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1Joke Book

1Joke Book

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Published by: ru69rager on Oct 25, 2011
Direitos Autorais:Attribution Non-commercial


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I dedicate this book to my wife Gerri, my dad Stan, my mother Debbie, my children Jake, Robbie, Heather, and Robin, my extended family the Goetz family, and my faithful dog Smokey. All these people and others have helped me through life s toughest times with the help of humor. The following jokes and pieces of wit were gathered from e-mails and links sent to me from family and friends when I needed a lift and a reminder not to take life to seriously. I wish I could acknowledge each and every person responsible for the humor but the authors were not made available to me. I take no credit at all for the originality of any of these pieces of humor.


Table of Contents
Politics Explained ..................................................................................................................................... 3 What Starts With an F and ends with a K ........................................................................................... 4 How to write a paper in college/university:.............................................................................................. 6 Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes ...................................................................................................................... 8 Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant ............................................................................................. 9 Before and After Marriage ..................................................................................................................... 10 Stella Awards ......................................................................................................................................... 11 Fruit can be Dangerous .......................................................................................................................... 13 Facts of life ............................................................................................................................................ 14 Abstain from Sex ................................................................................................................................... 14 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn .............................................................................................. 15 More One-Liners... ................................................................................................................................. 16 Toilet Wisdom ....................................................................................................................................... 17 Great quotes by comedians ................................................................................................................... 18 Funniest Joke in the World .................................................................................................................... 20 Air Traffic Controller Talk ....................................................................................................................... 21 Cute Jokes ............................................................................................................................................. 23 A few More ......................................................................................................................................... 37 What to do With Baby ........................................................................................................................... 38 More of the Same .................................................................................................................................. 53 Hollywood Squares Questions and answers from the classic game show............................................... 54 Drunk? You know you're a heavy drinker... ........................................................................................... 56 True Baseball Injuries These are true injuries suffered by baseball players. ........................................... 57 Daffynitions If you've got another, send it to me! ................................................................................. 60 Pickup Lines Some of the best pickup lines around! .............................................................................. 65 Amazing Useless Facts (and the actual facts) ...................................................................................... 69 Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend......................................................................................................... 74 Allright America ..................................................................................................................................... 78 Whats not to like ................................................................................................................................... 79 Smarter than You? ................................................................................................................................. 80 Accident Reports ................................................................................................................................... 81 2

Blonde Jokes.......................................................................................................................................... 82 More simple jokes ................................................................................................................................. 83 And then the fight started ................................................................................................................... 84 The Real Meaning of Words (from my daughter) ........................................................................... 86 Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel ............................................................................ 100 20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity ................................................................................. 101 19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn ....................................................................................... 103 Official Apology Notice ........................................................................................................................ 104 TECHNICAL SUPPORT ........................................................................................................................... 105 Just a few more Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom .......................................................................... 106 Dating in the 60s.................................................................................................................................. 110 More Signs .......................................................................................................................................... 111 Patient Charts ...................................................................................................................................... 117 Comments On Patient Charts: .............................................................................................................. 118 Murphy s Laws .................................................................................................................................... 118 Love Laws ............................................................................................................................................ 120 Little Old Lady ...................................................................................................................................... 122 When you R in deep shi* ..................................................................................................................... 122 ONE LINERS THAT YOU DON T WANT 2 FORGET .................................................................................. 122

Politics Explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

What Starts With an F and ends with a K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" 4

Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands. The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.


How to write a paper in college/university:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer. 2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email. 3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate. 5. Check your email. 6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work. 7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place. 8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 9. Check your email. 10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa. 13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?! 14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans). 15. Check your email. 16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more. 17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the course, the college, the world at large. 18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out. 19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.


20. Check your email. 21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. 22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!). 23. Check out bored.com. 24. Wash your hands. 25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either. 26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet. 29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z. 30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule. 31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it. 32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 33. Lie face down on the floor and moan. 34. Punch the wall and break something. 35. Check your email. 36. Mumble obscenities. 37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished. 38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.


Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes


Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."


Before and After Marriage


Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember..... she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that - right? That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year: 7TH PLACE : Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. 6TH PLACE : Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher. 5TH PLACE : Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more... 4TH PLACE : Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE : Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113, 500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go... 2ND PLACE : Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. 1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please?) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.


Fruit can be Dangerous


Facts of life
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know"! the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me"! Confused, the father asks what's wrong. "Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Abstain from Sex
A young couple wanted to join the synagogue, the Rabbi told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month". The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the synagogue. When the Rabbi ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem"?, the Rabbi inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month". the young man replied sadly. The Rabbi asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat", admitted the man, shamefacedly. The Rabbi lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our synagogue". "We know", said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either".


Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings . 3. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can t dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you anyway.


More One-Liners...
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


Wear short sleeves - Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Toilet Wisdom
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. --Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" - Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. -Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! -Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas No wonder you always go home alone. -Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -The Irish Times, Washington, DC It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, New York, New York Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. -Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL


Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. -The Janitor What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. -Men's restroom

Great quotes by comedians
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a --Steven Wright second."

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." --Winston Spear


"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman "Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is far away." --Billiam Coronell "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum "I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" --Garry Shandling "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez still


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

Funniest Joke in the World
Funniest Joke in the World: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?" Runner Up: PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that." Another Runner Up: A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life." Still Another Runner Up: A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." One More Runner Up: TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?" And Still Another Runner Up: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." Amazing - Another Runner Up:


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil. Last Runner Up: A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

One More Runner Up: TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?" And Still Another Runner Up: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." Amazing - Another Runner Up: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil. Last Runner Up: A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Air Traffic Controller Talk These conversations are said to be real.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!" Tower: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight." A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following -Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quickwitted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land." Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and


keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Cute Jokes A plethora of cute, short jokes for you.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door. (thanks to Gregory Seel) Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. (thanks to Eric Snyder) People from New York are called New Yorkers. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? (thanks to Larry the K) Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done. (thanks to Tim Moore) When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport. (thanks to Larry the K) A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood - so substituted borscht. Now his heart never skips a beet. (thanks to Larry the K) What did Ernie say when his best friend asked him if he wanted some ice cream? "Sure, Bert!" (thanks to Vin Thomas) I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down! (thanks to Darby) A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word." "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him!" There are only two things that are certain in this life - Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy - then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. (thanks to Omz) There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her "Lincoln" because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony. Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards? A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I'll sew them back on!" The man said, "I couldn't pick them up!" I'm a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst - that way things can only get better. (thanks to Rickster) I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? (thanks to Chris) Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (thanks to Chris) Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. (thanks to Donna Reade) I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls. (thanks to Bennett)


How do you write zero in Roman numerals? (thanks to Evets) If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? (thanks to Evets) Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (thanks to Evets) I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X". (thanks to Kyle) How many weeks are there in a light year? (thanks to Evets) A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "You should really ask a psychic!" (thanks to Nguyen Matos) Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (thanks to Evets) How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's Pizza sign off the top. (thanks to Jen'fer) Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (thanks to Evets) The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! (thanks to Evets) Can bald people get a hairline fracture? (thanks to Charley) Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born! (thanks to Levi) If you get mono twice, isn't that stereo? (thanks to Charley) "Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?" My frosted flakes melted in the summer. (thanks to Nguyen Matos) I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire. (thanks to Charley) A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (thanks to Gary) I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I'm psyhic. (thanks to Hop) If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll really be in a jam. (thanks to Hop) Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!" (thanks to Sarah) If you're on a cruise, you're with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads! (thanks to Jaime) How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you. (thanks to Shane) Patient: "Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I think I'm Donald Duck" Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?" I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing. (thanks to Kyle)


Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? (thanks to PapaDog65) Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? (thanks to Evets) Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o. (thanks to Charlie Mickle) If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair? (thanks to Evets) I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. (thanks to Victor) My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. (thanks to Charley) Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" (thanks to George C) Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. (thanks to Jim Johnson) It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. (thanks to Evets) How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven. (thanks to Shane) "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor says, "Take these pills, if they don't work, give me a ring." Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?" (thanks to Gary) My car's brakes aren't working, so I bought an anchor. (thanks to Kyle) A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living. (thanks to Evets) I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, "How does he know which stop is his?" (thanks to Charley) I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese. The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. (thanks to Patrick) A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...." (thanks to Ben) I may look stupid, but it's hereditary. (thanks to Gregory Sawler) My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free. (thanks to Charley) "Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No, she was impaired!" (thanks to Kevin Beaudoin) Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny. (thanks to Charley)


I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better! Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them? (thanks to Shane) Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. (thanks to LarryNewParts) How do they get the "Keep off the grass" sign on the grass? (thanks to Victor) Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. (thanks to Travis) When French people swear, do they say "Pardon my English"? (thanks to Shane) "Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later." I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, "OK Lady, here's your purse back." (thanks to Charley) A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, "Make me one with everything!" (thanks to Steve) Overweight is something that just snacks up on you. (thanks to Cid) Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!" When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even! (thanks to Charley) I went to a ballet once. I couldn't even tell who won. (thanks to LarryNewParts) There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn't be, duct tape it. If it isn't moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn't move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape. Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!" I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out. (thanks to Schmidty) A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet." (thanks to Scott Rogers) Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings. (thanks to Schmidty) I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I told him, "Aren't you supposed to know that?" (thanks to Kyle) How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks. (thanks to Victor) Life begins when you're born, and ends with an E. (thanks to Kyle) I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. (thanks to Kyle) I have a Master's Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return in in two days. (thanks to Kyle)


Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again". (thanks to Jessica) Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, "That's where I was brought up!" (thanks to Piemann) How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph. (thanks to Ward) How do you find an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. (thanks to James) A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, "Should I call the police or an ambulance?" (thanks to James) Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone! What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch. (thanks to Madge) Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. (thanks to Gary) A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, "I wish you had seen me sooner!" Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It's okay as long as they don't get in the habit. (thanks to Shar) What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! (thanks to Jake M.) What's big, gray and can't climb trees? A parking lot. (thanks to Mike O'Rourke) Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now. I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!" (thanks to Gregory Sawler) My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord. To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte? (thanks to Charley) Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!" I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us. Never moon a werewolf. (thanks to LarryNewParts) You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes! Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little horse. (thanks to Joey) What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (thanks to Trent) A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore." (thanks to Gerry)


Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? (thanks to Sullikr) What goes around a button? A billy goat. (thanks to Dermy) Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? (thanks to Jesterr) I've told you a million times not to exaggerate! (thanks to Sam Hight) One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out. Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! (thanks to Brett Jones) How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. (thanks to Jake M.) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I love kids! Let's exchange recipes. (thanks to Brandi) In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club. A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Are board games supposed to make you bored? (thanks to Matt) If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. (thanks to Evets) Why shouldn't you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah. (thanks to Gary) I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? Duct tape is like "the force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (thanks to Travis) I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.


I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. To err is human, to moo bovine. (thanks to Evets) You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!" (thanks to Evets) Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken. I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table. Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong. (thanks to Evets) I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat. A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are. If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures? Don't look at me with that tone of voice. It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. I am having an out of money experience. Smoking is a dying art. You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late. Death is hereditary. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you? Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!" I don¶t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!


Can you play sole music with a shoe horn? (thanks to Charley) Jesus saves. Moses invests. Can a match box? No, but a tin can. (thanks to Jordan) Customer: Waiter! There is a fly in my soup. Waiter: That could very well be, sir, the cook used to be a tailor. (thanks to Larry the K) Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people. I wasn't the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist. I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket. Money flies when you're having fun. (thanks to Victor) Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm). If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? (thanks to Shane) My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared! (thanks to Charley) Men are like roses - watch out for the pricks! I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be. (thanks to Jake) Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store? (thanks to Charley) I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It¶s one of those self-help books. It¶s called "How To Get Along With Everybody." I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk. I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven. The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself. (thanks to Shane) It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. That guy is so vain - he won¶t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield. Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?" In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane) You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security. A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.


If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children." God created man. Then God said, "I can do better". Then he created woman. (thanks to Amanda) The constipated composer couldn't finish his last movement. (thanks to Shane) I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably the mittens. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. (thanks to Shane) What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. (thanks to Atom) Obey gravity! It's the law. Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? (thanks to Shane) I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg. (thanks to Hop) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane) If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? (thanks to Shane) An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home - you could still go wherever you wanted. (thanks to Shane) They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual." Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That's a good thing, because he's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag! There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,"You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, "You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days."


This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it. For God's sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? (thanks to Dick) I met a woman named "Viamonte". I said, "You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." (thanks to Charley) A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat. It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke." Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom! How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers. What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame. What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates. (thanks to Tom) Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants. Do midgets get paid under the table? (thanks to Charley) I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing. Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen? (thanks to Charley) The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it. (thanks to Matt) A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!" I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met. I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door. (thanks to Charley) If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at. God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day." She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.


One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law." Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? (thanks to Charley) The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods. There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It's the Picabo ICU. If you wear a "Guess" shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt? (thanks to Charley) A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!" My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don¶t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter. Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, "This is the longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says, "Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back." I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet. A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!" He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell. There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned! All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on. What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm. What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?" Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?" There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling. Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. One says to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "What do I care, I'm a helicopter!" I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I¶m thinking, okay, here¶s a gal who¶s capable of making a decision she¶ll regret in the future. If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong? I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It's a good thing I didn't catch more, I couldn't afford them.


A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like." A nun says to Mother Superior, "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!" Mother Superior says, "That's great, I was getting tired of the Chablis." I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!" A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes." There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off. What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!" A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I swallowed a pool ball!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to get back to the end of the queue." (thanks to Erica) Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots. (thanks to Evets) There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?" A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?" Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink. There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They're all Targets. A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this." The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere. If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."


90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. One says to the other, "What did he have?" The other salesman says "California, Oregon and Washington". A will is a dead giveaway. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner." Vet: "That's OK, he's a boxer." I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Woman: "I'll miss you." One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I¶d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry. At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs." Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. "Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!" Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted. If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.


What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Does fuzzy logic tickle? 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? All computers wait at the same speed. How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny. Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it. It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply. Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car. Jesus saves. He uses double coupons. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones. A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?" (thanks to Patrick) A drummer walks into a music store and says, "I'll buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "You must be a drummer. That's the radiator." (thanks to Atom) The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. What's brown and sticky? A stick. Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!


A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?" Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them. A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions." "What is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered, "Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said, "When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!"

A few More
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver¶s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. µWhat does it look like?¶ she finally asked.

1. On a Continental Flight with a very ³senior´ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ³Ladies and gentlemen, we¶ve reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.´ 2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. ³Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light µem, you can smoke µem.´

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ³in the mood´, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals¶ cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. ³First,´ he said, ³I don¶t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about

this.´ The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. ³Well,´ said Ed, ³You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.´

What to do With Baby



Click on Full Story for more hilariousness!














A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt." The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt." The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

More of the Same
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?" Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left." Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think." Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"


Teacher: "Sure." Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" Teacher: "The one sucking the cone." Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think." Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

Hollywood Squares
Questions and answers from the classic game show
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False - a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.


Drunk? You know you're a heavy drinker...

He's got a lot of willpower. He's finally given up trying to stop drinking. (thanks to Shane) She hates the sight of liquor. That's why she drinks it so fast. He's on the drinking man's diet. Now he's a skinny drunk. She's getting so high she's soon going to need a net under her. He deducts his booze costs because he drinks to others' health so often. Occasionally, she is held up going home. That's the only way she gets there. He believes in a balanced diet; a drink in each hand. She never plays "Spin the Bottle". She won't let go of it! His nickname is "Truck" because he always has a load on. It only takes one drink to make her drunk. She's not sure if it's the eighth or ninth drink, however. He only drinks on days ending in "Y". She only drinks when she has company or is alone. He is a public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public. She knows that alcohol is a slow poison. She doesn't mind, she's not in a hurry. When he's working overtime, he gets time and a fifth. When there is a nip in the air, she tries to drink it. If it wasn't for pretzels, he'd be on a liquid diet. In bars across the nation, she's one of the unsteadiest customers. He's the nicest guy on two feet. If he could stay there. When she catches a cold, she buys a bottle of whisky. In no time, it's gone. The whisky, not the cold. He's not one to do things halfway. He does them in fifths. When she comes back from lunch, she's so loaded she has to take the freight elevator.


True Baseball Injuries
These are true injuries suffered by baseball players.

Infielder Chris Brown missed a game because he "slept on his eye funny". Pitcher Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach as he was using a knife to open a DVD wrapper. Sammy Sosa was disabled after a violent sneeze. Pitcher Jeff Juden missed a start because a tattoo he got prior to the season opener got infected. Reliever Randy Flores was put on the disabled list - while removing his socks after a game, a large patch of skin also came off. DH Mickey Tettleton went on the disabled list with athlete's foot. The story is that he tied his shoes too tight. Utility infielder Bret Barberie missed a game because he mistakenly rubbed chili juice in his eyes. Pitcher Ricky Bones injured his lower back getting out of a chair while watching television in the clubhouse. Outfielder Dustan Mohr strained his groin while trying to get out of the dugout for a celebration for another player's home run. Reliever Larry Anderson strained a rib muscle jumping from the bench to join a brawl. Shortstop Rey Quinones wasn't available as a pinch hitter as he was in the clubhouse playing Nintendo. (OK, it's not an injury, but it's pretty funny!) Pitcher Mark Smith was injured when he stuck his hand into an air conditioner to see why it wasn't working. Reliever Joey Eischen broke his arm jumping into the air to field a ground ball. Shortstop Clint Barmes fell down some stairs and broke his collarbone. He was unable to break his fall because he was cradling a package of venison given to him from teammate Todd Helton. Pitcher Greg Harris suffered a strained elbow flipping sunflower seeds while sitting in the bullpen. Pitcher Randy Veres injured his hand pounding on the hotel room wall, trying to get the people in the next room to be quiet. Third baseman Randy Johnson strained his back putting on his socks. Pitcher Byron McLaughlin cut his right hand when he was practicing his windup in his hotel room. He was apparently too close to the mirror. Catcher Brent Mayne missed an entire month in the 2002 season because he turned his head to check traffic as he was crossing the street - and wrenched his back. Pitcher Steve Foster injured his shoulder at a taping of a segment for "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno".


Speedster Rickey Henderson allegedly missed several games in August due to frostbite. Outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. missed a game after his cup slipped and pinched a testicle. Pitcher Oliver Perez went on the 15 day disabled list after breaking his toe while kicking a laundry cart in the visitor's clubhouse. Outfielder Marty Cordova missed a game after he burned his face, spending too much time under a tanning lamp. Jose Cardenal missed a game because he was kept awake all night by crickets chirping in his hotel room. Pitcher Kenny Rogers dislocated his pinky finger (on his non-pitching hand) after punching out a water cooler. Outfielder Glenallen Hill received cuts over much of his body after he fell out of bed onto a glass table. He was having a nightmare about being covered in spiders. Pitcher Rich Harden strained his shoulder turning off his alarm clock. Second baseman Jeff Kent claimed he hurt his wrist while washing his truck. Speculation is that he was injured in a motorcycle accident while doing tricks. Infielder Paul Molitor dislocated a knuckle when it got stuck in another player's glove. Pitcher Terry Mulholland scratched his eye on a feather that was sticking out of a pillow. Hall of Fame pitcher Phil Niekro was injured while shaking hands. Pitcher Doc Gooden missed a start when a teammate accidentally hit him with a golf club in the locker room. Shortstop Jason Bartlett tore the nail off his left pinky while sliding his hand under the television in his room at the Ritz Carlton hotel in Detroit. Shortstop Juan Castro hurt his neck on the pillow at the same Ritz Carlton hotel in Detroit. Infielder Kent Hrbek sprained an ankle wrestling with a clubhouse attendant, forcing him to miss the final ten days of the season. Famed outfielder Kevin Mitchell strained a muscle while vomiting. Kevin Mitchell also was hurt by a microwaved donut. Supposedly eating this led to his needing a root canal. Pitcher Pascual Perez missed a game in Atlanta because he couldn't find the correct exit ramp on the freeway. OK, it's not an injury, but it's pretty funny! Wade Boggs hurt his back putting on his cowboy boots. Pitcher Mike Remlinger missed 15 days because he broke his left pinky in a clubhouse recliner. Reliever Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder while trying to tear a phone book in half. Pitcher Carlos Perez broke his nose in a car accident - he was trying to pass the team bus at the time.


John Smoltz burned his chest while ironing the shirt he was wearing. Outfielder Oddibe McDowell sliced his hand while buttering a roll at the annual "Welcome Luncheon" held by the Texas Rangers. Pitcher Charlie Hough broke his finger shaking hands. Nolan Ryan missed a start after being bitten by a coyote. Shortstop Bobby Crosby cracked two ribs while swinging the bat during opening day practice. Outfielder Terry Harper separated a shoulder after high-fiving a teammate. Outfielder Vince Coleman missed the entire 1985 World Series after being rolled up in the tarp machine at Busch Stadium. Pitcher David Cone missed a start because his mother-in-law's Jack Russell Terrier bit him. Hall of Famer George Brett broke a toe on a chair when he was running from the kitchen to the living room to see baseball on TV. Future Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn missed several games because he smashed his finger in the door of his luxury car, on the way to the bank. Pitcher Carlos Zambrano was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome after spending as many as five hours daily on the Internet. Red Sox rookie Clarence Blethen thought he looked older and meaner if he took his false teeth out when he pitched. He forgot to put them back in his mouth when he was batting. While sliding into second base to break up a double play, his own teeth bit himself in the butt.


If you've got another, send it to me!

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. (thanks to Ray Collins) Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. (thanks to Victor) Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Aromatic: An automatic crossbow. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut. (thanks to Daniel C) Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Boycott: Somewhere to keep male babies. Bouyant: A male insect. (thanks to Daniel C) Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Bungee Jumping: Suicide, with strings attached. (thanks to Mike McGuire) Burglarize: What a crook sees with.


Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people. Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times, bending over, picking it up, examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance. (thanks to Victor) Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way. (thanks to Bob Z) Divorce: The future tense of the word "marriage". Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theatre. (thanks to Victor) Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Fine: A tax for doing wrong. Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Glibido: All talk and no action. Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. Handkerchief: Cold Storage. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. (thanks to Zachary Robinson) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole. Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. (thanks to PTA) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Lasterday: Any day before today. Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Matricide: Killing yourself on a bed. Mistress: Somewhere between a mister and a mattress. (thanks to SuperSamuell) Monogamy: A bored game for adults. (thanks to Geoff Holmes) Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better. Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Myth: A female moth. (thanks to Daniel C)


Naggravator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the map. Also, anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel. (thanks to Michele T) Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you. (thanks to Adam) Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo. Paradox: Two physicians. Parachute: A double barreled shotgun. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again. Perfect Pitch: What it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides. Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother. (thanks to King Bewildered) Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm. Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller. Polarize: What penguins see with. Porcupine: A craving for bacon. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Raisin: Grape with a sunburn. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Relief: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stalemate: An old spouse. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney. Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official. Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican. (thanks to Jeff Dudley) Syntax: Money in the collection plate. Tax: A fine for doing right. Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction. Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words. Will: A dead giveaway. (thanks to Daniel C) Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.


Pickup Lines
Some of the best pickup lines around!

Did we go to different schools together? (thanks to Arthur) Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize? What pickup line actually works on you? Do you have any raisins? Well, then how about a date? I'm glad I'm not blind! Can you please scratch my back? My arms are far too muscular for me to reach. If I got a nickel for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents. You stole my heart. That's OK, though - I have another one at home in the fridge. I lost my teddy bear! Will you sleep with me tonight? (thanks to Jim Orem) Is there a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see myself in your pants. (thanks to Amanda) Why don't you come sit in my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up. (thanks to Kyle) Mind if I talk to you until it's safe down there where I farted?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world? (thanks to Amanda) You're so sweet, you're going to put Hershey's out of business! Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa? When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you. Don't you know me from somewhere? Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT! I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?


Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see around here. Can I even get a fake number? You sure have a great looking tooth. Are you religious? You're the answer to my prayers. Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I'm asking for only one. My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans. Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump! You don't need car keys to drive me crazy. Falling for you would be a very short trip. Don't stop! I don't usually get to see beauty in motion. Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes. You're so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job. Remember me? Oh, that's right, I've met you only in my dreams. Those must be space pants, 'cause your butt is out of this world! I think I've just found the angel I'd like to be touched by. Can I lick that film off your teeth? Don't be so picky....I wasn't! Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder. You look a lot like my future wife. I'd better get a library card, because I'm checking you out. Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you're hot! Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?


If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo. What do you like for breakfast? Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. I want to call your mother and thank her. Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes. That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? My name is [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. (Look at his / her shirt label) When they say, "What are you doing?", you say, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven." There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you. All those curves, and me with no brakes. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Is it hot in here or is it just you? Do you know how to use a whip? Can you give me directions...to your heart?


If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away. You look just like Joan Rivers. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll still make your bed rock.


Amazing Useless Facts (and the actual facts)
I¶m getting sick of these lists of ³amazing facts´ that are complete baloney. In the interest of keeping my readers from being uneducated and gullible, I decided to whip up this list references are linked to. This is the latest list I received, verbatim, followed by the facts that contradict the ³facts´ (or at least show you why the fact isn¶t really all that amazing):

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

³Go,´ used in the imperative mode is the shortest sentence in the English language (especially because you can use body language as a compliment referring to ³there´ or ³away´). ³I am,´ is not a complete sentence. ³Am,´ would need a compliment to turn it into a predicate (i.e. ³I am stupid´) - you can¶t use body language like you can with ³Go´. If you don¶t like using modes, try ³I go.´ (Edit: Okay, whiz kids who think I¶m wrong, a sentence needs a subject and a complete predicate - which can be implied. ³I am´ is a sentence just like ³Q´ is a sentence when used as a response - like, ³What letter comes after the letter P?´. If you say it to some random stranger on the street and they think you make sense, then it is probably a sentence. Imagine going up to somebody and telling them ³Go!´ They would understand that you want them to leave. If you walked up to someone on the street and said, ³I am!´ they would likely wonder what you were responding to, because it is not a complete sentence. I¶m not going to keep repeating myself for the stupid people, so I found some references for them to go look at. Reference 1. Reference 2. Reference 3) If you want to argue it, I will probably make fun of you. I am not the nicest blogger in the world.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

There are more donkey related injuries than airplane deaths per year, but there are no statistics, nor has there ever been, to back up more donkey related deaths. There are roughly 1,200 airplane deaths per year.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

³South America´ and ³North America.´ Does that need a complete sentence or is it obvious enough?

The word lethologica describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

³Aphasia´ could just as easily be used here, given the generalized definition provided.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

What about pepperroot, pepperwort, perpetuity, pirouetter, prerequire, pretorture, proprietor, repertoire, repetitory? I¶m sure we can think of even more words, and I¶m only using the top row of keys on a QWERTY keyboard for those ones.



A snail can sleep for 3 years.

Snails don¶t ³sleep´ - they enter a state of torpor - no brain function and the appearance of being dead. Believe it or not, I actually raised snails for a season - even got 3rd place at the Great Folsom Snail Race.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

The word referred to is LATIN and GREEK, not English. It is only used by a very small group of scientists, too, and would not appear in any English dictionary. But maybe they are actually trying to say it is the longest word in the world, regardless of language« a distinction that, with four more letters, already belongs to: Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosy lglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutaminy lleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycyla lanylphenylalanylvalylprolyphenylalanYlvalythre onylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylg lutamylglutaminylsErylleucyllysylisoleucy laspartylthreonylleucylIsoleucylglutamy lalanylglycylalanylasparthlalanylleucylg lutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylse Rylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylp RolylthreOnylisoleucylglutaminylasPfraginylal anylthreonylleucylarfinylalanylphenylalanylalany lalanylglycylvalythreonylprolylalanylglutaminy lcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucy lalanylleuOylisoleucylarginylglutaminy llysyhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylproly lisoleucylglycylleucylmethionyltyrosylalany lasparaginylleucylvalylphenylalanylasparaginy llysyglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalany lthrosylalanylglutaminylcsteinylglutamyllysylva lylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalny laspartylvalylprolylvalylglUtaminylglutamylsery lalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalany lalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginyvalylalany lprolylisoleucylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucy lphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalany laspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginy lglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycy larginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrOsylleucyl leucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreony lglycylalanylglutamYlasparainylarginylalany lalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginylhistidy 70

lleucylValylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamy ltyrosylasparaginylalanylalanylprolylpro lylleucylglutaminylglgycylphenylalanylglycy lisoleucylserylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminy lvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalany lglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylsery lglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoIeucy lisoleucylglutamylglutaminylHistidylasparaginy liSoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethionyl leucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanyl calylglutaminylprolylmethionlysylalanylalanylt hreonylarginylserine.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Blatantly false. Somebody must have spent too much time hanging out with a very quiet dog. Try going on YouTube and looking up ³talking dog.´ A dog can make fewer vocal sounds than a cat, but far more than ten.

Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

February 1865 did in fact have a full moon, though there was no full moon in the Februaries of 1866, 1885, 1915, 1934, 1961, and 1999. Go figure.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Almost any spice, when injected in the body, is extremely poisonous. Try shooting up some cardamom. I wonder if this was intended to imply how poisonous nutmeg is when taken in large quantities, orally? It has been shown to cause extremely intense hallucinations.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

I don¶t know where people came up with this one. It has no basis in fact. Despite the fact that the tongue is made up of 16 seperate muscles, each fiber of a muscle, no matter where, exerts about 0.3 micronewtons of force. Gram per gram (compressed muscle), the myometrial layer in a woman¶s uterus (yes, it is a muscle) is the strongest muscle a human has.

It¶s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

I have sneezed with my eyes open. It is not natural, but it is easily done. And no, your eyeballs won¶t pop out. They even did a debunking of it on Mythbusters.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Most polar bears are right handed. The best explanation for the confusion I could find was that they use their dominant paw to cover their nose (not a likely explanation at all, however - see

comments from Des and Gryndyl), to blend in while waiting beside their prey. They catch their prey (primarily seals) by either biting their heads or swatting at them (with their left paw) to knock them onto the ice when they surface. Some of the studies on the subject can be very misleading because it appears that polar bears always attack with their left paw, but during casual interactions they revert to their right. I suspect the true reason is something along the lines of them requiring stability when attacking and thus, keeping their footing with the right paw is more effective.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

Catfish do have a lot of taste buds, but most of them do not transmit anything. They are completely non-functional. It is like bragging about having the most cars of anybody in Texas« but it is only because you own the garbage dump where they drop off wrecked cars.

Elephants are the only animals that can t jump.

First, I¶m going to assume that there was a typo here and they meant to say mammals, since fish, snakes, eels, brine shrimp, etc., can¶t jump. But even among mammals, I¶ve never heard of a hippo being able to jump. How about a guinea pig? They can barely hop with the limited joints in their back legs. Sloths? (Edit: according to some comments I¶ve received, I¶m wrong because jumping can just mean ³to be full of activity or bustling´ - just to clarify, even an elephant could have this attributed to them, despite their inability to rapidly extend their extremities in order to gain enough vertical velocity to significantly propel them from the ground. The ³fact´ I criticize here is wrong, regardless of any of these arguments.)

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

This is as true as saying gasoline is made with Stegosauruses¶ remains. Extracted peanut oil could be used to make glycerin that could be further processed to make nitroglycerin, and nitroglycerin is one of the ingredients commonly used for making dynamite, but peanuts are hardly a required ingredient.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Pufferfish can blink. Last I checked, that was a fish - I mean, it is part of their name. Most sharks actually roll their eyes back in their head, rather than blinking, too.

Two-thirds of the world s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

New Jersey produces about 0.1% of the world¶s eggplant, by the numbers. They produce roughly half the amount that comes out of California, alone.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.


Scrootched is a word. Look it up (it is under the word ³scrootch,´ a variant of ³scrooch´). It is longer than screeched, but still one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

Hunth, a word meaning a hundred thousand. Sporange as a variant of sporangium per Webster¶s Third Unabridged and the Oxford English Dictionary. Chilver as an ewe lamb per the Oxford English Dictionary. Hirple, meaning to limp. Look them up. They are, in fact, words (though hirple is a Scottish English word, so it might not be in everybody¶s dictionary).

There are only four words in the English language which end in - dous : tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

How about amadous, apodous, decapodous, iodous, nodous, nonhazardous, palladous, ultrahazardous, and vanadous? Yep, they are all words.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A cat has 0 muscles in each ear. They do have about 30 muscles at the base of their ears. Am I being petty?

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A dragonfly¶s lifespan is up to 6 months.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A goldfish can remember an event for about 3 months. See multiple studies on this for more info. It is pretty interesting.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The correct term is Speaker of the House of Commons, and they are allowed to speak, but are required to take an impartial position and can¶t argue one side over another. Their position is a little bit similar to a judge¶s at a trial.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Regulation size golf balls can have anywhere from 300-500 dimples.

You can t lick your own elbow.

If you are flexible or have a long tongue, yes you can. I happen to have a very long tongue, and can almost reach it. There are groups of people on YouTube that post videos of themselves doing this very thing.


Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend
Why don't I have a girlfriend?

This is a question that practically every male has asked himself at one point or another in his life. Unfortunately, there is rarely a hard and fast answer to the query. Many men try to reason their way through the dilemma nonetheless, often reaching a series of ridiculous explanations, each more self-deprecating than the last: "Is it because I'm too shy, and not aggressive enough? Is it my opening lines? Am I a boring person? Am I too fat or too thin? Or am I simply ugly and completely unattractive to women?" When all other plausible explanations have been discounted, most fall back on the time-honoured conclusion that "there must be Something WrongŒ with me" before resigning themselves to lives of perpetual chastity.[2] Not the author, though. I, for one, refuse to spend my life brooding over my lack of luck with women. While I'll be the first to admit that my chances of ever entering into a meaningful relationship with someone special are practically non-existent, I staunchly refuse to admit that it has anything to do with some inherent problem with me. Instead, I am convinced that the situation can be readily explained in purely scientific terms, using nothing more than demographics and some elementary statistical calculus. Lest anyone suspect that my standards for women are too high, let me allay those fears by enumerating in advance my three criteria for the match. First, the potential girlfriend must be approximately my age²let's say 21 plus or minus three or four years. Second, the girl must be beautiful (and I use that term all-encompassingly to refer to both inner and outer beauty). Third, she must also be reasonably intelligent²she doesn't have to be Mensa material, but the ability to carry on a witty, insightful argument would be nice. So there they are²three simple demands, which I'm sure everyone will agree are anything but unreasonable. That said, I now present my demonstration of why the probability of finding a suitable candidate fulfilling the three above-noted requirements is so small as to be practically impossible²in other words, why I will never have a girlfriend. I shall endeavour to make this proof as rigorous as the available data permits. And I should note, too, that there will be no statistical trickery involved here; I have cited all my sources and provided all relevant calculations[3] in case anyone wishes to conduct their own independent review. Let's now take a look at the figures.
Number of people on Earth (in 1998): 5 592 830 000[4]

We start with the largest demographic in which I am interested²namely, the population of this planet. That is not to say I'm against the idea of interstellar romance, of course; I just don't assess the prospect of finding myself a nice Altairian girl as statistically significant. Now anyway, the latest halfway-reliable figures we have for Earth's population come from the United States Census Bureau's 1999 World Population Profile (WP/98). Due presumably to the time involved

in compiling and processing census statistics, said report's data is valid only as of 1998, so later on we'll be making some impromptu adjustments to bring the numbers up to date.
who are female: 2 941 118 000[5]

I'd've thought that, given the title of this essay, this criterion goes without saying. In case anyone missed it, though, I am looking for exclusively female companionship. Accordingly, roughly half of the Earth's population must be discounted. Sorry, guys.
in "developed" countries: 605 601 000[5]

We now further restrict the geographical area of interest to so-called "first-world countries". My reasons for doing so are not motivated out of contempt for those who are economically disadvantaged, but rather by simple probability. My chances of meeting a babe from Bhutan or a goddess from Ghana, either in person or on the Internet, are understandably low. In fact, I will most likely spend nearly my entire life living and working in North America, Europe, and Australia, so it is to these types of regions that the numbers have been narrowed.
currently (in 2000) aged 18 to 25: 65 399 083[4][5]

Being neither a pedophile nor a geriatrophile, I would like to restrict my search for love to those whose age is approximately equal to my own. This is where things get a bit tricky, for two reasons: first, the census data is nearly two years old, and second, the "population by age" tables in WP/98 are not separated into individual ages but are instead quantized into "15±19" (of whom there are 39 560 000) and "20±44" (population 215 073 000). Women aged 15 to 19 in 1998 will be aged 17 to 21 in 2000; in this group, I'm interested in dating those 18 or older, so, assuming the "15±19" girls' ages are uniformly distributed, we have

Similarly, of 1998's "20±44" category, there are now

females within my chosen age limit. The sum, 66 059 680, represents the total number of females aged 18 to 25 in developed countries in 2000. Unfortunately, roughly 1% of these girls will have died since the census was taken;[6] thus, the true number of so-far eligible bachelorettes is 65 399 083.
who are beautiful: 1 487 838


Personal attraction, both physically and personality-wise, is an important instigator of any relationship. Of course, beauty is a purely subjective trait whose interpretation may vary from person to person. Luckily it is not necessary for me to define beauty in this essay except to state that for any given beholder, it will probably be normally distributed amongst the population.[7] Without going into the specifics of precisely which traits I admire, I will say that for a girl to be considered really beautiful to me, she should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm. From basic statistics theory, the area to the left of the normal curve at z = 2 is

and so it is this number with which we multiply our current population pool.
and intelligent: 236 053

Again, intelligence can mean different things to different people, yet I am once more relieved of making any explanation by noting that it, like most other characteristics, has a notionally normal distribution across the population. Let's assume that I will settle for someone a mere one standard deviation above the normal; in that case, a further

of the population must be discounted.
and not already committed: 118 027

I could find no hard statistics on the number of above-noted girls who are already married, engaged, or otherwise committed to a significant other, but informal observation and anecdotal evidence leads me to believe that the proportion is somewhere around 50%. (Fellow unattached males will no doubt have also noticed a preponderance of girls legitimately offering, "Sorry, I already have a boyfriend" as an excuse not to go on a date.) For reasons of morality (and perhaps too self-preservation), I'm not about to start hitting on girls who have husbands and boyfriends. Accordingly, that portion of the female population must also be considered off-limits.
and also might like me: 18 726

Naturally, finding a suitable girl who I really like is no guarantee that she'll like me back. Assuming, as previously mentioned, that personal attractiveness is normally distributed, there is a mere 50% chance that any given female will consider me even marginally attractive. In practice, however, people are unlikely to consider pursuing a relationship with someone whose looks and personality just barely suffice. Let's make the rather conservative assumption, then, that a girl would go out with someone if and only if they were at least one standard deviation above her idea of average. In that case, referring to our previous calculation, only 15.8655% of

females would consider someone with my physical characteristics and personality acceptable as a potential romantic partner.

It is here, at a pool of 18 726 acceptable females, that we end our statistical analysis. At first glance, a datable population of 18 726 may not seem like such a low number, but consider this: assuming I were to go on a blind date with a new girl about my age every week, I would have to date for 3493 weeks before I found one of the 18 726. That's very nearly 67 years. As a North American male born in the late 1970s, my life expectancy is probably little more than 70 years, so we can safely say that I will be quite dead before I find the proverbial girl of my dreams. Come to think of it, she'll probably be dead too.

So there you have it, my friends finally, a cogent, scientific, non-self-deprecating argument for why I will never have a girlfriend. That said, if you happen to be a girl deluded enough to think that you and I have a chance together, feel free to drop me a line, but I warn you, you face odds of 157 060 to 1. I wouldn't bother if I were you. Update (2000-04-01): My sarcastic pleas for some e-mail have finally been answered. Take a look at this letter from a hysterical female reader, which I think perfectly demonstrates the point of this entire essay. (I think the fact that she's a WebTV user explains a lot in fact, I was sure this e-mail was an April Fool's joke until I noticed the return address.)

Endnotes and references 1. 2. This paper was written when the author was at Griffith University, Australia. After a short period of brooding, of course, these males will eventually come to the realization that the real reason they were never able to get a girlfriend is that they were too discriminating with their attentions. They will consequently return to the dating scene, entering a sequence of blasé relationships with mediocre girls for whom they don't really care, until they finally marry one out of fear of spending the rest of their lives alone. I am convinced that this behaviour is the real reason for today's alarmingly high divorce rate. Due to rounding, figures cited may not add up exactly. 4.0 4.1 U.S. Bureau of the Census, Report WP/98, World Population Profile: 1998, Table A-3. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 1999. 5.0 5.1 5.2 U.S. Bureau of the Census, Report WP/98, World Population Profile: 1998, Table A-7. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 1999. WP/98 gives the annual death rate for developed countries as 10 per 1000, but does not list death rates per age group. Presumably, the death rate graphs as a bathtub curve, but in absence of any numbers supporting this hypothesis, and for the sake of simplicity, I will conservatively estimate the death rate among this age group to be 1% biennially. 77

3. 4. 5. 6.


Despite my efforts to research the matter, I could find no data on the distribution of beauty, either outer or inner, amongst the population. Perhaps attractiveness, being a largely subjective trait, does not lend itself to quantification. It is not unreasonable, however, to assume that like most other traits, it has a normal distribution. Indeed, this assumption seems to be backed up by informal observation and judgment in any reasonably large group of people, most of them will be average-looking, and a tiny minority either exceedingly beautiful or exceedingly ugly.

Allright America


Whats not to like


Smarter than You?


Accident Reports
Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.
Car Accidents:
y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way." "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it." "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert." "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him." "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car." "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash." "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before." "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal." "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision." "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull." "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back." "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian." "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle." "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." 81

y y y y y y

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident." "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end." "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face." "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Blonde Jokes
What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract men? Their ankles.

What did the father say to his blonde daughter? ''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.''

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet. The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second. An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.
Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make chocolate chip cookies? Because it took her 3 hours to peel all those M&M's.

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head. "What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend. "Shut up! You're next!"


More simple jokes
What does a lesbian need to become a lesbian? A licker license! Good Girl...Bad Girl What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home. Rubbing Riddle Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out? A: A toothbrush. Cook Q. What do call a good cook? A. A master baster. A Chewy Riddle Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy? A: Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself. Making Hormones Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Easy -- don't pay her. Confucius...Sausage Man who stuffs his own sausage, pounds his own meat. Viagra + Death = ? What happend to the man who died on an overdose of Viagra? They couldn't close the coffin. Confucius...Fisherman An expert fisherman is a ''master-baiter.'''


Goodyear Rubber Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year. Sin and Shame Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out. Speed Limit of Sex Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around. Air Like Sex Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Pickled Bread Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill dough. Ultimate Rejection Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

And then the fight started
My wife and I are watching ³Who Wants To Be A Millionaire´ while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, ³Do you want to have sex?´ ³No,´ she answered. I then said, ³Is that your final answer?´ She didn¶t even look at me this time, simply saying, ´Yes.´ So I said, ³Then I¶d like to phone a friend.´ And then the fight started«.


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife¶s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ³The weather out there is terrible.´My loving wife of 10 years replied, ³Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?´ And that¶s how the fight started«


The Real Meaning of Words (from my daughter)















Respect Compassion





Music Patience




Best friends



"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."


Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city


code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors" 7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't Use Any Punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Copy this and Send an E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.. It's Called Therapy...


19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings . 3. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can t dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you anyway.

Official Apology Notice


An actual conversation that occurred between a customer and a Word perfect support rep (who got fired for this btw) "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away" "Went away?" "They disappeared" "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing" "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" >"Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type" "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know?" "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so" "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes it is" "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No" "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is" "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer" "I can't reach it" "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No" "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark" "Dark?" "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window" "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."

"No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure" "A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes I keep them in the closet" "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer"

Just a few more Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle - they're on TV! Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win. Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems. What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Save me, Jeebus! Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car! Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain - remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'. I'm a 'Spalding Gray' in a 'Rick Dees' world. Donuts...is there anything they can't do? Trying is the first step toward failure.


Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything! That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car! Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation. When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay! It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man - which makes me the woman; and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which (as we discussed) is strictly a comfort thing. Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love... It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England! I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming. Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers? Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close! Beer - now THERE'S a temporary solution. How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's His Name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing - did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze. Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing! Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'


I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight! Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles. You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel. Those guys were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Extended warranty? How can I lose? Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese. Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here! When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy". I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around! Son, when you participate in sporting events - it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill. You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy. God bless those pagans. Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night! If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers! You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine. Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy. I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.


With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love! All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline! Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding a gun. You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button. I hope I didn't brain my damage! Nuts and gum, together at last! We'll die together, like a father and son should. Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk. We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays! First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind! Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden. Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup! I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun! I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman! Oh, they have Internet on computers now. Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.


Books are useless: I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" - and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip! I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

Dating in the 60s

It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue . Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue 's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue 's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue 's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue 's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?' 'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue 's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!' Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: 'It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist'!


More Signs







Patient Charts
You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem. The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.

Comments On Patient Charts:
y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year." "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely." "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993." "Discharge status: Alive but without permission." "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful." "The patient refused an autopsy." "The patient has no past history of suicides." "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital." "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days." "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night." "She is numb from her toes down." "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home." "The skin was moist and dry." "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches." "Patient was alert and unresponsive." "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce." "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy." "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead." "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities." "Skin: Somewhat pale but present." "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree." "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better." "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed." "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing." "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

Murphy s Laws

if it works in theory, it won't work in practice. if it works in practice it won't work in theory. Research Law: No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows




Somers' Law of Repair: No part ever fails where you can reach it, or where there is enough light to see how to replace it. Any tool dropped will fall where it can cause the most damage. Any wire cut to length will be too short. Equivalent replacement parts aren't. When you finally update to a new technology, is when everyone stop supporting it. Interchangeable parts aren't The proposed size of any project is inversely proportional to the size the project will eventually become. Corollary: Any project that can consume more resources before reaching it's final state will do so. This will happen faster than you think. Also, the investors will not be happy. The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded. A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn't. The more knowledge you gained, the less certain you are of it. If you think you understand science (or computers or women), you're clearly not an expert Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology All impossible failures, will happen at the test site. Corollary: All impossible failures will happen on the clients desktop The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be on-line. The more important your email is, the worse your email client will screw it up. The degree to which a device will function is directly proportional to the number of times it has been bashed and inversely to its cost. A device having an indestructible component or is user serviceable is deemed unsafe until it's replaced by an expensive, unobtainable, inefficient component which needs constant servicing. Assaf's Laws of Replacement Parts o A failed 25¢ part cannot be replaced by a new 25¢ part, but by a sub-assembly whose cost is equal to or greater than that of the device in need of the part o The cost and availability of a replacement part are in inverse proportion to the cost of the whole system: a $1500 device will fail because of the burnout of a 25¢ capacitor. But the 25¢ capacitor is either  no longer manufactured  manufactured only by a company in Outer Mongolia with an 18-month backlog  available only as part of a $1450 sub-assembly

y y y y y y

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All things mechanical/electrical will catastrophically fail after the guarantee has expired, unless an extended guarantee has been purchased. The Harvard Principle: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, humidity, pressure, etc., the organism will do as it damn well pleases. First Law of Linear Equations: Given any system n linear equations, there will be n+1 unknowns The disappearance of a nagging error in a system is explicable only in terms of insignificant contribution of the source to that system The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before Law of Repairmen: The repairman fixes your machine to break down the next day and charges for a new machine. While technology progresses at the speed of light it's implementation is filtered through the speed of bureaucracy In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is. Stationary engineering law never underestimate incompetency




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Love Laws
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A man in the house is worth two in the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Virginity can be cured. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. It is always the wrong time of month. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 120

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Love is a hole in the heart. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Do it only with the best. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. One good turn gets most of the blankets. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Anonymous comment: The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost! Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. Never say no. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. Love comes in spurts. The world does not revolve on an axis. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "This won't hurt, I promise." Nothing improves with age. An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part". When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen. When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears. It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one. Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single If you're heart is broken, sweep up the pieces. There will always be someone who will want to put it back together. Love and high-school must NEVER go together. If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong? Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex 121

Little Old Lady


A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

When you R in deep shi*

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


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