Keeping the Peace

Managing Students in Conflict Using the Social Problem-Solving Approach/Excerpt

Carmen Y. Reyes

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Copyright 2012 by Carmen Y. Reyes

Content What are Conflict Management Skills? Background Conflict Resolution 101: Some Basic Principles The Role of Assertiveness in Solving Social Problems Assertive Approaches Teaching Children How To Make an Assertive Request The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model What is Social Problem-Solving? Social Problem-Solving 101: Guiding Principles How To Teach Problem-Solving Social Problem-Solving Options The Mediation Frame The Social Problem-Solving Model Describing the Conflict Using the Steps to Problem Solve Teaching Children to Compromise The Five-Finger Formula for Young Children More Guidelines Staying Away from Power Struggles What To Do if the Problem is Not Solved References About the Author

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What are Conflict Management Skills? Most schoolchildren never learned how to handle disagreements and interpersonal problems in a constructive and positive way. As a result, most students way to deal with problematic situations is by resorting to aggressive behaviors, arguing, and/or fighting, making the original problem even worse. Students lacking proficiency in conflict resolution and in solving social problems show more behavior problems than their more proficient peers do. Just for this reason, one of the most important things teachers can do to decrease conflict in the classroom is to give students a tool for resolving their social problems. Just having students saying Im sorry to each other is not enough, and does not represent a learning experience for our students. The goal in building conflict resolution skills is to develop in children the ability to follow a systematic (step-by-step) procedure to find a solution acceptable to all parties involved in the conflict. Only when all parties involved in the problem feel treated fairly they can solve the conflict. Otherwise, what originally started as a minor problem or a minor disagreement can escalate into a much bigger behavior issue that interferes with both our students ability to focus in their learning as well as with our own ability to focus in our teaching. Conflict management skills give teachers the ability to prevent conflict from deteriorating into a much serious problem and in resolving the issue in a peaceful and acceptable way, no matter how serious has already become. With conflict management skills, teachers can help children bypass their personal differences to open up to new possibilities. For our students, better conflict resolution skills also bring: 1. Increased understanding and/or increased awareness of the problem. This also helps in giving children insight into how they can get what they want or what they need without undermining what other children want or need.

2. Increased group cohesion. When students resolve classroom conflicts in a peaceful and fair way, the group cohesion improves, and childrens beliefs in their ability to work cooperatively strengthen. 3. Increased self-knowledge. The social problem-solving procedure pushes children to analyze what they want (their goals) more closely, which helps in understanding those things that matters to children the most.

Background Generally speaking, a conflict is an expressed disagreement between two or more individuals. The Iceberg of Conflict is a popular model from the works of international speaker Charmaine Hammond. According to this model, we can analyze and manage conflict in three levels. At the top of the iceberg, we get the narrowest level, or the positions level. This is the level where conflict lives. A basic principle in conflict resolution is that, for every position there is always an opposition. In the middle of the iceberg, we find the assumptions level. Assumptions strengthen conflict; misreading the other persons intention, most specifically, finding fault and blaming the other person is a common source of conflict. Students with emotional and/or behavioral deficits in particular are particularly inclined to find fault in other peoples intentions. For these children, any mistake, error, or accident that another child makes turns into an intentional act that the other child did on purpose and with the sole intention of hurting the angerprone child. Once the anger-prone child reads and labels the second students act as both intentional and hurtful, the anger-prone child reacts to this negative perception rather than responding to the actual behavior or the real facts. Because assumptions feed perceptions and negative perceptions trigger conflict, effective conflict management requires from the mediator to be checking constantly:

1. What the students in conflict believe about the situation (beliefs) 2. How the students in conflict interpret the facts (perceptions) 3. How the students in conflict feel about what happened (feelings) Skilled conflict resolution managers know very well that they must avoid making assumptions in any of these three important domains (beliefs, perceptions, and feelings). Any information needed in any of these three areas, we can gather it more efficiently by asking questions and by paraphrasing what children say, never by assuming or jumping to conclusions. At the bottom of the iceberg, we find the aspirations level; this is not only the widest level but it is also the level where we can find common ground between the opposing views, create shared goals, and problem solve. Goal making is an important component in the process of solving social problems. This is so because, in the classroom, most conflicts originate because of students having conflicting goals or conflicting priorities. Simply put, children lack a shared goal, which makes the step of creating a goal agreed and shared by all a very-much needed sub-step in conflict management and resolution. Conflict Resolution 101: Some Basic Principles A skilled conflict resolution manager examines the issue from a compassionate perspective, shows understanding of both sides of the problem, opens doors to creative problem solving, builds a team attitude, and works on improving relationships. Some basic principles to understand and manage conflict in the classroom are: 1. A conflict is more than just having different opinions. In a conflict, one or both children perceive the situation as a threat. The threat can be real or just a perception; however, perception is reality, meaning that the threat is

always real for the child. Find threats (what each child fears the most), and you will identify needs (e.g., one child needs to feel respected; the other child needs to feel admired). Identify needs, and you can create goals. Create goals, and you start building solutions. 2. When we ignore it, the conflict strengthens. Because conflicts represent threats, they are going to stay with children until children face the conflict and resolve it. 3. The way children perceive the conflict and the way children respond to the conflict is the same thing. Simply put, children respond to the situation based on their perceptions of the situation, and these perceptions may be either factual or distorted from the real facts. This is why is so important to review the facts objectively with children. In addition, we need to be aware that childrens perceptions are influenced by their life experiences and beliefs. 4. Conflicts trigger strong emotions. To handle conflict effectively, teachers need to be able to manage their own emotions, and others, under stress. The golden rule for the teacher is to remain calm and in control of our emotions. A trick of the trade for achieving this is to stand or sit calmly, keeping the tone of our voice low. It also helps to regulate the rate of our breathing (deep and slow), our gestures (small hands and arms gestures), and the rate of our speech (slow). 5. Conflicts are an opportunity for students to grow and to develop social skills. When children work in cooperation and collaboration to resolve the conflict they learn to trust each other. With trust, positive and constructive interpersonal relationships strengthen.

The Role of Assertiveness in Solving Social Problems Personality conflicts are a second source of conflict in the classroom. Communication conflicts are next to them, and many times, they intertwine. Simply put, children have different personalities, different attitudes, and different communication styles, and sometimes, these different styles collide. In terms of childrens different personalities, my advice is, make an effort to understand childrens individual differences and embrace the fact that children are unique individuals. In terms of childrens communication styles, we can do many different things. To manage conflict effectively, we first need to understand the three most common communication styles or communication approaches in dealing with interpersonal differences or disagreements: 1. Aggressive 2. Passive 3. Assertive The first style, the aggressive approach, is the most common communication style in children lacking age-appropriate social skills and/or children with behavior deficits. Aggressiveness is a kind of verbal behavior that shows disregard to what other children want and/or need while attempting to get ones own wants or needs met. Louder and louder, the aggressive child continues stating what he/she wants in an attempt to get the other child to give up his/her wants. On the second communication style, the passive or submissive style, the student fast and easily sacrifices his/her own wants or needs while allowing the other child to get what he/she wants or needs. The third style, assertiveness, is by far the most effective way of resolving interpersonal differences and conflict in and out the classroom. An assertive child takes into consideration the wants or needs of the other child while attempting to get his/her own wants/needs met. Assertiveness promotes

positive interpersonal behavior by simultaneously trying to get the child what he/she wants while considering what other children want and do not want. Taking into account and respecting both, what I want and what others want provide the basis for effective conflict management and conflict resolution. It is important that we help aggressive students understand that although aggressiveness may get them what they want fast, because the root of the conflict (unmet goals) has not been addressed chances are that getting what they want will be short-lived. Aggressive verbal behavior frequently ends in negative consequences that are long-term. Passive verbal behavior, on the other hand, may help children stay away from conflict in the short-term, but the emotional cost in ignoring own needs to avoid the conflict is too high for any child. In addition, passive verbal behavior is highly ineffective in sustaining long-term relationships with age-peers that are healthy and satisfactory. Only the assertive communication style helps children in getting what they want in a way that is both satisfactory and long-term. For this reason, we can consider the skill of assertiveness a precursory step in solving the social problem. Aggressive students need to understand that they can change the way other people respond to them (e.g., from resistance to cooperation) by modifying the angry and hostile messages that they are constantly sending to others. It is imperative that aggressive students realize that how they say something (e.g., shouting and cursing) is as important as what they say. Aggressive messages, also known as you-messages, focus on the other child, attacking the other child verbally and/or physically. We can say with confidence that an aggressive message is nothing else than a judgment of the other childs personality, attacking the other childs character. For example: What is wrong with you?

 You never listen! You are a jerk! You make me angry. You are mean to me! An aggressive message regularly results in the second child counter reacting; that is, the recipient of the aggressive message gets angry too and may mirror the hostile behavior. It is important that children in conflict understand that when they use a you or an aggressive message there is a strong probability that they are not going to get what they want, simply put, aggressive messages do not help in solving the problem but they contribute in aggravating the problem. Students proficient in assertive communication can let other children know when they do not like what the other child said or did , but without hurting anyones feelings, without getting angry, and without provoking a fight. Developing skills in assertive communication enables aggressive children to communicate what they want in the most effective way, taking into consideration both own personal rights as well as the rights of the other child. Assertive messages are self-focused messages; that is, the assertive message focuses the child on himself or herself, in particular: 1. How the child feels about the situation 2. The childs right to feel that way 3. What the child wants or needs from the other child Self-focused and assertive messages are always delivered in the form of an Imessage that starts with I feel _____ and ends with I want_____. To teach children to make an assertive request, we can use the following sentence stem:

When you _____ (problem behavior), I feel ____ (personal reaction or feeling), and I want _____ (goal). Using an assertive frame of reference, we can define conflict as something out there that a child wants (or needs) but does not know how to get it. In interpersonal conflict, when two children want or need different things, and they do not know how to satisfy simultaneously what they either want or need, a social problem is born. Being more specific, we can pinpoint the origins of interpersonal conflict as opposing wants or opposing needs. This is particularly true when both children express what they want or need using an equivalent aggressive style, or when one child coerces and intimidates (the aggressive child) while the second child gives up fast and caves in (the passive child). In cases like these ones, the introductory step in managing the conflict is to train both children in how to find a fair solution to their social problem asking for what each of them wants or needs using assertive language. Developing proficiency in assertive language, stated Schaefer in his classic How to Influence Children: A Handbook of Practical Child Guidance Skills (1994), trains children in how to: 1. Give an objective description of the problem or the offending behavior. For example, Youve been teasing me a lot 2. Express the feeling or personal reaction associated with the offending behavior; and that makes me feel bad. 3. Make a request for a different behavior. A request focuses in asking the other child to do something or to act in a particular way. There are two kinds of requests: a) A request to stop doing something or a stop request. For example, I want you to stop calling me names.

b) A request to do something different, or a start request. For example, Try calling me by my name. Regardless of the kind of request, the child making the request is expressing either something that he/she wants or something that he or she needs. For children in particular, stop requests are much easier to develop and articulate than start requests. My suggestion is to have children articulate stop requests while the teacher develops and helps children articulate start requests. Schaefer warns that just telling the other child to stop a behavior will not necessarily make the other child stop that behavior. However, the other child may be willing to change his behavior if he receives a good suggestion or an alternative about what to do instead. To make a request for a new behavior the author proposes that children try one of these four assertive responses: Description of the Problem Behavior: I was reading this book and you took it. I did not like when you did that. Assertive Approaches: Let us discuss this, or let us talk about this. Please move somewhere else, or do something else; for example, Please get a different book or find something else to do. Let us share, or let us read the book together. Wait now and you will get it later or you will get it later. Teaching Children How To Make an Assertive Request Assertive language is all about making requests. When both children agree on the solution, no conflict exists, but, when children disagree on the solution (conflict), then, the next thing to do is to make a request for behavior change. In this kind of request, children take turns in stating what they want in a way that considers what

the other child wants and shows sensitivity toward the feelings of the other child. Children can accomplish this by saying what they want from the other child using behavioral language; that is, describing what they expect the other child to do. When one student is passive and the second child is aggressive (verbally and/or physically), teach the passive student how to request a change in behavior using assertive language: 1. Have the passive student make the assertive request telling what he wants from the aggressive child to stop doing. For example, I want you to stop calling me names. 2. The passive student then tells how the unwanted behavior is making him feel. For example, I feel embarrassed when you do that. Alternatively, have the passive student suggest an alternative behavior in exchange for something that he will do in return. The child can use the following sentence stem, If you _____, then I _____. For example, If you stop calling me names, I will share my Spidermans collection with you. Make sure that students understand that an I-message is not simply about being polite or being nice. Of course, niceness helps, but the assertive message aims at the bigger role of being clear. I-statements tell the other child how it is from my side, and how I see it. When children deliver assertive messages, they are not trying to force the other child to do things my way; they are simply telling the other child exactly what they want or need from them. I-messages and assertive language are not the solution to the problem, but they are door openers that start constructive conversations and begin to heal hurt feelings. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model Developed by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, this model for managing conflict follows assertive principles, organizing five conflict

management styles based on two main dimensions: assertiveness and cooperativeness. According to the proponents of this model, there are five styles in handling conflict. 1. Accommodating. This style of dealing with conflict parallels the passive style; on both styles, the child cooperates to such a high degree that she sacrifices own goals (what the child wants) and needs (e.g., Whatever you want to do is fine). Children who accommodate always put other childrens needs first, which can lead to frustration and resentment. For this reason, the accommodating style is not effective in meeting childrens emotional needs. 2. Avoiding. This is another passive behavior. The child simply avoids conflict by avoiding the issue (e.g., Forget about it. Is not a big deal). Although on the surface, it may look that the more aggressive child got what she wanted, closer inspection reveals that only short-lived goals are met, with neither party in the conflict reaching their long-term goals. Most importantly, the child who avoided the issue gave up her rights to pursue own goals assertively. 3. Collaborating. We can say that assertive communication starts at this level. Here, children in conflict pair up to achieve both of their goals. On styles 1to-3, conflict was managed within the win-lose paradigm; one childs victory is the second childs defeat. Now, for the first time, children shift their perception of the problem from adversaries to partners, and, as partners, they seek for a win-win solution (e.g., I would like to do it this way; what would you like?). The win-win approach relies on changing the conflict from adversarial attack to cooperation, which is a powerful shift in interpersonal communication. The collaborative style tries to satisfy the needs of everybody involved. Developing and/or strengthening a

collaborative problem solving style in children is the most important task for the conflict resolution manager. The challenge for the conflict manager is to make it happen. 4. Competing. This is the strongest win-lose style (e.g., My way or no way). While we may see one child acting in a firm and decisive way to achieve what she wants, the child is not seeking to cooperate and may be violating the other childs rights and goals. In most competitive situations, the conflict turns into a power struggle. 5. Compromising. When children compromise, each child relinquishes something of what she wants, and both children achieve some, but not all, of what they originally wanted (e.g., Ill meet you half way). Although on a compromise each side achieves partial success, the Thomas-Kilmann Model classifies this style as a lose-lose scenario, because neither side gets exactly what they wanted. Other authors in assertive communication strongly advocate that we teach how to compromise to children in conflict. Particularly when the conflict is complex, it helps to teach children to seek little wins and small concessions.

What is Social Problem-Solving? Consistent with our basic definition of interpersonal conflict (conflict happens when children want something but they do not know how to get it), we can define social problem-solving as a procedure to help students find out both what they want and how to get what they want in the most effective way. Since social problems are a natural and inevitable part of the classroom experience, it is in the best interest of everybody in the classroom to learn better ways of solving them. Ineffective social problem-solving strategies create and/or contribute to the deterioration of interpersonal interactions. On the other hand, effective problemsolving skills develop positive expectations and strengthen positive interpersonal interactions. The problem-solving process is a child guidance technique based on talking. Process is a key word for a reason; solving a social problem is not something that we teach in a single step or that we do one time only, and then, we are done with it. To succeed, we need to focus our daily classroom management on building positive relationships (both teacher-to-student and student-to-student), and in finding ways in which students can cooperate. The second key word in the introductory sentence is talking; on each problem-solving step, we train students in how to talk out about their disagreements in a positive and assertive way, as opposed to an aggressive and/or confrontational way. As a starting point, the teacher helps children reframe the current problem from conflict (the original perception) to challenge (the new perception). With this new perception, we are influencing a mental shift in how children interpret the situation, putting children in the right mental state to create a second shift, this time, from a situation that feels out of their control to a situation that, although they do not like, they are very

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