WHAT WH ITE E LEPHANT

THEHATEISSUE

VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED, NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL AGES, CONSULT WITH YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CONSUMING AS IT MAY INTERACT WITH CERTAIN MEDICATIONS

THIS MAGAZINE CONTAINS HIGHLY SATIRICAL JOKES & A CATTY ,ALMOST SNIDE SENSE OF HUMOR (AT TIMES) AND WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT IS NOT LIABLE FOR YOUR NONEXISTENT SENSE OF HUMOR, OR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. DO NOT USE HEAVY MACHINERY WHEN USING

hate noun, often attributive \ht\ Definition of HATE 1 a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury b : extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing <had a great hate of hard work> 2 : an object of hatred <a generation whose finest hate had been big business F. L. Paxson> Origin of HATE Middle English, from Old English hete; akin to Old High German haz hate, Greek kdos care First Known Use: before 12th century Related to HATE Synonyms: abhorrence, abomination, detestation, execration, hatred, loathing Antonyms: affection, devotion, fondness, love

HERES

the thing
WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT - a subsidiary of STUFF & THING, L.L.C. - a division of CONJECTURE TECHNOLOGIES INCORPORATED You can find this issue and past issues at scribd.com/whatwhiteelephant or even email us at WHATWHITEELEPHANT@gmail.com & well send you a pdf (unless were still asleep). Were also on Facebook, and on Twitter @what_elephant (if youre into those sorts of things). Physical copies are on a first come, first served basis (offer void in Texas). We only usually print -200 or so copies (cause we dont have any sponsors yet; because were bad at self-promotion or too principled or something to have any) and most are sent out through our awesomely fantastic mailing list. You can submit your mailing address through the various forms of communication mentioned above (my money is on smoke-signal) to be added to said mailing list, however we will not mail anything within a 18 mile radius of Midwestern City (were poor robots & figure its easier to hand you a copy than use 3.25 stamps to send it 11 miles away five days later). If you are in the local broadcast area, please contact your nearest regional zine representative about obtaining a physical copy.

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WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THEAUGUSTISSUE

CONTENTS
HOROSCOPES HATE CRIMES THE TIRED ...2 ...4 ...6

FOREGROUND
DEAR PATRONS ...7
Some kind hearted advice from one of our favorite hourly wage earning servers

HATRED MADE EASY

An instructional guide on how to fill your your heart with genuine hate

...8

13

THINGS I HATE

A numbered list of things our author and probably you, hate. Order now! Operators are standing by!

...10

CONTEMPT & DISGUST ...12

And though he felt hate, he knew the next step was going to embrace what others deny inside

DELINQUENTS

...13

...17

A bulleted list of things to hate about our culture, society, social interactions, fairness of rights & many others that get under the skin

...15

I HATE YOU

...14

A theoretical ode to no one, including you, you stupid piece of shit

HUGE FLOPPY VAGINAS

...15

AN ANGRY ALMOST EVILLY SINISTER LOATHING

AN OFFICIAL NOTICE THINGS OVERHEARD THE GUEST LIST ...18 ...19 ...20

Ladies, pay attention if this is you

GHOSTS OF THE PAST ...17

Just let go of the hate you hold inside

SPONSOREDBYHATE

YOU WANTED ABOUT HOROSCOPES EVERYTHINGBUT WERE TOOTO KNOWTO ASK THE FUTURE HATEFUL
ARIES - Youve been so busy in the last few weeks, Aries! In case you missed last weeks episode of Weeds, Nancy gets a weird nice personality transplant, and someone tells Silas he should dye his hair dark again. Thats basically everything that happened, spoiler alert. Unfortunately, you were so preoccupied watching your shows that you didnt notice the Taurus in your life being real super shady & vengeful. Call them out on it. TAURUS - An Aquarius at your job got a raise even though you totally deserved one over them. I would tell you to get even, but a Sagittarius gave you horrible revenge advice last month, and youre probably going to go to jail. Avoid all calls as your phone is probably tapped, and if the detective cant reach you to arrange an interrogation, youre probably not going to be prosecuted in court. Save up money for a good lawyer, and if all else fails, I hear Mexico is especially gang violencey this time of year. GEMINI - Its a good month to run away, Gemini. Problems? What problems? Obligations? What obligations? Pack up a knapsack with your cant live without essentials (you know, weapons, illicit narcotics, phone numbers of underage girls) and take off in search of a new life away from pending litigation. Just dont do something stupid like speeding, or an improper lane change because the cops will totally see your warrant when they run your name. Invest in a good fake i.d. or become a better liar.
2 WRATHFULDIVINATIONS

CANCER - Did you have a good birthday, Cancer? Hopefully you had a lot of fun & lived it up, because lets face it, youre not getting any younger so you might as well get in your kicks in now even if that means getting dropped each time you try to do a keg-stand. This month will seem like a neverending run-on sentence with hardly any structure, meaning or reason. Luckily youll be so drunk youll hardly even notice. LEO - Welcome back, Leo! How was your fun month of avoidance and selfdestruction? Itll be even more fun this month as all your friends are no longer annoying you by trying to make a valid human connection with you anymore. Although they might be calling because you borrowed some of their personal property and swore you wouldnt disappear with it. You sly crafty ape you. You might trying being a little less ambilivent this month, and start showering regularly too. Coward. VIRGO - Easy there, Trigger. Itll be a high stress, tension filled month so youd be wise in getting your xanax prescription refilled. If the pharmicist says he cant do it, call you doctor and cry a lot-- doctors are suckers for criers. If you have any trouble with faking it til you make it, call an Aquarius in your life; theyre the most fradulent people I know. And hey-- if all else fails, theyll probably have some xanax you could buy. Not that Im endorsing criminal behavior or anything of the sort.

LIBRA - A lot of Libras were pissed at me last month for their short horoscope, but Im serious: stop drinking so much & start praying more. Your soul & liver will thank me later. In other made up predictions, you will get into a heated argument with your significant other later this week. Id tell you to concede to their point, but I dont wanna run the risk of telling you that youre wrong and you hitting me again. You can be a bully when provoked, but everyone knows thats an endearing characteristic of yours. SCORPIO - The month has been very stop and go, stop and go, stop and go and youre starting to get car sick. Ask the driver to pull over before you hurl out the window or theyre going to have burrito enchilada style streaked down the side of their car. A Taurus in your life keeps breaking the law, and you know sooner or later theyre going to be caught. If you feel like getting involved, you could always hook them up with a certain law-fleeing Gemini in your life unless said Taurus is of-age, then the Gemini will probably want nothing to do with them. SAGITTARIUS - Its probably a good time to move, Sagittarius, even if you just did. Constantly moving from place to place will give your creditors one helluva run for their money (pun intended) and theyll probably just give up anyway. Its a world full of choices and opportunities for you provided you havent annihilated the remaining good bits of your credit score. But who needs good credit nowadays anyway? If the government can run itself into the ground, so can you. Resist the urge to whine so much.

CAPRICORN - Youre going to get into a car wreck half an hour after reading this, Capricorn. But dont get your hopes up about an extended medical leave because you cant even afford the deductible on your insurance. Heres a tip, before the healthcare reform kicks in in 2014, you could always just use a fake name when admitting yourself into the emergency room-- not that Im suggesting you do anything illegal. Leave that for the Tauruses & Geminis. If youre feeling bored, try meddling in the affairs of others this month. AQUARIUS - Its been a sickening month Aquarius, and I dont mean that in the cool slang sort of way. Youre moving from a 4 to a -2, so dont be such a douche or someone is likely to tell you so next time their WASTED at party. Fortunately, youre about to get a raise at work despite the fact a Scorpio in your life deserved it more than you. Fake it until you make it. Try thinking thin this month; eggs & grapefruit. If it worked for Sara Goldfarb, itll work for you too provided you dont go insane. PISCES - You should wear a blue shirt tomorrow. Blue compliments your eyes really, really well. If you decide to go on adventures, chose tea over coffee because its better for you. Also, you have to be up at 6 in the morning for really no good reason at all. Your dedication to timeliness will win you accolades from your peers, and jealous envy from your past peers & foes. Its an especially good month to find a job too. Dont listen to what everyone says about the recession as theyre all just terribly unmotivated.

WHITE WOMEN & HATE CRIMES

Yeti Detective
Hate is a many splendored thing. All you need is Hate. Give Hate a chance. Are these my ideas for bumper stickers? No. Well, also yes, and if you steal them I will put you in the gimp closet where its just you and the gimp for seven minutes of madness and he just stares at you with his cold, lifeless, hungry eyes, and you keep waiting for him to make a move, but he never does. Then you realize the closet is dark, and how can I see his eyes, oh my god are they glowing? Are his eyes glowing? What is he under that black vinyl mask? Human? Some kind of shark man? Then you realize it isnt a mask and the seven minute timer goes off and I drag you back out of the closet and you cant stand up or remember your name and I leave you in an alley between two dumpsters with a half-empty jug of vodka and your family never hears from you again because you dont ever remember them or anything else that happened before the gimp closet. Im pretty sure gimp closet ownership is my 2nd amendment protected right. Or something. Like I care. I bought it from a man with no face out of the trunk of a black Cadillac at a foggy crossroads at 6:66 am. Shits not even registered to me. Lets talk about Hate. And by that I mean, shut up. Im going to talk about Hate. Hate is my favorite emotion. Its my strongest motivation, though fear follows close on its tail. Not to go all Yoda on you, but fear, anger, and Hate are all part of a spectrum of negative emotion. Fear is beautiful because its imminent and exciting. When you feel fear its because OH SHIT! SOMETHING IS RIGHT HERE! RIGHT BEHIND YOU! RUN YOU FUCK! CLOSE THE DOOR! OH MY GOD ITS TOO LATE! IT GOT ITS CLAWS IN!

SHOVE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! OH NO ITS TOO STRONG! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE HERE SOBBING AND WITH WET, SHITTY PANTS! Fear is real. Fear is a survival mechanism. Its an animal instinct, and it is good for all of us to be reminded from time to time that we are animals. You are meat, and when you die something will eat you and shit you out. Unless you died because something was eating you. Then its basically still the same, just change the order of the what I just said. Anger is the bitch emotion, in my opinion. A lot of people think thats fear. Oh, youre afraid? You must be a bitch. A mewling, simpering child who wants to cry out for its mommy but somethings taken over mommys head and shes stumbling up and down the hall outside, calling for you to come out in a voice you dont recognize, kitchen knife scraping the walls. Pussy. But really, no. Everyone feels fear. And there are two ways to deal with it. You either overcome it, or you give in to it. You stop running or fighting and you let the thing eat you. And if, god forbid, the thing that ate you didnt have literal claws and fangs, if it was just a deadline you missed, a friend you let down, a cop that yelled, FREEZE! Well, then you start to feel anger. You feel angry at yourself for being too weak to overcome. You feel angry at the friend for putting you in a position where they relied on you. You feel angry at a system that requires you to steal to support your 6 bottle a day cough syrup habit. Anger is what you feel when your fear came true, but it didnt end in your death. Samurai used to kill themselves just to avoid feeling this emotion, and they were literally professional bad-asses. Anger is like a quivering jelly that wants to pretend its a steel-hard monster. Thats what you modern humans do with your anger. You inflate it, like the puffer fish who blows up to pretend he isnt small. You put on TapOut t-shirts and wrap-around sunglasses and

smear on fake tanning lotion and bench press weights until you literally inflate like the puffer fish, and you say things like, Im so PISSED! when what you really mean is, I gave in to terror. I didnt want to feel fear anymore, so I let it overcome me, and now I am this broken, wretched thing. Mais non, mes amis. Truly, I am here to deliver you from this. No longer will you have to pretend like youre a bad ass cage fighter while youre wearing jorts and flip flops at Walmart so you can buy an American flag folding chair to sit in while you watch the air show. You too can free yourself from insipid anger and graduate to Pure Hate. Hate isnt just a higher form of anger. It is a more mature reaction to fear. Anger is hot and reactive. Hate is cold and enduring. The word is often misused. I hate snakes, is something that someone might say when they really mean, Snakes make me afraid, so I try to avoid them. That isnt the same as Hate. Hate is magical. Hate is more than an emotion. Hate is a program in the slime computer that is your brain. A program you MUST execute. In the same way that a shark has no choice but to devour and destroy anything that comes too close to its horrible, all-consuming face. When you Hate, you simply Must Destroy. Its better than fear, because fear is immediate. Something scares you, and you get away from it, and then thats it. The fear is over. But even if you destroy the object of your Hate, you arent satisfied. Its a hunger, like the sharks hunger. There isnt a bottom to it. There isnt a quota you must fill. There isnt a time card you can punch at the end of the day, and then you can stop Hating for a few hours. True Hate drives you. It sharpens you. It isnt like love. Love makes you soft. Someone in love is content to die once their love is in their arms. Love feels good because it sates your desire. Hate is never sated. Hate never dies. Hate will keep you alive when nothing else can.

Hate is your best tool to change this world into what you think it should be. Love has its place, but Hate is the sculptors chisel, winnowing out that which is not wanted in order to form something beautiful. This world is your personal bonsai tree. Love will make the branches grow, but hate is your pruning shears. It is your responsibility to make the shapes you want to see in the world, and you will need both tools. Dont neglect Hate. Where angers relationship to fear is reactive, Hates relationship is active. If someone truly Hates snakes they will work every day of their life to eradicate snakes from existence. If you tell that person that here is a room full of snakes they wont say, No. I cant go in there. I hate snakes. They will say, Good then. Give me a garden rake. I will make that a room that is no longer full of snakes. What? Youre questioning my use of garden rake? Everyone knows that the garden rake is the most efficient tool for killing hundreds and hundreds of snakes. You obviously arent a Snake Crusader. I am. I have a badge and everything. Get off your American Flag folding chair and get on my level.

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I pull hesitantly, patiently, carefully another deep, anxious, fearful breath again. I am so in love with you filling my lungs with ever-so-cleverly measured poison. A sigh remembers too. I wince painfully, expectantly, happily another long, dreadful, sharp breath again. Its a love hate kind of thing as you hate me like I have hated you because I hate myself for loving you. A tear remembers too. Echoed, reverberates, repeats mistakes. I yearn for another taste.

THE TIRED

Synonymous

One last prayer. One last hope. One last try. One last vote. One last meal. One last smoke. One last drink. One last fuck. One last desire. One last fear. One last pleasure. One last breath again. One last freedom. One last trial. One last persecution. One last denial. One last war. One last day. One last event. One last, good breath.

I try faithfully, cautiously, trembling another uncertain, new, bleak breath again. I am so in love with you changing my atoms with ever-so-secretly perfectly measured poison. Scientifically! A bleeding wound remembers too. I brace adventurously, carefully, panicking another divided, capsizing, sinking breath again. I am falling, I am falling, I am failing, I am falling, I am falling, I am falling, I am falling. The past remembers too. I wince painfully, pull hesitantly. I implore for another taste. I guess dangerously, recklessly, shamefully another erratic, predictable, dramatic breath again. Just one last second. Just one last second. Just one last second. I thank wistfully, preciously, errantly another tired, long, finite breath again. I am so in love with your deliberate, vicious, controlling ever-so-masterfully measured poison. A bruised ego remembers too. One last, good breath.

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DEAR PATRONS
The Inbreastigator

First of all, FUCK YOU. Each & every one of you suck a dirty dick because we hate you. I speak on behalf of everyone clocked in right now. We.fucking.HATE. YOU. Get it? Heres why... First, you were born & you were given a number. Thats all you are. Youre a number Bitch! So I dont know exactly where you come off thinking that you run shit because that is certainly not the case. Heres some examples If I tell you theres a 45 minute wait.. YES, I AM serious. Thats why I fucking said it you slow mother fucker. Throw a fitGo ahead. Now it feels twice as sweet when I stick your ass at a table by the bathrooms Enjoy [=D] Maybe slip me some cash next time. Buy yourself the favor. Otherwise, back of the line cunt! This isnt Free Handouts City. You missed that turn back by NEVAGONAHAPPEN. If I say were out of something that means we dont fucking have it. So quit fucking staring at me like I can pull it out of my ass. Youre the one that looks ignorant. What if I could pull it out of my ass? What if it was just a super painful process? You would still expect me to do it wouldnt you? See, you are a fucking bitch. Im a paying customer! No, youre just fat & so are your kids. Lets say you knock something off a clothing rack. Heres an idea.. Pick it the fuck up! Youre the one that cant fit between the aisles! Dont think for one second that we dont see you look down at it & keep walking. Oh if only

looks could kill. Serving jobs are the absolute worst! Theres a reason they changed it from servants to servers & its because YOU AINT THE QUEEN BITCH!.. & fuck you for thinking that you are. Sitting there sucking your soda like its the last dick & making your server make 10 trips for your bitch ass. You knew you wanted ranch the whole time. Dont even act like you didnt. Your fat ass eats ranch on everything. If theyre about to refill your drink, do them a favor & tell them then. ALWAYS tip 20%. Its not their fault you racked up a huge bill. Maybe you should get a lunch portion next time. Maybe go for a salad. They even put the EZ Tip Calculator in your phone so that its EZ4U. That way you dont even have to use your brain! You love that. Its so perfect for you. Do us all a favor and take this ticket to Batman & get shot. Too soon? Anyway, save your stupid fucking questions. Try using YOUR brain because we actually are busy & we really dont have enough crayons to help you figure it out. Check your attitude at the door. Yes, we do Get paid to do that but not if you piss us the fuck off. Who wants to help a stupid bitch? Remember, youre not special. Youre just a face and a fat ass in our eyes. Youre lucky we even give you a chance. Most importantly, realize the person youre being unnecessarily hateful to probably works that shitty job 40+ hours a week at a shitty pay rate just to not only provide for his or herself & his or her family, but to come be a paying customer & treat you like shit at your job!!! Muahaha.

DININGADVICEFORWHINERS

HATRED MADE EASY:

A USERS GUIDE

Dr. Elbow

The Hate Issue. I have loved this issue for years because its an extremely liberating word- one that most are afraid of. Christians claim they never do it. Children do it all the time. However, I have grown a respect for those who hate appropriately and I thrive to be one of those people. You see, if you hate (and you hate well) then you have balance. We all love someone but can we really love someone until we really learn to properly hate. Here are some tips: Find someone that doesnt make you angry. You see, anger is form of passion and passion is far too volatile an environment to grow a true, honest hatred. This is why hate groups are usually quite the opposite. If you go through all of the trouble of making posters, organizing events and even penning some pretty powerful poetry or editorials about someone(s) I honestly have doubt that you harbor hatred for said recipient. Get to know who you are attempting to hate. Sit down with this person and learn all you can about them. Obviously theres something about them that turns you off and you need to make sure that what you know is whats actually the case. Theres nothing worse than finally finding that special someone that you can honestly hate for the rest of your life and then find out that everything you hate about them is a lie. For example, find a friend and act out this role play: Jon: Hey Joe! I heard that you are a conservative Republican Joe: Why yes, Jon I am indeed a conservative Republican. (Dont stop there...clarify) 8

Jon: So just to set things straight- you feel that gays shouldnt be allowed to legally marry, that a woman cannot make reproductive decisions and rich people should pay less taxes than anyone else? Joe: Yes Jon, that is what I believe. There you have it! Jon has finally found someone he can honestly hate. Heres an example of what could happen if youre not careful: Jon: Hey Joe! Did I see you coming out of a church the other day? Joe: Yes Jon, I was indeed walking out of a church right after a service the other day. Again...Dont stop there Jon: Oh, are you a christian? Joe: No Jon, my grandfather died of liver cancer and I was attending his funeral. You see, Jon could have made an assumption and decided that Joe was worthy of hatred for being a typical christian bigot but thank goodness he got all of the information. Dont be scared to hate. If you are like me then you were raised in church to love everyone. Even people you dont know. This is absurd. How can you love people who havent given you the things in life that really matter like -money or.... orgasms? Nothing makes me laugh harder than mean christians who deny themselves their god given right to hate another human being. I mean, the god that tells them to love also created a hell to put people in and to me thats probably the most hateful thing ANYTHING could do. How does he justify this? Because theres a heaven. So to convince a christian that hatred is acceptable just use their logic against them. Hatred like hell and is necessary for true

ASOCIALCOMMENTARY;HOWTOHATE

@HEARTSTOMP.org

love like heaven to exist which makes expressing hatred one of natures true examples of being honest with yourself AND those you can freely hate. Let it happen naturally. You dont have to go out and search for someone to hate. Did you have to seek out brussel sprouts or Rush Limbaugh? No, these things were placed in front of you at some point and you just hated them. It felt good to say, Oh my god this is awful! Growing up I am sure your blooming hatred for things and people was set aside, silenced or forced into denial. As we aged we were told that hate was a certain type of wordstrong. Strength is supposed to be a great term but not when it describes hate. Lets look at other words of strength like courage, determination or depravity and ask ourselves if ever once when weve used such terms if those we were speaking to said Now, now THAT is a strong word- youd better rethink that. No! They proceeded and made history. While hate has been left in the background its responsible for ending such things as: polyester clothing, pig latin and Kathy Lee Gifford. Hate is natural, free and unlike its counterpart could never lead to things like bankruptcy or STDs. Say it often. Its going to take years to undo all of the christian values and respect for elders so dont be shy. Use the word hate as often as possible. You might not mean it every time at this point but you need to get comfortable with the word Encourage people to hate YOU. Hate is not a one way street and its selfish to rob someone the chance of hating you appropriately. Encourage them to read this article or just memorize and point out the facts I have mentioned. It might take a while to convince those you dont know to

hate you and you might have to go outside of your comfort zone. Here are some tips: Openly share biased beliefs Give honest opinions especially about someones genitalia or children Express feelings and act on them because despite what they tell you, they usually ALWAYS JUST hate the sinner. Hate and then move on. It will feel good to evolve into someone who freely hates others. Just dont go overboard. It usually only takes directly telling someone three times that you hate them and any additional times is just mean. The purpose of this article is to promote honesty- not cruelty. Hate is like any other form of self expression that you have to teach yourself and like masturbation it will be feel awesome at first but if youre not careful you might hurt yourself. People have hated each other for centuries and like most things was just fucked up by religion. I encourage you to take some time out of your day and log onto your favorite social network to start the process. Just remember that its never too late to hate!

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THINGS I HATE
(And like to think other people hate too)

Andariel Bond I must be honest with you all. I am the kind of person that does not truly like many things. I must say I am truly the kind of person that can find something to hateabout everything. As the titles of this article states, this will be a list of things I hate and things I will assume everyone hates so I dont feel so weird about it. 1. Customer Service- Working in customer service the people whom provide customer service Its all shitty. 2. Penis- Hate them. They are awkward. Dont know how they work They look weird. Sorry. 3. Vaginas- Hate those as well. Awkward. They look weird and I do know how they work which makes me hate them more. 4. Nickels- WHERE ARE YOUR RIDGES? 5. People who think they are cleverMost of the time they are stupid. 6. People who think they know everything- Do not. 7. People- -shrugs- What more do I need to say? 8. College- We go, and think we are going to learn sooooo much shit and end up taking the same god damn classes as we did in high school. The fuck? 9. YOLO- ..Shut the fuck up. 10. Hipsters who call themselves hipYou were cute the first time but now I feel like you need to make broken noses hip. 11. Being unexpectedly called into work on my day off- The one time 10 NUMBEREDLISTOFHATE

I had plans. Thanks. 12. New music- No You were not the first to discover them 13. Being the ugly friend- and knowing it. 14. Subliminal messages- Actually I love those. 15. Buying clothes- Then getting home, finding out they are to big/ small and discovering that the tag is now laying in the trash can. 16. Judgemental people- I have a cock you can go ahead and suck it. 17. Not being able to sleep- Its like the one thing I used to be an expert at what the hell happened? 18. Watching movies with commercials- Or movies with limited 5 minute commercial breaks. 19. Pinterest Recipes- They never turn out right or look like the picture I dont want to eat something that looks like, literally, a steaming pile. 20. Age discrimination- Because Im 19 and obviously irresponsible. Because Im 29 and obviously wear diapers and shit myself. 21. When porn is stuck at 99% loadedIm not even horny anymore after its done. Not being able to think of anymore things I hate even though I hate pretty much everything- The End.

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CONTEMPT & DISGUST

Presley Grundlebash

BENEFICIAL

Out of all the feelings within the great phenomenon of human emotions, hate is one of my absolute favorites. Its in a tie with love though of course.. hehe! I have a love/hate relationship with existence and pretty much everything involved. I dont see how some people can think that hate is wrong and try to not hate. It is a natural emotion that we all feel at some point in our existence and to deny yourself of it seems unnatural. Hate leads to murder, genocide, war and other fun shit, and these are all natural things that happen and have happened on earth since the beginning of our recorded history and most likely long before; not to mention on other planets a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I dont think that a person could have a proper appreciation for true love without also knowing true abhorrence. I was lucky enough to have lived through situations that showed me that despising certain people isnt only natural, but it just feels correct. Hating the right people and the right things can make you feel just downright amazing, and how can I feel like there is something wrong with that? Though that is subjective, what each and every individual feels is right and wrong; hating can make any individual feel excellent. So I guess that kind of means I love hate. But I cant really say I hate love. Love is one confusing, hurtful bitch sometimes but I feel that I love love.. Love

and hate, like the ying and the yang, light and dark, good and bad.. Everything has both positive and negative aspects to be found, all you have to do is look. Some people focus on finding all of the bad in the world and vice versa. I try to find both elements in things as much as I can because I feel deep down that nothing is purely one or the other. For instance, when it comes to this existence and its initiation; I had no choice in being brought into existence, none of us do, and that pisses me off a lot usually when I think about it. Perhaps if this state of existence made any sense whatsoever it wouldnt be so bad that you dont get to make that primary decision. But, on the other hand its just as easy to take the curse for a blessing in the fact that we are able to experience so many great things and make all of our own decisions. Its too bad that the majority of humanity does not think for themselves or make their own decisions most of the time; nor are they aware of that fact which makes them incapable of fixing it. I feel that I can assume that if your path led you to reading this that you are hopefully somewhat of an intelligent person with an open mind, but we all know what assumptions can make. I went through a long period from about 13 to 18 of searching and figuring out all of the things that I detest in this world. It seems to me that that was an important part of my development in becoming who I am now. By going through all the things that I found and felt were wrong with religion, politics, society and everything else that I possibly could, I was able to separate my-

self from these very strong ideas and not allow them to corrupt me. It wasnt hard to become completely disgusted by all religion being brought up Catholic. Christianity in general is one of the dumbest religions to have ever plagued earth, and of course, one of the strongest. I personally do not accept any faith, I actually hate the idea of faith; just believing things because you can, doesnt make them real. Faith is blind hope. I cannot say I know that there is or isnt a divine presence, but I know there is no Christian god, or any of the other made up bullshit these ignorant parasites spew forth from their imagination. I will defecate on that which is said to be sacred. Anyone who claims to know these things can simply drop dead. If you actually knew any of the fundamentally unknown answers to this existence, then Id say, well fuck, you must be god. I believe in uncertainty, the great mysterious wonderment that this existence thrives on. Its the only thing that I know is real, the fact that I dont know what shit. Brain twistys!! Onto politics, my second most hated thing about humanity. I dont think that humans will ever be able to live in peace. When it comes to finding peace, I believe that it is possible, but only within each individual. Mutually we all see a different way the world should work and that is why collective peace seems impossible to me. Since the beginning of time people have let their egos persuade them to think that they know what is best for the rest of us when it comes to every aspect of living life. WROOONG!!! You dont know

shit about what is good for anyone but your damn self, and a lot of people dont even know that much. I just try to live my life how I want and allow others the same comfort. I hate anyone who has to try to be in control of others. For a long time thinking about all of these things made me quite a negative person, but at some point I realized it didnt have to be that way. Just because all this shit completely blows doesnt mean it has to affect me, after all, I dont feel like I am a part of any of it. Its not my fault the world sucks, but it is my fault that Im awesome regardless. Ive met a lot of really amazing people in my life that have given me hope for humanity, but they unfortunately pale in comparison to the day to day ignorance that blatantly reveals itself with no consideration for my desire to maintain sanity. I went through my phase of thinking all humans must die, but now I just think most humans should die; or rather never have been given the chance to exist in the first place. So all together, hate has seemed to have been a very helpful emotion for me throughout my life. It has played a major role in creating me, and whether you realize it or not, it has probably done the same for you. So keep the hate going strong everyone!!! Oh, I dont like that word, hate, its such a strong word. Yup. And just like all other words it was made up by someone to describe something. In this instance, the strong feeling Im feeling towards you right now.

12

SUBCONSCIOUSILLUMINATIONS

I ENJOY THE CESSPOOL DELINQUENTS WITH HEARTS

I hate how the majority of people confine their sexuality to traditional gender-roles society created. I hate how the majority of people are afraid to feel comfortable within their own skin and yet ridicule others relentlessly in real life. I hate how the majority of people feel shame at exploring their bodies and what gets them off. I hate how the majority of people still feel that being gay is a lifestyle like choosing to be vegetarian or a fucking nudist. I hate how the majority of people actually give a shit who other people fuck. I hate how the majority of people have to go to college just to fucking make it within the working world substantially. I hate how the majority of popular television doesnt have a headlining queer couple as an actual show. I hate how the majority of popular fiction like 50 Shades of Grey and Twilight is actually popular because I know I can write better porn, matter of factbetter porn with vampires while taking a shit. I hate how the majority of popular opinions of scholars are quoted behind a translucent grey background with couples fucking kissing on the internet. I hate how the majority of my Facebook friends fucking post those quoted images. I hate how the majority of music is so accessible.

Velveteen

I hate how the majority of my graduating class are fucking pregnant and think its cool when their only 19. I hate how the majority of transportation is driving. I hate how the majority of people look at you like an invalid if you dont drive.

I hate how Im making a list of things I hate simply because I wasnt creative enough to actually write something worthwhile. I hate how at the end of the day Im just like every other fucker you feels hate some days. I hate how needy and craving I am of some peoples attention just to know that Im not alone. I hate how Im still fighting to figure out whether its best to continually love the person I fell for six years ago. I hate how Im still waiting for the one while feeling like Im in love. I hate how the people I care for now and in the future cant get married because they either both have dick or a vagina. I hate how I dont know what Im going to do with my life. I hate how others view me as strong and unbreakable. I hate how Im not where I thought Id be this time in my life. I hate how its so much easier to make a list of things I hate about myself than about the world that surrounds me. Yet one thing I can say that I love instead of hate is how it doesnt rule my life and isnt the mask I hide behind.

I HATE
Before this thing takes off, I have to tell you one thing: I hate you. I dont know who you are, but I dont want to like you. That dismal view of the future of my disposition for you is every bit as good as hate. Life is full of things I dont want to like. Have you ever had a conversation with a hitchhiker about the craft of hitchhiking? Theyll tell you of roadlife and the obstacles, challenges, and bright moments that come along. I dont want to like it. I am not going to be intimate with it nor will I seek it out. That unknown is easier to alienate than to pursue and fairly evaluate. Lets try an easier example than the hitchhiker: try having a conversation with a drunkard next time youre having a happy hour special at the Sonic Drive-in in the seedy part of town. The drunkards obstacles, challenges, and even his bright moments are easy to not seek out under my own gumption. I hate the human spirit and my listening to your ideas, as neither align with my own. I want you to go fuck yourself whenever I see your comfort in what you believe, especially whenever it doesnt fit into my head. I hate that you tackle obstacles, as though thats what life is about. I hate that you accept challenges to overcome. I hate that you take problems and make solutions. I hate that fear is something you dont let stop you. I hate that you have your own ideas as to what you want and will pursue, and I hate that you dont take my desolate word for truth. Your own

yOU

Peanut Scholar

ideas, how about that? What makes your ideas acceptable? Whatever opinion you wave for truth. Fuck all if its your truth or not. I hate whenever I get the answer for the question Ive asked. I dont actually want to be told the truth, I want to be told Im right for feeling the way I do. I want to be the most curmudgeon, stubborn blockhead this Midwest City has ever seen; but, at the same time I want to know that my success or failure was the best possible way to do something, regardless of the outcome. I hate that you did a better job than me even in simply conceptualizing an idea. I hate more that you did a good job, even when its something I went and done beat a long time ago. Fail, fail, fucking fail if youre going to have gumption. Learn to doubt. Everything makes much more sense than the hate behind seemingly everything. I hate the idea of wanting to do things for the sake of doing them; moreover, I hate myself for not being inspired but am instead always waiting for the next fluke of motivation turned into successful action. I hate you for believing in you. I want all of these things, and I dont hate any of them. I hate my being for not being a producer of my own beliefs, comforts, inspirations to overcome challenges, solutions to problems, and ideas to pursue. It really has nothing to do with you or you, but everything to do with me. You are the catalyst of the feeling I have about myself. You are either the opposite of my next good life, or the dream of the goal on my wall that Im not enough into myself to follow. I hate you for being there to give identity, via contrast or comparison, to what I am and am not doing. Get the fuck out of my mind, you hated piece of shit. I hate my perception of you..

14

ATALEOFINTROSPECTION

I need to get something off my chest about vaginas...

HUGE FLOPPY VAGINAS

Dustin Wood

of associations? Men dont. Never once have I seen a guy driving a huge jacked up 4x4 truck and went, Heh...Yeah, I bet jackin off for him is a short stroke... Never. At all. I have no idea if the guy is packing a knee-knocker or if he could inadequately model jockstraps for toddlers. I HAVE NO IDEA. When we see another dude with a truck we like, all we do is say to ourselves, Wow...nice looking truck. It seems as though its chicks who make the association between the sound of dual exhaust pipes and cock size. And men? Besides not assuming that another guy has a small dick because of the size of his vehicle, men never make similar assumptions about women. It just doesnt work that way. For instance, I can guarantee you that two guys have never seen a girl drive by in a Mazda Miata with the top down and said the following phrase to one another: Psh...see that chick with the little red sports car? Fuckin pathetic. I bet shes got some huge, floppy, vagina that sounds like two t-bones slappin against each other when she jogs. HUGE. FLOPPY. VAGINA. We dont say that! We dont automatically assume that about you, ladies! The only time we might is if you came by our frat house, the bros pulled a train on you, and we already know that youre a whore. But even then, it wouldnt be an assumption like some of the female members of our race make - nope, then itd be a knowledge.

Ive been thinking a lot today about the interactions between men and women and Im a bit irritated. Maybe I should back up... ***Squiggly Lines Squiggly Lines*** Squiggly Lines

The other day I overheard two women talking. They were discussing a guy they knew and how he had put a new suspension system on his truck and big tires with which to go mudding. Now, I drive a truck. A black 4x4 Ford F-150. I love my truck. However, it seems as though females have a default position of associating everything about a guy to his trouser snake. Everything. And I dont know why. Men? We dont do that. Its not all about our dick. Not everything in our lives is some how psychologically associated back to our penis. It just isnt. And heres the statement which set me off: Yeah, hes got a huge truck. Must have a tiny dick. HEHEHEHE! Congrats, ladies. Youve just shown yourself to be completely unoriginal. Completely. I mean that. Also, if you cant come up with some better insult than to assume that a guy who likes big trucks must have a small dick, well, again, congrats - youre not clever. Why do women make these sort

One other thing: Ladies, youre hypocritical. You see a guy in an expensive ride and you either assume hes got a tiny dick or you assume hes rich and, being attracted to power and stability as your gender tends to be, you want to let him lay some pipe on your HUGE. FLOPPY. VAGINA. Heres how to prove it: have your panties ever got wet looking at a guy driving a Hyundai Accent? No? Well, how about a Ford Fiesta. No again, huh? Maybe Chevy Aveo? Hmmm...seems as though a guys ride just might have something to do with him getting to put it down on your HUGE. FLOPPY. VAGINA. So, even if women were correct and vehicles were somehow correlated to the size of a mans member, youd only want to put it down on the ones who actually had a small package. Call me crazy, but Ive seen some of the Godzilla sized dildo-dongs you play with and I dont think you want a small dick for your HUGE. FLOPPY. VAGINA.

let go of the ghosts from the past

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. People are amazing creatures. We are born into this world perfect in every way. We are born without prejudice and malice in complete freedom, truth and harmony within the universe.

16

q
HUGEFLOPPYVAGINAS

mr.ficklebritches

I also believe in genetics. I dont want to appear as if Ive strictly sided with nurture over nature, however I do believe in the power of the human spirit and mind. We can do anything we set our minds to. And thats the problem; us. We are brought into this world as a blank tape recorder stuck on record. From the moment of birth, everything we are exposed to shapes us in some way or other, carving intricate facets into our personalities. All those around us (and sometimes those absent from us) impart both their wisdom, and their flaws onto us. We spend our youth being imprinted by those around us, and spend our adult lives trying to untangle, unlearn, or mask and hide from those imprints. Which brings me to hate; Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately. Ive been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about love and hate. I dont believe theres a fine line between love and hate, I think its the same emotion. It is an intense, overwhelming, thought consuming, irrational decision making emotion. And thats the problem; us. We become so caught up in this emotion were paralyzed in the throes of its dangerous grasp. Weve started this journey completely pure, honestly free and ended up hating others for no reason. We ended up hating ourselves for no reason. We spend our lives trying to hide the hate, ignore the hate, pretend the hate was never there at all and when that doesnt work, we project the hate back onto the others we think are to blame. We project the hate back onto ourselves when we think we are to blame. Most of our fan base (all 20 of you rule!) were disappointed to learn that Au-

gusts issue would be themed around hate, but I find it especially important to analyze and question even our darkest facets, our deepest faults. Instead of hiding, burying, or denying our true selves, why dont we resolve the past and strive for a better self in a better future. If all we do with our lives is regurgitate all the negative, what will it have all been worth? How many times do we have to be right or win or say, I told you so to justify denying our own existence, our own identity and our own happiness? I could sit here and painstakingly dissect your most practiced facade and throw even your darkest secrets into your face, but what would that really do? (other than show off my impressive attention to detail and my stunning vocabulary) You want tobe held back by your faults and consumed in never ending fear? Thats fine, your prerogative. You want to pretend for a little while longer? Thats fine as well. But I dont want to live with the ghosts of the past. Ive seen those lessons enough times and Im ready

to move forward. Im ready to love myself and live fully in my own skin. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Theres been many times in my life where people around me have cried foul at their own obstacles, some self-imposed and others not, have yearned for a way to take charge and move beyond their old demons. And when that catalyst sparks and the personal choice for change is made its amazing. However, despite what strengths you see in me, what wisdom or advice I could offer, I cannot live your life for you. Theres nothing I can say that can make you love yourself, and theres nothing I can do to make you stop self-destructing. Instead of focusing on all the hate that has lead you to despise and poison others and yourself, why not try loving yourself for once? You want to be maniacally consumed, irrational, and self-obsessed and thats fine. Just find a more productive way to express it. Theres enough poison in the world without you adding yourself to the formula.

(a ridiculous amount of white space)

(here for advertising dollars)

whatwhiteelephant@gmail.com

GET OUT YOUR CHECKBOOK

fucking

PLEASE?

Slain Brain

As you may have heard, the editorial staff has been trying to hock ad space in this fine publication. Its not been going well. Im not sure whether its the collective lack of experience in trying to convince businesses to part with their hard earned profit dollars, or whether persistence hasnt been maintained. At first the notion was thrilling. Businesses love catering to their target audience and over the past year this magazine has done a modestly good job of accruing a very diehard audience. So the premise seemed simple enough. Hey local businesses, we want your companies to thrive and reciprocally we want to print more issues each month expanding our reader base. The more people we can reach, the more people you can hock your wares and services to. It seems like a good win win to me. So we did research. We looked up other local print endeavors, checked out their ad space list prices and created a reasonable price sheet for ourselves. Step two, we started a campaign of introducing ourselves and our zine around town. And a first a couple of places seemed genuinely interested in what we were doing. We set up interviews, scheduled times to drop off more magazines and a more comprehensive media kit. We tried so diligently to whore ourselves with as much pride as we could possibly muster. Without any success at all, the editorial staff is now banging their heads against proverbial walls. One tattoo shop that shall remain nameless, suggested that we didnt have enough of a following for advertising with us to be worthwhile. Uh, really? Said tattoo shop owner then discov18 CONFESSIONALBOOTH

ered that we did local band interviews and immediately wanted us to schedule an interview with his band. Okay, so, uh, you want exposure, free exposure I might add, with our zine that youre not confident enough people will see to garner you the following youre so desperately seeking? I wanted to ask him if he was used to doing everything so half-assed. After that conversation/failed sales pitch had ended, we went a few doors down (we like loitering around town for no good reason) and for the next hour noticed no one coming into his strip mall tattoo shop. Yeah dude, you definitely dont want to spend money advertising to an 18-40 year old audience of which we reach roughly 600+ a month. No, wouldnt want that kind of target audience knowing about your services. So I feel really jaded now. I was going to playfully use my article this month to shamelessly plug insert business here that had bought ad space in this months issue throughout the whole article. As a matter of fact, I know the editorial staff was going to put a heavy emphasis on said business, giving them value for dollar, and metaphorically hitting our reading audience over the head with something bluntly heavy and consistently insisting they go spend their hard earned minimum wage dollars at previously mentioned insert business here place. The mood here at zine headquarters is dour. The editors are running out of motivation and ideas to print more copies by selling out only slightly, because whoring yourself to local businesses is supposed to be the lesser of two evils when selling out, right? I dont know what to do or how to help the editors out and I hate it.

(a small amount of white space) (buy an ad! cheaper then college and more fun than work!)
whatwhiteelephant@gmail.com

Wow. Haha. Ive never been called an Okay universe, how else do you wanna fuck me over today? Asshole. asshole by a piece of paper before. Eli, you dumbass, you dont even have I need to use the john and climb up Denver. The person or the city? a vagina.

I havent laughed like that since I was a I hate that fat man hands feeling in my cat. Youve never been a cat. So Ive stomach. never laughed like that before. Dear God, answer my prayers. In reI married a wolverine from France once. turn, I promise to start believing in you. He was nice. I wonder how hes doing. Dont hold me to that though. Amen.

I was put on hold and all I hear is Asian- Watching the Olympics is the most homoerotic thing Ive ever seen & I watch ness in the background. gay porn. There is a full table of New Jersey Guidos next to us. Your son looks like a gorilla.

A little bit of protein wont hurt!

Theres something strangely satisfying We danced all night. Yeah! How you fig- about breaking a baseball bat when hitting things around my house. ure that? Til 4 in the morning!

I dont wanna talk about pussy while Im Holy shit! Someone just accidentally put illicit narcotics in my brain... now I feel eating sushi. funny. Please leave her alone! I dont want muI just stood up and for whatever reason tant retard grandbabies. my immediate thought was, Oh my Paula Deen just made my nipples hard. god, I hope my penis doesnt fall of.

27

OVERHEARD

THINGS

Im going to start a post-apocalyptic fu- Instead of imagining strangers naked I ture new-wave classical folk band and now imagine them pooping. People are call it, Richard Nixon destroys every- funny. thing in the world! You can say whatever you want, she She has phenomenally low self esteem cant recognize facial features anymore. and you can thank the 50s for that. My first hockey game ends in blood... Shut up, or Ill fly a commerical airliner into your face. fucking awesome. You shut your whore mouth, bitch!
THINGSOVERHEARD 19

THEHATEISSUE WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT

Oh efficient doppelganger! Will you ride thine horse all the way home to your brothel & put thine lilliputian fun bags away?

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