Sassy advice and easy, tasty recipes with a generous dollop of humour and a drizzle of wickedness. We loved it.

The Agony Chef

Recipes and Advice for Lifes Pickles and Predicaments

Jeremy & Jacqui Mansfield, authors of Zhoozsh! and Zhoozsh! Faking It

Kate Sidley
Illustrated by Leigh Forrest
If a slightly drunk Dr Phil and a female Jamie Oliver had a baby, this book would be it.
Shubnum Khan, author of Onion Tears 5

SAY IT AGAIN, DEAR

Dear Delilah Ive come to dread our own dinner parties. My wife insists on telling the same stories over and over again. Theyre good stories and she tells them well, but my God! Weve been married 14 years! I dont think I can go another 14 hearing about the time she was an au pair in Spain and her employer leapt from her bedroom closet in a matador outfit, shouting Ol, ol. Really, I cant. How can I put a stop to it? Ben Id love to hear your wife tell me all about that, Ben; it sounds hilarious. Curiously, I had a not dissimilar experience myself, except he was wearing lederhosen and I was the one jumping out of the closet. But I digress I can see why you would prefer to be spared the twentieth rendition of this and other tales, but heres the big question is she boring other people with her stories, or only you? Because I have to say, Ben, that this is one of the many trials of marriage. You hear the same tales over and over again. Yes, you want to scream with boredom. Yes, you contemplate divorce or perhaps murder. But you gaze upon your beloved with a fascinated and amused air, for all the world as if this is the very first time youve heard that remarkable tale about when the 18-year-old Mark Zuckerberg asked your significant other to lend him $1 000 for a certain interesting programming opportunity: Can you imagine what Id be worth today? In return, when you tell your favourite story say, the one about when you met Mick Jagger in the loo at Cape Town airport and didnt recognise him until it was too late Even with

those lips, can you believe it? she will appear suitably enthralled and amazed. It is simply not possible for a person to generate a new stock of stories of the calibre of the matador-outfit-wearing-Spaniard at the rate required to entertain a spouse. I presume you are now in your forties. Your wife is probably helping a child with geography homework right now, not backpacking through the Amazon eating guinea pigs and hallucinogenic herbs in the company of a shaman. (A story that, sadly, space does not permit me to share with you here.) So, when your wife starts on an anecdote youve heard before, you can excuse yourself and slip out to make the dish below. It is an easy, hasslefree main course, but does require a little last-minute watching and slicing, giving you an opportunity for escape.

INGREDIENTS

ITALIAN STEAK
So heres what you do. You will have your own preferred method of cooking a large steak. For my money, you cant do better than rubbing it with olive oil and fresh thyme, and searing it quickly on the braai so that it is deliciously browned on the outside, with the middle a few clicks this side of something Lady Gaga might wear. Allow your steak to sit for five minutes while you arrange well, not so much arrange as toss the rocket leaves on a large platter. Slice the steak thinly and arrange (again with the arranging ) the steak slices on the bed of rocket. Next, shave Parmesan all over, together with some Maldon salt, black pepper and very good olive oil. A final squeeze of lemon makes for perfection. By this time, your wife should have finished her tale.

a large rump olive oil sprig of thyme sufficient rocket to cover an appropriately large platter big wedge of Parmesan cheese Maldon salt black pepper olive oil 1 lemon

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the perfect party 109

ABOUT FACE
INGREDIENTS

SALMON WITH CITRUS SALSA

Mix up the ingredients for the marinade, pour over the salmon and leave for an hour. Heat the oven to 180 C. Place the salmon on an oiled baking tray, baste it with any remaining marinade and put it in the oven. Check it after 10 minutes. Yes, it really is that quick if you like it rare in the middle as I do. You may want to stick it back in for another 5 minutes, but dont overdo it. Mix all the salsa ingredients together and divide it onto four plates, retaining any remaining juice. Place the salmon on top of the salsa and drizzle the remaining juice over the top. Serve with fresh asparagus and simple boiled potatoes with chopped mint and a little butter.

an appropriately sized piece of salmon

Dear Delilah My friend Sally is coming for lunch for the first time since her facelift (Im having my girlfriends round for a summery Saturday lunch). She didnt specifically tell me she was having the op, although it is pretty much an open secret and shes known to be surgery-happy. What is the preferred etiquette in this situation? Do I acknowledge the new face? Ask about the op? Or simply skip the whole thing? Harriet My best advice, Harriet, is to go for something generic such as, You look great. Certainly, dont broach the subject if there are other people around and do try not to peer behind her ears looking for staples and scars. Shell give you the details if she wants to. If she does, and she looks good, try to find out who did it, just in case. A good plastic surgeon is hard to find. A successful facelift is one that makes the wearer look as if shes been on a long and restful holiday, perhaps with a young and vigorous lover (not so vigorous or inventive as to leave her wide-eyed with astonishment). Theres a well-known socialite around town who has been so thoroughly lifted that her face appears to have been donated by a younger, tauter woman. I always wonder if there is, in some dusty village somewhere, a lithe young woman with the wrinkled visage of a sundamaged old lady. My point, digressions aside, is that the newly lifted does not want to hear, Oh my God, what a brilliant facelift, I barely recognised you! Incidentally, if you are having the ladies round for lunch, try this delicious salmon. It is low-fat, and it doesnt require too much gnawing and chewing, which might exacerbate any tenderness Sally may be experiencing around the jaw area. The salmon is grilled and served on top of a salsa/salad. Couldnt be easier or more delicious.

for the marinade No need to measure, but roughly: 1 Tbs olive oil 1 Tbs ginger, grated 1 Tbs soya sauce 1 tsp honey 1 Tbs lemon juice for the salsa cup cucumber, diced cup red onion, finely chopped cup red pepper, diced cup yellow pepper, diced fresh chilli, finely chopped, to taste handful of coriander, chopped juice and zest of 1 2 limes 1 clove garlic, finely chopped ginger, finely chopped salt and pepper to taste

her face appears to have been donated by a younger, tauter woman.

BURNING CALORIES
Dear Delilah Ive heard there are foods that actually burn lots of calories. What are they? Jacqui The best way to burn lots of calories, Jacqui, is to set a doughnut on fire.

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feeling better 123