A Spiritual Autobiography

- Edwin Thadheu SJ Born Entry SJ Ordination Missioned to Guyana : 03 Feb 1972 (in certificate 02 June 1972) : 19 June 1994 : 13 Oct 2007 : 17 June 2009

I. Life in the Society of Jesus Call

I have been asking myself umpteen times the question, "When did my vocation story start?. And for 17 years since I entered my novitiate, my attempts at pinpointing the exact time and date of "My Call" have been futile. Obviously there was no dramatic call-al la St. Paul! I would reckon my call like that of Moses is rather a 'process'. Having been born in a traditional Catholic family, our life centred round our parish church. Altar Service, Church Choir, Catechism, Piety groups etc. became mandatory for us to be a member. There was not much of an option. When I was 11 years old, I was placed in a Jesuit school under the care of strict Jesuits who painfully for both moulded me into a fine man. It cant be denied that the Jesuits imparted certain values in my life. But by the time I became 16, I refused to be in the vicinity of Jesuits and so I was transferred to a private school closer home. There I enjoyed freedom to but not freedom for and I failed to realize my goals. After that negative phase in life, I agreed to join again a Jesuit university. I recall standing before the grotto on my first day of college praying to Our Lady to set my life in order, give me discipline and strength to do my studies well. And if I came out with flying colours, I promised to become a priest. And of course, I did come out with flying colours at the end of my under graduation. But I changed my mind when I topped the college and sought admission to masters programme. By then, I had no intention of joining priesthood, and had also developed an aversion for priesthood. Before joining my post graduation, once again I was at the same grotto to thank God. It was at that time I experienced a prick of conscience for not keeping my promise. With that guilty conscience, I approached the Jesuits living just behind the grotto. Though they found my reasons not quite sound, they asked me to do a year of pre-novitiate where I realized my call and responded to it. The Call I realized then, was to serve God by serving the poor and still the same call predominantly leads me when I attempt to carry out my mission. What later in my Jesuit formation really deepened my call was the immersion experience I had with a Dalit ( a thrice ostracised social group) community. The closer I came to these poor Dalits, stronger was my feeling to dedicate my life to serve the forlorn and the neglected. Another part of me attracted me to the people who crusaded against the exploitation of natural resources and the degradation of the environment. In the course of my formation as I was exposed to the decrees of our congregation and learnt to operationalize my vows I saw me the twin goals of uplifting the downtrodden and working to damage prevention, damage correction and damage control can really go hand in hand. My meaning in life and the greatest joy stems from living out the vows. My religious commitment is strengthened by 'a sense of being wanted'. The vows energise me and impel me in doing the best for the least for God's glory. During the different stages of my formation I have grappled with the conceptual and the operational aspects of the vows I willingly pronounced at the end of my Novitiate. Like possibly Our Ladys Fiat my first pronouncing of my vows had packed more than I was able to perceive then an awful daring of a moments surrender had unfolded many hidden dimensions that constantly needed a rededication and reaffirmation. The understanding I had when I pronounced these vows is vastly different from the way I understand them today. In spite of the changed perception, all the three vows continue to pose a personal challenge to me. What really helps me to deepen my living of these vows is 'my prayer life' and may be 'my humble submission of all my 1

weaknesses to God through Our Lady'. At this juncture in my life as a Jesuit, I feel that 'protecting God's creation' is the call within my Call. I deem eco-spirituality and environmental research as the areas I am called to work for.

Community
Coming to community life, I cannot with St. Berchmans say it is my greatest penance. Being born in a large family of 5 brothers and two sisters I think I have always been in a community! For me community is an extension of the nurturing family I was born in. We grew up fighting, laughing with and at each other; sharing the works, praying together, responding to parents commands and siblings' demands. So it was not that difficult for me to adjust to community life. All through my formation, I had been invited to the leadership ministry to serve my companions as beadle. Through serving I learnt to be a communitarian. I always look forward to the prolonged supper when we would laugh, confront and tease one another and share our experiences and feelings of the day. To put it in nutshell, good community is a real joy. For me community is that which listens to me and comes to my aid when I am in trouble. And one in turn, to which I listen and extend my helping hand. The greatest advantage of living a community life is sharing ideas and apostolic works. The sum of the parts has always been greater than the whole. The distraction of community life is paradoxically the mission itself. The apostolic works demand our presence at the site preventing our participation in the community exercises and table fellowship. The disadvantage of being in a small community (of 2 or 3) engaged in different apostolates is coming together. In big communities, substitution is always possible but in small communities the absence of a member is easily noticed and creates a vacuum. At its worst, community life becomes just a formality, talking about weather and politics and gossiping at times about people. And at its best, it becomes very personal, sharing MY feelings and works as I used to share with my brothers and sisters. Much depends on the maturity of the members and the bonding that exists.

Apostolic Work
For the past three years I had been privileged to be exposed to a variety of apostolic works, as diverse as the animals in Noahs Ark! from being a Parish Priest, Vocations Director, Youth coordinator, teacher at the university, marriage counsellor, retreat preacher all in one. The greatest challenge to my apostolic work is 'prioritizing the works'. Moreover, struggle between meeting 'the needs of the people and demands of the society' seems to be another area of concern. Yet another challenge I am faced with is fear of stepping on others toes - the lack of courage to call a spade, a spade. Amidst the challenges I face, what keeps me going is the return of love from the people. What fuels my commitment is the consolation of being wanted' and appreciated. Fulfillment is the third word that propels me forward even when the demands are great. As St. Augustine said. Where there is love, there is no pain and should there be pain, the pain itself comes to be loved. What I enjoy most in my apostolic work is 'the service'. Whether it is parish or classroom, orphanage or geriatrics home, I would like to do better than my best and a smiling face after receiving my service is all the reward I seek. I would call it a smile of Christ. To wipe away the tears form others eyes and bring a momentary smile is something I look forward to be able to do. When it comes to achievement I don't think I have much to crow about! There is nothing stupendous that the world (or the Society) would not willingly forget! However, there have been poor things, sir, yet mine own. Thinking out of box, reaching the unreached and responding to the unexpressed needs in short, the spirit of Magis you might say, inspired my approaches. I was successful in collaborating with the local clergy as a senate member, liaising between the individuals and groups fractured by differences, helping to expand the frontiers of our mission as a regional consultor, and on the material side, bringing out a website for the diocese, initiating a project of audio recording all 425 hymns of the catholic hymnal (though I have no idea of music), starting two week-day 2

missions in non-Catholic Amerindian villages. Getting the learners like the subjects I teach is another contribution I am happy about. One of the fulfilling contributions I can think of with pardonable pride is the "Eco-retreat" given to various groups. It was a marvellous experience to the world charged with the Grandeur of God and experience the sound of silence in the tropical forests. My dreams have with me. At this juncture responding to the need of the hour and the call of the Church and the Society I wish to dedicate myself to research and action in the area of environmental concerns. The action includes conscientizing people through eco-retreats and workshops, working out a scientific approach to stem the degradation of Nature and even attempt it reconstruction. The finer details and the action plan needs still to be worked out possibly during my tertianship and presented to my superiors for approval. I endeavour to encounter Christ while celebrating every Sacrament. That is the time of grace and blessing for me. Eco retreat is the one I really enjoy conducting and I see the smile of God in the pigmented waters, the smell of the verdant rainforest, the colours of the rainbow and the loud silence of the brooks. Greening the young minds is a preamble to greening the world. I would enjoy a professional role in educating young minds of the environmental values. I wish to be university teacher shaping and affecting decision makers a modern mode of the preaching Christ, and I consider it a noble service, imparting Christian values.

II. Prayer
I attempt to faithfully carry out both formal and informal prayers. The formal prayers include a half an hour meditation in the morning, praying over the daily readings, examination of conscience, rosary, and community prayers. The informal prayers include a sort of conversation with Jesus and Mary while driving, for example. Other than a couple of 8 days retreats, I haven't preached many retreats on spiritual exercises. One cannot give a retreat without retaining something of it. Each time I make or preach an Ignatian retreat a "deep sense of ownership" is what charms me. Every year, when I make my retreat I try to base it on the Spiritual Exercises. The recent genre of Eco-retreat has an Ignatian slant. After all one cannot skip out of ones skin. I have been having a PERMANANT spiritual guide for about 13 years now. And now a-days, I continue to receive my spiritual guidance over skype. I was giving spiritual direction in a diocesan seminary for two years before I came to Guyana. Right now, I offer spiritual guidance to a few families since I am part of Marriage Encounter programme. To describe the experience I would use the phrase "mutually enriching spiritual journey". One needs to equip oneself for no one gives what one doesnt have.

III. A Fire that Lights Other Fires

My initial understanding of the Society of Jesus is that it was an elite organization with a bunch of powerful intellectuals running hugely successful institutions. Today I realize we are a group of sinners yet called to excellence, an array of intellectuals exhibiting unity in diversity 'working for Justice through Faith'. I do not pretend to have understood this magnificent group that has remained faithful to its charism, though constantly reading the signs of the time and reengineering itself, resisting being split (like many religious groups unfortunately have) been in the vanguard of things for centuries, a force to reckon with. We as Jesuits stand out in the larger society and stand up for a cause. I am proud to introduce myself as a Jesuit. Even today the fall in vocations does not seem to deter this group from venturing into new areas, expanding the horizon and reaching out to frontier apostolates. What encourages me is 3

the constant introspection and setting goals in the society and the individual Freedom given in the diverse ministry. The flip side is the prevalence of mediocrity and apathy in some Jesuits and the disturbing deviance which discourage me at times. I deal with the tension between inspiration and distraction through prayer, introspection, discernment and consultation. What I ask of God is serenity and strength to carry out the mission entrusted to me by the Society to the best of my ability and for the glory of God.

IV. Some Input for the Tertian Program

Firstly, I want to deepen my Christ Experience through this tertian programme. Secondly, I wish to learn the art of guiding myself first and others through deep spiritual experience. Id like to drink deep from the Spiritual Experience, especially the aspects of discernment and being contemplatives in action. I wish to see how I can present the Exercises to the modern generation and evolve a living spirituality that is more than the routinized and ritual partyers in the public mode. I hope there are opportunities for me to hone the Eco-retreat I can take back to my mission station.

My preferred learning method is a combination of lectures, seminars, projects, reading and research, group projects. I enjoy the complementarity and enrichment when working in a group. I gain a lot through Group projects and seminars. However, there are aspects that need to be done alone. At times, I search for God through search engines. So internet and electronic media are inevitable in the process of learning.
The lacuna I have in my understanding of the Society is the concept and observance of poverty. It could be addressed during the programme. Ideas or hopes I have for your tertianship experiment Mother Theresa had said The greatest poverty is the poverty of love. The most painful thing in

ones life is the awful feeling of "not being wanted". The most unwanted in the society are the old people in geriatrics homes. So reaching to the unreached, providing the best for the least, working with the aged, the sick and the house bound. I wish to get opportunities during my tertianship to deepen my commitment and concerns in these areas. It is my dream to develop 'green spirituality' which would make people tender towards mother nature. So the other experience I would think of is the continuation of 'Eco-retreat for different age groups'. In fine, I come to tertianship with a lot of hope and longing. It is the last stage in the formation and an opportunity to come apart and rest a while. I hope to bring back a lot of energy, clarity, novelty and spirituality that could energise my life in the service of the missions.

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