AMERICA POISED FOR DISASTER WORSE THAN GREAT DEPRESSION HURRICANES KATRINA AND SANDY TOGETHER

by John Robertson

Pufngton Post: America is set to experience a disaster unlike any other in its recent history. GOP pundits are claiming a conspiracy by president elect Obama. With the closure of the Hostess Company he is literally plotting to kill off loyal Americans claims Arkansas senator Bubba Jo Johnson. "People are going to die and this administration dotn't care". White House representatives categorically deny any involvement in the demise of the famous food manufacturer. As a matter of fact FEMA is planning ahead to educate the masses in the hopes of averting potential starvation. We suspect it will takes months to educate people and some may not be able to accept more nutritious snacks. Mrs Ida Bell Baker of the Southern Christian Mothers Association (SCMA) claims that foods containing whole grains, soy or actual fruits and vegetables are weapons the liberals are using to turn their children gay. "Before you know it our kids will be like those crazy heathens in California drinking soy lattes and acting all gay, this is Satan's work!". Mrs Baker goes on to say that the SCMA has hundreds of women who are professional qponners who are building stockpiles of Hostess products to give their members and families a ghting chance against the forthcoming shortage. "It's going to be pandemonium but we will be ready, our babies will not eat themselves into a liberal gayness against Christ our savior". "We are praying for a solution to this crisis and we are thankful for the Westboro Baptist Church's guidance during these dark times".

Bob Gorzinski of St-Lawrence county NY has had enough. Mr Gorzinski says if he has to he will leave the USA. "I found out that there's this foreign country on the other side of this bridge". You mean Canada sir? "We'll I thought it was Mexico you know, but turns out that's only down by Texas n' Arizona, so yeah we'll go to Kenada if we gots to". "We're gonna be some careful though, a friend of mine went up there once to hunt and he says their bread is brown and gots oats or somethin' in there, I mean what hell is that all about?" (Sploit) as Mr Gorzinski spits out his wad of chewing tobacco, on the reporter's shoe.

In Mexicali Mexico an informant said that smugglers are ready to take advantage of this situation. When the Americans fall into their daze from the lack of Twinkies and Ho-Hos we will just drive people across the border by the bus load. "We have stock piled Twinkies to use as bait in strategic locations to lure agents away from our border crossings". Meanwhile Canada is expecting an increase of immigrant applicants from the USA. Canadian Border Services agent Jock LaStrap says they will force applicants to watch educational videos explaining Canada's liberal views and foster the understanding that Canadian Junk food contains 40% less sugar than the American products they crave. "We tinks dat' many Amricain dey don't want to come if dey know dat".

Scientists believe that unless the population adapts that many are going to fall into a zombie like state and wonder aimlessly in search of their beloved Twinkies. These are staples for many in the lower income areas of America. Twinkies, Wonder Bread and Dolly Maddisons "what are these people going to eat?" asks Senator Johnson. When reporters asked about improving the people's diets the Senator looked puzzled and abruptly called off the press conference. Scientist Bill NyYouhavetobekiddingme is afraid that many will simply starve to death. His research has shown that many in a test area in the southern states have never eaten vegetables or fruit. "Even just getting folks to drink something other than soda pop for breakfast was futile". "Frankly I've had better results with rats".

The Richard Darwin Foundation (RDF) and the Center for Inquiring Minds (CFIM) have issued statements that this event is simply natural selection. Both believe that this will elevate the national intelligence quotient and ultimately lead America to major economic and scientic recovery. President Obama could not be reached for comment as he was hosting a breakfast with astrophysicist Neil Degreat Tyson. One of his staffers was overheard saying that the president thought these events to be hilarious. Well no matter which side of the fence you are on it remains certain that the next few months will reshape the American landscape.