Ten Ways to Renew Your Marriage

By Brian Tubbs

LEGAL NOTICE
While I believe the information contained in this ebook can help improve your marriage, I need to make the following clear If you are the victim of what you perceive to be abusive behavior, please utilize your local phone directory and the Internet for crisis centers, abuse hotlines, etc. You should also consider contacting local law enforcement. This ebook is not intended as advice to individuals living in an abusive environment. If you are the victim of abuse, you need to get help. This publication contains the opinions and ideas of the author. At the time of this writing, the author is serving as the pastor of a local church in Maryland. This publication does not necessarily reflect the views of that organization and is, in no way, connected with that organization. This is solely the work of the author. This ebook is intended for informational purposes only. No ebook (or regular book) is a substitute for individualized and professional marriage intervention. I recommend you consult with your primary care physician regarding any issues related to health, anxiety, depression, etc. and with a professional marriage counselor on any matters dealing with your relationship. While attempts have been made to verify information provided in this publication, neither the author nor the publisher assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, interpretation, contradictory information or usage of the subject matter herein. This information is not intended as legal, investment, accounting, medical or psychiatric advice. If advice concerning medicine, psychiatry, tax, legal or related matters is needed, the services of a qualified professional should be sought. Any slights of people or organizations are unintentional. The author and publisher shall in no event be held liable for any loss or other damages incurred from the usage of this publication. Included in this e-e-book are links, suggestions, recommendations, etc. concerning products and services. These are provided as information, and the author assumes no personal or legal responsibility should you decide to pursue information accordingly. The author hereby discloses that, in some cases, an affiliate bonus or commission may be paid to the author, should you choose to take advantage of said services or products. Any unauthorized use, sharing, reproduction, or distribution is strictly prohibited without the prior written permission of the Author or the Publisher.

INTRODUCTION

Several years ago, my wife insisted on having a conversation. I was too busy to want to listen. I expressed frustration with her for taking up my time, as I quickly headed for the door. I knew she was unhappy, but blamed her for most of that unhappiness. Thus, I wasnt interested in another sad conversation that would, in my mind, go nowhere. In my mind, problems and challenges needed to be confronted and solved. If not solved, at least managed. I didnt like dwelling on problems in repetitive conversations, which only served to frustrate and discourage me more. But on this day, I was about to learn a big lesson! Jane alluded to the D word. She said: Brian, you dont know where my thoughts are going with this marriage. I knew immediately what she meant, and I stopped dead in my tracks! For the first time in our marriage, my wife was apparently considering separation or divorce! That was the wake up call I needed! Scared that I might lose the thing I valued the most, I stopped and I re-focused my attention. Id like to say that everything was great from that point forward. It was not. But it was a turning point. From that point forward, I recognized the need to INVEST in my marriage. A successful marriage takes WORK. It does not come about naturally. In our first few years of marriage, I didnt understand this. I thought that, when two people love each other, they enjoy being together and their love would naturally deepen over time. Sure, there would be problems. But love conquers all! Right? I thought the romance, sex, and all that might ebb and flow a little bit. And, sure thered be seasons of difficulty. But overall, we would fall deeper in love as time wore on. Marriage would be enjoyable and richly rewarding.

That was my vision and expectation when I said I Do, and I remember getting increasingly frustrated as the years went by that this wasnt coming to pass. Why was it so hard? Why did marriage take so much work? It shouldnt be this tough! Eventually, I came to realize two important truths in marriage: 1. You get out of marriage what you put into it! 2. Since you and I are both inherently self-centered, youve got to put A LOT into it, since the natural course of marriage is for it to get worse over time. I realize that may sound depressing, and some of you may not even agree with me. But, if you cant trust me, then trust the Bible. You know the Bible, right? According to the Bible, we are all self-centered sinners. We are all corrupt and we thus corrupt everything we touch. This is why churches have problems. Churches are full of sinners. Every church member is, in fact, a sinner. And its why families have problems. Families are made up of sinners. And with a marriage, youve got one sinner married to another sinner and the two living with each other under one roof with the prospect of doing so for the rest of their lives! Having grown up in a church, I knew (intellectually) that I was a sinner, but I had to let that knowledge burrow itself deep into my psyche. I had to fully and completely acknowledge that and see that! I realized I was a selfish sinner. And THAT was the main reason I had marriage problems! It didnt do any good to point fingers at my wife. Sure, she was a sinner. And, sure, she was at fault on many things. But what good would it do if she were 100% perfect!? I would still be a sinner, and therefore I would still be bringing problems and corruption into our marriage!

I needed to work on myself first! I needed, as Jesus said, to get the beam out of my eye before I worry about the speck in someone elses in this case, my wifes. Im pleased to report that, even though Jane and I still struggle at times, we have a solid marriage! I am married to a woman who is truly my soul mate and very best friend in the whole universe! Theres no one who knows me better and no one I trust more! You too can lay that solid foundation once again in YOUR marriage, and this ebook will help show you how. And with that foundation laid, you can once again see the sparks fly (the good ones!) and renew your marriage!

#1) Cast the Vision

Theres a famous biblical proverb that says: Where there is no vision, the people perish. And it was God who told the prophet Habakkuk to write down the vision and make it plain. Without a clear vision of where you want your marriage, its going to be very difficult to get there! The great motivational author and speaker Zig Ziglar says there are two kinds of people in life wandering generalities and meaningful specifics. Virtually all those marriages in the unhappy category are because one or (more likely) both partners are wandering generalities. Its time to be specific. Its time to cast the vision! So, heres what I want you to do a) Pray and ask God for wisdom, peace, patience, and courage these next few months as you work toward improving your marriage. And ask Him to lay His vision for your marriage on your heart. b) While keeping in an attitude and habit of daily prayer, start developing a montage of pictures in your mind of where you want your marriage to be a year from now! Picture yourself having the romance, sex, trust, intimacy, financial security, and love that you want! And picture having it all and enjoying it all WITH your spouse! Its critical that you start associating POSITIVE images, feelings, etc. WITH your spouse! c) Bring all the above together into ONE clear image something that represents all the images from the previous step. Something like this

Consider what the above image represents Youthfulness (you dont have to be physically young to recapture at least SOME of the feelings and promise of youthfulness) Romance Physical Attraction Regret-free / Guilt-free Intimacy Can this image (or something like it) encapsulate what you want to bring into your marriage? It may sound like Im getting all New Age-y here with you. Just so you know, Im not. Youre reading a guy who is a wee-bit skeptical about a lot of that Law of Attraction stuff out there. But, SOME of whats been said in the Law of Attraction literature is biblically-based. And some of it is common sense. Take the American flag. Why do some people get teary-eyed, while others are enraged, at the sight of the Stars and Stripes? Its because different people, from different parts of the world, have associated different memories, feelings, experiences, ideals, etc. with the flag. And guess what? Thats why we have flags! Flags are meant to be symbolic. Im asking you to have something like a flag for your marriage. Something that symbolizes the visionary idealism of how you want your marriage to soar! You need that vision and you need to burn it into your brain! And keep it in front of you every day of the year!

#2) Renew Your Love For Your Spouse

Is love a feeling? If you answered yes, then youve just hit on one of the reasons why your marriage is struggling. Why would Jesus say that the greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength if love was a feeling? Love is NOT a feeling, contrary to what Hollywood and/or the latest love song insinuates. Love is a decision. Its a commitment. Its an investment. Love is a decision to commit yourself to invest your time, attention, affection, priorities, and allegiance in another person. Youve just read the most important paragraph of this entire report! So, go back and read it again. And again. And again. We throw the word love around way too casually these days. Its time to stop seeing love as the presence of feelings or excitement, and to start seeing it as the serious investment and commitment that its supposed to be! Wait a minute! you protest. Arent there feelings involved? Answer: YES!! But the feelings should FOLLOW your decisions. They should be the result of your decisions. Not the other way around. Somake a decision! A commitment! LOVE YOUR SPOUSEagain. Its at this point that people usually buck up with one of two responses: I dont feel any love toward him/her or But I do love him/her. In either case, the answer usually reveals a lack of understanding about love. The Bible tells us that God loves us, and that love is associated with GIVING, namely the giving of His Son, Jesus.

So, you may THINK you love your spouse. What you really mean is that youve made a commitment to stay married to him/her. And that you dont want anything bad to happen to him/her and that youre there and available, etc., etc. NOT GOOD ENOUGH! If you truly love your spouse, youll SHOW it by GIVING! Youll give your time, affections, allegiance, priorities, etc. And you wont stop giving, because you wont stop loving. What about the other response? What about those who say: But I dont feel anything. Now, we come to the root of the problem with many marriages today. Its time to stop running your marriage on feelings! When you got married, you made a commitment! That commitment means more than an agreement to be a lifelong roommate! You committed to loving and holding onto your mate for the rest of your life! So, follow through with what you said! Follow through! Take responsibility for your marriage and be a man and woman of your word! Do your duty! You may not feel like holding your wifes hand. Do it anyway! You may not feel like kissing your husband. Sorry! Do it anyway! The more you hold hands, kiss, hug, put your arm around your mate, etc. the more the feelings will come. The feelings will follow your decisions. It may take some time, but it will happen. Renew your love for your spouse by DECIDING to love him or her all over again. Dont make this decision based on feelings. Instead, make the decision and let the feelings follow that decision.

#3) Make Your Love Unconditional

Once youve decided to make your love new again, its time to deepen that love even more. Make it an unconditional love! This is where most people get off the train. This is where most people either pay lip service to the notion of unconditional love or they throw up their hands and say No way! Unconditional love means that you will love your husband or wife, NO MATTER WHAT you receive (or dont receive) in return. ***Disclaimer: As stated at the very beginning of this report, if you are the victim of abuse, get out of the house and get help! Get in touch with a crisis shelter, an abuse hotline, and/or local law enforcement. Get help. Even though you should (as the Bible teaches) love even your enemies, you dont have to LIVE with them. You shouldnt expose yourself or your children to danger. When you unconditionally love, you surrender all demands that the other party will return favors or respond in kind. Husbands....practice this by offering to do something for your wife and do not ask for, demand, or even accept anything in return. Just give. Buy her flowers, jewelry, a spa day, whateveror take her to her favorite restaurantor (better yet) rub her feet, do the dishes, clean the house, whatever. You know what would make her feel most special. Do that, and ask for NOTHING in return! Nothing! Wivesit works the same for you. Do something really nice for your husband. When he asks why, just say its because you love him. Get in the habit of doing this in small ways (smiles, compliments, household chores) and bigger ways (presents, big surprises, etc.). Give and have no expectation or even desire to receive. Make this your attitude overalldecide to LOVE your spouse, even if you dont get the same degree of love in return. Love unconditionally.

#4) Forgive Your Spouse

This is a tough one, but it goes hand-in-hand with the above points. You must FORGIVE your spouse for past hurts, offenses, and wrongdoing. ***If youre the victim of abuse, you can and should forgive your spouse, but that doesnt mean you should remain in a dangerous or abusive situation. Get out and get help. Consult with local law enforcement, a crisis hotline or shelter. Get help. Some wounds run deep. I understand that. But Jesus said we are to love our enemies. And he forgave those who crucified him! Carrying around anger and bitterness will only hurt you. Forgiveness sometimes takes time. Its not a light switch thing. But you must decide to forgive and go through the process of forgiveness. If that includes counseling, so be it. Theres no shame in admitting that you need help to deal with something. Some hurts are deep, and they take time and/or professional assistance. But, begin the journey toward forgiveness. Dont go through life holding onto grudges. Let go of the pain. Forgive.

#5) Date Night: Fireproof & Dinner

Get a babysitter for the kids, if needed and if possible. If not possible, wait until they go to bed and, on this night, ask them to go to bed early. Heres your agendayou (whichever spouse is reading this ebook) are going to rent the movie Fireproof (starring Kirk Cameron and made by Sherwood Pictures) from your local Blockbuster or video rental store. Orif need beyou can buy it at your local Christian bookstore. As of this writing, I think Wal Mart also carries it. Youre going to rent (or buy) Fireproof, and then youre going to make (or order) dinner. Its going to be a date night. Tell your spouse youve got dinner and a movie planned, and ask him or her to be home on time. Set a reasonable time maybe 8pm for the festivities to begin. Tell them that you heard the movie was really good. Be honest with them. Tell them it deals with marriage, but.if your spouse is the type that doesnt want to talk about your marriage problems or gets really uncomfortable.tell him/her: Listenlets just watch the movie. We dont have to talk about it right away. Lets just watch it while we eat dinner. And then enjoy the evening together. A no-pressure date night. If your spouse is not in the mood for anything intimate, dont pressure that either. Keep it low key. No pressure. But do everything you canwithin the bounds of reason and politeness, of courseto get the two of you in front of the TV and watching Fireproof. If both of you watch the movie and do so with an open mind the movie is good enough to change your attitudes about marriage forever!

#6) Practice Positive Talk!

If youre a whiner, complainer, nit-picker, screamer, etc., then this may be tough for you. But here we go.NO MORE NEGATIVE TALK! Start a habit of talking positively! But dont just fake it (although you may have to fake it at first). Be positive! The Apostle Paul told the church in Ephesus to stay away from corrupt communication. In fact, he said to let none of it even come out of your mouth! Instead, we are to speak in ways that will encourage, build up, and show grace to others. Your goal in communication (at home, at work, in the community) needs to become: I want to help others! Decide to bless others through your words. Give sincere (not fake) compliments and praise. Build others up. Help them. What if you need to be critical? If thats the casedo so lovingly and with the goal of improving and helping the person. Dont tear him or her down. This meansNo yelling/screaming at people. No putting people down.telling them that theyre no good or that theyre stupid or that theyre always causing problems. No cursing. No name-calling. No gossip. Put all negative and destructive talk in your past. Put it behind you! Become a positive person who blesses and encourages others, especially your mate. Watch your life and home change!

#7) Start Going for Walks -- Preferably Together!

Tell your spouse that you want to start exercising to either lose weight, keep weight off, improve your heart health, or just enjoy the fresh air! Whatever your situation, tell your spouse that you want to start walking. (If youre unable to walk, then substitute another exercise or activity). And tell him or her that you want to do this TOGETHER. Doing a positive, constructive activity together will help your relationship. If you feel that your spouse needs to get healthier, lose weight, etc., then this could have the added benefit of helping BOTH of you get in better shape. A word of caution, thoughdont tell your spouse that you want him or her to walk with you, because he/she needs to lose weight. That will probably not go over well. In fact, itll probably backfire. Do not criticize your spouse! And that meansif your spouse DECLINES to walk with you.do not turn this into a criticism thing or gripe session. Just graciously accept their refusal. Then, do the walks YOURSELF. And while you walk, use the time to pray. Get an ipod and listen to the Bible or to relaxing music while you walk. Even if your spouse doesnt join you, it can still be a great time for you. And, who knows? If you stick with it, maybe eventually, your husband and wife will start walking too!

#8) Start Reading Books on Relationships & Marriage

Professional salespeople, corporate leaders, athletes, etc. are constantly reading to help develop their skills and advance their careers. Theres an old saying: Leaders are readers. And its true! If business executives read books on time management, leadership, communication skills, marketing, etc. (and, believe me, they do!), then dont you think YOU should read some literature on marriage!? Stop treating your marriage as a passive thing, and stop giving it the leftovers. Make it a priority to learn new relationship skills and improve your marriage. Some suggestions Save Your Christian Marriage by Lee Baucom (which you can order by visiting http://www.savemychristianmarriage.net) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman The Ten-Second Kiss by Ellen Kriedman Building Your Mates Self Esteem by Dennis & Barbara Rainey Make it a goal to read one marriage-related book AT LEAST once every 6-8 weeks. If youre a working professional or student, then intersperse your other reading into your schedule as needed. But make sure to read a book on marriage at least every couple months! Of course, the most important book to read is the one you should be reading from every day: the Bible. Make the Bible a daily habit. You could also consider attending a marriage (or parenting) weekend retreat put on by Family Life Ministries. Jane and I have been to a couple, and they are excellent.

#9) Practice the Brain Flush

This takes work, practice, and patience. I will warn you now, that this is NOT easy, but the benefits make it well worthwhile. Heres the concept Get to a quiet place. A place where you will have no distractions. Empty your mind as best you can. Clear away all distractions. If youre the worrier type person and have a lot on your mind, then write down all your thoughts on a piece of paper including all your to-do items and all the things causing you stress. Once they are on paper, you can then tell your brain (convincingly) that youve written down what you need to remember and take care of so now it (your brain) can let itself relax! Okay, after youve cleared your mind, its time to prepare the Flush! Start thinking of everything that makes you happy God, your kids, happy memories, favorite music, favorite vacation spots, best restaurants, your favorite team winning, everything! Allow all those positive thoughts to flood through your mind and let your feelings soar! Let yourself go. The more you do this, the more it will work. What youre doing is consciously emptying (and freeing) your mind of all that might stress, depress, or concern you and filling it with all that makes you happy! You need to practice this until it really, really works! It sometimes takes weeks or months to get this down. Now, heres the beauty of it. You know how sports teams practice and practice and practice, so theyre ready for Game Day. Game Day (for you) is when you get into a bad argument with your spouse or your marriage hits a crisis. When that happens, its time to do a brain dump and a brain flush! Trust mewith practice and timeit works!

#10) Pray Without Ceasing

Ive saved the best for last. Arguably the most important part of this whole renewal process is to renew your mind in your relationship with God. Paul tells us in Romans 12 to daily renew our minds. You need to renew your faith and relationship with God in prayer each and every day. Andyou need to ask God to give you grace, peace, wisdom, and courage to have the marriage He wants you to have. Heres something you can take to the bank GOD WANTS YOU TO HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE! Do you believe that? Its true. Gods Word is clear that He created marriage and hates divorce. And Hes clear that He wants us to be happy and abundant. Hes rooting for you. He wants you to have a great, terrific marriage! He wants you to have a loving, romantic, and intimate marriage too. You might be thinking.that God isnt too keen on the sex thing or that Christianity has a problem with sex. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Guess who created sex! Go on. Ill give you three guesses. Hopefully, you got it! GOD CREATED SEX! And why did He do that???? Obviously, to carry on the human race, but also.So that husbands and wives might ENJOY themselves in marriage. The book of Hebrews, for example, condemns fornication (sex outside of marriage) but says that sex in marriage is honorable and the marriage bed is undefiled.

God wants husbands and wives to have enjoyable sex, romance, and intimacy with each other. If that feels awkward, it shouldnt! You obviously need to read the Bible. I suggest the Song of Solomon. God wants your marriage to not only be full of wonderful sex and romance, but also full of laughter and good times! GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY! Does this mean that God will make everything perfect in your life? NO. Does this mean that God will take away all your challenges and troubles? NO. Does this mean that God will solve all your marital fights for you? NO. Does this mean that youll be exempt from all the suffering that bad people endure? NO. We live in a sinful, fallen, and corrupt world one thats been cursed (see Genesis and Romans). Paul says that the earth groans. Thats why we have disease, natural disasters, etc. Whats more, we live in a world full of sinners. And sinning people HURT other sinning people. Thats the way things are! In the midst of this fallen world, we (including we as Christians) WILL suffer at times. We will have to deal, at times, with bad situations, health problems, death, etc. But that doesnt mean God is absent or that He doesnt care. He wants to be there for you in this life, and do what He can to give you the enjoyment that He can. But you have to do your part! And the really good news is that Hes prepared an even BETTER place for His people. For Gods people, the ultimate reward is not a better life on this earth, but rather eternity with God in heaven! So, Im asking you to make PRAYER (communication with God) a regular part of your life. Pray without ceasing. Pray, pray, and pray some more.

CONCLUSION

I hope this ebook has encouraged you. But now the time for action has come. Dont just read this ebook and then let it collect dust on your computer hard drive. Take action. Start implementing the steps outlined in this ebook. Be a doer. Take action. If you have any comments or suggestions for this ebooks improvement, please email me at coursemanager@christianmarriagehelper.com. May God bless you and your marriage!