Wodz 1

A Loss for the Win Sitting on her white couch, Beth slowly traced the raised shimmering letters with her fingertips: Mr. and Mrs. Monroe are honored to announce the marriage of their daughter Beth Monroe and Robert Cruz, may their love be everlasting. Beth stared into the curves of the letters that spelt out her name, admiring how each tip managed to swoop so majestically. There was only one more wedding announcement left unsealed, it was addressed to Nick Miller, Beths ex-boyfriend. The announcement and envelope sat beside one another; the finished stacks of envelopes had been piled neatly along her white coffee table in rows of ten. Biting her lower lip, she reached for her glass of white wine, eyes still fixed on the unfinished announcement before her. The cool glass

reached her mouth and with a breath she tightly closed her eyes to the thoughts flooding her mind. Beth returned the long stem glass to the table with purpose, and quickly reached for her phone. Hello. Amanda. Can you come over? Beth asked, nervously readjusting the towers of envelopes. Its time.

Ill be right there! If you havent already, grab some glasses. With that, Beth closed her phone and finished her glass in a gulp. She picked up the last announcement and held it between her two pointer fingers at opposing corners, slowing spinning it with her middle finger like she was playing roulette, knowing full well that when it a stopped a shot would fire. She began to pace, lost in her own mind. Her plush cream carpet felt soft under her feet. She gripped her toes into the fibers as if she was trying to root herself to that spot but it wouldnt take. Circling the set of

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white couches and antique colonial chairs, Beth stopped at the photo bench behind the loveseat and picked up a picture of her and Robert. It was taken the first year they were together at their hometowns Fourth of July firework festival. Nestled on her mothers old quilt, Roberts strong arms surrounded Beth and his chestnut eyes were soft and tender. His dark Spaniard features contrasted against her fair pink skin and light eyes. They could not have been more different. She remembered every moment of that day. How they walked along the childrens area, listening to sounds of giggles and tantrums, sharing a greasy sandwich and diet coke that had been watered down from the melted ice; how his skin felt warm and smelled of sun when he held her close. Right before that picture had been taken, just after the fireworks had begun, she turned to him and brushed her small round nose back and forth against his before kissing him sweetly. When I kiss you I see fireworks, she said. They both had giggled at the clich, but he tipped his nose up against hers and kissed her again with a smile.

Robert was the love of her life. His logic balanced out her emotion. He was her saving grace when her world was falling apart and she was the tenderness he thought he would never know, the variable that gave his existence meaning. They completed each other like a wave completed the tide. But much like the tide, Robert and Beth hadnt always been steady. Their first year together was a constant battle of trust and doubt. By the time Robert found Beth, she had lost all hope in love. Her heart had been broken and her self-esteem destroyed. Nick, her former boyfriend, could be thanked for that. Beth needed constant reassurance that Roberts heart was faithful to just her; that she was good enough for him.

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The front door opened without a knock. Amanda let herself in as she always did, dropping her bags in the doorway, her dirty blonde hair wisped behind her trailing a scent of cheap hairspray and knock off Channel. What are you going to say, Amanda requested without even a hello. Amandas fit physique was hard not to notice, even underneath her baggy gym clothes. I cant decide Beth answered. She had been planning this moment for almost five years, the day she would send her wedding announcement to Nick as her first and final act of revenge.

Nick was Beths college boyfriend, the artistic-musician type with loose dark curls that made her knees weak. When they started dating, he was her whole world, her first love. She would have done anything for him; including changing schools and working three jobs to support herself while he lived off of his daddys credit card. Nick was selfish and demanding but she didnt know any better. She didnt see the signs her family warned her about. They were small at first, like how he would bring her diet soda when she asked for regular. How he would point out a thin fitness model and comment on her perfect body. Beth told him once that she wanted to be a dancer, maybe an instructor at a local studio or youth squad, and he supported her dreams - but always added that she should lose about fifty pounds first, leaving her at a meager 100 pounds soaking wet. After two years together Beth had become so isolated from her family and friends that she believed it was her fault for the way Nick mistreated her. And as his affections pulled away, their sex becoming nothing more than masturbation with a partner, she pleaded with him for a reason.

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You wont even kiss me anymore Nick, why? What can I do? Cold and deliberately, Nick looked into her eyes and said, If you were more of a ten, I would be more attracted to you and treat you better. Shocked, her next question flew out of her so fast she didnt realize she had asked it, What am I then? A six.

Beth moved home after her and Nick broke up. Every Friday he would call her apologizing and she would drive back to their apartment in hopes of working things out; every Saturday they would make love and every Sunday they made promises for the future. But every Monday, Nick would tell her he didnt love her anymore and sent Beth home more broken then before. Nick continued this for months, using her love for him and hate for herself to keep her near. When he finally found his ten, he vanished from her life. No call, no text, he was just gone. She was only a hundred and fifty pounds at the time but her self-esteem had been stripped down so raw, she felt like a walking carcass, a hideous beast incapable of being loved. For the next eight months Beth spiraled out of control. She ate her feelings, an abundance of feelings. She was almost a hundred and seventy pounds when she met Robert, heavy for her height, but still healthy to the rest of the world. Robert was a fitness buff, and despite Beths diminished body image, he told her everyday how beautiful she was.

Robert and Beth met about a year after Nick had vanished. She had been visiting with come co-workers at a local hangout when Robert walked up, they shared a mutual friend. Beth noticed him immediately. His athletic build and strong jaw bone was nothing less than a masterpiece so she blew him off. She

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had come to the conclusion that being good looking meant you were either dumb or a player. Someone asked Robert how work was going and Beth tried to act uninterested when he began talking about his job as an actuary, a statistical analysis career that measures financial risks within a company. What do you do? Robert asked Beth unexpectedly. Beth locked eyes with him, feeling embarrassed that she had looked directly at him. He was smart and sexy with a charm that came off just too smoothly for Beths taste. He was in no way as damaged as she was, and that scared the hell out of her.

By the end of the night, Robert asked Beth for her number. She knew he had no intentions of calling her so she gave him Amandas number instead. The next morning, Amanda called to give Beth his number. They frequented the gym often. At first because Beth felt she wasnt good enough for him. She feared her body would push Robert away so much that dieting and the gym became as important as breathing. She didnt want to lose him like she had Nick. Eventually, spending time with Robert; at the gym, riding bikes, playing sports; became a part of her routine, not because she felt she needed be thinner but because she enjoyed being with Robert. What am I? she asked one night as they cuddled on the couch in their home. One to ten, ten being the perfect ten. Youre my foxy lady, Baby Doll. Theres no one better for me than you. Youre my perfect ten.

Personally, Amanda said, I think you should write, Suck it asshole or I win Youre sending the photo too right?

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Beth had thought of sending a picture, but even at a hundred and twenty pounds she still didnt have the self-esteem to include one. I was thinking about sending one of the ring actually. No way! We didnt hit the gym for the last two years for you to send a damn picture of your hand. Amandas head jerked back and forth with a sass Beth couldnt help but smirk at. I think you should send a full body shot, Amanda added with synchronized snaps, abs, tits and ring included. Beth laughed as Amanda continued. How about, whos the six now bitch! Embarrassed by her friends compliment Beth responded, No! I cant say that. I just want Nick to know Im happy and found Robert. Bullshit. We want Nick to know that youre a stone cold fox and he cant ever have you again. It was true; Beth had never looked so good in her life. She was thin with lean muscle and radiated beauty from the inside out. Her dark hair and light eyes were only accentuated by her rosy high cheekbones. Beth poured her and Amanda some wine. Dangling the glass between her fingers, Beths eyes shifted back and forth between Robert and Nicks names. She thought about her soon to be new name, Beth Cruz, and then she thought of how she used to doodle Beth Miller all over her notes when no one was watching. Im just glad I didnt have to spend my whole life being told my name sounded like Bette Midler. Sure dodged a bullet on that one. What? Amanda said confused. Beth hadnt realized she was comparing her potential last names out loud. I meant Im glad Im not getting Nicks last name. Ignoring her friends comment Amanda asked, Have you thought about what you would do if Nick actually showed up at the wedding?

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Im sending him an announcement Amanda, not an invite. Still, I would be mortified if any of my exes were in the same room as my future husband, even if they didn't know each other. I'd have to pull a fire alarm. Taking another sip of wine Amanda joked, You should write, I always had to fake it with you and Robert is a God in bed. Ill do it in fancy calligraphy! Beth joked and they both laughed. Beth paused after a moment, her eyes slowed from playful to pain. I hate him Amanda. I hate the way he called me babe instead of baby. How he turned off my music because it was his car; the way he would text me i lu-v ya after two years. I mean, I wasnt even important enough to get the o and e. Beth finished her final glass, growing more and more bitter. I lost so many years over him. And after everything we shared together, he threw me away because I wasnt thin enough. Beth just looked down at Nicks name again, How do you do that to someone youre supposed love? Amanda slid off the couch, onto the floor and looked up at Beth. held onto Beths hands that had been resting in her lap. He was never good enough for you. With that, tears escaped Beths eyes. She didnt cry for Nick, in truth, she couldnt remember what about Nick drew her into him. But she cried for giving him such power over her. Power that made her lose focus on her dreams, on herself. Amanda wrapped her arms around Beth and slowly rocked with her friend. As quickly as the moment had begun, it was interrupted by Beths phone. The caller I.D. read Future Husband, Robert did that himself after proposing. She

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In life Robert was extremely confident; that was why his proposal touched Beth so deeply. He didnt do anything extravagant; he didnt put on a show to upstage the moment. He looked into her eyes terrified and asked will you marry me? It had come out like an exhaling breath. No pleads or promises; he just froze there waiting for a response, his eyes begging for a yes. Beth had never seen him so vulnerable. She knew that if her answer could make or break this independent mans life, then he loved her more than she loved herself and for that, she loved him more.

Hello Beth answered light heartedly, trying to hide the sniffles in her voice. Hey Baby Doll. I just wanted to let you know that I was on my way home. Roberts voice was deep and enflamed with love. The sound of it alone made Beth smile behind her sad eyes. Alright my love, Ill see you when you get here. I love you. Beth could hear the smile through his voice. I love you too she said. Beth closed the phone and turned to Amanda, I know what Im going to write. Wonderful! Amanda cheered, May I suggest throwing in you have a small penis as many times possible? Ill see what I can do. And Beth smiled.

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Amanda pushed herself to her feet and kissed her friend on the forehead, You call me if you need me. And with that, Amanda hurried off as quickly as she had come. Sitting alone in her and Roberts home, Beth again glanced around the room. The hanging photos of their friends and family, the iPod player Robert bought her so she could sing through the house as she cleaned; the ring on her finger. The one that cost him four months salary because he wanted the diamond to let everyone know she was his and no one else could have her.

Nick had bought Beth a ring once. It was an Irish claddagh ring that she hinted about for over a year. Claddaghs are traditional rings with two hands holding a heart with crown on top. They symbolized friendship, love and loyalty. I like white gold; she used to say, yellow gold makes my skin look more pale. She explained to him how when you turn the point of the heart into the body, it was your way of telling the world your heart was taken. If the point faced the world, you were saying your heart was open to new love. Beth must have told Nick that story five dozen times. On her birthday, the year they finally ended, Nick bought Beth the ring. She opened it excitedly to find a yellow gold ring two sizes too small. I figured you could wear it when you lost weight he explained.

Beth looked down at her engagement ring from Robert. He bought that diamond because he wanted the whole world to know that he loved her and he bought the enchanting white gold setting, because he wanted her to love it.

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Beth had wanted to tell Nick all the pain he caused her. How changing schools for him, caused her to lose her scholarship. How she had to move back home and face her family as a failure only to begin her life again. She wanted to tell him that he took away a part of her that she could never get back, the innocence of a first love. She wanted to tell him how she would have stayed by his side, forsaking her family, ignoring her dreams, if that was what made him happy; even at the cost of losing herself. But in the end, once the envelope was folded and sealed, all she had written was Thank you.

Karisa Wodz June 20, 2012