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Narratives of workplace
friendship deterioration
Patricia M. Sias
Washington State University
Renee G. Heath
University of Colorado, Boulder
Tara Perry
Western Washington University
Deborah Silva
Walla Walla College
Bryan Fix
FEI Co
ABSTRACT
An exploratory examination of workplace friendship deterio-
ration processes was conducted using employees’ narrative
accounts of their experiences. Narratives revealed five
primary causes of workplace friendship deterioration –
personality, distracting life events, conflicting expectations,
promotion, and betrayal. Narratives also indicated that indi-
viduals relied primarily on indirect communication tactics,
including avoidance of nonwork topics in conversation,
nonverbal cues, and avoidance of socializing away from the
workplace to disengage from workplace friendships. Conse-
quences of workplace friendship deterioration included
emotional stress, reduced ability to perform tasks, turnover,
and altered perceptions regarding the role of friendships in
the workplace. Discussion and suggestions for future
research are provided.
All correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Professor Patricia M. Sias,
Edward R. Murrow School of Communication, Washington State University, Pullman, WA
99164–2520, USA [e-mail: psias@mail.wsu.edu]. Sandra Metts was the Action Editor for this
article.
Relationships are the essence of living systems and the basis of organiz-
ation (Wheatley, 1994). As information-sharing, resource-distributing,
decision-making, and support systems, relationships are essential for both
organizational and individual well-being (Kram & Isabella, 1985; Rawlins,
1992). Accordingly, Wheatley (1994) suggested that scholars focus atten-
tion on ‘how a workplace organizes its relationships; not its tasks, functions,
and hierarchies, but the patterns of relationships and the capacities avail-
able to form them’ (p. 39).
Individuals engage in a variety of relationships at work, including super-
visor–subordinate, peer, and mentoring relationships. These workplace
relationships often grow closer, developing into affiliative bonds known as
‘friendships.’ Friendships are unique workplace relationships in two
primary ways: (1) friendships are voluntary – although individuals do not
typically choose with whom they work, they do choose which of those
individuals to befriend; and (2) friendships have a personalistic focus in
which individuals come to know and treat each other as whole persons,
rather than simply workplace role occupants (Sias & Cahill, 1998). Thus,
employees choose to spend time with their friends, both at and away from
the workplace, beyond that mandated by their organizational roles.
Because of these characteristics, workplace friends function as important
sources of social and emotional support and enjoyment for one another
(Kanter, 1977; Rawlins, 1994). Workplace friendships are also distinct from
other types of friendships in that coworker friends share unique knowledge
with respect to workplace experiences and activities, enabling them to
communicate about work-related issues with a depth and efficiency
unavailable in other friendships (Ray, 1987).
In the only extant examination of workplace friendship development,
Sias and Cahill (1998) focused on the ways that friendships become closer,
but not how they deteriorate. Examination of workplace friendship
deterioration is important because friendships contribute to the work
experience of individual employees as sources of emotional and instru-
mental social support (Kram & Isabella, 1985; Sias & Cahill, 1998), enjoy-
ment (Fine, 1986), and career development (Kanter, 1977). Thus, for
individuals, losing a friend at work means losing an important source of
support and intrinsic reward. Moreover, because workplace relationships
are essential to organizational functioning, the deterioration of close
relationships such as friendships is likely to impede work processes.
Accordingly, examination of why and how workplace friendships deterio-
rate can provide useful knowledge for both individuals and the organiz-
ations in which they work. Of particular importance is an understanding of
the deterioration experience from the perspectives of those involved. As
Duck and Pittman (1994) noted, ‘people create personal meanings for
themselves about social and personal relationships’ and these meanings
influence their social behavior (p. 680). For instance, people make attribu-
tions regarding others’ personality and motivations from the other’s
behavior, and these attributions ‘. . . direct or influence social behavior and
communication’ (Duck & Pittman, 1994, p. 680). Thus, the accomplishment
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Research questions
Relationships deteriorate for many reasons. Some of these are the mirror
images of factors associated with relational development, such as proxim-
ity, liking, trust, and similarity. Research suggests, for instance, that loss of
proximity (e.g., moving away) can lead to the dissolution of friendships
(Rawlins, 1994; Rubin, 1980). Relational partners may express undesirable
personality traits after the initial stages of friendship development, leading
partners to alter their view of the other and decrease the closeness of the
friendship (Duck, 1982; Rodin, 1982). Just as trust is the foundation of a
healthy relationship, betrayal has destroyed many relationships (Fehr,
1996).
Workplace friendships may also deteriorate because of an inability to
manage the dialectical tensions experienced when individuals ‘blend’ work-
place and friend roles (Bridge & Baxter, 1992). These tensions challenge
the friendship and, if not successfully managed, can destroy it. The instru-
mentality and affection tension refers to the tension between the workplace
role that carries utilitarian and instrumental expectations and the friend
role that assumes affinity based on affection rather than instrumentality.
The impartiality and favoritism tension refers to organizational norms of
impartial and objective treatment of employees and friendship expec-
tations of unconditional support. Openness and closedness refers to ex-
pectations of openness and honesty among friends, on the one hand, and
organizational expectations of confidentiality and caution about infor-
mation sharing, on the other hand. Autonomy and connection refers to the
benefits of contact for friends and the possibility that ongoing and daily
contact among coworkers may provide little autonomy for the relationship
partners, ‘jeopardizing their friendship through excessive connection’
(Bridge & Baxter, 1992, p. 204). The judgment and acceptance tension
refers to expectations of mutual affirmation and acceptance among friends,
and organizational requirements of critical evaluation.
In sum, workplace friendship deterioration may result from a variety of
factors including loss of proximity, dissimilarity, or an inability to manage
relational dialectic tensions. To this end, the present study examined the
following research question:
RQ1: Why do workplace friendships deteriorate?
In addition to why friendships deteriorate, an understanding of how
friendships deteriorate is an important question to examine. This study con-
ceptualizes relationships as categories of meaning constituted in interaction
(Sigman, 1995). Relationships are not entities external to the relationship
partners, but are mental creations that depend on communication for their
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existence and form. Duck and Pittman (1994) noted that talk ‘serves to
embody the relationship through its simple occurrence and presentation to
the two individuals of their views of the world’ (p. 680). Communication
essentializes relationships; it makes them what they are in the minds of the
partners or, as Duck and Pittman (1994) stated, ‘. . . talk is the relationship’
(p. 680, emphasis added). If relationships are constituted in communication,
they are also changed through communication. Accordingly, an examin-
ation of friendship deterioration requires attention to the ways in which
such deterioration is communicatively accomplished.
Research suggests that individuals rarely use direct communication (i.e.,
telling a partner the friendship is over) to accomplish friendship deterio-
ration (Baxter, 1985; Blieszner & Adams, 1992). Instead, individuals rely
primarily on indirect tactics such as general avoidance and withdrawal
strategies (Baxter, 1982). Among such strategies are ‘other negation’ in
which an individual gives cues that the other is not liked, ‘difference’ in
which an individual communicatively highlights areas of dissimilarity, ‘cost-
rendering’ in which one partner makes participation in the friendship more
costly or unpleasant for the other partner, ‘disinterest’ in which an indi-
vidual stops soliciting information about the partner, ‘self-presentation’ in
which an individual behaves in a less personal or negative way, and
‘exclusion’ in which an individual avoids spending time with the relation-
ship partner (Baxter & Philpott, 1982).
Friendship deterioration, however, has been examined only in nonwork
relationships (Baxter, 1982; Cody, 1982; Rawlins, 1992). No known
research has examined deterioration in workplace friendships. This
omission is important because, although these friendships share features in
common with other friendships, they are also distinctive. Perhaps the most
important distinction is that partners must continue to work together after
their friendships have deteriorated. The deterioration process may be
particularly difficult to negotiate in workplace relationships in which
continued, frequent contact is mandated. ‘Exclusion,’ for example, may be
difficult unless one partner quits or is transferred. Thus, we examined the
following:
RQ2: How is workplace friendship deterioration communicatively accom-
plished?
Workplace friendship deterioration is likely to have important conse-
quences. For individuals, losing a friend may mean losing an important
source of both instrumental and emotional support. Moreover, the
attempts at avoidance that usually accompany friendship deterioration may
make it more difficult for employees to carry out tasks effectively. The
deterioration of a workplace friendship may also present a threat to the
security and privacy of the partners in that one or both former friends may
worry that the ‘gossip’ they shared in confidence as friends may get back
to the target of the gossip once the friendship ends. The present study,
therefore, examined the following:
RQ3: Which consequences are associated with workplace friendship
deterioration?
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Method
Analytic method
All participants produced narrative accounts of friendship deterioration. This
was not surprising given Sarbin’s (1986) observation that people are, by nature,
narrative beings who ‘think, perceive, imagine, and make moral choices
according to narrative structures’ (p. 8). According to this ‘narratory principle,’
when asked to describe their experiences, people naturally do so in narrative
form (Sarbin, 1986). Narratives are chronological accounts of events that imply
causality and provide interpretive structures for individuals, helping them
‘make sense of the flow of events in their lives’ (Skinner, Bailey, Correa, &
Rodriguez, 1999, p. 482). Narratives include information regarding individuals’
interpretations of and meanings derived from events, feelings, and emotions
experienced during and after the events, and ‘lessons learned’ from the events
(Blyler & Perkins, 1999; Greenhalgh & Hurwitz, 1999), including important,
transformative life events (Hones, 1998). Analysis of narratives was, therefore,
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particularly appropriate for the present study concerned with employee experi-
ences of relationship deterioration. Analysis of narratives was also an appro-
priate analytic method because it focused researchers’ attention on individuals
as agents and on the consequences of events perceived by the individuals who
experienced those events (Franzosi, 1998).
Following Denzin (1997), Hones (1998) distinguished between ‘analysis of
narratives’ and ‘narrative analysis.’ As Hones (1998) explained, ‘Analysis of
narratives begins with the stories told and moves toward common themes;
narrative analysis uses the stories told to construct a larger story’ (p. 228,
emphasis added). Because the research questions sought information regard-
ing common themes of deterioration events and processes, the present study
involved analysis of narratives, examining stories for common themes relevant
to the friendship deterioration experience.
According to Labov (1972), narratives vary in complexity and the extent to
which they contain any of six basic narrative elements: an abstract (a summary
statement of the whole story), an orientation (identification of the time, place,
and persons, their activity or situation), a complicating action (the plot or ‘what
happened’ in the story), a resolution (description of events occurring after the
high point of the narrative that resolve the high point action in some way), an
evaluation (an emotional assessment of the meaning of the narrative), and a
coda or signal that the narrative is over. Narratives vary on a continuum with
‘minimal’ narratives containing only a complicating action and ‘fully formed’
narratives including all six elements (Labov, 1972).
Not surprisingly, the narratives provided by respondents in the present study
varied in their complexity. All, however, included the three narrative elements
most relevant to the research questions: a complicating action (‘trigger’ event
or cause of deterioration), resolution (how the deterioration was accom-
plished), and evaluation (deterioration interpretation and consequences).
These three components were the focus of analysis. Transcripts were examined
using a constant comparison method (Glaser & Strauss, 1967) to identify
general themes relevant to each of the three narrative components. For
example, a respondent’s description of her coworker being promoted to super-
visor and displaying ‘authoritative’ behavior was considered the ‘complicating
action;’ that respondent’s interpretation of her friend’s authoritarian behavior
as ‘fine because that’s her duty’ was considered part of the ‘evaluation’
component of the narrative. Information for each of these components for the
25 narratives was placed on master lists (one list each for complicating action,
resolution, and evaluation). These lists were then examined to identify general
themes for each of the narrative components. A second individual coded 12
interview transcripts to assess coding reliability for these themes. Cohen’s
Kappa coefficient was .89 for complicating action component themes, .90 for
resolution component themes, and .94 for evaluation component themes, indi-
cating coding reliability.
Results
Results are organized around five primary narrative types derived from the
data and identified by the complicating action component: ‘problem personal-
ity’ narratives (10), ‘distracting life event’ narratives (3), ‘conflicting expec-
tations’ narratives (5), ‘promotion’ narratives (5), and ‘betrayal’ narratives (2).
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Complicating action
The ‘problem personality’ narrative comprised the bulk of the deterioration
narratives, with 10 respondents tracing the deterioration to one coworker
displaying a personality trait or behavior that was impossible for the respon-
dent to accept, such as selfishness, disrespect, or flirtatiousness. Four referenced
supervisor–subordinate relationships and six concerned peer coworker
relationships. Interestingly, in some cases, the annoying personality character-
istics initially drew the coworkers into friendships. One respondent, for
example, found her coworker’s outgoing personality initially very attractive but
eventually unacceptable. She explained, ‘Everybody absolutely loved her and
adored her. She’s very likable. But then little things started happening. I just
noticed that she’s very, very flirtatious and it didn’t matter who it was; as long
as he had pants on, she’d be flirting with him.’ Another explained that her
coworker’s involvement in an abusive romantic relationship encouraged the
development of their friendship because her coworker came to the respondent
for advice and support. After ending that romantic relationship, however, the
coworker began another abusive relationship and again sought advice from her
friend. This frustrated the respondent who explained, ‘It was hard for me to
continue to help her when she didn’t want to help herself.’
Resolution
After the complicating action led to a decision to end or alter the friendship,
the narratives moved toward resolution. Relational transformation was accom-
plished primarily with indirect communication strategies such as avoidance of
personal conversation topics or any topics unrelated to work, and nonverbal
cues. The woman with a disrespectful coworker explained, ‘When I see this
person, I don’t acknowledge them; they don’t acknowledge me and we know
that we’re not friends. So that’s where we’re at now.’ The respondent with the
coworker in an abusive relationship stated, ‘We’d talk about things at work,
when you work together you almost have to . . . but there was a wall there
because we could only go so far personally anymore.’ This respondent was the
only one who explicitly discussed the friendship with her coworker. She told
her friend that she would no longer provide personal advice, saying, ‘Well, you
don’t want to listen to my advice, you’ve asked me this over and over again.
You need to decide. I basically don’t want to be involved in that part anymore
because you know it’s driving me crazy and I’m getting upset and I’ve done all
I can do.’ In this conversation, the respondent explicitly constructed boundaries
for their relationship, making discussion of her coworker’s personal life off
limits.
The other respondents did not speak directly with their coworkers about
transforming the friendship for various reasons. As one respondent explained,
‘He was my boss and I’m extremely confident in my abilities to perform my
job, but I maybe don’t have confidence to butt heads with the direct supervisor.’
Others felt that explicit discussion regarding terminating the friendship was
unnecessary. As one participant explained, ‘We didn’t have to. We just didn’t
have that much to do with each other. We didn’t chit-chat as much in the office,
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no small talk. I did my own thing and that person did their own thing and that’s
how the relationship intensity lessened.’
Evaluation
Evaluation appeared throughout the narratives. While describing the event
itself (complicating action), respondents described emotions they experienced
and their interpretations of the events. One respondent highlighted her
emotional wounds early in the interview when she warned, ‘I might cry during
this.’ The respondent with the disrespectful coworker explained ‘I went through
the stage of being very, very angry, very mad.’ She interpreted her coworker’s
behavior as rooted in egocentrism: ‘This person is so, in my opinion, ego-
centered . . . they only see themselves.’ According to her, this is why she
decided to end the relationship rather than discuss the personality problems
further with her coworker. Because of egocentrism, she explained, her
coworker is ‘unable to see what someone is saying.’
Respondents described long-term consequences of the relational deterio-
ration. In two cases, the respondents left their jobs because of the deterioration.
As one explained, ‘I didn’t feel like I belonged there anymore . . . I wasn’t as
happy working because I didn’t get to talk to people as much.’ The deterio-
ration also affected the ways that the coworkers carried out their jobs. The
woman with the disrespectful coworker noted that the deterioration influenced
her work in a college student services position. She explained, ‘I think in order
for me to do my job I would have to communicate with this person, but I choose
not to do that . . . It has to be a direct order from my boss that I have to work
with this person. If that doesn’t exist, communication doesn’t happen.’ As a
result, she admits, ‘I think the students suffer.’
The deterioration experience also provided individuals with general lessons
about relationships. One respondent, for example, learned to pay more atten-
tion to early clues and her instincts. She felt that had she paid more attention
to early clues about her coworker’s flirtatious personality, the relationship
would never have evolved into a friendship. The respondent in the abusive
relationship narrative learned that talking to friends about their personal
problems is ‘a waste of time.’
Complicating action
Three respondents reported that their friendships deteriorated when events in
the friend’s personal life began to interfere with and harm the friend’s job
performance. One narrative involved a supervisor–subordinate relationship
and two concerned peer relationships. As one participant explained, his
friend/supervisor ‘was having problems at home with his wife and family which
he was not able to keep separate from his job so we had problems at work with
his attitude and his behavior declined dramatically.’ Another described how her
friendship with a recently widowed coworker/friend began to deteriorate ‘when
she [the coworker] got involved with a really bad guy.’ This involvement began
to seriously affect her friend’s work performance because, as the respondent
explained, ‘She’d have to take time off. When she met him, he was on work
release and he wanted her to run home for sex at lunch so she’d take extra time
for that because he was on work release and he wouldn’t go to work.’ As the
relationship continued, her coworker:
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. . . started drinking a lot with him and she’d come into work really hung
over or still drunk in the morning just reeking. And she was pretty much
high on cigarettes. Because of that, her blood pressure shot right up. She
had to double her blood pressure medicine and so she was so jittery at
work and so instead of being the calm person, she would just snap at
people, snap off the handle at people.
As a consequence, the respondent explained, ‘our staff wasn’t feeling that she
was real dependable.’
These narratives are somewhat related to the ‘problem personality’ narra-
tives in that both respondents perceived the inability to separate work and
personal lives as rooted in a personality defect. The respondent in the first
example, for instance, interpreted his supervisor’s problems as rooted in a poor
‘work ethic.’ The woman with the ‘bad boyfriend’ was perceived by her
coworker as weak and low in self-esteem. These narratives are different,
however, in that it was the effect on job performance, not the personality
problem itself, that caused the deterioration.
Resolution
Although the respondent in the second example initially attempted to help her
friend with her personal problems, her friend’s defensive reactions led the
respondent to finally stop trying to help. Instead she decided to decrease the
closeness of the relationship, relying primarily on limiting interaction with her
coworker to work-related topics. According to the respondent, this choice of
strategies was influenced mainly by the fact that the respondent was required
to maintain a working relationship with her ex-friend. Interestingly, the respon-
dent stated that she would have terminated the friendship more directly by
explicitly stating that desire to her coworker if she did not have to work with
her. As she explained, ‘At one point I had gone for job interviews and I decided
if I relocated, I would sit down and talk with her because the work relationship
wouldn’t be a problem then . . . I wouldn’t have to deal with her at work.’ The
respondent did not relocate, however. Consequently, the deterioration was
never explicitly discussed. Similarly, the other respondent reported that he
began the relational deterioration by ‘backing away’ from his coworker. As he
explained, ‘If there were conversations going on, I didn’t participate that much
if he was around . . . I didn’t eat lunch with him anymore. I was just basically,
kept my contact with him on a purely professional basis and as minimal as
possible.’
Evaluation
Evaluation appeared throughout these narratives. As discussed earlier, both
respondents interpreted their coworkers’ inability to separate work and home
as rooted in personality defects. These interpretations, in turn, led to emotional
responses such as disappointment and frustration. In the first narrative
described, the respondent explained, ‘I lost all respect for him and even when
he got his personal life back together I could never look at him the same way
again.’ The deterioration impacted the ability of both partners to carry out their
work. This respondent reported that he began to complete tasks in different
locations just to avoid contact with his former friend.
Long-term consequences were also evident. Both respondents sought jobs in
other organizations as a result of the deterioration. Although the second
respondent remained at her job, the respondent who ended his friendship with
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his supervisor eventually found a different job and quit because, due to the
deterioration of his friendship with his supervisor, ‘I didn’t feel like I could ever
get much done as far as getting a raise or getting fired.’
Complicating action
The complicating action or ‘high point’ of five narratives revolved around
friends having different expectations regarding how they should behave toward
one another. Three stories involved supervisor–subordinate relationships and
two centered on peer relationships. One respondent (a supervisor) recounted
the story of how his friend took the respondent’s reprimand personally:
What happened is he had an aircraft safety violation where he overlooked
a couple of things that he was held responsible for and actually put down
that he had checked them. Well, that’s when I found out that he was in a
hurry and blew them off and I got a little upset with him and so I turned
right to him and we had a talk. . . I wasn’t doubting him professionally but
I was doubting his motives to keep his mind on his job and so on. And he
took those, and it had to do with safety flight and, therefore, I got upset
about it and he took that as being a personal attack against him and he
said, ‘Well, what about all; you’re supposed to be my best friend.’ And I
said, ‘This has nothing to do with friendship.’
Another described how her close friendship with her supervisor deteriorated
when she was surprised by the annual evaluation he gave her. As she explained,
‘Everything was fine and then I got this annual review and from my perspec-
tive it was terrible and he had never mentioned anything being bad at all.’ Inter-
estingly, she discussed the evaluation with her supervisor who offered to
change the evaluation to meet her expectations. This was unacceptable to her.
As she explained,
I told him that I felt that he was unfair and why I felt that way and his
answer was I could just go ahead and ‘rewrite it to how you want it to be.’
That was his – it was just bizarre . . . What he said to me was that he didn’t
think it was that bad. He said, ‘I had no idea you would react to it this way
and I didn’t think it was that bad.’ . . . It was never the same. After that I
never felt the same way about him because he just totally blew me away.
One respondent explained that his relationship with his friend/supervisor
deteriorated when the respondent did not support his boss’s opinion in a
meeting. As he told the story,
We had a meeting with the employees there and we were talking about
working schedules and his working schedule was different from everybody
below him and he thought that I would take his side and say okay, every-
thing was fair, yet I didn’t. Instead I sided with the guys that I was working
with in saying, ‘Okay, we’re all working and it’s really unfair that your
hours are better than ours.’ And I don’t think he liked it very much. He
got very upset and ended up taking that into off work because we were
also neighbors.
Another explained that her friendship with a peer coworker deteriorated
because the respondent, a waitress, would not work weekends because she
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lived in a different town and, as she explained, ‘I enjoyed going home.’ Accord-
ingly, she explained, ‘my relationship with her [coworker] was more stressed
because I wasn’t pulling my share of the weight.’
Resolution
Only indirect messages were used to transform these relationships. The woman
not ‘pulling her weight’ at work said her friend made it very clear that she
wanted to end the friendship through communicative withdrawal: ‘She kind of
initiated it by distancing herself by how much chit-chat she would have, clearly
indicating how she felt.’ The participant who did not support his supervisor in
a meeting said his supervisor effectively ended the friendship through non-
verbal cues: ‘[It was] not so much what he was saying, but how he was saying
it. . . . More than anything else, it was his tone.’ He added, ‘It also has a lot to
do with the looks that you give. You can tell when someone’s looking at you
and then just [gives a ‘knowing’ look] you know it’s that look. We used to give
each other those looks all the time and that pretty much got the point across.’
After the fateful meeting, the ‘knowing’ looks stopped.
Evaluation
While describing the complicating action and the resolution of the event,
respondents commented on their emotions and their interpretations of the
events. These emotions included anger, stress, hurt feelings, sadness, and
hostility. While describing his supervisor’s nonverbal cues, for example, the
nonsupportive subordinate explained,
I hate that. I feel like we’ve all grown up, we’re all adults, now let’s treat
each other as adults and he would talk to me and he’d make me so angry
that I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. He made it difficult for
me to get my job done.
Thus, these narratives also included some long-term consequences, such as
impeding one’s ability to carry out tasks. Continuing, this respondent stated,
‘after one year, I couldn’t take any more,’ so he quit. The supervisor who
reprimanded his friend found that the deterioration also affected his family –
their wives ended their friendship, and his son was told by the coworker that
he was no longer welcome in the coworker’s home, thus ending their sons’
friendship.
Complicating action
The complicating action of five narratives centered on the promotion of one of
the partners to a position of formal authority over the other. These narratives
depicted the difficulty of negotiating that change in status. As one respondent
explained, ‘He became my supervisor and I think that relationship, the fact that
he was promoted, he didn’t feel like he probably could be as close because
other people would think that there was favoritism involved or something.’
Resolution
Again, friendships were transformed primarily through indirect messages such
as avoidance of personal topics in conversation and nonverbal cues. One
respondent, for instance, said that her newly promoted coworker effectively
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ended the friendship through ‘the tone of her voice . . . you know, snappy and
demanding instead of asking me to do a job.’ One respondent reported that she
used a direct communication strategy to end the relationship. As she told the
story,
We sat each other down and said ‘look, we’re not getting along’ and I
decided to give my two weeks’ notice and she in return gave me a good
reference on working there and we just decided it would best if we just
ended the working relationship and so she gave me enough time to find
another job.
Evaluation
Respondents experienced anger and frustration during the deterioration
process. These emotions, however, were not as strong in the promotion narra-
tives as they were in the other narratives. One respondent, in fact, said she was
not surprised by the deterioration, suggesting that deterioration is inevitable
when one coworker is promoted. In an earlier excerpt, the respondent inter-
preted his friend’s change in behavior after promotion as resulting from
concerns over appearances of favoritism. This interpretation may have influ-
enced his own behavior when he was later promoted:
I think that’s just a natural progression. The camaraderie is different . . .
You can’t be a friend. I guess you could still be a friend, but not the same
level of friend once you take on a leadership position . . . You go from an
equal to nonequal person . . . It affected me the same way when I was
promoted. I couldn’t have the same relationship with some of the people
in the shop that I used to.
Complicating action
Two narratives (one involving a supervisor–subordinate relationship and the
other a peer relationship) centered on betrayal. One respondent told the
following story:
She befriended me and I thought that I could really trust her . . . But then
she did something, she betrayed my trust . . . It was about money, my salary
at that particular time. I had been in a position long enough to get a raise
but I had some concerns as to what my job description was as opposed to
what I was actually doing. And so, because I was doing things beyond my
job description, I thought I should be getting more money. And I just, you
know, I just said if she could not mention it that I would get to that in my
own time. But she went back and she told my employer.
In the other betrayal narrative, a gradual loss of trust eventually led to a major
incident that led the respondent to end a friendship with her supervisor. The
respondent explained,
She kept information from me, so my job became more difficult . . . About
the fourth month or so, in a staff meeting she started putting me down . . .
It might not have been visible to other members of the staff, but to me it
was. I confronted her right after the staff meeting. She told me that I didn’t
know what I was talking about.
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At this point, the respondent began to ‘back off in the relationship’ by making
excuses not to socialize with her coworker. The relationship’s fatal blow came
later: ‘One day I came in on the weekend on Saturday and she was in my office.
She was going through my files. She didn’t know I was coming in, it was a
Saturday! I mean, right then in my office I started yelling at her “What are you
doing here?!” ’ At this point, the respondent concluded, ‘basically, she was
screwed up. That was what I was starting to think.’
Resolution
Again, individuals used indirect communication to transform the relationship,
including avoidance of personal topics in conversation and avoidance of social-
izing. The woman who caught her coworker going through her files explained,
‘There were no more additional overtures in terms of friendship. I think that’s
how it started to go into nothing. We stopped calling each other. There were
no more lunches, there was no more nothing. Everything was just on a
professional basis.’ Another explained, ‘She pretty much got the picture by me
being silent sort of . . . not answering the questions or really talking on like I
previously did.’ She used these indirect messages for two reasons. As she
explained, ‘I’m a very subtle person. My personality is to get along with
anybody and everybody and not rock the boat.’ She added, ‘I chose that way
because I had to work with her and she’s my immediate supervisor. So I
couldn’t go wrong if I was just doing my job.’
Evaluation
Respondents experienced various emotions during these deterioration events,
including doubt, distrust, and anger. The deterioration also impacted the indi-
viduals’ work experiences long after the friendship ended. The woman whose
coworker invaded her office reported that a year after the friendship ended,
her coworker (also her supervisor) tried to have the respondent fired. On an
annual evaluation form, the respondent explained, ‘there is a comments section
and she starts putting in all of her personal opinions. And so I confronted her
with that in the presence of the director of the department . . . She [the
coworker] just stood up and started screaming “I want her terminated, she is
so untrustworthy!” ’
Causes of deterioration
The narratives revealed five primary causes of workplace friendship
deterioration: problem personality, distracting life events, conflicting
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expectations, betrayal, and promotion. Two of these are the reverse of what
Sias and Cahill (1998) identified as factors that impact peer coworker
friendship development – personality and personal life events. The present
findings indicate that personality and life events (when they distract
employees from their work) can lead to the demise of workplace friend-
ships and, in fact, the same personality traits and life events that bring
friends together may eventually cause the friendship to fall apart. This is
similar to the ‘fatal attraction’ that to date has been associated primarily
with romantic relationships in which qualities that initially attract indi-
viduals to romantic partners eventually become perceived as so extreme,
foolish, or pathological they repel the individual from that partner
(Felmlee, 1998). Some respondents reported that they learned to trust their
‘instincts’ after the experience, suggesting that personality and life events
may not be powerful developmental influences for these individuals in
future workplace relationships. Instead the deterioration process may
encourage them to maintain boundaries between their work and personal
lives in the future. Future research should examine this somewhat para-
doxical relationship dynamic in greater detail as it applies to nonromantic
relationships.
Betrayal also destroyed workplace friendships. Many researchers note
the importance of trust in developing and maintaining healthy friendships
(Fehr, 1996). It is not surprising, therefore, to find that betrayal harms
workplace friendships. In these narratives, respondents were unable to
regain trust in their partner, leading to the demise of the friendships. Future
research should examine betrayal among workplace friends in greater
depth, in particular focusing on friendships that survive betrayal and in
which friends rebuild trust.
Workplace friendships also ended because of the inability to manage
dialectical tensions inherent in ‘blended’ relationships and identified by
Bridge and Baxter (1992). The ‘promotion’ narratives, for example, depict
the difficulty of negotiating the ‘impartiality–favoritism’ dialectic that
accompanies relationships in which one partner has formal authority over
the other. As respondents explained, their promoted friends most likely
disengaged from their relationships because they were worried about
appearances of favoritism. This dialectic tension also led to the demise of
friendships in the ‘conflicting expectations’ narratives. The story of the
unwelcome reprimand expresses this dialectic well. In that story, the
subordinate expected the favoritism presumed of friends, but received the
impartiality expected from coworkers. This narrative, along with others,
also exemplifies the difficulties of managing the ‘judgment–acceptance’
dialectic in which friends expect unconditional support from each other,
while coworkers are required to critically evaluate each other.
Bridge and Baxter (1992) found that, when faced with dialectical
tensions in workplace friendships, employees respond in one of three ways.
They either ‘separate’ the roles, behaving as coworkers while at work and
as friends outside the workplace, ‘select’ one relationship over the other
(for example, choosing to ‘break’ organizational rules in favor of the
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