Female Seminars Female Seminars by Males 1. Elementary Map Reading 2. Crying and Law Enforcement 3.

Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR 4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours 5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast 6. The Seven-Outfit Week 7. PMS: Its YOUR Problem, Not Mine "Its Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it" 8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions 9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights 10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed 11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: Its As Simple As Oil and Water 12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament 13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You" 14. How to Earn Your Own Money 15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good" 16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side 17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station 19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels 20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy 21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too 22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out 23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock" 24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" 25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House 26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

Rejection lines Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and what it really means) - I think of you as a brother... (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") - Theres a slight difference in our ages... (I dont want to do my dad) - Im not attracted to you in that way... (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes on.) - My life is too complicated right now... (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.) - Ive got a boyfriend... (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).. - I dont date men where I work... (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.) - Its not you, its me... (Its you.) - Im concentrating on my career... (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

- Im celibate... (Ive sworn off only the men like you.) - Lets be friends... (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

The strong Sex? Q. Why are men like dolphins? A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it. Q. Why cant a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time? A. That would make him a woman. Q. Why are batteries better than men? A. Batteries have at least one positive side. Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin? A. Because they cant stand criticism. Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man? A. A rumour. Q. Why do men exist? A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn. Q. What would the world be like without men? A. Full of happy fat women. Q. What does a woman do after good sex? A. Put on her clothes and go home. Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex? A. Honey, Im home!

Stupid People Sign ... Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "Im Stupid". That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? You wouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didnt see your sign."

Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, yall catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked em into giving up. Heres your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And theres only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it." I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldnt help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no Im delivering a bridge...heres your sign."

One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch: My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

I think that I'm a chicken Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Advice to Men The reason our bras dont always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl. If were watching football with you, its not bonding. Were watching because of the cute butts. Dont fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. Please dont drive when youre not driving. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "Whos easy?" Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DONT CARE! Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level. Before and after marriage Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like Im suffocating. Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month. Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing hes done... Before - Dont Stop. After - Dont Start. Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesnt she have a mind of her own? Before - Hes lost without me. After - Why cant he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you? A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. International airline Acronyms for International Airlines Italy ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia --Britain BOAC = Better on a camel --Belgium SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again --Pakistan PIA = Please, Inform Allah --Yugoslavia JAT = Joke About Time --Pacific Western Airlines PWA = Pray While Aloft PWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines ---

Trans World Airlines = Teeney Weeny Airlines.

Question and answers Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pit bull. Q: Why is a tree like a dog? A: Because they both lose their bark when they die. Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund? A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie. Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker? A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler! Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops? A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? A: Elephino. Rude Qs & As Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms? A: So they can fucking moan when theyre happy, too. Q: Whats the difference between a pimple and a priest? A: A pimple wait till youre about 15 till it comes on your face. Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl? A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week. Q: What do you get when you cross a Wall Street firm with a B&D brothel? A: A business for stocks and bondage. Q: Whats the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob? A: Youll never hear a guy getting a blowjob say, "Slow down! Stop! BITE, YOU COCKSUCKER!" Q: Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises? A: Because they should be. Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind. Q: What defines a truly sensitive guy? A: He doesnt make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

How to identify where a driver is from One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO. One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK. One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonalds bag out the window: TEXAS. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Prairie Dog tails attached to antenna: WYOMING. Two hands gripping wheel,

blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA. Curriculum Vitae Blunders - "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." - "Special skills: Thyping." - "I have a bachelorette degree in computers." - "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco." - "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute." - "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!" - "Language skills: Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business." - "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date." - "My salary requirement is $34 per year." - "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

Love is like Love is like a war, easy to start, difficult to stop, and never to forget....

FBI, CIA, LAPD The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it,

including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!"

Who knows what? "In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything." Harold Coffin.

Why...? - Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesnt usually wear any pants? - Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? - Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldnt it be leaving a dump? - Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps? - Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car? - Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? - Why do people say, "youve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? - Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? - Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin? - Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when youre standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldnt you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit? - Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldnt be more fun to eat a big one? - Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but its only a "penny for your thoughts"? Wheres that extra penny going too ? - Why is it when we duck they call us chicken? - Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? - Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? - Why is it called after dark, when it is really after light?

The Pope ... The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? Theres no such name in my book."

The Pope: "Im the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didnt tell me..." The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..." St. Peter: "The Catholic church ...Never heard of it... Wait, Ill check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heavens Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "Theres a dude standing outside who claims hes your representative on earth." God: "I dont have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, Ill ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes father, whats up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, Ill go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why hes laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club Ive started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Dont say... 50 Things you dont say while having sex: 01. Is it in yet? 02. Is that it? 03. You have to be kidding me 04. (phone rings) Hi? Oh, nothing special. You? 05. Am I supposed to pay you for this? 06. Should I call you tomorrow? 07. Oh mama, mama!!! 08. Oh daddy, daddy!!! 09. You look better in the dark. 10. Oh, this is much better than with my last boy/girlfriend. 11. I thought it was supposed to go into the other hole 12. Dont tell my husband/wife 13. You have the bra as my mom (particularly bad if the girl says this ;) 14. This sucks

15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50.

Could you hurry up a bit? I have to go to a meeting I hope youre not expecting a raise I think this could make you get the job Damn, is that all you know ?! Did I mention I have herpes? We have to get married now Hurry up, the game is on in a few! Im hungry Im thirsty zzzzzzzzzz Are you trying to be funny? Can you drop me off when youre done? Are those real? Before I forget, Im breaking up with you What is that smell? Is that you? Youve never done this before? WOW! Ive never boobs like that! (and then start grabbing them) Do you know what certain female spiders do after mating? You sure look like your sister Your moms pretty nice What did you say your name was? Do I really still have to be here in the morning? Again? I had trouble staying awake the first time! Owwww, and you had just started Youre almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know! Dont touch that! You wanna order a pizza? I think my dad is eavesdropping Smile, youre on Candid Camera! Is there anything nice on TV? Get your hand away from there! I think the condom tore 10 mins ago I knew you had a stuffed bra! "Cover me guys, Im going in!" TIMBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!! The ceiling needs some white paint ;-)

Work-dictionary What you say to your boss and what it really means: You say: Perhaps I can work late. It means: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

You say: Im certain that is not feasible. It means: No fucking way! You Say: Really? It means: Youve got to be shitting me. You say: Perhaps you should check with... It means: Tell someone who gives a shit. You say: Of course Im concerned. It means: Ask me if I give a shit. You say: I wasnt involved in the project. it means: Its not my fucking problem. You say: Im not sure I can implement this. It means: Fuck it, it wont work. You say: Ill try to schedule that. It means: Why the hell didnt you tell me sooner? You say: Are you sure this is a problem? It means: Who the fuck cares? You say: Hes not familiar with the problem. It means: Hes got his head up his ass. You say: So you werent happy with it? It means: Kiss my ass. You say: I dont think you understand. It means: Shove it up your ass. You say: I love a challenge. It means: This job sucks. You say: You want me to take care of that? It means: Who the hell died and made you boss? You say: Yes, we really should discuss it. It means: Another fucking meeting? You say: I dont think this will be a problem. It means: I really dont give a shit.

Tips for Working Hard ... Tips for Working Hard from George Costanza ... Words to live by. 1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like theyre heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like theyre heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These arent exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but theyre not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim youre teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. 3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like youre not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last years work looks the same as todays work; its volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document youll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best. 4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People dont call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. Thats no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know theyre not there - it looks like youre hardworking and conscientious even though youre being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesnt involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear

is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. 5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy. 6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g., 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays. 7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed. 8. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They dont have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

International Dating ... A CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMAN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her youll marry her and never get head again. POLISH WOMAN: First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isnt home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: Shes pregnant. Shes not sure if its hers. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You dont even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: Shes pregnant by someone other than you! LATIN WOMAN First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car Second Date: She is pregnant Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sisters boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Dictionary Of Dating ... DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is

interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE: A womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. NYMPHOMANIAC: A mans term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. Adam and Eve A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

You know its time for a diet when: You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing. You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller. Weight Watchers demands your resignation. You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says, "One at a time please!"

The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a turn without flipping over. Youre at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire blackboard They throw puffed rice at your wedding. You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep. You lay on the beach and Greenpeace comes along to push you back in the water

Bra Sizes Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldnt figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed! (A} - Almost Boobs... {B} - Barely there. {C} - Cant Complain! {D} - Damn! (DD} - Double damn! {E} - Enormous! {F} Fake

Email & chat room survival kit AOL - Assholes On Line ASAP - As Soon As Possible ASAFP - As Soon As Friggin Possible AWGTHTGTTA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again AWGTHTGTTSA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again BFD - Big Fucking Deal BMD - Buy Me Dildo BTSOOM - Beats The Shit Out Of Me BT - Byte This! BTWBO - Be There With Bells On CMF - Count My Fingers! CTC - Choking The Chicken DBEYR - Dont Believe Everything You Read DHYB - Dont Hold Your Breath DILLIGAD - Do I Look Like I Give A Damn DQYDJ - Dont Quit Youre Day Job DYSTSOTT - Did You See The Size Of That Thing FTASB - Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Repair FUBB - Fucked Up Beyond Belief FYI - For Your Information FYM - For Your Misinformation GR&D - Grinning Running & Ducking HAK - Hugs And Kisses HUYA - Head Up Your A$$ HHOK - Ha Ha, Only Kidding HHO1/2K - Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding HIOOC - Help! Im Out Of Coffee! IANAC - I Am Not A Crook IFABCTE - I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator IITYWTMWYKM - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me IITYWTMWYBMAD - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink IITYWTMWYLMA - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone IIWM - If It Were Me ILSHIBAMF - I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture ILSHIBMS - I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches IMHO - In My Humble Opinion IMNSHO - In My Not So Humble Opinion KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid LDTTWA - Lets Do The Time Warp Again LOL - Laughing Out Loud LSHHTCMS - Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts LTIP - Laughing Till I Puke MTFBWY - May The Force Be With You NBFD - No Big Fucking Deal NFW - No Fucking Way OMIK - Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard ONNA - Oh No, Not Again ONNTA - Oh No Not This Again OTOH - On The Other Hand OTOOH - On The Other Other Hand OTSH - On The Same Hand PITA - Pain In The A$$ PMF - Pull My Finger RTFM - Read The Fucking Manual (or Message) SH - Shit Happens SH2M - Shit Happens To Me SOI - Sit On It SOL - Shit Outta Luck TAFL - Take A Flying Leap TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me TFASB - Time For A Sex Break TIC - Tongue In Cheek TISEC - Tongue In Someone Elses Cheek

TLA - Three Letter Acronym (such as this) TM - Trust Me TSR - Totally Stuck in RAM TTT - Thats The Ticket TWHAB - This Wont Hurt A Bit VI - Village Idiot WDIPME - Where Did I Put My Excedrin WGAFS - Who Gives A Flying Squat W THDTIM - What The Hell Do These Initials Mean WTSDS - Where The Sun Dont Shine WWW - World Wide Wait WYSIWYG - What You See Is What You Get WYSIUWYW - What You See Isnt Usually What You Want YGBFK - You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin

National Arguments ... A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Poetry ... These are couplets taken from the Rhyme Zone where theres this competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second - here are a few of the entries: Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty and so is your head. After you, my love, my only prize. Would be a bullet between my eyes. Of loving beauty you float with grace. If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other. Until, that is, I met your brother. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot. This describes everything youre not. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, Im good at telling lies! Every time I see your face. I wish I were in outer space. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt, If its true, Id prefer you inside out. I see your face when I am dreaming. Thats why I always wake up screaming. My love you take my breath away. What have you stepped in, to smell this way. My feelings for you no words can tell. Except for maybe "go to hell."

Engelsk ordbog ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer. BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain. BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child. CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wifes watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it. DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey. ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday

didnt happen today. FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them. PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand. PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room. STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer. DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire. HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women. INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex. MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy. NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does. TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others. INTERVIEW: That which can be seen between the interviewees legs. EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man. HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions. IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry. INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".

Cynics Approach to Love: If you love something, set it free. - If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

- If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. - If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Psychiatrist phone Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Funny Movie Facts 2 More things you would never know without the movies: - Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. - A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium. - Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. - It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. - When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. - No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. - Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. - Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. - Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

10% 20% 36% 45% 46% 70% 80% 90% 99%

of of of of of of of of of

the the the the the the the the the

women had sex within the first hour of their first date. men had sex in a non-traditional place. women favour nudity. women prefer dark men with blue eyes. women experienced anal sex. women prefer sex in the morning. men have never experienced homosexual relations. women would like to have sex in the forest. women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?" Teacher: "No, of course not." Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

Dictionary Of Bar Phrases - "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We wont be here long enough to get another round. - "ILL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end... beers are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $4.50 a pop.) - "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) - "ILL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE." (FEMALE) (Im easy.) - "ILL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE." (MALE) (Im gay.) - "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?" (I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.) - "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means I get to lick you.) - "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what Ill do to you in bed?) - "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) - "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE) (Its 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, probably spent half my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.) - "I DONT FEEL WELL, LETS GO HOME." (FEMALE) (Youre paying more attention to your friends than to me.) - "I DONT FEEL WELL, LETS GO HOME." (MALE) (Im horny.) - "WHOS GOT THE NEXT ROUND?" (I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

- "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell out of the way.) - "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.) - "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Dont even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.) - "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? Youre certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho.. And get your eyes off of my man, or Ill slap you like the slut you are, bitch.) - "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep with him/her?) - "I DONT HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (Im 16.) - "I DONT HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I dont have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.) - "NO, REALLY, IM OK TO DRIVE." (Im wasted, and Im too embarrassed to have anybody see who Im going home with.) - "IVE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY." (Ive only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.) Surgeons taking a coffee break Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Rejection lines Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and what it really means) - I think of you as a brother... (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") - Theres a slight difference in our ages... (I dont want to do my dad) - Im not attracted to you in that way... (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes on.) - My life is too complicated right now... (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.) - Ive got a boyfriend... (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).. - I dont date men where I work... (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.) - Its not you, its me... (Its you.) - Im concentrating on my career... (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) - Im celibate... (Ive sworn off only the men like you.) - Lets be friends... (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

It took a minute to meet you, it took an hour to know you, it took a day to fall in love with you, but it will take a lifetime to forget you...

Real flight announcements Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Funny Movie Facts Things you would never know without the movies: - During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. - If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patricks Day parade - at any time of year. - The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. - All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. - The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. - Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite. - The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. - All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. - You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. - Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. - When paying for a taxi, dont look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. - Kitchens dont have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the

fridge door and use that light instead. - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Saying In the left side ther's nothing right AND in the right side ther's nothing left. The Perfect Day ... THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner 9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry 12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe 12:45 Catch sight of boyfriends ex and notices she has gained 7kg 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 15:00 Nap 16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer 16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body 17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror 19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers 22:00 Hot shower [alone] 22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen] 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms and THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blow job 6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section 7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport 9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet 9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route] 9:45 Play front nine [2 under] 11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon 12:15 Blow job 12:30 Play back nine [4 under] 14:15 Limo back to airport

14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo 15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude] 16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle 17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson 18:45 Shit, shower, shave 19:00 Watch news - Brad Pitt assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised 19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits 21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day 21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies] 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale 23:30 Night cap blow job 23:45 In bed alone 23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room Learn chinese in 5 minutes Dildo - Fun Toi Ex-wife - Fa Kin Sau Wheres the restroom? - Ai Pe Nau I absolutely agree! - No Daut Jesus Child - Ho Li Boi Dogshit under my shoe - Stin Kin Puh Stop teasing me! - Tat Nut Fun Annoying kid - Hit Tat Boi Cough up some dough! - Pei Nau Go for a ride for free - Hit Hai King I think our friend is homo - He Gai Your price is too high - Ai No Bai Dam Ting That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Hey, I think we have a serious problem here! - Sum Ting Wong Having an early orgasm - Kum Tu Suun Saying the same thing several times - Ri Pi Ting Are You horny? - Yu Har Dik Youre just so stupid - Fak Ju I just get drunk so easy - On Li Tu Oh, Youve been smoking as well? - Ju Tu Hai Ive got something in my eye - Aut Mai Ai You explained that before, but finally I understand - Ai See Nau Listen baby, isnt that a pretty and romantic sky tonight? - Mun So Brait Lets get outta here and that fast as hell! - Fa Kin Run Oh, just look at that Ferrari! - Big Boi Toi Im just so horny - Ma Dik Big As I said before, Microsoft sucks! - Fa Kin Kom Pu Da I told You thats hes extremely ticklish! - Jum Pin Hai Hey buddy, I know its winter, but not THAT cold to pee outdoor - Wai Ju Ding So Tai Nee Ok listen, this got to look like an accident - Hit Mai Ai Hes cleaning his automobile - He Wa Shing Ka This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan Its very dark in here - Wai So Dim Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching Your body odor is so offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu I didnt know that You knew the lyrics to The Macarena - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song I got this for free - Ai No Pei Phew, this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding See me as soon as possible - Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man - Dum Fuk I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo Great - Fa Kin Su Pah Giving more than 100% Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Heres a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then, HARDWORK 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% KNOWLEDGE 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, ATTITUDE 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, BULLSHIT 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And look how far this will take you......

ASSKISSING 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% Think about it... and have a nice day at work. ADULT SEX QUIZ Q.) What doesnt belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob? A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you cant beat a blowjob. --Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. --Q.) Whats the speed limit of sex? A.) 68, because at 69 you have to turn around. --Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. --Q.) Whats the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! --Q.) Four words to ruin a mans ego... A.) "Is it in YET ?" --Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. --Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. --Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, youre screwed.

Some Hints for Women ... - If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach youre aiming too high. - Women dont make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. - The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: youre sick of him. - Never trust a man who says hes the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. - A womans work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. - Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. - A man who can dress himself without looking like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay. - Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. - Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee. - Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does. - Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman. - There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- theyd be wrong but you can still use them. - Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets. - Mens brains are like the prison system -not enough cells per man. - Husbands are like children -- theyre fine if theyre someone elses. - If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self. - Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have

it all put together, you find another piece but you dont know where it goes. You have two cows... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you dont know where they are.

You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. Sanity "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If theyre okay, then its you." Rita Mae Brown. Qs & As about Australia Australian Tourism Website The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much youve been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, its only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. Its a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: Its called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE dont stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay night-clubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first

Work like you don't need the money. Sing like no one is listening. Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you have never been hurt before. Live like it was your last day.

Accident reports "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have." "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it." "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert." "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him." "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car." "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal." "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wifes face." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Shopping A man was shopping in the mens department at Bloomingdales when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, - "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked - "And what do you want?" The man said, - "What I WANT is to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight, then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze you, and then run my hands along your inner thighs and run them up underneath your dress and come to your sweet love hole and lightly finger it and then simultaneously unbutton your blouse with my teeth and suck on your beautiful tits and then bite your nipples lightly.... ...What I NEED is a new tie!"

Profession Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions... The first guy says " Im a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,Ecologist The second guy says " Im a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...Double Income, No Kids Yet." The third guy says, " Im a R.U.B, you know...Rich, Urban, biker" They turn to the woman and ask her, "How about you?" She replies: " Im a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"

Why men cant win If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, its exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find

something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, its favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference. If you cry, youre a wimp. If you dont, youre insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination. If she asks you, its a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain. If you dont, youre a slob. If you buy her flowers, youre after something. If you dont, youre not thoughtful. If youre proud of your achievements, youre an egotist. If youre not, youre not ambitious. If she has a headache, shes tired. If you have a headache, you dont love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

Oops! Things You Dont Want to Hear During Surgery: Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night I cant remember when Ive been that drunk. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy. Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off. I wish I hadnt forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floors clean, right? What do you mean he wasnt in for a sex change! This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? What do you mean "You want a divorce"! I dont know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. Lets hurry, I dont want to miss "BayWatch" That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Of course Ive performed this operation before, Nurse!

High demands A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "Ill only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "Ill only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his

native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

As Time goes by Dating process: 6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U. 6 months : Of course I love U. 6 years : GOD, if I didnt love U, then why the hell did I propose? Back from Work: 6 weeks : Honey, Im home. 6 months : BACK!! 6 years : What did your mom cook for us today?? Gifts: 6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring. 6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room. ! 6 years : Heres the money. Buy yourself something. Phone Ringing: 6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone. 6 months : Here, for you. 6 years : PHONE RINGING. Cooking: 6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good! 6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight? 6 years : AGAIN!!!! Apology: 6 weeks : Honey muffin, dont you worry, Ill never hold this against you. 6 months : Watch out! Dont do it again. 6 years : Whats not to understand about what I just said?? New Dress: 6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress. 6 months : You bought a new dress again??? 6 years : How much did THAT cost me? Planning for Vacations: 6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound? 6 months : Whats so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6 years : Travel? Whats so bad about staying home? TV:

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight? 6 months : I like this movie. 6 years : Im going to watch ESPN, if youre not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

Advice to Men The reason our bras dont always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl. If were watching football with you, its not bonding. Were watching because of the cute butts. Dont fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. Please dont drive when youre not driving. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "Whos easy?" Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DONT CARE! Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

Doctors meeting A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems". The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to

hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients". The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want". The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me". The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Prison versus Work Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell. AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle. IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day. AT WORK............you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK............you could get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet. AT WORK............you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat. IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK............you arent even supposed to speak to your family. IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK............they are called managers.

Connection to God A 70-year-old man goes to the doctors for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God? And the man says, Oh me and God? Were tight. We have a real bond, hes good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off. Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the mans wife and said, Id like to speak to you about your husbands connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true? And she says, That idiot, hes been peeing in the refrigerator! Accident reports "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have." "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it." "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert." "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him." "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car." "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal." "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident." "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wifes face." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

10 Minutes Late So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, Id love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if hed like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As theyre getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but youre right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. Whats the story?" "Well," George says, "Im kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my

wife. If shes sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if shes sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if shes sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Well... Thats when Im about ten minutes late."

Some Hints for Women ... - If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach youre aiming too high. - Women dont make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. - The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: youre sick of him. - Never trust a man who says hes the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. - A womans work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. - Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. - A man who can dress himself without looking like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay. - Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. - Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee. - Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does. - Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman. - There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- theyd be wrong but

you can still use them. - Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets. - Mens brains are like the prison system -not enough cells per man. - Husbands are like children -- theyre fine if theyre someone elses. - If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self. - Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you dont know where it goes. One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentines card at the sto. In hopes that later, youd be my ho. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasnt $250 a night. 6. Youre a woman of style, youre a woman of class Especially when Im spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now Im fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass. 3. Youre a honey. . . and youre a cutie I just wished you had J-Los "booty". 2. I dont wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, lets do it, Im horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. Actual reasons for divorce A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission." A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. Therell be a recipe for your dinner at 7 oclock on Channel 2." A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language." A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriends house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."