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THE PIONEER LOG

BACKDOOR

February 8, 2013

You Caught My Eye

You: Like beer. Me: Wanna be drunk on you. You: Pretending every YCME is about you. Me: Making sure this one actually is.

You: Hottie from New Hampshire. Me: Hooked. You: Have a Fluttershy sticker on your mailbox. Me: Wishing you werent such a Rarity. You: Changed your relationship status on Facebook. Me: Interested In: You. You: Wearing a hat with cat-like ears. Me: Meee-ow. You: Girl who does the crossword in the Trail Room during lunch every day. Me: Always the next table over. Youre too cute.

You: Awkward. Me: More awkward. The Awkward: Multiplying, not cancelling. You: Cute drummer boy. Me: Wondering what else you know how to hit. You: Space scientist. Me: Wanna ride your moonbeam.

...in the FUTURE!

Jobs Kids Want

Backdo
The original missed connection. Submit to youcaughtmyeyeLC.blogspot.com

Now without The!

Meal Plans for Real Life Rich Kid waiting for hoverboard thinks other students are waiting for hoverboards, too
Boy, oh boy, oh boy! Just got the yellow slip in my MSC, my hoverboard is here! I sure wish this line wasnt so long. WHY IS THE LINE ALWAYS SO LONG?! Calm yourself, Percival! Calm yourself. Youll have to wait for your hoverboard like everyone else. M-S-C. Mmmmmmmmssscah. Mmscah. Why dont we call them mmscahs? I should ask the clerk. Oh! The sort of attractive girl is working. Boy, is that girl bad with faces. She never recognizes me! I guess I am a pretty typical customer. Hah! Remember when I got my dune buggy shipped here, and they marked the slip aslarge? Oh, mercy! Man, I guess Im not the only one who saw that CNN special. Everybodys getting a hoverboard! Even that fat kid! I wonder if they have a weight limit. I guess well find out soon. Oh! I should make sure to mark mine, so I dont grab someone elses outside the Bon. Look at this guy. Holding his two slips like hes some kind of big shot. What is he even gonna use the second hoverboard for? Now thats extravagance. And think, theres probably some poor kid in Mexico, Indonesia or Vancouver, WA, wholl caddy at the country club for months saving up because his family can only afford to go in halfsies on such purchases. That poor chap will go online, only to find that the hoverboards are sold out. Because of this guy. Mr. Two Hoverboards. WHY WONT THIS LINE MOVE?!? Hey! Sort of attractive clerk! Nobody cares that you and thisfriend of yours are in the same Intro to Sociology. Maybe you should have taken Intro to Doing Your Job instead! Quit asking him to lend you his book. Yours hasnt come, you say? Hah. Books dont simply come, you idiot. They dont have legs, you know. You must walk (or hoveroard) to the bookstore like everyone else and make the bookstore clerk retrieve them for you while you shop the Lewis & Clark branded accoutrements for mother! Dont you realize were all waiting for hoverboards here!?

Firemen arent gonna be an option in the future, because either: A) all firemen on the planet will have been replaced with robots, or B) the entire world will be on fire all the time, making them obsolete.

Policemen? Same basic issue. In the future well either be living as slaves under a robot overlord that started as the head of the police department, or the only thing left on the planet will be crazed murderers, thus rendering cops useless.

EATING
Greetings to all, I am David Bonheur, Chief Bone at Bone Appetite Industries. I understand that Lewis & Clark is full of sensible sophomores and juniors who are generally good at basic decision-making. Accordingly, I understand that most of you are going to live offcampus next year. But please, consider a continuation of your on-campus living experience. I know youve been doing it for two years and are sick of it, but, allow me to entice you with food. As an experienced man of bones, I have formulated a new meal plan, which is unquestionable in its desirability. I call it the Never Stop Eating meal plan. This meal plan is only available to rising upperclassmen and is effective immediately upon entering any Bone establishment (Bonestablishment). There is no limit to the number of times you can eat, and in fact, we want you to eat as much as possible. To help you, we will hire a professional counselor to encourage you to continue eating, even when youre full. They will appeal to your character as a liberal arts college student by saying things like think about Africa. You will also have a troupe of child servants, whom we call Little Bones. The Little Bones can fetch you food at the wave of your hand. They also respond to basic commands, such as sit, dance and attack. And dont worry! The Little Bones are fed organic, vegan diets, so the operation is completely sustainable. Again, do NOT worry about the Little Bones. I treat them adequately.

STOP

NEVER

DONT SUE
James Bond will not be remembered after Skyfall. When he stops drinking martinis, the world stops caring, so hes not going to be an option for future kids

Ice-cream men will hopefully have been abolished, because of those damn tinkly trucks, and train conducting is already an embarrassing job. I mean, planes. Come on.

A guide to slang you may hear around LC

Local Lingo
noun

DONT SUE
Batman and Spiderman will always be cool, but in the future, technology will allow anybody to do even the most complicated super-maneuver imaginable so kids arent going to care. So. Great. Now Im depressed. Our grandchildren will be miserable, because at this point, I cant think of any job existing in the future other than nuclear shit collector.

Schleg
1. A short leg. Damn that girl got a shleg. 2. A penis. Damn that girl got a shleg.

The Backdoor is a work of humor and fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental. The Backdoor is created by Isaac, Caitlin, Kevin, David, Justin & Jake. If youre reading this off the floor of a bathroom, make sure to wash your hands. For more hygiene tips, contact the editor at jakesimonds@lclark.edu.