Power Tool: Collapsed Distinctions

Power Tool Assessment

Name: Trish Brooks Date: April 9, 2012 Student ID: 265969 Email: trishbrooks@sympatico.ca

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Power Tool: Collapsed Distinctions

Collapsed Distinctions: A Tool for Uncovering Perspectives

ICA Power Tools present two opposing perspectives to the client so that underlying beliefs/behaviours can be explored and the potential for change is opened up. The Power Tool that will be discussed here is Collapsed Distinctions. A collapsed distinction occurs when a person is not distinguishing between two emotions/beliefs/concepts. The collapse of the two emotions/belief/concepts is often a barrier to moving the client forward. By pulling apart the two ideas, and exploring the two different perspectives, awareness is created, and new opportunities can emerge. Examples will make the concept clearer. Collapsed Distinction #1: Love and Worry A frequently occurring collapsed distinction is love and worry. The worry referred to here could be labelled parental worry. Here is an excerpt from a coaching conversation that shows the collapse of the distinction between love and worry. Coach: What makes you so worried? Client: If I worry about him then that shows how much I love him. It shows Im concerned about his welfare. Coach: Can you love him without worrying about him? Client: Wouldnt that mean I didnt love him? Worry proves I care. The collapse of the distinction between love and worry is evident in the discussion above. Instead of being two independent emotions, their spaces overlap significantly (Figure 1). The person believes that worry is a necessary part of love.

Figure 1

If the coach is supporting the client to worry less, without separating the collapsed distinction, then it would like saying love less, and the client would have difficulty moving forward. The distinction between love and worry must be discovered before the client can move forward to a state of less worrying.

Brooks (265969)

Power Tool: Collapsed Distinctions

Lets examine the two perspectives underlying the collapsed distinction in more detail. Perspective (1): Worry is a necessary component of love (collapsed distinction). There is a strong cultural bias in North American culture that worrying about children goes hand in hand with loving them. But in truth, parental love is far more powerful without worry than with it. Sometimes worry is seen as a form of struggle, and the more the more a person suffers and struggles, the more that demonstrates love. Cant you see how much Im suffering? is synonymous for Cant you see how much I love you? Does worrying really make the child safer? In fact it doesnt. Worry focuses energy on what you don't want rather than on what you do want. Does worry teach your child something important and useful? The message to the child is that you expect bad things to happen, and it puts the child in a state of fear. And the statistics indicate that the worry is often not based on reality. For example, parents often worry about abduction (odds are 1 in 200,000) but have much less fear driving about their child around in a car (odds of death in a car crash are 1 in 8000)1. As Mark Twain said I lived a life of many terrible things, most of which never happened. If this perspective is analyzed it becomes quickly apparent that worry cannot possibly help anything. Worry and fear close the heart. They limit the ability to experience life fully. Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. (Leo Buscaglia). Worrying may even lead to a selffulfilling prophecy. Perspective (2:) Love without worry (no collapse). The more powerful perspective is that a person can love someone without having to worry. This perspective separates the distinction between love and worry (Figure 2). The parent can still be vigilant, and take reasonable precautions to ensure safety. However, this vigilance can be done with a relaxed energy of this makes sense to do. The focus is shifted to what is desired (e.g., a safe car ride), rather than on what is not wanted (e.g., a car crash). Before long a more hopeful, optimistic energy can emerge, and the heart can open more fully. That has much more benefit to the child.

Figure 2

http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/worry-less-love-more

Brooks (265969)

Power Tool: Collapsed Distinctions

Collapsed Distinction #2: Understanding and Agreement It is not only emotions that can be collapsed. Behaviours can also be collapsed. For example, a behavioural collapsed distinction that frequently occurs is understanding and agreement. You can understand someone without agreeing with them. If the coach is supporting the client to be more understanding without separating the collapsed distinction, then it would like saying agree more and the client would have difficulty moving forward. The distinction between love and worry must be discovered before the client can move forward to a state of increased understanding. Lets explore the two perspectives in more detail. Perspective (1): Understanding someone means I agree with them (collapsed distinction). The behaviors of understanding are seen similar to those for agreeing. If I ask them questions about their idea, theyll think that I agree with them. If this is believed a person may not get curious about the ideas of others; they might not ask questions; they might not listen effectively. They may miss the solutions that others have for their problems. In fact you can listen effectively to someone, and ask lots of questions, and that does not mean you agree with them. Agreement and understanding are two distinct concepts.

Perspective (2): If can ask questions, and truly understand the opinion of another person, and this does not mean that I agree with them (no collapse). A person with this belief can listen with the intent of understanding. There are at least three benefits of this kind of listening. (i) Two heads are better than one. Innovation springs from diversity of thought. Listening will allow better solutions to emerge. (ii) Developing an understanding is an act of empathy, and it will benefit the relationship. (iii) A person is more likely to listen to you if they feel heard first, so you increase the likelihood of being heard.

Collapsed Distinction #3: Equal and Same It is not only emotions and behaviours that can be collapsed. Concepts can also be collapsed. The collapse of the distinction between two concepts can lead to ineffective behaviours and emotions. For example, equal and same are two concepts that are often collapsed. Just because people are equal (in value), does not mean you have to treat them the same. But some people have collapsed these two

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Power Tool: Collapsed Distinctions concepts, and they tend to think that it is necessary to treat people the same to demonstrate equality. The distinction between equal and same must be discovered before the client can move forward. Lets examine the two perspectives in more detail. Perspective (1: ) People are equal, so you need to treat them the same (collapsed distinction). An example of this is a parent who gives both children a gift when it is only the birthday of one of the children. Organizations demonstrate this perspective when they assign quotas to jobs based on gender. There should be the same number of men and women in a certain job type (e.g., police officers).

Perspective (2): People are valued equally, and their diversity is respected. Organizations would not look for equal quotas in jobs for men and women, and would respect that the interests of the individual. We may never have a world where 50% of nurses are men, and 50% of auto mechanics are women. In this perspective differences and preferences are respected, and there is the same pay for the same work.

Collapsed Distinctions: General During the coaching session the collapsed distinctions will be seen by the coach. The collapse of the two emotions/belief/concepts is often a barrier to moving the client forward. By pulling apart the two ideas, and exploring the two different perspectives, awareness is created, and new opportunities can emerge. There are countless collapsed distinctions that exist. For example, Time=Love is another frequent collapsed distinction. If you loved me, youd want to spend all your time with me. Spending time with your friends means that you dont love me. The role of the coach is not to remember these countless collapsed distinctions, but instead to remember that collapsed distinctions is a powerful tool. The perspectives, with and without the collapsed distinction, can be explored and awareness can be brought to the beliefs underlying the collapsed distinction. Action forward is now possible. Here is a process that could be used to separate the collapsed distinction: (1) Coach observes that there is likely a collapsed distinction between two emotions/ideas/behaviours, and that the collapse is likely in the way of the client reaching their goals. (2) Explore one of the perspectives (e.g., love/ worry) to discover the underlying beliefs and bring awareness. Love and worry are used in this example, but these two words can just be replaced by whatever the collapsed distinction is. What does love mean to you? What does worry mean to you? Does love require worry? If you love is it automatic that you will worry? Is there a choice? What benefit do you get from worrying about someone you love? Is this true? What is the downside of believing this? What would happen if you didnt believe this? Questions to deal with the downside. For example: Are there ways to ensure safety without worrying? (3) Explore the other perspective (e.g., I can love without worry) using similar questions. Brooks (265969) 5

Power Tool: Collapsed Distinctions The change in perspective caused by bringing awareness to the collapsed distinction can happen in an instant. Clients may even inadvertently pick up the tool of collapsed distinctions, and use it to self-diagnose other problems. For example, after supporting a client to understand her love-worry collapsed distinction, she understood immediately the power of unlocking the collapse. In the following week she discovered another collapsed distinction that was in her way, and didnt even need coaching to separate the ideas. She had learned the tool of collapsed distinctions herself. Bottom line: Unlocking collapsed distinctions is a powerful tool for coaches.

Brooks (265969)