Due to a technical glitch, some pieces and passages were omitted from

the book. They are reprinted in this insert.

B orn With a
C riminal Record
by R ichard B otcher

I was b or n wi th a cr iminal record.

M y bir th was something,

Only the Lord could afford.

B ec ause he k new me b efore,

And exac tly where,

I c ame out of the long dar k Fjord.

Happy am I,

To b e brought into his light.

For the rest of my days,

I shall sing of his might.

At the end of it all,

I will stand tall.

For with the r ise of dawn,

I will b e holding a pardon

ii
 My secret cabin
M y secret c abin is off the b eaten path. Far from the
nearest drop off p oint, it is a five day hik e through
forest. A com pass is needed to find the way. I t is a ver y
sp ecial place, for fr iendly spir its live there. Near the
c abin is an unusual tree, spr ing water flows up from
under neath its ro ots. I hik e in and out of the c abin all
summer long, bringing in supplies for the winter. Peace
and tranquility can be found at my cabin. I'd like to take
you there, but as I said, my secret cabin is off the beaten
path. R ichard B otcher

Catacombs of the M ind

In this troubled world, some of us have been traumatized from
an early age. The physical and emotional abuse suffered by
children, at the hands of a parent, can continue into adolescence.

We carry this pain into adulthood. Some never reach their full
potential, nor experience a true love or have children of our own.

We are a broken people, who do not cope well with the world
around us. Labeled and medicated, there are many who try to
help us.

Some of us reach out towards that help, while others close

their door. There are many rooms in the mind, filled with dark
secrets, and no-one has the key to open them. And that is why
there are catacombs of the mind. RTB

iii
Many Voices and Images

stories from survivors

Copyright © 2009 by Houselink

Published by
Houselink Community Homes
805 Bloor St. W. Toronto, On. M6G 1L8
416-539-0690
info@houselink.on.ca

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be

reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means,
or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the
prior written permission of the publisher.

Editor: Max Wallace

Cover design and book layout: Joe Ward
Printed and bound in Canada.

http://www.manyvoicesandimages.org
Contents
Introduction 6
Voices 9
How supportive housing changed my life, Philip Dufresne 10
Diane’s personal story, Diane Onley 15
Just inadequate!, John Laliberte 17
A short personal psyche/bio, Peter Chin 22
Roadways to recovery 26
How to champion schizophrenia, Michael Alzamora 28
My transition, Youssef 32
Crazy in Chicago (a true story), Doug 38
My story, Andrea Inoue 46
Changes, Mark Guttridge 48
About homelessness: a treatise, Maureen Gregory 50
Warning, Margaret Breckenridge 52
Golden years spent with Houselink, Joe Clarke 56
Annie, Heinz Klein 61
Only breathing (for Annie), P. Heuzenroeder, N. Nicholson, H.E. Klein 63
Disillusioned, Pippa Boyd 64
Poetry 67
A journey to finish, Maria Carino 68
I am a shell of a man, Turning to a fresh new page, Colin Shaw 69
Sojourn, Looking out the window, Karen Leblanc 70
Mountain, Crack Control, Paulette Johnson 72
High eh!, Penny Mathews 74
To my friend, Rita Grotsky 76
P is for persistent, Ross Dean 78
Beauty in people, Lestor M. Lewis 80
Memoir 83
A memoir, Charly 84
The Dream Team 117
The Dream Team: ten years of battling the stigma of mental illness 118
Linda Chamberlaine 120
Neil McQuaid 122
Hugh Cameron 126
Aldo Cianfarani 130
Mark Shapiro 134
Brian Harper 138
Heather Cunningham 142
Dennis Morency 146
Dawn D’Cruz 150
Jane Pritchard 153
Lisa Garel 156
Margaret Redford 159
Peter Lye 162
Esther Mwangi 165
Bob Coulter 168
Colin Shaw 170
 Introduction
by Peggy Birnberg- Executive Dire c tor, H ouselink

I love Houselink. I t's a ve r y unique org anization and

attrac ts amazing people. I love the work , i.e. providing
good quality suppor tive housing to people who are
psychiatric consumer sur vivors, our incredible staff, our
volunteers, and our members who are psychiatric
consumer sur vivors. I feel especially privileged to have
b een invited to write this introduction and, in this way, to
be a small par t of this innovative book projec t.

All of us have a stor y, and of course, each stor y is

dif ferent. But one of the most exceptional things about
Houselink members is that their stories always have an
underlying theme of courage and strength. Living with
mental illness and in pover t y tests the human body and
soul to its limit. Yet somehow our members find a way to


 be hopeful, caring, and creative, and to define their own
paths to Recove r y.

I have learned many things from our members over the

years I've been at Houselink. I have had endless
oppor tunities to get to k now them both in ter ms of the
wo r k I h ave done, and personally. I am a better person for
this. I look at the world diff erently. I see Houselink
through a different lens, and I approach my personal life
in a different way.

Through the stor ies in this book , you will have a rare
o ppor tunity to take the experiences that our members
generously share and apply them to your own
think ing and lives.

Kudos to the members who shared their stories. We will

all be richer for reading them. Sincere thanks to Max
Wallace, the book projec t coordinator who is an author
himself and encouraged, suppor te d, and shared his sk ill
with the members who par ticipated. To J o e Wa rd for his
amazingly creative graphic design and layout. To our staff
Jack ie R ank ine and Naomi Berlyne, my sincere
appreciation for your wonder ful ideas and ongoing work
with our members. And thanks too to Scott Russell who
always responds to our ma ny and va r ied requests for
assistance.

E n j o y t h e stories. They are truly amazing!


VO

IC
ES
 H ow Suppor tive Housing
C hanged My Life
By Phillip Dufresne

When I was 10 years old, I moved from a small town

in Alber ta to Montreal. I was now in a new city and
was going to a new school and didn't k now
any b o dy. The other k ids at school all ignored me
because I just didn't seem to have the same
interests as they did. That is when I began to notice
that I was different than ever yone else.

As time went on, I lost all confidence in myself and

b e c a m e ver y withdrawn. I avoided people whenever
I could because I didn't feel comfor table around
anyone else. I managed to get through high school
and universit y, but it was a struggle. M y m a r k s were
never as good as they should have been because I
had difficulty keeping up with the work load.

Af ter graduating with a B.A. in Anthropology from

10
 Concordia University in Montreal, I moved to
Toronto to look for work . I saw ever yone around me
getting jobs, getting married, having children,
buying a house and buying a car. I wasn't doing any of
these things. My life seemed to come to a standstill. I
thought that there was something wrong with me
because I wasn't like everyone else.

The only type of jobs I could ever get were

minimum wage, unsk illed labour jobs that kept me
living in pover t y. This made me ver y frustrated.
When I decided not to do this type of work any more, I
began to look for other jobs, but couldn't find anything
that was suited to me.

M y f r u s t ration turned to anger. I got into ma ny

fights with my family and they had me committed to
Sunnybrook Ps ychiatric Wa rd for three days against
my will because they thought that I was having a
ner vous breakdown.

The do c tors wanted to diagnose me and put me on

medication but I fought them the whole time that I
was in the hospital. The more that I fought them,
the more they were convinced that I was dangerous.
The do c tors and nurses always brought two guards
along with them when they wanted to talk to me
because they were afraid that I would hit somone. I
never hit anyone because I am not a violent person.
I was just angr y because I was being held in the

11
 hospital against my will. Af ter refusing treatment
for three days, the do c tors let me go home.

Unable to find work , I was evic ted from my

apar tment and ended up on the street. At first, I
b egan to wonder what I had done that was so
terrible that I deser ved to live on the street. Then, I
star ted to look at the whole pic ture. For the first
time in my life, I realized that there wasn't just
something wrong with me. There was something
wrong with the entire economic, social and political
system.

That is the reason why I never did things like other

p eople. I t wasn't that I couldn't be like other
p eople, I was just look ing for something better.
Howeve r, this attitude made me an outcast.

Living on the street changed my entire outlook on

life. I t made me more determined than ever to fight
p ove r t y and injustice. This fight also made me a
stronger person in the process.

Nobody ever thinks they will end up on the street,

but it can happen to anybody because there are
many things in life you have no control ov er.
W ithout a place to live, you can't do anything with
your life. You can't get a job, go to school or take
proper care of your health. You also become ver y
isolated. So your social and employment skills don't

12
 develop properly. I t's like being locked up in a
closet for several years and then being released.
You may never be able to adjust to society because
of all the abuse you have suffered.

Af ter living on the street for one year and in a

single room in a house for 2 years, my COTA Hostel
Outreach worker helped me get into suppor tive
housing at H ouselink Community Homes. That's
when my life began to turn around.

Not only has Houselink given me decent affordable

housing and suppor t ser vices, it has given me an
oppor tunity to dev elop sk ills I never had a chance
to use. This led to my wo r k o n t h e D r e a m Team,
H omeComing Community Choice Coal ition, and the
Ontario Non-Profit Housing Association (ONPHA)
B oard.

I am also a for m e r President of the Houselink Board

and former Chairperson of the Toronto East
Counselling and Suppor t S e r vice ( TEC SS) Board.

These volunteer groups see qualities in me nobody

else has ever noticed before and they praise my
wo r k. S o, for the first time in my life, I am
developing confidence in myself and I'm getting a
chance to help out other people as well as myself. I
also enjoy the volunteer work that I do. I never felt
this way about any paid job. This made me realize

13
 that I was put on this ear th to do volunteer wor k. I
never fit into mainstream jobs. I f I hadn't ended up
on the street, I never would have realized that. The
year that I sp e nt on the street was the worst year of
my life, but it gave my life meaning.

When you've lived on the street lik e m e, getting a

place to live is a miracle b ec ause you think you'll
never have a place to live again. H ouselink houses
and supp or ts 500 memb ers nob o dy else c an and
therefore has p er for med 500 miracles. Af ter living
on the street, anything p ositive that happ ens to me
is a miracle b ec ause I could just have easily ended
up dead. I would not b e alive to day without
supp or tive housing. Thank you H ouselink.

14
 Dianne's Personal Stor y
of R ecover y
By D ianne Onley

I have lived in H ouselink for over 20 years. I

rememb er the excitement and enthusiasm of living
somewhere where I was par t of the communit y. We
were embraced as memb ers and told that we were
stak eholders in the organization. Therefore the
housing b elonged to us to o. I rememb er living in a
house not owned by H ouselink that wasn't k ept up
by the landlord and how af ter a year we were all
moved to a H ouselink-owned house. What
excitement! We had a landlord who c ared and
encouraged us to tak e an interest and major role in
our housing. M ak e sure to phone and rep or t repairs
and b e listened to and resp ec ted. What a difference
from the pr ivate housing mar k et. The staff was ver y
supp or tive. We even had their home phone numb ers

15
 back then and could phone them dur ing
emergencies. We were encouraged to live as a
communit y and family with our housemates and to
supp or t and help one another.

I have b een o n this jour ney for the past t went y

years. I t was a jour ney of self-discover y and tr ying
to heal. I just didn't have a name for it. G oing to the
rap sessions gave me understanding and validation
of what I was doing. I found out that it was ok ay to
have an opinion, and a say in what was b est for me.
I t was a jour ney of self-deter mination,
self-resp onsibilit y, self-advo c ac y, and hop e. I t was
ver y lib erating, and exciting. H ere are a few of the
things that I found out were so ver y impor tant to me:

To b e sure of my pr ior ities and needs. Are they

really mine or, or are they what others want for me?
D o I want or need a job to get b etter, or are some
other organizations pushing me that way? I don't
need or want a job to b e a wor thwhile and fulfilling
memb er of so ciet y. That is not where my self wor th
comes from. I t comes from inside me, my values,
morals, and goals, etc. The same things that are
imp or tant to the rest of so ciet y. You also have to b e
as clear and concise as p ossible ab out your
concer ns, wishes, goals, etc.

Tak e par t in your own healing and the decisions

that affec t your life.

16
 Just I nadequate!
By J ohn Lal ib er te

Af ter b eing evic ted from that fur nished ro om, the
bar ren b ench was great supp or t, at least for his
back, consider ing the meager aid he had gotten
elsewhere. Once up on a time, you only b ec ame a
numb er if you were in pr ison, scho ol, an institution,
or a p olic yholder of a ver y large insurance company.
Well that has all changed now! The hundreds of
homeless fol ks waiting for relief from their destitute
existence have b een dealt a fur ther unsympathetic
blow. They have b een ousted off the b enches at
Nathan Phillips S quare. Now gone, it was one of the
last safe outdo or havens, in a public area, with high
visibilit y and the p erceived comfor ts of sleeping in
that choice of habitat. M any p eople rememb er that
space fondly.

17
 One of the most common opinions ab out why the
cit y instituted this p olic y was that it was a purely
p olitic al move. They simply wanted the homeless
folks on those b enches around the square out of
sight of the to ur ists visiting Cit y Hall this year. No
other consideration was given. S o once again, all
those p eople were forced to face the nightmar ish
prosp ec t of wor r ying whether there was a space for
them in a nearby hostel. I f not, what were their
other options, if any? D id anyone consider that they
had chosen the op en ground of the square as a safe
alter native to the dangers, aggravation and daily
frustrations of hostel living?

All, or at least most, of the accessible and free help

or refer ral ser vices are downtown. I t is true that
some rather athletic and inventive folks have "set
up house" under br idges around town. H owever,
there are not a lot of them! I mean the folks that c an
handle it, or the numb er of br idges within reach of
the downtown area.

D o es ever yone have to lo ok for his or her own

clump of bushes? H ell, at least a quar ter of the folks
out now already have done that. D igging out a
hovel in the centre of some plants or bush on
someb o dy's lawn, or nex t to the pathway in a par k.

18
 Keep this in mind the nex t time you are out
walk ing your p et and for a moment, you think the
bush nex t to you is snor ing! S ome p eople have
wedged themselves b ehind or b et ween buildings
where nothing could visit or even easily get at
them, except p er haps a k itten, mouse, or squir rel.

S o on the par k clear ings with their t wo or three

trees and healthy spatter ing of bushes will remind
you of a scene from an old Monty Python skit. When
the 'sandwich folks' or the help van comes along and
shouts out to anyone either known or guessed living
there, "Does anybody need coffee or tea? Soup or
some band-aid s? Condoms or a blank et? Want a
SI eeping bag? Anyone...?" Suddenly and ever so
slowly individual heads will ner vously p op out from
selec t clumps of greener y, mayb e r ight in front of
them where no one had previously b een visible, and
c all out "I do" or "over here!" All suspiciously
waiting for the proverbial fo ot to come down r ight
then and squash them where they stand or an
explosive missile launched just seconds ago from
somewhere out of view, to come sailing at them and
blow them to k ingdom come! Talk ab out the need
for a change in I ifest yle. No one has to tie you up,
pull your teeth out, or cut you with a razor to feel
lik e you are b eing tor tured. I t just is. The day-to-day
chores of the disp ossessed p erson, tr ying to get

19
 by in some areas of this cit y — or while a guest of
some supp or t ser vice or drop-in— mak e it a
challenge to just sur vive until the nex t mor ning.
Sure, there have b een some deaths from the
elements.

O thers lef t the living of their own doing or from

illness. B ut what ab out those who were murdered?
Not from greed or jealousy or as an ac t of revenge
but b ec ause they were the inno cent vic tims of
circumstance; in the wrong place at the wrong time.

There are memb ers of the public and in Cit y

Council who wish these p ersons and the problems
they br ing would just disapp ear. I f David
Copp er field could do it, I am willing to suggest cit y
council would tr y to hire him.

The realit y is that, as the burgeoning numb ers of

homeless p eople continue to grow and available
spaces dwindle, the only solution I c an see is a
drastic, rapid change in housing. I t will not b e
conjured by magic!

20
 A SHOR T P E R S O N A L PSY C H / B I O
by Peter C hin

M y name is Peter and I live in H ouselink's

Davenp or t building. I've b een diagnosed as a
paranoid schizophrenic, therefore I don't k now how
much of the content of this psych/bio is real or just
delusional.

To gain any understanding of this mental disabilit y,

it is necessar y to have some k ind of p ersonalit y
profile of someone who ac tually has this illness. I'd
lik e to share mine with you.

All the psychiatr ists I've had tell me that the onset
of schizophrenia star ts out ver y ear ly in the teenage
years, so that is where I'll b egin. The paranoid
delusions I have and which p ersists ever y wak ing
moment of my life to this ver y day star ted in high
scho ol. M ayb e it was my fault, but due to my
circumstances I didn't exac tly go out to tr y and

22
 mak e any fr iends in scho ol. S omething that only
contributes to a paranoid view of your sur roundings.

I don't k now how much you k now ab out the 60's

and ear ly 70's, but that was when I grew up. At that
p oint in Canadian histor y (and p er haps to var ying
degrees to day), there was quite a lot of veiled
racism towards visible minor ities, despite the p eace
and flower p ower movement that was in vo gue at
the time. I t is my exp er ience that there is go o d and
bad in all groups of p eople no matter where you go
in this wor ld, so I am not tr ying to single out all
Canadians as bigots, which I realize would also b e
prett y prejudiced on my par t.

When I was b or n, it had only b een a little more

than a dec ade since the end of the second wor ld
war, and there was a prett y negative attitude
towards p eople of Asian descent which lingered on
into the late 60's and ear ly 70's – my years in high
scho ol. B y and far, most of the k ids were ver y nice to
me, but somehow, I still felt alienated from them.
Probably a sign that my illness was tak ing hold.
There was a general opinion that if you confronted
someone who was Asian, he would always run. A slur
that was used was that someone was Yellow if he
back ed away from a fight – a direc t reference to the
Chinese. I guess to tr y and change that, I
overcomp ensated. I t made me feel strong to not
need or dep end on anyone else, so I b ec ame a loner
and stuck to myself – a common b ehaviour

23
 among paranoid schizophrenics.

The fo cus of my paranoid delusions center around

a slight/insult, real or imagined, where I snubb ed
t wo gir ls in the scho ol. The fr iends of one of the
gir ls in par ticular did not hold back in showing their
contempt and dislik e for me. R ight up to the present
day, I feel they are constantly tr ying to tur n as many
p eople against me as p ossible. I think you probably
realize how isolating and threatening that would b e.

M y first of approximately seven suicide attempts

over the years b egan in the summer of 1976. In
1977, I was given a ser ies of elec tr ic sho ck
treatments (psychiatr ists tr y to mak e it sound
har mless by gi ving it the p olitic ally cor rec t lab el
"elec tro-convulsive therapy." To their credit, though,
they did give me a muscle relaxing anaesthetic ...
ver y thoughtful of them) for severe depression,
which, I might add, was a direc t result of the
Stellazine they were giving me for my
schizophrenia. This drug, lik e so many other
anti-psychotics I was given over the years, had many
unb earable side effec ts. One of the worst was
restlessness, a condition where you would feel lik e
sitting down, but as so on as you did, you would
have the uncontrollable urge to get up again. I t
sounds absolu tely comic al, but only someone who
has exp er ienced this side effec t for themselves
k nows how mentally excruciating it is. Psychiatr ists
would think t wice b efore so c asually tak ing out

24
 their prescr iption pads if they had to live with the
medic ations they prescr ib e for a week or t wo.

I have b een stabilized for almost 20 ye ars now,

living a full rewarding life and enjoying myself
despite my paranoid/delusional complex, thanks in
large par t due to the excellent rent-geared-to-
income housing provided by H ouselink.

S omething I urge anyone with a mental illness who

is reading this bio to do is to lo ok into the drug-free
or thomolecular/naturopathic approach. I t is
something I am tr ying for the first time and I hop e
it wor ks for me. R espiradal, which is the drug I am
on now, is way ab ove any anti-psychotic I have ever
tak en in ter ms of side effec ts. In spite of this, I feel
from previous exp er ience that the only go o d drug is
no drug at all.

To end this ... just k idding ... I would lik e to mak e a

comment ab out 999 Q ueen St. The name patients
used for the for mer mental health facilit y now
k nown as C AMH(Q ueen St. site). Isn't it ironic that in
R evelations, the B iblic al "mar k of the b east" is 666?
S ome p eople may think this quite amusing, but I
just think it is a sad commentar y on the long, dar k
histor y of that institution.

To all the consumer/sur vivors out there ... I hop e

you ar r ive in b etter circumstances at the end of
your troubled jour ney. I f not in this lifetime, then
cer tainly in another lifetime!

25
 Roadways to Recover y
H ouselink held a large recover y meeting on
O c tober 23, 2006.
During a brainstorm ac tivity the following
question was posed to the par ticipants:
“ WHAT WOULD YOUR PERSONAL DREAM OF
RECOVERY LOOK LIKE?”
Here are the answers people gave :
We l lness
H aving a home
Standing up for yourself
Resilience
Exercise, take vitamins
G et off medication
S e l f - reflec tion
Making new friends; keeping old ones
E m p loy ment
S e l f - c a re; eating healthy food
Reducing medication as much as possible
H o p e; self-help
D o n ' t l e t a nyone tell you you can't do something
Independence
Learn to drive
H av ing fun
Listen to music
In order to succeed turn negative ex p e r i e n ce
into positive

26
 Understanding loss
Reach out and help others
Ever yo ne has talent
Fresh air
G et rid of negativity
Challenging stereotypes and norms
Reco gnition for volunteer work
Po s itive ways to realizing a nger
M ov ing away from negativity and towards
p ositivism
Expressing yourself through ar t
S etting limits and boundaries
G e t t i n g rest
O verco ming adversit y
Willing to ta ke risks
Ac k n owledge your own process
Choosing leadership role in one's life
O vercoming stress
Individualize re cove r y
Can't compare yourself to others
Responsibility for yourself
B eing grateful for what you have
Ask ing for help is impor tant and no
sign of defeat
Be proud of yourself

27
 H o w t o C h a m p i o n S c h i zophrenia
by Michael Alzamora

Living with schizophrenia has not been easy for me.

In fac t, I have been living with the illness for ten
years. Not until now can I say that I have made
enough progress to call myself high func tioning. I
would lik e to share my life stor y with you in the
hope that you learn from my experiences and won't
take ten years to become healthy.

The first step on my road to reco ver y was to

accept that I had schizophrenia. This was by far the
most difficult step I took. I was in denial for seven
of the past ten years. Once I accepted my illness, I
asked myself where do I go from here.

First, I had to accept the responsibility of taking my

medication regularly so that I could think clearly and make
important decisions that will affect the rest of my life.

28
 I asked my psychiatrist what should be my nex t
step af ter becoming mentally stable. She
recommended that I should sta r t mak ing goals. M y
do c tor re fe rred me to what is called a case manager
for this purpose. Having my do c tor at the Clarke
Institute, it was easy for me to get a case manager.
The purpose of a case manager is to encourage and
guide the client to enter society and contribute as
much as he or she can. A case manager is usually an
o ccupational therapist or social worker.

B efo re tack ling any more goals, my case manager

suggested that I should begin with small modest
ones. We agreed that these goals should be hobby
related; that is, find an ac tivity you like and follow it
from beginning to end. M a k e s u re you pick
something you enjoy. Star ting and ending a task is
ver y g o o d fo r the self-esteem. The ac tivities I
under took were painting and par ticipating in the
Clarke Institute drama group. The rewards I reaped
from these two ac tivities were an increase in self-
esteem and new-found confidence.

Once I reached a healthy mental state, my case

manager and I decided that I was ready to take a
computer co urse to upgrade my education and
become employable.

M y f i r s t volunteer job was as an assistant

computer network administrator. I worked a f ew

29
 months in that computer firm and did ver y poorly. I
did not give up. I found another volunteer job in a
mental health organization. I do clerical and computer
work, and have been work ing there for over a year,
and I'm still going strong.

Now that I'm almost fully integrated into society,

the shame of schizophrenia has gone away. I have
become a spokesperson on schizophrenia and have
continued to develop my ar tistic and ac ting talent.

This year the Life Television Network did a shor t

documentar y about me in which I spe ak about ar t
through the eyes of a man with schizophrenia.

30
 MY TRANSITION FROM
CONVEN TIONAL TREATMENT OF
MENTAL HEALTH TO AN
ALTERNATIVE APPR OACH
by Youssef

This stor y is about my transition from conventional

treatment for seve re depression af ter my divorce. I
was prescribed various antidepressants,
B enzodiazep ams and SSRI's to provide me with
relief, but the side effec ts af ter long term use were
serious enough for me to explore an alternative
approach. This under tak ing was a long and rigorous
journey that involved tak ing a va r iety of vitamins to
treat and prevent my depression. I als o changed my
diet, and exercised daily as a tool to improve my
mental health. I prac ticed yoga and used
acupuncture to reduce my stress and ease my anxiet y.

32
 I cannot thank my family do c tor enough for his
never ending concern about my health. I t was
during my annual checkup in March 2002 that he
told me that the size of my breast was ve r y
abnormal for a man. He told his secretar y to book a
mammography test at the Toronto East G eneral
H ospital because he said that some old Tr ic yclic
Antidepressants like Doxe pin, also k nown as
Sinequan, can cause significant breast enlargement.
Af ter a period of high anxiety while waiting for the
result, I received a phone call from my family
physician that ever ything was ok. He stressed the
need that I be monitored by an oncologist. This
painful experience triggered in me these
fundamental questions:

Were all these medications I have been tak ing for

many years the source of a much bigger problem?

Confused and ver y concerned, I spoke to two

H ouselink staff workers. One told me to visit
http://www.truehope.com and gave me the name of
a book called Yo u r D r u g M a y B e Your Problem: H o w
and why to stop taking psychiatric medications by
Pe ter R. Breggin, MD and David Cohen, Ph D.

Needless to say, this book became one of the most

impor tant I have ever read. I star ted to catalogue
and research ever y single Benzodiazepam, TeA, SSRI

33
 and Neuroleptic that I had b een prescr ib ed in the
past dec ade. What I found made me sick, angr y and
baffled. The second part of my research was focused on
finding a natural pro duc t k nown to b e effec tive as
an alter native treatment to depression and other
for ms of mental illness. M y daily diet in the contex t
of the or thomolecular asp ec t was also ver y
imp or tant. Linus Pauling used the ter m
"or thomolecular" for the first time in 1968 in his
Science rep or t c alled "Or thomolecular Psychiatr y."
It's basically a nutritional approach in balancing body
chemistr y through diet, nutrition and exercise.

I stopp ed dr ink ing c affeine, sof t dr inks such as

Cok e and stopp ed eating junk fo o d. Yo ga, exercise
and Acupunc ture played a very important part in
maintaining my mental health. The improvement was
both noticeable and immediate. I realized that I was on
the right track.

In O c tob er 2002 I b egan tak ing 13 different t yp es

of vitamins for eight weeks b efore I ac t ually star ted
to reduce my 300mg daily dosage of D oxepin. B y the
end of O c tob er, my deter mination to free myself
from the maze of psychiatr ic medic ations was
ir reversible. I sp ok e to my family physician and my
psychiatr ist. B oth were ver y sk eptic al. Their main
concer n was for my health b ec ause the o dds of
discontinuing D oxepin af ter long-ter m use were

34
 almost imp ossible and ver y dangerous.

I told my psychiatr ist that I was fully aware of

these r isks. I was convinced that failure to tr y a
different approach could also b e detr imental to my
health. H e gave me my monthly prescr iption of
D oxepin in 50mg c apsules instead of the usual
100mg c apsules.

The week I ac tually b egan to decrease my daily

dosage to 250mg of D oxepin will go down as one of
the most hellish weeks I will rememb er for the rest
of my life. I remained with that dosage for three
weeks followed by another decrease of 50mg for
three weeks to 200mg. The side effec ts were less
severe but I exp er ienced nightmares. I decreased my
dosage again by 50mg to 150mg for t wo more
weeks and then 100mg for three weeks.

S omething imp or tant was happ ening and I was

deter mined to stay the course.

The sever it y of the withdrawal sympto ms was at

this p oint ver y low. R ememb er that D oxepin
contains almost 40% sedative, so my sleeping
patter n was reduced from 12hrs a day to six hours.
To me this was a trade off that I was willing to tak e
at any cost for the sak e of my health. The last six t y
days were relatively ver y easy in ter ms of side
effec ts. Af ter decreasing to 100mg for three weeks, I

35
 decreased to 50mg for one month and 25 mg for
t wo weeks and then to ok a dosage ever y other day
for five weeks. M y goal is not to advo c ate to p eople
who are on conventional psychiatr ic medic ations to
stop tak ing them. I do not b elieve mak ing that c ase
is ethic ally or morally r ight. I am simply tr ying to
explain the b est way I c an what happ ened to me
and how I overc ame it. I f talk ing ab out my stor y will
help even one single sur vivor in their own quest for
understanding the untold implic ations of the
medic ations they are tak ing, it will b e wor th the
Wor ld to me. I recently par ticipated in a meeting
held at Toronto Cit y Hall, organized by The Ontar io
R ecover y Campaign (OR C). D ur ing my ten-minute
presentation, I stongly emphasized how educ ation
and k nowledge ab out medic ations are paramount in
the quest for recover y. I am also talk ing ab out this
ordeal to stress the imp or tance of greater
communic ation and op enness b et ween the sur vivor,
and their psychiatr ist. Equally imp or tant is the full
supp or t and co-op eration of whatever net wor ks
they dep end up on. Sur vivors need a lot of supp or t
and understanding.

The other reason I am talk ing ab out this now is

that I was unaware b efore I b egan my research that
many Tr ic yclic antidepressants ( TC A) and S elec tive
S erotonin R euptak e Inhibitors (SSRI) are truly

36
 effec tive only for a few weeks, enough time to
address whatever cr isis someone is going through.
( This do es not apply to all c ases.)

I would lik e to express my deep est gratitude to

H ouselink Supp or tive Wor k er Ruth B o ck ner, Liza
S orok a and S andra Russell for their cr itic al help.
W ithout them I would have never been able to
achieve this endeavour alone.

M ental illness is not a life sentence. People c an and

do fully recover from even the most severe for ms.

37
 In August of '87, I separated from my wife and t wo
young children af ter a long p er io d of high stress
and difficult y at home and at wor k. In shor t, tr ying
to live the mainstream life of the nuclear family in
M ar k ham had tak en its toll on me mentally and
physic ally. I was also off my medic ation.

Having just come from my 'dream house', I got tired of

motel living after a few months and decided to drive to
Montreal. I had a new hatchback that I had purchased
with part of the divorce settlement. I enjoy driving and
find it relaxing.

I passed M ontreal and continued r ight on to

Q ueb ec Cit y and then drove back and for th b et ween
them several times; eating on the go and sleeping in
the c ar.

38
 The four th time I passed r ight through Q ueb ec Cit y
and continued east. R eaching a small town at the
mouth of the St. Lawrence R iver on a b eautiful
sunny af ter no on, I stayed long enough for a coffee
and enjoyed the view. Af ter the coffee I got back in
the c ar and headed back west, dr iving straight and
napping in my hatchback until I reached Vancouver.

In Vancouver I decided to treat myself. I stayed in a

go o d hotel and had a go o d meal. Ear ly the nex t
mor ning, I star ted east but decided that this time I
would go the Amer ic an way. No trouble at the
b order.

As I neared Chic ago I realized I needed to change

money into Amer ic an. I t was a Sunday and for some
reason I decided the b est thing to do was to go to
the air p or t; O'Hare Inter national Air p or t.

Par k ing my c ar and getting into the ter minal

building, I hadn't gone ver y far down the cor r idor
b efore a thought struck me. I am usually ver y
c areful in mall par k ing lots dur ing busy times in
noting the exac t sp ot where I am par k ed. I had not
tak en note this time.

Sure enough, going back along the cor r idor and

lo ok ing for a sign or something familiar, I reached
the other end of the cor r idor without finding the
stair well to the par k ing lot.

39
 I tried the information desk, but they said they
could not help me find my ca r, which I had just
parked 30 minutes earlier. I star ted to get ver y
wo r r i e d. O ve r the nex t t w o d ays, just walk ing back
and for th and resting and napping in waiting areas,
my think ing changed from finding my car and
getting money to other things.

At one p oint, I went out to the road that surrounds

the terminal and got a cab. Going a shor t distance, I
said, “r ight here” and asked him how much. “Don't
wo r r y about it, have a g o o d d ay ”. And that's when I
did it. I slammed the door. M any years befo re, I had
read that if anyone got a free c ab ride in a big
American cit y and slammed the door, the world was
going to end!

I was in a st ate of shock at what I had done. I went

back into the terminal, star ted walk ing, and sure
enough, so many people were look ing at their
watches. Had the ear th already star ted to spin out
of its orbit?

M y wo r r i e s were fur ther exacerbated when I

stopped at a viewing window for a while and was
sure that more planes than usual were tak ing off,
and at such craz y angles. B ut where were they
tr ying to go? The best thing to do was sit tight. (As
difficult as it might be to believe, these thoughts
were all completely real to me.)

40
 During one of my rests, a plain-clothed man came
up to me, showed me a badge and said, “Come with
me!” At the police station and in a cell, a cop offered
me a Cok e.

“May I smok e” ?

“Sure”.

“Do you have an ashtray ”?

“No, just throw the butts in the toilet ”.

Sitting down and hearing a typewriter click ing not

far away, my thoughts turned to my ideas on how
Americans view pollution. Throwing the butts down
the toilet and plugging up the sewers!

W ithout realizing what I was doing, I called over a

cop and star ted to give him a piece of my mind. H e
had no idea of what I was going through and went
away without saying anything, but when he came
back shor tly af te r wards, the whole mood had
changed.

Arms roughly twisted behind my back, I was

handcuffed, escor ted to a police car and tak en to
another downtown police station. First of all
fingerprinted and then photographed, I was put in a
cell. Having run out of cigarettes, I asked for and
got one. I just sat there think ing about the heav y
negative issues of these big American cities

41
 (not that I had ever b een to one b efore, or k new
ver y much ab out them any way).

Af ter ab out four hours, a cop c ame to the cell,

unlo ck ed it, and escor ted me to the front do or with
another cop b ehind. H e said something I didn't
c atch, and gave me a go o d shove down the steps.

I guess the fac t that I was there in the first place,

hours without a cigarette, four hours of think ing
negatively ab out Chic ago and then to top it off, that
shove down the steps made my blo o d r ise to the
sur face. I tur ned around and star ted screaming in
the most offensive language I could think of.

Q uick ly, t wo officers were down the steps and I was

dragged and literally thrown back into the cell.

Ab out ten minutes later one of them app eared and

placed a small table in front of my cell with t wo
objec ts on it. A split second af ter seeing what was
on the table I rememb ered stor ies (or rumours) from
the late '60's when I was in universit y ab out what
went on when the long haired V ietnam protesters
were brought into these places. I c annot really
descr ib e how sc ared I was.

I could hear them talk ing in a small office near my

cell but I could not mak e out what they were saying.
I just sat and waited and worried. What were they
going to do to me? About three hours later,

42
 one of them came to the cell and said, “ We've got to
move you”.

Handcuffed and escor ted to a van, I was then tak en

to another building and put in a cell. I t was the
middle of the night. I just sat there until around 4
pm the nex t day when I was suddenly released. I just
glanced at my sur roundings and star ted walk ing.

I t was not to o cold that night, but there was a light

snowfall that tur ned into slush. I was only wear ing
sho es so my feet were wet and cold. Shor tly af ter
daybreak, just walk ing down some street, a cop c ar
pulled up.

“ Where are you going?”

“I am tr ying to find Lak e M ichigan!”

A slight pause and then, “ Why are you tr ying to

find lak e M ichigan?”

“ To get my b ear ings so that I c an star t walk ing

back to Toronto. ”

“ You got any money?” From ser ious to puzzled to

gentle his tone was changing.

“I've got a t wo dollar bill Canadian but I c an't get it

changed!”

“ You got a bank c ard?”

“ Yes!”

43
 “G et in!”

Not 5 minutes later with 400 dollars in my p o ck et I

was getting a c ab to the bus station to head back to
Toronto. First thing, I went to D iane's house, walk ed
into her comfor table living ro om with the t wo
young children r ight there and she said, “ We haven't
seen you in a while, have you b een on a holiday?”

Ab out a week later, inconvenienced by not having

a c ar and staying at an out of the way motel, I
decided to tak e the bus back to Chic ago. On
enter ing the cor r idor of the ter minal, I followed the
signs and quick ly found infor mation.

“ Yes sir, we k now where your c ar is, just follow

these direc tions”. The par k ing fee was $210 dollars. I
was so on back in Toronto.

I don't k now whether you rememb er the quick

Communist tak eover of Canada in the fall of '87,
when the fo cus of the Cold War shif ted to the
Canadian-Amer ic an b order, but I was ver y much
involved, b eing a 'Sp ecial Person' at the time with
my ver y sp ecial mind.

B efore my road tr ip, I had gone a couple of times to

a bar in a major hotel in B uffalo to communic ate
with the C.I.A. and top U.S. officials; alb eit
completely silently and at a distance, ab out what
could b e done ab out this ver y tense situation. At

44
 the ver y least, tr ying to prevent a nuclear first
str ik e by the Canadians. (M y sympathies lay totally
with the Amer ic ans).

A couple of weeks af ter I got back from Chic ago, I

decided to go to the bar in B uffalo. Instead of the
usual quick “G o Ahead ” at the U.S.b order, it was “pull
in over there”. M y c ar was searched and I was tur ned
straight back to Toronto. O ver the nex t three weeks I
tr ied four more times but was tur ned back ever y
time af ter they searched the c ar. Having ask ed a
couple of questions and doing a bit of arguing, I
finally got the p oint.

To br ing this up to date, more than 15 years later, I

don't need to wor r y ab out ever having any more
trouble in Chic ago or any where else in the entire
United States b ec ause they'll never let me over the
b order again!!

By D oug

45
 M y S to r y
by Andrea Inoue

Hi. I'm Andr ea and this is my stor y. Two years ago, I

was getting sent home from work sick.
Hospitalizations followed, resulting in getting
k icked out of my rented bedroom.

Houselink opened their doors, hear ts and minds to

me. M y b attle with bipolar disorder and struggle to
be a trans person hasn't been easy and my own
family won't even put up for me.

B ut I ac tually have several talents that I'd like the

wor ld to k now about: The drums; k e y b o a r d s ; piano;
string and reed instruments; and, most impor tant of
all, turntables.

M y i nterest now is my music and my fashion wear,

yet I also still like to dress up nice or casual.

I've learned in the past eight years coping with my

46
 mental illness what triggers my emotions, upsets and
highs. I know now that I need to take my meds every
night. I still love my family but I realize I'm in this
on my own now and with the help of Houselink.

And ye s, I w a s b o r n a b oy, but when I was 18, I

realized I was a girl. To keep that par t of me quiet, I
joined the ar my. I ser ved for six years with the
D r a g o o n s, in cluding a Peacekeeping stint in Somalia
in 1993 and Yugoslavia in 1995. I also got to see
England and Europe.

I still keep in touch with the Dragoons, hoping one

day to play for them and give them the best darn
show I can give them. Unfo r tunately right now it's
just a dream like all my other dreams that I hope
will eventually get accomplished.

Being bipolar sure opened new doors and brought

a lot out of me. H ouselink gave me the oppor tunity
to help out landscaping, work ing in the k itchen,
fundraising and especially work ing as a team playe r.

As a student with learning disabilities, I worked

hard, got ex tra help, a nd spent summers on Air
Cadet courses, finishing a Chief Wa r r a n t O fficer
program with a mark of 94. I also graduated high
school, built a truck and worked numerous jobs.

To day, I'm well on the road to recover y.

47
 Chang e s
By M ark Gu ttridge

Change, they say, is a continuous pro cess. When

doing things differently, a cer tain amount of
aligning needs to b e done.

S ome say the b est way to predic t the future is to

design it, and organizations that fail to create the
future do so, not b ec ause they've failed to predic t it,
but b ec ause they've failed to imagine it. Even
Dar win emphasized that not the strongest or the
most intelligent sur vived, but the most adaptable.
Those most resp onsive to change.

Consumers and consumer run organizations need

to b e involved from the “get-go” b ec ause if they're
not, they won't b e there in the end. D eveloping a
strong sense of communit y b ecomes vital.
Organizational struc tures that have develop ed a

48
 collab orative approach embrace a healthy sense of
sur vival. S ome of the k ey elements in ensur ing
collab oration are accessibilit y, r ichness, and var iet y
as well as consumer-centeredness. I t's essential to
provide a voice with equanimit y, encouraging the
desire to give back to the communit y, and
ack nowledging that p ersonal exp er ience c an b e
construed as exp er tise, esp ecially at a p eer level. All
these elements help deliver us on the road to
recover y.

Jo e Wa rd

49
 About Ho m e l e s s ne s s : A T r e at i s e

By M aureen Gregor y

Recently, I was confronted with being without a home,

otherwise known as homelessness. I had always heard
stories in which people who were homeless spent years
trying to find housing, but I never thought it would
happen to me. Luckily, I found that I could utilize various
resources to my advantage..

In a city like Toronto, there are social agencies that

provide shelter, food and clothing for those who need
them. In certain cases, there are also social support
networks which help out a homeless friend. In some
countries, individuals who are rendered homeless have
no choice but to rely on their friends and relatives
rather than on non-existent social support agencies.

In my c ase, unfor tunately, my fr iends and relatives

did not help me at all. In fac t, I had p eople say to

50
 me that it was inconvenient for me to stay with
them, for even as shor t a stay as over night. S o, I
tur ned to so cial agencies and obtained all the
necessar y su pp or t.

I have discovered that when one is in a cer tain

situation, there are always ways of alleviating the
negative consequences. As far as homelessness is
concer ned, it do es not have to exist for p eople who
cho ose not to b e. The so cial supp or t ser vices do
have rules, however. I chose to follow those rules so
that I was able to obtain housing. The refore, I had
housing within a ver y shor t p er io d of time. In
conclusion, a p erson is the author of his or her own
fate and no one has to accept the tur moil of b eing
without shelter ; anyone who is homeless c an tur n
that situation around for the b etter.

The so cial ser vices system is flawed. Unfor tunately,

these flaws will not b e ironed out in the near future,
but a p erson c an change how they b ehave within
this framewor k, to improve their situation. I f we all
supp or t each other we c an tak e one step for ward to
eliminating homelessness.

51
 War ning: T he Following,
Ar e Dr eaded T hings T hat
Most People Hate To Hear
By M argaret Breckenridge, Consumer S ur vivor

M ental Case; M entally ill nut bar ; Craz y ; Not All

There; D ruggie; Addic t; Alk ie; Impaired; D isabled;
Incomp etent; Psychiatr ist; Psycholo gist; Fo cus; Pull
Yourself Together; Don't Let It Bother You; Just Stop It.
And the list go es on and on.

Pic ture this: S omeone you k now endures a

hor r ifying ordeal. They b oard a plane, and there just
happ ens to b e a ter ror ist on b oard. The ter ror ist has
tak en all the p eople on the plane hostage. Wouldn't
you k now, th e p erson that the ter ror ist cho oses to
hold at gun p oint, and cho oses to use as an example
of what will happ en to others if they should refuse
to co op erate with his wishes, is your closest and
most precious fr iend. You are probably think ing

52
that this scenar io could not get any worse.

WR ONG! The pilot announces that the plane engine

has b een tamp ered with b efore tak e-off, less than
t went y minutes ago.

Uh oh!! Is that an understatement? I should think

so. What would you suggest your fr iend do in this
situation?

Would you say, "You are disabled r ight now ” or "I

am finding you ver y incomp etent." Would you say,
"J ust fo cus, and you will b e able to sor t this out"
Would you say, "O h, just pull yourself to gether!" or
"O h, come on, just don't let the ter ror ists b other
you"? I f your fr iend star ted to cr y, would you tell
her, "J ust stop it"?

And if this wise piece of advice should fail, would

you c all her a nut bar, or mental c ase, or craz y, or
not all there, or mentally ill?

Fur ther more, if they were to sur vive the ordeal, and
as a result, they star ted to dr ink, drug, over-eat, or
b ecome addic ted to sex, in order to esc ap e the
stress of the hor r ifying exp er ience, would you than
c all them a druggie, alk ie, fat, or a p er ver t? I should
think not!

When you realize that your fr iend may need some

professional help, would you than think less of them
as a result? Or, if you had control over the Province’s

53
 finances would you say, "I'll give my fr iend and
p eople lik e her as little as p ossible, ” while sp eak ing
negatively of them to the public?

And would you cut back on their gover nment

subsidies, even if it means that they will not have
enough bus fare to get to their app ointments, and
group therapy meetings?

For tunately, they wouldn’t need to wor r y ab out

that b ec ause cutbacks to the health c are system
would mak e the issue mo ot. And if they b ecome
homeless as a result of your drastic cutbacks to
subsidized housing, then you probably won’t tak e
resp onsibilit y for the af ter math (more homeless
living on the s treets) of your ac tions.

S o the answer :
" NO! "
You would not treat your fr iend that way. First, you
would tr y to understand what they are going
through, and if you did not understand, you would
ask questions. You would then tr y to figure out the
b est way to help them to get through whatever they
are going thro ugh. You would b e patient,
compassionate, understanding, and lastly, and most
imp or tantly, loving, to your fr iend. You would treat
them with love, not malice.

54
 M y p oint: J ust b ec ause p eople don't ac t lik e the
average J o e B low do esn't mean they are less, or
wor th less than anyone else. They need to b e
treated with more love, compassion, and patience
than the average citizen. No one but G o d and that
p erson k now the nightmare they have b een through.
I f your fr iend was b eing treated that p o or ly by the
gover nment, you would not sit there and do
nothing, assuming you truly loved and resp ec ted
that fr iend. For those who are reading this who
have exp er ienced hard times, treat yourself the way
you would treat a fr iend who you love. R ememb er,
you deser ve the same love and compassion that
your fr iend deser ves.

Find out what you c an do to mak e a difference to

obtain the supp or t that you need to get through
your ordeals.

YOU ARE W ORTH IT!

55
 Golden Years Spent
with Houselink
by J o e Clarke

O h my gosh, where do I star t to b egin, it's only

b een 23 years with this organization.

I was just a pup when I ho ok ed up with H ouselink.

To my k nowledge, it was 1984-85. Wow! Star ting at
G lenc air n - D evondale, Pap e/G er rard, and then
B ar tlett, I to ok t wo years off. Had a baby b oy, b or n
J une 17, 1988. M oved to a 2-b edro om, basement apt
at B athurst/Euclid. I sp ent a while there, then moved
up to a bigger place, a 3-b edro om house in the
R exdale/K ipling area. I was on the go, job to job, to
supp or t my new family, and wor k ed par t time in the
film industr y in 1986.

The year 1994 c ame fast. I landed a one-b edro om

apar tment at Claremont facing the front, which is
where I reside to this day. M y little c astle that I lik e

56
 to c all home, with lots of pic tures on the wall.
M emor ies don't lie.

G olden Years Histor y

805 Bloor St. West upstairs. A long climb, seven staff,
t wo phone lines, a small dull drop-in 9-5 - week ends
4pm-11pm. D rop-in op erators received ver y little
pay - $7.50 p er shif t, no co de to push, b eer par ties
once ever y t wo months. Wednesday night br idge
club, b eer for $1.00. Yes, you heard me r ight.

10 years I sp ent on the so cial recreation

committee. 10 years running the baseball team. I
ran for the b oard three times. Str ik e 3, I was out.
That's when I said no more.

1986-1987, the Harb ord M ews projec t star ted to

grow ; the staff ask ed me if I was interested in doing
general lab our wor k so I jump ed at the opp or tunit y
to help out with other memb ers of H ouselink. Even
D ebbie, who was my wife at the time, offered to
wor k while she was pregnant with R yan doing her
share of wor k on the basement flo ors. While I to ok
on the Harb ord projec t, I also had t wo other
par t-time jobs to mak e ends meet. H ouselink office
cleaner ; par t time secur it y film supp or t wor k; mostly
nights, 3-4 nights p er week; office cleaning t wo
nights p er week. 5pm - 9:30pm, while wor k ing at
Harb ord Street M ews. Six memb ers wor k ed with me

57
 halfway through the projec t, then c alled up on me
to b ecome site sup er visor over our memb ers. I
la sted through the whole projec t. The day we
finished I felt ver y proud of my wor k. To this day I
still have nightmares when I go for Wednesday night
Supp er Club. M emor ies galore!

B ack when I joined H ouselink, it felt lik e a small

communit y all on its own. Not to o many prop er ties
back in those days.

1995-96 I to ok time off from H ouselink to wor k as

so cial recreation co ordinator for S oundtimes
supp or t systems. I ran the drop-in on Wednesday
af ter no on. D inner club - men's group - summer
c amping tr ips; movie nights; S aturday night k araok e
night at a lo c al bar, the Days Inn on Col lege/Yonge.
From what I've b een told, the memb ers said I did a
go o d job wor k ing there. I was a volunteer for t wo
years pr ior to getting hired, and attended a ver y
unusual hir ing par t y at the Clinton H ouse Taver n. I
was the first male they ever hired.

H ouselink has sure grown over my years. I've lost

some go o d fr iends and gained some.

Camping is one of my favor ite memor ies. I'm a big

fan of c amping. I lik e to teach p eople how to pitch
a tent, star t a c ampfire from scratch, how to paddle
a c ano e. O h, did I mention I've b een attending the

58
 B oundless Adventures tr ip since 1988?

I was also the first D.J. H ouselink ever had. I t to ok

me three weeks to prepare for the dances. I would
split my night D.J.ing plus tending the o dd bar shif t.
We had quite a go o d time back then. The par ties
would end around 11pm. Then we had a clean up
crew, a go o d core of p eople that hung out to gether
af ter wards at a nearby pub. Not to o many of the
old crowd lef t. S ome moved on — some far away. I
see the o dd p erson these days. I guess p eople grow
over the years.

We have monthly house meetings. At X-mas time

they treat you to dinner at a lo c al restaurant and
throw a X-mas par t y with presents for all the
memb ers. The other big H ouselink show is the
annual summer picnic, sometimes held on Toronto
Island, sometimes at High Par k or another lo c ation.
This is where all the memb ers seem to come out. A
day to get to k now more memb ers and even meet a
new fr iend. A go o d time is always had by all with a
B.B.Q., games, pr izes, enter tainment, and a free
tok en to get home.

You'd b e sur pr ised by the amount of families who

now live in H ouselink compared to when I first
joined. I t to ok me a go o d few years on the S o cial
R ecreation Commitee to get it off the ground up

59
 and running smoothly. H ey, you could still buy a
cup of coffee for 25¢. No budget back then. No
supper clubs, no bridge club - no men's night out,
no movie nights or $2.50 Sunday matinees. No
baseball tickets (Blue Jays) - one token per person
attending drop-in. Now they have six supper clubs
in all. Social work is going strong.. Sunday dinner
with Charly our great cook. Tell me what other
organization makes you supper for a dollar.

Great fun, great people, great friends. H ouselink

staff have shown great suppor t for encouraging
member employment. Examples inclu de garden
crew, and snow shovelling crews in the winter. All
with the help of Janice and Marg - Houselink's
employment facilitators.

O ver the years, H ouselink has become more aware

of members' needs, giving us tokens for do c tor's
appointments, ODSP visits, office visits, GM meetings.
We are environmentally friendly with recycling just to
mention a few changes. When a new member moves
in, they have ample oppor tunities to help and earn
extra pay.

Peggy our E.D. has done an awesome job at the

helm for 16 years. She is always aware of our needs
and suppor ts.

Thank you all.

60
 Annie
I t has always b een difficult for me to wr ite ab out
p eople who have passed on. For sure they lef t this
drear y place in which we exist and more of ten just
sur vive. S o, I will tr y to give you some of my
thoughts and feelings rememb er ing Annie.

I did k now Annie for over fif teen years. She was
lik e a blo oming flower within an environment that
provided just the bareb ones of living and sur viving.
She faced the challenge of mental health problems
and the resulting difficulties but maintained a
p ositive outlo ok on life. Annie faced her challenges
and c ame out on top.

She was, and I'm using the new ter m, recovered. I

of ten had ver y shor t but ver y interesting
conversations with her and whenever we met Annie
displayed a genuine smile. She was a ver y cheer ful

61
 p erson.

She was a ver y resp onsible p erson as well, as I

of ten obser ved whenever the building's fire alar ms
went off and she followed the evacuation
pro cedures to a letter. Annie would not walk into
the building until another resp onsible resident, a
fire man or supp or t staff, told her that it was safe to
go back in.

Annie overc ame many a challenge and difficult y in

maintaining her indep endence. I rememb er when
she was recommitted to the hospital to tr y out a
new medic ation, even though in her own way she
was func tioning ver y well without the added stress
of b eing used as a guinea pig. W ith the supp or t and
inter vention of staff and other residents, the
hospital stay was k ept shor t and no new medic ation
was given.

M y own circles are widely spread and I of ten was

sur pr ised to run into Annie in another par t of town.
She was connec ted to many agencies and pro grams
in the cit y. Contr ibuting her most valua ble asset, her
smile, and her favor ite saying: “I c an only do so
much!” I f ever y reader tak es this little line to hear t
and mak es it count in their own life, we all to gether
c an do so much more. I do rememb er Annie and I
always will.

H einz K lein

62
 H o u s e l i n k m em b e r A n n i e A k u l a d i e d o n O c tob er 6, 2006.

O N LY B RE AT H I N G
(For Annie)

Well, our hear ts are bleeding, for so many

Our hear ts are bleeding here for Annie.

S ee the clouds roll by we want to tak e a r ide.

B eneath the shadow of a tree is where our sadness

lies.

Is there going to b e a way to say our last farewell

W ill there ever b e a way for us to tell.

R ain falls down to wash the ear th,

washes away your life's struggles and the hur t.

Though the rain falls down it won't fade your

memor y.

And memor ies will br ing you back to me.

We're only breathing and life's passing by.

Should we have k nown the thunder in your sk y.

Lik e a passing cloud never hold you here.

You're in our hear ts, and will b e always there.

(words & music © 2003 P. H euzenro eder/ N.

Nicholson/ H.E. Klein)

63
 Disillusioned
Today I feel disillusioned with my current situation.

Ever yone in my life wants suppor t from me yet it

remains one-sided. Also anyone who wants to include

me in their lives must be severely disabled either

physically or mentally.

I thought I was making some headway when I came

across one impasse after another. I feel guilty for my

simple existence.

It's a gray and rainy day in October but remarkably

warm, actually the warmest last two months on

record. I have decided to write in hopes of sharing

insights into the world of mental illness, and not

global warming.

Each individual has their own unique stor y to tell, as

unique as an individual's DNA. My own struggle

star ted at a ver y young age. I was severely abused by

my mother to the point where I would regain

consciousness, not knowing really whether I was dead

or alive.

Pippa Boyd

64
 A Jour ney to Finish

I MAY HAVE DEPRESSION and MENTAL ISSUES

BUT MENTAL ISSUES and DEPRESSION DON'T HAVE ME

I HAVE PAI NS and STIGMA

BUT STIGMA and PA INS DON'T HAVE ME

I HAVE FEW BENDS ON T H E R O A D

BUT THAT 'S JUST A DETOUR ON MY PATH

A LESSON IN A COSMIC UNIVERSE OF HUMAN EXISTENCE

I MAY HAVE SOME DISAPPOINTMENTS, FRUSTR ATI ONS

and DESPeR AT IONS THAT SPICE UP MY JO URNE Y

I HAVE TO ENDURE T H E R A I N a n d S TORM

TO SEE T H E R A I N B OW

I HAVE TO WA LK IN DARKNESS

TO SEE T HE LIGHT

I HAVE TO OVER CO ME FANTASY, TO ACHIEVE REALIT Y

I HAVE TO FLY, TO TOUCH THE GROUND

I HAVE TO BU RY YESTERDAY TO LIVE FOR TO DAY,

FOR TOMORROW WILL BE BET TE R

I HAVE INSPIR ATI ON, HOPE, STRENGTH and DETERMINATION,

TO GET WELL

I HAVE LOVE and FA ITH TO GO ON

I HAVE SUPPORT and CARING PEOPLE AROUND ME

I HAVE A JOURNEY… TO FINISH.

BY MARIA CARINO, 2006

68
 I am a shell of a man
Bursting out to see
What life is all about
Then bursting more
To Claw my way back
To stay ever in a good way.
I carry my broken shell
I need it yet for security
My shell cracked wide today
I'm really thrilled!

Colin Shaw

Turning to a fresh new page

Is a relief at trying times,
Struggling for the words
That match without the rhyme.
I want to come over straight and true
The rhyming I think is an excellent gift
I won't use it all the time.

Colin Shaw

69
 Sojourn
In a Precious moment of
S olitude
I gently lower the shutter
O f my soul

And D ismiss the rest of the Wor ld.

Slowly I am Swept Away
In Amourous arousal
R ec aptur ing details
And fabr ic ating new ones
As our passions collide

G entl y S omeone a wakens me A nd I reluc tantl y

return to Realit y.

Karen A nn Leblanc

70
Looking Out the Window
The tree B rak es,
At the M erc y of the wind,
B end & Sway as if ab out
To break.
The trees show themselves
To b e stronger, as if
D efiantly against M other Nature,
They stay whole & unbrok en.

A nd the y continue on to the nex t season.

Karen A nn Leblanc

71
 Mountain
S i t t i n g o n a m o u n t a i n a l l I can

S e e i s a l i t t l e b l a c k l a dy

C r yi n g a n d t h a t ' s m e

S i t t i n g o n a m o u n t a i n a l l I ca n

S e e i s m y s o n c r y i n g o u t s aying

M o m , p l e a s e d o n ' t l e a ve me

S i t t i n g o n a m o u n t a i n a l l I ca n

S e e is m y t e a r s t h a t I ' m c r ying

Fo l l o w i n g m e

S i t t i n g o n a m o u n t a i n a l l I ca n

S e e i s a h e a v y b u r d e n r i ght

Behind me

P. Johnson

72
 C ra c k C o n t r o l

When crack took over my

L i fe, you see it took over my
Pri de and Dignit y

When crack took over my

Life you see, it took all
M y responsibilities

When crack took over my

Life you see, I needed
S o m e t h i n g for all my
Pa in and Grief

When crack took over my

Life you see, it took my
S o n a way from me

When crack took over my

Life you see, it left me

Just like a dying tree

Paulette Johnson

73
 High Eh!
I remember my last hospitalization. How it was

omega, the fall, and my engagement and

schizophrenia all in one!

O m a r v e l o u s t i m e y o u m ay w e l l a s k ?

We l l … a m i x e d t i m e . M o n e y a n d n o t m u c h ,

d o c t o r s a n d n o t much, and the nurses, and med

students about on a psych ward!

A l l o f u s a s t u d y, n o n e t o o m u c h .

And that is schizophrenia.

S i n c e t h e n w h e n I w a s a l l c l e a n e d u p, m y d o c t o r

and nurses have changed and I more or less now

say no to a lot of events and people I used to say

a s i m p l e ' y e h ' t o. A n d h a v e t h u s b e c o m e n o r m a l

a n d f u n c t i o n i n g a t m y h o u s e a n d j o b . I have

friends and acquaintances and housing and work

— all things we all wanted. Am I getting high? Well

now I say, n o.

Penny Matthews

74
 To my f r i e n d … B y R i t a G rotsky
H i! Feeling blue
H aven't seen you
In such a long time
H op e you're well
What's new with you?
M e…
Well it seems I've got a disease
Yes rather sud den
Caught me by sur pr ise
G uess you never k now
What will happ en.
M y life is all upside down;
M y life is the pits,
I've got nothing c atching -
Except, mayb e to my k ids -
B ut I've got none of them any ways.
Yes - its c alled schizophrenia.
Never k new what that meant.
Yes - now I k now.
I t means I'm lost in a dream.
I c an't think “nor mally ” -
I think things are happ ening around me.
That aren't really happ ening.
They say my c ase is “mild ” -
I say its k illing, and I lose myself
Each time I go into an 'episo de'.
Funny word - mayb e I'm a tv pro gram.
M ayb e that explains it.
Instead of going into reruns.
I'd much rather b e c ancelled.
Anyhow -
I t means I lost my job - lost fr iends -
Lost income - lost c areer hop es - lost
Family hop es - lost self-confidence - lost
Func tioning abilit y and - most of all -

76
Li ve in fear.
Fear of going out of my apar tment
Fear of meeting p eople I used to k now or
Wor k for
Fear of doing things I used to love and
Things that most p eople tak e for granted.
I c an't do any more.
I c an't go out, get on a subway, wor k
In an office, go to a restaurant
For lunch, have the resp ec t and
Fr iendship of co-wor k ers.
And, most of all - don't feel that I am contr ibuting
anything to so ciet y
Nor feel that I am par t of the
Communit y
Wor k ing and playing with others.
I feel lonely and unappreciated.
No-one to strok e me and let me feel wa nted.
I am marginal.
Li ving in the c racks of Toronto.
I'm truly invisible.
I have no money
And no reason to live.

Instead of praying for me -

Why don't you just c all.
Tell me that you'll listen
Tell me that you c are
Tell me that you want to help.

D on't b e afraid -
I ts not c atching
I won't hur t you
D on't b e afraid -
I just want a fr iend.

77
 This poem is dedicated to Mr Paul O'Neil
who passed away in the spring of 2006. He
was a close personal friend and a well-
respected member of our Houselink
community. We shall miss him.

P is for Persistent. He was always driven to involve

ever yone in his energy-conser vat ion drive (reducing
consumption of elec trical usage through the
Houselink community) and left his dream alive.

A stands for Aware, mak ing those around him feel

par t of something special and happy to join in on
the fun, even through tough times. This was what
gave him drive.

U means Understanding and Compassion; he was a

total friend, stood by you through thick and thin,
and tried to lend a helping hand when it was
needed.

L would be the Love of a proud parent. His daughter

was the apple of his eye, and when she entered the
nav y it brought him a lot of pride. This in time I
would come to realize as I also came fr om the same
militar y background and he frequently enjoyed
sharing in my past histor y and something I believe
he truly needed.

78
 O O vations are what he longed to hear, as he was a
par t of a drama group that put on plays each and
ever y year.

N should be for Natural Leader, which is something

he loved to be. A leader in our community whether
it was being on the social recreation committee, a
drop-in operator, or on the Houselink board itself.
This chance to stand out and be a shining example
within our community was a great feeling he held dear.

E is for enjoying Enter tainment of all different

sor ts: he liked watching movies, fine di ning, and
going to see a good play. His favorite past-time,
though, was watching Toronto's team play spor ts.

I is for conquering and containing his worst vice of

them all, alcohol. H e k new this problem had caused
him much grief in his life, and he became
determined to change, drink ing only things that
would k eep him on the right path. To Paul it became
the norm instead of the strange.

L is for leaving a Legac y. He has passed on now ;

however, for many of us who were close to him ,
without his presence, it seems k ind of rotten. He lef t
a legac y in our Houselink communit y. A par t of him
is ever y where, and it will never be fo rgotten.

Ross Dean

79
 B e a u t y i n Pe o p l e B y L e s t o r M. Lewis
We will not k now what b eaut y is all ab out b ec ause
ever yone has a different opinion. S ome p eople see
b eaut y in a sexual way or they may see it as a way
to fall in love with someone.

To me, b eaut y has to have all the elements, such as

b eing able to communic ate with ever yone, help
p eople when they fall down, or give them a helping
hand when they need, it, so they c an help
themselves. B eaut y is also b eing a go o d listener
and b eing considerate for the feelings of others.
W ithout those elements you will not b e able to
b ecome a successful and b eautiful p erson.

B eaut y has no shap e or for m. I t's what you mak e of

yourself that is most imp or tant. When I lo ok in the
mir ror I tell myself that I am b eautiful from the
inside out b ec ause it helps me to get ahead in life.
B eaut y is with you when you k now what's inside
your hear t. You should have a b etter understanding
of what is around you and how you could mak e the
wor ld a b etter place for ever yone to live in.

B eaut y comes from your mother and father

b ec ause you inher ited their genes. This mak es you a
complete hum an b eing. W ithout your parents, you
would not b e on this ear th to exp er ience what life

80
 is all ab out and have the joy of b eing a b eautiful
p erson yourself.

B eaut y should come from the inside. People

should b e happy just the way they are no matter
what others think of them.

81
 Par t 1. Cla ra

Mom was born in 1920 to Irish/scotch

immigrants. She was a countr y girl growing up on a
small dair y farm in Ontario. She married in 1939
and had three daughters and two sons in rapid
succession. We were all born during Wo r ld War 2,
except for my younger brother, who was born in 1946.

Fa mily histor y is sketchy but in my time my

father was shunned by her parents. He was a cook
in the ar my but didn't go overseas during the war.
Pe r haps his being 4 fo ot 11 meant he wasn't a big
enough targ et. He was moved around to different
bases in Ontario. My father had other things to do
and was seldom home. He liked to hang with the
boys or a girlfriend. I t got out that he had one in

84
 O ttawa for years and had a son by her.

When I was born, my mother got ver y sick and

was sent to a mental institution for a few months.
The same thing happened when my brother was
b o r n a year and a half later. I suspec t it was major
post par tum depression. Us k ids were taken in by
relatives. My mother got sick a lot. I had six pairs of
guardians by the time I was nine when she died.
Another six would follow.

When mom was discharged from hospital, she

would stay with her parents until she felt strong
enough to look af ter her children again. She
managed to get enough money from my father to
get by and I suspec t she got some help from other
sources. Keeping our health insurance premiums
paid for was a top priorit y. I t was ver y i m p o r tant to
her to keep her family together but sometimes when
she tried, her anger led to a lot of screaming, hitting
and throwing whateve r was handy.

Then there was the day that our nex t door

neighbour stopped us as we approached our house
for lunch. He told us that there had been a fire and
our mother was in the hospital. Daze d, we f ollowed
him into his house.

My mother had been making us French fries when

the oil caught on fire, the flames reaching to the
ceiling. Panick ing, she took the pot to throw it

85
 outside. As she stepp ed out the do or, the wind
blew at the flames, setting her clothes on fire. H er
screams brought the neighb ors runni ng to her aid
but they were thwar ted by our do g, a G reat Dane.
H e got ver y excited and tr ied to protec t her from
the strangers, making it difficult for them to get to her.

We stayed with the neighb our for a couple of hours

until a relative c ame to tak e us to our grandparents
in M or r isburg. Shir ley, the oldest of us at thir teen,
was the only one allowed to visit our mother in the
hospital. She died t wo days later at thir t y-three.
She had a hard life ending in a ter r ible death.

I rememb er the scene vividly when I was given the

news. Always will.

Par t 2. The Grenade

In 1951 I was seven and living in Ar med Forces

B ase B orden . M y father was a co ok in the ar my
which made us k ids “Ar my brats. ” I rememb er us
b eing dr iven to scho ol in the back of a dar k green,
tar p-topp ed ar my truck and singing,

"They say that in the ar my

The gir ls are might y fine

You ask for B ett y G rable,

They give you Frank enstein.

O h I, don't want no more of ar my life.

86
 O h ma I want to go,

B ack to Ont ar io,

O h ma I want to go home."

Two go o d memor ies of B orden were lear ning how

to r ide my first bik e and the free S aturday matinees.
That was when they star ted with black and white
news reels and c ar to ons. I dreamed of b eing lik e
Sup er man when I grew up. (An older guy in baggy
tights, Sup er man then would get a laugh to day.)

Another go o d memor y was tak ing a hik e with my

sisters to pick lo ganb er r y, raspb er r y and blueb er r ies.
To get there we walk ed to the end of our street, over
the railway tracks and tank road and past an ar my
prac tice field.

I lik ed to go hik ing and explor ing by myself to o and

decided to give the prac tice field a closer lo ok. One
day I c ame up on what lo ok ed lik e a decomp osed
aerosol c an. Closer insp ec tion revealed a shiny,
small ball b ear ing. Playing Allies was ver y p opular
with the b oys at scho ol and ball b ear ings were
considered a sup er Ally, so for a couple of days I
lo ok ed for more.

Af ter much searching I found a small, rusted c an.

Although I susp ec ted that it was a t yp e of grenade, I
thought it was a dud and pro ceeded to tr y break ing
it op en. Not to b e completely fo olish, I threw it at

87
 ro cks and trees a distance away from me while I'd
tur n my head away. When it didn't break op en, I
went to the railway track. Af ter a couple of hard
throws, it ex plo ded.

I was k no ck ed out so fast I didn't even hear the

bang. When I c ame to, there were little red
fountains of blo o d r ising from the fingers of my
r ight hand and I could feel something on my eye.

People in nearby houses heard the explosion and

c ame running. An ambulance was c alled and I was
rushed, with my mother, to Sick Children's H ospital
in Toronto. I t to ok an hour to get there and I was
told to hold my eye op en so the piece of shrapnel
wouldn't damage my eye. A do c tor was able to
pluck it off at the hospital with no damage done.

I don't rememb er anything ab out the t wo weeks in

the hospital except that I was disapp ointed when it
was time to leave.

The hospital lef t a couple of pieces of shrapnel in

my hand, b ec ause, I b elieve, they were to o deep. At
home when they would fester and r ise, my mother
would dig them out with a dar ning needle. Jagged,
they didn't come out easily. (M ega pain!)

A search of the prac tice fields found hundreds of

dangerous lef tovers. A high wire fence was
installed. O thers might not b e as luck y as me.

88
 Par t 3. A D angerous D ip

There were so many fo olish, life threatening

things I did as a b oy that I think I was luck y to mak e
it to adultho o d. R o ck throwing fights, running
around a t welve inch ledge at the third flo or of a
building at night and jumping into the Thames R iver
with my clothes on in the middle of winter.

Spr ing had ar r ived and my sisters and I were out for
a walk tak ing it all in. I was eight or nine and we
were living in London, Ontar io. Af ter a while we
c ame up on a public, outdo or p o ol, so we stopp ed to
check it out. We wouldn't have climb ed a fence so it
must have b een accessible. The p o ol was empt y
except for the deep end where rain and melted snow
had collec ted in the off season. I t was almost up to
the top of where the cement b egan to slop e down to
the deep end.

I climb ed down into the shallow end to tak e a lo ok

around. The water was mur k y, mak ing it hard to see
how deep it was so I got closer. There was some
green fungus growing along the edge and other
go o ey stuff. J ust how I managed it, I don't k now but
I slipp ed on the slop e. I tr ied to c atch myself but it
was lik e grease and I quick ly slid to the b ottom, far
b elow the sur face.

For tunately I was able to tak e in a breath of air

b efore I sank into the depths but I didn't k now how

89
 to swim and my clothes were weighing me down. I
sto o d up and lo ok ed around. V isibilit y was a couple
of feet. I star ted walk ing, hoping I was in the
direc tion of the ladder. I realized that if I panick ed
and didn't k eep my wits ab out me that my chances
would diminish.

M y lungs were bursting and I was tak ing in some

water when I saw the ladder and the wall. W ith my
energy draining away, I got to it and climb ed. M y
sister grabb ed me at the top to help me as I
collapsed to the ground. Shir ley help ed me get the
water out of my lungs as I gasp ed for air.

We rested for a while, squeezed the water out of my

clothes the b est we could and let the sun and air dr y
them as we continued on our way.

Par t 4 Moms' Parents Farm

The long, dir t dr iveway t wisted and climb ed to the

old wo o den far m house that sto o d on the crest of a
hill. A bar n with sheds nearby accompanied it. An
outhouse sto o d b eside the house where at times the
S ears c atalo gue was all there was to finish the job.

Living happ ened in the k itchen where plumbing

was a hand pump at the sink. The only war m ro om
in the house was the k itchen where a big wo o d
stove also co ok ed the meals. A pip e sent heat to the
bedrooms upstairs which were off limits during the day.

90
 The only time I was allowed in the living ro om was
when my mother ’s op en c ask et sto o d there. There
were t wo things I rec all of the gather ing: M y father
cr ying in a house where he was never welcome and
when I stopp ed to lo ok at my mother, an aunt,
seeing me th ere, without ask ing, lif ted me up and
ask ed me if I wanted to k iss my mother “go o dbye. ” I
didn't but felt comp elled to do so any way. The
funeral had a sur pr isingly ver y long pro cession of
c ars to the grave site which was near Chester ville.
Af ter this time the smell of flowers ha s always b een
repugnant to me.

M y sister Yvonne, my younger brother R ay and I

sp ent the nex t six months or so at our
grandparents' far m until it was decided where we'd
live. I was ok ay with the break from scho ol.

I t was a small far m with a few milk ing cows, a bull,

some chick ens, a couple of pigs and t wo horses.
M ilk ing was done by hand. At times grandfather
had to wor k for the railroad to mak e ends meet,
while his wife and children would lo ok af ter the
far m. They couldn't afford the latest in far m
equipment. An old, second hand trac tor and the
horses wor k ed the land. There was some c ash crop
but most was just for the livesto ck. M ilk was the
main source of revenue.

I rememb er helping with the har vest. Sheathes

91
 were made of the oats and we'd walk the field
stack ing them in teep ees of six or eight to dr y them
out. The hay was piled lo ose on a wagon and tak en
to the bar n where a big ho ok and pulley hoisted it
up and into the lof t. M ost far ms were bailing at this
time. Wor k ing in the hot sun all day was hard but I
was young and healthy and needed something
wor thwhile to do

Uncle R ay, our favor ite uncle, still lived at the far m.
When it was n't busy, we played baseball in the front
yard. S ometimes he would ho ok up the mare to the
buggy and tak e us for a r ide or he'd jump on her
bareback for a run. I lik ed the smell of horses and
rememb er the sound of the c ar r iage’s big wheels on
the gravel. I t felt lik e I was in a time war p getting a
final glimpse of an older time. In the evening we
would listen to the radio, and play check ers or
cro c ano. There was no T V.

Years later I was sur pr ised to lear n that the far m

house was moved down the road. I didn't realize it
was so well made.

We moved back to London to live wi th our new

stepmother who was my father ’s long time girlfriend.

Par t 5. M arjorie

Six months af ter my mother died, our father

decided to mar r y her and we were brought back to

92
 the ar my sub division in London to reunite. Shir ley,
the oldest, stayed with relatives. The duplex was a
couple of blo cks away from where we lived b efore.
M arjor ie brought her son, our half brother, Lloyd. H e
was the same age as my nine year old brother and
was a sp oiled brat who could manipulate his mother
since he was the only one she c ared ab out. M arjor ie
couldn't see much and wore thick glasses. The
chubby little woman was considered legally blind.

Our father wasn't around much but was industr ious

enough to build a b edro om in the basement which
b ec ame Yvonne's. R ay and I had bunk b eds. M ar lene
and Lloyd had their own ro oms.

A neighb our saw R ay and me smok ing in the par k

down the street from our house and rep or ted us.
Dad was home and c ame lo ok ing. I rememb er well
us running home down the middle of the street with
him running af ter us swinging his b elt. The
neighb ours must have got a k ick out of watching
our four fo ot eleven fathers' little legs running af ter
us.

At eleven years old, I star ted to lear n how to co ok.

One meal I would mak e was c alled Ha mburger G rav y.
Hamburger was fr ied with onions and seasoning.
When it was done, it was thick ened with flour and
water. This was p oured on mashed p otato es.

93
 Another job I did was washing the k i tchen floor on
my k nees with a bucket, cloth and scrub brush. I t's
a good way make sure it's cleaned well and you can
get into the corners a lot better than with a mop.
Having pride in a job well done is a good way to
learn the work ethic.

M y real mother would take us to pretty well any

Christian church that was nearby as long as it wasn't
Catholic. (I think this was because she found out
that Dad had changed to Catholic because that's
what his girlfriend was.) When M arjorie came on
the scene, she asked us if we wanted to become
Catholics which felt like an offer we couldn't refuse.
We star ted going to Blessed Sacrament Church and
the separate school beside it. I got into fighting at
school but stopped when I got the reputation of
b eing a bully.

Yvonne was getting disciplined by Marjorie one

day when sh e told her that she would be getting
more from her father when he got home. Yvo nne
told her he wouldn't because he had been having
sex with her and threatened to let pe ople k now.
Marjorie took her shopping and tried to convince her
to keep quiet because that would cause problems for
the family. A few days later Yvonne told her teacher
what was going on. She was taken away.

Our father was sent to prison fo r t w o y e a r s.

94
 Marjorie was not pleased and called for
reinforcements. Her mother, who hated my father,
wasn't craz y about his k ids either and just made the
situation worse. She would do such things as falsely
repo r t to her daughter that we were misbehaving,
adding to the turmoil. Marjorie would get so
infuriated that she'd wear dad's thick and buckled
ar my belt to threaten us. I t scared the hell out of
me. I remember walk ing home from school and
stopping at the top of our street too afraid to go
home. On the weekends, I would tr y to be out of the
house as much as I could doing such things as
hik ing in a nearby woods. A couple of times, I'd
want to come home. When it got late, she would call
the police to bring me back. Then I got the belt.

Pe r haps it wasn't a big deal but I remember tak ing

a bobby pin and stick ing it into a wall socket. I
don't k now if it was done in desperation as a cr y for
help or a death wish but all it did was burn my fingers.

Fo r tunately, not long af ter that, we were taken to

Fa m ily Cour t because Marjorie said she couldn't take
care of us anymore. Our relatives had enough of us
too so we were made wards of the Catholic
Children's Aid Societ y.

Oh happy day.

95
 Par t 6. Fontbonne Hall

At eleven years old, happiness was a finished

family and being made wards of the London
Catholic Children's Aid S o c i e t y. Living with an
abusive stepmother was not fun so the move was
good news.

We were sent to Fo ntbonne Hall which was an

orphanage run by the Sisters of St . J oseph. The
Mother House was near the University of Western
Ontario. My bed was in a large dorm on the third
floor which had rows of around thir t y s i n g l e b e d s.
There was a bedroom off the dorm for the nun in
charge of boys. Clothes were communal and we got
whatever was nex t and fitted us. The thought of
wear ing someone else's under wear is repulsive to
me now, but I didn't think anything of it then. I
liked the idea of alw ays getting different and well
laundered changes of clothes.

As soon as I arrived the ve r y big, grumpy old nun in

charge of boys got into whacking me across the
head. I took it a few times and then, clenching my
fists, I screamed at her to never hit me again. She
must have taken my fear ful outburst for violent,
uncontrolled rage because neither she nor any of
the other nuns ever touched me again.

There was a chapel where there was mass ever y

morning and Rosar y was said in the af ternoon af ter

96
 school . I was encouraged but not required to
attend, except for Sunday Mass. Smaller dorms and
rooms for the nuns were on the second floor along
with the k itc hen, offices and the priest's apar tment.
S e p arate day rooms for boys and girls were in the
basement.

At times one of us boys was asked to go to the

M o t h e r H o u s e to ser ve as altar boys. I only got to
go once. Thi s was when mass was said in Latin and I
never forgot the prayers I had to say. (M indless
repetition.) The Mother House looked like a castle
with a long driveway, landscaped grounds with a
forest backdrop and rolling lawns. Th e chapel was
immense and the choir inspiringly beautiful as the
many voices echoed throughout the chamber. I t was
the first time I had my own bedroom. The food was
great and a novice brought a snack to my room in
the evening. I t was a little scar y stayi ng in a room in
a far corner of the building. I would have liked the
novice to stay and keep me company for a while and
I'm sure she would have but I was to shy to ask. I
stayed over because mass was early in the morning.

We were only at Fo ntbonne Hall for a little while

and then my brother and I were sent to a foster
home on a farm. The C.A.S. wanted to keep us
together. We didn't like each other. M o m a l ways
liked him best.

97
 Par t 7. Farm Fo s t e r H o m e

Af ter a few weeks at Fo ntbonne Hall, my brother

and I went to a f oster home on a farm in rural
D elaware, not far from London. They were P olish
immigrants who didn't speak much English and had
a six teen year old son. We slept with a hired hand.
He had a bad case of ringworm on his arm but was
an easy going guy. I stayed clear of him. I'm sure
our foster parents just wanted us for the money and
the free labour because there wasn't any affec tion.
They even begrudged us the $2.00 a month
allowance designated for us from the Children's Aid
Society

M y h e a d was pretty screwed up by the time I came

to this foster home. I didn't like my brother, foster
brother or foster parents. R ay and I fought so much
that our social worker bought us a pair of boxing
glove s. We never used them. Our fighting was
verbal, not physical .

Our days star ted at 5:00 A.M. which is normal for a

dair y farm because the cows have to be milked twice
a day at twelve hour inter vals. School was a two
k ilometre walk down a gravel countr y road to S.S. #3
D elaware, a one room school house for eight grades.
At lunch hour, us boys would do such things as look
for snakes to put in the teacher' desk, blow up frogs, raid
orchards in the summer and bee hives in the winter.

98
 I looked for ward to when lunch was over and our
sof t spoken teacher would read us Ann of Green
G a b l e s. She was a light in the gloom.
Unfo r tunately, she was soon replaced.

During th e year and a half at the foster home, I

never lef t the farm except to go to school, not even
church although ever yone was Catholic and I
b elonged to the Catholic Children's Aid Society.

The only exception was an amazing school trip the

C.A.S. paid for to Detroit City. In the morning we
took a cruise to B oblow Island Amusement Pa r k.
( The boat even had a live band with dancing.) We
saw the Detroit Pistons and the Boston Celtics pl ay
basketball in the af ternoon and I had my first meal
in a restaurant. ( The teacher had to help me order
deep fried prawns with fries and coleslaw.) Af ter
dinner we saw the Detroit Red W ings and the
Toronto M aple Leafs play hockey. The cruise, NBA
basketball gam e, eating at a restaurant and the NHL
hockey game were all firsts f or me. I t was an
unforgettable day.

B ack at the farm, I was thir teen and pube r t y was

setting in to add raging hormones to the
emotionally unstable mix. I wasn't interested in my
foster brothers' advances but he had better luck
with my eleven year old brother.

W ith much pleading, I was finally able to

99
 convince the C.A.S. to tak e me off the far m and I
went back to the or phanage. M y brother stayed for
a while and then joined me. The C.A.S. wanted to
k eep us to gether.

Par t 8. B ack to the O rphanage

The Sisters of St. J o esph probably weren't to o

happy to see my retur n to Fontb onne Hall from the
foster home on the far m. Along with depression,
anger, anxiet y and a var iet y of other
mental/emotional flaws, I was now a teenager with
raging hor mones to add to the mix.

A couple of times, late at night, I would sneak

down to one of the gir ls' dor ms to do a little
explor ing. This led to me meeting up with G lor ia
one day and going all the way. The nex t time we
met, in the laundr y ro om, when nob o dy else was
around, she sur pr ised me by br inging a fr iend. The
fr iend was one of the t wo gir ls I had met at night
and G lor ia told me that she was here to tr y it to o. I
was flabb ergasted but the problem was solved when
we heard a nun c alling from down the hall for
G lor ia. They lef t in a hur r y and I waited till the
coast was clear. The nex t time I met G lor ia, she told
me that the nuns had told her not to have sex
anymore. Nothing was said to me. I decided to
b ehave myself even though the gir ls were my age
group. There were others that I saw getting it on

100
 to o. The nuns did get af ter some b oys when they
found out they were involved in circle jer ks.

This was the fif ties when ro ck and roll was in full
swing and I got ver y c aught up in it. I k new the
words to a lot of songs by E lvis, the Ever ly B rothers,
R oy Orbinson, and many others. At night I'd go to
b ed and dream of b ecoming a ro ck and roll star.

At four teen I wasn't dating yet but I went to

dances. I'd get so crazed with the music that I'd
dance by myself. Once at a K nights of Columbus
dance, b efore anyone star ted dancing, I got up and
quick ly danced all around the flo or a couple of
times. People must have thought I was k ind of
strange. I was.

The nuns tr ied to k eep us o ccupied when we

weren't in scho ol. I had a newspap er route for a
while; went swimming; 25 cent matinees; an evening
wo o dwor k ing shop; B oy Scouts; and a stint as an
altar b oy. I also went to a Y.M.C.A. summer c amp for
a couple of weeks. S omehow I got nominated to tell
a night time stor y to a bunch of restless, younger
b oys. They enjoyed my version of Jac k and the
B eanstalk, wanting more. I t made me feel lik e a
real winner.

The nex t day a bunch of us went for a long hik e.

Af ter a couple of k ilometres, we stopp ed for lunch
and a c amp fire. I was given an axe to cut some

101
 wo o d. Not k nowing much about cutting wood, I
star ted hack ing away at a sapling. I t kept flopping
all over the place so I put my fo ot on it to steady it.
The axe hit my fo ot. Being a macho little man, I
ignored the pain till it subsided and I carried on.
Af ter a couple of minutes, my fo ot felt soggy and
wet. When I look ed down at it, I saw that my
running shoe had changed from white to mostly
re d. A m a k e s h i f t stretcher was constructed and
they took turns carr ying me back to camp. I think
they liked the idea of using their first aid exper tise.
The hospital sewed me up and sent me back to c amp.

The most memorable thing that happened at this

time was when I made the front page of the London
Free Press with a big pic ture of me running af ter
and grabbing a pig at the local fairs' Greased Pig
Contest. M y m o m e n t o f f a m e !

Finding a foster home for a couple of teenage boys

was not easy but af ter a year or so one was found in
the town of Pa r k hill. Away we go again!

Par t 9. My buddy Randy

The idea of “fr iends” never worked ver y well for

me. I t made me too uncomfor table. M y s o c i a l s k ills
were limited. You get the pic ture. An exception was
a guy I hung with when I was thir teen and living at
an orphanage. He was such a friendly, outgoing guy
that he could have all the friends he wanted.

102
 We didn't want to go to school one da y and
decided to run away. Neither of us had any
par ticular place we wanted to go until I thought of
my big sister Shirley who I hadn't seen for a few
years. She lived about 300 miles aw ay which
sounded like a pretty good go, so we headed for the
main highway and thumbed a ride as far as the
outskir ts of Guelph. I don't think the 401 existed then,
so it must have been the old #2. This was 1957.

One thing you are not supposed to do is hitchhike

at the bottom of a hill which makes sense because
that's when people want to accelerate not slow
down. A cop told us that when he stopped to check
us out. R andy got so ner vous that the cop got
suspicious and star ted ask ing questions. “C ” as in
Charles, “O ” as in ocean, “U” as in Union, “G” as in
G e o rge, “H” as in Henr y, “L” as in Lincoln, “E” as in
Edward, and “ R ” a s i n R o b e r t, was one of those
things that just stuck in my mind foreve r. That's
what the cop used when he called dispatch and gave
them my name. We had another ride….to the local
police station.

The Children's Aid S o c i e t y i n London was called.

Since it was approaching evening and too late for
them to come and get us, arrangements were made
for us to st ay at the nearby Guelph Refo rmator y for
the night. I t used to be a concentration camp
during Wo r ld War 2. When we went in I recall seeing

103
 a ver y long line of k ids coming down a staircase
wear ing white towels and going into the washroom
for showers. Another line was for m i n g for those
who had finished. I t looked like there was still an
armed fo rces influence

We were taken to quar ters that were called,

“Solitar y Confinement, ” or “ The Hole, ” and “ The
Dungeon. ” Separated, they put us in cells that had
no light fix ture, a urine-stained mattress, and a
bucket for a toilet. I t was a long time before I fell
asleep. Breakfast was dr y toast and tea. The C.A.S.
came and got us in the late morning

A few years later, I went back to London for a visit

and read in the paper that R andy was in the local
lockup charged with armed robber y of a jewelr y
store. He was arrested with a woman at a local
hotel. ( The beauty was in the bed and the booty was
under it.)

I went to visit him . To o much time and change had

come between us so the visit was shor t. I never saw
him again but he is not forgotten.

Par t 10. To Carol

Pa r k hill was a sulphur town which made the air

smell like rotten eggs and the water taste like, “ Yuk!”
Finding a foster home for two teenage brothers
wasn't easy and I suspec t that the people who took

104
 us in needed the money. I t wasn't a lot but enough
to ma k e i t wor th their while. They weren't ve r y fond
of us but I take my hat off to them any way. I t took a
year and a half to find someone. I f I h a d a s ay in the
matter, I would have stayed at the orphanage.
Ac t ually, it was called a receiving home. A holding
place till something else was found.

The foster father was an alcoholic who had t wo

thirds of his stomach removed because of some k ind
of poisoning while work ing as a mechanic. M a k e s
me wonder how there was room for enough bo oze
to get the desired effect. He retched a lot. They
were middle aged and he had tak en early
retirement. The foster mother worked at the local
high school ca fe teria. She brought us home
lef tovers which I think was better than it ending up
in the garbage. M y b rother and I had big appetites
and we weren't fussy about what we ate.

I would describe the way they were with us as

“ barely tolerant.” I thought it was comical when
during an altercation she went af ter me with a
broom like she was tr ying to sweep me out the door.
I went f or a long walk to give her time to chill. They
weren't so bad and were just tr ying to get by. I was
just your basic troubled teen and didn't want to give
them a hard time but we had an occasional
disagreement.

105
 He always watched “H o c k e y N i g h t i n C a n a d a .” That
was when it was the original six teams. This was the
late fif ties and we watched shows like Don Messer's
J ubilee and the Ed Sullivan Show. Two things we did
together were eating and watching T V.

Although I rarely went to church, I was still an altar

b oy. The pr iest had such a hard time getting boys
that he paid k ids to do it and I needed the money
even if it was just a couple of dollars.

Some little old ladies looked a little put off at me

when I won t he church euchre tournament. I'm a
card player from way back….so far back I can't
remember when I got into it. First prize was a pen
and pencil set.

Two girls from my school asked me to meet them at

a park near my place. Carol was a beautiful red head
who was a cheerleader. I made a big play for her
and we ended up going steady. Later she told me
that the plan in the park was for me to go for the
other girl. We had an on and off relationship that
was ve r y exciting because she was my first
girlfriend. In retrospec t I think she wanted to break
it off permanently but I was ve r y persistent that we
stay together. One winter during a big snow storm I
found out that she was with some friends out in the
countr y. Craz y to see her, I tried to bike to her along
a highway and a countr y road. When I was too

106
 exhausted to go any far ther, someone stopped and
gave me a ride

There was a pool hall that I hung at quite a lot and

there was a restaurant that was a meeting place for
teens. I t had machines at each booth that you put
money in to hear songs from the jukebox .

When I was about six teen, I was surprised when my

sister Shirley who hadn't been in touch much,
arranged for us to stay with he r. We moved to
Cornwall but when the Catholic Children's Aid
S o c i e t y found out that she wasn't Catholic, we were
sent to a foster home near by. I t didn't work out so
we were allowed to go back to my sister. We had
b een separated for seven years.

Par t 11. INTO THE WORK FORCE

The year was 1961 and I was seventeen going to

high school i n Cor n w a l l . I t took me two years to
complete grade nine and I had just failed ten. I was
too unstable to apply myself to the scholastical, so
it was decided that I would tr y to learn a trade in
butchering. A six month course was being offered
in W indsor and I had a couple of months to k ill
b efo re it star ted in the fall.

I found a job on a tobacco farm, near Delhi.

When I star te d, the tobacco plants were just a few

inches tall and needed to be weeded. S o m a ny long

107
 rows in the hot summer sun and with a ho e, day
af ter day, for a month or so, I'd cut out the weeds
b eing c areful not to lop off the plant in the pro cess.
The hardest par t of the job was k eeping motivated
in spite of the monotony. A couple of p eople
wor k ed with me but it wasn't until the plants were
much bigger that the har vest crew c ame in. M ost of
them were students lik e me.

When the har vest star ted, I was one of the pr imers,
(tobacco pick ers.) Now the plants were six or seven
feet tall and spread out so much that the light didn't
reach the ground. You had to wear rain gear in the
mor ning b ec ause of the heav y dew and you star ted
with the sand leaves, (the ones at the b ottom.) You
would b end down to the ground, pull off the b ottom
leaves and put them under your other ar m. I f you
weren't a smok er, you b ec ame one b ec ause the
plants gave off heav y fumes. There are many whose
backs c an't tak e all that b ending and whose lungs
c an't tak e the smell. I quick ly found out that I was
one of those p eople. I pushed myself for a while
with hop es of getting used to it, but I got so sick I
couldn't continue.

I don't know what I did for the rest of the day

because all the other jobs were taken. Some of it was
probably just recuperating under the nearest tree.

When the day was done, there were those who said

108
 that this was a common o ccur rence and I should
give it another tr y tomor row. There was even a gir l
who had tak en a shine to me who gave me a back
massage and told me she hop ed that I'd b e able to
stay. This was my first real job and I didn't want to
fail and I don't usually have sweet young women
pursuing me but I k new there was no way I could do
the wor k. I was ver y disapp ointed the nex t mor ning
when I pack ed my suitc ase, said quick go o dbyes and
headed for the highway

I got a job at a drive-in restaurant on the outskir ts of

London slinging burgers. This was my introduction to
shor t-order cooking and I did it for a couple of weeks
until it was time for my course to star t.

Par t 12. The Butcher

R iverside D r ive with a view of the D etroit sk yline

was where I found a little bachelor apar tment. I t
was walk ing distance to E ssex Pack ers M eat Pack ing
Plant. M y butcher ing course was at a
slaughter house. The intro duc tor y tour showed us a
gruesome wor k place. I quick ly found out that we
provided free lab our throughout the plant. This was
much different than lear ning to b e a retail butcher.
Wor k ing at night in the b oning ro om to ok some
getting used and I also wor k ed in the b ox ro om,
sausage ro om and grading hides on the k ill flo or.

I star ted on the k ill flo or using an elec tr ic pro d to

109
 move the p igs along a chute that led to the trap
do or and the k iller. They k new what was happ ening
and didn't lik e it. The k ill flo or got exciting when a
pig or steer got lo ose. The gun had to b e placed at
a par ticular sp ot on the forehead and fired a
contained ro d which was then pulled out.
Unconscious, the animal ’s throat was then slit and
the c arc ass dump ed on a conveyor b elt which to ok
it up to a large vat of hot water. I t b othered me
when the k iller would get sadistic. I should have
rep or ted it to the insp ec tor but that was
problematic. H op efully, seeing that I didn't approve
k ept it to a minimum. The whole k ill flo or
exp er ience gave me nightmares.

While tak ing the course, I also had a par t time job
at a butcher shop in a nearby, indo or far mers'
mar k et on S aturdays. One evening, af ter hours, I
was ask ed to help cut up a cow that was brought in
through the back way. S omething had k illed it and
they wanted to sneak it by the insp ec tors. The flesh
was dar k b ec ause it hadn't b een bled prop er ly. The
meat would b e ground up and put into hamburger
or sausages. This was done in an adjoining indo or
par k ing lot where the lighting was p o or and I was
so ner vous that I cut myself.

When I was halfway through the cou rse, it was

closed down. Lo c al newspap ers ran stor ies on the

110
 front page that the plant was infiltrated by
organized cr ime. The course was gover nment
funded so I supp ose they wanted to distance
themselves.

I t wasn't wor th a lot, but I was given a cer tific ate of

passing the course even though I only completed
half the six months required. I was offered a job
grading hides on the k ill flo or but declined. The
whole exp er ience was so depressing and anxiet y-
provok ing that it led me to b eing in hospital for a
couple of months.

Years later when I decided to give butcher ing

another tr y, the exp er ience of the course help ed to
get me in the do or. For ab out ten years, I made a
prett y go o d living doing piece wor k deb oning b eef.

I lik e change and var iet y in my life and have

lear ned to mak e my living in different ways. I
wor k ed at co ok ing, bak ing, butcher ing, c ak e
decorating, hairdressing, dair y man, and c ab-dr iving.

Par t 13. H op elessness

The depression got so bad that I couldn't go to

wor k. I'd b een mak ing a go o d living dr iving a taxi in
Toronto for ten years. The last couple of years had
b een all day, prescheduled Wheel Trans runs which
were great. M ayb e I just needed to tak e a little
holiday. Af ter a few days in my dar k and drear y

111
 room in a basement, things didn't improve. I was
into calligraphy and star ted writing beautiful
suicide letters on my easel.

The only other person living in the house was the

landlady upstairs so I waited until she was not
home. Then, around 2:00 A.M., I took my cassette
playe r, a bottle of whiskey and the hose to my
vacuum cleaner out to the car. I hooked up the hose
to the exhaust and star ted the car feeling good that
this miserable existence was going to end.

Af ter twenty minutes or so I was getting a little

pissed off that it was tak ing so long. Then I saw a
young guy walk ing towards me on the sidewalk in

112
 front of the driveway w h e r e I w a s p a r k ed. I tried to
slowly drop down but he saw me with the car
running and the big hose going into the back
window. He came up to the car and asked if I was all
r ight. I turned off the ca r, grabbed my stuff and told
him I was ok ay as I walked back and into the house.

A few minutes later, there was a k no ck at my door

and as I expec ted, it was a couple of cops. They said
that a neighbour had called them. When I told them
I was ok ay now they asked to come in . They took a
look at my calligraphy and told me they wanted to
take me to the hospital to be checked out.

I was surprised at how fast they drov e. The E.R.

detec ted high levels of carbon monoxide in my
blood, so I was given oxygen. Then I was put in a see-
through room where a security guard kept watch all night.

In the morning I was admitted to the psych ward

where I stayed for two weeks.

When I went hom e, I star ted seeing a therapist a

couple of times a week who put me on
antidepressants. This helped but I still couldn't face
the rat race of the work place. The landlady raised
my rent and I couldn't find anything that I could
afford on what Welfare gave me.

I told my therapist of my situation and how I had

got rid of all my worldly possessions including my

113
 c ar, (which I got $100.00 for), and was moving to
the streets. I'd b een k eeping a jour nal and planned
to wr ite all ab out it. She got me an app ointment
with H ouselink Communit y H omes, an organization
that provides supp or tive housing for p eople with
mental illness. Af ter seeing them, they got back to
me saying that I'd b een put on a list. M y therapist
c alled H ouselink and sp ok e to them of my dire
straits. I was offered a ro om just b efore I had to
move out of my place. Although shared
accommo dation was something that I'd never have
considered b efore, I was happy and grateful to tak e
it. I'm still there and doing well. H ouselink
proved a go dsend.

114
The Dream Team
 There is no greater testament to t h e n e e d f o r

suppor tive housing than the sto r i e s o f

survivors who have lived and suffered without i t.

In 1999, a unique experiment w a s b o r n w h e n

one woman living with schizoph r e n i a s t o o d

up and told her stor y at a meeti n g o f t h e

B oards for Mental Health Housi n g S e r v i c e s.

Inspired by the power of her me s s a g e, th e

group of housing advo ca tes sug g e s t e d s h e

should continue to tell it where i t c o u l d m ake

a difference. Out of that idea cam e t h e D r e a m

Team, a group of consumers and f a m i l y

members who for ten years have t r a ve l e d t h e

province telling their individual s t o r i e s —

about the difference suppor tive h o u s i n g h a s

made in their own lives — to more than

118
10,000 people, including politicia n s, sc h o o l s,

communit y groups, and the Ontar i o H u m a n

R i g h t s Commission.

O riginally housed at the offices o f

Accommo dation Information and S u p p o r t

(AIS), the Dream Team has been h o s t e d a n d

suppor ted by Houselink since 199 7 a n d m a n y

members of the Dream Team are a l s o

Houselink members.

Their stated mission is to demonstrate the

life-altering benefits of suppor tive h o u s i n g

for people living with mental illn e s s, m a n y o f

whom ha ve been homeless. I n t h e p r o c e s s, t h e

D r e a m Team fights against the stigma that is

often associated with mental illness and in the

process strives to eliminate NIMBYi s m .

T h e s e a r e s o m e o f t h e i r s t o r i e s.

119
 Ad d re s s by Linda
C h a m b e r l ain:

No one reall y k n ows wh at i t i s l i k e unt i l t h ey

exp er ience livi n g i n a da r k, da mp ro om w i t h n o
windows, no re fr i ge rati o n , n o h e at a n d n o r i g ht s. At
the time I felt fo r t un ate just to h ave a ro o f ove r my
head and a b ed to sl e e p i n . I p a i d $ 5 5 0 . 0 0 a m o n t h f o r
this, a cock roach and mouse infested room with the
b e d s p r i n g s t h a t s c r a t c h e d m y b o d y. T h e b e d s p r i n g s
m a d e i t i m p o s s i b l e f o r m e t o s l e e p, s o I c h a n g e d
mattresses only to find the new mattress was loaded
with bed bugs. As horrible as this picture may seem,
it was actually worse than I can describe. I was
suffering from severe depression and finding myself
i n a n d o u t o f h o s p i t a l r e p e a t e d l y. I l i v e d i n p l a c e s
like this for a good par t of my life. Believe me, it was
no life. I felt like a zombie and I was just going
through the motions tr ying to sur vive with no
s e n s e o f s e l f - e s t e e m , s e l f - r e s p e c t , d i g n i t y, p u r p o s e
or hope.Then my life changed when I became
involved in a program called Progress Place, which
gave me many oppor tunities and chances for

120
 self-growth. One of the best things that ever
happened to me was the oppor tunity they gave
me to move into Suppor tive Housing Coalition
h o u s i n g. Fo r t h e f i r s t t i m e i n m y l i f e I f e l t s a f e . I
had suppor t and it was affordable. When I first
saw my 1-bedroom apar tment I couldn't believe it
was mine. I didn't think that I deser ved such a
beautiful place. I actually thought it might have
been a mistake and it would be taken away from
me. I had windows and they opened and I could
see out. Oh, the light, the sun! I could smell the
grass, hear the birds. I had my own bedroom, my
own washroom. I have a full kitchen with a stove
a n d a r e f r i g e r a t o r. N o w I a m a b l e t o c o o k m y o w n
meals and I c an enter tain with pr ide. The most
str ik ing change to my life has b een the pr ivac y,
p eace, quiet and cleanliness. The space…I'm talk ing
huge. M y own apar tment, with a balcony. This
changed my attitude dramatic ally, affec ting all par ts
of my life. I've wor k ed several par t-time jobs: I'm on
the SHC B oard of D irec tors. I do consultations
through Pro gress Place training and visited
pro grams which have tak en me across Canada, USA
and abroad. I now reco gnize my r ights as a p erson
and as a tenant and advo c ate for myself and others.
My confidence is growing. Is it ever nice to be able to
stand up for myself and say “no”. My life has
completely changed since I moved into my own
apar tment. It is not just an apar tment, it is my home.

121
 Neil's Stor y
M y name is Neil M cQ uaid. I am an interesting
hybr id. An MBA who is also a consumer sur vivor – a
p erson who has sur vived the mental health system.

I had a bad sp eech imp ediment as a youth and to ok

a course with for mer M ayor W illiam D ennison for my
sp eech problems. I have come to the conclusion
that you have to treat sp eech imp ediments half
psycholo gic ally and half mechanic ally.

I pushed myself as a k id to succeed and I read

ever ything I could ab out leaders lik e J ohn
Fitzgerald Kennedy. Later I studied Histor y at the
Universit y of Wester n Ontar io and to ok my MBA at
the Universit y of W indsor.

I have had an addic tion to alcohol since 1979. I was

also immature and could not get or keep a position
that was compatible with my education and training. I
b egan to have feelings of paranoia and I could

122
 not func tion at wor k. M y mind raced and I
exp er ienced a lot of mental tur moil. B ec ause of this
I did three years of wor k as volunteer at the
Canadian Institute of R eligion and G erontolo gy, the
Children's AID S o ciet y and the J ohn H oward S o ciet y.
I also wor k ed on and off dur ing this time as a
secur it y guard.

In 1981 I was placed in a psychiatr ic b oarding

house. I could not func tion and decided to sit back
and obser ve p eople. I was a loner and realized the
truth in the words of the B arbra Streisand song
which says: “p eople who need p eople are the
luck iest p eople in the wor ld. ” I also figured out that
my mental health problems c ame from having to o
many cr ises at the same time.

Ten years later, I moved into St. J ude's Communit y

H omes. B eing in supp or tive housing has help ed me
a lot. I now live in a communit y where I c an manage
and c an do the necessar y things to func tion in
so ciet y. This has increased my self esteem and I feel
secure k nowing that I have a place of my own. I have
also lear ned sk ills and have ser ved and ser ve on the
B oard of D irec tors of 3 mental health organizations.
B efore St. J ude's I had b een in and out of mental
hospitals and AA groups more than a half a dozen
times. Since 1992, I have not b een hospitalized and
I have stayed sob er. I have also decided that I must

123
 provide ser vice and help to the marginalized.

I now wor k at A-Way which is a cour ier ser vice

staffed and run by consumers lik e me. I have wor k ed
there for t wo years and this has b een the first job
that I've held in 10 years. A-Way has given me a
chance and I appreciate that. Having a c ase
supp or t wor k er has also b een an imp or tant par t of
my comeback.

Ab out t went y years ago, R ichard Needham wrote

an ar ticle in the G lob e and Mail which said that the
b est p eople mak e it to the top. That has not b een
my impression. I find that the b est p eople are also
the many compassionate and sensitive p eople at the
b ottom.

Thank You.

124
 Hugh's Story
M y n a m e i s H u g h Cameron. I came to Canada as a
landed immigrant in 1975 from Glasgow, Scotland. I
was 23 and had ser ved 5 years in the British militar y
attached to the UN peacekeeping fo rces ser ving in
Cyprus, G e r m a ny, the M iddle East, S audi Arabia,
B ahrain, and Belfast Nor thern Ireland. I was in the
ground fo rces, defense forces.

Af ter leaving the milita r y, I was sponsored by my

sister to come to Canada. My mother joined us three
months later. I found work in the auto par ts industr y
wo r k ing at car dealerships in auto par ts sales
wo r k ing with ser vice technicians and customers for
eight years. I star ted feeling detached from the
wor ld around me and had no interests. I withdrew
and shut myself off from ever ything, even my family.
I lost my job and eventually I lost my apar tment and
had to move in with my sister for a shor t p e r i o d o f

126
 time. I didn't seek professional help. I think I
was in denial.

Af ter two years I star ted to feel better and I then

got work in the elec tronics ser vice industr y work ing
again with ser vice technicians and dealer technical
suppor t for another eight years. I lef t the
elec tronics industr y in 1995, again due to a major
b out of depression and finally went to my family
do c tor. He initially diagnosed me with depression
and was treating me with medication. He then
realized that I needed treatment at a psychiatric
facility with greater exper tise in treating mental
illness and referred me to the Adult Mental Health
Clinic at Nor th York General Hospital. It was there
that I was evaluated and tested and was diagnosed
with bipolar mood disorder or manic depression. They
prescribed different medications and continued to
treat me on an out-patient basis.

I went through intensive rehabilitation therapy

programs for 15 months and was refer r e d by the
o ccupational therapist to Wo r k O n Track at Seneca
College. I t is a course that aids individuals to regain
their confidence in work sk ills. I did work
placements through the course at Goodwill Creative
S e r vices and Canadian Hearing Society and
completed the course in Februar y 1997. These
courses help ed me but I really didn't have enough

127
 confidence to go out and look for work .

At the same time, the staff at Nor th Yo r k G e n e r a l

also refe rred me to suppor tive housing as I had
b een living with my mother but had to move out
due to her serious illness. H a b i t a t S e r vices found me
a place in a boarding home in the Dundas and
Sherbourne area of Toronto. I lived there fo r t w o
years. I had a room and they provided the meals and
social recreation suppor ts were provided by COTA .

I re-applied to Houselink Community Home s, and

was given referrals to three locations and eventually
I was accepted at Harbord Street Mews where I lived
in a shared co-op for seven and an half years. I t was
a five-bedroom unit with shared common areas and
we did our own cook ing.

Af ter this time I was eligible for a self-contained

unit and had been on the waiting list for fi ve years
when a new building opened on Cox well Avenue. I
was informed about this by the intake coordinator
and was asked if I would like to move in. I was really
pleased to be given this oppor tunity and I moved
there in Apri l 2005. I now have my own one
b edroom apar tment with my own k itchen so I can
do my own cook ing. I have my own place and it feels
pretty good.

There are flexible suppor ts available from my

128
 wo rker at this building who keeps in contact with
me and helps whenever I need to talk to him. I am
now involved in the Houselink member employment
program and do va r ious jobs around the building
for which I am paid.

I am maintained on medication and see my

psychiatrist ever y three months. I have had no
admissions to hospital. I k now that without
suppor tive housing I would either be in hospital or
on the street.

129
 My n a m e i s Al d o C i a n f a ra n i a n d
I live in supportive housing run
by Habitat Ser v ices.
As you can guess from my nam e, I am I talian. H o w
many I talians are out there? R aise your hands. I was
b o r n i n I taly and immigrated to Canada at the age
of 2 along with my parents and two sisters. M y
grandparents were living here and we moved in
with them. We lived in the Lansdowne/Caledonia
area of Toronto.

When I was 16, my father who worked in

construc tion broke his leg in an accident. I had to
leave school and go out to work mak ing and
delivering Pizza to help out the family. Af ter my
father got out of the hospital, I would drive him
back and for th to the therapist. Also around this
time my mother passed aw ay and when my father
remarried I lef t home to live on my own.

130
 The death of my m o t h e r w a s a k e y f a ctor that
brought on my mental illness as I missed her
terribly and I still do. I began to be depressed and
even tried suicide. I also had problems dealing with
my anger. Fa mily members told me to be strong.

For 33 years I tried to make a life of my own but

each time I got ill, I would lose my apar tment and
end up sleeping on park benches and in empty
buildings. I was able to work as a Disc Jockey in
nightclubs. I did weddings, banquets, baptisms,
engagements, disco dances and house par ties for 25
years. And ye s, I did have a lot of fun. In 1981, I
played for a young baby's christening par t y. To my
surprise I met him recently and he is a grown young
man and even taller than I am.

B ut that work introduced me to drugs and booze

which did not help my condition. I could not
maintain a relationship and I was hospitalized
several times. M y l i fe was going around in circles.

Once when I was evic ted from an apar tment, I was

referred to COSTI, an agenc y that mainly ser ves
I talian immigrants. They were able to find me a
place to live in one of Habitat's boarding homes
where I still live.

Finding a safe place to live where I felt I would not

131
 b e evic ted if I ended up in the hospital was an
imp or tant par t of my recover y. I don't do drugs or
b o oze anymore and I now have a lot of fr iends.

I also enrolled in a course and have received my

anger management cer tific ate. I am proud to say
that I have b een sob er for seven years.

At 50, I never thought that star ting life over would

b e so much fun. I have b een a memb er of St.
Chr istopher H ouse's Communit y K itchen for four
years where I volunteer as a co ok. I was also
intro duced to COTA, who were ver y nice to me and
ask ed me to b e on a committee. I am also on the
B oard of Habitat S er vices and ser ve on three
standing committees.

Supp or tive H ousing has b een an imp or tant par t of

my recover y. For me Life is sweet again.

Thank You.

132
 Mark's Stor y.
M y name is M ar k Shapiro. I am a pare nt and Habitat
S er vices b oard memb er. Af ter many years, my son
Kenny, who suffers from severe obsessive
compulsive disorder, now fits into the communit y.

Af ter years of family disruption, in and out of

hospitals, from one psychiatr ist to another,
searching in vain for direc tion and b ec ause of his
obsessive compulsive disorder, we were constantly
at o dds…..with no co-op eration from Kenny.

Living on the streets, the constant anguish and

panic, not k nowing where he was…was he safe?? At
times, he would show up at my studio…..a street
p erson…..my son!!

In our desp erate search, we finally were able to

connec t Kenny into the system providing mental
health ser vices of suppor t and housing.

134
 Rochelle Goldman of the Chai Tikvah foundation
opened that door. Habitat ser vices and the COTA
organization provided the essentials for Kenny's daily
living.

This major supp or t led Kenny to get a job and get

his own apar tment — subsidized by Chai T ikvah, a
supp or tive housing agenc y in nor th Toronto — as
well as to tak e his own medic ation and be
responsible for the essentials of his daily life.

Kenny is ear ning his own living wor k ing five days a
week for the past 10 years, with S.P.R.I.N.T. ( S enior
People R esources in Nor th Toronto).

The ser vice Kenny p er for ms is dr iving seniors daily

to their medic al app ointments and one day for fo o d
shopping. The elder ly p eople Kenny picks up daily
have b ecome his fr iends.

S everal years ago, I develop ed an infec tion which

c aused my spinal column to collapse and compress
my spinal cord, leaving me paralyzed from the waist
down….for a p er io d of time.

M ar y Lou, my wife and ro ck, has b een there for me

and us, from 9 am to 9 pm daily dur ing six months in
the hospital and three months of rehabilitation. O f
course b eing home to gether now is the ultimate joy.

Kenny has b een a daily major supp or t as well. M uch

as we are a supp or t for him, Kenny tur ned what he

135
 saw as his resp onsibilit y to us.

H e consults with his psychiatr ist and Chai T ikvah

supp or t wor k er on a regular basis. H e has a
memb ership in a gym, wor ks out a few times a week
and o cc asionally comes with us to wor k out and
so cialize at Var iet y V illage – a place for all abilities.
No words c an express the feelings and relief a
parent has….to have their son or daughter func tion
nor mally and enjoy a life connec ted to communit y,
and esp ecially family.

We tak e comfor t in k nowing that when we “pass

on, ” our child will always have a safe and secure
affordable home.

For this, as a parent, I give hear tfelt thanks to the

gover nment sources, and at the same time, ask for
their continued supp or t.

“Supp or tive housing is a cor nerstone in the

foundation to recover y. W ithout it, the emergenc y
wards, the jails, and the streets b ecome the default
options. ”

– M ichael Wilson, former federal minister and

head of Toronto Peel implementation task force,
and now Canadian ambassador to the USA.

136
 Br ian's Stor y
By Brian H arp er

M y name is B r ian and I've had a long-standing

struggle with mental health issues. M y main
diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a
list of other psychological conditions, I've been told,
including a rare disorder called Klein Levin Syndrome.

S ome thir te en years ago I discovered I was HIV

Positive. And around that time I was also infor med I
had H epatitis C. As well, I have a long histor y
with addic tions.

The fac t that I suffered from multiple disorders and

conditions has made it ver y difficult to receive
treatment and supp or t.

In 2004 I was told, b ec ause of the H ep C, I have

only five years to live. D ue to my issues with mental
illness, esp ecially depression, I was told I did not
qualit y for Inter feron treatment.

However, thanks to the help that I received from

different supportive housing providers, I was able to

138
 navigate through those difficult times, obtaining and
maintaining treatment.

M cEwan H ousing and Supp or t S er vices is an

agenc y that provides ongoing supp or t for p eople
who suffer from HIV, mental health, and addic tion
issues. They provide Case M anagement for p eople
living in their supp or tive housing units, and for
others living elsewhere in the commu nit y.

They were pivotal with helping me advocate for the

Interferon treatment. They helped me to coordinate a
care team, set up appointments, and they ensured that
key information was shared among my health care
providers. This was very important, as my cognition and
memory were very poor during this time.

While in treatment I had several respite admissions

at Casey H ouse. They supp or ted me through their
H ome H ospice Care Pro gram. M y nurse, Lisa Shishi,
saw me in my home at least once p er week, more
of ten if needed. She help ed me with monitor ing my
medic ation regimen.

I was also able to utilize M cEwan H ouse for

numerous respite stays, af ter many hospitalizations.

Since 1993, I've lived in my own apar tment at Fife

House, an agency that provides supportive, independent
living. They have a small office on site, with very helpful
staffing during the day and early evening.

139
 B ec ause of the Inter feron treatment, and all the
supp or t I received from these var ious agencies, I am
glad to say I am now free from H epatitis C.

M y HIV is now manageable. And my mental health

has stabilized and is the b est it has ever b een.

I first found M cEwan H ousing and Supp or t S er vices

in 1999. At that time, my life was in complete
tur moil. M y mental health had severely deter iorated
and my addic tions were totally out of control. I felt
suicidal much of the time.

At first, they supp or ted me at my home. And then

they offered me a ro om at M cEwan H ouse, where
there is 24 hour staff supp or t. I lived with them for
close to t wo years. Their patience and compassion
has help ed me change my life.

M y Communit y Supp or t Wor k er from M cEwan

H ousing and Supp or t S er vices continues to assist
me with prett y much ever y asp ec t of my life. I see
my psychiatr ist on a week ly basis, at St. M ichael's
H ospital, and my medic al do c tor on a monthly basis.
M y CSW wor ks closely with b oth to facilitate my
health c are. I c an count on getting advi ce and
emotional supp or t, and when needed, advo c ac y as I
wor k hard to create a b etter life for myself.

W ithout M cEwan H ousing and Supp or t S er vices, I'm

not sure where I would b e r ight now. B ut I do k now
my life has b een greatly improved b ec a use of the
supp or t I've received from them.

140
 Heather's Story.
H e l lo. M y n a m e i s H e a t h e r Cunningham. I have
b een suffering from a diagnosed mental illness for
four years. The histor y of my mental illness began
with failure, and a sequence of unexplained events
within my family. I t was hard to accept mental
illness and all that came with it. I had a number of
diagnoses followed by examination from specialists,
and a sequence of student doc tors ask ing difficult
questions. Some of the issues I had not thought
about to the best of my k nowledge. I grew up
within a family struc ture of parents, a nd many step
brothers, half sisters, a nd an older sister. Through
acceptance of myself, and k nowing all along that
there are consequences for ac tions. K n o w i n g t h a t i t
was drug use wasn't a clear ac tion at all. When I
first got sick I was tree planting in Nor thern
Ontario. I couldn't keep work ing, my think ing was
delusional. M y s e n s e o f feeling had depleted and I

142
 was internally depressed. The adverse effects
narcotic drugs had on me, as I was using them for an
emotional dependenc y, was consequential to my
mental health, wellness... and success in life. I
wanted to be somebod y, and always have. As soon
as I was hospitalized, I k new the medications would
be with my routines, and through maturity I began
tak ing the medications that would turn my life
around. Finding a psychiatrist is so difficult.

M any put hard hours into being witnesses to

do c tor- diagnosed conditions and meeting people
of suppor t to the client. D e veloping a mature
wo r k ing relationship with a psychiatrist is
impor tant. I wanted the do c tor to help me the way I
wanted to be helped. I ingested va r i o u s t y p e s o f
anti-psycho therapeutic drugs, and anti-
depressants. The names of oral medications I have
taken are: Zolof t, Lithium, Olanzapine Zydis,
Tr i leptal, Topamax, Clozapine, a n d S e r i q u i l . I
struggled in the job market finding jobs and then
leaving without notification between the multiple
hospitalizations. This was all a change, that
impac ted my life and at times reversed my goals. I
was a university student, at the University of
Western Ontario for three years. Housing, which is
the main objec tive, and concentration of the Dream
Team, was a setback laced with fear. B e c a u s e o f
inadequate housing from hospital into home, I

143
 eventually had no fixed address. I, a universit y
student and someone who had completed high
scho ol as an honours student, was holding out my
wretched hands, receiving fo o d and mo ney from
p eople, and living homeless. D ur ing my time
sleeping outdo ors, I had an exp er ience that haunts
me to this day. I was rap ed. H ow do I come to ter ms
with my b o dy b eing defiled? I needed help. What
did I do? I awaited a new place. I pack ed my things,
le aving some unused items b ehind, and I went to a
shelter. From there the streets, so to sp eak, found
me. Nor th Yor k Supp or t S er vices is an organization
based in Sc arb orough that provides the initiative
for homeless p eople and to help p ersons dealing
with addic tion and mental health issues. There was
a woman who wor ks sp ecific ally in a homeless
initiative pro gram. She visited me that day, t wo
years ago, when I had no fixed address. We worked hard
to get me into the system and our efforts were
successful. That day changed my life. I knew there was
hope.

I lived in supp or tive housing with LOFT Crosslink's

housing and supp or t ser vices for almost t wo years,
which provided supp or t wor k ers, trust par tners, and
put me in touch with organizations p er taining to
mental wellness. Pushing for ward and wor k ing
myself into freedom of the mind and b o dy, I used
the resources around me to find a lovely women's
group that provided free counseling. Once I was

144
 able to let those emotions play out, it was hard tio
b elieve that all this had happ ened. I was rap ed and
I used drugs. M y cur rent psychiatr ist saw me
through much of my ordeal. I've now b een with
Crosslink for more than t wo years. They have
listened to my ideas and plugged things in place for
me to discover all that I wanted to b e, to b elieve in
myself, and do go o d things; to tak e ac tion. As a
memb er of the D ream Team, I c an now b e a fr iend to
those who need it and to resp ec t the voices of the
fabulous women and men that are suffer ing. I have
now b een clean from hard drugs for more than a
year. I am back in scho ol and check ing off my list
of goals as they come my way. I am going to b e
someb o dy, and I am someb o dy.

145
 D ennis's Stor y.
M y name is D ennis M orenc y and I live in supp or tive
housing provided by M ainstay H ousin g.

I grew up in Toronto. At the age of four teen on the

last day of G rade 9 classes at scho ol, I to ok a tab
of LSD. I got this from a pusher at my scho ol and I
decided to tr y it for fun. I t was a sc ar y and ter r ifying
exp er ience but I continued tak ing drugs b ec ause of
peer pressure and also because after a smoke of
marijuana, I felt really good. I was having a good time.

Three years later, I was walk ing down the street

when I heard a voice that sounded lik e my sister
telling me that my dad was in the mafia. From then
on I b elieved my father was a gangster and involved
with organized cr ime. H owever my father was
ac tually a ver y hard wor k ing transit wor k er. The
voices got worse and they b egan to tak e over my
life and were ver y prominent in my mind. I would

146
 walk down the street ranting and raving at the
voices. I star ted seeing objec ts. For example, I saw
eyes and faces all over buildings, all over my ro om,
ever y where. They talk ed to me. I also felt that I
couldn't get along with my father and I lef t home.

I moved into a ro oming house and got welfare.

H owever I star ted sp ending all my money on drugs
and dr ink. I was out of control and so on I was
admitted to the Q ueen Street M ental H ealth Centre.
H ere they put me on anti-psychotic drugs and I
stayed for three months.

When I got out of Q ueen Street, I discovered that I

had lost my ro om. I lef t Toronto and hitchhik ed all
over S outher n Ontar io wor k ing as a far m-hand. I had
no steady place to live and found shelter where I
could. S ometimes I slept by the road. I was a real
hob o! A dr if ter. I then decided to travel out to the
West Coast and I wor k ed when I could – here and
there. The voices stayed with me but I managed. I
was not tak ing any medic ation. I felt i nsecure, I had
no place to hang my hat.

Once when I was cher r y pick ing, I met a ver y prett y

gir l from Toronto. This gave me the imp etus to
come back to Toronto. B ut that lasted only a shor t
time. I found I couldn't get along with p eople and
b ec ause of my quar relsome nature, neither my
family nor fr iends would tak e me in. I was homeless

147
 again and I was not tak ing any medic ation. I b egan
to scream and eventually my mother who had given
me a place to stay in her basement, had a mental
health nurse come and see me. The nurse
readmitted me to Q ueen Street and with drugs, I
was able to reduce the impac t of the voices.

When I was discharged from Q ueen Street, I was

given a ro om in a house run by R egeneration H ouse.
I stayed here for five years and dur ing this time they
help ed me to live a fair ly nor mal life. I lear ned to
live with others and I to ok my medic ation regular ly.
D ur ing these five years, I was not admitted to the
hospital.

I got restless and lef t my housing at R egeneration

H ouse to mak e some money pick ing tobacco. B ut I
couldn't find wor k and I retur ned to Toronto. I was
sick of tak ing medic ation and decided to stop
tak ing my meds. Once again I was ac ting strange
and I ended up back at Q ueen Street. Once I was
back on medic ation, I c almed down and when I was
discharged, I moved into a ro om at a co-op run by
Supp or tive H ousing Coalition. H ere I lived with
others and I had a wor k er who k ept an eye on me to
ensure I was tak ing my meds. I had one more
relapse and th at was 8 years ago.

Now I live in a bachelor apar tment with M ainstay

H ousing. I love my apar tment ver y much. I am ver y
thankful to have it. I feel stable and feel I am no

148
 longer on the fr inges of so ciet y. I am on the B oard
of D irec tors of M ainstay H ousing and I ser ve on the
Advisor y B oard for the Sp ec trum Clinic. I wr ite
p o etr y. I paint. I am now reconnec ted with my family
and we finally get along just fine.

Supp or tive H ousing has help ed me incredibly. I still

hear voices, ever y day all day – but my medic ation
and my housing are stable and in control. I am now
happy to sp eak out for more supp or tive housing for
p eople with mental health problems. There are
thousands on the street who are where I was. I hop e
they to o will find a place to c all home just as I did.

149
 MY EXPERIENCE WITH
SUPPOR TIVE HOUSING.
By D a wn D'C ruz

I had no idea how imp or tant supp or tive housing

was until I b ec ame a B oard memb er at H ouselink
Communit y H omes. For years I have lived with
family on my own and/or with my daughter, but I
never realized how necessar y supp or tive housing
was until I needed it.

I joined H ouselink in 1998. That was 10 years ago

and I immediately got a job as a communit y k itchen
co ok. I wor k ed for them for t wo years but then quit
to go back to scho ol and c ame back again for
another couple of years when I could not find a job
and k new they would give me a second chance. I
c ame back a third time to b ecome their new relief
K itchen Facilitator and this is where I plan to stay. I
have par ticipated in different pro gram meetings

150
 and have b een to numerous so cial re creation
pro grams. I even went on a B oundless Adventure in
summer of 2003, which was most gratifying, as well
as numerous c amping tr ips. In 2004, I joined the
H ouselink B oard of D irec tors where I have had an
ac tive voice in running the organization and have
gained consi derable insight into supp or tive
housing.

I lef t my par tner in 2004 b ec ause I realized that he

was abusing me and now I have problems with
relationships. I c an't seem to find Mr. R ight b ec ause
Mr. Wrong k eeps pick ing me. Now this abuse had
gone on for over a year and it was b ecoming
unb earable. I needed to move into a communit y
with p eople so I applied to H ouselink b ec ause I
k new H ouselink accepted psychiatr ic sur vivors and I
had b een diagnosed at the tender age of 18 with
schizophrenia. B ack then I saw vision s and heard
voices. Now all I see is Oral R ob er ts on V ision T.V.
When I was 18 I was hit by a ho ck ey ball on the side
of my head and I had a severe concussion but just
slept it off and did nothing ab out it. Ten days later I
went to my first high scho ol dance, where I was
given a drugged cok e and I immediately lost my
mind. Eventually I was hospitalized and lab eled. B ut
years later when I needed supp or tive housing,
H ouselink was r ight there for me when I needed
them, I f not for H ouselink I would have gone to

151
 the shelter but H ouselink was there for me.
Supp or tive housing is essential for p eople who
need it and ser ving on the B oard of H ouselink for
the last four years, I have witnessed the wonder ful
stor ies of p eople thr iving in this communit y of
shar ing, fr iendship and love. H ouselink is a place
where people can call home and that always feels ver y
good. Ever yone needs a place they can call home.

Although I live in a Co-op, I have my supp or ts in

place so I c an thr ive not just sur vive. H ouselink
supp or ts its live-in memb ers and non-resident
memb ers lik e myself in other supp or tive ways, such
as the S o cial R ecreation Pro gram, the Communit y
K itchens, and other innovative ac tivities. I f not for
these pro grams I would never have made so many
wonder ful fr iends and I am esp ecially grateful to
H ouselink for that.

Ever yone needs supp or ts, whether from family, or

fr iends or p eople of faith or communit y memb ers or
professionals. This is what mak es us thr ive.

S o, advo c ate for Supp or tive H ousing b ec ause we

definitely need more of it.

152
 Jane's Stor y
H ello, M y name is Jane Pr itchard. I grew up in a
family where my father was angr y, silent, and abu -
sive and my mother was having troubles with her
own life. H er wor ld was in her head and so she
really neglec ted her k ids.

As a result, I k ept ver y quiet and out of the way so

that no one would notice me. This meant that I
didn't talk. I could say hello and how are you and
answer yes or no, but I couldn't c ar r y on a
conversation. B ec ause of this, I was ver y shy and
lonely and depressed. I grew up that way and
b ec ame an isolated adult.

I had no friends and no life outside of my job. I

worked for a long time at the librar y, and the staff
where I worked socialized with each other. They would
go out to lunch together and go home together. I
heard them making plans for activities in the evening

153
 and on the weekends. Ever y day I was painfully
conscious that I could not par ticipate in a normal life.
At the end of the workday I would go home, lock the
door, turn on the television until it was time for bed.
My depression deepened to the point where I lost my
ability to speak. I couldn't live this way any longer,
couldn't bear the feeling and so I decided to kill myself.

I went to see a psychiatr ist and thus b egan the

long tor turous jour ney through the mental health
system.

After many years of repeated hospitalizations, two of

them for over a year, I was referred to a community
mental health agency where I found a therapist who
worked with me in a different way. That therapy,
coupled with medication, enabled me to leave the
hospital for go o d.

At first, I went back home to live with my parents,

but the dynamic had not changed. In fac t, it had
gotten worse. Af ter t wo years, I was faced with the
choice again – mak e a change or k ill myself.

S o I moved to a rent geared to income apar tment

with no supp or ts attached. I still struggled with
depression b ec ause I was all alone. Still alone, no
one to talk to or help me.

A fellow sur vivor told me ab out LOFT, for mer ly

Anglic an H ouses, a supp or tive housing agenc y
where he lived. H e encouraged me to fill out an

154
 application, which I did, not believing that I would
really get an apar tment.

To my surprise and delight, they had an apar tment

available; it seems it was just waiting for me!

I now have an apar tment with a bedr oom with a

door that closes. I no longer have to sleep in my
living room . For the first few months, I walked
around the apar tment think ing that this place is too
go o d for me. I don't have the right to be here.
However, I adapted to my wonder ful surroundings and
have found a suppor t system and a family that
enables me to live what I think of as a real life.

Now this is my life…

155
 Lisa's Story
By Lisa G arel.

I lef t home at 15 b ec ause I thought I could do

b etter on my own. I had b een moving from one
parent to the other, and b ec ause of this I didn't
attend a consistent scho ol. I really wa nted to use
scho ol to help me and one scho ol in par ticular
showed me how imp or tant educ ation could b e. I got
my grade 10 but I decided to go out to wor k and not
go fur ther in scho ol.

I spent the next fifteen years living in rooms;

occasionally back with my parents and in shelters. At
one point I was even homeless and I slept in a park.
But I wasn't coming in contact with the right type of
people and I was doing street drugs at this time.

D ur ing this p er io d I did go to the psychiatr ic ward

at Yor k Finch H ospital and at the Clar k Institute and

156
 saw a psychiatr ist. I saw other counselors at a
var iet y of agencies over this time as well. I was
diagnosed with different t yp es of depression and
was prescr ib ed Paxil. I t did help me through some
tough times but I really didn't lik e the idea of
tak ing medic ation and the way I felt when I was on
it. I would get negative thoughts and I was
concer ned ab out the side effec ts so I would stop
tak ing the medic ation but I was also concer ned
ab out stable housing.

I talk ed to a counselor who wor k ed for a housing

and supp or t agenc y and I got some hop e from her.
B y this time I had prett y much stopp ed doing street
drugs and I didn't want to k eep b eing involved in
the street lifest yle. I wanted more stabilit y in my life
and to do things prop er ly. I was getting supp or t and
I was able to use that supp or t but on the other hand
not having stable housing made it ver y difficult. I
star ted to apply to different housing agencies.

I moved from one place to another for a numb er of

years any where from ro oming houses to b oarding
homes to church basements in the Out of the Cold
Pro gram. I felt I was heading in the wrong
direc tion. I was mentally drained and I felt I really
needed something. I went to a women's shelter and
it was here that I finally star ted to get my mental
stabilit y back. I also had a stable relationship that
supp or ted me. I felt safe here and they refer red me

157
 to another house that provided me with a
comfor table and secure place to live. Af ter a year I
became pregnant. The staff, at the house, was ver y
suppor tive even though I couldn't stay there once
my s o n w a s b o r n. M y counselor was instrumental in
getting me my current suppor tive housing with
M a i n s t ay Housing. I've been in this apar tment for
almost six years with my son. I feel I am more stable
now. Once you are in a place of your own I think the
stability is good. I t has enabled me to grow.

I am happy that I am in housing now but it doesn't

make ever ything pic ture per fec t. I need the suppor t
as well to help me to get through the tough times
because there still are tough times. I talk to support
workers and counselors when I need it. I think you need
the combination of stable housing with supports.

158
 M argaret's Stor y
By M argaret Redford

B r iefly, my histor y of mental illness b egan in 1965

and for 10 years I suffered only o cc asional episo des
of schizophrenia. For the most par t, I func tioned
well with medic ation. In 1977, I suddenly b ec ame
ver y ill and had hallucinations and delusions
non-stop for the nex t 15 years until my do c tors
tr ied prescr ibing clozopine, which seemed to wor k
when no other medic ation would.

O ver the years, I have lived in a numb er of different

k inds of housing. In the 1980's, I lived in a var iet y of
group homes, in b et ween several long-ter m
hospitalizations for my condition. B eing ver y ill, I
needed the supp or t and company that a group
home offers.

I also lived in a housing co-op with H ouselink on

159
 Albany street. That was go o d housing b ec ause I was
able to c are for myself and have the b enefit of
shared accommo dation with ro ommates. I lived
there for 2 years but my goal was to ultimately
acquire an apar tment of my own. S o I lef t H ouselink
for a subsidized bachelor's apar tment.

Af ter I lef t H ouselink, I moved into a subsidized

apar tment. B ut I was ver y sick at the time and one
night I was knocked unconscious after I left a kettle
on the stove. I nearly died of smoke inhalation so I
had to move out.

160
 I found a women's residence which was lik e a
b oarding home where I lived for 2 year s until I
decided that if I was ever going to get my own
apar tment, now was the time to do it. I moved into a
not ver y nice mar k et value apar tment, but life was
difficult. In order to mak e ends meet, I had to eat at
a drop-in ever y day for my main meal.

I then applied for another subsidized apar tment

and af ter a wait of more than five years, I moved
into a nice bachelor's apar tment. Af ter another few
years, I up graded to a one b edro om, also subsidized.

I t was really nice to have enough money for the

basic essentials, thanks to my subsidized apar tment.
Unfor tunately, I had to leave that apar tment
b ec ause of a ter r ible infestation of b edbugs that the
housing company never dealt with. Af ter that, I was
homeless for months, during which time my two sons
and my siblings took me in. But having no home of
your own leaves you with no sense of security.

M y exp er ience demonstrates how imp or tant

appropr iate housing is for a p erson's state of health
and well b eing.

In my opinion, housing is a human r ight. Nob o dy

should b e denied affordable and appropr iate
housing. And nob o dy should suffer financially
b ec ause of the housing they are stuck with.

161
 Peter's Stor y

H ello, my name is Peter Lye and I am a sur vivor. I

have b een tr ying to disc ard, or at least understand,
my fatal burdens, and replace them with pro gress.
For the first time in my life I feel I have a life ahead
of me. H ere is a snapshot of my recent situation,
from a few years ago 'til now, and how I'm handling
it. A few years ago, around the time the D ream Team
was for med, my gr im existence was inter rupted by
t wo disasters. A house fire placed me homeless on
the street, and an arrest put me in jail. I faced years in
detention, and the judge was asked to refuse me bail

I had b een living in substandard accommo dation

throughout the nineties. First, five years in an
un-monitored, shabby b oarding house - a real
flophouse where I ac tually c aught sevent y mice in a
ro om not much larger than a double b ed. Nex t in a
crack house which b ec ame a hang-out. I was almost
glad when that bur ned down. Then I was on the

162
 street. At night I sometimes stayed in an unheated
shed with no water, or in commercial space. I ended
up in hostels.

At one time I had b een a professional musician,

and had won a graduate fellowship for my M.A.
wor k. B ut here I was, supp or ting my habit through
p ett y dealing, b ottle dep osits, busk ing and day
lab our. I wor k ed to k eep away from medic al c are,
welfare, and other signs of author it y. I had no teeth,
had to hold my lenses to see, and had nowhere to
prepare more than sandwiches and cereal. I dropp ed
to my high-scho ol weight and was addic ted to daily
hard and sof t drugs. That was then.

B y 2001 I g ot to app ear for the Centre for

Addic tion and M ental H ealth as par t of a panel at a
convention on Treatment Cour ts and restorative
justice. Around this time, a facilitator, ar ranged for
me by Centre staff, help ed me with researching,
wr iting, and publishing my wor k. I've b een free of
illegal drugs for four years, and continue my
therapies. I get the most I c an from “ b ottom rung”
supp or tive housing, and enjoy recreation with a
supp or t agenc y. I've wor k ed with others by
founding or joining several groups, committees and
b oards dealing with housing, recover y, and
communit y mental health, and b ec ame a fresh voice
in the cor r idors of p ower. I'm finally playing music

163
 again, and my weight is up.

I was able to do all this by grabbing a precarious

lifeline. My mother bailed me out and loca ted a
referral agenc y which sent me to the first of many
medical and counseling appointments. From this
independent charitable clinic I moved on to a
downtown addic tion clinic, which I still attend. The
hardest thing was the key to my reco ve r y. I had to
cut off a lifetime's friends, colleagues and even
therapists. Finally I got into the Treatment Cour t at
Ci t y H a l l . I t's a unique blend of the judicial and the
therapeutic, with a dash of counseling. They were
just learning to handle dual diagnosis cases. I had
to go for a thorough psychiatric assessment by a
ver y professional diagnostic team. A lot of things
b egan to fall into place and my parents lived to see
my turnaround.

They would be happy to k now that I was able to

move from the Salvation Ar my Hostel to a
monitored boarding house. Now I'm work ing on the
problems that sent me to drugs and homelessness. I
need much more self-work and counseling, and to
become comfor table with a re-acquired spiritualit y.
Com ing as it did when I lost my paren ts, s uppor tive
housing was an even more crucial godsend. M y
seemingly impossible case — dooming me to
insanity and death — is now full of life, hope and
promise.

164
 Esther's Stor y
M y name is E ster Mwangi. I c ame to Canada in 1984
from Kenya as a student to do my G rade 13. M y
parents sent me to Canada to get a universit y
Educ ation. This would help me get a go o d job when
I returned to Kenya. However, when I came to Canada I
was 22 and had never lived outside of Kenya.

Now I was in a new countr y without my family,

fr iends or communit y. I felt isolated, but I k ept my
mind on my studies, deter mined to do well.

I completed G rade 13 and went to Yor k Universit y.

W ithin the first month there, I was b efr iended by a
seemingly har mless Chr istian group which I later
discovered was a cult. For three and a half years, I
was a memb er of this cult. I was attrac ted to it
b ec ause it gave me a sense of b elonging and
communit y — something I was missing. The cult
b ec ame my life, and I sp ent most of my time with

165
 church-related ac tivities. M y grades suffered. In
my four th year, I decided to leave the cult to
improve my grades. I didn't realize what a hold it
had on me and I almost immediately had a
breakdown. Leaving the cult was lik e leaving an
abusive relationship. I had no fr iends or supp or t and
I felt ver y vulnerable. I had to drop out of universit y
and was admitted to the Wellesley H ospital for
psychiatr ic problems.

For the nex t ten years, I was in and out of hospital.

For tunately, by this time I had b ecome a landed
immigrant. I had to go on welfare and for t wo and a
half years I lived in shelters or in hospital for
treatment. I sp ent any where from 6 weeks to 3
months in hospital and when I was discharged, I
would end up in a shelter. I had no home.

Once when I was b eing discharged in 1994, I was

assigned a so cial wor k er from CR CT. This wor k er
ask ed me if I wanted p er manent housing. She
direc ted me to H ouselink and so on I was living in a
co-op. I lived there for ten years; I lived with 4
other p eople.

The rent at H ouselink is geared to income. Now it

was p ossible for me to have my basic needs met. M y
admissions to hospital were greatly reduced. M y
health stablised and if I needed help my ro ommates
k new what to do. I was par t of a communit y there. I

166
 had a housing wor k er who help ed me solve any
problems that might have ar isen in my living
situation. I retur ned to universit y on a par t-time
basis to finish my degree, b ec ause H ouselink also
offers bursar ies for those who want to tak e courses.

Supp or tive H ousing has made a big impac t on my

life and has help ed me now to have my own place in
a Co-Op. I was one of the luck y ones. Th ere are
thousands out there who need it but c an't get in to
supp or tive housing. I am glad to b e able to sp eak
out for the D ream Team to tr y and get more
supp or tive housing units available so that others
to o c an b e luck y and have hop e for a br ight future.

167
 BOB'S STORY
by B o b C o u l t e r

H e l lo, my n a m e i s B ob. I am a psychiatric

consumer/sur vivor and a member of The Dream
Team. I believe I am able to speak to you at this time
because of the suppor t I received whi le living in a
H a b i t a t S e r vices Residence.

In 1962, life seemed wonder ful for me. I was

b eginning a career with the City of Toronto, which
l a s t e d t w e n t y y e a r s. Fi ve of those were in the Chief 's
O ffice of The To ronto Fi re D epar tment, t w o y e a r s a s
the Pu rchasing Clerk of the City's Pa r k a n d
R ecreation Depar tment, followed by thir teen years
as the depar tment's Pe rmit Clerk in charge of
allocating use of all outdoor facilities in Toronto
parks.

M y m e ntal health gradually deteriorated during

this time. M y m a r r i e d l i fe dissolved, I lost my hom e,

168
 which I had owned and my employment with the
Ci t y e n d e d. I then boarded at a number of
residences where my mental and physical health
fur ther declined until I was hospitalized after
contemplating suicide.

In 1994, my sister received a refe r r a l for me to a

Habitat Residence, where I lived for four and a half
years. During this time I was able to once again take
charge of my life and conquer a life-long addic tion
to alcohol. I also began a long-term relationship
with a wonder ful lady I had k nown for many years
and was able to move into a new hom e.

Unfo r tunately, my mental health rela psed and I am

once again living in a Habitat Residence, where I am
again rebuilding my life.

I now volunteer with the Community Police Liaison

Committee and for C.O.T.A.'s Alliance for Education
in Community Mental Health. I also se r ve on the
B o a rd of Dire c to r s o f H a b i t a t S e r vices.

As a result of the suppor t I received from Habitat

and C.O.T.A., my rehabilitation enabled me to
receive two Canada Day Achievement Awards, and
recognition from the Ci t y o f Toronto and the
Province for volunteer ac tivities in the communit y.

I believe it is crucial for suppor tive housing like

Habitat to be sustained so that others will have the
same oppor tunity to turn their life around.

169
 P ro g re s s i ve H o u s i n g
By Colin Sha w

I live in H ouselink. I t is the greatest co-housing

going! B efore I lived in H ouselink, I was homeless. I
have had a rough time with M anic D epression over
the years. I have b een admitted voluntarily, and
involuntarily, to a Mental Health Treatment Centre
seventeen times. I've been around the blo ck.

Throughout my life, I k ept having admission af ter

admission. The medic ation wasn't wor k ing. Have I
lear ned at least a little from each admission? Well,
dur ing my last "moment of mania," I sp ent ever y
cent I could get my hands on, changed my name,
pick ed up a nick name, Fargo, and got a tatto o. I
wised up to o little, it seems to me, my fr iends.

Except for that little blip, for the past seven years I
have b een well. From living in supp or tive housing, I
have exp er ienced nothing but go o d mental health.

170
 When I'm feeling well I want to mak e a
contr ibution. I volunteer with The D ream Team.
Human b eings need to mak e some contr ibution. I t is
go o d for our collec tive mental health.

R esearch, I b elieve, has finally found a cure for me.

I b elieve the newly develop ed medic ation I'm tak ing
will mean I never again have to go to a treatment
centre. Still, my diagnosis I'm told is treatable, yet
not curable. Where are the cures? Where are the
recover ies? I tak e several prescr ib ed medic ations for
my illness and none of them are c andy.

The past is b ehind us. We need to concer n

ourselves in the present. Our future dep ends up on
what we do now. We c an mak e a p ositive difference
in our lives. The D ream Team is a group of p eople
who b elieve that b etter mental health is first to b e
found through supp or tive so cial hous ing. We
b elieve that and we advo c ate for it! I sp eak out to
express my sincere gratitude for hous ing. O thers
lik e me, I k now, are living on the streets.

S o cial supp or tive housing do es much more than

lif t p eople off the streets. I t supp or ts them. The
supp or tive H ouselink staff reaches out continuously
to help ensure the well-b eing of its m emb ers.

To reiterate: G ive us safe supp or tive housing and

exp ec t from us the same as any other citizen.

171
 For more than 30 years, Houselink — a
pioneer in the Canadian supportive housing
movement — has been committed to the
principle of giving psychiatric/consumer
survivors a voice.
A voice over their own lives. A voice in their
housing. And, most importantly, a voice in
their own recovery and healing process.
This unique book project, Many Voices and
Images, is rooted in that principle.
Inside, the voices of Houselink members
take on a variety of forms — including
memoirs, poetry, and art — to share their
very poignant and often moving stories.
Stories of personal demons, struggles with
poverty, substance abuse and homelessness.
And stories of recovery, dignity, personal
triumphs, and the importance of supportive
housing as a fundamental right.