Escolar Documentos
Profissional Documentos
Cultura Documentos
David Saul, MD
EVERYTHING WORKS OUT, IN THE END EVERYTHING WORKS OUT IN THE END
Perhaps the One (and only) Book Youll Ever Need for a Happy Life or, Not Copyright 2008, Dr. David Saul All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher. The information in this book describing treatments and therapies for stress and lifestyle management is not intended to take the place of a trained medical or other, health professional. Your own diagnostic and treatment status may require specific modifications or precautions. You should always consult with your family doctor, medical specialist, or personal health care provider, before attempting to undertake any treatment or therapy. ISBN: 978-0-9684044-3-0 Saul, David. 1. Self-help 2. Stress Management High Point Publications Ltd. 80 Finch Ave. West Toronto, Ontario, Canada, M2N 2H4 Phone: 416 221 3633; Fax: 416 221 5599.
Foreword
This book has been through a few different writing styles until I settled on this final version. It was my initial intent to write with an entirely different style from every other self-help book written so far. For sure it was not going to be cold and stiff, ready to put you to sleep with corroborating studies and statistics. Initially I tried to imagine this book as if I were a stand-up comedian, which I am not. Not even a wannabe. Okay, maybe a little, but having a sense of humour and having one stint on amateur night at The Laugh Resort wasnt sufficient enough to make it work. So then I tried sarcasm and making fun of you, the reader, by calling you self-help book junkies, stuff like that. I came across a little bit too harsh, so then I toned that style down. The end result (lets see if will work) is a light-hearted writing approach, not condescending, with a few jokes and lots of common sense examples. You could call them short rants, but thats just my opinion. This is all in the name of appealing to a mass market. I wanted this book to reach a really wide segment of North American society men, women, older, as well as younger, with a target group of women (thats only because they read the most), in the mid 30 to 40-year age range. This particular segment seems to boast being single, divorced, stressed and unhappy. Thats not necessarily their problem, but it tends to be part of the SEX AND THE CITY reality out there. Hope the style appeals to you.
Here in your hand is yet another self-help book. Hey, you picked it up. Something must have caught your attention. The title perhaps? Its not the most intriguing title out there. Actually, its a little bland. Everything Works Out, In The End. It sounds sowhats the wordpractical? Yeah, thats it practical, which is related to sensible. But also related tofeasible. Finally a self-help book that actually does work. Maybe thats whats missing from the pile of books in front of you the common sense, easy to apply approach towards a happy life. Does that mean you may be holding the final self-help book to be used as a guide in dealing with lifes downs and ups? Well, that was my intention when the pen first hit the paper. I suggest we start at the beginning. Let me go first and then well get to you. Ive had a primary care medical practice in Toronto since 1976 with a gradual transition to two special interests in medicine over the past ten years. The major medical condition being the pain syndrome of Fibromyalgia and the other lesser interest is mens sexual functioning, which thrusts above and beyond erection enhancing pills (sorry, I can never resist the erection metaphors). I dropped primary care altogether in 2002. This was not easy for me. Or for my patients. Several times we all cried together at the last parting, but as one patient told me, So really, you made a decision to abandon us family medical patients in favour of the Fibromyalgia patients. You know, I think you made the right decision. My style of doctoring would always encourage patients to try to improve their health both physically and mentally by introducing them to stress-management skills and lifestyle modifications. I never wanted my patients to rely solely on the power of pills, despite the drug reps steadily supplying me with numerous reports of supportive clinical studies and bag loads of samples to push on patients. I knew that 75% of whatever came into a G.P.s office was self-limiting, meaning the affliction would quite likely, heal up soon enough on its own. And thats with or even without reassurance from me. In addition, I quite often advocated pursuing non-drug treatments to augment the use of traditional medications.
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
So, there you have it. Everything Works Out, In The End is a version of a metaanalysis. Thats a medical term used when pooling 10, 20 or sometimes even 100 studies and clinical trials together, which assess and evaluate exactly the same subject. Metaanalyses are also commonplace in business/finance, politics/military and other scientific pursuits. This way, potentially a common viewpoint (from the overview of a larger perspective) may emerge from any consistency in the results. I dont profess to know all the self-help thats out there. I do, however, have knowledge of a vast majority of them, gleaned over the past 25-years from: my medical practice, group therapy work and research into my two previous books on natural approaches to Fibromyalgia and Mens Sexuality. This little book you are reviewing right now, presents a new approach to selfhelp along with some well established, common sense messages found not only in life, but also on the shelves of the self-help book section. Studies proving this and that are kept to a minimum here. You dont need them. Trust me. And, for every study published, there is an opposite, well-designed study to disprove and conflict with the first one. Need some examples? Look at global warming. Despite the consensus at the UN directly linking it to excessive man-made carbon footprints, the debate is not at all settled. Check out the recently published book, The Deniers, by Lawrence Solomon. And still on this particular subject, are biofuels a beneficial way to replace the dependency on fossil fuels, known as oil and gas? Is it potentially worth pursuing at an even faster rate? Not so says the April 2008 issue of Nature Magazine. Not if the decrease in atmospheric carbon addition is only 3% and not if it causes world food shortages by diverting grains from feed stocks to bio-fuel stocks. Need some medical literature studies? How about the recent one in JAMA pointing to benefits of psychotherapy for depression being just as good as with the drug Prozac. And then there is the Vioxx story. This drug originally claimed to provide pain and arthritis benefits without the stomach side effects of traditional anti-inflammatory meds. Then, a few years later, those stomach benefits were shown to be not that different from earlier drugs, plus the heart attack rate was so high with patients on Vioxx that it needed to be removed from the market. A few years later a follow-up drug, Prexige, was touted as being just as good for arthritis, only without the heart side effects of Vioxx. Two years later, it too was withdrawn from drug stores. And why was that? Heart attacks. So much for studies with definitive proof. ----------------------------------------------Back again to this intro. Do you still want a book that will allow you the opportunity for achievement of happiness? Notice that I qualified happiness with an opportunity for achievement. Its you, who still has to do the work. And perhaps so far in your quest for self-improvement, either the motivation was not powerful enough, the mechanisms for change were not appropriate for you, or the commitment did not follow through. Perhaps you never thought about the reasons for failing to change some maladaptive lifestyles, which may be holding you back from happiness.
17
18
EVERYTHING WORKS OUT, IN THE END Chapter One Whats In It For You?
This is not the book of revelations. I am purposely leaving out any religious references. What I will try to reveal to you is where you may have ventured into some wrong directions of life and then how to get (your life) back on track. Pretty big undertaking? Well, remember the subtitle on the cover of this book? Stop, Ill save you the trouble of having to turn it over and look. Your Guide for a Happy Life. Right now Im sounding just like all those other self-helpers in your pile. And the difference is? You are not holding a standard-style self-help book in your hands. Just keep the goal for a happy life in your mind as you read on. No pressure, no worries. To make the most of this chapter, you will first need to know how close you are right now to having a happy life. I may be asking you, but youll be answering (to yourself, not to me). So, what do you think, how close? You: Pretty close actually, now that you ask. I just have a few more payments left on the car just have to wait till the kids are grown just have twenty pounds (actually forty) to lose just got passed over for the promotion I was counting on, and by the boss nephew, no less just had another big fight with my spouse, I dunno if our marriage is gonna last this in-law thing, it wont go away, it just gets worse Me: STOP!!!!! Trouble at home, trouble at work, with the kids, the in-laws, car, bum knee and of course, bills, bills and more bills. Seems like the more advanced life gets in the 1st and 2nd world (that means Europe and North America) the harder it is to be happy. Still, I dont think you would trade places so fast with anyone in the 3rd world, the developing world, the one without the institutions of: democracy, security and of course, an adequate food supply. Actually, over there, like areas in Africa and Southeast Asia, simply having something to eat becomes the sole purpose of life. And tragically, too often on a daily basis. Over here, yeah weve come a long way baby. Freedom to eat whenever or
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
EVERYTHING WORKS OUT, IN THE END Chapter Two Specifics, Specifics and More Specifics
Lets start by talking about the most difficult time for someone, who is caught within the workings of the medical system. I dont mean waiting 4-5 hours at the Emergency Room of a hospital. And no, its not having to pay for all or part of the billings for medical services in a for-profit, private health insurance funded system (like the U.S. medical care system). While having to get a second or third opinion to potentially make sure there is no error in the diagnosis, thereby lessening the fear of having to undergo unnecessary surgery is a big, time-consuming hassle, thats not the most difficult time for a patient. Its definitely not finding a primary care/family doc. One, who is attentive, able and available. As challenging as these medical issues often are for patients, they are still lower down on the ladder of representing the most difficult time, which is facing a sick or potentially sick patient today in this health care megalopolis. Having 33-years of experience as a primary care M.D., I should know. Perhaps it could be the sound of those three dreaded words, You have cancer. I mean, what could beat out that one on the being-upset-scale? Those three little words, you have cancer are always difficult for the doctor to choke out and tell you to your face. However, trust me, they are nowhere as tough to say as for you to hear them. But, the you have cancer words do not, as many of you might think, produce the most anxious time for a patient. So, what is it already? When you find a lump or find blood in an unexpected place or, have a pain, which should not be there and is not going away thats when the call for the doctors appointment is made. Plus, oh, oh, maybe its getting more intense or frequent. Worse yet, its a trip to the Emerge for unexplained and ill-defined symptoms of: fatigue, mood changes, sleep disturbance, double vision, weight loss, hearing loss, hair loss, bone loss, skin loss, blood loss (did you know theres even loss of saliva, that shows how many bodily systems can misplace things). Now youve done it. Youve just made the overworked, underpaid, wants to go-and-playgolf-already doctor, have to stop and think about your symptoms. Gone are the days of take two aspirins and call me in the morning. Just by listening to your complaints, the
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
Rule #9: Dont Say, Ill Forgive You, But I Wont Forget. What ever happened to the motto: forgive and forget? When did it change to Ill forgive, but I wont (cant) forget? Forgiveness and forgetfulness comes as a package deal. This F&F paradigm (not to be confused with the other FF, fight or flight arrangement) is not option-based. Rather, its an all or none concept. Only somehow, by trial and error (mostly error) you got into the bad habit of leaving off the forget part and thinking thats not only okay but better. Wrong. The act of your forgiving and forgetting benefits, who? You, or the other (dark) side? Will F&F completely absolve them of their sin (sin in your eyes remember, not theirs) of their wrongdoing inflicted on you? Do you really think they will be getting away with murder should you forget what happened? Somehow, youve got it in your mind that they should always remember what a bad thing they did to you, and never, ever do it again or for that matter, any other bad thing to you, never, ever again. You would like to keep them always humbled and on their toes to do right by you. Buddy, you and I know that it aint gonna happen. By you not forgetting the circumstances of the offence or transgression, then only you will remain in the position of keeper to the bad feelings. You and only you. The dark side has a faulty memory and whatever it was that they did to distress and hurt you, wellit disappeared long ago from their consciousness. Getting the picture yet? The offence, the pain, the hurt was done to you. The damage, whether real or imagined, stays only with you, not the other party. Hurt and harm will continue strictly for and to you, and not at all to the dark side. Lets break it down and simplify it a bit. Forgive and forget in essence means to give as before and to get as before. Simple enough? Now assume for this discussion that you want to forgive to give to the dark side as before, and you want to forget to get from them as before. Pay close attention here as it may seem to get complicated. Should you forgive, then you can give as before. Only if you want to. Its your choice. Likely though, it will be good for you. Being a giver is good. No one likes a stingy Grinch. Next, should you forget, then you can get as before. But this time, its only if they want to give to you. Its their choice. Again, likely still good for you. But for this part, the getting, then the onus, the obligation, remains with them to keep making amends for you to get. And you are, or could be, willing to get or to accept reparations for the wrong done to you. In business terms, its a win-win. Should you not forget (to not get as before), you close the door on the continuity of a relationship, of any acceptance and of moving on. You
54
55
56
57
EVERYTHING WORKS OUT, IN THE END Chapter Three I Hear There Are Some Things You Would Like to Change
I Hear There Are Some Things You Would Like to Change. Youre not so happy with some concerns, conundrums and/or challenges in your life. I hear it all the time. And so do the self-help authors with books galore to sell you books loaded with innovative and instructive information, as well as, the same old recycled approaches to: diet and nutrition; sex and relationships; exercise and fitness; careers, business and finance; personal growth and spirituality; parenting; addictions and mental disorders. I Hear There Are Some Things You Would Like to Change. Well, heres a new approach to try. Youve never seen this one before, trust me. Try it with anything you would like to change. It will certainly apply to the list in the above paragraph. Its generic one size fits all, one approach for all that you need to change. Really, not joking. Ill joke and kid around with you, but this is no joke. Ready? Here we go. First, visualize exactly what you want, where you want it, perhaps when you want it but not necessarily the reasons for wanting it. Essentially just limit the visualization to what you want. Visualize it clearly. Very clearly fame & fortune, career & business, sex & relationships, proper body weight & fitness. With addictions & compulsions and mood disorders, these are tougher and often have associated psychological/psychiatric components, which are outside the scope of this program. So for now, lets leave those out. Okay, you have a clear visual image. In self-help lingo, nothing is new here. The old paradigm, easily found in your myriad self-help junkie pile for successful achievement of ambitions and aspirations requires that you first get the goal firmly planted in your mind. Then, plan a step by step strategy from start to finish. Third move is to put in some time frames for implementation of the steps. Along the way, perhaps add in some rewards to keep you motivated, like for a trained dog or sea lion. And of course, always, always keep the image of the finish line (goal/dream/hearts desire) clearly in your mind the whole time. Thats the typical self-help paradigm: get started, keep to your scheduled strategy, persevere, get committed, correct any wrong assumptions of the plan and keep going until the ultimate goal is achieved youve lost 100 pounds, filled your bank
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
EVERYTHING WORKS OUT, IN THE END Chapter Four Youre Being Eaten Up Alive and You Dont Even Know It
What the hell is this chapter all about? Does it sound too scary? Maybe even morbid, with the eaten-up-alive metaphor. Actually, Im trying to impress upon you via this chapter that you likely fall into the category of one, two, three or all four specific, dysfunctional lifestyles, which can not only bring you down, but eat you up alive. Wait, it can get worse. If you are one of those front-liners for all four thats unfortunate for you. So what are these four personality/lifestyle states? Anger, perfectionism, rushing and greed. Im going to show you in this chapter how easily anger, perfectionism, rushing and greed can act as the direct causative factor(s) for many of your lifes difficulties. These personality categories can exact a negative toll on your distress responses, anxieties, mishaps and bad decisions. The impact may even get worse should you go on to develop various illnesses, such as those with strong psychodynamic and/or immunological connections. In plain language, you can get hurt, sick or much worse from excessive and unrestrained anger, perfectionism, rushing and greed. I decided to limit this chapter to only four dysfunctional personality styles, which unfortunately for you, tend to be quite common. They are found circulating in everyday life, in modern societies, although not necessarily as evident in all global environments, where daily existence (meaning something to eat) takes priority. While there are seven deadly sins and more negative, human emotional states than positive ones, not all possess the power of destruction to your biology. Not like these four. Plus, since they are programmed in your brain to fulfill a variety of daily survival functions for you, they have commonly (but erroneously) been considered necessary. You can see them crossing the lines of all of us rich or poor, city mouse or country mouse, old or young, women or men, while also crossing cultures, religions, ethnicities, skin colouring, but not yet hair colouring (wellhair colouring doesnt really count since you can easily change that within two hours).
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
So you feel the system didnt work for you. What now? Well, if I said at any point in this self-help book that I had all the right answers allowing you to achieve a happy life for yourself Im sorry. Obviously a big misunderstanding. I make no claims on being the expert here, becauseno one is. Despite the highest promotion of any publisher about how intelligent, accomplished or talented any author of any self-help book is and how much you need their book to be happy I suggest that you keep that frown on your forehead active. Very active. Be continuously skeptical of whats written in all these hundreds of books currently on the bookstore shelves and even more that are on the remainder tables. I admit that I could be dead wrong on practically everything Ive discussed throughout the book. And your way of living your own life in your own time and space, bringing with you your own personal nature vs. nurture background, well guess what? your special way may just turn out to be the best approach for you to live your life. The best way. And thats regardless of what I, or any other self-help author says. To highlight your keeping a cynical attitude towards the self-help industry and the so called experts, lets look at an example, coming from the autumn 2008 world markets and economic collapse. People in every walk of life, even large investment institutions, the so called financial experts did not see it coming. No alarm bells sounded to get out of the market when it was at a record high just a few months previous to the fall from grace. The experts, all in a chorus also told us in the summer of 08 that oil would soon reach $200/barrel and to get used to it. Sky high oil prices also kept fueling the stock market upswing. No one came forward admitting blame when everything came crashing down. Few knew just exactly how a lot of sub-prime mortgages and their derivatives could cripple the worlds entire credit system. Everyone, rich or poor, felt the aftermath of the loss of share price, savings and most important jobs. In an article from the National Post newspaper, Dec. 27, 2008, reviewing the financial issues of the year and aptly titled Youre on Your Own, Professor Homer-Dixon from the University of Waterloo, tries to provide us with an answer to the economic misery.
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
Were almost done. So why dont we end with a bang. No, not with fireworks or anything to scare you. No more tricks either. And for sure, I dont want to leave you with a simple, rehashed summary of the entire book. But I do want to present some final thoughts on achieving lasting happiness, which could lead you to say, Wow, I never thought of it in those terms! First a history lesson, then a biology lesson, then a final take on the message of Everything Works Out, In The End. Way, way back in our evolutionary journey, we started out in a primitive, yet primal, state. Our interactions with the environment around us and our responses with fellow humans were crude and brusque. This was due to not having too much in the way of higher-brain reasoning abilities. Instinct ruled our lives, similar to animal species lower down on the food chain. Only by fulfilling an innate desire to procreate, did we survive long enough to follow along certain, specific pathways for physical and mental development. We were able to establish: workable mating rituals, group attachments, hunting skills, tool making and most important the progressive use of language. Somehow, by luck or by design, we more than just survived. We prospered. The uniqueness of larger brains (for primates) with its expanding intellect and consistently improving, functional capacity allowed us to become the dominant force on the planet. As civilized or uncivilized (with lots of wars to end all wars, leading to even more destructive wars) as the world was when it limped into the modern times of the 1950s, something profound happened. This was the dawn of modern medicine. More than the previous breakthrough discovery of X-rays, it encompassed an explosion in pharmaceuticals and investigative testing. For the first time in human history, longevity became more than possible it could actually be attained by those, who were previously destined to succumb to Tuberculosis, heart disease, diabetes and almost all infections, notably polio and pneumonia. Even several types of cancers were at least partially tamed. Centenarians are now the fastest growing segment of the population.
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134