DEBORAH STORER

CROWNE PLAZA, JULY 2005

IMPROVING SELF-WORTH IN A COACHING RELATIONSHIP

Deborah Storer July, 2005 Crowne Plaza DEBORAHSTORER.1105

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CONTENTS PAGE
Chapter Topic Introduction One Two Three The focus The method of enquiry The Project: Understanding and Awareness Decision Gratitude Responsibility Vision Visualization Forgiveness Conclusion Bibliography Appendix Page Number 3 4 9 10 10 12 13 14 17 18 21 22 24 25

Four

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INTRODUCTION

It has been proven that exploring and improving self-worth is important as it determines what a person does with his/her life. Palladino (1989, p. iii) states that self-esteem is the bridge between who you are and what you do. Coaching is all about helping someone achieve their goals and looking at why they havent achieved their goals in the past. Low self-esteem and selfbelief is a huge block for someone and this is one of the biggest reasons why a client has not made any positive changes in their life. Therefore once the coach and the client have established that self-esteem is the issue, the question is how does a Coach help a client improve self-esteem? Therefore it is the goal of this project to explore ways of improving selfworth in a coaching relationship.

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CHAPTER 1: THE FOCUS

This challenge has arisen from my coaching experience through my triads and my ten pro bono clients. I have coached these clients on a regular basis through many issues using the IGROW model, however I have found through this process that the client has low self-esteem. What I have discovered is that if the client has this low self worth, they feel they do not deserve their goal. It is more of an issue of deservability rather than setting an action plan for it. I would think it be pointless setting goals if the client believes they are not worth it and does not believe in oneself.

I had one client say outright, that she feels she is not worth finding a great man or being happy. I, as a coach came to a standstill. I believe that the coachs goal is to reach the limiting belief of a client. I found I had achieved this in a short amount of time, then I was left with how can I improve their self worth?

With one client I had discovered a whole range of limiting beliefs around money. We went back to the past and explored where these beliefs have originated from and then we went through them and looked at whether the client wanted to choose holding on to them or changing them. Therefore one session was devoted to changing these beliefs through affirmations and goal setting. But is this enough?

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Therefore I have come to realise that the issue of self-worth comes about every time. With the above scenario of limiting beliefs around money, it came back to being good enough, which in turn means self-worth. So I am left with the question, how do I improve a clients self-worth in a coaching relationship? I need to know whether I am doing the best I can to improve someones self-worth and this research project will bring me the answers to my own questions.

I feel the significance of improving self-worth is outstanding. I have attended a teacher training course to be able to run workshops based on the philosophy of Louise L. Hay, the author of many bestseller books. In one of her famous books, You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book, she describes (2002, p. 8) that the innermost belief for everyone Ive worked with is always, Im not good enough! Everyone I know or have worked with is suffering from self-hatred or guilt to one degree or another. Im not good enough. I dont do enough, or I dont deserve this, are common complaints.

Hay mentions throughout all of her books and materials, that loving thyself is the best thing you can do to achieve happiness and fulfilment. Loving, approving and accepting yourself gives back the power to you and allows you to take responsibility and create the life you want and be able to feel you deserve it. Hay describes Deservability (2002, p. 13) Sometimes we refuse to put any effort into creating a good life for ourselves because we believe that we dont deserve it. The belief that we arent deserving usually comes from our early childhood experiences Deserving has everything to

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do with having good in our lives. Its our unwillingness to accept that gets in the way. Allow yourself to accept good, whether you think you deserve it or not.

Therefore this gives me more evidence around the fact that deservability is important in order to receive what we want in life. Palladinos book Developing Self-Esteem (1989. p.i) states People who feel good about themselves produce positive results. Palladino and many other authors state that when we appreciate own worth and importance, being accountable and responsible toward others; we can achieve anything, with great fulfilment. Palladino also states (1989. p.1), the key to elevated selfesteem is the willingness to take responsibility for your feelings, desires, thoughts, abilities and interests and to accept your overall strengths and act accordingly.

It is a universal commodity that every human being seeks happiness. To achieve happiness is to keep growing and achieving and living the life you want. When a client has high self-esteem, they will therefore achieve what they set out to achieve, will overcome procrastination as motivation is natural when they believe they deserve to have their goals and dreams and have that vision in their own mind. When someone has high self-esteem they overcome challenges and obstacles with a positive attitude and more determination than someone with low self-esteem.

To improve self-esteem, it has been noted through coaching studies that awareness and responsibility are the first steps in achieving this.

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Whitmores book Coaching for Performance, emphasises the importance of awareness (2002, p.33) I am able to control only that of which I am aware. That of which I am unaware controls me. Awareness empowers me.

The reality with this challenge is to bring about awareness in a client. How can you change or improve your self-esteem if you are not aware of what has caused your low confidence? That is one answer that has come from exploring this issue awareness. The purpose of coaching is awareness. However, a question that comes to mind is:

Q. Besides questioning, what other forms of awareness exercises can a coach include in a session?

I have discovered through many books, that there is no other exercise but to question a client. There are however, different types of exercises, but it still asks questions whether it is in a table, a quiz, a chart or some other form. This ranges from Anthony Robbins material, Chris Howards, Louise Hays, John Whitmores, Wayne Dyers, etc. They all have some form of questioning, which brings awareness.

The reality is that awareness is significant in building self-worth. I have realised through coaching over the last few months, that when a client is more aware of an issue, and why they do the things they do and whats been preventing them, is that they feel good about themselves for making that decision. Building self-esteem doesnt come from instructing,

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teaching or advising, but rather from helping them make decisions for themselves, guiding them to more awareness.

So, before we move on to options, what my goal from here on is to: Find different methods of helping a client build self-worth, if any. When to incorporate these types of exercises in a coaching relationship

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CHAPTER 2: THE METHOD OF ENQUIRY

My options are: 1. Read a variety of books from different authors on self-worth, selfesteem, self-respect and self-image. a. Coaching With NLP by Joseph OConnor & Andrea Lages b. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay c. Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain d. Coaching for Performance by John Whitmore e. Developing Self-Esteem by Connie Palladino f. The Self-Esteem Companion by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, Carole Honeychurch, Catharine Sutker g. Self Esteem by Anita Naik h. Indestructible Self-Belief by Fiona Harrold i. Confidence by Alan Loy McGinnis

j. The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi 2. View DVDs & CDs a. Louise Hays collection b. Chris Howards collection 3. Experiment on my pro bono clients these new methods and exercises

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CHAPTER 3: THE PROJECT

I have come to some amazing results. I am really excited to have brought some answers to light. I have listed my answers in categories as I believe there is a choice to improving a clients self-worth, depending on where they are coming from, their issues and how they want to make the changes. I have come to the following answers: Understanding and Awareness; Decision; Gratitude; Responsibility; Vision; Visualisation; Forgiveness.

UNDERSTANDING AND AWARENESS: I have read many books, however the most I received was from a little book called Indestructible Self-Belief by Fiona Harrold, whom is also a life coach. Harrold, describes (2005, p.2) self-belief is feeling good enough. Its the feeling that you can handle what life throws at you. Its a healthy appreciation of your talents, characteristics and abilities. Its seeing yourself as special and entirely unique, like no other person on the planet. Harrold also describes (2005, p.5) the real secret of being attractive to others is being happy with yourself. Think of it this way: life is a confidence trick. With enough confidence, you can get away with anything. With these statements, it goes on to prove, like many other authors and researches of self-esteem, that self-belief is important in achieving happiness and success. What Harrold is saying, is that self-belief comes from what you think of yourself, what you believe to be true, because that is reality for you. It is an understanding of what your own strengths and talents are. Therefore what I have learned is that I can help clients improve self-belief by bringing awareness about what they think of themselves and what their uniqueness is. It is asking questions like:

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a. What has your lack of self-belief cost you? Or even, what has your not achieving what you want, cost you? b. What would be the difference in your life if you improved your selfbelief/the way you look at yourself? c. What percentage sums up your general feeling of your self-belief? d. Do you have high self-belief in a particular area of your life? e. Do you have low self-belief in another area of your life? f. Whats your opinion of you? g. How do you rate your potential? h. Do you feel better when you achieve? i. Do you then base your self-esteem on your achievements?

j. Did you receive more approval from your parents when achieving higher grades in school? With that last question, Harrold describes (2005, p. 17), Parental expectations can be so high that even the brightest children feel like failures if they dont achieve straight As in their exams. And the sense that they have disappointed their parents and teachers can linger into adulthood, found a survey by the University of Londons Institute of Education. They interviewed hundreds of youngsters who were considered academically promising when they started secondary school, and followed them up in their mid-20s to see if they had fulfilled their potential. Theyd all achieved various levels of success in their chosen fields, but what was really interesting was their response to their achievements, and how that early pressure stayed with them. A significant minority considered themselves failures because they had not met parental expectations. Harrold then

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goes on to say, Emotional support, not pressure, is the key. I found that interesting as I will be coaching Teens.

DECISION: Harrold also points out (2005, p. 27) that enhancing self-belief begins with a decision. I agree with this because improving anything in your life, including you and your self-esteem comes from making a commitment and before a commitment can be made, a decision needs to come first. Therefore one of the first points with coaching in improve self-worth is to guide the client to making a decision. And asking them questions like: a. Can you see the benefits of improving your self-esteem? b. Can you see how it will impact your life? How? c. When will you decide to improve your self-esteem? d. How do you know that you have made that decision? e. On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your commitment? f. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your motivation?

Then once the decision is made, we can then move on to further questions to improve self-esteem, like asking the clients strengths & abilities, etc. This one book has brought a lot of answers to light and the biggest answer is understanding the difference of having low and high self-esteem and then making that decision. Also for the coach to understand what self-esteem is all about, so as we as Coaches can ask the most effective questions to improve it. There is no point going straight into improving self-esteem, but rather bringing awareness to the client about the subject, then moving to a decision a willingness to go ahead with it, then we can move on from there. Outstanding!

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I found some more interesting information that I have converted into effective questions from Harrolds book (2005, p. 28-29): a. What is your opinion of you? Is it good enough? b. Could you think better of yourself? c. Where could you enhance it? d. When choosing your new beliefs what is the hard evidence so you can convince yourself it will come true and that you believe in it? e. Can you look into your past or present to show you justify such a belief? f. What are the three key beliefs that, if you truly believed them to be true, would make the most significant improvement to your life? g. Whats going to change in you and your life? h. Is it exciting? i. Are you surrounding yourself with the right people?

j. Who are the people closest to you and that you spend the most time with? k. Are they supportive? l. Do you pat yourself on the back for the things you have brought into your life?

GRATITUDE: With this last question, I have found from experience that gratitude is very important in improving self-esteem. As Harrold points out (2005, p.9), Tragedy can wait for you around the corner. So now I take every day as a miracle. Carpe diem, seize the day, because nothing can guarantee you are going to see another sunrise. Only when you

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understand that, you will find the strength to move. If you are grateful for everything you have, you appreciate what is in your life and therefore you feel better for it. Rather than thinking about what you dont have, think about what you do have and for all those people that dont have what you have. Being grateful brings more positive thoughts into your mind, therefore you think positively on other aspects of your life. Also when you are grateful you are more fulfilled as you are living in that moment. Being grateful is standing still in time and using all your senses smell, taste, feel, breathe, hear, see, and be in that moment by embracing the opportunity to have that moment. Harrold also goes on to saying its a matter of attitude, therefore asking the client questions about their attitude towards themselves and life, could be appropriate.

RESPONSIBILITY: I have found in many books, including Harrolds, that responsibility is huge in enhancing self-esteem and creating the life that you want. We all have a responsibility for choosing your response to any and every situation in your life, past, present and future. Fiona and many other authors use Oprah Winfrey as an example of taking responsibility. She is a powerful and influential woman with her talk show being the highest ranking in TV history along with a raft of magazines, websites and products. Her background includes: Raised by teenage parents Black woman Raised until 6 yrs old then the rest by her grandmother Moved back to her Mothers to a life of hardship and sexual abuse

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Experimented with drugs and sex at a young age At 14 yrs old gave birth to a still born baby

These experiences could have destroyed her life, but instead she has used them to empower others, working her way up to presenting the news on local radio to create a global media empire. She has never blamed or looked to others to make sense of her traumatic past. This information is amazing to me and surely to others. She has proven that by not blaming and justifying those of your past for your misfortunes is the way to success and happiness, but instead taking responsibility and power and control over your own life. With coaching experience, I have found many clients coming to me with low responsibility as they are blaming other people for their anger and disappointment. I have found that by bringing awareness about responsibility makes a huge difference as they understand that the only person they can change is themselves, not others. We cannot rely on other people for our success. We have a choice of how we want to react or respond to a person or situation. By taking full ownership of our attitudes and mental approach in life determines our reality. I have outlined a question that I have brought into my coaching sessions to promote responsibility: a. Imagine a coin. On one side you have your situation with this other person and how they are creating these feelings for you. Get in touch with those feelings. Now imagine if I flipped the coin: what would be on the other side? What is the opposite to what is happening now? The response to this was quite astounding as the client realised that they can control their own feelings.

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Another approach was:

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b. If you cannot control or change another person, what else can you do? Who else can you rely on? The answer to this was: me c. What I am hearing is that you are wanting to change this other person, do you think this is realistic? d. Who has the power and control of your feelings? e. How can you react differently to this situation or person? f. Just listen to yourself for a momentare you blaming, justifying or taking responsibility? The answers to all of the above questions was amazing. A client I had recently had this huge realisation that she was giving away her power and control to her mother. She was angry with her mother and has been for a long time and was allowing her to rule her life as an adult. She has been having these conflicting conversations with her since she was born and has felt that she was pushed in a corner and was not allowed to make decisions for herself and felt that she was not good enough. She came to realise that the only person she can control and change is her to accept and approve and love of herself and to accept that her mother will not change. She realised that she needs to stand up for herself. She took responsibility and learnt that she needs to be assertive and feel that she is worth telling her mother what she wants rather than her mothers needs and wants. She believed that she has a self-esteem problem and has made a decision to start loving and approving of herself. Through the coaching session she realised the importance of loving yourself. This session was life changing for her because she is now in control of her life and will look at stopping

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blame and justification, and if she doesnt, she is aware of it and knows that if she continues to blame and justify, that her power is given away to her mother. One baby step at a time for this client, however, the decision has been made and she has realised that self-esteem is important. If, however, I went into the session telling her that we need to work on self-esteem, she would not have seen the difference in her life if we did that and probably would have seen that as irrelevant. It comes back to awareness. I found it interesting in Harrolds book (2005, p. 34-35), Martin Seligman from the University of Pennsylvania has concluded in his 30 years work researching depression that, crucially, its how we regard events from our past which determine our present happiness. Insufficient appreciation and savouring of the good events in your past, and overemphasis of the bad ones, are the two culprits that undermine serenity, contentment and satisfaction. Therefore it is important as a Coach to look at the clients attitudes towards the past. Again, it comes back to awareness. And I also believe that helping the client make choices will give them the power and the responsibility to create the life they want and in turn improving self-esteem.

VISION: I have found through reading many other books that setting goals and having a vision is important in achieving high self-esteem. To dream big, take action and have time to reflect on the journey towards the achievement of attaining it. To make goals exciting was an important piece of information I found. Why set a goal if it is not exciting and you dont believe in it? I have listed in my appendix the 6 human needs to happiness, and it

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states that growth is one of them. Whether you look at any model from Maslows Pyramid to Anthony Robbins 6 human needs, it comes back to the same answers. Growth is important, because if you do not work towards something, challenge yourself and push yourself forward, how can you be truly fulfilled. Growing comes from setting goals and when these goals are met, is to continually set new ones.

VISUALIZATION: I have also researched into visualisation as I find it very interesting and powerful in a coaching relationship. Through much reading and study, I believe that our subconscious mind drives us. It holds all our beliefs, memories and attitudes. Therefore to make any changes, it is important we find out what is going on in our subconscious mind. We cannot make these dramatic positive changes with logical thinking or conscious thoughts. That is where visualisations come in play. Gawain (2002, p. 11-12) states that the process of change does not occur on superficial levels, through mere positive thinking. It involves exploring, discovering, and changing our deepest, most basic attitudes toward life. This is why learning to use creative visualization can become an experience of deep and meaningful growth. In the process we often discover ways in which we have been holding ourselves back, blocking ourselves from achieving satisfaction and fulfilment in our lives through our fears and unconscious beliefs. I believe from this information that we can change or rid our limiting beliefs by using visualization. I think it is important for a client to understand that they are the creators of their own life. That through their thoughts and subconscious beliefs, they are creating their own reality. For a client to

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understand this, the coach can ask the client questions from past events they have created from their thoughts. Example: a. Did you ever think of something and it has come true for you whether it was a fear or something you wanted? b. If I say to you dont think of a big bright yellow taxi cab what do you think? c. What do you say to yourself when you first wake up in the morning? d. Does this come true for you? Once the client realises that their thoughts create their reality, we can then bring awareness of beliefs and how they drive you. Examples: a. Looking at your issue, what do you believe to be true about this? b. What do you think to yourself? c. Has this happened to you in the past? d. What did your parents/friends/teachers say to you as a child, regarding this issue. Sometimes I believe it is best for the coach, not to give advice, but to explain in simple terms how we create our own reality by saying something like: When we were born as babies, we were perfect. We took risks, had no fears, did not care about humiliation and did not blame. We had a ball. Then as we grow up, we hear what other people say to us and we believe them because we look up to them. Then we take those statements and beliefs on board and we live by these beliefs. Now as adults, we forget we kept these beliefs because we have our subconscious mind holds them. That is 90% of our brain. Therefore it is important to find out what beliefs we

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have kept so we can change it. If we are not aware of our beliefs, how can we change them? It all comes back to awareness and taking responsibility. The client needs to become aware of these beliefs and what attitudes they hold toward life. The coach can start this on a conscious level, however if growth has stopped, the coach can give the client a choice of whether or not they want to try a visualization to delve further. I asked permission from one of my clients and performed a simple visualisation. This visualisation took the client back as far as she can remember, and if she does not know where the issue started, she simply trusted her subconscious mind to take her there. The process involved the client making an observation of what took place using all senses. She felt it, heard it, seen it, smelt it, touched it and looked through her own eyes of the event. She brought her awareness back to the present and shared with me what took place. She was absolutely amazed and also very saddened to discover that her parents did not want her. She went as far back as 6 months old and remembered, subconsciously, her then, teenage parents complaining and wishing they had not had her, as she was vomiting her food during dinner time. Since then, the client realised that she has been proving her worth and gaining approval for her whole life. She is now in her late 30s and is fearful of change and conflict. She feels she does not deserve to be happy. As a coach, it was a pleasure to see this discovery as it was a big leap in her self-esteem. Simply awareness makes a huge impact in selfworth. I then received permission from another client to perform a visualisation to see where her issues started and why. We went through a process of

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I have also discovered through Louise Hay a variety of methods that help boost self-worth, and her philosophies of loving and accepting yourself are attached in the appendix, however the importance of it is relevant in a coaching situation.

FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness allows someone to move on. Holding onto resentment is a huge block and prevents us from achieving our goals and accepting ourselves. Holding onto resentment also gives the power to someone or something else and therefore we cannot be responsible for our own lives. I have listed in the Appendix some exercises the coach and client can go through together to allow forgiveness to take place.

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CHAPTER 5: CONCLUSION
I believe I have achieved my goal of finding ways to improve self-worth in a coaching relationship and I feel confident I have put this into practice in recent coaching sessions with rewarding results. The two most impacting words that come to mind with this research is AWARENESS and RESPONSIBILITY. And no matter what book I pick up and read or DVD I watch, it comes back to being aware and taking responsibility. These are the secrets of improving self-esteem because every human craves to use their own ideas and abilities and not be told what to do. They want to make their own choices as this makes them feel good. Everyone wants to feel important and want to feel good. This comes back to taking control of your life to live the life you want. I have also realised my understanding of this issue has increased dramatically, as I originally thought that I need to find special exercises to conduct with the client, and I dont. I now understand that every client is different and the aim is to bring more awareness as to why the client does what s/he does and to take control and the power back and be responsible for everything that happens in your life. As Louise Hay states in all her books You are 100% responsible for everything that happens in your life. I also believe that this research has made me an effective coach as if I am not aware of how to improve self-esteem, how can I help a client more aware. Every book I pick up has listed questions asking the reader particular questions. Questions are powerful. They need to be open questions so the client can think, ponder and make decisions. This is

however a different subject questions and I have previously researched the type of questions that need to be asked in a coaching situation, however

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I have also put together a collection of my own coaching worksheets. After a session, I would help the client see the importance of continuing asking him/herself questions to promote more growth and understanding. Therefore the worksheets in the Appendix are for home play or I have even used them for a guide in a coaching situation. Some of it includes information a client can read to promote more awareness about a situation. A client always thought forgiveness means actually forgiving the other person face to face, but it doesnt. So the clients have praised me for these useful worksheets. I have also realised that even though there are different methods in helping boost self-worth for a client it comes back to the client. It is totally up to them where they want the session to go. It is their choice, their decision and their life. So if I believe visualisation would be useful to a client, I cannot force this onto a client. Permission has to be granted from the client as they must feel comfortable and ready. In saying this, I still feel more powerful that I have these different methods besides just having the IGROW model to follow. I have methods from visualisation, forgiveness exercises, mirror work to love and approve of yourself, responsibility, awareness questions, having a vision and setting goals and I am sure I can continue to find plenty more I can therefore be more adaptable and flexible for different clientele. I feel that since I have conducted this research that I am a more confident, powerful but also nurturing Coach. Self-worth is the crux of coaching and awareness and responsibility is the ingredient. It is the clients session, it is their life and it is their choice. Give them the option!!

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BIBLIOGRAPHY
1. Gawain, Shakti. 2002. Creative Visualization. Nataraj Publishing. pp. 11-12. 2. Harrold, Fiona. 2005. Indestructible self-belief. Piatkus Books, London. pp. 1-37. 3. Hay, Louise L. 2002. You can heal your life companion book. Hay House, Australia. Pp. 12-13, 124-125. 4. Hay, Louise L. 1991. The Power is within you. Hay House, Australia. 5. McGinnis, Alan Loy. 1987. Confidence, how to succeed at being yourself. Augsburg Publishing, Minneapolis. 6. McKay, M. Fanning., Honeychurch, C., Sutker, C. 1999. The Self-esteem Companion. New Harbinger Publications. 7. Naik, Anita. 1998. Self-esteem. Hodder Childrens Books, London. 8. Oconnor, J., & Lages, A. 2004. Coaching with NLP. Element, London. 9. Palladino, Connie. 1989. Developing Self-esteem. Crisp Publications, USA. 10. Schiraldi, G. 2001. The Self-esteem Workbook. New Harbinger Publications. 11. Whitmore, John. 2002. Coaching for Performance. Nicholas Brealey, London.

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APPENDIX Coaching Worksheets for Homeplay

BELIEFS
Belief is nothing but a state of being, a feeling of certainty that governs all your behaviours. The birth of excellence begins with the awareness that all beliefs are made by choice. You now have the skills and techniques to choose your own beliefs, to change them. Your reality is the reality you create through your beliefs, so if you change your beliefs you change your reality! Beliefs are created from environment, past outcomes, creative thinking, education, events in life. Anything can become a belief, eg I am a brilliant writer or I am sexy People who lack motivation in life, dont believe that they can make a difference.WE KNOW BETTER.

My 3 Empowering Beliefs to Help Me Achieve My Goals: Goal 1

Goal 2

Goal 3 Where do I already demonstrate that I have this belief already in my life, think of the 8 life areas: Emotional; Health; Partner; Vocation; Money; Personal Development; family/social and Spiritual. Goal 1

Goal 2

Goal 3 Some men see things as they are, and say why? I dream of things that never were, and say, Why Not? George Bernard Shaw

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NEW BELIEFS
5 different ways that new beliefs can be installed: 1. Past Outcome (remember a time) 2. Events (is there an area of your life you already do/are this) 3. Creative Thinking (could you dream/imagine it) 4. Education (what could you learn) 5. Environment (who could you model) Write down 2 different ways that you could do something to strengthen this new empowering belief:

Belief 1: Idea 1: Idea 2:

Belief 2: Idea 1: Idea 2: Belief 3: Idea 1: Idea 2:

EFFORT The spirit to win and the will to excel, are always measured one stroke at a time

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BELIEFS How Beliefs Become a Selffulfilling Prophecy

Negative Beliefs lead to Negative expectations lead to Self-defeating behaviour lead to Poor Outcome Eg. People arent to be trusted Not expecting others to help/give/support frustration Loneliness Failure equals failure Success equals success Positive Beliefs lead to Positive expectations lead to Self-motivating behaviour lead to Excellent Outcome

leads to leads to leads to

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What are 3 beliefs that dont support you? Negative Belief 1: ________________________________________________________________ What has it cost you so far? ________________________________________________________________ What will it cost you in 5 years time? ________________________________________________________________ Negative Belief 2: ________________________________________________________________ What has it cost you so far? _______________________________________________________________ What will it cost you in 5 years time? ________________________________________________________________ Negative Belief 3: ________________________________________________________________ What has it cost you so far? ________________________________________________________________ What will it cost you in 5 years time? ________________________________________________________________ Where did you get your negative beliefs from? How old were you when you got them? Who taught you to believe them? List 2 reasons for each why they are complete garbage. BELIEF 1: _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ BELIEF 2: _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ BELIEF 3: _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ PAGE 28

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BELIEFS EXERCISE
Without thinking about your responses too much, complete as many of the following sentences about yourself as you can. These are limiting decisions. Eg. I am always clumsy. Im not smart.

I am

because .

I am not .. because . I always ... because . I can I will ... because . .. because . I cant .... because . I wont .. because . I choose to.. because . I choose not to .. because . I deserve .. because . I dont deserve ... because . I like ... because . I dont like .. because . because ... I am good at ..because . I am not good at .. I want .... because ... I dont want .. because ... Im not afraid of .. because . I am afraid of .. because . It is hard to .. . because . It is easy to .. because . I cant say no to ... because . I can say no to .. because . I believe in .. I will always be ok .. because . because . I dont believe in .. because . I can handle anything when .... because .

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DISCOVERING THE ROOT CAUSE

0-7 7 14 14 21 Imprint Modelling Socialization Cookie Cutter of Parent Role Models Develop values and beliefs

St Clair Thomas

Your Questions indicate the depth of your belief Look at the depth of your questions Lyn

IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, BELIEFS & MESSAGES

MEDITATION
In this meditation you will become aware of the thoughts that you have during different parts of the day When you first wake up, what are your typical thoughts? Are you grateful to be alive and excited about your day, are you neutral, or are you dreading getting up? Now become aware of your thoughts as you get ready for your day (either work or other activities) What are you thinking? As you are getting dressed and see yourself in the mirror, how do you react? What kind of thoughts do you have as you are commuting to work? How do you react as you see your co-workers and your boss? Are you judging them or do you know theyre doing the best they can? When you go to lunch, what do you think of your body and the food that you have decided to eat? Are you worried about the calories or do you feel good about choosing healthy food? Become aware of your typical thoughts as you continue through your day and go home or to other evening activities? What are your usual last thoughts as you prepare for bed and go to sleep? Perhaps you are aware of how much your thoughts have changed since beginning these coaching sessions!

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Perhaps you are aware that there are many thoughts during the day that need to be changed. Tell yourself, right now, I approve of myself and I easily choose the thoughts that nourish me! Imagine yourself looking in the mirror and saying, I love you! Now take a few deep breaths, stretch, and gently bring your awareness back to this room and open your eyes. What did you learn from this meditation? If there are many negative thoughts, do not blame yourself. Understand that you have spent many years with the old habits of thinking, and it does take time to develop the new ones. Criticism will not help! Learning to think more creatively and positively is like learning a new skill. You wouldnt expect to go out and play a sport well the first time? Now is a good time to write new affirmations positive affirmations based on the insights you had during this meditation. Eg. I really hate going to this job to I am grateful this job is available for me to meet my living needs. POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

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FORGIVENESS
Write down 3 past negative events. Include what they meant to you at the time. 1.

2.

3.

What did you learn from the situation that has helped you and how did this situation serve you afterwards? 1.

2.

3.

Write a letter of thanks to the people involved in these events. You may also need to thank others or yourself for your learnings. 1. 2. 3. Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. Ed Cunningham

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FORGIVING AND RELEASING THE PAST

Write a letter to someone you are angry with. Express your feelings. It is up to you what you want to do with this letter.

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LET GO- unknown

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I cant do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, its the realization I cant control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, its to make the most of myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their destinies. To let go is not to be protective, its to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it. To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To let go is not to lose power, but to be open to the power within. To let go is to fear less, and love more.

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MY MASK
I, too wear a mask so you cant see the real me. So you wont know how I feel, how I hurt, How imperfect I am.

That mask has become my reality, my security, the face I show the world.

If that mask should slip, Will I have the courage to be myself?

To show the real me, imperfections and all, to you I dont know Im not sure.

But, from time to time, when no one else is around, I dare to slip it off for just a moment, Almost hoping youll be there.

Roberts Hermansen
What are the masks we wear?

________________________________________________ Why do we need masks?

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THEY MAY NOT DESERVE FORGIVENESS, BUT I DO Ann P.

What do you think this means?

Forgiveness is an act, not a feeling. Thought it may generate feelings, forgiveness is an exercise of the will. When we forgive, we refuse to be further damaged by the wrongdoing of others. A refusal to forgive is called a RESENTMENT. And the victim of resentment is always the one who carries it. The people we refuse to forgive may neither know nor care about resentment.

To hang onto a resentment is to harbour a thief in the heart. By the minute and the hour, resentment steals the joy we could treasure now and remember forever. It pilfers our energy to celebrate life.

We victimise ourselves when we withhold forgiveness.

(From: Days of Healing, Days of Joy by E. Larsen & C. Hegarty)

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__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________

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CHANGE
QUICK & EASY WORKSHEET:
AREA OF LIFE WANTING TO IMPROVE: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ____________________________ THOUGHTS: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ORIGIN OF BELIEF: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ____________________________ NEW THOUGHTS & BELIEFS: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________

VISUALISATION OF WHAT YOU DO WANT:

WHAT DO YOU SEE? _____________________________________________ WHAT DO YOU HEAR? ____________________________________________ WHAT ARE YOU DOING? __________________________________________ HOW DO YOU FEEL? _____________________________________________ HOW IS YOUR POSTURE? _________________________________________ HOW ARE YOU BREATHING? ______________________________________ HOW WILL IT IMPACT YOUR LIFE? _________________________________ WHAT ARE YOU THINKING TO YOURSELF? ___________________________ HOW WILL THIS CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR VISION? _____________________

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MORE IN DEPTH WORKSHEET:

To improve the quality of your life and to create the life you want, you must be willing to change. To change you must be willing to grow and work on yourself. Invest time in yourself with this homeplay.
If you always do what you have always done; you will always get what you have always gotten unknown. You are 100% responsible for everything that happens in your life, Louise L. Hay. You have a choice on how to respond to any given person or situation. Take back the power and change. First step in change is awareness. How can you change something if you are not aware of it? Most common belief is Im not good enough deservability.

AWARENESS
1. What do you want that you do not have now? Be clear and specific about your desires.

2. What were the laws/rules in your home about deserving? Did they tell you that you dont deserve or you deserve a good smack? Did your parents feel deserving? Did you always have to earn in order to deserve? Did earning work for you? Were you told that you were no good? Or that sinners dont deserve? Were things taken away from you when you did something wrong?

3. Whom do you need to forgive in order to deserve? Bitterness puts a wall around our heart and makes it difficult for us to receive.

4. Be aware of your beliefs and thoughts: Money is always in short supply Money leads to debt Success is only for the rich Failure means doing it wrong Work is boring Sex is dirty Love equates to loss and heartbreak Women get paid less Men are bossy

I am hopeless I cant do that I have a bad memory I never win anything Friends are time consuming Knowledge makes you a know it all I will always be broke I am unattractive What happens if they wont like me?

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5. Write all your thoughts about the area you want to work on in your life; without analysing it too much. (look at what you wrote in question 1) The first words, phrases, statements that come to mind.

How many of these thoughts and beliefs are negative. Where did these thoughts come from? Were they said in your family. These are the beliefs that are holding you back from being all that you can be. These are the beliefs you want to erase, drop or reprogram. Now, put an asterix next to the ones that are nourishing and supportive of you, eg Money helps me live a pleasurable life or Love can happen at any time or Work is fulfilling and meaningful or Sex is a gift two people share or I accept all parts of my body or I am confident. These are the ones you want to keep. Realise that every thought we think is creating our future. Remember, these are only thoughts and thoughts can be changed. The point of power is in the present moment.

CHANGE -

You can choose to hold onto a belief or choose to change it. You have the choice. Change all of your negative beliefs above to positive beliefs/affirmations. Remember what you focus on is what you get. So focus on present, positive and personal.

Eg. Instead of I am always broke change to I have an abundance of money to meet all my needs and wants. Eg. Instead of I am overweight and unhealthy. I can never lose weight change to I feel healthy, fit, strong and have an abundance of energy to do all the things I want to do Eg. Instead of Everyone expects too much of me to I am capable and competent Eg. Instead of I am hopeless at public speaking to I am a confident, strong public speaker

WARNING: You will notice a change when you change your thoughts. You will feel different, more possibilities will come your way and you will actually get what you want. Challenge yourself for 30 days!!

OLD BELIEF ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________

NEW BELIEF _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________

Use these new beliefs and say them over and over so you drown out any negative beliefs. Remember - what you focus on is what you get. Focus determines your reality. Imagine firewalking. What do you think happens to these two people the person concentrating on the hot coals melting the human flesh or the person affirming that they are walking on cold moss and looking at the outcome, straight ahead, head high, body tall and in a peak emotional state? They get what they ask for. Affirm, affirm, affirm. You dont tell a plant to hurry up and grow do you? Same with yourself, have patience and dont give up too early. Keep affirming your new beliefs and see the changes take place.

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VALUES - What are your values?

Do you live by positive values or negative? Do you live in fear or faith? What do you live life by? Passion, confidence, determination, focus, power? Does everything you do abide by your values? List your top 5 values and then ask yourself Do I live my life by these values? 1. _______________________________________________________________________ ________________ 2. _______________________________________________________________________ ________________ 3. _______________________________________________________________________ ________________ 4. _______________________________________________________________________ ________________ 5. _______________________________________________________________________ ________________

VISION what is your purpose in life?

Do you live on the fear end I dont want to be broke, I will never get what I want, I hope I get it. Get going. Move forward. Aim high. Plan for a takeoff. Dont just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply wont happen Donald Trump. Three brick layers were cementing some bricks into place. One person went along to each one and asked what are you building? One brick layer said a wall another brick layer said a building and the last brick layer said a temple. Which bricklayer enjoyed laying the bricks and had the vision? Are you living each day by its tasks or are you living life working towards your vision. If you have a vision, you have a purpose and a reason to be excited and jump out of bed each morning with energy and passion.

What is your vision? Your vision is your unique way of saying how you want to live your life.

PEAK STATE How do you present yourself to the world? Do you hunch over, head down and hoping things go your way, scared of taking a risk and hope you dont get hurt or do you stand tall, head high, shoulders back and walk each step with passion, energy and confidence because you know where you are going and you are excited about it. Think of your vision and your goals for a moment and visualise how a person who has achieved that or lives by that how does that person stand, walk, move and talk? Write it down:

Dont wait until you have achieved your goals. Be that person now. You can feel good right now. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Happiness is about growing and changing. Are you making small positive changes in your life?

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Invest in yourself each day and make that small change. You choose how you want your life to be. You choose how you want to live. You have a choice. There is no right or wrong choice; its how you respond to it: Its not what happens to you, but how you deal with it, that is important. If you have received value from this exercise, I would love to know. If you are looking for guidance, clarity or support in making changes in your life, in any area of your life I am a life coach and I offer the first session for free to any new client. This gives you the opportunity to experience coaching. Its your choice.

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ACCEPTING YOURSELF
1. Negative Messages as a child visualise 2. Positive Learnings 3. Affirmations to drown out negative messages 4. Things grateful for 5. Strengths 6. Forgiveness let go of the past 7. Inner child visualisation, drawing 8. Mirror work 9. Because I love myself 10. Effective Communication assertiveness, right to express feelings, 11. Should (control & perfect) choose 12. Self esteem - reward yourself for accomplishments 13. List adv & disadv of being imperfect and perfect 14. Collage of your life

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SELF-NURTURING
Self-nurturing involves taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Relaxation techniques is the first step and the most important as it helps release stress and rejuvenate the body, mind and spirit. RELAXATION TECHNIQUES Deep Breathing

For a baby, full breathing is natural and normal. However, as we grow up and encounter stressful situations, our breathing becomes restricted. Dr Andrew Weil, author of 8 Weeks to Optimum Health, states that conscious breathing is the single most important thing you can do for your health! Re-learning to breathe full and freely is a part of embracing life and welcoming more aliveness, love, joy and prosperity into your life. Here are the instructions for deep breathing: Sit and stand comfortably. Put one hand on your abdomen and one hand on the top of your chest. Breathe normally. Notice if one hand is moving more than the other. If your top hand is moving more, you are in a stressed pattern of breathing. If our bottom hand is moving more, you are using your diaphragm to breathe, which is good, and you also want to expand the top of your chest to breathe in even more fully. Gently breathe deeply and easily into your abdomen using your diaphragm. Your stomach will move out. Continue breathing in, allowing the air to fill the middle and top parts of your lungs. Be careful not to raise your shoulders. Just let your chest expand fully, but gently. Then exhale slowly. Repeat several times.
The Quieting Reflex The Quieting Reflex was developed by Charles Stroebel, M.D. It only takes six seconds and can help you relax very quickly. It is meant to be practiced dozens of times a day.

Close your eyes. Smile inwardly with your mouth and eyes. Then say to yourself: Alert Mind, Calm Body. Now take a deep easy breath all the way down to your abdomen. As you exhale, let your jaw, and shoulders go limp while you feel a wave of warmth and heaviness flowing all the way down your body, from your head to your toes. Open your eyes.

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Extended Relaxation or Meditation Practicing extended relaxation allows you to re-train your body to relax. Since mind, body, emotions, and spirit are all connected, practicing this simple technique provides you with a powerful process for change. As you relax your body, your mind becomes quieter, your emotions become more balanced, and you can connect with your Inner Wisdom more easily. Even if you only have a few minutes to practice this technique, you will experience benefit. When you practice an extended relaxation for 5 to 20 minutes, do so before eating a meal, or wait a half-hour after eating a light meal and at least an hour after eating a large one. Take the phone off the hook and recognize that this is a special time for nurturing yourself. You may find that playing soothing music in the background helps you achieve greater relaxation. Some people prefer using guided meditation to help them relax. You can even tape the following instructions for yourself.

Sit comfortably. Loosen ay restrictive clothing. Gently close your eyes. Breathe deeply and easily. Focus your attention on your breathing. As you breathe in, think to yourself, I am and as you breathe out, think to yourself, relaxed. Do this several times. Let your shoulders, jaw and back relax and let go. Then, beginning at the top of your head, move your consciousness slowly down through your body scanning for tension. Any place that you feel tension, pause and imagine breathing in relaxation to that part of your body and breathing out the tension. Continue this process until your entire body feels relaxed. FEEL yourself becoming more and more relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Return to the thoughts, I am as you breathe in and relaxed as you breathe out. When you are ready, slowly bring your attention back to the moment. Become aware of the room and the chair or sofa you are sitting on. Breathe more deeply. Stretch, begin to move your arms and legs, and then slowly open your eyes. Take a few minutes to return to your usual activity level.
There are numerous other methods for deep relaxation. You can choose one that suits you. Here are some suggestions:

Count your breaths from one to four. Simply count mentally each time you exhale, starting with one and going to four. Repeat the counting over and over. Think to yourself, calm and serene with each breath, or any other phrase that is relaxing for you. Visualise yourself in a beautiful, peaceful setting. Alternatively tense and relax the muscles in different parts of your body. This is called Progressive Relaxation and was developed by Dr. Edmund Jacobsen in the 1920s.
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Once you are relaxed, gently think your affirmations.

Practicing deep relaxation and gaining the many benefits from it does take time and commitment. Start when you can, with the time you have, and you will soon be motivated to take 20 minutes a day for this wonderful self-nurturing and rejuvenating technique!

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EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Changing priorities often means that we must communicate these priorities and new needs to those around us, so effective communication is very important. Effective communication involves being direct and honest in expressing your thoughts and feelings; saying whats on your mind while respecting the other persons ideas also; believing in your personal rights; actively listening to others; and taking responsibility for your reactions and feelings. You use I statements such as I would like more support from you rather than You are just not supporting me There are three parts to effective communication: effective verbal responses, effective body language, and effective thinking. Verbal behaviour Effective verbal behaviour is honest and direct, respecting of yourself and others. When requesting, you state exactly what you want, not demanding, and not hinting around, hoping others will get it. You may not always get what you are requesting, but you feel empowered by making your needs and wants known. Have your client write out a few requests and/or responses and practice them. Non-verbal behaviours These include eye contact, body posture, facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures. Non-verbal behaviours communicate 50% or more of your messages, so it is critical that they are congruent with the verbal message. If a person goes to ask their supervisor for a raise and non-verbally communicates hesitation and lack of conviction, the verbal request is significantly weakened. A suggestion would be to role play with your coach or a friend and even in front of the mirror. Thinking Negative thoughts can prevent people from communicating effectively. Psychologist Albert Ellis identifies three major irrational thoughts that hinder effectively expressing ones needs. These are: 1. I MUST be thoroughly competent (perfect) or at least have one area where I am outstanding. And if I dont, its terrible!

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2. I MUST have the love and approval of all the significant people in my life, and if I dont its awful! 3. Things SHOULD go the way I want them to, and when they dont I cant stand it! The first two thoughts lead to being passive. Either the person is afraid to try something new for fear of failure, or they dont want to upset their significant others. The third thought generally creates frustration and anger. Lets look at thinking more positively: 1. Its OK if Im not perfect at this right away. At least Im getting started! 2. Of course I want love and approval, but I can handle it if they need some time to adjust to my needs. It is important that I am saying yes to myself. 3. Its great when everything works out exactly the way I want it, but when it doesnt I can handle it. The concept of personal rights involves beliefs about valuing our own feelings and decisions. They include: 1. I have the right to express my feelings and opinions. 2. I have the right to say no. 3. I have the right to make mistakes. 4. I have the right to change my mind. 5. I have the right to make a request. 6. I have the right to decide how to use my time. 7. I have the right to be the judge of my own behaviour. 8. I have the right to disagree with someone.

HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF

1. Stop all criticism. Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your

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changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive. 2. Dont scare yourself. Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. Its a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasurable thought. 3. Be gentle and kind and patient. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved. 4. Be kind to your mind. Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Dont hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change the thoughts. 5. Praise yourself. Criticism breaks the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing. 6. Support yourself. Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it. 7. Be loving to your negatives. Acknowledge that you created them to fulfil a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfil those needs. So, lovingly release the old negative patterns. 8. Take care of your body. Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in. 9. Mirror work. Look into your own eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them, too. At least once a day say: I love you, I really love you! 10. Love yourself Do it now! Dont wait for until you get well, or lose the weight, or get the new job, or the new relationship. Begin NOW do the best you can. 1988 Louise Hay From The Power is Within You

RESPONSIBILITY
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How to take complete control of your life!

LAY BLAME When you give someone else the ability to impact your life in a massive way! Eg. My partner always stops me doing things Its my parents fault Im not more confident JUSTIFY When you lie to yourself and others about why you havent done something. Eg. I cant get a new job because Im too old I cant get a partner because I dont have time In both these instances are you in-control or out of control, do you have power over your life or have you given it to someone or something. RESPONSIBILITY When you take control and understand that everything in your life is a result of action that you have taken or not taken.

I believe that everyone, myself included, is 100% responsible for everything in our lives, the best and the worst Each one of us creates our experiences by our thoughts and our feelings We create the situations, and then we give our power away by blaming the other person for our frustration
(p. 7 Louise Hay Heal your Life)

If its to be, its up to me! Are you causing your life? Do you live on the pain or the pleasure end of life? Do you blame or have the power? BLAME Anger RESPONSIBILITY Love

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Upset Blaming Pain Vengeance Lack of focus Self pity Envy Helplessness Limbo Impatience Joylessness Fatigue Obsessiveness Judgmentalness

Understanding Power Enlightenment Forgiveness Clarity Acceptance Joy Power Direction Tolerance Playfulness Nourishment Balance & Harmony Unconditional Love

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Listen to others as they justify and lay blame, become aware of those around you who will not accept responsibility for their own destiny. Write down a specific example of someone justifying themselves. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ Write down a specific example of someone laying blame. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ Do these people have personal power in their lives? _______________________________________________________________ Are they getting the results in their lives that they want? ________________________________________________________________ What can you learn from this? _______________________________________________________ Where in your life are you justifying? _______________________________________________________ Who have you given your power to in this situation? _______________________________________________________ What are the consequences of justifying your actions in this situation? _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ What specifically do you need to do to take responsibility in this situation right now? _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ Where in your life are you laying blame? _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ Who have you given your power to in this situation? _______________________________________________________ What are the consequences of laying blame in this situation? _______________________________________________________
What specifically do you need to do to take responsibility in this situation right now?

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MIRROR WORK
Mirror work is a powerful technique for getting out of your head and right into your heart and emotions. It helps you learn to love and approve of yourself, as well as make wonderful steps forward in life. Mirror work promotes self-love. Loving yourself is not vain and selfish. In the dictionary it defines self-love as the desire or tendency that leads one to seek to promote his own well-being Isnt that a wonderful definition? Just be willing to practice this technique. It will transform 1. Look in the mirror and just notice what comes up 2. What thoughts and feelings are there? 3. Are you immediately critical of your physical appearance? 4. Do you have positive feelings about yourself? 5. Say to yourself I love you or if that is too difficult say I am willing to love you. Start wherever you feel comfortable. 6. What other positive messages can you give yourself? A suggestion would be to congratulate yourself for achieving something that week. You can use mirror work to encourage yourself, forgive yourself and others, and practice your communication skills. If you are willing to do mirror work every day, you will experience quantum leaps in your life!

THE 6 HUMAN NEEDS

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1.

CERTAINTY Everybody wants stability about their basic necessities food, shelter, and other material resources. When people cannot control their physical circumstances, they may seek certainty through a state of mind (such as religious faith or a positive outlook). Too much leads to boredom.

2.

VARIETY People have a need to change their state, to exercise their body and emotions. Therefore they seek variety through a number of means stimuli, change of scene, physical activity, mood swings, entertainment, food, etc. Too much leads to overwhelm.

3.

SIGNIFICANCE - Everybody needs to feel special and important in some way. People will seek significance through obtaining recognition from others or from themselves. When people feel insignificant, they may make themselves feel significant by getting angry. They may also meet their needs paradoxically, by having others recognize the significance of their insignificance or the size and complexity of their problems. It is important to remember that for many, helplessness is power. Craving for significance and being different can lead to feeling unconnected though.

4.

LOVE & CONNECTION Humans need to feel connected with someone or something a person, an ideal, a value, a habit, or a sense of identity. Connection may take the form of love, or merely of intense engagement for instance, one can feel connected by means of an aggressive interaction. Needing to feel too much love and connection leads to co-dependence and lack of self-esteem. These last important 2 are the highest needs for humans:

5.

GROWTH Everything in the universe is either growing or dying there is no third alternative. People are not spiritually satisfied unless their capacities are expanding. Making progress makes you happy.

6.

CONTRIBUTION Just as people cannot survive without others contributing in some way to their welfare (no baby grew up on its own), they cannot be spiritually fulfilled unless they are contributing to others as well.

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