National Aeronautics and Space Administration

2013 April Fools Edition

APPLIED ENGINEERING AND TECHNOLOGY DIRECTORATE

APPLIED ENGINEERING AND TECHNOLOGY DIRECTORATE

(Code 500) Sequestrian Guidance NASA Investigates Cruise Lines Mishap ACES to ABACUS Increased Scrutiny for ITAR and EAR Inspired CrossTraining Ef ciencies NASA Spinoff Hair at a Touch of a Button

to the U.S. Federal Budget Sequester (2013), automatic-spending cuts will be put into action. As a result, the AETD BMO was asked to take a closer look at ways of reducing costs and to look for opportunities to be more resourceful with our existing assets. That said, we are excited to unveil our list of creative solutions: 1. Budget overruns will be inspected by the IG (Inspector General) Ofce. 2. Lab taxes will no longer be paid with project funds. All labs are now required to generate their own revenue through fund raising events (e.g. bake sales, car washes). 3. The IRAD (Internal Research & Development) Program will be renamed GINA (Great Ideas Not Affordable). 4. Monthly MSRs will now feature Donald Trump in attendance. Everyone should be VERY careful when reporting out cost overruns. 5. To raise revenue, the Building 7 thermal vacuum chambers will be rented out to local pottery companies during hot cycles. We apologize in advance for any scheduling inconveniences. "&5%
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April 2013

Due

Sequestration Guidance from the AETD Business Management Ofce (BMO)

monthly message

2013 Sequestration Travel Guidance

Effective Monday the following procedures developed by Center management apply:

Lodging: All personnel performing temporary duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on government business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and ofce lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. Transportation: Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure on TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Washington D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be substituted for travel to Washington D.C. Meals: Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, occasionally, Safeway often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. We realize many of you survive your weekends this way. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Personnel are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna sh, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of these items will not be reimbursed. Miscellaneous: All personnel are encouraged to devise innovative techniques to save tax dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be available to personnel so that sales may be made as time permits. Proceeds must be turned into the Ofce of the Chief Financial Ofcer (OCFO) at the conclusion of the TDY. We welcome any suggestions for further scal innovations. Remember, We invite you to be a Waste Buster.

NASA Asked to Investigate Carnival Cruise Lines Mishap

Similar to the Toyota Acceleration issue, NASA was asked by the owners
of the British-American owned company, Carnival Cruise Lines, to investigate and resolve the recent failures experienced on the Carnival Cruise line ships. Given NASAs reputation with resolving the Toyota acceleration issue, NASA is condent that it will nd the problems with the cruise line generators; after all its just a diesel engine and an alternator. Issues with how to pay NASA for investigating these mishaps have confounded NASA management in that NASA employees cannot accept free cruises nor accept free alcoholic beverages due to government ethics regulations. NASAs mishap investigation board found that instead of using diesel fuel to power the generators, an inexpensive blend of tequila and dark rum was discovered in the fuel tanks of the generators. Apparently, the engine room staff were smuggling their wares in the generator fuel tanks, never dreaming that they would experience a complete engine failure and require the use of the emergency generators. Fortunately, NASA concluded that the blend of liquids found in the generator fuel tanks can be used on future cruises to fuel the hundreds of Tiki torches that are used on-deck and around the pool.
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ACES to ABACUS

In response to the sequestration objective of reducing NASAs budget by

$720M, as well as the fact that we just really like doing these sorts of things, AETD has decided to switch their IT contract from ACES to ABACUS. ABACUS provides centuries-old technology with a sleek design that can be easily transported from work to home and beyond as part of NASAs Work From Anywhere program. ABACUS provides distinct advantages over ACES with high resolution viewing, minimal power consumption, and improved antivirus capabilities when an appropriate hand sanitizer is used. Users wishing to learn more about ABACUS, including obtaining Elevated Privileges forms, may do so at http://areyoukiddingme.gsfc.nasa.gov

ABACUS S Seat standard model

Increased Scrutiny for International Trafc in Arms Regulations (ITAR) and Export Administration Regulations (EAR)
The publication policy for ITAR and EAR has changed to help reduce the
total amount of paperwork for Document Availability Authorization (DAA) forms. All publications must be published using invisible ink. Invisible ink will ensure no-one outside of the agency can review the contents of the paper, presentation, or poster. Under the new environmental friendly policy, there is no longer a need to waste paper for submitting the DAA form, since all published papers are invisible. As a nal measure to help protect our Nations assets in the event the invisible ink policy is not followed, all yellow highlighters will be replaced by black highlighters.

Sequestration Inspires Cross-Training Efciencies

While many Agencies are taking drastic actions to meet

Federally imposed budget cutbacks due to sequestration, Goddard is making lemonade out of lemons. The NASA Administrator decided against furloughs for civil servants in lieu of

other cost savings measures. This gives the eld Centers autonomy to meet the new cost ceilings, so Goddard senior management held a retreat at Wallops to brainstorm some ideas. In light of the simultaneous decline in in-house work, management saw an opportunity to reassign civil servants to jobs traditionally lled by contractors. In an address to the Goddard Contractors Association, the Center Director said, While we would prefer not to impact our support contractor community, we all need to sacrice in these trying times. Civil servants have diverse skills that are a good t for many contractor jobs associated with overhead funded activities. In order to promote fairness, the Director of the Ofce of Human Capital Management (OHCM) negotiated an agreement with the GESTA union to use the GOBBS system to advertise and ll long-term positions, and a revolutionary Day Laborer system to ll short-term positions. Cont., pg 4
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Sequester-Inspired Long-term Jobs These jobs will be lled in the traditional way using the GOBBS system, by the use of brief resumes and informal interviews. The following full-time positions are a sampling of announcements and their associated prerequisites: 1. Security Guard (requires basic rearms training) 2. Grounds Keeper (must provide own lawnmower and rake) 3. High Voltage Electrical Maintenance Worker (requires ESD certication) 4. ACES Service Technician (no computer experience required) 5. Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Counselor (requires SATERN course GSFC-PSY-EASY, Applied Psychology for the non-professional) 6. Medical Director (Requires GED and 4-hour SATERN course GSFC-SH-CPRAED, American Heart Association primer in CPR and AED use) Sequester-Inspired Day Laborer Jobs When civil servants need a WBS for part-time or short-term work, the day laborer model will be adopted as often seen outside Home Depot. Employees are instructed to report outside the main gate to the fenced-in Work Detail Corral. Employees for hire are to line up in an orderly fashion by pay grade. Hiring managers may conduct non-contact examinations of the pool of laborers but must make prompt selections to promote the safe ow of trafc. In order to comply with the Centers anti-harassment policy, managers may not dehumanize workers or ask them to perform personal services. All day laborers are to be promptly returned to the corral at the end of the workday. Drivers are required to come to a complete stop when dropping off their laborers.

New NASA Spinoff Hair at a Touch of a Button

NASA
just announced a breakthrough invention that has sparked a government wide craze to visit the Vandenberg Air Force Base control room. It all started at the recent successful Landsat Data Continuity Mission (LDCM) Observatory launch on February 11, 2013. On the day of the launch, three Goddard Executives (300/Rich Barney, 300/Eric Isaac, and 500/Dennis Andrucyk) were sitting in the control room playing Angry Birds and trying to understand their roles and responsibilities on the team. After it was declared that LDCM had successfully achieved orbit insertion, the three misinterpreted the jubilation in the control room as authorization to prematurely power on the Thermal Infrared Sensor (TIRS) and Operational Land Imager (OLI) instruments . Having missed the necessary training, they all reached for the activation button at the same time (thinking it was akin to striking the bell used in Safety Jeopardy). Within seconds, all three were no longer follically challenged. Unbenownst to them, Code 580 had programmed in an Executive Incompetence Ego Inhibit Operation, or EIEIO. The EIEIO not only prevented the executives from powering on the instruments, but a bug in the software also created exact replicas of the hair styles each of them sported in high school! Although this is not the type of image that the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) was expected to publically reveal from these instruments, you can see that it might be worth a visit to the VAFB to see what could happen for you. Rich, Eric, and Dennis were elated to one up the infamous Mohawk Man from JPLs Mars Science Lander launch. Realizing the commercial potential of this unintended invention, the Innovative Partnership Program Ofce is already seeking a corporate sponsor to license the technology.

This minor government glitch, sequestration, Is leaving everything in an uproar. Restricted travel and training. Even the fun--it is waning. Not enough funding to clean the ofce oor.
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