348 Footy Town

And Another!
by Tony Wilson

Ned in late 1999. I told the coach, ex-Port Melbourne wingman Kane Bowden (of the Richmond and Alice Spring Bowdens), that I definitely wasnt going to play. Im too busy, I said, referring to my starring role in a soon to be deceased ABC lifestyle show known as Dimensions: On the Move. And my knees are sore. Im definitely done. By the start of pre-season I was thinking about joining in training. By the time the residential colleges were back I was possibly up for the practice games. And by Round 1, I was bleeding black and blue and committed for half of the next decade. The transformation has something to do with football. I realised in a few short weeks that Id missed the competition, the physical act of jumping for the ball in a test of skill, of winning or losing in the moment. Id always loved the competitive aspect. Famously, Id worn a mouthguard to a schoolyard game of kick-to-kick in my late teens. Oh, fuck off, was all Dave Lucas could say when he saw it. Get that fucking thing out. I took kick-to-kick pretty seriously. For my last two years at school, nobody over six foot came up my end.

he University Blacks Football Club ruined me. More specifically, it ruined

my cartilages. They were already pretty shabby when I arrived, twentyseven years old and safely retired, for a gentle off-season jog with my brother

round xx 349 Tony Wilson

Id also missed team competition winning or losing games, making the finals or missing out, the idea that for two hours each week, twenty-two men form a shape-shifting organism and either win or lose against an enemy twenty-two. Part of the magic of the experience is that its relatively meaningless triumph and meaningless defeat. In real life, competition is so much more bitter and permanent. She likes you more as a friend Sorry, were going to promote Simon Your shows being put back to 11.30. Footy games are important enough to fire the adrenalin, but unimportant enough for the scars to heal. At least thats how it should be. For most of my career, it seemed as if I hadnt been playing for fun. At Hawthorn (1989-92) Id either been hoping to make it, nearly making it, or falling off a cliff. At Prahran (1993), things had gone swimmingly until the club had imploded into financial oblivion. At Preston (1995-97), wed gone from Bullants to Knights to Northern Knights to a plaything for the newly formed TAC under-eighteens competition. For most of the time, I fantasised about making it back to the AFL. None of these places felt like my club. When I played my first game for University Blacks in 2000, I finally discovered my football home. Its not that the blokes are better blokes than other blokes theres a senseless jingoism to that sentiment that doesnt appeal to my sense of egalitarian logic its just that blokes there seem to be better blokes than other blokes. It works almost like a crazy mirror at the fair. Come into the place as a bit of a dickhead. Stay for a few training sessions and youll wobble into some semblance of good bloke-dom. It has something to do with that most hackneyed of post-millennium phrases, club culture. The surrounding colleges, as well as lending heavenly spires and church chimes and sandstone backdrops to the picket-fence perfection of the Main Oval, also provide a steady flow of educated country kids who understand strength in community. University also has a time-of-life glow; current undergrads tend to be happy, because they get to drink beer, fall in lust, and sleep in until just before training. Ex-students tend to be happy, because they get to return three times a week to the place where they used to drink beer, fall in lust, and sleep in until just before training.

350 Footy Town

Theres an atmosphere of tolerance and respect. A back pocket like Kent Bricka Begley, who set a Club XVIII games record while looking and moving something like a brick, is as welcome and important as an ex-AFL player like Mark Bolton. The reserves watch the seniors and vice-versa because off the field, theres no separation. Indeed, if depth of talent and player satisfaction are best indicated by the performances of those not in the senior team, the Blacks are a happiness colossus. The reserves have won sixteen flags in twenty-eight years. The seniors have done well, too. Four senior premierships in eleven years have restored the club to the VAFAs Premier Division (the old A-Grade). On 22 September 2012, AFL footy legend and Uni Blacks director of coaching, David Parkin, was quoted in The Age:
Id have to say that the culture at the Blacks is the best culture of any football club Ive been involved with even Hawthorn.

Melbourne University Blacks Football Club

colours Black and royal blue nickname The Blacks

ground Main Oval, Melbourne University

AFL/VFL players produced since World War 1

During my VFA career, Im ashamed to admit I once attended a camel night, an event to which each player was asked to invite two women who were not his wife or girlfriend. Alcohol was cheap for the guys, but free for the girls. The word-association

Ray Allsop (Rich.), Tony Anderson (Melb.), Max Ballantyne (Coll.), Ron Bickley (Fitzroy), Morton Browne (Hawth.), Richard Browne (Haw.), Ed Burston (Melb.), Pat Cash (Haw.), Jack Clancy (Fitzroy), Paul Clarke (N. Melb.), Leo Clements (Haw.), Denis Cordner (Melb.), Donald Cordner (Melb.), John Cordner (Melb.), Ted Cordner (Melb.), Frank Costigan (Fitzroy), Gary Crouch (Ess.), Kevin Dillon (Rich.), Es Downey (Melb.), Frank Dunin (Rich.), Reg Fisher (Rich., Geel.), Ray Galbally (Coll.), Frank Galbally (Coll.), Jack Galbally (Coll.), Colin Galbraith (Melb.), Don Gibson (N. Melb.), Audley Gillespie-Jones (Melb., Fitzroy), Ian Graham (Coll.), Jack Green (Carl., Haw.), Byron Guthrie (Footscray), Dick Hallo (N. Melb.), Jack Hardy (Carl.), Duncan Harris (Haw.), Don Hewson (Melb.), David Honybun (Carl., Rich.), Brian Johnson (N. Melb.), Pat Kennedy (Carl., Haw.), Stuart King (St Kilda), Tony King (Haw., St Kilda), Allan La Fontaine (Melb.), Alex Lee (Hawthorn), Ted Lees (Melb.), Dave Leng (University Blacks), Rod Lewis (Fitzroy, N. Melb.), Brian Martin (Melb.), Jerry McAuliffe (Haw.), Alex McGregor (Geel.), Ken Melville (Melb.), Lloyd Middleton (Ess.), Jim Mitchell (Melb.), Norm Mitchell (St Kilda), Pat Patterson (Gee.), Graham Peck (Haw., St Kilda), Noel Peverill (Carl.), Ken Phelan (St Kilda), Michael Porter (Haw.), Cliff Riley (St Kilda), Brian Roet (Melb.), Trevor Rowlands (Collingwood), Peter Sinclair (Melb.), Ray Steele (Rich.), Trevor Steer (Coll..), Frank Williams (Carl., Melb.), Ray Wilson (Haw.), John Winneke (Haw.), Ted Wood (Melb.), Jim Yewers (St Kilda).
www.uniblacks.org.au

round xx 351 Tony Wilson

stars among you will work out what part of the camels anatomy was the objective. At the Blacks, that idea would get the treatment it deserves. Indeed our social club would be more likely to structure an event around actual camels. It took a decade, but for the last four years of my career, I stopped cringing at my teammates and started laughing along with them. And I absolutely fucked my knees.

trick of nomenclature designed to fool E-Grade footballers into thinking they could hit targets. It was a special day for our opposition, the Fitzroy Reds, as the club was returning to hallowed turf for the first time since Old Fitzroy trod these clods in 1966. It was also a special day for the Wilson family, as I was joining my father Ray and younger brother Ned at the club they loved. Ned had played undernineteens and reserves since he left school in 1996, but today he was selected in the seniors as part of a double-pronged Wilson forward line. Dad had captained back-to-back premierships at the Blacks in 1964-65, a stint that had attracted the interest of VFL clubs. In 1966 he crossed to Glenferrie, and played in Hawthorns last ever game against Fitzroy at Brunswick Street, a fact he shared with his sons in the hour or so before the game. I got the three Brownlow votes that day, he said, a little mistily as the rain set in. And didnt you win a bed for getting most club votes in the Brownlow that year? I replied. Dad confirmed that he did, and Ned and I departed to pace the ground, speculating quietly as to whether there might be a direct link between this very turf and the sleeping apparatus that eventually contributed to our existence. It ended up being a classic game. The Reds slipped to a five-goal deficit, but in the last quarter they were blown towards the line by a howling gale and a raucous home crowd. I remember Ned winning the ball in the forward pocket, drawing a player, and handballing to Simon Smith for a spectacular goal. I remember lining up for goal as an opposition defender shared his thoughts about the Kareem

y first game for the club was played

on the Brunswick Street Oval. The

Blacks were playing in the newly named D2 division of the Amateurs, a

352 Footy Town

Abdul Jabbar glasses Id donned to protect my eyes from possible lacerations from the hard contact lens I had to wear to see even moderately well. You look like a joke, Wilson. A stupid, goggly-eyed, fat-headed joke! And your Channel 7 show was awful. But I suffer from keratoconus, I should have said. You are making fun of somebody who has mis-shaped corneas and has to wear glass in his eyes. Instead I said nothing. But I did kick the goal. And I did do a guttural celebratory shout right in the guys face, even though I agreed with him that the Channel 7 show was awful. And we won by five points. Leaving the ground, reserves goal umpire George Bearham assembled the players for a photo. And another! he beamed, tilting his head back and expanding his arms, the very definition of camera flair.

was hobbit-like in appearance; think Bilbo but with a white Panama hat and an authentic circa-1965 pressed white coat. The coat was never buttoned, thus allowing black pants, bulging business shirt and Pink Panther braces to be admired by all. Of the 200 photos taken of me during my football career, 195 were taken by George. Of these, maybe four or five have everyone in frame and in focus. Nevertheless, George had an eye for history, and nowadays Georges lovingly crafted Blacks yearbooks are revered documents, handed around past players as part of club lore. He worked with mixed media, blue biro on A4 page, photos stuck down with Clag. He had a page dedicated to honouring the injured that was entitled The Price of Victory. Everyone from the president to the canteen volunteers received a page. He logged nicknames, and in 2000 we had Moose, Gobbles, Claw, Scooter, Cacca, Reverend, Juicy and Tickets. His player profiles were filled with a commaless ebullience:
Rob Mackie is centre half back at the heart of the seniors indomitable defence where he plays

eorge always took two photos after every victory. His

wild enthusiasm for

the and another was infectious and became something of a catch-cry. He

round xx 353 Tony Wilson

with such a steel hard performance that the opposition ability to score is held to a minimum. When you observe Ned Wilsons play he laconically annihilates any opposition forward drive and returns play to our attack. Jon Ralph is a wonderful ruckman with the strength and solid build to withstand severe body crashes at the bounce and drive the Blacks into attack. Tony Wilson is our gymnastic full forward whose marking ability using amazing body contortions appears like an Olympic athlete flying without the use of a pole in the pole vault and never a safety cushion to land on.

He tolerated the seniors but loved the reserves. He offered commiserations to seconds players whod received a call-up and congratulations to senior players whod been demoted. Georges son Sandy had played reserves in the 80s and George outstayed him by two decades. He was a fixture between the sticks, signalling Blacks goals like a gospel choirmaster raising two arms to the heavens. Opposition goals were met with a disconsolate shrug and a brief twitching of forearms. He was also responsible for more hometown decisions than any goal umpire in history. Jim Trevaskis remembers a ball striking his boot and pinballing off four opposition shins before crossing the line and receiving the George Bearham straight-armed salute. Close enough is good enough, was his motto for a Blacks goal, a philosophy that worked in reverse when the teams changed ends. When opposition players complained, Georges sunny disposition flickered only for a moment, as hed tell the complainants in no uncertain terms to where they should take their grievances. After home-game duties, hed sit on the Queens College hill watching the seniors, eating home-packed sandwiches and sipping from his thermos. The sandwiches were always gone by quarter-time. His saddest day was when the VAFA introduced official goal umpires for reserves finals.

Gobbles Hannan booted ten, four words that are as preposterous and delightful today as they were twelve years ago. In Round 5 against Peninsula Old Boys, we won the game but lost Benny Cunningham to concussion and Herald Sun cadet Jon Ralph to an interchange gate error that would have been easily worth three paragraphs if he were covering it himself. In Round 6 against Kew, Moose marked

or both seniors and reserves,

George had many opportunities to and

another in the first half of 2000. In Round 2 against West Brunswick,

354 Footy Town

everything and Paddy OBeirne was great in tight. In Round 7, shaven-headed Cacca could have been mistaken for a lower-grade Andrew McLeod, or at the very least, a lower-grade Peter Filandia. In Round 8, we lost by two points to Thomastown and I missed so many shots that absolutely nobody came up to comfort me afterwards with Dont worry, it wasnt your fault. It was my fault. At the turn, we were on top of the ladder, seven and two. We lost Rounds 11 and 12, bullied into submission by West Brunswick (one point) and Parkside (forty-two points) respectively. Against West Brunswick, my Kareem Abdul Jabbar goggles fell to the turf in a marking contest and the opposing centre half-back calmly trod them into plastic-y oblivion. He deviated half a metre to make sure he nailed them. As the Perspex cracked, so too did I, descending into a mad, screaming, spitting, arm-swinging lunacy. Whenever I meet an old teammate, my career at the club essentially boils down to this moment. It was like Doull and Buhagiar, they say, referring to the famous headbandover-the-fence incident of 1983. I never replaced the goggles, but I have kept them, in case theres a spot for them on the coffin when my time comes. We won the next five. Nevs was the grunt, winning hard balls and tackling everything. Cunningham and Bowden racked up possessions. Moods was tight at full-back and Bowler yapped at opposition heels like something that ends in -oodle. On a back flank, we had a balding trainee teacher, Reverend Nihill, who had sure hands and an ability to recite Old Man Emu in the front bar of the Clyde. Skipper Pekes exuded quiet determination. In the forward pocket was Danny Gomer Files, black of tooth and crooked of fringe, but with that country footballer knack of whispering the ball his way, and executing difficult skills while looking like he might have a pot of beer in the other hand. I kicked bags of six, six, five and five, and they were just the behinds. But our most important player was Michael Laffy. Laff played twenty-six games for Richmond in the late 80s. At Punt Road he wore wild locks tied up in a headband, which made him an easy target for Tiger fans in a defence that leaked like a sieve. When he dropped back to Port Melbourne in the VFA/VFL he was a star an athletic, tactically astute, tap ruckman who was the pick for his position across the competition. He was also Kane Bowdens best mate at Port, tied to the

round xx 355 Tony Wilson

Bowden clan by virtue of being life partner to Sue Barton. Sue is an amazing woman who not only founded the Lighthouse homelessness project, but became Kanes mother-in-law. That connection meant that our coach set about ruining Laffs knees too, to the considerable betterment of the 2000 team. In true university style, we sharpened up for the finals with a Round 18 loss to the second bottom team.
One, two, three The Blackers boys are we Four, Five, Six Weve got em in a fix Seven, eight, nine Well beat em every time Therell be a hot time on the ole town tonight

its overeducated backside for VFL whippings between 1908 and 1914. This is the song that wasnt sung after the last fifty-one of those games, which University lost consecutively. I love this song. Be careful opposition! Well have you in a fix. Be careful ole town! Were out for a hot time. Usually our hot time was at the Clyde Hotel in Carlton. Wed generally know we were warm when every player born west of Colac would start peppering Coward of the County on the jukebox. Sometimes our hot time would be at the Pavvy (the clubs pavilion), with themed dress-up nights, cheap Tooheys, and strange ritualistic appearances by the Beaton brothers spinning around under a broom until they fell over. In 2000, we didnt sing One, Two, Three after the second semi-final against Yarra Valley. One reason for this was that the song was in a brief hibernation during my era, powers that be opting for a bastardisation of Its a Grand old Flag rather than a chorus that predicts one keg of beer between the four of us and some trouser high-jinks. The other reason was that Yarra handed our arses to us on a plate, 1914 style, to the tune of twenty-eight points. The preliminary final was out at the old VFA ground in Springvale Road, Mulgrave. We were playing Parkside, which, as any Amateur player will tell you,

he Melbourne University Football Club,

consisting of both Uni Blacks and

our rivals the Uni Blues, is the same University Football Club that presented

356 Footy Town

meant one of us was going off to hospital to get his jaw wired at some stage. That sounds melodramatic, but every season Parkside beat up on clubs, and every season there was a call for it to be thrown out of the VAFA. In 2002, this eventually occurred and Parkside joined the Diamond Valley league (now Northern Football League). The suburb of Alphington, where Parkside is based, has now been gentrified, and Im told that Parkside has a lovely little sausagesizzling junior club on the banks of the Yarra. This, to me, is as remarkable as Mike Tyson getting parts as a male comic lead. I remember the incident with a strange clarity, almost as if it happened in slow motion. The Parkside captain had the ball. He was running at me, preparing to handball over my head, and with Bowdos pre-game address still ringing in my ears we contest every ball that can possibly be contested I leapt to full extension to try to block the handball and win a turnover. The ball cleared my head but as I landed, I faced a different problem. The Parkside captain and I were on a collision course, both travelling at speed. Instinctively, I half-turned, crossing my arms in front of my chest, attempting to protect my torso. He kept coming, his smaller frame cannoning into mine, or, more specifically, his chin connecting with my retracted forearm, knocking him out cold. The umpire was five metres away and didnt award a free kick. It was not a dirty act, but their supporters were going crazy. I waited for a red and white avalanche. Thisll be interesting, I thought to myself. I hadnt thrown a punch since Santa gave me boxing gloves as a ten-year-old. My brother, Ned, then five, remembers the tko, and thinks it unsporting that I kept the right hand for myself. Now I was facing nineteen Parkside players, all with the ability to use their dominant fists. Their players never came. For whatever reason, and it mainly seemed to be shock, I was allowed to continue with my face intact. That said, their supporters came, they camped behind the goals and screamed their post-game plans.
Watch out in the carpark, Wilson Were going to do to you exactly what you did to him, Number Eighteen, you cowardly fuck!

But on the field, they werent performing. We led by five goals at quarter-time and won by more than ten. I kicked 4.6. With ten minutes left, the head of the VAFA suggested to the Blacks box that I be removed from the field for my own

round xx 357 Tony Wilson

safety. I remember being escorted to my car by club president, Simon Harry Costello, and feeling nervous but confident knowing that Harry had belted many centre half-forwards in the 70s and, earlier in the year as boundary umpire, had run through a Williamstown player while returning the ball to the centre. It was an uneventful walk, but it was only when I made the entry ramp onto the Monash Freeway that I allowed myself to celebrate. We were in the grand final.

mark. In the VAFA D2 decider in 2000, it was Sam Beaton pinging his fourth and embarking on a celebration that contained not one but two cartwheels. Beats had some claims to being best on ground that day, if Laffy hadnt had it twentyfive times and said goodbye to football with a near perfect game. And another! George Bearham roared into the victorious scrum. And another! we boomed. That day, he mightnt have even stopped at two photos. The reserves were premiers too. George was beside himself. We defeated Yarra Valley 18.13 (121) to 9.10 (64). It was my first premiership since the Balwyn Tigers took Kew Rovers 2.0 (12) to 1.3 (9) in a Hawthorn District Junior Football League lightning premiership at Glenferrie Oval in 1982. Our under-tens coach, Mick Leahy, had driven us to games in his dog-catching van. Whenever wed stopped at the lights, twenty-odd ten-year-olds had barked at the cars behind. Footy had been so much fun. I rediscovered the joy of footy at Uni Blacks. For the club, 2000 will not be remembered as a super talented team. In the years that preceded The Great Slide down the divisions in the 80s and 90s, the club won thirteen A-grade premierships, and produced Brownlow medallists and VFL stars. In the years since, the Blacks have clawed their way back to A-Grade, and won back-to-back flags in 2004-05. But the 2000 flag is remembered as the one that stopped the slide. As I always say to our better-credentialled fellow Blackers, You cant spell A-Grade without an E. And as they usually reply, But werent you in D2? You can spell A-Grade without a D2. No wonder the Parkside players hated us.

FL Grand Finals always have the moment

that you know is going to be played

and replayed. Heath Shaws smother, KB dancing around Magro, Jezzas