Social Project Script Peter Straubinger et al.

John: We interrupt this broadcast of “When Lawnmowers Attack” with breaking news.

Jack: It appears that [Pause, hold ear]...The U.S.S. Maine, anchored in Havana Harbor,
has been completely obliterated by an explosion of some sort!

John: This is tragic news indeed. Over 250 sailors are now lying dead because of
unknown treachery.

Jack: The prime suspect in this atrocity is our most foul enemy, the Spaniards.

John: Verily. We believe that the Spanish, in their wanton deceit and cruelty, have used a
mine to take the live of our brave, fellow Americans.

Jack: Those cowardly dogs! It would be just like the dirty Spaniards to murder our men
while they sleep, overstepping all bounds of human decency. The only way we Americans
can reciprocate is with immediate retaliation!

John: Retaliation that is long overdue. The Spanish-implanted governor of Cuba, General
Valeriano “The Butcher” Weyler, has subjugated the hapless Cuban people with devious,
barbaric methods. Over 200,000 Cubans have fallen prey to his vicious crimes.

Jack: Exactly! While the Spanish officials sit in pampered, comfortable lifestyles, the
Cuban people waste away in Reconcentration Camps, in conditions so terrible that death
is a mercy!

John: Why, those dirty Spanish scum, those tottering hedge-born ratsbanes, those
pribbling unwashed knaves, those-

Jack: [Holding ear, listening intently: Interrupts John] What’s this? We’ve just gotten a
message from our reporter in the field, Peter Straubinger.

John: Oh, that Peter. He’s so informative, he always gets his story. He’s very rugged and
handsome, too. And smart. Extremely smart.

Jack: Indeed he is! Let’s go to him now. Peter, what do you have for us?

[Cuts to Peter]

Peter: Well, friends, it seems that the United States is wasting no time in showing those
Spanish curs what’s what! Reports are flying in! Congress has…yes, they’ve declared
war on Cuba! We’re going to fight the cowards! More reports coming in…why, Assistant
Secretary of the Navy, Theodore Roosevelt, has just resigned from his position! He is
now heading his own volunteer cavalry regiment, the Rough Riders. Things are really
going to start heating up here!

Jack: Wow! Roosevelt going to war! Now that’s a real American right there.

John: Yes siree! I wish I could be right there with him, teaching those boot-licking,
mongrel Spaniards a thing or two!

Peter: Sorry to interrupt, but more news from Congress; an amendment to the war
declaration on Spain has just been adopted from Senator Henry Teller-it states that the
United States has no intention of taking over Cuba like the Spanish so savagely did! It
just goes to show you that America has always been a benevolent, strong, and virtuous
nation! Well, back to you, Jack.

Jack: Thanks, Peter. Well, I can’t agree more with-what in the…fellow Americans, you
won’t believe this! We have located a letter in Havana’s Post Office, from none other than
Spanish minister Enrique Dupuy de Lome. And wait until you hear what’s in it…

John: Well, out with it, man!

Jack: It states, and I quote, that "... McKinley is: weak and catering to the rabble, and,
besides, a low politician, who desires to leave a door open to me and to stand well with
the jingoes of his party." How dare they!

John: Those miserable, brain-dead, slimy Spanish! Why, I don’t even know what a jingo
is and I’m enraged!

Jack: Hah! So, our good President McKinley supported a peaceful solution to this
conflict, and the Spanish see fit to call him weak? We shall see who is weak when Cuban
freedom once again stands strong, with the support of the United States of America!

John: Ladies and gentlemen, that’s all the time we have now. Stay tuned at 11:00, when
we’ll be back to report what I’m sure will be numerous American triumphs. But for now,
goodnight, and God bless America.