On top of all that, reveals Mondragon, I was raised in a mostly white Bible belt fundamentalist Protestant churchso you

can imagine there was little talk of sex and sexuality. What I did hear terried me, sure I was going to hell if I couldnt make it go away.

THE INVISIBLE MEN

BY MARK ARIEL

NO FATS, FEMS, ASIANS OR BLACKS

After coming out, at age 23, says Mondragon, I quickly became very aware of being different in the greater, mostly white, gay community of West Los Angeles and West Hollywood. I saw some Latinos, very few African-Americans but almost no Asians in the major bars. I would go to the bars and feel very alone, undesired and could feel the unfortunate racism that other gay Asian men have described for many years now. Back then, in the personals (and still today online), I read no fats, fems, Asians, Blacks,deeply hurtfulnot only for the racist tone but for the homophobic rejecting aspect of it as well. At that time, reveals Mondragon, there were a couple bars where Asian men were welcomeone that catered to Asian men almost exclusively where I didnt feel comfortable because of my own internalized racism, and another that was essentially for white guys into Asian guys that carried a strong fetishistic feel to it and felt just as oppressive as the other bars. I saw that Latino men were much more desirable, but too often in an objectied way also, and, I wasnt being perceived as Latino. So once again, I was experiencing in my own community of gay brothers a deep sense of isolation, shame and of not belongingfeelings from my childhood deeply imbedded within me. In bars, Ive experienced that feeling of someone looking right through you, as if you were invisible. This can certainly be experienced by anyone, but there is a reality to the way gay Asian men have experienced this in the dominant gay community. Stereotypes of gay Asian men as passive, compliant, effeminate, and/or having small penises have reinforced a group as a whole to be either ignored or fetishized. All of us gay men are victims of the greater racist legacy of western civilization

intertwined with homophobia, states Mondragon. For Asian men, this includes a history of being painfully emasculated, seen as feminine, and turned into objects reected in the no Asians online prole descriptions, precluding the possibility of any sort of attraction, emotional, or intellectual connections between two gay individuals.

MASK THE PAIN

We live in a patriarchal heterosexist paradigm that has dominated western culture for thousands of years now, and one of the hallmarks of this paradigms homophobic assault on gay men is through equating gayness with femininitytherefore being inferior, weak, and unworthy (obviously tied to the paradigms attack on women as well), says Mondragon. Being called a sissy as a young boy and teenager was the most horric insult, for its message is you are not a real boy, a real man, a real person, a harmful shaming attack we all have felt as gay men in one way or another. In our efforts to reclaim a positive identity as gay, this has included an attempt to reclaim a positive identity as a gay man. The modern gay experience has allowed for a whole range of expressions from the drag queen to the uber masculine Tom of Finland leather man. What a change I felt when I started working out to nd that I could have a tone t muscular body that didnt match my inner belief of being weak, clumsy, uncoordinated after years of humiliation in my childhood in P.E. and on the playground, reveals Mondragon. However, while positive on one level, this focus on my body was also an attempt to mask the pain and hurt of being rejected as Asian and gay and therefore not masculine or acceptable enough as I was. The ideal hot guy, has become an image of the perfect muscle body, with six pack abs and a large penis, and usually white. An object. Not a real person, with real feelings, with insecurities and strengths beyond how much he can bench press at the gym. The sting and trauma of homophobia experienced in our youth and continually in the culture at large hasnt gone away inside us just because we have come out and can

have sex, even hot sex, with another man. This homophobia is a rejecting force that we have internalized and that operates in the psyches of all gay men in different ways... coming out is only the rst step in working with this traumatic reality. We use unconscious psychological defenses such as projection as a way to protect ourselves. The weak effeminate, undesirable Asian is a defensive projection allowing us to deny our own negative feelings and sense of inferiorityIm not the inferior one (denying that I feel this way about myself), they are.

PERSONAL DEMONS, MIGHTY DRAGONS

Being an alive and healthy gay man is an ongoing process of becoming whole by learning to be authentic and real with ourselves and others, states Mondragon. This drive for self-realization as gay calls on us to be self-reective, to look within at our inner world of feelings and to gain a personal understanding of the particular ways in which we were wounded in the development of a rightful vibrant and valued gay sensibility. In my own experience, through gay-centered therapy and inner work, Ive come to appreciate that unless I am willing to recognize an inner life as well as an outer life, I will continue to unconsciously act out unresolved feelings and experiences. We have to face our own personal demons and mighty dragons to get to the pot of gold called healthy gay selfhood that holds a radical myth of meaning, says Mondragon. Accessing the wisdom of taking personal responsibility for our own feelings when we look into the eyes of another gay man who may look different and acknowledge him as a brother on the journey of healing around gay love, allows us to see each other as mutually sensitive and evolving persons. I may not want to have sex with him, but I can make sure that Im not participating in maintaining the status quo of hurtful homophobia and racism. To do this as a gay man is an act of courage and real activism, on a transformational psychological and spiritual level. I Thomas Mondragon, a West Hollywoodbased psychotherapist and a professor at Antioch University Los Angeles LGBT Specialization in Clinical Psychology, provides his clients with LGBT afrmative counseling and expertise. He can be reached at: (310) 779-3113 or at thomasmondragontherapy.com.
A P R I L 2 01 3 | T HE FI G HT 3 5

ALL GAY MEN ARE VICTIMS OF THE GREATER RACIST LEGACY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION LMFT AGON, THOMAS MONDR INTERTWINED WITH HOMOPHOBIA. FOR ASIAN MEN, THIS INCLUDES A Y HISTORY OF BEING PAINFULL S MA THO . EMASCULATED MONDRAGON, LMFT, ON OVERCOMING STEREOTYPES IN THE LGBT COMMUNITY.
3 4 THE F IGH T | APR IL 2013

ccording to a study by the National Gay and Lesbian task Force Policy Institute, over 80% of Gay Asian/Asian Pacic Islander (API) men and women experience discrimination because of their sexual orientation, and likewise because of their racial/ethnic identity; the same percentage reported that Asian/API LGBT people experience racism in the predominantly white LGBT community. In that sense there is at least a triple threat of oppression that LGBT Asian/API individuals can experience with resulting understandable negative effects on self-esteem, functioning, and their ability to nd meaning in their identities as LGBT and Asian. As a gay Asian and Latino man, and as an LGBT afrmative Psychotherapist and instructor in Antioch Universitys LGBT Specialization in clinical psychology, West Hollywood based Thomas Mondragon has had a very unique perspective regarding the topic of racism within the LGBT community. Mondragon grew up in Albuquerque, New Mexico and came to Los Angeles after graduating high school to attend university. I grew up with a father who was native Hispanic New Mexican with a family history rooted in Northern New Mexico going back almost 300 years, and with a mother who was from Japan, who moved to the states upon marrying my father, reveals Mondragon. With two parents from very different cultures and languages in a predominantly white heterosexual U.S. culture, as a budding gay boy, I was very aware that I looked different, states Mondragon. While New Mexico had a large Hispanic population, at that time there were hardly any Asian people. I was usually seen as Asian and rarely as Latino. In addition to begin called a sissy, I was subjected to the common teasing and name-calling that many Asian kids hear growing upslant eyes, go back to Chinarooted in conceptions other kids were picking up from the stereotypes prevalent in the media and culture dating back to when Asian immigrants rst came to the U.S. in the 1800s.

RESOURCES & SUPPORT

Asian/Pacic Gays and Friends www.apgf.org Gay Asian Pacic Support Network (GAPSN) www.facebook.com/gapsn Asians and Pacic Islanders for LGBT Equality www.apiequalityla.org Asian Pacic AIDS Intervention Team (APAIT) www.apaitonline.org Long Yang Club Los Angeles losangeles.longyangclub.org Filipino LGBTQ Community www.barangayla.org