ROAR

MAY 2013
FIRST EDITION By Karinah Guzman
Ever since the local newspaper wrote about my case going to trial in 2010, I have received countless messages and letters from survivors and supporters alike. They come bearing well wishes, encouraging words, and they also come for help. I am writing this article with the hope that my words can help survivors start to heal, confront their past, and seek justice for the wounded child within. But most importantly, I hope my advice can change the way survivors view themselves, not as victims, but as warriors who have gone through something quite profound. This article will be about facing the child within. I chose this as my rst article topic because a person cannot heal until they face what they have been running from. From rst

SURVIVORS OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE SPEAK OUT

FROM A SURVIVORS POINT OF VIEW

hand experience, I can attest to the great lengths I went to in order to escape my childhood self. I lost myself in drinking, experimenting with drugs, and partying with anyone and everyone. I wanted to escape my past and all that it encompassed. What I found was that I began to hate myself. I could never nd happiness in a bottle or a pill or a party. And it took me years to face up to it and accept that I needed to forgive myself. For my silence. For my fear. For my self blame. It all needed to start with me. So readers, after 12 years of keeping silent, I nally came out about my abuse and ROARED.

Karinah Guzman Survivor and Advocate Vertigo Charitable Foundation, LLC.

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My Story

MY STORY

! I guess you could say I was groomed to be a liar from the start. I was a smart kid who learned quickly. I liked hanging out with adults, because their conversations seemed much more stimulating than the inane bickering that pervaded the childrens table. I was such an easy target. Having grown up without a father, I craved a father gures attention and welcomed it when it came in the form of an uncle through marriage. He seemed fun and was always buying my older cousin (his new stepson) cool new things. But my new uncles attentions soon turned strange. It began with lingering hugs and his hands grazing against my nonexistent chest when I would pull away. Then came the grabbing and patting of my butt. And it wasnt long before he would have me lay down beside him on the living room couch and put a sleeping bag over us. There he would position my hand over his underwear where I could feel a hard bulge. I hated those nights. Even as my aunt walked past us, completely oblivious, I knew it would be useless to ask for her help. I was helpless. Those were the nights I prayed my aunt wouldnt retreated to the master bedroom. Then wed be alone. Youre probably wondering why I continued to go to my aunt and uncles house knowing what was in store for me. But the truth is, I loved my aunt. I loved her so much I was willing to subject myself to the sick whims of my uncle. I walked into that house knowing I would be molested, just for a few hours of hanging out

with my aunt. Her love and attention seemed worth subjecting myself to a pedophile for a night. The time my uncle came into the shower with me was the rst time I felt genuinely scared for my life. I was in the master bathroom, and was excited because their shower was so much bigger than the one in the guest bathroom. I was just washing my hair when the shower door opened. I jumped and turned around, and saw my uncle standing there naked. His penis was erect and as he stepped into the shower I took a step back until I was pressed against the shower wall. ! He told me to touch it. I stared down at his penis, shaking my head no. He told me to do it just once. To me, just once sounded better than having him still stand there. So I took a tiny step forward, held out a hand and touched the tip of his penis with a single nger. As soon as my nger made contact, I quickly retreated my hand and my uncle left the bathroom. ! I remember just staring at the shower oor, the water dripping down my face. I was too shocked to even cry. And I felt numb, like I wasnt in my body anymore. I didnt realize it at the time, but that was the start of my experience with dissociating myself from these sexual experiences. I was nine years old. ! After that, I dreaded going over. I was terried of what would come next. So I tried to stay away, but my aunt kept inviting me over, and eventually I began to miss her. Begrudgingly, I continued to go over and spend the night.

Childhood
For me, childhood was something to escape. If only I was bigger, if only I was older, I believed my abuse would stop. What I didnt know was that my childhood was not supposed to be something to dread. I had become so accustomed to the fear in the pit of my stomach, I forgot what it was to be a carefree child.

My Uncle and My Abuser

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Nurturing the Child Within

For the longest time, Ive ignored the child within me. It hurt me too much to hear her cries, to feel her fear, and to voice her screams. I didnt know how to face her after all the years I kept running from it all. I was too ashamed of how I had neglected her and I didnt know how to make amends with myself for it. It took an emotional breakdown for me to nally admit that deep within me was a hurt child. So one day, I sat down and wrote a letter to my 8 year old self. Here is my letter: My dearest Karinah, I am so proud of your courage and strength. It hurts me that you do not realize what an incredible human being you are. I had no idea that one so small, could embody such informidable will and faith. Yes, you are hurting but I want you to know that you are not alone and that it is okay to tell. Your aunts marriage is not your responsibility. I know you think that by keeping silent you are helping her, but in reality, that is not for you to be concerned about. She is an adult, and her husband is sexually abusing you. It is okay to tell. I know you think the family fall apart and that you are scared to face the unknown. But

dont be scared. You have a strong mother who will do anything to protect you. I know that now. Your mother is much more stronger than you give her credit for. She is a Mama Bear and she will ght for your safety no matter who the opponents may be. I know you fear for your younger sisters safety, but she can only be safe if you raise your voice and tell somebody what your uncle is doing to you. I promise you, you are not alone in this ght. My darling Karinah, I love you very much. And Im sorry for being afraid to face you. I was the coward, not you. You have always shown an insane amount of courage, and when I locked you away, I locked away my courage as well. You are a precious gift, and I will forever take care of you from now on. All my love, Older, Wiser, Stronger Karinah Today, I invite survivors to write their own letter to the child within and acknowledge them for their bravery and courage, and forgive yourself. You were a child. It was not your fault what happened to you. Understand that, because that is the rst step to healing.

MY REASONS

My Siblings
For years I fought hard to make sure the abuse did not continue onto my younger sister. Years later, my siblings still give me the motivation and courage I need to fight the same fight for other survivors. Who are you fighting for?

If not for yourself, do it for someone else.

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RESOURCES
To aid you on your path to healing and recovery
So where do you go from here? Check out these helpful resources to start you on your own path of healing.

Online
http://www.americanhumane.org http://www.traumahealing.com http://www.pandys.org

Help is out there.

Books
The Courage to Heal The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Films
The Pursuit of Truth Film

Call to Action
If you are a survivor or a supporter of a survivor of CSA and would like to contribute your voice to the ROAR newsletter, please feel free to contact me via e-mail. Everyone deserves a chance to be heard.

What We Need:
Courageous survivors who are willing to write about their experiences Experts in the eld of Child Sexual Abuse who are willing to share tips and strategies for healing and recovery Legal Advocates willing to inform the population about statutes of limitations and how to amend them.

ROAR NEWSLETTER
KARINAHGUZMAN@YAHOO.COM

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