HOLY SUICIDE

By publisher

The Lord has been good to me my whole life, but I can truthfully say He’s been very
good to me in the first quarter of 2008. This is the testimony to that fact. Starting to read
the book of Romans made me see that I was a living contradiction. I was able to agree
with biblical truths but I noticed that somehow those truths were not true in my life. And I
started to be bothered by it.

Knowing that God’s Word is true and not exaggerating the truth, I had to conclude that
the problem was with me. Then desperately seeking to find the thing that kept me from
harmonizing the written truth with my life I poured out my heart at our house group
meeting of 26 February last. We prayed and as Dani’s car was driving away to take some
group members home, I believe the Lord was already answering me. I had downloaded
some articles from the internet already that I hadn’t been able to read yet, written by
Charles Finney concerning renewed obedience to God; concerning Revival.
And as I started to read his reference to Hosea 10:12, I read that chapter of the bible and
something inside me told me to keep reading what Finney was explaining there about the
fallow ground of our hearts.

I had started praying for the state of my heart and my status in front of God, and wanted
Him to show me any failures that I still hidden somewhere and never asked forgiveness
for. Forgotten by me but therefore the very stumbling blocks for me to be able to stand
justified before Him. As Charles Finney pointed out it was very important to not only ask
forgiveness from God, but also to the people that were hurt directly or indirectly because
of my sin. I grew convinced that I should ask forgiveness to people personally.
After doing this, already so much more room to breathe had been created inside of me. I
felt so much lighter and happier. But still I missed that thing that would keep me from
returning to the sin that I had confessed and made in order with the Lord.
I started praying to God to show me what the essence of my problem was.

When the bible study of chapter 5 of Romans started I was captivated by that first verse
that said that now that we are justified through faith we have peace with God through
Jesus Christ. Especially since the bible teacher had explained that we should remain in
this state of justification by confessing our sin as soon as possible.

I had always thought I should not do any effort of my own for then it’s something from
the flesh. And it’s true when it comes to repenting from my sins and then making
promises to God again about how I want to do it differently next time. God knows I
WANT to do it differently next time, but He knows much more than I that I CAN’T do
differently next time. (Romans 7:18-25.)

Then Romans 8:1 – there is no condemnation for he who is in Christ Jesus and doesn’t
walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Well I knew that as soon as I am right with God I am hidden in Christ Jesus.
But how do I walk according to the Spirit, while hidden in Christ?
Romans 8:7 – the mind of the flesh is hostile to God for it does not SUBMIT itself to
God’s law; indeed it CAN NOT.
Romans 8:13-14 – But if through the power of the Spirit you are habitually putting to
death the evil deeds prompted by the body, you shall genuinely live forever.

By now it became clear to me that there is a time in each person’s life that God is waiting
for them to do this one effort of their own. The only effort that needs to come from me is
what God will not do for me. Which after repenting and believing is dying to myself.
Romans 6:14-16 – For sin shall no longer have dominion over you, since now you are not
under the law (as slaves), but under grace (as people submitted to God’s favour and
mercy) what then shall we conclude? Shall we sin because we live not under law but
under grace? Certainly not!
And here came the click for me in verse 16: Do you not know that if you continually
surrender yourselves to anyone to do his will you are the slaves of him whom you obey,
whether that be to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience which leads to
righteousness?
And now it became clear to me that even though freed from sin I am not free to do what I
want. For I can not do what I want because there is only two masters in this universe, and
I have been born in the flesh a slave to one, and granted the possibility to become the
slave of Christ since he has paid the most precious price for me on Golgotha.
A slave can certainly not buy him/herself free from slavery for a slave does not have any
financial or other means. Only another buyer can possibly buy a slave of another slave
master if offering the right price. And if that buyer, like Christ, paid that price for me, but
STILL leaves me to choose whether I want to remain a slave to my old master or serve
Him as master, THAT is the only choice I really ever only will have. But I can never live
as if I am freed of one master and able to disobey the other or live like I don’t owe Him
anything for what He paid for me. The only recognition good enough for Him is
admitting I owe my life to Him. My mistake for continuously falling back to my sins and
weaknesses was because, even though I knew I needed Christ to deliver me from sin, I
had not recognized that I owe Him my life. And what Christ wanted from me was to
accept I had no life of my own anymore.

And now we get to the definition of what I want to call “holy Suicide”. I should consider
myself dead except for the fact that I am physically still there. Once I do this, He will
then fill it up and use that body for His purposes and glory. And when before He was the
master over this body by right, He now becomes master over this body by fact. And not
only the physical body but everything that goes with it. Both mind, reactions, and
feelings. I left the old master and went to serve the new one. It’s true that daily I need to
submit myself to Christ and daily I need to take up this cross, but it does not seem
impossible to me anymore. It’s not just a nice concept or standard that can not be met.
You know, some kind of idealistic talk of Paul that is more poetical than realistical. This
is the law of the Spirit and that’s why Jesus left me His Spirit. So that I am able to repent,
to believe, and able to die to myself and be a useful servant to Him as my Master.
Gal 2:20 - “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in
me; and the life I now live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, Who loved me
and gave Himself up for me.”

John 12:24 – “Unless the grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just one
grain. It never becomes more, but lives by itself alone. But if it dies, it produces many
others and yields a rich harvest.

Matt 10:39 - Whoever finds his life (maintaining a part of your own self), will loose it
(the life of Christ in you).
And whoever loses his life (giving up to every part of your own self) on My account, will
find it (the life of Christ in you).

Our Father, who art in heaven

Hallowed be Thy Name
Thy will be done
In ME as it is in Heaven….

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