Coach Employees To Solve Their Own Conflicts with Co-Workers By Kelly Mollica If your employees routinely come to you

with complaints about each otherand you think its your job to resolve their conflictsit may be time to push back. When you tell them to quit bellyaching and deal with interpersonal conflicts on their own before they come to you, you have more time to focus on your workand you help them develop the ability to handle workplace conflicts. Managers who dont push back falsely assume that problem solving calls for a top-down approach or intervention. It doesnt. You can assert your authority by refusing to let them unload their conflicts on you. Additionally, if you confront one employee with anothers complaints, youll be seen as taking sides, and if you take sides often enough, youll be perceived as biased in favor of certain employees, which undermines your authority. And even more important, by pushing back, you help them improve their own problemsolving skills, instead of encouraging their dependence on you. Theres no question that coaching employees to solve their own problems will initially take more time and energy than handling the conflict yourself. But in the long term, youll create a work environment where conflict management is seen as everyones obligation, not just your problem. Here are eight tips to get you started. 1. Dont put your employees urgent issues at the top of your priority list. Many managers spend too much time dealing with issues that are urgent but not important, says Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Free Press, 1990). Covey defines urgent as something needing immediate attention, while importance is the extent to which an issue affects results, such as contributing to a companys mission or goals. If youve routinely allowed yourself to get drawn into employee problems, changing your ways might take some work, and you might meet with resistance from employees accustomed to dropping their urgent problems in your lap. 2. Train employees in conflict-resolution skills. Start with self-assessments so employees can understand their own conflict-management styles and the pros and cons of using a particular style. 3. Communicate clear expectations. At Delta Faucet in Jackson, Tenn., employees are trained in conflict management and required to follow a specific course of action when conflicts arise among team members. Its understood that team leaders should not be involved in refereeing petty disagreements on the team because it takes time away from their more important tasks. 4. Set specific guidelines. At Delta Faucet, if an employees behavior is creating a problem within a team, the team is expected to work it out without involving the team leader. Two team members meet with the problem team member and work toward a resolution. If this is unsuccessful, the whole team meets and confronts the issue. If necessary, the team leader can be brought in to make a decision. 5. Create a culture that values conflict management. Managing conflict should be viewed as a core job competency for all employees. Behavioral questions can help assess prior experience in dealing with conflict during job interviews. For example, ask a job candidate to describe a time you had a conflict with a co-worker. What happened to bring about the conflict, and what did you do to resolve it? Observable and measurable criteria, based on guidelines or protocols for resolving conflict, can be incorporated into job descriptions and performance reviews as well. For example, performance criteria

should require that employees confront interpersonal conflict in a constructive and timely manner using the companys three-step approach and involve the supervisor only when necessary. And dont forget to recognize and praise employees who successfully resolve conflicts on their own. 6. Remind employees to focus on behaviors, not personalities. Many employees understandably will be hesitant to confront their co-workers, especially those with whom they interact frequently. Remind employees to focus on the other persons behavior and the consequences of that behaviornot on personalities or subjective judgments. 7. Have an open-door policyand stick to it. Let employees know that youre still available to coach them on how to work through specific situations. One way to do this is to schedule follow-up meetings regarding specific problems. Employees also need to know that if they try and fail to resolve a conflict, youre available for follow-up guidance. But be firm in letting employees know that an open door does not mean the same thing as an open dumping ground. 8. Know where to draw the line. Expecting employees to handle every problem on their own, regardless of how serious the problem may be, could send the message that management is willing to turn a blind eye to inappropriate or potentially illegal behaviors. Clearly communicate that management must always be notified and involved in certain types of conflicts, especially where there are indications of physical violence, harassment, theft, or illegal substance use or possession. Nonmanagerial employees should never be expected to confront violations of the law or to enforce company policy without managements knowledge. None of these tips will lead to a workplace totally devoid of conflict. Thats both impossible and undesirable because conflict is a natural occurrence in any work environment in which employees who have varying priorities, ideas and behaviors work together toward a common goal. Instead, by gently pushing back, youll enable your employees to learn valuable workplace skills while you reclaim and protect your own time. Kelly Mollica, Ph.D., SPHR, is a leadership development specialist with The Centre Group, a human asset management firm in Memphis, Tenn. She is also an associate professor of business at Bethel College. Terms of Use: Copyright 2005 Society for Human Resource Management. Members of SHRM are authorized to distribute copies, excerpts or e-mails of this information for educational purposes internally within their organizations. No other republication or external use is allowed without permission of SHRM. The information is not intended to serve as a substitute for legal advice.
Here are 4 Steps to Agreeably Disagree: 1. Listen avoid cutting people off. Never tell them they are wrong hear them out. 2. Acknowledge the other persons idea/opinion/point of view by saying something like: I hear what you are saying You have some points that make sense

I have not thought about it that way That is an interesting perspective I can see why you see it that way I understand why you say that I hear where you are coming from Be aware of your body language. Your words need to be congruent with your actions. If you roll your eyes while acknowledging, they will not believe that you are earnest. 3. Pause briefly. Use silence effectively. Do not start out with but, however, nevertheless. These negative filler words will negate the fact that you are trying to hear them out. They often put people on the defensive and break down the communication. 4. State your idea/opinion/point of view by starting out with something like: In my experience, I My understanding is different. I Have you considered What about The literature/evidence says Because of , I think The data I collected shows Be sure to include evidence, facts, examples, personal experience, or data to substantiate your viewpoint. By using the Agreeably Disagree technique, you preserve and strengthen the relationship by showing the other person that you heard them and respect them even when you disagree. For more resources, see the Library topic Personal and Professional Coaching. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pam Solberg-Tapper MHSA, PCC I spark entrepreneurial business leaders to set strategy, take action, and get results. How can I help you? Contact me at CoachPam@cpinternet.com ~ Linkedin ~ 218-3403330

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Clarifying Confusion About Conflict

Copyright Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD Conflict occurs with two or more people who, despite their first attempts at agreement, do not yet have agreement on a course of action, usually because their values, perspectives and opinions are contradictory in nature. Conflict can occur: 1. Within yourself when you are not living according to your values. 2. When your values and perspectives are threatened. 3. When there is discomfort from fear of the unknown or from lack of fulfillment.

Conflict is inevitable and often necessary when forming high-performing teams because they evolve through form, storm, norm and perform periods. Getting the most out of diversity often means addressing contradictory values, perspectives and opinions. Conflict is often needed. It: Helps to raise and address problems. Energizes work to be focused on the most important priorities. Helps people be real and motivates them to fully participate. Helps people learn how to recognize and benefit from their differences.

Conflict is not the same as discomfort. The conflict is not the problem poor management of the conflict is the problem. Conflict is a problem when it: Hampers productivity. Lowers morale. Causes more and continued conflicts. Causes inappropriate behaviors.

Types of Managerial Actions That Cause Workplace Conflicts

Copyright Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD

1. Poor communications
Employees experience continual surprises, for example, they are not informed of major decisions that affect their workplaces and lives. Employees do not understand the reasons for the decisions they are not involved in the decisionmaking. As a result, they trust the rumor mill more than their management.

2. The alignment or the amount of resources is insufficient. There is:

Disagreement about who does what. Stress from working with inadequate resources.

3.Personal chemistry, including conflicting values or actions, for example:

Strong interpersonal natures among workers do not seem to match. We do not like others because they seem too much like ourselves (we often do not like in others what we do not like in ourselves).

4. Leadership problems
For example, inconsistent, missing, too-strong or uninformed leadership (at any level in the organization), evidenced by: Avoiding conflict, passing the buck with little follow-through on decisions. Employees see the same continued issues in the workplace. Supervisors do not understand the jobs of their subordinates.

Key Managerial Actions / Structures to Minimize Conflicts

Copyright Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD

1. Regularly review job descriptions. Get your employees input to them. Ensure:
Job roles do not conflict. No tasks fall in a crack.

2. Intentionally build relationships with all subordinates.

Meet at least once a month alone with them in office. Ask about accomplishments, challenges and issues.

3. Get regular, written status reports that describe:

Accomplishments. Currents issues and needs from management. Plans for the upcoming period.

4. Conduct basic training about:

Interpersonal communications. Conflict management. Delegation.

5. Develop procedures for routine tasks and include the employees input.
Have employees write procedures when possible and appropriate. Get employees review of the procedures. Distribute the procedures. Train employees about the procedures.

6. Regularly hold management meetings with all employees.

For example, every month, communicate new initiatives and status of current products or services.

7. Consider an anonymous suggestion box in which employees can provide suggestions.

This can be powerful means to collect honest feedback, especially in very conflicted workplaces.

Ways People Deal With Conflict

Copyright Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD There is no one best way to deal with conflict. It depends on the current situation. Here are the major ways that people use to deal with conflict:

1. You can avoid it.

Pretend it is not there or ignore it. Use this approach only when it simply is not worth the effort to argue. Be aware that this approach tends to worsen the conflict over time.

2. You can accommodate it.

You can give in to others, sometimes to the extent that you compromise yourself. Use this approach very sparingly and infrequently, for example, in situations when you know that you will have another more useful approach in the very near future. Usually this approach tends to worsen the conflict over time, and causes conflicts within yourself.

3. You can compete with the others.

You can work to get your way, rather than clarifying and addressing the issue. Competitors love accommodators. Use this approach when you have a very strong conviction about your position.

4. Compromising.
You can engage in mutual give-and-take. This approach is used when the goal is to get past the issue and move on together.

5. Collaborating.
You can focus on working together. Use this approach when the goal is to meet as many current needs as possible by using mutual resources. This approach sometimes raises new mutual needs. Collaboration can also be used when the goal is to cultivate ownership and commitment.

To Manage a Conflict with Another Person

Copyright Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD

1. Know what you do not like about yourself, early on in your career.
We often do not like in others what we do not want to see in ourselves. Write down 5 traits that really bug you when see them in others. Be aware that these traits are your hot buttons.

2. Manage yourself. If you and/or another person are getting upset, then manage yourself to stay calm:
Speak to the person as if the other person is not upset this can be very effective! Avoid use of the word you this avoids your appearing to be blaming the person. Nod your head to assure the person that you heard him/her. Maintain eye contact with the person.

3. Move the discussion to a private area, if possible.

Many times, moving to a new environment invites both of you to see or feel differently.

4. Give the other person time to vent.

Do not interrupt the person or judge what he/she is saying.

5. Verify that you are accurately hearing each other. When the other person is done speaking:
Ask the person to let you rephrase (uninterrupted) what you are hearing to ensure you are hearing it correctly. To understand the person more, ask open-ended questions (avoid why questions those questions often make people feel defensive).

6. Repeat the above step, for the other to verify that he/she is hearing you. Describe your perspective:
Use I, not you. Talk in terms of the present as much as possible. Quickly mention your feelings.

7. Acknowledge where you disagree and where you agree.

One of the most powerful means to resolve conflict is to mention where you both agree.

8. Discuss the matter on which you disagree, not the nature of the other person.
Ask What can we do fix the problem? The person might begin to complain again. Then ask the same question. Focus on actions you both can do. Ask the other person if they will support the action(s). If the person will not, then ask for a cooling off period.

9. Thank the person for working with you.

It takes patience for a person to engage in meaningful conversation during conflict. Acknowledge and thank the other person for his/her effort.

10. If the situation remains a conflict, then:

Conclude if the other persons behavior violates one of the personnel policies and procedures in the workplace and if it does, then follow the policys terms for addressing that violation. Otherwise, consider whether to agree to disagree. Consider seeking a third party to mediate.

Instructions
1 Decide whether you want to confront the person who is bothering you. It is usually better to air grievances in the open than to let them fester. 2 Speak to the other person calmly, politely and rationally. Focus on the situation and facts, avoiding gossip and personal attacks.

Be careful not to express hostility in your posture, facial expression or tone. Be assertive without being aggressive. 4 Listen to the other person carefully: What is she trying to say? Be sure you understand her position. 5 Express interest in what the other person is saying. You can acknowledge her ideas without necessarily agreeing or submitting. Saying, "I understand that you feel this way. Here's how I feel..." acknowledges both positions. 6 Communicate clearly what you want, offering positive suggestions and recommendations. Be willing to be flexible. 7 Speak to your supervisor if a problem with a difficult co-worker seriously threatens your work, but avoid whining.

Tips & Warnings

Deal with problematic personalities by trying to understand what motivates their behavior, then tailoring your actions to work with that personality type. Once you grasp why people behave as they do, you will be able to interact with them more effectively.

How to Solve Interpersonal Conflict

By Joel Le Blanc, eHow Contributor Print this article

If you are currently experiencing conflict with another person, there are a variety of methods to resolve conflict in ways that benefit everyone. According to Richard Bolstad, trainer and author of "Transforming Communication," more than 90 percent of the people who sign up for his classes do so in order to resolve conflict. Listening to people, being assertive and problem-solving with others help to smooth over disputes and foster more satisfying personal relationships long term.

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How to Manage Interpersonal Conflict

How Do I Identify Interpersonal Conflict?

Instructions
1 Listen reflectively. Reflective listening helps to open up dialogue, improve rapport between people and hasten the resolving of conflict. When you use reflective listening, you can still have a conversation and allow the other person to feel heard and respected, while not necessarily having to agree with everything that they say or believe. To listen reflectively to someone, simply paraphrase what someone tells you. Searching for the deeper meaning of what the person has told you and feeding it back to them is very helpful. For example, John says, "You're not listening." And you reply, "So you want to feel more heard." 2 Talk assertively to others. When you're assertive with work colleagues, friends or with family, it avoids aggression, tension, passive or passive-aggressive behavior and feelings of resentment. Assertive behavior states that you value yourself and your own well-being and also view the well-being of others as equally important. Always use "I" statements.

For example, instead of saying "You don't clean up your dishes," you could say, "I feel very stressed when the dishes aren't cleaned."

3 Generate possible solutions that aim for win-win outcomes. Compromise often results in each party sacrificing part of their goal for a resolution that is not entirely satisfying to anyone. According to Dr. Thomas Gordon, author of "Teacher Effectiveness Training," adapting a no-lose method of resolving conflicts resulted in a 90 percent decrease in discipline problems in schools and classrooms. 4 Practice rapport building with the other person to establish a relationship with them in future. Continue to listen reflectively whenever they approach you with a grievance; when conflict is resolved, focus on shared values, views and interests. Building rapport will help to avoid future conflicts and nurture a feeling of connection, trust and friendliness between people.

Tips & Warnings

Adopting another person's stance or body language while resolving conflict can help to establish better rapport and make others feel more relaxed. Avoid using too many "I" statements at once, as it may cause the other person to feel defensive. Instead, combine a back-and-forth use of reflective listening and "I" statements to keep them feeling safe and in rapport. If the other person is angry or loses their temper, step away from the conversation and resume it at another point when everyone is feeling calm and resourceful.

How to Deal Effectively With Conflict in the Workplace

by Heather Topham Wood, Demand Media

Work with employees to find a resolution to problems.

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Conflict in the workplace can be disastrous for a small-business owner. It can lead to time wasted, power struggles, decreased efficiency and unhappy employees. Conflicts that can occur in the workplace include employee grievances, problems between coworkers, bullying, sexual harassment and managerial complaints. To prevent workplace conflict, communicate on a regular basis with your employees about policy changes and any concerns they may have.

Step 1
Speak to the parties involved in a private setting. Set up a meeting during a quiet time of your day where you have the ability to hold all calls and turn off your cell phone.

Step 2
Allow the parties involved to speak uninterrupted. Sometimes conflict can be resolved by just allowing the person to vent. After each person has finished speaking, repeat what she has said back and ask any clarifying questions.

Step 3
Focus on specifics of the conflict and avoid generalizing problems. For instance, if the meeting was called due to an employee not respecting his manager, cite specific incidences of his insubordination.

Step 4
Use "I" and "we" to discuss the problems. Make sure the employee feels she is not being targeted by using many "you" statements.

Step 5
Develop a plan to work out the conflict as a team. If you are dealing with multiple issues, focus on the most pressing problem. For instance, in the case that the conflict stems from two employees not getting along, present the option of moving them to different departments. Once all parties agree, follow through with the plan.

Step 6
Move the conflict to an arbitration session with a human resources official if it's not resolved during your initial meeting. Give all parties copies of company policies and point out any violations of these policies. A human resources representative should be present if you decide to take any negative action against the employees, such as suspension or termination.

How to Resolve Conflicts at Work

By an eHow Contributor Print this article

Friction in the workplace can be stressful and counterproductive for everyone involved. Learn to approach the person with whom you are struggling and resolve the situation. Follow these few steps to alleviate awkwardness in the workplace.

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Five Types of Conflict

How to Manage Conflict Through Communication

Instructions
1 Decide whether you want to confront the person who is bothering you. It is usually better to air grievances in the open than to let them fester. 2 Speak to the other person calmly, politely and rationally. Focus on the situation and facts, avoiding gossip and personal attacks.

 3 Be careful not to express hostility in your posture, facial expression or tone. Be assertive without being aggressive. 4 Listen to the other person carefully: What is she trying to say? Be sure you understand her position. 5 Express interest in what the other person is saying. You can acknowledge her ideas without necessarily agreeing or submitting. Saying, "I understand that you feel this way. Here's how I feel..." acknowledges both positions. 6 Communicate clearly what you want, offering positive suggestions and recommendations. Be willing to be flexible. 7 Speak to your supervisor if a problem with a difficult co-worker seriously threatens your work, but avoid whining.

Tips & Warnings

Deal with problematic personalities by trying to understand what motivates their behavior, then tailoring your actions to work with that personality type. Once you grasp why people behave as they do, you will be able to interact with them more effectively. For example, be firm with bullies at work ' don't allow them to pressure you into doing anything unwanted. Be forceful in your opinions, but act with a bit of caution. Around complainers, avoid acting too sympathetic if you feel their complaints are ill-founded; instead, ask what sorts of actions they plan to take to change the situation. Squarely ask them what they want.

Lee Jay Berman This article was first published in Brilliant Results magazine in its Nov/Dec 2004 issue. July 2008 Conflict happens. It is inevitable. It is going to happen whenever you have people with different expectations. This makes conflict management critical, whether avoiding arguments, disputes, lasting conflict or ultimately, litigation. Conflict can be avoided if steps are taken early in a discussion to diffuse anger and facilitate communication, and it can be resolved by applying a series of thoughtfully applied

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steps. As a full-time mediator and trainer in the fields of negotiation and conflict resolution, I see conflict in its final stages - full blown litigation or on the verge of it in pre-litigation mode. What I have learned in seeing these disputes for 10 years is that most of them could have been resolved in the earliest stages if the people involved applied some of the skills that mediators use to resolve conflict. And wouldn't it be great if companies could resolve these disputes before each side spent hundreds of thousands in litigation costs, before the employee was terminated or before the customer or working relationship was gone forever? Here are some tools for avoiding and resolving disputes in the early stages, before they become full-blown conflicts: 1. Stay Calm. Thomas Jefferson said, "Nothing gives one so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances." The thing that leads to conflict is escalation. What starts people escalating is their anger. Most of us stop listening to understand as we get angry. Instead, we start listening in order to argue back. Remaining calm is essential for performing these tools. To remain calm, it helps to look at the big picture. If you think about it, most every dispute gets resolved eventually. So when conflict inevitably happens, it is helpful to stop and think that, chances are, it is going to be resolved eventually. As such, why not begin problem solving now? Finally, it is a fact that in our busy lives with rush hour traffic, cell phones, PDAs, overfilled e-mail boxes, too many clients and not enough support, that we are all a little more stressed than we would like to be. When a conflict arises, one of the most beneficial things you can do is to ask yourself, "What might I be bringing to the dispute?" We can usually look at another person and figure that maybe he/she had a conflict at home or that he/she has been under tremendous pressure. However, we are not usually self-aware enough to ask ourselves what we might have going on. It is important in avoiding later embarrassment by checking in with our own personal boiling point before responding. 2. Listen to Understand. Now, picture a dispute in which you were recently involved. Maybe it was this morning leaving the house, with a co-worker or client or even with a family member. As you replay that experience, ask yourself how much listening was going on. My bet is that any listening was only being done to formulate an argument back to prove your point. When most of us get into a dispute, the first thing we do is stop listening. The only way to settle a dispute or solve any kind of a problem is to listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Perhaps they will surprise you with reason, or their point is actually true. In the mediations that I do, I often learn what people's underlying interests are by letting them go on and on telling their perspective of an issue until they give me the one thing that is standing in the way of them resolving it. They may start out by degrading the product and personalizing it by saying those of us who delivered it are all incompetent, but I find that this is little more than their anger speaking. What they really want is their product fixed, not to insult us personally. Psychologists tell us that anger is a secondary emotion and that it is usually triggered as a defense mechanism to cover up hurt or fear. When someone is angry, there is usually some hurt or fear that he/she is embarrassed about, or perhaps even unaware of because the anger is so all consuming. In order to diffuse people's anger, you must listen to them. Hear them out. Let them go until they have run out of gas. Let them vent as long as they can until they begin to calm down. You then will see a person start to slow down some, and begin to feel safe enough to finally tell you that what frustrated him or her so much was that the salesperson never returned any phone calls, and/or the customer service person kept trying to place blame elsewhere, rather than taking responsibility and apologizing for the product being unacceptable. The best thing you can do to get people to the point where they are willing to show some vulnerability and trust you with some of the real reasons why they are upset is to engage in "Active Listening." Active listening means giving them active physical and verbal signs that you are with them and understand what they are saying. Simple things like nodding and saying, "Uh huh" or "OK, go on" can make the speaker feel as if his/her story is welcomed by you and that you want to continue. On the phone, people hear dead silence and cannot read your reaction to their complaints and thoughts. Given that we all sometimes fear the worst, people tend to shut down and stop feeling it is safe to continue telling their story. My friend and colleague Jim Melamed, a divorce mediator and trainer based in Eugene, Ore., said: "You cannot effectively move toward conflict resolution until each participant experiences him/herself to be fully

heard with regard to their perspective - what they want and why." That means, if someone says that the product he/she bought from you is unacceptable, and they are interrupted and asked what would be acceptable before they have finished telling all about the problem, that person gets the message that all you want to do is fix the problem. The impression is that you do not care about them or the problem you had with your product, and that can feel a little like being swept under the carpet. A good customer service person in a situation like this would let the client finish before asking if there were any other problems. This may seem counter-intuitive because it might bring on even more of the same, but this is what you want. People build trust as they are listened to. If they had another problem with the delivery timing or any other facet of the transaction, this is when you need to hear it - at the outset, not later once you feel as if you have met all of their original concerns. The only way to solve a problem is to get all of the broken pieces on the table at once before you begin trying to "glue it back together." The most useful phrases in this part of the process (what mediators call the "Opening Statement") are questions such as, "Can I ask you - what about that bothered you so much?" or "What about that was so important to you?" These invite people to go deeper into the problem and tell you what the "real" problem is. Usually, this is where you hear that their boss is upset and they are afraid for their job or some underlying concern. This is a problem that might be handled with something as simple as a letter of apology, from you, the salesman or the president of your company, addressed to them with a copy to their boss, taking full responsibility and apologizing for the problem. Then, you will have a customer you might be able to keep. 3. Accentuate the Positive. It is important to find some commonalities, or create them, between you and the person on the other end. It is helpful and empathetic to say, "Oh boy, I know what you are going through. I've had a similar situation just recently. Let me see what I can do about this." This serves to normalize the situation. It tells someone that he/she is not the only one who has gone through this and that his or her reaction to it is normal. That calms people right away. 4. State Your Case Tactfully. The key here is to help people understand your perspective on things without making them defensive. To the extent you can disarm them, they will be more able to hear what you are really saying. A couple of tips are to own what is yours - apologize for what you or your team did wrong and do it first. This enables them to hear what you have to say next. Also, try not to state issues of difference as fact. Leave a little benefit of the doubt. Rather than insisting something arrived on schedule, it is better to acknowledge any room for doubt by acknowledging, "My information shows them arriving on schedule. I'll have to take a closer look into this." While you may still be right, clearly you have to gather more information to convince them of that, and if you are not right, then you do not have to apologize for misstating things. It also is helpful to state your position along with your interests. What that means is that instead of maintaining that there is nothing wrong with your product, which is purely argumentative and does not offer any support for your position, it is better to offer something helpful, such as providing another perspective by sending someone over to inspect the product in person. That way, the customer can show and describe exactly why the product is not working as necessary. Your position is the bottom line of what you are willing to do. Your interests are the reasons behind that decision. For example, it might be your position that you cannot take any product back or rescind the contract. However, your reason for that - your interest - may be that your bonus is tied directly to your returns, and that you have every incentive in the world to solve this problem another way. You may also offer what some of those things are, so that you are not just taking away something from them or denying their request, but offering positive alternatives in its place. One way to do this is to use "I Messages." An "I" message sounds like, "When you didn't come home last night, your father and I got really worried. What we would like you to do next time is call if you're going to be late, so that we know you're OK because we love you and care about you." That is how most of our parents were when we were teenagers, right? Seriously, can you imagine how we would have reacted if they had put it this way instead of the scenario we remember of being grounded for life while stomping off to bed? "I" messages are important because they describe the experience through the speaker's eyes, rather than simply the position (in this case the punishment). That disarms the person you are speaking to, and it takes the fight out of their next statement back to you.

5. Attack the Problem, Not the Person. Your points will be heard more clearly if you can depersonalize your comments and point only at the issue. Rather than accusing people of "always messing things up," it is better to say, "We'll have to take a closer look at why this keeps happening." In most statements that we make in a dispute, we are fighting with our own anger and are tempted to put a zinger into the point we are trying to get across. You will be heard better and improve your chances of resolving the issue the way you want if you can catch yourself and take the zinger out. Obviously, this is easier with e-mail and requires great concentration when in a face-to-face disagreement. 6. Avoid the Blame Game. Assigning blame is only helpful in one instance in problem solving - if you assign it to yourself. Generally speaking, figuring out whose fault something is does not do any good if the goal is to fix a problem. It is a diversion and sometimes a costly one because if a person feels blamed, he/she often checks out of a conversation. The trick to resolving clashes is to focus on problem solving, rather than pointing fingers. Focus on what you and the others can do to solve a problem and make it better, and it will be behind you before you know it. 7. Focus on the Future, Not the Past. In the past tense, we have the purchase order, the contract, the agreement and the deal as it was understood by all involved. The present and future tenses are where the solution ends. Rather than focusing on what went wrong or who should have done what, the secret to dispute resolution is to treat it like problem solving and focus on what can be done to resolve the problem. Once that is done, companies can look to the past tense to analyze what went wrong and how to improve quality control and efficiency. However, when there is a problem that has an angry customer or a disgruntled employee, the solution is all that anyone is interested in. 8. Ask the Right Kind of Questions. Questions such as "Why is that?" or "What did you think it would be?" make a person who you are talking to defensive. They inherently question the person's judgment or opinion, as well as coming off as curt. More often that not, people ask these short, direct questions, the type that can sound like a police officer's interrogation or a lawyer's cross-examination. These questions are designed to get just what you want from someone, rather than to permit them to tell you what they want you to know about something.If you want someone to answer you with real information, rather than just arguing back, it is best to give them a little information first. For example, "Since I don't have a copy of the P.O. in front of me, it would help me to investigate this if you could tell me more about how the colors on your order are described." Telling them why you are asking, puts your intent first, so they don't have to guess it. This questioning style tells a person that you are trying to do your job and to figure out some facts to get to reach a solution. By delivering your request in a poised and attentive tone, , it makes the person you are asking less defensive and gets you more of what you want. The other type of question that is especially helpful when you are trying to gather information is an open-ended question. These are the opposite of directive questions, and they invite the other person to tell you what he or she thinks is important about the situation. "Can you tell me what happened from the beginning?" or "Sounds as if this was really frustrating for you" can give you information that you might later use to problem solve. 9. Pick Your Battles. It is also important when asking questions to remember to Pick Your Battles. Human nature makes us want to be right, even to the point of being defensive or arguing points that do not matter in the big picture. It is even fair game to ask the other person, "On a scale of one-to-10, how important is this issue to you?" If an issue is a five to you and a nine to the person you are talking to, it is best to give that point up and use the same scale when an item is really important to you. After all, business relations are, like my brother's future father-in-law once told him about marriage, a "60-60 proposition." Most people think it is supposed to be 50-50, but the truth is, when adjusted for each person's perspective on how much they givevs. how much they receive, it really is a 60-60 proposition. Another marital proposition is also helpful here, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

10. Link Offers. Car salesmen do this all the time. They ask you what you want your monthly payment to be and then set the price of the car and the interest rate on the loan or lease so that they can match your monthly payment. Essentially, it's a way of saying, "I can either do this or that, which would be better for you?" It really is just sales skills - giving people the choice between two positives, so that they feel as if you are trying to help. 11. Be Creative. Brainstorm. Remember that everything is negotiable. Feel free to think outside of the box in order to expand the pie. Make it so that no idea is too far fetched. Being creative with resolutions takes longer, but can yield a true win-win solution. The best solution to a dispute is to get more business out of it. As such, one common problem-solving technique is to propose that instead of a cash refund, giving clients a deep discount on future orders in order to show what a good job you are capable of doing for them. Many of the lawsuits I settle come away with win-win solutions, where instead of just compromising, we actually collaborate to reach a solution that benefits everyone. This requires listening when asking the open-ended questions and gathering morsels of good information that you will later use to formulate proposals that meet their interests. For example, you might learn about particulars that affected an order. From here, you can propose creative solutions that replace things such as broken items, or instead of using the money to redo the entire order, you can use less money to ship a few dozen shirts with their logo on them so that your counterpart can look like a hero in front of the boss. These kinds of fixes make clients look good and keep them loyal to you, even after an initial dispute. 12. Be Confident. You can do this! Many people are afraid of confrontation and shy away from it. I have taught everyone, from housewives and high school grads to named senior partners in law firms and CEOs, how to do these simple steps. The process works. All you have to do is follow the steps. Furthermore, you must do this. Now that you have these tools, it is imperative that you do something about it. You owe it to your customers and your co-workers. 13. Celebrate Agreement! This kind of negotiation is a hard process. It requires two people to remain in an uncomfortable, potentially confrontational position for a long time to rebuild trust and be creative while trying to figure out the best, rather than the fastest, solution. Once it is accomplished, both you and the person you are talking to deserve a good pat on the back. There is nothing wrong with going to lunch or dinner to celebrate the resolution of a dispute that could have been destructive, but that ended with a win-win solution where everyone was satisfied. This is an important process for avoiding more serious disputes such as lawsuits and losing hardearned customers. Congratulate yourself and your partner in this solution. After all, nothing is more important than your company and its survival. Nothing is better for your company's survival than learning to make peace and resolve the inevitable disputes that will arise. Learn to cultivate peace with customers, suppliers, employees, labor and management. Utilizing these tools takes patience and generally requires changing old behaviors. However, if people on the front lines, in human resources, customer service and client relations, use simple tools such as these, they would resolve most disputes at that level, keeping them out of the legal department and out of the mediator's office.

Asking Questions to Help Resolve a Workplace Conflict

When youre dealing with a conflict between yourself and a co-worker (your boss, a peer, or a subordinate), your focus is on resolving the conflict and improving the situation. Invite the other person to sit down with you, and ask these questions:

 What would you like to see happen? What does that look like for you? Ask these questions one right after another so your colleague can describe what he does want versus what he doesnt want. He may ask for respect, but until he describes what respectful behavior looks like to him, you wont know how to deliver on his request. Changing your behavior to match your definition of respect may not be what hes looking for. What would it take for us to be able to move forward? How do we get there? These questions help an employee describe specific steps that may include an apology or a better understanding of his perspective before he can get over it. Are you willing to share the impact this has had on you? Are you willing to hear my perspective? Asking about a conflicts impact moves the discussion from surface details to a working relationship level. Your colleague will appreciate your interest in him and may be more open to hearing your perspective as well. The goal is for both of you to understand the effects of actions, assumptions, and language choices. What ideas do you have that would meet both our needs? The key part of this question is both our needs. It puts the onus for solution on both of you and shows that youre interested in creating a remedy that isnt just about you. Can you tell me more about that? This question helps you avoid the why questions, which can lead to defensiveness. Show a curiosity to hear more so an employee can share his perspective without feeling like hes on trial or your boss doesnt misinterpret a why question as disrespect. What about this situation is most troubling to you? Whats most important to you? Either way you ask it, this question helps you pinpoint what the real issues are (and theyre almost always based on a core value being dismissed, disregarded, or trampled on).

Mediation Process for Resolving Conflict at Work

By Vivian Scott

Part of the Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies Cheat Sheet

If youre a manager dealing with a conflict in the workplace (and what workplace doesn't have some conflict?), you need a strategy to approach and defuse the disagreement. You can effectively mediate the conflict by following this process: 1. Do preliminary planning, scheduling, and room setup. Getting the right people in the right room at the right time is a good first step to creative problemsolving. Do some leg work upfront to determine whos involved in a conflict. Then put some effort into creating an inviting environment so your employees have the best shot at successfully resolving their issue. 2. Greet parties and discuss the process. Setting ground rules, discussing your role as a neutral facilitator (which may be new to your employees) and letting the parties know that youre open to helping them resolve their differences are all ways to demonstrate that this conflict and its resolution belongs to them. 3. Share perspectives. Refining the art of reflecting and reframing helps you identify core values, neutralize emotional language, and demonstrate that listening to each others point of view is far more productive than listening to rebuttals.

4. Build an agenda together. Creating a cooperative agenda after hearing each others perspective lets employees build a list of topics that acts as a compass for the rest of their meeting and provides a yardstick for their progress. 5. Negotiate in good faith. Giving employees the space to brainstorm and make proposals for solutions that benefit both of them can create remedies that are longer lasting and more durable. 6. Hold private meetings if necessary. Meeting privately gives each employee an opportunity to share sensitive information, practice how he might ask for what he needs, apologize for his role in the conflict, or acknowledge the positive aspects of his working relationship. 7. Craft agreements, with details. The best agreements are detailed agreements. Leaving anything to the imagination can cause trouble down the road, so crafting agreements with an eye for detail gives employees the boundaries and certainty they seek. 8. Monitor follow-through. Looking for signs that things are going well or tuning into cues that theres more work to be done gives you an opportunity to praise your employees for what theyre doing well and to coach them on next steps.

Mediation in the workplace: Can't we talk about this?

Employment legislation now advocates the use of mediation to settle grievances. But what does the process involve and, more importantly, does it actually work? Share 10 Email

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Louise Tickle The Guardian, Jump to comments (2)

Mediation can often help resolve difficult working relationships. Photograph: Aiste Miseviciute / Alamy/Alamy They say compromise is the key to a happy relationship, but in the workplace it's just not that easy, as the ongoing dispute between Royal Mail and the Communication Workers Union proves. But even though hours of negotiations appear to be failing between the two parties (Royal Mail said last week it would only involve the conciliation service Acas if the union called off its strike threat), mediation can still work in one-on-one scenarios. If you're constantly being undermined by the boss, feel shaky with anxiety about low-grade sniping by colleagues in the office, or discover that a colleague has been stabbing you in the back, then you're experiencing a level of workplace conflict that's likely to result in long-term misery and frustration at best, or an industrial tribunal at worst. In between the two extremes, it's not uncommon to find one, or all, of the following: panic attacks, depression, sickness absence, retaliatory action that inflames the situation, performance reviews, disciplinary measures and sacking. Workplace mediation, however, is a potential solution. It's an approach that's gaining currency with human resources departments, even though it can initially feel terrifying, particularly for junior members of staff. For a manager who agrees to go to mediation because of a conflict that's arisen in his or her department, there can additionally be an uncomfortable feeling of failure at their own inability to find a solution. "There was an element of embarrassment," recalls line manager Ian Brockhurst, who entered into a mediation with an aggrieved member of staff under him. "I was on the 'wrong side', according to majority opinion. I sensed other people were looking at me thinking that, as I was the senior party, I should have been able to sort it. I felt a lot of pressure that I hadn't." The motivation to invest in an outside consultant's expertise often comes from an enlightened HR manager's awareness of what the process can achieve through their past experience, says Vicky Wells, founder of mediation company Splash Management Consultancy. This is bolstered by the knowledge that the alternatives can get very expensive. There's inevitably a loss of team morale and productivity while the warring parties are at each others' throats, and, if someone resigns, there's the cost of recruitment. If a case does end up at tribunal, there are potentially massive legal bills and any financial award to be found. "Mediation always ought to be a consideration if you can see a complaint coming," says Sue Weal, head of human resources at East Dorset District Council, who has commissioned several. "Given the costs, there's a business case to be made, but it's a compelling one if you have bosses who are open-minded."

Indeed, the old statutory three-step grievance procedure (statement of grievance, meeting, appeal meeting) has recently been repealed. New employment legislation gives statutory force to a code of "best practice" set out by Acas, the advisory, conciliation and arbitration service, which includes guidance advocating mediation. Penalties for not following the code includes a 25% uplift on any award given at any subsequent tribunal. Employers can't be forced to implement mediation, because it has to be a voluntary process, but if an employer unreasonably refuses to instigate a mediation when one is requested, a tribunal might well take a rather dim view. Wells acknowledges, however, that mediation is not yet part of the culture of many organisations. "By the time a mediator is finally called in, human resources departments are often at their wits end," she says. And when trust has broken down, it's not always easy to convince colleagues to enter the same room, let alone consider each other's point of view. "Although, at first, employees can be sceptical and resistant, people, generally speaking, do want to get things sorted out and to bring a difficult situation to an end," says John Sturrock QC, the chief executive of Core Solutions, who has been mediating for 10 years across the private, public and voluntary sectors. "They realise, even if subconsciously, that ongoing unresolved conflict is not good for them." It is a tenet of mediation that the entire process stays confidential neither managers or the HR department get a report from the mediator, and there is no obligation on participants to disclose any part of what has taken place. A point-blank refusal means that no mediation is possible, but if there is a suggestion of interest, Wells says she will suggest a one-to-one meeting with no obligation to continue. "It's a chance for you to get things off your chest. You'll be listened to, at least, and that, in itself, is quite cathartic," she explains. There are different ways of running a session but, typically, says Eve Pienaar, a mediator with Bristolbased ADR Group, when the two sides come together each will be given time at the start to let rip about what has occurred. "It typically gets very emotional," she says. "I encourage them to lay out as much as they can about their feelings and what is prompting their own behaviour. In even five or 10 minutes, you can get a lot of stuff out, and then there's a palpable sense of relief." "Anger is a cover-all emotion. It always comes from something underneath hurt, for example," says Wells. "What we're trying to do is enable people to express that underlying emotion, because that often leads to a breakthrough." Both Wells and Pienaar impose an absolute rule that there should be no interrupting, and that each person gets equal airtime. "The mediator holds that, and holds the respect," says Pienaar. "Then I will summarise. It means each person has to really listen, often for the first time." At this point, a mediator will try to move the situation forward. Ideas are sought from the participants, and often a written "contract" or agreement is drawn up. Pienaar says that both sides will have to make concessions and then, working together, create their own ground rules. These should be clear, simple and easy to monitor. "I don't dictate anything, I use their words, their statements, and they own it. So they're much more likely to stick by it," she says. "If you're on the trading floor and all the guys have been talking disparagingly about women, it could be a statement like: 'We agree that we will not refer to women as x'," she says. Mediation, all three experts agree, can be transformational if participants enter into the process with openness and courage. "Conflict can dehumanise us," observes Sturrock. "One senior executive I worked with recently said to me, 'I now see these people in the other team as human beings'."

It can be hard to face up to one's own responsibility for creating a conflict, admits Brockhurst, but having an outsider come in to facilitate a solution meant that, as a senior manager, he didn't lose too much face. "My situation was that I had treated a member of staff in a certain way it was something that was done and couldn't be retracted. I'd come up with solutions in my head, but you feel that if you back down off your wall, it's going to make you look small," he explains. "Then the mediator comes in with a glow of objectivity: they don't know you, and they don't know any of your bosses, or any of the agendas, and that's very reassuring. "They help you to a solution that's maybe similar to what you'd thought of, but somehow, because of their input, it's less degrading." Mediation isn't a magic wand, however, and it won't always resolve a conflict to the satisfaction of both parties. "I felt extremely vulnerable," says Lucy Petch, who agreed to a mediation that placed her on one side and her organisation's entire board on the other when she discovered that maternity benefits stated in her original contract had been withdrawn. "It was horrible. I was heavily pregnant and in a super-emotional state. There was no opportunity to talk to the mediator in advance. I did feel, on the whole, that I got to state my case, but the result was a lengthy document written by the mediator, essentially saying that things hadn't been done well but finding in the company's favour." Are there conflicts where mediation simply wouldn't work? "If it's a case of someone objecting to a colleague's personality or religion, we can't mediate that," says Pienaar. A significant power imbalance between the parties would also make it difficult, though not impossible, to create a healthy mediation process. It's unlikely, of course, that people who have been at loggerheads are suddenly going to become bosom buddies. So what is considered a good outcome to a mediation? "The aim is for it to be right, for the person and for the company," says Sturrock at Core Solutions. "It can result in departure, where a mature decision is made to say 'I don't want to stay here any more'. The implications of that can then be worked through." Success is when the participants say matters have much improved, says Wells. "Nobody has to like each other, but if they can work more effectively together, I've done my job."

Case study: Moving beyond the bitterness

Robert Angel was working as a change consultant for a company when he discovered that a senior manager on long-term sick leave was considering taking her employer to an industrial tribunal. "She believed the way she had been treated by colleagues had caused and then exacerbated her stress-based illness," he says. "Matters had reached a complete stand-off, not helped by the fact that the company had not followed its own procedures. She wasn't willing to negotiate with HR, who she felt were being aggressive and partial. "However, she desperately wanted her job back, and also compensation for pay that had been docked. She was in a bad way and very bitter. "I proposed bringing in a mediator, and we had several meetings to discuss how to find a managed, parttime 'return to work' scenario. This was difficult, because relationships had broken down with her team. "Having an outside person who was a very good listener was critical. The mediator was able to suggest ways of investigating outside work opportunities that, because they came from someone independent, she was willing to try.

"I persuaded the company to pay her salary while she worked part-time with a not-for-profit organisation. Eventually she recovered sufficiently to apply for a full-time job elsewhere. "Without mediation she would have gone to tribunal and the stress would have been horrendous for her. It would have been bad for the company too, if it had lost the case under the Disability Discrimination Act."

10 Steps to Conflict Resolution

A Step-by-Step Guide to Conflict Resolution

By Deb Peterson, About.com Guide

Conflict happens. It happens everywhere: between friends, in the classroom, around the corporate conference table. The good news is that it doesn't have to damage friendships or business deals. Knowing how to resolve conflict, wherever it happens, creates confidence and eases stress. Conflict resolution in the corporate world can mean the difference between good business and no business. Teach your managers, supervisors, and employees how to manage conflict in the office and watch morale, and business, improve. Teachers, these techniques work in the classroom, too, and they can save friendships.

1. Be Prepared
Care enough about your own well-being, your relationships with co-workers and your company, to talk about what is bothering you at work, to talk about conflict. Don't take it home or stuff it away. Ignoring something doesnt make it go away. Start preparing to resolve conflict by checking your own behavior. What are your hot buttons? Have they been pushed? How have you handled the situation so far? What is your own responsibility in the matter? Own up. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Do a little soul searching, a little selfexamination, before talking it out with the other party. Then plan what you want to say. I'm not suggesting you memorize a speech, but it helps to visualize a successful, peaceful conversation.

2. Don't Wait
The sooner you resolve conflict, the easier it is to resolve. Don't wait. Don't let the matter boil into something bigger than it is. If a specific behavior has caused the conflict, promptness gives you an example to refer to and keeps you from building up hostility. It also gives the other person the best chance of understanding the specific behavior you want to talk about.

3. Find a Private, Neutral Place

Talking about conflict has almost no chance of succeeding if its carried out in public. Nobody likes to be embarrassed in front of peers or made an example of in public. Your goal is to eliminate the tension created by conflict. Privacy will help you. Neutral places are best. However, if you need to emphasize your authority over a direct report, a managers office may be appropriate. A managers office is also acceptable if there is no other private place to meet.

Try to make the office as neutral as possible by sitting so that there is no table or other obstruction between you and the other person, if possible. This removes physical barriers to open communication.

4. Be Aware of Body Language

Be aware of your body language. You convey information without ever opening your mouth to speak. Know what message you are sending the other person by how you're holding your body. You want to convey peace here, not hostility or closed-mindedness. Maintain eye contact. Relax your neck and shoulder muscles. Be conscious of your expression. Show you care. Use a "Please pass the salt and pepper" voice: neutral tone, moderate speed and volume, conversational. Avoid absolutes like "never" and "always."

5. Share Your Feelings

Nine times out of 10, the real conflict is about feelings, not facts. You can argue about facts all day, but everyone has a right to his or her own feelings. Owning your own feelings, and caring about others', is key to talking about conflict. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion. It almost always arises from fear. It's critical here to use "I" statements. Instead of saying, "You make me so angry," try something like, "I feel really frustrated when you..." And remember to talk about behaviors, not personalities.

6. Identify the Problem

Give specific details, including your own observations, valid documentation, if appropriate, and information from reliable witnesses, if appropriate. You've shared your own feelings about the situation, described the problem, and expressed interest in resolving the matter. Now simply ask the other party how he or she is feeling about it. Don't assume. Ask. Discuss what caused the situation. Does everyone have the information they need? Does everyone have the skills they need? Does everyone understand expectations? What are the obstacles? Does everyone agree on the desired outcome? If necessary, use a problem analysis tool or a can/can't/will/won't performance analysis.

7. Listen Actively and with Compassion

Listen actively and remember that things are not always what they seem. Be ready to be open to the other persons explanation. Sometimes, getting all the information from the right person changes the entire situation. Be ready to respond with compassion. Be interested in how the other person sees the situation differently than you do.

8. Find a Solution Together

Ask the other party for his or her ideas for solving the problem. The person is responsible for his or her own behavior and has the ability to change it. Resolving conflict is not about changing another person. Change is up to each individual. Know how you want the situation to be different in the future. If you have ideas the other person doesnt mention, suggest them only after the person has shared all of his or her ideas.

Discuss each idea. What's involved? Does the person need your help? Does the idea involve other people who should be consulted? Using the other persons ideas first, especially with direct reports, will increase personal commitment on his or her part. If an idea cant be used for some reason, explain why.

9. Agree on a Plan of Action

Say what you will do differently in the future and ask the other party to verbalize his or her commitment to change in the future. With direct reports, know what goals you want to set with the employee and how and when you will measure progress. Its important that the person verbalize what will change in a specific manner. Set a follow-up date with direct reports, and explain future consequences for failure to change, if appropriate.

10. Express Confidence

Thank the other party for being open with you and express confidence that your work relationship will be better for having talked the problem out.

1. Management is a continuous effort. Most teams like to keep it within themselves so if you so much as get a whiff of something that smells bad, start digging. Ideally it is you who goes down to the team level and start the tweaking before it even gets to your level through the normal protocol. That way you can nip it in the bud. When issues get brought up to you through the normal chain of command, its often reached a stage where resolution is hard or even impossible and egos will often be bruised. 2. It's not just two people. When interpersonal issues come up, the entire team is affected. There will be whining and venting on a member to member level so odds are the other people will have taken sides in the issue as well. You need to make sure you weigh the impact of your decisions before you make a stand. Having to keep the team in mind means you may not always end up making the morally right decision. I know it sucks, deal with it. When its an inherited team, you might have to swallow it now just so you can change the team composition later. This is inevitable. 3. Be firm but fair. Other team members will be using this to judge how much they can trust you. Trust is the most important commodity and you don't want to lose all credibility by appearing biased. Juggling this and point #2 is often the hardest part of the entire process. 4. Try to fix it the first time around. Nothing is worse than dragging it out. If the issue isn't one that can be resolved swiftly and permanently, transfer one of the members to another team in a graceful way, making sure that everyone knows you aren't just dumping him. While these things MIGHT work themselves out in the long run, you shouldn't be betting the well being of you team on a possibility. This will send a clear signal to the members that you really do value the team concept. There are other factors to consider as well but this topic is probably is little too wide to allow for clear and concise answers.

up vote The best, most practical piece of advice I can give is to take the people out to lunch and talk to 3 down them about it. Don't bring up the issue directly, just ask them "How are things?" and "I've noticed vote you seem to be distant/pensive/frustrated/whatever" and let them speak. Don't judge, blame or

take a position. Ask questions like "Do you think the team feels stress?" and see if they can articulate about the situation. Usually after about 30 minutes, you end up talking about the problem because they have raised it. (Of course, you planted the seeds to let them open up about it...) Lunch is a great way to approach the subject in a low impact way, plus it lets you develop more of a personal relationship with the person (be sure not to talk only about work!)

Interpersonal conflicts happen all the time. I find many wash out in the normal process of teaming; as the team gels, so do its members. When it does not, there is no fancy process. Throw the offending parties in a room, timebox a discussion, and facilitate a resolution. up vote You are on a project, you have limited resources, and there are a ton of threats jeopardizing your 2 down success everyday. There really is no time to horse around with this type of garbage. And I think vote that message needs to come across to the offending parties, with the underlying message being that the grinding components will be replaced with new ones if this lubricant does not help.

And yet, in some circumstances, it is almost impossible to get rid of the grinding components - a description that I really like. Where there are strong unions, or legislation that makes it difficult to move people on, it can be a very long, slow process to clear out challenging individuals, and it can consume a huge amount of management time, effort, and energy. At the risk of hijacking this question, that is why it is so important to be sure that your team will be able to work together, and act professionally even if, as sometimes happens, they don't actually like each other very much. Iain9688 Feb 29 '12 at 22:42

Depending on the severity I and speaking very generally, my approach consists of two stages. Stage one is to talk to each of the involved persons one-on-one to find out what happened and how emotional the problem is. The vast majority of the cases can be addressed and resolved with just one such conversation with each individual. In some cases I speak to one or more of the individuals several time. Depending on the situation I try to provide recommendations and advice. Having these conversations offsite, e.g. over a coffee at a nearby cafe, gives it a somewhat less formal tone. Choice or location and wording depends heavily on the situation. Stage two is getting people into a single room and see how that works out. In my career I had only very, very few cases where this was required. Sometimes a meeting like this needs to be up vote facilitated. In that case I think it is important for me as a manager to stay as neutral as possible. 2 down vote Only in one case I then had to develop a plan to work with a person to continue their career in a different team. Last thing I heard was he was doing just fine in his new role. Apart from the above I find - and that would be my advice - that in most cases interpersonal conflicts can be avoided or minimized by interaction with all team members so that all people have a sense of being respected, contributing to the team work and participating in the success. Communication is essential!
Of course there are a gazillion other factors that influence how I handle conflicts and my approach in specific cases can be substantially different.

Resolving Workplace Conflict

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Imagine yourself in a heated argument with an instructor over an ongoing dispute. You both storm away without a resolution and for weeks afterward, the instructor refuses to take your calls. Your frustration mounts. Unproductive workplace conflict arises when appropriate communication breaks down. The result is wasted work time; a drop in motivation, productivity and quality of service; employee attrition; loss of authority; a stressful work environment; and even direct damage to the company. The best approach to workplace conflict is to avoid unproductive quarreling altogether. Conflict prevention relies on good communication and organizational structure, says Daniel Dana, the author of Conflict Resolution. He suggests these four strategies for eliminating strife. 1. Address Conflict Early. Your first reaction to a scuffle may be to distance yourself, but doing so allows the unresolved problem to fester. Distinguish between a permanent withdrawal, when you walk away with no intention to reengage, and a tactical withdrawal, when you agree to have a dialogue once tempers cool down, says Dana. 2. Avoid a One-Sided Solution. As a manager, you are in a position to call the shots; but Dana suggests that encouraging two sides to come together to problem-solve builds long-term cooperation. 3. Take Risks. Offer a conciliatory gesture, such as apologizing, taking responsibility for your role in the problem or expressing positive feelings. Shift from a tit-for-tat bargaining mentality to a win-win collaborative mentality, advises Dana. 4. Respect Others Peace-Making Gestures. Avoid the temptation to exploit a counterparts conciliatory gesture, Dana says, for example by saying, Aha, so you admit its your fault! Sometimes conflicts brew despite your best intentions. Following a clear set of guidelines will help you manage these scuffles before they escalate into real crises. Mediating Conflict Between Two Employees Janet, your yoga teacher, needs a warm room during her class, so she turns up the heat. David, who teaches a class immediately after Janets class, needs the studio much cooler. But if David turns the thermostat down at the start of his class, it takes 20 minutes for the temperature to drop. If Janet lowers the heat too soon, her students get chilly during final relaxation. So David has been lowering the temperature himself while Janet is still teaching. Decide to Mediate. Your first step is to decide that a third-party mediator is necessary. In making this decision, ask yourself if the situation is resolvable. Working on a satisfactory solution is fruitless if neither party in the conflict can control the situation. Hold Preliminary Meetings. Dana advises holding separate meetings first to hear each persons complaint and explain your role as an impartial participant. Your goal is to help your employees negotiate, not to take sides or make decisions for them.

Preliminary meetings also help you determine why the conflict matters from a business perspective. The most common managerial error during workplace mediation is failing to define the business problem, Dana explains. The manager should be concerned with workplace performance rather than how employees feel about each other. The purpose of the mediation is to solve the business problem, not to address the employees' feelings. Making this distinction simplifies the process and draws the boundary between workplace mediation (an appropriate managerial function) and psychological counseling (an inappropriate one). Conduct a Three-Way Meeting. This meeting should be held in a private, neutral space where you wont be interrupted. Gather around a table, suggests Dana, with you sitting at the head rather than beside one of the employees, to avoid giving the visual impression that you are aligning with one person over the other. Dana adds that this arrangement also conveys that you are in charge of the process of the meeting, even though the disputants are in charge of finding a solution to the problem. Keep the negotiators engaged in the process of effective resolution. Make sure each person is given the chance to clarify his or her position while the other listens. If you notice one person withdrawing from the discussion, describe what you observe, then wait for a response. For example, say, David, I notice you haven't said anything for a few minutes. What's going on?" Look for a breakthrougha mutual shift from a polarized me-against-you confrontation to a cooperative us-against-the-problem attitude. Work Out a Deal. The agreement should balance who gives and who takes and make both negotiators feel they got something out of the resolution. Write down the specifics of the new deal or behavior to avoid further miscommunication. For example, you could write, Janet will turn down the thermostat to 68 degrees 10 minutes before her class ends to allow the studio to cool off for Davids class. She will ask her students to bring blankets to class for final relaxation. David will use one of the facilitys fans to cool the room for his class. He will not adjust the thermostat before Janets class has ended. Finally, check that the resolution works. Your final step is to hold a follow-up meeting to support the deal you reached, says Dana. Self-Mediation If you are in conflict with a colleague or an employee, you could either call on an impartial mediator or try self-mediation, where you act as both a negotiator and the mediator. Most of the steps for self-mediation are the same as those for managerial mediation: Plan when and where to talk, keep the conversation civil, and clarify your deal in writing. There are, however, a few important distinctions. Step Outside Your Office. Your office or a room you use often might be considered neutral ground during a managerial mediation, but it wont be for self mediation. Listen First. Dana recommends opening the discussion by verbalizing your appreciation for the other persons willingness to meet and expressing optimism about finding a solution that will satisfy both of you. Then commence the dialogue by listening. Invite the other person to speak by making a statement like, Help me understand your position. Managing Diverging Viewpoints When discussed in a respectful way, converging viewpoints in the workplace can spawn creativity, new ideas and more effective procedures. The trick lies in managing disputes with appropriate strategies to ensure that discussion remains constructive.

How to Mediate Staff Conflict

By David Koenig, eHow Contributor

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Mediation is a form of intervention in which a person stands between people and helps them negotiate a resolution to a conflict. In the workplace, a senior manager usually conducts a mediation, helping staff reach an acceptable compromise. Rather than imposing a solution from the top, mediation allows the warring parties to have a hand in creating the solution to their problem. For the most effective process, a mediator should have good people skills, listening ability and a knack for seeing both sides of an argument and identifying a practical solution.

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How to Become a Court-Appointed Mediator

Job Description for a Chief Resolution Officer

Instructions
1 Speak to each person in the conflict separately. Ask them to explain how they view the situation and how they would like to see it resolved, sticking to the facts without making personal attacks or guessing colleagues' motives. 2 Listen to each person's views, acknowledge his feelings and avoid taking sides.

Discuss the findings of the interviews with other managers involved in the dispute resolution process to decide whether to proceed to a mediation. 4 Identify any legal obligations that arise from the situation. For example, a conflict may involve issues of racial discrimination or sexual harassment, and as an employer or manager, you have the responsibility to ensure your company follows relevant law or any regulations specific to your industry. 5 Prepare a set of questions to ask during the mediation. Potential questions include, "What do you think [name of person] could do differently to resolve this situation?", "What are you prepared to change about your behavior to help the situation?" and "What do you believe a fair compromise would be?" 6 Arrange a meeting between the two parties in the conflict, with one or more mediators present. 7 Set ground rules for the meeting to make the negotiation as calm, professional and respectful to both parties as possible. These may include no raising of voices, no secondguessing each other's thoughts or motives, no talking over each other and no personal attacks. 8 Ask questions, allowing all parties to express their views. Gradually narrow down the discussion toward objective outcomes -- concrete goals and ideas for resolving the conflict. 9 Agree on a firm plan of action with both parties, taking into account both their concerns. Everyone should leave the meeting feeling their voice has been heard and knowing exactly what steps to take next.

Tips for manager mediating employee conflict

Dear Joan, I am dealing with two employees, both in different departments, who for some reason dont get along. They started off working great together and then turned to the worst of co-workers. I am trying to get them back on track but need your advice to do so. Do you know of any type of coaching I could possibly offer to help them get back on track? Answer: They say, Theres no wrath like a woman scorned, and I say ditto to a co-worker trust that is betrayed. Since they are in two different departments, I suspect you wouldnt be concerned about it unless they had to work together. You may not repair the friendship but you can work toward a peace treaty that will meet the needs of the business. First, you will need to enlist the assistanceor at least the supportof the other persons manager. Since you will be mucking around in his or her turf, you dont want to overstep the other

manager. In addition, you will probably need the other managers influence and authority when it comes time for an action plan. First, meet with each person individually. Start out by explaining that you realize they dont get along but they must find a way to co-exist peacefully, for the good of the team and the business. Next, explain that you would like to understand the nature of the conflict and so you will be asking them some questions. Finally, you will expect the person to take responsibility for resolving the matter so they can co-exist. Explain that you will facilitate the process but they are responsible for the outcome. The first thing you will hear out of each of them is how the other person wronged them. Here is where you will set some ground rules. Explain that you will ask a few questions of each of them and then you will bring them both together and ask the same questions and facilitate a discussion. The ground rules are: No personal accusationsstay focused on the facts No passing judgment or guessing motives of the other person Take responsibility for your part of the problem Find a solution that will allow the work to get done Keep this private and dont discuss it with others Then, ask questions such as: 1. 2. 3. 4. 6. What is the problem? How does it affect the work? What are the root causes? What have you done to contribute to the problem? What is your common purpose? What have you done (or could you do) to resolve this?

5. What do you need from her/him to achieve that purpose? Have you told the person? You should probably set aside a half-day to have the two interviews and facilitate the meeting (do this in neutral territory, such as a conference room) If you stretch it over several days, it could unravel. You dont want to give them time to fret about the process, badmouth the other person, lobby their own manager, or threaten to quit. The key is to get it done before they have a chance to think about it and object. Discuss with the other manager if he/she should attend the meetings. (It may make the parties feel ganged up on.) If he or she isnt going to attend the meeting, the manager needs to convey to their employee that he/she supports your process and will support the outcome. For the interviews, you may want to print out a copy of the ground rules and the questions. Then for the joint meeting, they each will have an agenda in hand, to help guide the discussion. When you call them together, add three more ground rules: Ask them to paraphrase what the other person said before responding. (This will force them to listen to each other, instead of merely rebutting. Ask each of them to summarize what the other person said, or restate, first.) Ask them to look at each other instead of at you. (They will naturally want to ignore each other, like two opposing magnets, and appeal to you as judge and jury. Refuse to allow this to happen. When one of them looks at you, say, Id like you to tell her and then look at the other person. Or, say, It doesnt matter what I think. It matters what she thinkstell her. Or, Im not the one who can solve this issueyou both are responsible. Talk to each other.)

 Come up with a solution you can both live with. (It doesnt have to be perfect but if its a compromise or is perceived as too one-sided, the truce wont last.) Call the other manager into the room and ask the two parties to summarize what they have both agreed to do. Get the support and agreement of the other manager. Usually, this is enough to get a feud resolved. However, if the cold war persists, tell the pair, I dont care if you like each other but you have to co-exist professionally to get the work done. If you cant reach a mutual solution that will allow the work to get done efficiently and effectively, it will have a negative consequence for you both. Teamwork is important around here, and this could affect your performance reviews and even your merit increase. And if it continues, or gets worse, it could result in disciplinary action for both of you. Now, what steps are each of you going to take responsibility for? It will take a firm, calm approach at the negotiating table to get the results you need. But in the end, if they dont resolve it, negotiation ends and you and your fellow manager should decide how to proceed. Thats why you must keep the other manager informed and involved in the process all along the way. Joan Lloyd newest workshop for supervisors and managers, Strategies to Resolve & Reduce Employee & Team Conflict, provides real-world solutions for real-life situations.

Managers dos and donts for handling workplace conflict

Everything was fine before your small company landed the big new contract. Everyone is working harder. Now your employees' tempers are flaring and fingers are pointing. People who once seemed to get along well are barely speaking to each other. In the last few weeks, your office has become a revolving door of complaints and conflicts... You've been hearing complaints about one of your employees. He's extremely competitive and not much of a team player. You've heard rumors about how he undermines others on the team to make himself look good. Now that there's a rumor about downsizing, you've started to see evidence of it yourself... Situations like these can occur in any workplace. And conflict is inevitable when people with different personalities and goals work together. But I've noticed a significant increase in the number of requests I'm getting to help with these kinds of issues. There seems to be three core causes: the pace of change in the marketplace has accelerated, customer expectations have been raised across the board and there's pressure to do more with less, and teamwork is thrusting employees into new co-dependent working relationships. Conflict is never an easy thing to deal with, and less so in this environment. So it's no surprise that most people either try to ignore it and hope it goes away, or attempt a direct confrontation, which often makes it worse. Here are a few do's and don'ts for managers: DON'T: When you know about a conflict, don't look the other way. DO: A conflict is a red flag. It tells you to stay alert and pay attention to what is really going on. If you have first-hand information you'll be in a better position to coach the people involved. Using third-party information is risky and can make a bad situation worse ("So and so said that you were..."). DON'T get into the role of "parent." It's tempting to step into a conflict between two parties who are complaining about each other. Too often managers think that they should quickly respond to a complaint about a fellow employee by rushing off to correct the wayward employee's behavior.

Of course the confronted employee feels betrayed and becomes defensive because another employee has "tattled" on him or her instead of trying to work it out first. DO: It's important to encourage employees to take responsibility for working out their own conflicts. But often, you'll need to help them figure out how. 1.) Listen carefully to the person's complaint. 2.) Ask them what they have done so far to remedy the situation. 3.) Redirect the complainer back to the person and coach him or her on what to say and how to say it. 4.) Ask the person to report back to you on how it went, so you can offer more supportive coaching, if needed. DON'T assume it's a personality conflict. DO: Look for the core causes. One way to get at the real issue is to ask the person to explain the problem and then ask, "How does this affect your work?" Another way to peel away the layers of emotion is to ask "Why" five times. By the fifth question, you're usually at the heart of the matter. DON'T try to solve an interpersonal conflict between a few people in front of the whole group. If you attempt to force a group to confront someone or hope to use group pressure to get someone to change, you are playing with fire. It is likely to blow up and become worse and the insult will be added to the original injury. DO: Deal with the individuals privately and coach each of them to work with each other before stepping in. And dont talk about the conflict with other employees. DON'T think that telling a group of complaining employees to "stop" or "get along" is going to actually make the problem go away. They may stop telling you, but you can be sure that it will go underground and probably blow up later. DO: Confront a chronic complainer who is constantly stirring up rumors, gossip and generally badmouthing others. Managers tend to shy away from dealing with this type of problem employee because they do so much damage when they're cornered. They're also fearful that their behavior may not be directly performance related and therefore off limits to be discussed legally. On the contrary, if their behavior is ruining team morale, affecting the level of cooperation or doing anything that is affecting the customer, you have good reason to deal with it.

Predicting When to Mediate Workplace Conflict

Predicting the optimum time to intervene in a conflict is a bit like predicting the weather, more often than not you get it right but there are always freak events that will contaminate your predictions. Conflicts tend to transition through specific stages, if you improve your knowledge of these stages then youll increase your chances of stopping a conflict before it gets out of control. The first stage is often the most mundane and frustrating

Conflict Collision
Workplace conflicts typically begin over a trivial matter, for example borrowing an item of stationary and not returning it on time or in the same condition it was when borrowed. Yes, pretty dull I know. There are other ingredients that spice things up a little such as excessive workload, time pressure, stress and so on, but essentially we have all the ingredients to concoct a good old fashioned workplace conflict. Caveat: It has of course nothing at all to do with the item of stationary in question and everything to do with unmet expectations about when and in what condition the said item of stationary would be returned and the meaning attributed to this action. But you knew this already, right? If not and you want to learn more then leave a comment below to let me know.

Discussing Undiscussables
All thats happened up to this point is that the two protagonists have exchanged some words, maybe some side remarks at each other as way of communicating their disapproval. At no stage is the victim explicit about his or her frustrations and this my friends, I believe, is at the heart of the problem. Naturally one would expect two adults to sit down and talk openly about their frustrations and expectations of each other in order to clear up the misunderstanding that exists between them. But no, I think thats too much to expect of two grownups to do especially if youre paying them 1000s every month to be responsible and accountable for their behaviour!

Mediate or Just a Difficult Conversation?

At this stage its simply too early in the conflict for a third party intervention, let alone floating the suggestion of a mediation. The matter seems too trivial to the parties and both will be blind to the pattern of events that are about to unfold. So as far as theyre concerned theres no compelling reason to sit down and talk because theres nothing at stake, just a minor clash of personalities as they say.

Workplace Conflict Needs to Fester

There is a fertile stage between the initial collision and when the conflict goes underground. This is a good time for a third party intervention because the conflict now begins to afflict others in the team and starts to interfere with effectiveness, productivity and the well being of its members.

Managers This is Your Time.

If you intervene now you can surface all the issues and extinguish the flames of the conflict. Do this by: Pull both parties to one side (Your instinct will be to speak to them separately. Resist this temptation with all your might. Its a slippery slope if you dont. Youll just become a repository of confidential information that will radically reduce your effectiveness at facilitating the difficult conversation between them.) Share your observations with both parties (stick to the data and avoid inferences). Share the impact you notice its having on others (give specific examples). Share your expectation that its resolved right now and the outcome you expect. (Ask them if they think youre expectations are unreasonable this is important) Schedule a meeting later that day or the next day and give both parties instructions about how to prepare for that meeting. Congratulations! Not only have you taken the first big step to prevent the conflict from escalating but youve also done what very few managers do; take accountability seriously.

Sending the Wrong Message

If you are in any doubt about the advice on offer in this article, then allow me to present an alternative narrative. Say you decide not to intervene at this stage, then its possible a number of things will happen This is worst case scenario but one I would want you to avoid. You lose credibility with your team because they perceive your action as an act of collusion. In other words, by not intervening you are sending a message to the group to say, its ok to behave in this way.

 The potency of your positional power and influence with the main protagonists will diminish, because youre not exercising your authority and making your expectations about group norms explicit. As the conflict goes underground, the main protagonists will begin to form beach heads and strengthen their position by inviting alliances to join them. Team members on the periphery get dragged in to the toxicity. Stress levels increase as efficiencies decrease. Resentments build between members as some carry the workload of others.

Get the picture?

So I encourage you to intervene early, not too early but before the conflict goes underground. Make sure you have enough data to make your proposal for a difficult conversation or mediation is compelling to both parties. Avoid tripping yourself up by speaking to the parties separately and address them together sharing your observations and your expectations.