Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life

By Jason Goodwin M.Ed. For Meghan, whose death explained the need.

(Please direct questions and comments to: jargoodwin@juno.com.) Published by Jason Goodwin M.Ed. Copyright 2010, Jason Goodwin M.Ed.

Praise for Jason Goodwin M.Ed. "With you, it feels like the emphasis is on figuring yourself out. It feels productive." - David V. "The one-on-one's with you help the most. You're great at breaking things down to a grade-school level." - Greg J. "I admire that you're willing to work through your problems and life situations." - John Q. "You help me figure things out more. Every time we talk, it's an inspiration." - Josh H. "This program has given me my life back." - Ben S. "I think Jason is really sincere, and I believe he has my best interests in mind." - Craig W. "These one-on-one's have helped me the most." - Walter B. "I really like you. You're easy to talk to." - Tim E. "I got some insight from Jason about the victim mentality that I've been in for many years." - Ryan H.

"You seem like the kind of person who really likes to help people. You're the only person I know who has that strong, moral compass. I want to be more like you!" - Chris B. "I wish my sessions with Jason were longer, because an hour just flies by." - Jarret T. "Thank you for making me feel comfortable. You have a really calming energy about you." - Sharon Z. "You've been a breath of fresh air with how much you care about your clients and your organizational skills." - Joe B. "I've heard from everyone that you're a really good counselor." - Lynn M. "You're an awesome counselor. That's why you're the first person I called." - Phillip L. "I'm just really impressed with Jason. He really knows what he's talking about." - David M. "I've heard alot of good things about you." - Lauri P. "I brag about you alot." - Heather F. "I picked you because you're focused. I can hear you thinking. I think you'll be good for my recovery." - Robert C. "At first you hate going to groups and by the end you love going." - Anthony S. "I need to tell Jason what a great group session he runs." - Lewis S. "I would change my school hours around to go to Jason's group." - Mike R. "I feel so much better when I get out of this class. This class is the high point of my week." - John F. "Keep up the good work, Jason!" - Kevin K. "I just want to say, thank you Jason." - Jerry S.

"I would like to say that Jason Goodwin has been so instrumental in my progress. He is the only counselor that I was able to open up to and be 100% honest with. He has the uncanny ability to make you see who you really are without coming in with an agenda to distort who is at fault for all the poor choices we make as people. I am forever in his debt." - Dan T.

Table of Contents 1. Hope 2. Goals 3. Healing Techniques 4. Chemical Addiction 5. Sexual Addiction 6. Healing Sexual Addiction 7. Dealing With Pain 8. Relapse 9. Self-Sabotage 10. Body Image 11. Beyond Shame & Guilt 12. Depression 13. Grieving 14. The Inner Child 15. Deserving Love 16. Low Self-Esteem 17. High Self-Esteem 18. Powerlessness 19. Fear 20. Control 21. Anger 22. Betrayal 23. Trust 24. Forgiving 25. Values 26. Self-Care 27. Unhealthy Relationships 28. Respect in Relationships 29. Healthy Relationships 30. Staying Healthy

Introduction Sexual abuse means being forced to give or receive unwanted or inappropriate sexual touching, petting, fondling, oral sex, or intercourse. Sexual abuse happens to people of all ages, including children, adolescents, teenagers, adults, and the elderly. It occurs within every socioeconomic class and every religious group. Some perpetrators of sexual abuse have a known criminal history. Others serve our country in public office. Perpetrators of sexual abuse have included men and women working in the noblest of professions. Doctors, dentists, lawyers, alcoholics, addicts, neighbors, friends, girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives, parents, distant relatives, siblings, priests, janitors, teachers, movie-producers, politicians, and total strangers. There is no such thing as a stereotypical abuser in terms of profession, socioeconomic class, standing in the community, relation to the survivor, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation. Sexual abuse often continues to affect our lives and relationships long after the abuse has ended. Being sexually abused is always painful, always destructive to our selfesteem, and often difficult to heal. If you are reading this book, you may understand the gravity of this issue. For many of us, healing the pain of sexual abuse is a matter of life and death. I am an addictions therapist with a Masters Degree in Counseling and Human Services. I have worked with addicts in the criminal justice system, as well as DUI and Drug-Court offenders. I counsel teenagers and adults who are survivors of sexual abuse. But my most important qualification in writing this book is that I was sexually abused myself. For this reason, I understand these issues on a very personal level. My own abuse has contributed to the format of this book in some important ways. I have written the main body of each chapter from the perspective of a counselor in recovery. At the end of each chapter, I include journal entries from when I was personally working to heal each issue. There is a place to process whatever feelings come up for you and write about your own experiences. Most chapters end with exercises and a section called stepping stones to health. This last section is designed to help you identify how far you have come with the issues discussed in each chapter and assist you in determining which step or steps you may need to take in order to become healthy. I have also included a feelings table of contents. This section matches thoughts and feelings commonly experienced by survivors of sexual abuse with the chapters where those issues are addressed. Use the feelings table of contents if you find yourself experiencing some difficult emotions and want to turn directly to the chapters that may help you most in your time of need. Throughout the book, I use the term we when referring to our collective experiences as survivors of sexual abuse, but that does not mean I have personally experienced every issue I discuss. Everyones story is different. I have intentionally left out the details of my own abuse to help you remain focused on your own issues and your personal healing process. I would like the reader to know that my parents have been very supportive of me throughout my healing journey. Please make this book your own. Write in the margins, make notes to yourself, and personalize it as much as you like. Re-do the exercises and re-read each section as often as you need to. Continue to work towards healing, whether that takes a year or a

lifetime. Agree with me, disagree with me, but get involved and do the healing work. I hope this book will help you identify whatever issues you still struggle with. I hope you will make a commitment to overcoming them. After all, this work is for you. Throughout this book, I make occasional references to God. It is not my intention to alienate agnostics or atheists, and you do not have to believe in God to complete the exercises. It is my deepest hope that you will use whatever information you find to be a source of strength. Discard anything that does not fit for you. I urge you to take responsibility for your own healing process. You will likely identify with many of the issues presented in this book. Others will seem unfamiliar to you. Your healing process is your own. No two survivors are exactly alike. In the realm of sexual addiction, for instance, I believe that men are more likely to view pornography, while women are more likely to engage in prostitution. It is not my purpose to condemn the perpetrators of sexual abuse. Most perpetrators are survivors themselves. They experienced the same, intense feelings of powerlessness, shame, and anger that we did. Unfortunately, they chose to repeat the cycle of abuse. To break this cycle, we need to heal ourselves and take ownership of our pain. We must vow to never pass this pain on to others. You may be wondering, Am I ready to look at these issues? Am I ready to face this? I can tell you that I never felt ready to face the pain of sexual abuse. I chose to work on myself because I was tired of moving from one unhealthy relationship to the next. I was tired of feeling lonely and miserable. I was tired of being stuck. For most of my life, I believed that I would never be able to heal the pain of my past. I have attempted to address the issues most commonly experienced by survivors of sexual abuse in order of ascending difficulty. The first three chapters focus on how to approach this healing process. Chapter four begins the real work. I hope you will move into the more painful subjects slowly and carefully. It is important to address those deeper issues with plenty of support from counselors, family, friends, and self-help groups. It is important to remain safe during your healing process. Signs that you may be getting overwhelmed emotionally include crying for more than half an hour, feeling very depressed, experiencing recurring flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse, increasing drug/alcohol use, or feeling an increased desire to engage in other forms of self-destructive behavior. Recovery is a process, not an event. It is not realistic to believe that we can heal all of our issues in a single day, week, month, or year. Healing requires patience and a steady hand. It requires that we cultivate greater love for ourselves over time. We need to develop a gentle way to deal with our pain and our grief. If you start feeling emotionally overwhelmed, take a week off. Take some time to feel more centered and balanced again. Do something that calms your nerves and reduces your stress, like engaging in hobbies or getting lots of rest. This process will still be there for you when you come back to it. If you experience an increase in feelings of depression or anxiety, dont be afraid to seek professional help. This may include seeing a doctor or psychiatrist who can prescribe appropriate medication, or a counselor who can help you process your issues.

A close friend of mine committed suicide because she gave up hope and decided there was no way to escape the pain. But I want you to know, there is a way to heal. There is a way through the grief, the shame, and the doubt. Suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel suicidal for any reason, or know someone who is feeling suicidal, immediately contact a suicide hotline, a counselor, or the police to ensure your safety or the safety of the person involved. Survivors often suffer from broken relationships with themselves, with others, and with God. It is possible to heal these relationships by healing the sexual abuse. The key lies within each one of us. Its time to unlock that door.

Feelings Table Of Contents -I feel hopeless: A) Hope -I feel angry about sexual abuse or having no control: A) Grieving B) Fear C) Control D) Anger E) Betrayal F) Trust G) Forgiving -I feel angry with people because they betrayed me: A) Fear B) Control C) Anger D) Betrayal E) Trust F) Forgiving -I feel angry with God because of the abuse: A) Low Self-Esteem B) Anger C) Betrayal -I feel like abusing drugs/alcohol: A) Chemical Addiction B) Dealing With Pain C) Relapse D) Self-Sabotage E) Fear F) Control G) Anger -I feel like turning to addictive sexual behaviors: A) Sexual Addiction B) Healing Sexual Addiction C) Dealing With Pain D) Relapse E) Self-Sabotage F) Fear G) Control H) Anger -I dont want to get healthy: A) Dealing With Pain B) Self-Sabotage -I spend too much time alone: A) Dealing With Pain B) Relapse C) Self-Sabotage

D) Depression E) Grieving -I feel sad or depressed: A) Hope B) Goals C) Dealing With Pain D) Relapse E) Self-Sabotage F) Body Image G) Beyond Shame & Guilt H) Depression I) Grieving J) The Inner Child K) Deserving Love -I feel like a victim of my past: A) Dealing With Pain B) Inner Child C) Betrayal -I feel afraid: A) Goals B) Powerlessness C) Fear D) Control -I feel stressed or worried: A) Grieving B) Fear C) Control D) Self-Care -I feel bad about myself: A) Relapse B) Self-Sabotage C) Body Image D) Low Self-Esteem E) High Self-Esteem F) Forgiving G) Self-Care -I blame myself for having been sexually abused: A) Body Image B) Beyond Shame & Guilt C) Low Self-Esteem D) High Self-Esteem -I feel unworthy or abandoned: A) Depression B) Grieving C) The Inner Child D) Deserving Love

E) Betrayal F) Unhealthy Relationships G) Respect in Relationships H) Healthy Relationships -I feel lost: A) Hope B) Goals C) Depression D) Grieving -I feel vulnerable: A) The Inner Child B) Deserving Love C) Low Self-Esteem D) High Self-Esteem E) Betrayal F) Trust -I feel bad about my body: A) Body Image B) Beyond Shame & Guilt -I feel neglected: A) Deserving Love B) Low Self-Esteem C) High Self-Esteem D) Self-Care -I feel powerless: A) Powerlessness B) Control -I feel discouraged about relationships: A) Anger B) Betrayal C) Trust D) Forgiving E) Unhealthy Relationships F) Respect in Relationships G) Healthy Relationships -I feel ashamed or guilty: A) Body Image B) Beyond Shame and Guilt C) Trust D) Values -I feel resentful: A) Dealing With Pain B) Self-Sabotage C) Body Image D) Beyond Shame & Guilt E) Depression

F) Grieving G) The Inner Child H) Deserving Love I) Powerlessness J) Control K) Anger L) Betrayal M) Trust N) Forgiving O) Unhealthy Relationships P) Respect in Relationships Q) Healthy Relationships

Chapter 1 Hope Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a product of reality. -Jason Goodwin Hope, for survivors of sexual abuse, means believing that our lives will improve if we keep working on our issues. Its like that old saying. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But theres something I want to add to this saying, and I want you to remember it. If youre not getting lemonade, its because youre not squeezing your lemons hard enough. Sexual abuse can feel like a big pile of lemons. There have been times in my life when I felt too tired, too stressed, too discouraged, too hopeless, too angry, or too afraid to work on my issues. And the longer I avoided doing this work, the more painful my life became. Eventually, that pile of lemons started looking pretty good to me, because I wound up with a big pile of something else. Hope is the belief that if we keep working on our issues, they will get better, we will feel better, and eventually we will work through whatever issues we struggle with today. To begin this process, we must believe that we can heal. Some of us have felt so broken by the sexual abuse that we came to believe we could never heal our pain. Im a screw-up, we said. Look at my relationships. I let people walk all over me. I keep going out with people who disrespect me and abuse me. I feel so terrible about myself. I feel so damaged. I dont believe I can ever heal. Yet sexual abuse is simply a wound. A very deep, very painful wound. When we try to self-medicate our pain with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sexual addiction, pornography, prostitution, overeating, or a hundred other compulsive behaviors, this wound becomes infected. It is a wound that needs to bleed. It is a wound that needs great care if it is ever to heal. Chances are you are like me. You spent the majority of your life trying to run from this problem. You tried to cover it up or ignore it, hoping beyond hope that it would somehow just go away. But the truth is that sexual abuse issues do not just go away. We may have felt confused in the past. Even if we wanted to heal our pain, we may have been unsure of where to turn. There are few good books on the subject, and few counselors who deal effectively with the issues of sexual abuse. In todays society, there is a great deal of stigma attached to having been abused. Instead of healing, we try to ignore the way we feel, or attempt to numb our feelings with addictions and other compulsive behaviors. Some of us reached the place where we believed it was hopeless. The deck was stacked against us. We were sexually abused. Tainted. We would never heal these issues because it was impossible. We were doomed to repeating the same awful relationships and the same self-destructive behaviors for the remainder of our lives. There is something you need to know. You can heal the pain of sexual abuse. You can heal your life. It is possible. I promise that if you truly do some soul-searching, some crying, and some letting go, you will make progress. What you gain from this experience will depend on how hard you are willing to work. Personally, I held nothing back. I chose to keep learning and keep growing. Many of the ideas presented in this book may seem strange to you at first. Some of the exercises may seem too difficult.

But within these pages are the seeds of change. If your garden is full of rocks and the soil is too hard, it is difficult for those seeds to take root. The garden of our heart needs to be tilled. We need to nurture ourselves with the fertilizer of self-love and the sunshine of self-care. We must give our garden the water of knowledge and begin to pull the weeds of shame. A beautiful garden does not blossom overnight, but throughout the springtime of our healing process. Health and growth are cultivated over time. When we feel hopeless, we should ask ourselves, How did I get to this hopeless place? Have I felt a great deal of anger, sadness, pain, or fear in the past? Have I felt guilty or ashamed because of what happened to me? Have I felt that I was somehow to blame for the abuse? Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a product of reality. In truth, our lives are never hopeless. We can always grow. We can experience our feelings and change our behaviors. When we tell ourselves that life is hopeless, it is because we feel like giving up, not because life is ever, truly hopeless. So what can make us feel like giving up? Is it easier to try and avoid our pain? Is it easier to act out our addictions than to work through our issues? Have we been told by a family member, friend, or perpetrator that we should just, Get over it? Have we been told that the abuse was our fault, or that we were acting or dressing too provocatively? Perhaps we feel hopeless about a behavior we cant seem to change. We keep getting into abusive relationships or doing drugs. We keep engaging in addictive sex, spending money compulsively, or overeating. Maybe the negative patterns in our lives seem to repeat themselves endlessly. Hopelessness builds up in our lives when we fail to address the real issue. If we do not change our negative patterns, they will continue to hold us back. If we choose unhealthy partners, we end up in the same, unhealthy relationships. If we stuff our feelings instead of healing our pain, we continue to spiral downwards. Often the reason people remain trapped in their problems is because they refuse to take action. They refuse to change. It is possible to heal the pain of sexual abuse in the same way that we would work to heal any other issue. There is hope. The more you heal the stronger you feel, and the easier it gets.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Gaining Hope (My depressed voice): I have nothing to live for. I might as well sleep all day and not wake up. I feel depressed. My thoughts are all negative. Why do I feel so hopeless? I am tormented by the memory of sexual abuse. There is no changing the reality of my past. What happened to me was horrible, and sexual abuse continues to happen to people all over the world. There is no way to stop it. I will never overcome this. Life is so meaningless. Healing sexual abuse is too difficult. (My wise, inner voice): Dont believe that your life is hopeless. Thats your depression talking. Youre just thinking negatively about your past, your present, and your future. Stop doubting yourself and your ability to heal. You are afraid that you will never be free of this. That you will be dealing with this pain forever. But in truth, all pain is limited. All fears are eventually conquered. All issues are eventually resolved and a brighter future awaits you. You will overcome this. You will find the courage. You will regain your integrity, your confidence, and your self-esteem. You will feel better. You will have peace again. You will see the light. Your pain is not all powerful. You are powerful, eternal, strong, wise, and capable. As a child of God, there is nothing that can defeat you. You are stronger than sexual abuse. You are stronger than fear.

Process Questions In what ways have I felt hopeless about healing the pain of sexual abuse?

How do I look at my life when I feel hopeless?

How do I act when I feel hopeless?

What would make me feel more hopeful about healing the abuse of my past?

How can I process my issues (sit with my feelings, cry, get my anger out in a healthy way, do some journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc)

Exercise 1-1 Hope Affirmations -Say these things to yourself every day until you start to feel more confident and filled with hope. 1. Things in my life keep getting better, and every day I am getting healthier. 2. I am working through my issues. 3. I am succeeding. 4. I feel more confident and more hopeful every day. 5. I am stronger than my fear. 6. I am overcoming my problems. 7. I am feeling more energy, more inspiration, and more love. 8. I am becoming a bigger, wiser, stronger person.

Stepping Stones to Health Hope -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I am severely depressed and addicted to several substances or behaviors. I fear that my life will never improve. _____ 2. I have known people who have successfully worked through their sexual abuse issues, but I dont think I can. _____ 3. I am trying to learn more about sexual abuse, but I dont spend much time reading self-help books or working on my issues. _____ 4. I worked through an issue I was having, but it was scary. I dont want to change. Im used to the chaos in my life, and its easier for me to do nothing. _____ 5. I did something to heal an issue I was having and it made me feel better about myself. I realize that healing is possible if I am willing to work at it. _____ 6. I am getting tired of the chaos in my life. I know theres something better for me. Im tired of my addictions and my negative behaviors because they cause me a lot of pain. _____ 7. I want to change, but I still feel really confused. _____ 8. Im tired of the pain in my life, and I want to do something about it. But Im so addicted and depressed that I dont know where to begin. I dont know if I have the courage to do this. _____ 9. I have attempted to change an addiction or behavior and its difficult. Im experiencing a lot of feelings Im uncomfortable with. _____ 10. I have overcome an addiction or behavior and realize that there is hope for me. If I can heal one aspect of the sexual abuse, I can probably heal another. _____ 11. I have bought some books on healing sexual abuse, joined a support group, or begun counseling for my sexual abuse issues. I am starting to get serious about healing. _____ 12. I am committed to working through my issues. I know it will take time, but it can be done. I will spend whatever time I need to heal my pain, because I see how much it benefits my self-esteem, my relationships, and my life.

Chapter 2 Goals We cannot afford to give up on our goals, because we cannot afford to give up on ourselves. -Jason Goodwin Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to take our lives one day at a time. We need to focus on the problems we face today before we can address the problems that may arise tomorrow. Sometimes, when we are living in a period of intense crisis, we may even be better off living one minute at a time. Problems can feel overwhelming when we try to take on too much at once. Yet there comes a time when we need to plan for a better future. Without direction, our lives can feel meaningless. When we get trapped in this hopeless place, we only have ourselves to blame. Responsibility is the key to action, to hope, and to self-esteem. Yes, we need support from others. We may need God or our higher power to show us the way. But at the end of the day, it is still up to us. Its important to remember that the goals we set for ourselves should be realistic. I engaged in a year of intense self-examination before writing the material for this book. And before that, I was acting out my sexual abuse issues for over 33 years. When defining our goals, its important to keep in mind the challenges we face. Sexual abuse often leads to low self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual addiction, abusive and/or unfulfilling relationships, depression, flashbacks to the trauma or abuse, extreme emotional ups and downs, guilt, shame, fear, mistrust, poor self-care, feelings of powerlessness, deep feelings of pain and grief, a distorted body image, overeating, under-eating, anger at God, and feelings of hopelessness. Sexual abuse creates a lot of wreckage in our lives. Maybe our goal is to feel better. Maybe we want to be able to choose healthier relationships. Perhaps we strive to become more stable and reliable at work. Some of us want to stop experiencing flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse. We may be killing ourselves with drugs and alcohol, or endangering our health with risky sexual behaviors. Whatever our motivation, it is critically important that we set clear, realistic goals for our recovery. This book covers many of the issues we struggle with as survivors of sexual abuse, and while it is important to heal all of our issues eventually, we need to take our process at a reasonable pace to avoid getting overwhelmed. Having the patience to heal requires an unwavering commitment to the betterment our lives. Every goal is attainable as long as it is realistic. The key to goal attainment is perseverance. We cannot afford to give up on our goals, because we cannot afford to give up on ourselves. We deserve better. Healing sexual abuse operates on the concept of merit-based pay. We only get what we work for. There is no magic wand, and if we play a waiting game with these issues, we may find ourselves on our deathbeds some day with all of these problems still intact. I try to imagine the issues of sexual abuse as a sack of garbage we are carrying around with us. Until we finally choose to put it down and empty it out, that sack continues to fill. When it gets too heavy, we cant lift it anymore, and we break down emotionally.

Dumping my emotional garbage is the best feeling Ive ever had. To be able to get through the day feeling relatively carefree is an amazing gift. But it can only happen if we continually work to release our negative feelings. When we stop working our process, the garbage of our issues begins to refill that bag. I want you to look honestly at your life and try to identify if there are ways the abuse of your past still affects your life today. I want you to come up with goals for your recovery process. I want you to make a commitment that you will never give up. The goals we set for ourselves are the path we take out of despair and into a better future.

Exercise 2-1 Setting Goals -After reading the example on the following page, set at least 5 goals for your healing process. Possibilities might include having healthier relationships, going back to school, quitting an addiction, or improving your self-esteem. Try to expand each of the goals you set for yourself by answering the following questions. 1. What is my goal? 2. How would my life change if I were to accomplish this goal? 3. Is this goal realistic? Do I have a reasonable chance of success? 4. What are the steps I must take in order to bring this goal to fruition? (Think through every step you will need to take on your path to success.) 5. What are some of the things that might frustrate my attempts to reach my goal? (Think about obstacles or problems that may hinder your progress while you try to make this goal a reality.) 6. How much time will it realistically take to accomplish my goal? (Goals usually take longer than we think they will.) 7. How much money will it realistically take to accomplish my goal? (Goals often cost more money than we think they will.) 8. What kind of effort, patience, and persistence must I exhibit to accomplish my goal? 9. Can I make a commitment to following through with my goal, regardless of the obstacles or frustrations I will likely experience? Example of a Goal-Setting Exercise: What follows below is an overly ambitious example, but I hope it gives you an idea of how to break down our goals into simple tasks we can accomplish on a daily basis. A severely depressed person might answer the above questions in the following way. 1. My goal is to feel less depressed. 2. I would take better care of myself, make new friends, and get out more. I would feel happier, more productive, lose or gain weight, have a cleaner house, and feel increasingly motivated to succeed. 3. This is a realistic goal if I am willing to take better care of myself, exercise, work on positive thinking, become more socially active, take antidepressant medication, and pursue therapy. 4. Day one: I will set my alarm and get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. I will take a shower, comb my hair, change my clothes, and make myself look nice instead of sleeping in or moping around the house. I will take my dog for a walk and get out into the sunlight. When I get back, I will look in the yellow pages for a place to exercise. Day two: I will set my alarm and get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. I will do all the things I did yesterday. I will also call a gym about the cost of membership and visit that facility to pay my fees or determine how much money I will need to save. I will find a time that works for my schedule and start working out as soon as possible. Day three: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and do all the things I did for the past two days. Additionally, I will make a trip to the bookstore to purchase a book on positive thinking, such as The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. I will set myself a goal of reading one chapter every day before I go to work.

Day four: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay positive. I will contact a doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression. I will also contact someone I havent spoken to for a while and go out for dinner. Day five: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay positive. Additionally, I will follow through on my appointment with my doctor or psychiatrist and try a few different antidepressant medications to determine which one does the best job of lowering my depression. I will continue to take this medication until any side-effects wear off, and give each medication a fair chance of working. Day six: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all of the things I have been doing to stay positive. I will also check the yellow pages for a counselor qualified to treat depression, and set up my first appointment. Day seven: (Etc)

Process Questions What are some of the ways that my sexual abuse issues continue to negatively affect my life or my goals? (Relationships, self-esteem, career, family, sex-life, self-care, relationship with God, etc)

How do I feel about the ways the sexual abuse is negatively affecting my life and my goals?

What goals do I want to set for myself as I begin this healing process?

What good things might happen to me if I heal the pain of sexual abuse?

How can I process my feelings about the ways the sexual abuse has negatively affected my life? (Sit with my feelings, cry, release my anger in a healthy way, do some journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc)

Stepping Stones to Health Goals -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I have no goals for healing the sexual abuse. _____ 2. I would like to feel better, but I dont know where to start. _____ 3. I want to gain sobriety from an addiction or addictions. _____ 4. I want to have healthier relationships in the future. _____ 5. I would like to heal the pain of my past so that I dont feel so terrible all the time. _____ 6. I want to heal, but Im not sure if Im willing to do the work it takes to get healthy. _____ 7. I am committed to working through the pain of sexual abuse. My goal is to have healthy relationships in the future with myself, with others, and with God.

Chapter 3 Healing Techniques Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. -Hippocrates There are many techniques we can employ to assist us in healing the pain of sexual abuse. Instead of picking one or two, I urge you to consider them all, and use every tool that is available to you. This healing process may be the biggest challenge of your life. As survivors, the fear that we are somehow damaged or defective can actually interfere with our healing process. I resisted taking antidepressants for the first 33 years of my life because I fought so hard against the idea that there was something wrong with me. Never mind that depression runs in my family or that my grandmother took antidepressants for the second half of her life. Every morning, I woke up feeling depressed for no apparent reason. I had low appetite, weight loss, and all the symptoms of major depression. But I was in denial, and no one was going to give me crazy pills. No offense to myself, but I was being an idiot. My depression has a physical cause. As such, it demands a physical solution. I would have no problem wrapping gauze around a bleeding knee, so why was I having such a hard time taking a pill that would boost a natural neurotransmitter in my brain? About midway through my healing process, I decided to try antidepressants. My mother had been urging me for years to at least give them a try, and a nurse practitioner started me on a newer antidepressant with very low side-effects. For me, the difference was life-changing. I woke up in a normal mood, and could then experience good and bad days just like everyone else. Antidepressants do not make you happy. That is your responsibility. They simply correct a chemical imbalance in your brain so you can experience a normal range of emotions. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. Healing the pain of sexual abuse requires action. Positive thinking can help, but it is often not enough. We must demonstrate love for ourselves by utilizing all of the healing techniques available to us. To begin my list of techniques, I want to start with counseling. This book is not a replacement for therapy. Ideally, you would be working to process your issues with a therapist you see on a weekly basis. Counseling is an ideal opportunity to discuss your issues with someone who will listen to you, guide you, and encourage you without judgment. Your relationship with your therapist can be very helpful. I am a therapist myself, and I have been to therapy several times in my life. I hope you give yourself a chance to experience the therapeutic relationship. Going to counseling does not mean you are crazy. It just means that you have the courage to do something about your problems. (A note to counselors: I often use this book with clients who are survivors of sexual abuse. First, I ask the client to read a chapter on their own and complete the exercises. In the following therapy session, we take turns reading aloud and stop frequently to discuss how the material relates to that clients personal issues. We finish by discussing their answers to the process questions or the exercises.) If you were sexually abused, you may suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder. As described by the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), posttraumatic stress disorder occurs in people who experienced, witnessed,

or were confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others. The persons response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. It goes on to say that, the traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one or more of the following ways: 1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. 2. Recurrent distressing dreams of the event. 3. Acting or feeling as if the traumatic events were recurring. 4. Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event. 5. Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event. It says that there are, Persistent symptoms of increased arousal, as indicated by two or more of the following: 1. Difficulty falling or staying asleep. 2. Irritability or outbursts of anger. 3. Difficulty concentrating. 4. Hyper-vigilance. 5. Exaggerated startle response. I, like many of you, have experienced flashbacks to the abuse. There is a new technique available to people who suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming (EMDR). There are trained therapists who utilize in this technique, which works by synchronizing the left and right hemispheres of the brain. EMDR often results in a reduction in the frequency and intensity of flashbacks. Another healing technique I found to be helpful was acupuncture. When I was feeling very emotional or traumatized, I took full advantage of the free acupuncture that was offered to the employees where I worked. Acupuncture was a part of the recovery program for alcoholics and addicts, as it has been shown to significantly reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms when addicts are attempting to get sober. It also reduces stress. Deep relaxation is another excellent way to relieve anxiety. I often spend an hour in the evening listening to relaxing music. I use candles for mood lighting, and do deep breathing exercises until I feel very calm. I often feel more energetic and mentally focused the next day. To handle feelings of loneliness, I decided to get a dog. Waiting for me at the kennel was William Wallace, a three-month old miniature dachshund with a heart of gold. Throughout the last five years, Willie has sat on my lap as I cried and processed my issues. He has never failed to love me, and he has always been there for me when I needed him. He still puts a smile on my face. Willie is a little ball of energy, and is one of the warmest, most loving souls I have ever known. Another powerful tool in my healing process was the martial art, Tae Kwon Do. I experienced a lot of anger about having been sexually abused, and Tae Kwon Do gave me a positive, safe way to release my angry feelings. I experience a rush of endorphins when I do marital arts, and the norepinephrine (a neurotransmitter in the brain that is enhanced through exercise), helps to lift me out of depression and feel more positive. Any type of exercise that increases your heart rate for at least 15 minutes, three times per week, will have a similar effect on your body and your brain. In addition, exercise is a very effective method of relieving stress. Another important healing technique is engaging in healthy social activity. Going to church, having fun with a group of people who share common interests, or pursuing

our hobbies can make us feel more connected, more supported, and relieve feelings of loneliness and isolation. All of us need positive social interactions with others. Having friends and people in the community to share our lives with is essential to our well-being. Journaling has been a mainstay of my healing process. While I was working on sexual abuse issues, I wrote in my journal on an almost daily basis. To process all of my issues, it was essential for me to keep an open line of communication with myself. Journaling helps survivors of sexual abuse to work through the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, struggles, and fears that we experience. I have also gone for many, long walks. When difficult thoughts and feelings are swirling around inside my head, I need a way to release my energy. The physical motion of walking helps me to process and move through my issues. As I keep walking and keep moving, my thoughts, feelings, and issues keep moving as well. Finally, I want to discuss what I call emotional meltdowns. There are times when I have felt so powerless, so victimized, and so sensitive that I could not handle the stress of work. I never lost a job because of it. I never fell off the face of the earth, freaked out, or attempted suicide. But I did call in sick. It is important to recognize when you are feeling overwhelmed and take time to take care of yourself. Call it a wellness day if you like, but be good to yourself and be kind. Survivors of sexual abuse have to handle some very intense challenges. It isnt always easy to face our trauma and our fear. Thats why we need a back-up plan. Make sure you know what to do if you get into emotional trouble. Have the phone numbers of people you can call in case of emergency. Seek help from therapists, doctors, or even the police. If you know your limits, you can plan accordingly, and this healing process does not have to negatively affect other areas of your life.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Healing Sexual Abuse I have wanted to get into a relationship, thinking it would magically solve my problems. But that is crazy thinking. What causes my depression, self-hatred, fear, anger, low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness? It is the pain of sexual abuse. The only solution is to heal my pain. Hiding behind a relationship or an addiction will never solve my problems. How can I heal the pain of sexual abuse? 1. By Loving Myself 2. By Grieving 3. By Letting Go Of The Past 4. By Allowing My Feelings 5. By Stopping My Self-Sabotage

Process Questions What are some of the misguided ways Ive tried to handle the pain of sexual abuse in the past? (Using drugs/alcohol, avoiding the issue, relying on people in intimate relationships to make me feel better about myself, prostitution/pornography, etc)

How well have these misguided approaches worked for me? Did they ever cause more problems than they solved?

What are some healthy techniques I can use now to heal the pain of sexual abuse?

What is one thing I can start doing differently right away that will help me feel better about myself?

Stepping Stones to Health Healing Techniques -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I do not use any healing techniques to work on my sexual abuse issues. _____ 2. I have tried to think positive about my situation in the past. _____ 3. I have bought or read self-help or informational books on the subject of sexual abuse. _____ 4. I have employed journaling, the process of writing down my thoughts and feelings, to help me work through my sexual abuse issues. _____ 5. I have spoken with other survivors of sexual abuse and exchanged ideas on how to cope with my issues. _____ 6. I have used exercise as a means of helping myself feel more emotionally stable. _____ 7. I have used meditation, acupuncture, spirituality, or other means of healing. _____ 8. I have used medication, when necessary, to help me deal with depression or other mental health issues. _____ 9. I have seen or am seeing a therapist, and am using EMDR or other therapeutic techniques to help overcome my post-traumatic stress disorder. _____ 10. I am willing to use every healing technique that is available to work through my sexual abuse issues, and I recognize that each one has something unique to offer.

Chapter 4 Chemical Addiction People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim. -Ann Landers Chemical addictions are often the result of prolonged physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. Most of us drink or use drugs because we want to change the way we feel. Other times, we drink or use because we want to numb out and feel nothing at all. Low self-esteem is common in people with chemical addictions. People with high self-esteem do not drink, slam, snort, smoke, or eat themselves to death. Low selfesteem makes it easier for us to engage in these self-destructive behaviors. Getting drunk and vomiting blood is not a good time. Selling our bodies to get money for dope is not a party. Suffering from bronchitis for months on end because we cant quit smoking is not fun or relaxing. Chemical addictions are a way to hurt ourselves, not to help ourselves. I know many of you never thought of your drug or alcohol use as self-destructive, but the truth is, we do not continue to drink or use addictively when we care about our health. Some of us spent so many years self-medicating with alcohol and drugs that we lost touch with our feelings. When we get sober, we may experience a flood of emotions or have difficulty feeling anything at all. Whenever we drink, smoke, slam, or snort, we are trading our health and selfesteem for the rush of a quick high. On a subconscious level, many of us are trying to numb our pain and punish ourselves at the same time. What I have learned in my years as an addict, and later an addictions counselor, is that our true motives are; 1) to feel better, 2) to feel nothing at all, or 3) to injure or kill ourselves. When I discuss the death instinct with my clients, they invariably react with shock and denial. Im not trying to kill myself, they claim. I want to feel better. I like drinking/smoking/snorting. It makes me feel good. But it doesnt feel good to wake up in a strangers bed because we blacked out and lost control of our sexual urges. It doesnt feel good when we sell our personal belongings or borrow money from friends or relatives to get our next fix. Most of us dont start out that way, but as our addictions progress, we eventually find ourselves doing many of the things we said we never would. Addictions grow increasingly destructive the longer we continue to drink and use. The signs of self-destruction are everywhere in an addicts life. Our performance at work is suffering. Our relationships are falling apart. Our health is deteriorating. We become trapped in a destructive, downward spiral. When an addict says that drinking or using makes me feel good, what theyre really saying is that feeling nothing at all is better than the pain they usually feel. Its time to put to rest the illusion that our addictions can help us heal our pain. Addictions cannot and do not heal emotional pain. In fact, they actually prolong it. I often tell my clients that feelings want to be felt. While it may seem strange to personify our feelings, its true. When we deny our feelings or try to suppress them, they only build up inside of us. Our emotional burdens grow heavier the longer we continue to act out our self-destructive behavior.

Eventually, we may experience a nervous breakdown. Raw, nervous energy explodes from within. We cry, scream, act hysterical, and lose touch with reality. There is a way out, and the solution is simple. Feel your feelings. When you feel angry, release your anger in a healthy way. Martial arts, exercise, or talking with someone about the way you feel are all healthy ways to express anger. When you feel sad, allow yourself to cry or grieve the loss you have experienced. Of course, there is a reason we suppressed these painful feelings in the first place. Painful emotions can seem overwhelming. We may need to set a limit on how much we allow ourselves to experience at any given time. We may need to tell ourselves, Today, I am going to allow myself to cry for 30 minutes. After that, I will put my feelings aside for a while and do something else, like running or gardening. We may need to spend time with friends or go to an AA/NA meeting. Try to find supportive people in your life that you can rely on during the difficult times. Allowing ourselves to feel our pain can seem frightening at first, but eventually, that pain passes through us and out of us. Emotions are not a bottomless pit. Many people have committed to a recovery program, allowed themselves to experience their painful emotions, and become healthier as a result. Dont be afraid to ask for help. AA/NA meetings, sponsors, therapists, family, and friends can be great sources of support. If things get really difficult and you need to check into a hospital or rehabilitation center for a while, thats okay. Most of us need help overcoming our addictions. Recovery is worth the effort. People who work a truly effective recovery program learn to accept their feelings. They are animated and alive because when theyre happy, you know it, when theyre sad, they show it, and they dont feel guilty about having feelings anymore. Theres no shame in crying. People who allow themselves to cry are the most vital and alive people I know. Im not suggesting that we need to cry all the time. Just that we need to be genuine with our emotions. If we feel like crying, cry! If we feel like laughing, laugh! This human journey is processed on an emotional level. When we stop feeling, we stop living. There is help for recovering alcoholics and addicts. If you dont know where to begin, try looking under Alcoholism or Drug Abuse in the yellow pages. There are Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings in virtually every community in the Western World. I started binge-drinking at the age of ten because it helped me to numb the emotional pain of the abuse. I remember slamming tall glasses of wine and whiskey with the boy who lived next door. His father was an alcoholic, and there was more liquor in that house than anyone could keep track of. The warm, fuzzy feeling I got from alcohol made my pain go away for a little while. By the time I enrolled in high school, I was an every-day drinker. I would take a flask of hard liquor to school, hide it in my locker, and sip it throughout the day. At 15, I tried my first cigarette and experienced a dizzy, heady feeling. That first cigarette tasted terrible, but I liked the way it made me feel. Like most addicts, I have a family history of addiction. Alcoholism runs on my fathers side. Science is discovering that there is a large genetic component to addiction. My substance abuse was an attempt to escape from the pain of sexual abuse and to escape from reality. I believe we use addictions to avoid negative feelings, and as a

survivor of sexual abuse, there were many feelings I wanted to avoid. Anger, fear, depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I had no control over my life. As a therapist, I have learned that avoidance doesnt work. Its pointless to try and avoid our feelings. Every time we drink or use, we pay the price, and the further our addictions progress, the higher that price becomes. Eventually, we have to sacrifice our jobs, significant others, families, self-esteem, self-respect, or even our freedom to continue to drink and use. I remember drinking a sixteen-gallon keg of beer with a couple of friends on the day of a big, college football game. That evening we drove to another party and I smoked marijuana with a stranger I met there. At some point during my drive back to the dormitories, I found myself staring up at a stoplight with no recollection of how I had gotten there. I realized that I was going to kill myself or someone else, so I pulled off to the side of the road and passed out. I awoke the next morning face down in a pool of vomit. I was never arrested for DUI, even after sleeping the entire night passed out along the side of a busy street. But at that point, I finally began to realize what I was doing to myself. I finally began to realize how dangerous I had become. For a long time, I drank whiskey and smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. Eventually I developed bleeding ulcers and began to vomit blood on a daily basis. I realized that if I didnt change my habits, I was going to kill myself, so I decided to cut back on drinking and even quit smoking for a few months. For the longest time, I couldnt understand why I always used alcohol to medicate feelings of depression. After all, alcohol is a depressant. Yet eventually, I figure out why alcohol worked for me. When I was drunk, I felt relaxed. And the more relaxed I felt, both physically and mentally, the more I was able to let go of whatever was making me depressed. The end result? I was a happy drunk. People with depression often turn to alcohol to try and forget their worries. Unfortunately, alcohol just gives us one more thing to worry about. Depressed alcoholics go into a self-destructive tailspin that ends in jail, institutions, and death. All addictions are a trap. My true drug of choice, even more than alcohol or marijuana, was nicotine. People laugh when I tell them this, because cigarettes are legal and so common. What many people fail to realize is that nicotine has powerful anti-anxiety properties. I remember how peaceful, safe, and carefree I felt after smoking. It took away so much of the anxiety I was feeling. Smokers reach for a cigarette whenever they feel stressed, nervous, anxious, or angry. And nicotine works incredibly well at reducing those feelings for a short period of time. Unfortunately, the chemicals in cigarettes eventually shrink a mans testicles and make him infertile. Smoking can lead to impotence in men which results from a decrease in blood circulation. Women who smoke during pregnancy may give birth to low birth weight babies. Smoking contributes to ulcers, lung cancer, and heart disease. But most smokers already know the risks. In my case, I was counting on them. Smoking made me feel powerful and in control. I was angry with God for the abuse I had experienced as a child. I didnt want to live in a world that was so cruel. Smoking seemed like the perfect solution.

I realize now that I was smoking to medicate feelings of anxiety and kill myself at the same time. I wanted to be more powerful than God. If God wanted me to live, than killing myself with cigarettes was the perfect way to rebel against Him/Her. There were times in my life when I really did want to quit, but my anger, fear, and a desperate need to feel in control of my life continued to fuel my addiction. I tried to quit smoking fifteen times before I was finally successful. And even then, I became so depressed that I left my job and temporarily moved back in with my parents. To willingly give up the feelings of power and control I had gotten from smoking cigarettes was the hardest thing Ive ever done. I realize now that smoking cigarettes was also a way to keep myself miserable. It had become a sick way to punish myself for having been abused. Sometimes I took pleasure in knowing that it was killing me. Deep inside, I believed that only bad little boys or girls got sexually abused. I decided that I must have done something terrible to deserve what had happened to me. I used to believe that people got what they deserved. Now I understand they do not. None of us deserve to be abused, and we are not bad because of what happened to us. Its time to let go of the way they treated us and start taking responsibility for the way we choose to treat ourselves. I am an addictions counselor and I can tell you that most people cant quit their chemical addictions without help. Inpatient facilities and outpatient counseling programs can help get us started on the road to recovery. Later, support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and faith-based self-help groups like Celebrate Recovery can help us to maintain our recovery process. When I first quit smoking, I felt emotionally raw for a full year. But being sober helped me get in touch with feelings I had been avoiding for years. It took time, but I slowly began to feel better about myself. My self-esteem began to improve. Over time, I learned the true meaning of feeling good. In the past, our abusers exploited our weaknesses and attacked our self-esteem. At some point, we came to believe that we deserved their abuse. We may have even taken over for our abusers by disrespecting and abusing our own bodies. Its time to get the abuser out of our head. When it comes to addiction, we are the only ones who can stop the abuse.

Exercise 4-1 Identifying Chemical Addictions Self-Test -This is a self-test I developed for addicts to help identify the extent of our addiction to alcohol and drugs. Check any of the characteristics that apply to your drug/alcohol use. _____ 1. I wind up using more drugs/alcohol than I planned to. _____ 2. I slam, guzzle, or smoke to get high more quickly. _____ 3. I often use drugs/alcohol with the intention of getting wasted/drunk. _____ 4. I sometimes use drugs/alcohol when Im alone. _____ 5. I have needed more alcohol or drugs to get drunk/high. _____ 6. I have hoarded drugs/alcohol or kept a private stash. _____ 7. I have concealed the amount or frequency of my drug/alcohol use from family or friends. _____ 8. I have lied about drinking or using to others. _____ 9. I have engaged in illegal behavior as a result of drinking/using. _____ 10. I have had problems with certain relationships as a result of drinking/using. _____ 11. I have done things I said I would never do as a result of drinking/using. _____ 12. I have often drank/used as a reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, discomfort, or stress.) _____ 13. I frequently thought about the next time I was going to drink/use. _____ 14. I planned for my drinking/using in advance. _____ 15. I spent money on alcohol/drugs that was needed for other things. _____ 16. I have had difficulty staying sober, even when I really wanted to. -The scoring for this self-test is as follows: 0-4 - Some problems with drug/alcohol use 5-9 - Early stage of addiction 10-14 Middle stage of addiction 15+ - Late stage of addiction When is it time to get help? The answer is, the sooner we get help, the sooner our lives can improve. As our addictions progress, the damage they cause to our self-esteem, our physical health, our emotional well-being, our relationships, our career, our spirituality, our values, our morals, and every other area of our lives continues to increase. -Some of the ways we can work to become healthy include: 1. Letting the people who care about us back into our lives. 2. Becoming honest with others and ourselves about our addiction. 3. Making amends to those we have harmed in the past with our behavior. 4. Attending AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings every week so we can ask for help and receive support from other recovering alcoholics/addicts. 5. Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect. 6. Making a commitment to getting our lives in order legally, financially, personally, and in relationships. 7. Reconnecting with our goals for the future. 8. Taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

9. Trying to see the good in all things. 10. Being open to the wisdom of others and applying that wisdom to our lives. 11. Learning to respect others and ourselves. 12. Accepting our feelings and allowing ourselves to feel both the good and the bad. 13. Exercising to help us feel more stable and release feelings of anger or frustration. 14. Becoming more organized so we can get more of what we want out of life. 15. Becoming active instead of passively waiting for things to happen to us. 16. Supporting others in recovery and giving something back.

Process Questions How have my chemical or behavioral addictions affected my life? (Alcohol, cigarettes, illegal drugs, eating, gambling, etc)

How do I feel about the ways my chemical or behavioral addictions have affected my life?

How would it benefit me to overcome my addictions?

What might prevent me from seeking help for my addictions?

What are the steps I can take to overcome my addictions? (Going to AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings, reading books on addiction recovery, checking myself into a drug/alcohol/addiction rehabilitation center, working with a counselor, etc)

Stepping Stones to Health Chemical Addiction -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I use alcohol or drugs regularly, but I do not feel that I have a problem. _____ 2. My alcohol or drug use is beginning to have some negative effects on my relationships, financial well-being, family, career, or self-care, but I do not feel that I have a problem. _____ 3. My alcohol or drug use has led to legal problems (DUI, possession of illegal drugs, minor in consumption) or I have been incarcerated, but I still do not feel that I have a problem. _____ 4. I am beginning to recognize that my alcohol/drug use is causing problems in my life, but I do not want to quit. _____ 5. My situation keeps getting worse. My family, friends, or significant other tells me I have a problem and I know that I do, but I dont want to quit. _____ 6. I am beginning to experience health problems (kidney pain, ulcers or stomach cramps, cirrhosis of the liver, weight loss or weight gain, loss of hair, loss of teeth, etc) but I still do not want to quit and I dont really care what happens to my body. _____ 7. I realize that if I dont quit my addiction to alcohol/drugs, I will die, and I want to live. _____ 8. I have decided to work on my addiction or addictions but I dont know where to start. _____ 9. I have picked up some reading materials on overcoming addictions and am studying them. _____ 10. I have attended AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings or begun counseling/rehabilitation for my drug/alcohol issues. _____ 11. I hear what theyre saying, but Im still not sure I want to quit. I havent found a better way to cope with my negative feelings than using drugs or alcohol. _____ 12. I am learning that there are better ways of coping with negative feelings than using drugs or alcohol and I am learning those techniques. _____ 13. I am beginning to use these better ways of coping with my problems, including exercise, journaling, deep relaxation, talking about my feelings, going to AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings, prayer, talking to my sponsor when I feel like drinking or using, etc _____ 14. I feel that I really want to stay sober and improve my life. _____ 15. I am beginning to see the positive effects of sobriety on my mood, my willingness to take responsibility, my self-care, my self-esteem, my relationships, and the overall quality of my life. _____ 16. I am motivated to continue to do whatever it takes to stay sober, because I know from other recovering addicts that my life will continue to improve as long as I continue to work my recovery program.

Chapter 5 Sexual Addiction Sexuality is colored by our emotions and experiences. -Jason Goodwin Survivors of sexual abuse often develop sexually addictive behaviors. Sex addicts hire prostitutes, compulsively view pornography, or seek out shallow, sexual encounters. I used to believe that engaging in these addictive behaviors might somehow cathartically help me to release my issues. But in truth, those behaviors only caused me greater shame. Sex is a highly personal, emotionally charged act. Most of us experience intense feelings during lovemaking. Sexuality can be like a beautiful flower, blooming in wonder and magnificence. But when a flower is open to the sun, it is also vulnerable to the storm. Opening our hearts can lead to great pain. Trusting others means taking a risk. Sometimes people will love us deeply and enrich our lives. Other times, they will abuse us or betray us. Most of us feel vulnerable during the sexual act, whether its with someone we love or someone who is abusing us. Sexuality is colored by our emotions and experiences. As humans, I believe that sex is the closest we can come to the act of creation. For that reason, sexuality is one of our most cherished gifts. When sex is violent, abusive, or forced on an unwilling participant, it is a violation of something we hold very dear. When someone wants to hurt us, they desecrate what we cherish most. Some abusers threaten to hurt us or our families in an attempt to force us to commit acts that are against our will or our morals. Some of us react to the trauma of sexual abuse by identifying with the abuser. We want the kind of power the abuser seemed to feel when he/she sexually abused us. Later in life, we feel drawn to sexual situations that make us feel powerful and in control. We may even engage in behavior that involves degrading or humiliating a partner sexually. Others react to the trauma of sexual abuse by becoming the victim. We convince ourselves that we deserved to be abused. We come to believe that we exist only for the gratification of others. We choose partners who victimize us, humiliate us, and exploit us. This pattern leads some survivors into lifestyles of prostitution, stripping, or pornography. It is difficult to explain the pain of sexual abuse to someone who was never abused in this way. Whats the big deal? they ask. Its only sex. Sometimes family members wish we would just get over it. Others try to blame us for the abuse because we were acting too seductively, flirting with an abuser, or because we never told anyone about it. But the truth is that most of us never had the power, as children or adults, to prevent what was happening to us. Healthy sexuality is a bigger part of our identity than many of us realize. People who were sexually abused often react with an enormous amount of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual pain. I believe that we feel proud of our ability to create life. Our abusers attempted to distort this beautiful gift and turn it into a cruel weapon. Some of us began to fear sex.

We learned that sex can be an explosion of rage rather than an expression of love. We learned how sex can become an addiction, used only for self-gratification or power. After having been sexually abused, our beliefs about sexuality can change for the worse. Some of us learned to imitate our abusers by separating the sexual act from love. We learned to meet our own sexual needs at the expense of others. We began to use sex as a medication to change the way we felt. We began to see others as sexual objects instead of the human beings they truly are. In the end, we wound up abusing ourselves. Many of us subjected ourselves to sexually abusive situations and relationships without even realizing it. As survivors of sexual abuse, it is essential to unlearn whatever negative things we came to believe about sex. We must challenge every act of cruelty that was perpetrated upon us. Sex is only fulfilling when it is mutually respectful and done out of love. Healthy sex was meant to be an equal exchange, without one person gaining power or control over the other. Sex should always be consensual or it is abuse. Human beings are not sexual objects. We are made of light and love. None of us deserve to be abused. When we lose ourselves in sexual addiction, we are lost in the values and beliefs of our abusers. Acting out sexually cannot lead us to greater health or happiness. When we continue to engage in sexually addictive behaviors, we continue to degrade and devalue both ourselves and others. As sex addicts, we often develop shallow, hyper-sexual relationships because we want to avoid true intimacy. We use others for sex, and encourage them to use us in the same way. Sexual addiction can make loving relationships impossible. Substituting sex for love can actually prevent us from ever getting the love we truly need. Addictive sex is not love, and sexually addictive relationships are not about love. As sex addicts, we may experience a lot of sexual pleasure, but are often starving for the love we truly need. Sexual addiction can destroy love. When one partner cheats on another, the trust in that relationship is often destroyed. If one partner acts out his/her addiction to prostitution or pornography, he/she can grow distant and lost in their addiction. The partner of a sex addict may also begin to grow emotionally and sexually distant. Sexual addiction is disdainful of love. As our addiction progresses, we begin to see others as sexual objects or drugs we can use to get high. Sexual addiction reduces a human being to an object of desire. Over time, we feel increasingly guilty and ashamed of our behavior. Actions speak louder than words. We will only feel better about ourselves when we abstain from addiction. We must allow our feelings to happen instead of medicating them with sex. Its time to examine and challenge any unhealthy beliefs we still hold. In doing so, we begin to regain our true selves, our integrity, and our fidelity.

Personal Journal Entries Entry#1: Acting Out Sexually In the past, I felt attracted to partners who had been sexually abused because they were struggling with the same issues that I was. On some level, I felt that I was reliving the abuse every time I had sex with another survivor. I realize now that I often mistook feelings of fear, terror, and trauma for sexual excitement and lust. My whole body would shake. It felt as if we were on the same wavelength, re-experiencing the abuse. That kind of sex wasnt healthy, but it was a big rush. For some reason, it felt very pleasurable and addicting. Sex became a self-destructive ritual I used to vent my feelings of anger, fear, and rage. The abuse of my past had created a well of powerful, negative emotions inside of me. I would view pornography, hire prostitutes, go to strip-clubs, sleep around, and get into relationships with other survivors of sexual abuse. My need to release these pent-up emotions felt overwhelming at times. Yet I always knew that my behavior was unhealthy. Like any other addiction, my misuse of sex grew increasingly destructive over time. In the end, sexual addiction only led to greater pain.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Fear of Being a Sexual Object Im afraid of being used for sex. Why am I so afraid? If all my abusers wanted was sex, than that must be all Im good for. Im a sexual object with no value. Im a sex toy. There is nothing good inside of me. All they wanted was my skin. All they wanted was my flesh. I feel so empty inside. I feel so devastated. They never treated me like I was human at all. Im so afraid. I dont want to be an object.

Exercise 5-1 Identifying Sexual Addiction Self-Test -This is a self-test I developed to help identify the degree of our addiction to sex. This test is not valid for teenagers. Sometimes teenagers engage in the behaviors listed below because they are irresponsible, not necessarily because they are sex addicts. Some of these characteristics apply more often to men and others apply more often to women. Check any of the characteristics that apply to your adult sexual behavior. _____ 1. I often think about having sex with multiple partners. _____ 2. I have hired prostitutes for sex. _____ 3. I have engaged in providing sexual services (prostitution or pornography) for money. _____ 4. I have spent money on sex, prostitution, or pornography that was needed for other things. _____ 5. I frequently thought about the next time I would hire a prostitute. _____ 6. I frequently thought about the next time I would view pornography. _____ 7. I have often turned to sex as a reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, depression, stress, or discomfort.) _____ 8. I have rejected relationships with people who would not provide sex frequently enough or would not engage in certain sexual behaviors. _____ 9. I have had problems with certain relationships as a result of my sexual behavior. _____ 10. I have done things I said I would never do as a result of my sexual desires. _____ 11. I have engaged in illegal behavior to satisfy my sexual needs. _____ 12. I plan ahead and save money for prostitution or pornography. _____ 13. I feel shame or guilt about my sexual behavior. _____ 14. I have difficulty refraining from sex, prostitution, or pornography even when I really want to. _____ 15. I have lost control of my sexual desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship with 1-2 times in my life. _____ 16. I have lost control of my sexual desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship with 3 or more times in my life. _____ 17. Having sex or viewing pornography makes me feel like Im in control of my problems. _____ 18. I have gotten a sexually transmitted disease or diseases from having unprotected sex. (Examples: Hepatitis, herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc) _____ 19. I feel ashamed or proud of the large number of people I have had sex with. _____ 20. I sometimes physically shake in anticipation of sex or sexual gratification. _____ 21. I have sometimes used sex as a substitute for love. _____ 22. I feel sexual desire for almost anyone who approaches me in a sexual way. _____ 23. I will engage in almost any sexual act if it increases my pleasure. _____ 24. I sometimes use alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to make my sexual pleasure more intense. _____ 25. I have had sex with multiple partners at the same time. _____ 26. I wear tight or revealing clothing to attract sexual partners. _____ 27. I dont feel good about myself unless people are attracted to me sexually.

_____ 28. I am willing to do things that feel humiliating or degrading to please a partner sexually. -The scoring for this self-test is as follows: 0-7 Some problems with sexual behavior 8-14 Early stage of sexual addiction 15-21 Middle stage of sexual addiction 22-28 Late stage of sexual addiction When is it time to get help for sexual addiction? As soon as we recognize its become a problem in our lives. Sex addicts can get help by working through sexual abuse issues, improving their self-esteem, attending 12-step groups, reading self-help books, and seeing a counselor to discuss issues of sexual addiction.

Chapter 6 Healing Sexual Addiction All addictions lead to negative consequences. -Jason Goodwin As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us feel that something was taken away from us. We were overpowered, taken advantage of, or forced to engage in sexual acts against our will. Sexual abuse can lead to unhealthy beliefs about who we are, what we are good for, and what sex is all about. Some of us reacted to the trauma of sexual abuse by approaching sex. We learned to medicate our fears by developing patterns and behaviors that made us feel safe and in control. We avoided committed relationships so we could move from one partner to the next any time we wanted. A night of casual sex held no commitments, no obligations, and no expectations for true intimacy. We kept a stash of money so we could hire a prostitute or go out any time of the day or night. We turned to pornography because it made us feel that we were in control over when, how, and how often we expressed our sexual feelings. Some of us reacted to the trauma of sexual abuse by avoiding sex. This was an attempt to avoid what we feared. We didnt want to talk about sex or think about it. We had difficulty developing relationships, because we were always trying to avoid sexual intimacy. We were afraid of anyone who wanted to have sex with us. We feared that every potential partner wanted to abuse us. For some of us, avoiding sex took the form of overeating. We intentionally made ourselves unattractive. Our fear of sex became so strong that we tried to shut off our sexual feelings or pretend that we were not sexual beings. Unfortunately, neither of these approaches leads to control. A sex addict will become a slave to his/her urges, and people who avoid sex often end up feeling lonely and unfulfilled. Healthy sex lies somewhere between the extremes. It is unhealthy to avoid sex, but also unhealthy to seek it out obsessively. Sexual addictions can turn into a fantasy about power. We fantasize that we can have anything or anyone we want. For many of us, our desire for sexual power and control is a reaction to how powerless we felt when we were being abused. Sigmund Freud described reaction formation as a defense mechanism in which a person avoids one position by taking a polar opposite position. As sex addicts, we avoid the feeling of sexual powerlessness we experienced during the abuse by seeking total power and control over our own sexual behaviors. Some of us become trapped in this unhealthy reaction to the abuse. We turn to sexually addictive behaviors whenever we feel powerless for any reason. Any time our jobs seem too difficult, or things in our life arent going according to plan. Instead of facing our negative feelings and working through them, we turn to our sexual addiction to try and restore feelings of power and control. Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. It can lead to greater intimacy and make us feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally. Its a great stress reliever and can create positive changes in our brain chemistry.

Dopamine is the primary pleasure chemical in the brain. When we experience orgasm, the level of dopamine that is active in our brain doubles. We feel a rush of pleasure, not unlike the rush people experience when using stimulant drugs like nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, or methamphetamine. It is my belief that some of us become addicted to the physical rush of pleasure that occurs during sex. For some of us, sex becomes a physical, as well as psychological high. To heal, we must not overlook the physical component of our addiction. If we are addicted to pleasure chemicals released by our brain during orgasm, we need to abstain from having multiple orgasms. If we have unhealthy beliefs about sex we use to justify or rationalize our addiction, we need to re-examine our beliefs and challenge whichever ones are self-defeating. In my experience as a counselor, I find that sex addicts often become crossaddicted to other stimulant drugs, like caffeine, nicotine, cocaine, or methamphetamine. Some sex addicts snort cocaine or use methamphetamine in order to engage in prolonged sexual acts with a partner or to achieve multiple orgasms. As sex addicts, we will only overcome our fear of sex, and our obsessive need to control it, by healing the pain of sexual abuse. Most people who never experienced sexual abuse do not have the same fear of sex. They do not avoid sex, nor do they seek it out compulsively. They experience balance in their sexual lives. We too can experience this balance if we make a commitment to heal. Women often experience sexual addiction differently than men. Female sex addicts go to bars, sleep around, or hook up with partners in internet chat-rooms. For many women, sexual abuse can lead to a great deal of confusion about their sexuality and how quickly they should have sex in a relationship. They may feel a lot of pressure to have sex on the first date. Many women have a hard time walking that fine line between flirting enough to keep a mans interest and becoming sexual too quickly. This is a double standard that our culture applies to women. Women are encouraged to be highly sexual in some situations, but pure and chaste in others. Female sex addicts are often labeled by our society in negative ways, but tend to receive a great deal of positive attention from men. Prostitution is a lifestyle that promises large financial rewards, but leads to major problems. One of my female clients told me that prostitution was one of the most liberating, powerful, and lucrative occupations shes ever had. Other female clients told me they experienced a great deal of shame and guilt about engaging in this behavior. In general, I find that all addictions lead to negative consequences. The client who told me how liberated and powerful she felt as a prostitute wound up spending all of her money on methamphetamine. The adult entertainment industry promises large financial rewards, but can also be very damaging to the participants. Some porn stars consent to being abused onscreen for money. They agree to perform humiliating, degrading, or even sexually abusive acts because they suffer from low self-esteem. To break the cycle of abuse, we must learn to never abuse others or ourselves. This means we do not allow others to exploit or abuse us sexually, and we never abuse or exploit our sexual partners.

It is normal to feel angry about what happened to us, but we need to find healthier ways to release our anger. When we abuse others or ourselves, we only create more pain and fear, more shame and guilt. As sex addicts, some of us tried to substitute sex for love. During the abuse, we were given sex when we actually wanted love. As a result, some of us began to confuse the two in our minds. We may have tried to convince ourselves that sex was love. But sex is not love, and it cannot satisfy our need for love. Sexual addiction can actually prevent us from ever getting the love we truly need. While sex is a poor substitute for love, it can feel better than neglect. If an abuser used us for sex, we may have thought, Well, at least he/she wanted me for something. We decided that being wanted for sex was close enough to being loved. But its hard to feel good about ourselves when were being used. Its hard to feel good about ourselves when we are starving for the love we truly need. Being loved is an affirmation of who we are, not just what were good for. Women who were sexually abused sometimes turn to prostitution, stripping, or the adult entertainment industry because feeling wanted for sex can feel better than neglect or abandonment. But Johns dont care who we are. They only care about the sex we can provide. When its obvious that others dont care whats inside of us, we begin to feel empty. We may begin to fear that the contents of our hearts will never be recognized or validated. We need to feel loved. We need to be held up and cherished for who we are, not just what were good for. We are human beings, with our own hearts and minds. We do not exist for the fulfillment of another persons desire, but because God recognizes our true value and wants us to live. Is it good enough to be a sexual object? Real people are worthy of love. Real people are worthy of respect. How can we make this transition from object to person? When engaging in sexually addictive behaviors, we dont want our sexual conquests to be people at all. We want them to be objects. We want them to be shallow, superficial, hypersexual, and eager to please. We want them to be empty. We dont want to know how theyre feeling. Sex addicts usually feel powerless and harbor a lot of pain. Sexual providers are hurting too. Yet both try to deny the pain they feel inside. An object doesnt have feelings. Thats why we treat others and ourselves as objects. Instead of owning our pain and working through it, we pretend that we feel nothing. To heal this wound within our soul, we must learn to nourish ourselves, love ourselves, and allow ourselves to feel. We are human. We cannot hide from the pain inside of us. Theres nowhere to run. Pain is only as powerful as we allow it to be. When we allow ourselves to release our painful emotions, our addictions grow weaker with time. Given enough healing, we can overcome our addiction to sex.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Sexual Addiction and Broken Relationships When I was abused, I wanted love but received only contempt. Over time, I grew tired of always wanting something I could never have. So at the age of nine, I began to substitute something I could have. Something I could control. Over time, my relationships became increasingly sexual in nature. I kept trying to convince myself that sex was just as good as love. I tried to convince myself that sexual intimacy was just as good as emotional intimacy. But sex without love is unfulfilling. I was lying to myself. I experienced a lot of sexual pleasure, but was void of emotional gratification. Sex always left me wanting more. My sexual addiction was an effort to convince myself that I didnt need true love and intimacy in my life. I had never received the kind of love I wanted during the abuse, so I tried to convince myself that I didnt need it as an adult. But I do need love. In the past, not getting the love I needed was agony. The pain was too much to bear. So I tried to substitute anything I could to numb the pain. Even when I knew it wouldnt work. Even when I knew it was a lie. Even when I knew I was only hurting myself. The agony of trying to live without love fueled my denial, my failed compensations, and my hopelessness. Without love, I am lost. I realize now that my past, failed relationships were the result of my sexual addiction. In the past, I made stupid, illogical choices. Choices that were based on getting sex, because I thought thats all I wanted. I overlooked or ignored the important parts of a relationship. Things like love, trust, intimacy, and support.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Quitting Sexual Addiction Sexual addiction is of group of sexual behaviors that lead to obsessions, compulsions, and shame. Reasons to quit my sexual addiction: 1. I dont want to feel so ashamed of myself. 2. I dont want to feel so out of control. 3. I dont want to keep hurting my self-esteem. 4. I dont want to hurt others. 5. I dont want to abuse my power. 6. I dont want to keep reliving the pain of sexual abuse. (My sexually addictive behaviors feel like re-enacting the abuse.) 7. I want to treat others and myself with love and respect. 8. I want greater sexual integrity. When sexually addictive thoughts or feelings surface in my mind, I will repeat the word no over and over again. I will remove and avoid all triggers for addictive sex (pornographic materials, places where I engaged in sexually addictive behavior, etc...)

Exercise 6-1 Reprogramming Sexual Beliefs This is a list of commonly held, false beliefs about sexuality. Each is followed by a healthier alternative. 1. Sex is an explosion of rage, and a way to vent my angry feelings. -No, sex is an expression of love. It is a way to give others joy or pleasure. 2. Its okay to meet my sexual needs at the expense of others. It doesnt matter if I neglect their feelings, betray them, or use them for sex. -No, it is never okay to meet my sexual needs at another persons expense. I need to give my sexual partners respect and always consider their feelings. 3. Having many shallow, sexual encounters makes me powerful. -No, having many shallow, sexual encounters makes me a sex addict. 4. Having many sexual partners means I am desirable. -No, having many sexual partners means that I dont feel I deserve to get the love I need in a safe, healthy relationship. 5. I will use sex to make myself feel better. -Sex is not medicine. If I often feel depressed, anxious, nervous, or upset, I need to seek counseling, get medication for depression or anxiety, and learn to express my feelings in a healthy way without always turning to sex. 6. If I have sex with enough people, I will feel better about having been abused. -No, the more promiscuous I become, the worse I will feel about myself.

Process Questions How healthy were my past sexual experiences?

How do I feel about the way I have expressed myself sexually?

If I expressed my sexuality in an unhealthy or addictive way, what would I like to change?

What steps could I take to quit my unhealthy sexual behaviors? (Go to a 12-step meeting, work on sexual abuse issues, journal about my feelings, take medication for depression or anxiety, talk to a counselor, change my beliefs about sexuality, etc)

How will stopping my unhealthy sexual behavior improve my self-esteem?

Stepping Stones to Health Sexual Addiction -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I am a sex addict, and I dont want to change. _____ 2. I have experienced some discomfort with the way I express myself sexually. _____ 3. I have had some consequences (financial problems, problems with relationships, problems with self-esteem, contracted a sexually transmitted disease, lost respect for myself, felt guilty or ashamed, committed adultery or criminal behavior), but I still dont want to quit. _____ 4. I am unhappy with my sexual behavior and I want to change, but I dont know where to begin. _____ 5. I have read self-help books or looked for information about sexual addiction. _____ 6. I am actively working on my sexual abuse issues, and this is helping me to understand my unhealthy sexual behavior. _____ 7. I have attended a 12-step meeting or my first counseling session and am beginning to discuss issues of sexual addiction. _____ 8. I am willing to do whatever it takes to change my addictive sexual behavior.

Chapter 7 Dealing With Pain One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles Survivors of sexual abuse often experience a lot of pain. Most of this pain is emotional in nature, and can be very intense. At some point, we may have discovered ways to avoid our pain. We may have numbed our feelings with alcohol, drugs, or other compulsive behaviors. Pleasure seeking is normal to an extent. We all enjoy an occasional chocolate sundae or a vacation lying on the beach. This behavior only becomes unhealthy when we go to extremes or do things that hurt others or ourselves. At some point, pleasure seeking turns into pain avoidance. We compulsively seek pleasure to mask the terrible pain we feel inside. When we try to avoid our pain by going to extremes with pleasure, our pain actually intensifies over time. We create new hurts and new wounds. If we were sexually abused, turning to an addiction to numb our pain is like trying to cover a lethal wound with a band-aid. It seals in the dirt and the germs. Without proper care, our wounds begin to spread. They may engulf areas of our lives that were once healthy. Unresolved pain can consume our self-esteem, our energy, our emotional stability, our sobriety, our relationships, and our health. When we are wounded, we need to cry. We need to release our pain, our grief, and our sorrow. What follows is an exercise that may help you identify any wounds from the past you still need to heal.

Exercise 7-1 Identifying Pain -Try to identify any past or current sources of pain in your life. Think about each entry, and place a check by any of the items that still cause you pain. Pain From Past Or Current Abuse: _____ 1. Pain From Sexual Abuse _____ 2. Pain From Physical Abuse _____ 3. Pain From Emotional Abuse _____ 4. Pain From Verbal Abuse _____ 5. Pain From Mental Abuse (Mind Games) _____ 6. Pain From Spiritual Abuse (Misuse of Spiritual Authority) _____ 7. Pain From Abandonment _____ 8. Pain From Neglect _____ 9. Pain From Disrespect _____ 10. Pain From Abusive Criticism Pain From A Past Or Current Loss: _____ 1. Loss Of A Loved One _____ 2. Loss Of A Romantic Relationship _____ 3. Loss Of A Job _____ 4. Loss Of A Friendship _____ 5. Loss Of Safety Or Security _____ 6. Loss Of A Way Of Life _____ 7. Loss Of Self-Esteem _____ 8. Loss Of A Belief-System _____ 9. Loss Of Your Dreams _____ 10. Loss Of A Belief That This World Is A Safe Place _____ 11. Loss Of Money/Financial _____ 12. Loss Of A Home/Residence/Security _____ 13. Loss Of Your Childhood/Grew Up Too Fast _____ 14. Loss Of Health/Functioning Pain From A Past Or Current Relationship With: _____ 1. Spouse Or Significant Other _____ 2. Family Member _____ 3. Yourself _____ 4. Your Spirit _____ 5. God _____ 6. The Opposite Sex _____ 7. Ex-Husband/Wife/Boy/Girlfriend _____ 8. Society _____ 9. Boss _____ 10. Co-workers _____ 11. Teachers _____ 12. Authority Figures

Pain From An Unfulfilled Desire For: _____ 1. Safety/Security _____ 2. Self-Esteem _____ 3. Enough Money _____ 4. Good Relationships _____ 5. Good Job _____ 6. Stronger Spirituality _____ 7. Better Sex-Life _____ 8. Love _____ 9. Loving Parents _____ 10. Happy Childhood _____ 11. Safe Touch _____ 12. Intimacy Pain From Fear: _____ 1. Fear Of Death _____ 2. Fear Of Loss _____ 3. Fear Of Abuse _____ 4. Fear Of An Abuser _____ 5. Fear Of Trauma _____ 6. Fear Of Violence Pain From Being Judged In The Past Or Present: _____ 1. For Your Race _____ 2. For Your Gender _____ 3. For Your Sexual Orientation _____ 4. By The Church/Judgmental Pastors _____ 5. For Being An Addict _____ 6. For Not Being Perfect _____ 7. By Your Parents _____ 8. For Being A Survivor Of Sexual Abuse Pain From Past Or Current Conditional Love: You Can Have My/Our Love: _____ 1. If Youre Perfect _____ 2. If You Make Me/Us Happy _____ 3. If You Shut Up _____ 4. If You Keep The Secret _____ 5. If You Dont Show Your Feelings _____ 6. If You Do It Right _____ 7. If You Dont Challenge Me/Us _____ 8. If You Play The Game _____ 9. If You Get Good Grades _____ 10. If Youre Working _____ 11. If You Do What I Say _____ 12. If You Take Care of Me

Pain From Past Or Current Conditions: _____ 1. Addiction _____ 2. Mental Health Issues (Depression, Anxiety, etc) _____ 3. Physical Appearance _____ 4. Obesity _____ 5. Other Health Conditions - List: _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ It can take time to develop the strength and courage we need to face our pain. Ironically, it is often the pain of our past traumas that rob us of the strength we need to heal. We may have felt weak and powerless in the past. We may have felt like victims of circumstance. When we feel too weak or afraid to face our pain, we abandon hope. We stop caring about ourselves, neglect our needs, and place ourselves in situations where, subconsciously, we know we will be abused. Some of us learn to hate our own weaknesses so much that we begin to victimize ourselves. We develop a victim pattern or mindset. We become trapped in despair. Its as if were on the bottom of the ocean with the weight of a thousand tons of water pressing down on top of us. When we finally allow ourselves to feel our pain, we may start to think of all the ways weve been hurt in the past. We project our fears into the future and believe that bad things will happen to us again. We convince ourselves that we will lose another job or become trapped in another abusive relationship. The more we think about the ways we were victimized by people or circumstances in the past, the more depressed and despondent we become. We create self-fulfilling prophecies by subconsciously attracting people we know will abuse us. We exhibit body language that tells others we are victims. When we feel like victims, we often look like victims too. We slouch and thrust our shoulders forward to protect our heart. We shuffle our feet, look down at the ground, and avoid eye contact. Fear is like a storm. Its as if the clouds have gathered and weve heard the thunder rolling in. Before too long, were all wet. Shivering in the cold, we stare up at the heavens, expecting to be struck by a random bolt of lightning. We get trapped in a victim mentality when we believe we will continue to be abused and there is nothing we can do to stop it. We feel weak and powerless. We have a single-minded focus on the negative. We keep repeating self-destructive behaviors and attracting negative outcomes for our lives. What is the way out of this mindset? What is the way through the storm? How can we get past this fear that ravages our bodies, minds, and emotions? Fear of victimization is fear of pain. And unfortunately, pain is a necessary part of life. There is no way to avoid feeling some pain. Painful things have happened in our past. Painful things will continue to happen in our future. Yet it is often the pain in life that pushes us to grow. As any mother will tell you, giving birth can be extremely painful. But most mothers will also tell you it was worth it. How could the miracle of life exist without the pain of birth?

Pain is always temporary. It will heal with enough time, attention, love, and care. We do not have to remain trapped in our pain. It is important to recognize when we are feeling like victims. Sometimes we feel victimized by abusers, abusive relationships, people that deceived us, parents that abandoned us, or jobs that didnt work out. And though the circumstances of our lives can seem painful and demoralizing, we need to remember that we will only become trapped in our negative emotions if we try to avoid them. Our fear of the pain is often worse than the pain itself. When we feel afraid, we should allow ourselves to physically shake. When we feel sad, we should allow ourselves to cry. It is only when we accept and allow our negative feelings that we can move through them. The process of facing and releasing our pain moves us from a victim mentality to a more balanced, positive way of thinking. Its important to take this process slowly and carefully. We want to avoid trying to do too much at once. We need to take whatever time is necessary to move through our pain and our grief in a safe and gentle way. We need to remember that emotions are simply energy in motion. Pain is an energy that passes through us and out of us when we allow ourselves to feel it. Healthy ways to work through our pain include talking to a non-judgmental friend, AA/NA sponsor, pastor, or counselor about how we feel. We can journal about our feelings and allow ourselves to cry. How would it feel to be free from the pain of our past? Would we become happier? Would we get our lives back? Could we recover from addiction? Could it lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships? When we stop feeling like victims, we stop looking like victims. We stand up straight with our shoulders back. We take full strides, hold our heads high, and make eye contact with whomever we meet. Allowing ourselves to feel our pain and move through it is an investment in our future. When we allow ourselves to release the pain we feel, we begin to grow, change, and move forward with out lives.

Exercise 7-2 Positive Ways To Deal With Your Pain 1. Allow yourself to cry and feel your pain alone or with a supportive family member, friend, pastor, or counselor. 2. Talk about your pain with a supportive family member, friend, pastor, or counselor. 3. Journal or write about your pain, and get it out on paper. 4. Write a letter to your abuser that expresses your true feelings, and decide later whether or not you want to deliver it. 5. Express and release your pain in artistic ways. Music, woodworking, sculpting, painting, and dancing can be very positive emotional outlets. 6. Build your pain out of clay, then smash it, break it up, and tear it apart. 7. Learn how others dealt with their pain through spiritual study. Analyze stories from the bible like the book of Job. 8. Learn to spend 15 minutes a day just feeling your pain and not blocking it in any way. 9. Work to transform your pain into positive goals for your future. Try to learn from your painful experiences, and use them to transform your life into something more positive. 10. Work to transform your pain into positive goals for your relationships. Use the painful experiences of your past to define what you want and dont want from your future relationships. 11. Understand that pain is limited. When we allow ourselves to feel and release our pain, we will eventually get through it.

Chapter 8 Relapse Recovery is a process, not an event. -Alcoholics Anonymous To relapse means to return to active addiction after making a commitment to a recovery program and lifestyle change. Relapse can happen to the most committed recovering alcoholic/addict. The purpose of this chapter is to reassure you that a relapse is not the end of the world. Many people use a slip as an excuse to return to active addiction. Difficult emotions are scary. Thats why we suppressed them for so long with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex. The truth is that we cant avoid our negative feelings. When we try to suppress them, they build up inside of us like water behind a dam. Removing the control valve of our addiction can lead to a flood of emotion. When I quit smoking cigarettes, I felt angry and depressed for a full year. This flood of emotion can seem unsettling at first, but in time that flood becomes a stream, and the stream becomes a trickle. If our true goal is health and sobriety, then a relapse is simply a bump in the road. When we have made a commitment to improving our lives, we immediately return to abstinence from the drug or behavior we are trying to quit. We cannot allow our addiction to keep us from the health and prosperity we deserve. Were not perfect, and healing is not some straight line out of suffering and into health. In an ideal world, there would be no relapse. In an ideal world, we would be able to quit an addiction and have no problem holding firm to our decision. But for most of us, thats not the way it works. Recovery is a process, not an event. There can be times when even our best intentions will not keep us sober. With a strong trigger like running into an old drinking/using friend or the death of a relative, we may begin to crave alcohol, drugs, food, or sex again. Guilt and shame are poison to our recovery process. Its important to forgive ourselves when we relapse. We need to give our recovery process another chance. Keep believing in yourself, even if you relapse. Never use a relapse as an excuse to return to active addiction. Repeat after me: I am not perfect. I am only human. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and thats O.K. I am going to get back on my feet and keep moving in a positive direction. I am becoming a stronger, healthier person. I will never give up on my recovery process because I deserve better. Recovering addicts often experience a big, empty hole in their lives when they first quit an addiction. Addictions usually grow larger over time. In the later stages of addiction, we may reach the point where our entire life and everything in it revolves around the drink, the drug, or the behavior. People sometimes grow bored in recovery and wonder what they can possibly do to fill that void. Recovering alcoholics and addicts sit and stare at the wall instead of returning to the hobbies and activities they used to enjoy. Boredom can lead to relapse when we dont give ourselves enough time to adjust to our new, healthier lifestyle. There are many fun, exciting things we can do in recovery that do not involve drinking, using, food, or sex. We need to rediscover these hobbies and activities.

Some of us fall into nostalgic thinking. We fantasize about the good old days, and begin to glorify or romanticize the past. We remember the good times we had but forget about the problems our addictions caused. We need to grieve the loss of our addiction just as we would grieve the loss of a loved one. Yes, we depended on it. We turned to it, and it was always there for us. But our relationship with our addiction was dysfunctional. In the end, the addiction took more than it gave. It deceived us and hurt us. It damaged our health, and may have robbed us of our freedom. At first, sobriety can feel like a loss. The loss of our ability to control the way we feel. Yet with time, sobriety becomes an opportunity. An opportunity to regain everything our addiction took from us. An opportunity to create new relationships and new goals for our future. To dream in ways that we could never have dreamed while we were drinking, using, or acting out our addictive behaviors. Recovery is the struggle between a part of us that wants to use and a part of us that wants to remain sober. We will never be cured. There will always be a part of us that wants to drink, use, or act out. So the key is to constantly strengthen the part of us that wants to stay sober, and constantly weaken the part of us that wants to return to those old behaviors. Strengthening our sober side is a matter of going to treatment, AA/NA meetings, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, writing about our feelings in a journal, asking for help from other recovering addicts, and engaging in our spiritual practices. In fact, anything we do that makes us physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually stronger will help us to remain sober. Weakening our addicted side is a matter of avoiding the drink, the drug, or the behavior and the places where that behavior took place. We need to avoid the bar, the drug-dealer, old friends who continue to drink or use, businesses that sell pornography, strip clubs or brothels, fast food restaurants, or casinos where we spent money compulsively. We need to change the way we think about our lives. We need to refocus on the positive and give less power to the negative. We need to become more grateful for our many blessings. Its important to recognize when our addictive thinking is telling us its okay to drink, use, or act out just one more time. When our addictive mind tells us, You dont have a problem, or that, Your problems are everyone elses fault. Over time, we realize that everything our addictive mind tells us is a lie. Relapse is more likely when we are stressed out or feeling weak. When the part of us that wants to use and the part of us that wants to remain sober are almost equal in strength. At times like this, we may feel like using one day and staying sober the next. During these times of struggle, we need to do everything we can to strengthen the sober part of us. It might be time to go to an AA/NA meeting or talk with our sponsor, supportive family members, or friends. We may need to engage in healthy activities to refocus ourselves on the positive aspects of life. The more we encourage our inner self, the more effectively we can work our recovery process.

Process Questions Have I relapsed on a chemical or behavioral addiction in the past?

How did it feel when I relapsed on a chemical or behavioral addiction?

Have I ever used a relapse as an excuse to give up? Have I ever used it as a justification to return to active addiction?

What good things will happen to me if I keep working to overcome my addictions?

How will my self-esteem improve if I stay sober?

Stepping Stones to Health Relapse -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I have relapsed on a chemical or behavioral addiction in the past, and I quit trying to stay sober. _____ 2. I have failed at recovery before, and I feel very discouraged. _____ 3. I have had some success with my attempts to quit a chemical or behavioral addiction, but I keep relapsing and Im not sure that I can ever stay clean. _____ 4. I get angry with myself when I relapse, and I feel very ashamed or guilty. _____ 5. I am beginning to realize that I cant control myself. I am addicted to a particular substance or behavior. _____ 6. I no longer criticize myself for relapsing. I learn from the experience, avoid the triggers that made me want to use, avoid the situations that led to my relapse, and press ahead with my recovery program.

Chapter 9 Self-Sabotage People get comfortable with their lifestyle, no matter how negative or painful it may be. -Jason Goodwin Sabotaging ourselves means taking something in our life that is working or moving in a positive direction and intentionally messing it up. It is a habit that keeps us sick, keeps us miserable, but ensures that we dont have to change or experience anything new. People get comfortable with their lifestyle, no matter how negative or painful it may be. As a general rule, we dont like change. Even when we discover that our addictions or behaviors are prolonging our pain. Chaos can become a way of life. Pain can begin to feel normal over time. If misery is all we have ever known, than happiness or success can seem frightening or dangerous. It is easier to repeat our patterns than to change them. What is comfortable and normal according to the standards of how we were raised may actually be abusive or harmful to our bodies and our self-esteem. If we grew up in families of alcoholism or addiction, we may have learned that heavy drinking or drug use was the normal or even expected behavior. We may have grown up believing that we couldnt possibly be alcoholics, because everyone drinks to get drunk. Some of us learned to sabotage ourselves on a regular basis in order to keep ourselves down. This pattern seems to be more common in people who grew up in families of addiction and abuse. Over time, we began to believe that chaos was normal. We came to believe that everyones life was filled with abusive relationships, drugs, and alcohol. We learned to feel most comfortable when our lives were out of control. Any attempt to become healthy is uncomfortable at first. There will always be a part of us that wants to return to our old lives and our old behavior. Our new routine can feel so strange or foreign that we may want to drink, use drugs, or sleep around again so we can revisit what were familiar with. We need to resist this urge. Many of us who were abused as children or grew up in a chaotic home environment started drinking, smoking pot, or sleeping around in an effort to numb our pain. Its important to remember that even our addictive behaviors felt uncomfortable at first. Most smokers will tell you they coughed, hacked, and felt sick after their first cigarette. But over time, they became addicted. The down-sides of smoking became less important than the high. It can take years to get comfortable with the pain of addiction and abuse. For those destructive patterns to eventually feel normal to us, we had to adapt and adjust to them, just as we have to adapt and adjust to our newer, healthier lifestyle. When we give ourselves the time to heal, our new, healthier patterns eventually feel more comfortable than the self-destruction of our past. I am currently ten years sober from nicotine. My lungs are strong again and I no longer suffer from bronchitis. I feel so much better about myself and the direction of my life. Recovery takes time. Real change always does. If you find yourself relapsing or sabotaging your new, healthier lifestyle, take heart. You can learn to recognize and reverse those self-destructive patterns. What helped me the most was having a label for what I was doing. Calling it self-sabotage helped me to see this issue more clearly.

Over time, we begin to identify our own, sick beliefs about why we dont deserve to be happy. Patterns of self-sabotage are often perpetuated by feelings of low selfesteem and a belief that we deserve to be punished. As our self-esteem improves, we start to challenge those unhealthy beliefs and behaviors. We start to challenge our crazy thinking. We deserve to be happy. We do not need to sabotage ourselves and our lives. Sabotaging ourselves can take the form of returning to the active phase of addiction. It can include isolating ourselves or neglecting our physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual needs. Sometimes we get into unhealthy relationships or stay in relationships that dont work. We focus on the negative side of life, knowing it will make us depressed. We feel ashamed of our past and certain that our future will be the same. Sometimes, we dont allow ourselves to have fun. We feel that we have to be constantly working. Self-sabotage can take the form of neglecting our spiritual life or our connection with our higher power. The opposite of self-sabotage is self-care. Its not enough to stop hurting ourselves. We need to give ourselves the love, nurturing, and support that we deserve.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Ending Self-Sabotage -I can heal or I can sabotage myself. What has made me want to sabotage myself in the past? 1. Anger that I had no control over being abused. I need to allow myself to feel angry about the abuse without hurting myself or others. I need to sit with my anger and allow myself to feel it. I must learn to release my anger in healthy ways, like exercising or hitting a punching bag. If I feel hurt, I need to cry and be aware of the pain I am feeling. I need to allow that hurt to pass through me and out of me. If I feel afraid, I need to allow myself to physically shake. If I feel sad, I need to let myself cry. These feelings are not going to kill me. 2. Over time, I began to feel comfortable with the pain of sexual abuse. When I sabotage myself, a part of me is trying to return to the way I used to feel. I need to allow myself to be uncomfortable with the changes I am making. -What are some of the ways I tend to sabotage myself? 1. Isolation: I keep myself alone and lonely. This has been a sick means of recreating the feelings of abandonment I experienced as a child. By isolating myself, I punish myself for having been abused and perpetuate my belief that I dont deserve to be loved. 2. Not taking care of myself: I stop taking care of my needs for food, sleep, exercise, or social activity. I neglect those needs out of self-hatred, and claim that I dont care about myself. 3. Choosing or staying with partners who dont love me: I choose partners that are emotionally unavailable, disrespectful, or even abusive. This reinforces my belief that I dont deserve to be loved. It reinforces my low self-esteem. Even when I recognize that a partner has become abusive, I still cannot bring myself to leave them. 4. Focusing on the negative aspects of life, knowing it will make me depressed: I have often focused on the negative side of life. This has been an effort to make myself feel depressed, and has turned into another sick form of self-punishment. 5. Living in the past or projecting negative outcomes into the future: Instead of living in the present, I ruminate about all the horrible things that happened in my past. I imagine all the ways that I will be miserable and unhappy in the future. This keeps me feeling hopeless and depressed. 6. Not allowing myself to have fun: I avoid fun activities and do not allow myself to appreciate hobbies, games, social activities, work, and life. I try to punish myself for being a bad person. 7. Turning to cigarettes, alcohol, or other addictions: I use addictions to numb my feelings and sabotage my healing process. I hurt my body or abuse myself because I dont like who I am. I dont believe that I deserve to be healthy. When I shut off my painful feelings with addictions, I am preventing the changes Im afraid of. -What happens when I self-sabotage? 1. My self-esteem drops like a rock, because every form of self-sabotage is a form of self-abuse. 2. I start to feel hopeless and depressed. I need to let go of my addiction to misery. I have used self-sabotaging behaviors to avoid feelings of anger and fear.

When I was abused, I survived by never allowing myself to feel angry or afraid. I could not show anger towards my abusers or they would have punished me by abusing me more viciously. I could not show fear because I never wanted them to know how deeply their abuse was affecting me. I do not need to suppress my feelings of anger or fear anymore. If Im afraid, I can sit and shake. If Im angry, I can yell when Im alone or punch a punching bag. I will not allow these feelings to destroy me from within. They are toxic, and they need to be released.

Process Questions In what ways have I sabotaged myself in the past?

How does it feel when I sabotage myself? What feelings am I trying to cover up or avoid? What is the payoff for my self-destructive behavior?

How might my life improve if I were to stop sabotaging myself?

When I feel a lot of anger or fear, what could I do instead of sabotaging myself? (Go to a 12-step meeting, do some exercise, punch a punching bag, cry, spend time with my pet, sit with my feelings, spend time with friends, do some journaling, talk about it, etc)

How has self-sabotage kept me from getting what I want out of life?

Stepping Stones to Health Self-Sabotage -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. Whenever I start doing well in life, I sabotage myself. _____ 2. If I feel upset or am reminded of the bad things that happened in my past, I sabotage myself. _____ 3. I realize that I tend to sabotage myself, but I dont know how to change these self-defeating behaviors. _____ 4. I dont like it when I sabotage myself. _____ 5. I want to stop hurting myself and making myself miserable. _____ 6. I have identified some of the ways I tend to sabotage myself. _____ 7. I have identified some of the feelings I experience when I sabotage myself. _____ 8. I am exploring my feelings by journaling, talking about them in 12-step meetings, with others in recovery, or with my counselor. _____ 9. I am learning that I need to feel my feelings instead of sabotaging myself. _____ 10. I dont sabotage myself as much as I used to, and I am learning better ways to express my feelings. _____ 11. I can now identify when Im sabotaging myself and stop these self-defeating behaviors.

Chapter 10 Body Image Outside show is a poor substitute for inner worth. -Aesop Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a distorted body image. This pattern appears to be more common in women than in men. Our western culture places a great deal of emphasis on feminine beauty. Most of the men I have spoken with do not feel this same pressure to look good. Survivors of sexual abuse often experience a lot of pain. We are upset about what happened to us and we want to know what or who is to blame for the abuse. Some of us blame the abuser, which is the most rational and healthy approach. Unfortunately, there are those of us who blame ourselves. This is both detrimental to our self-esteem and often leads to feelings of shame and guilt. In psychology, we call this an attribution error. As survivors, we blame our own characteristics for what happened to us instead of the characteristics of an abuser. Sometimes we imagine, If only I hadnt looked at him that way, he wouldnt have come on to me, or, If only I had been a better son, she wouldnt have molested me. But in truth, we never had that much control. We are good people. We do not deserve to be abused. What happened to us was not our fault. Sometimes we blame our bodies for the abuse. If we were abused as children, we may come to believe that sexual predators are only attracted to pretty little girls or handsome little boys. We try to blame our appearance for the abuse. Some adult, female survivors of childhood sexual abuse believe they have to look like little girls to be attractive to a man. They lose weight or try to reduce the size of their breasts and hips. They act and dress in ways that make them look younger. But healthy, adult men are attracted to full-figured, adult women. Blaming our body for the abuse is illogical. It isnt only pretty little girls or handsome little boys that are victimized by sexual predators. Handicapped people and the elderly are often taken advantage of sexually. How is this possible? Why would a sexual predator want to abuse someone who wasnt young and attractive? Because sexual abuse isnt just about sex. It is also about power. The sexual abuse we experienced may have had very little to do with our bodies or our appearance. Some of us blame our bodies because we are too afraid to blame the abuser. If our abuser was a family member, it may have felt easier or more comfortable to blame ourselves. Sexual abuse can destroy a family. When it is discovered that one member of the family is molesting another, that family is often ripped apart. For this reason, children often feel a great deal of pressure to keep quiet and keep the secret. We must realize that there is no cause and effect relationship between who we were and what happened to us. If we had been pretty little girls with fathers who respected women, we would not have been sexually abused. If we had flirted with a boyfriend who was a gentleman, we would not have been raped. If our mother had been worthy of our trust, she would not have molested us. Release your blame, your shame, and your guilt. There is nothing you could have done to deserve the abuse. Your abuser is responsible for his or her actions, not you.

Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse stop seeing themselves as attractive. At one end of the spectrum, we overeat or become obese in an effort to make ourselves unappealing to the opposite sex. This may be an attempt, either consciously or subconsciously, to prevent further abuse. We may think to ourselves, If Im not attractive, no one will want to rape or molest me. Of course, overeating is a self-destructive pattern that can turn into an addiction. It can become a compulsive means of avoiding what we fear. Like all other addictions, it is unhealthy. Overeating can lead to obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and early death. Some of us overeat in an effort to create bodily defenses against further abuse. Hiding behind layers of fat can feel like wearing a suit of armor. Yet in truth, safety and security are a state of mind, not a state of body. We deserve to be healthy, not obese. If we wish to defend ourselves against further abuse, it is much healthier to study martial arts or practice self-defense. These approaches empower us to protect ourselves in proactive ways. They can help us get in better shape physically, mentally, and emotionally. As we practice self-defense, we gain confidence, begin to feel greater control over our bodies, and become more capable of defending ourselves against any further attempt to abuse us. I find that practicing martial arts helps me release the ongoing anger and frustration I feel as a survivor of sexual abuse. It helps me to feel more stable and sane on a daily basis. On the opposite end of the spectrum are people who eat very little or vomit their food in an attempt to stay thin or attractive. Some survivors of sexual abuse only received love and attention when their abuser wanted sex. They came to believe that the only way to get love and attention from others was to be sexually attractive. These survivors often have sex too quickly in a relationship for fear that their partner will reject them. Again, this is an attempt to avoid what we fear. Obsessive dieting, under-eating, or intentional vomiting are all highly self-destructive behaviors that lead to premature death. There is help for people with eating disorders, and therapists who specialize in their treatment. You deserve to be healthy, not vomiting your food or starving your body. Becoming obsessed with physical beauty often comes from a desire to gain greater power and self-esteem. When people notice how we look or are clearly attracted to us, it can make us feel better about ourselves. We may feel powerful and in control. But ultimately, striving for physical beauty is not a way to heal the pain of sexual abuse. It is a poor solution at best and can become self-destructive at worst. Plastic surgery, breast-enhancements, collagen lip-injections, or unnecessary liposuctions to reduce weight in all but severe cases of obesity are extreme measures. Undergoing a procedure of this type is often a sign of low self-esteem, not a cure for it. Self-esteem comes from feeling good about the real you. There are many, healthy ways to improve the way we look and feel. Obsessing about physical beauty is not the answer. The most important thing to remember is that our body is not the problem. There are many body types that are beautiful. In fact, the very concept of beauty is different in every culture. We may have blamed our bodies for what happened to us. We may have hated our sexual organs for betraying us. We may have felt shame or guilt for having

experienced pleasure during the abuse. We may hate our body for having responded sexually to an abuser. But in truth, our bodies did everything they were designed to do. Our bodies deserve no blame. We are beautiful men and women who have no need to feel ashamed. Our bodies deserve to be treated well, respected, fed healthy food, and given regular exercise. Forgive your body. Love your body. Treat your body well.

Exercise 10-1 Body Image Exercise -Answer the following questions on a separate piece of paper. 1. What are 10 good things your body does for you? 2. How do you show your body that you are grateful for what it does? 3. If your body could talk, what would it say? 4. What does your body want? 5. How does your body feel? 6. How can you provide your body with what it needs and what it wants? 7. In what ways is your body uniquely beautiful?

Process Questions How did the sexual abuse affect my body image?

What feelings come up for me when I think about my body? (Pride, shame, guilt, mixedemotions, etc)

In what ways have I blamed my body for the abuse?

How can I see my body in a more positive way?

How can I start to treat my body with love and respect?

Stepping Stones to Health Body Image -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I hate my body, and I blame it for the abuse. _____ 2. I wish that I had not been attractive, and sometimes I think my body is the reason I was sexually abused. _____ 3. I do not treat my body well. _____ 4. I am uncomfortable with my body, and I sometimes feel ashamed of it. _____ 5. I am beginning to realize that it wasnt my bodys fault that I was sexually abused. _____ 6. I am beginning to look at my body in a different way. Either that my beauty is a good thing, or that my body is more beautiful than I realized. _____ 7. I want my body to be healthy, because I want to look and feel good. _____ 8. I am beginning to feel more comfortable with my body, and am beginning to treat my body well by eating right and exercising. _____ 9. I realize that my body has served me well, and I will do everything I can to take good care of it.

Chapter 11 Beyond Shame and Guilt My abusers worked very hard to convince me that the abuse was my fault. -Jason Goodwin Survivors of sexual abuse often experience deep feelings of shame and guilt. We berate ourselves for what happened or blame ourselves for the abuse. Why would we take responsibility for something we did not want and could not control? Why would we blame ourselves for another persons actions? Its easy to understand why perpetrators of sexual abuse feel guilty or ashamed. They willfully violated another human being. They went against the morals and standards that most of us hold dear. They placed themselves and their own selfish needs above all other considerations. Certainly, their actions caused lifelong suffering for the ones they abused. Their shame and guilt are logical. But why would we blame ourselves? I believe it is because we suffer from low self-esteem. Some of us may have felt good about ourselves before we were abused. But over time, our self-esteem was transformed into self-loathing. People with low self-esteem blame themselves for whatever bad things happen in their lives. When good things happen to them, they give credit to someone else or to circumstances beyond their control. People with low self-esteem take all of the blame but none of the credit. When we truly believe in our self-worth, we do not blame ourselves for the behavior of others. Instead, we allow them to take responsibility for their own actions. In this way, a person with high self-esteem sees the world more clearly than a person with low self-esteem. A person with high self-esteem might say, I was sexually abused as a child because my father was an alcoholic. He was very cruel. There was nothing I could do to prevent his abuse. I am a good person, despite what he did to me. This person sees her abuse in a clear way. She assigns blame where it is due, and understands that being sexually abused cannot affect her basic worth as a person. In contrast, a person with low self-esteem might say, I was sexually abused as a child because I wasnt good enough. If only I had been a better son, maybe my mother wouldnt have raped me. Im a worthless piece of garbage. This second person sees his abuse in a twisted, emotional way. He unfairly assumes responsibility for the actions of his abuser. One of the paradoxes of sexual abuse is that we need healthy self-esteem in order to heal. Yet the longer and more severely we are abused, the lower our self-esteem can fall. As a result, those of us who were sexually abused the worst may have the hardest time developing enough self-esteem to overcome the pain of our past. Some of us were hurt so badly that we lost touch with reality. We stopped seeing ourselves or our lives objectively and began to substitute emotional reasoning. Some of the thinking errors that result from emotional reasoning include the following: 1. I feel bad, therefore I am bad. 2. I was sexually abused, therefore I deserve to be sexually abused. 3. I was not loved by my abuser, therefore I do not deserve to be loved by anyone. 4. I was treated like a bad person, therefore I am a bad person. 5. I was told that the abuse was my fault, therefore the abuse was my fault.

6. I had bad relationships in the past, so I will have bad relationships in the future. 7. I was emotionally abused, therefore I deserve to be emotionally abused. 8. I was hurt, therefore I deserve to be hurt. Emotional reasoning is circular logic; it makes no sense. As human beings, we try to define truth by learning from our experiences. We observe what happens to us and arrive at certain conclusions. Sometimes those conclusions are correct, and other times they are completely wrong. I grew up in a poor family, so Im a loser. I was sexually abused as a child, so all Im good for is sex. My parents never loved me, so I am unlovable. I never had a good life, so I will always be miserable. Beliefs like this are the product of past experience. They are the result of associations and perceived connections. Some of us can think all day long without engaging in a single, logical, rational thought. We do not always see our past, present, or future clearly. Instead, we remember the trauma and react with emotion. When we are extremely emotional, our thoughts may begin to serve our emotions. If our emotion is depression, we imagine all the reasons we should feel depressed. If our emotion is fear, we dwell on whatever things may go wrong in our lives. If our emotion is shame, we try to come up with logical explanations for why we should feel ashamed. If our emotion is guilt, we invent reasons to blame ourselves for the abuse. Low self-esteem and emotional reasoning reinforce one another. Its important to remember that our observations can often lead to the wrong conclusions. Yes, we were sexually abused. No, we dont deserve to be abused. No one deserves to be sexually abused. Yes, we were not loved by our abusers, but we still deserve love. For goodness sake, everyone deserves love! We were told that the abuse was our fault, but the only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser. We were treated as if we were bad children, but what is a bad child? Isnt every child capable of goodness and love? We had destructive relationships, but we can still create healthy ones in our lives today. We deserve loving, supportive, and trustworthy parents, partners, and friends. We were emotionally abused, but we still deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Our self-esteem is in need of repair. Its time to release our fear. As we liberate ourselves from the pain and trauma of our past, we free our minds from the insanity of emotional reasoning. We start to realize that we do not need to shame ourselves. We begin to realize our true worth.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Shame About Who I Am In the past, I blamed myself for the abuse and believed the lies my abusers told me. They wanted to make me feel guilty and ashamed. They tried to break me down. At some point I began to believe their lies. I became trapped in a dismal world of self-condemnation. Over time, I started to shame and guilt myself. My abusers worked very hard to convince me that the abuse was my fault. They told me that I was a bad child and they forced me to do things that were against my will. Over time, I came to agree with their criticism. I started to feel ashamed and guilty for all the aberrant sexual acts they forced me to perform. When you are told over and over again that you are a bad person, you begin to believe it. Shame and guilt becomes a downward spiral that destroys your self-esteem. At some point I reached the conclusion that there must be some terrible defect in my character or personality that had caused others to sexually abuse me. I became skilled at inventing reasons for why I deserved to be abused. But I am not to blame for what happened. I did not deserve their abuse. I am a precious, wonderful child of God. I deserve to be loved, honored, supported, and treated with respect. Most adults never sexually abuse a child. When they get angry, they express their anger in a healthy way without abusing or molesting anyone. Most parents discipline their children with respect. What is it that my abusers wanted? I believe that all abusers are looking for someone to hurt with their anger. I was small and defenseless. They believed they could abuse me without consequence. A couple of years ago, I married a woman who kept telling me I deserved her abuse. She criticized me on a daily basis, and yelled at me for increasingly trivial reasons. She tried to justify her abuse by claiming that I was always messing things up. This was the first time in my adult life I had been criticized or abused in this way. Had I suddenly become a worthless, incompetent, lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate, messy, loud person overnight? Or was she an abuser? Did she believe that I was the kind of person she could abuse? Did she see the victim in me, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I left the moment I realized she would never admit to her behavior, let alone change it. I left because I had finally had enough of being abused.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Shame About What Ive Done I feel ashamed when I hurt myself or someone else, because I know deep inside that abusive behavior is wrong. I smoked cigarettes for over ten years, and when I quit, I experienced deep feelings of shame and guilt. I finally realized how much I had hurt my body and my selfesteem. Shame feels like a heavy blanket pressing down on top of me. Its important to work through my shameful feelings. The first step is to stop blaming myself for the abuse. This shame does not belong to me. I need to come to my senses and give this shame back to my abusers. The second step is to stop acting in ways that will make me feel ashamed. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I keep hurting myself with drugs and alcohol. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I keep acting out sexually addictive behaviors. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I stay in abusive relationships. It is not realistic to believe that I can change all of these self-destructive patterns overnight. But by continuing to work on myself, I will overcome them all in time. Eventually, I will feel proud of my actions, my choices, and the direction of my life.

Process Questions What have I felt guilty or ashamed about? Do I still carry any feelings of shame and guilt?

How does it feel to carry this shame and guilt? (Has it held me back, damaged my selfesteem, prevented me from developing healthy relationships, or fueled my addictions?)

What can I do to release these feelings of shame and guilt? If my shame or guilt comes from my own behaviors, what can I do differently from now on?

What will it take to forgive myself for the negative behaviors of my past?

How much of this shame and guilt do I need to give back to the person or persons who abused me? Am I ready to give it back?

Chapter 12 Depression Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? -Jalal ad-Din Rumi Depression has been described as a combination of anger and sadness. We feel hopeless when we realize there is no way to change our past. We will never be able to go back and erase what happened to us. Sometimes we feel depressed because we are still in denial about the abuse. We wish we had never been abused, or that we could have prevented it somehow. For survivors of sexual abuse, thoughts and feelings of this kind are normal. Unfortunately, we do not always express our feelings in a healthy way. We may manipulate others, sabotage ourselves, or become trapped in self-pity. Unhealthy responses to anger and sadness can actually prolong the pain we feel. We move towards resolution when we allow ourselves to experience our feelings and come to an understanding that the abuse was not our fault. It happens when we stop trying to change our past. When we allow ourselves to cry, to grieve, and to experience our sorrow. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Sometimes our feelings of depression can become crippling. There have been times in my life when I had a hard time getting out of bed. I lost weight, lost interest in life, isolated myself in a one-bedroom apartment, and slept late into the morning. When depression becomes extreme, a condition described by the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as Major Depression, it is important to be willing to try medication. My own depression was genetic in nature, but enhanced by circumstances. My grandmother on my mothers side suffered from depression and took antidepressants for the second half of her life. I often felt depressed as a child for no apparent reason, and I wrote a lot of violent, morbid poetry. I felt resistant to taking medication for the first 34 years of my life because I didnt want to believe that I was crazy. Taking pills to change my brain chemistry would be admitting there was something wrong with me. My stubborn resistance to medication treatment was illogical and self-destructive. When I went to graduate school, I learned about the physiology of the brain and the reasons why antidepressants work. I finally concluded that if my depression was genetic in nature, it was a physical problem. And a physical problem demands a physical solution. For me, thinking positive was never enough. My attempts to improve my outlook on life certainly helped, but the aching in my head never went away. I finally decided to try an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) five years ago. It is one of the newer antidepressant medications, and I experience no side effects. I can tell you that this medication changed my life. In the past, my emotional response to the trauma of sexual abuse had turned my genetic depression into a living nightmare. I suffered for many years before giving medication treatment a chance. Before antidepressants, my life had moved from one depression to the next. I can attest to the fact that this is no way to live. Stubbornness and fear prevented me from making rational decisions about treating my depression. My attitude is very different now. I have more authority in recommending antidepressants to my clients, because I take them myself.

Antidepressants do not make you happy. They are not addictive, and they do not get you high. But they do help balance your brain chemistry so that when you wake up in the morning, you can have an even chance of feeling happy or depressed, depending on your circumstances. This is the way most people experience their lives. They do not wake up feeling depressed for no reason. It takes a specific event or set of circumstances to make them feel happy or sad. Even the most positive life includes ups and downs, but chronic depression can rob you of the good times. It took me a long while to decide that I deserved a normal chance of feeling happy. Now I have that, and my quality of life has improved more than I can say. Even if you are depressed solely as a result of the sexual abuse, anti-depressant medication may help you through a difficult time. If you are struggling with depression, ask your doctor or psychiatrist if medication treatment is appropriate for you. Of course, antidepressants are not a substitute for working through our emotional issues. For most of us, counseling is another very effective way to reduce depression. Challenging our negative thinking can help to reverse our depressive symptoms. People who do not suffer from a genetic or biological depression can often discontinue the use of antidepressant medication over time. If you are like me, and your depression has a long, family history, take heart in knowing that you may be able to find an antidepressant that works well with minimal side effects. Part of the reason I avoided medication treatment for so long was because I wanted to punish myself. I believed that only bad little boys were sexually abused. It requires a certain amount of self-esteem to seek medical attention. We have to realize that we deserve to feel better, or at least that we deserve a normal chance of feeling happy. Depression is a normal emotion. Everyone experiences depression from time to time. If your depression becomes crippling, please get the help you need.

Exercise 12-1 Depression Self-Test -These are the criteria for major depression taken from the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). _____ 1. I feel depressed most of the day, almost every day. _____ 2. I am less interested and get less pleasure than I used to out of all, or almost all, of my activities during the day. _____ 3. I have experienced a change of more than 5% of my body weight in a month, or have a decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. _____ 4. I have trouble sleeping, or I oversleep nearly every day. _____ 5. I feel either agitated or slow nearly every day. _____ 6. I feel tired and have low energy nearly every day. _____ 7. I feel bad about myself or feel a lot of guilt nearly every day. _____ 8. I have a hard time concentrating or making decisions nearly every day. _____ 9. I sometimes have thoughts of death, or feel suicidal. All of these symptoms can be indicators of major depression. If you are experiencing one or more of the symptoms above, see your doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression. Remember, suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel suicidal, or know someone who is feeling suicidal, immediately contact a suicide hotline, a counselor, or the police to ensure your safety or the safety of the person involved.

Process Questions How often and in what circumstances do I feel depressed?

What does depression feel like to me?

Have I seen a doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for clinical depression? Have I followed through on any recommended treatment?

How would my life improve if I overcame my depression?

Which techniques help me to cope with feelings of depression? (Medication, counseling, keeping a journal, talking about it, getting out and engaging in social and recreational activities, exercising at least 3 times a week, light therapy, creative outlets like art or music, positive thinking, etc)

Stepping Stones to Health Depression -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I feel depressed a lot, and have never done anything to try to reduce my depression. _____ 2. I was told by someone that I should do something about my depression, but I havent followed through. _____ 3. I have read self-help books, or tried to find information about depression. _____ 4. I want to reduce my depression because Im miserable, but I dont know where to begin. _____ 5. I have talked with others about depression and asked for advice on how to cope with it. _____ 6. I am exercising, journaling, or working to change my irrational thoughts. _____ 7. I have gone to a doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression. _____ 8. I am actively taking medication or seeing a counselor to reduce symptoms of depression. _____ 9. I will continue to take medication, seek counseling, exercise regularly, keep a journal of my feelings, work to change my irrational thoughts, and do whatever is necessary to cope with my depression in a healthy way. I deserve a normal chance of feeling happy.

Chapter 13 Grieving When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitable, we will feel about us, their arms and their understanding. -Helen Keller Grieving is the process of letting go of the things we have lost. Survivors of sexual abuse often feel that they lost their childhood or their innocence. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve. Childhood was never meant to be a time for suffering, chaos, or fear. Our childhood is the foundation for the rest of our lives. When this foundation involves pain or instability, our relationships, our self-esteem, and even our perceptions of the world can change for the worse. A poor foundation in childhood may influence our goals for the future. If our home was ruled by fear and chaos or our relationships were abusive, we may repeat those patterns in our adult lives because we cant imagine anything better. The loss of our childhood is tragic. It is worthy of our tears. We need to cry for the things we lost. Perhaps we were never given the love we needed to develop healthy self-confidence. Maybe we were never taught to solve our problems in healthy ways. Some of us feel a deep, empty hole inside of us. This loss is real. We need to grieve. We need to release our toxic pain. Healing is the process of letting go of our past, and working towards a better tomorrow. Men often have a harder time grieving than women. Society tells men that crying is a sign of weakness. Dont believe it. We are survivors of sexual abuse. We are the strongest men in the world. I sometimes ask my male clients one simple question. Does it take more strength to face your pain or to run from it? Avoiding our pain and our tears is not, and never will be, a sign of strength. As a man, I cry whenever I need to. Expressing my feelings makes me a stronger man, not a weaker one. Some women also have a hard time crying. These women may have come from homes where emotional expression was never encouraged or allowed. Emotions are not a curse. They are not bad. But they can be frightening. Society tells us that we should stuff our feelings, or try to fill the holes in our lives with money, beauty, status, or power. Television commercials suggest that if we just drink enough alcohol, our pain will somehow magically disappear. But that isnt true. Painful feelings dont go away until we allow ourselves to feel them. Sometimes we need to cry and really let it out. Other times, just feeling the pain inside of us and having a few tears is enough. As children, we wanted parents who would protect us and love us. If our parents sexually abused us, we may retreat into denial. We may still have a hard time seeing our parents clearly, even as adults. Some of us learned to filter our parents behavior. We exaggerated the times that they were good or loving and avoided thinking about the times they abused us. We

began to see our parents the way we wanted them to be instead of the way they truly were. If our parents were abusive, it may have been easier to blame ourselves for the abuse. As children, we are vulnerable. Safety is our highest priority. Children do not have the strength to cope with intense feelings of insecurity or fear. At some point, we have to acknowledge the truth. If our parents abused us, they abused their power. We need to stop justifying what they did. We need to forgive ourselves for what happened. We need to start seeing our situation more clearly. We need to accept that our parents may never change. Everyones situation is different. Some of us can say that our parents were usually loving, while others must admit that their parents were often abusive. Of course, our childhood was probably not all bad. We may have a few good memories. There were probably times when we felt their love. Its time to let go of the way we wanted our parents to be. Healing, in this case, is simply a matter of seeing reality for what it is. Maybe we didnt get the loving parents we wanted. If you make excuses for your parents behavior, blamed yourself for what happened, or always tried to be the healthy parent your brothers or sisters deserved, I highly recommend that you read Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie. This is an excellent description of the reasons we become codependent, and how to break free from this unhealthy behavior pattern. Another loss many of us experienced was the loss of our self-respect. Over time, we began to behave self-destructively. We stayed in abusive relationships, turned to drugs or alcohol, acted out sexually, or treated others and ourselves as objects. We failed to respect our bodies and our personal boundaries. In her book, On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kubler Ross describes the five stages of grieving. They are denial or shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Letting go is something that happens after we have struggled, processed our feelings of sadness, and gone through depression. It occurs when we stop fighting the reality of what happened to us. Accepting the fact that we were sexually abused is often a grieving process. We may have lost our hopes for a happy childhood. We may have lost our trust in other people or the safety of this world. We may have lost our self-esteem and our self-respect. When we accept the truth of what happened to us, we may really begin to feel these losses. Of course, accepting what happened to us does not mean condoning it. We do not approve of what our abusers did, and we may not be ready to forgive. Acceptance simply means acknowledging and allowing the truth. We need to grieve and let go of what happened in our past so that we can move to the next stage of our lives. Letting go happens when we reach the end of our fear. It is a tremendous gift when we can finally release our anger. For many of us, sexual abuse leads to deep control issues. There is no way to change what happened to us, and there may have been nothing we could have done to prevent the abuse. Addictions and negative behaviors feed off our desire for control. These compulsive behaviors can choke and stagnate the natural flow of our lives.

Many of us tried to control our feelings in order to avoid the pain. We learned that terrible things can happen to us when we lose control. Terrible things like sexual abuse. At some point during the abuse, we began to hold on to our pain instead of releasing it. Instead of letting our pain pass through us and out of us, we tried harder and harder to change the way we felt. We were so angry with our abusers. We wanted control over our bodies, our minds, and the direction of our lives. What did we do with our angry feelings? What did we do with our pain? I believe we wanted to let go. We wanted to release our feelings of shame, guilt, pain, and self-loathing. We wanted to delete the past somehow, or figure out how to heal. I used to believe that if I drank enough alcohol, my pain would magically disappear. I smoked cigarettes for more than ten years to feel more confident and take away feelings of anxiety and depression. At one point, I believed that if I could only find someone who would love me enough, it would make me feel better about myself. What do you think I got for all of my misguided efforts? Bleeding ulcers, smokers cough, bronchitis, kidney pain, addiction, low self-esteem, shame, guilt, and further abuse. I was attracted to women who reminded me of my abusers and I stayed with them because I felt like I needed their love. I abused myself with chemicals that made me feel worse about myself, not better. My attempts at feeling better and letting go were a total catastrophe. The only way to release pain and negative feelings is to allow them to happen. Another word for accepting is allowing. If I had allowed myself to cry, I would not have had to drink. If I had allowed myself to grieve my losses, I would not have had to stay with partners that abused me. In so many ways, I did not want to feel. Why is it so hard to allow ourselves to feel our feelings? When we allow ourselves to cry, dont we eventually feel better? When we allow ourselves to feel powerless about sex, wont we eventually let go of our obsessive need to control it? When we allow ourselves to feel unloved, doesnt God, a friend, or a pet eventually show us that they love us? We dont need to be so afraid of our feelings. The worst thing that ever happened to me when I allowed myself to grieve is that I had to call in sick so I could cry and spend some time alone. That experience didnt kill me. Im still here, and Im healthier because of it. Allow yourself to experience your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve. It is the way to let go.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Letting Go I dont understand why I feel so much pain lately. Why do I feel this way? (My wise, inner voice): You have decided that you will never again accept abuse from other people. Theres no reason to hold onto your pain anymore. You can let go of it. When you reject abuse from others, it means you are ready to begin to release the pain of your past. Its true. I have decided that I will no longer accept abuse from others. I have decided that my self-esteem is more important than any relationship. I need to let go of my fears, and the only way to do that is to allow myself to feel them. Fear keeps me holding on. Fear makes me want to numb my feelings. Fear keeps me in addiction and despair. Fear pushes me to try and control things I cannot and should not control. (My wise, inner voice): You can let go of your fear. You can allow yourself to feel your pain. This is a natural process. The core of this issue is my desire to control the way I feel. I dont always need to be in control. I can allow myself to feel afraid. I can allow myself to cry. I can allow myself to let go.

Exercise 13-1 Grieving Exercises 1. Ask yourself if theres anything you need to grieve. Is there any pain youve been holding onto or avoiding? Something you havent wanted to face about the abuse or your childhood? Take this opportunity to let go. Cry and release in a safe place if you need to. 2. Take some time to think about your relationship with your abuser or abusers. Who were they? What was their relationship to you? How did they treat you? Did you ever wish they had been different? Do you still wish they were someone they can never be? Cry and release in a safe place if you need to. 3. Think about your childhood. What was it like? Were you made to act like an adult at a young age? Did you have a traditional childhood, or was it cut short? Did you lose your innocence or your dreams for a better life? Cry and release in a safe place if you need to. 4. Think about the abuse. Was it painful? Were you afraid? What hurt the most? The physical abuse, the emotional pain, the fear, or the betrayal? Cry and release in a safe place if you need to. 5. Think for a moment about how you have treated yourself as a result of the abuse. Have you hurt yourself with addictions? Have you put yourself in unsafe situations? Have you subjected yourself to further abuse? Cry and release in a safe place if you need to.

Stepping Stones to Health Grieving -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I still carry the pain and grief of my past, but Im not ready to release it. _____ 2. I dont like the pain and grief of my past, yet Im afraid of crying or letting go. _____ 3. I have learned that if you bottle up your pain, you will never get past it. _____ 4. There have been times when I felt so much pain that I couldnt hold on to it anymore and I cried. _____ 5. Im tired of this pain. Im tired of trying to shut it off with alcohol, drugs, and other addictions. My pain just keeps getting worse. _____ 6. I have read self-help books or looked for information on how to release my pain. _____ 7. I am beginning to challenge what I was told as a child about grieving, and whether or not it might be okay to allow myself to cry. _____ 8. I allowed myself to cry once, and it felt scary. Its uncomfortable, but it was a relief to get those feelings off my chest. _____ 9. I allow myself to grieve whenever I need to, and for as long as I need to. I realize that I can release the pain of my past. I am a courageous soul when I allow myself to cry and release my pain.

Exercise 13-2 Letting Go Exercise The 12-step serenity prayer goes as follows: God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Repeat this prayer in your mind while thinking about the things you have difficulty letting go of. Make a list of the things in your life you cannot change. Then make a list of the things you can do something about. Are you doing what you can while still allowing Gods power in your life?

Exercise 13-3 The following exercise is reprinted from the internet. The author is unknown: To Let Go To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I cant do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, its the realization that I cant control another person. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, its to make the most of myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. To let go is not to be protective, its to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to criticize or regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is to fear less and love more.

Process Questions What do I need to let go of?

How does it feel when I hold onto the pain of my past?

What are some of the things I can do to help myself let go? (Crying, journaling, talking to a counselor or friend about my problems or issues, talking into a tape recorder about those issues and playing it back to myself, exercising, repeating the serenity prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous, etc)

How might my life change if I was able to let go of the past?

Stepping Stones to Health Letting Go -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I am a control freak, and I have a hard time letting go. _____ 2. I feel angry a lot, and tend to get caught up in minor problems or issues. _____ 3. Its hard for me to let go, and I prefer being in a position of power or control. _____ 4. I can let go sometimes if its an issue that doesnt affect me very much. _____ 5. There are some things in life that just arent worth worrying about, and I try to let go of those things. _____ 6. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that there are things in my life I cannot control, and its alright. _____ 7. I am beginning to replace some of my fear with faith. I am starting to believe that things in my life will work out in the way they need to. _____ 8. I am capable of letting go of the big things in life after I have processed my feelings about them. _____ 9. I am working on letting go and letting God. I take responsibility for the things I can control, and I give everything else to God or my higher power.

Chapter 14 The Inner Child Our inner child needs us, and we need our inner child. -Jason Goodwin A few years ago, I experienced a relationship that really brought out the abused inner child within me. The woman I was with reminded me of my abusers. She was cold and distant. She treated me like a child, and I began to act like one. I found myself feeling needy and afraid of abandonment. How could this be, I thought? I was a fully-grown adult. Why was this happening and why was I feeling so much pain? I used to have a hard time believing that there was a part of myself, childlike in nature, that still felt the pain of the abuse. It sounded strange to me or weird, like some sort of therapeutic nonsense. But it is a mistake to believe that we could have responded to abuse that occurred in our childhood with all the logic and understanding of an adult. If we were children when we were abused, the logic we used to understand the abuse was childlike. Children often respond to events in their lives with emotion rather than logic. They believe that they are to blame for whatever happens to them, because they think they are the center of the universe. It is difficult for a child to imagine why someone would want to hurt or victimize him/her without good reason. As a result, children often take responsibility for things that are not their fault. Survivors of abuse often develop fears of abandonment. Sometimes this is because our needs for love and attention were never adequately met. As we grow into adults, we stay in abusive relationships because we are afraid of being abandoned again. It is logical for a child to believe that he/she will die if he/she loses a relationship with a caregiver. Children are helpless and completely dependent on adults for their survival. But as we grow into adulthood, our fears of abandonment become illogical and self-destructive. As adults, we do not need to accept abuse from others. We do not have to remain in abusive relationships. We have a choice. Our lives become dysfunctional when we continue to act out unhealthy behavior patterns we learned in childhood. The part of us that smokes cigarettes, drinks alcohol, uses drugs, or is addicted to sex is often child-like in nature. It cares only about the way it feels, and it wants to feel better right now. There is no calculation of the cost and no consideration of the future. This part of us is immature and impatient. Have you ever watched a smoker whos gone too long without a cigarette? They get irritable. I know, because I smoked cigarettes for over ten years. The addicted part of us wants our cigarette/pacifier right now. At a young age, children are driven primarily by emotions. When they feel sad, they cry. When they feel happy, they smile. When they want something, they scream and yell. Children are very aware of their feelings, and they act accordingly. As adults, we learn to delay gratification. We learn to consider the future. We come to understand that we sometimes need to make sacrifices today in order to have a better life tomorrow. We develop greater patience and realize that, even if we cant get all of our needs met this instant, we may be able to fulfill some of our needs in the future. Our inner child needs us, and we need our inner child. The inner child is the part of us that helps us to have fun. To let down our hair and boogie on the dance floor. To feel happy and carefree on a sunny day. To give thanks for the beautiful things in life.

For those of us who were sexually abused as children, our inner child was deeply scarred. This pain is the reason our inner child continues to act out. Sexual abuse often creates a whirlwind of painful emotions that do not go away until we allow ourselves to feel them and release them. Much of what our inner child feels is grief. My inner child has shed many tears. Neglected or abused children often act out in self-destructive ways. Children experience pain on a very deep level. When a child experiences something traumatic, it may affect them for a very long time. A child who experiences something as traumatic as sexual abuse may struggle with that pain for the rest of his/her life. At first, you may feel some resistance to working with your inner child. It may seem silly at first. Yes, here I am, talking to myself. No, really, Im not crazy. Im just trying to heal every part of me. Yes, there are many different parts of us. Some of them carry a lot of pain. To make this process easier, I named my inner child Jacob and created a mental picture of what he looked like. I found that, whenever I spoke to Jacob, my mind knew exactly which part of me I was talking to. This part of me, the child deep inside who endured the pain of sexual abuse, was able to make himself known. He acts out when he is afraid. He feels hurt and abandoned when a relationship doesnt work out. And he wants to be loved, cared for, and protected just like any other child. Having compassion for our inner child means having compassion for ourselves. As children, we may have never received the love we wanted. As adults, it is our responsibility to provide ourselves with as much love as we can. It is our responsibility to care for our inner child, the part of us that needs it the most. At first, my inner child rejected the love I was sending him. He felt so angry and bitter about the abuse. Jacob refused to believe that anyone could possibly love him. He had built up defensive walls to protect himself, and he was not about to let anyone in. But I continued sending him love, and I repeated kind words to him. Most of the time, he became very upset. He would break down, scream and yell, push me away, or get very angry. He didnt want to hear it. But persistence always pays off. I was not about to give up on an abandoned, lonely child within myself. In the past, I had smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol to try to numb the pain of my childhood. But my addictions only further injured a part of me that already felt a great deal of pain. So I bombarded Jacob with love, and he responded with tears, screaming, and agony. It was the pain that I needed to release. The pain of sexual abuse escaping from the prison of my mind. There is nothing I can say to explain how good it feels to allow your pain to pass through you and out of you. Over time, we begin to feel that our pain is slowly destroying us from within. Emotional pain can fuel our addictions and unhealthy behaviors. It may be scary to face our pain, but it is much worse to avoid it. Every time we cry, a part of us is healed. A part of us is set free. A part of us is reborn. I know from past experience and please believe me. It is better to love your inner child.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Inner Child Work and Abandonment Issues -The inner child feels: 1. Needy 2. Vulnerable 3. Scared -The inner child gets: 1. Angry 2. Resentful 3. Sensitive -The inner child acts: 1. Controlling 2. Manipulative 3. Hostile -The inner child fears: 1. Abandonment 2. Rejection 3. Physical Pain My inner child is the part of me that was sexually abused. During the abuse, he felt abandoned by his abusers and abandoned by God. The work I do with my inner child is helping to improve my self-esteem. When I send my inner child love, I begin to release the pain of my past. My inner child feels afraid. He feels vulnerable when I tell him how much I love him, because love feels so foreign to him. I need to cry. I need to release my pain. I need to encourage my inner child to say no to his abusers. No, its not okay for you to abuse me! I deserve better! I love myself, and what you are doing to me is wrong! When I cry and shake with fear, it is because I am finally healing. I will allow my feelings to surface and pass through me. If the inner child: -feels needy, vulnerable, or scared: do something to meet his/her needs, make him/her feel safe, and calm his/her fears. Take some time alone, reassure him/her that everything will be okay, or take steps to remove him/her from an unsafe situation. -gets angry, resentful, or sensitive: remind him/her that you are going to take care of him/her and that you will meet his/her needs from now on. Ask your inner child what he/she wants and needs. -acts controlling, manipulative, or hostile: ask him/her whats going on, meet his/her needs immediately, or help him/her let go of what he/she wants to control. -fears abandonment or rejection: tell him/her that you will always love him/her, that you will never leave him/her, that you will always be there for him/her, and that you will be there no matter what happens. Say the words, I love my inner child unconditionally as often as you need to, and take action to take care of yourself.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Inner Child Feelings My inner child is angry with people for what they did to him. He wants revenge. He wishes there was something he could do to regain his power. What am I so afraid of? Sexual abuse. I fear the cruelty of my abusers. My inner childs feelings come from his desire for control. How can he learn to let go? By releasing his fear. And what are some of the fears my inner child needs to release? 1. Fear of pain 2. Fear of betrayal 3. Fear of hatred 4. Fear of powerlessness 5. Fear of death Pain, betrayal, hatred, powerlessness, and death. These were all directed at me when I was abused. They are the same fears that my abusers held within themselves. I realize now that they were trying to pass their fear on to me. Dont be afraid of your fear. Just allow it to pass through you. Allow yourself shake. Allow yourself to let go. As a child, I was afraid of dying. My feelings of vulnerability were intense. I need to let go of this fear. What will happen if you die, Jacob? (Inner child voice): I dont know. Im really scared. You cant die, Jacob. You only move to a new body. A body of light. (Inner child voice): They told me that if I die, Ill go to hell. Ill burn in hell. Im so afraid of dying. That was a lie, Jacob. There is no hell. When you die, you go to heaven. You are surrounded by light and love.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #3: Releasing Resentments My inner child carries a lot of resentment. Hes angry that he didnt get the respect or encouragement he needed. Hes angry that he had so little control. He wanted love, safety, and support. As a child, I felt vulnerable, needy, and afraid. I wanted to be protected from the danger in this world. I felt sensitive to pain. I had just come from Gods loving arms, and I wanted my mothers loving arms as a replacement. (To my inner child): Try to let go of the things you wanted. Try to let go of the respect, encouragement, and love you never received from your abusers. You may not know this, but you are eternal. You are a child of God. No matter what happens, your soul will live on. It cannot be destroyed. Those people cant control you any more. Breathe in the pure love of God. Use it to transform your fears.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #4: Healing the Inner Child Optional: (Place your hand over your heart or stomach to direct love into yourself. Imagine your inner child. Look at a photograph of yourself as a child if that helps.) Say: I am sending deep love and healing into _________ (name of your inner child). I am sending love and healing deep into _________ (name of your inner child). I am sending deep healing and love into _________ (name of your inner child). I am sending healing and love deep into _________ (name of your inner child). I am sending deep love and healing into my inner child. I am sending love and healing deep into my inner child. I am sending deep healing and love into my inner child. I am sending healing and love deep into my inner child. I love you, (name of your inner child). Youre such a good boy/girl! (name of your inner child), you deserve to be loved. You always deserve to be loved. I love myself as a survivor of sexual abuse. Remember, if you find yourself crying or shaking from repeating these statements to yourself, thats good. It means you are healing. Repeat these statements to your inner child as often as you need to. Remember, a tremendous amount of love is needed to counter a tremendous amount of hate. Love, and a lot of it, is the only thing that will heal our inner child. Our inner child wants to be loved, no matter what he/she may say or how he/she may act. Remember this, and give your inner child the love that he/she needs.

Stepping Stones to Health Healing the Inner Child -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I do not recognize that I have an inner child. _____ 2. I sometimes feel there is a part of me that still carries the pain of sexual abuse. _____ 3. I was a child when I was abused, and there could be a childlike part of me that continues to struggle with what happened. _____ 4. I recognize that there are childlike parts of myself, even today, that like to play and have fun. I want to nurture those parts of myself. _____ 5. I believe the childlike part of me was hurt by the sexual abuse. _____ 6. I am beginning to have more compassion for myself. I am starting to want to heal and nurture this part of me. _____ 7. I have connected with my inner childs feelings, and repeat healing affirmations to him/her. _____ 8. I have conversations with my inner child and ask what he/she needs. _____ 9. I recognize that I have an inner child, and I will do whatever it takes to heal that part of myself.

Chapter 15 Deserving Love We cant give up on love, and we cant pretend that we can live without it. We need love like we need air to breathe. -Jason Goodwin As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us never received the love we wanted. Love was withheld from us altogether, or it was given only on a conditional basis. Many of us had to keep the family secret to gain approval. Some survivors of sexual abuse try to gain love and acceptance by becoming perfect. The truth is that we can never be perfect. Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a paradoxical view of love. We dont understand why our abuser never loved us, so we conclude that either they couldnt love us, or we were unworthy of their love. Some of us were sexually abused by a parent or parents. The idea that a parent or caregiver could be incapable of loving us is unthinkable. As children, we need love in order to survive. We need love and approval from the people we depend upon. Instead of facing the terrible truth, that maybe our parents or abusers were incapable of loving us, we decide that we were unlovable and we blame ourselves for the abuse. Some of us recreate this destructive paradox in our adult lives. We feel attracted to cold, distant, or emotionally unavailable partners. We end up in unhealthy, abusive relationships. We fail to notice those partners who would be good to us. Partners who would treat us with the love and respect we deserve. When we believe we dont deserve to be loved, we tend to form relationships with people who will confirm our worst fears. The belief that we are unlovable is often held in place by a great deal of sorrow. It is time to grieve the loss of our childhood. We may need to allow ourselves to cry. We may need to take it upon ourselves to give our inner child the love that he/she never received. When we send our inner child love, we begin to release our feelings of pain and resentment. Without receiving the kind of love and attention that makes us feel valuable and important as children, we may fail to develop a positive sense of ourselves and our identity. Growing up is a difficult process. Without lots of love and support, many of us fail to make a healthy transition into adult life. If our parents abused us, they were derelict in their duties. It was their job to provide us with love and support. It was their job to teach us how to face lifes challenges. They blew it. Many of us feel a deep hole where their love should have been. Instead of feeling love, we feel pain. Instead of feeling joy, we feel sorrow. Instead of feeling appreciation, we feel resentment. Instead of feeling connected, we feel abandoned. Of course, no one is perfect. No one can show his/her love for us every moment of every day. It is important to examine our own behavior. Do we treat others poorly? We cannot expect to receive love if we are not willing to give it in return. We need to be willing to demonstrate our love for others through our actions, and surround ourselves with people who can show their love for us in the same way. In the past, I believed that I would never be able to heal the sexual abuse. I believed that I would never feel like I deserved to be loved. But that was before I really took the time to work with my inner child. I sent him love and allowed him to grieve. I

comforted him, and worked on healing the trauma of my past. It is a painful process, but one that restores our heart in the end. Through our actions, we teach our inner child that he/she really does deserve to be loved. When our inner child feels loved, is allowed to cry, and is supported unconditionally, he/she begins to heal. Giving and receiving love is one of the greatest joys in life. We all deserve that experience. But in order to get it, we must remain open to the many different forms that love takes. Sometimes we dont have a romantic relationship that is fulfilling. Sometimes we dont have a close relationship with God. Sometimes we feel estranged from parents that abused us as children. Sometimes our friends are few and far between. We live in apartments where we cant own a pet. Sometimes we dont love ourselves as much as we need to. If we want to get the love we need, we must never give up. We must never isolate ourselves or withdraw from the world. We must keep looking and keep trying. Sometimes we have to take all the love we can from whatever healthy sources are available to us at the time. We must keep improving our relationship with ourselves, with God, and with others so that all of our relationships can become more loving. We cant give up on love, and we cant pretend that we can live without it. We need love like we need air to breathe. Unfortunately, some of us have wanted love so badly that we became willing to accept abuse in order to get it. These survivors are on the roller-coaster from hell. They experience violent ups and downs. When their partner treats them well, they feel good about themselves for a little while. When their partner treats them poorly, they feel rejected. In the end, their self-esteem depends on their partners mood. Whether or not that partner was drinking last night. Whether or not that partner cheated on them this time. Is this the way we deserve to live? Do we deserve to be loved and respected only some of the time? As important as love is to our health and happiness, we must never sacrifice our self-respect to get it. Abusive relationships that promise love but compromise our selfesteem are still abuse, and feeling loved by someone else will never be as important as loving and respecting ourselves. Which type of love has the strongest effect on our health and well-being? Who is always in our head? Who is always in our hearts? Who do we have to live with, every moment of every day? We must never accept abuse. If we try to confront a partner about their abusive behavior and they refuse to change, it is our responsibility to end the relationship. We owe it to ourselves. The love we demonstrate for ourselves by ending an unhealthy relationship is the same love that can carry us through the pain of a breakup. Love comes in many forms. Three years ago, I bought a miniature dachshund named William Wallace. Willie has been a constant source of unconditional love in my life. I let people into my life who treat me well and are willing to prove they are trustworthy over time. I work to strengthen my relationship with God. I work to resolve my personal issues so that I can become more loving to others. There are many ways to find the love we need. We must open our hearts when its safe, protect ourselves when we need to, and never, ever give up.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: You Deserve Love I have to heal my inner child, because he is the one who believes he doesnt deserve to be loved. My negative beliefs about myself are resistant to change. A part of me is afraid of healing. I have grown comfortable with my belief that I dont deserve to be loved. I need to push through this resistance in my mind. Can I say, I deserve to be loved out loud and mean it? Sometimes I feel afraid of abandonment. In the past, I felt abandoned when I was living alone, sometimes even when I was with a partner. Its not logical, but thats how I felt. When I feel abandoned, I feel unloved, cold, and empty, because I dont feel loved by others, and I dont love myself. My abusers fed me, housed me, and never left me alone for very long. But I never felt loved by them. At the root of my fear of abandonment is my fear of being unloved. I need to let myself shake and release this fear. I need lots of love in order to heal. I deserve to be loved. I will do whatever I can to help myself feel loved. I will have a pet, because I deserve unconditional love in my life. If I am with a partner who is incapable of loving me, I will break off that relationship and keep looking for a partner who can give me the love I need. Someone who can demonstrate their love for me through their actions. I deserve love. I will never give up on finding it. If I catch myself saying, I dont deserve to be loved, I need to ask myself why I feel that way. I need to find out where that inner voice is coming from, and the reasons that I feel unworthy of love. I need to refute the lies I was told by my abusers about who I am and what I deserve. When I decided to become a counselor, it took me two years of hard work and frustration to get my Masters Degree. I need to put the same kind of effort into my relationships. I need to remember the concept of merit-based pay, because its true in relationships just like everything else. I will only get what I work for. I could not have found a good job without getting my Masters Degree first. I will not find a good relationship until I heal the sexual abuse.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: What Happens When You Realize You Deserve To Be Loved When I realize I deserve to be loved, I dont have to try to force anyone to love me. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I attract loving people. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I feel loved. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I love myself. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I can and will let go of unloving people. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I realize that everyone deserves to be loved. When I realize I deserve to be loved, no setback can stop me from finding the love that I deserve. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I will eventually find the love that I seek. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I know that love is coming my way. I will see it and welcome it into my life. When I realize I deserve to be loved, I will never give up on finding a partner who will truly love me. Knowing I deserve to be loved comes from self-esteem. Being worthy means believing I am a good person. When I love myself and believe I am a good person, I realize I deserve to be loved. I really need to love myself from now on. Everyone deserves to be loved. I deserve to be loved.

Process Worksheet Did I receive the kind of love I wanted or needed as a child or adult?

If I did not received the kind of love I wanted or needed as a child or adult, what are the unhealthy ways I tried to compensate for feeling unloved? (Becoming sexually promiscuous, turning to drugs or alcohol, pushing people away, isolating myself, etc)

What sources of love can I turn to now? (Parents, God, family, pets, friends, significant other, kids, self, etc.)

How does my self-esteem improve when I feel loved?

What am I doing in my life right now to get the love that I need? (Finding new friendships, getting a pet, strengthening my relationship with God, healing my relationships with parents or family, dating, etc)

Stepping Stones to Health Deserving Love -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I feel that I am unlovable. _____ 2. I believe that there are loveable people in this world, but Im not one of them. _____ 3. I might deserve to be loved if I hadnt done such terrible things in the past. _____ 4. I figure the reason I was unloved as a child was that I was not worthy of being loved. _____ 5. I figure I must have done something terribly wrong to deserve their abuse. _____ 6. Im starting to think it might not have been my fault that I was abused. _____ 7. It seems strange. Other people have loved me throughout my life, just not my abuser/abusers. _____ 8. I can finally see that if it hadnt been me, my abuser/abusers would have found someone else to abuse. _____ 9. I think maybe I am a good person. The things my abuser/abusers did cant change that. _____ 10. I am beginning to accept love from wherever it comes. I accept love from people, pets, myself, and God. _____ 11. It feels good to be loved. I think I deserve it. _____ 12. I will do whatever I can to find love in my life. I will never give up on finding the love I need, and will continue to demonstrate love for others.

Chapter 16 Low Self-Esteem Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Low self-esteem comes from feeling unworthy, defective, or not good enough. It can cause us to stay in abusive relationships, hurt ourselves with addictions, neglect our personal needs, or always put the needs of others before our own. Low self-esteem is common in survivors of sexual abuse. Many of us did not understand the reasons we were abused, so we tried to convince ourselves that the abuse was our fault. We came to believe that we must have done something terribly wrong to deserve to be abused. When sexual abuse works, we become a shell of a person. We replace whatever good feelings we have about ourselves with shame. Shame about our bodies, shame about our lives, and shame about the abuse. We begin to choose abuse in our daily lives. We choose abusive relationships and stay with abusive partners. We sell our bodies to people we know will treat us like objects or degrade us. We dont stand up to people that criticize us or yell at us. We isolate ourselves and avoid relationships with people who would be good to us. We destroy our bodies with alcohol and drugs. We fail to take care of our needs, and fail to pursue the things we really want out of life. How do we become so self-destructive? It is because we believe that we are bad. That we deserve to be punished. That we are not worthy of the good things life has to offer. Many of us were brainwashed into self-destruction. At some point, we decided that we really were just sexual objects. We decided that our feelings really didnt matter. When everything inside of us is disregarded, abandoned, or abused, we stop feeling loved. We no longer feel full. Instead, we feel empty. We dont like ourselves, so we empty our lives instead of filling ourselves with the love we need. We fill our lungs with smoke and empty out our health. We fill our bodies with liquor and empty out our brains. We fill our stomachs with food and empty out our self-respect. We feel increasingly hollow and empty as we continue to engage in these selfdestructive behaviors. Over time, we grow weaker and less capable of handling the challenges of life. We grow increasingly needy for the chemicals and addictions we think will make us strong. When we get trapped in this self-destructive, downward spiral, we empty out everything we need to survive. When sexual abuse works, we blame ourselves for the abuse. We decide that we were bad or that we must have done something terrible to provoke the abuser. Maybe we were too seductive. Maybe if we hadnt been such a bad little boy or girl, they wouldnt have molested us. Maybe it really is our fault. Maybe all were good for is sex, so at least we should get paid for having sex. Maybe if we use enough drugs, sleep with enough people, drink enough alcohol, take enough pills, or smoke enough cigarettes, we will feel better. But we never do. We only feel worse. And the more we abuse ourselves, the worse we feel. When sexual abuse works, we stop caring. We decide that it is hopeless. All we will ever feel is pain. All we will ever be good for is sex. All we can ever do is self-

medicate. All we will ever know is abuse. We will never break free and never feel better. We will continue to abuse ourselves, and we will continue to be abused. Sexual abuse leads to low self-esteem. But every negative pattern we change, every issue we resolve, every addiction we conquer, every negative belief we reprogram will improve our self-esteem. Low self-esteem is not an accident. It has many causes. Yet every one of those causes can be discovered, examined, explained, and reversed. Low self-esteem does not need to be permanent. It does not have to be a lifesentence. But to improve our self-esteem, we must begin to change the way we think about and relate to ourselves.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Low Self-Esteem (To Myself): I hate myself. I hate feeling so weak. If hate feeling so much fear and so much pain. I hate my inability to control my life, my powerlessness, and my vulnerability. Sexual abuse leads to low self-esteem because it takes the worst parts of being human and puts them right in my face! (My wise, inner voice): Its okay to be vulnerable. Its okay to have no control. Its okay to feel weak. You are a good person, even when you feel down on yourself. You dont need to have absolute control. I need to accept some vulnerability in my life, some lack of control, and some weakness. I need to stop trying to control things that are beyond my control. I dont need to feel so afraid of my past or my future. I can love myself. I can love my vulnerability and my weaknesses. I can allow these feelings to pass through me without becoming self-destructive.

Personal Journal Entries Entry#2: Fear of Sexual Abuse I feel a lot of fear. I am still afraid of the abuse. Sometimes Im so afraid that I attract people or situations that remind me of the past. I am attracted to women who were sexually abused. I shake with fear and terror when I think about what happened to me. I experience flashbacks and terrifying dreams. I need to release my fear. I need to allow myself to feel it and let it to pass through me. I dont want to keep these feelings bottled up inside of me anymore. I dont want to let this fear control me.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #3: Anger at God I dont think God should allow adults to sexually abuse children, because children have no way to stop the abuse. They are so physically, mentally, and emotionally defenseless. The abuser is in a position of total power. This is completely unjust, the most wrongful injustice there is. I had no defense against my abusers. I could not cry out, or I would be silenced. I could not object, or I would be cut down. I could not complain, because no one would believe me. Sexual abuse is so unfair, so painful, and so wrong. The abuse I experienced hurt me on the deepest levels. Im angry with God, angry with my abusers, and angry at the world.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #4: Anger at People Today I was wondering why I hate myself so much, and I realized that the answer is people. People can be so cruel to me, so disrespectful or downright abusive. How can I maintain my self-esteem when other people are abusing me? Even when Im being good to myself, others can still disrespect me. They can still hurt me. I hate feeling so vulnerable to the actions of others, but what can I do? At some point in our lives, we all get hurt. Others will always have the power to hurt us, and thats never going to change. Its important to remove ourselves from abusive situations because we owe that to ourselves. But sometimes we cant stop the abuse. Sometimes an abuser is blind to the hurt they cause. Their own mind lies to them. Their denial protects them from the truth of what they are doing. Some abusers live in a self-delusional world where they can do no wrong. I cant control my self-esteem because I cant control the hurtful actions of others. That fact is very discouraging. Ill never be able to leave an abusive relationship with my self-esteem intact, even if I do everything right. Even if I do everything in my power to protect myself from harm. Sometimes when I remove myself from an abusive relationship, its too late. The damage is already done. My self-esteem is destroyed. I have to accept that people can hurt me. Yet I can heal my pain when I allow myself to grieve. When bad things happen to me, I can continue to be good to myself and take care of myself. I can begin to love myself again, and work to heal the trauma. Its horrible that people can hurt me, but the truth is that Im human. Sometimes I am going to get hurt. I cannot always prevent bad things from happening to me. I can only help myself to heal.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #5: Low Self-Esteem is a Belief Low self-esteem is a belief, supported by fear, that having been sexually abused means something about me. I have believed that being sexually abused makes me a bad person. (My wise, inner voice): If you believe you are a bad person, your logic is defective! You are a good person. Here is my faulty logic: 1. I was sexually abused. Therefore, I deserve to be abused. 2. Nobody loved me. Therefore, I dont deserve to be loved. 3. I felt abandoned by God. Therefore, God doesnt love me. 4. I had to do what my abusers forced me to do. Therefore, I am evil. It may be true that I was sexually abused. It may be true that my abusers did not love me. I did feel abandoned by God, and I did have to do what my abusers forced me to do. But the conclusions I came to about myself were based on circular logic, and they make no sense. They are an attempt to blame myself for the actions of another. 1. Even if I was abused, I still dont deserve to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused. 2. Just because my abusers didnt love me doesnt mean that I dont deserve to be loved or that I am unlovable. Being a child of God makes me worthy of all the love this world has to offer. I am special, unique, and important to God, myself, and others. 3. I felt abandoned by God, but God still loves me. God loved me when those things were happening. He/She still loves me today. The love of God will never change, even when its hard for me to understand why He/She allowed me to suffer. 4. If I did what my abusers forced me to do, I need to forgive myself for being a scared kid. I wasnt strong enough to stand up to them. What happened is not my fault. Other peoples actions cannot change who I am. I was a good person when I was born, I was a good person when I was being abused, and I am a good person today. Nothing can ever change the good person inside of me.

Process Questions How would I rate my self-esteem on a scale of 1-10? What are the reasons it is at that level?

How do I feel about myself right now?

What are some of the things I could start doing right away to improve my self-esteem? (Clean the house, get a haircut, start an exercise program, stop a self-abusive pattern or addiction, talk to someone about the way I feel, start writing about my feelings and beliefs in a journal, enroll in a school or university to get a better career, read positive self-affirmations, get out of the house and start being social again, etc)

How would my life improve if I had better self-esteem? (Would I have more selfconfidence, better communication skills, be more assertive, take better care of myself, develop healthier relationships, or set positive goals for my future?)

Chapter 17 High Self-Esteem You cannot be lonely if you like the person youre alone with. -Dr. Wayne W. Dyer Survivors of sexual abuse often feel devalued and disrespected. Some of us were treated as if we were not even human. In the beginning, most of us resisted the abuse and what it meant for our selfesteem. There was a part of us that thought, This is wrong and I deserve to be loved. But that part of us grew weaker over time. That part of us was eventually replaced by another voice. A voice inside our head that said, Im a worthless piece of garbage, and I deserve to be abused. At the root of our transformation from self-esteem to self-loathing was a desire to understand what was happening to us. Sexual abuse causes a deep conflict within our mind. Why am I being abused if Im a good person? Why am I being treated like garbage if I deserve to be treated with respect? Why, why, why? Why are my parents or family members abusing me when theyre supposed to love me? Why is my childhood a horrible nightmare when its supposed to be a time for love, safety, and support? Why do I feel so bad when I should feel so good? Why am I so ashamed of my body? Why are my abusers so angry with me? Why do they yell at me, hit me, or rape me? Can a child understand? Can anyone understand why some children dont get the love they deserve? At first, we may have thought our abusers were omnipotent. They seemed so powerful and in control. At some point, we may have believed that they knew what they were doing. We may have concluded that we were getting what we deserved, or that we must have done something terribly wrong to deserve their abuse. Blaming ourselves made us feel like we were still in control. It made us feel like we still understood the world. It made us think there was some logic to what was happening to us. But it was a lie. Our transformation from self-esteem to self-loathing was insidious. When we decided that we were bad, we began to abuse ourselves. We lost our ability to treat ourselves with love and respect. We lost our ability to insist that others treat us well. When we fail to reverse this destructive, downward spiral, we lose our lives to abuse, addiction, and death. To reverse this terrible process, we must realize the truth. Being abused is always a question, never a statement of fact. When our abuser told us, You are a worthless piece of garbage, what he/she was really saying was, I want you to believe you are a worthless piece of garbage. Will you believe it? Sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse for that matter, is an attack on our self-esteem. In our minds, we hear what our abusers are saying but dont always realize they are issuing a challenge. It has always been up to us to decide what to believe about ourselves. An abuser cannot tell us who we are. Sure, they can make our lives hell. They can put us in hellishly painful situations that cause a great deal of emotional damage. When we were children, most of us could not understand that the abuser was challenging us. Even worse, this challenge may have come from someone who was much older, much stronger, and more powerful than we were at the time.

Yet our failure to understand the nature of this challenge does not change the truth. Abuse is always a question, never a statement of fact. It is a lie. It is an attempt to intimidate and bully us. Our abusers wanted to hurt someone with their anger. Someone whom they believed could not stand up to their abuse. They wanted us to be their victim. They wanted to make us believe that we deserved to be abused. So they asked us questions that were disguised as fact. Are you a bad child? Do you deserve to be yelled at? Do you deserve to be attacked? Do you deserve to be criticized unfairly? Do you deserve to be hit? Do you deserve to be raped? Is it your fault that Im raping you? Is it your fault that I dont love you? Is it your fault that I wont support you? Is it your fault that I withhold love and attention until you give me what I want? Is there something I can say or do to justify my abuse of you? Do you deserve the pain, suffering, and agony I am inflicting upon you? Do I have the right to abuse you because you are my child? Will you be the victim I want you to become? Questions, questions, and more questions, but not a single statement of fact. Could it be that the answer to all of their implied questions is a resounding No! Could it be that we are wonderful, loveable, spiritual, kind souls who deserve all the love this world has to offer? How did they want us to answer every one of their implied questions? Yes, yes, and yes. To get their love, to get their approval, we had to answer yes. Yes, I deserve to be abused. Yes, Im a bad boy/girl. Yes, its okay for you to abuse me. Yes, you have the right to abuse me because Im your child. Yes, I am bad. Yes, I will be the victim you want me to become. Some abusers worked very hard to brainwash us. Every time we said no to one of their implied questions, we paid the price. If we said, No, I dont deserve to be abused, they would abuse us even worse and withhold any further love and approval. If we said, No, I wont be the person youre trying to turn me into, they would work twice as hard to break us down. We learned that we couldnt win. The only way to survive was to become the person they wanted us to be. Some of us desperately wanted our abusers love and approval. Our longing for love and care made it easier for them to exploit us. Its time to realize that its all okay. We cannot condemn ourselves for trying to survive. We cannot condemn ourselves for wanting their love and approval. We cannot second-guess the logic of a vulnerable, needy child who was faced with an impossible situation. But the things we came to believe about ourselves were lies. They were a product of manipulation, terror, and brainwashing. Its time to question whether anyone deserves to be abused. Its time to examine the way we choose to treat ourselves. Its time to discover what we actually deserve as children of God. To reverse this brainwashing, we must reverse all of the negative beliefs we embraced about ourselves. We need to consciously say no to every implied question. High self-esteem is something that happens when we realize we are good people and we deserve all the good things this world has to offer. Positive beliefs about ourselves translate into positive actions. When we learn to treat ourselves with respect, take care of our needs, and set healthy boundaries, we create strong foundations for our future. Good self-esteem comes from healing sexual abuse.

There are many benefits to good self-esteem. When we like ourselves, we begin to feel more confident. We gain the strength to face lifes challenges. Confidence can help us trust that we will be all right, no matter what happens. High self-esteem leads to freedom. The more confident we feel, the more we reject abuse in our daily lives. We recognize abusive partners before we get into relationships with them. We stop feeling attracted to abusers. We begin to set healthy boundaries. We begin to reserve our trust for those people who prove worthy of it. Good self-esteem is a product of our beliefs and our choices. It comes from believing positive things about ourselves. It comes from seeing our past in a realistic way. If we were convinced that the abuse was our fault, we begin to realize the truth. We were good people when we were born, we were good people when we were being abused, and we are still good people today. One of the obstacles we face is that we are only able to believe those things about ourselves we have the strength to believe. Our abusers did everything in their power to break us down and make us feel weak. They wanted to make us question our worth. They wanted to control us. They tried to take away our physical and emotional safety. They tried to take away our sexual integrity. They wanted us to feel powerless and afraid. They knew that if they ever allowed us to experience our personal strength and power, we would have used it to defy them and their abuse. They wanted to keep us weak so we could not make up our own minds about who we were, what we deserved, and why we were being abused. They realized that if they could only break us down enough, they could tell us what to believe. They could tell us that the abuse was our fault or that we were bad. They could tell us that we didnt deserve any better. Its time to nurture the strength inside so we can decide for ourselves what we want to believe. High self-esteem is the result of positive action. It comes from demonstrating love for ourselves by engaging in good self-care (Chapter 26) and avoiding self-sabotage (Chapter 9). We demonstrate love for ourselves by treating ourselves with kindness and respect. Inner healing is a process. We need to heal the wounds of our inner child (Chapter 14). We need to release our pain (Chapter 7) and our fear (Chapter 19). We need to reprogram our beliefs about the abuse (Chapter 17), treat ourselves with love and respect, and demand that others treat us well (Chapter 28). Our self-esteem improves when we nurture the power within us. Without the strength that comes from self-love and self-care, we might never develop the courage to reject the lies of our past. We are good people. Its time to build ourselves up physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually so that we have the strength to believe it.

Exercise 17-1 Refuting the Lies Please read these statements out loud: 1. Abuser: You are a bad boy/girl. Us: No, I am good. I am a child of God. 2. Abuser: You deserve this. Us: No, I dont deserve your abuse. No one deserves to be abused. 3. Abuser: You are a sexual object. Us: No. I am a loveable human being. I am not some object for you to use. 4. Abuser: You are powerless. Us: No. I am strong. I can make my own decisions about who I am and what I choose to believe about myself. 5. Abuser: You have to do what I say. Us: No. I dont need you anymore. I needed you as a child, and you abused my trust. Now I love myself, and I will take good care of myself. 6. Abuser: What Im doing to you is okay. Us: No. Its not okay for you to abuse me. What you are doing is wrong. 7. Abuser: You need to keep this a secret. Us: No. I will tell anyone I need to about the abuse if it will help me to heal. 8. Abuser: You are weak. Us: No. I am stronger than your abuse. 9. Abuser: I want you to be my victim. Us: No. I will not be your victim. 10. Abuser: Ill love you if you just do what I say. Us: No you wont. You will continue to abuse me. 11. Abuser: Im doing this because I love you. Us: No, you are only using me. 12. Abuser: I am an adult, so I know better than you. Us: No. You are ignorant and cruel. Your actions show me that you know how to abuse me, not that you know how to love me.

Exercise 17-2 Reprogramming ourselves Repeat these statements as often as necessary, processing whatever feelings come up: 1. Do I deserve to be yelled at? No. I deserve to be treated with respect. 2. Do I deserve unhealthy criticism? No. I deserve to be complimented on the things I do well and praised for my positive qualities. 3. Do I deserve to be hit? No. I deserve to be safe and free from harm. 4. Do I deserve to be raped? No. I deserve to have my sexual choices respected. 5. Is it my fault that he/she raped me? No. I didnt do anything to deserve what he/she did. There is nothing I could have done to deserve his/her abuse. 6. Is it my fault that he/she didnt treat me with love? No. I deserve to be loved. God created me, and God doesnt make junk. 7. Is it my fault that he/she didnt support me? No. I deserve to be loved and supported so that I can grow to reach my full potential. I deserve to be encouraged. 8. Is it my fault that my abusers withheld love and approval from me until I gave them what they wanted? No. I deserved to be loved without accepting their abuse, approving of what they were doing, or participating in their mind games. 9. Is it okay for him/her to abuse me? No. Nothing can ever justify the way he/she treated me. 10. Did he/she have the right to abuse me because I was his/her child? No. The opposite is true. A persons children deserve the best treatment anyone can receive. 11. Will I be the person he/she tried to turn me into? No. I will heal the wounds of my past. I will take a different path. I will find my freedom. I will treat myself with love and respect. I will recover my pride, my dignity, and my self-esteem. I will chart a positive course for my life. 12. I dont have to agree with anything my abuser did, said, thought, believed, or tried to make me believe. I regain true freedom when I regain my own thoughts, beliefs, and an understanding that I truly am a good person.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: About Self-Esteem One way to discover how I feel about myself is by observing my thoughts when Im alone. Do I enjoy my own company? I need love in order to feel good about myself. I need love from myself, from others, and from God. In the past, I tried to convince myself that I didnt need love. I intentionally shut myself off from the love that I needed by isolating myself, avoiding others, or holding onto negative beliefs. Is my self-esteem improving? Yes, because Im not sabotaging myself anymore. Im fighting the I dont care syndrome. The words I dont care are the opposite of self-love. What I will say instead is, I do care, and Im going to do this for myself. If theres something I can do thats positive and within my control, I am going to do it. We can always choose to be good to ourselves. We do have control over our own actions. We can take control over our own thoughts. We cannot abdicate responsibility by claiming that we have no control. When we feel encouraged, we act in positive ways. If we feel discouraged, we act in negative ways. But either way, we are still in control of our actions and we still have a choice! Negative thinking can make us feel discouraged. We may think to ourselves, My actions have no effect on the world. I have no control over what happens in life. Im angry, and I just dont care anymore. I refuse to take responsibility for my negative behaviors. I am going to abuse myself, sabotage myself, and neglect myself. Negative thinking often leads to self-destructive, irresponsible behavior. Positive thinking can make us feel encouraged. Sometimes we think to ourselves, I do have control over my actions, so I will choose to love myself, support myself, and take good care of myself. I care about the choices I make, because I am responsible for my well-being. Im happy that I have control over my own behavior. My actions have a positive effect on my self-esteem. It is possible to control ourselves. When we release the world around us, embrace ourselves, and start taking responsibility for our own behavior, we regain what is truly important in life.

Exercise 17-4 Self-Esteem Affirmations 1. I love myself unconditionally. 2. I am a good person. 3. I deserve all the good things this world has to offer. 4. God loves me, and He/She is pleased with me. 5. I will reward myself when I do well, support myself, and ask for help when I face difficulties. 6. I am a loveable person. 7. I deserve success in every area of my life (relationships, work, and home). 8. The things I do are important to me, to others, and to God. 9. I am a child of God, and God doesnt make junk.

Stepping Stones to Health High Self-Esteem -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I feel terrible about myself. _____ 2. I think I may have one or two good qualities. _____ 3. I like certain parts of myself. _____ 4. I like myself in some ways, but I wish I would take better care of myself. _____ 5. I think I will take better care of myself. _____ 6. I have started doing things to take better care of myself and treat myself well. _____ 7. I think I deserve the good things in life. _____ 8. I like myself in some ways, but there are still some parts of my personality or behavior that I dont like. _____ 9. I am actively doing whatever I can to build myself up physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. _____ 10. I like myself more and more every day.

Chapter 18 Powerlessness When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. -Audre Lorde Abusers are motivated by anger, but their true goal is power. Why do some people seek power over others? What makes an abuser so angry that they are willing to hurt another person? What makes us so angry that we are willing to hurt ourselves? Power is our ability to affect other people and the world around us. It has been said that, Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. But I disagree. Power, in itself, is neither good nor evil. Throughout history, power has been used to perpetrate acts of evil, but it has also been used to accomplish incredible good. Some of the greatest figures in history used their power to help others. Control is our ability to make something happen or get something we want. But there are other ways we can affect the world around us. Terrorists blow up buildings and kill innocent civilians. While this may not give them control, they feel powerful because they are able to affect the world in a very visible way. Some people try to substitute power for self-esteem. They tell themselves, If I can affect other people or the world around me, that makes me important. Others will have to deal with me. Yet feeling important and feeling good about yourself are not the same thing. Real self-esteem comes from believing you are a good person. In this world, good people do not always have much power, and people with a lot of power are not always good. Sometimes we are faced with situations in our lives that make us feel powerless. Situations where our actions seem to have no effect on the world. We want to change our circumstances, but we cant. We wish we could change the way we feel, because all we feel is pain. We wish we could influence other people, but they refuse to change and they wont stop abusing us. Feelings of powerlessness are frightening because power is an essential component of free will. Without power, there is no way to get what we need or what we want. Powerlessness feels like screaming underwater. No one hears us and no one cares. Powerlessness can feel like weakness. In nature, a lion gets what it wants because of its relative size and strength. A deer is more likely to be eaten because of its relative weakness. The natural, physical weaknesses we experience as women or children can be exploited and used against us. What were our abusers trying to gain? Abusers feel powerful when they believe they are in control of another person. By sexually abusing others, they wield a powerful ability to affect another persons life. For an abuser, feelings of power come from controlling, influencing, and dominating a victim. They feel powerful as a result of their victims relative weakness. An abusers desire for power and control is often an attempt to suppress deep feelings of weakness, pain, and fear within themselves. The greater an abusers fear of his/her own feelings, the stronger his/her desire for power and control. There is a struggle within each one of us between the part of us that wants to do the right thing and the part of us that wants to feel powerful and in control. When a person gives in to his/her lust for power, his/her morals only get in the way. People

cannot adhere to a strict, moral code of conduct and continue to injure or exploit a defenseless victim. All people experience a desire for power. Yet different people express this desire in different ways. As addicts, we drink, smoke, or slam drugs when we feel powerless. We abuse substances in an attempt to feel more powerful or in control. Some of us express our desire for power through sexual addiction. Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a strong need to feel in control of their sexuality. We turn to prostitution or pornography to try and medicate feelings of sexual weakness or powerlessness. We engage in sexual behaviors that make us feel powerful and in control. Many sex addicts avoid committed relationships. This allows them to choose from a variety of sexual partners, and to choose how often they have sex. Some sex addicts feel that their addictive behaviors have restored their freedom of choice in the realm of sexuality. People turn to all sorts of compulsive behaviors when they want to feel powerful and in control. These patterns can include anorexia, bulimia, gambling, co-dependency, overeating, or becoming a workaholic. Yet regardless of the particular game we are playing, our objective is the same. We want to feel powerful, be in control, or change the way we feel. As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us compromise our morals or personal code of conduct to gain feelings of power and control, just as our abusers did. We try to justify our self-destructive behaviors by claiming that, Im not hurting anyone but myself. But really, thats not true. If we are actively engaged in an addiction, we are hurting everyone who cares about us. As survivors of sexual abuse, we dont want to feel weak or powerless any more than our abusers did. Yet our morals and personal code of conduct will not allow us to abuse others in the same way that we were abused. I visited Germany one year after the Berlin Wall came down. West Germany was filled with expression and color. The people seemed happy and free. East Germany felt gray, lifeless, and depressed. The Soviet Union had never repaired the damage from World War Two. Blackened, bombed-out buildings lined the streets. I realized in that moment that freedom of choice is only meaningful when we have the power to realize our choices. No one wants to feel powerless, yet sometimes we have to accept some weakness in our lives. When we turn to addictions to avoid our feelings, we are running from the truth of this world. As our addictions grow, we may be forced to compromise our morals and our values. Do we care about doing what is right? Fear can be a strong motivator. It is our societys collective fear of weakness that led to the saying, Nice guys finish last. People who stick to a strong moral code of conduct may feel weak or taken for granted in their daily lives. They may not get the promotion at work, or make as much money as other, more ruthless employees. They may be pushed aside by people who are willing to hurt others to get to the top. People who believe in a strong moral code have to accept some weakness in their lives. Most of us want to be comfortable, have some nice things, and retain a certain degree of freedom, personal power, and control. Most of us are not selfless servants of God.

As survivors of sexual abuse, we feel violated by what happened to us. But we have no desire to repeat the cycle of abuse. Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to strive for progress, not perfection, and this is the truth that most of us live by. It is probably not realistic to believe that we will become perfect saints in this lifetime. Only that we will become more loving in all of our relationships and keep moving in a positive direction. We can grow more tolerant of weakness. We can try to face our fears instead of succumbing to temptation. We can become less hurtful and more loving, less hateful and more forgiving, less controlling and more accepting. We can learn to experience our feelings instead of numbing them with addictions. While it is important to be realistic, we must always look to hope. As survivors in recovery, we are on the road to something better and every day we take another step.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: When I Feel Powerless 1. I find healthy ways of expressing my anger. (Exercising, kick-boxing, venting with a friend, yelling when no ones around, writing about my feelings, etc) 2. I allow myself to feel my fear. I allow my body to shake instead of turning to drugs or alcohol. 3. I do whatever I can to improve my situation. 4. I pray for God to help me let go of the things I cannot change. 5. I realize that I am only human. 6. I hold onto hope that my situation will improve if I keep doing the right things.

Process Questions In what ways have I felt powerless in the past?

What are some of the things I did to make myself feel powerful? Which of these approaches were healthy? Which were self-destructive or harmful to others?

What are some of the ways I could cope with my feelings of powerlessness? (Talk about them with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor? Try to allow my feelings to happen and let them pass through me? Work on letting go by praying and turning my situation over to God?)

Have I ever tried to control something I could not control? What did that feel like?

Have I ever succeeded in letting go of something I could not control? How did that feel?

Chapter 19 Fear I will show you fear in a handful of dust. -T.S. Eliot Sexual abuse is a terrifying concept. Most of us dont want to talk about it or think about it. We would prefer to pretend that it doesnt exist. Sometimes we wonder, Why did that abuse happen to me? Was I too attractive? Was I behaving too seductively? Did I send the wrong signals to my abuser? If we think this way, it is because we are looking in the wrong place. Sexual abuse is not impossible to predict. But the determining factors lie within an abuser, not within us. Its as if we were caught up in a terrible storm. We survived, but for many of us, the event changed our lives forever. Some of us blame ourselves for the abuse. We decide that we didnt build a strong enough house. We were too vulnerable. Others blame God. We believe that God was angry with us or wanted to destroy our lives. We feel abandoned by Him/Her, or that He/She didnt care what happened to us. We shake our fists at the sky. Some of us blame mother nature. We wish that science would discover a way to prevent storms. Some of us believe it was fate. We come to believe that storms are part of the natural order. Our house was demolished because it was time for us to move on. I believe that healing the pain of sexual abuse is an opportunity to grow. There are three possible reactions to having been abused. The first is to sexually abuse others in exactly the same way we were abused. The second is to turn our anger inwards and abuse ourselves with addictions and other self-destructive behaviors. The third is to decide that we will never abuse others or ourselves. Abuse is like a storm we cannot predict or control. Our only choice lies in our response. The final challenge of sexual abuse is learning to treat ourselves with dignity and respect, even when we have been abused. Denial is the worst type of fear. A mother in denial about the sexual abuse of a child may ignore what is happening or fail to hold an abusive husband or partner accountable. She may even blame the child for the abuse. Some mothers fear that confronting an abusive partner could lead to emotional or financial ruin for her and her children. She may blame herself for not being attractive enough to her partner. When we find the courage to tell others we were abused, our revelation is rarely met with empathy. No one wants to hear it. No one wants to believe it happened. Some would prefer we had remained silent. They would rather believe that sexual abuse always happens in someone elses home. It could never happen in my family, they say. It could never happen in my house. Fear can lead family members to keep quiet and avoid confronting the abuser. Abusers remain in denial or fail to take responsibility for their actions. Survivors try to pretend the abuse never happened, blame themselves, or medicate their feelings with addiction. Fear of sexual abuse perpetuates sexual abuse.

Which person in this unhealthy family system fears sexual abuse the most? Who was made to suffer? Who was made to feel incredibly powerless? Who was molested or raped as a child or adult? Whose beliefs about the safety of this world were forever changed? Whose childhood or innocence was lost? Who must work the hardest to pick up the pieces? We have more reason to fear sexual abuse than anyone. It affected our lives and ravaged our self-esteem. While others can try to deny it, pretend that it didnt happen, or believe it wasnt that bad, we cannot. Our lives were forever altered by something that is terribly real. We have to face sexual abuse. Not because we ever wanted to, but because we have no choice. Sexual abuse is the most frightening subject there is. Murder? Many of us would have preferred death to the abuse we endured. Torture? Some of us were tortured over and over again. Betrayal? There is no deeper form of betrayal than a parent sexually abusing his/her own child. Rape? Some of us were raped at a young age, when we were completely vulnerable and incapable of defending ourselves. It is scary. We were terrified. We were traumatized. We have every reason to feel the way we do. No, were not crazy. Anyone else, if faced with the same terrifying abuse, would have responded in a similar way. Were not strange and were not broken. But we are wounded and we do need to heal. Sometimes our inner child still feels afraid years after the abuse occurred. We can get stuck in our trauma and experience flashbacks to the abuse. The degree of trauma a person experiences depends on how painful or frightening the circumstances were. Most people are more comfortable discussing the horrors of war than the horrors of sexual abuse. Which is more frightening? Which is more traumatic? Anyone who survived years of severe sexual abuse knows the answer to that question. But despite the fact that sexual abuse is traumatic, we can still choose to make mature, responsible decisions as adults. No matter how afraid we feel, we cannot allow our frightened, inner child to sabotage our growth. The more we understand, the less we fear. The more we realize we were not to blame for the abuse, the less we blame ourselves. The more we release the terror we experienced as children, the less terror we experience as adults. We cannot give in to fear. We cannot give up on healing. We cannot allow the abuse of our past to destroy the hope of our future. Fear can be a powerful foe. It may have persuaded us to make poor decisions. It may have urged us to abuse alcohol and drugs. It may have convinced us to stay in abusive relationships. It may have challenged our self-worth. It may have led us to question our belief in God. But fear is like a dragon. It is thirty feet long, with razor sharp fangs and claws. It has thick scales that cannot be penetrated by any lance or arrow. It breathes fire, consuming all in its wake. It is powerful, majestic, and terrifying. The grandest of all monsters, the perfect killing machine, and the destroyer of all we hold dear. Until we realize that it isnt real.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Fear of Sexual Abuse When I experience flashbacks to the abuse, I shake with fear. I wanted so desperately to stop what was happening to me, but there was nothing I could do. I let myself shake when I feel afraid, because I want to release my fear. When I was abused, I was trapped in a terrifying situation and there was no escape. Sometimes I still feel afraid of losing control. Im afraid I will lose control over the fear and the pain inside of me. The fear of sexual abuse. The pain of betrayal. God, I feel so betrayed. When I allow myself to shake and release my fear, I begin to feel less afraid with time. I deserve to be loved, not betrayed! I need to remember that my fear is temporary. My depression, which often results from fear and negative thinking, is also temporary. It will pass. Fear is not unlimited. The more I release, the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Fear of Fear I am shaking with fear and flashing back to the abuse. Why am I so afraid? Im afraid of my fear because: 1. This fear causes me to go deeply into depression. Sometimes I dont believe I can complete my daily routine, because all of my thoughts have turned negative. 2. I dont want to get hysterical or have a nervous breakdown. 3. Im afraid of losing my job if I break down or get overly emotional at work. 4. My fear makes me feel like Im losing control. 5. Im afraid that my fear will overwhelm me. 6. Sometimes my fear makes me feel like Im going crazy. 7. This fear challenges my self-esteem. The outcome of my life is in Gods hands. I need to let go of control. Ive been afraid that my fear would kill me. (Wise, inner voice): Okay, an honest question. Will your fear kill you? No. Fear alone cannot kill me. It cannot destroy me. What is the worst that could happen? I could have a nervous breakdown and spend a couple of weeks in the funny farm. And would that really be so bad? Fear is temporary. My depression, which is often the result of my fear and negative thinking, is also temporary. It will pass. Fear is not unlimited. The more I release, the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #3: Releasing Control and Understanding Depression Its time for me to realize that I cant control my fear. I cant stop it, I cant avoid it, I cant prevent it, and I cant make it better. I cant keep it from affecting me. All I can do is try to work through it. (Wise, inner voice): Have courage. Your fear cannot destroy you. You are an eternal child of God. Fear leads to depression and low self-esteem. When I feel depressed, I start thinking negatively about work, life, my future, and my value as a person. Negative thoughts about myself lead to low self-esteem. They cause me to abuse myself, criticize myself, or feel ashamed. Much of my depression and low self-esteem is the result of my fear. My head is full of garbage and its time to take out the trash.

Exercise 19-1 Facing Your Fears -Ask yourself the following questions about your biggest fears. In order to face our fears, we must first understand what it is that we are afraid of. Write down the answers to each of the following questions on a separate sheet of paper: 1. What is it Im afraid of? 2. What are the reasons Im afraid of this thing? 3. What might happen if this thing came true? 4. What is the worst that could happen if this thing came true? 5. Is it likely that this thing will come true? 6. If this thing came true, would it lead to my death? 7. If this thing came true, could I recover? 8. Is this a healthy or unhealthy fear? Does this fear keep me safe from harm, or is it illogical? 9. Does this fear make my life better or worse? 10. Could I try to prevent this thing from happening? What could I do? 11. Is this fear something I need to let go of? 12. If I need to let go of this fear, what might help me to let go of it? 13. Who could I talk to about this fear? 14. Can I reassure myself that it will be OK? 15. Can I pray about this fear or turn it over to God?

Chapter 20 Control By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning. -Lao Tzu Sometimes our lives feel like a battle-zone. Were angry, were nervous, and were not happy with anything. Were smoking too many cigarettes or drinking too much coffee. Weve tried everything, but nothing seems to work. We cant satisfy this hunger, because what we want is intangible. What were looking for is control. Unlike power, control is specific. We want control over a particular situation in our lives. We wish we could just press a button and get instant results. We want to be the Wizard of Oz, sitting behind the curtain and throwing the switches that make everything happen. Why do we get so angry and depressed when we feel like were not in control of our lives? Why does sexual abuse so often lead to control issues? Most of us wish we could have done something to stop the abuse or prevent it from happening. I believe that the root of our need for control lies within our desire to feel safe and secure. We fear what will happen if we lose control. Most of us try to avoid losing control because we dont want to feel powerless. We are disgusted with our childhood, and upset that we couldnt do anything to stop the abuse. We hate feeling dependent on others, because feeling needy as children made us more vulnerable to the abuse. At some point, we stopped asking for help. When we are floating in a sea of pain, grief, and despair, it can take all of our strength just to keep from drowning. At times like this, we may be tempted to turn to our addictions and other compulsive behaviors. Most of us try to avoid anything that is negative, scary, or disappointing. We dont really want the ups and downs of life. We only want the ups. The problem is that the harder we run from our fears, the more they seem to catch up with us. The harder we try to silence them, the more they cry out to be heard. Avoidance is not a good strategy for life. Running away from lifes challenges can actually keep us from ever gaining true wisdom and happiness. Some of the most powerful lessons in life involve facing our fear and our pain. Moving through grief returns us to joy. Resolving issues of sexual abuse helps us to develop healthier relationships. Releasing pain often leads to freedom. Conquering fear leads to courage. There is something magical that happens when we finally choose to face our fear. When we finally proclaim, You will not control me anymore. We cant always avoid what we fear. When we face our fears and take responsibility for our actions, we get better at facing lifes challenges. Thats not to say we should give up on our goals. Only that we need to allow ourselves to experience both the ups and the downs of life. We must be willing to learn from the good times and the bad.

Exercise 20-1 Control List: -Below is a list of the things people try to control. Place a number between one and ten beside the top ten things you wish you could control. _____ 1. The impact of the sexual abuse on my life _____ 2. My financial situation _____ 3. My job situation _____ 4. My addiction _____ 5. My significant other _____ 6. My children _____ 7. My parents _____ 8. My friends _____ 9. My sexuality _____ 10. My health _____ 11. My self-esteem _____ 12. My social-life _____ 13. Feeling safe _____ 14. Feelings of stress _____ 15. Feelings of powerlessness _____ 16. Feelings of anger _____ 17. Feelings of fear _____ 18. Feelings of sadness _____ 19. Feelings of depression _____ 20. Feelings of low self-esteem _____ 21. Romantic relationships _____ 22. My living arrangements _____ 23. My legal problems _____ 24. My abuser or abusers _____ 25. My weight _____ 26. My confidence _____ 27. Being loved _____ 28. Feeling comfortable _____ 29. Feeling spiritual 1. Fill out a control worksheet (printed below) for each of the top ten things you wish you could control. In the first column, write about the ways you cannot control this person or situation. In the second column, make a list of the ways you can influence this person or situation in a healthy way to make yourself feel better and get more of what you want. Copy this worksheet as many times as necessary to complete the exercise. 2. Have a conversation with the part of you that wants to be in control. Ask it the following questions. A) What is it you want to control? B) What would happen if you lost control over this person or situation? C) How would you feel if you lost control over this person or situation? D) What might happen if you allowed yourself to face your fears?

Control Worksheet The thing I would like to control is: ________________________________ In what ways do I have no control over this person or situation? 1. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 2. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 3. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 4. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 5. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ What are the healthy ways that I can influence this person or situation to help me feel better and get more of what I want? 1. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 2. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 3. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 4. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ 5. _____________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________

Chapter 21 Anger Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly hurt, bitterness, grief, and most of all, fear. -Joan Rivers It is normal to feel angry when we have been abused. Some of us express our anger by yelling and throwing things. Others become manipulative, passive-aggressive, or overly controlling. Some of us try to become perfect. We work too hard and push ourselves too hard. We become critical of our appearance or belittle our accomplishments. We develop selfdestructive attitudes and behaviors. Sometimes we direct our anger at the ones we love. We become verbally or emotionally abusive. Other times, we direct our anger at our bodies. We abuse ourselves with alcohol and drugs or disregard what our body needs to be healthy. Some of us express our anger by becoming bulimic. We stuff ourselves with food and then throw up for fear of gaining weight. Others become anorexic. We eat very little because we are afraid of gaining weight or because we want to feel in control. Isolating ourselves or avoiding contact with others is another way some of us express our anger. We try to convince ourselves that we are unlovable. Some of us repress our angry feelings or deny that we feel angry. Anger builds up inside of us like steam inside a pressure cooker. When someone says or does something we dont like, we blow up at them. When we are not expressing our anger in a healthy way, we lose control over our feelings. Have you ever lived with someone who repressed their anger? You may have felt like you were walking on egg-shells. No matter what you did, it was the wrong thing to do. No matter how you acted, it was the wrong way to act. No matter what you said, it was taken out of context and used against you. People with repressed anger are likely to overreact. They refuse to take responsibility for their feelings, so they may try to blame you for the way they feel. I used to be in a relationship with a woman who told me it was my fault she exploded with rage on a daily basis. At first, I tried to figure out what I could do to make her happy. But in the end, I realized that she was never going to be happy. I realized that her anger had very little to do with me and my behavior. Abusers are typically very angry people who are looking for someone to abuse. They want to find someone who cant defend themselves verbally, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Abusers want to hurt another person so they can feel powerful and in control. Ultimately, abuse is a game. And what is the goal of this game? To win. To feel powerful. To be in control. Abusers believe they are powerful when we feel weak. They believe they are absolved of responsibility when we blame ourselves for the abuse. They believe they are in control when we feel like we cannot tell others what they did to us. They believe they are in control when we depend on them for the things we need.

They believe they are powerful when we believe their lies. When society blames us for the abuse and families conspire to keep the secret. For all of these reasons and more, abusers become addicted to feelings of power and control. Our abusers attempted to fulfill their desire for power in a very sick way. How can we make sure we never become like them? How can we express our anger without hurting others or ourselves? Anger can fill us with energy and a strong desire to act. This physical fight or flight response can be triggered by memories of the abuse. We begin to physically shake when we are feeling very angry, and we experience a rush of endorphins. For me, a good way to release this pent up energy is through martial arts. I can yell and hit things without hurting myself or anyone else. Becoming skilled at selfdefense improves my physical health and my self-confidence. There are other ways to release aggression without hurting others or ourselves. Go for a run or blow off steam by talking to a good friend. Yell and scream when no one is around. Write your angry feelings down in a journal. It is important to express your anger in an active way whenever possible. We all want others to respect us, but eventually, we have to let go of the past. We need to release our pain. As adults, we can leave abusive jobs and relationships. We can avoid dangerous people and places. We have more control than we did when we were being abused. Yes, we were violated. Yes, we have every right to feel angry. No, we are not going to hurt others or ourselves.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Dealing With Violation Im angry about having been violated. There is a certain amount of integrity I want to maintain, a certain line I do not want others to cross. One of my boundaries is that I want people to respect me sexually. I dont want people to make me do things that are against my will. I dont want to be overpowered. When I was a child, I had no way to protect myself. There was nothing I could do. I was at the mercy of my abusers. It hurts when people violate my boundaries. Sometimes I feel a deep sense of hopelessness about ever being able to set healthy boundaries again. I become so angry with my abusers that I end up violating my own boundaries and mistreating myself. The issue I struggle with is respect. I feel so angry that I was disrespected. I feel angry that people can violate my boundaries whenever they want. What good are boundaries anyway? What difference does it make whether I set healthy boundaries or not? If every boundary I set can be violated by others, why bother setting boundaries at all? I can insist that others respect my boundaries, but what if they dont care? I wish I could protect myself from harm, but in the end, nothing can protect me from harm. I am vulnerable to the cruelty of others. Sexual abuse happens. All I can do is try to heal.

Personal Journal Entry Entry #2: Anger About Violation I have a will, damn it! I dont want to be violated and I dont want to be sexually abused! I dont want to be taken advantage of! Why cant people respect my boundaries? Why did they have to exploit me? Why did they have to use my weakness against me? I deserve to be respected. I deserve compassion. I deserve care. I deserve love. I do not deserve to be abused! Just because you cant stop something from happening doesnt make it right! Its wrong to violate another persons boundaries and exploit their weaknesses! Im so angry! Even God never stopped the abuse. God never did anything to protect my innocence. No one ever protected me from harm! God, why didnt you protect me? I needed you, and you abandoned me!

Personal Journal Entry Entry #3: Gods Role I have thought about what I just wrote, and I realize now that God will not always protect me or give me what I deserve. God will not prevent my heartache, but He/She will love me always. He/She will not take away my fear, but He/She will help me through it. He/She will not defend my boundaries, but I need to keep setting healthy boundaries anyway. I need to do my best to protect myself. I need to respect my own boundaries, and insist that others respect them as well. I have to learn to respect myself, because in the end, setting boundaries is an expression of self-respect, not a guarantee of self-protection. If I have done everything in my power to set healthy boundaries and protect myself, I have done my part. Self-respect must come from within. I have to respect myself, even when others violate my boundaries. Even when others disrespect me. I cant use the fact that I was disrespected in the past as an excuse to disrespect myself. I need to keep setting healthy boundaries.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #4: Releasing Abusers I cant prevent an abuser from violating my boundaries. I have to let go of their choices. I have to try and separate their actions from my basic worth as a person. I need to reject their abuse. I have to release my abusers and leave them behind. Someday they will have to answer for what they have done. But I am not responsible for them. I am responsible for myself. I choose a different path. I choose to respect my boundaries and love myself. I choose to find my own way, develop my own beliefs, and determine my own direction. I choose to form my own opinions about my self-worth, independent of what happened in the past. I am not like my abusers. I take ownership of my heart, my decisions, my pain, my love, my fears, my behaviors, my spirituality, and my life. In the past, I worshipped people with power. I held my abusers in awe. I respected their opinions and looked up to them. Its time that I finally see them clearly. My abusers were not all knowing, as I believed them to be. They were ignorant and cruel. They used their power to exploit me and abuse me.

Exercise 21-1 Coping With Anger What triggers your anger? 1. ___ Being Disrespected 2. ___ Being Overlooked 3. ___ Relationship Issues 4. ___ Financial Stress 5. ___ Lack of Control 6. ___ Powerlessness 7. ___ Work Problems 8. ___ The Bad Behavior Of Others 9. ___ Feeling Taken For Granted 10. ___ Frustration 11. ___ Repeated Failure 12. ___ Being Told What To Do 13. ___ Lack Of Freedom 14. ___ Feeling Tired/Irritable 15. ___ Feeling Hopeless 16. ___ Feeling Disappointed 17. ___ Feeling Depressed 18. ___ Memories Of The Abuse 19. ___ Feeling Overwhelmed 20. ___ Feeling Stressed-Out 21. ___ Feeling Lonely 22. ___ Feeling Abandoned How do you usually cope with your angry feelings? 1. ___ Raise Your Voice 2. ___ Develop Resentments 3. ___ Drink Or Use Drugs 4. ___ Get Short With People 5. ___ Start Verbal Arguments 6. ___ Start Physical Fights 7. ___ Claim That I Dont Care 8. ___ Neglect Your Personal Needs 9. ___ Spend Money Compulsively 10. ___ Eat Compulsively 11. ___ Have Sex Compulsively 12. ___ Overwork 13. ___ Become Judgmental Of Others 14. ___ Fantasize About Acts Of Violence 15. ___ Develop Road Rage 16. ___ Pick On Yourself

17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22.

___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

Pick On Other People Quit Your Job Isolate Yourself And Avoid Family Or Friends Feel Sorry For Yourself Get Depressed Stuff Your Feelings

What are some healthy ways you can release your anger? 1. ___ Physical Exercise 2. ___ Martial Arts/Kickboxing 3. ___ Yell And Scream When No One Is Around 4. ___ Play A Video Game 5. ___ Talk To Someone About Your Feelings 6. ___ Write Your Angry Feelings Down In A Journal 7. ___ Cry 8. ___ Turn To God And Pray 9. ___ Engage In Hobbies 10. ___ Deal With Your Underlying Emotions 11. ___ Allow Yourself To Feel Angry 12. ___ Try to Understand Why Painful Things Happen 13. ___ Stand Up For Yourself 14. ___ Allow Yourself To Feel Frustrated 15. ___ Work To Change The Situation 16. ___ Let Go When You Cant Change The Situation 17. ___ Brainstorm Solutions To The Situation 18. ___ Break Off A Relationship If You Cant Resolve The Problems 19. ___ Continue To Respect Yourself 20. ___ Continue To Respect Others 21. ___ Do Deep Breathing Exercises 22. ___ Count To Ten 23. ___ Remove Yourself From An Anger-Provoking Person Or Situation 24. ___ Work To Find A Compromise With Your Anger-Provoking Person Or Situation 25. ___ Get Lots Of Rest

Chapter 22 Betrayal Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources. -Linda Talley Betrayal occurs when someone misleads us or breaks our trust. Many of us felt deeply betrayed when we were sexually abused. Even now, we may find it difficult to trust others, or difficult to believe that anyone in this world could be worthy of our trust. Some of us had friends or relatives that turned on us or victimized us. We may have been raped or assaulted while on a date. Sometimes our feelings of violation are intense. What is it that our abusers betrayed? If they were parents, pastors, or the leader of a youth organization, they betrayed their position of power and authority. They betrayed the most basic codes of decency and respect. Instead of joy, they gave us pain. Instead of safety, they gave us fear. Betrayal can lead to strong feelings of anger and resentment. We want to be cared for, not abused. A violation of this type can lead to a great deal of hurt and confusion. It can destroy our sense of security. Being sexually abused causes us to lose trust and lose faith. If we were abused as children, it is important to realize that an adult can seem a lot like God to a small child. They have so much power and control. We may have thought they knew what they were doing. We may have believed that they understood the consequences of their actions. We may have mistaken their power for wisdom. Why do some people prove so unworthy of the power God gave them? We may have believed that our parents were divinely appointed to take care of us. We may have believed that they would look out for our best interests. If our parents were abusive, we may have questioned ourselves instead of them. It is a parents job to provide their children with lots of love and support. To encourage them to learn and grow. God offers many parents the challenge of raising children. Unfortunately, some prove unworthy of the task. If our parents sexually abused us, our childhood was a disaster. Instead of loving us, they molested us. Instead of meeting our needs, they satisfied their own selfish needs at our expense. They used us. To fulfill their need for power. To fulfill their need for unlimited sexual gratification. To fulfill their need to hurt someone with their anger. One of the tasks of parenthood is to protect your children from harm. That means protecting a childs boundaries. It is a parents responsibility to do everything in their power to keep their children safe. To keep them out of harms way so that those children can grow up to be healthy, happy, and strong. We may have tried to defend our parents. We may have wanted to believe they would protect us. We may have wanted to believe they would support us and be there for us when we needed them. Some of us are still in denial about our parents. We still hold onto fantasies about our childhood that were never true. Its okay to believe in good parents. Some parents are capable of sacrificing their own needs to provide for their children. They can be supportive when their children need

help, protect their children to the best of their ability, and treat their children with love and respect. This is the way good parents are supposed to behave. If you were sexually abused by a parent, the loss you feel is real. Your desire for love is normal. You were not defective and you deserved better. But the truth is that the parents you wanted were not the parents you got. How can we grieve this kind of loss? Some of us feel a terrible void inside of us. We were never adequately loved, nurtured, or cherished. The only way to fill a void of this kind is with renewed love. Love for ourselves. Love from God. Love from our puppy dog. Love from our friends. Love from our lover. Love from our children. Love from The Universe. Our parents may have failed us. In fact, it may seem silly to call them parents at all. But it is possible to find surrogate parents who can love and support us, even as adults. Its never too late to find the love and support we deserve.

Personal Journal Entry Entry #1: Anger About Betrayal I hate people for hurting me. How am I supposed to trust them when they can betray me like this? How can I ever heal this pain? How can I ever get over what happened to me? Sometimes I fear that I will be betrayed again. Im afraid I wont see it coming. I wont realize that someone is going to betray me until its too late. No one will ever be completely worthy of my trust. People lie out of fear. They betray out of anger. Cruelty is a sign of weakness, not of strength. I trusted my abusers because I needed their love to survive in this world. When they abused me, I felt torn apart. My pain is very deep because I was so weak, vulnerable, and needy. There can be no love without trust. In order to open our hearts, we must feel safe. Betrayal destroys trust, destroys safety, and destroys love. My own trust issues are held in place by a lot of anger. I felt so angry about being violated. I feel so afraid of being hurt again. In the past, people sabotaged my security, my jobs, my relationships, and my possessions. People have intentionally harmed every area of my life. I cant protect myself. There is no way to avoid the hurtful actions of others. And yet, if I want to be fulfilled, I have to trust. I trusted my abusers because I wanted their love. I trusted them even after I knew they were untrustworthy.

Personal Journal Entry Entry #2: Not Trusting My inner child doesnt trust anyone. He feels so afraid of getting hurt. He shuts down and shuts people out because it makes him feel like hes in control. Hes so angry about having been betrayed. He doesnt ever want to be hurt like that again. He wants to protect himself. Getting hurt means loving someone and feeling betrayed by them. We believed we were safe, but it turns out that we werent. We feel deceived. The betrayals of my childhood shattered my sense of security. I came to believe that safety was an illusion. I could always be hurt, even when I believed I was safe. I decided that I was never truly safe. This is the reason I have struggled so much with issues of control. If I cant control others, how can I trust them? Yet if I cant trust them, how can I ever get the love that I need? Feeling safe means believing that I am protected from harm. But the truth is that I am never protected from harm. This world is not a safe place. My inner child feels violated. I love my inner child, but he is still holding onto beliefs about this world that arent true. I may have deserved to be safe and loved as a child, but people dont always get what they deserve. I cannot assume that I will be safe, secure, or loved in this world any more than I can assume anything else. When I do feel safe, secure, or loved, I should count myself truly blessed. My inner child needs to let go of the past, and let go of what he lost. I need to give him lots of love and support.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #3: Trusting People That Are Untrustworthy When I was a child, I thought that the only way to get the love I needed was to trust my abusers. Yet at the same time, I knew they were dishonest. In the end, I wound up trusting people I knew were untrustworthy. I continued to repeat this pattern later in my adult life. I trusted partners I knew were untrustworthy because I desperately wanted their love and approval. Even when I knew they would betray me. I was so afraid of losing them. Over time, I grew increasingly needy for a love they couldnt provide. I chose partners who were just like my abusers. Partners who were incapable of genuine love and respect. I accepted their abuse because I was so afraid of being abandoned. I was so afraid that the relationship would end. And of course, it always did. At the end of each unhealthy relationship, I would break down emotionally. I would go back to smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. I would isolate myself until I found another unhealthy partner, and the sick charade would begin again. Each of my relationships was a destructive repeat of the one I had left behind. A destructive repeat of my original, broken relationship with my abusers. One of the reasons I kept repeating this pattern was because I believed that I could change my partners. Some part of me thought I could turn the person I was with into the loving person I wanted them to be. Subconsciously, I wanted to reverse the abuse of my past. I wanted to figure out how to make my abusers finally love me in the way I wanted them to. This unrealistic fantasy was poison to my self-esteem. A destructive illusion that kept me chasing after sick, abusive partners. As I child, I was forced to depend on people who abused me. I was forced to seek love from people who were incapable of loving me. I became trapped within a selfdestructive paradox, and there seemed to be no way out. I never wanted to trust people who were untrustworthy. I never wanted to rely on people who would neglect me. I never wanted to seek love from people who were incapable of loving me. But the messages from my childhood all said, It doesnt matter what you want. I wanted to survive. As a child, I was trapped between two conflicting needs and I chose the best of bad options. I chose to trust people who could not be trusted in the hopes that I could somehow earn their love and approval. There were times when I hated myself for this decision. As a child, I had chosen love over self-respect. Sacrificing my self-respect led to the loss of my integrity. I felt so ashamed that I attempted to destroy myself with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, isolation, bad relationships, depression, and sexual addiction. It was so hard to forgive myself for the decisions I was forced to make as a child. But I no longer have to trust people who are untrustworthy. I dont have to rely on people who abuse me. I dont have to seek love from people who are incapable of loving me. I need to forgive myself for the choices I made. I can make new, healthy choices in my adult life today.

Why should I forgive myself? Because I was afraid. Because I thought that if I sacrificed my integrity, it would save my life. And it worked. It was a good choice at the time. Process Questions How was I been betrayed in the past?

How do I feel about having been betrayed?

How did this betrayal affect my ability to trust other people or the world?

How have I expressed my anger about having been betrayed?

What are some healthy ways that I can express my anger? Are there healthy things I can do to protect myself from being betrayed again in the future?

Chapter 23 Trust We can only trust when we feel safe about being vulnerable. -Jason Goodwin Trusting someone means believing they will act in our best interests and tell us the truth. Trust is a difficult issue for survivors of sexual abuse because we experienced the worst kind of betrayal. First we must learn to trust ourselves. We must become men and women of our word. Being trustworthy is a question of integrity. It feels good when we speak the truth. It feels good when we honor our commitments. We can be proud of ourselves and avoid any feelings of shame and guilt. Our honesty can become a powerful source of self-esteem. Even if we dont have much in this world, we can still have our word. We must avoid making promises we cant keep. Its important to be aware of our personal limitations, our problems, and how much we can realistically do for others. Misunderstandings occur when we over-commit, promise more than we can deliver on, or undertake more than we can accomplish. We must treat others in the way we want to be treated. Others will learn over time that we can be trusted, because we do what we say. Trust usually becomes an issue when we are feeling vulnerable. Sometimes we feel vulnerable as children or when were in a relationship. We feel vulnerable when we are dependent on another person for our welfare. In choosing whether or not to trust someone, we need to ask ourselves, What is it that I am trusting them to do? What is it I am trusting them not to do? Trusting someone means depending on that person to act in our best interests. Trustworthy people have our welfare in mind. They want us to be safe, happy, and healthy. We can only trust when we feel safe about being vulnerable. But how can we ever truly know who will be worthy of our trust? Can people produce documents that attest to their honesty? Is there some way we can screen out the untrustworthy people in this world to avoid getting hurt? Everyone wants our trust. Honest people want it because they deserve it. Dishonest people want it so they can manipulate us. How can we tell the difference? The answer is we have to get to know them first. We have to watch them carefully and observe how they treat others. So how long should we observe a potential friend or lover before giving them our trust? A month? Two months? A year? Two years? Everyone is different. How can we be sure? What if theyre just good at concealing their motives? Many of us react to the betrayal of sexual abuse by going to extremes. We trust everyone or we trust no one. We stop seeing people as unique individuals, and start believing that theyre all the same. Those lousy women, theyre all lying, cheating backstabbers! Or, Men are pigs, and the world is their trough!

We see people in black and white. Theyre all good or theyre all bad. We conclude that, I have to trust everyone in order to get my needs met, or I cant trust anyone because theyre all out to get me. We take an unmeasured, irrational approach to the issue. Our beliefs about trust are often a product of our experiences. Is it any wonder that we, as survivors of sexual abuse, are afraid that people will turn out to be untrustworthy? Weve experienced the worst humans are capable of. Weve seen the lies and the hypocrisy. But to give up on finding healthy relationships with people of integrity is another form of self-abuse. We deserve trustworthy people in our lives. We deserve relationships with strong foundations. We deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. If we expect healthy relationships with trustworthy people, we must first learn to be trustworthy ourselves. We need to examine our own actions. Are we true to our word? Do we make promises we cant keep? What is our own record when it comes to this question of trust? Some survivors of sexual abuse strive to find the perfect partner or friend who will be completely trustworthy all of the time. We feel insecure. We dont ever want to be hurt again. We dont ever want to be lied to again. We want relationships that are completely safe. Relationships with people who are completely trustworthy, when in fact, no such person exists. While it may be impossible to find friends or lovers who are completely trustworthy, it is possible to find friends and lovers who are mostly trustworthy. Everyone make mistakes. It is possible to forgive. Its possible to allow for another persons faults and a certain degree of imperfection. So where do we draw the line? I believe that infidelity is unacceptable. Physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse is unacceptable. When people deceive us about the most important things in life, their behavior is unacceptable. Each person must determine where his/her own boundaries lie. Trust is not a black and white issue. It is a shade of gray. As survivors of sexual abuse, we dont want to hear this. We want to feel completely safe, secure, and in control. We want to find that perfect person who will make us feel safe, secure, and in control. But absolute safety and security are not to be found on planet Earth, and the more we accept that fact, the more capable we become of facing lifes challenges. Deciding whether or not we will trust another person is often a struggle between wanting to have our needs met and wanting to feel safe. It is critical that we find a healthy balance between these two competing needs. At one extreme, we err on the side of caution, never taking a risk and never trusting anyone. When we make this mistake, we can end up feeling isolated and alone. We shut down and give in to our fear of betrayal. We give up on our need for love in an effort to feel safe. At the other extreme, we err on the side of risk, trusting people we barely know, falling in love with people we just met, and getting hurt over and over again. We give our trust too quickly. We ignore our safety in an effort to get the love we need. As I look back on my life, I realize that I have swung from one extreme to the other, never finding the middle. I threw myself into relationships too quickly and overcommitted too rapidly. I trusted women within the first few months of a relationship,

only to be rejected and betrayed. Then I would swing in the opposite direction, shut down completely, avoid relationships altogether, and isolate myself because I felt so afraid of taking a risk. Swinging from one extreme to the other becomes a self-destructive cycle. If we avoid relationships because we are afraid of getting hurt, our needs can grow so big over time that we end up abandoning safety and ignoring common sense. We then throw ourselves into intimate relationships with people we barely know. When our latest, illconceived relationship ends, we go back to isolating ourselves because we feel so hurt and depressed. Some of us grow increasingly bitter after each betrayal. See, I got hurt again! No one is worthy of my trust. No one will ever treat me well. Its completely hopeless. Because we have a hard time finding balance with this question of trust, we should probably start with a policy that allows us to take a measured approach. Often it is easier to have a plan. Otherwise, we may find ourselves compromising too much of what we want in our relationships. The following is an example of my personal policy for relationships. I suggest that you develop your own policy if you have a hard time knowing when to trust others. You might use mine as a starting point. Modify whatever you like and keep whatever sounds reasonable to you. The policy we follow should be designed to help us move at a reasonable pace with our relationships. The risks we take in a relationship should always be measured.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Intimate Relationship Policy Phase 1 Months 1-4 1. Do not throw yourself into a relationship: Remain where you are. Remain in your place of residence. Remain in your job. Maintain your usual activities. Remember that dating and the early stages of a relationship are a trial period. Do not allow your life to change in any significant way. 2. Do not over-disclose about yourself: Refrain from telling a partner all the details of your history, especially the very personal parts. Refrain from putting yourself in a vulnerable situation with someone you cannot yet trust. Do not open yourself up too much during this time. 3. Do not over-spend: Never make financial commitments that involve substantial risk during this phase. Examples of risky financial commitments are giving someone a loan, helping someone with their rent, or spending money on relocating to a new area. Your financial commitments should remain at an amount of money you are willing to lose. For myself, this means less than one thousand dollars. 4. Do not over-commit: Do not make promises for the future. Do not make wedding arrangements or long-term plans with someone in this phase. If it is an intimate relationship, you may want to commit to monogamy if you are comfortable doing so this quickly, but only if your partner is willing to make a similar commitment. 5. Understand that you are more likely to overlook someones faults during this time. This is the honeymoon phase. If you realize that you cant trust this person during Phase 1, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, dont let the relationship continue. Phase 2 Months 5-6 1. Begin by disclosing more information about yourself. Wait for their reaction to determine if you can trust them with your disclosures. Talk about the things you want and dont want from a relationship, and see if he/she feels the same way. 2. Have a conversation about where you want the relationship to go. Do you want to continue to be friends with this person? Are you in love? Do you want the relationship to move to the next level? 3. Do not make any major changes to your job or living arrangements. Maintain your usual activities. 4. Do not make any long-term commitments or promises during this time. 5. Try to look realistically at their faults. Can you live with their issues? How much do their faults concern you? Is your partner abusive in any way? Does he/she care about meeting your needs? Is he/she willing to compromise? Is he/she willing to work on his/her personal problems and work to better the relationship? Can your partner see and admit his/her shortcomings? 6. If you have similar goals, if you both want your relationship to move to the next level, if you can live with each others faults, and you are happy with the answers to these questions, you may want to move to Phase 3. If you realize that you cant trust this

person during Phase 2, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, dont let the relationship continue. Phase 3 Months 7-9 1. If you are in an intimate relationship and you are considering a commitment to this person, try living together first if it doesnt violate your religious beliefs. Living together can be very different than dating. Try living together for at least 3 months before proceeding to the next phase. 2. Have a conversation about living together. Is it something you think can work? Are there things you can do to make your life together more comfortable? Is your partner overly controlling about your living arrangements? 3. Do not allow the move to severely disrupt your life. Keep your financial commitments to under a thousand dollars initially. Have an escape route. If you can, maintain your current residence while living with your partner, or make sure that you can move out at a moments notice. Do not move any great distance. Do not change jobs. Do not assume that it will work out. 4. Do not make any long-term commitments or promises during this time. 5. Try to look realistically at whether or not your partner has changed since you moved in with him/her. Has he/she begun to act differently? Has he/she become disrespectful? Do you enjoy living with this person? Are you comfortable, or are you walking on eggshells? In what ways has he/she changed? Does your relationship make you feel better about yourself or worse? 6. If you like your living arrangements and it seems to be working out, consider moving to the next phase. If you realize that you cant trust this person during Phase 3, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, dont let the relationship continue. Phase 4 Months 10-12 1. At this point, it is important to disclose anything else about yourself that may cause problems for the relationship. See if this person can be trusted with the information you want to share with them. 2. If you are considering a long-term commitment, or even marriage, have a discussion about what you want. Talk about the way you believe married people should behave and the way they should treat one another. What does your partner expect from a marriage? Do they want children? Do you have similar spiritual beliefs? 3. Do not make a long-term commitment at this point unless you are comfortable with the answers to these questions. 4. Do not make any major life changes in this phase. 5. If you feel happy about being together, living together, and the way your partner treats you, you may want to move to Phase 5. If you realize that you cant trust this person during Phase 4, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, dont let the relationship continue. Phase 5 Month 13+ 1. At this point, you can make long-term commitments if you decide to and increase your level of risk. If your relationship has reached Phase 5, you have done a good job of finding balance between getting your needs met and ensuring your safety. It is important

to ask your partner if he/she feels that his/her needs are being met in the relationship. If not, are there ways that you can both work to fix the problems? Are you able to show your partner that you love him/her in the way that he/she wants to be loved? (Please refer to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more information.) Both partners must feel that their needs are being met in the relationship to be happy. 2. If you discover later that you cant trust this person, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, dont let the relationship continue. While no plan is perfect, sticking to this plan can help us stay with partners who are trustworthy and avoid partners who are not. We cant control whether a partner will be faithful. We cant predict who will be worthy of our trust. So we need to have a policy for relationships that increases our chances of finding honest partners and friends. Caution is the best defense. A trustworthy partner will not be offended by our caution if we are reasonable about it. In fact, theyll probably respect us more.

Stepping Stones to Health Trust -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I dont trust anyone, or I trust everyone right away. _____ 2. I have been hurt by people in the past. _____ 3. I have a hard time understanding who I should trust and when I should give my trust. _____ 4. I dont know if I should trust anyone, because some people are untrustworthy. _____ 5. I am starting to think that I need to take a balanced approach to this issue of trust. _____ 6. I am coming up with a policy on how quickly I trust people and let them into my life. _____ 7. I approach people with caution and allow them to earn my trust. I only give my trust to people who tell the truth and show me they are trustworthy over time.

Chapter 24 Forgiving Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past. -Mike D. Forgiveness can be thought of as the final step in the healing process. Some of us have attempted to forgive too quickly. I believe that genuine forgiveness only happens after we have processed our feelings and regained our self-esteem. The process we go through on our way to forgiving an abuser lies completely within our own hearts and minds. We cannot wait for the day our abusers will apologize for what they did. We cannot hold out for the day when they will finally love us. People tell survivors to just get over it. They dont understand why we seem to hang onto the past or hold onto our pain. Why we continue to act out addictions or stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes our inability to forgive is an inconvenience to others. Were no fun. Why do we keep bringing it up? Why cant we just forget about it and move on? Most people who were never sexually abused cannot understand how damaging it is, or how difficult it can be to heal. Getting punched by a bully in fifth grade is not the kind of trauma we struggle with until we are forty years old, fifty years old, or for the rest of our lives. Lesser traumas tend to heal more quickly. Some people minimize the harmful and lasting effects of sexual abuse. They talk about what happened as if we had skinned our knee. Because they lack a common frame of reference, they truly cannot comprehend the depth of what we experienced. As survivors of sexual abuse, we feel guilty when we have a hard time forgiving our abusers. We berate ourselves for feeling so angry. We grow impatient with our own healing process. We interrogate ourselves with unfair questions. Why is it so hard for me to get past this? Why am I having such a hard time healing? Is there something wrong with me? Why cant I let go? One way to measure the trauma of sexual abuse is to compare it with other crimes and other survivors. What about robbery? As survivors of sexual abuse, we were definitely robbed. Robbed of our self-respect and self-esteem. Some of us were robbed of our virginity, our safety, and our dignity. We may have been robbed of our innocence or our childhood. Few victims of robbery can say they lost that much. Torture? Some of us endured torture not once or twice, but over years of sexual abuse. We experienced psychological, emotional, physical, and sexual torture. We were deeply traumatized and made to feel incredibly powerless. Murder? Many of us would have preferred death to the abuse we experienced. Some survivors give up hope and commit suicide. Others kill themselves slowly by staying in physically abusive relationships or destroying their bodies with drugs and alcohol. Some survivors continue to place themselves in risky situations by engaging in prostitution or working in the adult entertainment industry. Of course, it is not my intention to discount the trauma experienced by other types of survivors. I simply wish to illustrate that sexual abuse is the most hurtful thing one person can do to another. Yes, we can heal. But this kind of healing takes time.

We do not need to try and forgive before we are ready to. It is not our job to make other people feel better about what happened to us. We need to heal at a pace we are comfortable with. We need to give ourselves credit, not only for surviving the trauma of sexual abuse, but for having the strength to continue to move forward with our lives. Healing the pain of sexual abuse can be a long process. Reaching the point where we can forgive is a tremendous gift. Recurring flashbacks and nightmares about the abuse are not something any of us want to live with for the rest of our lives. When true forgiveness happens, it is to be cherished and celebrated. It means that deep healing has occurred. It means we have begun to transcend something that was terribly painful. We have begun to overcome the past. Until we are ready to forgive, it can be therapeutic to speak words of forgiveness out loud or write them in a journal, even if we dont really believe them yet. Saying the words I forgive you can help us get in touch with all the reasons we cant forgive. Speaking words of forgiveness can help us to process the pain, anger, and resentment that still lies within us. Hanging on to anger and resentment can eventually hurt us more than the abuser. It drains our energy and keeps us focused on events in our past that were very negative. Yes, we need to allow ourselves to feel our feelings. But yes, it does feel better when we can finally let go.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Forgiving Abusers Sometimes I say words of forgiveness out loud because it helps me get in touch with all the reasons I cant forgive. It brings up all the pain and anger still inside of me. I forgive you for your betrayal and your treachery. As cruel as you were, I forgive you anyway. I forgive you for hurting me, and I give your pain back to you. I forgive you for the things you did to hurt me. I forgive the blackness in your heart. I forgive you for the times you couldnt love me, the times when you were cold and unavailable. I forgive you for your abuse and for your rage. For trying to scare me, control me, and use me for your own purposes. I forgive your lack of concern for the way I felt. I forgive your ignorance and your cruelty. I know there is a better person inside of you somewhere, even if you could not show it when you were abusing me. You need to heal your own pain, grief, and fear. I am not responsible for you. I am responsible for me. I let go of what you did to me. I forgive you.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Forgiving Ourselves I have to let go. I need to move forward. I dont want these memories renting space in my head anymore. I want to release my pain and my fear. I want to get past my temptation to sabotage myself and go back to my addictions. I want to transcend my anger and my resentments. What is the solution? Forgiveness. Forgiving my inner child for being afraid. For wanting to survive. For wanting to be loved. For wanting to trust and have someone he could rely on. For wanting to be taken care of. I need to cry and I need to grieve. But most of all, I need to forgive. Forgive myself for everything I did and didnt do. For everything I wanted and didnt want. For all of my love and all of my hate, all of my fear and all of my strength. To forgive every part of me that did what was necessary to survive years of abuse.

Process Questions Who in my life will I eventually need to forgive?

What feelings come up for me when I think of forgiving that person?

What makes it difficult for me to forgive him/her?

What would have to happen for me to forgive him/her?

Think about all of the reasons you resent this person. Then practice saying, I forgive you for (each item) out loud, several times. Repeat this process daily until you begin to believe it. Write down whatever feelings come up for you and the reasons you find it difficult to forgive that person.

How can I process my feelings about this person? (Write him/her a letter I do not send, talk to a counselor or friend about what he/she did, sit with my feelings, cry, do some journaling, etc)

Chapter 25 Values If you dont know where youre going, youll end up somewhere else. -Yogi Bera To discover what we truly value, we need to ask ourselves a few important questions. What is it that I treasure and hold in high esteem? How do I spend my time and my money? If we find that we are placing too much emphasis on the wrong things, it may be time to make a change. What would we like to focus on? Is our behavior consistent with our values? Will our actions bring about our hearts desire? Most of us dont set out to become alcoholics or addicts, because addictive behavior is not consistent with our values. Addictions develop over time. They often grow worse without us even realizing it. Each persons values are slightly different, but most of us have similar beliefs about the difference between right and wrong. When we fail to live by our personal code of conduct, we are not living with integrity. How do we feel when we look honestly at our behaviors, our actions, and the direction of our lives? Does our behavior measure up to our personal standards? When our actions cause serious harm to others or ourselves, we may experience something deeper than guilt. We may believe that our actions are immoral or evil. Often the toughest judge and the harshest critic is the one inside our own heads. Sometimes our morals and values are like a compass, pointing us in the direction of true north. They can tell us which actions and behaviors lead to a better life, positive self-esteem, and greater love for ourselves and others. Other times we judge ourselves unfairly. We become too critical and demanding. If we can never do a good enough job and can never get it right, we will always feel guilty and ashamed. Its important to try to keep this darker side of our values in check so it doesnt take control of our lives. This shame-based part of us grows stronger as we grow weaker. It wants us to hurt. Its important to remember that we dont have to be perfect, but must always work to improve ourselves. We are on a journey from a state of greater ignorance to a state of greater understanding. As we learn and grow, our behaviors change. We learn to recognize our own, unhealthy behavior patterns. Judging ourselves too harshly can mire us in shame and guilt. It blocks the natural flow of life and the normal growth process. We can change. We can heal the abuse of our past. We need not sentence ourselves to a life of misery. Self-condemnation is unhealthy. Perfectionism is unhealthy. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Its okay. Were on the same path. Were all imperfect. Perfectionists are lying to themselves and the world. They labor endlessly in an attempt to measure up to impossible standards, because theyre too afraid to accept the reality of who they are. And who are they, really? Theyre human. Theyre imperfect and insecure, just like the rest of us.

Its important to become more comfortable with our humanity. We need to avoid judging ourselves too harshly. Instead, we can accept where we are and focus our energy on the positive goals wed like to accomplish. Sometimes we have very little control over our circumstances. But success is not a measure of the circumstances we find ourselves in. It is a measure of our attitudes and our actions. We were sexually abused. Those are the circumstances. If we survived this long, we have every right to feel good about ourselves. We have displayed courage, strength, and personal resolve. This is the true measure of our success. Judging ourselves too harshly can become a form of self-abuse. We need to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. If we have unhealthy behavior patterns, we must realize that we can work to change them over time. Addictions are difficult to overcome and deep emotional trauma is slow to heal. Being patient and persistent always pays off, especially with the more difficult challenges in life. The opposite of judging ourselves too harshly is failing to look honestly at our own faults. As humans, there are times when we try to blame our personal shortcomings on others. Sometimes we complain about a partner but fail to see how we attract people who mistreat us. We criticize others for their addictions or selfish behaviors, but fail to see our own. When we remain blind to our personal issues, we fail to develop the motivation necessary to change. Sometimes we have to experience negative consequences before we recognize we have a problem. We cannot stop this world from producing abusers. We cannot change a partner or parent who does not want to change. The problems in our lives that deserve the most attention are the ones inside our own hearts and minds. Certainly we can advocate for greater education to prevent sexual abuse. We can support increased funding for treatment. We can network with other survivors to create support groups that make us feel less isolated and more understood. But our emphasis must always be on healing ourselves. When we work to align our behavior with our values, we develop greater insight into where were at, where we want to go, and what it will take to get there.

Exercise 25-1 Defining Our Values On a blank piece of paper, make a list of the top ten things you value most. Rank them from 1-10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being the least. Then take another piece of paper and divide it into two columns. The first column will be entitled, My current behavior concerning this value. The second column will be called, The kinds of behavior that would support this value. My current behavior concerning this value, includes the amount of money or time that you spend with this person or thing, how often you think about this person or thing, and actions you currently take that support this person or thing. It also includes anything you do that sabotages or hurts this person or thing. When filling out The kinds of behavior that would support this value column, brainstorm anything you could do that would support this person or thing. This might include spending more time or money on this person or thing. It could mean giving this person or thing more of your attention. It might include taking steps to ensure the safety of the person or thing you value. Repeat this exercise for each of the top ten things on your list. When you are finished, try to find any discrepancies between the first and second columns. In what ways do your actions support your values? In what ways do they conflict? What do you need to work on? In which areas are you doing well?

Chapter 26 Self-Care I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others. -Jennifer Louden Good self-care is a critical part of our healing process. Its important that we make every effort to meet our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world. Sometimes we need to make compromises. When we cant meet our needs in exactly the way wed like, we need to do the next best thing. Its not enough to say, I cant afford the hundred-dollar per month membership at the gym of my choice, so I guess I cant exercise and be healthy. There are cheaper alternatives. How much would it cost to buy an exercise bike or a punching bag? Hiking, jogging, or doing pushups and sit-ups on a daily basis is not outside anyones price range. Sometimes we need to meet our needs in simpler, less expensive ways. Low self-esteem can make it hard for us to take good care of ourselves. We may begin to overlook or ignore the most basic aspects of self-care. The first type of need we may overlook is physical. We may stop going to the doctor and getting regular check-ups. We may stop eating healthy food or getting enough sleep. Some of us lose interest in our appearance, get fewer haircuts, and stop exercising. We may turn to alcohol and drugs. Turning to an addiction is the opposite of selfcare. Addictions are destructive to our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. As our addictions get worse, so does our self-esteem. Our bodies become ill. We develop stomach ulcers, heart disease, bronchitis, or lung cancer. Taking care of ourselves physically means working to overcome our addictions. Some of us engage in risky sexual behavior or have unprotected sex. This behavior can become very self-destructive. I know men who argue that wearing a condom kills the enjoyment, but underneath that sentiment is often a part of them that feels self-destructive. A part of them that doesnt care if they catch a sexually transmitted disease or spread it to others. When people engage in risky sexual behavior, they are not taking care of themselves physically. The second type of need we may overlook is emotional. As survivors of sexual abuse, it is incredibly important to process our feelings on a regular basis. I try to spend time working through my sexual abuse issues at least twice a week. When we fail to process our emotions, we can get stuck in resentment, anger, grief, and low self-esteem. Its important to release these toxic feelings on a regular basis by experiencing them and allowing them to pass through us. Sometimes we overlook our need for love, either because we dont love ourselves, or because we have a hard time accepting love from others. If we believe that we do not deserve to be loved, we may begin to isolate ourselves. The reality is that we need healthy relationships to feel more connected. When we have people in our lives who care about us, we feel supported, nurtured, and validated.

Sometimes we break off healthy relationships because we suffer from low selfesteem. We give up on relationships and decide that its easier to just sit in our house, smoke cigarettes, and watch television. While this behavior might make us feel safe, we become increasingly depressed over time. Humans are social animals. We need other people. Another need we may overlook is our need to have fun. When was the last time you engaged in your favorite hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? A major symptom of depression is giving up or decreasing hobbies or recreational activities. When we feel depressed, we stop taking care of ourselves and stop doing the things we enjoy. We begin to lose interest in life. We should always remember to have fun. There are times when we need to kick back and enjoy the moment. My definition of the perfect hobby is something so fun and interesting that I loose track of time. Laughter is another important emotional outlet. Some of us were taught to remain serious in every situation. We may have grown up in families of addiction and abuse where the atmosphere was dark and heavy. We need to give ourselves permission to laugh. Funny movies, books, plays, and television programs can help us clear our minds. Laughter is a great way to relieve stress and tension. When we can laugh at ourselves, it helps us to let go. Sometimes we neglect our mental needs. Most of us want to keep learning. Its important to push ourselves to discover new hobbies, activities, and interests. Taking college classes, joining a discussion group, going to church, watching informative programs, reading good literature, and engaging in creative or artistic pursuits can help keep us interested and engaged in life. Sometimes we need to analyze our thinking. What do we spend most of our time thinking about? Do our thoughts tend to be negative or illogical? Do we tend to exaggerate our problems or fail to appreciate the good things in life? If our negativity is a frequent or long-term pattern, we may need to see a doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression. What about our spiritual needs? Most of us believe in the existence of a higher power in one form or another. Its important for us to nurture our spiritual connection. When we feel angry or depressed about issues of sexual abuse, some of us are tempted to blame God. Where was He/She when we needed Him/Her? Having been sexually abuse makes it hard to trust God, have faith, and believe that everything will work out in the end. Sometimes we stop praying, going to church, or talking to God. We harbor resentments and think that God didnt care. We believe that our abuse was some kind of divine punishment. Sometimes we dont understand what it is that God wants us to learn from the situations in our lives. In my own experiences, I have found it easier to understand why things happened the way they did when I look back on my past. If we believe that God is real, we must work to develop a stronger relationship with Him/Her. We must search for meaning in life, because meaning is what feeds our soul. This is only a partial list of our needs and the ways we can take better care of ourselves. Everyone is different, but the need for self-care is universal. I have included

my own list of self-care activities below, as well as the things I do regularly to decrease my stress. These are only examples and I encourage you to make your own list. Follow up on the things you need to do to take care of yourself. You will feel better. Your selfesteem will improve. This is a necessary part of your healing process.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Creating a Balanced Life Things I have done to meet my needs: 1. Working 2. Getting Regular Dental And Health Care 3. Cleaning The House And Car 4. Getting Regular Haircuts 5. Getting Regular Massages 6. Playing With The Dog 7. Playing Piano 8. Calling Friends And Going Out 9. Going To Martial Arts Class 10. Going Hiking/Cycling 11. Engaging In Sports 12. Going To Church 13. Traveling 14. Volunteering 15. Furthering My Education 16. Deep Relaxation By Candle-Light 17. Dating 18. Dancing 19. Doing The Emotional Work In This Book 20. Acupuncture 21. Playing Computer Games 22. Watching Movies 23. Taking A Hot Tub/Bath 24. Getting Organized 25. Reading

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Reducing Stress Actions that reduce my stress: 1. Having A Routine 2. Working 3. Abstaining From Caffeine, Nicotine, And Alcohol 4. Watching Or Listening To Comedy 5. Taking A Hot Tub/Bath/Shower 6. Getting A Massage 7. Acupuncture 8. Praying 9. Deep Relaxation by Candlelight 10. Listening to Soft Music 11. Playing Piano 12. Exercise/Running/Kick-Boxing 13. Cleaning The House And Car 14. Getting A Haircut 15. Cutting Fingernails/Putting Lotion On My Hands And Feet 16. Playing Computer Games 17. Playing With The Dog 18. Going Out To Eat 19. Having Healthy Sex 20. Writing About The Stress In My Life 21. Talking About Stress With Family/Friends 22. Doing The Emotional Work In This Book 23. Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Stepping Stones to Health Self-Care -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I do not take care of myself and I dont care. _____ 2. I have noticed that I feel bad when I dont take care of myself. _____ 3. I am tired of feeling bad about myself. _____ 4. I did something to take care of myself and it made me feel better. _____ 5. I am starting to enjoy looking good and feeling good. _____ 6. I am learning that I need to meet my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. _____ 7. I regularly take good care of myself, because I like how it makes me feel.

Chapter 27 Unhealthy Relationships Lets face itmost relationships you have in life dont work out. -Alex Bennett Unhealthy relationships are those that fail to meet our needs for love and respect. Many of us developed unhealthy patterns when we were sexually abused. We may repeat these same patterns later in our adult lives. When we examine the facts, we find that the divorce rate in our country has risen to well over fifty percent. What does this mean? Are our relationships getting worse, or have we become less tolerant of the problems we experience? Do we expect too much? I have found no evidence to suggest that the average relationship has gotten better or worse over time. There has always been domestic violence. There has always been adultery. People have always experienced problems in their relationships. What seems to have changed is the way we handle those problems. In the past, men and women were expected to simply endure their partners negative behaviors. They were expected to keep quiet about the problems they were having. America is a grand experiment. With the advent of equal rights, womens liberation, advances in the fields of therapy and counseling, shelter and protection for abused women and children, and the proliferation of no-fault divorce, our standards and expectations for relationships have risen. People expect to be treated with dignity and respect. We look for specific characteristics in a partner like compatibility, mutual interests, religious orientation, sexual attraction, and a stable financial situation. The list of characteristics people are shopping for has become unrealistic. Gone are the days when finding a partner was simple. In a sense, we have become incredibly spoiled. Our relationships have progressed from arranged marriages, where a bride and groom were given no choice about whom to marry, to todays unrestrained freedom of choice. Most of us want the fairy tale romance we read about in pulp fiction novels. We want relationships that will make us feel better, never cause stress in our lives, and perfectly meet all of our needs. We are living on planet Earth. Even healthy couples have disagreements and struggle from time to time. Is it fair to hold our partner to standards so high that we ourselves could never measure up to them? I believe the level of commitment people are willing to make to relationships today is the lowest it has ever been. People are divorcing for increasingly trivial reasons. There is little cultural pressure to stay in a relationship and work through the problems. In my view, there are too many of us who lack motivation to change our behavior. We are encouraged to indulge our fantasies and our dreams. Why take responsibility for our personal defects of character if we dont have to? Its easier to pay for a no-fault divorce. Of course, some of the trends emerging from this movement have been tremendously positive. In the past, when people were being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused, they had no legitimate means of escape. People had no way to remove themselves from an abusive relationship. Many men and women stayed in relationships

that were damaging to their self-esteem. They accepted disrespect, cruelty, or even abuse from their partners. Where is the balance? As a society, we have obviously not found it. There have always been people who abused others and were unable to compromise. There have always been people who could not allow for any imperfections in their partner. People of this type are incapable of developing healthy relationships, because insisting on perfection from another human being is cruel and unrealistic. We need to take things slowly before committing to a relationship and giving someone our trust. As survivors of sexual abuse, what kinds of people are we attracted to? Abusers or other survivors of abuse? If we find ourselves attracted to unhealthy partners, than we are as much to blame as they are. The five characteristics of a good relationship are respect, trust, communication, boundaries, and support. In Chapter 28, I describe issues of respect in greater detail. But unhealthy partners also have problems with trust. They fail to trust others or become overly controlling or jealous. They often lie or misrepresent the truth. Life with a dishonest partner becomes a game of catch me if you can. Some unhealthy partners have difficulty with communication. They fail to communicate the things they want or need from a relationship. They use accusatory or vague statements like, Youre always messing things up. Healthy communication involves I statements that are specific. An example of an I statement might be, I dont feel respected when you show up 30 minutes late for dinner. Another characteristic of an unhealthy partner is that they fail to respect our boundaries. They continue to act in ways we feel uncomfortable with, like flirting with the opposite sex or failing to live up to their commitments. Sometimes they have difficulty setting healthy boundaries with others. Finally, unhealthy partners are unsupportive. They abuse or criticize us when we feel down instead of building us up or helping us to face the challenges of life. An unsupportive partner may fail to provide encouragement, money, love, commitment, intimacy, or time to a relationship. Abusive relationships can be a disaster, and each new abusive relationship will be just as painful as the last. When children or financial commitments are involved, abusive relationships can cause a great deal of suffering for everyone involved. Whether we realize it or not, we are often attracted to people who struggle with the same issues we do. Every woman I ever dated was a survivor of sexual abuse. How could I have known that before I started dating them? I dont seem to remember asking, Excuse me, but are you a survivor of sexual abuse? I only date women who have the same issues I do. No, I was never consciously aware of this pattern. Yet in every relationship, I eventually discovered that the person I was with had been sexually abused. Now I finally understand how this happened. Why I kept repeating the same, sick relationships. It was because I never fully resolved my sexual abuse issues. This pattern was not an accident. We are attracted to certain characteristics in another person. I believe that we can sense these characteristics on a subconscious level.

Why do we feel attracted to abusers? It is because our mind is constantly trying to resolve whatever issues we still struggle with. It is attracted to unfinished business. If we have unresolved issues around sexual abuse, we may find ourselves attracted to abusers or other survivors of abuse. Sometimes we end up moving from one unhealthy relationship to the next. Is this our fault? Is it something we can control, or are there just too many screwed-up people in this world? What will happen if we get into a relationship with an abuser or another survivor of abuse? Most of us have experienced a string of failed relationships. Its as if we are doomed to repeating the same mistake over and over again until we have learned the lesson. The way to reverse this pattern is two-fold. First, we need to become more cautious about our choice of partners. We need to allow more time to pass before we commit to a relationship. We need to be willing to ask for other peoples opinions about our partner if we suspect that we are not seeing them clearly. And second, we need to heal our sexual abuse issues. As we become healthier ourselves, we will attract healthier partners. We need to be realistic. There are things about every partner that will irritate us. Our goal is to find partners who are willing to work on their issues. Partners who will not abandon hope at the first sign of trouble. We are more likely to find partners with integrity when we give the courtship process more time. When we are ready to commit to a relationship, we need to ask ourselves, Can I live with his/her quirks? Can I accept this person as he/she is right now? A partner may have great potential, but you cant marry potential. You can only marry another human being. Most of us dont change that much or that quickly. Some of us try to turn our partners into a project, which is both disrespectful and unrealistic. If there are things about our partner that we simply cant live with, we need to resolve those issues before committing to a relationship. By working on ourselves and becoming more cautious about the partners we choose, we start to move in the right direction. We cannot control whether we will ever find our soul-mate. That is not for us to know. But as we work to heal ourselves, all of our relationships will become more loving.

Exercise 27-1 Relationship Errors -Try to identify which relationship errors you have made in the past, and how you can correct those mistakes in the future. 1. Unrealistic Expectations Wanting a partner to be perfect often comes from feeling vulnerable or needy ourselves. Instead of meeting our own needs and working to improve our self-esteem, we want prince or princess charming to sweep us off our feet. Getting into a relationship is not a solution for our personal issues. 2. Fixing Loneliness The best way to address feelings of loneliness is to learn to love ourselves. Some of us feel lonely because we cant enjoy our own company. On the other hand, if we tend to isolate or spend too much time alone, we may need to reach out and take a risk. We may need to go out with a group of friends or start dating again. We may need to get a pet. We meet new people when we get involved in hobbies and recreational activities or go to church. 3. Fear Of Abandonment If we find ourselves clinging to a partner or wanting them to be there for us all the time, it is because we are afraid of abandonment. This is an inner child issue. Our inner child may have felt abandoned in the past, and may still be afraid. We need to work with our inner child to help him/her feel safe and secure without always depending on a partner. 4. Not Deserving Love When we believe that we dont deserve to be loved, we often choose partners who are incapable of giving us the love we need. We must come to the realization that we are worthy. We must be willing to leave partners who cannot give us the love we deserve. 5. Losing Faith After a string of failed relationships, we may start to believe that we are cursed. We may decide that we should settle for less. Lowering our standards is not the solution. We need to continue striving for healthy and fulfilling relationships. 6. Blaming The Other Person Most of us have a hard time examining our own faults when a relationship ends. We blame our partner for everything that went wrong. Sometimes we have difficulty taking an honest look at the way our behavior contributed to the break-up. Were we dishonest in some way? Were we unwilling to work on our own problems or issues? Did we feel like we always had to be right? Were we incapable of compromise? What patterns do we keep repeating in our relationships? What is the reason we were attracted to our ex-husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend in the first place?

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Attracting Survivors of Abuse I just realized that I still have problems with relationships. I am still attracted to survivors of sexual abuse. I havent finished healing my own issues, so how can I expect to attract a partner that would be good for me? The answer is, I cant! I have to heal myself before I can attract and be attracted to partners who would be good for me. Right now, I am still attracted to partners with a lot of issues.

Entry #2: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Personal Journal Entries Relationship Affirmations I forgive myself for having issues in relationships. I ask God to help me heal these issues. I give love freely in all of my relationships. I love myself freely when Im in a relationship. I deserve good relationships. I am ready to work through my issues. People love me just the way I am. I am ready to build a healthy relationship.

Entry #3: 1. 2. 3. 4. 6. 7. manner. 8. 9.

What I Want In a Relationship We are trustworthy. We are supportive of each other. We have a spiritual connection. We are intelligent. We are idealistic and want the best for everyone. We have big hearts and show our love for one another by behaving in a loving We are willing to work through our issues and stay together. Our relationship is meant to be.

Chapter 28 Respect in Relationships To respect others is always an option, to disrespect is always a mistake. -Jason Goodwin Respect happens in relationships when we honor one another, respect each others boundaries, and treat each other in the way we want to be treated. Respect is an essential component of a good relationship. To respect others is always an option, to disrespect is always a mistake. The most obvious measure of a persons moral development is their actions. How do people behave when they are experiencing hard times, feeling powerless, or difficult things are happening in their lives? A less morally developed person disrespects others regardless of the way they are treated in return. Our perpetrators fall into this category. They abused us. We may have begged them to stop. We may have tried to please them sexually or comply with their wishes, hoping they would leave us alone or stop hurting us. Someone at a moderate level of moral development respects others only when they receive it in return. This is the kind of mutual, two-way respect most of us expect from our relationships. People at the highest level of moral development respect others, even when they do not receive it in return. Great figures in history who exhibited exceptional character include Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr. Its important to recognize that these men were not afraid of confrontation. Gandhi organized peaceful protests that resulted in the end of British rule in India. Martin Luther King organized peace marches that put pressure on congress to sign the Civil Rights Act. This landmark piece of legislation helped move our country in the direction of ending racial discrimination. Jesus defied the rulers of his day and questioned the morality of the Pharisees. People of exceptional character often inspire us to greater heights. The three levels of moral development correspond with three different types of relationships. The first is a broken relationship. These relationships are characterized by mutual disrespect. In a broken relationship, both partners criticize and abuse oneanother. Broken relationships often end in divorce, prolonged legal battles, or even violence. The second is a one-sided relationship. In one-sided relationships, one partner offers respect, encouragement, and support to the other, but receives only criticism and abuse in return. People will only stay in a one-sided relationship for as long as they are willing to tolerate their partners cruelty. The third is a balanced relationship. Balanced relationships tend to last, because they are built on a solid foundation of mutual respect. Less morally developed people often fail to love others in a genuine way. The only time they give respect is when they want something. Their public life as a pastor, lawyer, doctor, or politician is the show they put on to gain public approval. But behind closed doors, they may be very angry or abusive.

Less morally developed people may pretend to be the kind of person you want them to be. One of my clients told me, The first six months of a relationship is all an act. You dont usually find out who someone is until after that. Less morally developed people put on an act for personal gain. In contrast, a person who loves others genuinely wants to give of themselves. They aim to improve the health, happiness, and welfare of another human being. There are ways to determine whether a partners love is genuine. Do they continue to love others freely, even when they have nothing to gain? Do they become increasingly disrespectful over time? Do they often behave selfishly or criticize others? Its important to be cautious about how quickly we give our trust in a relationship. We need to move slowly and carefully. We need to really watch people and get to know them first before jumping into a potentially dangerous situation with an acquaintance, friend, or lover. When we find partners who continue to love freely, even when they have nothing to gain, we have probably found someone we can trust. Respectful people are capable of compromise. They dont always have to get their way. Someone who desperately holds on to what he/she wants will eventually have to lie, cheat, or steal to get it. Healthy relationships are not about winning. Winning or losing is only important when we are playing games, and relationships are not a game. They are about growing together and supporting one another through the good times and the bad. The truth is that we cant always get what we want. Sometimes we have to delay or even sacrifice things we want in favor of mutual goals. How can we identify people who have difficulty letting go? One sign is frequent arguing. If someone has to be right all the time, or they are willing to treat others in a cruel or demeaning way, they probably have a hard time letting go. Do they obsess about the way the house is kept? Do they pick at you about your mannerisms or characteristics? Do they frequently try to control or manipulate you? Do they often get jealous or hostile? Do they try to keep you away from healthy family and friends? Controlling partners can become dangerous. They need to have things their way and may be unwilling to respect our choices. They will manipulate us, criticize us, or abuse us when we disagree with them. Sometimes controllers can learn how to let go. They may come to realize when they are being too controlling and decide to share power equally in their relationships. Others are so obsessed, so manipulative, and so blind to what they are doing that they will never stop trying to control everyone and everything around them. We need to remember that it is not within our power to change someone else. Abusive people criticize us or treat us poorly in an attempt to break down our self-esteem. One way to evaluate our relationships is to ask, Do I usually feel better or worse about myself after spending time with him/her? The answer to this question may help us determine whether our partner is usually supportive or usually abusive. Abusive people say or imply that were not good enough. Given enough time, they discover our weaknesses and learn how to attack us in the ways that hurt the most. Eventually, we begin to agree with their criticism. We start to believe that we must be terrible, awful, worthless people.

Its impossible to maintain our self-esteem when we are constantly under attack. Were only human. Well never be perfect. None of us can stand up to a barrage of criticism about all of our faults and weaknesses. Its important to learn the difference between constructive and abusive criticism. The difference generally lies with a persons intentions. We need to ask ourselves, Are they trying to help me grow as a person, or are they just trying to cut me down? We should always accept constructive criticism, and always reject the abusive kind. Another way to recognize abusive criticism is if its very frequent. If you get hit with a barrage of criticism on a daily basis, theres a good chance that your partners criticism is designed to abuse you. When criticism is directed at characteristics of your body, mind, or personality that you cannot change, it is always abuse. During wartime, a soldier tries to discover and exploit his enemys weaknesses. In this way, abusive relationships are like a war. Abusers try to attack and exploit our vulnerabilities so they can break us down and control us. Dont believe you can win this war. Eventually, the only ones left on a battlefield are the dead and the injured. In the past, I stayed in abusive relationships because I believed that my partners would change. For some reason, I kept making excuses for them. I no longer accept abuse and I will never stay in an abusive relationship again. Abuse and disrespect are not an accident. They are intentional. When we have tried to stand up to a partner who abuses or disrespects us and they refuse to change, we need to end it. Our self-respect is too important. Sometimes others fail to respect us until we learn to respect ourselves. There are times when we need to remove ourselves from an unhealthy work environment. We may need to cut off contact with an abusive family member or friend. Ultimately, we have no control over the way others choose to act. We can only stand our ground and enforce our boundaries. Some of us are more likely to tolerate abuse or disrespect when we feel afraid of losing love, money, security, or stability. But how valuable are those things when we have to pay for them with our self-respect? Some partners can never learn to be supportive. They will continue to criticize us, distance themselves, be unreliable, or maintain multiple affections. A partner who engages in unrelenting criticism is clearly unsupportive. Instead of building us up or making us feel better about ourselves, they try to break us down in an attempt to manipulate or control us. People who distance themselves often decrease the amount of time they spend with us or fail to return phone calls. They say things like, I just need some space. Partners like this often have issues with commitment. They may be incapable of giving us the love and support we need. Supportive partners want to be close to us. Though it is healthy for each partner to maintain his/her own interests and activities, intimacy is an important part of a strong relationship. People who fail to follow through on their commitments are unsupportive. These people have a hard time taking responsibility. Its difficult to trust them, because you never know what theyre going to do. They lack consistency with the way they act and the way they feel.

Finally, a person who maintains multiple affections is afraid of commitment. Being put on a waiting list of potential suitors often feels demeaning and degrading. Competing for a partners affections is not the kind of game most of us are willing to play. In summary, what are the characteristics of a respectful partner? They genuinely care about others, even when they have nothing to gain. They are able to let go and consider other peoples needs. They help to bolster our self-esteem. They are willing to compromise and learn. They genuinely care about our welfare, and are willing to change their negative behaviors. We must also be willing to change any behaviors that are hurtful or disrespectful to them. The best way to attract healthy partners is to become the person we want to meet. When we have personal flaws that make it hard for us to be faithful, honest, or respectful in our relationships, we need to work on ourselves. As our behavior improves, we begin to demand better from others.

Chapter 29 Healthy Relationships Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. -Louise Beal We need to strive to create good relationships. Healthy relationships build us up, support us when were feeling down, and improve the quality of our lives. Unhealthy relationships are a drain on our self-esteem, our finances, and can end up making our lives worse than if we had simply remained alone. Unfortunately, there are more unhealthy relationships in this world than healthy ones. More people get divorced than stay together. More families argue and disrespect one another than get along. More bosses are selfish and unsupportive than helpful and generous. Its important to try and surround ourselves with healthy people. Sometimes we dont have good relationships with members of our immediate family, so we need to find healthy relationships with pastors or teachers. We need to find friends we can trust. No relationship is perfect, but some marriages are stronger than others. Some friends are very trustworthy. When we find most of what we are looking for in a relationship, we should consider ourselves truly blessed. People who are willing to work on themselves and change their negative behaviors can often make their relationships work. Some people are willing to examine their actions, recognize their mistakes, and work to fix the problems. If we are unwilling to look realistically at our own faults and do the work necessary to improve our behavior, our relationships can quickly become one-sided. It is not enough to admit that we have a problem. We have to be willing to make a change. We have to be willing to learn and grow. People with the willingness to change may be rare, but they do exist. Have you ever known someone who truly supported and respected others? Someone who was open to constructive criticism and willing to work on him/herself? Someone you really liked and admired? Can we measure up to these standards ourselves? Are we respectful, trustworthy, loving, and supportive? If not, how can we work to overcome our shortcomings? What can we do to cultivate these positive traits within ourselves? Can we set healthy boundaries with our own behavior? Can we set healthy boundaries on the behavior of others? Can we love others, even when we have nothing to gain? Can we support others, even when it involves personal sacrifice? Can we become men and women of integrity? Are we engaged in addictions or behaviors that make us feel guilty or ashamed? Do we lie, cheat, or steal to get what we want? Are we truthful about our feelings, or do we keep secrets? When we truly care about others and work to meet their needs, we win friends, companions, and partners. Love increases love, and one act of kindness leads to another. Even if we havent had healthy relationships in the past, that doesnt mean we cant cultivate them in our lives today. We are not cursed. We do not have to choose partners who disrespect us. We do not have to stay in relationships with people who abuse us.

Working to create good relationships in our lives is a critical part of our healing process. Many of us were raised by parents or family members who mistreated us or abused us. Without proper role models, we may have never learned the value of respect, trust, communication, boundaries, and support. How To Win Friends And Influence People, an excellent book by Dale Carnegie, describes how taking a genuine interest in others often results in them taking a genuine interest in us. When we show others that we care for them, they are more likely to care for us in return. Try the suggestions in this chapter. Try thinking of other peoples needs more often. Try to become less selfish. Try to develop integrity, and act in ways you will not later regret. When we are motivated by love, we feel better about ourselves. We begin to overcome the self-abuse of our past, and stop accepting abuse from others. There is a better way to live and to love. To attract healthy partners, we must become the person we want to meet. As we work to create better relationships with ourselves, we develop the tools we need to create lasting, healthy relationships with others.

Stepping Stones to Health Good Relationships -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I am unhappy with a relationship that is verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive, but I am too afraid to end it. _____ 2. I am unhappy with a verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship and I have approached my partner about going to therapy or couples counseling to talk about our problems. _____ 3. I have approached a verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive partner about doing therapy or marital counseling but he or she is unwilling to work on themselves or to change. _____ 4. I have decided that I need to get out of this verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship, but I dont know what to do and Im afraid for myself and my children. _____ 5. I have contacted a womens/mens shelter or a supportive family member so I will have a place to stay, and I am willing to involve the police if necessary to break off this abusive relationship. _____ 6. I have broken off a verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship and I feel very hurt. _____ 7. I am angry and cynical about relationships because of what happened to me. _____ 8. I am working to heal myself because I know I cant have good relationships until I become healthy. _____ 9. I am working to understand my own issues in relationships, and trying to change my patterns and behaviors. _____ 10. I have spent some time working on myself and have become interested in dating again. _____ 11. I have learned from the mistakes I made in the past, and have decided to approach relationships cautiously. _____ 12. I take my time getting to know people, and am careful about giving them my trust (I give it at least a year before making any major commitments). _____ 13. I promptly break off any relationship that become verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive. _____ 14. I am currently seeking or have found a relationship that is supportive instead of abusive.

Chapter 30 Staying Healthy Empowerment does not mean gaining power or control over this world. It means gaining power and control over our own decisions. -Jason Goodwin Overcoming the effects of sexual abuse may be the most difficult challenge of our lives. Sexual abuse forces us to answer questions like, Am I a bad person? Can I be brainwashed into believing I am a bad person? Can I be manipulated into abusing others? Can I be manipulated into abusing myself? The way we answer these fundamental questions determines whether we prolong the cycle of abuse or end it. Whether we get stuck in our pain or choose to heal it. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, or take back our power, our choices, and our lives. Empowerment does not mean gaining power or control over this world. It means gaining power and control over our own decisions. Deciding for ourselves how we want to be treated. Deciding for ourselves how we will treat others. Deciding for ourselves who we are, what we deserve, and what we will create with our lives.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #1: Helping Ourselves When We Are Hurting I recently broke off an abusive relationship for the first time in my life. She was so good to me at first. I trusted her. But there was too much I didnt know. I moved in with her too quickly. Within a month of living together, she became verbally abusive. She would yell and scream at me in an effort to make me feel bad about myself. She blamed me for the problems we were having and was completely unwilling to look at her own issues. Her abuse was my final test. I had moved all the way to Canada to be with her. I knew that if I ended the relationship, I would have no money, no job, and no place to live. I would lose everything I owned. I had spent $10,000 moving to Canada and had gone an additional $10,000 in debt. I knew that if I broke off the relationship, my life would be completely shattered. Should I get out of this abusive relationship? I asked myself. Even if it means losing everything? My answer, for the first time in my life, was a resounding Yes. I had to leave, no matter the cost. It is truly a blessing when we can finally see the fork in the road. When we finally see the difference between following that old, familiar path and embarking on a new, more rewarding journey.

Personal Journal Entries Entry #2: Getting What You Work For About two and a half months ago I announced to my parents, Ive done it! Ive finally worked through my sexual abuse issues! They said they were very happy for me. After years of struggle, I felt that I had finally achieved success. The next day, my father told me that the receptionist at his dentists office noticed me the last time I came in for a cleaning. She had written her phone number on the back of her business card. I called her the following day and we went out on a date. To my surprise, we were extremely compatible. Since that time, I have been truly blessed to know her. She is a loving, wonderful, and very supportive person. I realize now that the time of our meeting was not a coincidence. We attend church services together and I believe that I have finally found my best friend and soul-mate. I have worked so hard to heal the sexual abuse of my past. Perhaps God has given me my reward.

Stepping Stones to Health Staying Healthy -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take. _____ 1. I am working to overcome my chemical and behavioral addictions. _____ 2. I allow myself to experience my emotions instead of repressing them. _____ 3. I avoid self-sabotage. _____ 4. I am processing feelings of shame, guilt, and depression. _____ 5. I am working to heal my inner child. _____ 6. I try to let go of the things I cannot control. _____ 7. I am resolving issues of betrayal, violation, and trust. _____ 8. I am acting in harmony with my values. _____ 9. I am taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. _____ 10. I am cultivating the healthy relationships in my life. _____ 11. I am committed to healing.

Afterwards Dear Reader: I hope and pray that this book has helped you, and will continue to help you, with your healing process. God bless you on your journey. Sincerely, Jason Goodwin M.Ed. (Please direct questions and comments to: jargoodwin@juno.com.)