June 2, 2013

Thats What Ygritte Said

Weekly Game of Thrones Musings by Sam Ryu

Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? Twitter has a limit of 140 characters. (A joke I heard while fiending for the show during its week off.) Welcome back, Throners! Were now in the part of the season where the shit hits the fan. Heads will roll. Entire fleets will be consumed by wildfire. Kingdoms will crumble. And Ygritte will joke about the ridiculousness of it all. Barring a too-clever-for-its-own-good double reverse fakeout, Episode 9 will have the similarly world-altering events as previous ninth episodes. But Im getting ahead of myself (can you blame me though?). This is the newsletter for Episode 8, so thats what well talk about. Season 3, Episode 8 Second Sons Being second is never good enough in the Seven Kingdoms. Cersei told Ned Stark that when you play the game of thrones, you win or you diethere is no middle ground. (Season 1, Episode 7) We meet the actual Second Sonsa group of sellswords (led by a tongue-slithering pig who dies before we even learn his name) made up of mostly second, third, and fourth sons who have no claims to their fathers title for not being born first. But this episode was really about the other second sons. Stannis (second to Robert Baratheon) still wrestles with fully hitching his claim to the throne on the Lord of Lights wagon. The Hound (second to the Mountain) tries to convince Arya that she could be in a lot worse company, especially his older brother who nearly killed someone for snoring (also the same brute who beheaded his horse for losing the jousting tournament). And the second son of all second sons, Tyrion (second to Jaime Lannister), who constantly struggles to prove his worth to his dad and to the kingdom he helped save. Not to mention other second sons: Gendry, Jon Snow, and Theon. In a less-sprawling-than-usual episode, were introduced to the Hound and Arya pairing (which could potentially be the best unassuming pairing since Brienne and Jaime), surfer dude Daario Naharis (who shows his love for Daenerys by giving her two heads), the first of four royal weddings (the others: Cersei/Loras, Joffrey/Margaery, Edmure/Frey Girl), penisleeches, and Alfred Hitchcock guest directing a sequel to The Birds (starring Fat Sam Tarly).

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Not to get all Westerosi Sartorialist up in here, but how freaking great does Daenerys look in that earthtone garb? It definitely rivals her Qarth dress, her blue power suit, and her birthday suit for Best Daenerys Outfit. On a slightly more serious note, why does Daenerys even need an army? Shes been winning with her brain and words alone (okay, her beauty helps too). She is steamrolling her way to the Iron Throne. Fun Trivia: Daeneryss new love interest (poor Ser Jorah), Daario Naharis, is described in the books as having long blue-dyed hair, a three-pronged beard of the same color, and a golden mustache. I can see why they decided against that look, but it wouldve been pretty sweet. While Margaery tries to become BFFs (or sisters) with the Queen Regent, Cersei is having none of it. She reminds Margaery that the Tyrells are the second wealthiest house in Westeros and the previous house in that position, House Reyne, rose against the Lannisters and were massacred. While this is equal parts warning and threat, Cersei seems to be showing her hand a little too much. Does she just not give a damn about playing the game anymore? Or did she forget how dangerously clever the Tyrells actually are? One thing is clear though: the Lannisters completely outmaneuvered the Tyrells in securing Highgarden and Sansa Key-to-the-North Stark. House Lannister 1 - House Tyrell 0. Back to the first royal wedding. Oh, Tyrion. Master of turning lemons into lemonade flavored wine. As if marrying a 14 year-old wasnt bad enough, he has to marry the freaking tallest one. He continues to remind us that for all his vices (being a lecherous drunk, among other things), he is still one of the most decent characters and definitely one most capable of empathy. Ding ding ding! Dragonglass (discussed here) is a White Walker killer. And (because this show isnt confusing enough already) yes, there is a difference between White Walkers (ice zombies, killable by dragonglass) and wights (humans turned into zombies by White Walkers, killable by fire). The last wight we saw attacked Lord Commander Mormont at Castle Black before Jon Snow saved him. (Season 1, Episode 8) Note of Warning: Everything on the next page is pure speculation on my part. I have not read any of the books and have no solid idea whats going to happen next. However, I have pretty good supporting evidence for where this is all going and therefore dont want to spoil anything on the off chance that I am right about any of these theories. Proceed at your own risk.

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Many of you have been asking about my own conspiracy theories and predictions about what will happen in the next episodes. While predicting this show is a crapshoot at best, I thought itd be fun to go out on a limb and throw out my best guesses for the next two episodes. (In two weeks, we can all laugh at how incredibly wrong I was.) Here we go. Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, and Joffrey Baratheon will diein that order.* There was something eerie about the way Stannis threw Melisandres penis-leeches (fresh with Gendrys royal blood) into the fire, while condemning them as usurpers. The Targaryens called Robert Baratheon the Usurper during his rebellion again the Mad King (Aerys Targaryen) and he later died. I know that sounds like pretty weak evidence, but keep following along. It gets better. *Im not so sure all three will die in the next couple episodes (Balon has been absent from Season 3 so it wouldnt make too much sense, and there have been no signs of Joffrey dying so that would be a bit out of nowhere), but definitely one of them will dietwo at most. The Lord of Light has never let us down. Melisandre created the demon smoke baby assassin to kill Stanniss chief rival (his brother Renly), and we have also seen the Red God revive Beric Dondarrion after being killed. But the most damning evidence: As much crap as I gave Lady Catelyn for being a bad mother in Thats What Ygritte Saids Mothers Day 2013 edition (here), she has never been wrong. She told Bran to stop climbing high wallshe didnt listen and ended up a cripple. She told Ned to not go to Kings Landinghe lost his head. She told Renly and Stannis to stop fighting and join forces against the LannistersRenly was murdered and Stannis lost the Battle of Blackwater (his best shot at taking the throne). She told Robb to not send Theon to Pyke (the Greyjoy capital in the Iron Islands)Robb lost his brothers, Winterfell burned to the ground, Theon got captured and is still being tortured. Most recently, Catelyn warned Robb to not test Walder Freys patience. If she is right about this and the pattern continues, Robb will pay. On a related note, I dont think Arya will ever get to her family on time. She will probably stick with the Hound or go off to Braavos on her own to train with Jaqen Hghar to become a faceless assassin (discussed second half of page 2). AND MAYBE EVEN RUN INTO DAENERYS AND JOIN HER. (Okay thats taking a bit farbut if Arya goes to Braavos, they both will be in Essos so its not too much of a stretch.) As mentioned above, things have been going too well for Daenerys. If anything, weve learned to be weary when we get too content with a character (Neds head, Jaimes hand). Not saying shes going to die, but Daenerys will come across a major road block that delays her conquest to Westeros.
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