You Belong To Me

BY: Zorya E-MAIL: kuan_yin@hotmail.com DISCLAIMER: Joss, WB, Mutant Enemy....you know the drill. Also in the running are Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" and a quote by W.H. Auden. CATEGORY: B/A RATING: NC-17 (towards the end, as most of mine are) DISTRIBUTION: If it's something you want, just ask. SPOILERS: A few Season 4 Spoilers, but how I manipulate them is my own twisted business *g* SUMMARY: Buffy finds out that the curse on Angel's soul is nonexistent and it's up to her to break the news to him. But to do so she has to find the strength within herself to come to grips with the fact that love isn't always predictable. COMMENTS: I'm so fed up with all this "Buffy sleeps with Parker" and "'She *was* my first love...it *was* real'" and Kate and Riley and...just...Blasphemy shit. It's just.... Grrrr....Arggg FEEDBACK: Please, I crave it, I need it, I get a happy just thinking of it.

"You don't know what you're asking me to do," she said helplessly. But she didn't have the strength to fight anymore. She didn't have the will. "I know exactly what I'm telling you to do, Buffy," Willow said with no small amount of exasperation. "You know you're the only one who can do this." "But. But. Giles!" Buffy said triumphantly. Willow sighed. "Sabbatical." "What?!" Buffy cried. "Watcher's can take sabbaticals? I thought there was some rule about a Slayer being left alone? Oh, oh! That's right! Faith?" "In Africa." "Well who the hell is guarding the Hellmouth?" Buffy cried. "Actually, Xander and Oz and Amy and I have been - " "Amy!" "She's at a conference until next Saturday."

"Oz." "Not that I'm complaining -- well, yes I am. He absolutely refuses to leave my side." Buffy heard the love and smug satisfaction in Willow's voice and knew she wasn't really complaining. In fact, she could almost see Willow's grin as she spoke the words, her face radiant over the gigantic bulge in her stomach. "Xander?" she asked hesitantly, not wanting to hear any more excuses. "In traction," Willow said matter of factly. "What?!?" "Oh, you didn't hear...? Oh, well, no. I suppose you wouldn't have, since I'm the only one available to tell you, and well, here I am telling you." It was Buffy's turn to be exasperated. "Telling me what, Will?" she asked slowly and calmly. "Oh! Right. Xander got hit by a bus." Buffy closed her eyes and counted to ten. "How did he get hit by a bus, Will?" "Huh? Oh. He was on his way to get pickles." "Pickles?" "Umm hmm. And raspberry cream sauce," Willow told her. Buffy tried to stifle her shudder. "Why was he...nevermind. Would you please just tell me what happened?" "Well, I was having a craving. You know, I get those a lot. Oz thinks it's the baby. I think it's my mom's genes." "Your mom's jeans? Wiiilllll...." "Okay, okay," the pregnant redhead said. "I was having a craving, and for once, Oz wasn't around. I think he was still at school. Yes. And Xander was here with me. I swear, between the two of them, I never get any time alone. I tell them that when my water breaks, they'll immediately know, because it'll end up soaking one of them." Buffy closed her eyes and prayed for patience. "Anyway, Xander said he'd go pick up some food and on his way he got hit by a bus. It was horrible. And here I was, a bloated whale, unable to do *anything*. It was just an awful ordeal." Buffy sighed. It was no use asking more questions. Besides, if Xander wasn't doing well -- or as well as possible -- Willow would have been more upset than she sounded. Which was not at all. "Fine. Spike?" "Brazil."

"I've got it!" Buffy exclaimed. "It's perfect. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! If you could just call - " "I hope you're not going to suggest Cordelia," Willow said, instantly deflating Buffy's balloon of happiness. "Why not?" Buffy asked, dreading the answer. "She's on vacation. In Hawaii. With her - " "Doyle?" Buffy interrupted. " - new husband," Willow finished. "So I guess it's her honeymoon." Buffy gripped the phone, though she was careful not to crack the plastic. "Don't tell me," she said with a resigned air. "Doyle." "Yep. You know, I never would have pegged Cordy for the demon-marrying kind. Maybe it's his fashion sense...or lack of," Willow continued musingly. Buffy was silent for a very long time, letting Willow babble on about the inconsequential ramifications of Cordelia's marriage to Doyle. "But they seem great together. She likes to shop and he has tons of money. And when she just can't shut up, well, the man knows how to handle her. They're so cute together, Buffy. You really should see them. But, I guess you see now that there's just no one else but you," Willow finished, coming full circle in their conversation. Buffy took a deep breath. Obviously Willow was right. "Fine," she sighed. "Great! So, how's Paris?" Buffy gazed out onto the terrace of her suite. Though it was night, the lights from the Eiffel Tower illuminated the dark sky, eclipsing many of the bright stars she so longed to see. "It's gorgeous," she answered truthfully. "The past few months have been wonderful. Peaceful. Well, as peaceful as can be when you're tracking down vampires and demons. But being alone...it's been good for me, Will." "Sounds it," Willow said, happy for her friend. "You sound so much happier now Buffy. Really. It's like a miracle. We all thought...." she trailed off, not wanting to offend Buffy. "I know," Buffy said softly. Her thoughts drifted to the course her life had taken after everything had gone downhill. "I know you were worried about me, afraid I'd remain a shell. But traveling, seeing the world, well it's just given me a new perspective. And knowing that Sunnydale was in good hands made it easier to get my own life back together. But it's been over a year now. I guess the trip had to end some time. Besides, Mom's been hinting that she wants me to come back. I guess now I just have a reason to." Not the reason she wanted, but a reason nonetheless. "Yes. Believe me, we're all looking forward to seeing you again. And - and, it'll be like you never left. You know, without all the bad things happening." "Right," Buffy said sardonically. "Yet I'll be inviting all the 'bad things' back if I do what you ask of me."

"I'm not asking," Willow said firmly and Buffy could almost see her "resolve face". "I'm telling you. This is what you have to do and you have to do it 'cause you're the only one who can do it. Capeche?" Buffy shook her head laughingly. "Sure, Will. Whatever you say." "Good," Willow said, appeased. "So, I'll see you tomorrow?" "Yeah," Buffy told her, glancing one last time over the City of Lights. "I'll be on the first Concord out of here. Promise." "I've missed you, Buff," Willow said suddenly. She thought of all the things she'd run away from, and all of the things she was running back to. "I've missed you too, Will." ===== There was no place like home. No where on Earth, or at least the places she'd been, had ever been able to evoke the same sense of security and terror as Sunnydale. "Home is where the Hellmouth is," Buffy quipped to herself as she lifted her carry-on and strode to the redhead squealing from her spot a few feet off. "Willow!" she cried out, dropping the same bag as she swept her friend into a strong hug, careful not to squeeze too hard. "You've gotten so big since the last pictures! When are you due?" The women laughed together as they chatted and walked to the baggage claim. Though she'd been away for a long time, Buffy had kept her earthly possessions to a bare minimum. Besides her carry-on, she had only two other bags. One which was full of gifts for her friends and family. "It's amazing to see you again Buffy. You look so great!" Willow gushed lovingly. Buffy smiled and shook her head. "I've changed a bit," she said, tugging at the end of her long ponytail. Her hair had grown, she'd gotten thinner, but overall she looked ageless. Willow noted with a bit of relief that the sorrow and sadness were gone from Buffy's eyes. The haunting look in them as Buffy had boarded the plane so many months ago had never left her. "But I must say, you've changed far more than I have. Look at you! You're a family woman now." Willow grinned. "Family woman with my own flourishing career, I'll remind you. Oz hasn't been wanting me to work, but I figure since my business is home-based anyway, there's no use getting lazy. I'm the headstrong one, don't ya remember?" Willow teased. "Mmmm, I must have forgotten that point," Buffy smiled. As they stepped out into the startling sunlight, Willow gazed up at her friend. "How're you holding up?" she asked softly. Buffy looked around, breathing in the fresh air and taking in her surroundings, so familiar yet so strange. "I'm okay," she answered honestly, knowing inherently what Willow was asking. "It's not as hard, looking around, you know? I don't expect it to be as easy when I get home, but I'm better now." Willow clasped Buffy's hand in hers. "I'm here if you need me, you know that." She hailed a cab and the settled themselves inside.

"I know, Will. I just.... Back then I only wanted to forget. It's still not something that's easy to talk about." Buffy looked out of the window as they began to move. "But it's not the end of the world, either. You just go on living. There's no other choice." "You're right," Willow said truthfully. "I'll admit I was worried. And it was hard, with everyone else not knowing a thing. And I still don't think you should have - " "Will, please?" Buffy asked gently. "I just got home. I really don't need a lecture right now on what I should or shouldn't have done." "I understand. But some people," Willow said meaningfully, referring to Giles and Joyce, "deserved to hear the truth." Buffy turned back to her friend. "You're right. And maybe now...maybe someday soon...I'll be able to explain things. To everyone. But as for now, there's only four people who know what happened, and I want to keep it that way." Sunnydale was a small town, and the cab ride to her mother's house did not take long at all. The driver toted her belongings inside and she paid him, shutting the door as he left. The house was cold and empty. Her mom was at an art auction in New York. Willow breezed through the house, lighting it up and giving it a more cheery atmosphere. A beeping noise drew Buffy's attention away from her thoughts and back to her friend. "What's that?" "Hmmm? Oh, it was just Oz letting me know he'd be staying late at school again," she held up her neon pink beeper. Buffy laughed. "You know, I really can't see Oz being a high school teacher. Even a music teacher. Especially at Sunnydale High. I'd have thought it'd be condemned as a disaster area by now anyway." Willow grinned, her eyes softening at the mention of Oz's name. "He loves it. And the students are great. His students, anyway." "It's funny how when you're an adult, your entire perspective changes," Buffy commented wryly. Willow stuck her tongue out at her friend. "We're not adults. I refuse to believe it. It's just too scary a thought." "Scarier than Hellbeasts and vampires?" Buffy joked. "Way scarier. Too much responsibility. I mean, can you imagine...Xander as an adult?" Buffy shuddered. "You're right. Way too scary. But come on. You're having a baby soon. You can't get much more responsibility than that." "But it's good responsibility. Besides," Willow said, easing herself down on the couch, "it's part of me and part of Oz. Do you know how amazing the knowledge of that is?" Buffy's hands fluttered over her abdomen and she turned from Willow. "Oh, Buffy," Willow gasped. "I'm so sorry! I didn't...I didn't mean - "

"No, Will. It's okay." She smiled as she sat down in a chair next to her friend. "Just one of the things I've learned to deal with gracefully. I mean, I'm a Slayer. Wasn't like I was gonna have kids anyway, right?" Buffy couldn't soften the harsh note of bitterness in her voice. Willow turned sad eyes on her friend. "You don't know that," she said softly. "Look, Will. I can't think of all of the 'could have beens' and 'should have beens'." "No," she said, getting angry. She'd developed quite a temper since she'd become pregnant. She liked to say it was a hormone imbalance, but Oz liked to say she just felt comfortable in hiding behind her condition. "But you don't have to take it on like a martyr. You shouldn't take all the blame." Buffy tried to block her words out, but she couldn't. "Well, where do I lay the blame, Willow? Huh, 'cause I'd really like to know. There's no one person I can look at and say, 'There! He ruined my life! I'm gonna kill him!' It doesn't work that way, and if you hadn't noticed, the main perp skipped town. And I have no idea where he is, which is perfectly fine with me!" "Is it?" Willow asked. "'Cause I just think that if it was me, I'd want to hunt him down and rip his throat out!" Buffy stared at Willow, surprised by the vehemence in her voice. She couldn't stop the giggles. "What's so funny?" Willow asked defensively. Buffy shook her head. "I think Oz-wolf has been rubbing off on you." Willow grinned. Any mention of Oz made her smile. "Why yes, he has," she practically purred. "Willow!" Buffy gasped. "What? I'm a married woman. I have the right to get a little -- or big -- happy now and then." Her eyes once again darkened. "What about you?" Buffy sighed, pretending she didn't know what her friend was asking. "Nope, not married." That didn't fool Willow. "You know what I meant." Buffy sighed. "No. I haven't...y'know...just, no." Willow frowned. "Buffy, are you sure you're over - " "Yes!" Buffy told her. "Look, you wanna talk about it, fine. I was in love with Angel, I slept with him. Things turned out badly. I wasn't in love with Parker, I slept with him. Things turned out badly. I didn't sleep with him again, he...raped me, it turned out badly. I thought I was in love with Riley, I didn't sleep with him, it turned out badly. Do you see a pattern here, 'cause I do. I just wasn't meant to have a love life. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I've come to the conclusion that, as a Slayer, I'm not meant to multiply. Now, I cling to that, Willow. Please don't ruin it for me. It took me years to get over the fact that," her voice broke as her tears threatened to overflow, "that I wouldn't be able to have children because that...that *bastard*...tore me up so badly inside. It's just easier for me to believe that I wasn't meant to have kids in the first place. And besides," she finished, her tirade weakening, "I haven't had *sex* since then, because I can't get near a man without shrinking away from his touch if he makes a move on me. Okay? So

maybe I'm not completely over it, but I'm doing the best I can." Buffy sat there numbly as Willow stared at her. "Buffy, I'm sorry," she whispered. Buffy laughed mirthlessly. "It's not your fault, Willow. You've been great, through it all. You're my best friend. But I...I just can't...*be*...with anyone else." Willow sighed. "Then I hate to bring this up, but - " "I'm on it," Buffy smiled, her emotions once again hidden skillfully from view. "I'm leaving early tomorrow morning, so really, this is just a pit stop. Needed somewhere to sleep. With any luck, I'll see Angel, tell him the great news, and be out of L.A. by nightfall tomorrow." The redhead grinned halfheartedly. "Really think it'll be that simple?" "I don't see what's stopping it," Buffy said, the light in her eyes determined and sure. ==== Buffy threw back her shoulders and stiffened her spine. Surprising as it was, she could handle this gracefully. Life had always thrown her curve balls. She was a Slayer, didn't that prove something? Her smile wavered in the beginning, but she saved face, carefully hiding her emotions beneath the cool veneer of her exterior. "It's nice to meet you, Kate," she said, her voice was subdued and temperate, not the loudmouthed, brash tone of the Slayer who'd stalked so imperviously into the den of her former lover. As she extended her hand, she noticed the other woman's touch was smooth and cool and her grasp was sure and confident. "It's a pleasure to meet you also, Buffy. I've heard so many things about you," Buffy heard her say amidst the cacophony of thoughts raging through her mind. "So many things". Good things? Bad things? What "things" would Angel have said about her? What "things" did Angel share with this woman? This...stranger. "Oh really?" she laughed nervously, pulling her hand back to tuck a wayward strand behind her ear. Blond hair. Like the woman had. "I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing." "Definitely good," the police woman assured her with a smile. "Angel has nothing but praise for you." Angel. Angel. Angel. The name resounded inside of her brain like a mantra. But there was nothing mystical or magical in the way this woman said it. The way her tongue rolled over the soft syllables, caressing his name as her hands had most assuredly caressed his body. Her Angel. Buffy's Angel. Kate's Angel. "Speaking of, Girl," Whistler turned to Buffy, "he should be here any time now." Buffy turned to Angel's demon "friend" with thankful smile. He'd agreed to take Doyle's place while the happy couple was on their honeymoon. "I really didn't mean to barge in. I'm sorry. I...I thought he'd be here already. There's...." Buffy hazarded a glance back at Kate, her gaze sweeping over her turned back. "There's just something I have to tell him. And I...I wouldn't even have come all the way.... It's a small thing actually. It's just...a small, big thing."

Whistler rested a hand on her shoulder, his tone gentle. "It's okay. I don't profess to be too knowledgeable in this area. Hell, I'm the one who introduced you two, in a round about way. He'll not be expecting you, but I'm sure your visit will come as a nice surprise." "For who?" Buffy mumbled doubtfully. "Mmmm. Why don't you ask him?" he asked, looking over her shoulder. Buffy turned as Angel walked into the agency building. Since Cordelia wasn't around Kate had been taking over her duties during her off hours from the station. As she stood bent over the phone, Buffy watched Angel wrap his arms around her from behind and place a light kiss on her cheek. She'd never imagined that anything could hurt as much as hearing him tell her he did not want to spend the rest of his life with her, as much as watching him walk away from her, but this did. Seeing the tall, older woman turn to him, a smile lighting up her face, Buffy remembered what it was like to feel Angel's arms around her. Had she looked so radiant every time Angel walked into a room? Had her eyes glowed with emotion every time he was near? Time seemed to move in slow motion for Buffy, and the knife twisted in her heart. But she fought to keep up her tranquil facade. Whistler squeezed her shoulder softly, sensing how much the sight of Angel and Kate tore her up. "Angel?" he called out quietly, bringing the darkly handsome vampire's attention around to where they stood. Buffy was thankful for the man's comfort, though she clasped her hands tightly behind her back. The look on Angel's face as he spotted her only drove the knife home. Had she really thought she could face him? That she could come to him, with the news she had to share with him, and expect everything to be dandy? Angel stood still, surprise etched on his face. It had to be an illusion. A dream. He had them so often, it would not be unusual. Buffy wasn't in California. Buffy wasn't even in America. She was in France. And before she'd been in Australia. And China. And Russia. He'd heard she was headed to Spain next. He made sure to keep intent track on her whereabouts. This was not Buffy. Besides, forgetting the fact that he'd not seen her in four years, she did not look like the Buffy he remembered. Her hair was still blond, but it was long and so straight that it looked like spun silk. It hung down her back, the ends brushing over her waist, back and forth, in the same rhythm of the rise and fall of her chest. Her skin was still golden with tan, despite the fact that she hadn't been a California girl for over a year. Her eyes were a bright sea blue, denying their hazel colour. Angel's eyes roamed over her body hungrily, searching for any sign that she was merely a spectre. Her skirt was tapered and mid-calf length and a deep purple, the raw silk shimmering like amethysts. Her top was fitted and a pale violet that contrasted well against the deep, rich colour of her skirt. It left her shoulders bare, her dainty clavicle enhanced by the thin gold chain around her neck from which hung the small cross he was so used to seeing. She'd lost weight, he noticed with a frown. She seemed so frail, yet she was still so beautiful that it made his heart ache. As he returned his gaze to her eyes, he almost started at the maelstrom of emotions he saw. But as soon as he blinked, she'd covered them well. Buffy was in no better of a state. It was hard looking at him -- her avenging Angel -- without breaking down into the sobs that even now wracked her heart. How had they gotten here? It seemed almost like yesterday that she'd been the only love in his life, and he hers. She didn't begrudge Angel his happiness. She just didn't know when that happiness had ceased to be her. And he was so handsome, standing before them in his black. Some things never changed, she thought with a smile. Black trousers, fitting his strong,

powerful thighs just so. Black boots gracing his feet. How he ever managed to be stealthy was beyond her. His pristine white shirt was untucked, but covered mostly by his leather jacket. One she was quite familiar with. He was so unchanged. It was startling. Buffy knew, of course, that he was a vampire. Destined to remain ageless. But it didn't help the fact that she could remember every detail of him distinctly. It didn't help that she could feel so easily transported to those years. "Angel," she greeted him quietly. "B-Buffy," he sputtered. She smiled slightly. "Long time no see, huh?" She tried to make light of their situation. It all seemed so surreal. She had to keep it that way. If the reality of it hit her.... "Extremely," he murmured. "Honey, Buffy just dropped in a few minutes before you arrived. Isn't this a wonderful surprise? It's not often you get visits from your old friends. You know, if you discount Cordelia," she said, wrinkling her nose at Cordelia's name as she slipped her arms around her lover. The fact that Kate and Cordelia did not get along was not lost on Buffy. She'd known from Cordy's brief letters. Known also that Angel had moved on. "Yes, well, I was just in the neighborhood and thought, 'What the hey. It's not like I have anything better to do'," Buffy said, laughing hollowly. Angel's eyes were alert as he watched Buffy. Something wasn't right. Besides, her excuse for stopping by was bullshit. And she knew he knew. Buffy raised her fingertips to her temples, unconsciously trying to relive her stress over the situation. "Well, ummm. I should probably get going. Places to go, vampires to slay. Or something like that." She nervously fidgeted with the strap of her purse as she moved past the group. "Buffy, wait," Angel said, his hand around the top of her arm restraining her. Buffy flinched at his touch, then glanced down at his hand and swallowed the tears that rose unbidden to her eyes. His touch was so cold, so sterile. Well, the cold part could be explained, even treasured, but he was emotionally cold. "Is this the only reason you dropped in? A random 'hi'?" The way she flinched at his touch infuriated him. As if he would ever hurt her. Buffy threw a pleading look to Whistler before hazarding a gaze into Angel's dark eyes. "Yeah. I mean, you'll probably see me again while I'm here. But uhhh, yeah. Just thought I'd say...'hi'...." She calmly extricated herself from Angel's grasp and walked out of their office. "She's so sweet," Kate said with a smile. "It was nice of her to stop by." With that, she excused herself to make a few client calls. "Was that the only reason she came by?" Angel asked his friend without preamble. "No," the demon told him. "But she'll be back," he assured.

Buffy slumped against the wall of the building, gasping for fresh air as soon as she stepped out into the night. Her body shook and she wanted to throw up. How was she going to tell him? What would he think of her? Buffy closed her eyes, letting her hot tears trickle out from beneath her lowered lashes. Pictures of him and Kate ran through her mind as if they were on a loop. She unclenched her hands finally and saw that her nails had dug deep enough into her flesh as to draw blood. How would she ever be strong enough to face the fact that the love of her life...didn't love her anymore? ===== "I'm sorry, Angel. Even *I* didn't know. Willow and Giles figured it out only a few months ago, though why they didn't tell you then, I don't know," Buffy babbled. Throwing her hands up in the air, Buffy turned from the mirror and sunk down onto the bed in her hotel room. There was no way she could tell him. No way that didn't sound like she was trying to win him back. Which she wasn't. She wasn't even thinking of Angel leaving Kate and running off with her into the sunset -- or just after it. Was she? Nope, she couldn't be. Hadn't she just told Willow that she couldn't be with *anyone*? And didn't *anyone* include Angel? Yes. So she couldn't be with him. It was settled. No it wasn't. She still had to figure a way out to break the "good" news to him. How did you tell a soul cursed vampire that there was no curse on his soul? That your best friend had tried to re-curse him, had even invoked the spirit of the gypsies, but had failed anyway. That he'd broken through his own demon, beaten his own demon, and had been living a lie since he'd returned from Hell? Buffy didn't think they made Hallmark cards for that. The phone rang just then and Buffy rolled over to pick it up. "'Lo?" "Buffy," she heard Willow say on the other end of the line. "How're things?" "Not as simple as I'd hoped," Buffy groaned. Willow grinned knowingly, but kept her concerned tone. "Oh really? Why not?" "Well," she sighed. "I met Kate today. I don't like her. I mean, I guess there's nothing too off about her...but if Cordy doesn't like her, I don't like her." She knew quite well that her reasoning was faulty. "You're basing your opinion on Cordelia?" Willow almost laughed. This was too good. "Yeah, well...if you'd met her, you'd feel the same way. Besides, I trust Cordelia. And if you heard the way she talked about Cordy, you'd feel the same way." Willow thought about it. Though the May Queen had become an official part of the Gang, Willow had still said some pretty bad things about her. "Oh, I"m sure you're right," she hurriedly agreed. "Will, if you just saw her," Buffy said, her depression evident over the phone. "She's tall and pretty and...and she's a cop. You know what that means? It means she gets to help Angel with his cases." "Yep," Willow said. "That's what it means." "He never asked me to help with his cases. Probably because he had his lover, Kate, helping him do all the dirty work. Helping him 'do the dirty'," Buffy pouted.

Willow tried to hold back her laughter. So Buffy was jealous. It was a good sign. "Well, I think Angel thought you didn't want to help him." "Why would he think that?" Buffy asked defensively. "Well, because when he came to you the last time - " "First time," Buffy corrected. "First *and* last time," Willow amended. "You let him stand out in the rain the whole night, pounding on your door until sunrise. It was so horrible to see him burst into flames like that. Really, Buffy. That was awful of you." "It's nice to know whose side your on," Buffy shot without conviction. "I'm not on anyone's side, Buffy. I just don't think he deserved a horrible flaming death." "I didn't want his pity, Will." "How do you know it was pity? Maybe it was worry. No matter who Angel's involved with, he still cares about you. And you know that. He could be married and if you needed help, he'd still run to your aid without the first thought, if you asked. Even if you just hinted." "Oh God, Will. Do you think he'll marry her?" "Buffy! You're not even listening to me! It wouldn't even matter if he *did* marry her. He still loves you, Buffy. And you still love him." "I do not. And...and he doesn't love me. If you could have seen him with - " "I have, Buffy. Okay? I have seen him with Kate. And yeah, you know what, she loves him with her whole heart. Which only makes me feel sorry for her. You know why? Because she and I both know, deep down, that Angel will always hold you first in his heart. And maybe you can't face that, and maybe he can't face that, but it's obvious to everyone else." Willow paused, catching her breath before she continued blasting Buffy. "I've seen the two of you together. I know what your love was like. It was so...powerful, Buffy. I'm happily married, and I love Oz more than anything. But you know what? I'm still a little jealous of your love. Because even though you'll get old and die, you know that there's someone on this earth who will always love you more than life itself. Your love is immortal. And I think if it was possible, the love you two share would be powerful enough to keep you with him for all time. It's a force of nature." Buffy remained silent on her end of the line. "You won't hear me say this again, and you probably won't hear your Mom or Giles, and especially not Xander, ever say it, but maybe we were wrong. Who were we to tell you that your love was fruitless? That's not something any of us could ever know, Buffy." "Do you really believe that?" Buffy asked quietly. "I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't," Willow said with a grin.

===== Angel sat in his office with his door closed. Nothing unusual there. But he wasn't studying his case files or talking to a client. No, he was staring at an old photograph and thinking. That's all. Thinking. Some would say brooding. Seeing Buffy again had brought back so many memories. Not just the good ones, either. In fact, the ones most predominant in his mind were the ones which had been made most recently. Four years ago, Buffy had come to him. And though he'd promised her he'd always be around if she ever needed him, Angel had failed her. The night she'd shown up at his apartment doorstep, half naked, frozen and shivering from the rain and cold, was embedded for all time into his brain. He'd lifted her effortlessly and she'd surrendered to his touch. It was like Buffy was dead. Angel had stripped her, bathed her, clothed her warmly and tucked her into bed, but she remained as lifeless as a ragdoll. The only signs of life were her breathing and the tears that coursed a continuous stream down her cheeks. Eventually she'd rolled over next to him, clinging to him as she would a lifeline, and slept. He'd worried ceaselessly, only to have his worst nightmare -- or one of them -- come true as Buffy had relinquished her sordid tale to him in the morning. She told him that she'd been attacked, that a *friend* of hers had attacked her and forced himself on her. And with every word she spoke, she killed another part of him. Angel had been ridden with guilt. As she talked to him, thoughts kept banging in his head. If he hadn't left her, if he hadn't had to be the hero, if he hadn't had to atone for his past sins, then this wouldn't have happened to her. Yet another sin was on his soul now, and this the worst of all. He'd let harm come to the woman he loved more than life. He was furious at himself, and in his rage of emotions, his demon had broken free. He'd asked her how she could let it happen, as if he was accusing her. And Angel knew, in his own way, he was. As his questions grew more brutal, Buffy had run from him. It had taken him a week to come to terms with his own guilt. When he'd finally gone to her, Buffy had refused to even see him. He didn't blame her. But he hadn't been happy when she'd let him meet the sun. After that, he lost contact with her. She didn't receive his phone calls, wouldn't respond to his letters. His only knowledge of her came through Willow and Spike until he'd hired his own detective to follow her closely and to report to him immediately if she was in trouble. Angel knew he was borderline obsessive, but he had to make sure he never let harm come to Buffy again. The only other problem he'd heard of in Buffy's love life was from a guy named Riley. They'd dated for three years, but Buffy had never agreed to consummate the relationship. When they'd graduated, Riley had given her an ultimatum. Sleep with him, or they were over. She'd left him and got on a plane, seeking her place elsewhere. And Angel had also moved on. Created a life with Kate. It wasn't perfect, but it was home. Kate knew his history and she accepted him for who and what he was. And with the knowledge that he could never risk total happiness, Angel had slept with her. There was no reason not to, Angel knew, as long as his happiness resided in Buffy, and Buffy alone. Besides, Kate deserved as much as he could possibly give her. She'd been his redemption. With Kate, Angel could be himself. He didn't have to hold back. Everything was up front, and along with Kate's acceptance came Angel's denial. He could live without Buffy as long as she was happy without him. And he had to. Because he couldn't let any danger, even from his own hands, invade her life. Now he was face to face with his goddess. And even now, she flinched at his touch. Was the thought so distasteful to her, then? Could she not stand to look at him, knowing that if he hadn't left her, she'd never have had to go through the ordeal of that other guy? Angel wouldn't blame her. It was the truth. He sighed. Whistler had assured him that Buffy would come back to him. But now the wise, if cryptic, demon was away and Doyle had taken his place once again. It wasn't that he doubted Buffy would come back. He just dreaded it. And lived for it. Angel lived for any moment that he could bask in her beauty, her life, her goodness. But the thought of being rejected by her once again left him cold. Colder than usual.

So that left two questions. What was Buffy here for? And how could he let her walk out of his life again? ==== "Cordelia?" Buffy screeched as she stepped into the office. She'd never been so happy to see someone. Almost. "Buffy?" the tall, dark-haired girl squealed right back at her. Despite the fact that they'd never been the best of friends, the girls ran to each other and embraced, jumping up and down. Buffy had grown to admire Cordelia's underlying sensitivity -- and her descriptive letters of Angel, and Cordy had grown to admire Buffy's strength and wisdom. Their correspondence over the years had drawn them close. Closer than either would have imagined. "It's sooo good to see you," Buffy said, searching the place for Kate. "Oh, the witch isn't here," Cordy said. "Huh?" Buffy said absently, thinking she was talking about Willow. "Kate," Cordelia said with a chipper smile. "I've tried water, but I guess that only works in the movies. She just won't melt *or* shrivel up and die. Of course, then again, I haven't tried a house yet." Buffy grinned and brightened as she saw the man walking up behind Cordy. "Oh! Of course! I haven't properly congratulated the two of you. Married life seems to be treating you well, Cordy." Cordelia smiled. "Positively spoiling me, it is." "Hello, lass," Doyle grinned at Buffy, wrapping his arms around his wife. "I didn't think that was possible," he said to Cordelia. "What?" "That you could *possibly* be more spoiled than you are, dearest," he smiled. "Ooohhh," she groaned and elbowed him in the stomach. "Really," she told Buffy, "he likes being called Spot. That is, since he most often finds himself in the dog house." Buffy laughed and shook her head at the two. "The two of you are almost as bad as Willow and Oz. Which would probably be just Willow, since Oz is the man of few words and less expressions." "What about you?" Cordelia asked. "I thought you'd at least join some sexy sultan's harem for a month or two." "Sorry, pasha my name is not. Anyway, uhhh, is Angel around?"

Cordy nodded. "Yeah, he's in his office. But you might not wanna - " "Well, it's an emergency. So, check ya later, lovebirds." Facing Angel wasn't the most promising thought, but she had to get it over with. As she neared his office door, Buffy heard the argument coming from within. "Admit it, Angel," Kate's voice, thick with tears, shouted. "I don't have anything *to* admit, Kate. You don't know what you're talking about." Buffy could hear the thread of tension underlying his words. As if by memory, she pictured him in his office, standing in front of his desk as he leaned against it, his arms crossed stubbornly over his chest. Angel stood in front of his desk as he leaned back against it. His arms were crossed stubbornly over his chest as he watched Kate throw her tantrum. "I don't know what I'm talking about. *I* don't know what I'm talking about?" she sputtered furiously. "You didn't even come home last night! I'm sick of this, Angel! Do you understand me? All of your disappearing acts. All because of *her*. No! Don't deny it! I tried to be nice, to be accepting, but I *saw* how you looked at her. I *saw* you, dammit!" "Kate, calm down. Look, there's nothing going on between Buffy and I. That ended a long time ago and it's never going to resurface." Because Buffy would never let her get near him. "Buffy's a friend now. It's just how we both want it." How Buffy wanted it, anyway. "The things between us will always be between us, but I'm with you now. I've committed myself to you and I've told you that a hundred times." And Buffy loathed his touch. Not that he could touch her, should touch her. It would be too much of a temptation. "Buffy and I are in the past." "Fine. Fine, Angel! But just tell me something. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me. Tell me that you don't still love her!" Buffy covered her mouth and ran back the other way. The woman wanted him to say the words. He'd practically drawn her a picture of how much he did *not* love Buffy, and she was begging for the words. Well, Buffy would damned before she stood around and listened to the words, hateful as they were. "Buffy, Buffy what's wrong?" Cordelia cried out in concern. Buffy looked around frantically. "Where's Doyle?" she demanded. "Buffy, I think you - " "Dammit, Cordelia! Please, just tell me where Doyle is. It's important!" Cordelia nodded down the hall. "Third door on the right. But I..." Buffy was already dashing down the hallway. "That girl never calms down. I swear, she needs to learn that not every little sign means the world's gonna be sucked into Hell." "Doyle, we have to talk," Buffy announced determinedly as she barged in unannounced. At his wordless nod she sat down and began to tell him the news. *****

Angel looked down. "I can't do that," he murmured quietly. "I knew it," Kate said, as soon as the words were out of his mouth. "But," Angel looked up. "It's not because I don't love you. I'll just always love Buffy." "More," Kate said in resignation, the fight flowing out of her. "You'll just always love Buffy *more*." "Kate, I - " "No, Angel. I think deep down I knew this day would come. Every week you disappear, and every week I lose a little more of you. I don't know why I didn't face it sooner. Maybe it was because you never faced it yourself, and as long as you could pretend, so could I. But you can't now, can you? Not after seeing her again. You love her. You'll always love her." "I do," Angel admitted. "I will. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you." "No," Kate said ruefully. "We never start out intending to hurt someone, do we?" Angel stepped forward and wrapped Kate in a hug. "You're a good woman." Kate laughed. "No, I'm a selfish woman. If I was a good woman, I would have taken one look at your soulful brown eyes, seen your love for Buffy, and forced you to go to her no matter what. As it stands, I tried to keep you for myself." She looked up at him. "But you, Angel, you always knew there was one person, and one person only, who owned your heart. And seeing as how I'm dumping you," she grinned, "you're a free man now. Or at least one who's free to make the right decision for once." "Thanks," he said quickly before running out of his office. He had to find Buffy. "Woah, woah there. Slow down, big guy." "Not right now, Doyle, I have to - " "Find Buffy?" Doyle finished. "Yes," Angel said as he stopped in the hallway. "How'd you know?" "Well, besides the fact that you and Kate could be heard through the entire building, I just had a chat with the lass." "Is she still here?" Angel asked hurriedly. "No, she left - " "Then I don't know why I'm here talking to you. I have to find her." He tried to push past Doyle, but his friend stopped him. "I think you should wait until you hear what I have to tell you." "What could be so important that it can't wait until after I find her?"

"Believe me. You'll understand," he led them back to his office where he sat Angel down in the same seat Buffy had moments earlier been occupying. "There's a reason Buffy came to L.A.," he began. "I figured as much. What is it? Demons? Vampires?" "You," Doyle told him. "Seems that there's a sick little twist on your life that no one knew about until recently." "What?" Angel asked, misunderstanding Doyle. "Look, you know everything about me - " "No, no, no. It's nothing like that. This isn't something you're aware of, as far as I know." "So what is it?" Angel demanded anxiously. He had to find Buffy before she left. "Your soul? Permanent." Angel laughed, though it was a joyless sound. "What are you talking about? Is this some kind of sick joke?" Doyle shook his head sadly. "Seems that your friend Willow didn't actually perform the Restoration spell. Oh, she intoned the gypsy spirits and all of that, but it didn't work." "Of course it did," Angel said dumbly. "I got my soul back, you know that." It hurt Doyle to tell his friend this, knowing everything he'd been through. "You gained your own soul back. Now, I don't profess to know how, but you beat your demon. Somehow. And you've had your soul since you returned from Hell. On your own terms, no curse involved." Angel sat in Doyle's office, his mind a whirlwind of thoughts. Time spent and wasted. Time he could have been with Buffy. He'd retained his soul. By his own worth. It was a stunning blow. "I don't believe this." "Believe it, big guy. Willow and Giles learned of the fluke a few months ago, but they had to make sure. Also, they wanted to wait - " "For what?" Angel asked hoarsely, hurt that his friends could deny him this information for any amount of time. "Boy, you just won't let a guy finish, will ya? They wanted to wait for a good time to ask Buffy break the news to you." "Wha-.... Why Buffy? They knew it would hurt her the most." "Because you still love her and she still loves you and the both of you are too stupid and proud to admit it to either yourselves or each other," Cordelia said from the doorway. Angel thought her statement over, finding truth in it, if only from his side. "When did she leave? Where is she going?" "About ten minutes ago. And I assume back to Sunnydale," Cordy replied. "Believe me, she looked like a bat outta hell. Whenever she's that upset, there's only one place - " she pressed herself against the doorway as Angel rushed past her. " - she ever goes. God, those two are one of a kind."

Doyle shot his wife an odd look before breaking into laughter once again. ===== The two hour drive had passed quickly, though in the haze of her anger and embarrassment, Buffy didn't remember much of it. She hadn't really known where she was headed until she pulled up in front of the abandoned apartment. It held both the best and the worst memories for her of her relationship with Angel. Besides, she couldn't quite move in to the mansion. Spike was living there and it would be unseemly of her to just barge in, even if he wasn't there. Especially since she was not seeking comfort, but memories. Toting her bags in, Buffy threw her stuff on the bed. Oddly enough, there was no cloud of dust. She wondered worriedly for a moment whether or not someone was inhabiting the place, but upon inspection, the room was completely bare. But it was obviously cleaned often. She shrugged and placed her small radio alarm clock on the floor. She'd brought batteries, but the place was still electrically sound. Buffy switched on a small lamp next to the bed and sat down. Setting the alarm for six, she turned on the radio. The last thing she needed was silence. The lone DJ spouted embellished words of wisdom as he crooned to all of the lovelorn souls in the night. It made Buffy want to laugh. What did he know of love? Of true love? Of a love so strong that it should have been immortal? She scoffed at her thoughts. And what did she know of it? Obviously the only love she'd ever felt in her life was neither love nor immortal. "'Desire, even in its wildest tantrums, can neither persuade me it is love nor stop me from wishing it were,'" she quoted to herself. She dug her palms into her scratchy eyes, willing the tears to go away, but to no avail. Buffy cried as she listened to the soft music on the radio. God, I feel like hell tonight Tears of rage I cannot fight I'd be the last to help you understand Are you strong enough to be my man? "Mmmm. Know that feeling," she talked to herself, her voice betraying the bitterness she felt. It left a vile taste in her mouth, knowing that Kate would forever have his arms to hold her. His arms to keep her safe and, yes, even warm. It didn't seem fair. Nothing's true and nothing's right So let me be alone tonight 'Cause you can't change the way I am Are you strong enough to be my man? "I'm the fucking Slayer," she intoned mercilessly. "I'm stronger than this. It won't kill me. Can't kill me. It shouldn't even matter to me." Yet the tears kept flowing. She sniffled. "God. I thought I was over this. Why? Why?!" she raged, yanking the lamp from its socket and throwing it against the wall. Even the sound of shattering glass didn't soothe her. The room was bathed in black, but her feeling of vulnerability was already cemented. Buffy's shoulders shook violently as her emotions ran through her in torrents. "Angel," she wailed brokenly. Lie to me I promise I'll believe Lie to me But please don't leave Strong arms enveloped her in a cold embrace. She fought against him, punching his chest and pulling at his arms, but he was much stronger than she. Her tears soaked through his shirt, but he didn't mind. One arm

bound around her, he lifted his other hand to smooth her hair back from her feverish face. His lips tickled her brow as he alternated between placing light kisses on her silken skin and whispering nonsense that was nonetheless calming. He pulled her easily into his laps and curled his body around hers, as if wrapping her in a cocoon of safety. Anything to make her feel secure. I have a face I cannot show I make the rules up as I go It's try and love me if you can Are you strong enough to be my man? Her sobs slowed into the a quiet stream of tears and then into the soft hiccuping of recovery. "Why are you here?" Buffy asked miserably. "I knew you'd come here," Angel told her soothingly. "But why?" Buffy fought to look up at him, though in the black of the room she could only barely make him out. "Why did you come here? Especially if you knew I'd be here." "Buffy...." Angel sighed, his thumbs wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks. She looked so small, so childlike, so innocent, so...hurt. But this wasn't something he could just kiss and make better. However, a kiss didn't sound so bad. So he leaned down and brushed his lips over hers. When she didn't pull back, Angel deepened the kiss. He felt her hands curl around the back of his neck and he pulled her closer to him. He almost smiled when he felt her begin to kiss him back, but he was intent on making this experience as painless as possible for her. Her lips parted and Angel took it to be an invitation, however, when his tongue traced the curve of her lip, she pulled back. "No," she mumbled disconcertedly. Looking up at him, a fire began to burn in her eyes. "No!" she yelled, pushing him away from her. When I've shown you that I just don't care When I'm throwing punches in the air When I'm broken down and I can't stand Will you be strong enough to be my man? "Buffy. Buffy!" He fought with her, catching her fists as she tried again to punch him and blocking her legs as she tried to kick him. It wasn't long before she'd tired herself out, and he easily trapped her beneath him on the bed. His heart cried out as he looked down at her, her breath coming in pants and her hair in wild disarray around her shoulders. "Just go. Leave. Me. Alone," she told him, her words quiet but firm. "I can't do that Buffy." He thought he heard a small giggle come from her. She glared up at him, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Oh really? I thought you had that move perfected." "Buffy..." he warned her, clenching his fists. "No," she stated again, hoarsely. "You just don't understand, Angel. Please. Look. I'm actually begging you. Go. Leave me alone. Please, Angel." Her voice cracked as she pled with him.

"I can't," he told her. He sounded so earnest, so truthful, that Buffy wanted to believe him. "I can't let you go. I can't let you walk away from me. Not knowing what I know now." "And what is that?" Buffy asked, disheartened. "That you still love me," Angel said. Lie to me I promise I'll believe Lie to me But please don't leave "What?!" Buffy exclaimed. "Is that what Doyle told you?" "Yes. He told me you still love me. Well, that's not totally true. Cordelia told me you still love me. Kate told me I still love you. Doyle just told me about the curse." He said it nonchalantly, as if it was no big deal, and reached down to unplug the clock radio. "You shouldn't be here, Angel," Buffy said, shaking her head. "You belong with Kate," she told him, even though it left a bitter taste in her mouth. "Do I?" Angel asked her. "I don't think you really think that." "It doesn't matter what I think," Buffy told him in resignation. She flopped back on the bad and stared at the ceiling, not wanting to look at his beautiful face. "It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what I feel. All the matters is how you feel..." she said, her voice rough with new tears, "and you love Kate. That's all that matters." "You take too much for granted, Buffy." "Do I? Did I take it for granted that you'd never leave me? Did I take it for granted that you'd always love me? Did I take it for granted that we'd be together forever, that it would always be us, that nothing could tear us apart? You know, I'm tired of being wrong. In fact, I'm just plain tired." She closed her eyes, hoping to block the sight of the pain and sadness -- it was probably pity -- in his gaze. "Buffy, I came here because - " "Shit!" Buffy interrupted as the beeper Willow had given her vibrated. She unclipped it from her waist and looked at it. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed in a rush, ducking under Angel's arms and rolling off the bed. "I've got to go. Will's in labor." "I'll go with you," Angel offered, immediately adjusting to the seriousness of the situation and to Buffy's excitement. "No," she said, a little too harshly. Turning, Buffy threw him an apologetic smile. He was Willow's friend, after all. "It's almost dawn. Just...just stay here." Angel brightened a bit until Buffy continued. "You can hang here, I'm sure. It's unoccupied, though someone's been taking care of it. As soon as it's nightfall you can head back to L.A." Without a backwards glance, Buffy ran out of the apartment and jumped into her car. =====

"They're beautiful, Will," Buffy said honestly as she stared down at the two tiny bundles in Willow's arms. The twin boys were sleeping, and their mother looked pretty tired herself. Oz stood by proudly, watching his wife and children with love in his dark eyes. Yes, even Oz was touched by the scene. "They're a handful, but it's so wonderful. They have Oz's eyes. Oh, and my hair and smile," she grinned. Buffy arched a brow as she sat on the edge of her friend's bed. "Is their physiology of any of the...wolfish type?" Willow shrugged. "The doctors say they're perfect. But I've been reading up on it -- just in case. As fas as I learned, if they do have any were-tendencies, it'll begin to express itself at the beginning of adolescence." "Ooooh, making puberty that much more beastly," Buffy quipped. Willow grinned and handed her sons over to Oz. "I think it's time they go back," she said, spotting the nurse in the doorway. Oz excused himself, carrying his sons as proudly as any father ever did. "So did you do it?" Willow asked, eyeing her friend. "Yes. Well, I told Doyle. I can only assume Doyle told him." "Buffy, you - " "I know, I know. I was supposed to tell him. But I just couldn't. I tried." "Well," Willow sighed. "I assume you've been back for a while? Or that you were on your way when Oz beeped you? You got here pretty quickly." Buffy nodded. "I was...here." "Really? Why didn't your mom come with you?" Buffy opened and shut her mouth. "I wasn't at home." "Where were you?" She looked around, her hand reaching out to toy with the curly ribbon on the flowers Xander had sent -from his own room. "I was at the apartment." "The apart - ? Ohhhh. What were you doing there?" "Truthfully?" Willow rolled her eyes. "Fighting with Angel." "What?" "He was there. He said he knew I'd go there. I don't know how he knew. Then again, Angel always knew me better than anyone."

"So, have you guys gotten things sorted out?" "No. I told him to leave. To go back to L.A. Back to Kate." "Is that what you really want?" "What I want doesn't matter." "Buffy, dammit! I'm so tired of you acting as if the whole world is on your shoulders. It's not. And if you would just open yourself up, invite him back in, you'd know that." "I can't..." Buffy whispered. "Arggg!!! The two of you drive me crazy! I'm gonna tell you a story," she patted Buffy's hand. "Remember when you told Angel what happened, and then you ran back home, ashamed because you'd disgusted him?" Buffy nodded. "And remember when he came back for you, and you turned him away?" Buffy nodded again, unsure of where this was headed. "Well, when he came back, I saw him. He didn't know it, but I did. I was on my way back to the dorm when I saw a vampire pull a man who looked much like Parker into a dark alley. Now, I had no love for Parker, but I felt compelled to see what was going on. And lo and behold, there was Angel, in full game regalia, whaling on this 'innocent bystander'. And I was happy. I was happy the guy was getting what he deserved. But Angel never once bit him, he just beat the crap out of him. I think he would have killed him, had Spike not happened along. I listened as Angel told Spike what the guy had done to you. Spike, seeing that the guy was almost dead, made Angel leave. I assume shortly after he showed up on your doorway. And remember when the rumours started that Parker had moved away?" Tears glistened in Buffy's eyes, but she nodded once more. "Well, they weren't exactly true. As soon as Angel had gone, Spike did away with him. Sucked him dry and discarded of the body. And I watched the entire gruesome scene without feeling an ounce of sorrow." Buffy tried to swallow the truckload of information Willow had just given her. "Riley?" she asked softly. He'd also disappeared soon after their breakup. Willow sighed. "Well, I didn't see this, but Spike gave me the story. He hated that Riley had given you an ultimatum, so he reported it to Angel, knowing full well that Angel would run back here and 'take care' of the situation. But after a good beating from the both of them, Riley willingly left town. And...." "There's more?" Buffy asked, shocked. Willow nodded. "Let me guess. The apartment, when you got there, it was neat but bare?" Buffy's look was all the affirmation she needed. "He's been living there. Every other week he comes back to Sunnydale. At first I thought it was just so he could help out. Then I got the feeling he just wanted to be around if you ever showed up." Buffy was stunned. "I never knew...." "No. And he never knew how much you asked about him. So you see, the only thing standing between you and happiness as your foolish pride. Buffy," she said haltingly, "I know life's a little more dim than when you first started out. But you make each other happy. You love. And that's all that matters in this life. Don't let him slip away from you again." With a soft smile, Buffy slipped out of her friend's hospital room. ====

Buffy's car swerved left and right as she sped back to the apartment. She only prayed she got there before he left. Almost before she could finish screeching to a halt, pulling the parking break on and turning off the ignition, Buffy was sprinting into the building. "Angel!" she called out loudly, opening the door with a bang and instantly searching the close quarters. "Angel?" she yelled. There was no answer. She ran through the empty apartment, hoping against hope that he'd appear. "Angel?" he whisper echoed in the darkness. "Buffy?" Angel said as he walked in the open doorway. Buffy spared no attention to his appearance as she launched herself on him. She held his face between her hands and kissed him all over. "Woah," Angel halted her with a chuckle. "Where did this come from?" "I just had a talk with Willow," Buffy mumbled as she continued trailing kisses over his jaw. "She opened my eyes." Angel wrapped his arms around her and kicked the door shut. "Oh did she? How's that?" Buffy leaned back, oblivious to the apprehension in her eyes though Angel was not. "She made me see how much I love you. How much I can't let you go." Angel grinned. "Mmmm. She and Doyle and Cordelia have had a lot on their hands, trying to deal with us, haven't they?" "I'll have to remember to thank them," she murmured softly. Angel arched a brow. "Buffy. Really, what's this about?" Buffy jumped down off of him and began pacing. "I...I don't know how to tell you this. I mean, I do, but...." She looked up at him and squared her shoulders. "I love you. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. Not again. If you walk away again, I think I might die," she ended in a whisper. Angel stepped forward and enfolded her in his embrace. "I'm not leaving you, Buffy. I was wrong to do so in the first place. So wrong. If I hadn't, nothing bad would have happened to you. Not like it did." Buffy stared as the tears began rolling down his face. She tried to soothe him with a kiss. "Angel, don't. None of that was your fault." Angel looked closely at her. "You don't blame me?" he asked hesitantly. Buffy laughed nervously. "How could I blame you for that? Angel, no. Don't even think it. I could never blame you," she reassured him. He leaned down, resting his forehead against hers as he looked deeply into her eyes. "I love you. I thought I could stop, but I never did." "I never stopped loving you either," she told him, caressing his cheek with her fingertips. "I want to make love to you," he told her honestly. "But I know you don't care for my touch."

Buffy's eyes opened wide. "Where in the world did you get that idea?" "The other day," he told her. "When you flinched the moment my fingers touched you." Buffy shook her head. "Angel, I'm sorry. Believe me, it wasn't you. I...I just have a hard time with any man's touch. Especially if it's unexpected." Angel's eyes widened in understanding and he immediately pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her long silken hair. "Oh Buffy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you ever had to experience that." The anguish in his voice made her heart ache for him. "Angel, I haven't had sex since...well, you know. But I want to make love to you, too. I want to feel you, experience you. Know that it's just you and me." As she spoke, she unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it over his shoulders, her fingers dancing lightly over his icy skin. She reveled in the smooth, hard feel of the muscles in his chest, his arms, his back. "I just wanna take it slow." Angel cupped her face in his hand, his thumb tracing over the outline of her lips. "I understand," he murmured hoarsely as her tongue flicked out, wetting his fingers as she drew them into her mouth, one by one. His other hand busied itself unzipping her, which was a laughable attempt with only one hand. And Buffy did laugh, the sound healing the cracks in his heart. "I love you," she murmured every time she pressed a kiss to his chest. Her tongue toyed with is nipples and her teeth scraped at them lightly. She was playful and passionate and she enflamed his senses. When she rested her cheek on the spot above his heart, Angel looped his fingers in the straps of her dress and slid them down her arms. He pushed her back a bit, wanted to enjoy the sight of her breasts, bared to his view. They were full and smooth and her hardened nipples were a dusky rose. His head dipped down, capturing once of those pert nipples between his lips as he laved at her. His fingers stroked the under curve of her breasts, playing over the sensitive bundle of nerves there. Buffy felt like she was about to fall. In fact, she would have had Angel not chosen that time to pick her up in his arms and carry her to the bed. As he set her down, he withdrew the rest of her dress, leaving her body shockingly, yet pleasingly, bare. Though she had lost weight, her body was still molded to fit his. As his eyes washed over every curve and hollow, he was overcome by an intense need to be inside of her. But Buffy needed to take it slow. Or at least to set her own pace. She reached forward and unbuttoned his jeans, each flip of her small fingers exposing more of his aching erection. Her fingertips played with the springy dark curls before encompassing his hard shaft and pulling him free. Instantly, he pushed his jeans down and stepped out of them, only to join her on the bed. He did not climb on top of her, as so many men would have, but he laid down next to her on his side, his gaze worshipping her body. She reached up and joined her hands with his. How she had ever feared that man's touch, Buffy could not imagine. Hands together, she led his fingers to her core. She slid their fingers over her slick slit, and against his cold flesh, she could almost imagine how hot she seemed to him. The thought made Buffy even more aroused. Angel loved her. Angel wanted her. Most. She slid their fingers inside of her, slightly stretching her tight confines. Angel watched as both of their fingers slid inside of her. The sight was incredibly erotic to him, knowing she was feeling the exact same thing he was at this moment. "Buffy," he whispered in her ear. Her back arched up off of the bed and she turned to look up at him. Gone was the fear in her eyes, replaced by a look of love and longing and desire that he knew mirrored his own emotions. He leaned down and captured her mouth in a breathtaking kiss, enticing her tongue to spar with his as he drew her to a more violent level of passion.

Releasing her grasp on his hand, Buffy pulled Angel atop her. "Now," she breathed as she looked into his stormy gaze. She needed to feel him inside of her now. Obligingly, Angel positioned himself at her entrance before slowly sheathing himself within her. She was tighter and hotter than he could have imagined, or remembered, but she felt like home. Like heaven. Buffy drew her legs up and locked them around Angel's waist, allowing him a deeper entry as his strokes began. They locked gazes and moved together in a slow dance. He was so gentle with her that it brought tears to her eyes. This was what she wanted, what she needed. Not necessarily the sex or the hunger, but the trust. Her hips rocked against his and he followed her instead of leading. This was her time. He would do anything she asked as long as he knew it would strengthen the bond between them. The friction between them began spiraling towards her center. She writhed under him, but still he was under control, his slow, long strokes driving her insane with need. As the first wave of her climax crested over her body, Angel picked up his pace. He drove into her, deeper and deeper, causing her to moan his name out loud. He braced one hand on the bed as he pushed himself up, the other hand grasping her hips to his as his thrusts caused her body to arch and rock beneath his. Her hands roamed over the taut muscles of his back as he strained above her, and as the pleasure exploded inside of her, her nails dug deeply into his flesh. But Angel was barely aware of it. With a final plunge, he sunk into her, emptying his cold seed into her tight channel that was still gripping him. Angel collapsed to her side and drew him over with him, settling her on top of him. He brushed back a few strands of hair that were clinging to her forehead, shining with a fine sheen of perspiration. Her could feel her erratic heartbeat against his chest. Angel felt at peace. He felt...happy. Blessed. He pressed a kiss to her temple. "I love you," he murmured. "Mmmmm, I love you too," she told him drowsily. "You know you'll never get rid of me now, don't you?" he asked teasingly. Buffy grinned. "Is that a promise?" Her eyes sprang open and she scrambled off of him. Angel watched with apprehension as she toyed with her bags. But, after pulling out two boxes, she snuggled back down next to him. She handed the larger box to him. "Open it," she said with a secretive smile. "What is it?" Angel asked, a bemused grin playing over his lips. "Open it and find out. I saw it when I was traveling, and I couldn't pass it up. Of course, I never thought I'd actually give it to you, but.... That's neither here nor there now. Anyway, open it," she smiled excitedly. Gently, Angel opened the velvet black box. His eyes widened when he saw what was inside. It was a Claddagh ring. Carefully, he pulled it out, shooting her a curious look. Buffy blushed as she took the ring and slid it onto the ring finger of his left hand. The finger a wedding band would belong on. "'Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody'," she quoted him shyly. With a knowing smile, Angel took the other, smaller, box and opened it, revealing the ring he'd given her years ago. Again, he carefully pulled the ring out, but this time he slipped it onto her ring finger, heart pointing towards her, and placed a tender kiss atop it, his lips also brushing lightly over her knuckles. His eyes were bright and full of promises that he would keep forever more. "You belong to me."

FINIS