What Do You Do with the Whirlwind Kids?

by Linda Ranson Jacobs everal of you have mentioned or asked for help with the children who show up in your DC4K classes who appear to be whirlwinds, storming through the rooms disrupting everything and everyone in sight. There are many reasons children who come to DC4K have an abundant amount of energy or exhibit frenzied activity. You may wonder if they will ever run out of energy. Some may even remind you of the Energizer bunny who keeps on going and going and going. Sometimes it helps to know that its not you or your program. Many times the active kids are disruptive, and sometimes they are not disruptive to the other children but to the adults.

Something else Jesus did was to think outside the box, so to speak. When you come up against a situation such as an overactive child, ask yourself, Now what would Jesus do? Well, Ill tell you what He would do. He would get creative. Some of you may remember a situation in the Bible when many people showed up to hear Jesus talk and they all wanted to see Him. Mark 4:1 reads, Once again an immense crowd gathered around him on the beach as he was teaching, so he got into a boat and sat down and talked from there (TLB). There are going to be times when you will need to get creative in order to reach some of these children especially the overactive kids. In order to minister to the many active children who come to DC4K, it might help you to understand what causes all the excessive energy and hyperactivity. Here are a few reasons for excessive amounts of energy along with suggestions on how to deal with those children. Who Is in Control? For some children it is an issue of who is in controlthe child or the adult? All that excessive movement can tend to get on an adults nerves. I overheard one mother say to her child, You are working on my last nerve! Hmmm, guess who had control over the adult in this situation? To some kids, getting an adult out of control puts the child in charge. For some children, it becomes a game. Decide in advance how much movement you can handle. You may have to do some adjusting and change your mindset about what it means for a child to listen and pay attention. Some children can listen without sitting down. If this is bothersome to you or other children,

I wish I could say if you do this or this then the child will get in control or in the very least slow down, sit down and listen. But every situation and every child is different. There is no one size fits all when it comes to ministering to the child of divorce. And that is what DC4K is all aboutministering! Think about Jesus when He ministered and healed people. He didnt have a one-size-fits-all method. In the story in Matthew 8:16 where He healed the demon-possessed, the Bible says He did it with a word. In Matthew 9:6 when the lame man couldnt walk, He told the man to get up, take his mat and walk. In Mark 8:2223 Jesus spit on the blind mans eyes and put His hands on the man to heal his blindness. We could find situation after situation involving Jesus where He dealt with each person on an individual basis. The same could be said for the many children attending DC4Keach one is different with different wants and needs.

try negotiating with the child. The conversation might go something like this, Chris, I notice you seem to be fidgeting a lot during the video. Is this something that helps you to listen? If the child agrees, then continue with, Well, I have to tell you I have a hard time paying attention to the video with all that moving around. During the video, how about if you sit at the table and watch? That way you can fidget, and I can sit still and concentrate. Keep in mind you have asked the child a question. With a question comes an answer, and it may not be the answer you expect. If this is the case, then either adapt or ask the child for another solution. Nervous Energy For some children the whirlwind behavior is nervous energy. Have you ever been so nervous you just couldnt sit still? Children can get nervous too. This is especially true when something has been given a big buildup. Maybe their parent has really pushed the idea of DC4K and the children have great expectations. Give these kids time to calm down. Give these children a little extra attention. Have an adult sit next to them several times during the session. Not Knowing Not knowing what is going to happen, the fear of the unknown, can result in a disruptive or whirlwind child. You have to keep in mind that many of these children have been through a very confusing time. They may feel they cant trust anyone. Try to put yourself in their place. To a child it seems like one day everything was fine in their homes, the next day a parent moved out, left the child devastated and now everything is not fine. Nothing has been the same since that day. Keep telling the children they are safe. Use the Safekeeper concept over and over until you are saying it in your sleep! Explain everything that is going to happen during the session. Show them the schedule, and assure them each DC4K session is going to be just like the first one.

Fear of Feelings The disruptive or whirlwind activity may be a cover-up for facing feelingsthe child may think, If I keep moving, I dont have to feel anything. Or the child may not know what to do with all the feelings. One little girl in a DC4K group kept jumping all the time. She wouldnt stop jumping. One night the leader asked her what she did when she got mad, and she said, Oh, I jump. I jump until the anger goes away. Evidently the anger had yet to go away. Help the children identify their feelings. Help them to recognize what their feelings look like. Anger might look like a mad-looking scowl, jumping up and down, a clenched fist, etc. For instance, the little girl who was angry knew she jumped up and down a lot, but she hadnt connected the jumping with anger until the leader asked her what she did when she was angry. Fear of Pain Disruptive behavior might be a cover-up for the intense pain the child feelsIf I keep busy, my heart wont hurt so much and I might forget my mom moved out. Encourage these kids to talk. One little boy explained he was upset when his mom moved out. Every day he said he would just sit and watch TV until one day one of his friends came over and invited him to go outside and play. He got so caught up in having a good time with his friends that when he came inside, he forgot his mom had moved out. He asked his dad, Wheres Mom? His dad gently reminded him his mom had moved out and they were getting a divorce. For a short time this child was able to forget how much it hurt not to have his mom around. Because the vigorous play felt good and allowed him to forget, it will be a short journey for him to adopt the premise If I keep moving and busy, I dont have to hurt anymore. Excitement Sometimes it is excitement. Finding out there are other kids facing the divorce of parents can

be comforting as well as exhilarating. It can be exciting for the children to know they are not alone. For some children DC4K might be a time to take a break from the sadness of grieving. For others, they might be on a honeymoon, but give them a few weeks to get adjusted and then the excitement may hit and they wont be able to calm down either. Laugh with them and enjoy these children and their energy. DC4K can be fun for the leaders also! Nutritional Issues For a few children it is a nutritional issue. Too much soda, caffeine and not enough protein, water and foods with nutritional value can cause hyper kids. This is why some of the snacks are so important. Research shows within 15 minutes after drinking a glass of water some children will settle down. Also, drinking a glass of water will help with headaches. So if these children are giving you a headache, perhaps you should try a big glass of water. Dehydrated brains need to be hydrated with water. Lack of Sleep Some children will actually be very tired. Certain children will get overly tired, and when this happens, they develop frenzied actions. Due to stress levels, many of our DC4K kids are not getting the deep REM or rapid eye movement sleep. Consequently this causes excessive energy to build up. One of our DC4K groups had a child who for several weeks in a row went to sleep during the storybook time. One evening they decided to let him sleep for a few minutes. When he woke, he was calm. Disorganized Lifestyle Some children will live in a disorganized world. They live in chaos at both homes. Chaos is the pattern in their brain. When they come to DC4K, they bring that pattern with them. Ever have a group going along just fine and all of a sudden one kid walks in and everything falls apart? This is chaos at work. For these children, take a no-nonsense approach. Give them their

personal schedule and say, I notice each week you cant decide what to do. Im going to help you this week by showing you what I want you to do. Then show the child by walking along beside him or her for the entire session. You might even ask the child periodically, What happens next? Many of the children who live in a world of chaos will need structure when they attend DC4K. While you cant structure their lives outside your environment, you can incorporate structure into your DC4K sessions. In the book Blame It on the Brain by Edward T. Welch, structure is referred to as boundaries, guidelines, reminders and limits. It is a fence that can help contain and direct. He says this means having clear, simple and written rules. Each week you may have to rehearse these same rules with the same child. Rehearsing and Practicing An example of rehearsing and reinforcing structure is to use the session schedule mentioned before. The first time, walk the child through the schedule. The next week, hand the child a personal schedule and rehearse it by talking the child through it. The rehearsal could go something like this, Scotty, last week I helped you by staying next to you all evening. This week I want you to follow this schedule on your own. Think you can do that? Wait for the childs answer. If he says, No, I cant, take the time to physically stay with the child throughout the session. If he says, Yes, quickly talk through the schedule. Scotty, what is the first thing on your schedule you hold in your hand? What comes after that? Scotty, I also want you to show me what you are going to do with that paper when you are not looking at it. (Help him make a commitment.) You might have to help the child decide where to put the paper schedule. It could be in his pocket, on a bulletin board, on a clipboard, etc., but the child needs to have a plan regarding what hes going to do with the schedule. Having a plan for a piece of paper is

helping him change the chaos to order in his brain. Next week when he walks in the room, you can say, Scotty, whats your plan for your schedule tonight? meaning what are you going to do with your time tonight and where are you going to be keeping your schedule. Use the Childs Name You may have noticed in the conversation above that the childs name was used each time the leader was talking to the child. Research tells us that hearing ones own name in everyday situations is an attention grabber. It causes a sudden rise in our own self-awareness. Using PET scans, researchers were able to see what happens in the brain when people hear their first name. There was an increase in blood flow to the part of the brain that plays a role in our processing of self (Perrin, F. et al. [2005] Neuropsychologia, Vol 43[1], 1219). Helping Active Children Make a Commitment For some children, especially those diagnosed with ADHD, allow them to use the session schedule as a checklist. In the book Enriching the Brain by Eric Jensen (Jossey-Bass Education), it says to supply prompts for upcoming events or changes, and memory assist devices. The session schedule can become the ADHD childs memory assist device. The schedule will alert the child as to what comes next. As he or she completes an activity, encourage the child to physically make a checkmark next to the item on the schedule. When a person makes a commitment, carries through with the commitment and acknowledges the success of completion, serotonin levels in the brain are increased. Brain research shows that serotonin is a chemical in the brain that affects our emotions. It has a calming effect on us, and it can keep a child from exploding with aggression. It bonds us with each other. Research also shows aggressive behaviors, obsessive compulsiveness and even depression are linked to low levels of serotonin.

(Conscious Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey, www.consciousdiscipline.com). The checklist should not be used as a means for getting a reward (such as a sticker, gum, candy, etc.) but as something the child has control over. The reward is the childs sense of accomplishment and the feel-good feelings he or she has when making the checkmark and realizing he or she has accomplished completing a goal. When you notice the child checking these items, comment on the childs effort. Karin, look at you. You are using your schedule checklist, and it is helping you stay focused. Describing what the child is doing and commenting on her effort will also add to her sense of success. Keep in mind some of these children have several different environments to adapt to each day. They may start out at the moms house in the morning; go to their grandparents before school; attend school for six hours; go to an after school program; get dropped off at DC4K after going to dinner with dad. How many adults could adjust successfully to this many environments with different sets of rules and expectations in each place? Not many, I suspect, yet we expect and even demand the kids do it. It Has Been Working for Them One other very important reason for active children is some of these children simply dont know how else to act. Unfortunately for you, this behavior has been working for them. They have inadvertently been rewarded for being hyper and/or disruptive by all the negative attention it has brought them. Take away the negative attention. Dont judge them, but simply describe what they are doing. Example: You walked across the room and pulled the chair out and sat down. That was helpful. Watch them, and comment when they fit in, when they follow the rules and when they are calm. Do not tag the experience with praise but simply describe their actions.

Steps to Take Try to assess what is causing the excessive energy and the cant sit still syndrome. Next, be the adult in charge of the situation and accommodate each child. This doesnt mean let the child run rampant, but it may mean these active kids dont always have to sit down and be quiet. It may mean they need a piece of paper to doodle on when you read the story. Or they may want to color the first page of the weeks lesson in their workbook while they watch the video. It may mean they stand while working on their workbook or lie on the floor when writing on their journal page. It may mean you have to adapt and adapt! Its okay to ask the child what is best for him or her. Example: Sally, I noticed you have a hard time sitting down at the table to work in your workbook. What would be better for you than sitting down? For some children you may have to put your hand up like a stop sign and say in an assertive voice, STOP! Running from one table to the next is not safe [or helpful, or appropriate]. An assertive voice has self-confidence and assurance to the quality. It is not a harsh voice but is firm. Ask the child what he or she could do that would be safe (helpful or appropriate). Other children may need for you to tell them what needs to happen. A conversation might go something like this, Johnny, I have noticed you cant seem to make a decision about what you want to do. When you run from area to area (or you dont listen), your body is telling me you need my help. I am going to give you two choices. Now, do you want to go to the SelfServe Snack or the art project? You will need to stay in this area for the next five minutes. Then add, Do you need for me to help you after five minutes, or will you be able to handle things yourself? Be matter of fact with an attitude that this is the way things are going to be. Be careful how you approach these children. Some adults think because a childs family life is disruptive, the child needs their pity. Children dont need your pity. They need your empathy.

They need boundaries. They need structure within the confines of a loving environment. They need for you to be an adult they can depend upon and trust. They need for you to give them dignity. Kids deserve their dignity, and too many adults in their lives have taken their dignity away. They need to be able to count on you, the adult, to be in charge, to be the leader, to be in control at DC4K, not controlling but in control. Maya Angelou once said, People wont remember what you said. People wont remember what you did. People will remember how you made them feel. This quote can be adopted for our children in DC4K. Children wont remember what you said. Children wont remember what you did. Children will remember how you made them feel.

MMVI by the author and/or Church Initiative. All rights reserved. Reproducible only when used with a Church Initiative ministry program. Linda Ranson Jacobs is the DC4K creator and developer. For more information, email info@dc4k.org. To discover more about DivorceCare for Kids or to find a DC4K group near you, go to www.dc4k.org.