What We’ve Learned

About Recovery
From Codependency:
A collection of notes from our
support group and sermons
at Overcomers Outreach Center

Seventh Printing Mar 7 2007

Contents

Page
What is codependency?................3
Terminology............................3
The Steps.......................................6
Parenting.................................9
Emotions......................................11
Fear........................................13
Self................................................14
The Past.................................17
Resentment...……………….......17
Choices……………………...18
Pride………………………….....19
Weaknesses…………………20
Respect……………………….....20
Control………………………21
Needs…………………………....22
Forgiveness………………….23
Pain………………………………23
Reality………………………..25
 Adversity………………………...26
Contentment…………………27
Faith……………………………...28
Marriage……………………..29
Friendship……………………….30
Love (agape`)………………...31
Prayer……………………………33
Knowledge/Wisdom…………34
Honesty…………………………..34
Goals………………………….36

Codependency:

Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their

problems. It occurs when our own needs for love and security are not met.

The alcoholic/addict is dependent on alcohol/drugs. Family members are

affected too, so therapists began to identify them as codependent.

We can be addicted to relationships in the same way alcoholics/addicts use

alcohol/drugs to get a „fix‟ or „high‟. We feel we have no meaning or self-
worth in and of ourselves, and are of worth while only in relation to someone
else because we have a desperate need to be loved.

Also, codependents are anyone affected by a relationship with a person who

is dependent, abusive, absent, or physically or mentally impaired.

Terms:

Addictive refers to behaviors that are out of control and causing negative
consequences in our lives, but we persist in them anyway. Addictive
behaviors usually are engaged in to get high or numb (to kill the emotional
pain). We can be addicted to a substance, such as alcohol or drugs, or to a
behavior, such as sex or gambling. As a codependent, our addiction to
control and rescue is just as severe as the addict.

The purpose of amends is to take responsibility for our own behavior (admit
our wrongdoing), clean up any messes we‟ve made (reconcile) so we can
experience the peace, harmony, and relief from guilt that making amends
brings about.

Awareness is facing reality by admitting our powerlessness. We stop

attempting to live by our own will and admit that our life isn‟t working with
us in control. Through awareness, we surrender to God‟s will and face our
own pain or life will go on as we know it with no hope for recovery.
Boundaries are invisible „fences‟ God gives us to protect us from allowing
others to abuse us and to keep us from invading their space to abuse them.

Caretaking means taking responsibility for others and not ourselves.

Codependent caretaking makes us feel used, victimized, unappreciated, and
unsuccessful in our efforts.

Character defects are our own sin nature, any behavior that would be
displeasing in God‟s eyes.

Controlling is when we are trying to force things to happen, trying to make

people do what we want them to do, and trying to make life happen the way
we think it should.

Denial refers to our ability to ignore what is happening, even when it is right
before our eyes. We do this to protect ourselves until we are ready to face
the truth.

Detachment means we stop trying to make someone or something different.

It means we let go of others; we release them with love. We must surrender
to doing nothing, which is usually more difficult for us than doing something.
After we detach, we focus on taking responsibility for ourselves.

Dysfunctional refers to relationships that are built on the foundation of

dishonesty. We don‟t feel (emotions), talk (share), or touch (positive),
because of the fear of being found out and rejected (exposed for who we are).
Through wrong parenting skills, we learn at a young age how to cope with
the family “problem” by taking on certain roles in an effort to maintain a
state of denial. This dysfunction remains with us in all other relationships
outside the family.

Emotional dishonesty is not being truthful with our feelings; a self betrayal
through humiliation, judgment, and rejection which keeps us from healing
emotional wounds and experiencing the inner peace of self-acceptance.

Emotional honesty is listening to the meaning of each hurt feeling and

accepting what we feel rather than judging feelings, blaming others, or
shaming ourselves (taking responsibility for what we feel). By naming and
acknowledging emotional wounds, they do not grow and manifest themselves
into shame, fear, hate, anger, and resentment.

Family of origin is a study of our personal history in order to identify the

harmful patterns that are controlling our lives.
Guilt is the feeling of self-reproach we experience when we blame ourselves
for things that happened (even when they‟re beyond our control) or
feelings we experienced. Amends and forgiveness of self and others is the
remedy for guilt.

Insanity is unreasonable or self-defeating thinking; it is used to describe the

unmanageability in our lives. It is not used to describe a psychotic condition;
we use the term to describe our own „craziness‟ and obsessive thinking.

Inventory is taking stock of our own issues, not someone else‟s. Taking our
inventory should be a daily process in maintaining our recovery.

Issues are points of debate or controversy which should be resolved. In

recovery, we let other people take responsibility for what‟s theirs and we
claim our own.

Manipulation means that we try to get what we want indirectly or in a

dishonest fashion. We try to seduce, control, trick, or trap people into doing
what we want them to do because we are afraid to ask and be direct or hear
the word „no.‟

Nurturing is any treatment of ourselves that makes us feel comforted, helps

us play, or is pleasurable (hugging, positive touch, playing, taking a hot bath,
massage).

Obsessing is what happens when our mental energies become compulsively

tied into nonproductive thought patterns, usually about another person or a
situation.

Pain is emotional pain, like anger, guilt, and hurt. Some of us are so used to
being in emotional pain, we think it‟s normal. It‟s not.

Passive-aggressive means we‟re having difficulty saying no (people-pleaser) to

authority figures but seemingly complying (dishonesty and deception) with
their requests. We will procrastinate or ignore tasks (denial) but when
questioned, we will not take responsibility (accountability) and will make
excuses or blame others (victim mentality).

Recovery is the results from working the Twelve Steps: acceptance, peace,
contentment, joy, hope, taking responsibility for ourselves, trusting God,
humbleness, humility, honesty, gratitude, understanding, compassion for
one‟s self (and others)

Rescuing is taking a responsibility that belongs to someone else. In our eyes

we see it as helping but in reality it‟s enabling someone not to experience the
consequences of their own behavior.
Resentment is an angry emotion that we haven‟t dealt with, resolved, or let go
of. It is the number one offender and often the major cause of spiritual
disease. The remedy for resentment is fully feeling our anger and releasing
our anger through forgiveness and amends.

Shame is a dark feeling of unworthiness and guilt. Like pain, most of us have
so much of it that we think it‟s normal. In recovery, we substitute self-love
and acceptance for shame.

Sharing is speaking without reserve our inner most feelings, doubts, and
fears. In sharing, we must discern with whom we share (are they
trustworthy, understanding, sincere, and safe?)

A sponsor is one that has worked the Twelve Steps (and continues to work the
steps) and is willing to share his/her experience, strength, and hope with one
who desires a new life in recovery from codependency by working the Twelve
Steps.

Stuffing is denying our feelings, putting them in a place where they can‟t be
seen or experienced.

Surrender means to accept, give in, give up, and let our lives happen. It‟s a
spiritual concept that requires a commitment of faith.

The Steps:

The Twelve Steps are tools of revelation in the hands of God.

Our hope is in the Lord and the Twelve Steps, not in other people or
ourselves.

All we have to do is be honest and humble for God to use the Twelve Steps
rather than rely upon our own strengths; it‟s not about performance.

The Twelve Steps are not about doing (performing); they are about being
(relational).

Step One: we admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation
from God, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step One is an opportunity to face reality and admit that our life isn‟t
working with us in control. We embrace our powerlessness and we stop
pretending.
Step Two: came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore
us to sanity.

Step Two is about faith, trust, and believing.

Step Three: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of
God as we understood Him.

Step Three is the central theme of all the steps. It is the point at which we
make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.

The key elements in Step Three are making decisions with a clear and
rational mind, being committed to that decision, and finally, trusting the
outcome to God.

Steps One through Three: getting right with God

Step Four: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Taking a personal inventory, Step Four, is similar to cleaning a closet. We

take stock of what we have, examine what we want to save, and discard what
is no longer useful or appropriate.

Step Four makes a searching and fearless moral inventory possible in

removing the notion of judgment-that is, the potential for blame and shame.

Step Five: admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the
exact nature of our wrongs.

Step Five requires that we engage in honest confrontations with ourselves

and others by admitting our faults to God, to ourselves, and to another
person.

Step Six: were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of
character.

Step Six is not an action step that we actually take. It is a state of preparation
that enables us to become ready to release our faults to God (entirely ready
does not mean perfection).

Step Seven: humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Humility is a recurring theme in the Twelve-Step program and the central

idea of Step Seven. It requires surrendering our will to God so that we may
receive the serenity to achieve the contentment we seek.
Steps Four through Seven: getting right with ourselves

Step Eight: made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to
make amends to them all.

In Step Eight, we examine each past misdeed and identify the persons
involved. Our intention is to make amends and heal our past so that God can
transform the present.

Step Nine: made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except
when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Nine is accepting responsibility for the harm done can be a humbling
experience because it forces us to admit the effect we have had on others.

We want the self-esteem, peace, harmony, and relief from guilt that making
amends brings about from working Step Nine.

Steps Eight and Nine: getting right with others

Step Ten: continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong,
promptly admitted it.

Step Ten is a routine summary of Steps Four through Nine. The new element
in Step Ten is the periodic inventory. We need to set aside regular times for
personal inventory.

In Step Ten we thank God for the progress we have made rather than living
under the illusion and unrealistic standard of perfection; progress, not
perfection.

Step Eleven: sought through prayer and meditation to improve our

conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for
knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

In Step Eleven, we draw nearer to God in prayer and meditation; we draw

closer to our source of power, serenity, guidance, and healing.

Step Twelve: having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps,
we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all
our affairs.

We carry the message sharing our experience, strength, and hope through
Step Twelve.
When we stop carrying the message of recovery to others, Step Twelve, we set
ourselves up for relapse (going back to our old ways).

The best gift we can give someone is our own recovery.

If we haven‟t experienced recovery, we have nothing to give away.

The only way we can maintain and keep what God has given us is to
continually give it away.

We carry the message in subtle, but powerful ways: by doing our own
recovery work and becoming a living demonstration of hope, self-love, self-
nurturing, and health.

Steps Ten through Twelve: maintaining our recovery

Sharing our experience is a better work within us than the one we‟re sharing

with.

Others come to believe through our example of how we have been healed and
helped. The Twelve Step program is a never-ending chain of healing for both.

Recovery is an ongoing process and a journey rather than a destination or a

completion of the Twelve Step program.

We can become dependent on the „recovery process‟ by simply transferring

our codependency from something that is unacceptable (addictions) to
something that is more acceptable (recovery).

Recovery is never finished. It‟s learning a new way of life rather than getting
rid of the symptoms temporarily. The symptoms will come back if we resist
the maintenance work needed to stay in recovery.

We know we‟re in recovery when our priorities have changed.

We have to accept that recovery is a way of life for the rest of our lives.

In recovery we learn to shift from an external focus (on other people,

relationships, work, food, or power) to an internal focus (on our own feelings,
needs, goals, desires).

There is no external solution to our internal problem.

Parenting:
The purpose of a support group is to reverse all the emotional wrongs we
learned from our parents.

Wrong parenting skills are passed from generation to generation until the
cycle is broken through recovery.

The way we have been parented is the way we parent.

If we hate our parents for what they did, we‟re not being emotionally honest.

We learned our ways of coping during childhood from our parents.

Punishment is done out of anger so the parent may feel better (getting even).
Discipline is done out of love, to correct and demonstrate what his/her
behavior should be like.

Parents, don‟t provoke your children to anger.

The primary source of our ideals is our parents.

Negative corrective parenting: controlling, condemning, critical, judgmental

(non-relational using the law)

Positive corrective parenting: encouraging, accepting, forgiving, respectful,

patient (relational through grace)

Without boundaries the child feels unloved.

As parents, we don‟t have to raise our voice as long as we follow through.

If we want our children to listen to us in their teen years, we must start

setting an example when they are very young.

The home is the most influential environment for a child.

What we model to ourselves, we model to our children.

We are representatives (who we are and what we believe) to our children.

Our chemical dependency is unhealthy for our children; our codependency is

unhealthy for our children.

We stuff our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability
to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too much-our feelings are
frozen.
We relive our childhood until we face those same fears we experienced as a
child.

We will face ourselves through our children.

Adults are youths with unresolved issues.

An overpowering need for intimacy, nurturing, and consolation can stem

from a childhood of neglect and abuse.

We continue to experience the „heartache of absence‟ which is the result of

unfulfilled nurturing and love in childhood.

Because we were never able to change our parent(s) into the warm loving
caretaker(s) we longed for, we respond deeply to the familiar type of
emotionally unavailable person whom we can again try and change through
love.

We speak of educating our children. Do we know that our children educate

us?

What children want more than anything from parents is their time.

The family is more important than the church.

No one else can raise our children or share our responsibility in being their
parent.

More is 'caught' than 'taught': our children learn more from behavior of
their parents/peers/media rather than from formal instruction by the
parent/teacher/church.

We will project on God how our parents treated us.

Our perception of our parents is how we see God.

The distorted images that parents place in our hearts and minds carry
directly over to our image of God. We grow up feeling that God sees us as
our parents did.

Gifts that we give our children when we‟re in recovery: encouragement,

patience, acceptance, forgiveness, respect, honesty, humility, responsibility

Emotions:
We need to understand (interpret) our emotions: our gifts, love language,
personality, and birth order

God didn‟t give us emotions by mistake. He gave us emotions so we would

know who we are.

Emotions tell us where we are, not what to do.

Emotions are sensors that bring us to reality.

Emotions are an important part of reality.

Listening to our emotions is a way of nurturing.

We who are idealist do not acknowledge and interpret our emotions.

Independent man has few emotional needs; it‟s always serious business as
usual.

Deal with controllers on an emotional level.

As a way of controlling our emotions, we use intellect (obsessive reasoning

and thinking).

Intellectuals deny their emotions.

When we try to control our emotions, our emotions have control over us.

The more we acknowledge our emotions, the less power they have over us.

Emotional dishonesty prevents us from growing spiritually.

We meet God only through emotional honesty.

The truth of God pierces our heart only when we have emotional honesty.

It took us a long time (we‟re still learning this lesson) to realize that our
emotions are often how God speaks to us and tries to get our attention about
a lesson we need to learn.

Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold onto a relationship in

order not to feel abandonment feelings which we received from living with
people who were never there emotionally for us.

We become so preoccupied in fulfilling the expectations of others that we lose

touch with our own feelings.
We are emotionally addicted to a person and also to emotional pain.

We are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful relationships too long.

When someone close to us is silent or emotionally absent, we panic and fear

the worst.

We guard against too much emotion, fearing that any display of joy might
bring some catastrophe.

Happiness cannot be bought, sold, bartered, or borrowed. It is not a

commodity. It is an emotion from a personal decision.

If we‟re not honest with our emotions, we „act them out.‟

We usually respond only to external cues, not to internal feelings or

perceptions.

Expressing our emotions through journaling is an act of embracing them;

they become tangible for the first time.

Grief is accepting the reality of our emotions, seeing both the good and the
bad.

We use emotions to medicate in an attempt to kill the pain which kills the joy
of our real emotions.

We would rather be emotionally alive and hurting than be emotionally dead,

empty, lonely, and addicted.

If we can‟t feel it (emotions), God can‟t heal it.

When we deny our emotions, we‟re not inviting God into our lives.

There is such an emotion called righteous anger.

Anger is a way for us to take our own inventory and discern what God is
trying to show us what we need to do to experience recovery in our lives.

We do not look upon emotions as insanity, but rather as healthy expressions

of healthy living.

Some experts now say that unfelt feelings (emotions) cause disease, physical
illness, and sometimes death. And if we aren‟t feeling, we‟re not fully alive.
 Fear:

The opposite of fear is letting go which is faith.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

When we embrace God we let go of fear.

We‟ve learned that letting go is the key.

The opposite of fear is love.

Perfect love (agape`) casts out all fear.

The greatest fear is being found out and exposed, being seen as a failure in
others‟ eyes.

The fear of failure will prevent us from fulfilling our God-given goals.

Fear is an emotion we most strongly feel when we begin to look at ourselves.

Procrastination and indecisiveness (paralysis through analysis) come from

the root of perfectionism.

Because of fear in facing our responsibilities, we procrastinate: We have

stacks of unopened mail that are in need of our attention.

Fear prevents us from taking risks (vulnerability).

The fear of being vulnerable is why we can‟t be intimate.

Healthy relationships are built on trust not fear.

Fear robs us of peace, joy, and contentment. It dominates our lives. We‟ve
known it from the beginning as a way of survival.

We trusted fear as a friend but it‟s an enemy.

A codependent lifestyle is a miserable, fearful life.

Fear is the foundation of codependency.

We can come to these steps with our prejudices, needs, desires, and fears,
and still find recovery.
We‟ve noticed that the closer we come to being healed of a certain defect or
issue, the more difficult it becomes to live with ourselves and that issue. We
fear of ever changing, of ever being any different. We are content with the
familiar as painful as it is.

When fear is present, it is difficult to see situations in their true perspective.

Fear keeps us in the past or the future instead of living for today.

Fear is at the root of our need to be in control.

Controlling is a way of acting out our fear.

We use fear and intimidation to rule and control.

We‟re not delivered until we‟ve been delivered from the fear of man.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Self:

We identify with shame; we‟re our own worst critic.

As perfectionist, we criticize ourselves therefore we‟re not comfortable in

receiving criticism from others. However, if we‟ve received criticism most of
our lives, we‟re not comfortable when the criticism stops.

Because we dislike ourselves, we sacrifice ourselves (give up our own desires)

for others with the anticipation of being liked (accepted). This is how we
value ourselves, through other people.

Finding fault is the product of fear, low self-worth, and anger.

When you compare yourself to other people, you‟re not using the proper
reference point which should be God.

God defines me, not me or someone else.

Low God-esteem (self confidence) is getting our values from anyone but God.

Self confidence is far from God. Little confidence is closer to God.

Our self esteem is critically low, and deep down inside we believe we must
earn the right to enjoy life.
We need to keep who we are, ourselves, our inherent personalities, traits,
qualities, and idiosyncrasies that make us special and unique.

Our ministry is not where we are but who we are.

God takes only those traits that restrict and prevent us from being ourselves.

What we do to ourselves, we do to others.

If we judge others, we judge ourselves.

Our self-perception is distorted by our self-judgments.

There is a difference between self-judgment and self-inventory.

Judgment is the opposite of acceptance.

We judge others by rules: are they right or wrong?

Self awareness and self understanding are the beginning of recovery.

The foundation of awareness is an attitude of acceptance.

If we don‟t accept ourselves, no one else will.

We use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

Accepting where we are is better than criticizing where we are.

With acceptance, we give understanding.

Resistance to accepting others is codependency.

When we can accept our own imperfections, we can accept someone else‟s.

Recovery is accepting God and yourself.

God will accept us where we are but He won‟t leave us there.

Perhaps the most healing gift of all is self-acceptance, an immediate, ever-

present acceptance of self, of all we are and have been and of all we have
been through. The more we can accept ourselves, the more we will naturally
evolve into who we are destined to become.

The purpose of inventory (recognizing our own issues) is to reverse our

shame into self-acceptance.
We need self-understanding.

Self-acceptance is self-understanding.

We must understand ourselves before we can understand others.

The more we understand ourselves, the more we understand others.

Recovery teaches self-responsibility.

If we don‟t know ourselves, it is impossible to know others.

The more we know (share) about each other, the more we know about God.

We are students of ourselves.

When we stop complaining so long and hard about the behavior of others, we
begin to see them as mirrors of who we are.

We become like the one we despise and hate.

We have more difficulty in relating to ourselves than anyone else.

Of all the relationships we are learning to rebuild in our recovery from

codependency, our relationships with ourselves and with God are the most
important ones. They are the foundation for all the other relationships we
will participate in.

Self confidence is self-centeredness; it separates us from God.

The need to be right is self-centeredness, non-relational, and arrogance.

The abundant life is a God-centered life.

The Past:

God wants to redeem all of our past and use it all for His glory.

We read and interpret scripture through the eyes of our past.

Some say that the past cannot be changed. Recovery can transform our pasts
into a necessary, acceptable part of our lives.
Reflection on the past can give us insight into our present struggles and
enduring weaknesses.

If we don‟t face our past, we will relive it.

We will never be free to experience recovery until we are free from the pain
of the past.

We have no regrets. Our past has not been filled with meaningless mistakes
and accidents. The path we chose (unknowingly) was to prepare us for
where we are and who we are today; otherwise we would have altered our
destiny away from awareness and ultimately recovery. We‟re in the best
place we can be.

Resentment:

Resentment inventory: reviving past pain for self-understanding, not guilt.

Resentments are unresolved issues in our own lives, not someone else‟s.

The „buttons‟ we know to push in someone else‟s life are unresolved issues in
our own lives.

Unresolved anger (resentment) tells something about us.

When our resentments are unresolved, we risk developing severe physical

and mental illnesses.

Our relationships reflect our unresolved issues (resentments) and fears.

Resentment is letting someone we dislike live „rent-free‟ in our mind.

Seeking approval from someone besides God lowers our self esteem and
causes resentment.

We become resentful when others will not let us help them.

We harbor anger and resentment toward others, but the silent rage we feel
toward ourselves is the most profound and the most difficult to let go.

We who resent criticism can give it away without hesitation.

Resentments and self pity are the „twin sisters‟ of addictions.

We have resentments because addictions don‟t work.

Unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

Our only expectations are in the Lord.

Good things happen to others, but not us. We seem to be cursed to a life of
doom and gloom.

Resentment is borne out of how we react in all circumstances.

Ungodly attitudes cause resentments: covetousness, envy, pride, impatience,

self-centeredness, lust, irresponsibility, perfectionism

Choices:

Recovery is about having choices.

Having the ability to make a right choice, whereas before recovery, our
addictions dictated wrong choices.

We are responsible for our own condition because of our own choices.

Our wrong choices always have consequences.

As long as we bail someone out, they will receive nothing from God because
we are not allowing them to take responsibility for the consequences of their
own choices.

We‟re powerless because we‟re not responsible for their choices.

God allowed Jesus to suffer the consequences of His choices; His choice to
suffer and die on the cross for our sins.

Pride:

Pride is our enemy.

Pride causes us to feel entitled or deserving. As codependents we always

desire the ideal.

We are proud of our lack of pride.

Unforgiveness is an act of pride.

Pride and dishonesty are the foundations for all addictions.

All codependents are performance driven.

We „Christianize‟ our idols (workaholism, perfectionism, and moralism)
through our own application of scripture.

The need to be right is arrogance; no one knows better than we do!

When someone criticizes us, it‟s not an attack against our character or
integrity, but a reaction to our behavior.

Work is a cruel „master.‟ We will sacrifice anyone or anything for our job
and career. We get our worth from what we do, not who we are.

We‟re proud of our busy schedules; staying busy is a way of avoiding one‟s
self.

Intelligence, wealth, and prestige are at the bottom of God‟s priorities for
being used to glorify Him.

The simple life is the best life; we did make a „living‟, now we want to make a
„killing.‟

Success is positively identifying with God, not through the world or even
God‟s people.

We have experienced failure through the world‟s standards; however, we‟re

still not satisfied when we do succeed.

All failures are not bad. Whatever drives us to God is good.

An ungodly person cannot be genuinely successful.

Weaknesses:

Admitting our weaknesses connects us with God.

Our ministry is experiencing God‟s power through our weaknesses.

Our ministry is whatever weaknesses we have.

God will build a God-honoring, successful ministry upon our weaknesses

rather than our strengths so that God is glorified rather than mankind.

God perfects His strengths through our weaknesses.

There is good in weaknesses. There is bad in strengths.

 Respect:

Self respect is being able to say „no.‟

Self respect is being honest.

If we do everything for them, they will respect us.

So much of our codependency involves difficulty seeing what‟s good about us

and our lives. Seeing what‟s wrong can come so easily.

We may disagree with each other but we both deserve respect (mutual).

Everyone is created in the image of God therefore there is good in everyone

even though we‟ve been marred by sin.

Everyone is due respect because all are valued by God, but that does not
mean we agree with what they do.

Everyone deserves to be heard and understood.

Respect means we listen because we care and we try to understand the other
person.

In dealing with difficult people, we must understand who they are rather
than what they are.

Modeling is better than preaching; suggestions are better than commands.

Control:

We didn‟t cause it; we can‟t cure it; we can‟t control it (another person‟s
addiction).

When we acknowledge we‟re not in control (unmanageability), we‟re at the

First Step.

Control stands out as a „number one‟ issue well into recovery.

Since you are the source of our happiness, we must control you. If we don‟t
control you, you may do something that will cost us our happiness, security
or self-worth.

The one we depend upon to me our needs is the one we give control of our
life.
The belief that we have control over other people is a powerful belief, a
destructive illusion that many of us learned in childhood.

We are powerless over our codependency just as the chemically dependent is

powerless over his/her addictions.

Much of the difficulty we‟ve had in our lives is because of the draining of our
energy trying to do God‟s work.

The need to play by the rules is the need to be in control.

Jesus was not a controller; He was under the control of the Father.

When we walk in faith we allow Christ to control our lives.

When we stop controlling others, we can allow and trust them to live their
lives making their own choices and taking responsibility.

We understand that we cannot control others, so we stop trying. But we also

realize that we no longer have to allow them to control us.

We use shame and guilt as a means of control: „After all I‟ve done for you; I
can‟t believe you would do this…‟ „If you had only listened to me…‟ „If I
don‟t do it, it won‟t get done…‟

We are not taking care of ourselves because we‟re focused on someone else.

Obsessiveness turned upside down becomes determination.

The big issues in our codependent inventory are manipulation and control.

Continuing to take personal inventory is a tool that allows us to continue to

be aware of ourselves instead of focusing on others.

Needs:

People are angry and resentful toward us because we can‟t meet their needs.

We believe we are somehow responsible for the thoughts, actions, and needs
of other people.

We are not responsible for others (to control, manipulate, fix). We are
responsible to others (to listen, respect, care for, accept, and understand).

Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive
if it will meet the needs of the person we are involved with.
We believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

To meet our needs, we perform to be recognized, thus loosing our own

identity.

We feel that we have no identity of our own without someone else in our life.

When we have a need of someone else‟s approval, we always question

ourselves.

Our need and our greed to have someone else meet our needs blinds us to
reality.

Who we look to (to meet our needs) is the one we give control of our life.

God supplies all our needs not wants.

No one but God can love us as much as we need to be loved.

God‟s will is not our want.

We accept sex when we want love.

We use addictions to meet our needs apart from God.

Our desire should be a relationship with the Lord to meet our needs, not in a
person or material things.

Our needs are met through the redemption of Jesus Christ.

Forgiveness:

Forgiveness sets us free, not continuing to keep ourselves entangled in a

resentful relationship.

We are usually the person we have harmed the most. We should be the first
person willing to make amends to.

Forgiveness is more than a decision, it‟s a process.

Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.

Forgiveness doe not mean we forget; however, we‟re not to use remembrance
to harbor resentment.
Forgiving someone is not accepting what they did was right but it does
release resentment toward the one who did wrong.

Forgiveness forfeits the right to „get even‟ no matter what the other person
has done.

We have forgiven if: we no longer have resentment toward the other person
and we now feel concern for that person.

We have not forgiven if: we have refused to extend to others what God has
already extended to us.

Our healing depends upon our forgiveness.

Making amends (forgiving) gives us God-esteem.

Pain:

We live in a fallen world. There will always be pain; there will always be
persecution, injustice, and unfairness because we walk with Jesus. We learn
grace through a fallen world.

There is no pain-free world; we can suffer pain with God or without God.

Pain is a gift from God to let us know something is wrong in our lives.

Pain is a gift form God which no one likes; it‟s the only way we grow.

Pain is God‟s „megaphone.‟

If we believe we‟re in the will of God, we will suffer no pain.

Focusing on others will neither solve our problems nor bring relief from the
pain.

Hurting people hurt people.

Accept the pain; acknowledge the pain; there is healing from pain.

We want to live in a „comfort zone‟ which does not allow God to grow us; we
grow through pain and nothing else.

Even in the midst of deep pain, there is always an undercurrent of hope.

There are situations that we may never fully understand taking comfort only
in the fact that we are not alone in our pain because of Jesus.

In the midst of our pain and confusion, all we can do is submit to the
mystery, knowing that He who gives and takes away is infinitely wiser and
more loving than we could ever wonder.

Submission to God is the only way we can be healed from our wounds.

Recovery is to acknowledge before God the pain in our life, and then choose
Him, not trying to deny our pain, but instead welcoming Him into the reality
of the situation.

The “fellowship of Jesus‟ suffering” is inviting God into our lives to change
us and to allow us to love Him more and more through our pain.

God‟s grace turned suffering into glory.

We wanted joy but God knew for us that sorrow was the gift we needed most.

The pain we are finally facing has been with us for a long time. It was so
deep that we hadn‟t recognized it as pain or negative messages. Denial had
been a tool for coping and survival.

We isolate, insolate, and medicate to avoid pain.

Addictions are a way of managing our pain.

Our „pain-killers‟ (addictions) become „pain-producers‟ (suffering).

Not facing our pain, not facing our fears, is often the great motivator to the
behavior we call codependency.

Looking within is the key to releasing our pain, producing recovery and
health in our lives.

Three things God uses for us to change: His word, Godly examples, and
pain

God uses pain to mold and change us.

We stand on the unshakable hope of all that is to come, for our present
suffering, as real and awful it may be, will be nothing in comparison with the
glory that will be revealed in us.

Reality:
We don‟t live in an ideal world; we have to accept reality.

God is not an idealist. He‟s a realist.

Idealism blinds reality.

Honesty and humility are our goals instead of seeking idealism.

Idealist and moralist obey out of fear instead of respect and honor for our
Lord.

Idealism, perfectionism, and moralism are the major hindrances in recovery

from codependency.

Idealist are the most difficult to reach because they are not receptive of any
suggestions.

We should change our ideals to match spiritual truth.

We harm ourselves by our ideals.

All or nothing attitude eliminates God working in our lives.

In recovery, there is a principle of balance between „good‟ and „bad‟ by

seeing the „gray‟ and not only „black‟ and „white.‟

Life is always a crisis. We wonder what it would be like to live a „normal‟

life.

If we do everything right, everything will turn out right.

Religious addiction is the most difficult to overcome because one believes

they have all the answers through their religion.

Some people come to this program, the Twelve Steps, because a religious
addiction had the same destructive impact on them as a dysfunctional family
system.

The purpose of the church is to worship and glorify God, evangelize the
unsaved and to disciple the saints. The purpose of the church is not to peddle
programs, entertain the saints, glorify man, pamper the flesh, and
Christianize our sicknesses.

Accepting reality reveals alternatives (solutions) to our problems.

We must identify obstacles before we can attempt to overcome them.

Relocating will not change who we are; wherever we go, there we are with
our same addictions.

In a relationship, we are much more in touch with our dream of how it could
be rather than with the reality of the situation.

After spending a lifetime denying reality, we finally began to see, admit, and
accept the truth: we had lived around dysfunctional people so long we had
become one of them.

We have met the enemy and enemy is us; we’re our own worse enemy.

We dismiss our impressions of situations unless these impressions have been

externally validated by someone else, even if we have very clear perceptions
and ideas; another person‟s perception is trusted instead of our own.

Nothing is more valuable than this day. Yesterday is forever gone and
tomorrow is yet on the horizon. Nothing is more important than how we live
this day.

Adversity:

How we react to adversity reveals our level of recovery from codependence.

We are usually reactive in difficult circumstances rather than proactive.

Only God can change the way we react and respond to adversity.

God is the „creator‟ not the „reactor.‟

Accepting hardships is the pathway to peace.

Adversity is „God‟s University.‟

God allows adversity in our lives for the betterment of our lives.

Nothing will be taken from us that we need, and whatever is taken from us
will be replaced by something better.

The Lord will take away the „temporal‟ so we can see the „eternal.‟

In the dark times is when we learn the most. We‟re looking at our life from
our perspective instead of God‟s perspective. We only have „tunnel vision‟
(we only see today); God‟s vision is „panoramic‟; He sees yesterday, today,
and tomorrow.

God does His greatest work in the darkness of night.

Before we react to adversity, we should H.A.L.T.: Are we Hungry, Angry,

Lonely, or Tired? (Check our Stress level, too).

The story of the Prodigal Son gives hope to the worst sinner in the most
helpless situation.

Never make a major decision during a crisis.

Contentment:

Being content with Godliness is great gain.

It is right to be content with what we have but never with where we are in

recovery.

We learn contentment in difficult circumstances.

Recovery teaches us to be content in any circumstances.

No circumstance can overcome the goodness of God.

Our own unbelief is harder to overcome than the circumstances around us.

As long as we see God in it, there is good in it, even in the worse

circumstances.

A „gratitude list‟ is everything we‟re grateful for: food, clothing, health,

shelter, family, friends, and Jesus. We seem to forget these when we are
complaining about the things we don‟t have.

We should repeat our „gratitude list‟ three times daily regardless of our
circumstances.

Gratitude is a „heart‟ attitude that we must discipline ourselves in, for we‟re
so quick to neglect it.

Gratitude is the opposite of perfectionism.

When we feel deprived, unloved, uncared for, abandoned, and left out of life,
we can practice gratitude.

Gratitude empowers and increases what‟s right in our lives. It helps make
things right.

The discipline of gratitude involves a constant stream of decisions to

recognize and respond to the many kindnesses that have been poured out on
us.

Next to the Steps and detachment, gratitude is probably the most helpful
recovery tool available.

The best things in life are not things; they‟re relationships.

We don‟t own things; they own us.

Faith:

Faith is borne out of brokenness, honesty, humility, and necessity, not

intellect.

God only works through faith and obedience.

Impatience is a most expensive price to pay when we can‟t wait upon the

Lord.

Signs that we are letting go: acceptance, peace, contentment, joy,

responsibility for ourselves, trusting God, humility, and honesty

Signs that we are not letting go: rationalizing, controlling, defensiveness,

manipulating, arguing, and attacking

Our focus should be on God and His ability to do, not just faith alone.

We know we‟re surrendered when we‟re focused on the Lord and not

ourselves.

The heart of worship is surrender.

We are secure only in God and nothing else.

Becoming dependent upon anyone but God is enslavement.

When we depend upon one who is sick, we become as sick as they are.

Tradition, legalism, and rituals require no faith.

Formality without substance is no worship at all.

Through recovery we learn to change our behavior, but essentially, we „are

changed‟ through faith; it is a spiritual process.

Faith in the Lord Jesus releases all the power we need.

Faith in the Lord Jesus renders us powerless (in our own strength). Fear,
guilt, and shame did not burden the early Christians because they believed.

The power of God renders Satan powerless.

Spiritual power comes from Jesus. It‟s something we believe, not do.

Marriage:

Dating: pretending to be someone we‟re not in order to attract another.

Relating: getting to know someone through honesty and humility.

The purpose of marriage is to reflect the image and glory of God.

The best marriage is centered on Jesus Christ.

All „human‟ love is bankrupt. The only true love is Jesus Christ.

„Oneness‟ (having the same goals and beliefs) is the basis of marriage.

Besides our relationship with God, the husband and wife relationship is the
next most important relationship.

Spirituality, emotion, and intellectuality should be integral parts of a

marriage relationship.

Everyone needs a „soul mate‟; strength lies in the number „two.‟

We should desire a woman (or man) who loves God more than she (or he)

loves us.

Do we look for Christ in a woman (or man) before we look at her (or him)
physically?
Sex is beautiful in God‟s eyes. God is more excited about sex than we are.

Sex is meaningless outside of marriage, even damaging.

It‟s impossible to love someone and be sexually immoral.

Friendship:

In the Christian life, there are no „Lone Rangers.‟ Everyone needs a network
of „spiritual friends.‟

Learn to open up regularly to people. One of our protective devices has been
to hide. That has robbed us of the joy of intimacy in relationships.

Whatever it is we don‟t want to discuss is what we need to talk about to be

healed; whatever we‟re afraid and ashamed to share is probably what we
need to share with someone.

The most helpful person will be someone trained, someone nurturing,

someone who can assist us in getting to the heart of the matter, someone who
will lead us into forgiveness, compassion for self, and self-acceptance.

A trusted confidant is one in whom we are mutually drawn to as a

companion who has not depended upon performance and whose influence
draws us closer to God.

Having someone safe to hear our confessions promotes spiritual growth (for
both of us).

It‟s also helpful to find someone who can see the good and worthwhile in us,
especially if we‟re not yet able to do those ourselves.

Pastors are usually not good counselors because they are trained to preach
(speak) instead of listening.

How we relate to ourselves, how we correct ourselves, and what we tell

ourselves will determine how we relate to, how we correct, and what we tell
those who are closest to us.

When we don‟t reveal who we are, our relationships become superficial and
our real self will ultimately emerge anyway. By the time it does, we feel
resentful, angry, and needy.

We have to be „needed‟ in order to have a relationship with others.

We‟re lonely with ourselves because we‟re not having a relationship with
ourselves.

If we want to be vulnerable to another person and experience love and

closeness, we have to accept and love ourselves.

Our circle of friends diminishes as we continue in a codependent

relationship.

Isolating from others is a cause of loneliness.

Honesty and humility help remove loneliness.

Loneliness is an intimacy disorder.

Until we‟re entirely ready to accept who we are, what we feel, what we want,
and what we‟re telling ourselves, we cannot achieve intimacy.

Our addictions cause our intimacy disorders.

In practicing our addictions, we see our enemies as our friends and our
friends as our enemies.

To experience a one on one relationship, we are not attracted to a person who

is kind, stable, reliable, and interested in us. We find such nice people
boring.

A right heart before God is the foundation for friendship.

Accountability to one another strengthens one another.

No one is to be blamed, but everyone is to be held personally responsible.

A true friend loves at all times.

How much does your friend love God?

Love (agape`):

When we believe God loves us, we trust Him more because God knows
what‟s best for us.

We are not burdening God by bringing ourselves to God. That‟s what God
wants because He cares that much.

The one (God) who knows us the best loves us the most.
God‟s love gives us value through the redemption of the blood of Jesus

Christ.

God‟s love is redemptive, not punitive.

God loves us when we don‟t love ourselves.

We have so many walls around our heart that we can not tolerate receiving

love.

We need to love ourselves through God‟s love, not the love of one‟s self.

People who love themselves don‟t stop growing and changing. People who
love and accept themselves are the people who become enabled to change.
Recovery is the continuing process of self-love and acceptance.

Our primary task is acceptance and self-love. From that place, all good
things will happen and come to us.

How we love ourselves is how we love others.

The greatest thing we can do for our neighbor is love ourselves by which we
can share our experience instead of telling them what to do.

Self-righteous people can‟t love their neighbor.

Our fellowship should be with broken (hurting) people rather than self-
righteous (religious) people.

We confuse love with pity and tend to „love‟ people we can pity and rescue.

Lust, not love, always wants more, and more will never be enough.

Some of the endless „caretaking‟ and „care giving‟ we have given away to the
world can be turned toward us, but not until we truly learn to love and take
care of ourselves.

There is a frightened, vulnerable child within each of us but there is also

within a powerful healer, protector, and nurturer who can love and heal that
same child.

Codependency is selfless love which creates a needy person.

The only way we can detach is with love.

When love is experienced, it reproduces itself.

Love produces trust; trust produces obedience.

When we experience God‟s love, we become more like Him.

We know God‟s love when He reveals Himself to us.

When God gave us Jesus, God gave Himself (grace).

Through God‟s love and revelation we learn to change but when we first
come to Him, He loves us as we are.

Through God‟s love, we are experiencing unconditional love. We feel it from

others. We feel it for others.

Through God‟s love, we‟ve learned to love someone we dislike.

Prayer:

To improve our prayer life, we must improve our relationship with God.

Fervent prayer feeds, strengthens, and increases our faith.

The deepest wishes of the heart find expression in secret prayer.

God always answers prayer. It‟s just that sometimes we don‟t like the

answer.

Journaling not only records our prayers but also our answered prayers.

Pray for the other person in a way we would pray for ourselves.

Fasting enhances our prayer.

We all know how to meditate: we either meditate on our problems or

attempt to solve them on our own or we meditate on the goodness of God,
surrendering all to Him through His saving grace and redemption.

If we know how to worry, we know how to meditate.

Through prayer and meditation, we learn about God and His ways.

Through meditation we internalize and personalize God‟s word.

Meditating on God is the beginning of change.

Meditating on God is the only way to bring peace and quiet to the soul.

Knowledge/Wisdom:

The two most important things in our lives: getting to know God on a deeper
level and loving ourselves in a way that God loves us.

The greatest commandment is knowing God; the second greatest is sharing

that knowledge.

Intelligence is knowing the facts. Wisdom is knowing God.

Waiting upon the Lord increases our knowledge of our understanding who
God is.

Knowledge lessens fear.

Where there is lack of knowledge, there is fear.

The money we lose in loaning is an investment in our knowledge of

codependency.

Knowing God and how He relates to everyday living is more valuable than
human knowledge, temporary wealth, and the applause of men, fame, and
political or ecclesiastical power.

Knowing God is success.

Repetition is the „mother‟ of all learning.

Wisdom is knowing how to build healthy boundaries and knowing when to

tear them down.

Reading God‟s word is more than education; it‟s how God can change us
through the revelation of His word.

Honesty:

Truth is God; God is truth.

Honesty is the beginning of recovery.

It‟s safe to admit (confess) your sins before God; He already knows them.

Confession frees a guilty heart.

Honesty is accepting reality.

There is no such thing as „brutal honesty.‟ It‟s just another phrase for

honesty.

The truth hurts because we make a choice to be hurt.

Honesty in facing ourselves and taking responsibility for ourselves is where

our true power lies.

Honesty forces us to face ourselves, to re-examine our lives, and to question

ideals that we assumed were right.

The last place we look for our failures is within our own self.

We try to solve other people‟s problems or expect others to be responsible for

us. This enables us to avoid looking closely at our own behavior.

Another revelation through recovery is the awareness that comes from being
honest with people, no matter how afraid we are, then saying we‟re sorry
when that‟s appropriate.

Conflict is an opportunity to resolve through honesty.

Although we disagree with someone, we can‟t say what we‟re really thinking.

My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.

We say what we think the other person wants to hear.

What we say doesn‟t mean what it means to us. It means what it means to
you.

I‟m not who you think I am. I‟m not who I think I am. I am who I think you
think I am.

If we tell you who we are, you may not like us and that‟s all we have to cling
to, a life of dishonesty.
If we can get along with everyone, we‟re not being honest.

To stay healthy, we need to talk to others and show that side of ourselves that
we‟d rather not show people: the part that‟s weak, feels frightened, angry,
and not having it „all together.‟

We‟ve learned slowly to open up to others. We‟re learning that our real
strength lies in vulnerability.

Confession, honesty, and vulnerability are good for healing us and our souls.

When we acknowledge our disabilities, God will reveal His abilities.

The key to healthy relationships is openness, honesty, and humility; not

pretense, people-pleasing, controlling, and codependency.

People-pleasers have a hard time saying „no.‟

„No‟ is not part of the people-pleaser‟s vocabulary.

Accustomed to a lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to wait,

hope, and try harder to please.

We must please other people regardless of the cost to ourselves or our values.

A people-pleaser believes the only way to be happy is to meet everyone‟s

requests, everyone‟s demands, everyone‟s needs (at all times) so that
everyone will be happy.

We can please God only through Jesus.

Jesus was not a people-pleaser; He pleased the Father by seeking His will.

True biblical humility implies that we see ourselves as God sees us. It is
putting us in proper perspective in light of God‟s plan.

Honesty is the best policy.

Our „ministry‟ is the skeletons (secrets) in our closet.

Character is who we are when no one is watching.

Jesus is more concerned about our character than our comfort.

Goals:
Goals are faith statements.

Goals give us direction as long as they are attainable, measurable, and

realistic.

Reality supersedes goals.

Goals teach us organizational skills, how to be accountable, and how to deal

with obstacles and setbacks.

Goals strengthen our faith in God and empower us to be what God wants us
to be.

Without goals: we will drift (no direction), accept mediocrity as a way of life,
and find life disappointing.

With goals: we will find excitement and energy in living, discover creativity,
live healthier, and have a sense of direction.

If we don‟t have goals in all points of our life, we become bored.

God would never call us to accomplish a goal and not equip us to reach that
goal.