Heavens A Protestant minister was in a teasing mood one day.

He met his friend, Rabbi Levy, and began, "You know, Rabbi Levi, I dreamed of a Jewish heaven the other night. It was very lifelike and seemed to me to fit the Jewish ideal. It was much like a crowded street in Brooklyn, with Jewish people everywhere. There were clothes on the line from every window, women on every stoop, pushcart peddlers on every corner, children playing ball on every street. The noise and confusion was so great that I woke up." "Hmmm," said the Rabbi. "By a strange coincidence I dreamed the other night of the Protestant heaven. It was very lifelike, and seemed to me to suit the Protestant ideal. It was a neat suburb, with well-spaced houses in excellent condition, beautiful lawns, and flower beds at each home. The clean, wide streets were immersed in mild sunshine." The Protestant minister smiled, "And the people?" "People," muttered Rabbi Levi, "There were no people ..." Pray for the Answer A Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the church supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number and opened the lock. The amazed teacher said, "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor." "It's really nothing," he answered. "I never can remember the combination, either, That's why I wrote the number on a piece of tape and put it on the ceiling." Scary Christening After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Looking for Solutions Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. Moses said, "Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us." The General of the Armies responded, Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close." The Admiral of the Navy said, "Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short." "Does anyone have a solution?" Moses asked. Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand. Moses called on him. "You! You have a solution?" The PR man said, "No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you a lot of coverage in the Old Testament." We'll Be Saved There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the island, one of them started screaming and yelling. "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man said. "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week," said the second man. The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does it make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to die!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week. I tithe. My pastor will find me!" The Stolen Turkey

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey. Nothing Personal "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." Vanity George knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how handsome I am." The priest turned, took a good look at him, and said, "George, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." The Flight to Egypt A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," he replied.

"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," she said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!" Hearing Confessions The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. After the young man hears several confessions, the older priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries out the gesture. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and 'I understand, how did you feel about that?'" The new priest repeats what the older man has said and nods. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'" It's All Relative A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?" God answered: "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny." Finally the man asked, "God, could you give me a penny?" And God says, "In a minute." V.I.P. One day, while on a tour of America, the Pope's chauffeured limousine pulled off the interstate and onto back roads so the Pontiff could get a better look at the U.S.A. Eventually, the Pope became bored and tired of the long journey. He leaned forward in

his seat and tapped on the glass separating him from his driver. His chauffeur lowered the glass and the Pope asked him for a small favor - to let him drive the limousine for a while, as he had not driven since he was a very young priest. The driver at first argued, but then gave in. He reluctantly pulled the vehicle over to the side of the road and got out and swapped places with the Pope. The Pope started the engine, revved it a few times and then sped down the highway at a breakneck speed. He soon passed a billboard concealing a police car, which pulled out and turned its lights and siren on. The Pope pulled over to the side of the road, and the police car pulled in behind the limo. A police officer stepped out of his vehicle and walked up to the limousine. He tapped on the driver's window. As the electric window slid down silently, the officer peered in and almost jumped out of his skin. He ran back to his car and called the police chief on his two-way radio. "What is it, Johnson?" crackled the voice over the radio. "Sir, I've just pulled someone over for speeding, and well, it's a very important person. After the last incident, you told me to call you the next time I pulled over a V.I.P." "It's not the mayor again is it?" "No, more important than that!" "Hmm..." The chief paused. "It's not the district commissioner is it?" "No, much more important than that!" replied the officer. "It's... It's not the governor or the president, is it?!" "No, more important than that!!" "Darn it, Johnson, who is it?!" "Actually sir, to tell you the truth, I don't know. But he must be important because the Pope is his chauffeur!" The Best Years Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One trainee boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The

crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!" Noah's Ark Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." Nowhere to Park A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was in a hurry and couldn't find a parking space. He left a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found under the wiper a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." Few Words The 30th U.S. President, Calvin Coolidge, was known as a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?" "Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply.

"What was it about?" Grace asked. "Sin." "And what did the minister say?" "He's against it." Poor Creature A farmer lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog that he dearly loved. The dog finally died, and the farmer went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my beloved dog is dead. Could you possibly say a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church. I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece. No telling what they believe in. Maybe they'll do something for the animal." The farmer said, "Thank you, I will give them a try. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied, "Wait -- why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?" Tradition During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a house-bound 98 year old man, who was one of the founders of their temple. Perhaps the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was. So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..." The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "Yes! THAT is the tradition!" Use of the Car A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!" The Good Book A church pastor was walking along when he spotted a member of his church. "John" he said, "you look miserable! What has happened to you?" John proceeded to tell him of all his tribulations. His business had gone under, his car was broken down and he was completely broke. The pastor put his arm around the man and proceeded to console him. "The Lord will take care of you my son. I want you to go home and take out your Bible and open it up and put your finger down on the first page you come to and that will be the Lord's answer to you." Several weeks later, the pastor saw John again. This time he was smiling, walking confidently, and wearing a brand new suit. "John, you look much better than the last time I saw you." "I am much better thank you. I have a brand new car, new clothes, and I am doing fine financially. I owe it all to you and your advice." The preacher then asked, "I am just dying to know what advice you received from the Bible."

"Well, I did just what you said. I went home opened my Bible put my finger down, and there was my answer: 'Chapter 11.'" Catholic Horses Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the tract as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites." Cars in the Bible Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go

up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Thus following their Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled.... "The Apostles were in one Accord!" Through with God One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest." To which the man replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!" Got the Message? A priest and pastor from local churches are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads: "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver who sped by. Soon after, from around the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just hold up a sign that says 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?" Baptism

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it... his three cats in the bathtub. The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled. The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony." But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face. Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!" Not Quite Right A Jamaican guy is at the Gates of Heaven. St.Peter says, "I'll have to ask you three questions before I can let you in." Jamaican: No problem St Peter: Which days of the week start with the letter "T?" Jamaican: Today and tomorrow. St.Peter: Well,that wasn't really the answer I was looking for, but I'll give it to you. 2nd question, how many seconds are there in a year? Jamaican: Twelve. St.Peter: How do you arrive at twelve? Jamaican: 2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of..... St.Peter: Final question now. What is the name of our Lord and Saviour? Jamaican: Andy. St.Peter: Good Lord man, don't you read the Bible? Jamaican: Yes,but every time mi guh a church dem sing: Andy he walks with me,

Andy he talks with me, Andy he tells me I am his own.... Good News, Bad News There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." Free Haircuts A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept his money. "You protect the public," he said. The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve justice." The next morning, the barber found a dozen lawyers standing in line, waiting for a free haircut. Debt A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!" Physics and Medicine As pre-med students at Washington University in St. Louis, the class had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives," The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps idiots like you from graduating medical school," replied the professor. Doctors Duck Hunting Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. Soon, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion from a specialist." By that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights. Besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skyward. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?" Interesting Defense A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. Where's the Money?

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." Big Man in a Small Town Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town -- a big fish in a small pond. He did everything he could to impress everyone. He opened his new law office in the nicest location in town, though he had little prospect for income early on. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk, and Joe was desperate to make a good impression on this new potential client. So, as the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA

that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled "instructions." Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone." Jury Duty A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for -- a good judge of character. That man is his lawyer." You CAN Take It With You A dying man gathered his three most trusted friends, his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. His envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous indignation. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000!"

They Are Taught to Be That Way One day in Law School, the professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! You are supposed to be learning to think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed. The student thought for a few moments and then made his professor proud. "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding ....." Slow Golfers A pastor, a doctor and a lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The lawyer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The lawyer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

The Car Crash Two cars, driven by a doctor and a lawyer, collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer. Getting your facts straight A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. Trying to prove the carpenter was too far away to see anything, the lawyer asked him how far away he was from the accident. The carpenter replied, "twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches." "What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer, incredulously. "I knew some idiot, uh... I mean lawyer, would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter. Trust A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily

duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. Patient Info The main phone number rang at a hospital and the switchboard PBX operator answers. An older-sounding woman at the other end says," Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z." The call is transferred to Patient Information, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?" She said: "Yes, darling! I'd like to know about Sarah Finkel in Room 302." He said "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals. Her doctor says if she continues improving he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." The woman said "Thank God! That's wonderful! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news." The guy in Patient Information says: "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel!! My doctor don't tell me nothing."

Expensive "Are you a lawyer?" "Yes, I am."

"How much do you charge?" "A thousand dollars for four questions." "Isn't that pretty steep?" "Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?" Emergency A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!" Drumming Up Business A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope has hearts all over it. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man ays "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Useless Medical Advice A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor. "My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?" "He told me to come and see you." Nervous Witness An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman." The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did." Hilarious Work Joke: Twenty Management Styles 1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner. 2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows. 3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its while you are talking. 4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. 5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes. 6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. 8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do. 9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on. 10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore. 11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice. 12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance. 13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are. 14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes. 15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure. 16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ). 17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms. 18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all. 20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.