I Woke Up In Heaven

Near Life Experiences

By David Putman

I Woke Up In Heaven Copyright 2012 by David Putman ISBN: 978-0-9883769-1-5 Distributed via Exponential Resources Exponential is a growing movement of leaders committed to the multiplication of healthy new churches. Exponential Resources spotlights and spreads actionable principles, ideas and solutions for the accelerated multiplication of healthy, reproducing faith communities. For more information, visit exponential.org All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission from the publisher, except where noted in the text and in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. This book is manufactured in the United States. Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version(r), and NIV(R). Copyright (c) 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblical, Inc.(tm) Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. http://www.zondervan.com

Credits Cover Design: JT Cheek Cover Art: Dave Putman Editor: Tami Putman

Exponential Network and Planting the Gospel are honored to partner together in this season when the pain of loss is so acute. This is for all of us who have lost someone dear. May God bless and bring healing to your heart.

This book is dedicated to my father, JD Putman Jr., my three sisters; Jane Sterling, Cathy Pasco, Carole Bragg and to all of us who have lost something great. A special acknowledgement to my wife, Tami and the entire Planting the Gospel team, Matt, Brent, Rebekah, and Amanda who have worked beside me during this labor of love. Thanks to my son Dave for letting me tell his story and for the wonderful rose he drew in honor of his grandmother.

On rare occasion one has the opportunity to meet and know a lady with the elegance and grace of Patricia Baber Putman. For Jane, Cathy, Carole and me, we had the wonderful privilege of knowing her as Mom (October 3, 1940 November 4, 2012).

Table of Contents
Prologue Introduction Part One: Chapter One: Chapter Two: Chapter Three: Chapter Four: Chapter Five: Chapter Six: Chapter Seven: Chapter Eight: Chapter Nine: Part Two: Chapter Ten: Glimpse Near Life Experiences Ten Thousand Miles Away Struggle Welcome Home Victory Tears Heaven Complete A Glimpse Healing It Hurts Like Hell

Chapter Eleven: He Restores All Things Chapter Twelve: An End To Regrets Chapter Thirteen: I Choose Life Chapter Fourteen: Love Hurts Chapter Fifteen: Healing Is In Our Worship

Chapter Sixteen: As Good As It Gets Chapter Seventeen: Beautiful Savior Epilogue: My Mothers Eulogy

Prologue

Embracing my friend I whispered, Im sorry. I had no idea. She had lost her mother one year earlier. I had lost mine one week earlier. I share your pain. Im going through it. I think Im beginning to understand what so many of you are going through.

Introduction
Why am I writing an eBook on heaven and grief? I wanted to help my family deal with the great losses in our lives. For me, it began over a year ago. My mom was battling leukemia. I sensed her inner struggle. I wanted to help. I felt compelled to write. I felt compelled to write for my mother. I felt compelled to write for others. To be completely honest, I felt compelled to write for me. Its harder than I thought. My mom died. Three weeks prior to my mothers death, I preached my very first message on heaven. Ive preached for nearly thirty years, but somehow Ive eluded the subject of heaven. Obviously, Im not an expert on heaven. Nothing qualifies me but my loss. Since my mothers death, Ive read everything about heaven I can get my hands on. Nothing seems to ease this great pain I find myself in. Nothing seems to satisfy. No words seem to express what I need to hear. I decided to write. Thats what I do, especially when I lose my way.

The grief I find myself in has dropped me off at an unfamiliar place and I need to find my way. Writing is how I find my way. Ive written several books. None of them make me an expert; they simply expose my vulnerability. None do this more than this one. I have never felt more lost than while trying to explore the great mysteries of heaven. I am convinced it will remain a mystery until we find ourselves face-to-face. At the same time, this journey has brought me to the edge of everything emotional. It has served as a catharsis for healing. Im just beginning. I have a long way to go. I recommend the journey if you are in pain. I am crying a lot of tears as I attempt to share the hope of heaven with you. I miss my loved ones, especially my mother. I keep getting lost in my grief. I have exposed those I love and miss. I have shared my most intimate and sacred moments. Both my heart and my head have ached as Ive made my way through the great pain called grief. Im discovering that grief is hard work that demands our attention. We must remain diligent if the pain that hurts so much is to become the pain that heals. Ive been told theres life after death. In my searching, Im discovering that there's life in the midst of death. It seems that both abundant joy and unbearable suffering are my constant companion. Im experiencing the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. When I brace myself for pain, I find joy. When I

anticipate joy, grief finds the moment, wrecking it with pa in. I cant predict the irregular rhythm of my aching soul. Grief is a strange bedfellow. You never know when he might wake you, wanting your complete attention. Jesus Knows Jesus knows how we feel and desires to journey with us. He declares, Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4). He invites us to weep. He validates our sorrow and grief. He recognizes that theres nothing unfaithful or shameful about what you are feeling. For we do not have a high priest wh o is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we areyet he did not sin (Hebrews 4:5). We are assured that He understands, He was despised and rejecteda man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care (Isaiah 53:3, NLT). He too suffered this deep overwhelming sense of loss. His soul cried out in the dark. They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, Sit here while I pray. He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, he said to them. Stay here and keep watch. Goi ng a little

farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. Abba, Father, he said, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will (Mark 14:32-36). He promised us heaven, Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Fathers house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going (John 14:1-4). We are not alone!

Part One Glimpse

For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known (I Corinthians 12:13).

Chapter One Near Life Experiences

Grief is a funny thing. It drives us to the very edge of despair. In our moment of desperation, we seek and seek looking for answers. We leave no stone unturned. Nothing seems to satisfy. Some seek the supernatural. I understand those who serve as spiritual mediums have a booming business. Books on heaven are really doing well, especially if the author boasts of a trip there. We hear more and more conversations centered on Near Death Experiences (NDE). I know for I am seeking. I lost something very special to me, my mother. My heart aches. I feel like the woman who lost the silver coin in Luke 15:8-10. Even though I have nine more, the one I lost consumes me. Ive trimmed my lamps. Im sweeping out the house. Im searching every corner. Im longing for that which I have lost. I long for the day I can call my friends and neighbors and host the grandest of all parties, bidding them to rejoice, for what was most dear to me has been found. Now that will be heaven! Ive spent countless hours searching the Internet; reading one Near Death Experience after the other. Ive read countless books of those who boast of going to heaven only to return as a special

messenger of hope for those of us who remain. Nothing seems to satisfy. I cant seem to find my way. I need help! This is the nature of grief. It refuses to let go of our heart until the heart has long since had time to heal. My grief has forged out new territories deep in my soul. I long for heaven. Eternity has taken on new meaning. Even though I see through a glass darkly, it doesnt seem to be as dark anymore. My soul embraces all that is spiritual. Im no longer afraid to die. I embrace death as a distant cousin I long to see. Yet, like Paul, for now I choose life. Im beginning to understand, heaven is at hand! Jesus came into this world announcing good news! We call it the gospel! Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near (Matthew 4:17). As the writer of Ecclesiastes declares, He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end (3:11). God created us for so much more than our brief existence on this planet. He created us for all eternity. Sin created a temporary snare in His plan. Jesus came to redeem us along with all of His creation preparing us for eternity. Jesus core message is TO stop living like this is the end and to start living like this is only the beginning. Heaven is closer than you think. Jesus came to infuse us with real life. We receive this life through the new birth. Over and over again He tells us that our

citizenship is not this temporal life, but in heaven. Eternity begins when He draws us to Himself and we receive the gift of His son for our eternal life. We exchange our death for new life. No wonder they call it the good news. This must be heaven. And now the kingdom of heaven is near. For those of us who have experienced the new birth, we see Him at work, we hear His voice, and we understand His ways. Our hope is in Jesus. We have what the Apostle Peter calls a living hope. Because Jesus rose fr om the dead, one day we too will rise. His resurrection is our living proof of heaven. Because the kingdom has come, we can experience heaven while we are here on earth. While others seek Near Death Experiences to prove the existence of God and a heaven to come, our hope is living. Our hope is present right here and right now. Our hope is in what Im calling Near Life Experiences. Im here on earth, but heaven keeps breaking through. The kingdom of heaven is indeed near. I dont believe heaven is going to be radically different than our existence here on earth. The difference is going to be an existence as God intended it to be. We know that God came as Jesus to redeem us from our sins, but he also came to restore all of His creation. He isnt pacing back and forth. He isnt wringing his hands like a nervous father awaiting the birth of a child. He is in the process of restoring all

things. One day soon all of heaven and earth will be renewed and restored. It is then that well rest. Imagine for a moment a life without death, sin, pain, crying and all those things associated with the Fall. John spoke of this in Revelation, He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (21:4). I am convinced THAT heaven is already breaking through. The kingdom of heaven is indeed already at hand. The abundant life has already begun. Sure, there is much suffering on this earth. Theres plenty of hell right here, but there are those heavenly moments we experience along the way. Its when these moments break through we experience a little bit of heaven. They happen all the time. It doesnt require a trained spiritual eye to catch a glimpse of them, only a faith as simple as a childs. They find their way into our lives in all kinds of circumstances and moments. They happen in some of the happiest moments. They even find their way into our lives in the darkest of nights. Heaven has a way of transcending our pain and suffering and ushering us into hope and life. Ive been to heaven! Ive been to heaven a number of times. I keep slipping in and out. One day I will reside there or there it will reside with me forever. For now, I find comfort in my Near Life Experiences. It is in the moments when I least expect it that I experience the breath of heaven.

Life is my proof that theres a Heaven.

Chapter Two Ten Thousand Miles Away

There are times when our Heavenly Father reaches his long, loving arm out and pulls back the curtain that divides heaven and earth, and for a moment our eyes are opened and in that moment we behold Him. Its in these moments we find strength and comfort for whats going on. This was one of those moments. I sat in my chair. I had been there and would remain so throughout a long hellish deployment. My chest was heaving and tears were making their way down my cheek. I was alone. I mean really alone. There was a longing deep within, straining, clawing, reaching the far corners of my soul creating an almost unbearable ache. I was consumed with sadness and pain. All I wanted was my son. I longed for the days that he toddled around the house leaving a wake of toys, puzzles and stuffed animals behind him as he drug his favorite toy across the room. I didnt know where he was. I mean I did. He was in Afghanistan. His days of playing with his toys were long gone. He was in the military now. He served with the brave and proud 82 nd

Airborne. His job, or MOS as they called it, was one of the most dangerous in the military. He was a Fire Support Specialist. He was part of an elite unit serving our country on the very tip of the sword. Occasionally, I heard from him. It was never scheduled. He would call between his four- and five- week long patrols. I kept my phone by my side always. Most often there was a crackle in the line and long delays, and then I would hear and recognize his voice. He always started the conversation the same way, Dad. That word was music to my ears. At last I knew he was okay, at least for now. By now he had been deployed for eight long months. His average mission lasted for five long weeks. This meant that more often than not, I didnt hear from him or know what he was enduring. Later I discovered that during those deployments he ate one meal a day, slept on the ground, showered about once a month, and engaged the enemy regularly. The lifestyle was that of a Spartan warrior at best. Recently, I had received one of those dreaded phone calls you dont want to get if your loved one is in the military. There was an attack and an improvised explosive device had hit our son. He was on his way to Kandahar, via Black Hawk, to a military hospital with three others. I was on a flight across the country when it happened. Up until then, I lived in a kind of dull denial. As the plane jolted when it hit the tarmac, I woke up. I was greeted by two messages from my wife, a text message and a voice message. I quickly called her knowing

something was up. She began like this, Dave (our son) is okay, but hes been hit by an IED. My world went surreal. I entered a kind of dimension where your automotive nervous system goes into hyper overdrive. Everything sped up and slowed down at the same time. I felt the shock wave go through my body. It began at the top of my head and made its way to the bottom of my feet before making its way back to the top of my head. The large plane was packed, but for that moment I was alone. Before the call, I had somehow convinced myself that he wasnt in any real danger. Sure he was over there, but It was the only way I could make it through the long nights. With that one phone call, my empty lies were blown away. Yes, it was dangerous. Yes, my son was at risk. Yes, my son had almost been killed. No, there were no guarantees that he would return home. There I sat, waiting. I was waiting for my son to come home. I waited and waited, and waited for fifteen months in my chair. It was a hellish existence. I was writing a book. I had been writing it for months. I had been writing it throughout my sons deployment. I was almost done. I was so close I could taste it. I was literally down to the final words of dedication. Months earlier, I had decided to dedicate it to my son. I couldnt wait to get to that moment when I could write that dedication.

I had saved the best for last. I knew what I was going to say: This book is dedicated to my son, Dave, who spent the last fifteen months in Afghanistan with the 82nd Airborne. Welcome Home! I froze! I couldnt type it. I had come this far. I had typed thousands of words but I sat there in my chair, frozen in time. All I had to do was type eighteen words and my project of eighteen months would finally be complete. Actually it wasnt the eighteen words, it was the last two, Welcome home! despair. My heart cried out, What if he doesnt come home! I cried, and cried some more. My heart was heavy. The burden seemed more than I could bear. Then I heard it. It started as a still small voice whispering ever so gently in my ear. Within a few moments it sounded as if it was a rushing river. It flooded my hurting heart with comfort and hope. The echo of Gods voice shook the very essence of my soul. The thunder of his gentle expression had a calming effect on my fears. His assurance made its way through my veins, warming every part of my body, especially my heart. He was with me. God was with me. Fear darted out as dread jumped from the closet of my deep

I felt his presence. It couldnt be denied. I fell on my face. I opened up my heart and received his gift of grace. He spoke His loving truth into my life. His truth was simple, but profound. His words were few, but they filled my deep void. He will come home, He assured me. He will be at home with Me (God) or he will be at home with you, but he will be home. I emptied the tears of my soul onto the keyboard as I received my healing. I pecked out those last words, WELCOME HOME. Exhausted, I hit the send button, right before I slipped off into a deep sleep.

Chapter Three Struggle

When I woke up the pain was still there. I had the assurance of heaven, but the pain was still there. Waiting is really hard. Knowing that your loved one is coming home doesnt speed up the process. Knowing theres a heaven doesnt eliminate the pain . Dont let anybody tell you it does. Believe me, I know. That was eight months into his deployment. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen months past. Each day crept by like the longest of summer days. Each moment felt like eternity. There wasnt a day, night, or moment that my precious little boy wasnt in my thoughts, consuming my heart and filling my prayers. Some call it the dark night of the soul. It was a long hellish night. I thought it would never end. When you are a military family, you fear the visit when two rather pristine soldiers drive up in a bland-looking sedan and park at the end of your driveway, like an unwelcomed salesman looking for a quick escape. When your son has regular encounters with death as his way of life, you start to do strange things. Dread becomes your companion.

Our house is in a cul-de-sac at the back of a neighborhood. With the exception of our neighbors coming home from a long day at the office, we dont see many cars. Over time, you learn to recognize who it is by the tenor of their engine and the way they handle the vehicle. I can easily spot the sounds of an intruding motorist from my favorite seat. It was a dreaded sound during those long, hellish evenings. When I would hear a car, foreign to my collective memory, I would stand up and walk three steps, peer out my door, take a deep breath, and sit back down. I never told my wife what I was doing. She never asked. I think she knew. She always seemed to be relieved when I found my way back to my chair. About the time you relax and start sleeping through the night or stop jumping up at every sound of a vehicle, something else happens, like the Christmas Eve of my sons deployment. There we were, gathered together with my precious girls, faking our way through the holidays. The phone rang. The line crackled. It was our beloved Dave calling from some remote place in Afghanistan. What a wonderful Christmas present. No, this is the best Christmas present you can receive. With the girls standing around me, with the most amazing smiles on their faces, waiting on their turn on the phone, the latest saga unfolds. There had been another attack. He had spent his Christmas Eve pinned down by enemy fire. Instead of fireworks, a Rocket Repelled Grenade that whizzed past his head, nearly taking it off, had

awakened him. It began with a Humvee getting stuck out in the open field near a village known for its nasty activity. It ended with an all out battle. All I really remember about the story was, Dad, dont tell the girls. I didnt. Once again I went through the motions of Christmas, opening one gift after the other, but really all I wanted for Christmas was my son to return home. The idea of a rocket almost taking his head off by less than a foot the night before just didnt sit well with me. Well anyway, Merry Christmas to you too, Dave. I was off to bed for another hellish night. Did I mention the dreams? Youve had them. Where you wake up with one of your kids calling your name, when youre unable to reach them, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

Chapter Four Welcome Home

Winter gave way to spring. It always does. Everything sleeping begins to wake up and everything brown begins to turn green. I recall talking with my son. He was going out on another mission. This was different. It was going to be his last mission. He was almost home. I had mixed feelings as you might imagine. By now I had learned to dread each day. Would this mission be his last? Of course it would, one way or the other. We waited. Thats what you do when youre in the military. There is no such thing as my son or my spouse is in the military. When Uncle Sam gets your loved one, he takes the whole family with him. So we waited. We waited to hear that once again he was safe from his final mission. We finally got the phone call we had been waiting on. It took weeks. It wasnt from our son, but once again from some military personnel. With little to no emotion, he obviously read from a prewritten announcement. It went something like this, We called to inform you that your son has been extracted from the battlefield and he is now in a safe, undisclosed place. You will receive further instructions in the near future. Wait a minute! I thought I was

dreaming this hellish dream. You mean Ive just awakened and its real. I can see it now as the large military helicopter slams on the ground, kicking up a storm of pebbles and dust as the men of Company A 4th-73 Reconnaissance Unit of the 82nd Airborne, with their M4 and one military-issued duffle bag, make their way from the hell theyve lived in over the last fifteen months. I can hear the sounds, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, as the big bird makes its way up and tilts forward heading west. They were finally headed home! Coming Home Homeward bound! My son was homeward bound. It took weeks, but finally we received word Dave was coming home! We received this word in the form of another one of those warm and fuzzy phone calls the military is famous for, Our troops will be arriving at Pope Airfield, North Carolina, on such and such date, at 0900. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, the day we had longed for arrived. We made our way to Pope Airfield with family in tow. There were grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, a sister, and a soonto-be wife. Everyone who was supposed to be there was there. It was sort of like a family reunion, only far better. When we arrived, I didnt know what to expect. There was high security everywhere and the first thing I noticed was that not just anybody got in. However,

because we were family, they were expecting us. We received a special pass and were allowed to come inside. We were instructed to go to the Green Ramp. Im not sure why they called it that. There was nothing green about it. I do know to this very day those two words have tones of heaven laced through them and they conjure up the best of memories when I hear them. The green ramp turned out to be a huge hanger that emptied out onto the tarmac of the adjoining airfield. Eager with anticipation, we arrived early. We werent the only ones. We spent the next few hours anticipating what was just ahead and watching the crowd grow and grow as this indescribable scene unfolded. There were people gathered there from far and wide. As I entered the building I thought I saw an angel, no, Im sure I saw an angel. Her name was Mama Bach. Her son had served side by side with mine and on one occasion, when there was a terrible attack, he had led the charge going back to where my son was ambushed, saving his and others lives. It didnt take long to figure out there are all kinds of people in the military. They represent every race, color and creed. Some come from much and others seemed to have very little. None of that seemed to matter. There was a special bond in that hanger that day. There was no such thing as strangers. We were all one. We were family. Our bond was this strange brotherhood created by a hellish war and for that

moment nothing else mattered. In this place all of our differences dissipated like the dew on the rolling hills as the sun rose in the horizon in the east with the promise of a new day, a new hope, a new life. As 0900 approached, we began to make our way outside the hanger where the clouds had opened up to give us a view to behold. Across from me was a lady with children in tow, one of them barely fifteen months old. There were soldiers in uniform. One of them had crutches and sort of hobbled with a limp. There was a father whose son wouldnt be coming home, at least not this home, drawn to this moment by a deep sense of honor and grief. Then there was the brass, highranking military. They had been here many times, but you could see it in their eyes. This was more than a responsibility or duty. The press was there. This was big news. Three Hundred of Americas finest were about to be home. I was taken up in the moment. It was almost more than I could handle. I felt as if I was in another world. At least for that moment, it was a far better world. Then I heard something. It was a faint buzz coming out of the east. It grew louder and louder until I saw it. At first it was so tiny you had to imagine it, but it grew larger and larger until it was obvious our troops were about to be home. Finally, they touched down and taxied within a football fields length of the hanger where we waited. A red carpet was rolled out and slowly our troops, no our heroes, piled out and gathered at the base of the plane. It seemed to take forever in true military fashion.

We were so eager. The moment was thick and filled with electricity. The military band tuned their instruments. Cameras were zoomed out as far as they could go, while children tugged at their mothers hem. We were all standing on the edge of time waiting on this single most important moment in our lives up until now. The soldiers got into formation and began to march toward us with M4s in tow. Thats when I saw him. He was about three quarters back, second from the end. Our eyes met just for a moment. There was a rope that separated us. The band began to play the Star Spangled Banner. They stood at attention and then at ease as the commander barked out the final orders of this mission, Mission accomplished! You are dismissed! We ran to our soldiers. It was mayhem in the best way. I felt like the father who killed the fatted calf, put a robe on his son, and a gold ring on his finger. He was lost, but now he is found. He was dead, but now he is alive again. Welcome home, welcome home. Thank God my dear son, you are home. This must be heaven!

Chapter Five Victory

The world changed on September 11, 2001. We all know where we were when two jets flown by religious extremists slammed into the Twin Towers. I remember the exact moment I got the word. You do too. A sinister enemy attacked us and there was no denying it. All that was sinful about our world raised its head against all that was good and we felt its nasty blow. We still do. We are constantly reminded of our need for a new earth. Most recently, another school shooting was our reminder. Theres so much good in this world, but evil must be dealt with. Theres a cry in the land for justice. We were created for what is just. We serve a just God. Ill never forget the call. It was my son. I was away on business. I knew my son was considering enlisting in the military. He thought it was his duty. We had traveled to New York together following that tragic event. We spent the day in Lower Manhattan in silence. The ground was still smoldering. There were makeshift memorials everywhere. New Yorks finest were still recovering their fallen heroes. It was a sad day. It was a reminder of how dark our world can be.

Davids call that night interrupted a dinner with a friend. These kinds of calls are always disruptive. Dad, my son began as he went over the details of his military enlistment. What do you think? I replied, Son, I would rather you die for something, than to live for nothing. Yeah, thats what I thought was his reply. And with that he enlisted. Saying goodbye is hard. Homecomings are heavenly! I can only imagine what Heaven must have been like the day Gods son returned home from his mission. You know the story. God sent his son. They called Him Jesus. He came to save His people from their sin. Jesus left His Father to fight our war. It was painful for both Him and His Father. At one point in the battle the earth stood in silence. From His cross everything went black. In that moment, the world was so dark that the Father had to look away. In the midst of the battle the son felt his aloneness. The weight of sin crushed his shoulders. About three in the afternoon, Jesus cried out in a loud voice, God, my God, why have you forsaken me (Matthew 27:46)? He died. It was as if the earth stood still. He arose. Jesus defeated sin, death, and hell. He ascended. So will we.

Just as Jesus left the Father to wage this war, He returned a hero. Talk about reunions! The Father gave Him a robe, a crown, and a throne sitting Him at His right hand. All of creation erupted falling at His feet. Blessing and honor and glory and power belong to the one sitting on the throne and to the Lamb forever and ever (Revelation 5:13). The battle is over, the victories won and Jesus is Lord! He is the firstborn from among the dead. He arose! We too will rise!

Chapter Six Tears

War left its mark on our son and our family. Most of them arent physical unless you count the many tattoos. I now have two and, well, my sons well decorated with them. I have one on the inside of my right bicep. Its the Chinese symbols for father/son. My son put it on me right before he deployed. I now have one on the inside of my left bicep. Its the Chinese symbols for mother/son. He put that one on me as well. He has his grandmothers gift of art, and in many ways he is so much like her. Im thinking about having the rose on the cover of this book that he drew, tattooed on the left side of my rib cage near my heart. I took this rose from my mothers grave. Back to me and my son. While our scars arent physical, we do have our fair share of emotional ones. I believe most of our soldiers and their loves ones do. I think this explains why so many veterans choose to remain silent when it comes to the wars they have fought. Theres just too much pain thats left unhealed. When it comes to the war, I still cry. I cry for many reasons. I cry for others, when I hear of some family losing yet another brave loved one. I cry because the wounds of deployment and what my son endured still reside in a tender part of my heart. I cry because Im thankful. When my family gathers and we bow our heads to pray, I

cant help but cry. I hope I never stop crying, at least on this earth. At the same time, I must admit that God is healing my heart and I dont cry as much anymore. For me, this healing took place in one unexpected moment. It was about a year after my sons final deployment. He was back home and life was more normal for all. It was a warm spring day. We were doing what we love to do, grilling our favorite steaks and hanging out with the family. My son and I had a moment. We went deep. We talked about his deployments and life after the war. He listened as I shared what it was like to be the father of a son deployed to a war zone. I recalled one moment after an attack when he told me he was prepared to give his life for his country. We talked about what it was like to love someone living so close to the edge of death. I told him about the chair I sat in every day praying for him and drawing comfort form Psalm 91. I reminded him of the book Id written during his deployment and I shared with him the intimacy of that moment when I dedicated it to him including the whole welcome home thing. We wept! Jesus wept! Jesus wept with us. My wife came to the door. She knew we were having a moment. She walked away leaving us alone. After what seemed like a brief eternity, my son looked up at me. There were tears streaming down our faces. We were a mess. Looking up at me he said, I had no idea. I knew what it was like for me, but I had no idea what it was like for you. It was dinnertime.

We wiped away our tears. No, God wiped away our tears. God healed our hearts. We dont cry as much anymore now. God is going to wipe away our tears. He is going to heal our hearts. Wounds will be healed. We will have no regrets. Conversations will be completed. We will understand and be understood. Its not too late!

Chapter Seven Heaven

Fast-forwardIm in heaven now! Many years have passed, but whos counting. Theres no need to now. I have relived this occasion many, many wonderful times. First it was me. The night I slipped over was long ago. I lived a good long life way up in years. My family was with me that night. There was my dear sweet wife, Tami, ever the rock. She had been faithfully by my side for over a half century. There was my soldier son, now all grown up and proud. Who would have thought that he would have become one of the best artists ever! There was Amanda, a mirror reflection of me. She had always been by my side. Between my children, they had five of their own. There were three boys, as big and tall as their dad now and two little girls as sweet as their mom. My friends were all there or at least those who hadnt beat me in the race. As I had grown older, I had discovered the importance of people and had grown to love them ever so dearly. I enjoyed a good party and this one had all the makings of a grand affair. It was my home going and it was time to celebrate. I was so tired from the battle, longing for my Savior to embrace me. I had fought a good fight, and all but finished the race. As they all said goodbye, I looked deeply into my sweeties face.

I remember the kiss. I forever will. Tamis lips laid so gently over mine. As I began to drift, it suddenly became like a rush. Air filled my lungs and light jolted me from near death to full life. Color filled this place and every shade of darkness evaporated before my eyes, and all that was beautiful bloomed within and before me. Love filled every fiber of my being, pushing out any remaining bitterness, hurt and anger. Peace exploded in my soul, producing the deepest most satisfying sensation of warmth. Every longing and craving of my innermost soul seemed to be filled to the brim and overflowed all around me. Every tear and heartbreak felt its last embrace as my senses breathed in every aspect of this place. Death lost its sting. The grave could no longer keep what the Bride had prepared for this glorious reunion. It was true, all true, as I looked into the face of beauty. Yes, it was my Savior that I now looked upon face to face. It was in that moment I received the kiss of grace. Some who are still on the other side call this death, but Im more alive than ever. I am in heaven now. I wish I could tell you what it is like, but words cant describe. However, it was sort of like that moment in what seems like a distant land. I recall that time when we had a glorious reunion. My son separated from us by war came home to be united with us. Yes, way back when he came home from that distant land. We got that call that he was coming home and we all gathered in that hanger, and in a moment all of our hellish memories and long dark nights vanished as we greeted him with a robe and a kiss.

You wouldnt believe it. For through a glass, rather foggy, we still peep. I fell to my face, trembling in my place. Every tear in my eye was removed from my face. My tired old body was gently embraced. He served me a cup and from a silver tray he gave me His bread. I realized in that moment, as the bread was broken and the vine was spilt, that His sacrifice was complete. Every debt I owed, He had paid. Welcome home, welcome home, welcome home, my dear son, he repeated!

Chapter Eight Complete

This land that I entered seemed far too familiar. It was like home only far better. It was like a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. It was a place Ive longed for way down in the deepest part of my soul. He greeted me with a kiss and held me in his embrace. In a moment briefer than that of a twinkling of an eye, all things became complete. This city I entered was built with the most intricate of care. A river flowed deeply jutting here and there. Boardwalks and greenways led to parks and lots of open spaces where people would gather and others would come to reflect. As they all stood before me, I was filled with such joy. My tears were all washed away and my pain was no more. Lots of hugs and kisses were in order as Im welcomed to this place. Then I heard a kind and gentle voice accompanied with an embrace, Welcome home as Jesus looked deeply into my face. Its hard to express the fullness of the breath I took and the life I expressed in this place. No words came close to expressing it. It was wonderful, indescribable, uncontainable, incomparable, unchangeable, untamable, all-powerful, and so much more. Everywhere I looked, I beheld his glory and I was filled with his love. The sacrifice he made was so real and now even more

complete. The love I felt overcame everything else. In a moment, I was healed of all my regrets. The welcome I received was something far too grand to believe. It was like a great banquet, a wedding or majestic feast. Then I saw her, my mom, as I jumped to my feet. She was whole and ever so complete. At that moment I had a flashback to a conversation I longed to complete. The last time I had seen her body, it was so frail. With Thanksgiving around the corner, she declared that she was going to cook the turkey. As I sat with her that day, I knew all of our longings were fulfilled. The table felt full, even though there were still some empty seats. Wait a minute. Its that time. We are headed to the green ramp. Somebodys coming home. Who? I dont know. I think that is only for the Father to know. I cant wait to see. Its hard to imagine, but every time we head back to the green ramp it makes this place a little more complete. You may ask, How do you improve upon perfection? Ill tell you how, theres only one way, and thats by adding a little more perfection. I cant waitI cant wait to see who that lucky person will be? Oh, Oh, OhI fell to my feet, staggered by His love, knocked down by His grace, and once again reminded of Christs great sacrifice. He taught equality with God is something not to keep, but He made Himself a servant to take on my sin. He lived the perfect life preparing Him to meetsin, death, and hell ultimately defeating them. He takes

all our sin from the past, present and future, upon His shoulders and in one eternal moment he declares its ultimate defeat. Dazed by the onrush of his great grace, I jump to my feet. As I gazed in his eyes I couldnt help but proclaim, Well done my savior and so worthy is the lamb that was slain, was raised and now forever does reign. He declared it before and He declares it again. I told you he would come home. He would be at home with you or at home with me. Welcome home! Welcome home! Welcome home! Now heaven is complete!

Chapter Nine A Glimpse

God sent Jesus into this world for a greater purpose. Jesus openly declared this purpose as He began His rather brief phase of public ministry. He declared, Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near (Matthew 4:17). Jesus came to right the world of wrong. Jesus came to forgive us of our sins. He came to live and to die. He came to restore His creation to His Fathers intent. He brought His kingdom with Him. He left it with us after obtaining victory and establishing His reign. The good news of the gospel is that heaven is here! We can enjoy it now. Sure, there will be a fuller, more completed version one day, but for now heaven cant wait. When a new king comes, he establishes his administration. He sets a new culture. The gospel is that announcement that everything is about to change. It is good news in that a kind and benevolent king has done for us what we could not do for ourselves. He has forgiven our sin and given us a seat at His table. He has turned our pain into joy. Our uncertainly has found security. Where there was warfare, we have His peace. The lion is indeed lying with the lamb.

Sorrow has found a song giving way to worship. Depression has turned into celebration. Despair has given way to hope. Brokenness has been pieced together creating wholeness. Anxiety has finally discovered peace. Division has been woven into unity. Evil has disappeared and goodness has prevailed. Death has resurrected and found life. Disease has been eradicated and our healing is complete. Darkness has dissipated and given way to light. Our toil on earth is completed as we enter into His rest. His mission is all but completed. Just a few more days and thenthat will be heaven.

Part Two Healing

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5).

Chapter Ten It Hurts Like Hell

Grief made its way to my door not too very long ago. Im trying to find my way through it, but I imagine I need more time. I had just arrived home after that first week. It was good to be home and reunited with my wife, Tami. I sat in my chair across from her. With words so tender she wanted to know how I was doing. With tears exploding I cried, I want my mama. I want my mama and shes gone. Shes never coming back! I was fifty -three years old and all I wanted was for my mother to hold me in her arms again. Grief is painful! If Hell is about separation from all that matters, I feel like I have died and landed in Hell. I am separated by death from the very one that gave me life. It hurts like Hell. I still want my mama! Its been only a few short weeks. God help me as I make my way through this unbearable grief. God help us all! I know He have and He will!

Chapter Eleven He Restores All Things

As I cried, I knew that one day I would see my mom again. I knew this was a temporary arrangement. I knew that one day I would make one final trip home and from that home I would share a room with her for all eternity. I cant wait to see my mother! Iv e got more to live for than ever, but I also have more to die for now. While my mother was on this earth, she suffered. We all do, but she really suffered. While she never complained, I could often see it in her face and no matter how hard she tried, she couldnt hide it in her eyes. It wasnt until after she died that we found notes in her purse documenting her pain for her doctor. This medicine no longer works. Is there anything else? Would it hurt to double up on this? What should I expect next? She never expressed it to us, but we knew it. We knew that she was living in deep pain. I spent the weekend with her three weeks before she died. Like most, I had no idea. I preached a special message on heaven for her in my fathers church. It was drawn from the text that inspired most of these words found in Revelation 21:1-7, where John describes the New Heaven and New Earth. Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and

there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Look! Gods dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new! Then he said, Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. He said to me: It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water, without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. He Is the Alpha and the Omega From this passage I draw comfort. John recalls Jesus words of restoration. He said, Behold, I make all things new. These are incredible words of comfort. He is going to make all things new! Well get back to that in a moment. By declaring, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. Jesus points us back to the cross. It was there He first cried, It is done (finished). The redeeming work of Jesus was finished. God had come to earth to save His people from their

sins. The good news is Jesus has the final word when it comes to sin and death. Paul understood this when he quoted the prophet Hosea, Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (I Corinthians 15:55-57). It is done! Jesus has the last word. He defeats sin, death and hell, delivering us the ultimate victory in the win column. This victory has nothing to do with our performance or behavior. It has everything to do with His love for us. God did for us what we could not do for ourselves. On the cross, Jesus reversed the consequences of sin and death by giving us life. It doesnt stop here. Jesus isnt only the Omega or the End. He is also the Alpha or the Beginning. He is the living proof of life after death. He died that we might live, but He rose that we too might rise from the dead. As Paul puts it speaking of Jesus, And He is the head of the body, the church; He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything He might have the supremacy. Jesus arose and ascended into heaven as living proof that we too will arise and ascend. To be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord. All of this is because of what God did in Jesus for us. It is a free gift from God. We dont deserve it, we cant earn it, but we can receive it.

God is ultimately going to restore all things. The idea of new found in this passage of scripture carries with it the idea of being renewed. If you want to know what heaven is going to be like, its going to be the renewing of heaven and earth. Thats right, a new heaven and new earth. John declares, I saw the Holy City, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Look! Gods dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. Here is the most amazing picture. The Holy City, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. What God intended from the very beginning will be brought to completion! We are going to live forever on a renewed earth. I love the parable of the mustard seed. He told them another parable: The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches (Matthew 13:31-32). Notice what happens in this story. The smallest of seeds become the largest of plants, taking on the form of a tree, and the birds of the air find refuge in it. What is Jesus talking about? Here He is

painting a picture of the restoration of creation. What God began, He will complete. The ultimate picture of Heaven is a renewed heaven and earth. If you really want to understand what life is going to be like in eternity, go back to the creation story because our beginning is going to be our ending. After all, Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. Let the restoration begin! My mom and your loved ones who are in heaven are restored. This is the good news of the gospel. Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. As my moms disease progressed, her life diminished. Every time I saw her, she was more and more frail. And even though she chose not to speak of the pain, I could see it deep in her eyes. I called her practically every day. There were many days that she didnt answer the phone. When she didnt, I would call my dad. More often in those last days he would reply, Shes resting right now. Today she is at rest! At my daughters recent wedding, my mom and I danced together. It was so wonderful. At one moment, my three sisters and I formed a circle with her and danced around like little children playing ring-around-the-roses! I have a picture of that moment that caught my mom with the most beautiful smile on her face.

I will forever cherish that moment. Today, she is dancing with the Kings of Kings! No more meds. No more midnight trips to the emergency room. No more chemo. No more pain. No more worry. No more sorrow. No more fear. No more death. My mom is alive with the King of Glory. She is restored as God created her to be. And for the rest of eternity, she will make that trip to where the rivers meet, where she will announce, Welcome home, welcome home until heaven too is complete.

Chapter Twelve No Regrets

I dont have a single regret when it comes to my mom. It wasnt that I did everything right. It wasnt that our relationship was perfect. I can remember my rebellious teenage years, a time of deep pain for both of us. I recall pushing away in my early thirties, as I attempted to make sense of my family of origin issues. In my forties, I found myself often too busy making a living, raising my kids, chasing the dream, missing more than my share of family gatherings. At the same time, I have no regrets. Or maybe I just choose to have no regrets. Im focusing on all the good things. Thats one of the beautiful things about death. What doesnt matter suddenly disappears. I also have no regrets because about thirteen months before she died, I made a commitment to make time for what matters. I went into my calendar and wrote every special day in her life and our life as a family, and spent it with her. Most every month, I traveled the three hours to spend a few hours with her and I called practically every day. I even hooked her up with Skype. Now my dad is a different story. He has never turned on a computer or read an email. However, I am encouraged; I caught him reading text messages on his 1990s flip phone the other day. I think I might get him an iPhone soon.

When my dad speaks of my mom, he says he has one regret. He wishes he had showed her more affection. He has always been sort of a crusty ole guy. Im not sure if I can handle a newer, sweeter version of him. Two days before my mother died, they were at the doctors office for a routine visit. They had lo ts of routine visits as her cancer progressed. As they were wrapping up, he made his way out to the car to wait for her. As he did, he noticed a single flower about to bloom. It was waiting for mom when she entered the car. After the funeral, we noticed for the first time that it was in a vase by the kitchen sink, in full bloom. As my dad put it, that little flower meant so much to her. Im so glad my dad gave her that one last gift of affection, even if he did take it from the doctors office. A lesson to learn is that a stolen flower steals the heart. Living life with no regrets is more about the little things than the big things. But what about those of us that live with regret? I say I have no regrets, but surely I do. We all do. However, sometimes our regrets catch us off guard long before we can correct them. When this happens, we often live our lives with some kind of haunting regret. We speak of it over and over again. We live with the real pain of real regret. Its not too late. Its not too late even if your loved one is in heaven. Theres coming a day when God is going to heal our hearts! We find this promise in Revelation 21:4: And God will wipe away

every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away (NIV). God is going to heal our hearts! Its not over. The last word has been spoken. Theres more to come. I know so many people who live with regret. If only I had been there. If only I hadnt said... If only I had said If only I hadnt done If only I had done Our list goes on and on. I get that. I understand that. What I want you to know is its not over. God is going to heal your heart. He is going to wipe away every tear. Theres going to be no more death, sorrow or crying. There will be no more emotional, relational, spiritual or physical pain. All that is bad, sad, and left undone will pass away. We are going to be a part of a new creation! And the good n ews is its already started.

Chapter Thirteen I Choose Life

My mom taught me to live life. She suffered for nearly 30 years with a malignant blood disorder. In the spent stage of her disease, it turned into Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, with a prognosis of two to five years. What some would view as a death sentence in typical fashion, she turned into a life-sentence. She died just five days shy of the two years of her diagnosis. In spite of her disease, she died unexpectantly. Death is like that. In her typical fashion, she lived life until her last breath. Just one week earlier, I spent the day with her. It was wonderful. She was feeling so good. Dad had just completed a sunroom addition just for her. It was a very welcomed addition to the back of their house. It overlooked the woods that framed their property and sat in the shadows of the two huge oak trees my dad had planted for her what seemed like ages ago! The room was framed in windows my dad had custom made. When I walked in the door, she sat on the loveseat in the corner. She had her feet propped up and Bible on her lap. She was living. She was living in the moment. You could see the satisfaction and peace painted across her face oozing from some spring deep within. It was our first time to enjoy her new favorite room together. I

didnt know it would be my last. It was a good first. If theres got to be a last, it was a good last. It was a typical fall day in the south. Leaves were gently finding their way from the tops of those old oak trees, forming a covering across the ground. I opened all eight windows one by one. It was a labor of love. Warm air with a hint of the winter filled the room with the most wonderful smells. Her senses were on fire. She seemed to take in every detail. She longed for winter. She longed to sit in her new sunroom and see the snowfall! We talked about the upcoming holidays. I enjoyed the conversation. I knew it would be special. I thought it might be our last holiday together. With each passing week, I had watched her grow weaker and weaker. Our family Thanksgiving gathering was just a couple of weeks away. She paused and appeared to be going somewhere really deep. Nodding her head up and down she insisted that this year we would have Thanksgiving at her house and she would prepare the turkey and dressing. I could almost taste it. She was an amazing cook. I couldnt wait. We sat for a long time that day. We always did. My mom had this wonderful way of getting lost in the moment. When you walked into the room everything else faded into the background. Her heart

stood at attention while you were in her presence. My talks with her had matured over the recent days. I found myself consumed in the moment. Our day slipped away unaware. She was discipling me to be present, not a strong suit for me. The sun began to set, dancing with blue and lavender shades blended together like cotton candy. She lifted her frail self while gathering her things. She announced her intent: Were going out. No one protested. No one lacked the time. Life was happening all around her. We followed the rainbow to her favorite place to dine. She bumped into a childhood friend on the way in. We chatted for a moment. No one was in a hurry. The room came alive as she entered. She filled the room with eloquence and grace. We shared a delightful meal. It would be our last. Much of moms adult life had been spent undergoing chemotherapy. Long before the devastating leukemia, she had been given what some might call a death sentence. She had a rare blood disorder that required a form of chemo throughout the remainder of her life. I recall when she was first diagnosed; she was given something like five years to live. They were right about one thing. Her disease did turn into leukemia and ultimately she died, but only after she lived nearly thirty years beyond her original prognosis. Once I asked her, How do you do it mom? Youve been sick all these years, but Ive never heard you complain, not even once. I can live or I can die, but I choose life, she said. I received her reply as

a very special gift I will hold close to me for the rest of my life. It has served me well. Its not a surprise that her life verse was, For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21, KJV). It is engraved on her grave marker. And did she ever live. She took full advantage of the dash between 1940 and 2012.

Chapter Fourteen Love Hurts

On November 7, 2012, I had the rare privilege to preside, or whatever you do, over my mothers funeral. It was a celebration of her life. It was our final gift to her and her final gift to us. People often ask me how I did it or they say I cant believe you were able to do it. The truth is, it was easy. My mom preached her own funeral. I could have stood up, looked at the packed church, and said, Well, and everyone would have said, I agree. I realize thats not the case with every loss. As a pastor, I have resided over some really difficult circumstances and situations. I dont want to make light of the incredible pain death brings to the surface. The pain Im living in is often overwhelming. Its a pain I often have to bear alone. Sometimes, while sitting in a room filled with laughter, something hits a trigger point in my life and I find myself once again all alone in my grief. Sometimes when I lay my head down at night, I long for my mother. The pain is great. I understand why people allow their lives to drift from grandparents, parents and siblings, as they grow older. At times, its a kind of defense mechanism that buffers the pain. We often

start burying them years, even decades before they die. By the time we say goodbye, weve gotten really good at being far way. A friend called me the other day to express his condolences. I know you had a special relationship with your mother, he said. His words validated my pain. Finally someone got it. This wasnt some ordinary mother. This was my mother and we had a special relationship. We really did! So do (did) you! I feel your pain. When you choose to love, you choose to experience pain. Theres no way around it. Your grief is great.

Chapter Fifteen Healing Is In Our Worship

Blessed be Your name When I'm found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be Your name.a Words cant express the wonders of heaven, nor can the mind comprehend the things God has prepared for us. Some things have to be experienced. Heaven is one of them. Im discovering worship is our express lane to heaven. Worship at its best involves all the senses. Heaven, like worship, requires all the senses on hyper drive to experience its many wonders. Therefore, worship is our best shot at experiencing heaven on this side of eternity. Worship at its best involves smelling His creation, tasting His goodness, feeling His loving embrace, seeing His tender face, and hearing His gentle voice. When we worship, we are consumed with His presence. When we are consumed with His presence, it gives us a whole new perspective. We realized who He is and who we are in light of Him. Worship reveals that God is indeed glorious, great, good, and graceful. We are His special creation. He loves us dearly. He created us in all of His glory declaring our goodness. He rested in his glory at

all He had created. He redeemed us through the offering of His life in exchange for ours. He is renewing us to His very image. He is restoring all things. Blessed be His name. The Funeral I took my place on the podium behind my mothers closed casket. The church was filled with family and friends. My niece stood and sang, His Eye Is on the Sparrow. It was a song that my mom had sung many times from that place. I watched my father and sister as they reached their hands toward heaven in worship. I knew this was no ordinary day. I knew this was no ordinary loss. And I knew that we worshipped no ordinary savior. Im discovering that healing is in our experience of worship. When I worship, my heart is healed. Worship has a way of putting things into perspective. Without worship, there is no healing. While the pain of the moment is often more than we can bear, we can choose to worship, or as in many cases worship seems to choose us. We can focus on our loss or on what we have. Grief reminds us of both. In many ways, grief has become a welcomed companion. Grief is a reminder of my great loss, which is a reminder of what I

really had. In some ways its like being at a grand ball where grief and joy dance endlessly throughout the night. Suffering has become my constant companion, so has He! Therefore, I choose to worship.

Chapter Sixteen This Is As Good As It Gets

As I reflect on my mothers recent death I realize things are really good. I mean they are as good as it gets. Death is a result of sin. Death is really ugly. Death hurts deeply. I hate death. Yet the gospel is a game changer. Paul framed it this way, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). I know mom is in Heaven. I know that she is healed. I rejoice and weep at the same time when I think of it. I know our prayers have been answered. I cant wait to see her. I long for it so much. However, it is good because I know she is doing what she always did in that she is living. Shes more alive than ever. At the same time we are still in the middle of a great loss. I still want my mama. Yet the love we have received is unbelievable. Her funeral was a celebration of her life and her life in Christ. The people of our community poured out their hearts. At the Wake, we greeted friends and family for hours. They were all obviously touched by my mom. The funeral was amazing. My sister read a poem and sang one of moms favorite songs. My niece sang two songs. A family friend made opening comments. My brother-in-law gave an incredible eulogy. And then I had the greatest honor of my life. As my

moms one and only son, I stood and spoke on behalf of the family. During the days following my mothers death, my family was amazing. I love them so much. I am so honored to be part of the Putman family. My dad loved my mother so well and now in spite of his grief he loved his three girls and son in an amazing way. All of us spent the week together holding nothing back. While facing the most difficult week of our lives, collectively we found peace in each others presence. In this it occurred to me how good our God had been to us. He changed our lives. He gave and continues to give us hope. He is faithful. I dont know what people do without Him.

Chapter Seventeen Beautiful Savior

Ive included my mothers eulogy (Epilogue). I started not to, but I knew my family and friends who shared the moment of her funeral would treasure it. Some of them have asked for it. The day I stood and gave it was one of the most important days of my life. My niece had just sung How Beautiful, the perfect song for what I was about to say. I spoke of my mom and her beauty. I also spoke of our beautiful savior. My mom was beautiful. Our Jesus is beautiful. You are a beautiful person. You were created for beauty. Yes, something went wrong. Sin entered the world. Our world turned gray. However, the very essence of it is beauty. My wife has a gift for loving people. I think I was drawn to her, unaware, because she is a lot like my mother. We often do that when we pick our spouses. Not long ago, we were visiting my sister. She lives in a beautiful beach community so we love to visit her when the weather is warm. On such a day I dropped off both my wife and sister at a favorite outdoor watering hole with live music while I found a parking place. When I finally arrived, Tami (my wife) introduced me to a new friend. I was a bit surprised. He was a young man. If he wasnt

homeless, he wasnt far from it. He was nearly toothless and his bathing suit was at least four sizes too big for him. He kept pulling on it, the only thing that kept it from falling to his knees. He was what we call in the Deep South three sheets to the wind. She introduced me to him by name. Im always amazed, but never surprised by how she treats the least of these with dignity and the greatest of respect. She treats most everyone that way, especially if you are one of those people who are pushed away by others. After a couple of days my sister looked at me and asked, Does Tami love everybody? Tami went on to explain that everyone has some good or beauty in them. She went on to say that sometimes you have to look really hard, but its there, somewhere. God created all things and no matter how lost we might become, there is a beauty worth redeeming. Redemption We all have a story. The gospel is Jesus story. Its the story of beauty lost and beauty found. Jesus framed this story within another story. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When He found one of great value, He went away and sold everything He had and bought it (Matthew 13:45-46). We are the pearl of great value. God is the merchant that when He finds us, He sells everything to purchase our redemption. Gods all was Himself and He gave of H imself. He gave all of

Himself. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to His own advantage; rather, He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to deatheven death on a cross (Philippians 2:5-8)! Because sin left its ugly print on our lives, Jesus took our ugly sin upon himself to restore our beauty. He redeemed us! He paid the price we could not pay for ourselves. He gave it all. Because He died on the cross there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:37-39). Jesus redeems us and now theres no condemnation, we are more than conquerors, and nothing can separate us from the love of God. This is good news! He loves us! Renewal

It doesnt stop there, not only did God redeem us, but He is renewing us. He is transforming us into His very image. For we are Gods masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago (Ephesians 2:10, NLT). We are Gods masterpiece. My mom was an artist. She took things that had often lost their beauty and made them beautiful. She could take a blank canvas and over time shape it into a beautiful masterpiece. God is the ultimate artist. He created our world with his very words. He sang creation into existence. He is creating a beautiful masterpiece of each of our lives. When He looks at us, He sees pure beauty, even when we dont. It may be locked deep within, but He is bringing it out with each stroke of His brush. A likeness is forming on the canvas, and that likeness is a reflection of His beauty. He uses His love to bring out our love. As we come to know Him, we become like Him. The gospel is His story of how He loves us. In loving us, He does for us what we cant do for ourselves. Religion says do this, live up to this, complete this and you will be okay. The gospel shouts, You are beautiful in His sight. Religion offers advice. The gospel is an announcement of good news that God has redeemed us and He is renewing us. Its an announcement that you are beautiful and the master artist is at work bringing it out. Restoration

As stated earlier, God will ultimately restore all things. That will be heaven. He hasnt given up. God created this world. Sin entered in leaving its ugly mark. We see it every day. Theres unimaginable sin resulting in grief and pain all around us. In the final chapter, we see a picture of a new heaven and a new earth. What God intended all along ultimately comes to past. All of creation is restored. For now He chooses to complete His story by rewriting our story and we get to enter into the story of others helping rewrite theirs. We get to participate. He is making His very appeal through us. Our Story Its easy to write a story and write what you only want others to read. Over time our stories become legends or maybe even fables. Reading my story and the story of my beautiful mom might leave you with the impression that she was near perfect or that we were near perfect. Not at all! Starting out we were a family in trouble. My mom had three children by the time she was twenty. My dad spent most of his time traveling, drinking and fighting with her and others. He was an angry man. I used to hide under the bed and cover my ears when I would hear them fighting. As the days progressed this endless cycle increased. In all probability we werent going to make it as a family. I was okay with that. I was tired. We all were tired.

I recall on one occasion my mom telling us to get into the car we were leaving. If dad wasnt home by a certain time, it wasnt going to be pretty. I fell at her feet and begged her to let me stay. Somehow, I felt the responsibility of caring for my dad. I could go on and on with the pain, but it has served its purpose. It began like a mustard seed and grew and grew. God redeemed, renewed and ultimately restored my family. He began with my Dad and made His way through our family. Our beautiful Savior took a dull gray existence and filled IT with the most beautiful of colors. What He did for us, He can do for you. When I stood and spoke those words at my moms funeral, they were a long time in the making. Yes indeed, God has set eternity in our hearts and Hes rewriting our story. And indeed they did live happily ever after!

Epilogue
On November 4, 2012, my mother passed away. It was my sons birthday. Just like this book, their stories will forever be intertwined. On November 7, 2012, I gave this eulogy in honor of my mom. I couldnt do it without the comfort of Jesus and the hope of heaven. I pray that you discovered or that you will discover this same comfort and hope in your time of great pain and grief. It still hurts. I still want my mama, but Im making my way through it with His help. I will see her again. My Mothers Eulogy On rare occasions one has the opportunity to meet and know a lady with the elegance and grace of Patricia Putman. For Jane, Cathy, Carole and I, we had the wonderful privilege of knowing her as Mom and my father to know her as his wife of 56 years. As you know, she was a beautiful woman. When she entered a room, she filled it with her elegance and grace. It didnt end there. She HAD the rare gift of a true beauty that was far beyond skin deep. The deeper you went, the more beauty you discovered. I caught Jane (my sister) reading Moms journal the other night. I asked her what it said. She replied, Love! Its just a big ole

book of love. Page after page, she expressed her love for her family and friends, and her gratefulness for her life. Part of her beauty was her ability to focus on whoever was in her presence. When you sat with her, it was if anyone and everything else disappeared. She deeply loved everyone. I will forever remember her as my number one fan, but it doesnt end there. She was yours, yours, yours, and yours. She really believed in each and every one of you. She loved her man. She loved her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren dearly. And we had the great joy of sharing her with you, because she loved you all. As I think of my Mom, I think what made her so beautiful was her simple faith. There were two verses that sum up how she lived her life. One is referred to as the Great Commandment. She loved God with all of her heart, mind and soul. And she loved her neighbor as she loved herself. The other we know as the Golden Rule, Treat others as you would have them treat you. She lived this out of her intimacy with Christ. The thing I admire most about my Mom was her ability to live life to the fullest in spite of her suffering. I never heard her complain. I once asked her about that and she replied, I can live or I can die, but I choose to live. And that she did. No one outside of my Dad will ever know how much she suffered, but we will know how much she lived because she never stopped living. She never stopped driving, she never stopped cooking, she never stopped going to church, and she never

stopped singing in the choir. Sure she slowed down, but she never stopped doing anything. On the day she was diagnosed with Leukemia, I called my Dad after he left the hospital and he told me the news. I said, Let me speak to Mom. He replied shes in Hobby Lobby. He was sitting in front of Hobby Lobby waiting on her. She was buying art supplies. In the darkest of moments Carole my youngest sister received a special gift. Over and over again she heard these words, This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. She immediately knew these words were a gift from Mom through the Spirit because this is what she would tell us. This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Mom lived her life that way. We all have so many beautiful memories of Mom, so many of you have shared them with us and as a family will hold onto them as our most treasured possessions. For me, one of my favorites was a trip we took together to New York City, just she and I. She was a woman of culture as you know and for a few days she was transported to another era and time. We took the trip in 2004 or 2005. She was entering what we now know was the spent phase of her disease. I wanted to do something special with her, so I gave her the trip for her birthday. It took us a year or so before she was healthy enough to go. Through her research and MD Andersons gift of healing, she was

given several wonderful years of quality of life that afforded us the opportunity to finally make our trip. I was concerned about taking this country girl to the city. What I learned was that this country girl was a city girl at heart. I had several days of business to attend to where she would have to occupy herself. On the first day, I dropped her off at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I gave her strict instructions: To go straight in and stay there until I call you. I will come and pick you up. When I arrived at my destination, I called her to make sure she made it in. However, she hadnt, she was standing outside the Museum just a few feet from Donald Trump, where they were taping the very first Apprentice show. When I finished my meetings that day, I rushed back to the museum to collect Mom, but she refused to come out. She begged me to let her stay and she did. She stayed and she stayed. She was in heaven. We spent several days taking in the sites, but somehow she mostly took in the people and they took her in too. If it wasnt the elderly Jewish man at a Broadway play, it was the African immigrant who drove the Yellow Cab. She shared her faith over and over again. It wasnt a chore to her; she was simply doing what was natural to her, loving people. On the last day, I had a morning meeting and by then she owned the town. I left her on her own. When I got back to the hotel, she was gone. I called. She was back at the MET. I called her and told her to grab a cab and get back; we had to go to the airport. I ended up

calling her three or four times before she would leave. We almost missed our flight. Like Dad said, there are so many deep and personal things we just dont know where to begin or end. For us, we will spend a lifetime remembering and sharing them. I did want to say before we leave this place that my mother was a beautiful woman because she had a beautiful Savior. She would want you to know that she is with Him. And the reason she is with Him isnt because she was beautiful, but because He made her beautiful. He made her beautiful by redeeming her, by taking all of her past, present, and future sins that she would ever commit and dying for them. Because of Him, she was able to live a guiltless life. Her heart had been redeemed. The capacity for all that goodness was placed within her. Thats why the deeper you went, the more beautiful she became. The deeper you went, the deeper you got to her source. Jesus is a beautiful savior because He redeemed her, but He is also a beautiful savior because He restored her. On Sunday morning my mother was restored. Her health was restored. She received her ultimate healing. Where she went, there are no tears because there is no more death, sorrow, crying, or pain. There is no polycythemia or Leukemia. Mom will forever be with us. Today, because of this, weve got more to live for than ever and at the same time more to die for than

ever. Perhaps for the first time I understand Pauls words when he said, For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. I love you Mom, and I cant wait to see you again.

a. Matt Redman, Blessed Be Your Name (Six Steps Records, 2005).