The Trouble With Talking Parrots

Rainbow Lorikeets

Weve all got one of those people in our lives. Who hasnt got a lovely person who has a knack for calling you at the worst possible moment? Like when youre elbow deep is dirty dishwater, like when youre watching a movie and it reaches the important bit, like when youre trying to convince your parrot that it wants a syringe full of medication (without being bitten) or when youve just sat down to a meal youve spent hours preparing.

Im related to one of those people. Gran has interrupted dinner so many times in the last fortnight that Im becoming pretty sure that shes doing it on purpose. Ive asked her not to call at a certain time, told her Ill call her but Im wasting my breath. She calls anyway. I cant call her earlier (she wont answer). I cant ignore her call because the call could be important, she has a tendency to end up in hospital. (She is pretty frail nowadays.) So every time it happens I groan and the meal Ive cooked goes cold. I have to admit, when the phone rings and its not easy to get to it, I may vent and say words that I shouldnt just before I pick it up to say a polite Hello. Yeah anyone reading this is cringing about now. Parrot people arent allowed to vent out loud.

Galahs/Rosebreasted Cockatoos. Nemo (front) and Merlin (rear) flying around the bird room, this is a behaviour that may also be known as unhooking toys from above and dropping them on unsuspecting flockmates who aren't loose at the time...

So you guessed it right? Now every time the phone rings, Ive got a parrot that yells BUG OFF! while Im trying to say Hello. I mean every time. It doesnt matter who is calling, if they ring all they can hear is a string of parrot abuse. My macaw Fid has this fantastic ability to make absolutely everything he says sound angry or sarcastic. He says Thanks in a way that drips sarcasm and gives the impression that hes thanking you for ruining his life. Hey! is a greeting at our house, but a reprimand if Fid yells it his way. Dont get me started on him asking if youre alright? He has a way of doing it that makes it sound like he thinks youre either crazy or just very very stupid and hes trying to work out why?

Fid isnt the only one who has been giving me a hard time verbally lately. My Eclectus Pepi has been paying very close attention to what is going on around him. He is the reason my dogs no longer come when called. He calls them constantly (using my voice) and they have finally worked out that if they hear me call them, it will be a false alarm. Consequently Ive had to develop a new call for the dogs, where I add a sense of extreme panic/urgency to my voice and say their name over and over very quickly with the clear implication that the world is going to end if they dont come. That works. They come. FAST. Pepi noticed this.

Male Eclectus parrot, Pepi

Meanwhile, Ive had some new glass sliding doors added to the house. Where there once was an open wall leading to the rear of the house, there now is a door. Pepi also noticed this. He waited until Amber (not the brightest puppy on the planet) was doing whatever she was doing at the rear of the house; then he called her with my new method of calling. Amber came running full pelt because the world was ending. SMACK. Apparently she was running too fast for her brain cells to cope with remembering the new doors. Pepi laughed. I did not. The impact has no doubt killed a few brain cells which may explain why she has been stupid enough to fall for this at least 3 times that Ive seen.

It occurred to me to take advantage of the sudden increase in my flocks vocabulary. Theyre almost picking up words before I can say them. Theyre in the mood to learn new things. Maybe just maybe I could try and get Fid to say something nice in a nice way, instead of something nice in a sarcastic way. I decided that I was over his sarcastic thanks (for ruining my life) when I give him something to eat. I decided Id prefer it if he actually appreciated the efforts of my slavedom with an encouraging YUM! when he sees his breakfast.

The cat always gets the best spot. From left: Oscar, Amber and Moono. Exhausted from being called non-stop or meowed at.

So I showed him his breakfast, looked him right in the eye and said YUM! His eyes pinned, so I knew he was listening and that it was a sound he was interested in. I repeated it a couple of times. His eyes were pinning repeatedly as he looked from his food to me and I could tell he was going to say something. I held my breath. Its alright! he said. His tone said that Id given him the most boring food ever, it was barely tolerable and just alright. I glared at him. This was worse than Thanks (for ruining my life).

It stuck. Now every time I walk up to him with food, I say Yum! but he looks at the food appraisingly then looks at me and says: Its alright. You can almost hear him sigh in resignation. Poor bird. His human just makes the most average meals. Yum! has become the cue for Its alright. Worse than that though, its sometimes the cue for Its alright followed by his sarcastic Thanks (for ruining my life).

Blue and Gold Macaw, Fid - likes to stash almonds down the side of my armchair.

Im going nuts. Ive got a lorikeet that adores the sound of the hacking cough I had when I last had the flu, 2 more lorikeets that prefer exaggerated sneezing, a couple of galahs that wont stop meowing, other galahs that think a quacking duck should live with us, combine all of that with a sarcastic macaw and a vindictive Eclectus who is desperately trying to kill my dogs Considering that most of them have learned to sing (off-key of course) Im never going to be lonely or bored.

On the bright side, once theyve learnt something I can add a cue to it. Theres nothing funnier than having a visitor try to tell you a story but every time they open their mouth your galah meows at them. It works better than a censoring sound effect bleep. Oh and telemarketers? I dont have to tell them to Bug Off myself anymore. Fid has that covered for me.

Rainbow Lorikeets, Lori and Dori about to go to sleep for the night. The only time they stop fake sneezing is when they are asleep.