SpecialissuewiththeSundayMagazine FromthepublishersofTHEHINDU AGEING:October18,1998

Thenestisempty
KausalyaSanthanam ThememorydisturbsmefromtimetotimethoughitisalmostayearnowsinceI sawher.Whyisitthatahalfhourconversationwithacompletestranger continuestotroublemeso? Frailandwelldressed,shewasseatedonaraisedplatformoutsidetheprakaraof ahugetempleinthecity.Alittledistanceaway,Iwasimpatientlywaitingforthe cartopickmeup.Weslowlygottalking. Shesaidshelivedallbyherselfinanapartmentclosetothetemple.Heronlyson hadboughttheflatforherbuthewasawayinEnglandwithhisfamily.Shehad gonethererecentlyonasixmonthvisabuthadreturnedafterbarelysixweeks unabletobearthecold.HerdaughterswereinChennaibuttheylivedattheother endofthecitybusywiththeirfamilies,involvedintheirownlives.Shewasable tovisitthemjustonceortwiceamonth. Herairofcompletelonelinessalliedwithaquietdignitytouchedme.WhenIgot uptoleave,Iblurtedoutimpulsively"Whydon'tyouvisitussomeday?" Ofcourseshenevercame. Theoldladyisoneofthousandswhonowformpartofthefastswellingsegment oftheelderlytheparentsofNonResidentIndianswhoareleftheretofendfor themselves.Someofthemmarkthehoursatsabhasandtempleswhilehalfway acrosstheglobe,thetimeracesbyfortheirchildren. Saysacoupleintheirseventieswhosechildrenhavemigrated,"Bothoursonand daughterinlawaresobusyintheStatesthatwhenwegotherewefeelwearea burdentothem.Wepreferredtocomebackthoughwehavetobearthe responsibilityofmaintainingourhouseandproperty,anddaytodaylifeisvery hard." Theyoungstersleavewhentheyareintheirlateteensorearlytwenties.The parentsarethenjustintheirlatefortiesorearlyfifties.Theywantthebestfortheir childrenanditisoftentheywhoencouragetheyoungtogoabroad.When educationalopportunitiesareblockedordenied,thebestoptionseemstobeto

leaveforuniversitiesoutsidethecountry.A sectionofthestudentsandjobseekersintendsto returnhome.Astheyearsgoby,theyget entrenchedinfulfillingcareersinthecountryof theirmigrationandgetusedtoamuchbetter standardofliving.Anditbecomesmoreand moredifficulttocomeback. Theparentsmeanwhilearenolongerasfitas before.Theachesandpainsbeginastheageing processinexorablysetsin.Retirementbrings plentyofleisurebutwherearethegrandchildren whosecompanytheylookedforwardto?Pridein thechildren'sachievementsisovertakenbythe yearningtobewiththem.Spacioushomesthat onceseemedtoosmallforthechildrenandtheir friendstoplayinnowmeanmoredrudgery,todustandmaintain.Thosewho movetosmallerflatsmanagebetterbutthetiesthatbindtheelderlytotheirown homearestrongandmanyofthemarereluctanttomove.Owingtothemass migration,onecomesacrossrowsofhousesincertainpartsofChennaiinhabited onlybytheelderly. Lifeinoldagecontinuestobeworkandworry.Onehastomanagethefinances, takecareofone'shealthandhomewithoutthehelpofchildren. "Love"isthevoiceonthetelephonetalkingtooldmumanddad,concerned definitelybutunabletohelpthemtideovertheproblemsandpinpricksofeach day. "Concern"isthemessageontheInternet,affectionate,teasingandanecdotal,yet merelyblackprintonwhitescreen.Itisnotthegoldentones,thewarmsmileor eventhedisapprovingfrownonewantstohearandsee.Allcaringisbyproxy thenurseengagedwhenill,thearrangementsmade,themoneypaidthroughthe bankaccount. Thechildrentoowishthattheywerewiththeirparentsbuttheirjoband circumstanceskeepthemapart.IftheyhavesiblingsinIndia,theresponsibilityof caringfortheparentsisbornebythem.Theyresentitsometimesandmakeit evident. Theyearlyorthebiennialvisitistherainbowonthehorizon.Thehouseis sprucedupanditisspringtimefortheparents.Whengrandchildrencomehome, atfirstthealienfeelingisstriking,thedrawlintheirvoices,theshrugofthe shoulders,thetooexpressivefacesnotunattractive,butdifferent.Itisnota relationshiponecanflowinstantlyinto.(SomeparentsofNRI'sfretthatina generationortwo,theirfamilieswillcompletelylosetheirIndianidentity).Before onegetstoreallyknowthem,thevisitisoverandtheyaregone.Onewaitsfor thenextvisit.Perhapsnextyear,orthenext,orthenext...

Settlingdownwiththemigrantsabroadposesitsowndifficulties.Onehasto whileawaythelong,solitaryhourswhentheyoungarebusyatwork."Agilded cage"ishowmanyparentsviewit.Unlessoneknowstodrive,thelackof mobilityconfinesyoutothefourwallsofthehouse,andthereareveryfew peopleyoucantalkto.Neighbourshavenotime,forotherthanabrief"Good morning"or"Hello". "Generally,mostoftheparentswhovisittheirchildrenarelonely,"saysPadmini, aresidentofHouston."Incertainareasandcitieshowevertheyarehappierthan inothersbecauseofthehighconcentrationofIndianslivingthere.Theyvisitone anotherandmeetatconcertsandtemples. Sujatha,aresidentofTorontospeaksofthelonelinessoftheparentsofmigrants fromNorthIndiawhoarenotveryeducated.Theirhomesaresmallandtheold fathersareliterallyforcedoutofthesmallflatsintheevenings,shesays.Theysit ingroupsonthelawnsoftheshoppingmallschattingandplayingcards.They havenomoneytoevenbuythemselvesacupoftea.Becauseoftheirdistinctive dressandappearancetheyareviewedwithhostilitybythelocalswhosometimes passderisiveremarks."Malerats"theycallthem.Theoldwomenfarebetter becausetheirdaughtersinlaworsonsensurethattheyareengagedasshop assistantsorbabysitters. ParentsofthosewholiveinotherIndiancitiesorinotherareasofthesamecity nowadaysoftenleadlonelylives.Butthebestofthechildrencananddovisit theirparentsoften.Distresscallscanbringthemtoone'ssideovernightorinan houriftheyaresoinclined.BothdistanceandexpenseseparatetheNRIsonor daughterfromtheparents. Eachfamilytacklestheseproblemsinitsownway.ThevisitsofchildrentoIndia andthoseoftheparentsabroadarestaggeredsothattheymeetatregularintervals. AsectionoftheparentsofNRIsspendsixmonthsinIndiaandsixmonthswith theirchildrenabroad.Othersreluctanttoleavethecomfortandfamiliarityoftheir homeandcountryrarelyventureonthelongjourneybyair.Astheygrowolder andmorefeeble,thejourneyislessinviting.(Fortheelderlythedreadoffallingill orbecomingbedriddenintheirownhomeisbadenoughtheinconvenienceand expensetheirchildrenwouldbeputtoabroadisfrightening). Theymanagewellenoughwhentheyareyoung.Itisnoproblemwhenfitand agiletofetchtheplumber,runuptotheshoptobuytheextrakilogrammeof sugarorclimbuptheladdertoreplacethefusedbulb.Inacountrywheremostof usdonotlearntodealwithpracticalchores,eachlittletaskseemsfraughtwith difficultyasfacultiesweakenandhouseholdhelpandskilledlabourare increasinglydifficulttoobtain.Theineffectiveinfrastructuremakeslifearduous fortheagedwholivealone. TheaverageIndian'slifeistotallycentredaroundthefamily.Sincetilla generationago,jointfamilieswerethenorm,andweareunpreparedforbeingleft aloneorinpairs.Thequalityofdetachmentisnotdeveloped.

Highlyemotionalandtalkative,wefindsilenceunnerving.Coupleswhohavenot developedanyhobbyfeellostoncetheyretire.Childrenprovidethesolebonding sometimesbetweencouplesandasconversationusuallyrevolvesaroundthem,a thickfogofsilencesurroundstheelderlywholivealone. Oldcoupleswhosechildrenseldomvisitthemalsofacegreaterriskofcrime.The agedwhoareunprotectedbyyoungerfamilymembersarevulnerabletorobbery andassault. ThoughtheparentsofNRIswhowereinterviewedadmittedtofeelinglonelyand findinglifedifficult,manyofthemweresensitiveofhurtingtheirchildren's feelingsanddidnotwanttheirnamesrevealed."Mysonhasbeenawayforseven yearsandIhavenotyetstartedmissinghim",saysDr.VijayKumar, anaesthesiologistwhosesonwenttotheU.S.soonafterhegraduated."My daughterisgoingtheresoontodoherPhd.Wehavetoletthechildrengosothat theyacquiregoodeducationthereandareabletostandontheirownfeet." FortheRamamurthys,theirlittlegrandchildisthepersontheymissthemost."My onlysonleftfortheU.S.inMayandwemisshimdreadfully,"saysMrs. Ramamurthy."Sincewelongforourfourmontholdgranddaughterourson sendsusherphotographsandvideofilmandwealsohearhervoiceonthe telephone." "MywifeandIacceptedlongagothatconsideringthegloballevelopportunities nowavailable,ourchildrenwillbeemployedelsewhere,soithasn'tcomeasa surprisethatbothoursonanddaughterareintheU.S.Iwillnotcallthembackas theyhavefulfillingcareers",saysDr.V.C.Kulandaisamy,formerVice ChancelloroftheAnnaUniversity."Ihaven'tthoughtofsettlingabroadasI'm deeplyinvolvedinwhatishappeninginthecountryinthepolitical,socialand educationalspheres." AttachmenttoherowncountrykeepsMrs.Dyanasekharanhappytoothoughher onlydaughterhasbeenawayintheU.S.formanyyears.Mrs.Dyanasekharan visitshernowandthenbutpreferstostayinherownlargehouseinChennai. "ThoughI'mcomfortableintheU.S.,I'mtooIndiantoliveabroad.Iseevery littleofmydaughterandherfamilywhenIvisither.Mymanyinterestsand friendskeepmecheerfulandhappyhere." TheRamaswamys**regretthatboththeirmarrieddaughtersaresettledinthe U.S."Wedidnotknowthatlifewouldbesobleakwithoutthemhereandso lonelyforuswhenwevisitthemthere.Wearefinanciallywelloffbutlackof companionshipisdepressing."TheydonotlikelifeintheWest"Althoughwe havecompletefreedominourdaughter'shouseswedonotfeelathome. "Duringthesummerholidaysourchildrenaredesperatethatwevisitthemand carefortheirchildren.Atourage,itisphysicallyexhaustingtotakecareoflively sixandsevenyearolds."Thankstothehelpofgoodhouseholdstaffweareable tocarryoninIndia.Butwhatwillhappenwhenoneofuspredeceasesthe other?,"theyworry.

SomeparentsofNRIsturntooldagehomes.TheNayaJyotiCharitiesTrusthas establishedanoldagehomeatPanaiyurnearChennaiwhichoffersallfacilities forthoseusedtoacertainstandardofliving.Dr.M.S.Srinivasan,thefounderof thehomewhostayedfornearlytwodecadesintheU.S.beforesettlingdownin ChennaisaysthehomeisadvertisedonthewebsitetoosothatNRIscanspotit. Afinelocationnearthesea,excellentfood,comfortablerooms,medicaland recreationalfacilitieskeeptheresidentshappy. Mrs.Rajalakshmi'ssonwholivesabroadhascontributedRs.onelakhsothathis motherandsistercanmoveinhere. Mr.Eswaran(89)alsodoesnotmindthefactthatheisinahomefortheaged. Hiswifedied20yearsagoandhestayedwithhissoninNewJerseyfor10years beforereturningtoIndia.Hewouldnotlikehissontocomebackthoughhe misseshisgrandchildren. Therearecoupleswhoseideologicaldifferencesresultinoneofthemmovingto theWestandtheotherremainingbehindinthecountry.Mr.Shailendra**isa residentattheNayaJyotihomehiswifeisintheU.S.withtheirson. "Ididnotwanthimtogoabroadasthecountryhasspentsomuchoneducating him,"saysthefatheroftheITIgraduate."Peopleareattractedtomoney,andso heleft." TheSubramanians**howeverfeelthattheywouldnotliketheirtwodaughtersto returntoIndiaunlessconditionschangehere.Theyaredisillusionedwiththeir country. TheyareveryhappyontheirlongvisitstotheirdaughterandfindAmericans morefriendlyandhelpfulthantheIndianshere,"Thesystemworksperfectlyand medicalhelpisreadilyavailable.Thereareseniorcitizenclubswecangotoand weenjoythelongwalksanddrives.Wefeelmuchsaferthere."Itisonlybecause theydonotwanttodeprivetheirdaughtersofahomeinIndiatheycontinueto stayhere. TheSubramaniansareexceptionsratherthantherule.MostparentsofNRIs wouldlovetohavetheirchildrenwiththem.Knowingthattheirchildrenwillnot return,andunabletointegratewiththelifestyleoftheWest,theystoicallystay backreconciledtotheirlot. *Nameschangedonrequest

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