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EXT. KNOE NEWS TRUCK - DAY Rain is coming down on a newstruck as MARVIN, 38, local KNOE news producer, comes running back into the truck. His camera operator JAY, 50s, is drinking some coffee, reading a local paper, just here to do his job. MARVIN I dont fucking believe this. JAY (not looking up) Whats that? MARVIN Theres a hundred different people around and the only one willing to give me a quote didnt see anything. JAY Yeah? Whats his name? Marvin pulls out his notepad and tries to make out the waterspotted ink. MARVIN Ricardo...Meels? JAY You mean Richardo Miles? MARVIN Is that really how you pronounce it, with the cha sound? I thought I misheard him. JAY If its the guy Im thinkin of, thats how you say it. Whatd he give you? Marvin flips his notepad over. MARVIN It's kind of startling for the residents. We're not accustomed to this kind of activity. Some people are pretty scared. They're nervous." Jay starts laughing.

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JAY Yeaaaah, Richardo would say something that idiotic. Hes inbred, its a fact. MARVIN I mean, were in St. Joseph, Louisiana, no shit youre not accustomed this kind of activity. JAY Im surprised you got three syllable words out of him. MARVIN Yeah, well, this is all we have to go with. Cops arent saying anything more interesting. Just as he says this, an INTERN, 17, stupid excited all the time, runs to the back of the van. INTERN Mr. Gardin sir, the police are ready to make an announcement! Apparently the terrorist has-MARVIN Hes not a terrorist, intern, hes just a bank robber. He could be a creole Robin Hood for all we know. INTERN Sorry, Mr. Gardin. The bank robber has made his demands! Marvin grabs the kid by the collar. MARVIN Goddammit, intern, way to be on top of it! You get Hallie from the Starbucks and get makeup to put her face back on! Jay, get your ass in gear, we need a shot of the police colonel making the announcement! Ive gotta tweet about this! Intern nods excitedly and scrambles away. Jay sighs, takes the last sip of his coffee, and gets up, hauling his camera out of the van as Marvin walks away, tapping on his phone furiously. CUT TO:

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EXT. - TENSAS STATE BANK - DAY Microphones are set up for police superintendant COLONEL MIKE EDMONSON, a red faced man with a caterpillar mustache and serious southern drawl. Hes taking his moment in the spotlight very seriously as he nods to the reporters. Intern comes up to Marvin as Jay sets up his shot. MARVIN Where the fuck is Hallie? INTERN She says shell be down soon Mr. Gardin. Theyre interrupted by Edmonson. EDMONSON Thank you, members of the press. Glad to see yall got your umbrellas for your cameras. Slight murmur of chuckles. EDMONSON (CONTD) Likely youve heard, our boy in there has made a couple demands, and Ive been okayed to relay those to you. Although we dont negotiate with terrorists-Marvin rolls his eyes. INTERN (to himself) I knew it. EDMONSON --we are doing our best to return the 2 hostages safely to their families. Edmonson ceremoniously pulls out a sheet of paper and a pair of reading glasses to read the demands. EDMONSON (CONTD) This piece of paper was attached to a hostage this man released earlier today. It says, This is a gesture of goodwill. I will not harm my remaining captives unless the following demands are met. Number 1: please send...a large bottle of Tums.

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Marvins eyes go wide. He cant believe hes hearing this. Other reporters around him nod. EDMONSON (CONTD) And Number 2: I will need to use the restroom at some point, but this one is out of order. Please also send febreeze and hand sanitizer. If these demands are met I will release the prisoners immediately. MARVIN Colonel, you will be providing the...terrorist with his requests, wont you? These are peoples lives were talking about. EDMONSON As I said before, member of the press, the St. Joseph county police department has a strict policy of non-negotiation with terrorists. As such, our hostage specialist will do his best to talk this man down without giving him a single damn thing. The civilian onlookers give a cheer. Edmonson waves to them. EDMONSON (CONTD) Thats all I can say at this time, thank you! Marvin turns away shaking his head. MARVIN (to himself) In all my years of reporting, Ive never heard of such-RICHARDO Hey! Reporter fella! Richardo is walking over, his mud-spattered mountain bike in tow. He waves at Jay. RICHARDO (CONTD) Hey Jay! I dont have time to talk now, Ive got a serious tip for Marv here. JAY Whatever.

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MARVIN Whats this tip Ricar--Mr. Miles. RICHARDO Well sir, I was able to find out who that man is in there. MARVIN You were.? RICHARDO Yup. I called my sister slash wife, and she says its my cousin slash nephews brother-in-law, Pedro. Turns out my cousin fixed him some of her famous crawdaddy chili, and I guess it didnt take kindly to Pedros stomach on account of hes susceptible to heartburn. He left the house looking like he was going on a rampage. MARVIN ...no kidding? Jay, didnt you mention the pharmacy down the block was closed today? JAY I did indeed. Something about a gator getting inside and stuck in a Red Box machine. Marvin thinks a beat. HALLIE, platinum blonde KNOE on-screen personality, just makes it over. HALLIE Whatd I miss? My espresso artist Brad had to finish my vanilla soy latte. CLOSE on Marvin, having his Eureka moment. MARVIN You better hope he made it a double Hallie...youre about to break the biggest story St. Joseph has ever seen. SMASH CUT TO BLACK