Gods Help for the Family - Part 3

October 28, 2007

When the Marriage Gets Messy

Ecclesiastes 5:4-6
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 9Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 4When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. 5It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. I want to talk to the times in our marriage when they get messy. Theres not a married person in this place who's not looked at their marriage at one time or another and asked, "Did I make the right decision?" There are a lot of things that can make marriage messy:
Sermon Publication of First Baptist Church
1. 2. 3. Communication Breakdowns Infidelity Constant fighting Physical abuse Emotional abuse Spouse money Boredom doesn't make enough

I'll share something I think is humorous:

"THE IDEAL WIFE - What every man expects" always beautiful and cheerful could have married movie stars but wanted only you beauty that doesn't run in a rainstorm never sick, just allergic to jewelry and expensive perfumes insists that moving furniture by herself is good for her figure expert at cooking, cleaning the house, painting, fixing the car and, and staying quiet favorite hobbies -- mowing the lawn and shoveling snow hates charge cards favorite expression - "What can I do for you dear?" thinks that you have an Einstein brain but looks like Mr. America wishes you would go out with the boys so she can get some sewing done loves you because your so sexy THE IDEAL WIFE - here's what he gets: she speaks 140 wpm, with gusts up to 180 a "light" eater - when it's light out she starts to eat where there's smoke, there she is . . . cooking let's you know you have only two faults - everything you see, everything you do no matter what she does with it her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory. "THE IDEAL HUSBAND - what every women expects:" he will be a brilliant conversationalist very sensitive man, kind, understanding truly loving, hard working help around the house by washing dishes, vacuuming, doing laundry, keeps things neat someone who helps raise the children a man of emotional & physical strength as smart as Albert Einstein and handsome as Brad Pitt THE IDEAL HUSBAND - what she gets: he always takes her to the restaurants, someday he may even take her inside he doesn't have ulcers, he gives them anytime he has an idea in his head, he has the whole thing in a nutshell known as a miracle-worker - its a miracle when he works

First Baptist Pulpit

Preached by Pastor David Saylor

4. 5. 6. 7.

Many times we have a HIGH IDEALISM that we bring into marriage - a Pollyanna idea of what marriage will be, a fairy tale that can't come true.

3 When the Marriage Gets Messy.lwp

First Baptist Church v 240 Hillstown Road v Manchester, CT 06040 v (860)649-7509

believes making a balanced meal for the kids is where they have a 50/50 chance of survival supports his wife in a manner in which she is accustomed - he lets her keep her job such a bore he bores you when he gives you a complement has occasional flashes of silence that makes his conversation brilliant. Golden rule of any marriage - what you want in your spouse, begin to produce first in your own life.

When I do weddings I often have this feeling. I walk out and there's this beautiful couple who are beautifully dressed, more than any other day of their lives, and they stand and I share that they are about to exchange wedding vows. I've often felt that I'd like to stop the ceremony and ask them if they understand that their going through something more that just a ritual -- something more than a ceremony that's nice that bring tears to the eyes of their loved ones as they see then on their best day saying things like "to have and to hold from this day forward."

And when things get tough - go back to the basics. Today I want to cover some of them (not whole answer, but I believe a significant part). Two main areas need to understand from a Biblical perspective.

I. REMEMBER YOUR COVENANT BEFORE GOD.

You see, we're different, we're Christians. When we stand in a church and take our vows, it really is a covenant. It is made, not before friends and relatives only - its made before GOD. You're marriage vows are in the form of a covenant.
THERE ARE THREE PARTIES God enters into the relationship. Three Parts:

1. GOD'S PART It all started in Genesis when God said: Genesis 2:18 18Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him. (NLT). Even when they sinned, God did not look down and said, "That's it, you're finished, you're not good for each other. Forget the marriage." No, he immediately instituted a plan to redeem man and woman. He provided for their fallenness so they could go on. And we see that God is a stickler about vows, isnt he? Covenants are meant to be kept, not broken. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 4When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. 5It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Leviticus 5:4 If anyone makes a rash vow, whether the vow is good or bad, when he realizes what a foolish vow he has taken, he is guilty. (LB) Numbers 30:2 When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. (NIV)
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You see words like "to have and to hold" is a Biblical foundation youre giving yourself away to the other person -- it's two becoming one, -- it's saying that I can 't put my needs first anymore. "from this day forward" is a picture of permanence. Not "from this day forward if everything happens to go OK -- if finances are there, we keep our jobs, and these feeling stay in place. No, "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health." The very construction of the vows present the ups and downs of life, they tell you that there's going to be some amazing tough sledding in this marriage! So god is involved in a Christians marriage. But rather than that being a negative, this is a great positive! This should give every one of us here great hope.
Have you ever had to fix your car? Have you ever tried to do it yourself? I am a do it yourselver so I usually try to fix my car myself before I bring it in. Let me tell you what I find invaluable. (show shop manual) This shop manual was written with information from the maker of my automobile. It shows all its parts and how it was put together. It tells me how I can keep my car running at top efficiency and what to do when something breaks. Without this help from the maker I could never fix my car. Well, Im sure you have figured out what Im trying to say. God is not an intruder in our marriage, but he interesting to our covenant to give us his amazing how. After all he is the maker, the originator, hes the Henry T. Ford of marriage. In this book (the Bible) is the shop manual of our lives, including marriage.

Now, there are obviously two more parties in this covenant vow. 2. WOMAN'S PART The husband and wife take a vow before God to love, honor, and obey. And they make it as long as they both shall live. Serious stuff.

Now, if I could sum it up (which I really cant) I would say the primary function of the husband and wife is found in one verse: Ephesians 5:33 33However, each one of you (husbands) also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)
Respect. It's a difficult covenant for many women (seeing some of your husbands, I know why that is). Doesn't means husband is supposed to be domineering, controlling cruel or abusive at all - nothing I hate worse than to see a husband who does not take care of his wife. (Mark a man by how he takes care of his wife.)

II. REMEMBER YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOUR SPOUSE.

I spoke of commitment two weeks ago, but we need to go further today. The concept of Commitment is foreign territory in our throw-away culture. If you're my age (25) or younger you are part of it. This disposable generation has a hard time understanding commitment.
Dr. Robert Taylor in his book The Art of Staying Together says, "We are now living in a age of disposability -- use it once, throw it away. During the past decade has developed a feeling that relationships are equally disposable."

3. MAN'S PART: The husband, likewise, is called upon to fulfill one major responsibility in the covenant: husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her .." (Ephesians 5:25). While the wife is called upon to love her husband enough to live for him, the husband is called upon to love his wife enough to die for her." I need to love Nina enough to be willing to die for her. Some of us husbands don't love our wife's enough to even spend time with them. Were Jerks (that Greek for lousy husbands). We are to nurture, to build up, to care for (physically, emotionally, spiritually). Husbands, listen - you and I are responsible ones to fix the problem. O Ever have a fight, an argument? - that's simple, guys, always our responsibility fix it. To go first. You should be the first one to apologize. O "But pastor, she's wrong?" I know that. That's not what the Bible is concerned with. It's your job to seek to fix it." Jesus is our model husbands -- he always took the initiative - he went to the cross for us - was he wrong? No, he was sinless, but he First Loved US. O God deliver us from one more man who has an ego problem. (Don't get married, live by yourself) Listen Guys, you hunks of non-communicators. Humble yourself and start fixing the issue. A good husband makes a good wife.
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Commitment is an "old fashioned" concept, but it is so important to keeping a marriage together. Love is a commitment, feelings or no feelings. Love is based on one's vow, one's word, one's promise. Feelings come and go, they rise and fall, they are frequent and infrequent. But Commitment stays the same. The naiveness of people always amazes me when in come to this commitment of marriage. Marriage is not easy. It's for tough people who understand commitments and whimps (self-centered) who can't keep commitments shouldn't get married! If you're a quitter in life I've got news for you, don't get married -- you'll not only mess up your life but you'll mess up some else's life too! (Dave this is good preaching this morning!) [Convenience vs. Commitment} There are TWO kinds of people in life. What I am about to give you is some of the most important truth that you will ever hear about having a happy, successful life. There are two kinds of people -Convenience people and Committed people. The difference between these two types of living and people, this can be the most important information you may ever hear. This is about to walk into you life and help you in almost every area if you'll let me. Forget marriage -Do you want to talk about making money (I can tell you how to do that), . . .

have a long lasting relationship with a good friend, . . . pick good employees, ... Be good at a sport be successful in a ministry over the course of your life (I can help you do that). I'm gonna give you a formula that will make the difference between whether your gonna win or lose - at life, including marriage: In fact, if you want to find a mate to marry, use this list and find somebody that is on the right side... Note the differences between Convenience People and Committed People...

CONVENIENCE PEOPLE

COMMITTED PEOPLE CHARACTER Based People - A world of difference between "do I make decisions out of emotion or out of character?"

1. EMOTION Based People

by their emotions

- basically ruled and controlled

2. Q -"What is EASIEST?" 3. "When I feel good then I'll DO IT." 4. Controlled by MOODS. (how I feel) 5. A SELFISH mindset. - basically want everybody to cater
to them

"What is RIGHT ?" "When I DO IT then I'll feel difference between these two Controlled by PRIORITIES .
A SERVANT person.

good." - there's a world of

mindset. - always thinking of the other

6. Life and lips DISAGREE_ . (not consistent, can't

depend on them)

Life and lips AGREE. Looks for SOLUTIONS - only difference why some marriages break up and others don't. "Marriages that break up don't break up because have problems that are more severe than marriages that stay together." But look for a way out.
You don't have to be married for 1 wk. before you can start finding reasons why maybe you shouldn't be married. "maybe I goofed" Are you looking for excuses? Are you going to always be looking for exits? . . . If you look for exits in your marriage, you'll look for exits in your business, decision-making. This affects everything you do.

7. Looks for EXCUSES - always looking for reasons why

they can't, shouldn't, didn't & won't.

8. 9.

OUTWARDLY QUITS

influenced. - surroundings, friends, trends

INWARDLY

influenced. -a MAJOR DIFFERENCE during tough times.

during tough times.

CONTINUES

10. This person WHINES.

This person WINS.- lot of difference between being a winner and whiner.

What I'm saying that if you learn to become a Committed person, if you learn to start living out of the right hand column, you'll not only do well in your marriage, you do well in your job, your relationships, your ministry. You'll have respect of people and integrity before God. If you are not married and you want to be someday - and you want to know WHO to marry? Please, find someone who fits onto the Right Hand side of this chart and you will do very well. AND YOU start working on your character to be a person who lives from the right hand side!
Your life will be very good if you'll live on the right side, just as life will be a continual roller coaster if you choose to live on the left. That's character.

Poll - how many married folks who have at least once gotten Disgusted with your mate? Why are they together still? Simple, "I've had issues in my life, but I'm not gonna quit." It's called "commitment" So remember your commitment to your spouse How To Another Create Commitment To One

Character: "The ability to carry out a resolution long after the mood in which it was made is past."

Haven't we all made decisions we wish we hadn't have made? Should you follow through on them? I don't know - it depends if youre a person of character or not?
Magazine in Doctor's office: "We hear it almost every day, sigh, sigh. I just can't get motivated to lose weight, watch my blood sugar, exercise. . . We have news for you -=motivation is not going to strike you like lightning. Motivation is not something someone else (nurse, doctor, loved one) is going to bestow upon you. In fact, Motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. JUST DO IT -- Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, whatever. Do it without motivation and then guess what, after you start doing it, you'll discover that's when the motivation comes and makes you want to keep on doing it. YOU SEE, motivation is like love and happiness, it's a BY-PRODUCT."

1. Make a character commitment - go to the right side and make some changes. 2. Focus on what is right with the marriage. 3. Begin doing things and having time together. 4. Become other-person focused. 5. Be patient and tolerant (if you have trouble have friend point out all your faults). 6. Verbalize your commitment to each other. CONCLUSION As you leave today I have a handout for all you married people (or anyone who would like one). Its called The Ten Commandments for Making a Marriage Work. It summaries a lot of what weve been covering Making a marriage work always starts with YOU. Its a matter of character first. This morning Im inviting anyone who has a desire to become more like the right column in their character to come to the front for a prayer of commitment. Starting today I want to be a person whos life from this moment forward is one of Christian integrity and commitment. One people can look at and see that God is working. Will you come and we will pray together.

Some of you are waiting for this incredible feeling to hit you. It's not gonna hit you. You're saying "If I could just feel something for my spouse, then I could love him/her." It's not going to happen (maybe I shouldnt have said that). I'll tell you what to do -- Get on the right side of the table, start loving him/her by your committed actions, and then you'll start feeling something. You see (I'll say it again) there's two types of people in this world: Those who say "I've got to feel it before I do it" they're the losers. They've lost yesterday, they will loose today, they'll loose tomorrow. It's a guarantee. "I must do it before I feel good" These are the people who constantly do the right things, who don't get themselves into more and more problems, and who feel better than anyone else.
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A Prayer for Your Marriage

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR MAKING A MARRIAGE WORK

1. Make COMMITMENT not FEELING the foundation of your marriage. 2. Learn to draw a very LARGE CIRCLE OF LOVE. 3. Continually say POSITIVE THINGS to your spouse. Are you continually saying "you always. . . you never . . ."? 4. Never go to bed at night ANGRY WITH EACH OTHER.
EPH. 4:26-27 In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
The issue is not your anger, issue is how your handle it.

I am standing for the healing of my marriage! I won't give up, give in, give out or give over till that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said words, I gave a pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted God, and said words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad, so I'm standing now, and won't sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down look down, or be down till the breakdown is torn down! I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what's trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist god's will, rewrite God's Word, violate God's covenant, or accept what god hates, namely divorce. In a world of filth, I will stay pure. Surrounded by lies, I will speak the truth. Where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God. Where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse. And where the odds are stacked against me, I'll trust in God's faithfulness. I'm a stander, and I won't acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit... I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome. I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor the economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up till my marriage is healed up. Amen.

5. FORGIVE YOUR SPOUSE. 6. VISUALIZE what your lives can be TOGETHER. THAT'S WHAT MADE DATING SO EXCITING . . 7. Consider what GOD WANTS in this situation, not what YOU WANT. 8. HUMBLE YOURSELF BEFORE YOUR MATE.
Marriage is supposed to be a very humbling institution.

9. DO NOT GIVE UP. 10. PRAY FOR EACH OTHER AND TOGETHER REGULARLY.