SOPRANOS AND THE CITY

The Crossover Episode

"There's a First Time For Everything"

Written

by

Shintaro Shimosawa & James Morris

First Draft
February 20, 2002
FADE IN:

The New York City skyline twinkles with falling snowflakes.

It's a Winter Wonderland. Snow-globe perfect.

CARRIE (V.O.)
The distinction between sex and
love is as profound as the
distinction between Manhattan and
New Jersey.

We continue across the George Washington bridge and beyond as

the sounds of the city fade into the more calming New Jersey.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Although interconnected, one is
louder and more frenetic on the
outside, while the latter is just
as intense - but on the inside.

INT. THE OFFICE - DAY

TONY SOPRANO walks in circles and furiously WAVES his cell

phone trying to get reception. PAULIE and SILVIO stand by,
waiting for him to finish.

TONY
(into phone)
Carm. I can't hear you. Yeah. I'll
be home in a bit. I'm dealing with
something here.

He hangs up. Turns to Paulie, angry.

TONY (CONT'D)
Now explain this to me again. You
invested money? You know how stupid
that is?

SILVIO
I told him....

PAULIE
It's safe, Ton. Put it in a
hedgefund. I got a guy who owes me
from an unpaid vig. He cleans it
first and pays out from another
account.

TONY
When have I ever said it was okay
to invest?

PAULIE
What was I supposed to do? I'm
sitting on a lot of cash.

(CONTINUED)
 2.
CONTINUED:
SILVIO
The Jersey City thing is bringing
in eighty large and we need a place
to clean it. He's got a point.

TONY
So buy a car wash in Hoboken. I
don't care. But it has to be local
so we can control it.

SILVIO
That's what I told him.....

TONY
Get your money back.

PAULIE
But I already signed off on it.

Tony shoots him a stern look.

TONY
Get your money back.

He leaves. Paulie slumps.

SILVIO
I told you.

INT. FIFTH AVENUE AND FORTY NINTH STREET - DAY

A winter blizzard in Uptown.

CARRIE and STANFORD BLATCH stand in the middle of the icy

street, struggling against the cold - both wrapped in faux
fur.

Actually, Stanford's is real.

STANFORD
Stop. Please?! Have a heart!

They try and flag down cabs, unsuccessfully and duck back
into Saks. Shivering.

INT. SAKS FIFTH AVENUE - CONTINUOUS

STANFORD
I can't do this anymore. My face
hurts. It's too cold. Why do you
have to be uptown so soon anyway?

CARRIE
I'm late. I promised Aidan I would
meet him.

(CONTINUED)
 3.
CONTINUED:
STANFORD
So why did you meet me downtown?

CARRIE
Tashimaya. Sale.

STANFORD
Care.

CARRIE
Let's try one more time - please,
Stanford. Be a man. Have some
cojones.

STANFORD
Not today. Today is not be-a-man
day. I'm not going back out there
until the Spring collection.

She grabs Stanford and PUSHES him back outside.

INT. THE SCOUT BAR - LATER

AIDAN waits at the bar, STEVE polishes glasses behind it.

Carrie comes RUSHING in, bundled up, full of shopping bags,
wrestling her way through the doorway.

CARRIE
I am SO sorry I'm late. I'm like
frigging - Nanook of the North out
there...

Aidan pops up, grabs a mug of beer and gives it to her.

AIDAN
Here. Drink this.

Carrie starts un-layering.

CARRIE
It's two in the afternoon.

AIDAN
Just taste it.

CARRIE
This is why I rushed over here? So
we could drink beer?

STEVE
(laughing)
Come on. Drink it. It's good...

CARRIE
(a beat)
Are you two drunk?

(CONTINUED)
 4.
CONTINUED:
STEVE
This here is a celebration.

AIDAN
We got the financing. Steve and I
don't have to close the bar.

Carrie lights up. They toast.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Aidan and Steve had just gotten
much needed financing to reopen
their place, The Scout Bar. It was
a sloppy afternoon of beer-guzzling
and picking jukebox songs. Across
town -

INT. UPPER EAST MANHATTAN APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING

CHARLOTTE chews her lower lip. TREY is on top of her making

love. Just as it escalates....

CARRIE (V.O.)
Charlotte York, in her unrelenting
pursuit to become pregnant, was
going to get fertilized...

The front door OPENS. BUNNY MCDOUGAL walks around the house.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Even if it meant doing it in Trey's
mother's home.

They STOP.

Trey CLAMPS his hand over Charlotte's mouth as they lay

completely STILL. Bunny rummages through the foyer table.

CHARLOTTE
(whispering)
I thought she was out of town.

TREY
(whispering)
She will be. Just lay still.

BUNNY
(to unseen driver)
I know I left it right here.

Charlotte and Trey look into each other's eyes, holding back
laughter. Charlotte begins to snicker.

(CONTINUED)
 5.
CONTINUED:
CARRIE (V.O.)
They felt like teenagers doing the
naughty. Powered by nervousness,
uncertainty, and discomfort.

BUNNY
Ah, here it is....we can go now.

And Bunny leaves. Trey and Charlotte exhale, Trey shifts.

Suddenly, Charlotte let's out a fart. She stops breathing.

Trey heard it, too.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Funny how the things that
embarrassed you as a teen are still
potent as an adult. Charlotte was
mortified.

INT. SAMANTHA JONES PUBLIC RELATIONS - SAME

CARRIE (V.O.)
Meanwhile, back uptown, Samantha
Jones managed to get the screw of
her life without even a man to help
her do it.

SAMANTHA sits in her executive chair, frustrated. She yells

out to her ASSISTANT.

SAMANTHA
Why is my phone sheet over a
hundred names long?

ASSISTANT
Because you're a publicist.

SAMANTHA
But these are unreturned calls. Why
isn't anyone returning my calls?
(a beat)
Are you listening to me?

The Assistant pops her head in.

ASSISTANT
Ms. Jones. I don't quite know how
to put this. You see, there are a
lot of women in power in New York
City -

SAMANTHA
Stop sugarcoating - out with it
already.

(CONTINUED)
 6.
CONTINUED:
ASSISTANT
To be frank, you have screwed over
too many of them. The last wave of
calls we left messages for will not
return after discovering your
unholy relationships with their
spouses.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Samantha's power seat suddenly felt
really powerless.

SAMANTHA
Oh. Who needs them, anyway?

CARRIE (V.O.)
So while nature called for
Charlotte, it seemed as if nobody
in New York was calling for
Samantha Jones.

INT. BLUE WATER GRILLE - THAT NIGHT

The girls all stare at Charlotte, surprised.

SAMANTHA
So don't eat broccoli for dinner.

CHARLOTTE
(defensive)
It wasn't...a fart. It came from
somewhere else.

Carrie and Samantha snicker. Charlotte grimaces.

MIRANDA
(pats her stomach)
And I can't even get buzzed for
this discussion. Life is so cruel.

CARRIE
(laughing)
Charlotte - it's a queef.

MIRANDA
I never knew it had a name.

CHARLOTTE
Stop talking about it.

SAMANTHA
What are you getting all worked up
about. Just ask your gynecologist
about it.

(CONTINUED)
 7.
CONTINUED:
CHARLOTTE
No! It's horrifying! This is not
something I would share with a man
I've known for years. I guess
there's nothing I can do but maybe
wait 'til it....

SAMANTHA
Passes?

The girls LAUGH again.

CARRIE
It's perfectly natural, honey.

CHARLOTTE
This is the worst thing that has
ever happened to me.

Across the bar, Miranda spots MR. CHRISTIAN CROSSINOSO, (40s)

a crisp-looking banker, waving at her.

MIRANDA
Not now.

Miranda sinks down in her seat. The girls look at her.

MIRANDA (CONT'D)
He's this investment banker I slept
with years ago.

SAMANTHA
He's sort of cute.

MIRANDA
He's a friend of Steve's. Didn't
flinch when I told him I had a baby
coming.

CARRIE
(patronizing)
Really? You mean he didn't run and
try to break back into Shawshank?

CHARLOTTE
Come on. He's clearly into the pre-
packaged item. Maybe he wants a
family. It's not always about the
sex.

SAMANTHA
Charlotte, honey, don't dilute the
topic.

(CONTINUED)
 8.
CONTINUED: (2)
MIRANDA
It's certainly not about the sex.
Look at me. This baby is making me
into a physical and emotional mess.
I look terrible.

CHARLOTTE
That's not true. Pregnant women are
beautiful.

MIRANDA
And I can still have sex -
uncomfortably, but it can be done.
So what if I go out with him again,
and we get close again, and he gets
down there, and I don't know - I
just have these issues.

CARRIE
What? That the little one is going
to pop out for a quick 'hiya'?

Crossinoso comes back over to them.

CHARLOTTE
Okay. Ixnay on the ussy pay.

CROSSINOSO
Miranda. Hey. We keep running into
each other. You look absolutely
stunning tonight.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Amidst her pregnancy-induced
struggle with feeling unattractive,
he came in at just the right time.

Miranda smiles politely as he sits -

EXT. BLUE WATER GRILLE - SAME TIME

Outside, Paulie and CHRISTOPHER valet their car. Paulie gives

the valet a strange look.

PAULIE
(to valet)
What?! It's how much?!

Shakes his head and pays the man.

CHRISTOPHER
Why did we come into the city in
the middle of rush hour? Bridge and
tunnel took over two hours.

(CONTINUED)
 9.
CONTINUED:
PAULIE
This shleprock says he can't pull
my investment when I talked to him
over the phone so I have to
convince him in person.

CHRISTOPHER
You can't just go and pop someone
in the face during happy hour. This
is Manhattan.

PAULIE
The fuck I can't. And you better
back me up in there.

CHRISTOPHER
Why? You dug the hole.

PAULIE
Hey. Until you get your own shovel
to dig with, you help with whatever
I need. Understand? I just paid six
bucks in toll and thirty bucks to
park and it better not go to waste.

CHRISTOPHER
Cheap fuck.

And they enter the restaurant.

INT. BLUE WATER GRILLE - CONTINUOUS

Christopher and Paulie navigate through the restaurant and

approach Crossinoso , who's still talking to Miranda.

PAULIE
You. Can I talk to you?

Carrie looks up. Spots Christopher.

CARRIE
Oh my God. Christopher ?

Christopher looks over at Carrie. It's clear he recognizes

her, too, but -

CHRISTOPHER
No. Sorry. Wrong guy.
(a beat)
Paulie, I'm gonna go wait outside.

And he exits, quickly. Carrie seems deflated. Paulie looks

after Christopher, then takes Crossinoso to talk at the other
end of the bar.

(CONTINUED)
 10.
CONTINUED:
MIRANDA
Do you know him?

CARRIE
(a beat)
I thought I did.

EXT. BLUE WATER GRILLE - CONTINUOUS

Christopher walks outside, clearly bugged.

He lights up a cigarette and chooses to stand outside in the

freezing cold rather than be inside. Pulls his collar up.

INT. BLUE WATER GRILLE BAR - SAME TIME

Paulie talks with Crossinoso at the other end of the bar.

PAULIE
I need the money back.

CROSSINOSO
Paulie, we discussed this. That's
not how it works. You can't invest
money and just ask for it back.

PAULIE
I don't give a shit. You get it
out. And don't talk to me like
we're friends, you sleazy fuck.

CROSSINOSO
Alright, Paulie. I'll see what I
can do.

But before Paulie can argue, Carrie appears.

CARRIE
Hi. I'm sorry to bother you, but
was that Christopher Moltisanti
with you?

Paulie stares at her. Not offering up anything.

CROSSINOSO
Yes. That was Moltisanti. Do you
know him from the Bada Bing?

CARRIE
The Bada Bing? No, but - thank you.

And she walks off. Paulie stares hard at Crossinoso.

PAULIE
Let's you and me talk, in private.
 11.

INT. THE BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Crossinoso and Paulie walk in. Paulie waits for a suit to

finish washing his hands.

CROSSINOSO
You know, Paulie, you didn't have
to drive all the way out here -

SMACK!

Paulie POPS him in the back of the head. Crossinoso's head

hits the counter.

PAULIE
Get my fucking money back.

And Crossinoso SLUMPS down, knocked out.

INT. BLUE WATER GRILLE BAR - CONTINUOUS

MIRANDA
Who was that guy?

CARRIE
Someone from my childhood.

SAMANTHA
He didn't seem too interested in
catching up, so why do you care?

CARRIE
Believe it or not, that guy
was....my first.

EXT. PAULIE'S CAR, THE GW BRIDGE - LATER

Grid-locked traffic. Paulie and Christopher stuck in the car.

CHRISTOPHER
You popped him first, then said
'get the money'? So how do you know
he heard you?

PAULIE
He heard me.

CHRISTOPHER
You sure? 'Cause sometimes they
don't hear when you knock them out
first.

PAULIE
Stop analyzing it. It's annoying.
I'll call him later and make sure.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 12.
PAULIE(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
(a beat)
Who was that girl? The blonde one.

CHRISTOPHER
Nobody. I don't know.

PAULIE
Oh. Okay, because it seemed like
she knew you.

Christopher doesn't answer - changes the subject.

CHRISTOPHER
Left. You're in the Easy Pass lane.

INT. BLUE WATER GRILLE - LATER

Back with the girls.

CHARLOTTE
That was the guy you lost your
virginity to?

CARRIE
Yep. Our parents summered together
in the Pocanos. I know it sounds
silly, but he carved our initials
into a tree. It really got to me.

MIRANDA
That is so much more romantic than
me kissing my little brother.
(a beat)
That came out all wrong.

SAMANTHA
(to Carrie)
Was he good?

CHARLOTTE
Samantha?! Of course he wasn't.
They were fifteen.
(a beat)
Was he?

CARRIE
We were both so awkward and
nervous. The next day he moved
away. Never heard from him again.
Not even a good-bye. I cried until
my braces were salty. I wrote it
all in my journal and never stopped
writing.

CHARLOTTE
So something good came out of it.
He's like, your muse.

(CONTINUED)
 13.
CONTINUED:
CARRIE
Sure. If I never saw him again.

INT. THE SOPRANO RESIDENCE - SAME TIME

CARMELLA sits in the kitchen, stressed. Tony walks through

the back door.

CARMELLA
Tony. Where have you been?

TONY
I stopped for some peppers.

CARMELLA
I've been calling. You'll never
believe what I found in AJ's room.

TONY
What did he do? Is he smoking pot
again?

CARMELLA
No. Not that.
(a beat)
It's worse.

INT. AJ'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

ON TV: The unmistakable music, the skin, the sweaty actors.

It's a porno.

Tony can't help but start laughing, hard.

TONY
What? This is why you called me?

CARMELLA
(serious)
We have to talk to him about this.
This isn't how he should be
learning about it.

TONY
What other way is there? School
ain't teaching him.

CARMELLA
Not this way, Tony. Not with these
kinds of people. He should learn
about sex in a respectable manner.
(a beat)
From you.

AJ (O.S.)
What are you doing?

(CONTINUED)
 14.
CONTINUED:
AJ stands in the doorway, FROZEN, mortified at the sight of
his parents around his television set.

In his room.

Watching a skin flick.

TONY
Come in here.

Like any kid who just got busted with porn, Anthony TAKES
OFF. Tony snickers.

CARMELLA
Anthony, wait! Tony. Go get him.

TONY
(hearty laugh)
Like that wasn't punishment enough?

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

Carrie PACES around her apartment chewing a pen.

CARRIE (V.O.)
As we move through our lives with
no certainty, there are rarely
absolutes. One of the few
exceptions is your 'first'.
Everyone has one, like it or not.
And that person changes you
forever.

She goes over to her laptop. CLOSE on her computer screen,

words appear as she speaks.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

But how important is our first?

She stops typing, thinks.

ON SCREEN: She types the word "love" then deletes it.

A beat. She blows a few hairs from her face.

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - LATER

Carrie stares at her laptop - same position, but later in the

evening. Sips a drink. Types again. Deletes. Starts TAPPING
all the keys at once.

CARRIE
Oh no...Oh no.
 15.

INT. RESTAURANT - BREAKFAST

Carrie has her head buried in the table.

CARRIE
I have writer's block.

MIRANDA
It happens to all writers.

CARRIE
But not to ME. It never happens to
me. Years of ramblings and ritual,
and I have never been completely
blocked. I feel helpless.

CHARLOTTE
Sometimes, a hug really helps.

Charlotte wraps Carrie in a hearty hug. Carrie straightens

her crooked sunglasses.

CARRIE
No. No huggies, Charlotte.

SAMANTHA
I fucked a writer once who claimed
every time he was emotionally
distressed, he got writer's block.

CARRIE
So what did he do?

SAMANTHA
I don't know. I was just fucking
him.

Eyes roll.

MIRANDA
Perhaps it has something to do with
seeing your ghost of virgin's past.

CHARLOTTE
I saw my 'first' at an alumni
luncheon a few years back. Then I
ate so much candy I got sick.

MIRANDA
Maybe you're caught up in seeing
him again. My therapist thinks
anyone from a past experience could
trigger "road blocks in the path of
life."

(CONTINUED)
 16.
CONTINUED:
CARRIE
But why do I care? I was fifteen
years old. That was so long ago.

MIRANDA
Fifteen? Wow. I was eighteen.

CHARLOTTE
Nineteen.

The three girls look at Samantha.

SAMANTHA
What? Does it really matter?

CHARLOTTE
Come on, Samantha. How old were
you?

SAMANTHA
Promise not to laugh?

CARRIE
Not after you said that.

SAMANTHA
Twenty-three.

The girls are shocked.

SAMANTHA (CONT'D)
What? So I was a late bloomer. And
I'm still blooming.

Meanwhile, back over the bridge....

INT. THE PATHMARK SUPERMARKET, NEW JERSEY - DAY

Carmella pushes a shopping cart full of food alongside her

friend ROSALIE APRIELE.

ROSALIE
I loved the Bahamas. They say the
natives there can be rude, but I
found if you have cash, they smile
real quick.

CARMELLA
You're so nice and tan. I can't
remember the last vacation Tony and
I took.

(CONTINUED)
 17.
CONTINUED:
ROSALIE
What is it about men that they
think once you're married they
don't have to keep earning your
love? Jackie used to try so hard to
make sure I was happy. Then, it
just wore off.

CARMELLA
(laughing)
It's funny, my first date with
Tony, he was so nervous, his hands
were all clammy. He sprayed so much
Binaca in his mouth that it was
numb by the end of the night.
(a beat)
Seems a long time ago now.

INT. THE BADA BING GENTLEMEN'S CLUB - SAME

Paulie and Silvio play cards. Tony enters with the paper,
smirking to himself.

SILVIO
What's up, Ton? What's so funny?

TONY
Caught Anthony Junior watching a
porno yesterday.

The two guys light up.

SILVIO
Oh! Congratulations. Now you don't
have to explain it to him.

PAULIE
The boy is a man now.

SILVIO
I remember my first porno. They
were soft-core back then, not like
these gonzo ones nowadays.
(a beat)
Which one was it?

TONY
Which one what?

SILVIO
Which porno was he watching? What
was the title?

TONY
What does it matter?

(CONTINUED)
 18.
CONTINUED:
SILVIO
Just hope he's got good taste. You
don't want him watching that kinky
yo-yo stuff. Multiple people, toys,
animals. Could be very confusing to
a kid.

PAULIE
You know, they should make a nice,
respectable Catholic porno. One
man, one woman, and none of the
freaky stuff. Throw it in your
kid's VCR, make him watch it, and
then if he has any questions, you
answer it afterwards.

SILVIO
That's why God created the world,
and you didn't.

TONY
Carmella wants me to sit down and
explain it to him.

PAULIE
Why don't you bring him down here
to the club?

TONY
What's the matter with you? I'm not
bringing my son here to hang with
you mugs in a strip club.

PAULIE
I don't get it. You do.

Tony stares daggers at him.

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

CARRIE (V.O.)
Ask any writer for advice on
writing, and they will say no
matter how bad it gets, just keep
writing.....

Carrie is at her computer, a few empty coffee cups beside

her.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Times like this, I want to find
each and every one of those people,
furiously shake them and yell
'easier said than done'...

Aidan walks up behind her. Sniffs her hair.

(CONTINUED)
 19.
CONTINUED:
AIDAN
Still blocked?

CARRIE
Can I ask you something personal?
Who was your first?

AIDAN
Michelle Sather. Prom night.

CARRIE
Let me guess. Her prom corsage got
stuck to your overalls after
rolling around in the outhouse?

AIDAN
Took about four different tries
'fore I figured out what I was
doing. Then it was done. Drank a
few beers, listened to some Steely
Dan. Didn't feel much different.

CARRIE
I saw my first the other day.

AIDAN
Is that right? Did you talk to him?

CARRIE
He didn't want to talk to me.

AIDAN
Must not have been that good, then.

He playfully peppers her neck with kisses.

CARRIE
That's a terrible thing to say.
I'll have you know he carved
initials into a tree for me.

AIDAN
Is that all it takes? I got a
better idea.

Aidan closes the top of her laptop. And he kisses her more.

CARRIE
And you think this'll clear up my
writer's block?

AIDAN
How about I dig up my Steely Dan
album and we find out?
 20.

INT. PARK AVENUE - SAME TIME

Samantha walks down the street, about to cross when she bumps
into another well-dressed woman named.....

SAMANTHA
Fernanda. Hey, how are you?

FERNANDA
(kitschy)
Samantha Jones.

SAMANTHA
I called last week about the Getty
Foundation Benefit, but I never
heard back from you.

Fernanda stares at her.

FERNANDA
(catty)
Maybe because you were too busy
shtupping my boyfriend behind my
back. Hope it was worth it.

And she walks away, leaving Samantha stunned. And offended.

SAMANTHA
(calling after her)
Well, it wasn't!

CARRIE (V.O.)
Samantha started realizing she
wasn't just burning bridges
anymore. The whole island was
collapsing.

INT. BORDERS BOOK STORE - LATER

Samantha and Carrie browse through aisles of books.

SAMANTHA
What is it with men who come clean?
They fall in love and think they
have to reveal everything to their
women? That's why the world has
priests.

CARRIE
Honesty is the worst policy?

SAMANTHA
It's as if I'm not part of the 'in
crowd' anymore.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 21.
SAMANTHA(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
What I need is something that
validates that I am the best at
what I do - regardless of who I
sleep with.

CARRIE
There's a dysfunctional double
standard if I ever heard one.

Carrie grabs at a book, starts flipping through it.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
I can't stop thinking about that
guy Christopher. He avoided me.
Took my virginity, and walked.

SAMANTHA
Honey. He had a pencil moustache.
No man with a pencil moustache is
worth thinking about twice.

CARRIE
(thinking)
Maybe I did something to him and I
just don't remember.

SAMANTHA
Stop being so analytical. Men are
stupid and they do stupid things
after sex. Like confessing to their
wives.
(making a face)
Why are we at the bookstore?

CARRIE
I have no idea. I figured looking
at books might jog my creative
flow, but I think I just want a
latte.

SAMANTHA
I think you need to get laid.

CARRIE
Well, it sure helped you out.

SAMANTHA
Touche. Latte it is.

CARRIE (V.O.)
While we were bound by our
frustrations, Charlotte was
determined to overcome hers. She
kept telling herself that the queef
was a one-hit wonder...
 22.

INT. TREY AND CHARLOTTE'S FLAT - THAT EVENING

Trey is on top of Charlotte again. Her eyes wide open,

concentrating.

TREY
What's wrong?

CHARLOTTE
Nothing. Just trying to
concentrate.

TREY
You haven't blinked once.

CHARLOTTE
Don't distract me. Just keep going.

She chews her lip, nervous.

CARRIE (V.O.)
But instead of a one-hit wonder, it
was more like a broken record.

Queef again. Charlotte DIVES under the covers, humiliated.

CHARLOTTE
Oh no?! Get off!

TREY
Al-righty.

Trey looks down at Charlotte, her head undercover.

TREY (CONT'D)
What seems to be the problem?

CHARLOTTE
Did you...hear that?

TREY
I was busy. I didn't hear anything.

CHARLOTTE
That sound! You didn't hear that
sound?!

TREY
Charlotte. I'm a doctor. I know
what that sound is. It's natural. I
don't mind it.

CHARLOTTE
No, it's not, Trey. And we're
making a baby. It's supposed to be
special.

(CONTINUED)
 23.
CONTINUED:
TREY
It still is.

CHARLOTTE
Not anymore.

Charlotte's arm pops out of the covers and flicks off the
light.

EXT. THE SOPRANO KITCHEN - DAY

AJ eats cereal. Tony walks in.

AJ
Why did you have to go through my
stuff?

TONY
Your mother found it. Where did you
get it?
(no answer)
Hey. I asked you a question.

AJ
From...Jeremy PioCosta.

TONY
So the PioCostas let their kid
watch porn?

AJ doesn't look up - he doesn't want to look his Dad in the

eye. Tony ruffs his son's hair.

TONY (CONT'D)
Know why the porn industry is a
billion-dollar business? 'Cause a
lot of people watch it. A lot of
people. Ain't no shame in that.

Tony tries laughing to ease the tension. AJ doesn't react.

TONY (CONT'D)
Just don't tell mom. She don't need
to know. And don't ever watch it in
the house again.

AJ
I feel so stupid.

TONY
(joking)
Ay. It's better than getting caught
with the little guy in your hand.

A horrified look from AJ. For a moment, Tony forgot he was

talking to his own son.
 24.

INT. DR. MELFI'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Tony sits across from MELFI.

MELFI
So you didn't react?

TONY
He's a kid. Everyone thinks about
that stuff when they're young.

MELFI
You don't think some sort of
discussion is in order?

TONY
For holding his John? No.

MELFI
To have a discussion about sex.
It's an important stage in a young
boy's life.

TONY
I don't need to talk to him about
that. He'll learn as he goes.

MELFI
Were you treated differently when
you were a boy?

Tony stares at Melfi.

TONY
What does it matter?

MELFI
Don't you think there's an
opportunity to teach your son about
intimacy?

TONY
Why, because I have 'less than holy
relationships' myself? You're gonna
trace that all the way back, too?

MELFI
The real question is whether or not
your father affected how you view
sex. From where I sit, it seems to
me you're taking the same casual
approach that was taken on you.
Doesn't this concern you?

(CONTINUED)
 25.
CONTINUED:
TONY
I see where you're goin' with this
and you're wrong. I was a different
kid. My son isn't gonna to turn out
like his womanizing old man.

MELFI
You sure about that?
(a beat)
Did your father ever joke with you
about sex?

TONY
He made wisecracks around the
house, yeah.

MELFI
Did he ever discuss sex with you,
face to face?

TONY
No, he never discussed it face to
face but that doesn't mean I turned
out all that bad....

Tony stops himself. Thinks. Understands.

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - SAME

Carrie stands upside down on her head. Breathing slowly.

Between two strategically placed, equidistant candles.

CARRIE (V.O.)
If the blood that rushes south can
stimulate, then forcing it north
might work, too.
(a beat)
Three days of blank thoughts, two
hours of Feng Shui-ing my
apartment, and I was really getting
desperate.

Carrie gets back to her feet. Thinks.

Walks to the phone, dials.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
(in phone)
Hi. New Jersey. The...Bada Bing?

INT. CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT - LATER

ADRIANA watches "Entertainment Tonight," smacking gum. The

phone RINGS. She answers.

(CONTINUED)
 26.
CONTINUED:
ADRIANA
Yeah?
(a beat)
Christopher's not here.

Adriana scribbles her number down, not too happy about it.

CARRIE (IN PHONE)

It's not important, but if you
could let him know that -

Adriana hangs up, cutting her short. She returns to her show.

INT. SILVIO'S NEW CADILLAC SEVILLE - DAY

Silvio drives a brand spanking new Cadillac Seville around

the streets of Jersey. It gleams.

Paulie sits next to him. Christopher's in back.

CHRISTOPHER
Nice machine, Silvio. Sleek.

SILVIO
It's the Seville STS 4.6 liter with
a premium upgrade. Bought it cash.

PAULIE
Car loses more than half its value
as soon as it leaves the lot.

CHRISTOPHER
Now he's suddenly the expert on
investments. Pull over, I need
cigarettes.

They pull over to a bodega. Christopher gets out. Paulie

points to the dashboard.

PAULIE
What is this here?

SILVIO
On Star Navigational System. It
talks to you.

PAULIE
The car talks to you?

SILVIO
21st century bullshit. It's
annoying. Turn it on if you want.

Paulie fiddles with the switches.

(CONTINUED)
 27.
CONTINUED:
ON-STAR OPERATOR
Good afternoon. How may we be of
assistance today?

SILVIO
Go fuck yourself.

ON-STAR OPERATOR
I'm sorry. I didn't hear you
correctly. Can you repeat your
request?

SILVIO
Ask it a question. Go ahead.

Paulie points to the dash. Leans in.

PAULIE
Where are we at this very moment?

ON-STAR OPERATOR
North Essex County New Jersey.
Kings Street.

PAULIE
Amazing.

Christopher comes rushing back to the car. TOSSES the

newspaper in on Paulie's lap.

CHRISTOPHER
Bad news. Look at this.

There's a picture of Crossinoso with a headline that reads:

"Park Avenue Investment Banker arrested for Fraud."

PAULIE
He got pinched ?

Silvio shakes his head.

SILVIO
Three types of people you avoid in
business. Puerto Ricans, the
Hasidic Jews, and bankers from the
city. Should've spent your cash on
a Cadillac, instead.

INT. THE BANK AND TRUST OF MANHATTAN - SAME TIME

Christopher waits in the lobby with Paulie. A BANKER comes

out holding documents.

BANKER
Mr. Walnuts. I have good news and
bad.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 28.
BANKER(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
I'll be able to pull your funds
out, but less whatever has already
been invested.

PAULIE
How much was invested?

BANKER
Mr. Crossinoso invested 42% of your
equity.

PAULIE
Where was the 42% invested?

BANKER
It was a private venture. If you
want the address, I can pull it up
for you.

PAULIE
Yeah. Gimme the address.

CHRISTOPHER
(to Paulie)
What are you doing? Remember what
Tony said.

PAULIE
I know what I'm doing. Stay out of
this. It's a lot of money we're
talking about here.

Christopher rolls his eyes. Paulie grabs the address from the
Banker.

PAULIE (CONT'D)
(angry)
When does Crossinoso get out? I
wanna talk to him again.

BANKER
Unfortunately, he'll be...gone for
a while.

CARRIE (V.O.)
As luck would have it, Miranda was
set to meet Mr. Crossinoso that
same night.

INT. BOND STREET RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Miranda sits alone, sipping a drink. Her eyes dart from the
door to her watch.....she gets up and leaves.

(CONTINUED)
 29.
CONTINUED:
CARRIE (V.O.)
After two soda spritzers, Miranda
realized that she was stood up, and
called it quits....

INT. THE NYPD - SAME TIME

POLICE OFFICER
You get one phone call.

Crossinoso stands in handcuffs, head low. The officer hands

him the phone. He dials.

INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

The machine picks up. Crossinoso leaves a message.

CROSSINOSO (O.S.)
Miranda. Hey, I'm so terribly sorry
I couldn't make it. You'll never
believe where I am -

Her hand erases the message before it finishes.

CARRIE (V.O.)
...and wouldn't even hear an
excuse. No matter how good it could
have been.

Miranda stands. She looks at her pregnant self in the mirror,

flips her hair, leans back, checks out her behind. Frowns.

EXT. THE SCOUT BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

Paulie and Christopher sit in the car out front. Paulie

matches the address slip with the storefront address.

He PUNCHES the steering wheel.

PAULIE
That shleprock put my money in some
bar?! The fuck was he thinking?

CHRISTOPHER
I don't know, Paulie. I'm tired of
driving around the city already.
Just cut your losses.

PAULIE
Are you out of your mind? What if
this business makes a profit? How
can you be sure it's gonna lose
money?

(CONTINUED)
 30.
CONTINUED:
CHRISTOPHER
You are so cheap it's unbelievable.
We're talking two, three jobs and
you make it back. Don't risk it.

PAULIE
Shut your trap. And don't say a
word to Tony. I'm gonna find a way
to fix this.

INT. HYPNOTHERAPY SESSION - DAY

CARRIE (V.O.)
In an effort to calm her thunder
from down under, Charlotte decided
to see a tantric specialist.

Charlotte stares at a HYPNO-THERAPIST. He puts his pendulum

down. Takes a deep, relaxing breath.

HYPNOTHERAPIST
Namaste, Ms. York, Namaste. Breathe
with me. Smell the incense. Now,
you're in a good place. Relaxed.
How can I help you?

CHARLOTTE
Well. This is sort of embarrassing -

Charlotte continues to talk.

CARRIE (V.O.)
He was the hypno-therapist to the
Manhattan elite and to the movie
stars. He's heard the best and the
worst of stories, but apparently
never one powered by the queef.

Charlotte finishes her explanation. The Hypnotherapist stares

at her a moment. He LAUGHS - then composes himself.

HYPNOTHERAPIST
So sorry. Do go on.

Charlotte slumps.

INT. THE SOPRANO KITCHEN - DAY

MEADOW comes into the kitchen and starts digging through her
mail. She flips the trash bin lid and discards the un-wanteds
when....

In the garbage lies AJ's porno. Meadow reaches in just as AJ

enters.

(CONTINUED)
 31.
CONTINUED:
AJ
Hey. How are finals?

MEADOW
Is this tape yours or dad's?

She pulls the tape out.

AJ
I don't know. Dad's, I guess.

Meadow tries to look AJ in the eyes. He dodges.

MEADOW
This is yours.

AJ
No, it's not.

MEADOW
You know how I know? 'Cause Dad is
really good at keeping secrets.

AJ snatches the tape from her hands.

AJ
Okay, it's mine.

MEADOW
(relieved)
Oh, Thank God .

AJ
Mom found it. She freaked out.

MEADOW
She should. This stuff is gross.

AJ
I don't want to talk about it.

MEADOW
Do you even know how it's done?

AJ
(defensive)
Of course I do.

MEADOW
Yeah, right. Here, read this. It'll
help. Trust me. Don't let Mom and
Dad talk to you. I was misinformed
for years.

Meadow plops a copy of the NY Globe on the counter earmarked

at Carrie's column. AJ looks at it, dauntingly.

(CONTINUED)
 32.
CONTINUED: (2)
MEADOW (CONT'D)
It doesn't have pictures or
anything, but if you read between
the lines, you could learn a lot.
Carrie Bradshaw is like -
brilliant.

CARRIE (O.S.)
I have up and gone stupid! That's
the only rational explanation for
what's happening to me!

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - SAME

A blank computer screen.

Carrie marches around her apartment, FLIPPING OUT. Aidan pops

his head from the other room.

AIDAN
Who are you talking to?

CARRIE
Petey. I am talking to your dog
Petey because...because I don't
know who else could understand my
plight of mental writing
retardation. Ain't that right,
Petey?!

Aidan leans down and pets him.

AIDAN
Petey said you should lay off the
caffeine.
(a beat)
Maybe you have writer's block
because...you're just out of good
ideas.

CARRIE
Not so flattering, big guy.

AIDAN
Well, you're putting too much
energy into this "first" guy. You
didn't get mentally clogged when
you first met me.

CARRIE
Oh, but he walked . And never called
back. You would have a complex,
too.

(CONTINUED)
 33.
CONTINUED:
AIDAN
Aren't writers just supposed to sit
down and write. One word in front
of the other?

CARRIE
I'm not a monkey at a keyboard.
(a beat)
I think I need to get out of here.

INT. SUSHI SAMBA RESTAURANT - LATER THAT NIGHT

CARRIE
Two more Saki-tinis please!

Carrie and Samantha sit at the sushi bar. Tipsy, Carrie

stands, BOWS to the smiling chefs.

They BOW back.

She BOWS again. As do they. Turning to Samantha.....

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Wow. I am SO drunk.

SAMANTHA
Ditto. Aren't Saki-tinis grand?

CARRIE
They're like....Kung Pow! right to
your head.

SAMANTHA
Let's celebrate my last and final
hurrah as a publicist. I have
officially fucked myself into
social obscurity.

And she knocks her drink back.

CARRIE
Still not getting calls returned?

SAMANTHA
Nope. It's just me. Me and my Saki-
tini.

CARRIE
Cool. Was that haiku?

SAMANTHA
Look at us. Two washed up broads
unable to handle our jobs.

(CONTINUED)
 34.
CONTINUED:
CARRIE
(giddy)
Quick thought. Aidan and Steve are
reopening the Scout Bar in a week.
How about doing the PR?

SAMANTHA
That sounds like the drink talking,
but it would certainly test my
abilities.

CARRIE
I think you could make it
fantastic.

SAMANTHA
What the hell. Bon-fucking-zai....

They both tip back their drinks.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I went home drunk that night, and
decided to pull a Hemingway.....

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - LATER

Carrie is at her computer, still in the clothes she went out

in, drunk. Types.

CARRIE
If writers have to just sit down
and write, then that was what I was
gonna do. And surprisingly, I was
in the zone...it felt right.

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING

Carrie wakes up, hung-over and looking rather un-fabulous,

She stares at her laptop. It's pure gibberish.

CARRIE (V.O.)
But the next morning, I realized
just how Hemingway I had gone. It
was rough, unstructured, booze-
laden and scattered.

She looks too tired to be panicked, but she is.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
This is terrible.

INT. SOPRANO RESIDENCE - KITCHEN

Carmella prepares dinner, chopping onions.

(CONTINUED)
 35.
CONTINUED:
CARMELLA
Have you talked to Anthony, yet?

TONY
I don't know what to say. A father-
son sex talk only happens once.
It's gotta be done right.

CARMELLA
I trust you'll do a good job.

Tony wraps his arms around her.

TONY
Smells good.

CARMELLA
Tony. I want you to take me out on
a date.

TONY
Why? Our anniversary is next month.

CARMELLA
I know. And it's not my birthday,
and it's not Valentine's Day,
either. I just - I want to feel
special, like it used to.

TONY
But you are special.

CARMELLA
Tony...I'm telling you. Take me
out.

TONY
Just like that?

CARMELLA
Just like that.

TONY
So where do you want to go?

CARMELLA
Really? Anywhere?

TONY
Yeah. Your choice.

CARMELLA
The ballet.

(CONTINUED)
 36.
CONTINUED: (2)
TONY
The ballet!? Come on, Carm. I am
not going to watch men in tights
flop around like fairies.

CARMELLA
The ballet, Tony. This weekend. Or
you make your own stuffed peppers.

And she walks out, leaving Tony smiling.

INT. THE SOPRANO RESIDENCE - AJ'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

Tony pops his head into the doorway.

TONY
You got a second?

AJ
Yeah. What's up?

TONY
I wanted to talk to you about the
thing your mother and I found.

AJ
We really have to?

AJ shifts. Tony approaches with a calm.

TONY
What I said, about sex, wasn't
exactly the right way to explain
it. I think it's time we had a man
to man discussion.

AJ
I know about sex, dad.

TONY
Yeah, yeah. With the movies and the
internet, you know it all. But
there's more to it. There's things
like, intimacy....

AJ
"You may be able to fake an orgasm,
but you can't fake intimacy."

TONY
(amused)
Where'd you hear that?

AJ sheepishly pulls out a copy of the Globe. Points to

Carrie's column.

(CONTINUED)
 37.
CONTINUED:
AJ
She's a sex columnist.

Tony takes a long look at Carrie's column. He tosses the

paper in the garbage. Sits down on the bed.

TONY
Don't learn about sex from a woman.
It's different. To men, women's
advice on sex don't make sense.

AJ nods. Tony sits down on the bed.

TONY (CONT'D)
I'm gonna tell you what my father
once told me. When you get older,
you get different needs, different
urges. And when that happens, he
said "do what you gotta do, but
wear a jimmy." Follow me?

AJ
Not really.

Tony pulls a roll of condoms out and hands them to AJ.

Shocked, he just stares down at them.

TONY
You always gotta protect yourself.
It's a rule. There's a lot of
things you're not going to
understand yet. Sometimes it has to
do with love, sometimes sex, but
don't learn the answers from tapes.
You ask your old man. Alright?

AJ nods as Tony walks out.

INT. LIZ LANGE MATERNITY CLOTHES, DRESSING ROOM - LATER

Carrie and Samantha wait patiently in a dressing room.

CARRIE
We somehow convinced Miranda that
being ugly was only skin deep - so
why not do it in a great outfit?

Miranda pulls a curtain open and walks out wearing a stylish,

but grossly oversized maternity outfit.

MIRANDA
Tell me I have to swim in this for
the next few months and I'll slit
my wrists.

(CONTINUED)
 38.
CONTINUED:
CARRIE
Awww! It looks cute.

MIRANDA
I look like a clown.

SAMANTHA
Liz Lange is the hottest new
designer for maternity wear.

MIRANDA
Are you kidding? All I'm missing is
a red nose, fuzzy buttons, and a
bottle of seltzer.

They laugh.

MIRANDA (CONT'D)
Charlotte should've come. She loves
this stuff.

SAMANTHA
She was too embarrassed to go see
her own gynecologist for her little
coughing problem, so I sent her to
mine.

MIRANDA
Isn't your gyno good-looking?

SAMANTHA
Very.

CARRIE
Oh no no no Samantha. Bad move.
Charlotte can't handle good-looking
gynos. Especially below the
equator.

SAMANTHA
What does it matter if they're good
looking or not?

MIRANDA
Ten bucks she doesn't take her
clothes off. In fact, I can
guarantee it.

SAMANTHA
Oh, come on. We're all adults.

INT. THE GYNOCOLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY

Charlotte stands, fully clothed in an examination room.

(CONTINUED)
 39.
CONTINUED:
DR. PRING, indeed good-looking, 30-something OB-GYN wearing
glasses, enters with a chart.

DR. PRING
Good afternoon, Mrs. York.
(a beat)
Why aren't you in your gown?

CHARLOTTE
I'm not here to get examined.

DR. PRING
Okay. I assume you want to discuss
something first?

CHARLOTTE
Yes. Well you see...my husband and
I are trying to have a baby. And -

Charlotte squirms, uncomfortable.

DR. PRING
Go on. I can handle it.

CHARLOTTE
You promise not to laugh? I've been
laughed at a lot about this. And I
can't take the humiliation anymore.

DR. PRING
I'll try.
(a beat)
That was a joke.

CHARLOTTE
I seem to have a little, er, extra
air downstairs, when my husband and
I have...intercourse. And it makes
squishy sounds.

Long pause.

DR. PRING
So what's there to laugh about?
It's a queef.

CHARLOTTE
Please don't use that word.

DR. PRING
Are you and your husband on an
ovulation schedule?

CHARLOTTE
Like clockwork.

(CONTINUED)
 40.
CONTINUED: (2)
DR. PRING
When's the last time sex was
pleasurable to you?

CHARLOTTE
I don't know if it ever has been.

DR. PRING
There's your answer.

CHARLOTTE
I don't understand.

DR. PRING
There's no real medical
explanation. Happens to a lot of
young women, particularly teens.
It's common in women who tend to be
overly nervous or tense. It's not a
chore, Ms. York...it's just sex.

INT. SAINT CONSTANTINE'S CHURCH - NIGHT

A Catholic baptism.

Paulie whispers something into Tony's ear and they duck out
into another room. Tony slowly closes the door, careful not
to be too loud.

TONY
(whispering)
For fuck's sake, Paulie, we're at
church. Can't this wait?

PAULIE
Listen, Ton. I have to come clean
on something.

TONY
Right now? I got my family in
there.

PAULIE
Yeah. Right now. Look, I didn't
exactly do what you said. About
investing.

TONY
You didn't give up the money?

PAULIE
If I was gonna give up free money
it would have been to Father Phil
for the parish.

(CONTINUED)
 41.
CONTINUED:
TONY
Do you know why I've been telling
you to get your money out? To cut
ties? Do you?

PAULIE
Yeah, but I could work some numbers
if I have to report a loss. We got
guys on the inside for that.

TONY
That's not it . Fuck the numbers.
Remember what happened to Eckley
DeMeo? All the collars need is one
infringement or God forbid, an
indictment, and the RICO Act pegs
us all.

PAULIE
Oh. Never thought about it that
way.

TONY
What is this, your first freaking
time? These are amateur mistakes.

Carmella comes to the door and glares at Tony.

TONY (CONT'D)
They trace your money, they trace
MY money. Understand how serious
this is?

And he leaves.

INT. THE SCOUT BAR - NEXT DAY

Steve walks Samantha through the bar.

STEVE
(smiling)
You want to change the name of the
bar? To what?

SAMANTHA
You can't get the right people here
with a name like Scout Bar. We're
changing it to "Skout". Simple.
With a K - no bar. It's more
exotic.

STEVE
Why more exotic? I like the name
Scout Bar. Skout sounds like Ikea
furniture.

(CONTINUED)
 42.
CONTINUED:
SAMANTHA
Steve, honey don't argue with me.
Every good spot in New York has a
name that's simple and ethnic
sounding. I don't make the rules, I
just help write them.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Like any uber-hip Manhattan
hotspot , Samantha had to adapt the
Scout Bar to possess three simple
characteristics:

INT. SAMANTHA JONES PUBLIC RELATIONS - SAME

Samantha stares at her HUGE, unreturned phone list.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It needed a cool name, some
outrageously hip feature like a
unisex bathroom, and the stigma
that you couldn't get in unless you
knew someone.

She picks up the phone and starts dialing.

SAMANTHA
(into phone)
Hello, Geraldine? Samantha Jones
here. Since you won't return my
call, I wanted you to know that you
will not be getting an invite to
Skout. If you haven't heard of
Skout yet, you will.

She hangs up. Her assistant pops her head in the door.

ASSISTANT
You're making calls? I thought you
had me for that.

SAMANTHA
Some things require a personal
touch.

She picks up the phone and dials again.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Samantha was exhilarated. She was a
born-again work virgin.

INT. THE BADA BING STRIP CLUB - AFTERNOON

Silvio and Paulie sit at the bar. Girls dance around them.
Silvio drops a few bills to one of them.

(CONTINUED)
 43.
CONTINUED:
SILVIO
Thanks, doll. This is for you.
(to Paulie)
You take care of your investment
problem?

PAULIE
I don't know what to do. Now Tony's
all bent up about it.

SILVIO
So do what we did for Artie's
restaurant.

PAULIE
What did we do for Artie's
restaurant?

SILVIO
We ate there all the time, spent
good money. You don't remember when
Ton reopened it? He made everyone
go there to eat.

PAULIE
Yeah. Restaurant made a killing.

SILVIO
He cleaned his own money there.
That's what he meant when he said a
car wash in Hoboken. Buy a legit
business, make our people go, spend
their money, clean your cash. Same
old trick, new store.

PAULIE
You know, that bar I invested in
has been remodeled. Opening again
this weekend.

SILVIO
You want me to throw some of the
girls in a car, make them go, too?

PAULIE
Good idea. Where strippers go,
people go. Good looking women
always class up a joint.

INT. VESUVIOUS RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Christopher argues with Adriana over some dinner and a bottle

of Amarone. She holds Carrie's phone number in her hand.

(CONTINUED)
 44.
CONTINUED:
ADRIANA
What am I supposed to think? You
get a call from some girl I never
heard you mention, and now you tell
me you slept together?

CHRISTOPHER
I was fifteen fucking years old.
What the fuck? I was being honest
with you.

ADRIANA
Then why is she calling?

CHRISTOPHER
I bumped into her in the city.

ADRIANA
You saw her?

CHRISTOPHER
By accident.

ADRIANA
So call her back then. If you're so
honest with me, here's her number
right here, and call her back in
front of me.

Adriana takes her cell phone out of her purse. Holds it in

front of him. He looks down at it.

CHRISTOPHER
I can't.

ADRIANA
Why not?

CHRISTOPHER
Do you love me?

ADRIANA
You're seriously going Oprah on me.

CHRISTOPHER
And you're going fucking psycho on
me about this. Just answer the
question.

ADRIANA
Yeah, I love you.

CHRISTOPHER
I was her first, and something
happened. It's not something I like
to discuss, but...

(CONTINUED)
 45.
CONTINUED: (2)
Christopher leans in and whispers something we do not hear.
Adriana looks puzzled at first, then starts giggling.

ADRIANA
You serious?

CHRISTOPHER
The truth. So help me God.

She softens. He leans back, downs his wine.

INT. SOPRANO'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT

Tony waits near the door, wearing a tux. He looks sharp. He

looks up and sees Carmella in an evening dress, looking...

TONY
Wow.

Carmella twirls around.

CARMELLA
Do you recognize this dress?

TONY
...should I?

CARMELLA
It's the dress I wore on our first
date.
(a beat)
Well, not the same one. I bought
one a few sizes bigger. Same
designer.

TONY
You look beautiful.

And Carmella hands him something.

TONY (CONT'D)
What's this?

CARMELLA
Binaca.

And she sprays a hit in his mouth. He LAUGHS.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT

Tony drives his Cadillac. Carmella's next to him.

CARMELLA
This is nice, Tony. Coming into New
York for a night....

(CONTINUED)
 46.
CONTINUED:
A cab pulls up next to them.

INT. TAXI CAB - SAME TIME

Charlotte and Carrie are in it. Carrie glances over at the

car next to her. It's Tony's and he's looking right at her.

They recognize each other. Carrie snaps her head forward.

CARRIE
Charlotte.

She looks.

CHARLOTTE
What?

CARRIE
Don't look.

CHARLOTTE
At what?

CARRIE
The guy next to us.

INT. TONY'S CAR - SAME TIME

Both cars drive side by side. Tony points over to Carrie.

TONY
Hey, Carm, you recognize her?

CARMELLA
How do I know her? She looks
familiar.

TONY
She writes that sex column for the
Globe.

INT. TAXI CAB - SAME TIME

Carrie stares straight ahead, frigid. Charlotte sinks down in

her seat. They're both scared.

CHARLOTTE
You're right. He's that mobster
from the news. He's pointing at
you.

CARRIE
At me? Why? Oh God.

(CONTINUED)
 47.
CONTINUED:
CHARLOTTE
Don't look right at him. He's going
to think something.

CARRIE
Like what?

CHARLOTTE
Like we know who he is!

CARRIE
We do know who he is!

Charlotte fumbles through her purse. She tosses a twenty up

to the cab driver.

CHARLOTTE
(frantic)
Pull up at the next corner!

INT. TONY'S CAR - SAME TIME

Carmella is trying to get a good view. She smiles.

CARMELLA
She's pretty. So how do you know
about her column? You been reading
it?

TONY
AJ was. Put all these stupid ideas
into his head. Her column's not
really even about sex.

INT. TAXI CAB - SAME

Carrie sinks and puts her hand over her eyes - as if that's
going to hide her. Charlotte points.

CHARLOTTE
Here! This corner! Is he still next
to us?

CARRIE
Charlotte, breathe. We are going to
get out, and act like we're
supposed to. Don't look to the
left.

The cab pulls over. Carrie grabs her purse and gets out.
Tony's car pulls up alongside them - lowers his window.

Charlotte just sits there.

(CONTINUED)
 48.
CONTINUED:
CHARLOTTE
(whispering)
I'm stuck. I can't move!

TONY
(smiles)
Ay. You. You work for the Globe.
Don't you? A writer?

Carrie is FROZEN. She sort of nods.

Carmella smiles back at her.

CARMELLA
Your friend's dress is caught in
the door. Been trying to tell you
that since 48th Street.

The light turns green. Tony pulls away. Turns to Carmella.

TONY
Kind of boring. Isn't she?

INT. SKOUT - NIGHT

There's a huge line out front, all waiting to get in.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That night was the grand reopening
of Scout Bar or Skout....the bar,
and grand it was. Samantha managed
to get the who's who of New York
and their plus ones scavenging to
be on her list.

Samantha guards the guest list. Paulie and Silvio are at the
front of the line, with a few strippers in tow.

SAMANTHA
You don't seem to understand. This
is an invite only affair.

SILVIO
He's an investor.

SAMANTHA
Let me check and see if you're on
the guest list.

Paulie shoots Silvio the "what the fuck?" look. Samantha

scans the list.

(CONTINUED)
 49.
CONTINUED:
SAMANTHA (CONT'D)
If you have a problem with the way
I run the list, gentlemen, then
your chances of getting in are
slim.

Silvio nods to Paulie. Paulie pulls a wad of bills out and

hands her a few. She looks down at the offering.

SAMANTHA (CONT'D)
This isn't that kind of place and
I'm not that kind of woman.

Silvio leans in, whispering something to Samantha. Her face

slowly falls. She moves the velvet ropes and lets them pass
without further question.

INT. SKOUT - SAME TIME

Charlotte, Miranda and Carrie stand in front of the bar.

CHARLOTTE
Do you notice anything strange
about the crowd tonight?

Samantha comes rushing up to the table.

SAMANTHA
What in God's name is going on
here?

CARRIE
Shouldn't you know?

SAMANTHA
Well, look around.

MIRANDA
You did a great job.

SAMANTHA
No! Don't you see something wrong?
There are....
(under her breath)
... .guidos here.

MIRANDA
Mental note. Guido-American is so
much more P.C.

CARRIE
Come on, Samantha. You're
overreacting. There's that one
Italian-American looking fellow
over there. Oh, and there.
And...there.

(CONTINUED)
 50.
CONTINUED:
A few men with open silk shirts walk by. Maybe rayon.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

And then it was air apparent. And
swirling cologne was proof. We were
surrounded by the likes of the
bridge and tunnel folk. The
aborigines of Manhattan with great
cars, pure gold and oversized
sunglasses.

SAMANTHA
(disgusted)
They're from....Jersey.

CHARLOTTE
How did they get in?

SAMANTHA
At first, they claimed to be
investors, and then they -
threatened me.

CARRIE
"They?" We're not talking about sub-
humans.

MIRANDA
How did they threaten you?

SAMANTHA
Some goombah told me he would make
me regret being the bitch I was.

MIRANDA
And you weren't turned on?

CHARLOTTE
Should we call the police?!

CARRIE
Good idea, Charlotte. We can call
New Jersey's finest and tell them
to come get their kin folk back....

SAMANTHA
Do you know who's on the list this
evening? Vanity Fair, In Style,
Details, all of the top magazines.
It's an exclusive Manhattan affair
and this...this is a New Jersey
disaster.

Samantha grabs Carrie's cosmopolitan and drains it.

 51.

INT. SKOUT UNISEX BATHROOM - LATER

It's swanky. Mirrors everywhere. Paulie RUSHES in, unzipping

his fly. He lets out a small groan, as he pees.

A stall behind him opens and a beautiful woman walks out. She
nonchalantly checks herself out in the mirror.

Surprised, Paulie stops, zips his fly.

PAULIE
You're in the wrong room,
sweetheart.

She laughs him off and leaves. He seems puzzled. Stanford

Blatch walks out of another stall. Paulie blinks.

PAULIE (CONT'D)
We in the men's or women's?

STANFORD
It's whatever you want it to be,
honey.

Stanford pats him in the shoulder. Paulie stares at his hand.

PAULIE
Get your hand off me.

INT. SKOUT - MOMENTS LATER

The joint is PACKED with a strange cocktail of Italians,

Manhattan-ites and strippers. Christopher and Adriana walk
in.

ADRIANA
Are you sure this is the place?

Stanford CURTSIES by with two Martinis, calling to someone in

the crowd.

STANFORD
Rafallo! You bitch. Over here,
cookie!

Christopher suddenly BURSTS into laughter.

CHRISTOPHER
Fuck me. Paulie invested in some
kind of a fruit bar!

He walks away laughing.

We pick up with Stanford - who kisses RAFALLO on the cheek,

accepting a martini. They walk up to....

(CONTINUED)
 52.
CONTINUED:
STANFORD
Samantha. You know Rafallo. He's
the 'Talk of the Town' columnist
for -

SAMANTHA
(nervous)
The New Yorker. Of course. It's a
pleasure to have you here. I'm sure
you're going to have a fabulous
time -

Behind them, Silvio YELLS at the bartender.

SILVIO
Ay! I've waited ten minutes for
this drink and I told you three
fucking times I wanted Cointreau!
You fuckin' listening to me?!

Samantha tries her best to keep her smile.

INT. SKOUT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Loud MUSIC.

Everyone is just a bit more intoxicated. Including a stripper

that dances around seductively.

The girls all watch her, fascinated. They sip the same drink
down, and pass it down as they speak.

SAMANTHA
This is developing into some kind
of a sick joke.

She drinks, passes.

CHARLOTTE
That's not a stripper pole.

CARRIE
When in Rome....

The drink gets to Miranda. She puts it down. Silvio turns to

her.

SILVIO
Not drinking tonight?

Miranda nods. She moves away, afraid he's going to keep

talking to her. He offers her his glass of Cointreau.

SILVIO (CONT'D)
Classy lady like you should have a
classy drink in her hand.

(CONTINUED)
 53.
CONTINUED:
MIRANDA
(smiles)
I'm pregnant. And I'm not
interested.

SILVIO
Ay. You're still smoking,
nonetheless.

And he walks away. Miranda glows.

INT. SKOUT UNISEX BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Carrie and Miranda primp in the bathroom.

MIRANDA
I don't believe it. Creepy mobster
guy said I was smoking.

CARRIE
(thick Italian accent)
Smoking like the gun I used to
whack my brudder Fredo! Ay! Oh!

MIRANDA
(in the mirror)
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to
me?!

They laugh. A FLUSH. The stall behind them OPENS, and

Christopher walks out. An awkward moment for all of them.

MIRANDA (CONT'D)
Hi. I'm going to go....

Miranda nods to Carrie and walks out, quickly.

CHRISTOPHER
Carrie. It's been a long time.

CARRIE
(fumbling)
Hey, Christopher. So how you been?

She slugs him in the arm. For no reason.

CHRISTOPHER
Sorry I never got back to you.

CARRIE
Didn't think about it much.

CHRISTOPHER
(awkward)
Well, great seeing you...

(CONTINUED)
 54.
CONTINUED:
And he starts to leave.

CARRIE
That's not true. I don't know why I
said that. I know this sounds sort
of dumb, being all grown-up now,
but...can you tell me why you never
called after?

CHRISTOPHER
What for? Why do you need to know?

CARRIE
(nodding)
Well, pal, you were my first. And
I'll have you know there have been
many more since. But since you took
my "v" away, it was important to me
and I think you owe me an
explanation.

Uncomfortable pause. Christopher's not used to them. So, he

decides to blurt out....

CHRISTOPHER
I had this job once, parking cars,
and there was this Porsche 911. It
was my dream ride. So I finally get
the keys, and start up the car, and
you know what?

CARRIE
(struggling to follow)
What are you talking about?

CHRISTOPHER
The car only had 6 fucking
cylinders! What kind of sports car
has 6 cylinders?

CARRIE
Am I supposed to be the 911?

CHRISTOPHER
No. I was. It was your first time.
And I never came back because I was
a car that didn't perform for you.

CARRIE
What are you saying? Was I a bad
driver? Did I not do something
right?

CHRISTOPHER
Madonna.
(throws his hands up)
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 55.
CHRISTOPHER(CONT'D)
CONTINUED: (2)
This isn't about you. I was really
bad in bed. Three pumps and it was
over. I was embarrassed, like I am
right now. I was your first and you
deserved better.

CARRIE
(surprise)
Oh.
(thoughtful)
Oh.
(sweet)
Oh.

Christopher leans in and kisses her on the cheek.

CHRISTOPHER
We keep this between us.

And he walks out.

INT. THE BAR AREA - SAME TIME

The stripper is getting unruly now. Gyrating to the music.

Dipping her head way back.

Stanford and Rafallo dance alongside her - he's probably had

one too many. They accidently BUMP into Silvio, who's drink
spills all over his arm. And a little on Paulie.

STANFORD
Whoopsie.

Stanford giggles, his hand up to his mouth. Paulie GRABS

Stanford by his collar.

PAULIE
Apologize to him.

STANFORD
(drunk)
Hey! Hey! Don't wrinkle the suit!
It's a Sergio Ferrere!

PAULIE
Think that's funny?

STANFORD
I thought you would. They don't
make Sergio Ferrere anymore. It's
actually vintage Valentino.

PAULIE
Stop talking in code you little
fruit and apologize to him!

(CONTINUED)
 56.
CONTINUED:
SILVIO
Paulie. It's alright.

PAULIE
This is a very big night for me.
And I don't want people like him
ruining it.

STANFORD
Hello?! Look around you. This is a
safe and established affair.
There's no need for this.

PAULIE
That wasn't an apology. Silvio,
help me take him outside.

Rafallo tries to jump into the mix.

RAFALLO
Leave him alone. Brute. You don't
have to be so rough.

Paulie shoves Rafallo down. People around them INHALE.

Samantha and Carrie run up.

CARRIE
Talk of the Town writer will have a
lot to say tomorrow.

SAMANTHA
I'm so through.

She helps Rafallo up. Paulie reaches into his jacket for a
GUN. Christopher RUSHES over.

CHRISTOPHER
Whoah! Paulie, who you supposed to
be, Joe fucking Pesci? Leave it
alone.

PAULIE
Calm down. I got this. I'm not
gonna shoot him. I'm just gonna hit
him with it. Teach him a lesson.

Aidan and Steve come rushing over.

AIDAN
What's the problem here?

PAULIE
Who are you?

STEVE
We're the owners.

(CONTINUED)
 57.
CONTINUED: (2)
Paulie straightens himself up. Lets Stanford go.

PAULIE
Gentlemen. It's a pleasure. Paulie.
A proud investor of this
establishment.

STEVE
(calming him down)
Oh. Okay. Well, how about we buy
you a drink and we discuss some of
your ideas. Whattdya say?

PAULIE
You want my ideas? It would be my
pleasure.

Steve puts his arm around Paulie and they walk away.

CARRIE
(to Aidan)
I haven't seen you all night. Where
have you been?

AIDAN
Taking care of something at the
bar. Come with me.

He takes her hand and leads her through the crowd.

AIDAN (CONT'D)
I've been giving a lot of thought
to your writer's block, and I think
I know what's been going on.

CARRIE
What do you think it is?

AIDAN
You're hung up. Only reason firsts
are special is 'cause they're
first. Doesn't mean they're best. I
think you need to learn that.

Aidan pushes through the jammed crowd, and it parts as we see

a clear view of the wood bar, with a carving etched into it.

It reads: "A.S. + C.B."

Carrie is speechless.

AIDAN (CONT'D)
It's not a tree, I know, but at
least it's wood.

(CONTINUED)
 58.
CONTINUED: (3)
CARRIE (V.O.)
Aidan was right. My first may have
been a question unanswered but the
best was yet to come.

They kiss. Samantha walks up behind them.

SAMANTHA
What the fuck is this?! Who did
this to the bar?!

INT. LINCOLN CENTER - SAME TIME

The ballet.

A lean, muscular DANCER does a pirouette and a bow, finishing

off his dramatic number. The crowd EXPLODES in applause.

We find Carmella in the crowd, wiping tears, clapping. Next

to her is Tony, sleeping like a fish.

EXT. NEWS STAND - FEW DAYS LATER

Samantha reads a glossy magazine, in shock.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It turns out that the grand
reopening was a grand success....

Samantha GRABS at the magazine and eyes it closely.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

...at least according to Conde
Naste. They attributed the allure
of Skout to it's avant garde use of
'Guido Chic'. Said the vibe was
'rough, authentic and electric.'

Samantha reads the following with a smile.

SAMANTHA
"Ghetto Fab out, Guido Chic in?!"

CARRIE (V.O.)
Samantha never had a problem
getting her calls returned after
that. But that was the last night
the bridge and tunnel folk would
come back to the bar.

INT. TREY AND CHARLOTTE'S FLAT - NIGHT

Trey and Charlotte lay next to each other, out of breath.

She's all smiles.

(CONTINUED)
 59.
CONTINUED:
CARRIE (V.O.)
Charlotte realized that sex wasn't
a scheduled chore. Once she let go
of actually trying to have a baby,
she learned to relax and have honk-
free sex. Just what the doctor
ordered.

INT. MIRANDA'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME

Miranda pulls her shirt up and profiles her growing stomach.

She runs her fingers along her skin, smiles.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And Miranda realized that being a
mother is the most beautiful thing
in the world. It's not what's on
the outside that counts, but what's
on the inside.

INT. CARRIE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Carrie types away at her laptop, finishing her column.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And I realized, that your first is
only as important as you want it to
be. It's who you have at this very
moment that really counts.

She watches Aidan and his dog wrestle on the floor.

INT. VESUVIOUS RESTAURANT - DAY

Artie brings over a plate to a table full of food, wine, Tony

and his merry men. They all toast.

CARRIE (O.S.)
And for as wonderful and special as
some firsts are, how two people
collide for a brief period in time,
sometimes that's all it is...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE - NIGHT

Traffic flows between New Jersey and New York.

CARRIE (V.O.)
...a brief period in time and those
two people, those two worlds, go
their own separate ways.

THE END