Dear Noemi, Its been two weeks since we last talked, but I doubt things have changed since

for either of us. If anything weve had time to think and discuss our situations with friends etc. I still think you handled things very poorly. It didnt have to come to this. I cared an awful lot about you and I still do. But I felt deceived and I thought that your actions were not in line with what people should do. I said some harsh things, but I still think they were right given the circumstances. Ill briefly clarify a few of my points. The way you were dealing with your relationship was completely incomprehensible. Now let there be a general rule that cheating is not ok and lets agree on the fact that thats exactly what you did and that you did this with intent (given the sufficient time you had to consider whether to do this or not). At that point for me there were two things you could do with respect to your boyfriend: breaking up so you dont have to deal with this mess or actually showing regret and dealing with it. You did neither of these, you just let in linger on, I guess hoping that things would magically fix themselves. They never do. Its true that I knew what the situation was I was getting myself into. But do not that all our conversations on this topic took place before mid-June. At that point you could have easily deescalated what was going on and found an honourable solution. After mid-June, in my view, and that of everyone I talked to, you had only the two options above. I was willing to let things linger on, provided the choices did not change1. Thats why I was so insisting on the trips, to which you had explicitly agreed. I know you disagree with the above statement. I think well need to agree to disagree here. I consider our text conversation of 8 July to be quite explicit. You had certain practical constraints, which I was fine with (card, contract), but you never questioned the overall notion of trips. Until September. It was extremely annoying that I had to push you about this time and time again. It was even more frustrating that nothing came from your side, other than a weakening of your position. I believe you ended up maintaining I never agreed to anything. All I said was that well see, which is quite different from So see you in September2 This together with a few other behavioural changes drew out the painful conversations we had in September. You repeatedly said that I cant judge you. Thats wrong. I can judge everyone I want. But its up to you to decide whether you attach any value to that judgement. You, however need to judge yourself, by the same standards you judge other people. You were very explicit about how you felt when your ex-boyfriend became friendly with some other girl. Noting how you felt, you need to treat yourself by the same standards.3 Therefore I had assumed that you would do what you have to do, and that we used similar ethical standards, and that things would not have to come to this. I was stunned by the fact you failed to realise this. And Im deeply disappointed, I had a higher opinion of you. Now this brings us to the road ahead. Ive clearly indicated what I believe you have to do. In the first place this is something between the two of you and ideally you would take care of things yourself,
1

Obviously its much easier to say Honey, 3 years ago I cheated on you, Im sorry than Honey, I cheated on you 3 months ago and Ive been in touch with the guy almost every day since 2 th This text refers to the weekend of 13 September, which had been postponed to the 29 due to the th bachelorette party you had. You never even bothered to postpone the 29 . 3 In fact you were hurt and broke up without knowing whether he had actually slept with that other girl. As a consequence that situation could have been less severe than this.

given the two options above. At the same time I also have my ethical obligations to society and to me. I fundamentally believe that cheating is frowned upon by society and that we have a duty to inform others in order to enforce this norm. At the same time, I would be pissed off if someone came, wooed my girlfriend, slept with her and basically destroyed my relationship. By transitivity thats what I did, which is therefore bad by my standards. As a consequence, your boyfriend needs to know. Ideally, youd do that, but as I said before, I wont shy away from doing that for you. (Opinions here are more mixed and vary considerably. Men in general support action on my side, while women believe its harsh and unnecessary). If you prefer to deal with things yourself, youll need to do this within a reasonable period, and Ill take your word for having done it, for what its worth. If that is not the case, Ill be left with only one option I will really regret using. Now you may think Im a horrible person. Youre free to do so, you may judge me if you want. At the same time, what Ive done is in line with my principles. I really cared for you and I tried my utmost to make this work. I ploughed through difficulties and issues, because of how much I appreciated you. I persevered and kept on trying despite some of my friends trying to convince me otherwise. Im sorry it has had to come to this. I regret having damaged your relationship, but the blame there is shared. Best, Miro