AGE IS JUST A NUMBER

Written by Caroline Kaplan

INT. DAY- EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICE HEADQUARTERS Three guys sit around a table eating lunch. Frank wears glasses and has an extremely white and nerdy look about him. His lunch consists of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a juice box he has brought from home, the other two guys dig into phili cheese steak sandwiches with coke. All three are wearing EMS uniforms. STEVE Yeah man, I forgot to tell you (He turns to John) I picked up this totally hot chick at the bar yesterday and we fucked for like 7 hours it was INSANE. Dude nice! They high five. Yeah I got this girl also and like though her face was kinda nasty it didnt really matter cuz the only thing I saw was the top of her head if you know what Im saying. STEVE Hell yeah I do! FRANK Ugh, you guys are completely shallow and disgusting. Im looking for the real deal, someone I can really have a connection with. STEVE Yeah, and thats why youre 24 and still a virgin. I mean whens the last time you even took a girl home? FRANK You know what, I actually picked up a hot girl just last night and not only is she beautiful but she totally got me. Though instead of being at a bar we had a lovely candle lit dinner in my apartment. Frank has a flashback to his evening last night. JOHN

2. INT. FRANKS APARTMENT-NIGHT- FLASHBACK Frank is sitting eating a candle lit dinner across from his cat who is eating out of a bowl, there are also many other cats in the apartment meowing and walking around. INT. BACK AT THE STATION JOHN (in disbelief) Yeah okay. FRANK Yeah, and things actually got pretty intense, and I really got a chance to open up.

INT. FRANKS APARTMENT- NIGHT FLASHBACK Frank is seated on his couch and crying his eyes out to his cat. FRANK Why wont anyone love me? Im never going to find true love. He collapses into uncontrollable sobs and reaches down to eat more chocolate chip ice cream. INT. BACK AT THE STATION STEVE Sounds nice. JOHN Yeah, that does sound nice, nice if youre a virgin who cant close. Man, I doubt youve ever even had a real piece of pussy. FRANK Are you kidding? I have pussy in my apartment all the time. After dinner things last night got super intense. Check these out. He pulls back his uniform to reveal several deep scratches in his back.

3. STEVE Holy shit! Howd that happen? FRANK Well, I got her pussy so wet she just couldnt contain herself. INT. BATHROOM OF FRANKS APARTMENT- NIGHT FLASHBACK Frank is attempting to give the same cat he was crying to a bath and she jumps out and latches onto his back as he struggles to throw her off and cries out in pain. INT. EMS HEADQUARTERS JOHN Wow man, that is intense. Kudos. They high five and suddenly the loud speaker starts going off indicating they have a call. 9-11 CALL We have a call in of an accidental fall, its on 36 Wilshire road. All three men get up and run in the ambulance, EXT. STREET They are riding in it again with the sirens blaring and they pull up to the curb. EXT. ESTHERS HOUSE Frank rushes in with the bags on the stretcher, followed by John and Steve and they rush in to find an elderly black woman on the floor, laying next to a chair and yelling out. She also appears to have a pretty severe gross looking infectious case of Eczema on the majority of her skin. Her attractive, mid 20s, granddaughter KYLEE and her grandson, CLARENCE, also mid 20s stand beside her in concern. INT. ESTHERS HOUSE KYLEE (upon seeing Steve, John and Frank) (MORE)

4. KYLEE (CONT'D) Oh thank god you guys are here, she just fell out of her chair and she has a very weak back and shes already had two hip replacements. John approaches her. JOHN Um excuse me, mam? She ignores him. JOHN (CONTD) Um Mam were gonna take you to the hospital dont worry ok? I just need to ask a couple questions first. She moans in response as Frank lifts her onto the stretcher and John begins to question the granddaughter as he fills out a chart. JOHN Can you tell me what medications your grandmother is currently taking? KYLEE Yes, she takes Dakatort Infection Cream to treat her Eczema. JOHN Approximately how often? ESTER (now on the stretcher as Frank and Steve adjust it) As much as I can get. Man, I sure do love me some DIC. There aint nothin in this world that satisfies me more. Can I get some now Clarence? CLARENCE Grandma, I just gave it to you this morning. ESTER Well I want more now! CLARENCE Not till later ok?

5. Clarence says good bye and Frank wheels her out to the ambulance. FRANK Ill give you some DIC Ms. Brown. I have some and I would be more than happy to share mine with you. ESTER Bless you child! Frank puts her in the ambulance and it rides away with the sirens blaring. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM Frank is standing by Esther in her hospital bed gazing at her adoringly, Kylee is on the other side of the room. FRANK You know, you really are the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen. WHAT? ESTER

KYLEE (hears him from across the room and thinks he is speaking to her) Oh my gosh thank you. You know its so hard to find a nice guy now a days because theyll tell you anything to get into bed with you but I can just tell youre different. FRANK Oh, um, thanks I guess. He spares Kylee a glance but for the rest of their conversation he never takes his eyes off Esther. KYLEE You know Id love to go out sometime, how about tomorrow night? FRANK You live with your grandmother right?

6. KYLEE Yeah, but dont worry, she usually goes to bed pretty early. FRANK Around what time? KYLEE Um, I dunno, usually around 8? FRANK Okay then, how about I come by around 5:30? KYLEE Um I guess thatll be okay. FRANK The doctor said she should be out of the hospital by tomorrow, what does she like to eat? Id really like to make her something special. KYLEE You know, I think it is so sweet that you care so much for my grandmother. She usually likes to have soup for dinner, and rice pudding for desert. She has a couple of fake teeth and they fall out pretty easily so the softer the food the better. FRANK Sounds perfect. INT. BACK OF THE AMBULENCE FRANK God she is such a fox! I think for the first time in my life Ive finally found someone I can see myself settling down with. I dont think Ive ever been this attracted to a woman before. JOHN Oh the granddaughter? Yeah she was pretty hot I guess but dont get ahead of yourself.

7. FRANK The granddaughter? Oh right, her of course. But man, you dont understand, I mean, think Ive finally found my true love. You gotta help me... I have a date with her tomorrow night and I need you to help me win her heart. JOHN Ok ok calm down. Let me think for a sec. (pauses pondering) Oh! You know what I do with girls to get them laid when I go to their house? I rent that Twilight movie, its like a proven fact that vampire shit always makes girls super horny. FRANK Hmm, you really think thatll work? JOHN Trust me man, it totally will. INT. LIVING ROOM OF ESTHERS HOUSE All three of them are sitting and watching a movie, Frank and Kylee are sharing a snuggee Kylee upon Kylees insistence, Kylee is snuggled up to Frank, though during the movie his eyes never leave Esthers face, who lies asleep in her chair with her mouth open, he is completely captivated as if she were the most interesting thing in the world. As a romantic scene comes on, Kylee snuggles closer to Frank and under the blanket the outline of her hand can be seen moving over to his crotch area, she smiles at him and starts kissing his neck. He looks at her in horror, looks back over to Esther and jumps up suddenly. Because they are attached by the snuggee, Kylee falls off the couch and looks at Frank angrily. FRANK You know, your grandmother looks pretty tired, maybe I should bring her up to bed. KYLEE Shes fine, we can bring up when the movie is over.

8. FRANK Ill just do it now so we have to worry about it later Really, you just wait right its no trouble.

Look, dont okay? here,

KYLEE Wow Frank, you really are the sweetest guy, Ive never had a boyfriend whose cared for my grandmother quite as much as you. I think you might just be the one. Frank gives her a fleeting smile as he gently wakes Esther and brings her upstairs. INT. ESTHERS BEDROOM Frank lays her down in bed. ESTHER Thanks child, and might I say, you sure did give me some great DIC. Would you mind handing me my bible? Frank does and sits at the edge of her bed. FRANK Esther, theres something I have to tell you. ESTHER I think I know what youre about to say and I think you and my granddaughter together are just fine. I have to warn you though, you better not cross that girl because when it comes to love shes a devil child. She can get real mean real fast. Truth is, if I was a little younger I might just want to snag you up for myself. FRANK Do you really feel that way? ESTHER Sure, but my time is past. FRANK Oh Esther, I disagree. The truth is, its not your granddaughter I love, its you. (MORE)

9. FRANK (CONT'D) Ive never felt this way about anyone. I mean cant you feel the sexual tension between us? The feelings and the passion, its almost tangible. After a pause of Esther and him just looking at each other, she farts quietly. When he cant stand it anymore, Frank lunges over and starts furiously making out with Esther. After a few seconds of their furious passion, during which time Esthers wig has fallen off, Kylee bursts open the door in a murderous rage and Frank and Esther look at her like deer caught in headlights. KYLEE Aw HELL NO! You did not just use me to get to my grandmother! You even more twisted than my boyfriend who left me for Clarence! ESTHER Patience child! Calm yourself! FRANK Look Kylee, Im sorry for the mix up, but its Esther I love, not you. Its nothing personal, but its just how I feel. And Ive never felt this way about anyone before, how can you deny a love as true as this? KYLEE Cuz thats my 83 year grandmother you sick fuck! Get the hell out of this house! I opened my heart to you, and you just threw it in my face. FRANK Im sorry Kylee but nothing you say or do can keep us apart. My whole life Ive felt like this part of me has been missing, like Im an Armidillo with no shell, but this sexy woman I lay in bed with right now, completes that shell to make a fully fledged animal. KYLEE You know what, fine, you stay here, Ill leave. Ive got some things I gotta do anyways. (MORE)

10. KYLEE (CONT'D) But your skinny ass better be out of this house within the next two hours otherwise I swear to god Ill kill you. And mark my words Frank, you WILL pay for this. Have no questions about that. FRANK Theres nothing you could do to me when I have Esther by my side. UGH! KYLEE

Kylee storms out of the room. FRANK Now where were we? Starts to go back to getting with Esther but she stops him. ESTHER Look, Frank, I know this has been great and all but I cant defy my granddaughter like this. So I say we enjoy these next two hours and then just go back to our lives as they were. ButFRANK

ESTHER Im sorry child, this is just the way it has to be. FRANK Well, at least I can say I experienced love at one point in my life. Even if it was only for a short while, the pain I feel now was worth having this one evening of bliss, with you. And I want you to have this. He hands her a tube of cream. Your DIC? ESTHER

Frank nods solemnly. Frank I couldnt...

11. FRANK (tearing up) Please, just take it. I have to go soon... but its okay, because Ill always have my cats to comfort me at the end of the day. They kiss passionately, and Frank exits. INT. FRANKS APARTMENT Frank opens the door to his apartment to find all of his cats have been murdered and someone painted GRANDMA FUCKER on the wall of his living room in their blood. He falls to his knees in the middle of his living room and cries out in pain. NOOOO! FRANK

He then collapses into fits of uncontrollable sobbing. FADE OUT