AMERICAN DAD "Shock and A Paul" Written by Brad Cook

ACT ONE EXT./ESTAB. SMITH HOUSEHOLD - NIGHT Light from the open front door stains the porch outside the Smith household as people stream out of it. INT. FRONT DOOR - SAME STAN stands with FRANCINE, holding the door for his guests. JACKSON approaches the door, coat draped over his shoulder. He rubs his bulging belly with his free hand. JACKSON I havent been this stuffed since last week at Greg and Terrys! Stan laughs, slaps him on the back. STAN Jackson, I dont know whether to say thank you, or ring up Westboro Baptist! Francine forces a smile as Jackson ambles out of the house, confused. SANDERS comes through next. SANDERS You guys, I have to admit, you throw a hell of a dinner party. I usually dread these forced affairs for Bullocks wife, but this one was almost tolerable! Stan shrugs with pride. STAN Well, you know what they say: Everyones good at something. In my case, that something is everything. SANDERS And Francine, those melons! Dont even get me started. STAN (joking) Hey, thats my wife youre talking about! Sanders and Stan chuckle as he exits the house.

2. FRANCINE Thanks for coming. DUPERs clone walks up with a SEXY WOMAN under his arm. STAN Duper-Two! Hey, tell Martha again that were all super sorry. Super Duper sorry! Haha! Ha! DUPER-TWO (humorless) Good one, Stan. Now if youll excuse me, Im going to go destroy this female, and then her sister. Francine is dismayed, until REGGIE drunkenly stumbles into her. Regaining his balance, he blurts out: REGGIE Tell Hayley I aint say goodbye. FRANCINE Reggie, you know, we can call you aREGGIE Bitch, I am a KOALA. I dont drive! I live in the trees! He scatters off on all fours, chattering and squealing. From a distance, he calls back: REGGIE (O.S.) (CONTD) I realize you were only trying to be helpful, and subsequently regret my insult! DICK comes next, holding his little dog BISCUIT in his arms. STAN Didnt you steal that dog, Dick? How do you still have it? DICK I havent been home in six months! STAN Okay! Take care, now! Stan ushers him out. BULLOCK and COCO, his fat, Asian mistress, sashay over.

3. STAN (CONTD) Sir, no offense to you or Coco, but I thought this party was for your wife? BULLOCK Oh, but it was. I called her earlier and let her know what a lovely time we were having. Also that I wouldnt be home tonight. Or tomorrow. Bullock whispers giddily into Stans ear. BULLOCK (CONTD) Cocos parents are out of town. Bullock giggles as they skip through the door. JEFF steps up to them. JEFF Well, thanks for the food, Mr. and Mrs. S. I had a great time. He slinks toward the door. FRANCINE Jeff, you live here. Jeff stops. JEFF Oh yeah. Cool! He turns and walks back inside. Stan shuts the door. You know, party for year, but Something attention STAN Ive been dreading that the better part of the it wasnt so bad! about being the center of really gets me goin.

Stan thrusts his hips in the air sensually, slowly. STAN (CONTD) Not just going, Francine. Goin. With a sexy, sexy apostrophe. Francine moves close to him.

4. FRANCINE Mmm... I wanna go where youre goin. They stand there, thrusting their hips in the air simultaneously. KLAUS creeps his bowl into the corner of the frame, ogles Francine. INT. KITCHEN - MORNING The FAMILY sits at the table eating a green goo. FRANCINE Isnt this nice? The whole family together, getting healthy. STEVE, bags under his eyes, picks at the goo with a fork. FRANCINE (CONTD) Whats wrong, Steve? Youve barely touched your multi-flavor multivitamin multi-grain multi-paste. Steve grazes a prong of the fork with his tongue, recoils. STEVE This stuff is awful! HAYLEY pulls a spoon of goo away from her mouth indignantly. HAYLEY Its an acquired taste, Steve. Once you acquire it, youll be able to taste it correctly. STEVE Well its been two weeks, how long does it take!? Stan eats the paste without complaint. Francine spreads the paste on toast. FRANCINE Somebodys a grumpy pants. She bites into the toast and cringe-gags. STEVE You wanna know whats wrong? Ask Roger!

5. ROGER perks up. ROGER Okay, but I think its important to keep in mind that my wig selection has felt a tad sparse lately, and I had just red-boxed Edward Scissorhands-Steve lifts the hair right off his bald head, revealing it as a wig. Francine gasps. ROGER (CONTD) Do you know what kind of benefits cancer patients get? You should be thanking me! I mean, they get it all. Trust me. STEVE And now I have to eat this puke! He SLAMS his fist on the table. A thud beneath the table alerts the family. Steve crawls under, emerges with a small parcel. STEVE (CONTD) It says Mid-Wednesday, with If Francines not around. Heh. in parenthesis. Stan hops to his feet. STAN Oh, that? Thats, uh, thats a football. I know how Francine hates it when I toss around the pigskin. FRANCINE No I dont. STAN Well you know, sometimes when Steve and I go out to... run some plays... (drops the charade) It-its, uh, its a steak. Ive been sneaking steaks. Thanks a lot, Steve. I totally had that.

6. HAYLEY I cant believe this! None of you are even giving this a chance. Youre all so closed-minded! Roger zones out as the words closed-minded echo in his ears. The arguing family fades into a wordless hum. The thud of the steak parcel landing on the table snaps him out of it. The family continues to argue, unaware of his upset state. STEVE All you eat is plants! STAN I ate your vomit-food, I just needed some meatrition! HAYLEY You cant even think for yourself! FRANCINE Stop yelling! STOP YELLING!

Roger pushes his plate away dramatically, crosses his arms. Nobody notices. He shoves the plate further down the table. The family continues to argue. Roger picks up his plate and WHIPS it at the wall. It SHATTERS and everyone goes silent. From the splattered vitamin paste on the wall, a tiny FLY mutates into a baseball-sized beast. It rapidly circles the room a few times, then CRASHES right through the back door. Neat. ROGER

FRANCINE If you wanted our attention, you only had to ask. ROGER Did I ever tell you guys about Paul? STAN Whos Paul? He sounds queer. ROGER He was. Paul was my brother. Collective gasp. FRANCINE You had a brother?

7. ROGER Only about two hundred of the bastards. And you guys think Im annoying! Whoo! STAN No, we... Okay. Sorry. Continue. ROGER He got here a few years before me. Naturally his entrance wasnt quite as dramatic as mine. I have a video of him upstairs, actually. Stan and Francine depart with Roger, while Steve and Hayley glare at each other, oblivious. INT. ATTIC - MOMENTS LATER Roger, face buried, feet in the air, digs through one of the boxes next to his bar. Random objects fly out: a bag of syringes, a seagull, a black latex body suit, some pogs. He emerges with a VCR. Flips the front flap open, peeks in. Aha! ROGER

Roger waddles over to the TV with it, sets it down. He reaches behind the TV to unplug the cable wire, grunts and groans, trying to get it off. ROGER (CONTD) Easier getting a codpiece off a king! He finally gets it, turns the TV on. On screen: Hollywood Squares. A HOST asks a question. HOST Youre the worlds most popular fruit. What are you? The video cuts to PAUL LYNDE. Humble. PAUL

The audience erupts into laughter. Stans jaw hangs low, Francines eyes bug wide.

8. STAN Your brother was Paul Lynde!? That... That explains a lot, actually. ROGER Oh good, you know him. No need to keep watching this, then! He YANKS the VCR from the TV, ripping the cable out. FRANCINE Roger! What are you-Roger SLAMS the VCR to the ground, proceeds to stomp the hell out of it. He runs behind the bar, pulls out a can of gasoline, douses the broken VCR. Lights a match on his ass and tosses it on the VCR, watches it burn with glee. He then scrambles behind the bar to get a fire extinguisher, puts the fire out, gathers the ashes into a glass. Roger pees into the glass, then drinks the ash-piss solution with a grimace. Stan and Francine gape at Roger. He wipes his mouth with his arm. ROGER That way I can rid myself of him once again. STAN You two mustve been close. FRANCINE How have you never mentioned the fact that you had a celebrity brother? ROGER Cause I hate him. Hated him. Still hate him. FRANCINE That means... Paul Lynde was an alien! ROGER Took you that long, huh? STAN Wait a minute, Paul Lynde died decades ago! I thought you aliens lived for hundreds of years.

9. ROGER Yeah well, that one didnt. I dont wanna talk about it! Ahhhh! He runs away, flailing his arms. STAN That guy. He was the one who brought it up! INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Stan lays in bed with Francine, arms crossed behind his head. STAN Boy, it really was a different time, huh? FRANCINE The sixties? STAN I mean, people were cool back then. And back then, cool meant something. Back before Fergie, Bieber, and swag. Blech. Francine nods fervently, then covertly treasures a photo of Justin Bieber under the blanket. STAN (CONTD) None of the sissies today compare to the Marlboro Man, or The Rat Pack. Theyre the ones who invented cool! Francine caresses his chest. FRANCINE You know who is cool... is you. And me. We kicked that dinner partys ass! We should have like TEN more! A light bulb goes off in Stans head. He hops out of bed. STAN We wont be throwing any more dinner parties, Francine. Theyre going to be thrown for us. FRANCINE What the heck are you saying?

10. Stan swoops Francine off the bed. STAN Im saying were bringing cool back! Move over, Brangelina, and say hello to STANCINE! FRANCINE Im not sure people will be as interested in us as they are in famous movie stars. STAN Nonsense! All we have to do is act like people already are interested in us! The Kardashians have been doing it for years! FRANCINE It just seems unrealistic to me. Stan tosses her back onto the bed. STAN Fine. Fine. No, you know what, thats better actually, me doing it alone. Then I finally get to use the name Stantastic. Look at my Stantastic face! He crinkles his eyebrows, smiles awkwardly. STAN (CONTD) Okay, well work on that. This is gonna be great! Ill get to stay out late, and go to fancy parties and make everyone laugh, and probably try drugs-Francines eyes shoot open. FRANCINE Drugs!? Im in. INT. KITCHEN - MORNING Hayley sits at the table, a platter of questionable food items in front of her. Rubbing his eyes and yawning, Steve enters. STEVE Where are mom and dad?

11. HAYLEY Huddled in their room, studying replays of Dean Martin and Marilyn Monroe. Steve takes a seat at the table. STEVE Im not even gonna ask. He glances at the plate in front of Hayley. She slides it toward him, grins. HAYLEY Enjoy your breakfast, Steve. STEVE What, you squash a few bugs on a plate and think Ill eat it? Oh, no. Not again! Jeff stands off to the side. JEFF She got you with that, too? HAYLEY These are soy products! Sure, they look like dead bugs, but they lack the protein bugs are so rich in. STEVE Youre really making a strong case here. HAYLEY You havent even tried them yet! You just preemptively decided you wouldnt like them. Closed-minded! Steve walks over to the fridge, pulls it open. STEVE Okay! Okay! You wanna talk closedminded? Here. Let me grill this up for you. He tosses a T-bone steak at her. HAYLEY Steve, you know I dont eat meat. STEVE Fine. How about some eggs?

12. HAYLEY Cant. No animal products. STEVE Some Frosted Mini-Wheats? With soy milk, of course. Hayley shakes her head. HAYLEY Riddled with gelatin. STEVE A cold, refreshing beer, perhaps? HAYLEY Not unless its vegan. Most beers are filtered using egg whites. STEVE A veggie sandwich, then? HAYLEY Oooh, depends. Is the bread made with whey? STEVE Do I need to keep going? HAYLEY Hey, I eat the way I do because of the lifestyle I subscribe to. Steve slams the fridge closed. STEVE So if I went and joined some weird cult like Scientology youd leave me alone? HAYLEY Oh, were you looking to join? I can get you a free stress test! Steve walks away, grumbling. INT. HOLLYWOOD SQUARES STUDIO - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) A CONTESTANT, dressed in the colorfully ridiculous fashion of the seventies, is seated next to host PETER MARSHALL. The audience quiets as Peter lifts a card to read it.

13. PETER Youre the worlds most popular fruit. What are you? On PAUL LYNDE in the center square, his salty smile firmly entrenched. Humble. PAUL

The audience erupts into rapturous laughter and applause. INT. PAULS DRESSING ROOM - LATER (FLASHBACK) The door opens as Paul walks in. He closes and locks it with a contented sigh. He plops down on the couch, slips off his jacket, wig. He reaches out for the bottle of Jack Daniels on the table in front of him before realizing that its empty. Paul frowns, glances around the room. PAUL Roger! I know youre here. Roger stumbles out of a convenient shadow in the back of the otherwise well-lit room. He walks over to Paul, slurring. ROGER Jack Daniels? You cheap son-of-abitch. Youre the CENTER SQUARE! Still, I takes what I can get. PAUL Come to berate me some more? ROGER It must get so boring, is all. PAUL Once again, Roger, I assure you it doesnt. ROGER I mean, playing the same character all the time? Id kill myself! PAUL Im not playing a character! This is who I am!

14. ROGER Who you are? Youre an ALIEN! A space man! You are E.T. the ExtraTerrestrial! Hey, thats kinda catchy. PAUL (whispers) Keep it down! ROGER Do you understand what it takes to live with all my characters? I took a year of night classes to learn Swahili just for international track star Hot Dogs Namibia! PAUL You just dont get it. Were different people. ROGER You are not a people! You never will be! Paul looks Roger sternly in the eye. PAUL Get out of my dressing room. If youre so talented, it shouldnt be too hard to get your own. ROGER Okay. Fine. Cool. No, Ill leave. Roger swipes the jacket, wig from the table, puts them on as he runs out the door. Fans scream out, thinking hes Paul. ROGER (O.S.) (CONTD) Out of my way, dump truck! END OF ACT ONE

15. ACT TWO INT. STRETCH LIMO - NIGHT Stan and Francine, all dressed up, sip champagne in the back. FRANCINE You think anyone saw the ad? STAN Of course! All the hipsters read the Wall Street Journal. FRANCINE I still think John and Linda shouldve come with. STAN Look, do you want this night to be about Stancine, or Johnda? Now, just play it like we rehearsed. Witty banter, engage the crowd, never more than three feet apart. Weve got this in the bag. The limousine slows to a halt. STAN (CONTD) Aaaaand BREAK! EXT. LANGLEY LIVERY STEAK HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Stan and Francine exit the limo, waving and smiling. Instead of cheering fans, theyre greeted by a couple HOMELESS PEOPLE and a few COLLEGE KIDS. The red carpet is a Slip n Slide. The ringmaster of this debacle, Jeff Fischer, stands proudly off to the side in his tuxedo T-shirt. Stan and Francine whisper to each other out of the side of their mouths: FRANCINE This is the best we could do? A steak house with some bums? Wheres the glamor? STAN Were on a budget! Even so, I fully regret putting Jeff in charge.

16. Stan and Francine greet the grungy crowd as they enter the restaurant, Stan refusing to shake any hands. INT. LANGLEY LIVERY STEAK HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER SNOT and Toshis parents SEX DOLL are seated at a table, each with a plate of food. SNOT Turned out I didnt forget my watch after all! It was on my wrist the whole time. The doll stares back at him lifelessly. SNOT (CONTD) Youre telling me! He chuckles to himself. The doors to the restaurant are THROWN open. Jeff, in his tuxedo T-shirt, enters offering a proclamation: JEFF Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Stancine! A light, confused smattering of applause as Stan and Francine enter the restaurant. Snot does a double-take on seeing them. STAN No, please, keep your seats! Im Stan, this is my wife Francine. Were just here to liven the place up a bit. Garon! A round on me! A more confident, accepting round of applause. Across the room, Snot gives Stan a stink eye, snorts. SNOT Stancine? Who do they think they are? He turns back to the doll. Her head is turned towards Stan and Francine. Really!? SNOT (CONTD)

At the front of the room, Stan and Francine lean on the bar.

17. STAN Scotch on the rocks, and an appletini. FRANCINE What a gentleman, ordering my drink. STAN What? No, those are for me. Tell the man what you want! Snot watches them from a distance as a photographer kneels in front of them. Stan pulls Francine in close for the shot. SNOT I have a camera... and I need money! Snot turns back toward his date. Shes gone. He looks around for her until he hears Stan speak. STAN (O.S.) Well hello there. Snot looks over to find the doll standing by Stan at the bar. Terror takes over his face. He slowly rises, moves to the exit. INT. STEVES ROOM - NIGHT Steve lays on his bed. Hayley sits on the floor propped against it. Her eyelids droop. On screen, the final scene from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The camera moves forward into a field of stars. SPOCK (V.O.) ... To boldly go where no man has gone before. Steve stares at the TV in reverie, a tear hanging from the corner of his eye. Hayleys eyelids flutter as she nods off. Steve speaks, waking her. STEVE Tugs at the heart strings.... Steve peruses a pile of DVDs on the bed.

18. STEVE (CONT'D) Well, next up we have-HAYLEY Ive now seen every film ever made with the word star in the title. Im not watching any more movies! STEVE How would you even know if you liked them? Youve been asleep the whole time! Roger pops up from behind the bed, scaring Hayley and Steve. HAYLEY How long have you been there? ROGER Long enough to know that Steves right. Youre not even giving these a chance! There are some classics here. HAYLEY Are you serious? Ive been sitting here for eight hours watching them. STEVE I think you decided you werent going to like them before we even started. HAYLEY Look, space just isnt my thing! She stands up, walks to the TV, pops in her own DVD. STEVE You said you werent watching any more movies. HAYLEY Im not. You are. Its your turn. On screen: AL GORE walks out toward a podium on stage. The words An Inconvenient Truth appear. STEVE Oh, God, no! HAYLEY Look at that! You just decided that you werent going to like it! (MORE)

19. HAYLEY (CONT'D) If youre so open-minded, youll give it a chance. ROGER This is AMERICA, Hayley. If something sucks, you dont have to give it a chance! Thats the whole point! HAYLEY Then why do I have to like star movies? STEVE/ROGER Because they dont suck! EXT. SIR FRANCIS DRAKE HOTEL - DAY (FLASHBACK) Paul whistles a tune, greets two POLICE OFFICERS parked in front of the hotel as he strolls inside. INT. HOTEL ROOM - SAME (FLASHBACK) A swanky suite. Roger, dressed to look like Paul, woos BING DAVIDSON, a cocky young actor. Roger holds out a bottle of champagne, fills both of their cups to the brim. ROGER Race you to the bottom! They knock it back. Bing finishes shortly before Roger. ROGER (CONTD) Nicely done. Strong throat. I can see why he likes you. Who? BING

ROGER Me... The royal he. BING Wait, youre a king? No wonder you got this rad hotel room. Roger pops the cork on a new bottle of champagne, pours them another.

20. ROGER Shhhhh. You just drink that and look pretty. Can do! BING

Roger glances at his watch as they drink. INT. ELEVATOR - SAME (FLASHBACK) Paul pushes the button for the eighth floor. The doors begin to close. INT. HOTEL ROOM - SAME (FLASHBACK) Roger looks from his watch to the door to Bing. ROGER What say we take this party outside? I need a cigarette. They head out to the balcony. Roger pulls out a cigarette, lights it. BING I didnt know you smoked. I dont. ROGER

He takes a long, thick drag, puffs it out expertly. Inside the room the door opens. Paul walks inside, calls out. PAUL Bing, papas home! Paul sees Roger and Bing on the balcony. As the brothers lock eyes, the situation registers with Paul. NO! PAUL (CONTD)

Roger grabs Bings legs, FLIPS him over the railing, then yells as he runs past a despondent Paul and out the door. ROGER Youve been too happy recently and it bugs me!

21. Pauls frozen, unable to move. A grunt from the balcony breaks the stunned silence. He runs over to find Bing hanging from the ledge by one hand. BING Bro, save my life! Paul reaches through the railing. PAUL Give me your hand! Okay! BING

He releases his one remaining hand and falls to his death. Paul lays on his stomach, arm over the edge of the balcony. He slowly reels himself in. Tears stream down his face as he notices the bottle of champagne to his side. He grasps it, brings it to his lips. END OF ACT TWO

22. ACT THREE INT. SNOTS ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON The setting sun casts a golden sheen over the bedroom. On Snots bed, an open duffel bag. Snot steps out of a shadow, holding a newspaper. Next to a large picture of Stan grabbing Francines ass the headline reads Stancine Steps Out. Again. He approaches the bed, begins packing gear: binoculars, an MRE, sunglasses, a hat, nunchucks. He zips up the bag, slings it over his shoulder. The camera pulls back to reveal an old wooden studio camera with a tripod and a tarp. Snot grabs it by the tripod, struggles through the door with it. INT. CONCERT VENUE - EVENING A Phish-esque jam band accurately titled The Dirty Hippies noodles around on stage. In the crowd, a bunch of babyboomers wearing tie-dye and Hayley groove to the music. Steve approaches wearing a grin. They yell to each other: HAYLEY Looks like youre having a good time! I knew you would! STEVE I sure am! In the past half hour two drunk moms have given me their phone number. And Im pretty sure this is still the bands first song! An old man next to them overhears, speaks up: OLD MAN The Dirty Hippies dont believe in songs. Song structure is like... a musical cage, man. Steve eyes him warily, turns to Hayley. HAYLEY Thats great, but what do you think of the music?

23. STEVE Oh, the music? I dont know, I havent really been paying attention. He cocks his ear toward the band. STEVE (CONTD) Its okay, I guess. Not really my kinda thing. HAYLEY I bought you a ticket and brought you all the way out here and youre just gonna blow this off? STEVE Im not blowing it off. I have nothing against the band, I get why you like it, its just not something Im into. HAYLEY Well I think you would be into it if you actually gave it a chance. STEVE Fine! Ill sit here and listen attentively. It wont change how I feel about it, but Ill do it. HAYLEY Thank you. On the way home well listen to what you want. SUPER: Two hours later... Steve shakes in a fetal position as Hayley and the hippies continue to flail about around him. The music comes to a stop as the crowd cheers. HAYLEY (CONTD) Man, that was great. You ready to go? STEVE What day is it? How long have we been here?

24. INT. HAYLEYS CAR - LATER Dubstep blares from the speakers as they drive home. Steve is much better, although Hayley is visibly uncomfortable. The bass drops and Hayley cringes. HAYLEY How can you listen to this? Its like music for robots! STEVE Exactly! I always wished I was born a robot. As they drive, they pass... EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS A moderately fancy bar. A handful of photographers hang around the entrance. A limo pulls up, stops. Francine exits from the back seat. Stan exits from the drivers seat. Valet! STAN

A man comes and hesitantly takes the keys. STAN (CONTD) Take er around back! FRANCINE I know it was cheaper without a driver, but I dont think this helps our image. STAN Nonsense! Look, theres a real red carpet this time and I didnt even have pay for it! They head up the carpet, greeting and waving. One or two of the PHOTOGRAPHERS snap a quick shot, but theyre the subject of very little interest. Near the door, an old studio camera half-draped in a camouflage wrap. Snots feet stick out the bottom, an old flash bulb in his hand.

25. As Stancine approaches, Snot fiddles around, trying to snap a picture but nothing happens. He peeks out of his cover. Stan and Francine gawk at him. Snot snatches up the camera, runs for the bushes behind him. As he does, the flash bulb in his hand goes off, shooting sparks. The camouflage wrap catches fire as he runs away, screaming. FRANCINE That screaming sounded an awful lot like Snot... Stans not paying attention. STAN Whats with the general disinterest? Whos the red carpet for if not us? Right on cue, a huge limo pulls up. JOANNE and BENJAMIN FULLER explode out of it, swankily dressed and all smiles. The photographers swarm them. Benjamin oozes charm as he pretend-fends them off for his wife. BENJAMIN Back! Back, you animals! Everyone laughs as he drops the facade. BENJAMIN (CONTD) Good to see you again, guys! William, Kevin, Brian... who else we got? Benjamin surveys the crowd. BENJAMIN (CONTD) Anderson! You old dog! Hows it feel to be a father? One of the paparazzi declares in a relaxed baritone: ANDERSON (O.S.) Feels good, man. A midget with a tiny clipboard squeezes his way to the front of the group. JOANNE Low-down Leroys definitely here!

26. Back on Stan and Francine. STAN Their crowd control is impeccable! FRANCINE Shes so beautiful... I dont even think shes wearing makeup! The pack of fans and photogs follows JOANNJAMIN as they strut toward the entrance. On the way, they pass Stan and Francine. Stan steps forward. Hi, there. STAN

BENJAMIN Heya! Havent seen you here before. Who are you? Stancine! STAN

BENJAMIN Stancine... kinda weird. I like it! (to Francine) And you are? FRANCINE No, no. This is my husband Stan, and Im Francine. Were Stancine! It clicks with Benjamin. His eyes narrow slightly. BENJAMIN Ahhh, so you guys are doing the socialite thing too! Thats so cool! This is my wife Joanne, and Im Benjamin. Were Joannjamin! JOANNE It was a little tough to break in with that name, but we made it! BENJAMIN And Boannes better, Jo? Boanne?... Anyway, shall we? Benjamin gestures toward the entrance. Stancine walks inside, Joannjamin follows.

27. INT. STUFF AND JUNK PAWN SHOP - NIGHT Snot bursts in the front door, his hair singed, his clothes burned, face blackened with ash. He lugs the unharmed camera to the counter, where a husky bald man rests his elbows. BALD MAN What can I help you with? SNOT (stern) What can I get for this? The Bald Man examines it. BALD MAN Yknow, this is a really cool piece. Its, uh, its a camera. Often used to capture images of one or more subjects... Looks like it might be kinda old. Thats generally gonna bring down the price. CUTAWAY: BALD MAN TALKING HEAD He speaks with wildly excessive hand motions. BALD MAN (CONTD) If this camera is what I think it is, then this guy has no idea what hes got. Just the way I like it! Problem is, Im not sure if it is what I think it is. Back on Snot and the Bald Man at the counter. BALD MAN (CONTD) Im not sure what to make of this. To be absolutely fair to you, Im gonna call up a buddy of mine who knows all about these kinda things. The Bald Man presses a button under the counter. Off-screen, a buzzer, then the sound of a metal cage opening. A door behind the counter opens, and a scruffy, unkempt EXPERT is kicked through it. He regains his footing, braces himself on the counter. EXPERT (weakly) Yes, sir?

28. BALD MAN Look at this camera. Inform the man about his item. Yes, sir. EXPERT

On analyzing it, the Expert brightens. EXPERT (CONTD) Remarkable! What you have here is an exquisite-The Bald Man kicks the Expert. He speaks with a strain. EXPERT (CONTD) -ly ordinary camera. Yes, nothing special here. Id value it around seventy-The Expert loses his balance from being kicked again, catches himself on the counter. EXPERT (CONTD) Forty-five dollars. The Bald Man unzips a wicked grin. BALD MAN You heard the expert. Snot sighs. A beat. SNOT Well, Ill take what I can get. BALD MAN Smart man. Here. He pops open a cash register filled with hundred dollar bills. He struggles to find small bills. BALD MAN (CONTD) Twenty... Forty... Ah cmon... What the hell, heres fifty. SNOT Gee, thanks! BALD MAN Dont mention it, kid. CUTAWAY: BALD MAN TALKING HEAD

29. BALD MAN (CONTD) Listen, sometimes you just gotta take a gamble. That weird homeless kid couldve said no. I mightve had to pay him, who knows, maybe a hundred dollars. When you take the risks, sometimes you cash out-An OLD MAN chimes in off-screen. OLD MAN (O.S.) Just found a buyer for fifteenthousand! BALD MAN ... And sometimes you cash in. He lets out a weasely laugh, kicks the chair over, and jumps into a cash tornado machine. EXT. CLUB GAY - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) A long line of men in various stages of undress. Roger, dressed as Paul, is second in line. He holds a mostly-empty six-pack, his wig crooked and his shirt on backwards. The bouncer opens the gate, lets in the first person in line. ROGER Hey! Hey! Who says he gets to go in? I do. BOUNCER

ROGER Well what makes him so special? BOUNCER He was next in line. ROGER Oh, yeah, Ive heard that one before. The bouncer towers over Roger as he steps closer. BOUNCER We gonna have a problem, buddy? ROGER Eh, dunno yet. Well see.

30. The bouncer lifts an eyebrow in confusion, then turns away from Roger to resume his job. Roger removes a bottle from his six-pack. He chugs it with delight, holds it and smiles for a satisfied second. Then he SHATTERS the bottle over the bouncers head. The bouncer falls, unconscious. Roger stares down at him. ROGER (CONTD) Nope. No problem! Everyone else in line stands back hesitantly. ROGER (CONTD) What are you waiting for? Doors open, boys! Roger runs inside. Most of the MEN follow. One GUY jogs over to a pay phone, picks it up. He puts a quarter in. GUY Hello? Yeah, Im at Club Gay on Queens Boulevard... INT. PAUL LYNDES BEDROOM - MORNING (FLASHBACK) Paul lays in bed sleeping, a ball gag in his mouth. A phone next to the bed rings, waking him abruptly. PAUL (gag still in mouth) Hello? He unclips the gag. Hello? PAUL (CONTD)

MARTY Paul! Its Marty Winston. Your PR guy. You remember me? PAUL Marty! How have you been? MARTY Well, Ive been working overtime here since last night. You have any recollection of last night, Paul?

31. PAUL Of course I do. I was macraming a hammock. To the side of his bed, a colorful hammock on which a NUDE MAN sleeps, drool running down the thumb stuck in his mouth. MARTY Thats not what the police say. Cops dont lie. PAUL (saucy) They do when theyre with me. MARTY Paul, turn it off a minute! This is serious! We just lost Donny and Marie! Paul jolts upright. EXT. PRIVATE HARBOR - NIGHT Stan and Francine walk down a dock to a huge yacht. FRANCINE That was so nice of Joannjamin to invite us out to their yacht! Ive never been on a yacht before. I have. STAN

FRANCINE What? When? STAN I dont wanna talk about it. FRANCINE Im so excited! Finally, some drugs! STAN How do you know theyll have drugs? FRANCINE Its a yacht party, Stan. Yacht party. Yacht party. STAN Okay, I get it!

32. FRANCINE Sorry, its just fun to say. The soft thump of distant techno music grows louder as they approach the massive ship. Snot trails them, hiding behind bushes. He holds up a disposable camera, snaps a picture as they walk in. INT. YACHT - CONTINUOUS Stan and Francine are surprised to find the yacht empty but for Joanne and Benjamin planted on a sofa. They stand to greet Stancine. BENJAMIN Hey, guys! So happy you could make it. FRANCINE Thanks for having us! You have a gorgeous boat. JOANNE Oh, this old thing? BENJAMIN (snippy) Shes not quite old, Jo! STAN How did you get this unbelievable harbor space? Its the only one on the water! BENJAMIN Well, we had this lake put in after an African-American started docking at our old spot. Gotta have some standards, yknow? So we figured, why even bother sharing? Six months later, Joannjamin Bay was finished. STAN (to Francine) I knew this was a good idea! We can have our own body of water! FRANCINE Lake Stancine!

33. STAN No, no! (dramatically) The Stancine Strait. I like it! FRANCINE

BENJAMIN (flat) Yes, its wonderful. So, how long have you guys been Stancine? STAN Actually this is only day three. We already have our own paparazzo, though! FRANCINE That was Sno-Stan kicks her. STAN Sno one we know, thats for sure! JOANNE Congratulations! It took us two months to get our first. Benjamin gives Joanne the stink eye. BENJAMIN Thanks for that little tidbit, Jo. Shall we go on deck and enjoy some champagne? EXT. YACHT DECK - MOMENTS LATER Joannjamin and Stancine ascend the steps to the deck. The stars twinkle in the clear night sky. They take their seats around a little table with four glasses of champagne. Each one grabs a glass, drinks. STAN Delish. Tastes even better on a yacht. Stan lifts his glass. STAN (CONTD) To new friends!

34. They all lift their glasses. Joanne looks uneasy. FRANCINE/BENJAMIN/JOANNE To new friends! They drink again. Joanne looks around. JOANNE Such a beautiful night. Lets all just take a moment to appreciate it. They survey the skies. BENJAMIN Y-yeah, that was nice, Jo. But how about that champagne! He takes another swig, gestures for everyone else to also. FRANCINE I love champagne and all, but where are the drugs? BENJAMIN I believe youll find your answer at the bottom of your glass... Francine cant see through the champagne, so she drinks it all. At the bottom of her glass, a powdery residue. FRANCINE Ah. Shoulda seen that one coming. Both Stan and Francine drop, unconscious. INT. STEVES ROOM - NIGHT Steve reads a book in bed. Hayley casually opens the door, walks in with a book in her hand. She notices Steve in bed, shrieks and drops it. HAYLEY Oh, hey... I didnt know you were home. Steve glances at the book she dropped. STEVE Whats that? Is that mine?

35. HAYLEY Uh no, I, uh... yeah. STEVE (angry) Youve been taking my books? No wonder I couldnt find The Prisoner of Azkaban to read it a fifth time! HAYLEY Look, Im sorry. Its just a really good series and-STEVE Wait, you actually read it? Ive never seen you read before. HAYLEY I love reading. Its just, Jeff hates it when I read. He says all that thinking is bad for my brain. (mocks Jeffs voice) Wear n tear, babe! Wear n tear! STEVE Wow! I had no idea! Which others have you read? HAYLEY Well I started with The Golden Compass, finished that series up and then moved onto Sabriel. A classic. STEVE

HAYLEY Now Im working on Harry Potter. STEVE Huh. I guess we do share some interests after all! HAYLEY Yeah. Im sorry for pushing mine on you. STEVE Me too. I guess were not closedminded. We just have preferences! Roger stands in the doorway.

36. ROGER No, youre definitely both closedminded. And stupid. And I hate you! He walks off. Steve and Haley are nonplussed. INT. PAUL LYNDES APARTMENT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Roger, in a blonde female wig and sparkly dress, busts through Pauls door. Paul! ROGER

He shuffles through the apartment, drunkenly crashing into things along the way. ROGER (CONTD) Paul, you old queen, where are you? He makes his way toward the bedroom, opens the door. On the bed, a wig and a letter. ROGER (CONTD) What is this, some sort of perverted hide n seek game? I like it! He grabs the letter, starts reading it. ROGER (CONTD) Dear Roger. He clears his throat, makes a minor, insignificant change to his accent to sound like Paul. ROGER (CONTD) Dear Roger. Well, thats it, man. Im done. Youve ruined me. Your little gay club stunt cost me just about the only thing I had going, and it was a crappy gig in the first place. Im heading back home. Im not talking Mount Vernon. Home. Our home. Or at least mine. You belong here on Earth. After all, youre the decider! I wish you werent so closed-minded, Roger. We couldve had fun. Love, Paul.

37. A tear hangs from the corner of Rogers eye. His lip quivers slightly as he removes his feminine wig, and slides Pauls wig over his head hesitantly. Roger picks up the phone, dials a number. ROGER (CONTD) Hello, Marty? Its Paul. Im ready to get back to work. EXT. YACHT DECK - NIGHT Benjamin slides Stan over to the edge of the yacht. Joanne stands back, looking around uncomfortably. JOANNE Ben, do we really have to kill them? I dont think theyre any real competition. Were already rich and popular enough as it is! Benjamin drops Stans unconscious body. BENJAMIN Rich enough, Jo? Popular enough? Those things do not exist. Now grab that woman and get over here! Something snaps inside Joanne. Her face gets very serious. JOANNE You got it, hun. She grabs Francines body, slides it over to the edge next to Stan. BENJAMIN Christ, thank you. Finally, some cooperation. Benjamin turns his back to Joanne. She grabs a metal statuette and BASHES the back of Bens head in. He falls over the railing and splashes into the water. Joanne shudders in delight. JOANNE God, that felt good! (to Stancine) Lets get you guys back on land.

38. EXT. PRIVATE HARBOR - MOMENTS LATER Stan and Francine come to as Snot shakes them. SNOT Hey! Wake up! STAN Huh? What happened? Stan sits up slowly, grabs his head. Francine rolls onto her back and groans. SNOT That guy tried to kill you, and then his wife killed him! It was insane! And I got it all on film! STAN Benjamin... is dead? SNOT Id assume so. Hes right over there. A red pool surrounds Benjamins body as he floats, face down, in the water. In the distance, the S.S. Joannjamin sails away. STAN Oh, that guys dead. FRANCINE You said you got it on film? Then weve gotta go to the police! SNOT Yeah, youre right. Its the right thing to do. STAN Whoa, whoa, whoa... are you guys crazy?! FRANCINE Oh my god, hes right! Were all accomplice-STAN If we wait long enough, there might be a reward! END OF SHOW

39. Pictures Snot took display over the credits: Stan flirting with the blow-up sex doll while Francine flirts with the bartender; an upskirt shot of Francine as she gets out of a limo; Stan on stage with a band, playing saxophone; Stan and Francine racing each other with midgets on their backs; a blurry picture of bushes from when Snot ran away.