The Shulgin Lab Books Pharmacology Lab Notes #3 (1980 - 1982)

A Bit About This Document: While undertaking the work of investigating the chemistry and pharmacology of many varied psychoactive substances, Alexander Sasha Shulgin kept detailed notebooks. His documentation covered not only on his own personal research, but the research of friends and acquaintances. This book, the third of the Pharmacology series, represents mostly active dose work-ups of various substances and subjective responses by Shulgin and his research group. It covers the time frame of 1980 to 1982. The Creation of This Document: The project to undertake the transcribing of Shulgins Lab Books was started in 2008 by a team of volunteers and staff at Erowid, along with members of Team Shulgin. Various books were transcribed without a clear idea of how to present the information as a final product; eventually this format was chosen and a volunteer began work assembling the document. Each page was painstakingly transcribed from scanned images. All the hand-drawn dirty pictures (molecule drawings) and graphs were edited from the original scans and combined with drawn-in marks, outlines, and arrows to form this searchable PDF. Most of the names in this document have been redacted and pseudonyms put in their place. Names are presented as much as possible as they were in the original book, for example Robert Thompson is also Robert, R.Thompson, and RT. Initials are frequently used, and no two people share names or initials so the reader can keep track of whos who. (ATS is Sasha and AP is Ann) Words highlighted in yellow are words that the transcription team could not decipher. If you think you can help us decipher some of these words, please contact shulginlabbooks@erowid.org; we would love your help. This document is intended to resemble the look and feel of the original lab book as much as possible; minor corrections and clarifications have been made to make things easier to read, and to better fit this format. Words created specifically by Shulgin remain as found, for example: Tooth-rubby to describe bruxism. Shulgin uses some shorthand throughout this book; the only shorthand we have made an effort to clarify is the use of the letter c with a dash above it (from the Latin word cum, meaning with), which had been replaced by [with]. Other common shorthand to note: is therefore, is approx. equal to, is identical to, and is equivalent to. Bold text represents typewritten documents that were pasted into the lab book by Shulgin, and bold italic text represents handwritten documents pasted into the book that are not in Shulgins handwriting. All other text is Alexander Shulgins. Credits: Project Lead: Plutonic Transcription Team: Plutonic, Bananaskin Image Editing/Redacting/PDF Assembly: Plutonic Team Shulgin: Sasha & Ann, Paul Daley, Tania & Greg Manning Erowid: Earth, Fire, Spoon, Jon Hanna

The original version of this document and supporting files can be found here: http://www.erowid.org/library/books_online/shulgin_labbooks/ For any questions or comments please contact shulginlabbooks@erowid.org Projects like this one are made possible by your continued support, please visit Erowid.org/donations

Alexander T. Shulgin Lafayette, Calif. 94549 Reward for return

Book Closed & Copied 5/1/83 Sept 1,1983

MD SERIES MDOH MDMA 324 422 328 340 362 378 384 387 414 423 325 332 331 350 374 382 393 408 415 427 333 360 375 388 403 410 420 441

MDA MDE

377 390 406 412 413

MISC YAGE DMT LSD POT PRIMER 5-FMeT 5-SCH3 DMT FREEBASE COCAINE PSILOCYBIN MIPT 5-MEO DIPT STRAYTRYPE 5-MEO MIPT 326 327 330 344 366 376 387 334 336 376 336 366 376 398 405 343 348 400 416 417 417 428

2C-SERIES 2C-E 2C-I 2C-B 4-THIO MESC. 2-TIM MESCALINE 4-TIM 3-TIM ISOMESCALINE MDPEA ESCALINE 2C-3A ISOPROSCALINE ME BUSCALINE MP TRANPOTAMINE 329 335 342 346 368 445 345 351 352 353 354 355 411 432 356 363 364 365 397 372 389 418 409 419 430 431

ALEPH SERIES ALEPH-7 338

3C-SERIES "R" - DOB GANESA BEATRICE DOPR MDA-7 DOM -Me-MDA ,N-diMe MDA MEM DOIP MMA MDE DOET 337 339 341 347 349 357 358 359 361 373 380 395 396 412 413 429

324
MDOH (from p 263)

++.5 100mg 6/30/79 10:30AM=[0:00] ATS, AG, TG, FB, PB, NT, AP all 100mg - AG [with] rapid motion -> fleeting nausea, others without distress. NT, AG enter very rapidly - all at or > ++ at [1:15]. AP quite slow. Supplement + 40mg at [2:10] TG, AP, NT & ATS all between ++ & +++ Easy talk, excellently received. Little visual, Slow descent ~[5:00] but still ~+ at [12:00], Modest eating. VZ Menlo Park - A.M. slight residue - slow, leisurely A.M. Good sleep except FB [with] some restlessness. Quite rewarding re feelings, relaxation, but negligible intellectual or personal. ++.5 ++ 9/16/79 10:50AM=[0:00] MP, AG, TG, AP, NT, CN, ATS - all 100mg. all [with] alerts [0:30 to 0:45]- quiet buildup to extraordinary peaceful & warm day. Perfectly acceptable warmth & closeness - much revery - eyes-closed reward. Very thermotropic (this all at Spruce St.) (7:30) fruit taken, light meal. - extremely tired afterwards. Most ++ to +++. me ++ 9/1/80 11:15AM=[0:00] GC, LC, AP, ATS all 100mg. GC extremely early alert [~0:15]- rapid development ATS, LC alerts [<:30] AP slower. Trace gut awareness. Excellent, balanced development by [1:15] or so GC & ATS + 40mg 1:45; LC & AP at [2:45] - Note decline GC, ATS ~[6:00] by [9:00] LC & AP still ~ ++ - GC well down, ATS too. [12:00] drive is comfortable. Impressive anorexia - wine [with] modest if little effect ++(.5) GC at +++, AP too. Some easy fantasy - some visual - not the closeness of MDA or MDMA, but extremely well received.

++(.5)

Ex FB 7/9/79. REPORT OF EXPERIENCE WITH MDOH On June 30, 1979, 10:30AM., ingested 100 m.g. of MDOH along with Peggy, Sasha, Anne, Aaron, Tina, and Neil.

325

This time the drug seemed much slower coming on than in my initial trial. I felt that I was dragging a heavier load inside, although I felt in general in a better space than on my first trial. The intoxication was slower to develop, and took almost an hour before it reached full effect, about twice as long as the first time. The feeling when it developed was marvelous, but not the same intensity of giddiness as the first time. I felt hampered the first hour by some internal barrier, which prevented total enjoyment. However, this began to break through in a wonderful way just before the supplement was offered. Since I felt I was beginning to move through the barrier, I declined the supplement, particularly since I was anxious to compare the after-effects with my first experience. I had found the first time a very remarkable experience, but felt unusually tired for several days after the first trial. I feel it is important to know whether this is a specific drug-induced affect, or the result of psychological phenomena. The experience continued in a rich, meaningful way. There was a marvelous inner glow, the warmth from all the other participants was marvelous to feel, nature was most beautiful. It was easy and very fruitful to think about various subjects. There were no dramatic breakthroughs, or rushes of insight or energy, but just a wonderful contemplative space where things gently unfolded as you put your attention on them. Going inside was particularly blissful. It felt very good to just close the eyes, relax, and move with the interior experience. Everyone's face took on a marvelous glow; everyone looked blissful and beautiful. The whole day moved on in like manner, everything being just wonderfully enjoyable, easy, mellow, delightful. A highlight came for me when Sasha put on Brahm's 2nd piano concerto. I was deeply moved by the music, looking up through the trees to the sky, and was quite overcome by the beauty, wonder, and goodness of everything. I felt so very, very fortunate to be part of it all. The wonderful experience lasted right on through the evening, with the marvelous glow continuing. It was a truly remarked experience, and one that brought us all very close together.

YAG:

B. caapi -> harmaline (p.225) B. rosbyana -> DMT (p.137) -> 5-OCH3 DMT.

326
"Changrapanga"

100mg Harmaline 60mg DMT HCl 9:48AM=[0:00] 7/12/79. [0:25] fleeting stomach awareness; [0:28] something starts [0:37] to a + of an ill defined DMT-like intox. I would like to push - almost to visuals. [:50] no more than + - start to fall. [1:00] clear.

Dan Franklin 100 dmt 100 harmaline ->DMT effects @ [:45]out[3:30] see 7/11/78

++

100mg Harmaline [-1:15] 60mg DMT HCl 11:05AM=[0:00] 7/12/79 [0:17] stomach aware [0:19] starting and quickly up to +. Ceiling pulsing. [0:30] still only + [with] eyes open, but strange eyes closed. [0:50] between + & ++; eyes closed becoming more difficult to generate, dropping or no dropping? [1:15] nearly down. Interesting trip - should have pushed further. [1:35] completely clear. almost ++. 100mg Harmaline [-3:30] 6mg 5-OCH3 DMT HCl 1:20PM=[0:00] 7/12/79. [0:20] nothing [0:25] alert - ? then absolutely nothing. Active all evening. Red wine little effect. (-)

327
DMT f. pages 137-136.

++(+) 60mg 7/16/79 ~10PM. (AP 60mg). Rapid onset - complete stoned isolation in ~1 minute for ~3 minutes - slow return but continued afterglow (pleasant) for ~30 minutes. Thrice repeated - no tolerance, no change in chronology. Easily handled. The intoxication if of limited usefulness but the residues are completely relaxing. ~+++

REPORT OF EXPERIENCE WITH MDMA Date: July 24, 1979

328

Place: Udinese's condominium at San Clemente Participants: Uma, Jacob, Tammie, Peggy, Fred Background: Jacob has requested another experience with "Window" before he returns to medical school in Mexico, and felt the beach would be an ideal place. In the meantime, Tammie has been suffering from stomach problems, which the doctor has diagnosed as "spastic colon," and had prescribed librium. She seems to be suffering a lot of tension from a number of significant changes coming up in her life: her boyfriend moving to San Diego to go to school, her planning to move out of her apartment and later this fall move to a new location. She welcomed a second experience (her first was the day after her 19th birthday, July 9, 1978). Dosage: All took 120 m.g. except Tammie who preferred to start with the amount she had had before, 100 m.g. 9:30 A.M. Start. 9:40. Tammie feels heart beating fast; feels antsy. Peggy reports first alert-tummy rumbles, excitement 10:05 I have had very slow start, but suddenly feel it come on quite strongly. Jacob has felt very little, but then he begins to feel strongly. Very shortly we are all quite intoxicated and feel absolutely marvelous. For me it is one of the most intense intoxications with this material. Uma entered deeply somewhat before Jacob We all feel glorious. Everyone's face, voice, skin, soften. The ocean is spectacular. All of Tammie's stomach pains disappear. She feels free of pain and tension for the first time in months. She watches the breakers, seeing them as long smiles, and the ocean saying, "Come play with me!" She writes some poetry. We all have a marvelous time together, talking freely. 11:00 We all take 40 m.g. supplement. We had started to come down slightly, and as the supplement took told, the conversation became more animated. We continue with a perfectly beautiful day. Tammie says she has never felt better in her whole life, and is very grateful for the experience. Jacob suggests looking down on your body, and noticing any place that has tension or pain, and healing it. We try this and it works fine. I find the ocean and heavy surf a great stimulus to exalted thoughts -- the timelessness, feeling of eternity, the marvelous state of the world, the hope for mankind, the wonder of these materials and those that make them possible. There is a marvelous feeling of centeredness. It is such a privilege to have one's family together under these circumstances. Jacob demonstrates a great deal of medical insight and intuition. He has a great feel for it. It has been a foggy day, but some sun breaks through. Out on the balcony, everything is alive and the ocean is marvelous. 2:00 Peggy is still high, but the others have returned pretty much to normal, although feeling wonderful. There is a sense of loss as the height of the experience leaves, but we remain in intimate touch and have a wonderful afternoon. We play music, and enjoy relaxing and being together. July 28 Several days later, on a hike into the mountains, Peggy and I still very much feel the experience and the joy of sharing with with others.

329
2CE from p.236

+++ 20mg 7/28/79 (AP 12mg) 1:05=[0:00] To verify (challenge) the Memphis negative experience. AP as control. First alerts ATS [:20] AP [0:38] by [1:10] up to barely + one. slow, quiet buildup. [1:40] to ++ [with] some (good) body shakes - arousal - beginning of eyes-closed reward. writing bad. [2:00 to 4:00] full +++ - ease in early recall again - entries are such as things held in webbing (resolved, hair is shroud), scar tissue (unresolved, v.veins?), skirt-like double loops of cloth (resolved valance at Spruce St). T. Mathiasen mustache, mother interaction) Pfaff (positive, basement) Heimisson (negative, hardwood blocks) - KTAB radio panel, brief state of visionless, soundless ecstasy (prenatal?) - Overall impressive authentic recalled state of 0-2 years of age. at [4:00] - walk around - still ~+++ [5:15] distinctly dropping [6:40] eat - very hungry. AP ~++ - rich, full experience - no fear - at peace [with] tremor - powerful drug for recall. I will repeat. +++ 16mg 9/13/80 (AP) 6:30PM=[0:00] night experiment. [0:40] alert [1:00-2:00] develop smoothly, steadily, quietly to +++. [2:00-3:20] intense fantasy, truly "psychedelic" association with personal "God" and intensely instructive "near out of body". AP's white light upwards vs my brown ooze. AP's Jesus at bottom of ladder vs my funny gargoyles on picnic bunting. Blessings. Erotic almost too intense. [3:20] to kitchen 1st time. Sense of immense distance covered in just > 1 hr. to [4:20] - rich fantasy, easy, not directable but compelling. KFAX korean-radio hilarity. first urination, attempt prep pea soup. [6:00] some eating, perhaps microscopic drop from max intensity. [9:00] Into sleep, having dropped somewhat. in AM - little if any residue. Intense experiment - profound - appreciative of the potential dangers of psychological travels if allowed without self-control. As thorough and compelling a material as can be. No age regression this time. Seemed not to be needed. +++ in every sense. pushing ++++ in overall aspects. MDMA at [19:00] not inhibited no lasting tolerance (cross tol.). ~++ 18mg 6/30/82 (AP) 4:07PM [:45] aware develop to 1 1/2+(ATS), >2+ (AP) by [2:00] [3] stuck [5:15] much dropped - ATS certainly compromised by DOI->LSD @ -[48] this chase [with] LSD; compromised again. Rest a while. +++ 20mg 12/27/82 (AP). Reconstruct [with] notes. 6:45PM=[0:00] alert at ~[:40], to + or more at [1:] - full +++ by [2:] - considerable fantasy, much enjoyment, to music - excellent erotic - again, angel-devil pairing (AP a +++ [with] prodofief piano concerto, and I simultaneously negative to crashes & mediocre performance. One checked the other. Some sleep at [11:] not too much deficits for AP next day. Excellent expt. No age regression. Certainly repeat.

LSD ++

f. page 269, to page 344

330

160g (80+80) 7/31/79. 9:50=0:00, AP. Use of new batch free base unassayed. [0:40] both aware - plateau at just under ++ at [1:30] question potency - this was 2 days post heavy MEM. Supplement 80g each at [2:55] - at ~[3:40] AP into clear light-intense +++ - any slight drop can be reversed by touch - me at or sl. over ++ - intense to ~[5:30] - some slow dropping [7:00] to Tusa's, then S.F. - AP still >+, I nearly out. Intense +++ AP. mine ++. 200g (100+100) (8/12/79; AP 100+100 NT, CT 10+50; all 24 hrs following mescaline) [2:00]=[0:00] NT at [0:30] start [with] eyes, CT, ATS slow st.@[0:40];AP at [0:50] at to ~+ or 1.5+ at [1:40] - all supplement. [2:00] coming to ++ or more - separate [2:30] all to +++ or more -, excellent - no corners. - TMI, both tape rec., responsibility of exposure to ASC. [3:30] pee break - NT. "Too late to take another 50?" Retreat [5:30] - NT st.down! Rest +++ or sl.less. [7:00] noodles, talk. CT, AP still ++2.5 ATS - ++ NT ~<++, [10:00] good sleep, unwound spring. AM rested, CT still ~ +. Extraordinary. 120g (8/19/79, 10:12PM=[0:00]; AP ) [0:30] start [1:00] >+, en. by [2:00+] to ++ or even 2.5+- [3:00] step outside - no fear [7:00] some sleep (dropping) [8:00] unable to drive -call- OK. at [10:00]. at +++. 60g (11/4/79; 11:20AM=[0:00]; 24hr. prophylaxis check on ++ 2-CB. [0:20] alert? ridiculous [0:30] something light - subtle and nice is starting, at the moment [0:40] to a quiet +. certainly no prophylaxis ex 2-CB - if anything, an acceleration (augmentation) of onset! [0:50] between + & ++. Distinctly more rapid onset than normally. [1:00] at ++ - very graceful. [1:20] honest ++ [2:00] intense ej, occasional darting - real ++ [4:00] dropping - as quietly down as was quiet up. [5:00] at or below +. good experience - completely clear at [7:00] - wine in evening without effect! 60g (11/12/79) 10:00=[0:00] 40 hr. prophylaxis check on 2-CB [0:20] alert in back of head- [0:25] start (early!) [0:30] to + already - delightful development [0:40] stuck at + - I am physically cold [1:00] to ++ some shakes, v.erotic, hard to write. [2:00] still ++, still v.erotic - transfer to intraception - chal. trust of BM - cannot believe - decide to drive to AP [4:00] off ++ [4:30] drop to ~+. shower, secure lab. Drive to Cron. Beach., Saucilito - completely out at [9:00].

+++

+++

++

++

++.5 125g (11/25/79) 4:15PM=[0:00] 21 hrs post 2-CB (NT 100, CT 80). rapid onset ATS ([0:30]-[0:50] to ++!). NT at ~[0:40] to CT ~[0:50] - [1:10] CT +15, ATS +10, NT +25. Excellent place- needed heat - intimate interaction [with] much visual movement (papaya seeds) - fairly good appetite @[6:00] (noticeable dropping at 5:00]. Good sleep, no AM deficits. Me ++.5, NT, CT ++.

331
f. p 290 to p 388

++(.5) 120+60mg (8/7/79; NT, CT , 4:30=[0:00]. Alert [:30]. by [1:00 NT +++, CT ~++, ATS ++ [1:25] 60mg supplement [2:30] - clear ++.5 [3:30] f. [with] trios [4:30] almost down - stay night - AM Bees - excellent.. + ++ 120mg (8/24/79; 11:51PM=[0:00], after the curse of SC.) [0:40] alert overall + (ex food, evening). 120mg (8/29/79), 7:00PM=[0:00]; ATS 120; GC 120; LC 100. [0:35] alert, GC quickly, ATS slowly; [0:45] GC full +++, others slowly [1:00] LC ++, GC +++, back to 3 martinis. [1:45] GC, ATS +60 supplement [2:00] LC + 40mg. [2:45] LC ~+++ [3:10] GC, ATS st.drop. LC not yet. excellent close expt. ++. 120mg (9/9/79) 12:15=[0:00] at Grove AP 120, GC 120, LC 110 - normal chron. perfect day; evening, appetite but eating . 120mg (12/15/79) (AP, NT, CT, AG, TG, MP all ) ~11:00AM=[0:00] Berkeley U.Museum. AG, NT on rapidly & strongly - rest normal. ~[1:35] + 40mg all. Prinz exhibit!! extraordinary pleasant & well received ++. 120mg 1/9/79. GC, LC 7:45=[0:00]. proper chron. +40mg@[1:50]. LC to +++, GC & ATS nearly ++. Crashing anorexia. Extremely relaxed & de-stressed. Excellent. 120mg 1/30/80 HT . 11:55=[0:00] Proper chron. HT extremely euphoric, and receives confirmation of his philosophical conclusions. Wed., on farm. excellent. Both [with] 40 mg suppl. at [1:40] [4:30] almost down. 150mg 2/23/80. (AP, AG ; NT, CT, MP, TG, AB 120). 2:30=[0:00] chron. OK.. all 150's [with] magnified intensities, consensus improvement. AB v.vocal, esp. [with] MP, AG. supple. 40 (all) ~[1:35] - never back to 150 state. Appetite restricted. ATS [with] some nystagmus. Exceptionally pleasant day - well received all around. 150mg 7/6/80 11:25AM=[0:00] (AP, AB, WC, NS all 120mg). Alerts between [0:25] and [0:35] on schedule. WC a small disquieting flurry quite deep [~0:50], then settle down excellently. NS in very good space. AP & ATS supplement 75mg at ~[2:00] - others decline. Slow drop-off [3-4] for them - they leave at [5] reasonably sober. AP & I still ++, but dropping. Assay A05 time pot at [5:45] q.v. oh my! ++.5 see p.336. 120mg 8/17/80 1:47=[0:00]; AP, NS onset ~25-30min. Complete at ~[55] sl. drop 1:30 all +40mg. NS [with] ecstatic experience - AP, ATS quite comfortable at this lower dose. Extremely real, honest, sharing, intimate talk. Clear (NS) [5:00]. Test LSD.

++ ++

++

++

++.5

++.5

~July, 1979 MDOH 100 mg Colin, Benita ++, ++

332

20 min. after intake first slight window 30 min. " " Plateau reached, lasting for 3 more hours, then slow decrease over ca 5 hours Full mental and emotional control at any time. Some dizziness in the beginning, higher pulse rate Colours, music, smell and taste intensified ( taste more in a Negative sense: too salty e.g.) Anesthesia, quite remarkable An "emotional window", "soul-window", "Anima", gently, warmly and widely displayed, full blossom, not merely a bud, blossom without the precognition of fading, absolute happiness, freedom, love, undirected and directed, but encompassing, complete fulfillment, without wishes, but the inherent freedom to act, no driving force though. A "contemplative window". A "transcendental window", slightly disturbed by the awareness of some body-tension.

Individual experience: the colours of the pharmacy, of all those packages of drugs constituted a beautiful mosaic. No "merchandise", but a real treasure to be applied with individual intention and care. The oil-crayon pictures were seen with new eyes, new meanings, faces, figures, the colours of the rainbow subconsciously very specifically applied. "Soul-scape". Experience of physical rebirth (Colin), very light birth process, wonderful to greet the light. An an embryo we hear the hear the motoric functions of the body of the mother, therefore motoric "drivenness" is a natural part of a human being.

The following day very exhausted, tired, back-pain.

EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA, AUGUST 19, 1979 Participants: Hudson and Keira Edson, Uma Frazier, Peggy, and Fred

333

Background: Keira and Hudson are very fold friends, dating back to the early days of Ampex where Hudson has been a mechanical engineer (now at Memorex). They were early supporter subjects in the Foundation work, and staunch supporters of the Foundation. In the past few years, Hudson has developed a number of physical ailments, stemming I believe from excessive tension. He is quite overweight and drinks more then he should, possibly to alleviate pain. He has suffered loss of muscle tone in his left leg and his legs pain him quite a bit. He also has what has been diagnosed as a hiatal hernia. They have had psychedelics only under authorized circumstances, and not for some years. I suggested this experiment in hopes it would be helpful. They were quite eager, and drove to Lone Pine for the weekend. Dosage: Keira and Hudson 100 m.g. The rest, 120 m.g. 9:22 A.M. Start, all on empty stomach. 9:47 Uma is hit hard, it having come on very suddenly. 9:52 Peggy beginning to feel strongly, and I feel it come on very strongly, quite suddenly. 10:00 Keira still not feeling it, but Hudson's face has become flushed with color. 10:05 Keira getting very high, feels is floating off the couch. 10:10 Hudson is beginning to feel. Uma looks idyllic, Peggy face becomes soft and glowing. I feel glorious and enraptured by the beautiful clouds over the mountains. We are blessed with a nice cool day, as there is cloud cover, and we need sweaters inside. 10:20 The sun begins to filter through, and we move out on the deck. Outside is glorious. We drink in the fresh air, feel the energy, and drink in the beauty around us. Keira is extremely relaxed, as is Peggy. We enjoy the close feeling. Keira and Hudson are great subjects to be with. 10:52 All but Hudson take 40 m.g. supplement, Hudson is feeling nauseousness, and is satisfied to continue as he is. Keira reports feeling trembly. She senses an energy flow in her neck, relieving her arthritis. Also, poison oak that she had gotten on her arm did not bother her. 11:10 It is getting warm on the deck, so we move down under the cottonwood trees. Hudson is beginning to feel better. Everyone finds light and color enhanced. We enjoy the trees and scenery, and free communication and good feeling. Keira is very, very relaxed. We stay under the trees for about an hour, until it starts to sprinkle. We move back to the living room, and enjoy music. Everyone is very relaxed, very mellow, very insightful. We have a most enjoyable afternoon. We have a light meal around 5 p.m. I am much hungrier than usual with this substance, possibly because of no breakfast. Everyone notices taste enhancement, especially on the marvelous melon the Edson's brought. Everyone is very grateful for the experience. Keira and Hudson are very glad to have the opportunity, and recognize the need to reconnect to the roots.

(various) Pot +++

334

8/26/79 - 2x2 brownies ([with] hash, unknown strength) 9:45-10:00PM=[0:00] AP [with] more wine at Sokolova's. [1:00] sl.drunk AP sleep. [1:45] phone ring - AP +++ - some time distortion, ATS > ++. [3:40] time check - time ~4x AP 2x ATS [4:00] 5 minute check #1 - pulse 44-88? [4:30] #2 coffee [5:00] #3 [5:30] eat - piano (this #4) [5:45] sleep (1st risk - breathing shallow) [9:00] off O.K. driving. Max ~ #1-#2 (~4:00). 4x error subj. elapsed time. Ind.R.T. - +++.

335
2-CI from page 179.

+ ++ ++

0.5 1.0 2.0 5.3 6.5 8mg 10mg

p.179 (1976)

active level, "10mg" - in mescaline paper, S.Psych. Drugs. active level in hoffmeister text . (30 x mes). 2CB

12mg 9/19/79 2:147 large batch IR original 9:45AM=[0:00] ATS. [0:35] alert quiet buildup [1:00] between + & ++, undefined stoned - explore - throat dry, light-sensitive but little mydriasis [1:15] to a ++; illusion of standing a couple of feet off the ground [1:30] good ej. some eye games, some teeth clatter, no clench, no window [2:00] ++ or more, not too rewarding state except to erotic some visual movements, some "silk" images. [3:00] still at or >++ erotic easy [4:15] dropping [7:00] completely out. Overall, favorable, no intellectual, but physically 2-CB. 15mg 10/31/79, 147 batch again. ATS. 3:30PM=[0:00] [0:40] aware [0:50] to +; [1:00] over +, easy arousal, v.quiet. [1:25] to ++, easy eroticism [2:00] full ++ - stoned but no window, intense og. ej. - no gaiety of LSD, no visual of 2CB - intense urge to work, to clean everything, shower, dishes, teeth ect. [3:00] down a bit? no! still ++ not good, not bad, simply stoned. [3:30] getting lots done, slight drop. [4:00] abruptly down to + or less. eat [with] appetite, but lightly. [8:00] call to BM re arrival. overall ++.

++

+++ 20mg 3/22/80 147!? batch. ATS, AP 9:00PM=[0:00] [0:30] fleeting awareness [1:00] to +; very quiet [1:10] still more - to ++. overall body reflex sensitivity [1:40] to +++ - extremely erotic - much fantasy to Ketch. music [3:00] still +++ - improvise on piano well; deep open conversation - extremely benign, friendly, outgoing and peaceful +++ - not too much visual - some persistent physical awareness. [5:00] some decline - attempt sleep - one or two darts. Sleep OK - awake in A.M. (~[12:00]) with no residue. Exceptionally fine xpt. full +++. ++ 25mg 6/6/82 new 6/6/82 batch, IR147; AP; 5:12PM=[0:00] AP aware :15, developing @[:25] ATS aware [:30] develop to ~[1:30], AP >++, ATS ~++. Not the richness, color, visual, abandoned erotic of 2C-B - somehow a depth of "psychedelic" immersion was lacking. Good talk, good erotic, but not much locking to music, little inside fantasy or visual. By [7:] AP down to 1 1/2, ATS to +. Rather good appetite, so-so sleep. AM - no compensatory price to pay. Overall enjoyable, little (ATS) some (AP) body load 1st hour, nothing too rewarding, no great urge to repeat immediately. Harmless.

primer studies ++1/2

(from p 317) (to 376)

336

(9/2/79) MDPR->LSD. (8:35AM), ATS, NT, CT, AP, AG, TG, MP all 160mg MDPR. [10:45]=[0:00] all 100g LSD save TG [with] 80. Some [with] v.rapid onset - AG, CT. rather extreme discomfort- all - almost too intoxicated the 160+60 better regimen. 3PM [4:30] Gray's call to quartette - adequate emergence for 2 hrs - evening - light eating. overall ++ to full +++ - not terribly satisfactory experiment. No one completely at peace. (9/21/79) R-DOB->LSD [1:35PM]=[0:00] 18 hrs post R-DOB. 80g [0:40] start [1:00] to between + & ++; never full ++, some block by DOB. [5:00] nearly down, AP still ~++, at max, nearly +++. (11/17/79) Meth->LSD [11:15]=[0:00] Meth at [-:25] AG 30+100g, TG 20+60g NT 25+100g CT 25+80g, MP 25+100g, ATS 30+100g, AP 30+100mg - some alerting at [:30] - at [1:00] AP. to >++, AG, ATS ~+, others between + & ++. Supplement [1:15] 25, 20 later, 20, 10 later, 25, 25, 0. AG, ATS still barely ++, 2nd supplement [2:25] AG, AP, ATS, MP 25. All now to 2.5-3 @[3]. Surprisingly inwards, all but NT (his birthday). CT deep [4:45-5:15]; dropping, into excellent afterglow by [7:00] - eat lightly, well, at [9:00]. largely out [11:00]. me to ++.5, and total (150g) would suggest some refrac. f. 2-CB at [-16] except I was locked in responses to AG (clean). Very well accepted xpt.

++

++.5

+++(+). (7/6/80). time pot, following MDMA. (earlier extreme time slowing was following MDOH, MDA). 5:10PM ([5:45] after MDMA start, see p. 331) =[0:00] [0:00-0:05] - consume joint f. TG - little effect. [0:25-0:30] 1st 1/2 of AOS time pot - notes here are fuzzy - motor problems - AOS finished between [0:30-0:40?] at [0:44] there is an acute awareness in the occiput that that things have started. An example Call ex KI of just how the is phone call notes looked, and Alan's mother the quality of re their the penmanship > arrival at ~[1:00] post start, extreme slowing of time (1:4), drop in voice, pitch on radio a bit, but elapsed time most distorted. The two different interlocked scales again. [2:20] A->Z 1.5 to 4. sec on clock. this is Kit #1 2:05 to bed. [2:30] Kit #2 [3:00] AP org!!! [3:30] Kit #3, repair. [4:00] piano, OK, [4:30] bed. sleep OK. AM OK +++(+)

337
"R"-DOB from page 171

++

0.1mg 0.2mg 0.5mg

from p.171 1974-1977

+++ 1.0mg 9/21/79 ~7:00PM=[0:00] AP [0:45] aware [2:30] above ++ [4:40] to kitchen for food - eating so-so. Not quite the introspection or intensity of 2.0mg racemic, but clearly +++; very rewarding state [13:00] to between + & ++ - fitfull sleep [with] bizarre dreams [18:00] at or below +. Challenge refract. [with] LSD q.v. a good +++. +++ 1.5mg 8/6/82 6:22PM=[0:00] ATS, AP. [1:00] vaguely aware. hot day. ~100 in day, now 85 [1:20] smooth, quiet, to + or ++ [2:00] >++, still v.warm [3:00] change light bulb - [4:00] quite +++ - vaguely irrational - from [3-4] heavy body - I would not wish any higher dosage. [4-9] - much erotic, good music, no sleep possible. Cat nap at ~[12] - still >+ - even noticeable at [18] - very good experience - honest +++ for both. Compare, someday, [with] 3mg dl. +++.

338
aleph-7 f. p233

++.5 7mg. 10/12/79 3:42PM=[0:00] AP. [1:00] slow start, quiet. [1:10] to +, AP >1 [2:00] to ++ - strange walking feeling [3:20] to ++ or more - impending feeling without concrete handle to place intoxication [4:30] transition to more familiar ASC - quite pleasant - the previous hr not unpleasant, just altered, but without definition [9:00] some decrease - sleep v.fitful - some darting [16:00] still + - clear by [20-24]. Not too rewarding.

339
Ganesa (from p183)

++

0.1mg 0.25mg 0.5mg 0.7mg 1.0mg 1.2mg 1.6mg 2.0mg 2.9mg 4mg 5mg 6.5mg 8mg 14mg

1976-1977 ATS p.183

20mg 8:25AM=[0:00] 10/17/79 ATS. [0:55] something? [1:00] more believable [2:00] imp ej [2:15] at a nice, extremely quiet +. [3:00] up almost to ++, very pleasant, not too well defined [4:20] back from CHP, AAA, bank, P.O. still ~++ of the most beautiful, benign, tranquil P.O.T. State conceivable completely at peace - continuous afterglow. Driving marred only by the intellectual awareness that not every one else is this much at peace, could be aggressive or irrational. [5:00] still ~++ (and arousable!) [6:00] back to a very relaxed +. [8:00] almost out - at most. Completely clear at [12:00] relaxed eve. Castro's, Tamzin's meeting - modest wine -> no intoxication exacerbation. Overall the experience was one of "afterglow" tranquilization no color, edge effects, little if any teeth clench, no fantasy, simply peace in being unrushed and relaxed. Extraordinary chemical. Must explore others at 20mg. ++.

++.5 24mg (newly purified 2:170A) 11/21/79. 8:50AM=[0:00] ATS. [0:30] aware? [1:00] at probable +, slow, nice development [1:15] >+, not ++ [1:30] almost ++, smooth development, semi noisy. [2:00] back [with] mail, easy arousal, at ++ [2:30] losing executability at ++, TG call handled OK, as if I had had my P.O.T. truly. [3:00] at full ++, perhaps ++.5 - still erotically inclined, but to even sober, [4:00] to lab [4:40] good ej [5:00] still ++.5 [6:00] receding, back to + to ++, [7:00] to - 1st wine [9:00] residual excellent afterglow. Eat well. Wine neutral. Overall ++.5 ++ 24mg 2/17/80 AP . 6:08=[0:00] [0:30] alert and start [1:20] quietly to +, AP [with] eye defocusing, no tremor. By [2:30] to ++ at most. [5:30] back to kitchen - never over ++ - not as intense as last experiment. AP sound sleep, ATS unable until ~2 hrs following [10:00] - tired next day, but simply sleep loss. overall ++

REPORT OF EXPERIENCE WITH MDMA Date: October 10, 1979 Participants: Peggy, Fred Place: Our home in Lone Pine

340

Dosage: 120 m.g.; 40 m.g. supplement for Peggy, 60 for Fred 10:00 A.M. Start with 120 m.g. each. We go down and sit under the cottonwood trees 10:20. We are beginning to feel a little. I read a passage from Gibran's Meditations. We both notice how very mellow and sonorous my voice is. The act of reading produces a very nice detached feeling of being with it, unconscious of symptoms. 10;40. Peggy reports first alert. She goes to the bathroom. I am feeling it stronger. On her return, she feels that she has taken 3 Martinis on an empty stomach. She feels that not having anything to eat has brought it on faster. I had a light breakfast shortly after 7:00 A.M. 10:50. Peggy is totally intoxicated. She feels that her empty stomach got her into it quicker and deeper. I am feeling more, but with a sense of dragging. So far each experience has been more intoxicating for me than the last, but this time I am not in as deep. But Peggy is really flying. Neither of us have any squeamishness. 11:20. Peggy is still dizzy and light-headed. She notices a slight coming down and wonders if it is supplement time. I feel a very slight coming down, and a slight jaw clenching. 11:27. We take supplement. Peggy takes the usual 40 m.g.; since I have not been in it as deeply, I decide to try 60 m.g. I soon feel everything turning on more, even though I realize there has not been time for the capsule to melt. 11:50. I find the supplement feels great, smoother than before. Peggy reports some eye darting. 11:53. I feel some jaw clenching, a little heavier than earlier. A few minutes later, Peggy reports some jaw clenching. The rest of the afternoon was extremely relaxed, and a marvelous experience for both of us. Peggy is very intoxicated, and we are content to sit quietly enjoying the experience. I find the extra supplement to be marvelous, with no increased toxic effects that I might have expected. In fact, although there was some slight jaw clenching, it was rare and not as intense as on previous occasions. I saw no evidence at all of overdose. After a couple of hours, we walk around the property, chatting easily on many subjects. 3:35. We go back to the house and feed the dogs, and take some soup. I am hungry, and it tastes very good. Peggy eats very little. I feel more energetic than usual at the end of an MDMA experience, but Peggy feels quite languid. We spend the rest of the day relaxing and being close.

341
Beatrice (from page 164)

+ +

0.1 0.2 0.4 0.7 1.1 1.6 2.2 3.0 3.0 4.0 5.5 6.5

mg mg mg mg mg mg mg mg mg mg mg mg

Rabbit Hyperthermia: ex. GA III with STP = 100, Beatrice = 4 25x less active 1972 - 1976 p. 164 prediction; 75 mg for ++

8mg 10/26/79 10:55AM=[0:00] at [1:00] little if anything - aware of threshold over next hr. or two. Certainly clear by mid-afternoon. Lab day [with] Alan. 14mg 12/12/79 11:00AM=[0:00] ATS [0:40] alert? [1:10] virtually nothing maybe . [1:50] to a + - real, undefinable, friendly. [2:15 - 3:30] extremely arousable - hypersensitive genitally. [2:30] Maybe dropping off? [3:30] off of +. slight body tremor. Out [with] Tusa's for dinner. Good appetite. [7:00] out for sure. overall + or a bit more. 20mg 12/22/79 6:10PM=[0:00] AP . alerts [:40] [:45] resp. [1:00] to a slow, gentle [2:00] between + & ++ - to [3:20] extremely open, erotic, responsive - [3:20] to kit to locate, no anorexia, some tremor, verbally open [4:00] to ++ (AP >++, responsiveness drops - shift to stimulant action [5:00] still ++ [6:20] dropping to + (AP still ++) AP sleep OK, closed dream cycles, ATS - no sleep to [9:00] - fragment dreams. AM [15:00] AP repaired, ATS hyperactive, stim, restless to even [24]. See LSD followup. 30mg 1/5/80 3:37PM=[0:00] AP . [0:40] slight aware [1:15] to +. nibble [2:00] pushing ++, both [4:00] steady at ++, maybe slightly over [5] clearly, there is a physical ++ or more (both [with] diarrhea) but mental maybe + only. Induced mental? Restless. [8] back from milkshake - physically quite aware [9] down to to +. [10]-[13] open talk, little ero. sleep OK. [16] still aware [24] out. Urine collected. In general, the physical disruption > mental reward. Dreams OK, not rich.

++

++

342
2-CB

++ 20mg 11/10/79 6:50PM=[0:00] NT 18, CT 16 - mid-photosession weekend. (2 glasses red wine) alerts ~[:30] to ~++ [1:15] - considerable visual motion - some darts & body temp. uncertainty. Close talk, relaxation, some physical. [4:00] dropping - relish baked potatoe. excellent sleep - AM abs. free of residue, deft. all to ++. ++ 20mg 11/16/79 7:00PM=[0:00], GC 16mg. [0:30] alert -[0:40] start -[1:25] to ++ both - visual (ATS some, GC much) - music provokes movement in field - v.close. [4:00] dropping fast [5:00] eat potatoe & chicken gustily -[6:00] out. Well received. ++ 24mg 11/24/79 6:40PM=[0:00] GC 18, LC 14mg. alerts ATS GC [0:30] LC ~[0:45]. GC [with] recognition, rather rapid denial., extremely quiet for LC - suppl. (wasted?) at [1:30] 2mg GC, LC- D. Melo, heat transfer, much visual, excellent - dropping [4:00] good appetite - v.well received. LC to ++-+++, GC, ATS ++. ++ 20mg 12/1/79 12noon=[0:00]; BT, CB, CF all 20. RCA Beach. (BT 16+4@1hr). ~40min alert - to just under ++ at [1:30] - v.cold. quite a bit of visual, some introspection. dropping by [4:00] - out at [6:00]; peacefully received. Chall. [with] LSD. ++ 25mg 1/26/80 (new syn) 9:25PM=[0:00] AP . [1:00] AP >++ [with] visuals, ATS just over + and slow. Much talk, little exploration. normal chron. ++ 30mg 2/10/80 (Sun. evening, AP ). Both [with] proper chron. no notes. no residue. ++? ++ 24mg 3/4/80 6:40PM=[0:00] LC 18mg; GC 20mg. alerts [0:25-0:30] development [with] normal chronology. LC initially quite cold, then discovers internal source of heat. Very open, close talk. DM records exceptional. Distinct drop by [4:00], quite pleasant. No negative sequelae. Exceptionally passive (LC) and euphoric. v.good experience. ++ 25mg 4/13/80 evening AP. no notes. easy sleep. ++ 25mg 6/21/80 outside, farm, group meeting (NT 21; CT 20; TG 18; AG 25; AB 16; AP, ATS 25). 11:00AM=[0:00] - warm afternoon - dosages well chosen - AB quite light (disappointed) but by choice, as committed evening [with] Dylan Wall, and wanted to be on the safe side. Reasonable chronology. PM indeed to DW good shape. Pleasant, uneventful but enjoyable day. ++

on to 461

343
5-SCH3 DMT.

15mg 11/23/79 ATS. on tansy. (1/2 40mg joint) [2:00]=0:00 Consumed over 75 seconds. 90 sec. notice [0:02] to over + one. Light, 5-OCH3 [0:03] between + & ++, no visual, rather pointless stoned. [0:05] start to clear [0:10] largely repaired. Prob. +.

++ 20mg 11/23/79 - from above 2:40=[0:00]. consumed 0-120 sec. Noted at [0:01], [0:02] coming on - some what more intense this time. [0:05] near, but not at ++; [0:08] dropping rapidly, [0:20] almost baseline [0:25] clear. Call it a light ++. I suspect 30mg would be effective.

LSD++(.5)

f. page 330, to page 508

344

12/1/79 10.5hrs post 20mg 2-CB 10:20PM=[0:00] 125g (AP ). Overall chronology quite proper, but rapid onset. More imagery then usual. Close the time gap, but restrict the amount. Between ++ & +++. AP +++ 12/23/79 24hrs. post Beatrice 4:40PM=[0:00]; 125g (AP). alerts [0:20] start [0:40]; [1:00] AP. >++, nearly +++, ATS barely ++ [2:00-4:00] paint, ATS ++ max AP. nearly +++ [4:20] bed - potent, dropping [6:00] ATS <+, AP + still. good sleep. ATS residual restless stim. From Beatrice seemed to have attenuated response. AP, no residue, more effected. 12/31/79 4:55PM =[0:00] ATS 125, AP, NT, 100, CT 80. [0:30] NT start quickly . [1:00] AP, NT to +++; ATS, CT quite slowly. [1:30] ATS +25, CT +10. [2-4] CT somewhat over ++, neck stiff - separate 2+2. ATS barely >++. [6:00] NT dropping rapidly -rest slowly. N.Years champagne, NT feels quickly - others little if any. ATS ++ NT extremely +++, AP +++, CT ++.

++

++

++(or more) 1/6/80 ~11:30=[0:00] 125g (NT, 90, CT 80). extremely rapid onset. [0:15] aware, [0:25-0:45] to ++ or more. friendly. no neck pains (CT). full +++ or so [1:30]-[3:00] [4:00] drop. [6] out. close discussion. Wine neutral in PM. Overall, very positive. intimate. No N.Y. trauma. ++. ++ 2/24/80 6:42PM=[0:00] 125g ATS, AP; 24 hrs post 150 MDMA. [1:00] started, to ~+, AP >+. develop at [2:00-3:00] to ++, AP >++, much visual but ATS [with] some compromise f. MDMA - emotional talk - open re future. Sleep at ~[7:00] - some residue AP next day, ATS none. 7/11/80 Report of promoted LSD, + MDMA follow up, AB others, in separate entry ++.5 12/31/80 5:10PM=[0:00] 125g (AP ; NT 100, CT 80) NT alert [0:15] others ~[:25] quite well up ~[1:00] - no augmentations. [1:00] or so ->[4:00] separate. ATS much music visualization (Mozart v.concerto #3, Mutter!!) much erotic - NT irritated by music - CT some scottish selfimages - out from doily with lace. [4:00-8:00] slow drop, silly eating. [9:00] sleep - CT, ATS some trouble - otherwise OK. AM- rested - no residue - overall 2.5 or more. 4/25/81 8:12PM=[0:00] 120g [:15] alert [:24] slowly underway [:50] physical tremors, to ++, still going up. [2:10] end music (little visualization), to KL. [4:00] end Greenwich Village - effective erotic [4:30] light food - dropping slowly AP ~++ still ATS <++ - mild darting [with] good sleep. [12:] ATS clear, AP slight+

++(.3!)

345
4-thiomescaline. f. page 239.

+++

40mg 12/8/79 5:38=[0:00] AP. 7 days clear. alert[:22] - developing [:30] quite a bit of physical concern - I - malaise, not nausea, AP heavy tremor. Well developed at [1:30] to [2:00]. Complete thought mid-directions - some eroticism, but preference to talk, thought mbius reality changing. Shakes of DOB. [3:00] clock stare - [6:00] still +++ - scant urine search for fluids [7:00-9:00] AP some sleep, ATS little if any. [9:30] still +, wine to sleep. overall +++, with much convoluted thought process. Next day, somewhat depleted, selfish mood. Not a drug for fun, but intensely powerful. Not for group. Must be one on one - too much chance for psychological abreaction. Use care. 30mg 2/1/80 (AG, MP ). Onset of alert, more at [:30 to 1:00] - very quiet build up to peak at [2:00 or 2:30]. Eyes closed fantasy involving body viewing, mobile structures rather than scenes. AG drops quickly, then recognizes differences in effects from expected. TG at [4:00] - sees cognition sobriety, but recognizes easy in talk (AG vs MP). Fantasy skill slipping at [6:00] - below + by [8:00]. Extremely chilled (internally) despite 72 house. Repeat in hot weather, at 30 or 40. This ++ at most. 25-40mg-active range for thiomescaline paper

++

++(.5) 25mg 11/22/80 ATS, AP; NT, CT. 20mg 11:25AM=[0:00] - Alerts all [0:35 5] quiet buildup to [1:15-1:30] - clearly ++ or above - max [2:00-~4:00] quiet decline to [8:00-10:00] ATS - somewhat >++ - hodgepogy fantasy - some interesting - some ugly - disjointed thought processes - good, long sleep no AM residue. NT accepted excellently - no concern - felt to be good experiment - some fantasy. CT [with] extreme tremors, at ~[1:00-1:30] and again ~[4:00] - floating feeling on walking. limber - good sleep. AP still ++ at [7:00] - very tired - good sleep. NT trouble sleeping. AM - all rested, no depletion. most ~+++ me, >++. All [with] profound anesthesia perhaps light anorexia.

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH 2-CB Date: December 2, 1979 Participants: Clare and Neil, Tina and Aaron, Mel Parmeter, Peggy and Fred Dosage: 16 m.g. for Tina; 20 m.g. for all else Start: 11:00 A.M.

346

I noticed the first alert in about 15 minutes when I went outside to let the dogs out of the car for awhile. It came on in levels: I would notice some effects, and they would level out, then a higher level would come on and level out, and so on. In 30 to 40 minutes the effect was quite intense. Then I would be surprised to find it mounting to still another level. After an hour or so, I began to wonder just how high it would go. The effects in general were quite euphoric, bringing enhancement in light, energy, and aliveness. However, for the first hour I suffered from an underlying tendency toward nausea. It never became pronounced, but lie in the background. I also felt some other rumblings which kept the experience from being as purely euphoric as had been the MDOH experiments. However, there were many wonderful aspects to the experience. Walking in the back yard around noon was delightful. The warm, supportive feelings from the other members of the group were marvelous. Colors were beautifully enhanced. Clare looked marvelous, and the color of her clothes and styling seemed perfectly chosen for the occasion. Everyone looked bright and alive and euphoric. The feeling going inside was most pleasant. This would have been nice to explore, but I preferred to stay in touch with the others. We had many wonderful discussions, full of humor and insight. Many times I experienced that marvelous place when minds are working creatively together, uncovering new insights and understandings, which is the most enjoyable and rewarding part of good communication. At 1:30, no one could believe such a short time had expired, as we seemed to have been together and experienced many, many hours. The experience kept growing in intensity for me until about 2:00 p.m. Up till this time, there were some underlying unpleasant feelings. These began to wear off. leaving the purely peaceful feeling of contentment going with good friends. Neil talked about being hungry between 2 and 3 p.m., but I had absolutely no interest in food. Neil was extremely alive and outgoing, and I couldn't help but appreciate the progress he has made since we first met him. Later in the afternoon we took a long walk through Tilden Park. It was just delightful. Everything was beautiful; we were blessed with a nice warm afternoon, although foggy. We all had a marvelous time walking and visiting and enjoying nature. We came back to marvelous meal which we all enjoyed very much. Everything tasted exquisite. We spent a leisurely evening, reluctant to break the circle. We finally left around 9 p.m. I drove us back to Atherton, with no strain or tension, must less tired than after the MDOH experiment at the Tusa's. The after-affect was marvelous - a general feeling of aliveness, peace and contentment, and a feeling of refreshment instead of the tiredness I felt for several days after the OH. Driving back to Lone Pine one week later, we still very much felt the effect of the experiment, and our journey was very enjoyable and enhanced in many ways.

347
DOPR

- .25mg - .45mg - .70mg + 1.05mg + 1.2mg

pages 115, 124, 132

Robert 0.5 0.8 peak 8-12hrs 1.3 +

1.5 mg 10:40AM=[0:00] 12/26/79 [1:25] slight light head [2:40] at most [3:00] certainly not + [4:30] working effectively, accurately. no dilation. [7:00] good appetite - maybe still ? Evening [with] wine. + 2.0 mg 1:30PM=[0:00] 10/4/82 - new solution, 13.5mg/13.5ml H2o. [:30] sl.drying of mouth, nose. [1:00] nothing [1:30] aware [2:00] eat a large lunch, maybe [3:00] still , almost +? [3:30] lets call it + [4:] OK, a + one. weird smell of a mental , smell of physical , + -> +. [5:30] still + [6] - 1st wine carefully [6:45] 2 glasses by now, and up to ++! Some of the tomso effect [9] <++, even [with] more wine. But careful. To bed - and bizarre sleep, no sleep. patterns. Quite spaced, Extraordinary blend of evens , , - gotten via, among other things, the full octaves (left hand) of Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody, that allowed easy recognition of the odds, when reentry we achieved from any of the several erotic codes. Clearly, not base line. AM, after ~6 hours of this sort of balance, to Santa Cruz to law problems, still off base line. [24 hrs] - all OK. up [with] curious caution. watch the EtOH.

Cocaine - Free base.

348

- 50mg 12/27/79 6:00PM - 60mg base alkaloid cocaine on ~200mg Tansy - melted [with] heat lamp, rolled, consumed 30mg (by smoking) at 2min, 45mg at 3, and 50mg by 4min. Some tongue numbing? no effects whatsoever. -

349
MDA-7 (EDA) Eric expects,~1/2 MDA ~160-200mg

- 3mg 1/15/80

9:35AM - n.e. add second xpt below.

10mg 1/15/80 12:50PM=[0:00][0:40] paraesthetic tingle, to [3:00] - then clear. 16mg 1/16/80 11:00AM=[0:00][1:00] n.e. or threshold? [2:00] still aware? best, 24+6mg 1/19/80 11:30AM=[0:00] slight alert? at [1:00] - supplement [1:30]. threshold at best. + 40+20mg 1/23/80 10AM=[0:00][0:30] alert? [1:20] still at best; +20mg [2:00] back from mail. sl.lt.head, at + or less. [4:00] at best , [6:00] certainly out. + 80+40mg 2/12/80 9:55Am=[0:00] 80mg [0:30] alert [0:40] to ~+. stuck [1:00] possibly dropping. [1:15] +40mg [2:15] no additional effects. A little jittery a little hyper- active - no mental. Challenge [with] MDA (40+40) - perhaps slightly attenuated. q.v. 130mg 7/25/80 11:48AM=[0:00][:24] aware - not much more than just aware for next 2-3 hrs. v.light if at all.

REPORT OF EXPERIENCE WITH MDMA Date: January 27, 1980 Place: Residence of Ivan Brandt, Los Angeles, CA. Participants: Vanessa and Ivan, Uma and Jacob, Peggy & Fred

350

Background: This same group had an experiment with MDMA on Christmas Day, 1978. it was the first experience for Vanessa, Ivan and Jacob have had no subsequent experiences. For several weeks, Vanessa has been asking about the possibility of having another experience. This was very heartening, in view that her first experience was not the most pleasant. She experienced a lot of resistance, which manifested as dizziness, feeling of faintness, and unpleasantness. We were able to arrange a get-together on this day, the day after Uma's birthday, and were very fortunate that Jacob got a holiday from medical school and could join us. Dosage: All started with 120 m.g. except Uma, who wished the same as before, 100 m.g. The experiment started at 1:28 p.m. While waiting for the effects to come on, we looked at stereo slides we had taken in Mexico, Ivan and I exchanged slides. For the first 1/2 hour, there were very little effects, but just a very smooth transition. We became aware that looking at the pictures was masking any developments. I found this quite agreeable for the first 1/2 hour, as it provided a very smooth transition into the experience. However, as the euphoria began to build up, I preferred to set aside the pictures and concentrate on the effects. Uma has the living room wall covered with collections of paintings and art pieces from their travels all over the world, and these became very alive and fascinating. I was particularly struck by a picture of an artist's square in Paris in the rain, and by a picture of Venice all in red. At 1/2 hour Ivan, began to light up and began talking to Jacob in a very meaningful way. He reviewed his attitudes and perceptions, and told Jacob how much he had learned to appreciate Jacob's qualities. This caused Jacob to light up, and soon we were all glowing and thoroughly impressed with each other's attributes, which we expressed. Our week of traveling together in Mexico no doubt helped. The intensity of feeling grew, with some plateaus, in typical psychedelic fashion, until by one hour, we all felt intoxicated and blissful. It was a remarkably smooth trip for all. Most noteworthy, Uma felt no ill effects but sailed pleasantly along with the rest of us. We felt and expressed great love for one another, admired the light, the youth, and the softness we saw in each other's faces. Each couple at one time or another withdrew separately to express their individual appreciation for each other. We all commented on how great an experience we were having and how much we appreciated this opportunity to get together in this way. At 2:58, all were eager to take the supplement, and we each had 40 m.g. I noticed a slight waning of the effects just before supplement time. However, with the supplement, we continued right on with the blissful experience. Unfortunately, it was a rainy day, so that it was cool outside and we could not enjoy the beautiful back yard. Ivan and I went out for a while, and it was delightful. The clouds were striking, the air fresh from the rain, the pool sparkling blue. We were missed and so returned.

-2There followed a very rewarding family discussion, in which Vanessa was particularly insightful and helped direct the discussion into fruitful areas. Through her questions, we examined our goals, and thought about our lives. She wished to know about life at Lone Pine and why I chose writing. She encouraged Ivan and I to discuss with each other our personal problems, and made some suggestions to Peggy for enjoying life more living with a Brandt. There was no defensiveness on anyone's part, and the discussions were not only insightful, but by airing areas on concern, we were all brought closer together. We concluded that we are a great family. There was some jaw clenching as the effects wore off, but did not stay long. No one was hungry until after 7 p.m., when a very nice vegetable-chicken soup well satisfied our appetites. We ended the evening looking at more of our slides of Mexico, and sleepily withdrew about 10 p.m., the end of a perfect day. For myself, I felt quite energetic at the end of the day, not experiencing the tiredness sometimes felt when MDMA wears off. The drive home to Uma's, about 40 minutes, was effortless and enjoyable. Everyone felt excellent the next day. Uma and Jacob felt it was a wonderful experience, and Jacob felt that it was his best so far of all his experiences, and dropped his concerns. I had been aware of many of the concerns that different individuals took into the experience, and was most impressed by the smoothness and euphoria all participants experienced. This certainly is a remarkable substance, and the evidence continues to pile up that it is the chemical of choice for beginning experiences, as well as being very handy at other times too.

February 1st, 1980 At 2:20 PM, I ingested 30 grams of TM. It had a mildly alkaloid taste. Since the afternoon was warm, around 60 degrees, I took a two mile walk with the dogs and with ATS and MP We talked without any difficulty even after the onset of the first signs of effect. The major emotional and physical effects came on very gradually and quite pleasantly as we sat in the patio. But soon, we all grew chilled, and put on more clothing. Nothing really helped the inward chill, and we were to discover that it stayed with us throughout the experience. At about 3:30PM, we went inside where the room temperature was set at 70 degrees. All three of us lay down and quickly launched into engrossing reveries. Mine were erotic in content but followed no linear progression. Ms. BM of whom we had talked as having had a similar chemical, entered clearly but chaotically into those reveries. They passed in about half an hour, and I sat up ready to talk. The ease of talking surprised me. Unlike other experiences, the content was cogent, easy, articulate. It dawned on me after about two hours had passed that the heights of the experience had already passed, without any real exhilaration on my part. I felt some disappointment. But ATS and MP thought it over and suggested that my expectations from the past were misleading me. As the time went on, it came to me that they were right. the clarity and the continued ability to talk, especially with MP on a personally difficult topic, were for me the particular genius of this material. when I went inward, which I could do without effort, the sensations were neutral in affect but restful in some way. But coming out was entirely lucid and pleasant, and I soon found that I preferred this. Tina came into our circle around 6PM. She and I talked for a while in a loving way. Then she took some MDMA and launched herself warmly and gently into the interactions. From about 8:30 PM, after a light supper, until about 10PM, MP and I discussed some interpersonal difficulties we were feeling with each other. He was unusually candid for him, and I tried to respect his feelings. It seems to me that I did so without feeling negative defensiveness. ATS and TG went into the living room during this time. Finally, MP and I were finished. My feelings remained very good about him and I believe his did about me. ATS left at around 10:30PM, and MP stayed and talked in very amiable fashion until around 1AM. I feel the level of the experience was around 2.75 Sleep did not come until 3AM, when TG and I took 10mg of Librium to quell the active mental processes. Next day we awoke around 8:30AM, feeling languid but cheerful. AG

351

352
2-TIM

10mg 3/17/80 9:10AM=[0:00] 5mg - no taste - at [1:00] + 5mg. n.e. Whatsoever. 40mg 3/20/80 9:20AM=[0:00] 20mg - sl.bitter taste - at [1:00] +20mg [1:30]? [2:00]? [3:00] certainly all clear completely. Possible awareness 50mg 3/27/80 11:00=[0:00] - 24 hrs post 4-TIM - n.e. 80mg 4/4/80 12:10=[0:00] - conceivable trace something [1-2]. probably nothing. 160mg 4/21/80 9:15AM=[0:00] - perhaps slight awareness at [1:00]-[2:00] - by [3:00] certainly clear. (-). Small amt of wine in P.M. v.intoxicating. Activity >160 mg

240mg 12/6/80 1:10PM=[0:00]

AP

n.e. (-).

353

+++

500 mg sulfate. 3/14/80 MP, AP ; AG 30 mg meth [-:30] 250 mg [0:00] +150 at [1:10]; TG 25 mg meth [-:30] 260 210 mg [0:00] +100 mg [2:05 -2:20] 11:50AM=[0:00]. Consumed over 1/2 hr. absolutely no nausea - develop from [1:00] to ~[2:30] to an exceptional +++. Most notable for extraordinary Mbius aspect of space around me. There are absolutely no edges that can be grasped to orient me into space. Complete inability to conceive of this as a drug effect - concept of "500 mg mescaline" meaningless. Not too much visual - some excellent churning of air-bubbles in candle - Madrigal music [with] eyes-closed gave clear vision of singers, and their location, often air - wind. AP out of body a couple of times MP ~2 hrs of excellent tremor [with] blanket on floor. Extraordinary responsiveness to single piano notes. AG inwards. Start repair ~[6:00] - evening [with] light appetite. AP and MP clash. The profound Mbius unprecedented for me. Full +++. 200 mg sulfate 2/21/83 ATS, AP; AB - to challenge the "200mg" level of any of the thio (poly) escalines as being, if or less, <1 M.U. 6:07PM=[0:00] AB sl. nausea from [:45] to about (1:30], then gone. ATS none. AP slight nausea, then "indolences" from [:45] to ~[2:00]. All at [1:00] - and acknowledge a certain (+) by [3:00] - into talking - on to [5:00] first AP, then ATS. Still + at [6:00] so chronology clearly evident, character a bit hazy, some wine, lotsa talk to [10:00] (4AM). No idea it was so late. Sleep OK - full tilt next AM. Honest +, all. 400 mg sulfate 4/3/83 ATS, AP . 3:20->3:50PM=[0:00] (over 1/2 hour, to deter nausea) [:10] aware (=:40) [:35] maybe passed the physical microscopic malaise was there- certainly no nausea. [1:35] full ++ - no more [3-4] Watched El Papa. Held sturdy ++ to [8] - Still, it took to [12] to sleep. Maybe the protracted administration softened? - maybe still basically cold. not much >++. A bit disappointed! Good erotic little visual or color. Wait for warm weather.

++

354
4-TIM

3mg

9:30AM=[0:00] 3/24/80 n.e. (depressed in afternoon).

10mg 8:40AM=[0:00] 3/26/80 5mg [0:00] [1:00] something? +5mg [1:40] something? [2:00] something ? [3:00] certainly clear. no depression in afternoon. 20mg 9:20AM=[0:00] 4/2/80 possible threshold [0:35] probably clear [2:] certainly clear [3:] 40mg 9:10AM=[0:00] 4/9/80 threshold or aware [0:20]? no more at [1:00] [3:00] feel very comfortable, warm, relaxed, ease with body. . 80mg 12:15=[0:00] 4/11/80. n.e. [1:00] - n.e. - no hunger change, no mood, no dilation. 160mg 10:30AM=[0:00] 4/26/80 - n.e. pulse <80 throughout- no eyes closed. normal appetite, normal response to wine. Completely inactive. > 160 mg

355
3 - TM (to 411)

10mg (5+5) 4/16/80 9:00AM=(O:00] 5 mg; @[1:00] + 5 mg - n.e. 40mg (20+20) 4/18/80 2:30pm=[0:00] 20mg; @[1:00] n.e. +20 mg - n.e. @[2:00] sl. sedation - rest in darkness - beginning visual fantasy - pre-darts. Perhaps a pro dromal hint of eyes-closed. evening, [with] wine quite an effect. (-). Some "vein-visualization" on flashing open each eye. Visual? Not previously visual. Proceed (with) caution. This perhaps should be . 60mg 5/7/80 8:00AM=[0:00] [0:40] alert [1:10] more than threshold [1:30] at + or above [1:45] clearly to ++ - entering SFGH - street-crossing complexity - need to review analytically all sources of hazard - general numbing finger- hand tingle. very little eyes-closed. Handwriting quite good. [2:45] sl. mydriasis-reflex proper. no auto-arousal. extensive numbing, no visual disturbance. A touch of the "unrealness" of not being able to know how to initiate a simple task. [3:00] consolidated at ++, papaverine discussion [with] Mel completely cogent - perhaps a slight drop? [3:30] to + or slightly above [4:00] eat - appetite normal. At or below +. Sorry to see it drop off so fast. Pleasant state - quite MDA-like - little if any visual. [5:30] substantially out - maybe . slight diarrhea. [7:00] clear. overall ++.

++

++.5 80mg 6/18/80 ATS - new batch IR old crop 1 - heavy hydrate. 11:20=[0:00] alert at [0:25] [0:45] to a + at Kiminsky's - drive home [:55] to ++. strange peaceful stoned, completely devoid of visuals - very much the window of MDMA or MDA. [1:45] stable at ++ [2:10] finished some erotic fantasy. v.erotic but marginally erectable - to garden for watering [3:00] steady at or above ++ say ++.5. [4:00] still as stoned as ever [4:30] noticeable drop [5:00] out! a rapid drop off! Overall, equate to = dose of MDA. For THIO mescaline paper - active ++ 80mg 12/1/80 AP, AB . 1:25PM=[0:00] [0:30] alerts range 60 - 80 mg all. ATS. central, AB some peripheral - gut uneasiness. All develop from [:30] to ~[1:30] - AP > ATS > AB - benign MDMA window, no heaviness for AP. [2:00] [with] music -> biphasic 2nd response. AP intense colors to music - promote to +++; AB eyes-closed imagery - no fantasy. ATS very light music effects. [3:00] to kitchen - some fluid, some [pie]. Here AP > AB > ATS [6:30] ATS dropping to +, AB probably also, AP still ++. To store - AB [with] voices & sparkle "wake up in the morning". [8:30] ATS out, AB also. AP not until later. MDMA-like, + eyes closed phase in 2nd half. Very friendly. 100 mg trial would be comfortable. ++.

356
3-TIM

40mg 4/23/80 80mg 6/5/80

8:30AM 10mg [0:00] n.e. at [1:00] + 30mg. absolutely nothing. 1:00PM=[0:00] n.e. whatsoever.

160mg 12/3/80 10:00AM=[0:00] [1:15] alert? [1:45] ? [2:00] [3:00] out, (if ever in!). 240mg 12/6/80 1:10PM=[0:00] ATS possible alert [1:30-3] probably not. (-). next AM- off and on through day- slight stomach upset. Correlated?

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT ON MAY 3, 1980 from F.B.

357
D.O.M.

At 11:30 AM, took 4 m.g. Took another 1 milligram at 1:10 p.m. Effects came on smoothly with enhanced perception - magnification of light, color, odors. Very pleasant and beautiful, except for some dragging negative feeling. All increased to high intensity - both the beauty, and at times the negativity The enhancement of beauty and heightened perception was the greatest I have ever experienced, with the one single exception of not feeling close to the celestial level. The negative feelings at times grew to considerable intensity. This seemed to be mostly repressed anger at Peggy At times the negativity disappeared completely, and I broke through to most enjoyable, even hilarious experiences. I alternated about 50 - 50 between joy and discomfort. As the evening drew on, I became withdrawn and pensive. It seemed clear that I had made all the wrong decisions -- choice of partner, place to live, isolation, no meaningful activity. The greatest shocker was that my practice of meditation, which is a central focus living in Lone Pine, and which I had felt brought me much peace and understanding, seemed to be a delusional solution to my unhappiness and isolation. I was aware that I had become quite withdrawn from life and people, and particularly Peggy. The experience continued unabated throughout the night, with much tension and discomfort. I was unable to get any sleep, although I finally began to get some rest after about 4 A.M., when I finally accepted what I had become in Lone Pine-a contemplative. Being willing to do this, and only this, without saving the world, saving mankind, or finding a meaningful occupation, brought some peace. I also began to feel closer to Peggy and was not willing to make the changes in lifestyle indicated by my previous perceptions. I hallucinated quite freely during the night, but could stop them at will. While I never felt threatened, I felt I knew what it was like to look across the brink to insanity. Unable to sleep or rest, I felt a strong urge to begin our drive home, relate to Peggy, and hopefully reach a place of rest. Upon checking that I was free of the disorganization and inability to concentrate experienced the evening before. I was able to mobilize my energy readily through my body and make preparations to leave. The drive home was very fulfilling. Peggy and I accomplished a great deal in establishing communication, much of my discord was resolved, and I reached a state of peace and unity. Driving was simple and enjoyable and rewarding. This experience was the most profound learning experience I have ever had. Here are some of the key things: 1. Dosage. This dosage was far beyond the appropriate level, which one might define as that level where one can comfortably process the data that is exposed. I have answered once and for all that there is nothing macho in taking more material, especially if you can't handle it. In fact, it was an act of irresponsibility. While I feel the final results were most salutary, It now seems clear that it should be possible to get as good results in a more pleasant manner by choosing levels that will reveal data in a manner in which they can be responsibly dealt with. This is certainly the approach I am going to take for a while. However, I am also filing in the back of my mind that a good jolt once in a while might be good for the soul, but I would like to see if the other route can first be established to end up at the same place. 2. Meditation. As stated above, I was shocked to see how I had used meditation to repress feelings and isolate myself. It seems clear that I used meditation as a way to brute force my way to where I wanted to go, building up fairly solid walls in the process. I see that real meditation has to be very light, and in

-2-

358

sensitive contact with reality. One can't push or shove, but must listen delicately. Also, it is very important to be very clear on what it is you are trying to learn, and to see it's relevance to what you are doing with your life. Right now I am not sure what I am going to do about this, but whatever I do, I must explore it delicately. 3. Self-interest. I am still totally wrapped up in myself, to the point where I hardly perceive what is going on in others. I thought I was getting more open by meditating, but I also see improper meditation can isolate one more. At any rate, this experience not only made me brutally aware of my self-focus, but I opened up a lot to others. I feel I brought back with me part of the beings of my companions, so that my views in many areas are enlarged. 4. Body awareness. I received a considerable heightened awareness, particularly the day after the experiment. I felt I could feel my body processing information and other activities. For example, after eating, I became aware of when the energy began to be available to assist me in driving. 5. Centeredness. It became quite clear how important it is to be clear on what one wants. Everything automatically follows, falling easily into place when the center directive is sound. 6. Communication. The importance of clear communication, clear cut statements and agreements, became obvious. I am often very sneaky about this, and this is part of the price I paid in my experience. 7. Potential. I am amazed at the remarkable potential when people can train their minds to use such materials. The importance of learning and scholarship are now more clear to me than ever. 8. Feelings. I had become very indulgent to my feelings. It is now clear that once one is clear about his objective, it may be important to override certain feelings to proceed. Giving in to my resistances has led to my world closing in. I must remain alert to keep the boundaries open and maintain interests, so as to keep the life juices running. Also, I tend to stew a lot over feelings, pondering their cause, when a more satisfying approach is to see what I really want and go ahead and do it.

D.O.M. With 3.5 ingested at 11:30 a.m. on Saturday, May 3rd, 1980 things started very slowly. The joyousness of being with the group was beginning early. It couldn't be the drug, could it? Feeling the warmth of the people around me was a great experience for me. I felt really good about myself as well. Things remained light all day. I didn't get introspective at all. I was aware that Fred was uncomfortable and negative but didn't let that keep me from enjoying my trip. Heightened sense of hearing, smell was prevalent throughout the day. Visual senses also heightened. Spring seemed to be busting out all over. Laughter almost uncontrollable, with a fabulous floor show going on most of the day. It didn't take much food to fill me up, but I kept on eating anyway. Everything tasted delicious. I noticed dryness in the mouth. But no jaw clenching. A little bit of neck tension at the end of the evening, and restlessness at bedtime, with not much sleep. Fred and I had a meaningful talk. We awoke rather early, packed and drove off, after saying a quick goodbye to Tina and Aaron. Had a good breakfast and enjoyed the drive home immensely, discussing things along the way. It was good for us to have that day to ourselves, I feel. We returned to Lone Pine in remarkable condition, feeling energetic and marveling at the way things had grown while we were gone. It had rained two days while we were in the Bay Area, so the plants were exceptionally green. The whole desert is green right now. Called mother Monday morning, and she remarked that I sounded happier than ever. I felt very clear and communicated with her rather well, for a change. Since my return to Lone Pine I've been more sure of myself and positive. Things seem to be going very well around here. Love, Peggy from P.B.

359

REPORT OF EXPERIENCE OF MDMA Date: May 11, 1980 Participants: Peggy and Fred Dosage: 120 m.g. each

360

This experiment was undertaken to continue the development of the openness in communication commenced the week before, and also assess the results of a shorter time span between experiments. Start: 9:34 A.M., Peggy on empty stomach, Fred after an orange at 7:15 A.M. I first notice effects strongly when get 10:18 Peggy takes off. By 10:24, Fred in +3. Totally different than experiment of a significant factor in early takeoff. I listening to it. up to make some orange juice at 10:15 A.M. very happy high, elevated, approaching previous week. Feels great; not eating find my voice very sonorous, enjoy

10:45 Walk outside, sky, clouds, amazingly beautiful. Much light and life. However, it is cold outside, and come back to a fire in the living room. 10:58 Take supplement at Peggy's request, both 40 m.g. Experience continues most pleasantly, free exchange of ideas. Music is beautiful, as is landscape and clouds. Later we walk around enjoying the beauty of outdoors, spend time reflecting on mountains and the brilliance of spring and abundant flowers. 3:20 Peggy is still high. For me intoxicating effects have left, leaving me quite peaceful, open, and energetic, the last being a change for me with this substance. Peggy has no appetite, but I am hungry, We eat some delicious soup, and lie down for a nap. To my amazement, I fall sound asleep, and don't feel like getting up until 7:00 A.M. the next morning. We are both refreshed, feel quite renewed, and very close to each other. The ensuing day is delightful, full of peace and beauty, and with the enjoyment later of sharing with Peggy's mother and other good friends who joined us for dinner.

361
-Methyl MDA. MDP (for Phenteramine)

5+5+10mg 6/11/80 9:00=[0:00] 5mg n.e. at 9:40 [0:40] +5mg - to maybe at 10:20 [1:20] +10mg [1:40] at ~? [2:20] still ? [3:20] clearly out. 30+30mg 6/25/80 10:30AM=[0:00] 30mg - conceivably at [11:00] - 30mg. no effects at all. challenge [with] 60 MDA q.v. p319. 80mg 6/30/80 8:50AM=[0:00] [1:00] , quite believable [1:30] to a +, can't give character to it, but real. [2:00] light + [3:00] receding, but not out. [4:00] not quite yet; at most [6:00] out for sure.

+(.5) 120mg 7/15/80 (tare back on balance found to be 8mg off, so this might be 120 or 128. 11:00AM=[0:00] [0:40] alert in French conversation [1:20] to + or more. very MDA like - simple - no lines, no color, no motion. pleasant stone. no fantasy - probably more like MDMA [2:00] dropping? or getting very adapted to it. anorexia is real; impotency is real. [4:00] would assume down, except modest wine in evening [7-9 hrs] very intoxicating, slurred speech, amnesia. AM. clear, fresh, bright. Over + but probably not to a ++. 160mg should be excellent dose. Postmortem. Exposure of the activities of the previous evening! - anti-squash, torn bra., too (two) many fingers, almost hurt, hilarity, all lost. aggressive, trusting, forgotten. Not alcohol, but residual drug. AM those few shards assigned to dreams, not reality. Maybe ++? +(.5) 160mg 9/11/80 (AP) 6:10PM=[0:00] alerts AP[:40] [:45] ATS slightly aware. very quiet development [1:00] ATS +, AP 1.75+ [1:15] ATS 1.5+ AP ++ erectable. complete absence of body load. [2:00] ATS 1.5, AP = or > 2.0+ [3:00] initial dropping Both have the feeling that this would be an excellent promoter - no visual, just very quiet awareness [3:10] - both 3 glasses of wine to challenge last experiment. no effects. good sleep. refreshed & active (mellow) in A.M. ++ 200mg 10/5/80 (AP) 1:00PM=[0:00] inordinately foul taste. [0:40] both aware ATS sl. queasiness [1:00] to at or just under ++ ATS >++ AP. quite a bit of physical - eyes, teeth [1:30] a de-facilator? short day-dreams quickly forgotten. No values for the physical trouble. [2:30] box game, little if any ESP. Some sweating. [3:00] ATS dropping [4:30] out except trace residual both eyes & teeth. AP [with] 2 darts, sleep [4-5]. maybe at lower doses as LSD adjunct. Don't feel I should subject the group to this. Give level as ++ and 160-200 as active dose. Some residual teeth clench, trace eye mismanagement.

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA, JUNE 1, 1980 Participants: Vanessa and Ivan Brandt, Uma Frazier, Peggy and Fred Place: Vanessa and Ivan's home in Los Angeles

362

Background: This is the third get-together for this group, except that this time Jacob, Uma's husband, was missing. The experience was again requested by Vanessa. We were blessed with a nice, sunny day, as it had been cold and foggy previously (and again the next day), Uma a little concerned as she had menstrual cramps. 2:10 p.m. Vanessa takes 100 m.g., all others take 120 m.g. 2:20 Vanessa reports feeling something. She is hot and unusually alert. 2:23 Peggy reports first alert. Then Ivan feels a glow, a perpetual smile coming to his face. Peggy feels butterflies in stomach, is hit fast. 3:00 Peggy is very high. I am surprised how little I feel; a slight glow, but no intoxication. The feeling among the group is excellent, everyone feels good. We go outside to a beautiful back yard with pool, patio, trees, flowers, etc. We all enjoy immensely and admire how well we all look. We are in great form. I begin to be turned on by the beauty outside and the brilliant colors in the pool and living things. Vanessa in her insightful way focuses the discussion on things that are close to each of us personally. 3:20 We return inside as it is getting cool, but mostly because we are interested in our intimate relations with each other and the interesting discussions are we having. 3:42 All take 40 m.g. supplement except me. I take 60 m.g. as I felt so little effect from the initial amount, although I had reached a good intensity at supplement time. I also remembered that this had worked well once before. 4:00 Uma reports that her cramps have completely disappeared; she is feeling good. I feel some jaw clenching and other physiological signs that I took a bit too much supplement. These continues for a while, but I ignored them, after making none of them, and enjoyed the experience. The rest of the time was spent intimately in the living room, all of us immensely enjoying relating to each other. Peggy was heavily struck and extremely relaxed and had little to say. The rest of us kept up a lively conversation, covering many interesting aspects of our various family relationships. The conversation was usually insightful and free of defensiveness. We could hardly believe it when we sat it was 7 p.m. We had little appetite, and finally had a nice soup around 8:30 p.m. Ivan and Vanessa were still quite animated, and Uma rather languid, and I felt more energized and alert than after any experience with this substance. The drive home was easy and enjoyable. Peggy adds: It was so good cuddling up and sleeping with no problem at all. I slept like a baby. It felt very relaxed next day and the drive was simply wonderful.

363
Isomescaline.

- 100mg 6/24/80 9:00AM=[0:00] n.e. - 200mg 6/28/80 9:55AM=[0:00] n.e. - 300mg 7/13/80 1:17PM=[0:00] n.e. - 400mg 8/6/80 2:00PM=[0:00] [1:30] maybe sl. alert? maybe not. n.e. (-)

364
homopiperonylamine MDPEA Alles says - n.e. at 200mg (2 trials)

- 100mg 7/2/80

1:30PM=[0:00] n.e.

- 200mg 8/8/80 12:15PM=[0:00] n.e. - 300mg 8/30/80 1:00PM=[0:00] [1:20] probably nothing. Tinnitus gone - PM. modest amt. red wine -> very sleepy. (-).

Experiment: Escaline, 40 mg for TG and 60 mg for AG 7/4/80 Procedure: The materials were ingested at 12:30 PM two hours after a light breakfast. The temperature outdoors was about 75 degrees (Far.) and about the same indoors. First indications of change came about 40 minutes later. They built up slowly for the next 20 minutes and then more rapidly until the highest point at around 2:30 and remained at that level until around 8:30 when the level gradually descended for the next six hours. Results: This is a powerful and complex intoxicant. Throughout the six hours when the effects were at their peak, neither subject could have driven a car, nor coordinated many movements which required more than rudimentary abilities. For example, walking and tying show laces, both of which were tried were uncomfortably difficult to execute. Therefore, by the rough scale were accustomed to using, TG judged herself to be a 2 and AG judges himself to be a 3. The difference in dosage might account for this difference; TG felt she could have driven if necessary.

365

Rather unexpectedly, the affect of both subject was rather cool, unexhilarated, and quite cognitive in orientation. They found themselves discussing problems which might arise between them which were purely conjectural rather than factual. In fact, their relationship had been very warm, close and passionate, but it wouldn't have seemed so from the contents of their talk during the experiment. Since their sexual appetites for each other were unimpeded, they tried love making. But here, the analgesia and the incoordination which came with this substance rendered their efforts mostly in vain. There was also for both subjects a persistent and medium amount of queasiness which did not fade away until the experiment was near its close. Also, TG started a menstrual-like flow of light nature and AG experienced an unusual tightness of the gonads which withdrew into the abdominal cavity to a marked extent. Despite these negative factors, the quality of rational analysis and insight was really impressive. Many subtle factors in the lives of each subject was looked at with excellent insight and dissected with profit for both people. Neither one was defensive or even argumentative despite the nature of the discussion. Both however, felt the detachment of affect and the coldly impersonal inward tone that seemed to go with this substance. At about 10 PM, both subjects ate a light supper with good appetite, and went to bed at around 11. Sleep was restless and unsatisfactory until around 4AM, when both slept until 9AM. There was some fatigue the next day but it is hard to say whether that was from lack of sleep or from the psychoactive efforts that went with Escaline.

7/11/80 GL 100 LSD+50 mg. Methedrine AG 100 LSD GL ingested Meth at 10:31 AM and then both GL and AG took the LSD at 11AM. The onset of consciousness change was within 10 minutes for AG and perhaps 20 minutes for GL The altered state mounted steadily to about 2.5 for each of them. AG attended GL and suppressed his own experiences. They talked a good deal and took very little time for inward study. This was at GL's request. He didn't want go inside alone but said clearly he needed to talk to AG their discussion ranged around Sheila's misunderstanding about GL's relation with his daughter Sandra, about GL's declaration of paternity with with Lillian, and about GL's associations about Calvin Crespo and his (GL's) older brother Ethan. GL's secrecy came out as an undesirable trait and he saw the need to be open. At about 5 PM, TG came in, showered, and ingested 120 mg of MDMA. She seemed very tense and keyed up but relaxed with the chemical Her experience seemed light and about an hour later she took 40 mg more. The experience remained too light for her satisfaction and in another hour she took 30 mg more. Although she showed some satisfaction with this, on the whole, the experience still remained more limited than usual for her with this chemical. AG tried 100 mg of MDMA at 5:30PM to see how it worked with the descent from the LSD experience. His experience too seemed pleasant but light and floating compared with other MDMA experiences. At 8:30PM, Sheila L came in and GL and she ingested respectively 100 and 120 mg of MDMA. Her experience was good -- although she was weary but GL's, like TG and AG, appeared more shallow than usual. GL had the impression that the lucid clarity that usually goes with the latter part of an LSD experiment was aborted and replaced by the MDMA Sleep was difficult for TG and AG and both took 20 mg of Librium at 4AM to halt their physical restlessness. ML & SL reported sleeping well at about 11PM to 8AM.

366

[Editor's Note: Page 367 has been merged with this page]

8:26 FIRST TURN ON 8:40 FIRST BOOSTER FIRST HOUR AND QUARTER COLDNESS AND NAUSEA 6/26/80 2CB 25 MG 8:00 A.M. RC AND RD

368

FIRST HOUR AND HALF MUSIC IS HARSH MDA CLARITY TURNED ON NOW WANT TO TALK. VERY CLEAR. A GREAT TOOL. 9:30 TURNED ON FOR SURE 9:45 VERY TURNED ON 9:27 TIME DISTORTION FOR RC BOOSTER WAS GOOD DIDN'T TAKE BOOSTER AT ONE AND HALF HOUR. HAVE COLD FEET. 10:00 STONED AND STRAIGHT. CLARITY, INSIGHTS, VISUALS. 10:40 SECOND BOOSTER THREE HOUR TRIP AND DOWN AT 12:00 TYPED FROM RC'S NOTES

NOTES ON 2CB THERE WAS SPACE FOR EGO TO COME UP. SPACE TO HAVE EMOTION AND NOT BE IT, AND SPACE FOR EARTHLY KNOWING AND CLARITY, LIKE HAVING YOUR FEET ONE IN EACH WORLD, KNOWING AND BEYOND KNOWING SIMULTANEOUSLY. SOFT OR NO MUSIC WAS FINE. AT ONE AND QUARTER HOURS RC SUGGESTED BOOSTER AT TWO HOURS AND 45 MINUTES WE TOOK THE SECOND BOOSTER. BLISSED OUT. THERE WAS COLDNESS IN THE BEGINNING OF THE TRIP AND A LOW LYING NAUSEA THAT LASTED FOR THE FIRST HALF OF THE TRIP WHICH WAS ABOUT FOUR HOURS. THE WHOLE TRIP WAS ABOUT FOUR HOURS. THERE WERE VISUALS AND NOTICED THAT HAD TO CONCENTRATE TO HAVE THEM EXPAND OR BECOME. HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING STONED AND STRAIGHT AND AT THE SAME TIME. DOWN BY 12:00 AND FULLY FUNCTIONAL. HAD A HEADACHE BUT NOT BAD AND WENT TO WORK. KEPT SAYING THAT IT IS A WONDERFUL TOOL VERY SPACE MAKING AND TO THANK ATS and QB.

2 CB 6/19/80 RC AND OB 8;15 A.M.

369
25 MG.?

8:15 DROP 8:25 OB SAYS HE IS BEGINNING TO FEEL SOMETHING. OB FEELS NAUSEA 8:40 OB ASK ATS HOW OFTEN CAN TAKE 2 CB 8:45 OB HAS CLENCHING JAW 9:00 OB HAS QUIVERING INSIDE. SAYS IT IS ALMOST LIKE COLD. SAYS HAS TURNED ON AND IT IS UNPLEASANT. THROWS-UP 9:05 RC SAYS RIGHT NOW ALL I DO IS WATCH THE NAUSEA COME AND GO. I REMEMBER THE BEGINNING OF THE LAST 2CB 9:10 OB SAYS THERE HAS GOT TO BE MORE TO THIS. IT IS CLEARING MY SINUSES AT LEAST. 9:15 THIS STILL IS FORCING ME TO FACE ALL MY SHIT THERE IS NO WAY OUT BUT TO EXPERIENCE IT AND BOY AM I EXPERIENCING IT. 9:15 RC STANDS UP SAYS HE WOULD LIKE A BOOSTER NOW 9:15 OB SAYS I THINK IF I OPEN MY EYES I COULD PULL MYSELF OUT OF IT. I DON'T WANT A BOOSTER. 9:20 RC PUTS ON MUSIC. 9:30 OB SAYS HOW I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD SIT WITH SOMEONE ON THIS. 9:30 OB SAYS I AM CLEAR BUT NOT INTERESTED. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT. 9:30 NO MATTER WHAT IS SAID. I WANT AN OUNCE.(RC) 9:30 RC IS GETTING VISUALS ON THE CEILING 9:30 OB I STILL WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO MY WORST ENEMY. 9:30 RC I WOULD START WITH 30 AND THEN 7 ONE HOUR LATER.

9:50 9:52

RC I FEEL LIKE I AM COMING DOWN. I AM BACK IN AGAIN. THE FEELING I WAS COMING DOWN WAS ONLY A FLASH

370

10:00 RC THIS IS BETTER THAN THE LAST TIME. I BETTER TALK TO ATS ABOUT IT I MISS THE INTENSITY OF THE LAST TIME A MORE BEAUTIFUL TRIP I COULDN'T WANT. OB DO YOU THINK WE TOOK A SMALLER BEGINNING DOSE? RC THINK 22 THE INTENSITY IS NOT THE SAME BUT FEELINGS AND INSIGHTS ARE THE SAME. OB SAYS NAUSEA LEFT A LONG TIME AGO RC SAYS STILL HAD LOW LYING NAUSEA BUT NOT AS BAD. RC TALKS OF UNIVERSE INSIDE HIMSELF. HE SAYS THIS IS HIS FAVORITE MATERIAL. 10:15 RC ONE OF THE THINGS I DO VERY WELL IS NOT TO FIGURE PEOPLE OUT - NOT TO JUDGE, MANIPULATE, OR BE BETTER THEN THEM AND JUST TO SEE THEN, THE SCARY THING IS THAT THE MORE I DO IT I DISAPPEAR. EGO COMES IN WHEN I JUDGE ECT. AND IT IS JUST TO MAKE ME THERE. WHEN I DISAPPEAR I GO BACK TO THE UNIVERSE AND IT WAS SCARY. AND YET FANTASTIC. WITH OUT CARE WITH OUT WANT. MY NON STONED LIFE IS TO KEEP STRIVING TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE ONLY. NOT TO MAKE THEM DIFFERENT, ONLY LISTENING. IT IS ALL I NEED TO PROVIDE. ANYTHING ELSE I DO BESIDES JUST LISTENING IS SUSPECT. AND YET IT SCARES ME TO THINK THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO DO. 10:20 OB I KNOW THIS DEEPLY. I CAN HAVE IT ALL IF I AM WILLING TO DO WITH OUT ANY OF IT. I'LL NEVER KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE WHERE I LOST IT ALL. 10:30 RC MY COMMITMENT TO HAVE THE SPACE CLEAR- MY ONE COMMITMENT IS SECURITY - TO HAVE THE SPACE CLEAR. OB I WOULD BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT BOOSTERS. COMING DOWN. I THINK, AND THEN I GO TO ANOTHER SPACE. 10:45 RC SAYS HAS NO AMPHETAMINE SWEAT. THIS IS ATS'S MASTERPIECE. THIS, NOT ADAM.

371
10:45 OB I WOULD TAKE A LOT LESS TO BEGIN WITH BECAUSE I AM SENSITIVE. THE FIST PART WAS ON THE LEVEL OF THAT MUSHROOM TRIP. SURE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ON THE DOSAGE ON THIS 11:00 OB FIRST TIME HAD EYES OPEN IT IS BEAUTIFUL VISUALS. RC I WOULD NOT WANT TO TAKE IT MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH BECAUSE OF THE INTENSITY. 11:15 OB PEES A FEW MINUTES LATER WE GET UP AND GO OUTSIDE.

THIS WAS TYPED FROM THE NOTES NOT THE TAPE. THERE IS MORE ON THE TAPES IN PLACES WHERE RC TALKED OF THE UNIVERSE INSIDE HIMSELF. ALSO THERE MAY BE SUBTLE WORD CHANGES ON THE TAPE THAT I MISSED WHILE WRITING.

372
2c-3a

tr 4.4mg 8.1mg 13.8mg 40mg 65mg

1963 page 73

80mg ATS 7/23/80 10:25AM=[0:00][0:45] a little something going on? [1:25] a twinge? real? little else. - 120mg AP 2/23/81. 11:08AM=[0:00] alert? [0:47] - then nothing. -

373
,N-DiMe MDA MDM (for Mephenteramine)

20mg 6mg 8/4/80 11:15AM=[0:00][0:55] + 14mg. without noticeable alert but early afternoon [2:00] getting much done, extremely efficiently. 40mg 8/22/80 11:10AM=[0:00] n.e. 60mg 8/30/80 AP 12:54AM=[0:00] [0:11] faint chill alert [:36] still faint; [1:30] to +? [2:00] + [3:00] loss of time sense - serene MDMA-like +. No visual, only window. [4:45] slow drop [6:00] trace residue. + 110mg [80+30] 6/28/82 80mg @ 10:45AM=(0:00) [:30] aware [:50] light head (1:30) vague widow, - no erotic [2:15] vague light-head that in all at best [2:45] + 30mg 110, hopefully not too late [3:45] jaw? - at best. Maybe compromised [with] 24mg PE@ [-24].

REPORT OF EXPERIENCE WITH MDMA, JULY 16, 1980 Participants: Uma and Jacob Frazier, Peggy & Fred Place: Condominium overlooking the beach at San Clemente, CA Dosage: 120 m.g. for all participants

374

Background: The four of us were enjoying several days vacation at this very lovely setting. Our apartment was on a hill with a beautiful view of the beach and the ocean, with the sound of the surf coming through the french doors opening on a pleasant, sun-filled balcony. Jacob has been a very interested student of these materials, and we had completed an experience with more intense material 11 days earlier. We had explored some of the aspects of these experiences afterwards, and he was anxious to have another before getting back to school in Mexico. We were all happy to join in. 10:18 Start 10:50 Peggy reports first alert, stomach flutters, chemical taste in mouth. I have been feeling a slight rise in energy. 11:05 Within a few minutes, the experience becomes very intense with everyone, all of us being intensely intoxicated. It is the most intoxicated I have ever been. We all feel glorious, see enormous beauty, and are extremely grateful for the experience. The usual softening of features, dropping of the years, intense light and beauty, and softening of the skin develops in everyone. We are very much at peace. 11:30 We are all most intoxicated. Peggy has eye darting; Jacob reports slight eye darting. We are all enjoying the experience immensely, and enjoying the beauty and feel of the ocean. From time to time, we move out to the sun on the balcony, and enjoy the life of the plants, the fresh air, the smell of the ocean. 11:38 All take 40 m.g. supplement. The experience continues joyfully and peacefully. We enjoy and appreciate each other very much, as well as the source that made the experience possible. We listen to music. 1:00 I have a very unusual external experience. Sitting relaxed looking out the window at the beauty of the ocean, I ask my soul to appear. I begin to see a huge ship (eyes open), faced with heavy block of stone and lattice work. Behind the stonework the flashes of sunlight on the water which look like diamonds become the glaring beauty of my soul. I watch fascinated for some time. I have never before had such an intense external experience with this substance. 3:00 We go down to the beach, very much enjoying the outdoor experience. I take a run, going further than usual, and noticing that I don't have to breathe hard. The water was delightful, although so icy cold we could not stay in long. We retire to a wonderful, relaxed evening. The girls feel pleasantly tired, but Jacob and I feel quite energetic. After a very nice supper of a special Mexican dish prepared by Jacob, we go out and do some shopping. We are all nicely tired when we return, and have a wonderful night's sleep. The drive back to Lone Pine the next day was smooth and peaceful and more enjoyable, and seemed to require no expenditure of energy. I felt marvelously in tune with everything that I saw.

EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA Date: March 16, 1980

375

Participants: Raleigh and Bryan, Fred and Peggy Dosage: 100 m.g. For Raleigh and Bryan 120 m.g. For Peggy and Fred Background: Raleigh and Bryan are neighbors and good friends. They live in Los Angeles, in Westwood where Bryan is a professor of Biology at UCLA and Raleigh is a department head in Personal Services at UCLA. They spend most of the summer in Lone Pine and weekends throughout the winter when they can, which has been less frequent this past year. We have been close enough that I have discussed my work at the Foundation with them, but they did not show much personal interest. However, as Raleigh began to show more signs of stress, I suggested one of our new approaches could be helpful, and she agreed. It has taken several months for us to work out a weekend when we could both couldcommit uninterrupted time to it, but it finally worked out. Bryan is a very good looking, lithe man who loves the mountains, hiking and backpacking, and is a technical climber. He is very intelligent and personable, and quite well informed. Raleigh is plump, very warm, and very bright. She loves to travel, is a very perceptive observer, and loves to talk about her travels. She also is quite well informed. They are around 60. Start: 9:31 A.M.

9:54 I feel for first time, an inner euphoria building up. Peggy feels also, but not as strong as usual. Raleigh and Bryan are only slightly aware of any effect. For the next hour, the effects intensify, but both Peggy and I feel not nearly as strongly as in our previous experience of January 26. I am aware of considerable resistance in our guests, and feel that they would move more freely with a larger dose. They begin to feel the effects more, and mostly experience the deep relaxing effect. After about an hour, Peggy is well into it, with the usual softening of skin and glowing face. This does not show up as much on Raleigh and Bryan although in both of them their eyes become very clear and bright. They do not seem to be aware of much change in perception. They both feel good, Raleigh very much enjoying lying on the sofa, and Bryan is enjoying sitting on the floor. It is a beautiful clear day, although a little chilly outside from a north wind. We light the fire to take off the chill in the house. The snow covered mountains are very beautiful. 11:00 We all take supplement, 40 m.g. For everyone but me. I take 60 m.g. in hopes of deepening the experience. I have suggested to the others that they might wish to take a little more than the usual supplement, but they are all content to take the customary amount. The experience is very smooth as supplement takes effect. Everyone feels good, I feel much euphoria, Peggy is glowing, very deeply relaxed. We talk freely, carrying on a continuing conversation about many interesting subjects. We listen to some piano music, which everyone enjoys (they all know and like Iren), but we play it softly in the background so as not to interfere with the conversation. I was anxious for people to step outside and experience the wonder of the outdoors, but everyone was too comfortable to move. Bryan was unsteady on his feet, and quite content to sit. After a while, we did move outside. It had warmed up and the wind died down, and we spent most of the balance of the outdoors lounging on

-2the deck. Around noon, Raleigh stated she was hungry, and we had pieces of pear and banana, and later cheese and crackers, to munch on. Everything tasted good. The conversation remained very animation all afternoon, and we were very warm and comfortable with each other. Everyone felt very good (that is, good to be with), and we had a most enjoyable day. We stayed on the deck until the sun dropped behind the mountain, about 5:15. Then we came in for some delicious soup, sweet and sour chicken, and acompanyments. While by this time everyone was hungry and the food tasted very good, we noticed that it didn't take much to fill up. We started another fire and relaxed in the living room, and looked at out stereo slides from our Mexico trip. Raleigh and Bryan are very fond of Mexico, and had lived near Vera Cruz for a year. They enjoyed the pictures. After this it was about 8:30 p.m., and everyone was tired, so we called it a day. We saw Raleigh and Bryan again the next evening, and they were feeling very well, and had enjoyed the experience. However, I think that they missed some of the profounder effects, and should they be interested in repeating it, I will suggest a higher dose. If their experience should follow Vanessa's, even a report at the same dose would produce deeper effects.

primer studies +++

(from 336) (to 469)

376

8/17/80 MDMA->LSD (120mg, at [6:00] 125g LSD), AP: Still at ~ [with] MDMA. extremely rapid onset (effects, quiet, at [0:25][0:35] pulse to 116. rapid development, lost in tangle of legs, ect to [3:00]. Kitchen break. full +++. sparkles, rainbows, beautifully stoned. Break again [6:00] light eating (cheeze, grapes) extremely thirsty - still ~ +++ or a little down. exhausted - easy sleep. AM - energetic, no residue - completely clearIt seems as if the LSD added right onto the MDMA - no refractory aspect at all. Erotic but org. impossible. MDMA->LSD [6:00] see 378 MDMA->LSD [1:30] see 398 MDMA->LSD [1:30] see 405

++(.5) 2/20/81 MDMA->Pot. ATS, AP, LM, KT; MDMA all, 120+40 over -[7:00-3:00]; here 10:40PM=[0:00] sweet sens. ex KT - wine-bubble pipe. 3 deep tokes 10:40-10:50 [:00] aware [:15] 11:00-11:15 [:20] sudden distinct but fallen [0:30] 11:20-11:30 [:40] [:50] to good sound ++ between [:50] and [1:20] (11:30PM->12AM) considerable time distortion - up from table, KT to car for tents, LM to tent site - set up, into house, back out, to house AP in Bath R.time estimates & stop clock (ATS 3:1, AP 2:1); bed 1:30 - lights off. [1:30-2:30] super erotic - continuing time distortion both slow, extended org! good sleep, awake at [6:00] - quite alert - sleep to [9:00] refreshed, energetic. ++.5. ++.5 3/27/81 MDMA->LSD (120+40->125g@[7:00]) 8:00PM=[0:00][:15] aware, hand tremor [:20] starts - pulse 100; [:35] to ++ already. [4:30] some dropping following 4 hrs of eroticism - fantasy to sex and music. Somewhat depleted AM v.hungry- easy sleep - ATS up after 8 hrs sleep - no price whatsoever excellent base-line ++.5 4/5/81 MDE(MDMA)->LSD (150+50;+120) at as early as [-10:00] (see p.412) 10:37PM=[0:00] 125g [:20] aware [:40] to +, eventual to ~++. Wildly erotic, not too stoned (~++ at most) [4:00-5:00] some mixed-up fantasy & sleep [5:30] up for pee, cake, salad - easy real sleep to [11:00] - arousable again, but org. impossible throughout. Good AM baseline - coordinated energy. AP also. overall ++, too long a wait between primer & LSD. 1 bowl soup, 2 glasses champagne at [-1:30] 5/25/81 MDE->LSD (150, +120) AP, ATS; MDE at [-6:30] q.v. [:25] aware, quiet development, [:40] developing [1:20] to ++ or ++.5. Try chess surprisingly calculatable game - to bed [with] some (ATS) and much (AP) fantasy to sex and music. Extraordinarily arousable & erotic, orgasm impossible ATS possible, intense AP - drift to sleep at ~[5:00] AM. arousable, energetic.

++

++.5

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT, AUGUST 11, 1980 Participants: Peggy Dosage (in 50+50 Fred Neil 50+50 Clare Ann Sasha

(MDA) see 319

377

Uma

60+60

75+75 75+75

50+50 2 equal installments)

8:50 First half taken on empty stomach 9:30 Second half taken. I am already feeling intoxicated. It was a very smooth takeoff for all, an excellent procedure. The effects grew smoothly in intensity reaching a long, broad peak which lasted several hours. Full effect was achieved in 1 to 1-1/2 hours after start. Peggy became nauseous and gassy about 2 hours after the start, which lasted about 15 minutes. She though it might be too much alcohol. Otherwise, things developed extremely smoothly and blissfully. It was a marvelous day, full of euphoria, beauty, and marvelous feelings for all present. The typical glow, softening of features, and ease of communication was everywhere present. The outdoors was beautiful, as was indoors, where it felt good to be in the presence of others. It was extremely relaxing, a most enjoyable and rewarding experience. Several found the experience very rewarding inside, although I preferred to enjoy the company of those around and the beauty of outside perception, although it felt very good within, which I tried several times. I was aware of no great problems that needed answering, or any insights that were demanded, but just a beautiful flow of enjoying what was happening. It was extremely relaxing. Later in the afternoon, things to nibble on tasted wonderful, but a little went a long ways. Climbing a hill late in the afternoon near sunset was very marvelous. The good feeling continued to bedtime, followed by sound sleep. During the day there was clarity of thinking and conversation that was quite enjoyable, contrasted to the blocking and immersion in feelings that I sometimes experience in these experiments. The dose level proved to be just right for me, as the effects were intense, yet I felt no physical symptoms usually associated with overdose such as jaw clenching.

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA Date: August 20, 1980 Participants: Quinn (my son), Zabrina (his wife), Peggy, Fred Dosage: 120 m.g. for all but Zabrina, who had none.

MDMA->LSD [6:00]

378

Background: Quinn and Zabrina were staying with us for a week, and we had many intimate discussions and several hikes into the mountains. They loved the area, and Quinn was very anxious to share a psychedelic experience in this setting. He wanted a deep, intense experience; Peggy wished a lighter one. I opted to support Peggy and Quinn agreed. Quinn is a very experienced traveler, but we have shared only 1 experience, 2 years ago, in the last 15 years, which was also Zabrina's first and only experience. I have not encouraged Quinn in the past, feeling he is too eager to explore outer ranges of consciousness while neglecting quite a lot on this level. Lately he has been putting things together on this level much better, becoming a quite effective salesman, in many ways. I had fairly strong feelings that the new material would be the best under the circumstances. Zabrina did not wish to participate at all, since she was nursing the baby and did not want to do anything that might interfere with this process. 10:19AM Start on empty stomach 10:45 Quinn begins to open up. Peggy has first alert while talking on the phone to her mother. 10:58 I am very intoxicated. Quinn starts the Bach Fugue for organ on the tape recorder. 11:05 I am quite intoxicated, but handle a phone call quite well. We all move beautifully into the experience. The usual glow, softness, mellowness, euphoria grow, and ease of communication, One factor Quinn found a little disturbing is my hourly departure to change and water on the trees. I personally very much enjoyed the outdoors, and found it most exhilarating to do my regular chores in this state. Outside was marvelously beautiful. My absence gave Quinn and Peggy a chance to communicate. Peggy very much felt Quinn's support, and became very understanding of his deep spiritual interests. She also felt that Quinn was most helpful in helping her see aspects of her relationship to me, so that we became very close. We were all in a beautiful space. 11:52 We all take 40 m.g. supplement, Zabrina, seeing what a marvelous place we were all in, wants to join in, I recommend that she take an initial dose of 100 m.g., as I am unaware of it being at less than 80. However, she is very adamant that she wants to take only the supplement amount, so she takes 40 along with the rest of us. 1:50 Zabrina had moved very nicely into the experience, and has gone into a deep relaxation, which is profoundly peaceful. She has never felt so rested. Peggy is also very relaxed.

-2-

379

4:25 The experience has progressed beautifully for all of us, and we are gently coming down. I am in the orchard, changing the water. Quinn had earlier suggested taking the most potent material on top of our experience to see where it leads. I had not liked the idea and rejected it. I was beginning to feel remorse for turning Quinn down, and wondering about my own fears.- So when Quinn walked up, held out his hand, and said "Happy Birthday, Pop," I joined him. 4:45 I am not yet feeling any different. Zabrina feels wonderful, very light headed and very stoned, and very expanded out of her body. Everything looks beautiful. She is most pleased with the experience. 5:00 I begin to feel the second material taking effect. It grows in power and strength, taking an extremely smooth rise from where we were. The first experience was indeed a marvelous launching platform for the second. The power of and intensity grew enormously, far beyond the peak of the first experience. It was quite different. The marvelous closeness and intimacy of the MDMA gradually left, being replaced by something far more powerful but over a much broader spectrum. All through the second experience, which was much more profound in many ways, there was a feeling of thinness, perhaps even loneliness, which was not nearly as comforting as the centeredness and closeness of the MDMA. We all sat on the deck and watched the sun set behind the mountain. The suns rays exemplified the enormous light, power, and love streaming from God. It was incredibly beautiful, and we were all caught up in it. The girls experienced a contact high. Quinn called me over to the edge of the deck, where he was absolutely glowing. Everything around us was incredibly beautiful and full of energy. Quinn was absolutely delighted, and said it was his very best experience. It was also for me. I could see Quinn for the space traveler that he was, and dropped my judgments. We met, and the love flowed between us. I held Xavier, my grandson, and we met. Xavier responded better to me all the rest of his visit. We stayed on the deck for several hours, basking in the glory of the experience, and soaking up the moonlight. I was somewhat annoyed with Quinn as he had so many rules and games for using the experience. However, we was very insightful in giving helpful suggestions for dropping my negativity. The next morning we discussed our differences and he was very understanding, more than I had projected. The wonderful closeness of the MDMA experience returned as we cleared up our communication. I spend a lot of time looking at the moon, and doing what I felt was "Gathering up its strength." This strength stayed with me more than after any experience. It was a truly marvelous experience, and I have been more on top than ever. It was wonderful to get reconciled with Quinn. I also felt the marvelous start to the whole procedure initiated by the experience with Ann, Sasha, and the Tusa's. Life has never been better.

Report on MEM from TG and AG 50 50 50 20 50 Group ATS AP MP TG AG

August 13, 1980

380

Method AG ingested 50 mg and TG late in morning after a very light breakfast (low-fat milk and granola). AG notes that he entered the experiment, as did TG with some residual fatigue from a hard-working, emotionally moderately tense week. Results: for AG the experience came on within 10 minutes which is the fastest he's felt from any material. The accent was rapid to about a 2.5 level and for the first hour tended to an inward fantasizing with a distinct sensual tinge From the beginning for AG there was some queasiness and an uncomfortable feeling of gaseous bloat The same was true for TG but on a milder level. For AG this uncomfortable physical feeling never left during the entire 11 hour experiment. It controlled oddly with a good feeling of outward articulation and lucidity which succeeded in coming to the fore after the introverted first hour. This contrast between inward and outward sensations was reminiscent of Alpha-0 Discussion: The degree of influence from MEM remained at 2.5-2.75 levels. There were no impairments to physical function which could not be overcome if the necessity arose. The psychological components of the experience were attractive but the physical factors were decidedly not. Sleep was difficult, but the next day was calm and clear.

[Editor's Note: Page 381 has been merged with this page]

(1) Tues 8/19/80 S. Dunn Background material: I was somewhat depressed most of the day. Karis suggested we get together that night and try this drug. we ate lunch around 11:30. I didn't have anything to drink all day. I was afraid that I would get even more depressed taking this drug. I didn't want to - I wanted to have a peaceful experience. Was hungry 6:30 - took the drug 7:15 - started to feel somewhat relaxed 7:30 - started to feel (gradually) higher + higher For about 15 minutes I couldn't think or talk. I just sat on the couch not moving. I became aware of my jaw and the clenching of my teeth. I wanted to stop doing this but couldn't, I was also smiling a lot. Both my arms (top side, interior) from my elbow to my wrist and my genital area were really warm. It was almost a burning sensation from inside to out. I wasn't talking much - Karis + I would just look at each other across the couch once in awhile and smile. I felt calm + peaceful. I wanted to listen to SOFT, SLOW music. at times a song would make me start feeling sad I would force myself to think of something pleasant at times my vision would get blurry and at other times colors seemed brighter and sharper We started a fire it was beautiful - the way the wood burned and the color. It was so beautiful it seemed unreal. I smoked over a pack of cigarettes I was no longer hungry I didn't even want anything to drink - the few sips of wine that I took tasted horrible. I felt myself coming down We both took a supplement - by this time I just went with feelings - no longer trying to control the situation. I felt peaceful, totally relaxed - didn't want to even move. 11:20 - We were both down again 11:30 - We went to bed - I couldn't sleep so about midnight I got up dressed and drove home. Next Day - I could remember the experience and wanted to feel that way all the time. I felt good all day. continued 391 [Editor's Note: Page 383 has been merged with this page]

382

384
TWENTY EIGHT AUGUST EIGHTY DEAR SASCHA 120+40mg MDMA Herewith Curtis' reactions as promised I'm hoarding the other dose for my recuperation from surgery Wednesday. Best to you both NS

FORGIVE THIS FORMAT (AND MY FAMILIARITY NOT USING YOUR SURNAME) BUT THIS COMPUTER KEYBOARD IS THE ONLY TYPEWRITER WITH WHICH I MAY TRANSCRIBE MY TAPE RECORDED TRANSACTIONS WITH YOUR NEW MATERIAL NO PUNCTUATION OR SMALLER CASE POSSIBLE, Unless ah this can be rectified, which I just have done. Follows a literal transcribed copy of the tape I kept, at whatever seemed to me to be a proper time to report, of how my evening was progressing. Parentheticals added tonight. 7:32 (PM) I've just taken it. I don't feel a thing.

Thirty-five minutes, uh, right now. There is an exhilaration on intoxication. It occurs to me I haven't had any drugs for along time...never take them to feel insecure at the moment. So this is fine, but it doesn't....Uh, the softening of the visuals, rather like champagne. And a little bit of slurring of speech. And a little vertigo when standing up and walking across the room quickly. Uh, nothing except a feeling of some drug of unknown proportions, which is becoming a majority of my brain. Rather sweaty hands, clammy feet (I was barefoot) itching around the eyes. Well, the coordination's OK. I watered the (15) plants without spilling any. Of course, (when I started to fill the watering can) I turned on the heater in the bathroom instead of turning on the light (switches on the same plate.) But...who is to draw the line between me doing that ANYWAY. . . . I should put in, this is five minutes later, that I've been having a glass of wine, (12%) and I have not eaten anything since 4 o'clock. Now I'm starting a second glass, soo..perhaps it's tempered by these sips of wine. That's. . .I seldom at least take half an hour to drink one glass, I notice but I have, and it's enjoyable. (NS says something) Yeah, and it's 40 minutes since I dropped. This is 45, too, I decided to throw this in. I don't feel inarticulate. The exhilaration of the drug is I've never had it before -- yes, that's part of the package -- I think this exhilaration is uh not too extreme for a first time. Ah, here it is on the interval of 8:30 and my intoxication is such that I have trouble working buttons uh driving would be an imposition. . .uh, but possible if I had to. . .I'd be bored driving, but I could certainly to it. Uh...the top of my head feels affected as opposed to the lower centers. It seems like my head is square, and there's sort of a crown effect, a capping of it sort of. But I was reading about the Phrygian Cap today. That may have something to do with it. Now there is definitely a chance in my being, like I have put something on my mind . . . .in and of itself it's pleasing. . .(Unsure) Seem to be forgetting to breathe regularly. So that's how intoxicated I am. Hallucinations are none, and hearing is about the same. Heat feels good (fireplace lit by NS)and, um,..I'm still sipping on the second glass of wine. At this time, it's half empty.

8:45 So 15 minutes have been decided to be the correct increments. Uh. Certainly feeling intoxicated. Don't uh...don't really have any inflammation of tongue or salivary glands or teeth that keep my speech from being slurred or slushy. But it's my old preference not to sound drunk if I am drunk or. . . not to sound off whatever state I have departed from. uh...about a half hour ago I decided I wanted to hear the Oakville dawn tape (a recording made in the vineyard in Napa Valley during dawn on the summer solstice with a portable recorder rolled just at sunrise) which is an actuality of sunrise of the longest day of the year from the balcony of the dome in Oakville. Seems like it couldn't have been played at a better time. Uh, my palms are still sweaty and my feet are still clammy but maybe it is because I need a shower. NS asks question off microphone) No, no. Not in my jaw or in my oral muscles. It's --It's no difficulty. I mean, talking is fine. I can talk this way on alcohol, but it requires really biting down and watching what I'm doing. As soon as you stop watching what you're doing you slush out, or splinterize, or something. I'm not about to do that. It IS...uh...funny feeling in the cheeks. Perhaps we would have been sitting here listening to this tape and having it sound so nice. I Highly doubt. . . . Perhaps we would have been downstairs watching TV turning the knob to dodge commercials. So. (NS asks if my "awareness has been enhanced.") I don't know. During the next fifteen minutes I'm going to try looking at uh, printed things. I haven't done that yet. I just been a little too clinical. (NS accedes.) Oh hi. I'm still trying to figure out how to work the tape recorder. I have to get this thing straightened out. When this next happens, then it will be voiceactuated, or something. It's ridiculous, all these mechanics. But, uh, now it's 8:50, and I just read about how uh, Giuseppe Manzoni was instrumental in Verdi writing the Requiem, and has a little trouble...concentrating on the unsaid strange. At this point, which is 8:50:30. I do keep remembering to breathe (sighs), so that's the kind of intoxication we have -- where you sometimes forget to breathe. You might just be sitting there without breathing. Have to watch that. . . (NS reads current daily horoscope to me from newspaper as advertisement) OHmigod, whose horoscope is that? (NS Leo.) Oh, What's the real one? (NS: Yours or mine?) Both, (NS How diplomatic!) Nine o'clock, and I took two dots of cocaine. Noticed I was somewhat anesthetized to the affects (effects) of it. The usual sharp sting that would occur did not. Maybe I'm not aware of sudden, strong, sharp sensations physically. (Slaps face) Maybe hitting my face is no good test. Things continue to be contemplatively rosy. And the fireplace (far removed) feels good. 16m just reporting another half hour. I don't feel tired. And I don't feel rested. I don't feel like I want to get up and do anything. But this must be normal, for I wouldn't feel like getting up and doing anything at 9 oclock on Sunday night anyway. Nine fifteen, and I have taken the booster dose. Return of clammy feet and hands -- of course, the fog's come in.. . We'll turn up the fire.

385

The ability to move is in me, but I don't normally jump up and down this time of evening. The dawn tape is pleasant to keep repeating. I'm considering becoming active, rather than sitting here looking into the candle and smelling the incense. . . . Well, there is a drug going on. Lots of orange in the light. Sort of champagne roses to the ..... An excessive contrast perhaps to spots of light against dark backgrounds. Sort of a diffusion there. Looking into a candle, it is..... Uh, the best example is when the phone rang (NS had placed a call) I noticed the light behind the button looked so pleasant. Tomorrow it'll be the same, but right now it looks cute. At nine thirty, the dose is effective in that my circulation seems really good. And time is expanded. The last fifteen minutes were the longest since the experiment started. The exhilaration bad been brought back, so is the idea of forgetting to breathe once in awhile. But otherwise, I am just...a little thirsty. The page before my eyes is mottled with oranges. Perhaps the ol' psychedelic paisley. But no. More metrical. In the dim orange light, the page looks slightly mottled and orange. At nine forty-five, I'm still exhilarated and intoxicated. But the thought has occurred 'What is too much of this drug to take?', so now I know the height's over with. (Not true. The pauses on tape are now longer, and the speech, usually sibilants, was blurred).

386

(Two hours, twenty five minutes) We've been looking up a classified ad in the newspaper for a long standing service-at-home need. The violin in the Wagner (music) sounds really sweet. The lights are still suffused. But there is a definite return of sensation to my hands -- the tendons in my hands -- (Sighs) Then thirty. I feel my auto-pilot breather is so relaxed, if one overdosed on this, one'd suffocate. Would relax out of, almost what's going on altogether. You'd have awake apnea (not a word I typically utilize!). Um, I'm basically feeling sane and light. The lights still have the orange filter. Everything quite pleasant, except I do not have a cigarette. At ten forty five, there has been a lot of music I observation begins to break...uh, I shift back and forth things with as great unity as perhaps I just did before. when you are peaking. I think this is the indication I'm enjoyed. My continuity of and am not able to follow The unity seems greatest coming off.

Uh, if I'm wondering about coming off, I must be coming off this. (By eleven fifty five, I announced I was tired and was going to bed. I said:) Frames are missing from my persistence of vision. The red fuschia against the grey fog is enhanced nicely. It seems to be moving back and forth with a tick-tock motion rather than in an arc.. This am expecting too much of a fuchsia.# I went to bed in an hour. Usually, I remain up until 1 AM anyhow. The following two days,my stomach seemed unsettled and/or "acidic." This was not usual.

Hope this does some good to you. Thanks for allowing me this chance to help with your definitions. Curtis Udley

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT December 9, 1980 Subjects: Peggy and Fred Dosage: Peggy, 120 m.g. MDMA, Fred 1 blue tab LSD

387

Background: Our last experiment on November 19 worked out very well, and I wished to continue the development initiated there. I was anxious to apply my new learning to an intenser amount of chemical. I hoped with my new knowledge to avoid the previous discomfort of the pure substance, and also to avoid the lingering physiological effects of the MDMA. Peggy preferred to take only the MDMA. 8:53 A.M. Start on empty stomach.

9:20 I am feeling quite a bit, Peggy doesn't notice yet. 9:38 Peggy is beginning to notice, but it is very mild. There is a slight unpleasant chemical taste in her mouth; she can taste her fillings. 10:05 Peggy feels great, quite talkative, nothing negative. I have gotten very deeply into myself, with powerful feelings, a lot of negativity, and pain. Peggy wonders how it would work to use MDMA as Steck wished, for a depressed person to take it alone. She concludes that they would remain depressed, since they are creating the depression. 10:20 Peggy takes 40 m.g. supplement. Our experiences go completely different paths, with very little commonality. Peggy is happy, active, wraps Christmas present. She is much more energetic throughout the day than is usual for her. She feels good all day, but not as euphoric as in our group experiments. Later in the day she gets more pensive, and feels my negative state has dragged her down, but she stays pretty well on top. I am completely engrossed in myself, and feel strongly driven to enter into myself, I spend most of the day looking at all aspects of myself with a strong negative bias, in that everything coming up seems to be something I am doing wrong. I experience my father's pain on facing death, my aunt's pain in taking care of him, my pain of lack of caring, the problems of many of the people I have dealt with in the last few weeks, my ego involvement in Multimedia, my relationship with It is not as intense as the DOM experience of last spring, and lets up during the day as I work through it, leading to beautiful, enjoyable experience in the afternoon. However, the negativity never completely left and in the evening I was pensive. I seemed to always see the black side of everything. Two times when I went outside during the day I enjoyed the beauty and life of the outdoors immensely, but after a while missed Peggy and returned. Despite being quite intoxicated, it was fairly easy to manage the phonograph, keeping the fire going, ect. The height of the experience for me came around 2 p.m., listening to Beethoven's 2nd symphony, laying on the sofa looking out the window at the sky and the mountains. I felt a powerful rage and rebelliousness within me. I was Satan, and destroying all the beauty that God created. Whatever appeared, I destroyed it to prove my power. I knew that under any circumstances. Following this, I had a very peaceful, loving withdrawal cuddled up with Peggy. Remarkably, I awoke the next morning without a trace of negativity, feeling strong, cleansed, very much myself, neither manic not depressed. This has continued. It all seemed most worthwhile.

MDMA. ++

from 331, to page 568

388

120mg+40mg 9/14/80 AP, TS (19 hrs post 2C-E) ~1:30=[0:00] supplement +[1:45] normal chronology - explore TS intense depression. AP [with] direct questions and directed imagery - ATS. away for ~1 hr to allow easy flow. Quite effective- Anorexia - but TS ate modestly. Very comfortable and constructive, a ++ or slightly under for me. 140+40mg 11/15/80 AP, ATS, SN, HN . 12:05=[0:00] [0:30] SN alert ATS ~+++ by [0:50] supplements at [1:40]. Slower than usual drop off. much talk. excellent. SN & HN nausea, vomiting. Still some awareness at [5:00] he, power; she, body. 140+40mg 11/16/80 AP, ATS NS, CU 120+40 11:50=[0:00] ATS alert 0:15 develop at 0:35 [with] Kosher chronology. No nausea, anyone. Supplement at [1:40] - virtually down at [4:00]. Excellent experience. ATS only ++ or a little above. AP > yesterday. Probably no short term tolerance. 120mg 1/26/81 AP, GC, LC . No supplement. Proper chronology - B.pressure taken LC ~140/; 2 days later 120/! Well received, no sequitur. ++ 120+40 =160. 2/20/81 AP, LM, KT 3:58PM=[0:00] [-3:00 = buscaline, ATS]. alerts [:27-:32) except LM later. fine, well accepted development to ++ drop [1:30?] + 40mg all. No apparent diminution from earlier in the day - much easy. relaxed talk. [4:00] pretty well down. KM observer. ++ 120+40 =160 3/27/81 AP, LE, ATS 120mg 1PM=[0:00] alerts all [:30-:35] my chron. slower than usual - supple. [1:40] - much talk - openness as to GK's dreams of safe, informed euphoriant distribution - good close feeling. still or + at [7:00] - use as primer to LSD, see 376 120+60 =180 7/26/81 AP, GC, ATS 3:10=[0:00], supplement at [1:30] - routine. use as primer to LSD, see 469

+++

++

++ ++

++

++

++.5 140+40 8/8/81 AP, GC (my 5-TOM day) 12:50PM=[0:00] GC to +++ quickly, AP more slowly - almost too much for working level, but excellent experience. Supplement at [1:35], AP extension, GC drop. then recover to ~++.5 at [2:00]. Fairly rapid decline. ++ 120+40 11/23/81 AP, GC, ATS [:30] alerts - all strangely just barely to ++ generalized irritation, better, discontent & tension. Supplement @[1:40] more relaxation - finally all into pleasant, brief ++. Tensions gone. Basically satisfactory.

389
isoproscaline to 418

"Isoproscaline"

1-19-80 2-02-80 8:18 P.M. 7:57 P.M. 11-11:30P. 1:00 A.M. 7:58 P.M. 9:00 P.M. 9:20 1:00 A.M. 20 mg p.o. 30 mg p.o. Threshold? To bed. Visual images. Sleepless night...awake/asleep...imagery 40 mg p.o. Definite nausea Still nausea, definite central effect. To Bed. Well past threshold. Night of imagery, thoughts, introspection. Unable to sleep until after 7 a.m. 9-70-80 No effect

9-6-80

Based on previous work, I place a threshold at 30-35 mg. The higher dose on 9-6 also followed about 10 lb weight loss from previous test. The 40 mg dose is very definitely above what I have defined as "threshold". The questionable 30 mg dose sets a bottom limit. From my notes it seems about 20/35 as active as escaline. That would place it about 3.5 m.u. However, the dose response curve seems steep and it may well be that 60 mg would correspond to 60 mg escaline.

20mg 12/15/80 12:N [1:00-2:00] slightest threshold. then (-). excellent erot. 30mg 12/18/80 1:37PM=[0:00][:30] alert [1:00] still at best [1:50] no more try eyes closed. no [2:15] maybe a but more - to a + [3:00] no, a [5:00] certainly clear. + 40mg 2/2/81 12:30PM=[0:00]. Absolutely quiet alert at [:40] - by [1:00] to a quiet +; [1:30] extremely erotic, ej; [2:30] probably dropping? [4:00] still detectable [5:00] still trace [8:00] down for sure - wine [with] little effect. to 418

REPORT OF EXPERIENCE Date: September 16, 1980 Compound: Material left over from experiment of August 11, 1980 Dosage: Approximately 80 m.g. MDA Start at 9:57 A.M. on empty stomach with 1/2 the amount, due to miscalculation that dosage might be double the amount.

390

10:15 Took balance of the amount on verifying that total was only 80 m.g. each. 10:27 Can feel effects when stand up. Have been sitting on the deck, watching a very beautiful day take shape. 10:40 Peggy feels coming on more strongly. Feels a little squeamish. 10:55 Developing very strongly. It's hard to be on one's feet. We find sitting in the sun too hot, sitting in the shade too cold. With some effort, we carry chairs down to sit under the cottonwood trees, where there is a mixture of sun and shade. For the next hour, we sit under the trees, while the material reaches its full effect. It is incredibly beautiful. The trees, the sky, the mountains, the clouds, are magnificently beautiful. The experience seems as strong or stronger than the August 11 experiment, although we have taken a smaller amount. It is truly glorious. 12:30 We go into the house, and lie on the bed so we can be closer. It feels marvelous to be close to each other. However, I am aware of a barrier between us. We enjoy being close, and the barrier gradually dissolves away, leaving us feeling even closer and more euphoria running between us. After a couple of hours, we move to the living room, and have some personal discussions which clear the air more. However, we are now beginning to feel very languid, and physical movement is difficult. 4:00 We take a walk outside. It is hard to get started, but once moving, it goes o.k. The outdoors lifts one up. Energy seems to come from everywhere. We are still very much in the experience. This material allows both external and internal experience. It has the deep euphoria of MDMA, yet much of the freedom of thought of LSD. Peggy kept remarking how much like LSD it was, as she kept experiencing imagery. Again we greatly enjoy the outdoors, the beautiful skies and marvelous cloud formations, enhanced by the wonderful feeling of closeness that has grown between us. 5:00 We go back inside, and listen to music. The music is marvelous, and we are very at peace with each other. Later we have some Japanese soup with noodles that tastes marvelous. We have little energy, and enjoy very much lying on the floor listening to music. We decided to continue to watch shogun, and found it a very enjoyable experience. We retired still feeling quite languid, but joyful and at peace. Peggy and I have never been closer.

391
(3) Thursday 8/21/80 from p383 I was upset and depressed ALL DAY. I wanted to have the Tues. night experience again. (NOT THINKING) Noon: - HAD three drinks + lunch. 6:00pm - I started to drink wine - was hungry 7:30pm - took drug 8:20pm - beginning to take effect 8:35pm - in highest level - can't think or talk don't want to - this time this state (couldn't think - mind seemed to stop thinking) lasted for about 1/2 hour - I LOVE THIS LEVEL. It feels like you're asleep yet you're not. This time my entire body (except for my feet) was really warm. Colors were bright + sharp, other times my vision was somewhat blurry. Didn't drink or talk but smoked some. 9:00 - started coming out of this state - feeling myself going down - still high - but thinking again. 9:30 - almost totally down - wanted to get to non-thinking level again. started to drink - wine tasted O.K. 9:45 - Took supplement I wasn't aware of clenching my teeth so much this time - I was some - but not like Tues, 10:05 - started getting high again - had trouble walking. 10:30 - I went to the bathroom. as I was sitting there the flowers on the wall paper starting jumping out at me. I got scared - almost called for Karis instead I told myself that it was just my imagination and calmed myself down. 10:40 - I was real hyper - I felt all pinned up inside. I had to keep moving - get it out. I would walk around + around the living room - then I would get tired + lay down to rest. While laying down I would get real hot + be burning up then I would get really cool like the chills. Stomach felt somewhat upset Don't know if it were from drug or wine or both. 11:00 After a while I wanted to Dance fast and listen to FAST music. this lasted for awhile. 11:30 - not sure of time - I calmed down again. Wanted to be peaceful + listen to SOFT, SLOW music again - enjoyed the silence. We hardly talked all night. 12:30 - almost down totally - went to bed. I had trouble sleeping again but knew I shouldn't drive because I was still a little high from the wine.

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MDMA

8/21/80

392

took at 7:30 ate lunch at 11:30 took MDMA on Tuesday 8/19/80 talked to Ann around 8:00-8:05 first stage around 8:10 all the way up by 8:20 drinking coffee, had wine before but switched to coffee heavy sighs and very happy + at peace. told Jennifer what Ann said. Jennifer didn't say much just kind of smiled. jaw quivers when I drink hands + feet cold I'm just as high as I remember on Tuesday. series of burps vision hard to focus sort of flashes Jennifer couldn't think for about 1/2 hour she said. Very quiet during the time. Jennifer starting to talk to me now. Is 9:15. She said she is a little more Down from the sty of not thinking. Is smiling now and happy. I am a little down now too but not much. Jennifer took 1/2 supplement at 9:45. Not me. I'm still very high. Now starting to drink a little wine instead of coffee. Jennifer high at 10:05. Walking uneven. Jennifer got busy with supplement at 10:30 I'm still happy high without supplement. Still drinking same glass of wine. 10:30 Jennifer the highest at 10:40. feet got cold - put on socks. but feet got all sweaty. She is a little restless and

393
started to walk around the room-stagger around the room and has a little but of upset stomach. I am more down but still stumble a little when I walk but is easier to concentrate and vision is a little better. Jennifer is hyper time is 10:45. Jennifer's tension only lasted about 5 minutes then she got quiet and more relaxed. After she relaxed she got hit again. I'm still very happy and at peace with the world. Same time as above. 11:00 Jennifer happy and dancing and snapping he finger to the beat of music. First jazz song I've listened to all night. I don't like it. I like it soft. 11:20 Jennifer still hyper, wanting to walk around a lot and having hot flashes but she appears to be happy as opposed to being depressed and likes fast songs. I'm down but still in a quite non moving mood and like the soft music. Just now having second glass of wine. No hot spots - just hot all over except her feet. When she was in the hyper stage she said the flowers in the bathroom stood out. It is midnight. I'm still peaceful and lazy but can't tell if it is the MDMA or the second glass of wine on an empty stomach but it doesn't matter cause the feeling if good. Jennifer is quiet now (not walking around + around) but is in a lighthearted mood. Jennifer is coming down and she burped It is 12:30. I'm down + sleepy.

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395
DOIP

1.0mg 10:23AM=[0:00] 2.0mg 1:25PM=[0:00] 4.0mg 1:17PM=[0:00] [2:30] nothing. 6.0mg 10:05AM=[0:00] [2:15] v. erectable.

ATS ATS

11/6/80 11/9/80

n.e. whatsoever. n.e. [0:35] alert? [1:00] ? threshold. [0:35] alert? [1:00] + [2:00] out?

ATS 11/11/80 ATS 11/13/80

8.0mg 10:42AM=[0:00] ATS 11/27/80 [0:45] kid myself into some awareness? At [1:30] conceivably ;[2:00] disbelieving all, no still [3:00] still [4:00] still - erotic. little erectability - end 3TM NS, shower [5:00] still - maybe +? [7:00] - easy [with] wine - little effect. residues at [12:00] long, extremely subtle day. . Next day - extremely productive - quite hyper. Residual effect? ex Eric letter 3/11/83 active 20 to 30 mg range.

396
3-methoxy-4-methyl MMA see page 1068 ex Eric 10/27/80 5mg n.e., next day energy; to 21mg subtle? next day awareness Webb more

397
Escaline - from p.217

++ 50mg 12/27/80, AP, light food (2 eggs, 1 pear @[-1:45]. 7:13PM=[0:00] Alerts ~[:40]. quiet development to ~[1:30][2:00] ATS ++, AP ++.8, more body than mental. Erotic excellent but little visual. Intense orgasms. Little music synthesis - Light food at [6:00] - dropping. Difficulty sleeping - ATS lightAP nightmarish - much urination. AM - no deficit ATS, AP pallid, wasted. Body, sleep price affects virtue to some extent. Not again in near future. 60mg - 2 trys - correspondence T.C. Michaud (1/6/81) very "mescalinelike" both times with perhaps a touch more muscle tension, tachycardia, and anxiety - The predominant effect was sensory enhancement with little intellectual component. No side effects of note, and overall it was very pleasant.

Steck (7249) - less active than proscaline, in turn less than allylescaline at 20mg

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT NOVEMBER 19, 1980 Subjects: Peggy and Fred Place: Lone Pine residence

398
MDMA->LSD [1:30]

Background: This experiment was provided to give Peggy the opportunity to evaluate the procedure employed in our last experiment with Uma, Vanessa, and Ivan 8:47 A.M. 9:12 9:18 Start, both with 120 m.g. of MDMA on empty stomach.

Peggy feels a "Neil Tusa" shudder. Peggy feels first alert, I feel intoxication coming on.

9:30 I discuss with Peggy my thoughts about the necessity of checking with Sasha and Jennifer Tabbat before proceeding on an experiment with Aiken. For some reason, this discussion pulls me down and leaves me feeling low for a while. The experience continues to develop, and we experience the great euphoria, beauty, and love that is customary. Peggy feels particularly good. As supplement time approaches, she feels so very great that she wonders about taking LSD, and that it might be better to just continue the MDMA. However, on remembering our discussion on setting up the experiment, she decides to continue as originally planned. 10:16 Each take 50mcg. LSD dissolved in water. 10:25 Can begin to feel second dose taking over, faint but growing. A slightly draggy feeling that I had dissolves away. 10:57 Peggy is not aware of any change, feels the same as with first amount. She is very content to just sit. 11:17 Peggy feels some jaw clenching. Time has stopped for her. Peggy looks remarkably beautiful. We are very close. 12:00 The day is developing very smoothly and beautifully. It is a little chilly outside, and we have a fire going in the stove, I go out and look around, enjoying the beauty of the outdoors, and the fresh air. Peggy doesn't feel like moving, and I join her inside, preferring to be with her. We are very pleased with our house; everything looks beautiful. We feel no need to talk, but just sit and enjoy. We feel enormously grateful for such a marvelous experience. 2:00. We listen to Iren's records. We are both captivated by the beauty of her playing, and feel spirit animating the music. We find we are unusually aware to imperfections in the recording, such as scratches, background noise, ect. I find I am overly sensitive because of my identification with her, and want everything to be perfect. (The next morning the record sounded normal, and the scratches were put on by us.) 2:45. We walk outside. It is beautiful out, and everything is full of energy. The clouds are striking, I am a little disappointed, because I do not feel the marvelous flow of energy that I felt with the group previously, and attribute it to Peggy not putting out much energy. We sat on a rock, and I release to experience in the sky. I realize that any problems I feel is my own, and search for resolution.

-2-

399

I immediately begin to feel much better, and the experience develops gloriously. The sky is remarkably beautiful, and full of cosmic energy. I am enthralled watching it, just letting the experience develop. We move to comfortable chairs on the deck, and continue to watch the amazing sky. It cools off and we move inside. We sit on the sofa and look out the window, enthralled. For about 2 hours, I have the most intense experience I have ever had, releasing completely to the experience and letting it develop. As the experience develops, a glow develops in my inner being, and grows stronger and stronger until I am flooded with euphoria. I am left feeling practically ecstatic. Peggy enjoys the wonders of the experience also, although she does not have the imagery she usually has with LSD, Some of the highlights I experienced are as follows; There is no substitute for the release and satisfaction that comes upon your willingness to face your own self and take full responsibility for yourself. When the sun went behind the mountain, the light reflected on the clouds above. I watched this, and it grew in intensity and became incredibly beautiful. I realized that I was looking at the Holy City, the New Jerusalem, and that this city rested in the heart of every man. After a wave of beauty, I would sometimes feel some tension, or anger return. I found that this was failure to appreciate, and as soon as I began to appreciate what has happened, everything lighted up and became beautiful again. I experienced that these chemicals release a mighty power into the world, and this power is not necessarily benevolent. It is up to us to see that it is. I saw huge armies struggling, contending with force and violence; they had lost sight of the source from which the energy comes, and were therefore corrupted. I saw that this mighty force must always be tempered with the feminine principal; it is the female with her tenderness, her love, and her sustenance that softens the force and directs it fruitfully, creatively, an lovingly. I wished to see this feminine principle more clearly, and the whole sky lighted up with her beauty, so intense I had to cry. 5:00 We have some soup. Peggy and I are both shaky on our feet, but feel marvelous. We have gone for a walk, which was very satisfying. The soup tastes magnificent. I eat very slowly, savoring the substance in my mouth, aware of all my body movements, feeling the hunger and the satisfying knowledge it is being met. I take a long time to eat, enjoying every second immensely. A little bit is very filling. We spend some more time listening to music, take another walk, and retire early, about 8:15. we feel tired, but very contended and very loving. It is marvelous to lie together and be with each other. We both feel absolutely marvelous the next day, and very grateful for the experience.

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH CILOCYBEN Date: September 28, 1980 Subjects: Peggy and Fred Dosage: 10 m.g. each on empty stomach 9:38 A.M. Start 9:58 We both feel a first alert. 10:02 I feel coming on strongly.

400

10:20 We are both deeply into it, Peggy feels strange body sensations. While my perception is rapidly enhancing, I feel my old customary inner discomfort growing, as in days of old. The chemical hits very strongly, much more strongly than I would have imagined. We sit on the north patio in the shade, where we can watch the mountains. At first I want to maintain an outer experience, and look at the marvelous beauty of the mountains. I soon give up, stretch out and close my eyes, feeling compelled to dive into the heart of the discomfort I am feeling. 10:40 In the shade it's too cold, in the sun it's too hot. We go inside. I am struck by the glowing colors in a silk tapestry hanging on the wall. Color enhancement is marvelous. However, getting up is quite an effort. It is very strange to walk, although my body feels light and airy. After going to the john, we go and sit in the living room. Peggy is amazed at the imagery, colors and patterns flowing before her. Can't believe her mind is creating it; she can see how artists, movie people would want to see such colors and patterns. I continue to grow more and more uncomfortable too. Soon her body feels terrible; she has nausea, feels she has abused her body terribly with too much food. Thought of food makes her ill. I am having a lot of visual enhancement also, but feel too badly to enjoy it. With eyes closed, I see all kinds of moving, colored plastic forms and tubes, with beautiful flowing viscous plastic fluids. They are quite beautiful, but I feel the plastic imagery is negatively symbolic. However, it feels good to lie down and experience that I am doing everything wrong. I feel that I should be much more involved with people. 12:00 I look outside; everything outside is beautiful. I think we should have a change of pace, get outside, maybe under the cottonwood trees. Peggy feels too badly, is too weak to move. After coming back inside I too am hit by another wave of inertness, no longer care to try and move. I put on Mahler's 1st symphony, and we lie down next to each other on the floor. I close my eyes, and decide to give my total attention to God. It is difficult, as there is so much going on. But with effort, I gather up all the parts of my being and present them to God. There is a wonderful feeling of response and release. I feel compelled to say out loud, "God wants my total attention." From here on, the experience turned entirely around for me, and moved from below the line to above the line. It was beautiful, fulfilling, and revealing. Here are some of the Highlights: By giving God my total attention, He came and joined me. The feeling was ecstatic. The pain that I had been feeling is the pain of God's loneliness for man, who has turned away from Him. But God has given man free will, a most precious gift which he will not violate. Consequently He suffers the loneliness until man turns to Him of his own free will. I could see that most of man's difficulties stems from out desire to impose on others free will. We want others to love us,

-2-

401

yet such love is nothing compared to what we receive when the other offers it freely. I experienced this when Peggy got up for a while and sat in a chair. I felt a sense of desertion, of loneliness. I wanted her to come back, then I realized she must be free. There was a marvelous feeling of freedom that resulted. There was the pain of loneliness, but no so bad as to offset the marvelous feeling of allowing the other person to be free. I could see that I had set up all kinds of conditions for demanding acceptance, and that this was interfering with the free flow of love. Then when Peggy did return to my side of her own free will, the feeling was absolutely marvelous. Then I had a most marvelous experience of my asking for God's love, my partner asking for God's love, and His reaching down and touching us to seal our love. The result is a new life. Then I realized that I didn't want any more babies; I had had a vasectomy. I saw that this and abortion was the ultimate insult to God: the crowning result of man and woman's love is a new baby, to pour your love into, a new form of God. By denying the baby, we deny God. Suddenly abortion and my vasectomy seemed like a heinous crime. I realized in my case it was an act of extreme hatred for people. I tried to feel the depth of this hatred; also the depth of love for people that would welcome every new life into the world. I didn't feel that I could get to the bottom of either, although I felt them both strongly. But I saw the whole thing as a failure to trust God. My vasectomy was the ultimate symbol of taking the reins into my own hands, defying God and defying life. I thought, suppose there were other souls who wanted to enter the earth place with me as their father. I thought the concept was ridiculous: who would want me as a father? I felt my deep feeling of the utter botch I had done with Uma and Quinn, and consequently wanted no more. Then Uma and Quinn both came into view, both happy and smiling, and loving having me for a father. Why wouldn't I let others have the same privilege? I could see that there was much more to me than my own views of the subject. This was a very moving experience. The powerful finale of the symphony ended with God saying to me, "Trust Me, trust Me." When the music ended on this note, I was totally absolved of all negative feeling, deeply moved, and almost unable to do anything. After a bit I related the whole experience to Peggy, and this felt even better. There were still some profound questions left about my guilt concerning vasectomy; however, I had a sense of completion of the internal work for the day, and that I should move outside and integrate. The drug effects were totally gone; I could have gone about any normal chore. However, it felt good to simply walk and look. Although there was no longer and visual enhancement, I felt very much at peace, and my body felt absolutely marvelous--very cleansed, light, quite different from the languid feeling that often follows other chemicals. 3:00 Peggy was still quite uncomfortable; this was her worst experience. We sat under the cottonwoods, and I encouraged her to talk. She was having a lot of problems at her job. We talked about these a while, and she felt better. I found talking easy, enjoyable, insightful, and very detached, wanting only to be of help without interfering. I was very conscious of allowing her to be free. 4:00 We sat on the deck a while, in the shade. It was the hottest day we've had in some time; no breeze. I thought I would feel better doing something, so I got up, started some watering, picked up trash. It felt good to be active. 5:00 We had eaten nothing all day. Food was marvelous. I walked around a bit enjoying the twilight hours. That evening we read, listening to music. I kept feeling better and better, and Peggy though still rocky, felt better. We retired early for a delicious rest.

402
9/16 Psilocybin - 10 mg - empty stomach Approximately 40 minutes after the start, there was a flutter and a very high, stimulated feeling, and gradually things began to move very rapidly. It was astounding. When I closed my eyes I saw so many fantastically beautiful patterns, textures, colors. Everywhere I looked, eyes open, the colors were brilliant. The house looked absolutely gorgeous and nature was simply spectacular. I know that Fred was having some negative happenings, and I continued to experience the imagery when I closed my eyes. It was a little frightening, almost too exciting, after the gentleness of other substances. I could not believe that I was doing it, and that I had the power within myself to see such beauty. I don't know how long this went on, but the motion was so rapid that I felt a sort of motion sickness. Then I became quite nauseated and remained nauseated the rest of the day, until things quieted down in the evening, and then I felt absolutely wonderful. This substance has had adverse reactions in my body before, but this was pretty bad. I really got in touch with my body, and just know that this is a message to ease up on all the high calorie food and drink in my diet. I need to lose 10 lbs. But somehow, food is such fun at this stage in my life. As a child I never enjoyed food, so am making up for it now, it seems. A few job pressures had me bothered. Working in the community affords a wide look at Lone Pine. Heretofore, I was just "passing through" but now I've stopped to look. Many problems exist here and the most serious seems to be lack of funds. Chamber of Commerce is just about broke so it is depressing. I became emotionally involved for a while, and the fact that the gal who left to go to Ridgecrest (better job, more pay) had spent four years of blood sweat and tears to get things done, got to me. She was bitter about leaving after a long uphill struggle to get things done in the town. Her bitterness rubbed off on me and was beginning to get me down. My hide isn't a tough as I thought Fred and I went down under the cottonwood trees and talked about it, and after a few minutes, he claimed I looked much better. It was better after a sounding board and father-advisor like We came back into the house, listened to Mahler and I began to find the peace that I had wanted earlier. Soup and crackers helped the emptiness and the nausea was gone. We wondered if we shouldn't have had breakfast before the experience. Peggy -

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA Date: October 24, 1980 Participants: Peggy and Fred Dosage: 120 M.g. each Place: Lone Pine Ranch 8:42 A.M. Start on empty stomach 8:50: We are both aware something is starting to happen. I feel a heaviness in my stomach which grows as the effects come on. Not too unpleasant, but draggy, preventing the soaring feeling. My mouth gets very dry, in spite of drinking lots of water

403

9:15 Effects are coming on strong. We sit outside on the deck in the sun. The load in my stomach slowly dissolves away, and the energy and beauty come on. Peggy feels very tired and languid, and tremendously enjoys being relaxed. We both are aware of how much we needed this experience. 9:40 My dragginess is disappearing, and I am very much enjoying the experience, though not with the elevated euphoria of the past couple of experiences. We do very much feel the intoxication, but I enjoy getting up and walking around the bushes. I feel a strong sense of Presence, and everything lights up around me as I walk around looking for things. 10:10 We each take 40 m.g. supplement. Experience continues to be very beautiful. We are content to sit quietly on the deck. Peggy is extremely relaxed, doesn't feel like talking, but very much enjoys the peace. I am content to sit quietly, drink in the beauty, and reflect on things. This experience was the most reflective I have had with this substance, more like LSD, but not with the same drama and freedom; very pleasant. 11:52 Have both been feeling some jaw clenching, but subsides as supplement takes full effect. Enjoyed walk through orchard, down to pond, and come back to quiet time on deck. Feel like aliveness of everything around when walking around. For the next hour or two, practice meditation techniques. First I focus on a distant tree, still the mind, and simply watch the tree. Later I closed my eyes and said a mantra. Both experiences were similar, in that an inner strength built up. But at the same time, powerful tensions developed in my head and neck. I couldn't tell whether I was trying to relive some previous traumatic experience, or just confronting my resistances. In both cases, continuing the meditation relieved the charge of tension and left me feeling more cleansed within as well as igniting some kind of central furnace which gave me an inner feeling of power, peace, and well-being. The eyes closed experience with the mantra was more freeing. After about 1-1/2 hours of this, I felt it was time to get up relate to things around me. Peggy still did not feel like moving, so I did some gardening chores around the house, enjoying being active and outdoors. It seems important to be outside, as it is not only beautiful but energy seems to come to you from all around. 4:00 p.m. I take my daily run, feeling it important to throw off lethargy. I am sluggish at first, but then find much strength for a comfortable run. The stiffness

-2that has been accumulating in my legs for the last week or so is gone.

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5:00 We have a pleasant meal of chicken soup and dumplings that just hits the spot. We have had more than usual stomach grumblings during the day, but still feel much energy from the experience. We have a pleasant evening retiring listening to much and retire early. Although we have had little conversation, we feel very much tuned to each other. AFTERMATH. This experience was most beneficial for both of us, and for me perhaps the most yet. The rejuvenation aspects are remarkable: the disappearance of muscle stiffness, the improved clarity of thinking and well-being. I felt a superior inner strength which is still present. I feel the time spent meditating was quite worth while. There are a couple of days of draggy effects for me which I attribute to the metabolites of the chemical (or else the residue of the load I was carrying), but after this wears off there is a great feeling of well-being and renewed energy.

EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA-LSD Date: November 8, 1980 Subjects: Vanessa and Ivan Brandt, Uma Frazier, Peggy and Fred

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Background: The above group has shared 3 MDMA experiences (Jacob Frazier included in the first 2), and they have progressed very well, each being better than the previous. Vanessa expressed the wish to try LSD again. Her first experience, many years ago, had been a very unpleasant one. Although Vanessa has progressed well with the new material, I had some reservations that she was running sufficiently clear to be completely free of the prospect of some unpleasantness with LSD, and therefore recommended starting with MDMA, to be followed with a moderate dose of LSD, 50 mcg. Peggy elated to stick with the MDMA. Place: Our house in Lone Pine 9:32 A.M. Start. Vanessa takes 100 m.g. MDMA, all others 120 m.g. Peggy and Uma on empty stomach, others with light breakfast at 7:00 A.M. 10:03 Ivan and I are beginning to feel effect. though not too strongly. feels good, rapid heart beat, not intoxicated. Vanessa feels strongly, rocking as aboard ship. 10:30 Everyone is intoxicated. Everyone is animated, feeling very euphoric, looking young and soft. Have excellent, open conversation, we all feel and are grateful for a strong family bond. Aware of the energy, brightness, beauty all around. 11:00 Take supplement: Peggy 40 m.g. MDMA, all others 50 mcg. LSD. dissolved in water. 11:10 The LSD can be felt taking effect, releasing more energy (so soon?) 11:18 Everyone feels flat. 11:25 Another wave of energy comes up. 11:35 Uma reports jaw clenching, Peggy reports jaw clenching, eye darting, cotton mouth. Ivan feels great love, joy, appreciation. 11:50 Ivan finds that he can read fine print without glasses that otherwise would require glasses. 12:00 The experience develops beautifully over the next few hours. Everyone feels great love, peace, appreciation, mutual closeness. Conversation is free, very supportive. Everyone sees much beauty; Peggy looks particularly beautiful to me, in a very moving way. We take short looks outside, where everything is magnificent. The weather is perfect. We don't stay outside long, as Vanessa prefers to stay in, and we wish to maintain the closeness. Strangely enough, a coyote appears outside, which hasn't happened since the experiment on August 12. 2:00 p.m. Vanessa is sitting between Ivan and I on the couch. We close our eyes and go inside. Vanessa is astounded to see a flow of imagery. She gives us a running report, feeling she is back in time several centuries. Her imagery is clear and full of color. She seems many, many faces of all kinds. She sees young girls mature and grow old, armies lined up for battle, and many evil faces full of hate and greed, striving for self interest. This is particularly true of many figures she sees in the Catholic church. But through it all in all ages she sees great art work which is the really great work in all periods. She feels herself above it all, an observer not a participant. She feels very secure in her position, and feels

-2that everything is all right with her. She feels very good about herself, and knows she has the strength to handle future eventualities, even though they may be tragic. She does not want to see the evil faces any more, so she come out of her withdrawal. 3:00 p.m. We all continue feeling remarkably well, and most grateful for the experience. Ivan feels full of energy. After a while we listen to music, which is very beautiful. We walk around outside, which is also very beautiful. 5:00 We have supper. Everything tastes superbly, but no one can eat very much. No one has had as freeing an experience as Vanessa but all feel it was most worthwhile. Vanessa is particularly pleased and grateful for the experience, and feel she gained a great deal of understanding about her own nature.

MDA 9/27/80 TS The river flows. with such certainty a quiet force that doesn't deny depth of clarity. As in waking dreams seem less real so this river will seem less clear in darkness is it simple is it illusion. In the first experience there is the mild sense of a depth-less thought. Anxiety that in thinking a singular thought there is no real boundaries, no real ground rules. But this denies the self, it is a meditative material. It places burden on the censors in all of us, it requires them to respect our feelingsand impulses. It requires us to be real without recrimination The basic therapy it will provide is one of de-stressing ultimate conflict. There are never narrow paths, unlike life which seemingly is criss-crossed, it provides a door, through which as one steps, a unique perspective of the human intellect and an uncensored vision of our desire to learn the workings of the self.

406

9/28/80 Awakened 5:30AM with nausea and Bowel Pressure, dosed off & on until 8:30 during that time at about +1-aware of increased heart rate still some eye jump. 1:00 all seems within normal bounds.

[Editor's Note: Page 407 has been merged with this page]

experiment 8/20/77 MW See entry p.241 notes discovered 12/29/80 Sat. 8/20 Compared with 1st session: Less color - still contrasts (esp greens) but yellow (golds) not so noticeable. Depth perception improved as first time.

408

Written Mon 8/22

Relaxed, but demotivated - just couldn't be bothered with anything. "Ear popping" again but not as noticeable or bothersome. Did some yoga (liked it) - outside, felt I could fly, but not as successfully as [with] M. subjective time slowed down talked a lotdidn't feel brilliant or analytical. Very relaxed, no sense of tension or anxiety. neck turned easily. On Sunday - not as tired as prev. 2nd day - nor did I have sensation of being so relaxed; however, a good sensation of lack of tension, sense of being able to make good decisions (decided on bed + continued to feel good about est decision) normally would have misgivings on both projects. Monday tho'. woke up feeling paranoid (strange dream Sun. nite maybe Mon. morn. regarding losing my job - woke up feeling sad + abandoned). All day Monday felt more tense than usual (or is this the way I usually feel?) still have sense of anxiety + sadness, as I write this my old feeling of insecurity re-kindled. Woke up from dream previously mentioned feeling anxious about ability to w/stand the est experience of not being able to urinate - feeling I can't do it. Feeling can't afford money for est or the new bed. Counting things I can give up to help off-set these expenditures. Monday feels the way I expected Sunday to feel + didn't. I realize I always feel this way - ex: the Hawaii trip. Once I made a decision to do things I want to do - I immediately have a desire to back out - even once I've done it - I wish I hadn't or want to get out of it usually this anxiety is related to the cost of whatever it is I want. Even going out for an evening I know I will enjoy - I feel anxiety ridden + wish I were home - to be sure everything is OK there. I am too attached too money + possessions. I am blinded by the illusion that this reality I perceive is Real. But back to Saturday - enjoyed experience more with grasses than 1st time but wouldn't want to be in large crowd. Monday tho' I feel less patient with everyone than on Sat. + Sun. Besides being anxious + a bit depressed, I am irritable. Another interesting joint about the dream - I remembered it when I awoke + felt the dream awakened me. Usually, I do not remember I had been dreaming many times feel I hadn't dreamed at all. Also import. re Saturday no nausea - walked around more inside + out - Dizzy like a little too much alcohol.

409
meta-escaline ME

+ + +.5

10mg 1/12/81 ATS 5mg @ 10:50=[0:00]. alert [:20]? alert [:25] - nothing too believable [1:00] + 5mg. nothing more. ? 15mg 1/13/81 ATS 10:00AM=[0:00] - trace [1:30]? - no - no effect. 30mg 1/15/81 ATS 9:15AM=[0:00] n.e. 60mg 1/16/81 ATS 10:41AM=[0:00] alert () [0:50] [with] vit - talking? maybe + from [1:00] to [2:00] - trace still [2:30]?. tentative +. maybe not. 100mg 1/21/81 ATS 10:30AM=[0:00] [0:45] aware [1:00] or so [1:30] to + with no character apparent - by [3:00] or so, certainly out. 130mg 1/28/81 ATS 9:45AM=[0:00] [0:45] real alert [1:00] real +, no argument to [2:30] very vocal - sl.manic at med school, at + or +.5, imagination on everyone's problems, cyclohexane etc.; [3:00] to lunch, which tempers a bit. no anorexia - [5:00] no sign of anything anymore. little P.M. wine effect. 200mg 1/31/81 ATS, AP. 1:00PM=[0:00] alerts AP [:20] ATS [:30] nice development [:45] through [1:30] ATS to ++, AP slightly above. no body disturbance - intensely erotic - modest fantasy to music (benign, dreamlike, no imagery - plateau to [3-4:00] - graceful drop [7:00] pretty much out. Appetite normal. Slight gas. Not too thermotropic. A graceful cpd. Incipient stomach cramps (AP) alleviated by poached eggs. Restful. Peaceful. ++ (ej - capable & org.)

++

++(.5) 275mg 2/7/81 ATS AP 4:51PM=[0:00]. vile taste. awareness ATS [0:40] AP [:35] to a + [1:15] [2:00] ++ ATS ~ +++ AP - art interpretation - minor music fantasy - little visual but extremely benign - comfortable. Minor hyperflexia - no veg. problems. [5:00] to bed - erotic promotes to ~++.5 [7:00] ej! [8] light eating - still +. [8:00] attempt sleep (light wine, cheese) - no complications - good sleep - good dreams. 7 hour sleep -> refreshed, active, perhaps a bit manic. +++ 400mg (300+100) 7/3/82 ATS, AP 1:36PM=[0:00] alerts, both ~[:35] quiet development to ~++ at [2:] no body this time. Stuck [2:10] +100mg - still foul taste. [2:45] aware of supplement [3:15] anger. [4] music doesn't do it, art for me OK, AP excellent [4-6] excellent er. [7] dropping [11] Ann to 1.6 +, me + sleep at [13] overall, benign +++, little visual, quite interpretative, AP good notes. AM no residue, no price to pay. Good +++

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA Date: December 22, 1980 Subjects: John and Louisa Aiken, Uma and Jacob Frazier, Peggy and Fred Place: Aikens home in Socorro, New Mexico.

410

Background: The Aikens, both of whom are osteopathic physicians, 78 years old, were among the pioneers of psychedelic research, having devoted a number of years attempting to establish the Church Of Enlightenment with peyote as the sacrament. In the last two years, they have been quite devoted to involvement in the Bartholomew phenomena, helping people to come in contact with Bartholomew and making available cassette recordings of meeting with Bartholomew. I suggested the experiment so that the Aikens would be knowledgeable of some of the new developments in the field, and also in hopes that John would receive some personal benefit. 9:31 A.M. Start. All take 120 m.g. of empty stomach. 9:41 I feel some exhilaration. 9:48 Peggy feels first alert, a "Neil Tusa" shudder. Several feel cold; the heat is turned up. 10:02 Louisa is just beginning to feel. Can't describe her feelings. 10:06 John feels a kind of fullness in he head. It feels like some mushrooms he tried sometime back, which was a negative experience. He feels this heart pulsating. Later we find out that both John and Louisa were having uncomfortable feelings, which they didn't mention at the time. I am feeling quite euphoric. Peggy, Uma, and Jacob all brighten up, with the usual softening of skin, dropping of the years. Louisa is very quiet, looks quite relaxed, and the wrinkles disappear from her face. John however, has the pallor of death, is quite grey, uncomfortable. Peggy is usually beautiful. 10:25 Uma has felt surprising little before now, is just starting to feel. 11:10 Supplement time, Both John and Louisa refuse, the rest of us take 40 m.g. with their approval. Louisa lies on floor, very relaxed and quiet (she says this is typical). The color begins to return to John's face. He becomes more animated. He recognizes the openness in the rest of us, also Jacob's high sense of responsibility. He has an excellent talk with Jacob warning him not to get too involved with patients and feel personally responsible for unfortunate outcomes that can't be helped. This was very difficult to him to learn as a doctor. We all have an excellent discussion, good communication, John imparts many high level principles very insightfully which are very helpful, especially to John is very fond of Uma and Jacob exhibits much affection. 1:30 p.m. Louisa has been lying on the floor, begins to share. As the effects first developed she felt prickly, nauseous, and uncomfortable. Asks herself, "Why do this?" She feels better now. She claims that despite her quiet, she was very alert and heard all the conversation. There is good rapport among all of us. Both John and Louisa look much younger, especially Louisa. After a while we listen to a Bartholomew tape, which we all find interesting. The day continues with good rapport and good feeling. Near evening, Uma and Jacob are tired and go to the motel to rest. Peggy and I hear another tape with the Aikens. Later Uma and Jacob return and we have a very nice snack with soup, homemade bread, and other goodies. We all rest well, and I awake with a great euphoria, feeling the great essential goodness of the Aikens. They do not report any noticeable benefits, and see no use for the chemicals, being completely satisfied with their involvement with Bartholomew.

411
3-TM from 355

++ 100mg 1/18/81 1PM=[0:00] ATS, AP 100mg; TS, NT, CT, MP, AG 80mg, TG, CT 60mg alerts all [0:30] MP on quickly, ATS, AG slowly. - 1st phase - up to ~[3:00]. TS - play [with] guards (defenses) AP to ~ +++, CT irritable, generally ATS, AG, TG quite light me ++, Aaron, Tina <++, me ME at [-48] AG, TG MDMA at [24hrs]. 2nd phase. More cohesion, AP, AB [with] music, MP +++ [with] music. Gentle descent [5:00 to 9:00]. Complex but generally friendly material. MP, TS, AP most positively impressed, AG, ATS a bit disappointed - extensive postmortem discussion. Rather good appetite. Wine [with] no effect. (Remember, dial game, [2:00]).

412
MDE from 274

++.5 160mg+60mg 1/24/81 AP, NT, CT, AG, TG, PB, FB, MP. all 12M=[0:00]- Atherton. [0:30] MP alert [0:40] the others - all to a collective ++ to +++ by [1:00-1:15] teeth clench modest to considerable - but not disturbing - several [with] eye nystagmus - mine - two bursts - short - not bothersome. Supplement [1:50] - 60mg all. [2:20] supplement noticed - early conversation gave away to extreme sedation - all flaked out in quite warm living room. eyes-closed peaceful - very little introspection - minor imagery - simply de-stressed comfort. Excellently accepted by all. [6:00] - soup and salad - extreme anorexia (except AP - tolerance to this aspect due to meth? [7:30] all to ~+ - departure - no driving problems. Easy sleep. AM - Several languid, ATS active, NT residual anorexia. ATS ++.5 ++ 150mg+50mg 4/5/81 AP, ATS, AG, TG, NT, CT, AB, TS; 12:33=[0:00] At farm - warm outside day. NT, AB, TG rapid onset from [0:25] v.noisy, lightheaded. ATS, AP, AG slower, quieter. TS some nausea (too much lonely drinking last night). [1:50]-[2:10] 50mg supplement, all. increased teeth grit, some scattered eyetwitch. Both NT & TG [with] leg twitching. Try AG comments - to re extend [with] MDMA. [3:30] all (save TS) [with] 120mg MDMA. AG does not see it - the rest extends further [with] minor physical. ATS, AP both [with] fleeting, illogical fantasy. not profound, nor commanding. Down to a 1 1/2+ maybe at [6:00]. Overall, extremely compatible, no corners, most pleasant day. Intense anorexia. LSD chase. p376 Urine samples collected (all ) until MDMA switch. 150mg 5/21/81 AP, ATS, GC 1:35PM=[0:00] [0:25] alert, quiet development to [1:00] - much teeth clench, eye dart (ATS) leg & back muscle (GC) here to >[2:00] ++.5 - at [4:00] back to or +; some talk, but not as open nor as well accepted as 120 MDMA. ATS wine collection 2, 4, 6, 12, 18, 24, 36 chase [with] LSD at 6:30 - while still aware.

EXPERIMENT WITH MDE Date: Place: January 24, 1981 Gates residence in Atherton

413

Subjects: Tina and Aaron Gates, Clare and Neil Tusa, Peggy and Fred Brandt, Ann Perry (Shulgin), Mel Parameter, Sasha Shulgin Peggy and I ingested 160 m.g. at approximately noon. The experiment developed nicely, although I felt a weight dragging for about an hour. It then began to dissolve, and I became quite euphoric. By supplement time, 60 m.g. at 1:45 p.m., the weight was gone, and with the supplement the experience became quite smooth and most enjoyable. I found it an extremely rewarding experience, very smooth and more powerful than MDMA. However, I don't know how much the experience of increased effect is due to the chemical and how much to the presence of such an excellent group. The experience was delightful, permitting ready exchange with the others, great appreciation of outdoor beauty, and very little in the way of side effects. Although at the height I felt quite intoxicated, I felt little impairment of the ability to move around and do things, though for a while it felt very good to just be in one place and enjoy. Conversation was very open, and in the evening Aaron and I had a very good discussion which I felt brought us very close and in excellent harmony. All of the people looked absolutely marvelous, and it was wonderful to be with them. MDE produces the same anorexia as MDMA; the evening meal was delicious but only a little was required to feel full. Overall, this was a wonderful experience, and MDE is a wonderful material. I felt the effect was stronger, smoother than MDMA, but feel the group enhancement may be partly responsible. I felt definitely less physiological side-effects than with MDMA, particularly the urinating problem. Although I felt some dehydration, it did not seem as severe as with MDMA, and urinating was much easier and without the burning effect I experience with MDMA. Based on these results, MDE would appear to be an excellent substitute for MDMA. Peggy felt hard hit by the material, to the extent that she had difficulty in verbalizing and following other people's thoughts. She had entered the experience with some cold symptoms. Her sore throat disappeared; she felt quite intoxicated and tranquilized.

EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA Date: January 14, 1981 Peggy and Fred

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Subjects: Place:

Lone Pine

The experiment started at 9:27 A.M., each ingesting 120 m.g. of MDMA on an empty stomach. The experience starts off nicely, and by a few minutes after 10 A.M., we are both quite intoxicated and euphoric. It is very pleasant being outside on the deck, but we come chilly and go inside to light a fire. Here is a great difference between the cold parts of the house and the living room with the stove, as cold is much more noticeable than usual. We each take 40 m.g. supplement at 10:55. I feel the effect in about 12 minutes, and it smooths things out nicely. We are both in a very peaceful state, very much enjoying the experience. We do not say much, as we feel that we have been in good communication and very little needs discussing. We prefer to quietly enjoy, and drink in the beauty around. I find it a nice meditative experience with overall realizations rather than analytical thinking. It is very rewarding. At 11:40, I notice some eye darting, which is unusual for me, and some jaw clenching. Both quickly pass. At 12:30, we are both still very much in the experience. It feels good moving to music. It is easy to do tasks like feeding the dogs. I feel a great flow of energy, yet no physiological impairment. The afternoon is most enjoyable and pleasurable. We quietly talk, walk around and look at things. We both feel much more energy than before, as opposed to the languidness that usually comes on as the experience tapers off. Peggy busies herself with correspondence and preparations for our trip starting 2 days later. I go to the typewriter and work on correspondence. It feels good to do things. The day ended nicely. It was a beautiful experience and left us more energized and active than previous MDMA experiences. This held for the next couple of days, and may have been aided by the pressures of needing to get a lot accomplished before we left. The usual anorexia was experienced, with just a little bit of soup and bread being a quite adequate and tasty meal. We both felt less physiological side effects than in the past. Peggy reports less jaw clenching, less neck tension. I still feel very much dehydrated with the usual difficulty in urinating for 24 hours, in spite of keeping up a very high intake of liquids.

EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA Date: Place: February 1st, 1981 Home of Vanessa and Ivan Brandt, Los Angeles. Vanessa and Ivan, Uma, Peggy and Fred

415

Subjects:

Background: Vanessa had been interested in having an experience New Years' Day, but it didn't work out for all of us. We promised to get together the next time we were in Los Angeles. Peggy, as a result of some talks with Tina wondered if a lighter dose might overcome the problem of lack of talkativeness and lethargy she usually experiences with MDMA. 12:55 p.m. Start. Peggy takes 80 m.g., Vanessa 100 m.g., the rest of us 120 m.g. Vanessa begins to feel in about 12 minutes, followed shortly by Ivan. In 25 minutes, Peggy and I are feeling it strongly, all with a nice euphoria. By 30 minutes, is feeling great, and Uma is quite intoxicated. Peggy's intoxication grows, and she is more verbal than she usually is. By 1 hour, she reports being quite intoxicated. Everyone is responding well and feeling marvelous, and look marvelous, except for Vanessa. Her face looks pained; she appears to be having somewhat of a struggle. She reports that her mind has a kind of blankness, she cannot think clearly. Her thoughts flow away before she can express them. As we approach supplement time, Vanessa breaks through and begins to look clear and extremely beautiful; everyone looks beautiful, with the usual skin softness, dropping of years. Ivan is the most vital I have ever seen him, bursting with energy and vitality. He feels absolutely marvelous. At 2:35 p.m., we all take 40 m.g. supplement except Vanessa. She is still deep in the experience and prefers to wait a while, hoping to get better control of her thoughts. The others have noticed a dropping off. Vanessa takes 40 m.g. supplement at 3:32. About 1/2 hour after the supplement, Peggy thinks the effect is stronger than before the supplement. We all get into a marvelous space, with much closeness, much discussion. Everyone feels a great love flowing, and we all observe how the experiences bring us closer and closer, and our understanding of each other has grown. Everyone is very grateful for the experience. While it is beautiful outside, and there is a perfectly beautiful back yard, no one goes outside to look, as there is a great reluctance to leave the circle. We are even reluctant to go to the john for fear of missing something. We are very content to sit in a close circle all afternoon and talk intimately. Vanessa gets better control of her thoughts, and talks quite a bit. Peggy also responds readily, but begins to feel that she was not as deep in the experience as with a heavier dose. She feels 100 m.g. would be better. By 5 p.m., she feels coming out of it. The rest of us begin to slow down, but feel wonderful being together. We have a delicious soup around 7:30 p.m., with the usual anorexic effect. We then begin to feel tired, and leave around 9 p.m. for early retirement. Everyone feels it was a blessed day. Vanessa feels she has made a lot of progress with these experiences, and expressed her gratitude. Peggy and I have a beautiful drive home the next day, but I feel more physiological aftermath than with the MDE.

416
MIPT MIPT ex 191 ML ?5mg orally.

+ +

2mg 2/11/81 9:00AM=[0:00] - alert 0:30 or so - to [1:00-3:00] then nothing. not completely sure the alert was valid. Down here as . 3mg 2/18/81 9:00AM=[0:00] alert [0:45] approx. to [1:00-2:00] - there after lost. Possibly false positive. 5mg 2/23/81 11:08AM=[0:00] [0:40] alert; [1:10] to a +? some muscle of jaw tightness, temporal stretch. [1:40] stable, dropping? [3:00] out. + at most. 7mg 2/25/81 9:15AM=[0:00] [0:20] alert [0:45] to + [1:15] drive from SFGH to SF med, real + no character but undeniable. [3:15] still +, quite hyper [5:00] substantially out. honest + or +.5. This will be interesting.
letter

10mg 6/18/81 12:20PM=[0:00] ATS [0:35] start; [0:50] to +, then flat at + [2:00] almost out. [3:00] completely out. Good feeling. Randy.

++ 20mg 3/7/82 9:25PM=[0:00] - AP Solids in dil HCl [:25] AP aware, ATS? [:40] very little development [1:10] pushing ++ , but barely. ATS handwriting poor. [1:30] still barely ++, nice - no visual - [2:30] dropping - attempt sleep N.G. very alert - talk for an hour (sympathetic NS!) (4:00) sleep OK - AM normal. Push to call it ++.

Webb 3/5/81 - hint at 5mg no question active at 10mg 20mg can be handled, and some visuals some visuals at 22mg 30-45min onset-overall, mild 3-4 hrs at 20mg much the same at 25mg 5/13/81

417
5-MeO-DIPT from 218

++

10mg 2/14/81 F. Cavalli's birthday. ATS, AP AP ~[:30] [0:25] developing, >+ [1:00] to ++, to [3:00] reverie, ATS light, AP deep - start appetite - both [with] active dreams. overall AM ATS active, AP sl. lethargic ++.

6:00PM=[0:00] alerts ATS [:18] ej!; to [2:00] [with] reverie dropping [3:20] reasonable graceful, good body feeling; note from Ericn.e @ 5mg smoked see related notes page 191 Webb - on 5MeoDIPT 10mg. Mild nausea effects 2.5 - 3 hrs. letter 3/5/81

++1/2 12mg 3/5/83 ATS, AP 8:30PM=[0:00] AP aware at :10 ATS at :15 [:25] start [:30 to 1:10] some body discomfort - little visual generalized body disease - near nausea - ATS pacing about, AP sitting especially quietly. [1:15] -completely relaxed- explosive erotic -easy talk, exchange of ideas, thoughts dropping at [4] - easy sleep at [6:] - up at [13:] [with] good energy - both. ++1/2

418
isoproscaline from 389

+ (++) 50mg 2/16/81 ATS 1:17PM=[0:00] [:27] alert, focused temporally [:45] start [1:00] quiet + [2:00] effective og. - thoughts totally erotic. [2:30] to lab, still +. [2:45] start physical tremors, pulse ~100, physical ++, mental +. [4:30] slight diarrhea - still aware, mentally clear, body +. [6:00] still trace body awareness. [7:30] body now out. + (++) PM - eat normally.

419
buscaline ex 209. EH letter 5/16/77 n-butyl mescaline - strange go-ings-on at 20 mg

30mg 2/16/81 AP 1:17=[0:00] alert at [:40] to at [1:00] to [4:15] or [5:00] pleasant appetite stim?

50mg 2/20/81 ATS 12:50PM=[0:00] alert? [:35] [1:15] probably [2:00] nothing - response to MDMA @ [3:00] quite normal. 80mg 12/7/82 ATS 10:45AM=[0:00] aware [:45] - at [1:00] - on through afternoon - contact to AP, FB, PB to ~++ [with] JJ. overall [5:00]. 120mg 12/11/82 ATS 10:30AM=[0:00] [1:00] at least a to [3] or + [5] maybe still [8] nothing. (weird, non-lingering taste, not really bitter).

+ (++) 150mg 4/30/83 AP 4:10PM=[0:00] [1:] aware, maybe + [1:15] slight tummy, and (body!) maybe slight arrhythmia [2:30] stuck at +, no more [3:] restless body, slightly loose bowels - not much mental compensation for the physical [5:] very cold at the extremities - overall body ++, mental " 1.2 +". into report as 2 M.U. , but [with] body toxicity.

REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH MDMA Date: February 12th, 1981 Peggy and Fred

420

Subjects: Place:

Lone Pine

Background: Peggy has been feeling well since our trip and the experiments we conducted, and was ready for another MDMA experience. I have not been able to maintain a good state of being since returning home, feeling quite tired, and feeling a lot of unresolved physiological and psychic material from the previous experiences. Running has been very difficult, and last Saturday's hike, while very enjoyable, did not bring me up to me usual good physical trim, and left me tired. I was not looking forward to MDMA, as I felt there were a lot of physiological after-effects I hadn't disposed of, and would have preferred a more potent material. However, after thinking it over, I decided that since I viewed MDMA as an excellent remedy for various kinds of ailments, I had better confirm its reactions on myself, and see whether it would help my current situation, or whether the by-products would add to my discomfort, as I feared. 10:15 A.M. Start with 120 m.g. each on empty stomach. We had started with the intention of carrying on a normal day until directed otherwise. Peggy continued her housework, and I did my back exercises to music. I found this an excellent way to get into the experience; my body felt wonderful and opening up. It kept our minds off any effects. Later reading in the john was also a good experience. I then went to bringing my address book up to date. At 10:55, we were both suddenly hit. Peggy felt a big woosh, and no desire to concentrate. I suddenly lost all interest in the address book. We sat and enjoyed the experience, feeling very exhilarated. Peggy glowed with energy, became very beautiful. Our voices became lyrical. We talked freely and openly. Peggy reported the last experience had stayed with her longer than any previous; it was 10 days before she began to feel edgy again. She looks at the beauty in our room; I enjoy the great beauty outdoors, with the snowcovered mountains, beautiful clouds trailing over the mountains. About 11:15, we put on Iren's record of Debussey's Images, and enjoy very quietly. We both feel marvelous, and are enjoying the experience very much. At 11:50, we both take 40 m.g. supplement. The experience continues most beautifully. I feel very rejuvenated, and am delighted with the decision to have this experience. We go outside, where it is clear and sunny, slightly chilly. I remember Joy in his book advising his conference attendees to find something in nature to be your teacher. Looked at with this intention, every bush and plant looks utterly alive, in its full glory. I am entranced by a large rock. As I look at its surface, I see the surface of a planet, with mountains, valleys, structures. Little crystals of mica are like jewels. I have never had such great visual enhancement with MDMA. I walk around filled with euphoria. Peggy returns to the house, but I walk a ways, feeling the glory of outside. Often with material when I am alone, I feel the pain of loneliness creeping in, and feel drawn to join the others. Here the pain came and passed, and I gloried being with myself in these marvelous surroundings. I re-joined Peggy and we continued our quite enjoyment of the experience. About 2:30, we decided to go for an extensive walk, as we felt energetic. We were gone about 2 hours, exploring some new areas we had never seen, and doing some climbing that resulted in a good workout. This is the first time we have had such extensive exercise while under the influence. It felt marvelous; everything outdoors

-2was very beautiful, our bodies felt marvelous and walking and climbing were effortless. It seemed a very good way to come down, avoiding some of the usual physiological after-effects. I felt very much rejuvenated, more like I feel after LSD, with the cleansing effect. The experience was very good for me.

421

We returned to the house as darkness came on, and lay together listening to music. This made us feel tired. After a while we got something to eat, which we enjoyed as usual, and not eating too much, although I was hungrier than in past experiences. We lay together again on the sofa and fell into a deep sleep. We got up and walked the dogs in the moonlight, and then retired to a glorious sleep. The next day we both felt marvelous, and extremely close. This was our best MDMA experience yet. I went for a hike, and found a very interesting effect. I have often advised people under psychedelics to do something they are trying to perfect, like playing an instrument, paint, etc. The psychedelic seems to clear the nerve paths to allow you to perform more perfectly, and this is remembered. Hubbard used this means for curing stutterers, as they could talk perfectly and "wear in" the new performance. I found that my previous day's experience had this effect on my hiking. By walking around under MDMA, I had "laid in" the most appropriate way of hiking, and I now found myself going smoothly and effortlessly up the mountain! Now two days after, we are both still glowing from the experience, and felt that we have gained enormously from it.

MDOH Aftermath. FB REPORT OF DREAMS

422

This is a report of dreams experienced after an experiment with MDOH, April 28th, 1979. The first night of the experience I slept with a deep, almost numb, dreamless sleep. The next night I had an unusually intense dream, which I partially remember as follows; I was at a party, celebrating an affair like a wedding, most likely a distant relative, taking place somewhere in California. What was outstanding was that I was with a bunch of my cousins from Texas, whom ordinarily I seldom see. But we were celebrating together, and everyone was happy and laughing, and we were having a good time. It seemed a special occasion, as past get-togethers have not been this joyous. I felt so good that I asked them all to dinner the following evening. then I realized that this was unfair to Peggy, because she would have to do a lot of work and didn't have a chance to have any say in the matter. I was feeling good at the prospect of having everyone over, but she was resistant since she hadn't participated in the invitation, and wasn't so sure that it would be worthwhile. The scene shifted to the following evening, and I was traveling to meet the group of cousins (they were all male) for a get-together. I was riding a very small motorcycle, not like one you ever see. It was like a large tricycle, with a powerful motor, and would go very fast. It was very thrilling to ride it, and dipped in and out of some tight places with it, but arrived unscathed. My memory fades as to what happened when I arrived, but I have a very clear memory of the ride being scary but exciting. A lot of the symbolism of the dream escapes me. I work very little with dreams, as I usually get more clear insights from meditation than I can act on, and am not looking for fresh inputs that require more expenditure of time to resolve. However, dreams as vivid as this I usually ponder quite a bit, but I don't feel that I have obtained any new understanding that corresponds to the vividness of the dream. The primary things that I got from the dream are: 1. The good feeling of warmth and closeness with my cousins that marked an improvement in my relationship. this left me with a good overall feeling tone about the dream. 2. The obvious lesson of not taking unilateral action that commits Peggy. 3. The exciting but scary experience of trying new things.

Friday 2-20-81 4:00 8:00 I think that I did feel the "alarm" the same time, if not before, mom did, but I brushed it off as a psychosomatic tingle. It was on my back, a tiny itchy tingle on the upper left part of my back. I noticed that I was starting to feel the ascent of the high about 1-2 minutes before Juan would comment on it. so I'm guessing that my reactions were taking place a minute or so before Juans. Just an assumption. I experienced the same gentle floating feeling, a bit of pressure behind the eyes and my stomach actually at first felt hungrier than before. When we were motivating into the other room, I felt intact with myself, rather I noticed that I didn't feel separated with my body, at all, it was subtle. I did feel a bit floaty though. My eyes were a tad pressured, a bit fuzzy at times, perhaps because I already have slight astigmatism. When Juan said that he was at the peak, so he thought, and you confirmed by comparing with the time, I had just been thinking the same thing. Once again just about 1 minute before he said it. Maybe there is an ESP factor, this type and the future telling as mom mentioned, or maybe that's the same thing. Maybe Juan was reading my mind, not I reading the future. Anyway, I felt off and on like I wanted to do something just to see what it's like under the influence of MDMA, but then I didn't feel like doing anything but cuddling up, that was probably partially due to the temperature of the room because of the

423
Helen Bernard

[Editor's Note: Page 424 has been merged with this page]

kitchen window being open. I can see how this could be used for therapy type stuff because at first I was quiet listening to Juan and mom talking, then I would start talking and Juan would be quiet, mom would quiet down for a minute or so and Sasha might talk a bit, everyone got their turn in a way, and my personal capability of listeningunderstanding-comprehending fully was increased a lot. When I heard Juan tell things that I had heard before, some things I seemed to interpret in a more realistic way, images of real life situations seemed very vivid, like I could relate to what he was saying much more clearly in a more realistic way. More insight I suppose. I could feel the descent. It was slow but noticeable. a bit drained, mellowed out but still energetic at the same time. I would like sometime to do some insight work at rearrangereconstruct some ideas in my head, goals and whatnot. I found the whole experience quite different than anything and quite useful. I loved it. I'll bet that this is Almost to the point of being a sort of "truth -serum". Something to think about. Not only do you probably always (that is the question- can some people lie?) hear the truth but interpret and respond truthfully. One could say that a person who has been lying to him or herself can (probably) openly reveal the lie to him/herself and to others (maybe) with more ease, and, in a sense, put the puzzle pieces of their ideas-goals-doubts-scars-etc together. Very interesting. I would definitely like to try again, and once again thank you.

425

[Editor's Note: Page 426 has been merged with 425]

427

Alert - not unlike first hit off high quality marijuana. 1st level-speedy acceleration. Rush of chemical was very strong. Clammy hands - cold shivers. Something akin to very light LSD rush. A little unnerving. 2nd level - everything mellows. Acceleration completely absent. Definite leveling to tranquil, calm and open minded state. Communication is effortless. Descending. - very light gliding sensation. Very slight fatigue and slight loss of appetite. Seems to taper slowly off then suddenly - you could almost not detect that there had ever been a charge, Overall-extremely useful in Distressing, very pleasant and relaxing. Also - lot's of fun. thanks-love Juan

428
5-MeO MIPT

50g 12:30PM=[0:00] 2/27/81 ATS alert at [:45]?!? [1:00] something ? ? [2:00] horny, good ej. [2:30] nothing. Probably false . 100g 10:15AM=[0:00] 3/2/81 ATS alert at [:45]? [1:00] aware? [1:45] probably nothing [3:15] definitely nothing. 200g 12:40PM=[0:00] 3/5/81 ATS nothing. 400g 1:00PM=[0:00] 3/9/81 ATS nothing.

800g 10:40AM=[0:00] 3/17/81 ATS. possible , probable - 24 hrs post trampotamine this was in the outside, cool garden. Hard to evaluate effects. 1.5mg (later, +0.5mg) 2:00PM 3/19/81 ATS [0:15] off base-line? [0:33] something starts [0:50] real +; [1:25] easily arousable, no music, no fantasy, an easy +; [1:30] some dropping, supplement +0.5mg. 2.0mg. [1:45] still dropping, to . [2:10] still arousable, barely ; [3:00] nothing, Overall + 4.0mg 8:55PM=[0:00] 4/3/81 AP. aware [:20];[:35] to >+ [1:00] honest ++. absolutely no visual, but to [3:00] increasing ease of fantasy (not retinal but introspective, hypnopompic) and easy eroticism - both erectile & ej. mechanisms intact. Good tasting [with] foods at [4:00] but not much appetite - still not baseline (~+) and AP >+. Some wine, easy, normal sleep. Good spirits and energy in AM. ++

++

+++ 6.0mg 9:00PM=[0:00] 5/16/81 AP. Aware [:15] start [:20] (ATS, 2 glasses wine & banana at [-3 to -2] [:30] hint of time slowing - rapid development to [:45] some shakes - indications in handwriting. Extremely erotic - Max plateau ~+++ to ~[2:30] then graceful, depleted drop. To + at [3:00] - easy, restful sleep. Absolutely no visual, or related sensory effects, no fantasy what does one call this stoned state? Very pleasant, music extremely acceptable, tactile extraordinary. Feeling that higher dosages would not contribute any more. Settle on 4-6mg as active dose range. ++ 5mg 6:40PM=[0:00]; AP GC 9/28/81 - alert at [:20], start at [:30], strange at [:40]. Slightly gray, stoned, [with] value or sensory. fairly rapid drop at [2:00] and quite out at [3]. No reward - why bother. Overall ++. 2-CB @ -[48]. TY, Davis x @ 5mg v.stoned, no visual drop at [3]. Early august 1981.

429
DOET from 213

+++ 5.0 ATS 2/28/81 (MP, KM sans MP) AP 5.0, AG 3, TG 2, NT 3.5, NT 2, AB 3. all 12M=[0:00] (at Berkeley). vague alert ~[:30] - then nothing to [1:00]subtle slow climb to + at [2:00] maybe ++ - that because +++ at [2:30] - more comfortable (ATS) than 6mg earlier. [2:40] NT outside (heavy physical). AG's script [4-6] levity - stream of consciousness pours, ATS, AG the jokers, both interlocked at or just below +++, TG full ~ uncoordinated +++, CT light, miffed at not being part of contributors, AB a bit light, revering, directing himself to tiredness AP much insight NT much visual, physical problems. [6:00] dinner taste excellent, most [with] some anorexia. [8:00] ATS, AG drive - suppress ++. [12:00] ATS, AP difficulties [with] sleep, AB outside shadows, energized, Turk M cat dance, NT fireplace action. AM, ATS, CT , NT still + [with] eye motion, CT hard asleep. No apparent deficits. Future, ATS, AP 5, AG AB 4, CT 3, TG, NT 2. +++ +++ 6.0mg 12/28/81 ATS; AP 12:15=[0:00] [:35] vague awareness [1:00] very subtle, one + at most [1:40] to a ++ [2:00] pushing +++ [2:10] full +++ AP to probably sl. <+++. No cognitive impairment, but v.stoned - some time slowing Explosive erotic. [4:45] bladder call - Ann tries writing. Good script - mine bad. [6:00] some eating - still +++ - attempt to say what not too successful - some visual - good body feel - no mental lack of clarity, but still +++! [8:00] noted some descent [9:00] still ++ [11:00] down to + or less [12:00] attempt sleep - some wine - both restless and shallow sleep. [21:00] no apparent deficits - AP maybe a little residue (?) - maybe me too. A very enjoyable +++. +++ 7.0mg 7/31/82 ATS,AP; 4PM=[0:00] to + at [1] (alert? at ~:45). [1:30] to ++ and ascending surely and quietly. Seems to come on in little leaps. at [2:] ~+++ - and this held easily to [8:00]. Excellent erotic, fantasy to music OK, not too much visual, completely stoned - drop v.slowly. at [12] unable to sleep. feel unprotected from eyes-closed wanderings [18] still +. [24] probably out - deficit from no sleep. Good experience, good level.

430
Meta-proscaline MP 4:D-6 3:191 60mg 3/4/81 ATS 30mg 9:00AM=[0:00] - alert? [:45] then nothing- +30mg @[1:00]nothing. 160mg 3/7/81 ATS 100mg 10:00AM=[0:00] n.e. +60mg [1:00] - possible at [3-4] extremely light if anything at all. 240mg 3/23/81 ATS 10:45AM=[0:00] n.e.

431
TRAMPOTAMINE "Trampota" MEPEA to 826. 100-300mg = MDA (or) 120mg 8:55AM=[0:00] 3/11/81 [0:50] something. mood-elevation. ex EP [1:20] to + [3:00] still . [4:30] certainly clear. Unassignable but rather clear +. Very interested in going on. Almost certain +. 240mg 10:00AM=[0:00] 3/14/81 160mg [0:45] slightly off base-line (never an alert) [1:00] something [1:10] never more than [1:30] [2:00] nothing +80mg [2:40] aware again [2:50] to +, [3:30] about + [5:00] out. overall 200mg;+ at most. Go on, comfortably. 11:10AM 3/16/81 AP. AP off baseline [:22] [:50] AP 1.8, ATS quite [1:10] AP to ++, ATS to +. very quiet, pleasant, but light [1:30] AP ATS 1.5+ [2:00] dropping (ATS)[3:00] AP dropping. Both disappointed was no more. On. + 1 1/2 paper of Steck (7249) 4-o-t active 100-300mg 4-o-allyl

+(1.5) 300mg aware 1.8+, there

350mg 6/9/82 11:53AM (ATS) =[0:00] [:30] aware [1:00] windowy [1:30] probably not even . Compromised by MDMA (wein) at -[16:].

432
Transcription from January 18, 1981 Time 1:00 PM Material: 3-TM @ 80 mg

1:30 Color enhancement- unlike MDMA, no problem writing physical words. -No Urge to get up and move, good space to write but no new things. 2:30 Lower level (physically) than MDMA but as it progresses more complex, there are deeper moments. (there is) an interesting shielding effect, not a really good material to do work (therapy) with. Still have desire to write but as yet no new things are coming to surface. I sense many things are going on underneath, but conscious control can mitigate the complexity. 4:00 Music- would like to try this material at 100mg. Now awareness seems much more pointed, I have a need to build a writing table. This material is physically relaxing, insisting repose, but with conflicting energy. Seated in a chair, comforted, unable to find a comfortable position in order to write. 4:40 Pine trees seem a good place to start. Notwithstanding this table of pine, unfinished, unruled, the pulp upon which we reveal the unnerved thoughts. How casual we are at discarding our feelings, a rubble we leave behind for the living. Who among us can absorb the spiritual lead we see as what others carry. This Material is not poetic, I should say, does not enhance poetry, prose is much more comfortable. I think I should let the experience develop further.

433
Page two January 18, 1981

5:30 There is something of a violence (emotional) suppressed in all of us, a socially repressed vision of ourselves in a direct conflict with ones-self. The music has a lot to do with this material. The tenor of this material changes at appx. the four hour level. In the first part there is sublimity, peacefulness, mild intox. A lot more tension present in the post four hour part. Territories seem much present in second halfthe benign shielding present in the first half seems to dissipate: what could be termed a slightly irritated view of oneself, (this is) probably wanting to once again regain the serenity. This (second part reaction) probably precipitates more human interactions. Paradoxically re-providing the shield (toward the self). It is the shield being fought. March 11, 1981; This is a transcription of my experiences during the experiment. Those words in parenthesis were added at this time to hopefully clarify.

[Editor's Note: Page 434 contains an indecipherable note]

A BRIEF NOTE ABOUT MDMA FOR THE MOST PART THE TAPE AND TRANSCRIPT ARE SELF-REVEALING AND IN NEED OF NO FURTHER COMMENTARY. THE STRONGEST BENEFICIAL QUALITIES OF MDMA FOR ME WERE AS FOLLOWS: 1) ENHANCED PRESENCE OF MIND. 2) STIMULATION OF SPEECH WITHOUT LOSS OF ARTICULATION 3) NO STRONG SIDE EFFECTS TO CONFUSE OR DISTRACT COGNITION, LOGIC, OR CONTINUITY OF THOUGHT. AS ON ANY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR, AS WITH ANY OTHER STIMULATING ENCOUNTER, THE SPEAKER MAY SURPRISE HIMSELF WITH HIS OWN SPEECH, WITH THE STRENGTH OR DEPTH OF SOME FEELINGS. I CERTAINLY SURPRISED MYSELF - BUT ALL TO THE GOOD. THE MOST TELLING AND REVELATORY PASSAGE (FOR ME) FALLS ON PAGES 4 AND 5, AND THAT TOOK PLACE EARLY IN THE DAY. ON THE CONTRAST AND COMPARISON BETWEEN KETAMINE AND MDMA, KETAMINE WAS PLEASANT, LYRICAL, INTERIOR, UNIFYING, FLYING, GLIDING, AND SINGING- MDMA WAS DISCURSIVE, MORE LABOR=INTENSIVE THAN KETAMINE, UNIFYING BUT IN A DIFFERENT ASPECT, SITTING AND TALKING, COMMUNICATING AT LENGTH WITH SCOTT AND HADYA EXAMINING WITH A SHARP LUCIDITY MY EMOTIONS, AND ORGANIZING THROUGH MEMORY AND SPEECH MANY THOUGHTS AND PERCEPTIONS: MAKING THEM INTO A PATTERN. THANK YOU SCOTT THANK YOU HADYA

435

TAMARA THEO SAN FRANCISCO CALIFORNIA JANUARY 1981 AD [Editor's Note: Page 436 has been merged with this page]

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DISCUSSION OF DYLAN THOMAS. DESCRIPTION OF HIS BACKGROUND AND LIFE IN WALES AND LONDON. LIKE A RUINED FIGHTER, STILL ON HIS FEET, AND CAPABLE OF MAKING THE GRAND GESTURE. THE ARTIST AS SACRED AND SACRIFICIAL ANIMAL, ONE OF THE HORRORS OF ART. ROCKING WHILE SITTING. TALKING VERSUS WRITING. JUNGLIAN AND FREUDIAN SKETCHES. BUKOWSKI AGAIN, HIS PASSION. DYLAN THOMAS: HIS POEMS, HIS DESPAIR, HIS METHOD OF COMPOSITION, THE AMOUNT OF WORK THAT WENT INTO HIS LIFE, AS AWRITER.

SN: I was going to ask you - You've been telling us stories about people. I know. They're fables and parables. I'm still feeling very religious and very pure. The purity of this is what is so nice. I know my body is all here and it is cooperating, everything is in order. I feel so happy that I have not been damaged, that so far, I am intact, that the wounds have healed. I wondered about that when before I came in here, whether or not.... My method -- which is why I say that I feel like a street fighter and what makes me say that sometimes I feel like I have been street fighting - my method, which is a painful but efficient one, is to embrace the conflict. That's my way: embrace the conflict. If it's there, go into it, and live it out. I know I hide that from people. What I hope will happen as I go beyond this place which is a high gateway - it has taken me a long time to here here.... I'll talk about my hopes now: This is a high gateway and passage into another part of my life. It's taken at least a couple of years to get here. I'm so happy that you can be the catalyst for this, I am truly happy. You are the only one I know who could engage in this directly, and without distraction. You're the only one who has cleared enough of this shit away to sit here and be the medicine man and make it happen - and know what you're dealing with. And so I thank once again. I was getting off into love, parable and fable, parable about artists, poets, jazzmen, some of my favorite figures. I've learned a lot from the stories of their lives. In a way, my life is not theirs; it's not like that; I'm not as desperate - yet. I don't think I will be in that my development has been different. I hope that I live to a very old age. Let me say what my greatest hope is:

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My greatest hope is to have a long life, To spend my spirit - To find somehow, through love, The communion of my soul, which is shrouded in mystery, feminine - a sacred marriage something that is spoken of in all the sacred realms. It may take me a number of years, and I hope that I have the strength and joy to carry forward - and as an old man, perhaps, to look back, and cast even greater joy upon onto the waters the job of the sage, the one who has worn himself away gradually, not like a street [reference to fighter, not like a drunk, not like a Tyler Thomas] damaged man... like one who has worked hard for his wisdom, and known that he can last, and known that he can last... that he can last as long as he wants to last. That's very moving. That's very human. All people revt revere that. Maybe it's just some body one they heard about in church, some Jesus or some Buddha, just somebody they heard about in church.. .. I'm not really sinking. I'm just indulging myself in -- good English. The wounds have healed... I've embraced these conflicts. I've embraced them. I've gone directly into them (not without caution, not without the skills of what I've learned) but I've gone into them, I've gone straight into them - which is what a young man should do, I think. Go straight in and use it up! Use up all that anger and use up all that sort of heady stuff that comes up out of childhood. Make it. Spend it - just spend it. It's your spirit. Spend it. You've got plenty of it and it will always be there. I feel like I've been through a great period of expenditure and embrace. I've been tied up in conflict. I've been so much of it and in it. I haven't has much time for sifting, and making good I haven't had much time for to make making good things. I've made a few little things here and there. I've made my poems, which are gifts. They are gifts from spirit to spirit. I've tried to make them give, to demonstrate states of being.... I knew that if I wanted my medium to work, I would have to court the muse - it would to be lyrical.... I feel like I could go on and on into myth at this point... That was very refreshing. It was like a shower, very refreshing. One of the funny things about this is that it experience is that it has wonderful arcs. Thought travels in arcs. Feelings don't, but thought does travel in arcs. Feelings emanate. But thought - you know how you say "a thought will come around." It does. It's like spheres.... Thought is spherical. [Editor's Note: Page 440 has been merged with this page]

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12/20/80 Neeko MDMA 200mg@9:30AM tyrosine 1gm@8:40 100mg@10:30 500mg@10:30+tphan later Listening to Neeko's tape & talking to him I found that he felt in a very open, expansive mood detached from his pain, fears & blocks, though on the tape he talked about them as if he was inside them. However, overtime, (He taped from ~11:15 on) his attitude became more hopeful & confident. Nothing seemed grandiose to me in his tape. On the contrary the early parts seemed to be exaggerated in a direction toward low self-esteem "I'm always running away from the pain, & the pain is at my core." Later in the session while coming down we had contacts that did feel like re-establishing genuine contact [with] each other after years of avoiding it, but part of that process was painful to both of us, acknowledging our projections, fears & categorizing the other to defend ourselves against inner conflict (projective identification, because the other would incorporate the projection unconsciously - me as "competent & successful in all ways" & Teeko as "unable to succeed, without ability to get his life together," Those are the extremes but starting as equals in college, we must have felt competitive & labeled each other as "winner" & "loser" overtime, fearing to acknowledge that we each have the potential for both. We worked through it, striving to be as honest as we could & felt humbled & sobered at the end, but in a more hopeful mood as evening & night came & we ate & rested.

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MDMA

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DMA, 200mg @ 9:30AM [with] tyrosine 1gm @ 8:40 100mg @ 10:20A.M. 500mg 500mg @ 10:20 headphones & eye shades, tyrptophan @ ~11:20 music - Moldaw, Renborne, Moldof Harp, & others The effect began in ~20min, strong physical sensations, body agitation was gone by the time 2nd dose was given. after 50 mins. I tape record my ideas, then wrote down others & let Neeko use tape recorder. Listening to the tape & reading the ideas later they varied from hopeful to grandiose! Helpful ideas were: 1] treat the try board as a board prep. course rather than an exam, a useful refreshing, (This became grandiose when I thought about having the AB P+N suggest that to examinees randomly reevaluate the results, believing they would do it). 2] To enjoy doing therapy, tell new clients I like doing this work to learn about people & I'll share [with] them what I learn. But I am not there to help them feel better because I don't have the power to do that (underlined part just came to me now, 1 day after session) 3] Have a goal of being in a creative state of mind [without] having to "space out" or use drugs to "destroy the illusion" of the world 4] "Drugs are a finger that aren't pointing; the therapist has to point." [& the client mainly] 5] Found a + attitude & way to present myself to raise money to do MDMA research, sincere & direct (this developed into seeing the project as a "college" & myself the teacher.) 5 1/2] Have people write down all their life questions & problems before the session (actually, I recommended this to Teeko the night before, but it came up again) Also, decided tape recording was useful 6] Viewing the world as a "required course" to be taken involuntarily or voluntarily, but one has to be "enlightenment" to take it voluntarily 7] Focusing my efforts on my intentions rather than images of an outcome (Cameron Scott mentioned that to me a few days ago & I understood it better during the session.) 8] My only purpose in being alive is to learn (then elaborate into "2]") Saw I'd been needing to hook my clients into needing me to help them so I can earn a living. [I still don't feel ready to give that up totally, but it's quite clear that it's going on.] Another later idea to tell clients "I'm here to learn how to help you feel better, but right now, I don't know, & it usually takes me a long time to find out. People usually find out the answers before I do in this therapy process.

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9] Don't give people + tests before MDMA sessions (unless I feel it's needed for screening purposes) because it has an effect on their mental set. Treat people individually. [Of course, this makes it much less possible to measure the amount of change people undergo.] Grandiose or unrealistic ideas included: 1) Have Dr's Holm & Bolon measure change in how quickly people get well after taking Course in Miracles 2) my "staying in touch [with] trists (& talking & studying for the Boards) is an act of love by God" 3) send copies of the tape I recorded to people as promotion- evidence of the value of MDMA. 4) offer a session to Firesign Theater 5) Seeing all of my friends helping me in my work [with] MDMA 6) moving to Peter George's farm in KY, & all my friends joining me there 7) Write various letters to ABP+M, a job, try, etc. 8) Talk to people while tripping via cassette & they couldn't talk back. 9) Tell certain friends things they should do for themselves (but I did think to wait for the right time & setting, usually) 10) The Course In Miracles brings God into Buddhism as a final synthesis of Eastern & Western religion [it does seem to be a synthesis, but "final"?] Generally, it now seems the session enabled me to have many new ideas, half somewhat useful & half not realistically useful, except in helping me see what my omnipotent part of me would like. But the creative process does involve recording all the ideas that pop into one's head & editing later. I certainly feel like I have "enough" answers to my life's problems right now, & that I don't "need to solve" any other life problems at present. Today, (1 day after) I've felt good, not tired. I spent the day quietly, studying DSM III & neurology, going out to eat & saw "9 to 5." It's 11PM & I'm beginning to get tired. I slept from 11PM->6AM last night, lay in bed till 7, meditated, & back in bed. I even felt like fixing breakfast for Hadya & I which I don't remember happening before, It felt great to want to do that & feel like I could. [See also, Woods, 12/20/80, for notes on our interactions while coming down.]

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REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH 2-CB Peggy's report page 449 Date: Place: March 11, 1981 Brandt's, Lone Pine Peggy and Fred

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Subjects:

Dosage: 16 m.g for Peggy, 20 m.g. for Fred 1:25 p.m. Start. After ingestion, we both worked outdoors for awhile, awaiting results. The effects came on quite slowly. Shortly after 2, I feel a slight expansion, Peggy a slight tingliness. It was a full hour before we began to feel significant effects. Peggy observes visual enhancement, a bush beginning to grow. I feel more and more energy, some visual enhancement, a very slight nausea, some of my usual load dragging. Peggy was feeling very energetic after one hour, so we went for a walk. It was delightful outside. A huge storm had gathered over the mountains, and we were surrounded by dramatic clouds, threatening rain. It was very invigorating outside, Peggy feeling the cold but me not, a reversal of our normal state. Peggy was responding beautifully, with much visual and color enhancement. I experience enhancement of beauty, but am aware of a deep block. In fact, I am very surprised to feel the heaviness of the load I am carrying, as it seemed much worse than I thought it was. however, in line with recent learning experiences, and following Joy's advice of dropping the need to understand, I accepted and simply experienced the feelings without resisting them or churning into them. It felt much better this way. 3:23 We have returned from our walk, light the stove. The effects have grown steadily and are now at maximum. While able to function perfectly, it feels best to sit. I sit on the sofa, look out at clouds. The sky is most beautiful, and I am very taken by it, drawn into the experience. The clouds get brighter and brighter, until a hole begins to form around the sun, so that the sun shines through brighter. I ask to be shown the clear light of truth, and the clouds dissipate until the sun is shining almost perfectly clear except for a light haze. I have no trouble looking directly at it, feeling the light of Truth grow. I began to get a little concerned for the possible effect on my eyes, and a finger of cloud obligingly moves across the sun to diminish the light. The sun shining through the wisps of cloud is fantastically beautiful, and I know this to be a very deep, profound experience. I am aware of great energy and great love. I tell Peggy the beauty I see in the clouds, and she looks out, and immediately warns me to protect my eyes. This creates doubt in me, and I look away. I feel guilty that I didn't have the faith to keep looking, knowing that with complete trust no damage could occur. Yet I realize that I am always putting myself in those situations to create a sense of failure, so I simply decided to look only as long as comfortable, and to look away when not. I had some feeling that it was a mistake to try to get someone else to share a deep experience, as such experiences are between the individual and the Highest Order, and they are open to anyone who seeks them for himself. I spent a glorious hour just watching the clouds and experiencing. I would be experiencing ecstasy, and then the experience would turn sour. I was aware that a negative thought had crossed my mind. So I chose positive thoughts, and the experience would move in that direction. I had an amazing time watching how what I experienced followed my thinking. I decided to create the maximum possible joy.

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I worked at this a while, and learned a lot about myself. Then the experience began to grow thin; I was running out of energy and beginning to feel empty. It came to me that you cannot do this alone. My feeling at the moment was that I had deserted Peggy to become wrapped up in myself, and if felt better to get back in harmony; the next day in musing over it another interpretation occurred to me, that I had gotten out of touch with the Central Source by trying so hard to get the result. While this is going on, Peggy is also having a very great experience. We see an eagle fly before the sun, and this brings her a great feeling of the Presence, the first she ever felt. After a while she feels this Presence in everything around her. I am very happy for her, but am strangely blocked from her at a deep level. She reads Gibran, and is very deeply moved. I find it very beautiful, but it doesn't strike me as deeply as it does her. I am concerned by my inability to feel with her. 5:00. I walk outside for a while alone. It is growing dark, and the storm is still dramatic. I enjoy the outdoors very much, and enjoy the different feeling I feel. I get a deep sense of loneliness, but it passes. Also powerful anger occurs again, and I wonder why this keeps returning. I wonder if it is because something has happened to me in in the past. I decide to go in and look to see. I lie down beside Peggy, and we listen to music. It feels very good to be beside her. What I feel from the past is my enormous sensitivity to rejection, and how painful it is. At the same time, I see how many little things that Peggy does causes me to feel rejected. At the same time, I can see that I am doing many little things that cause her to feel rejected. The withdrawal is most peaceful and enjoyable. We finally end it to get something to eat. By this time we are feeling enormous euphoria and well-being, which continues to grow through the evening. The aftermath is simply superb, better than any experience I can remember. I feel marvelous, light and full of energy, and wonderfully on top of things. We enjoy a very delicious meal, with marvelous enhancement of taste. For the next few hours I have to complete a number of chores getting ready to go back to L.A, the next morning, like packing, shining shoes, ect. A little tension grew because of the demand of my attention to these chores instead of freely experiencing, as I would have preferred. But going to bed was marvelous. The drive to Los Angeles the next day was absolutely superb. We are still very much in the experience, and in some ways I reach greater heights than the day before. The scenery is beautiful, and I can let go completely to the flow of the car. I get a number of tremendous realizations, centered in the marvelous things that happen with true commitment to the Central "Source". I feel the impact of the high point of the previous day's experience of standing in the light. But the amazing thing is how absolutely wonderful I feel, both psychically and physically. It is just absolutely great. This enormous well-being was toned down the next few days as we inter-acted with others, but the drive back to Lone Pine, 4 days later, restored a lot of it.