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Copyright Information and Disclaimer

Before you read any page beyond this one, you agree to the following: 2013, All Rights Reserved. You do not have permission to copy, distribute, sell, or create derivative works from this book or any website associated with this creative work without written permission from the publisher, A New Mode, Inc. and the authors, Sabrina Alexis and Eric Charles. By reading any of the contents of this book beyond this page, you agree to the following: You understand that the information contained on this page and in this book is an opinion, and it should be used for personal entertainment purposes only. You are responsible for your own behavior and actions, and none of this book is to be considered legal, professional or personal advice.

Contents
DEADLY MISTAKE #1: NEEDINESS ............................................................... 5 DEADLY MISTAKE #2: BATTLE OF THE SEXES .......................................... 8 DEADLY MISTAKE #3: SELFISH DATING ................................................... 10 DEADLY MISTAKE #4: TRYING TO CHANGE HIM..................................... 12 DEADLY MISTAKE #5: EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE ......................................... 17 DEADLY MISTAKE #6: ENCOURAGING BAD BEHAVIOR ......................... 19 DEADLY MISTAKE #7: BAD SOURCES OF INFORMATION ....................... 22

Most women have the most pure and innocent intentions when it comes to relationships. However, good intentions arent enough to prevent you from inadvertently messing up your relationship before it even gets a chance to get off the ground. You may have been in relationships that started out great and over time, by no intention of your own, disintegrated. Maybe he starts to withdraw or seems to be losing interest. The more you try to save the relationship, the harder it becomes to keep things together and eventually you feel like you're chasing it. Ultimately, the relationship falls apart. The reason this happens isn't because you're a bad person or because you're undesirable. The reason this happens is because you were never told the truth about relationships. You were never told that things that seem like good ideas can actually end up destroying a relationship. In this report, I'm going to talk about several different factors that destroy relationships. Once you recognize them and understand how they impact the relationship overall, you can replace them with good behaviors. Let's begin.

DEADLY MISTAKE #1: NEEDINESS

The first deadly mistake that destroys relationships is being needy. This term probably sounds familiar. I'm certainly not the first person to identify neediness as a problem that can destroy relationships, or even destroy your chances of having a relationship. But unless I tell you exactly what being needy is and why it happens, it's not useful for me to explain how it can damage your relationship. I want to explain this in a way that will help you see if youre being needy, why you're being needy, and where it's coming from. Once you know these things, you can start working to solve it. Nobody intends to be needy. Nobody wants to be needy. The problem is that people end up being needy because they don't know any better and they don't realize that's what they are doing. Where does neediness come from? Neediness usually comes from an emptiness within that we believe somebody else can fill for us. We may come to believe that some other person can give us something emotionally that we can't give ourselves. We believe that the other person holds keys to something rare and special and if we lose them, then we'll lose our one chance, to have true happiness and a sense of worth. We believe that they hold the keys to our livelihood. Since we believe that, we also have a tremendous fear of losing that person. The combination of believing our happiness and fulfillment lies outside ourselves and fearing that we'll lose it causes us to be needy.

Neediness is a symptom of not living a full life; it's a symptom of not getting fulfillment, joy, and satisfaction from our own lives. It then causes us to look to some other person or special relationship to fill the void. If you feel you have an empty space in your life or an emotional void that you're looking for another person to fill, you will inevitably begin displaying needy behaviors. It may not happen, or be obvious, right away, but over time you won't be able to help yourself. If you allow a void to be there in your life, you will eventually fall into a needy state of mind. Neediness is more of a state of mind than set of behaviors. It's a symptom of not learning to love yourself, of not yet having the ability to look at yourself through the eyes of love. I once heard "You need to find a way to have a crush on yourself before anybody else can really desire you or want you, or be attracted to you in a true way." If you are coming from a place of desperation, then you kill the attraction the other person feels for you. Neediness is also a symptom of not filling your life with things you love, things that give you meaning and fulfillment. When your life is filled with what you love, you attract love to you. Other people will feel that positive, life-loving energy radiating from you and will be more drawn to you. Instead of having an aura of desperation, you will have an aura of fullness, fun, and fulfillment. People have an innate fear of being taken advantage of or used. When you're needy, you trigger an alarm in the other person that you're going to feed off of them and that you're so hungry to take things from them that you arent able to give. Sometimes desperate people will give and give, but because they're giving out of desperation, it doesn't feel like giving. It feels like desperation and it will be interpreted as desperation. 6

The lesson here is that you need to fill your life up with what you love from all different areas: friends, family, groups that you belong to, hobbies, goals, etc. Love your life and love will easily find you. Those who are starving for love seldom find it.

DEADLY MISTAKE #2: BATTLE OF THE SEXES

Let's move on to another deadly mistake that destroys relationships. Its a mindset I like to call man versus woman, or woman versus man. This usually occurs in women who have been hurt in the past, have been disappointed by men, or have their guard up because they don't want to be vulnerable or hurt by another man. It manifests as seeing your guy as an adversary instead of your partner. While you might start out fine and you might start out swimming in love and all sorts of fuzzy feelings, sooner or later you fall into the trap of battling with your partner. You might blame him, nag him, emasculate him, or put him down in front of other people (or put him down in general). Instead of understanding him, listening to him, and feeling where he's coming from, you fight with him. You assume he has bad intentions and you fight against them, even though they probably dont exist. In time, you may even develop what some people call an addiction to fighting. You get so used to fighting with each other, and the emotional roller coaster that goes with the cycle of constantly fighting and making up, that it almost becomes habitual to tear the fabric of your relationship to shreds. When two egos are involved in a relationship, the relationship will constantly get ripped apart, put back together, ripped apart, back together, repeat for however long you both can tolerate it without losing your mind. 8

The lesson here is that real love, true love, isn't the love that can switch to hate at the flick of a switch. True love can't exist between egos. When two people want to dig their feet into the ground and create a position and then fight each other on that position, they will tear the relationship apart in the process. There's no way that it can't happen. In order to fight, you need to shut down the parts of yourself that are in a relationship with another person. You need to put up walls in order to protect yourself against the other person's attacks. There's no way that a relationship can survive in that environment. If you have a tendency towards this man versus woman adversarial mindset, you need to let that gothe sooner the better. It's fine if you want to hold on to it, just understand that it is the opposite of what a relationship is supposed to be and is completely destructive. You need to make a choice. Do you want to fight with the person you're in a relationship with? Or do you want to finally lay down your mental weapons against the other person and find a way to relate to him and have meaningful relationships?

DEADLY MISTAKE #3: SELFISH DATING

Let's move on to the next deadly mistake that destroys a relationship. This is what I call wanting to get yours instead of investing in the relationship. In western culture there's a certain level of entitlement that people feel. They feel entitled to get all these great things when they get into a relationship and that a man should do all these things or hes not doing it right. It's fine to have an image in your mind of what you relationship to be like. It's fine to have a standard of what you deserve; there's nothing wrong with that. Problems when you fixate entirely on what you're getting instead you're giving. want a you feel emerge of what

What can happen is that you get into the relationship and you get so fixated on what you want, you stop showing appreciation for the other person. You stop acknowledging the other person because you feel so empty and resentful toward him for not giving you what you want. You end up holding grudges and keeping score against him. The more you hold onto the grudges and resentment, and the more you keep score, the less you will put into the relationship. Since you arent putting into the relationship, it's only natural that you will get less back from it. Your fixation on the problems, or on solving the problems, is still a way of you "trying to get yours." Relationships involve two people; the responsibility to make it work is on both you and him. If you want to improve your relationship, remember that the only person you can change immediately and easily is yourself. Yes, you 10

and the other person ultimately need to be putting energy into the relationship, but if you want to change your relationship, it starts with you. If you're the one who wants the change in your relationship, it starts with you. In time, the changes you make (assuming theyre positive and lead to self-improvement) will lead to a better relationship. They will inspire the other person to make positive changes and be better in the relationship and as a person overall. The best way to fill up a relationship and fuel it so its a smooth ride is to focus on his best qualities, focus on your own your best qualities and try to bring your best to the relationship. When you bring your best into the relationship and focus on the positive, things will automatically change for the better. Instead of draining the relationship bank account so theres nothing left, you're going to be making massive deposits.

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DEADLY MISTAKE #4: TRYING TO CHANGE HIM

Another deadly mistake that destroys relationships is wanting him to change or trying to help him get through his issues. Change is possible, but it can't happen if you don't totally accept the person for who they are and love them as they are, even if they never change. When you dont accept someone as they are and wish they would change, the other person will intuitively pick up on it. This causes resentment. This causes the other person to put walls up. People instinctively protect themselves when they dont feel accepted for who they are. People shield themselves from people who don't unconditionally love them. This will sound counter-intuitive, but if you want someone to change you need to be in a place where you totally accept them and completely love them for exactly who they are right now. If you can't do that, than it may be worthwhile to consider whether or not this is really a person you want to be in a relationship with. You cant be in a relationship with someone because of what they could be. If you can't totally accept them as they are, right now, it will seep into your relationship and poison it continually. Another way this can manifest in a relationship is if you're unwilling to see the person for who they actually are and instead blame yourself when things go awry. I've seen situations where a woman was dating a guy who had a shaky past, it could be a criminal record or a history of being 12

abusive in relationships, and she feels he might be cheating on her. After she goes into detail about all the things that this guy has done and his horrible track record of behavior and infidelity and even violence she asks, "What am I doing wrong?" The only thing you did wrong is you chose a guy with a pattern of bad behavior that clearly demonstrates hes not a great choice for long-term relationship potential. Sometimes you need to see it for what it is. When youve been waiting for a relationship for a long time and meet someone who might possibly have potential, you may be overcome with the joy of finally having met someone who excites and interests you, someone you could potentially be with. You feel like you might finally have a chance for love and happiness. When youre so desperate for love, you will love anyone who shows interest and has a little potential. What you want is love and a relationship, not necessarily this other person who you objectively know isnt good enough for you. This kind of thinking is a major trap that way too many women get sucked into. What can happen is because you feel so strongly and because you're so excited about the possibilities, you believe that this relationship must be something real. He must be the one. He must be a significant love in my life, because I feel so strongly about it. Because you feel those emotions and because you made the decision that this must be something, you come to believe that if things dont work out, it will be because of something you did wrong. When he doesnt treat you right or does something wrong, you turn inward and think you must have done something to cause his behavior. You have to consider who he is, what his history is, what his behavior patterns are or were. Look at the way he treats you and the way he treats other people. If you see a pattern of him treating 13

other people poorly or making poor decisions in his life, then you can reasonably conclude that this is the man he is. You need to understand that his behavior has nothing to do with what you're doing in the relationship; its just the way he is to people in general. When you can clearly see him for who he is, it will be on you to decide if you want to carry on in the relationship. Just bear in mind its unlikely that he will change anytime soon. I do believe that there are all sorts of things we can do to make our relationships better, but there are also times where you may choose someone who just isnt relationship material. You can end up driving yourself crazy by continually trying to force a round peg into a square hole, so to speak. Sometimes you simply need to walk away from a bad relationship. It is only when you can do this that you make room for a better relationship. Women may also try to change a man when he has a lot of emotional baggage or issues he's dealing with. The trouble is, you can't help him with his emotional baggage. You can't help him get over his issue, and it's not your job to. When a man is suffering emotionally, what he really needs to do, and what he really feels inclined to do, is to hide away in his mental cave, so to speak. A man does not want to be seen when he doesn't feel like a winner in the world. A man wants to hide away, figure out how to get back on the horse, and then reemerge when he feels back on top. If you interfere with that and try to help him, he'll see it as pity and will feel like more of a loser. The more he feels like the loser, the more hell sink into a pit of despair. The deeper he goes, the longer it will take for him to climb out and be back to his old self. The best thing you can do to help him when hes having a hard time is give him the space to get over his issue on his own. If you 14

want to be supportive, then listen when he comes to you and tries to explain whats going on and how hes feeling. When and if he does this, dont interrupt, dont judge, and dont offer solutions. He wants you to understand him, so just listen. He doesnt want your help, suggestions, or advice (and if he does, hell ask for it). He just wants you to understand him. Understanding him and giving him space are the best ways you can support him when hes dealing with emotional issues. Now lets shift gears to guys who say they dont want a relationship because of their emotional baggage. A lot of women come to me with questions because the guy theyve been dating for a while said he doesn't want to be in an official relationship with her because of some issue. He just got out of another relationship, he just lost his job, he's depressed, hes afraid of having his heart broken and so on I hate to be blunt, but when a man says he doesn't want to get into a relationship with you, believe him. Oftentimes, I see women hearing a man say he doesn't want to get into a relationship because x, y, z reason. She decides the solution is for him to solve whatever issue hes having and she reasons that once he does this, he wont have anything holding back from a relationship. No. When a man says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, it's because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. The reason he gives you for not wanting a relationship is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. I don't care how emotional the reason is, how valid it may seem. Or how convincing he was when he told you about it. Youre just gonna have to trust me when I say that when a man says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, for any reason, he means it. If you find yourself in this situation, then continue to live your life as a single girl. Why? Because thats what you are until he locks you down. Until he really makes you his, until he explicitly 15

says you and he are in an exclusive relationship, you are a free agent. Continuing to keep your options open can cause an amazing thing to happen. When a man sees that he could possibly lose you to another man, another man who is willing to bring his Agame and claim you as his, he will usually get himself into gear and get over his issues, fast. Hell search for a new job vigorously, hell snap out of his depression, hell forget all about his horrible ex-girlfriend whatever his reason for not wanting to be in a relationship with you will quickly disappear. The main reason hell up his game is because no man wants to lose a great woman to another man because he didn't step up to claim her. If youre acting like his girlfriend even though he refuses to acknowledge you as such, then hell take comfort in the fact that youre not going anywhere. The best thing you can possibly do if a man tells you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you is keep your options open and remember you are still single. I am not recommending that you flaunt it. I am not recommending that you explicitly say it or shove it in his face. Im not recommending you come right out and tell him that youre going to keep your options open until he locks you down. Do not ever say it explicitly. If you do it that way, it's going to come across as manipulative, childish, and coercive. What I'm suggesting here is a mental decision that you make on the inside, a decision to keep your options open until a man exclusively locks you down.

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DEADLY MISTAKE #5: EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

Another deadly mistake that can destroy a relationship is not handling your issues. A lot of women get into relationships thinking that the right relationship will cure them of all their issues and fears. A relationship might be a temporary fix, but the high will wear off. When this happens, your old issues will emerge, only this time you wont have the shining glimmer of hope that things can get better when youre in a relationshipsbecause now youre in a relationship and things arent getting better. When this happens, you may feel depressed, you may mope around, you may let yourself go and stop working out, dressing up, or putting on makeup. You may be moody and start taking it out on your man, seeing him as the cause of your issues because he isnt doing a good job fixing you. You may feel off balance because your life is no longer rich and exciting. You stopped doing the things you used to do and hanging out with the people you used to hang out with in order to focus solely on the relationship. Since the relationship isnt fueling you in the way you hoped it would, you may fall back on destructive behaviors to fill the emptiness. Suffice to say, your relationship will start to unravel when any of these things happen. When people let themselves go, when you don't handle your issues, it's very easy to stop putting juice into the relationship, so to speak. It's very easy to forget that youre not the only person in the relationship. When you sink into despair, you lose sight of 17

everything you have and get consumed with what youre lacking. Instead of being a joy in the man's life, instead of adding love into his life, you become more and more of a burden. Relationships don't just lock in once they hit a certain stage, whether that stage is marriage, or being exclusive. Relationships must always be cared for, nurtured, and maintained. If you want the best relationship, you must always strive to give that person your best and be at your best. Relationships tend to fall apart when one person, or both people start to get lazy. No one is perfect. Its understandable and expected that people will have issues and baggage. Its very hard to love someone who doesnt love themselves though, and if you arent striving to deal with your issues then you are not loving yourself. Its impossible to help anyone who cant help themself.

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DEADLY MISTAKE #6: ENCOURAGING BAD BEHAVIOR

The next deadly mistake I want to talk about is bad training. What do I mean by bad training? Bad training is when the other person acts badly or in an unacceptable way, and you react to it. You give attention to it. You rush to the other person and do something that encourages the bad behavior. Let me give you an example. Lets say a man starts to withdraw from a woman who, up until that point, wasnt giving her best to the relationship and instead was focused on taking from him. As soon as he withdraws, however, she may do a complete turnaround and put more attention and care into the relationship. She does nice things for him, she does favors, she never nags him or harps on him for what hes doing wrong. She becomes the best girlfriend ever while he sits back and enjoys it without putting anything in. Her attempt to win him back and get him to stop withdrawing effectively teaches him that if hes unhappy with the way shes acting, all he has to do it avoid her and shell snap right back into shape. Without realizing it, she is rewarding the behavior that she doesn't want from him. Conversely, there are cases where a man is behaving exactly how the woman wants, but instead of rewarding that behavior, and instead of giving back to the man in a way that makes him feel loved, appreciated and desired, she ignores the good behavior. Rather than appreciating the nice things he does for her, she comes to expect them. 19

Some women do try to reward the man for his good behavior, but they dont do it in a way that reaches the man and gives him the feeling of love and appreciation he craves. Instead, she may reward him in the way she would want to be rewarded because thats her only reference point. To get it right, you have to tune into who he is, what he likes, and what gives him the most joy. With bad training, you end up rewarding the behaviors you don't want from a man and ignoring, or not adequately rewarding, the behaviors that you do want from him. Over time, this trains him to behave badly. It creates a pattern in the relationship of him behaving in the ways that you don't want, and not behaving in the ways that you do want. The lesson here is when he's acting in the way you want him to act, when he's showing good behavior, reward him in the ways that make him feel loved, wanted, desirable, and like a winner in the world. When he behaves badly, don't reward it in any way. There are times when you should be firm and make it clear that a certain behavior is unacceptable, but other times it can be much more powerful if you completely ignore it and don't react to it at all. The best relationships usually come from you rewarding great behavior and ignoring, or not rewarding, bad behavior. Men typically will do anything they can to win in a relationship and to make you happy. All you really need to do is show him what makes you happy and hell do it. Dont come out and say do this because it will make me happy. Instead, encourage him when he does something you like. 20

If you tell him what to do hell feel emasculated. If you give him enough room to figure out how to make you happy on his own, hell feel like a winner.

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DEADLY MISTAKE #7: BAD SOURCES OF INFORMATION

Another deadly mistake that can destroy a relationship is having bad information or bad beliefs about relationships. Our culture gives us all sorts of unrealistic expectations of relationships: portrayals in the media, stories about dream relationships, horror stories about relationships, hot button cultural topics, etc. Most of the time, our culture pits men against women and women against men. We hear all sorts of stories of infidelity, men treating women badly, women treating men badly and so on. Another issue that can cause confusion between the sexes is we assume people feel love the way that we do, and want to be loved the way we do. Men and women are different. The way a man wants to be loved by you and the way a man feels love from you, might be completely different from the way you want to be loved by him. If you seek out dating advice from multiple places, it can actually make things worse. Dating advice is written from a context. If the context for your dating life is wrong, if it's not a match to who you are and what your values are and what you really want out of a relationship, you could end up doing more damage than good. The most destructive kind of dating advice is adversarial advice where it's you versus him, where the writer speaks to you with an entitled mindset, advising you to do things because you deserve 22

them, and encouraging you to take and take from men in relationships. It advises you to withhold things that would fill the relationship with love and fill the man with desire, and advises you to punish him in certain ways with coercive or manipulative behavior. These dating advice books, I'm sad to say, do sell, and women end up destroying their relationships or having a series of destructive relationships as a result of their efforts to improve their love lives. Because they adopt this manipulative and coercive attitude, their relationships become breeding grounds for dishonesty and resentment. Men can acutely perceive when they're being manipulated or coerced into things. Not only does the relationship fall apart, it falls apart in a way that instills bitterness and hatred in both people. The problem wasn't that either person had bad intentions going in. The problem was that you were given bad advice from the wrong angle and you ended up turning small problems into major issues, mountains our of molehills as the saying goes. Be mindful of how these kinds of things can impact you so you know to stay away from dating advice that advocates manipulation, coercion, or an adversarial mindset. The advice out there also fails to deeply examine what causes the majority of relationship issues and how to handle them. What you need is a system that explains different situations that come up in relationships and gives you an approach that naturally flows from you, one that isnt manipulative or calculating. When you can adopt a healthy attitude towards relationships and become whole within yourself, you will naturally have more relationship success. 23

You will effortlessly get your man to look at you in a way hes never looked at any other woman, a way that shows you how deeply he appreciates you for giving him something he cant get anywhere else. When you gain an understanding of yourself, of your partner, and of the relationship as a whole, you wont have to think about your every move or analyze all the details, you be able to bypass the deadly mistakes without even thinking about it.

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