Pattaya One Issue 8

One
PATTAYA
Fun Towns most vibrant
By Staff Writers
20 Baht
16 - 31 January 2011 Issue 8 www.pattayaone.net
FOReIGN cRIME GANG AcTIVITY INcReAsING IN PATTAYA

Might need a bigger van soon to accommodate the growing numbers of villains
Communications between the United States Embassy in Bangkok and the United States State Department, released by the whistleblower website Wikileaks and featured in the United Kingdom-based Guardian newspaper, highlight a disturbing growing trend of foreign gangs operating in and out of Pattaya. The communication stated: Thailand enjoys a rapid expansion of Russian tourists visiting Thailand but has to deal with an unwanted side effect - the presence of Russian organized crime networks around the popular beach destinations of Pattaya and Phuket. Whilst the cable highlighted the increasing presence of the Russian mafia in Pattaya, recent arrests of foreign criminal gangs have, surprisingly, been predominantly from South America. Informed sources have also pointed to growing suspicions of a large Iranian drug network in the city, which Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) officers believe is the target of much of the recently seized drugs being muled in by Iranian tourists. Pattaya One reviewed the available evidence of criminal gang activity in Pattaya during 2010, which backs up the disturbing claims the city is increasingly a foreign gang hideout. The arrests of a South American gang of thieves operating in Pattaya made headline news late last year, when they were discovered in a house on a residential estate in East Pattaya with a large hoard of stolen jewellery, credit cards, laptops, cameras, gas bottles and blowtorch equipment. Denying all knowledge of these items, the Peruvian and Argentine gang were arrested following the arrest of two more gang members in Bangkok. The recovered items were claimed by victims from Bangkok and the surrounding area, and a Metropolitan Police 7 investigator believed the suspects were hiding in Pattaya, acting as tourists, renting vehicles and targeting luxury residences, before transferring money and valuables back to
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their home countries. Readers may recall another arrest in 2010, of yet another South American gang of robbers, this time from Colombia, when one of their members escaped from police custody twice, once from a hospital, after being shot during his first escape attempt. This five-man gang were thought to have links to another Bangkok gang, and they were believed to be responsible for at least 20 robberies in the Chonburi area. Another South American gang, this time Peruvian nationals, were arrested last year as they tried to flee Thailand at Suvarnabhumi International Airport, having been implicated in the failed attempt to break into a Bangkok bank ATM on Beach Road. In 2010, a gang of ATM scammers, this time from Germany, were arrested in Pattaya for
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02 Pattaya One

of crystal methamphetamine (Ice) into Thailand. The drug mules were fed laxatives until they expelled the packages, which weighed one kilo, with an estimated street value of 3.5 million baht (a real bog-load in anyones language). Bizarrely all the accused denied any wrongdoing. An initial investigation found one of the mules had a Thai girlfriend working at a nightclub in Pattaya, and customs officials presumed the drug dealers may have been selling ice to foreign tourists and other patrons of nightclubs in Fun Town. DEA officials believe the increasing popularity of Pattaya for young Iranians is fuelling the supply of smuggled ice into the country. Finally, yet another Iranian, and his Thai girlfriend, were caught with ice, a Class 1 drug, in their room in South Pattaya at the end of December. Police were told the 40-year-old Iranian was selling the drugs and a search of the room led to the discovery of 11.52gms of ice
16 - 31 January 2011 Issue 8

as well as drug-taking material. The chivalrous Iranian claimed his girlfriend was not involved in any way, but police were not convinced as she didnt strike them as having the kind of eye disorder that would prevent her seeing the drug-taking material and the ice for what they were. There is some anecdotal evidence that a number of foreign drug dealers are renting town-houses in mid-level housing developments on the Eastern side of Pattaya for up to 10,000 baht a month. This is especially the case with the South Americans and some Israelis and others from the Middle East. In these places their activities certainly attract the interest and suspicion of other residents, who are generally Thais with a few foreigners, but the rentals are usually taken on short three and six-month terms. So, by the time the locals start talking and police get a tip-off, the teams have moved onto the next rental. Although authorities appear to be keen to catch as much of this activity as possible, the reality appears to be that as Pattaya grows in terms of population and area, so too does the illicit drug problem. Whats worrying is that so many criminal gangs from a multitude of countries seem to view Thailand in general, and Pattaya in particular, as an easy haven from which to conduct their operations.
GANGs Of PATTAYA
FROM PAGE ONE
hacking into a senior Thai army officers account and stealing 700,000 baht, by using a Trojan virus. Based in Pattaya, it was alleged this ATM gang had stolen up to 100 million baht using the same method. The two Germans confessed, alleging they were working for an unnamed Russian national, believed to be part of an e-banking syndicate perpetrating their crimes in Thailand. It is also believed gangs behind the increased amount of drugs flooding into Thailand, are increasingly targeting distribution in Pattaya. Referring to an increase in seizures at the airport, deputy Customs Department directorgeneral Narin Kalayamitr said drug dealers from at least six parts of the world are targeting the country. He said Iranian pushers usually smuggle in ice flakes, Pakistanis are frequently associated with heroin, Filipinos and Africans with cocaine, Indians with ketamine, and Nepalese with marijuana.
The Iceman cometh
Narin said more drugs from Iran were expected to be smuggled into Thailand soon, and that police and customs agents were monitoring future drug trafficking by foreign narcotics rackets. Narin was speaking after customs agents had arrested four Iranian men for allegedly smuggling ice flakes, worth six million baht in street value, into Thailand by swallowing and concealing the drug in their stomachs. These Iranian-smuggled drugs and Pattaya seem increasingly connected. Last year, following another tip-off, four Iranian men were arrested at Suvarnabhumi Airport for smuggling 111 packages
I guess this is time for the truth talk
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Pattaya One 03
No happy ending after police raid Soi 6

as they mounted their vehicles and drove off into the evening. The street was blocked at both ends (if youll pardon the term) and a mobile drug testing unit was set up in the middle of the soi. By the time this had been set up it was allegedly interesting to note the number of sheepish-looking foreigners who appeared to emerge into the bright street light from
I want you all to walk erect when we raid Soi 6

After gathering in force late on a mid-week night, a team of 350 police officers launched a series of raids on no less than 50 bars in Soi 6 in central Pattaya in the search for illicit drugs, narcotics dealers, and women dressed as women. The entire cast had assembled in the car park at the Soi 9 station, no easy task given their numbers, where they were told their assignment. A rather large number apparently managed to suppress a smirk
Roll up roll up and take a wizz

some of the darkened bars, many of them clearly having dressed with the lights off after being disturbed from a sound slumber. After testing about 500 people, all the police managed to find were 16 women (dressed as women) and ladyboys (dressed as women; in most cases anyway) who returned a positive swab, meaning they had recently ingested illegal drugs. Not a single illegal drug was found,
One
PATTAYA
They tell me this is just the bar for a Quicky

was not being used to grease the little rubber wheels of the video machine. At the station, the two teenagers claimed they were paid 1,000 Baht each to perform oral sex acts with Mr. Haselsberger and this was the third time they had visited him at his residence. Its not sure if he had paid them on the occasion of his being arrested. Mr. Haselsberger declined to comment and was transferred to Pattaya Police Station where he would probably, maybe, face a court appearance.
Alleged Knobber Nabbed

An Austrian Man, Mr Walter Haselsberger, aged 39, was paraded before the media at a press conference led by the Tourist Police commander, and accused of conducting lewd acts with minors. He was caught with two teenagers, both aged under 15, at his room in South Pattaya and they werent playing Scrabble. The Tourist police claimed the man had been under observation by them for some time. At the time of his arrest police impounded a number of pornographic movies depicting sexual acts involving children. He had probably purchased the items from vendors on Beach Road. A tube of lubricating jelly was also taken into evidence as police surmised this
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which was of some surprise to the assembled constabulary given the raunchy nature of Soi 6. They were hoping to catch a lot of people engaging in drug using and selling, but instead attracted the ire of many bar owners and managers who wondered why such a cultural icon as Soi 6 kept being targeted by the local authorities. Police said they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists during this current high season and they wanted to prevent this from occurring. The bars of Soi 6 were open for business the following afternoon and into the night and most hoped the sledgehammer-like raid was just a storm in an erectile dysfunction cup.
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The alleged child molester and his collection of nature movies
Crash Bang Wallop Season
Thats Smashing
Pattaya City Hall have announced new measures to keep mayhem off the roads this high season, and to instead relocate it to the pavements. This photograph of a single vehicle accident, whose lucky occupants emerged only with minor injuries, shows how dangerous not only the roads are in Fun Town in high season. Readers are advised to look both ways when crossing the pavements.
04 Pattaya One
Petes Peregrinations
By Peter Lloyd
Pattayas High Season Street Dramas

As a resident I hate Pattayas high season, but as a columnist I love it, as incidents of street drama, cultural misunderstandings and public altercations go off the charts. This high season, I have seen Russians walk off unscathed or financially untaxed from many situations where an English-speaker would have been floored or taken to the cleaners. Whereas I have seen Arabs fined to death, amidst a lot of other high season drama. One evening recently, at 6.45pm, I saw a Russian guy who had been stopped on a motorbike by a policeman on Beach Road. The stopped motorbike was blocking traffic, the Russian was unable (or unwilling) to understand the policemans hand gestures to take the bike to the side of the road, and began to move the bike himself, at which point the Russian got off it, moved towards the policeman and began aggres-
Not all plain sailing in Pattaya

sively squaring up to him. I stayed to watch as a group of nearby motorcycle guys began to edge excitedly forward, presumably to attack the Russian if he hit the policeman. I have a theory that Thais in one-on-one situations are actually scared of Russians, seeing them as macho, confrontational and uncompromising, and their lack of English language skills means that a satisfactory negotiated outcome cannot be certain from a Thai point of view, and even if it were, it is far from clear whether most Russians could afford to pay whatever swingeing penalty would be imposed. So many Thais, in authority and general scammers, seem to back off in confrontations with Russians. For example, there is a famous jet ski scam story, backed up with photographs on the internet, of a Russian woman and her boyfriend facing down the jet ski robbers on Pattaya Beach and walking away without paying anything. Also witness the number of Russian women the subject of bag-snatching who fought back this high season, making the thieves job difficult for them (but upping the levels of extreme violence needed to get a result). I think Thais find Russians difficult to read, impossible to understand, unpredictable to riskassess, and dangerous in a fight. And so it proved this time, with the Russian on the motorbike, squaring up to the policeman. The policeman tried to make himself understood to the uncomprehending Russian, who towered over him, babbling in Russian and shaking his head, as the policeman tried (in Thai) to make the real or imagined case for writing the Russian a traffic ticket. In the end, after much huffing
and puffing on both sides, and a very in your face aggressive style of negotiation from the Russian, he was subsequently waved on his way, without a ticket. The taxi guys looked gutted. Further down the road, only minutes later, outside Royal Garden Plaza, I observed three Arab guys, two Thai women and two Thai police volunteers arguing on the pavement. It transpired that one of the girls alleged one of the Arab guys touched her bottom as they walked past. She was quite upset, but the Arabs, all sporting bushy beards, were having none of it. The police seemed in a quandary as to what to do as there were no other witnesses, and one of the Arab guys was arguing their case in very articulate English. In general, and in stark contrast to Russians, I think the police love having Arabs here. I have seen many motorbikes with Arab riders being pulled around town this high season, the riders loudly and with a sense of outrage protesting their innocence, only for the police to completely ignore them and issue a ticket anyway (rightly or wrongly, I dont know). The fact that Arab motorbike riders are some of the most dangerous in the city might make the ticketing blitz a form of economic karma. But Im sure the police know the average polite, well-off, English-speaking Arab tourist is good for the money, as opposed to the hassles and uncertainties they may encounter in shaking down a more impecunious, threatening Russian.
A Chinese-Thai Funeral
Recently one of my wifes aunties died in Udon Thani, so we drove up for her Chinese-tradition funeral, although when we set off, I didnt realize how intimately involved in it I would become. There were around 500 mourners over the four days we were there, and I was the only foreigner. I was asked to be an official mourner, so we got dressed up to look like doctors and nurses, the immediate family in what looked like Chinese medieval peasant sack cloth, in-laws in blue sashes and the rest of the mourners in white. There was a Chinese band, Chinese singing and narration, and lots of incense and ritual. It was very hypnotic. We also had two ceremonial burnings of the aunts symbolic effects, the main one a huge bonfire of a large mock-up house, a paper wardrobe, paper money and huge paper ornaments. As they burned, we mourners had to hold a rope in a circle around the funeral pyre and beat the ground with sticks to ward away evil spirits until the items had burned. On the final day of the funeral rites, this grand old lady and her expensive coffin were incongruously loaded into a knackered old bus for her final journey, to Udon Thanis biggest temple, for crema-
tion (I passed on the opportunity to symbolically become a monk for the day, which would have entailed getting head AND eyebrows shaved). At the cremation ceremony, there were ninety-nine monks chanting, one of which I had befriended the previous day. He was a senior, highly respected and well known monk in the area. It turned out he was also a Liverpool fan and, as a young monk, he used to sneak out of the temple at night to watch matches on a nearby TV. I asked him to find me a monk who can pray for my team, Everton, and Ill buy him a Liverpool hat next time Im home.
Contact me at pattayaonepete@gmail.com
Pattaya One 05
LETTERS To THE EDiToR

If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.
A PIpe DReAM?
Sir, As I walked along the beach at Pattaya on Christmas night, I came upon this unfortunate Middle Eastern man who had just badly gashed his foot on some glass as he went for a late night swim. Since I came back to Pattaya in 2007, for the first time since my original visit in 1984, I have been constantly dismayed at the plastic bags and bottles, both glass and plastic that are strewn along the beach here. Many times in the past I have collected this unsightly rubbish from the beach, but I eventually gave up as it was a thankless and frustrating task. I was also astonished to see the local Thais discarding their used bottles and plastic bags with the same gay abandon as the tourists. A good example of crapping on your own best money-making amenity and environmental resource. I am glad that since my return to Pattaya last September there has been a noticeable decrease in rubbish on the beach, but there is still plenty of room for improvement. The easiest solution to this problem is for the Pattaya council to make those people who rent sections of the beach from them, responsible for the removal of all rubbish from their area of the beach down to the waters edge. Incidentally I have frequently spotted those jet-ski operators discarding their used petrol and oil containers on the beach too, nice people! The whole packaging usage in Pattaya needs to be urgently reviewed. It is sheer madness for local Thais to peel natures covering from fruit and then package he peeled fruit in polystyrene containers, covered in shrink-wrap. They then sell to tourists on the beach who after consuming the fruit invariably discard the packaging on the beach in an equally irresponsible manner! It is time drastic action is also taken by Pattaya council to follow the Italian government and totally ban plastic bags being supplied in local outdoor markets, shops and supermarkets. Wouldnt that be a wonderful gesture to the environment and a move which, using clever PR, would give Pattaya worldwide positive media coverage. After that, perhaps the council could tackle the air pollution in Pattaya which is dangerously way above the WHO recommended levels. Derek, By email We couldnt agree more that the state of the beach at times is deplorable in terms of discarded rubbish and waste. All the talk about creating a world class destination is a bit of a joke if the very basics are not addressed. It is our understanding that when a local government takes charge of making sure the environment is made as clean as possible, then those who come into that environment sub-consciously treat it with the same respect. That is, if a place looks like a dumping ground, then you can hardly expect anyone to treat it any differently. Getting rid of plastic bags and turning the air clean in Fun Town might take a little longer.
GeT IT Off, fAsTeR

Sir, I had to write again after seeing a news story that said a porn vendor in Jomtien had been arrested for selling videos of under-age girls and boys. I wrote to you previously about this and maybe the authorities took some notice, although given your answer to my previous letter [Pattaya One, 16-30 Nov 2010] I guess this guy was probably just unlucky or annoyed someone or hadnt paid off the right people. I hope Im wrong and they really are starting to clamp down on these vermin that sell kiddie porn, but I wont be holding my breath to see the last of them. Tom Evans, by email Sadly, as we noted last time, if there wasnt a market for this kind of material then you can bet your last baht (if gambling was legal in Thailand of course) there wouldnt be a vendor flogging it. Given the way the city fathers keep talking up the family resort nature of Pattaya the following might not be so impossible: Imagine the scene. Eight-year-old Marlon Furtive, on holiday from Asphyxiation, Arkansas, happens to be walking down Beach Road with his mother Arlene. Marlon, a cherubic-faced and inquisitive young lad, happens to notice a stall selling VCDs and DVDs and drags his mother across for a closer inspection. On top of the pile is a VCD with the title Debbie Does Donkeys, featuring a pre-pubescent naked girl and an equally naked but bemused quadraped. Marlon, a puzzled look on his face, asks his mother about the video. She tries to fob him off with words involving nature and the TV program Animal Planet. Not a pretty sight and you can bet Arlene and her family wont be coming back to Pattaya any time in the next century, although Marlon might sneak back under cover of travelling the world. People are making a living selling this material so while money can be made across the spectrum the trade will continue. We dont have a problem with genuine adult material, but like you, we do vehemently object to what are clearly criminal and morally indefensible items openly displayed for sale. If there is a cogent argument for 18-month-old babies, three and four year old pre-school children, or eight and 10 year pre-pubescent males and females to be used as unwilling or coerced sexual props by adults then we would like to hear it.
ONe RuLe fOR THeM ANd ANOTHeR fOR THe ResT

Sir, I was recently stopped on my motorbike by a police checkpoint in Pattaya and fined 500 baht for not wearing a helmet. Fair enough. But today I saw these two helmetless jokers on a motorbike on Second Road. I told my girl I was going to follow them and report them but she said police are not accountable for breaking any laws in Thailand. Is this true? If not, what can I do to bring them to book? Yours, Han D. Shandy, Naklua. We gather your name is a nomde-plume, and dont blame you for using one. If a picture is worth a thousand words then I suppose we can make our reply short (well, less than 1,000 words anyway). Listen to your girlfriend, shes quite correct. We have taken the liberty of Photoshopping the pillion policemans number from his cap and also slightly blurring his facial features. This is to save face, if youll pardon the pun. Its also to stop people thinking of good lottery numbers. It is just possible the two upstanding members of the local constabulary had been summoned to attend a major incident that required their presence as quickly as possible and so they decided they could save eight to 10 seconds of time by not bothering to put on their helmets. They might not be traffic policemen, that is, those charged with standing on street corners at different times of the month (usually wearing their helmets even when dismounted) to pull over miscreants without helmets. This pair might argue that their skulls are not like ordinary mortals and are thick enough to withstand impacting the tarmac. They might have a point.
We are not highway coppers
06 Pattaya One
Norwegian has lucky escape from kidnappers

chase. The car crashed into the side of another Baht bus on Thappraya Road but the five men were uninjured and attempted to escape on foot, hiding out in the grounds of the View Talay 2 complex. The police eventually rounded them up and took them to the Soi 9 station. Here it was no surprise to find they were not police officers and the car they were driving had been fitted with false number plates, which is a little better than no plates at all. Unusually for people who have been caught, they didnt want to be forthcoming about who had probably paid them to kidnap Mr Holtekjolen, who is apparently quite well off in financial terms.
Korean standover men stood down
I knew they were not police by the way they were dressed
In late December a group of five Thai males attempted to abduct a 53-year-old Norwegian national, Mr Svein Holtekjolen. The Norwegian, a property developer in Pattaya, had spent the evening on Walking Street with his son, taking in the many cultural sights. A few hours past midnight when some of the nocturnal establishments were closing up for the night, Mr Holtekjolen and his son strolled to Second Road and boarded a Baht bus in order to go home. Just past Soi 13 on Second Road a sedan drove in front of the Baht bus, forcing it to stop. Four men exited the vehicle and claimed they were police officers who were going to arrest one of the passengers on his vehicle. Its not known if the baht bus driver wanted to be paid his 10 baht before the alleged miscreant was removed. When the four men attempted to arrest Mr Holtekjolen he demanded they produce identification. This was not forthcoming and instead they tried to manhandle him out of the Baht bus. He resisted their attempts and after a short struggle the men gave up and returned to their vehicle, ordering the driver to speed off. Mr Holtekjolen then contacted the real police and explained what had happened, giving a description of the car and its number plates. Patrolling officers spotted the vehicle in the Jomtien area and gave
All our bags are packed and we are ready to go

Two South Korean nationals were arrested by Crime Suppression Police on the strength of complaints made by fellow South Koreans. Police Captain Pornsak , a man with a somewhat onomatopoeic name, led a team of officers to a hotel in Soi 11 off Second Road in central Pattaya where they felt the collars of Mr Cho Beon Jun, aged 32, and Mr. Ji Un Ho, aged 33. Inside their room, evidence, including Thai and Korean currency, gold jewelry, two counterfeit passports, six mobile phones and a stun gun were found. They could easily have passed off the gold jewelry, the mixed currency and the mobile phones, but having counterfeit passports and a stun gun tend to muddy the case for the defence a tad. The stun gun is thought to have been used during a series of as-
There is enough wedge here to make Kim Jong ill

saults and robberies committed by the men in conjunction with the help of two Thai accomplices, who have yet to be found. Police said they had received numerous complaints about the pair. Their modus operandi would be to befriend fellow Korean tourists and invite them to a restaurant and then take them home in a minibus. The minibus should have been a giveaway; no sane person ever gets into one these unless they have no choice. Instead of taking the tourists back to their hotel, they would be taken to a remote area and threatened with the stun gun. All valuable items in their possession would be handed over and the tourists would then be left in the remote area by the four men. Police are now searching for the two Thai accomplices.
Masking tape and bolt cutters as well as dodgy number plates

Naturally, all five men had mobile phones and after police checked through them to find corresponding lists of phone calls made and received they settled on one person who they felt was, in the parlance of the police, of interest. He is a 37-year-old Thai male, but police were not convinced he was the mastermind, instead concentrating their motives on a couple of people well known to Mr Holtekjolen who may have hoped to extract a decent sum of money from him once he had been abducted. As of going to press there had been no further updates regarding this unusual story; but then, this is Pattaya, and so often stories just melt away.
Teenage female pimp collared in undercover operation

A 17-year-old Thai female pimp, suspected of controlling 30 young prostitutes, was arrested by Pattaya Immigration officials using an immigration volunteer in an undercover operation. The entrepreneurial teenager was contacted and provided a 16-year-old girl for an agreed price of 2,000 Baht. The operation took place in Soi 12 off Central Pattaya Road. Before any mattress action could take place the suspected pimp and the 16-year-old suspected prostitute, who was in possession of the 2,000 Baht, were arrested. Apparently, 500 baht of the amount was to be paid by the 16-year-old to the pimp as commission, a rather healthy 25 percent. Back at the police station the young pimp claimed she controlled around 30 young girls who she would send to foreign customers and local government officials. For some reason she was not prepared to name the government officials. The Immigration officers appeared happy enough to let the allegations of local government public servant involvement slide through to the bottom of the deck, but they did express a keen desire to have a chat with any of her foreign customers. Perhaps the foreigners will prove easier to deal with in terms of financial solvency, and they dont have the clout of local officials.
Water-ing Street
This photograph shows how even the Walking Street 7:11 sales traffic has changed this high season, with a marked increase in mostly non-boozing Arab tourists visiting Pattaya and promenading on the street at night, slaking their thirsts with water. The accompanying photo, taken at 1am, shows that bottled water is flying out of the fridges, whereas the Chang and Breezers (traditional Russian Fayre) were well stocked beside them.
Sobering Demand
Pattaya One 07
Private
Cradle-Snatchers?
The end of the year is when many Thai girls return from abroad with their expat husbands to visit family, so Pattayas full of ancient husbands with their young wives. I know we see decrepit old expats groping young girls every day, and they look gross, but at least they are usually on a short sexual arrangement, not marrying a girl young enough to be a daughter, or even granddaughter in some cases! The woman almost certainly doesnt love the man; surely he must realise that she is only interested in him as financial security? If an elderly man wishes to marry, why not someone his own age? Cathy Thais have a saying that goes something like Old buffalos like to eat young grass, and the world is full of old men who have a taste for young women. Western culture has a hang-up about old/young relationships ( particularly when the woman is the oldie), whereas other cultures dont consider it a problem. Dont most women desire financial security in a marriage?
Kris & Nois
No doubt some expats will tell you how they were overcharged, or the work was poor; well, these things do happen at times, even in their blessed homeland paradises, but we feel that you are best off with an authorised dealer.
Fun Lover
As a long-time Pattaya lover, I am sick of the miserable expats who are forever complaining about Pattaya, its infrastructure and its sex image. They go on and on about traffic, stalls on sidewalks, even the overhead cables! Who cares about these things? Most of us enjoy the free and easy atmosphere and sensual allure of the social scene, with its open-minded attitude towards all; whether gays, katoeys, or sexy girls, everyone is accepted here. These puritans want to turn Pattaya into just another tourist beach town like youll find anywhere in the world. The sex scene was here long before they came, so why the hell did they decide to live here? Cavalier People change, places change, and Pattaya cannot stand still; it would not survive solely on income from tourists chasing booze and crumpet. Many of the new arrivals are not as keen on the naughty scene as the traditional Pattaya punters, and some expats are eager to change Pattaya into a boring clone of western family resorts. But dont worry, however much these people whinge, Pattaya will always maintain some of its original horny mans playground themetheres no way that the authorities will totally kill off the attraction that made Pattaya rich.
Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com
An older man can often provide that, and perhaps he will be a better husband, more considerate and faithful, than a younger man. Some men may be divorced or widowed, or maybe just couldnt find a marriage partner in their own country; now they have a young wife and a new life. So the woman gets security and the man has a companion, a lifestyle which for some men beats boozing with a bunch of expats then buying a short time. In the western world, we forever hear of multi-millionaire, pensionable-age celebrities marrying leggy young totty. Well, a mature man from the normal working class can come to Thailand and marry a pretty young ladywhy should only the rich gits have all the fun? room. Im about to buy my first vehicle, a new pickup, from the same dealer, and as I havent any mechanical knowledge I plan to let him service it. But I have read that some expats claim dealers overcharge expats, and play such tricks as replacing parts that are still good. Just wondering what your experience is with dealers. Heathcliff Seeing as mechanical knowledge at this end is also non-existent, we can only comment from personal experience. After purchasing our first vehicle, my nephews boss, a garage owner, advised me Take it every six months to Toyota, let them look after it. So that was it, and in nine years we never had a major breakdown. Whenever parts required replacing, the foreman always came to explain the reason, and the price. All service costs and spare parts are price listed, so there isnt any overcharging. We have had the same treatment with Honda, and the other major dealers will be the same. With a diesel, you are not likely to encounter much trouble anyway.
Service with a Smile

Last week I went with my sister-inlaw when her car was serviced by the authorised dealer. I was very impressed with the whole thing told her what the cost would be before they started work, clean service area that looked to be running smoothly, and very good facilities in the customer waiting
Myawaddy in quieter days

20,000, the approximate number of Burmese refugees who fled across the Moei River from Myawaddy into the Thai border town of Mae Sot in one day during November 2010 when the Burmese army began attacking elements of the Democratic Karen Buddhist Army. Stray shells landed inside Thailand, wounding five Thais and five Burmese nationals. International aid agencies praised the efforts of the Thai security forces in taking care of such a large number of unexpected refugees. Fighting at
43 7 61 9 By the 8 NUMBERS
a village called Walay, south of Mae Sot, and the Three Pagodas Pass in Kanchanaburi province saw more than 3,000 refugees cross into Thailand to escape the fighting. 14,000 children aged from birth up to 14 years were living with HIV, according to a 2007 report by UNICEF. The early and widespread use of the drug AZT from the late 1990s onwards in Thailand has helped lead to a reduction of the rate of motherto-child HIV infection to just eight
percent of cases, according to the World Bank. 10 times less fish in the Gulf of Thailand in 1995 than there were in 1965. This is primarily due to overfishing caused in large part by sea trawlers whose nets sweep the ocean floor clean, of everything, and are able to work fairly close inshore. 1908, the year the first Thai criminal code was enshrined in legislation, introduced on 1 June. It included provisions for legal abortion.
20 percent, the estimated number of fishing industry workers in Thailand who have been trafficked from neighbouring countries such as Burma and Cambodia and forced to work for little wages and in poor conditions. Trafficking also takes place within Malaysia with Burmese, Cambodians and Thais compelled to work as virtual slaves. Local government officials are allegedly often complicit in the trade. 40 percent, the estimated gap between water demand and supply in Asia by 2030, according to the Asian Development Bank. The UN cultural body UNESCO suggested 1.3 billion people lacked potable water with 27 million deaths caused by waterborne disease. In 2010, a water emergency was declared in 53 Thai provinces, causing delays in planting rice. Cant wait for Songkran.
08 Pattaya One
Living Healthy in Pattaya

By Khun Dee
Are you too short for your weight? Its not a laughing matter; nor is it simply a cosmetic issue. If youre a little plump you may be facing a premature death. In fact, just a few kilos of excess weight puts you more at risk of dying, according to a new report in The New England Journal of Medicine. Based on the results of 19 longterm studies on weight, researchers concluded that people with a body mass index (measurement of weight related to height) of 22.5 to 24.9 benefit from the lowest death rates. People with a BMI of 25 to 29.9 had death rates 13% higher. And those with a BMI of 30 to 39.9 were 44% to 88% more likely to die. The majority of Pattayas expats appear to fall into the more perilous last two categories. The BMI is calculated using both height and weight. It is a guide to the amount of body fat someone has. It has long been established that a healthy BMI is between 20 and 25. A BMI between 25 and 29.9 is overweight, and over 30 is defined as obese. A BMI of 30 or more
Lose Weight or Die
TopiCAl Thailand
Thailand in the Worlds Press
THAI WAItRESS GEtS DEAtH FOR DRUG tRAFFICKING TOYOtA PRIUS pRODUCtION BEGINS IN THAILAND
The International Business Times reported that the worlds most popular hybrid car has broken new ground after the Toyota Motor Thailand Company held a ceremony at its Gateway Plant in Chachoengsao Province to mark the start of production. The Toyota Prius plant will produce around 12,000 units annually with sales expected to begin as immediately. The vehicle will be priced from 1,190,000 baht to 1,270,000 baht in Thailand. boarded a flight from Buenos Aires in Argentina to the KL International Airport (KLIA) before going to the bus terminal to make her way to Thailand. Thestar.com.my reported from Kuala Lumpur that a 26-year-old Thai woman who swallowed 98 capsules containing cocaine was sent to the gallows after a High Court found her guilty of drug trafficking. Phrueksa Taemchim, who works as a waitress in Thailand, did not react when the sentence was translated to her by an interpreter. Defence counsel K. Viknes told the court that his client was a first-time offender and had a child in Thailand. Phrueksa was charged with trafficking 713.8gm of cocaine at the Puduraya bus terminal at about 8.30am on 3 July 2009. It was learned that she had Interest in the environment and energy saving technologies has been growing in Thailand and the start of production and sales follows the Thai production and sales of the Camry Hybrid saloon car in 2009. It is the first time the third generation Prius has been produced outside Japan despite topping two million cumulative sales around the world at the end of September 2010.
is over 35% higher than your ideal body weight. Overweight adults of all ages have an increased risk of getting high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and some cancers. Now this study adds premature death to that list of consequence. In their research, scientists looked at groups of people who never smoked and did not have a diagnosis of heart disease or cancer. They adjusted the information for peoples age, exercise level, alcohol consumption and education, among other things, to ensure that such factors did not influence the results. The study included all causes of death, not just heart disease or cancer. If you are prone to gaining weight, take proactive steps to keep your BMI at reasonable levels. Recognize that losing weight later will be much more difficult than preventing weight gain now. Your basic formula consists of eating healthy foods, limiting calories, and exercising regularly. That must
become a focus of your daily life. For those who already are overweight, it is vital that you eat fewer calories than you burn up each day. Be realistic and be patient; losing weight can take a long time. It will help if you... Set realistic goals that you have a good chance to meet. Otherwise you are likely to get discouraged and give up. Increase your daily exercise and activity. Use the stairs instead of the elevator. Walk to the store instead of getting in the car or on a motorbike. Go for a bicycle ride. Get into
the habit of walking at least 30 minutes every day (twice a day is even better). Join a gym. There are many ways to move more throughout the day. Diet sensibly. Remember that this is a long-term battle. It does not make sense to go on a crash diet. You are more likely to succeed in the long run if you make sensible changes in what and how much you eat. Increase your intake of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and fish. Drink lots of water. Avoid red meat, processed foods, white rice, sugar, salt and saturated fat. If you go off your diet one day, just get back on track the next. Remember, this is a long-term effort, and everyone overeats or binges from time to time.
To estimate your Body Mass Index (BMI), use one of the following formulas:
BMI = ( (Height in inches) x (Height in inches) ) x 703 BMI = ( (Height in Metres) x (Height in Metres) ) x 703
Weight in Kilograms
Weight in Pounds
SECOND pAIR OF ELEpHANt tWINS BORN IN THAILAND

3news.co.nz reported that a second pair of baby elephants were born in Thailand in 2010. The first pair of twins were males, born in captivity in northeastern Surin province in March.
The second set of twins were females born in Ban Mae Satop, a hilly jungle village in northern Chiang Mai province. Their 28-year-old mother, Kham Moon, has previously given birth twice. The new twins were born at Elephant Nature Park. The park allows elephants to roam in the open and in the jungle. They were born in middle of the night when the park owner, Kupor Sakchintadakul, heard the sound of a baby elephant at the spot where he left the twins pregnant mother earlier. Perhaps having consumed an early celebration skinful of ya dong, He did not realise the calves were twins at first. He said the first to be born had strayed into the bush while its mother was giving birth to the second. The wandering calf returned an hour later and the family were happily reunited.
Pattaya One 09
To which BaronCasey wittily retorted: Shame, I bet those ladies really miss having a mundane conversation with a pie-and-chip eating amateur boxer - know wot I mean arry... Englander then reported on a REAL fight on the soi: I was watching the football and witnessed a fight between two 70 year old Scandinavian chaps, they punched and moved in slow motion, sitting down for a rest every couple of minutes .... it went on for about 15 minutes and was an absolutely cracking bit of entertainment. But by now the thread had veered off into a criticism of not just Soi Bukhao, but of the whole Pattaya and Thailand tourism/sex-tourism industries, and the types who frequent the city. As an example of this wider debate, the words of Thaibeachlovers rang like satang in empty cheap-charlie Chang bottles: No matter how people try and dress it up, theres only one reason to visit/ live in Pattaya. I really wish farangs that dont like Pattaya the way it is/was went elsewhere, and left it for those that do like it. Who are these people that think they are so important that the world should be changed to the way they want it? Do they really believe the rubbish they are speaking when they say theyre here because of the golf courses/ restaurants/ shopping/ quality accommodation, and the girls/ ladyboys/ boys should be banished because it gives a bad impression? To them, get a life (somewhere else), please. And then I realized what lies behind much of the pro and anti brigades arguments about Soi Bukhao. It is caught in the middle of the online battle being raged between lovers of the old Pattaya and the people who wish Pattaya would move more upmarket, or who believe it already has, and Soi Bukhao is an unwelcome reminder of the past. Online posters trading in wider Pattaya stereotypes like to believe that Soi Bukhao is a lowlife-infested slum, housing the worst kind of Pattaya sex tourist and broke longstayers the city doesnt need. Others, who know the soi well, believe it has a wide variety of frequenters and attractions, and its not just the old Pattaya sexpats who mooch around there, and they deeply resent the prevailing stereotype. Thats why reading the online Soi Bukhao threads is so much fun. All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@pattayaone.net
Whats the Big Deal with Soi Bukhao? (Part 2)

We left the last edition midway through a verbal boxing match, a very punchy Thai Visa thread about Soi Bukhao called Soi Bukhao Likes and Dislikes? If a soi could sue for libel (and most things can in Thailand), this soi would never be out of court. I was trying to understand why Soi Bukhao invites such vitriol on the Pattaya forum boards, although I left off the last edition none the wiser, except now certain that it does indeed generate more abuse and anger on the boards, than any other soi in Pattaya. Therealmrbrightside starts us as we left it, with a haymaker: Something I have noticed, is every single expat I have got speaking to ANYWHERE in Pattaya who is skint, no job, bumming about Pattaya trying to extort money out of fellow farangs - lives in Soi Buckaow. Coincidence? (Clearly he hasnt met the Pattaya One writers) Jiu-Jitsu, also of the anti-soi brigade, commented on the sois apparent attractions: Believe it or not, not everyone visits Pattaya to take advantage of women of easy virtue and to dine on a poor imitation of English style food. In answer to which Soi Sauce (clearly a supporter of this saucy soi) asked: What do they go to Pattaya for, then? If it was Thailands beautiful beaches, culture, and all the rest that TAT tell us about, they aint gonna find it in Patttaya. Hua Hin, Cha Am, Phuket, Samui etc, yes. Patts, No! Taking a swipe at what he saw as the hypocritically snobby attitudes to Soi Bukhao from Pattaya habitues, he also added: I hear theres also snobbism among junkies. Effin crackheads, sez the smackhead. Seems we got it here, too. Soi Sauce also firmly fought back against people criticizing Soi Bukhao residents from the luxury of their posh Pattaya seaview condos; who had a view of all the yaba head freelancers strolling along the prom, but if thats your thing, good luck to ya. Bit downmarket for my liking.
ABOVE BAWD
IN PATTAYA
By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop
Sponsored by
Low Row or Low Blow?

At this point, Jiu-Jitsu threw some more fuel on the fire: overall its really just an unattractive, downmarket area populated by neer-do-wells in their three quarter trousers, football shirts and trainers; together with their equals. You cant polish a turd. thaibeachlovers, tried to throw sand on the flames, but succeeded in only widening up the debate: I dont understand how posters can be so brazen about condemning other people based on their looks, and choice of restaurant etc. Do they think only people that conform to their dress standards and bank balance should be allowed into Pattaya? Jiu Jitsu, sensing a throwdown, replied with an uncompromising post designed to send the pro brigade smacking onto the canvas: Calm down, calm down... The world is full of stereotypes. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck.... If they look like the kind of people that in my experience, I would wish to avoid, they probably are the people whom I would wish to avoid. I dont want to talk about their experience in a youth detention centre or Wormwood Scrubs, nor who played in the football game last night, how much they drank and especially not which sort they pulled from the bar last night. DanielToddGilbert, I presume a major league wind-up merchant, added: It appears that it must become easy to forget ones background when one arrives in Pattaya with the monies from the sale of a two up two down on a run-down council estate in Doncaster then builds oneself a detached house for a pittance near a slum and begins to believe one is actually affluent and sophisticated when the truth of the matter is, if one really is like one would like to believe, one would be living in Monte Carlo not Pattaya. Rgs2001uk, detailing a precise knowledge of the content of Soi Bukhao drinkers conversations, although not being a fan of them or the soi, continued: Many soon forget and reinvent themselves, usually as real estate developers or investment advisors. After meeting their soul mate, who was of course working as a cashier at the bank where they cashed their giros these content happy chappies can often be found in local farang watering holes, bitching and moaning about their wife, the wifes family, the heat, the spicy food, no decent beer, cant trust anyone, many suffering from paranoia, everyones out to rip them off. Ah soi Buakao, where dreams can become reality. Broken promises, broken hearts, broken bank accounts, broken dreams and in some more extreme cases broken men. HarryLime launched a pithy attack on Pattayas snooty contingent: I love the Pattaya snobs. King of the worlds largest brothel are you? Too funny. Englander said: I go to Soi Bukhao once a month to hit the boxing gym and have a few days eating decent priced English food, I can genuinely say I dont frequent the girly bars and dont wish to have the same mundane conversation time and again.
10 Pattaya One
By Street Stoller
I have been trying to convince readers that theres more to Pattaya Beach Road (PBR) than scammers and thieves, and that the place is also full of art. After the traditional Thai art featured in my last column, I thought a review of more modern art on PBR would be interesting, so I set off down there, camera in hand, to bring back some photos, and I was surprised by the amount of art I had previously walked past and ignored, or not really focused on before.
Pattaya Focus on ......

Pattaya Beach Road Art (Continued)
Rusty fish eats endangered coral

Coral is so versatile when its dead. Some of it features great chunks of endangered coral, but hey ho, this is Pattaya, and it writes its own rules. And what more fitting way for PBR to yet again metaphorically thumb its nose at the world, laws and conventions, than to flaunt this artistic use of coral from who knows where, as art. And at least looking at the coral is far more aesthetically pleasing than looking at the spalling, peeling, ugly concrete mess also known as the base of the fountain at the Central Road junction. Why not just strip the disgusting concrete off it and paint it with weatherproof paint? Or is that too much to ask? I find it inconceivable that this unsightly mess is allowed to decay in plain sight. Unless its a metaphor for much else wrong in the city, and thereby constitutes a vital piece of Pattaya performance art, as its cheap, thin veneer slowly peels, revealing its even uglier interior. Then again if Damian Hirst had done it as an ironic piece, people would be praising it to the heavens and stealing bits off it by now. Or maybe they are
Spalling concrete Junk
In terms of innovation, my favourite piece is the one depicting water pouring from a bowl, (see photo bottom left). The bowl is suspended in the air, as a stream of water gushes out of it. This plays a trick on the mind, until you realize the water is what secures the piece to the earth. I quite like the green-glazed and tiled pieces on PBR, the three best ones are pictured here. It took me a while to realize they are artistically linked by the representations of waves on the glazed tiles. And finally, some more earthy modern art. Fine examples of tagging and stenciling - and robustly free expression.
My favourite piece it plays with your mind.
Ceramic Waves
I like the colours and designs on the bowls.
A glaze and coral contraption
Modern art forms tagging and stenciling.
Next Edition: Art and architecture on other side of Pattaya Beach Road
Pattaya One 11
12 Pattaya One
Pattaya One 13
14 Pattaya One
Pattaya One 15
THE
HOW ABOUT SOME PIZZA?
Just about everyone I know loves pizza; and they all have very strong opinions about which places have the best pies. As a native New Yorker, classic NY style, Neapolitan pizza is the real deal for me. A nice, thin round pie with mozzarella and parmesan cheeses, tomato sauce and, perhaps, some anchovy topping is akin to heaven for me. Bostonians and Chicagoans have their deep dish variations. Then, theres Sicilian style, thick crusted pizza and other authentic Italian variations. As for Pizza Hut and Pizza Company: Fuggedaboutit! Pizzeria Italia (aka Non Solo Spaghetti), in the heart of Jomtien Complex at the intersection of Thappraya Road, is one of my favourites. They offer a large variety of individual pizzas with lots of different toppings. I usually go with the Margarita Pizza, which is a plain tomato sauce and cheese pie. The crust is chewy and the cheese is stringy; almost like an authentic New York pizza. They also offer a big choice of Italian pastas, specialties and salads at reasonable prices. If you dont think this is great Italian pizza, Ill send my cousin Irving to break your fingers. (I never claimed to be Italian.)
FRUGAL
GOURMAND
small sizes and prices are very reasonable. Not gourmet, but not bad; and they arrive quickly. The crusts are crispy, not chewy. If your order comes to 155 baht or more, delivery is free. You cant beat that. Finally, I schlepped all the way from Jomtien to Naklua to try the offerings at New York Pizza House (nypizzahouse.com), located on Naklua Road in the Heritage Plaza. The owner, Jeffrey Constantino, formerly ran a pizzeria in upstate New York, USA. Theres al fresco and indoor seating. The dining room is decorated with photographs of NYC, Little Italy, etc. While waiting for our order, we were treated to the melodious sounds of the chef pounding the dough and then flinging it in the air. A medium pizza, at 190 baht, is more than enough for one person. Toppings are 30 baht each. I opted for a medium pie with extra cheese (40 baht) and anchovies. My friend had a pepperoni pizza, which he enjoyed immensely. Was it as good as The Original Rays in Manhattan? Im not sure, but it was quite delicious and authentic. We also tried the medium buffalo wings which were very tasty, indeed. Next time, though, Ill opt for the hot wings. Gastronomically, Pattaya has come a long way over the last decade. Pizza is no exception.
New York Pizza in Pattaya

Prices for individual pizzas run in the 200 baht range. Volterra (504/17 Soi VC), situated off Soi VC, on Soi Yensabai Mansion, in South Pattaya, serves authentic Italian food along with delicious pizzas. Owner and Chef, Michele Magni, personally prepares all of the dishes. Many of the ingredients are imported from Italy. My friend always opts for the pizza topped with spicy (but not too spicy) salami; and raves that its the best pizza in Pattaya. I usually choose the Napoli Pizza, which is topped with anchovies and capers. Again, these are thin crusted, chewy pies. With a coke or a beer, youll get change from your 300 baht. By the way, these pizzas are larger than the ones served at Pizzeria Italia and you may even take a couple of slices home. When you need a break from shopping, Spicchio Pizza can be found in several food courts throughout Pattaya, including Carrefour (soon to be Big C); Royal Garden Plaza and Central Festival Pattaya Beach. Their pizza is sold by the slice and isnt bad. However, it does lose something from the reheating process. Nick the Pizza (nickthepizza. com) will deliver a passable pizza to your door. They come in large and
Quick crossword (solution on page 18)
Across 1 In prison (6,4) 7 Inauspicious (7) 8 Approximate rudimentary (5) 10 Major international fair (4) 11 Struggle clumsily flatfish (8) 13 By (word of) mouth (6) 15 Confused (6) 17 Opening (8) 18 Devon river (4) 21 Clean by hard rubbing (5) 22 Excitingly attractive quality (7) 23 Tie the knot (3,7) Down 1 Airship barrage balloon (5) 2 Catchy phrase in a pop song (4) 3 In a prying manner (6) 4 French wine region (8) 5 Circular emblem (heraldry) (7) 6 Take place (4,2,4) 9 Genetic (10) 12 Ralph cut (anag) Greek biographer (8) 14 Inspiring fear (7) 16 Vivid promising smart (6) 19 Keep away from (5) 20 Impulsive eruption (4)
Everything bUt a pizza slicer
16 Pattaya One

disco on Pattaya Central Road, near Krung Thai Bank) at their Funny Foam Party on 15 January. Theyll be welcoming the Year of the Rabbit. Hot shows are on tap, as well. Why is one pole dancing emporium filled with punters while the one next door or down the soi is as empty as a yellow shirt rally in Isaan? One obvious answer is the quality of the young men dancing on the stage. In some bars, the boys look like theyre standing asleep. In others, they move around a bit, make some eye contact and smile. Some places only have one type of guy; femme, he-man, etc. This can cause a problem if youre a Muscle Mary but your friend likes girly boys. In my humble opinion, the pole dancing studio that offers all types of boys in briefs is on the right track. Funny Boys, in Boyz Town (Pattayaland Soi 3), keeps their music low, making it possible to have a conversation; has comfortable seating; has a bevy of cute, friendly young men and usually seems to have more than a few customers. When you sit down, youre offered a wet towel and hand sanitizer. They also provide nuts with your drink, even before one of the dancing guys offers you his.
GAYMARCH
Email: gaymarchpattayaone@gmail.com
Yes, there IS a gay bar on Walking Street: I always wondered why there was such a dearth of gay pole dancing emporiums on Sin Citys premier centre of debauchery. A few boy bars have come and gone, but they seemed more geared toward heterosexual couples than friends of Dorothy; and of course, there are katoey bars such as Jenny Star on the sin strip. Now, situated (appropriately) near Soi BJ, is G-U-Y Club, under the same management as Wild West Boys on Pattayaland Soi 2. Its one shop house in width and has a cave like ambiance. Theres a small platform adjacent to the bar, with room for one or two dancing lads. The guys were clad in jeans and were shirtless. They also had a couple of ladyboy servers. On the two occasions that I visited, there were only a handful of customers. According to the staff I spoke to, the place tends to get crowded after midnight. They have a show at 1:30 am, which is apparently the same as the one at Wild West Boys. Compared to Boyz Town, Walking Street is so crowded, vibrant and lively. Id love to see some gay-oriented palaces there. Who says boy bars have to be in gay ghettos? Lets hope they get some gay patronage so they dont revert to a girlie bar in the near future. Speaking of Wild West Boys, theyll be presenting their Mr. Cowboy Contest on 29 January. The Bondi (on Jomtien Beach) was packed, on 6 January, for their Three Kings Day charity event. The popular singers, Willie and Mandy, started things off; followed by the very sexy Nab Boy dancers, who really got the crowd worked up. The audience also reacted quite positively to the campy divas, Miss JJ; Glamour; Lucy Lastic and Dolly John. A raffle and handbag auction netted 35,000 baht for the TAKE CARE!! charity. David Boys (Pattayaland Soi 1) will have their official grand opening on 15 January, featuring the
Not quite Tina Turner. Miss Dolly John at the Bondi

Mr. David No. 1 Contest. Punters will have the chance to win prizes including a 20,000 baht gold necklace. On the same soi is Cupidol Boys, which will present their Miss Queen of Cupidol contest on 31 January. Big cash prizes are promised. You can get all lathered up at The Dave Man Club (late night
Pattaya: One Rainbow What is in a word?

By James Barnes
A deceptively simple question: how is being gay defined? The question was prompted by not so simple, semantics. Thai guys who have boyfriends often state, confusingly but emphatically, that they are, Not gay, I am a man. It will take a lot of bonce scratching for the average farang to make sense of this statement but the answer is easy. Its all about plumbing. Pitching or catching as our American cousins would put it. Active or passive. Top or bottom. The sexual role. Those Thai guys with boyfriends who declare that they are not gay are actually saying that they are pitchers, active, tops. Their catcher, passive, bottom partner is, gay. Maybe this position derives from the tossed word salad that comes from the unfathomable bowl of Thai culture that is still overwhelmingly patriarchal despite the obvious dominatrix tendencies of Thai wives who seem to rule the domestic roost with iron marigolds. Throw in the various definitions of fem, ladyboy and katoey and your word salad is more hotly contended than Som Tam recipes in Issan. Moreover, if our top Thai guy is a man, what does that make a Thai guy with a wife? Ahead of you on the obvious answer there so dont bother! So, what does it mean to be gay for farangs? Homosexual? Definitively not. The dictionary states that this is a same sex physical attraction. It makes no mention of an emotional dimension. Nothing about love and who wants to be sorely, solely defined by what they get up to between the sheets, in the darkroom or in the sauna? This is one instance where the Politically Correct Enforcement Brigade has full permission to wade in, slap on the chrome cuffs and cart offenders off to the iron bar hotel. Gay men are homosexual but being homosexual is not being gay, or as the more modern activists may say, Queer. Some assert that being gay is a lifestyle. If they are more ignorant
than the average Russian tourist in Pattaya, they will say its a lifestyle choice. Lifestyle is a lazy, glib term made into a faux concept and fashionable in the 1980s (thats 30 years ago but havent we all aged so beautifully?). Being gay is no more of a lifestyle than being straight. Lifestyle does not cut the mustard let alone the aioli. Being gay is an innate and unalterable sensibility. It is a certain receptivity. A responsive aware-
ness. A feeling. It can be creative too. All those clichs about window dressers, hairdressers, dress designers, artists and artistes, actors, singers and writers (blush) are only clichs because they are true. Being gay is a resourceful rainbow, multi-coloured, multilayered, beautiful and beau. Three letters. One syllable. Gay. So much in that word. James Barnes is editor-in-chief of OUT in Thailand Magazine.
BeLLwetherEnd
By Mike Bell
When I first started scribbling, I showed some of my early work to a fellow writer; a professional who wrote regularly for some local publications. He gave me a couple of pieces of advice which Ive never forgotten try as I might. Look, no one is interested in your witty memoirs no matter how well they are written. The bulk of your readership will be grumpy old men whose three main concerns in life are: the baht exchange rate; the state of their prostate; and semirelated, that funny itch at the end of their willy. Confine your stories to Pattaya or at the very least Thailand. His second piece of advice was even more daunting: No editor is going to take a chance on a new regular columnist without a years worth of material. He went on to explain the other dreaded disease round here: writers block. This must not be confused with writers cramp which you can get with overworking your wrist. Stop sniggering you at the back who overworks their own wrist in Pattaya? This has meant, if youll pardon the expression, beavering away trying to come up with Pattaya-based ideas, spending hours researching in Soi 6, canvassing family members (if youll pardon yet another deliberate double entendre), neighbours, local working girls which was a real chore, all in the pursuit of scholarship, fame and money. Many writers get their ideas in the toilet or driving a car. Many of mine occur to me when I am in bed. Id explained my troubles to
The
Pattaya One 17
Lost in Translation
Lek and I could tell she was cogitating by the rhythmic movement of her fingers. Id struck a common chord when I mentioned the pursuit of money. Apparently she had been just the same when she was young. Her words illuminated the dark. Easy. Say farang story but make Thai name. In a flash I had it. Endless supplies of material: starting with Nursery Rhymes, on to Disney films, finally culminating in Steven Spielberg. I was so excited by Leks cogitations that I wanted to begin there and then. She fixed me, however with a steely eye, First we talk commission. So, an Australian tourist visited Thailand for the first time. He had delayed the trip for years because he had the second-most shameful secret an Aussie can have: he was still unknown to woman. (The first is being known to man.) All his mates told him of this wonderful place called Pattaya which was carpeted with wall-to-wall beauties, eager to relieve him of his shame, amongst other things. He found himself at the top of Soi 6 on his first night, wracked with nerves and tension. Amongst his anxieties were premature ejaculation and the opposite, impotence. A mate had helped him with the latter by recommending some chemical assistance. Hed taken two, to be on the safe side. The same mate had told him he was to speak to Lek in Saigon Girls and to be brutally honest about his problem. She was not easy to find: some of the girls told him it was Leks night off. Others claimed to be Lek but they did not have the required butterfly tattoo to prove it. She eventually appeared in the company of a red-faced and fat guy who left abruptly. Over a beer the Aussie explained his situation. She was skeptical at first. Farang go hok. Never know farang who not boomboom lady Thai or you have shameful secret? He assured her he was not now, or ever had been, gay and that he had never boom-boomed a lady of any nationality. Eventually he convinced her of his sincerity and thought he detected a gleam of interest in her eye, though it might have been a trick of the light. She led him upstairs to a dingy bedroom. First we shower then we boom-boom. The Aussie could barely contain himself and eventually was sent back along the corridor
to the bedroom a threadbare towel barely concealing his excitement, whilst Lek completed her ablutions alone. An age seemed to pass before she slid seductively through the door and her mouth fell open. The room had been stripped: the bed was propped against one wall; all the other furniture had been piled to one side, leaving a great empty space in the middle of the room. Lek thought she had seen everything before but even she thought this was a bit kinky. You say you never go with lady before; why you want all this room? I told you the truth, he replied breathlessly. I aint never been with a lady before but if its anything like screwing a kangaroo, were going to need all the room we can get! BOOM BOOM.
WHERE TO fINd PAttAYA ONE

FOODLAND SUPERMARKET, Central Pattaya Rd CARREFOUR SUPERMARKET, Central Pattaya Rd TOPS SUPERMARKET, Central Pattaya Rd FOODMART SUPERMARKET, Thappraya Road, Jomtien In front of KASIKORN BANK, Soi 3 Beach Rd, Jomtien All 17 SE-ED BOOKSTORES (eg, Carrefour, Central Pattaya Rd; Tukcom, South Pattaya Rd; Tesco-Lotus, North Pattaya Rd) TESCO-LOTUS convenience store, Soi Khao Talo NORTH PATTAYA BUS STATION newsagent Bookazine, Bangkok Hospital Pattaya, North Pattaya Most outdoor news vendors from Naklua to Jomtien Selected 7-Eleven and Family Mart convenience stores Free on-line at: www.pattayaone.net www.thaivisa.com (as a free download in PDF format)
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Call 0848-635445 or aelwyn@hotmail.com
18 Pattaya One

measures from the ignominy into which they have sunk. The Tsow Sanuk Security Plan offers passengers a choice of three options: a full-body X-ray scan, a conventional manual pat-down,or the Thai Experience. The security area will contain the usual X-ray facilities and a lineup of beefy pat-down officials, scowling pugnaciously and wearing rubber gloves as they prepare to assault their victims. But just beyond this Orwellian horror, the walls will be lined with attractively decorated massage cubicles. Upon refusing the full-body X-ray and conventional pat-down, the recalcitrant male passenger will be ushered into a chamber, chastely veiled from outside observation, where a radiantly beautiful Thai masseuse will greet him with a graceful wai and a shy Sawatdee kha! Gently undressing him and murmuring soothing reassurances, she will bid him lie down on a table. Once he is relaxed and comfortable, she will apply fragrant oils and give him a full-body massage. As she works, an aide will surreptitiously go through his clothes and underwear to make sure they contain no explosive materials. Sweet music will waft in the background to enhance the ambiance, and the fragrance of jasmine and hibiscus blossoms will pervade the air. During the procedure, the masseuse will carefully probe for suspicious lumps in the passengers stomach, breasts, and buttocks that might conceal explosives beneath the skinpossibly packets of Semtex, C-4, or PETN. She will also implement visual and manual inspection of those intimate orifices in which

the passenger might have hidden a grenade, a stick of dynamite, a bomb, a land mine, or even a thermonuclear warhead. Obviously our highly qualified masseuses will have to receive special training in sensitive exploratory techniques designed to avoid detonating the explosives in question. Those magic fingers must tiptoe cautiously: there might be a bomb in there! It wouldnt do to have passengers exploding in the security area. Nowadays passengers emerge from airport security procedures seething with indignation. When they emerge from the Thai Experience, they will be smiling and happy. Once more, flying on commercial airliners will be regarded as a pleasure to be anticipated rather than an ordeal to be feared. There is, of course, a problem. Nobody will want to go through the full-body scanner or the standard pat-down procedure: everyone will clamor for the Thai Experience. For that reason, a modest surcharge may have to be levied on those who opt for it. (I get a commission.) Some may object to this additional cost. But in an era when airlines charge you for your baggage and your meals and even a pillow, and are now thinking of charging you every time you go to the toilet or even stand up to stretch, will they be demanding too much when they ask you to pay for the Thai Experience? S. Tsow can be scolded at s.tsow@ ymail.com, except when hes promoting the Thai Experience among the airports of the world.
A SaNUK SOLUTION TO THE PaT-dOwN PRObLEM

By S. Tsow
Recently there was a big fuss in the United States over excessively aggressive airport security pat-down procedures. Nowadays all passengers have to go through a full-body X-ray scanner at some American airports. If they refuse, theyre offered the option of a rigorous manual pat-down by a security official of the same gender. If they refuse even that, they dont get on the plane. This sad situation highlights one of the great shortcomings of the U.S. government and all its agencies. They have no imagination, no sense of fun. This makes them guilty of the greatest sin in the Thai lexicon. They are too serious (usually pronounced seriot in Thailand). In this case, they have turned airport security procedures from a fun experience that might be approached with joy and laughter into a grim ordeal evoking anxiety, dread, and shame. A San Diego software engineer named John Tyner gained fame on the Internet by opting for the patdown and warning the inspecting official not to touch his junk. As an old dude, I am out of touch with the latest slang, but this demeaning term appears to refer to certain delicate organs in the nether regions of the male anatomy that used to be referred to by a quaint euphemism: the family jewels. Tyner wasnt allowed to board the plane. He was detained and threatened with a civil suit and a $10,000 fine if he left the security area, but he left anyway. Feisty fellows, these software engineers. Such ugly confrontations could easily be avoided if the U.S. government possessed the imagination to employ beautiful young women to pat down male passengers, and handsome young men to pat down the female ones. No man worthy of the name would object to having his junk touched by a demure lady official who looked like Jessica Alba, Denise Richards, or Angelina Jolie. Nor would most women object to being patted down by a stud-muffin resembling Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, or George Clooney. Heres where Thailand can make a great contribution to airport security, and Ive devised a plan to do it. Our massage industry is famous throughout the world for providing a pleasurable experience in the Thai spirit of sanuk (fun). It can easily rescue the current crude security
THAI Lite
Quick crossword solution
Pattaya One 19
Since Pattaya Ones first edition, only three months ago, we have had well over 750,000 individual page reads and over 275,000 individual readers on the Pattaya One News site and over 25,000 downloads on the Thai Visa website, as well as tens of thousands of reads of the individual Pattaya One columns. These figures are verifiable. Our readership is truly local, national and global and we and our advertisers - are delighted with
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the reaction to our paper, its internet readership and the positive feedback we have received so far to both online and hard copies. All the internet copies hosted on Pattaya One News and the Thai Visa sites site carry our advertising, so our internet readers are also viewing our advertisers copy as well. We are constantly trying to improve the paper, but our print copies are disappearing fast wherever we put them, and we circulate all 5,000 copies in Pattaya. Advertisers, if you want to make your advertising budget go further, and to reach a huge local, national and international readership with Pattaya One, please contact Howard on 087 747 8555 or email advertising@pattayaone.net to find out more about what we know to be the most competitive rates in town. Be a part of our success.
20 Pattaya One
MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

1 PALMERS 2 BOWLING GREEN 3 CHEERS 4 OFFSHORE BAR 5 RISING SUN 6 THE LONDONER 7 NOM'S BAR 8 NERVOUS WRECK 9 W. TANKIE 10 LEGENDS 754 749 715 681 673 665 653 643 598 496
3 January 2011 email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com B/F 03 Jan 10 Jan 17 Jan 24 Jan 31 Jan 07 Feb 14 Feb 21 Feb Total Total Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Score Points
93 91 76 58 53 50 44 44 29 11 84 84 88 83 78 78 76 75 69 41 10 10 12 7 6 6 4 3 2 1 838 833 803 764 751 743 729 718 667 537 103 101 88 65 59 56 48 47 31 12
WEDNESDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

1 CHEERS 2 W. TANKIE 3 NERVOUS WRECK 4 SHAGWELL MANSION 5 BOWLING GREEN 6 THE LONDONER 7 PALMERS 8 RISING SUN 9 OFFSHORE 10 QUEEN VICTORIA 11 THE BUNKER 3 3 3 3 2 2 2 2 1 1 1
05 Jan 12 Jan 19 Jan 26 Jan 02 Feb 09 Feb 16 Feb 23 Feb 02 Mar 09 Mar Total
Results for 5th January 2011

3 3 3 3 2 2 2 2 1 1 1
Percentage correct by round Geog. Sport History Movies Science Reading General All Average Team this week. 80.0% 84.3% 62.9% 72.9% 75.7% 88.6% 66.3% 75.6% Total: 75.6
R1Q6: Q: Namibe, Lobito and Benguela are towns on the Atlantic coast of which African country? A: Angola. Palmers appealed for Namibia. Wikipedia confirms that all three towns are in Angola. Appeal denied. R2Q4: Q: Which team position is found in Rugby Union but not in Rugby League? A: Flanker or Wing Forward. Palmers appealed for Lock Forward. According to Wikipedia this position is found in Rugby League but not in Rugby Union. Appeal denied. R3Q5: Q: In which African country is El Alamein, scene of a WW2 battle? A: Libya. Several teams appealed for Egypt. From Wikipedia: El Alamein (or Al Alamayn) is a town in northern Egypt. The quiz answer is wrong. Two points to Rising Sun, Palmers, Nervous Wreck, Nom's, Bowling Green, Legends and Offshore Two points deducted from Cheers and W. Offshore. W Tankie. Tankie R3Q7: Q: Poland was the first country occupied by Nazi Germany in WW2. Which was the last? A: Greece. Bowling Green appealed for Italy. Italy were allies of Germany throughout most of the war until they surrendered to The Allies in September 1943. Although there were a number of German troops stationed in Italy at the time it cannot be said to be an occupation as they had been invited there. And after the surrender there was no German invasion. Appeal denied. R5Q3: Q: In mathematics what is meant by three dots in a triangular formation? A: Therefore or Because. Cheers appealed for "Ergo". Ergo is Latin for therefore and is sometimes used in formal mathematics and logic. Appeal allowed - 2 points to Cheers. R5Q4: Q: The Aspen is from which family of trees? A: Poplar. Palmers appealed for Willow. According to Wikipedia, both Willows and Poplars are of the Salicaceae family (which would be the technically correct answer), but Poplars (which includes the Aspen) are of the genus Populus, whereas the Willow is of the genus Salix. Appeal denied. R7Q3: Q: The Valkyries are the nine handmaidens of whom? A: Odin. Nervous Wreck appealed for Brunhilde. From Wikipedia: Brynhildr [or Brunhilde] is a shieldmaiden and a valkyrie in Norse mythology. So she is a Valkyrie - appeal denied. Next week's matches 17th January 2011: Legends vs. Nom's, Nervous Wreck vs. Londoner, Offshore vs. Cheers, Rising Sun vs. Palmers, Bowling Green vs. W. Tankie.
Email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com
110 106 92 104 103 L
HOME Cheers The Londoner Nervous Wreck Rising Sun W. Tankie Bye
AWAY Offshore Bowling Green The Bunker Palmers Queen Victoria Shagwell Mansion
104 106 75 104 102 W
R2Q3 Q: Which castle was built where William the Conqueror first landed in England? A: Pevensey. Bowling Green appealed for Hastings, saying that Pevensey Castle was Roman. William landed at Pevensey Bay, and although there was already a Roman fort there, the castle was built later. From Wikipedia: Robert, Count of Mortain (half-brother to William the Conqueror of Normandy) was granted Pevensey shortly after the Norman Conquest. Mortain used the existing g fort as the basis for building g a castle around 1100. Appeal pp denied. R3Q3 Q: The TV Chef Gordon Ramsay played for which professional football club? A: Gordon Ramsay (!). Obviously a typo. The answer is of course Glasgow Rangers. Two points to all teams who put Rangers. R5Q8 Q: In 1963 President Kennedy declared to a huge German audience "Ich bin ein Berliner". In calling himself a Berliner Berliner, what did JFK profess to be? A: John Kennedy (!) (!). Obviously another typo. A Berliner, in German, refers to a jam (or jelly) filled doughnut, and his words could have been taken this way. So 2 points to all teams that put doughnut. R6Q5 Q: Who sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a balsa raft in 1947? One point for the explorer, one for the name of the raft. A: Thor Heyerdahl - Kon-Tiki. W. Tankie claimed the name of the raft was Ra Ra. From Wikipedia: Kon-Tiki was the raft used by Norwegian explorer and writer Thor Heyerdahl in his 1947 expedition across the Pacific Ocean. Ra and Ra II were Heyerdahl's later boats built from papyrus. Appeal denied. R7Q7 [Pictures of Alan Sugar and Jesse Jackson] Some teams were marked incorrect for omitting R7Q12 the "Sir" from Sugar's name and the "Rev." from Jackson's. Even if the question says "full name required required", Sir and Rev. Rev are not needed needed. After all you would not be penalised for omitting Mr or Mrs. Two points for each answer to all teams who were penalised in this way. Next week's matches January 19th 2011: Londoner vs. Cheers, Nervous Wreck vs. Offshore, Palmers vs. Bowling Green, Queen Victoria vs. Shagwell, W. Tankie vs. Rising Sun, Bunker bye.
SUDokU ANSwERS
Pattaya One 21
hoping she will never change; women fall in love with a man hoping he will. The truth is that women are always trying to mould us into something we are not. We dont want to be better human beings, we dont want a betterpaying but infinitely more boring job and we dont want to mow the lawn when there is a perfectly good football game on the telly. We get enough orders from the boss at work and dont need to be told what to do when we relax or play. Thankfully, Pattaya ladies are different and, unless we are rolling drunk to the point of injuring ourselves or others, we are rarely told, Dont you think you have had enough to drink? We can stay out late with our mates and the girlfriends main concern is that we get home safely at a time of our choosing. Tell him what you think was the fourth tip. Yes and no. Have you ever asked a distressed or sour girlfriend, Whats wrong? to be told, If you loved me, youd know? Ms Stewart wrote that women have all been guilty of harbouring romantic notions like, If hes been listening to me, hell know exactly where to take me for dinner on Valentines Day. Two things to note: Men are not mind-readers, and men dont usually listen to women. Guesswork is not our major skill so a woman can drop as many hints as she likes and never get her desired result. The only subtle sign we do pick up on is bedroom eyes and it doesnt matter whether she has them or not. Tiredness, on a womans part, can be easily mistaken for bedroom eyes. Finally Ms Stewart advised her female disciples to Give him his space. She admitted that women rail on [men] for not promptly returning phone calls and take offense if they want a guys night out. Yes, yes, yes; this tip I agree with 100%. Men dont like having the pressure of a constant shadow watching their every move 24/7. Ill even go as far as saying that couples taking separate vacations is a good idea. Many guys I meet in Pattaya swear by it. One told me that while his wife or girlfriend goes off to Las Vegas with her friends to watch glitzy shows and half-naked women dance on stage, he comes to Pattaya to play golf.
Secret Womens Business

Last month I wrote an article Cosmo Comes to Pattaya in which I gave my opinion on two Cosmopolitan magazine-style advice columns found while browsing the Yahoo website. Both columns were obviously directed at the females of the species but I read them anyway. The first one let us know What Stresses Men out on a First Date while the second passed on Eight Things Guys Notice about You Instantly. I compared the authors insightful suggestions, which may or may not work in the modern world, with life here in Pattaya, where they definitely dont work. Never let it be said that I dont keep trying to help out my fellow man because now Ive found another treasure chest of knowledge written by Jerusha Stewart which purports to share Five secrets to making him love you. What a hoot! Ms Stewart is the author of a book The Single Girls Manifesta. Strangely enough, I found all her suggestions except one made a lot of sense, although possibly not in the way she intended. The first tip she had for her single sisters was to Share an activ-
ity. She suggested becoming gym buddies and cooking meals together as a way a woman can increase the things [she has] in common and experience a deeper bond with her man. It has been my experience that this is a BAD idea and the least interests a couple share the better they will get along. In Pattaya this works fine because foreign men have little or nothing in common with Thai females half their age. Having different languages, different cultures and different interests simply means there are fewer things to argue about. Back home it is a different story and any woman who thinks that sharing her boyfriends hobbies or interests will bring them closer is heading for disaster. First of all, cooking meals together is OUT. Also rule out sports and games;
in fact anything competitive. Men like to win, so if she becomes better than him it will decimate his ego. Continually beating her boyfriend at Scrabble, tennis, golf or bowling is a sure way for a lady to be shown the door. Joining him for his weekly poker night with his friends is another disaster. After she takes home a few big pots of cash the guy will be given an ultimatum: dump her or we dump you. The second piece of advice was to Cheer him on. This immediately conjures up a lot of wild imagery but Ms Stewart was not talking about sex. She was suggesting that a boyfriend would probably appreciate a compliment now and then. This I can agree with because men welcome an ego boost or compliment just as much as women. Nothing puts a man off as quickly as being belittled or unappreciated by his girlfriend. Word of warning to female readers; unless your boyfriend is bisexual or an interior decorator, dont follow Ms Stewarts suggestion to try a simple off-the-cuff statement, such as: You look so good in that shirt - it really brings out the colour in your eyes. Let him be himself was the next suggestion and Ms Stewart prefaced her argument with, Most women find it hard to love guys just the way they are. We want to change their hair, their clothes, their job, and sometimes even their friends to fit our ideal. I could not agree more. There is an old joke which goes; Men fall in love with a woman
22 Pattaya One
At the beginning of January this year The Star newspaper in Malaysia ran the following story about what it termed the new Singapore. It certainly offers a different insight to the modern city-state, one that so many people seem to refer to as a strait-laced, boring place. The article has been edited for brevity.
MoRE RiSqUE THAN PATTAYA? IS THiS REAllY THE NEw SiNGApoRE?

Filipino maid offering to appear in the nude on webcam sex for money on the Net. And last week a China girl who drowned while swimming naked at a rich mans house several months ago was pronounced an accident. At about the same time a nude 19-yearold girl was rescued clinging onto the second floor window of a hotel. She explained she ended there by accident after a Christmas Eve bash with some girl friends. Today an average of one case is reported every other day despite the threat of S$2,000 fine or up to three months in jail. According to published figures, there were 105 cases in the first six months of 2010, compared with 166 for 2009, 146 in 2008 and 136 in 2007. Psychiatrist Ken Ung, who has treated many cases referred to him by the courts, told the press that many were either exhibitionists or attention seekers. Exhibitionism is a sexual disorder where the exhibitionists get a sexual thrill from the look of shock and horror on their victims faces, he was quoted as saying. Others were mentally troubled, while some over-exuberant revellers did it because of alcohol or a bet with a friend. The streak has already raised calls for the establishment of a nudist beach nearby. Since people want to go naked, give them an isolated place to do it away from children, one blogger said. Not only in the flesh, there has been an increase in the number of girls posing in the nude and posting the videos online. These are sometimes ranked according to merit by peers. The livelier scene is vastly encouraged by a host of gadgets such as mobile phone cameras, handheld video recorders and digital cameras all within the reach of Singapores teenagers. They have created a form of homemade pornography involving amateurs often naive young ladies filming themselves naked for their boy-friends. Quite a few were shocked to discover they were widely circulated, making them soft porn stars. The recent spate of public nudity has led to speculation whether it is a new trend or whether Singaporeans are finally breaking down social conformity. None, a self-employed tutor emphasised: It is a cry for help from the despondent. Ours is a stressful place.
A USEFUL message to greet the New Year today in Singapore could have read something like this: Caution! Visitors to this island are advised to be careful of a mysterious syndrome that drives victims to shed off all their clothes in public. It could be timely preparation, given the recent surge of such happenings as a more liberal generation leaves its mark on this once prudish city. The government had long hoped for a new vibrancy to push Singapore into the ranks of a top world city. Well, in recent years, it has got a little of that wish but not all to its liking. Amidst reports of a teenage girl selling her soiled underwear online and a young trainee teacher having sex with a 12 and a 15-year-old girl, interest centred on public nudity, including the following cases: * A man in his 20s went buck naked into a fast-food outlet to buy coffee (his custom was refused); * A middle-aged man found sitting nude on a suburban pavement; and * A middle-aged woman took off all her clothes and boarded a public bus, rejecting a jacket to cover up. The driver ordered her to sit at the back with the women, away from the men until her arrest. They all happened in the past two weeks, their video shots instantly producing up to 50,000 hits online. Meanwhile, Felicia, a teenager offered to sell her used underwear for up to S$45 a pair. All the panties will be worn by me for at least 12 hours, she pledged. Total sales - 12 pairs! The most famous streak was that of a Singaporean A*Star (biotech research) scholar and her Swedish schoolmate, who were fined after they strolled stark naked through Holland Village last year. Those crazy Singaporeans cant seem to keep their pants on in public lately, expatriate Jeff Mills wrote before Christmas Day. The country best known for semiconductor wafers and caning has seen a rash of indecent exposure and slow streaking cases recently. Adding to the tempo was the first reported case of a 30-year-old

Voyeurs delight: The P72 beer boozer, munchery and hostelry is one of the longest running joints on Walking Street and a great place to watch the happenings on the street, especially those who wander into and out of the Lucifers head-banging auditorium across the road. Prices for thirst quenchers are reasonable and the service damsels are friendly and attentive. The place usually attracts an older crowd, although I seriously doubt many of them are simply there to listen to the live band which kicks into life at about 10:00pm. Do they do a rendition of the Eagles classic Hotel California? Does a bear defecate indiscriminately in the woods? At the other end of town in Soi 6 the Jack Tar bar is a real lone mariner in a sea of sharks. It doesnt employ ladies who twirl knobs for a living, and never has. Its one of those places where regulars turn up to prepare for a night of schlepping about and to this end it offers possibly the cheapest booze prices on the soi. Perfect for watching the freak show that is the street art on the soi and it has a very good view of the antics in the Red Point Sierra Tango joint across the road. Equal Opportunity Employment? While some of the beer boozers of Sois 7 and 8 and even Walking Street may have a ladyboy or three seeded like Pattersons Curse among their regular distaff employees, down in Soi 6 theyre as brazen as Lopburi monkeys and thick on the ground. While the Stringfellows den in Soi Yamato is unashamedly and clearly a place of employment for members of the meat-and-two-vegin-a-dress brigade, there are many joints all over the city it seems where an unsuspecting or seriously inebriated punter might find himself hoping to play hid the salami with a willing damsel only to discover the expected pathway to the tunnel of love is blocked by a solid and unwelcome logjam. One example of a place where an example of the uncut can be found is the perhaps suitably named Thumbs Up Funny Bar. Longtimers may recall the Thumbs Up used to be a reasonably popular nosh house in Soi 6, but its now a funny bar, in more ways than one. I wandered in recently and thought it was quite nicely appointed, libations were about standard in terms of price and it is suitably dark, as one expects of a furtive fondlers joint. There werent a lot of damsels, but the ladyboy stood out like a beacon on an ice flow. Perhaps we need to see the Department of Boozing and Bar Licensing call on the government to introduce Trade Descriptions legislation, so boozers employing people who cannot claim female gender from
Pattaya One 23
N ghtmarch
By Duncan Stearn
Email: duncan@pattayaone.net
birth are compelled to make themselves known. A yellow star on striped pyjama-like clothing should do the trick, although I think that idea might have been taken by some other organisation. The Secrets to contentment: Some years ago I was part of an expedition to Koh Chang which involved a number of coyote dancers from the Secrets lounge lizard libation room (Soi 14, off Walking Street). The girls were pretty good fun, but the main reason for the trip was to take a lot of photos to help promote the bar. This included going out to one of the smaller islands of Koh Chang for an afternoon photo shoot. In the downtime between shoots a couple of girls decided to create a sandcastle, complete with moat and outside wall. Another went off to perform an act of ecological redistribution, collecting a number of coral-like rocks which she placed around the sandcastle. Amazing how something that keeps five-year-olds amused can do the same for bargirls. Light up an Alpine: Whatever happened to the non-smoking law for bars and restaurants? Well, nothing, of course. It remains firmly in place, its just very rarely enforced. Its one of those statutes on the books, much like the official 2:00am closing time for bars, which can be trotted out for financial gain at any time someone cares to employ it. Most sensible restaurants long ago banned smoking inside their premises in compliance with the law and it hasnt had any obvious effect on business. Bars are a different story, with most places adopting a fairly relaxed policy, especially those where the owner or managers are themselves into the cancer-sticks. One place with a firm no-smoking policy is the fairly new Punch and Judy boozer on Soi 8 off Thepprasit Road. Made much in the manner of a traditional English pub, the non-smoking stance of the management has attracted the appreciation of a number of the anti-puffing league. Naturally enough, when some down-at-heel official in need of a quick few thousand baht thinks about how he and his mates can trouser a little bit of spending money, they may well enforce the smoking ban and raid a bar or three, but you can bet the owners of these bars will be foreigners and not locals. The wrapping looks better
than the gift: One of the really interesting improvements brought on by the spurt in go-go bar numbers in recent years has been in female fashions as it relates to the ladies employed in front of said dens of the chrome pole and whose task it is to entice punters through the portals. In many cases the ladies out front are far sexier and physically alluring than their chrome pole molesting sisters inside. Some of the best outdoor entertainers in ogling terms are in front of Walking Streets dens such as Alcatraz, Iron Club, Airport and even the spruikers for Living Dolls Showcase appear to have been issued with new uniforms. A new raft of chrome pole dens: It seems the more the city fathers claim they are turning our fair happy hooker realm-on-sea into a family-oriented destination, the more go-go bars and other nightlife-based entertainment venues spring up. One is left with the distinct impression the verbal announcements emanating from within the bowels of City Hall are merely media fodder designed for the gullible, while the real wheel of business of keeping what made Pattaya successful in the first place continues to turn. Although joints do fall by the wayside -the latest being the Atlantis go-go (Soi Diamond), which closed just after Christmasthere are always new places being opened by optimistic persons with long pockets. Two new dens of the chrome pole to have opened, both in late December, are Kiss on Soi LK Metro, opposite the popular Murphys Law beer boozer, and The Clinic on Soi 7, just near the Silver Star 2 go-go at the Beach Road end. The Clinic is coloured white (think Whats Up, Soi 15 Walking Street) in an effort to make it
look like a prostate gland inspection room while Kiss is designed much like Beach Club, Mistys (Soi 15) and Beavers (Walking Street) with glass-topped tables for dancers. The one big plus for Kiss is the quality sound system, complete with videos on their large screens (think Tim go-go on Second Road), and the good music. Dancing damsel quality leaves a bit to be desired, but its early days yet. That applies also to The Clinic, in terms of its distaff dancing quality.
The end of a long innings: Almost nine years ago a book entitled Pattaya: Patpong on Steroids was published by yours truly and, Im happy to say, the first edition managed to sell out in six months. Three more reprints followed but it now appears there are maybe only five or six copies left for sale anywhere, and theyre on the shelves of the DK Bookshop in Soi Post Office. Basically, the book is now out of print and there are no plans to update it or re-release it in print form, although it may be turned into an e-book in the future. My thanks to all those wonderful people who purchased it over the years and to those who took the trouble to write to me about its contents. Piece of Pith: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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24 Pattaya One
TRaVEL Thailand & beyond

Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia
The Hilton is awful, a blight on an otherwise captivating scene. The town planners were definitely out to lunch when this building was approved. On the opposite side of the river are the crenellated walls of Fort Margherita, which never fired a shot in anger. Further down is the Astana, the former palace home of the White Rajahs. The only way to traverse the river is by way of tambang, small, narrow, covered ferries not much bigger than an average rowboat with wooden bench seats down both sides, powered by a diesel engine. At night the promenade is equally delightful with people ambling along beneath fairy lights strung between lampposts. Fishing poles line the railings, their owners relaxing on the benches behind. Caricature artists do a fair trade in charcoal and pencil drawings. Across the river, the Astana and Fort Margherita are lit up like fairground attractions while the Square Tower (constructed in 1879) is also adorned with fairy lights. Further afield, the Sarawak Museum (1891) is housed in a building designed by a French aide of Sir Charles Brooke who copied the plans of a town hall in Normandy. Perhaps thats why so many of the displays feature stuffed objects. Behind the museum are landscaped gardens where the Heroes Monument was erected to honour those of the Sarawak Constabu-
By Duncan Stearn
Kuching, capital of the Malaysian state of Sarawak on the island of Borneo, was once famous for being the seat of the White Rajahs, James, Charles, and Charles Vyner Brooke, a family dynasty who controlled Sarawak for a century. The name Kuching, located on the wide Sarawak River, means cat city, yet in six days of lingering about the place I espied only four furry felines. There are quite a lot of Chinese-run restaurants in town though. In 1839, James Brooke had turned up with a message of thanks from the British governor of Singapore to Hasim, the local regent, for saving a number of shipwrecked British sailors. At the time, Hasim was in the midst of a rebellion by Land Dyaks and asked Brooke for help. Brooke quelled the revolt and in 1841, after a little haggling, Hasim conferred the title of Rajah of Sarawak on him. James died in England and was succeeded by his nephew Charles. Kuching only became known by that name in 1872. The story goes that when James Brooke sailed up the Sarawak River he saw lots of cats and so named the settlement Kuching. The truth is no one knows the etymology of Kuching. Britain established a protectorate over Sarawak in 1888 but the Brookes ran the place until Japan invaded in 1941. Charles Vyner returned but in 1946 it became a Crown Colony, ending the era of the White Rajahs. Accommodation varies from the budget City Inn to older but better maintained digs such as the Borneo Hotel, or there are the Hilton or Holiday Inn. Rooms come equipped with air-conditioning, hot water, and TV, not that there is anything worth watching. The City Inn was typical of Chinese-run budget hotels in South-East Asia, featuring soft, care-worn mattresses, thin sheets and blankets, and towels designed for dwarfs, with all the absorption of a block of cement. One of them is the splendidly named Ah Chew Hotel, just a sneeze off the waterfront. The city is home to mainly Muslim Malays as well as the more ani-
The kitschy cat column complete with waving pussies
mist Land Dyaks and Iban (known as Sea Dyaks), and Chinese, Indians, and Westerners. Coffee shops, called kopitiams, are everywhere and noted for their laksa breakfasts. An Internet page dedicated to nothing but laksa noted, There are some food experiencesthat should onlybe enjoyed in their place of origin Sarawak laksa is a cardiologists nightmare of a breakfast. More cholesterol than you can shake a stick at, swimming in a delicious thick soup whose primary ingredient is coconut milk, one of the richest vegetable sources of saturated fat. Its also got enough pungent spices to give a [doctor] the jitters when he thinks about what its doing to your colon, and sufficient highly refined carbohydrates to make your pancreas dance the tango. Its also one of the most sublime breakfasts known to man. I can attest that it is indeed sublime. Cafes open around 6:00am, close for about three hours in the heat of the afternoon, open again about 4:30pm and go until midnight, six days a week. The usual heavyweights of the fast-food cholesterate (my word) are also here: McDonalds, Burger King, and Pizza Hut. The promenade running alongside the river is the heart of Kuching, lined with small outdoor cafes and stalls selling everything from coffee, cold drinks, halal burgers, and chicken satays to hookah pipes. The Holiday Inn and the Hilton Hotel, both dominating their respective portion of the waterfront, bear silent testimony to tourisms growth in Sarawak.
lary and the Malaysian, British and Commonwealth armed forces killed during the Malayan Emergency and the Confrontation with Indonesia between 1948 and 1966. The Kuching cat column is a piece of kitsch featuring five sculpted white cats with a paw in the air seeming to wave at passers-by. It possesses a certain tacky charm. Further down the road, on the way to the waterfront, is another celebration of the feline in sculpture, this time a water fountain. An ethnic Chinese employee, talking in general about Kuchings historical sites, told me, years ago it was better. Now politics make the people change the history, put in Islamic artefacts and remove the British history. They should be proud of James Brooke, he is the founder of Sarawak. The local people are, by and large, very friendly and speak excellent English. Even young Muslim girls in headscarves would smile demurely and say hello. Hello, where you come from? could almost serve as Kuchings motto.
A tambang about to be swallowed. The Hilton in the background
Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.

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