A very brief introduction to the concept of

NONVIOLENT
COMMUNICATION
Pioneered by
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Summarized by Alexandria Skinner, J.D.

NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION:
A LANGUAGE OF LIFE
by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Method For Communicating That

Enables Authentic Sharing

Clearly expressing
how I am,
without blaming or
criticizing

Empathetically
receiving how you
are,
without hearing
blame or criticism

OVERVIEW OF PROCESS:

Use I Statements to Communicate:

1. OBSERVATIONS
2. FEELINGS
3. NEEDS
4. REQUESTS

OBSERVATIONS
When I see / hear / imagine
A report card with all As
Your socks on the floor
You told me I couldnt
Specific, concrete, in the here and now (not
something a person did a year ago!)

FEELINGS
.I feel
Amazed, proud, angry, concerned, confused,
embarrassed, irritated, lonely, touched, thankful,
sad, relieved, proud .

SPECIFIC EMOTIONS, NOT GENERAL

ONES

NEEDS
I need / value .
I feel _[sad, or x or y ]_ because I need [
acceptance, or x or y ] .
Link the need with the feeling and the action being
discussed, for example

REQUESTS
I request that you .
Put your laundry in the hamper, or x or y
The request should be phrased in terms of a
positive thing to do, be very concrete / specific,
and be do-able in the immediate sense

SOME FEELINGS
Positive: Amazed, comfortable, confident, eager,
proud, thankful, touched, trustful, surprised,
inspired, relieved, optimistic, glad
Negative: Angry, annoyed, concerned, confused,
disappointed, discouraged, distressed,
embarrassed, frustrated, helpless, hopeless,
impatient, irritated, lonely, nervous, overwhelmed,
puzzled, reluctant, sad, uncomfortable

SOME NEEDS
Autonomy (choosing dreams, goals, values)
Celebration (to acknowledge both creation and
loss)
Physical nurturance (air, food, exercise, rest)
Integrity (authenticity, meaning, self worth)
Interdependence (acceptance, emotional safety)
Play (fun, laughter)
Spiritual Communion (beauty, inspiration, peace)

FEELINGS vs. NON FEELINGS

Distinguish thoughts from feelings!
The words, I feel [that] you are stupid, does not
express a feeling! If you would use the words like,
that, if in the sentence, it is probably a judgment
and not a feeling.
Distinguish evaluations from feelings!
The words I feel unimportant express an
evaluation (my assessment of how I think others are
thinking about me), not a feeling.

PSEUDO-FEELINGS
Pseudo feelings express interpretation, diagnosis,
evaluation, criticism, judgment, or
blame.
Not likely to result in the person you are
communicating with to open up and connect with
their needs.
Likely to create feelings of separation or alienation.

INTERPRETATIONS
The following are evaluations, not feelings,
because they depend for their significance on
how we interpret (or filter) the behavior:
Abandoned, abused, attacked, betrayed, bullied,
cheated, coerced, cornered, interrupted,
intimidated, manipulated, misunderstood,
neglected, overworked, patronized, pressured,
provoked, put down, rejected, taken for granted,
threatened, unheard, unappreciated, unseen,

THE FOUR DS OF DISCONNECTION

Diagnosing: Telling people our diagnosis
rather than what we need
Deserve: Judging who is right, wrong, good,
bad, and who deserves to be rewarded or
punished
Deny choice / responsibility: Blaming others
for our feelings, obscuring choice by saying I
had to or You have to, inducing guilt and /
or shame
Demanding: Threatening, bribing, bullying,

HINTS FOR BETTER

COMMUNICATION
Use words that refer to specifics:
Specific actions
Specific needs
Specific emotions
Specific requests
Use I statements:
I see this, I have this need, I feel this way, I
request

MAKING A REQUEST
Ask for what will meet your needs
State the request in do-able terms that are time
limited and achievable
Use positive action language
And can be met in a variety of ways (method is
negotiable)

EXAMPLE
Observation: You left dishes in the sink after
breakfast that had egg yolk on them.
Feeling: I feel frustrated
Need: because I need some support in keeping
things clean.
Request: Would you be willing to dry the dishes
while I wash them?