Hope you're well. I am very well, but missing you very beautiful...

I write for days because I wanted to ask you a letter. I tell you sincerely that I love you with all my heart and that although you know it, every day I fall over and I kno w you would give my life to be at your side ... If not every kiss or hug each gi ve you, make you feel how much I love you, that is why this letter I want you to know that I love you with all my soul and I repeat a thousand times, because if the words do not is just to tell you how much I love you, much less my feelings . You are very important in my life ... you occupy my mind, you are the owner of all my thoughts, my heart and my happiness. The owner of everything I am and wh at I will later ... governs everything in me: My eyes, my lips, my kisses, my br eathing and my heart. I never thought I had so much love inside me, I would feel that I'm feeling for you ... You came into my life and my world changed. Now yo u are my world and I completely fell in love with you and I'm willing to give al l my love, because the biggest place in my heart what have you ... The fact that you are my biggest and most coveted dream come true ... I was angry and had ugl y moments, but I do on purpose. You are everything to me and the least we want i s to see evil or harm you ... sorry for my stupid love. I thought very well and I think I'm stupid ruining the beautiful days that we were going. The fact that there is no happiness in my life bigger than you give me. You are the man of my dreams and I want you with me for life ... I do not want an engagement passenger , something for a few days. Maybe I was wrong, but now not anymore ... If I have to give my life to be at your side, you do not erase any doubts that I will giv e. Love you ... I want my future to be happy with you! Because if my life is you , not anyone. I swear that I love, I love ... You are beautiful! You want me to be sincere? You smile back at me, the desire to love and to live ... I swear tha t every time you hold me I want to stay with you forever and never detach. It hu rts me to have you imagine how far away, it can be shorter time. Hopefully this love so pure that we have will last a lifetime ... Because I want to live my lif e with you, be the mother of your children. And today I'm going to leave me that nonsense and think about our future, because like it or not, you're with me or not, I'll love forever. Know that I love you I love you and adore you ... What a re the best thing that happened to me in life. You taught me to love and that's something I'll never forget. Every time I get up and go to bed my first and last thought you are. You can not be so so beautiful love .... I know many die by be ing with you, but I'm happy because you gave me another chance, because I have t he joy of your kisses. From the first moment I met you, awakened in me the most beautiful feeling I have come to think in my heart, that feeling that only one p erson has made me feel ... Love! It is a very deep feeling and every time I look into your eyes I feel great joy, great joy, a compliment that tells me you are what you always dreamed of, which makes me vibrate with happiness, makes me feel how beautiful life can be just being at your side ... It would be hard to belie ve that there can be a life where I do not find with you, away from your lips, y our skin, all that you form a whole, which are for me can be described

only with a word, but these words are just words when compared with reality woul d be empty words, because word on when it comes to describing a person as wonder ful as you. You are my inspiration, my big one true love, are the best thing tha t happened to me in life, you and you will be most important to me today, tomorr ow and forever. I love you with all my love! Have you ever loved me? Have you ever being happy with me? Or was I this kind of perfect girl all the people you know kept yelling at you that you must grab? Have you really pictured me as the mother of your children? Or was I the kind of tra il you needed to do before happiness? Have you ever proud of being my husband? H ave you ever happy with my gains? Have you ever desired me as I wished I deserve d? Have you ever respected me as the woman I thought I should be? I am broken in thousand times. I am ashamed as I never thought I'd be. I am lost. I lost my cent er. I lost my heart. I am afraid I will not be able to love again. I am done. I am living one day after another. I am drinking all wine I can bear. I am smoking until I can not breathe. I am reading all the books I had not finished until no w. I am praying to be someone nicer and better than I am. I am trying to be the most stronger than I can be. I am not sure I can deal with it at all. I want to be alone, but I can not handle all this by myself. People are being so nice to m e, but I am not sure I deserve their kindness. Shame on me! I did not know it wa s coming. Why not? Was I too romantic? Or to silly? Why do I have to pass trough all of it? I did not want to get stronger. If I did, I would come back to pilat es class. The marriage was so real to me. I thought we were meant to be. That we were perfect matches and would pass through every problem that could knock on ou r door. I thought I could make you bigger and more mature. I believed if we could not make each other happy enough we would work on that, and even later, if it d id not work out, we would be friends for ever. Respecting all the love we felt, watching each others life as if we were best friends, praying to see the other a s happier as we wanted to be. Clearly, I got it all wrong. Shame on me again! I am so disappointed. I never thought you could be this kind of man to me. I was s uch a child. I thought you'd be the one who would take care of me. That I could be naked in my soul and you would be there for me, no mater what happened. As a ma n, as my man. As the one who took me from my father's arms. I believed you cared abo ut me, in a total higher and bigger way. Not only as your wife. I have all the d efects a woman can have. I was not ever in a perfect shape, I have problems at w ork, I needed things to be organized as I wished, I was in bad mood some times, I was pushing you to have these kinds of deep talks you did not want to have. I was pushing you to grow faster than you could. Bad thoughts pass through my mind and I pray to the angels to keep them far away. This is not working properly to day. What can I do? I do not have enough tears to cry. This time you left me not hing. Even the power of healing you is gone. Ok, I got it. You are not the one. Th anks for sharing. I must say I am broken.

You are my everything. Thank you for loving me the way no one can. You understan d me and you know just how to make things right. You will never know just how mu ch I love you, but I will spend the rest of my days trying to show you. You save d me from the worst, and you are always there for me. Fighting is never an optio n and making love is always as sweet as the first time. No matter what, there wi ll never be another for me and I will always keep you safe. I love you for all e ternity. Again, thank you, Baby. We both knew our friendship would grow right from the very first day we spoke. B ut, neither one of us could begin to imagine the love we both feel, not explodin g or thundering into our hearts, but just slowly growing into a beautiful relati onship that only you and I can understand. I don't care if you forget our first kiss, our first date, just as long as you remember that I love you with every ac hing bone in my body no matter what. You were and still are the great love of my life. I know that phrase sounds clic h to someone who's never been in love, but it's entirely fitting when it comes to you. I made so many mistakes when we were together, and as a result of them, we 're not together anymore. I've spent the years since kicking myself for the thin gs that I did, and for the things that I didn't do. All I can do now is say the words that I couldn't say then: I love you, I love you, I love you. A million ti mes I love you and a million times I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't say those wo rds to you when it would have made a difference. Sorry that I didn't give you th e parts of me that you deserved. I still love you and I desperately hope you're happy. It kills me that you can't be happy with me. Please forgive me C, for I'm afraid I can never forgive myself. Having your love has been the best thing that has happened to me. I have never f elt so much love from one man. Everyday, when I awake from a dream of us togethe r, I think God I found you - I just wish I had more time with you to show you ho w much I love you. The way you show your love for me is so unreal; I feel so lov ed! I need only to think of you, of us, our love, hopes, and dreams. I want to s pend my life with you, loving you and receiving your love in return. I long to b e in your arms and feeling your touch. Everything that keeps us apart will soon be gone and we will have each other always. Mike, thank you for loving me the wa y you do.

I think about you everyday and night. When I am with you, you light up my life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wish upon a star for y ou to return back by my side. The love that I hold for you in my soul is greater than an ocean or the sky above. Please forgive me for all the hurt that I have caused you. Please, I beg of you to forgive me and return back by my side like t he way that it was meant to be. I love you, and I always will until the day that I die. Hopefully, when that day comes, I will still have you by my side and you will be the last angel face that I see. I will be able to hold you in my arms o ne last time, and tell you how much I love you and how much you really mean to m e. I love you! I've loved you so much all these years, and those feelings can't and won't ever leave this heart of mine. Every time I am around you I want to let you know that I miss you so much and I really miss us. You are that someone, that special per son that I could never deny my love for. I have made some really messed up choic es and went down the wrong roads in our past and in our relationship, but I need you to know that because of all of those choices, I have made a turn for the be tter. I need you in my life, my arms, my heart, and in my world. I don't want to continue living my life feeling empty and lonely any more. Just the mention of your name is an instant smile, goose bumps, and a wish of us being together agai n. I'm not quite sure where to begin; I know this past week has been a mess, both o ur faults, I'm not just directing that to you. I have had ten million things run through my mind the past few days, and I am going to try and get a few of them out right now. For one, I do cherish your friendship, like I said in one of my m essages, you and I have shared things and conversations about our lives, our fam ilies that I would never with anyone else. The main reason for that is because I trust you, and you listen to me, as I do to you. I can say that I have had some of the most wonderful times with you that I have ever had in my entire life, so much laughing and smiling. I had told you once before that when you talk I hold onto every word that comes out of your mouth and it's like they are engraved in the back of my mind forever. I can't answer why you have that affect on me;

maybe it's the fact that we have become such good friends. To be quite honest wi th you, I don't trust people very easily as you very well know, and I could prob ably say the same for you. I think that is why I did let that wall down and let you into my life and my heart, because I felt safe, so let me ask you, why do I feel like building it back up? Let me explain a little what I want in my life. I want someone to share my laughter, my fears, someone to listen, and to be there when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, and I want to give that same courtesy back to them in return. I don't want someone standing at my door waiti ng for me to get home, or around constantly, because that drives me absolutely c razy. I do think though that since you and I have spent so much in-depth time to gether that I have become a little dependant on you being there, and wanting to talk to you. That doesn't necessarily mean seeing you every day, or a three-hour phone call, but just the reassurance to know that you are in fact still there. "Hi, How are you, How was your day"stuff like that. Is that too much for you? It sometimes feels like you only call when you know I am upset because you haven't called after I have left you a couple of messages. You hardly ever call just bec ause you want to. You tell me how important it is to you to have me in your life , as what? Then you say that if I found someone that makes me happy, you don't w ant to hold me back from that. Don't you understand that I am happy with you? So when you say things like that it confuses me. I'm not sure how you differentiat e between a relationship and friendship. So, I am going to tell you how I person ally separate the two of them: for one I don't spend the weekends with my friend s, holding them, talking to them, being intimate, that's just not me (nor is it a friendly relationship), it never has been and never will be. I think the thing s that we've shared (and again this is me thinking - you might disagree), the th ings that have been between you and I have been very special to me. They go beyo nd friendship. Like the night we went to Hattaras; the way you looked at me, and just the feeling that I get when I am around you. Little do you know, Chris, wh ether you want to admit it or not, we have been in a relationship. You yourself have even said it was the only relationship that was different, and you've never been so happy. So let yourself be happy, but you have to give a little to get i n return. You have seen the type of person I am, as much as I want to give; I do that for two reasons. For one it makes you happy, and for two, some people have never gotten a chance to be treated that way, and I think everyone in their lif e should experience it just once. I wanted you to experience it. Making you happ y, seeing you happy I truly enjoyed that. Well, for me, I've never been treated l ike that, and I want to be, I want to feel like I am a special person, that the person I am with enjoys being with me, and in return they show it. Not meaning p hysically, but other ways too. I need to know that someone wants me to be as hap py as I want to make them. I feel like you want me around, but you don't want to put out the effort that would be involved with having a relationship. You enjoy what I give you and don't want to lose me, but you don't want to have to give b ack to me. A friendly relationship relieves you of the pressures of a romantic o r intimate relationship. I think that is why you keep stressing being friends. T hat's fine if that is what you want. But you have to understand what

friendship is. Friendship still involves giving and taking. You still call frien ds and you still hang out with friends. But friendship doesn't involve intimacy. I can't have you hugging me and kissing me. You can't expect us to spend the ni ght together. Friends certainly don't have sex. As far as intimacy goes, I don't do that with you because it's a need. I do that because I'm showing you in anot her way just how much I enjoy being with you, and having you in my life. When I hug you or kiss you, it's my way of showing you that I do in fact care about you , yes, as a friend but in the same token also a little bit more. How do you want it, Chris? You have to make a decision. We can be friends or we can continue ex ploring a relationship. But if it is the relationship, I expect you to show me y our feelings, show me what I mean to you. Don't just tell me when you are afraid I will leave you. I need to know it by your actions. I need to know that you re spect my feelings and that you understand them. I need you to give a little of y our life and time to me and not expect that I will do all of the work. Do you un derstand what it takes to have a relationship? It is simple, Chris. The things I do for you and the way I make you feel; give it back to me. Do for me what you enjoy me doing for you. Do something special. Think about what you would like me to do for you and do it for me. Think about what would make me smile and do it. But Chris, anything good involves a little work. Is it worth it to you? Is my r elationship with you worth enough for you to put forth some effort to make me ha ppy? If it isn't, I understand. I knew from the start that you did not want a re lationship. But you have to admit that one developed. If it developed because I pushed you into it, then I am sorry. I'm backing off. I can't continue seeing yo u and feel the way that I have been lately. You give me a mixture of extreme hap piness along with confusion.