Quadrinity Process PDF

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THL HOllMAN PPOCLSS A PATH TO PLPSONAL lPLLDOM AND LOVL

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the essence of a fulfilling life. This message appeais consistently
in all of the woilu's ieligious tiauitions. So why, I askeu myself, is
theie so much uiscoiu anu negativity in human ielations. Theie
hau to be something missing in oui eveiyuay unueistanuing about
love anu emotions, anu oui actions anu ielationships that giew
out of this misunueistanuing. Feelings of love anu affection have
enoimous powei in eveiy aspect of oui lives, shaping anu coloiing
oui behaviois, anu at times spinning them out of contiol. Ny woik
leu me to uncovei a veiy basic misunueistanuing about emotional
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ability to love, anu becoming fully integiateu auults.
Foi many yeais, I woikeu by myself as a spiiitual intuitive, with
a small numbei of people who came to me foi healing. Thiough
contact with psychotheiapists I leaineu that, while an enoimous
amount of woik hau been uone uesciibing the emotional effects
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the motivation of chiluien in emulating the counteipiouuctive anu
limiting behaviois of theii paients. I hau an intuition that this was
what lay at the ioot of the unhappiness of those who sought me out.
A moie complete unueistanuing came to me in 1967, wheieupon I
foimulateu the mouels anu concepts that aie the founuation of the
Boffman Piocess.
This booklet iepiesents my paiticulai insights into the woikings
of the human minu, which might seem familiai as I uesciibe them. I
(%)",& #+, 8%$& !"#$%&'&() to iepiesent the foui aspects of a human
being: the emotional, intellectual, physical anu spiiitual. The unique
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but it is the balance of all aspects woiking togethei haimoniously
that fulfils us as human beings.
It has been my expeiience that most people uo not live in this
haimonious balance. Ceitainly those of us iaiseu in Westein cultuie,
give piimaiy authoiity to the intellect - both oui own anu those of
NLS Booklet-v.7.indd 1 6/23/09 7:28:23 PM
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the authoiities selecteu by oui histoiy, ieligions, oi scientific woilu
view. To cieate balance, the othei thiee aspects of ouiselves neeu
to come into paitneiship with the intellect. As Albeit Einstein once
saiu: "We shoulu take caie not to make the intellect oui gou; it has,
of couise, poweiful muscles, but no peisonality. It cannot leau; it can
only seive."
While we iecognize that we have a physical bouy, anu many
acknowleuge that we aie spiiitual beings, we geneially uownplay
oi even uisiegaiu any positive iole foi oui auult emotional aspect of
self. Even with all oui tiaining anu euucation, we still tenu to eithei
neglect oui emotions oi cope with them by abusing substances oi
behaving inappiopiiately. Nost often as auults we meiely toleiate the
infantile anu pitiable existence of oui emotions. This pieuicament is
the basis of what I've iuentifieu as the *+,#(&-+ /0-+ 1)'$%02+3
I saw that people ieally began to unueistanu themselves in a new
way once they iecognizeu how the Negative Love Synuiome was
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behaviois that aie, foi the most pait, just beneath oui conscious, uay-
to-uay expeiience.
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peisonal way, as the chilu of youi own paients. As you aie intiouuceu
to the following infoimation anu uo the exeicises I've incluueu, allow
youiself to expeiience the emotions that aiise as fully as you can. This
will be the beginning of unueistanuing, in an expeiiential way, youi
own emotional anu spiiitual tiuth.
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emotional piogiamming, this essay is not an inuictment of youi
paients oi you. What follows heie may tiiggei anu evoke eaily
memoiies, incluuing some you may have foigotten. It is intenueu to
give you a taste of the peisonal fieeuom that is possible. At the veiy
least, I hope that you finu a ueepei unueistanuing about youiself anu
youi paients. You may even have uiscoveieu something astonishing
about youiself by the time you ieau thiough to the enu.
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Foui aspects of self: The Quauiinity
To help unueistanu the gieat complexity of the self, its uevelopment
anu the pioblems iesulting fiom the auoption of
the Negative Love Synuiome, I use the Quauiinity
as a fiamewoik. It is a simple yet poweiful mouel
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incluues all foui aspects of self: bouy, emotions,
intellect anu spiiitual self. The Quauiinity is oui
whole, integiateu, balanceu self, embouying all foui
aspects.
These foui aspects aie, of couise, inteiielateu anu foim a complex
inteiactive system. I use thiee uistinct combinations of aspects of the
self: the Buality, the Tiinity, anu the Quauiinity. The Buality consists
of the emotional self anu the intellectual self. They can be combineu
as one entity oi be visualizeu sepaiately.
I iefei to the thiee aspects of oui minus as the Tiinity: the emotional
self, the intellectual self, anu the spiiitual self. Again, they can be
visualizeu as one entity oi sepaiately.
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Physical Self
The bouy, which incluues the biain, is the physical uwelling place
foi the mental aspects of the self. Thiough the bouy we act out anu
manifest the thoughts of the Intellect, the feelings of the Emotional
Self anu the essence of the Spiiitual Self. The following aie qualities
of the Physical Self:
- Expeiiences the woilu thiough oui senses
- Communicates with otheis thiough voice anu gestuies
- Connecteu with the minu via neuiological anu biochemical
feeuback
- Caiiiei of genetic infoimation
- Repositoiy foi the memoiies of all expeiiences
- Nanifests physical symptoms of uniesolveu mental conflicts
(e.g. pains of stiess)
- Acts out emotional anu intellectual behaviois both positive
anu negative, anu can expiess the Spiiitual Self.
Emotional Self
The Emotional Self contains feelings expiesseu thiough the physical
bouy. It is wheie negative patteins fiist show up uevelopmentally anu,
along with the Intellect, wheie these patteins iesiue. The negative
emotional self is uefineu as chiluish. It has no sense of time oi space.
It iegiesses ieauily.
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- Cuiious - Rebellious
- Playful - Ashameu
- }oyful - Anxious
- Cieative - Befensive
- Spontaneous - Rigiu
- Auventuious - Feaiful
- Feels giief - Bepiesseu
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Intellectual Self
The Intellectual Self, oui logical anu pioblem solving thought-
piocessoi incluues what anu how we think, oui woilu-views, values,
anu beliefs. Along with the Emotional Self, the Intellect is wheie
patteins iesiue. Shoulu's, shoulun'ts, uo's, uon'ts, can'ts, aie in the
Intellect anu can be eithei positive oi negative. They aie negative
when they aie compulsive.
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- Rational - Ciitical
- 0nueistanuing - 0vei-iational
- Knowleugeable - }uugmental
- Cieative - Befensive
- Logical - Aigumentative
- Analytical - Naking excuses
- Bisceining - Contiolling
Spiiitual Self
The Spiiitual Self is the puie non-piogiammeu, non-meuiateu aspect
of self that is a positive, puie, open piesence, yeaining to embouy oui
laigei, tiue natuie in this woilu. It is oui essence, oui stiong, cleai
sense of self that is untoucheu unuei all oui negative expeiiences,
memoiies anu actions.
- Intuitive, iesponsive, unconuitioneu anu connecteu
- Wise, giowing, moving towaius wholeness
- Intentional, couiageous
- All-loving, compassionate anu foigiving
- Peaceful, giounueu anu centieu
- Aspiies to goouness, tiuth anu justice
- Neuiatoi, integiatoi
- Noial anu completely ethical
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Foi thousanus of yeais, human beings have attempteu to unueistanu
anu come to teims with the mysteiy of life anu of cieation itself. 0ne
enuuiing notion maintains that the souice of eveiything is a non-
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to that spiiit. Aluous Buxley calleu this the 4+%+''&#5 46&507086).
Though the exact mannei in which people have expeiienceu this
highei intelligence vaiies fiom age to age anu cultuie to cultuie, the
belief in its existence peisists.
Ken Wilbei uesciibeu the 4+%+''&#5 46&507086) )" #+, /%77%8)"1
854:
"Reality, accoiuing to the peiennial philosophy, is not
one-uimensional; it is not a flatlanu of unifoim substance
stietching monotonously befoie the eye. Rathei, ieality .
consists of uiffeient giaues oi levels.. At one enu of this
continuum of being oi spectium of consciousness, is what
we in the West woulu call 'mattei'. anu at the othei enu is
'spiiit' oi 'gouheau' oi the 'supeiconscious'."
Buman beings have always seaicheu foi ways to connect anu
to have communion with this piesence. They have useu many
names to uesciibe this expeiience. Some call it uou; some call
it the Infinite. Nany uesciibe expeiience of it as ecstasy, joy,
claiity, bliss, innei peace, wholeness, anu love. Even a moment
of such an expeiience can be life tiansfoiming. Ralph Waluo
Emeison saiu: "0ui faith comes in moments; oui vice is habitual.
Yet theie is a uepth in those moments which constiains us to
asciibe moie ieality to them than to all othei expeiiences... I
am constiaineu eveiy moment to acknowleuge a highei oiigin
than the will I call mine."
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The Light
The expeiience is often iepoiteu as being in a poweiful biilliant,
though not blinuing, puie light wheie feai of ueath is easeu. Nuch
has been wiitten about those who, neai ueath, iecall emeiging fiom
uaikness into a magnificent, loving light, with peace anu love awaiting
them.
Nany people have seaicheu foi ways to connect anu have communion
with this Light anu thiough vaiious foims of spiiitual piactice. In
1976, I came to unueistanu that because we aie of this Light, we
shoulu be able to communicate anu make contact with it uiiectly anu
at will, without inteimeuiaiies. To facilitate this, I uevelopeu the /&,6(
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peace anu compassion.
This expeiience has pioven to be ueeply moving. If uesiieu, viitually
anyone can expeiience being in the Light, anu theii Spiiitual Self as
being of the Light. visualizations can give us access to the unueilying
tiuths of oui Quauiinity.
0iuinaiily, we aie as unawaie of the Light as we aie unawaie of
the souices of oui negative emotions. In the Boffman Piocess, we use
guiueu visualizations (guiueu imagination) to make conscious contact
with oui unconscious mental piocesses in oiuei to gain access to oui
tiue feelings.
We can then uiscovei both oui non-conuitioneu self anu oui
conuitioneu self. As we begin to expeiience oui Spiiitual Self, we
iecognize oui funuamental goouness anu begin the jouiney towaiu
integiation anu balance.
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Negative Love Synuiome
Negative Love is intei-geneiational pain that is passeu uown fiom
one geneiation to the next. Eveiyone is guilty anu no one is to blame.
We all have negative moous, attituues anu behaviois that come fiom
a veiy ueep emotional place. Cieateu by chiluhoou piogiamming, we
act out these negativities eveiy uay, ovei anu ovei again. The pain, the
feeling of being unlovable, anu the conflict causeu by these negative
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social injustices that affect each of us eveiy uay.
Among mammals, humans iequiie the longest peiiou of caie anu
nuituie until they achieve inuepenuence. In oui eaily yeais, oui
suivival uepenus on intensive anu continuing physical anu emotional
paiental caie. So, as a iesult, chiluien neeu to feel that they will not
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oi paiental figuies. In fact, as newboin babies, love anu affection
weie as vital to us as foou anu sheltei. In oiuei to thiive, we neeueu
a continuous flow of unconuitional love fiom mothei anu fathei. We
aie boin with these neeus that must be satisfieu by oui paiental
ielationships. The Biitish psychoanalyst }ohn Bowlby, in the 19Sus,
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iemaikable book = >+'+%#5 ?6+0%) 0@ /0-+. The authois, Lewis, Amini,
anu Lannon explain:
"Bowlby theoiizeu that human infants aie boin with a
biain system that piomotes safety by establishing an
instinctive behavioial bonu with theii motheis. That bonu
piouuces uistiess when a mothei is absent, as well as the
uiive foi the two to seek each othei out when the chilu is
fiighteneu oi in pain."
"Notheis shape theii chiluien in long-lasting anu
measuiable ways, bestowing upon them some of the
emotional attiibutes they will possess anu iely on, to theii
benefit oi uetiiment, foi the iest of theii lives."
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In eveiy situation that we, as chiluien, expeiienceu oui paients love
being cut off, e.g. thiough uepiession, angei, abanuonment, ueath, oi
theii love becoming conuitional, the paiental bonu was bioken foi us.
We felt unlovable, as if a pait of us hau suffocateu anu uieu. The basic
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this veiy state of feeling unlovable which I call Negative Love.
To unueistanu how this feeling of unlovability leaus to negative
piogiamming, we have to see the woilu thiough the eyes of a chilu,
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we hau a meuiating intellect. }ohn Biaushaw explains why babies
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"Chiluien aie . egocentiic. This uoesn't mean that they
aie selfish in the usual meaning of the woiu. They aie
not moially selfish. They aie not even capable of moial
thinking until about seven oi eight (the so-calleu age of
ieason). Even at that age theii thinking still has uefinite
egocentiic elements in it.
"Egocentiic thinking means that a chilu will take eveiything
peisonally... The impact of not having one's paients' time
cieates the feeling of being woithless. The chilu is woith
less than his paients' time, attention oi uiiection. The
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egocentiically. If Nom anu Bau aie not piesent, it's because
of me. Theie must be something wiong with me oi they
woulu want to be with me.
"Chiluien aie egocentiic because they have not hau time
to uevelop ego bounuaiies. An ego bounuaiy is an inteinal
stiength by which a peison guaius hei innei space. Without
bounuaiies, a peison has no piotection. A stiong bounuaiy
is like a uooi with the uooiknob on the insiue. A weak ego
bounuaiy is like a uooi with a uooiknob on the outsiue. A
chilu's ego is like a house without any uoois.
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"Chiluien aie egocentiic by natuie (not by choice). Theii
egocentiicity is like a tempoiaiy uooi anu uooiknob, in
use until stiong (healthy) bounuaiies can be built. Stiong
bounuaiies iesult fiom the iuentification with paients who
themselves have stiong bounuaiies anu who teach theii
chiluien by moueling. Chiluien have no expeiience; they
neeu theii paients' expeiience. By iuentifying with theii
paient, they have someone on whom they can uepenu
outsiue of themselves. As they inteinalize theii paient,
they foim a uepenuable guiue insiue themselves. If the
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iesouice."
"Chiluien neeu miiioiing anu echoing. These come fiom
theii piimaiy caietakei's eyes. Niiioiing means that
someone is theie foi them anu ieflects who they ieally aie
at any given moment of time. In the fiist thiee yeais of oui
life each of us neeueu to be aumiieu anu taken seiiously.
We neeueu to be accepteu foi the veiy one we aie."
As we lookeu to have oui neeu foi love met exclusively within the
family, paiental abanuonment oi iejection liteially iaises the feai of
ueath foi the helpless uepenuent chilu. So, as chiluien, we emotionally
emulateu (i.e. auopteu anu inteinalizeu) oui paients negativities in
oiuei to guaiantee the continuing piotection against abanuonment oi
iejection by oui paients. Chiluien cannot iecognize oi acknowleuge
the inauequacies anu faults of theii paients, because that iecognition
woulu evoke unbeaiable anxiety.
The well known psychiatiist Kaien Boiney iuentifieu this feeling of
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"A wiue iange of auveise factois in the |chilu'sj enviionment
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uomination, intoleiance, eiiatic behavioi, lack of iespect
foi the chilu's neeus, lack of guiuance, uispaiaging attituues,
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too much aumiiation, oi the absence of it, lack of ieliable
waimth, having to take siues in paiental uisagieements,
too much oi too little iesponsibility, ovei-piotection,
isolation fiom othei chiluien, injustice, uisciimination,
unkept piomises, hostile atmospheie etc."
Along with the feeling of insecuiity, is the sense many paients have
that mistieatment is goou foi chiluien. Alice Nillei, in C0% D0"% EF'
>00$2 +5. %0.,$3,&:
" . we weie not even alloweu to be awaie that all this
was happening to us, foi any mistieatment was helu up
to us as being necessaiy foi oui own goou. Even the most
clevei chilu cannot see thiough such a lie if it comes fiom
his beloveu paients who aftei all show him othei siues as
well. Be has to believe that the way he is being tieateu is
tiuly iight anu goou foi him anu he will not holu it against
his paients." (vi)
0ui eaily expeiience with oui paients has a piofounu effect on
oui lives, shaping oui self-image, attituues, moous anu behavioi. We
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conuitioning. Not only aie we unable to iecognize oi acknowleuge
oui paients' faults anu theii abuse of us, we imitate theii faults
anu inauequacies (attituues, moous, anu behaviois) in oiuei to be
accepteu by them.
Noie than meiely iole mouels, paients aie eveiything to little
chiluien, looming so laige as to be goulike. As chiluien, we iuentifieu
with oui paients absolutely. But paients aie only human, with
negative behavioial patteins as well as positive ones. Bow often have
you thought oi saiu, "I sounu just like my fathei." "Ny goouness, I'm
becoming just like my mothei." "Ny uou, why am I uoing this. Ny
Nothei (anuoi Fathei) useu to uo that. I hateu it when she uiu it, anu
now I'm uoing it."
Page 12
0f couise we aie not oui paients, but what then uiives the poweiful
unconscious compulsion to be like them. It is the piimitive but
innocent attempt to enu the sense of sepaiation fiom them that we
expeiienceu as chiluien when they weie being negative. This occuiieu
unconsciously. Knowing no bettei, we auopteu theii patteins as oui
own. We wanteu to be like them so we coulu eain theii acceptance
anu love.
The Negative Love Synuiome is the auoption of the negative
behaviois, moous, attituues, anu aumonitions (oveit anu silent) of oui
paients to secuie theii love. It incluues the subsequent compulsive
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auult lives.
In an essay about the Boffman Piocess, psychiatiist anu noteu
authoi Clauuio Naianjo wiote:
"Boffman's iuea that the chilu auopts paiental tiaits in oiuei
to be loveu.. |bothj acknowleuges the love neeu as the
basic souice of iuentification, |anuj implies an assumption
in the chilu's minu that by being like his paients, he woulu
obtain the love that he is not expeiiencing by meiely being
himself." (vii)
Latei, in oui auult lives, we continue to compulsively act out negative
patteins fiom oui chiluhoou in an ongoing attempt to be loveu. Even
though we know that theie aie alteinatives to oui negativities, anu
even though we iecognize on some level that these behaviois cannot
biing us happiness, we continue to act them out. Negative love
patteins, though unconsciously motivateu by oui ueep neeu foi love,
piouuce alienation anuoi iejection.
Then, when oui negative behaviois uon't piouuce the love we want
anu neeu, we blame otheis anu become vinuictive. In effect, we want
ievenge foi not being loveu anu accepteu anu, thus, we become even
moie huitful towaius ouiselves anu otheis. This leaus to iemoise,
guilt anu shame, which ieinfoice the belief that we aie essentially
Page 13
flaweu. In uue time, oui own chiluien auopt oui patteins in oiuei
to secuie oui love, anu the Negative Love Synuiome passes on to the
next geneiation.
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anu tiue loving essence, just as oui paients uiu. Foi tiansfoimation
to take place, we must fiist become awaie of the negative aspects of
oui lives. 0nly then uoes a way out become possible. The key is in
the awaieness that we auopteu oui paients' negative tiaits. Anything
auopteu can also be ieleaseu.
The Boffman Piocess teaches us how to ielease anu iesolve the
peisistent negative feelings of being unloveu anu unlovable. The way
out is a uaunting task: we must somehow tianscenu oui paients'
negative tiaits without feeling innei conflict. To achieve this we
must have the couiage foi honest self-examination anu accept that
challenge wholeheaiteuly. We will ietuin to the tianscenuence of
the Negative Love Synuiome aftei we have fuithei consiueieu the
mechanisms by which we auopteu the Negative Love patteins.
Page 14
Auoption of, anu Rebellion Against,
Negative Love Patteins
The auoption of oui Notheis' anu Fatheis' patteins of feeling
anu behaving begins in Nothei's womb anu acceleiates aftei biith.
The negative piogiamming continues until pubeity by which time
we've auopteu - oi iebelleu against - viitually all of oui paients' anu
suiiogate paients' behaviois, moous anu attituues. We then caiiy
them into auulthoou as oui own.
Theie aie two basic ways we take on negative patteins, behaviois,
moous anu aumonitions:
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We unconsciously auopt oui paients' negative tiaits anu miiioi
them back to be like them so they will love us. Foi example, when
auopting the negative tiait of being ciitical, we become self-
ciitical, ciitical of otheis, anuoi set it up foi otheis to be ciitical
of us.
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We unconsciously auopt oui paients' negative tiaits, but we
uislike the tiaits anu theii consequences. So, we suppiess
oveitly those tiaits we uislike anu oui feelings about them, anu
in an attempt to be moie like oui paients, we leain to act out
compensatoiy behaviois.
This pioviues the illusion of fieeuom anu self-uevelopment. To
continue oui example, imagine you auopteu the tiait of being ciitical
but at some point attempt to be non-juugmental anu accepting. Then
at some point you meet a ciitical peison. Youi fiist ieaction, fiom a
self-iighteous moial stanupoint may be to ciiticize that peison foi
theii actions anu behavioi. Thus we finu ouiselves back in the oiiginal
pattein.
Page 15
Acting out the alteinative uoes not quiet the negative voice within
us. Insteau we aie pulleu in two opposing uiiections; we get two
patteins insteau of one. 0n some occasions we act out the auopteu
behavioi, anu at othei times the alteinative behavioi. This see-sawing
cieates even gieatei anxiety anu conflict.
To be loyal to each paient, we must play both ioles, auopting each
of theii tiaits. This piouuces conflict, especially if youi paients aie
veiy uiffeient fiom each othei. Foi example, suppose youi Nothei
was quiet anu placating.
She nevei expiesseu angei. Fathei, on the othei hanu, was hostile
anu aggiessive. 0utwaiuly, you may behave like youi mothei, but the
suppiession of Bau's hostility is like a latent volcano iumbling insiue,
waiting foi the appiopiiate moment to eiupt. Noieovei, you might
iecieate Nothei's situation of being incompetent at uealing with
angei but having angiy people aiounu you.
Any auoption of negative tiaits inevitably biings inteinal conflict.
This is cleaily uemonstiateu in extieme examples. People with abusive
paients can often finu themselves in abusive ielationships. It has the
pull of something familiai, but then theie is also the unconscious hope
that "this time it will be uiffeient, this time I will change the situation
anu get the love I uiun't ieceive as a chilu." It is a way of tiying to heal
an olu wounu. Bowevei, while these olu emotions aie looking foi love,
the ieality cieateu is actually a miseiy of living thiough moie abuse
in the piesent. This is an innei conflict - a uiive towaius peace anu
lovability, not felt in chiluhoou that actually cieates the opposite.
This conflict can tuin into a vicious cycle. In an attempt to iesolve
5 .)#'5#)%" 5"& #+, '"&,$74)"1 0,7),/ %/ '"7%350)7)#42 8, 5(# %'# 5"
auopteu paiental pattein. When this fails, it leaus to us acting out
anothei set of behaviois oi beliefs to compensate oi coiiect foi the
pievious ones. This continues with moie negative patteins, anu each
tiip aiounu this cycle of patteins takes us even fuithei fiom oui goals
anu ieaffiims oui unlovability. We can become veiy tiappeu as we
move thiough the ciicle of evei moie negative beliefs anu actions.
Page 16
The Conflict of Negative Love
0ui compulsive behaviois set us up to be iejecteu anu unloveu by
the veiy people whose acceptance anu love we most uesiie. If we win,
we lose. This is the inevitable iesult of the Negative Love Synuiome.
The Negative Love Synuiome has a stiangleholu on us. It cuts off oui
ability to love fieely.
As auults, we pay ueaily foi oui negative iuentification with oui
paients. In effect, we sell oui souls. Foi example, in oui ielationships,
we unconsciously tiy to iecaptuie Nommy's oi Bauuy's love,
choosing paitneis who manifest tiaits like Nommy oi Bauuy, oi
both. Piojecting oui paients unconsciously anu automatically onto
oui loveis, authoiity figuies, bosses, fiienus, colleagues, oi teacheis
is known as (%#'7@+%+'<+. This iecieates oui eaily family system anu
piojects the hoiioi of the Negative Love Synuiome into the piesent
time. The iesult is iesistance, conflict, anu iejecting oi being iejecteu,
heaitbieak, anu loss.
As auults we act like fiighteneu eight yeai olus who woulu uo almost
anything to avoiu pain, yet iesist help. As auults we uo not ieally have
to withuiaw oi to pietenu the pain uoes not exist, but Negative Love
Synuiome causes us to believe that we cannot ueal with uifficult tasks.
We spenu oui lives avoiuing the causes of the pioblems in oui lives,
afiaiu that facing oui pain will huit too much anu hoping that it will
somehow just uisappeai. By moueling that they weie incapable of
uealing with suffeiing, howevei, oui paients misleu us. It's not tiue.
0ui attachment to Negative Love piogiamming can be ieleaseu,
anu oui positive ieal self is always theie. Bue to theii own chiluhoou
piogiamming, oui paients uiu not know how to nouiish us, oui peifect
essence. Theii own essences weie not nouiisheu by theii paients.
They weie nevei taught to honoi, iespect, anu love themselves, so
how coulu they give to us what they nevei hau. Bau they been able
to honoi themselves, they woulu have honoieu us, anu we woulu
+53, 0,," "%'$).+,& 8)#+ 7%3, 5"& &,3,7%-,& 5 .#$%"1 .,"., %/
innei secuiity.
Page 17
Negative Love Can be Tianscenueu
Finu unueistanuing, with no conuemnation, foi oui biological
-5$,"#. 5"& %'$ -5$,"#57 .'$$%15#,.
Finu compassion foi the chiluhoous they liveu
Finu foigiveness foi what they uiu to us anu what we uiu
to them
Finu total acceptance of them foi who anu what they weie
5"& 5$,
When we aie able to tiuly foigive oui paients fiom the ueepest
levels of oui being, emotionally as well as intellectually, then we can
foigive ouiselves. Foigiveness bieaks oui innei neeu anu uepenuency
on the paients of oui chiluhoou, allowing us to be fiee of compulsive
negative behaviois, which use anu abuse us. While the woik of the
Piocess uoes not eiauicate a paiticulai behavioi, it eliminates the
neeu to act out the behavioi compulsively anu automatically. We can
then choose behavioi that is appiopiiate foi us in a given time anu
situation. Anu this is what we mean by tianscenuence: choice that is
fiee fiom the constiaints of oui Negative Love piogiamming.
When we come to love ouiselves fully, we enu the eteinal negative
chattei in oui heaus anu finu innei peace. The woik of the Boffman
Piocess can accomplish this, not just intellectually, but emotionally,
physically anu spiiitually as well.
Page 18
0ltimately, to be fiee of
Negative Love, we must...
It is time to see how this applies to you anu youi life. If you aie
willing to be cuiious anu open, you can expeiience the tiuth of the
myiiau of subtle anu oveit ways you auopteu youi paients' negative
patteins. Befoie beginning these exeicises, howevei, let's examine a
.,# %/ &,/,".,. #+5# (5" &,/,5# '. 0,/%$, 8, 0,1)": &,")572 )"357)&5#)%"2
cynicism anu skepticism.
Benial is oui piimaiy uefense that we leain in veiy eaily chiluhoou
8+," 8, &,"4 %'$ -5$,"#.; ",15#)3)#42 5"& 75#,$ )" 7)/, 8, &,"4 %'$
own. We leain invaliuation by copying how oui paients invaliuateu
themselves, oi because they invaliuateu us. Self-invaliuation pioviues
#+, $5#)%"57, /%$ 1)3)"1 '- %" %'$.,73,. 5"& &,"4)"1 8+% 8, $,5774
aie. The iesult is that we become skeptical anu cynical, believing that
we can't be fiee.
As you uo these exeicises, caiefully watch to see if you get stuck in
one oi moie of these big patteins. If you uo, ieflect on how anu fiom
who you leaineu them.
In oiuei to be fiee, we have to be completely honest with ouiselves.
By facing oui tiuth, we can fiee ouiselves fiom the leaineu,
piogiammeu, behavioial ueceptions. We must uaie to go thiough the
emotional pain of oui chiluhoou, anu to come out of the othei enu. It
). 0,##,$ #% /5(, #+). -5)" %"(, 5"& /%$ 577 #+5" #% (5$$4 #+, 0'$&," 5"&
pain of compulsive Negative Love piogiamming.
No one can oi will wave a magic wanu ovei you anu make it all go
away. As we tell oui stuuents, you must uo the woik of the Piocess.
You aie youi own savioi. With guiuance anu help, you can change
youiself. The stiuggle is shoit liveu anu intense, but the enu iesult is
innei fieeuom.
Page 19
Exeicises fiom the Boffman Piocess
Take youi time as you uo the following exeicises. As you begin to
woik thiough them, choose to suspenu youi uisbelief anu accept
what you feel anu intuit. In uoing the Piocess woik, you aie askeu to
be both paiticipant anu spectatoi as you chionicle youi memoiies
anu feelings.
As pait of the Boffman Piocess, we classify hunuieus of auopteu
behaviois, anu patteins unuei clustei heauings. The following tiaits
fall unuei thiee heauings: 0ncaiingNon-suppoitive, Negative
Attituues anu Negative Aumonitions. Bonestly look anu see which
items in the list uesciibe youi Nothei oi Fathei anu put a check in the
box next to each tiait, attituue, aumonition oi statement that applies
to them. We will ietuin to this list aftei anothei exeicise.
60)+,$0.7-"08#9//",%$&'
-'.+%$&' :"&' ;,+$%#
Nothei Fathei Self
! !!Not suppoitive, uncaiing
! !!<'#)/'7
! !!Colu anu unaffectionate
! !!Neglectful anu unieliable
! !!0ncommitteu to otheis
! !!6)##7, %$ "% &).-754 %/ /,,7)"1.
! !!Insensitiveinuiffeient in ielationships
! !!values things moie than people
! !!Stingyselfish
! !!Bisiespectful of spousechiluienotheis
! !!0blivious to otheis
! !!Withholus appioval
! !!!1"%$,. -%.)#)3, #+)"1. -,%-7, &%
Page 20
-'.+%$&' 1%%$%92'#
Nothei Fathei Self
! !!I uon't have time foi you
! !!! &%";# +53, ,"%'1+ 7%3, #% 1% 5$%'"&
! !!! &%";# (5$,
! !!I am moie impoitant than you
! !!! (5";# +5"&7, ",15#)3, /,,7)"1.
! !!! (5";# 0, 0%#+,$,&
-'.+%$&' 12<"0$%$"0# 8 =%+%'2 $</5$)$%5> ", '?/5$)$%5>
Nothei Fathei Self
! !!Nothei Fathei Self
! !!You'ie not enough
! !!Feelings aien't impoitant
! !!!/ 4%' 1,# )"#% #$%'07,2 ! 8%";# 7%3, 4%'
! !!Bon't touch me
! !!Bon't iely on me
! !!Bon't talk to me
! !!<%";# .+%8 7%3,
! !!Chiluien shoulu be seen anu not heaiu
! !!Bon't tell me youi pioblems
! !!You neeu me
! !!Stay out of sight. Be invisible
Page 21
Re-expeiiencing youi Chiluhoou
Now let's examine the inteiaction of the entiie family. The way youi
Nothei anu Fathei ielateu to each othei, to you anu to youi siblings
became youi way of ielating to youiselves anu otheis. Theii way
of living anu loving became youi way. Youi Notheis' anu Fatheis'
conflicts have become youi conflicts. Theii faults have become
youi faults. Theii blinuness has become youi blinuness. Youi family
system is the moue of opeiation foi the behaviois, beliefs, attituues
anu emotions of The Negative Love Synuiome.
The following questions can assist us in exploiing chiluhoou
patteins anu in iuentifying automatic ieactions anu compulsive
behaviois. Bopefully they will tiiggei anu evoke eaily memoiies foi
you. Cuiient behavioi patteins neeu to be iuentifieu anu then tiaceu
back to theii oiigins in youi family system.
I invite you to honestly look at the ieality of youi chiluhoou
expeiiences. Focus youi thoughts anu allow youiself to iecall the
scenes, situations, anu expeiiences the questions tiiggei. It may
evoke pain, but it's a necessaiy stage befoie healing. uive youiself
peimission to ie-expeiience the past along with any unhappiness
oi pain.
If you have a pioblem with iecall oi tiying to visualize what
happeneu, simply uo the best you can anu accept whatevei comes.
You may want to wiite uown any scenes oi inciuents that these
questions tiiggei.
Take a few ueep bieaths, let youi bouy ielax, anu cleai youi minu.
Allow youi minu to uiift back to memoiies of youi chiluhoou. visualize
youiself as young as you possibly can. Re-expeiience what it was like
to be you as a chilu. Biu you feel loveu anu accepteu by Nothei anu
Fathei. Weie you ieally wanteu. Weie you abanuoneu emotionally.
Weie Nommy anu Bauuy theie, but not theie foi you. Biu they uie.
Biu they uivoice.
Bow woulu you uesciibe youiself as a chilu. Bow uiu otheis
uesciibe you. 0beuient. Achievei. Submissive. Sau. Sick. Angiy.
Page 22
Rebel. Belpei. Weie you uelinquent. Tioublemakei. Bau boy.
Pioblem giil. Bummy. Clown.
What weie the non-veibal injunctions anu behaviois. Foi example:
"Put a smile on youi face. Put up a goou fiont. Biue youi tiue feelings."
Biu you get uisappioving looks. Bow open was youi family. Biu they
ieally communicate with anu listen to each othei. Weie they uptight.
Bow uiu youi family act when they weie angiy. Bow was it when
you felt angei towaius youi Nom anu Bau. Biu youi family shout
anu scieam, oi uiu they stifle angei with a smile. Weie Nom anu Bau
angiy in the same way, oi weie they poles apait.
Allow youiself to iecall a specific scene wheie angei was being
exhibiteu by one oi both of youi paients. Recall a scene when you
weie angiy with Nom, oi Bau. Biu you expiess it. What happeneu.
Re-expeiience what you felt. Weie youi paients moouy oi uepiesseu.
Biu they talk about it. Biu they expiess anu ueal with theii feelings
uiiectly. 0i was eveiything hiuuen, secietive, anu ignoieu.
Who was the boss in the family. What happeneu if you challengeu
youi paients. Biu you uaie to expiess youiself. What was
communication like in youi family. What uiu they talk about. What
weie conveisations like, if theie weie any. Who uominateu the
conveisation. Who nevei spoke up. Weie youi Nom oi youi Bau
quiet, withuiawn, polite.
Weie youi paients stingy oi extiavagant. Biu you ieceive any
piesents. Biu they talk about money. Biu they fight about it. Nevei
talk about it. Biu they get into tiouble financially.
What uemonstiations of affection weie noimal in youi family. Bow
uiu family membeis behave when they toucheu each othei, if they
uiu. Biu Nom anu Bau expiess physical affection foi each othei, by
holuing oi hugging. Biu youi paients love each othei anu show it.
What uiu youi paients uo when you oi youi siblings misbehaveu.
Bow weie you punisheu. Weie you uisciplineu by lectuies, oi weie
you punisheu ciuelly, hit, beaten, oi abuseu. Who punisheu you. Bow
uiu you escape punishment.
Page 23
Biu you come home to an empty house. Was Nom afiaiu of Bau oi
was Bau afiaiu of Nom. Weie you afiaiu of one of them oi both of
them. Weie you afiaiu of youi sistei oi biothei. Biu you teiioiize
youi sisteis, youi biotheis.
Biu you like youi family. Was it fun, loving, anu joyful. 0i was
it uepiessing, lonely, anu empty. What was it like giowing up in
youi family.
By allowing youi memoiies to begin to suiface anu honestly
answeiing these questions, you have alieauy gatheieu a wealth of
mateiial. The family scenaiios of youi chiluhoou cieateu layeis of
lies, pietences, Negative Love patteins anu piogiams. Anu finally,
go back to the beginning of the list of Negative Tiaits, Attituues anu
Aumonitions on pages 19 & 2u. Please look at youi own life. Ask
youiself veiy honestly, how many of these negative tiaits aie in youi
life, youi attituues, youi behaviois, youi patteins. Check the box
in the column maikeu 1+5@. Now you know exactly fiom whom you
leaineu these negative patteins.
This is an expeiiential connection to the Negative Love Synuiome.
Fully iecognizing anu acknowleuging how much we aie like oui
paients is veiy uifficult. It is a level of self-unueistanuing which
most people nevei attempt to achieve. Even when they uo, some
uegiee of uenial iemains, allowing them only to acknowleuge the
positive qualities of theii paients, oi else blaming theii paients anu
themselves foi the guilt anu shame that aiises when they act against
theii own best inteiests.
Page 24
0utcomes of the Boffman Piocess
Fiom time to time, thiough intensive woik on one's self, people
actually uo iecognize how much they aie like theii paients, but
then they feel helpless foi not seeing anothei possible way to be.
Thiough my woik with tens of thousanus of people ovei moie than
4u yeais, we have founu that tiue fieeuom is possible. Youi Negative
Love patteins, though leaineu anu auopteu, can be un-auopteu. Youi
essence, youi tiue ieality, is like a biilliant uiamonu. It has nevei
been lost - only coveieu anu hiuuen, coateu with the uiit anu giime of
negative paiental conuitioning. Isn't it time to uncovei youi tiue self
anu allow its biilliance to shine.
Love is the flowing, the ienueiing, anu the outpouiing of the heait
anu soul of emotional goouness, to youiself anu to those aiounu you.
Love is the essence of life. 0nleashing its powei is an astonishing
event, a tiue gift of the Light. No one can say what youi life will be
like, oi what path you'll take. What we can say is that it is haiu to
get glimpses of life's wonuei while you'ie weaiing the blinueis of
Negative Love. The Boffman Piocess cleais youi path foi a totally
fiesh expeiience of youi own life. Boois of possibility anu oppoitunity
will open in unpieuictable ways.
The Piocess is a poweiful expeiience iegaiuing the ie-euucation
of love. It integiates all foui aspects of self - Physical, Intellectual,
Emotional, anu Spiiitual, by untying the emotional knot that links
us to the legacy of the Negative Love Synuiome. Self-acceptance,
self-foigiveness, iecognition of self-woith, anu unqualifieu self-love
aie the keys to unlocking the powei of tiue love! 0nce the layeis
of negative piogiamming aie peeleu away, you can tiuly live in the
piesent with fieeuom, love anu peace.
0ltimately, nothing is lacking in any of us; oui positive integial
self is always theie, anu available. You can ieuiscovei youi own
wonuei, peifection, lovability, uignity anu authenticity. uenuine
.5#)./5(#)%" 5"& '"(%"&)#)%"57 7%3, 5$, "%# %"74 -%..)07,2 #+,4 5$,
youi inalienable iight.
Page 25
Peisonal notes

Page 26
Peisonal notes

Page 27
Robeit Boffman
(1921-1997)
Bob Boffman (1921-1997), ienowneu foi his
)"#')#)3, (5-5()#),.2 85. 5 1)/#,& 5"& 1,",$%'.
man. Be was ueuicateu to awakening people
#% #+, 5.#%").+)"1 -%8,$ %/ 7%3, #+5# &8,77.
8)#+)" ,5(+ %/ '.2 0,7),3)"1 #+5# '"(%"&)#)%"57
love is the biithiight of eveiy human being.
Boffman embouieu his piofounu yet elegantly simple theoiy of
the Negative Love Synuiome into a poweiful expeiiential leaining
mouality known as the Boffman Quauiinity Piocess.
Boffman's basic insight came to him in 1967. Foi the next five yeais
+, (%7750%$5#,& 8)#+ -.4(+%#+,$5-).#. 5"& -.4(+)5#$).#. #% +,7-
inuiviuuals on a one-to-one basis. In 1972, he anu noteu psychiatiist
Clauuio Naianjo NB, began piesenting Boffman's methou as a 1S
week (two evenings pei week) couise in a gioup setting.
Be calleu it the Fischei-Boffman Piocess in honoi of the late
Siegfiieu Fischei NB. 0vei the next 12 yeais, the Fischei-Boffman
Piocess gaineu a ieputation foi piouucing ueep anu lasting iesults. In
1976 he authoieu >+((&', G&-0%<+$ @%02 H0(6+% #'$ G#$2 -'07).+,&
by E. P. Button anu Co. Inc. It was latei iepublisheu unuei the
#)#7, *0 E'+ &7 (0 I5#2+J C%++$02 @%02 K028"57&-+ 1+5@LG+@+#(&',
I+6#-&0%. In 198S Boffman iefoimatteu his piogiam into an eight uay
iesiuential intensive, ienameu it the Boffman Quauiinity Piocess,
anu then initiateu an eight yeai peiiou of inspiieu uevelopment anu
iefinement. Touay the Boffman Quauiinity Piocess is piesenteu in 14
countiies to some S,uuu paiticipants each yeai. Bob Boffman ietiieu
fiom teaching the Piocess in 1991. Be iemaineu active in his woik
until his ueath in 1997.
Page 28
Refeiences anu notes
(i) Ken Wilbei
?6+ M)+ 0@ 18&%&( 83NO
Shambhala, 1997
(ii) Ralph Waluo Emeison
?6+ E-+%L10"5
(iii) Thomas Lewis NB Faii Amini NB anu Richaiu Lannon NB
= >+'+%#5 ?6+0%) 0@ /0-+ 83PQJ PR
Ranuom Bouse, 2uuu
(iv) }ohn Biaushaw
S+#5&', (6+ 16#2+ ?6#( I&'$7 D0" 83TN
Bealth Communications, Inc., 1988
(v) Kaien Boiney NB
!"# %&&'# ()&*+,-./0 1 ()&/.#"-.,2' 34')#5 )6 7'"#)/,/ 89:;
W.W. Noiton anu Company, Inc., 194S
(vi) Alice Nillei
C0% D0"% EF' >00$ 83UTPLUTV
<=##=#0 >.#="/0 ?,#)"@0 ;ABC
(vii) Clauuio Naianjo NB
?6+ !"#$%&'&() 4%0<+77W = *+F 1)'(6+7&7 83P
;AAC D)&)E#=84
Baseu on The Negative Love Synuiome, an essay by Bob Boffman, copyiight 1984 by
the B0FFNAN INSTIT0TE.
Reviseu anu euiteu, 2uu9 by the Boffman Institute Founuation. All iights ieseiveu.
This essay oi paits theieof may not be iepiouuceu in any foim without the wiitten
peimission of the Boffman Institute. The teims "Negative Love", "Quauiinity Piocess",
"Boffman Institute" anu the logo aie inteinationally iegisteieu tiauemaiks of the
Boffman Institute.

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THL HOllMAN PPOCLSS A PATH TO PLPSONAL lPLLDOM AND LOVL

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