ANGER MANAGEMENT

H OW T O C ONTROL Y OUR A NGER T O G ET T HE M OST O UT O F Y OUR L IFE A NGER M ANAGEMENT T IPS A ND E XERCISES
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HEALING THE PAIN OF ANGER BY TAKING RESPONSIBILITY OF YOUR ACTIONS

There are many different reasons why people may suffer from anger management issues, but the way in which their anger is portrayed is often very similar. Its never their fault! Have you noticed that? Its your fault for making him late for a meeting. Its the kids fault for making too much noise during a favourite TV program. Its the fault of every other driver on the road for contributing to the traffic jam on the way to work. Its the fault of everybody and everything else. Some people have the kind of disposition that makes it possible for them to see the lighter side of problems, to deal calmly with whatever life throws at them and to always remain positive. Does this mean that nobody has made them late? No. Does it mean that their kids arent noisy? No. Have they ever been stuck in a traffic jam? Yes, of course they have. So its not the fault of the situation, its the reaction to the situation which creates anger problems. A very important aspect of dealing with anger related problems is by realising that its not always everyone elses fault. If someone bumps into you and spills coffee down your shirt, step back, think, did they do that on purpose? of course not, so is it their fault? not really, its an accident and accidents happen. By stepping back from a situation and trying to see it from the other persons point of view can be an extremely positive step forward in managing your anger and leading to a happier life for all. By allowing your anger to get the better of you can make even the smallest situation soon escalate into a massive problem, and the sooner you realise that nothing good comes from losing control, the better.

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REDUCE THE STRESS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE

In this modern, fast-paced world, stress is around every corner. We are under stress at work to achieve more and more, we are under stress at home to provide more and more for our families, we are under stress on the way to work, traffic jams, packed commuter trains, we are constantly bombarded by telephones and emails, its kind of like the whole world is geared towards stressing us out. While to a certain extent many people can thrive in this environment for a short time, it is equally important to take time out and reduce as much stress as possible in order to live a long and happy life. Some people find that sport is the best way to reduce stress, particularly if you are engaged in mentally difficult tasks during the week. If you are cooped up in an office from Monday to Friday, you may find it relaxing to get onto the soccer pitch every weekend, or play a game of tennis or squash with friends, using pent up physical energy and you will probably find that you come away feeling physically tired yet calm. For some, however, who are physically stressed throughout the week, they might find it more relaxing to listen to music, or just to enjoy a pleasant dinner or chat with friends as a way of relaxation. To join an evening class can be extremely therapeutic for some. The important thing about relaxation is that it takes your mind off the things which are making you stressed in the first place. You may think that you are too busy to take time off, but mark my words, a few hours spent relaxing will be more than paid back in extra efficiency and clear thinking when getting back to the tasks at hand.

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DISRUPT OLD PATTERNS OF ANGRY BEHAVIOR, REPLACE THEM WITH HEALTHIER ONES
We all feel angry from time to time, and while many people learn to deal with their anger as a normal part of growing up, some other people find it more difficult to react to situations which makes them feel angry in an irrational way, and lose their temper very quickly. Fortunately, this learned behavior can be successfully unlearned, and new, healthier patterns of behavior replace it. Children learn much of their behavior from watching their parents, and if you always tend to overact in an angry way to some situations, then the chances are that your children will learn that it is the correct way to behave. The best way to raise a calm, controlled child is for him to be brought up in a calm, controlled environment. To lead by example is the single most effective course of action you can ever take. If you child does start to show traits of poor anger management it is important to stop the situation quickly and calmly. Do not fight anger with anger. Instead, calmly and firmly find out what has caused the anger, and talk it over to find a suitable solution to the situation. Just by saying stop you can successfully interrupt the negative behavior pattern and reinforce a more positive way of dealing with the situation. You may find it necessary to teach your child some simple techniques so that they can learn to control themselves. By taking deep breaths and counting to ten, you can successfully remove yourself from a stressful situation enough to be able to cope in a more rational and measured way. By practicing these techniques in front of your children they will soon learn a more positive and healthy way to react to situations, and grow up to be more balanced and happy adults.

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DONT DWELL ON THE PAST, LOOK FORWARD AND ACCENTUATE THE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE
How much time do we spend thinking about the past? Plenty is the answer to that one. Sometimes we remember the good old days, when the kids were young, when we were young, a particular holiday or event, when life was more fulfilling and fun (in our memories anyway). Unfortunately we also sometimes remember the bad times, regret decisions we made, or didnt make, the old what if Id done that? scenario. Well, although the past has formed who we are so far, the present is the only thing which we can really do anything about. Dont dwell on the past, the past is the past, its gone, finished, over, and although we can certainly learn from experiences in the past, to re-live the past instead of focusing on the future can only hold you back. Yesterday is gone, but tomorrow, wow, tomorrow, who knows what might happen, a whole new day to explore and use for the benefit of improving the future of you and all those around you. By looking to the future you can shape the rest of your life, not the part of the life that has already happened, but the rest of your life, the part thats still to come, exciting, new and different. Focus on the good things in your life and how you can make them even better, live each day to the full and your future will get brighter and brighter. Make plans for the future; give yourself something to look forward to. Book a vacation, organise a party, visit friends, enrol on a course for something which youve always fancied having a go at but never had the time, weve all got one of those hidden in the back of our minds. Look to the future, its bright, its coming, whether you like it or not, and its there for you to enjoy so make it a good one.

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TALK ABOUT YOUR ANGER

Much anger is borne out of frustration and cooped up emotions, and to learn to talk about your anger can be an important method of therapy for anyone who is learning to deal with anger issues. If someone, for example, makes you particularly angry, dont just lash out or shout, but remove yourself from the situation and try to stay calm. It is then a good idea to talk to the person who makes you angry and try to come to a satisfactory solution. Tell them why you feel angry and what happened to trigger the reaction. Probably they will realise that they make you angry, but will have no idea why, and to discuss the situation calmly can be a positive experience for both parties. Sometimes you may find it difficult to know exactly why you are angry, and in this situation it is important to really try to analyse your feelings. Very often it is not the actual trigger which is the cause of the anger; it can be deep rooted with some feelings from your past, or something which happened earlier in the day which has made you feel frustrated or uncomfortable in some way. By joining a therapy group you will have the opportunity to not only talk about your own anger experiences, but also listen to those of others. You may find it surprising that your experiences are not so very different from many others in the group, and that by learning what works for them it could possibly be the same for you. Sometimes the reason can be staring you in the face but you just havent recognised the fact, but by someone else acknowledging it you realise that its the same for you. Just by opening communication and talking about things you can really let out whats deep inside of you and be a much calmer, happier person. This will be a benefit not only to you, but also to those around you.

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POSITIVELY CHANNELING YOUR ANGER THROUGH WRITING

There are lots of different techniques and activities which people can use to help to control anger management. Many people find it therapeutic to use art as a form of letting out pent up emotions, making pictures or models of their deepest thoughts, but for many, the medium of writing is the best alternative. One important exercise which can be used to help with anger management control is by simply writing down a number of things which make you angry. This can be enlightening, as to actually have to write the specific triggers which make you angry can be a very good place to start when learning how to deal with these triggers. Story writing and poetry can also be extremely helpful therapy for anyone who has anger management problems. It is important to let your real feelings flow, poetry is especially helpful as your thoughts can be portrayed in a much more abstract way, and your pent up frustrations and emotions can pour out onto the page in front of you and help you to feel more able to cope without anger. If you are not used to this sort of exercise, you may find it therapeutic to simply write a list of words about how you feel, and then form them into some sort of poem at a later stage. You may find that you are inadvertently writing about something which has happened in your past, and by simply recognising the problem you are already part way to diffusing the hold it has over you. You will very likely get to really enjoy the writing, and as you become more practised be able to write in more depth and detail about any events which have become important to you. By letting feelings out onto a page can really help to make the negative move over and allow the positive to come flooding back.

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BREAK THE ANGER CYCLE BY TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN POSITIVE WAYS OF DEALING WITH ANGER
Children are learning from their parents all of the time, even when we forget that they are there they are still watching and learning from our behaviour and how we handle certain situations. To display road rage while your child is in the car is displaying to your child a negative way to deal with anger, and your child will possibly follow your example. In order, therefore, to teach our children to deal with anger in a positive way, we must lead by example. When dealing with a very young child it is important to remember that they are still learning how to deal with emotions, and if you deal with their tantrums by getting angry yourself, you are really teaching them that it is ok to do so. Try and remain calm when dealing with angry children, (I know its easier said than done sometimes), and you will teach them that there is a way to work through anger and control it so that it doesnt have to become out of control. Everyone gets angry for a reason, even children, and an important step is to find out the reason for the anger. If you can talk to your child about these reasons you may find that you can help them to deal with it in another way. It may be that another problem, at school or with friends is the real cause for the anger, and it might be something which can be solved with a little adult help and advice. Do not fall into the trap of reacting to anger with anger. Patience and understanding are much more positive reactions, and hopefully once the child realises that he or she is in a safe, secure and loving environment there is no need to show uncontrollable anger at all.

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! USING VISUALIZATION AND RELAXATION TECHNIQUES TO CALM YOUR ANGER Art and creative expression can be very useful forms in which to manage or calm feelings of frustration and anger. By relaying our inner feelings and emotions onto paper we can sometimes rid ourselves, or at least come to terms with the inner turmoil which could otherwise engulf us and cause angry and destructive outbursts. This technique has often been used as a way of helping children to cope with periods in their lives which have been unpleasant or frightening. Children who are sad or disturbed by something will often draw dark and abstract pictures, and by being able to display these feelings and then, if necessary, to rip up the pictures and throw them away, it can be a therapeutic exercise which helps them to deal with otherwise impossible memories. They may find this much easier than actually talking about their ordeal. When using art and visualization as a technique to calm your anger it is important to let yourself go. Dont worry about the finished product, whether it will be a nice picture, just draw and paint whatever you feel and let it all out, regardless of others. Another way which you may find helpful in dealing with anger is through dance and movement. By moving, unselfconsciously, maybe repeating moments which you have lived through and find particularly disturbing, or moving in a way to combat things which have happened to you can be a very freeing experience and helpful therapy for anger issues. Relaxation techniques can also be very useful when dealing with anger management issues. Deep breathing from the diaphragm, for example, is known

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! to relax the body and leave you feeling calmer. Take time out in your day to really practice this for a few minutes and you will be amazed at the results. ATTENDING SUPPORT GROUPS AS A POSITIVE OUTLET FOR YOUR ANGER Once you have acknowledged that you have an anger management problem, the next step is to decide to do something about it. Of course, realising you have a problem is a very important step in itself, and there are plenty of self-help techniques which you can use to help you to control your anger instead of allowing it to control you. There are plenty of self help groups around, and there is sure to be one in your local area if you just take the time and trouble to ask. By attending a support group for anger management you will join a group of people who all have similar problems, and you may be surprised at how many other people have the same daily fears and problems as you do. It might take a while before you feel comfortable enough in front of these relative strangers to open your heart, which is necessary for you to be able to address your issues, but just by listening to other people will be a big step forward and you will soon realise that youre not alone with your anger control issues. Other peoples experiences can often help you to deal with your own problems. Anger support groups can be a very useful tool in your anger management strategy, but it is also important to practice self help techniques between meetings. In this way you will be able to report your progress to the rest of the group and share positive experiences. For many people, the simple technique of stepping back from a situation, taking a deep breath and counting to ten can be very effective, and this is something which you should think about whenever you can feel yourself starting to get angry and are in danger of losing control.

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WHY YOU NEED AN ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM

For many people who suffer from anger management problems, realising that they have the problem and are ready to deal with it is the first real step towards solving the issues and making life more enjoyable for everyone concerned. Many people who suffer from anger issues will try to deal with the problems themselves, and while there are some very useful techniques which you can use, it is really more difficult to try to combat anything of this nature alone, and you are much more likely to succeed if you join an Anger Management Program. Of course, you wont even agree to join a program until you really acknowledge that you need help, and then thats already the first step towards dealing with the problem. There are three major advantages to joining a professional program, and Ill outline each of them for you now. The first benefit is the fact that you will have a knowledgeable, professional person guiding you through every step of the way. While you may think that you can manage alone, it is always preferable to have someone beside you who knows the potential pitfalls. Secondly, this person can act as a motivator. While going through any life changing process, stopping smoking, drinking, or anger management, there will always be down times when you need someone who you trust to encourage and motivate you. The last reason is to measure your success. How will you know whether you are making satisfactory progress without someone there who knows the score?

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! By joining an anger management program you can make new friends and compare notes, compare things which have worked for you, encourage each other and report on your own progress. Its really much better and more successful than going it alone.

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