The Jane Austen Book Club

Enter a taciturn but aggressively handsome man Darcy: Oh, blast, not again. From the other side enters an alert, fairly pretty woman with a sharp but kind manner. Elizabeth: Whats that, Darcy my love? Darcy: Oh, Lizzie, you really dont want to know. Elizabeth: Now that only makes me want to know even more, something you well know! You will tell me or Ill be forced to gently extract it from you by a Chinese water torture of gentle prodding over weeks and months, something that would give neither of us any particular delight. So tell me this secret you are so very reluctant to reveal. Darcy: Very well. Its... Susan. Elizabeth: Susan? Oh, really... No, youre serious. But... Susan? Susan, Susan the supermarket girl? Again? Darcy: Yes. Elizabeth: But she cant. She cant possibly. Darcy: And yet she is! Elizabeth: Does she not read any other books, was there some unusual and highly specific deficiency in her education? Darcy: One assumes so. Elizabeth: I admit that there is... romance in our story... and moments of wit... A satisfying moral, a fair portioning out of blessings and comeuppances to those that have earned or deserve them... Darcy: It is a fine tale. Elizabeth: But to read it this many times is morbid monomania, something I cannot condone. Darcy: Im starting to feel a little guilty. Elizabeth: You? Guilty? Why? Darcy: Well, it has been some time since she had a boyfriend... Elizabeth: And...? Darcy: Well, I am quite handsome, and as the book says in possession of a good fortune. It is natural that she is... beguiled. Elizabeth: In possession of good fortune perhaps but no longer in want of a wife, need I remind you. (If she has a fan this is where she thwacks him on the arm with it) Darcy: Oh, Lizzie, of course not. You are the one I love! I meant it merely in the... literary sense. Elizabeth: As you will. But what are we to do?

Darcy: Oh, Lizzie, I only wish I knew! Enter Jesus: Jesus: Her mother was the same way. Darcy: Oh, hello, Jesus. What brings you to Netherfield Hall? Jesus: Just passing time between gospels. But, yes, Susans mother was exactly the same, would only ever read the Bible. Nothing could induce her to try another work. It must be some genetic trait. Its well and good to enjoy a book, and the Bible is a fine book but Ive never felt it should be anyones only book. Of course thats just my opinion. Darcy: Well, Jesus, as always you have hit upon the nature of the problem. We are dealing with a... literary monogamist. Elizabeth: I concur. Its delightful when someone reads our story one does have some pride in ones tale, after all. But this is all a bit too much. She was in high school when she first read our book and it feels like that she hasnt really learnt anything since then. Shes just letting her own life pass her by. I for one feel that our book should have a more edifying effect on its reader. Enter Kirk and Spock Kirk: We have the same problem. I am Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise and this is my good friend Lieutenant Spock and our fans are also extremely annoying. Elizabeth: Why is Denny Crane dressed like a star ship captain? And why is he so young and virile? Spock: It may be my Vulcan heritage speaking through me but I believe we should approach Susans problem logically. It seems that she needs to go back to school and finish her education. This will improve her self-esteem and lead to future opportunities such as boyfriends or more rewarding employment. I believe that her twentieth century earth government will provide her with an income while she studies. Kirk: Spock, you magnificent bastard! Spock: While I am incapable of experiencing the thing you call emotion it is socially appropriate for me to thank you for your praise. Darcy: But how will we get the message across to her? Kirk: I have a crazy plan I havent really thought through but I think it just might work! Elizabeth: Well, tell us more about your crazy plan. Kirk: We need to change the ending of the story! Pride and Prejudice! We help her with her own life by showing her the way forward in the story! Darcy: A play within a play! Just like Hamlet! Elizabeth: Yes, but lets not get Hammy involved, a lovely man but he just never seems to get anything done. Darcy and I are all for your clever little stratagem. Jesus: Do you need any help? Kirk: Of course, Jesus. Do you mind playing a zombie?

Jesus: Ive always been interested in amateur dramatics. I think I can manage it. (Jesus tries walking like a zombie) Elizabeth: Does it have to be zombies though? I find zombies rather trite personally. Spock: May I suggest then that Jesus plays a vampire instead? They both seem to be immune to burial, they have that much literary contiguity in common. (Jesus tries some Vampire snarling.) Kirk: Its decided. Elizabeth and Darcy, take your places and begin to play out the end of the book. Spock, Jesus and I will do the rest. Kirk, Spock and Jesus run off stage. Elizabeth and Darcy begin to enact the final moments of Pride and Prejudice. Darcy: No, Elizabeth, it you I love. While I may be proud, and you were certainly prejudiced against my pride, we both learnt to work through our respective problems of pride and prejudice and can now be happily married. Jesus enters. He now has a vampire cape and fangs. Elizabeth: No, Darcy, behind you! Darcy tries to turn but at that moment vampire Jesus falls on him. Theres a lot of screaming but finally Darcy falls to the floor. Sated, vampire Jesus flees the stage. Elizabeth then cradles Darcy in her arms. Elizabeth: Oh, Darcy, my Darcy, whatever will I do now? Darcy: Youre have to go on without me Elizabeth. Youll need to take care of yourself now. You wont be able to expect a wealthy husband will fall into your lap and solve all of your problems. Fortunately there is financial assistance available for people who want to improve their skills. Go to university. Complete your education. It is my... dying wish... (Darcy then gives an extremely unconvincing death scene) Kirk and Spock enter. Kirk: Oh, no, what a tragedy. Say, young lady, Star Fleet is always looking for cadets with a certain quickness to them. Come back with us to the future and train to become a starship captain. Elizabeth: I am grieved by the passing of Darcy but will go with you to seek a better future for myself. And to fight Klingons. Kirk, Spock and Elizabeth exit. There is a quiet moment. Then Darcy sits up. Darcy: Oh, Im a vampire now. But where is Elizabeth? Jesus re-enters. He has shed his fangs and cape. Jesus: It is I, Jesus Christ. Your true love Elizabeth has gone with Kirk and Spock to the future where she will have a happy and rewarding career as the Captain of the S.S. Sensibility. But her life will never be truly complete without you. Take my time machine, go to the future! Now that youre a vampire youre even sexier! Darcy: Youre right, I am sexier! But, wait you have a time machine?

Jesus: Yes, I have a time machine. Quickly, go to it! Or not quickly, its a time machine, you can go not quickly if you want. I must stay here to deliver the epilogue. Darcy runs off. Jesus takes centre stage. Jesus: And so it was that by studying at Starfleet Elizabeth Bennett became all that she could be. And while it seemed like she had lost Darcy forever, they were ultimately reunited thanks to Jesus and his time machine. And so it was that everyone learnt that things never come easily by sitting around waiting but by seizing the opportunities you have and working hard. Everyone also learnt that you should mix up your literary tastes a little and open yourself up to a wide variety of influences. If anyone is thinking that this applies to their own life maybe they should take that as a subtle hint. The... End. At that moment Darcy and Kirk burst onto stage. They exchange punches and tackles in an elaborate but brief stage fight. Elizabeth follows them on. Kirk: I have to kill him, hes a vampire! Elizabeth: No, you cant kill him, hes the man I love! Jesus: Or is it... to be continued!?