For my Mother-in-law, Padma Menon

who has been a strong support for me

in my most difficult times

Published in India in March 2007 by:

Nirmala N. Menon
#294, Whitefield Main Road
Whitefield, Bangalore-560 066

Cover Design & Illustrations: M.B. Suresh Kumar

Printed at Vykat Prints Pvt. Ltd., Bangalore

All rights reserved. No part of the material in this publication

may be reproduced, except by special permission of the copyright
owner. Reproduction of this material in any form whatsoever
without authorization is a violation of copyright.

ISBN 978-81-7525-835-8

ii iii
 Acknowledgements
My sister Sita Nayar, who patiently edited this book and gave me her
valuable suggestions (some of which I accepted) despite her tight schedules
and the wonderful work she is doing with children, which can do without
interruptions.
My mother Rajeswari Nayar, who still wants me to put my best foot forward.
My husband Narayan, for his support, tolerance and fantastic sense of
humour.
My son Prahlad, who has finally begun to take pride in a mother such as I.
My son Siddharth, who has been my worst critic-thank you!
My friends Mamtha Adiga, Susan Thomas, Diedre Inamdar, Rashmi Kapoor,
Bhagya Suvarna, Shashi Reddy, Salju Jose, Sheeba & Mathew, Franco &
Marielle, my aunt Nirmala N. Menon and my cousins Maya Nair & Anita
Nayar for simply believing in me.
iv
Introduction
My Life…
The bamboo bush has always fascinated me as being sturdy, yet elegant. I have
often compared my life to that of a Bamboo bush, for reasons beyond what is
obvious to the naked eye. It emanates from a small story of faith I once read
on how a bamboo sapling took five whole years to sprout from the earth, while
all along it was building strong roots for survival. And then, slowly but surely,
within six months, the sapling rose to become a 100 feet tall bush.
In my life too, all the times of struggle were actually times when I was sprouting
roots, which has given me the strength to take on life despite its trials and
tribulations, in the best possible way, each time. And that is probably why as the
story goes, God never intended that I be a fern in the first place, but a bamboo.
My Thoughts…
Today we must make a bid
to take each day gracefully
…as now is the time for placid refrains
and calm, contained overtures
…for a peace within ourselves
amongst ourselves
Towards a New Harmony with Life.”
‘Towards a New Harmony with Life’ is a collection of ‘passing  thoughts’ written
by me over a span of 27 years, though many of them have been written in the
past 7 years.
These comprise my innermost thoughts arising from actual experience-hence
they are both introspective as well as retrospective. A phase in which I have
grown in both mind and soul.
By sharing these thoughts, I hope there will be others who will identify with my
experience and that it will help them ease their minds-in just knowing that
there have been and are others like they.
In this collection I have also reflected certain events totally unconnected with
my life, but which have made a marked impression on my psyche.
I wish you a happy reading experience.

Contents
1. Towards a New Harmony with Life 1
2. The Street Child 5 22. Figuratively Speaking 64
3. Loves Labour Lost 8
4. Moods 11
5. Despondence 12
6. Happiness 15
7. Sense & Sensitivity 18
8. Devastation 21
9. My Father. My Icon 22
10. The Arid Reality 29
11. An Epitome of Grace 31
12. You had it all… 35
13. The Brain Tumor 39
14. The Crucifixion 41
15. Oh Universe, do remember! 44
16. A Cataclysmic Existence 47
17. Escape 49
18. Happiness-Lead the Way 52
19. A Young Man who came my Way 54
20. Why? 59
vi
21. Don’t tell a Soul 63
23. Clear that Conscience 67
24. Moksham-Our Home 71
25. I Cherish you my Love 75
26. The Iconoclast 77
27. Here’s to us…! 79
28. A wish for you, my Sister 79
29. Oh Insecure World, Heal Thyself 80
30. The Very Special Girl on the Campus 82
31. I thought that our Friendship… 86
32. Shine On! 89
33. The Inspiration 91
34. Work not, Want not 93
35. Grudgingly 94
36. Restlessness 100
37. An Intimate Encounter 102
38. I Believe 103
39. Being True to Oneself 109
vii
1. Towards a New
Harmony with Life
What a glorious world it was then
when I was little
with never a care whether or not
one was right
or one was wrong.

Waking up each morning

to birds chirping
Oh! For that carefree feeling!
The sound of dribbling balls
and trickling waters
Of open blue skies
with white cotton tufts
Like candy floss
ready to sink my teeth into
Beckoning me to head outdoors
And then, after a long days play
running back to a place called home.

To Mother’s cuddlesome warmth

and her delicious bakes


The sound of her softly humming Today, we must make a bid
tender refrains To take each day gracefully
reflecting her truly gentle spirit …as now is the time for placid refrains
I wonder today and calm, contained overtures
Were all my friends so lucky? …for a peace within ourselves
amongst ourselves
The memory of early teenage years Towards a New Harmony with Life.
with its long walks, ice cream in hand
20th May 2003, Monte Carlo
discussing the latest Grecian tales read
or merely indulging in light hearted banter
huddling around bonfires
or watching cricket matches
giggling from high verandas
at just how awkward boys could be.

Life today, with its heartbreaks and

miseries
Can hardly compare with those times
When happiness came in cupfuls-
unending and seemingly forever!

 
 2. The Street Child
Raising his melancholic eyes
He sits in a street corner
beside an enormous garbage bin.
He appears frail,
so obviously a minor.

As I slow down at the traffic light

he catches my eye
He senses my curiosity
and approaches me hurriedly
In a desperate bid to get there-
lest I leave.

“Ma ! I have been hungry all day”,

he seems to say
patting his stomach pitifully
A heart rending plea
which touches my soul instantly.

Behind the windscreen, I suddenly feel

distanced
I look away. Torn between my empathy
on the one hand
And fear that my generosity be
misconstrued-
on the other .

 
A familiar warning crosses my mind- Is this God’s way
“Don’t encourage Begging” of showering his choicest blessing
With a million different justifications on one such as I.
given each time I conclude with a familiar refrain that
Save- compassion for the lesser mortals! suddenly crosses my mind.
“Oh Lord-we thank Thee”
I shake away these fears
and decide that 18th August 2003, Bangalore
the little mite needs food,
most of all.
I reach out into my bag
and pull out a Five Rupee note
I lower the window and in a flash
I feel the money snatched
and see him skip away
with a quick backward glance
looking relieved and no longer
mindful of whether or not I zip away.

Just as I leave I notice

him glance back yet again
He then gives me that
unforgettable smile
One so beautiful
I ask myself

 
3. Loves Labour Lost
Disillusionment has set in
Life ceases to have any meaning
Absolute disenchantment
every which way
Need this insignificant existence
go on?
Rebuked, rejected
I stand drained
All my pains only my own
Why must I go on this way
I see no light at the end of the road
Oh Lord, please give me the call
I’ve had my fill
And I must move on.

When the very charm of living ceases 12th October 2002, Bangalore
to entice
When every dedicated caring action
is taken for granted
And oft undermined.
Rolled into an unimportant scrap of
crushed paper
And discarded in the bottomless bin
of existence

Like an atrophied being,

I now stand small
despite the laborious years
left behind
Tired to my very bones.

 
 4. Moods
Multifarious. Multifaceted.
Vibrant. Vivacious.
Personifying exuberance
Positive energy set aflame
Outcome scintillating
In Crimson and Yellow Hues
Strewn across the Canvas
Creating havoc in a Spectator’s mind
Action being the call of the hour
Results sought in Urgency
Aggression surges to a tumultuous end.

Suddenly the mood mellows

Pastels. In Hues of Blue and Grey.
Unhurried yet perhaps Melancholic
Lamenting an unfortunate occurrence
Or merely, a morose existence.

And then pleasure enters

in flushes of Pink and Lavender
Serene and dim-Cool yet laid back
The day has levelled off.
Life seems less tiresome
More livable
A day is finally done.

24th July 2004, Bangalore

10 11
5. Despondence
Why have I stopped drawing flowers?
you ask me
Because my heart is so sad, I reply.
Will my heart be happy ever again?
Life has much to offer you yet
You deserve to be set free
Live on!
16th August 1985, Bombay

A sister’s wish for me today-

‘A day as sunny as your smile
As warm as your ways
As generous as your heart
and as wonderful as you!’
Is that how I was-am I still like that?

Oh fie, for being smitten by such

overwhelming sorrow!
Mankind, do you know what love is?
It means caring till it hurts
So intense and beautiful a feeling,
Yet it brings pain alongside.

Quit drowning in your anguish; cheer up,

I tell myself.
Shake off the despondence,
dejection and despair
And bring back that once splendid form.
Do not wilt, shrivel and die
like a sunflower kept in a dungeon.

12 13
 6. Happiness
Happiness.
A state of mind.
A joyous state of being.
Frets and fears kept aside
No room for ill thoughts-
Nor Regrets.

It is now time for genuine

heartfelt merriment
A time for pleasant thoughts
of Sunshine and Swaying palms
And the joyous sound of
children’s laughter.

For the very simple things

which bring cheer to our lives
For the trickling of water
the rustling of leaves
the twinkling of stars
against a clear night sky
the ringing of temple bells
and the morning sounds of
an awakening village.

14 15
Let us stop and think
about how truly fortunate
we are
Let us never forget to count
our blessings
Let us vow to make
that special difference in those
whose lives we touch

And that special effort to live

for the present moment
-wisely and sincerely-
performing our duties
with happiness
and equanimity of mind
Keeping bad thoughts at bay
And good thoughts all the way!

16th August 2006, Monte Carlo

16 17
7. Sense and Sensitivity did not override
the sense of being
Callous lifestyles humane.
Brutal interactions
Impenetrable carapaces A time when we
Lachrymose existences were responsible
for our every action.
Bringing to mind
When time stood still
a time when the realms
and there were takers
of gentleness,
But Alas, our desperation
love and compassion
for success
never ceased to be
in this rat race
A time when beauty Has left us starved
and generosity of the very sensitivity
were unrelenting we need
and there for the taking to build a better
A time when life did world today.
not seem such a 2nd January 2007, Monte Carlo
tiresome race.

A time when there was

melody and harmony
and the plural will
to live
A time when the sense
of passion

18 19
8. Devastation
Devastation.
The world over.
Unraveling the mysteries of Fate
Depredation everywhere
Devouring our flesh and
Ravaging our Souls
Till we become
A big void
In the vast universe.

A ghostly remain of
what was intended to be
A pure and wholesome
World.

Devastation.
Sudden and sure-
Oft without a harbinger of
misfortune.
Intended by evil minds
to erase our Existence
from under our very feet.
Till-we are reduced to
Microbial Nothingness.

25th August 2006, Monte Carlo

21
9. My Father. My Icon.
My father. My icon.
A man who never forgot
to live. Or love.
A man who worked hard to achieve
Nothing, short of the best.
Such Tenacity. Such Fortitude.
Such single-minded focus.
The eternal perfectionist.
Why did I forget to tell you,
you were the best?

My father. So disciplined and

dynamic a man
So fine a being.
Loved by many,
disliked by some.
A man who never feared
to speak his mind
when the need arose.

A man with humor

so impeccable,
He was the life of every
party
He filled the world around him

22 23
 with wholesome and unrestricted
laughter.
My father. With his ‘Never say die’
spirit.
His flashes of temper, we learnt
to live with.
Genes I inherited from him-
so liberally.
My father, who sought several opinions
and finally did just as he would have,
in the first place.
A man who knew his own mind
therefore
Yet was unaware of it.
My father. Surveyor. Civil Engineer.
Professor. Army Officer
Sportsman, Actor.
Writer, Orator, Translator,
Carnatic Musician, Flautist.
Par Excellence!
A fitting descendent, truly worthy
of his ancestry!
From the lineage of
Mahakavi K. C .Keshava Pillai
24
and R. Narayana Panicker.
My father, who pursued his
literary talents after retirement.
A man who wrote the first
ever Malayalam Thesaurus
And released its 3rd edition
before he died at 80.
A man who for 12 long years
dreamed, spoke, wrote,
breathed and dissected
Malayalam words
With friends and kin alike
even during his morning walks
To finally finish his exhaustive
but complete Thesaurus.
And how they remember!
My father. Who’s works also
included ‘The Rivers of India’
and an Encyclopaedia on
Surveying, Mapping and Remote
Sensing
And not to be outdone on
the fiction front,
Translated Oscar Wilde’s
‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ and
25
George Eliot’s ‘Adam Bead’,
into Malayalam.
My father, our pride.
Why did I forget to tell you that?
Father, I could not see you
helpless and bedridden
inarticulate and voiceless.
So unlike the man who
was the personification
of ‘joie de vivre’ all his life!
I prayed then that God
we work at with
single-minded devotion.
‘And you Daddy, will remain
with me-
a memory
I will forever cherish
Till the very last breath
leaves my body
And Daddy, I salute you
‘In gratitude, love and pride.’
4th November 2006, Bangalore

would either give you back

Your once fine form
or alleviate you
of your misery.

Father, I am grateful
I was born your daughter
Regretful
that I could not have
spent more time with you
But you have always shown us
through example
That each one of us
has a role to play
In this scheme of Life which

26 27
 10. The Arid Reality
Nostalgia grips
as recreated memories
sporadically interspersed
with wistful yearnings
churn the mind
Only to be washed away
by an undercurrent
of arid reality.

Vacillating images
and torrid emotions
Raises one to
mercurial heights
Until an eerie
unholiness descends
Unnatural, almost macabre

A Pagan ritualistic rite

Shattering the silence
Making it unjustifiable
and therefore an affront
To be done away with.

28 29
Then awakening to
the reality
11. An Epitome of Grace
That Utopian dreams Dignified. Strong-
are merely life threatening yet gentle and kind
And unbecoming of a An epitome of grace,
nondescript obscure patience and love.
existence. My mother.
And perhaps someone
else’s prerogative. She made no demands on us.
5th January 2006, Monte Carlo Rather, she prayed and
tried to ensure
that our needs were met;
That we would grow up to be
satisfied beings
…strong enough to
take on the world.
And that we would build
ourselves successful
careers that would
stand the test of time.
As only that would be
truly ours,
…in trying times,
in lonely times.

She wanted us to stand

on our own two feet-
righteous and self-reliant.

30 31
 She spent her days well
bringing us up
with love and compassion
And standing by us
strong and steadfast
Through our worst times-
through every adversity,
every affliction,
every tribulation.

Being one among eleven

she had to shoulder
more than she could
from a very tender age
quietly and bravely
With never a protest.

Calm and courageous

she understood the ways
of life
And when things went wrong
and we began to lose hope
She would reassure us
by gently stating
“Everything is for the good-
maybe it was never meant
to be ours

32 33
 -nor would any good
have come out of it-
12. You had it all…
should it have been ours- You had it all,
so why worry?” You had it all…
Such wisdom then, And you threw it all away.
went beyond our understanding Will it be there
And today, in retrospect all fresh and aflame
we realize its worth. when you still want it?
No,
We are grateful to her the love will be dying,
for helping make us the sunshine mellowing,
the individuals we are. the laughter gone.
And though we have
been tried and tested and No hopes, no aspirations,
stretched no dreams
beyond our limits It will be too late…
and all in vain!
We can leave the world Feelings slowly dying
peacefully, Will my heart be
knowing we have so young again?
played our roles to
perfection. Sorrows too deep…
Thank you Mother. too deep to be salvaged
1st January 2007, Monte Carlo by anyone
Not even you.
Not anymore.

34 35
You, who all my hopes,
prayers and desires revolved
around
You who I had faith in far beyond
what could be
Is it true that you feel
this way now?
…now, when I need
all the solace, the compassion
I can get
But remember…
If you still want me
years from now
…my hurt may not have
healed
And who knows, I would
have realised
I’m happier without you!
16th February 1983, Bangalore

36 37
13. The Brain Tumor
Shortly to be indisposed
Hook, Line and Sinker.
Dreading what the future holds
Brain Tumors looming large
and sinister
unfurling their ugly tentacles
enveloping me slowly
into a state of absolute
incapacitation.

An atrophied being I now stand

with imminent threats of
personality and behavioural changes,
mood swings included.
‘Need I be punished any further?’
I ask myself
Hasn’t life been unkind enough
with lifelong accusations
of angry outbursts
taunting me.

No matter the level of provocation

and aggravation
No matter the laborious years
of selfless service put forth

39
Need the threat of
seizures and paralytic strokes
14. The Crucifixion
now threaten a body Slipping between the real
already fatigued, afflicted and the surreal
and crippled …into oblivion
A body wrenched in the pain …into a deep slumber.
of dehydrated discs, Amidst drilling, hammering,
sciatica, arthritis screws and cerebral injections
accidents and thanklessness. Skull numbed but mind
2nd September 2006, Monte Carlo alert.
A lingering fear of the unknown,
and perhaps, the known?!

Tossing and turning

Racing heartbeats
Hot flushes and cold sweat.
Woman, this is
surely the test of
your ultimate endurance
And you have evolved
far beyond what can be.

Fleeting messages
from yesteryear
surge through the brain-

40 41
“Courage brother-do not stumble
though thy path be dark as night
there’s a star to guide the humble
trust in God and do the right”
- and follow me into the dark recesses
of the huge machinery
into which half my body
slips
time and time again!

Fleeting messages, yet again-

“I will not leave you-
I cannot leave you-
You are my creation…
my daughter...my purpose
...my Self”
And yes Lord-you were there
with me. All along.
“With peace, in truth, light
And love”-just as you promised.
And healing is all about
faith and trust
And I believe I will be fine
So help me God!
2nd January 2007, Monte Carlo

42 43
15. Oh Universe, By merely remembering the
good deeds
do remember! Or better still, erasing the bad.
24th November 2002, Bangalore
Sitting by myself on a Sunday afternoon
I reminisce…
Have we all been treated fair?
Do we need a system of rewards
-a reassurance of sorts-
for our good deeds done?
A commendation perhaps
for our virtues
our value systems we so often
loudly proclaim
Perhaps not.
No compensation can mean more
than a peaceful heart,
a content soul.
Our faux pas lies in that we
seek appreciation much too hard
When all the time,
contentment lies within us
waiting to be awakened.
But surely, it would do well
If the world registered

44 45
 16. A Cataclysmic
Existence
I now stand at the crossroads of my life
A Cataclysmic Existence.
Fatigued. Old - yet not quite.
I ask myself – Where do I go from here?

Yes, it is to dust we finally go-

But not without leaving behind
memories of ourselves-
For our loved ones to cling to
Glorifying us in death
Rationalizing how they did
their very best for the dearly departed
Memories to cling to
-for a while at least…
Until…they come to the very same
Crossroads
in the very same meaningless circle
of life.

Crossroads it is then.
Acknowledging Gods grace and
grateful to be born

46 47
Having worked dedicatedly
however rough the path might have been
17. Escape
Now, life ceases to have any meaning I seek an escape
Cheers and adulation be damned From the fires of hell
No respite any which way. I see blazing around me
Brickbats from those who …from the inequality,
matter injustice, pettiness,
And praise from those who don’t. jealousy –why, even pity
blazing with such
One wonders- great intensity
has mankind strayed too far this time? that I ask…
Small graces like love and selflessness equality, justice, God
mean little Where are you?
And the ugly head of greed,
sensual gratification and You who come to those
the quest for glory predominate. who dwell in vice
Why then do your books
Wake up Mankind!! preach of endurance,
Work hard-but don’t fail to build bonds justice,kindness
respect relationships and The straight path followed
above all, learn to love! by some…
Lest we get consumed by …by me.
the abysmal fire of meaninglessness! Only to get in return
16th April 2004, Brussels pain-
pain so deep
it takes away all one has.

48 49
Sanity almost gone Someone help me find
and a cause to be pitied an answer.
by all I need some rest,
pity-so despicable a term! some help, some peace!
18th October 1982, Kaduna
A wise man’s words:
“your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding
Even as the stone of the fruit
must break, that its heart
may stand in the sun
so must you know pain.”

But why then, is pain

felt only by a select few?
A few, destined to suffer
for, in reality ,
how many of us
suffer with the same
intensity?
A select few surely.

Where then is justice?

and equality?
God?
Escape… the only answer.
To where? How?

50 51
18. Happiness- Lead the
Way
Happiness, lead the way
I’ve had my share of misery
and need to live again
Live Life like before
Like I once did
when I harbored schoolgirl fantasies
and perhaps, college girl ambitions.

When life seemed rosy

and filled with new world charm
With never a fear about the future
When did the spirit die?
When did I cease to be me?
15th January 2003, Bangalore

52 53
19. A Young Man who
came my Way
One fleeting moment,
A caring glance
One compassionate expression-
A warm hand-hold.
An assurance nevertheless-
that I am not alone.

One memorable look

A gentle countenance
Ever radiant, ever calming
Silent, yet strong
Ever placid, ever peaceful
and yet, not without that firm assurance.

In you, I found a new strength

to take on the world
low and unethical as it may be
Where dedication is under-rated
and unsatiated egos loom
large and ugly
Where life is one big compromise
any which way.

With you I was good and wholesome

Comforted in the re-assurance

54 55
 that very few worked the way I did
But not without a warning
that recognition and support would
evade me
In a place where good workers are
a threat
And inexperienced socialites-
women who thrive on
…with their shallow knowledge
and time to while away
They get full honors for
non-performance
and their ability to toe the line.
And just when things were sailing
along just fine
despite life’s ups and downs and
cruel discoveries
…you did the inevitable
For you I damned education levels
and hailed hard work
For in you, I saw promise and
the will to reach greater heights…
Till slowly, you became
my responsibility.
56
I outlined a new career for you
and with it
A promise of a new life
And then, with utter disregard
you threw it all away
to perhaps revert to old ways
which, though I thought probable
I never willed to explore
and prayed would pass away
Not for a moment
suspecting what lay in store!
Was it just a moment of
inexplicable greed
…renewed drunken stupors
Where mobile phones and motorbikes
are no longer the luxuries of
the rich
but instead, every man’s prerogative
Where values are damned
and love and selflessness thrust aside
For greed, instant gratification and
meaningless lifestyles
Lord, where did I go wrong-
yet again?
In this life where brain tumors
loom large ahead
57
Crippling the activity of an
already arthritic body
A body wrenched in the pain
of dehydrated discs, sciaticas
…accidents and thanklessness.
This withering soul needs rest
as I am not old yet
And have suffered beyond my
years!
They say ‘love conquers all’,
and yet again, they are wrong
-as love begets pain
In an age where cruel indifference
and greed survive
and where acquisition of wealth
predominates-
ill gotten or otherwise.
Love is a meaningless word
empty and a trifle pretentious
perhaps?
A mere charade
in this world where confusion
reigns supreme
And life begets life. Yet again.
Lovelessly.
10th August 2006, Monte Carlo
58
20. Why
Why did all this happen?
Why did you do this to me?
Why did you give them an opportunity
to address you with indignity?
Did the promise of a new career
the support and encouragement
I so willingly gave you
mean ever so little to you?
Remember you were my responsibility
the same way my children were
I swore to cherish and nurture you
the same way I did them
There would be no derogatory
mention of you…ever
…until this happened.
For a while, I acknowledged
that you were the confidence trickster
they said you were.
Later, I swore to support you
and get you out of this phase-
and believed that you would change
-like many others have
59
That I still loved you
And that I did not desert those
whom I loved
How very difficult you have
made my life
Why?
By doing this, you have lost
any respect you may have
commanded in society…
and in my eyes.
Did you really feel it was
your prerogative
To usurp my wealth
in such an unethical and
unfair a means?
Now the fear lurks-
A constant fear-
What will you do next?
Can I ever feel safe with you
again?
And worse still,
Can I interact with you
-when a trait you stand for
Is the very same trait
I despise in others!
60
Surely you believed I would find out?
You couldn’t be so naïve as to
underestimate my intellect?
Why, then?
I am tired to my very bones
and I ask you yet again,
Are the thirst for instant gratification
and meaningless lifestyles,
Worldly passion and drunken stupors,
and the greed for ill-gotten wealth
such unsurpassable urges in
your life
That they outdid all what I could
give you?
Later, you cried out that you were
filled with remorse and regret
That you had realized the magnitude
of what you had done
You kept repeating that you had
lost everything-
What did you mean?
This is probably the end,
the end of the road for me as well.
Need I go on now?
61
And why not, I ask myself.
Because I am strong,
21. Don’t tell a Soul
Not one to give up, Don’t tell a Soul
and because, what I told you last
perhaps, I still care! Walls have ears
14th August 2006, Monte Carlo and Souls can tell lies
So don’t tell a Soul
that I told you that.

Ask me no questions
and the truth stays within
I am much too trusting
And fear, should
my life be an open book
For all to see.

So do let’s be friends
but let my life be
And don’t tell a Soul
that I told you that.
21st February 2003, Bangalore

62 63
22. Figuratively
Speaking
Figuratively speaking,
We have evolved into
an era
Where we are nothing
but abstract
objects de art
Mummified and embalmed
fatalistic and bizarre

We have
but have not
As we are not.
Merely transmundane
figures
from a world beyond
Enigmatic
Sceptical.
Mozzled
The unfortunate survivors
in a tentative land.
3rd January 2007, Monte Carlo

64
23. Clear that Conscience
Who is wrong?
Who has been wronged?
Or is it a chain reaction
purely unintended
one which gets us no-where
Is revenge the primary intent
Or individual self-preservation?

Keeping one’s sanity through

trying times
and hectic lifestyles
Coping with expectations
or merely doing what is right
Being perfect perhaps?
The all perfect Mother and Wife
Cook and Housemaker
Why, even Manager and Teacher!

Until one day the head screams

out
Retract!
You don’t have to fit the bill
You have a right to love
You have a right to live life
On your own terms

67
You owe it to yourself.
Erase the guilt and
Clear that Conscience!
It is true that expectations do
run high
and no one has time for kind words,
words of encouragement
Time to just hold your hand in
understanding.
Ignore these accusations hurled
at you
No matter by whom
-don’t be demoralized.
As a mother, a human being and
a child of God,
You are invaluable and deserve to be
happy.
Arise above all frivolous attempts to
malign your every action
and lower your self-concept.
You have always done what is best
for your family, your home and
your career
Listen to your instinct
Listen to your heart
68
No one can take away the fruits
of your labor
They are yours and yours alone.
So shrug off that disillusionment,
hurt and sorrow
Rather, live life for the moment.
Rest your tired bones
and ease your stressed mind.
Live. Breathe. Meditate.
You have a right to be here
You have a right to do for
yourself
Whatever gives you happiness
and calm.
You know best.
Have faith in God always
You are a child of God
And you deserve to be happy.
12th August 2006, Monte Carlo
69
24. Moksham-Our Home
Moksham. Our home.
My husbands passion.
named by me-
with great thought and care.

Moksham.
Because I hoped it would
be our salvation.
That it would liberate us
from our past karmas
And deliver us into a
more serene state
Therefore no more rebirths to
contend with,
as we’d have the ultimate
of deliverances!

And for that-while at Moksham

No more hurtful words
No more tears to shed
Nor even guilt at having shed them
No more unfair demands
on anyone who is different
or less accomplished
They are human too and have
as much a right to be here

71
 and most of all-
No more violence!
It is never justified!
No more being judgemental
of others
No more arrogance,
There is no lesser mortal.
No one is born with high ideals,
we develop them.
Nor are we born heroes-
we work hard to get there.
Some get there faster
with luck and education favoring
them
Others struggle-some make it-
some don’t.
So, while at Moksham,
I think it fitting
That I share a few words
with my sons
on their mother,
her role and theirs,
in working towards
and achieving
the goals they have
set for themselves.
72
Remember, your mother
has sacrificed her future
to make her family life successful,
to ensure her children reach
somewhere.
She has struggled against all odds-
and tried her hand at various
professions-
giving it all she has-
just dreading to let go!
And finally met success only
half way
-but that still did not make her
a lesser mortal.
Don’t underestimate her
as being weak, powerless
and useless.
She is much more than she
seems to be
And she has as much a right to
be here today
She has a right to bear the
fruits of her labour
Don’t insult her-she has toiled
to get you there
And whether or not you acknowledge it
73
She deserves to be left alone
Let her be
25. I Cherish you my
Instead my sons, focus on Love
your goals
I cherish you my love
You may otherwise lose out-
I cherish your gentle countenance
in this competitive world
I cherish the way you look
Live on! But let her be!
when you softly smile at me
Even if she is your mother!
I cherish the way you tenderly
22nd August 2006, Monte Carlo
glance my way
when I feel myself sinking into
the very depth of your being.

I cherish your compassionate

expression
So very soothing to my
temperament
I cherish the safety I feel in
your strong arms
where I feel protected for life
I cherish the way you intoxicate
my senses
Silent, strong, ever radiant.
I cherish the way you talk to me
Sometimes carefree. Sometimes
caring.

74 75
No matter if you felt short of
others expectations of you
26. The Iconoclast
For me, you were God-sent Iconoclast-they called him.
To lift me out of my miseries The eternal rebel
Into a world of self-worth and who fought and rebuked
acceptance every living soul, every faith,
for in such a short time every belief
you did all this and more.
Proud to be labeled
I cherish you my love for all that.
a non-conformist
he stood out in stark contrast
Beyond what words can express
like a sore thumb.
Beyond what anyone can
understand
Brazen, bold and brash
And so I thank God for sending
He revelled in being
you to me
Even if for a short while. the condemned criminal that he was
An atheist-he feared no one
13th August 2006, Monte Carlo Cold hearted and ruthless
with a myriad history of
maims and murders
to colour his morbid portfolio

I do believe that in the deepest

recesses of his heart
he sought emancipation from his
unscrupulous world of sin and crime
But that was not to be-

76 77
 there would be no exoneration
for this unredeemable sinner
he had reached the end of the road
Sentenced to the gallows on
18th November 1949.
4th November 2006, Bangalore
78
27. Here’s to us…!
Here’s to us who have loved and lost
But wasn’t it worth the feeling
-the feeling of love which
so many claim to feel
but so few really understand?
25th December 1980, Ernakulam
28. A wish for you,
my Sister
I wish you have a beautiful home
Filled with love and happy times,
Peaceful times…
A time to share, to care
A time full of strength
faith, compassion, tenderness
retrospection, forgiveness and growth.
With love, all this is possible!
28th May 1995, Bangalore
79
29. Oh Insecure World,
Heal Thyself
I perceive myself as good hearted and sad
Yet optimistic and a fighter at heart
Oft disillusioned by the way the world behaves
Looms large and ugly on our extended
horizon.
Where is the world where people gave love
and shared unselfishly
Where they thought less of their achievements
and more about their contributions.

The world-an incomprehensible place Do charity, humility and grace exist

complicated, confused and pretentious merely in an idealist’s perception of life
Where men’s good deeds are forgotten Or perhaps as unrealistic dreams
and their goodness overlooked. in a flight of fantasy?
Must this Charade go on?
A world where people are afraid
25th October 2002, Bangalore
to show they care
Content in their icy exterior
Meant to translate as ‘being in total control’
Hiding behind an arrogant façade
Of ‘we know it all’ or worse still
‘we are the best’.

A world where all innocence and simplicity

are mocked
Where small things are considered
irrelevant
Where ever-devouring and monstrous
materialism
disguised in permitted colours

80 81
30. The Very Special Girl Simple at heart and easily hurt
She was privileged, protected and
on the Campus cared for
by classmates and maternal uncles
Termed ‘bubbly, determined, bold and brilliant-
alike
The very special girl on the campus’,
Probably never aware of the charm
by a friend
she extruded
who she never dreamed
She never felt different nor
would even give her a second glance.
treated others differently
Yet who she now holds dear-
She loved all who came to her
27 long years later!
seeking love
The truly gifted child No matter how God had created them.
who awed many by her ways
A frank and sincere friend
One who looked great,
Always content in her own
sang even better.
little world
A prolific debater,
She tried to make a success
and yet who was dubbed
of anything she set forth to do
‘humble, innocent and a trifle
childish perhaps’ The College Beauty Queen
Simply because she who was referred to as
regarded her talents “beautiful” by none other than
as a blessing from God- Svetoslav Roerich
and not for her vain glorification And she was taken unaware!
nor to make a And it took a friend to
Narcissist out of her. compliment her on her
having condensed the
She never failed to laugh at herself. ingredients of a bestseller

82 83
 into a simple email-
to make her realize the
writing talent she possessed.
She then went right on to
exploit it.

And slowly the profile changed

with a loveless marriage
and countless hardships
Suddenly her temper ran awry
and the world stopped being
so understanding
Life’s stresses took its toll
on this life
Once precious to many
playing havoc with her health
And yet she strode on-
with a song on her lips and her
carefree laughter
determined to make a success
of life-on her own terms
this time round.
Yes, she remains,
the Eternal Superwoman
18th December 2006, Monte Carlo

84 85
31. I thought that our
Friendship …
I thought that our friendship
was so strong and straightforward
That no one-not anyone could
break it
That all manipulation and effort
to erase our bond would be in vain
I thought we were two people
strong, straightforward and honest
That we stood by each other
at all times!

I thought we had conviction and faith

in each other, and in all that we did
-far more than what is possible!
That no one could break our bond
or even dare step in between us
That we wouldn’t compromise
our values for anyone
But Alas! I was ever so wrong!

Nothing works one way my friend,

and though I still care,
I’m safer on my own.

86
No hurt feelings, no more remorse
and most importantly-no more regrets!
But remember, what we had was rare
-two people temperamentally alike
and both able to give so much!
One day you will realize the
magnitude of what we have lost
…for one moment of misled loyalty.
For one misguided moment
when we were unable to stand up
for what we believed in.
For one moment when we
let go of each other’s hands,
only to please another insecure soul
For one moment when we knew
we were wrong and yet
were bound by it!
But I do believe our friendship
is willed by God
And I believe we will be
thrown together again
-only to part, yet again!
But never forget dear friend,
I still love you so!
29th November 1996, Bangalore
88
32. Shine On!
As life speeds by at such a fast pace
and we work hard at doing the best we can
Let us stop and read words of wisdom
from the Gita and the Vedas
Which give us the serenity and grace
courage and compassion
To go through the rest of our life
totally at peace with the world
Let us be careful while choosing words
As even words said in carefree spirit
can cause sorrow
Let us not cut bonds
-instead, let us create more worthwhile
relationships
Let us have trust and confidence
in our friendship-we are two Naturals
All mankind was made equal
Bereft of pretensions, let us shine on!
12th December 1999, Bangalore
89
 33. The Inspiration
Thoughts.
Mystical. Magical.
Fantasy-like
Transporting us
from the mundane
to the piquant.
With verve and
sparkle
Till we are restless
passionate and
adrenalised

We become eloquent.
Magniloquent, perhaps.
and then mediocrity
no longer stays
the accepted mode.
There is that innate
propensity for
flamboyance here.

Then a sudden
aberration sets in-
Unnerving and
a trifle disconcerting.
Quixotic ways

90 91
 get promptly discarded
and one awakens to
34. Work not, Want not.
reality We need to realize
The staid path seems that only hard work
less disquieting will finally pay off
and more reassuring. and help us
achieve our goals.
Idealistic views
No matter how
pour out
intelligent we
and words surge
may claim to be
forth
No matter the
Giving voice to
superior genes
emotions
we may have inherited
which have been
The crux of the matter
cached away
is
in the remote
Only hard work really
recesses of the
pays
being
For with hard work
All feelings- come true
Every feeling scientific enquiry
Finds expression And an understanding
In Words, thereof
Art and Which provides us
Photographic collages. the true knowledge
8th January 2007, Monte Carlo we require to
reach great heights.
3rd January 2007, Monte Carlo

92 93
35. Grudgingly
Grudgingly.
You took me shopping.
You walked past Calvin Klien
presuming I wouldn’t notice.
But you had no choice.
We walked in.
You eased me into the ‘Solde’
section
Is that all I deserve. I felt.
After twenty one years of sacrifice
and relentless service to the
family.

Grudgingly. Almost sorrowfully.

You bought tickets for the
Tom Jones show.
Cocktails and Dinner too
150 Euros per person.
What a waste, you felt;
and when ticket were not
available in Monaco,
Cap 3000 had to have them!
Ah, the lousy quirk of fate!!

94 95
All this, with never a thought
On what it is that I would like
to do
or even, what it is that I deserved.
But as luck would have it for you
The show never saw the
light of day. Or night!
We received intimation by post
On the premiere screening of
‘O Jerusalem’
At the Grimaldi Forum, Monaco.
A film I would have loved to
have seen
The reviews said it was an
intense film
on real life events
And which provided an opportunity to
meet the stars
And most importantly,
Dominic Lappierre and Elie Chouraqui
but no-you weren’t game
No Sir!
Not for a moment thinking
that it was a small price to pay-
for something which meant
so much to me!
96
Then the day before
the show-you suddenly agreed,
Cocktails, dinner et al!
I thanked God for small mercies.
For years, the children learnt
your ways
They took leads from you
and grudgingly allowed me to shop
even at supermarkets
little realizing that without
that, I could not dish out
those exotic meals nor
run a perfect home for them.
Ungrudgingly!
I feared then for their future
for their wives.
Would my boys ever remember
what I had worked hard
to instill in them…
the grace to appreciate
even the smallest of gestures
done for them
as they are done with
love, care and concern
and with no expectation
whatsoever!
97
For years they learnt to be
demeaning to me
Despite the efforts I had put
to ensure they survive anywhere
-that they were adept at
tennis, swimming, roller blading,
ice skating, music, quizzing, oration,
essay writing and Science Talent
competitions-and emerge winners
wherever possible.
But strive they did,
and support them, I did.
They credited me rarely,
and more often that not
I was asked
what I had done for them
that other mothers haven’t
done for their progeny.
I let other mothers testify
and emerged victorious
all the way
and my children-they still
acknowledge my contribution
-sparingly…
Grudgingly!
98
Gifts bought for me
from BVL Gari’s and Tiffany’s
and the innumerable perfumes
were always bought in my absence.
You took others along
to erase the guilt
or perhaps convince them
of just how much you
cared for me!
You deceived them and they
believed you!
I didn’t as I knew
they were bought
Grudgingly!
Converting to Rupees at
every stage
to reinforce just how much
you spent on me
Forgetting that without
genuine, unrestricted love
No amount of money spent
grudgingly
Would ever amount to anything-
Nullified and absolutely Worthless!
20th September 2006, Monte Carlo
99
36. Restlessness
The unsettled feeling
which keeps us on our toes
lest we become immobilized.
The spirit which gets us
cracking
Just when we were content
with our insipid existence.
Restlessness.
Our motivation.
The unsettled feeling
within us which
gets our spirits soaring
Spurring us on to
reach new heights
Each time. Every time.
Dissatisfied with mediocrity
and restless to achieve more
We are triggered on
to reach for the stars.
The ripples created
in the course our
mediocre existence
are propelled on
to become
100
tidal waves in the
ocean of competition.
Restlessness-
spurring us on
even further till
We are bursting with
the uncontrollable energy
now of paramount
importance in our
ambitious lifestyles
We become the ultimate
achievers
in a professional’s paradise.
Dissatisfied with mediocrity
thirsting for more
Restlessness slowly
and surely takes
over our lives.
The lackluster, nondescript
nature of an obscure existence
is now a thing of
the past.
9th February 2007, Bangalore
101
37. An Intimate 38. I Believe
Encounter I believe I am here
in this world for a purpose.
Memories.
I believe that I have
Scented. Sacred.
an important role to play
Never before experienced.
in this leitmotif
Too precious to be
called life.
ignored.
And whether or not I
Memories. realize it,
Tenderly wrapped is entirely up to me
inside the heart. But that will decide
Austere-yet whether I make a
Arcane. success or failure
Almost ethereal- of it.
Lifting one
But I question myself there
into another
How can I make a failure of life
wonderful world.
when I believe in myself
Love so overwhelming And I have the ‘never say die’
So heavenly spirit
Helping keep insanity which has seen me through
at bay- several failures and successes alike
in an all too insane world. Forever ready to take the
The perfect Bohemian plunge each time-every time.
whirl wind romance.
And I never ever gave up
16th February 2007, Bangalore.

102 103
I trusted my instinct
and believed at all times
that no well- meaning
advice given by
friends and relatives alike
would as much as
sway me from my faith.
And I was right.
A mothers instinct is
often unquestionably right
-except in exceptional cases.
I have tried to be a sensitive
caring parent –
save when tempers came
to the fore-but always with
my sons’ best interest
in mind.
I have treated my children
as my equals
and have often been
reprimanded for it.
It has made then outspoken ,
precocious and a trifle defiant-
but I willed it that way.
I have tried to maintain
104
high ideals
surrendering only to love
As nothing is of more relevance
than the love we
have for one another
in the world today-as
through it we become more
humane, more noble, more tolerant
Hence today I believe, all else
is just Maya-
the eternal illusion which
we are desperately chasing
but which seems unreal
next to all encompassing love
As through this we genuinely
conquer
all the nihilistic forces in
our lives
As against superficially
conquering them.
Till we are free-truly free
to take on the challenges
of life
With fortitude, calmness,
equanimity of mind
and above all, love.
105
For today, I believe that God
is a fair God
He is neither fearsome nor
demanding
He is not here to add to
our stresses
But instead to ease our pain
He is a beautiful, peaceful
and gracious God
And He wishes us well.
have left us wiser
and stronger-
I believe if we set ourselves
high ambitions-
which we work hard towards
the victory will surely be ours.
17th December 2007, Monte Carlo

I believe we have to accept

what we have achieved
and what we have not
…equally gracefully.
As what has eluded us
was never meant to be ours
in the first place-at
that moment atleast.
It is our faith in ourselves
which will help us eventually
achieve the
toughest of goals-
provided we don’t give up.

As I believe that no effort is

ever wasted
as surely the experience would

106 107
 39. Being True to Oneself
When we look around us
we see self imposed misery
portrayed as happiness
Adultery camouflaged in
sporadic expressions of love
Ludicrous figures adopting
pseudo lifestyles
A society contrived, hypocritical-
portraying to the world
what it is not
for in all truth, it knows not
what it is!

On the one hand,

men and women are mere
players
in an ongoing charade
which gets them nowhere.
Confused, wild and drunk,
they are seeking sensationalism-
in an all time desperate
pursuit.

108 109
On the other hand,
narrow viewpoints
persist in supposedly
modern minds
Ever ready to criticize and
condemn
And poets are denied
freedom of expression
and held guilty for
moving away
from the ‘accepted path’,
which only permits
restricted, safe, insipid and
unwholesome literature.
Those of us who are
true to ourselves
are made to feel guilty
for our ‘sins’
As we know not how
to camouflage our
supposedly wrong doings
Nor how to utter measured
sentences.
Man therefore
cannot evolve,
and neither can he
110
portray himself as
the real man that he is-
in a real world.
He simply cannot be
true to himself.
We have no right to
love, to live or even
breathe-
without feeling the guilt
imposed on us by
the ever- forbidding
society.
We need to break the
shackles binding us,
as, in this restriction
lies our doom.
We need to inhale fresh
air and believe we know
what’s best for us,
simply because we do.
I attribute this non acceptance
of intellectual expression
and freedom
To rigid upbringings,
for everything is either
111
 right or wrong-
black or white.
-that there is no in-between
path.

There is no freedom therefore

to be oneself.
We are held accountable
and questioned for every
word uttered and
every paragraph written.
Safety is therefore the
preferred route.

But not in this case.

I believe I will never
cease to be myself-
the real me.
As I am a fine human being
who can hold her head high
and say-‘I am truly free,
I believe in myself and
I am true to myself
I would therefore like to
share my experiences
with the world.’
21st January 2007, Bangalore

112