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October 2007
Matthew Furey
PSYCHO-CYBERNETICSThe Newsletter
Conversely, increasing or improving skills does not necessarily improve the self-image! Knowing more or being better does not automatically strengthen the self-image. The area of the possible, the individuals Effectiveness Range is not built out of reality; it is built out of perceptions; how you see and feel about yourself. You have impact on your E-Range by altering your inner thoughts and feelings.
August 2007
belief that these ideas are true. As these ideas accumulate during life, most people never stop to look carefully and analytically at them, and ask: is this true? What may have been true at age 15 is likely to no longer be true at age 51. Further, when tested, much of what a person believes about himself proves to be untrue, in the sense that the persons E-Range is more limited by belief, by fear, than by real capability. When individuals courageously test their capabilities, they often are surprised at what they can do. This is the idea behind the pop-psych seminars and trainings that periodically rise up in popularity and visibility, such as those where people climb mountains together, bend spoons with their mental energies, walk on heated coals and the like. While there is a certain amount of gimmickry in these things, there is also a certain amount of truth in them because they lead people into testing their limits and limiting beliefs about what they can and cannot do. Such a forced experience that then causes a person to re-examine his beliefs can prove to him that his beliefs have been unrealistically limiting. In other words, the concept here is that a self-image once improved by legitimate self-discovery cannot snap back or shrink back to its prior, smaller size. An E-Range expanded through legitimate self-discovery will not shrink back. Think of the person enrolled in the famous Dale Carnegie program. He is fearful of speaking in public and avoids doing so virtually at all costs. Even in small groups, at work or in his church, perhaps even in his family, he is reluctant to assert himself and express his ideas. But in the Dale Carnegie classes, he is forced if you will to learn some skills about speaking and to use those skills, by standing up and speaking, in a supportive environment. When he makes his speech, people laugh at his stories and applaud his efforts. As a result, he begins to see himself as someone who CAN present ideas to a group and gain favorable acceptance. He begins feeling that he is an effective communicator to groups. His self-image changes.
Psycho-Cybernetics The Newsletter is published monthly by the Psycho-Cybernetics Foundation, Inc., 10339 Birdwatch Drive, Tampa, Florida, 33647, U.S.A. Phone (813) 994-8267 FAX (813) 994-4947 Matt Furey, Editor; Vincent Lai layout and design. Information published herein is taken from the vast archives of Dr. Maltzs material owned by the Psycho-Cybernetics Foundation, Inc. and well as sources whom the editor deems trustworthy and reliable, yet no guarantee is offered on behalf of them. The publisher assumes no liability for any loss resulting from the use of the information given herein. Entire contents Copyright 2006. All rights reserved under U.S. and International Copyright law. Email: info@psycho-cybernetics.com. Website: www.psycho-cybernetics.com
PSYCHO-CYBERNETICSThe Newsletter
His E-Range expands. His behavior reflects that. At work and elsewhere, he finds himself speaking out. Now, about the word forced. I said he was forced to speak. But he chose to be forced, by enrolling in the class, by showing up for the class, and by not bolting from the room. So it is an inch-by-inch cycle. He must first courageously choose to put himself in a situation where he must test his limiting beliefs. When those limits are tested, self-discovery occurs. The new discoveries alter the self-image. The new self-image tells the E-Range to be bigger. Higher performance and changed behavior result. And this usually leads to choosing to test another limit. And so on. then the test subjects are persuaded that they are below this average. To illustrate this theory, a professor passed out a written test to his class, telling them that the normal time of completion was fifteen minutes. In reality, the test required about an hour to finish. But after fifteen minutes, even the most brilliant students became upset, believing they were inadequate or mentally deficient. Dont compare yourself and your performance with another persons accomplishments. You can never possibly attain their standards, nor can they attain yours. When you can unquestionably accept this truth as a fact and apply it in your daily life, your feelings of inferiority will evaporate. The greatest competitors compete against themselves, to improve upon themselves.
Inferiority
Feelings of inferiority are experienced to some degree by almost 95 percent of the worlds population. To a major portion of these people, these feelings are a severe disadvantage in the attainment of fulfillment and satisfaction in life. Inferiority feelings do not usually arise from actual experience, but from our own judgments and interpretations of events and experiences. Inferiority complexes, which can intrude upon our lives, are developed from the feelings of inferiority that originate because we judge our performance and measure our abilities against someone elses and not against our own. When this happens, we will always feel like a runner-up. When we evaluate our achievements by these criteria, we feel second-rate and unhappy. Consequently, we arrive at the erroneous assumption that we dont measure up. Feelings of inferiority and superiority are conflicting feelings. The plain reality is: You are not superior to another person. You are not inferior to another person. You are merely you. Period. A continuing feeling of inferiority soon deteriorates into an inferiority complex which causes a decline in the way a person performs. It is interesting to realize how this situation can be artificially created in a psychological test. Some kind of mean level of performance is set up, and
PSYCHO-CYBERNETICSThe Newsletter
Relaxation is the best preparation for sleep, because sleep is deep relaxation in itself. To relax is not easy these days, but we still can make a habit of it when, during the eight hours of diversion, we take five minutes off and walk into the room of our mind. Of course this is an imaginary room. But since we live with our imagination every day, whether we realize it or not, we should take advantage of this imaginary room where we relax, look out the window, and see a geyser letting off steam. This is a symbol for us to release a geyser, to let go of tensions for the moment, to break the electric circuit of distress even for a second. Making a habit of this is making a habit of sleep. Whenever we think of troubles, we are not prepared for sleep. When we prepare ourselves for sleep we must not let troubles interfere. Try my prescription. It may take time; but sooner or later it will work, and you wont need a pill. Remember the words of Publius Syrus, He sleeps well who knows not that he sleeps ill.
August 2007
jealous at the drop of a hat. It is the person who secretly doubts his own worth and feels insecure within himself who sees threats to his ego where there are none, who exaggerates and overestimates the damage from real threats. We all need a certain amount of emotional toughness and ego security to protect us from real and fancied ego threats. It wouldnt be comfortable for the physical body to be covered over completely with a hard shell like a turtles. We would be denied the pleasure of all sensual feeling. But the human body does have a layer of outer skin for the purpose of protecting us from invasion of bacteria, small bumps and bruises, and pinpricks. That skin is thick enough and tough enough to offer protection against small wounds, but not so thick or hard that it interferes with all feeling. Many people have no covering over their ego. They have only the thin, sensitive inner skin. They need to become thicker-skinned, emotionally tougher, so that they will simply ignore petty cuts and minor ego threats. They need to build their self-esteem, get a better and more adequate self-image so that they will not feel threatened by every chance remark or innocent act. A big strong man does not feel threatened by a small danger; a little man does. In the same way, a healthy strong ego, with plenty of self-esteem, does not feel itself threatened by every innocent remark.
PSYCHO-CYBERNETICSThe Newsletter
In this theatre, which is in the mind and heart of each of us, you are the producer, director, writer, actor or actress, hero and the villain. The exciting story unfolding upon this inner screen is one which is invented every second of your life-yesterday, tomorrow, but most important, right now. You watch the image upon that screen and you invent the image upon that screen right now. Will the story have a happy ending? Is it full of happiness and success or sorrow and failure? The story line is already there and the discerning eye can tell the direction in which the story will go. But one realization can comfort you. Since you are the dramatist, the director, and the actor, you can change the story as it unfolds. Now. This instant. And for your whole lifetime. You can make this a success story. You can be the hero and conquer the villain. And you can make this a heartwarming story which will enrich the lives of all who know you-rather than a drab mechanical tale, a chronicle of boredom. Its all inside you. It all depends on what you do with an image you carry inside you, an image which is your most important tool for good or for ill. It all depends on you-and your self-image. and held or put in a plastic bag; a physical thing. There is no such mind. It cant be held up. It is not a physical thing. But inarguably it IS there. And the self-image is a reality, even if we cant touch, feel, or see it because success is real-and failure is real. I will help you to use your self-image to develop the picture youve always wanted to see a picture of YOU surmounting difficulties and driving on to a successful, happy life. Why is the self-image so important? As I explained in my previous book Psycho-Cybernetics, the self-image is your own conception of the sort of person you are. It is a product of past experiences, successes and failures, humiliations, and triumphs, and the way other people react to you, especially in early childhood. From these factors, and from others which we shall discuss later, you build up a picture of yourself which you believe is true. The picture may be false-and in many cases IS falsebut the important fact here is that you act just as if it were true. And so, for all intents and purposes, it is true. Then, you ask, in that case, my picture of myself as a weakling, as a victim, the person to whom everything happens is true. What comfort is there in telling me that? There is a wonderful comfort in one fact, embodied in two little words- as if. You see, I said you act as if the picture were true. But is it? Since this picture, self-image, can change and has been changed in millions of cases, there is no cause for despair. Understand this: You are the writer; you are the director; you are the actor starring in this picture. All you have to learn is how to change that picture by investing a little more time and energy in it, by following time-proved methods which are so easy and so close to each of us that its no wonder weve overlooked them. It just takes a new insight. We will work together to change this mental picture of yourself. Over and over, we will use the powerful tool of mental picturing to redefine your concept of yourself, to enhance the appreciation of the unique individual that you are.
PSYCHO-CYBERNETICSThe Newsletter
August 2007
But the core of your capacity for friendship is in your thinking about yourself. If you like yourself, others will usually share your feeling. If you despise yourself, so will other people. By liking yourself, I dont mean the narcissistic form of infantile self-admiration, in which the individuals love centers on himself, to the exclusion of others. You cant really like yourself unless you like others. If you short-change yourself, however, chances are youll do the same thing to other people. Without confidence there is no friendship, wrote the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus. True, and confidence has its beginning in ones attitude toward himself!
Why Be Shy?
The shy person often finds it difficult to make friends. Inhibiting his free expression, out of fear, he limits his contacts with other people. Martin Tolchins description is poignant in The Roots of Shyness. (New York Times Magazine, June 19, 1960.) He is a quiet child-too quiet, and too well-behaved. He lacks the bellyful of fire that the late William Bryon Mowery thought all small boys had-or should have. Instead he stands wistfully on the sidelines, unable to wade into the rough and tumble savored by a boy among boys. Left to his own devices he may outgrow his shyness, or learn to live with it. Or he may abandon effort to establish contact with the rest of the world. The experience can be humbling. Shyness can come between a man and the woman he needs. It can undermine his usefulness to society by preventing him from getting the job for which he qualifies. It can place an intelligent, accomplished person in the position of a social beggar who is thrown conversational crumbs at functions he cannot evade. Unfortunately, there are many shy people in this world. Life can teach, but it can also frighten people, driving them into shells.
PSYCHO-CYBERNETICSThe Newsletter
If you are shy, you can learn to be more outgoing. It is, once again, mainly a question of changing your false truth about yourself-because shyness is a technique for hiding from people. Before youre ready for real friendship, however, you must have the courage to burst through your shell. precious things in life, and it is this warm brotherlysisterly relatedness that I hope I can help you achieve.
PSYCHO-CYBERNETICSThe Newsletter
unmarried, but hes looking forward to the evening. Hes eager to meet Cora socially and see her in a pretty dress. Perhaps theyll dance and talk and flirt, and perhaps he could take her home later. How nice you look! he says to the hostess, meaning every word. He laughs as she blushes and shakes hands with Peter and Frank, both of whom he knows at work. Theyre glad to see him and bring him over to meet other people. What do you do? one fellow asks. Im a librarian, John says, looking curiously, yet with a friendly smile, at the other man. Ive always loved good books. What do you do? He finds some of the people at the party interesting to talk to, and enjoys the exchange of ideas, the food and drink. People come over to chat with him, enjoying his easy friendliness, and his lack of pretension and arrogance. At midnight, he takes Cora home. (People seek out this man because his self-image is healthy. He sees himself as a nice guy and therefore does not have to feel self-conscious or apologetic. Liking himself, without being narcissistic, he is able to appreciate others. They sense this and cluster around him, as bees around honey.)
August 2007
yourself, you can still admire other people, but your respect will be tainted with envy. Others will sense the impurity of your friendship and will not respond positively to it. They may be sympathetic toward your problems, but pity is not a strong foundation for friendship. 2. Reach out to people. This is the next step. When you are with a casual acquaintance and you feel like talking, express yourself as uninhibitedly as is proper for the situation. Dont tell yourself that youre silly if you crack a joke, or unstable if youre nervous and want the other person to like you. Look for the other persons positive qualities and try to bring them out; watch for overcritical thoughts and stamp them out, for they are enemies to friendship. 3. Imagine youre the other person. This mental picturing will help you. If you try to image him in his total life situation, as accurately as you can reconstruct it, you can sense his needs and try to meet them as much as is within your ability and within the dimensions of your relationship. You can also understand his responses better. If he is touchy in certain areas, you can try to avoid stepping on his toes. When you feel like being generous, you can attempt to build up his own self-image. If he is a worthwhile friend, he will be grateful for your kindness and will be giving to you in return, in his own individual way. 4. Accept the other fellows individuality. People are different, especially when theyre being genuine. Dont try to alter this fact. The other fellow is not you; accept him as he is and hell value you too, as you are, if hes worth his salt. It is a serious mistake to try to force another person to conform to your preconceived ideas. If you resort to such domineering tactics, youll likely have an enemy, not a friend. 5. Try to meet others needs. Too often this world is a cutthroat place in which people think of their own needs-and then stop thinking! Go out of your way to be considerate and youll be a valued friend. Many people talk at people; they deliver lectures and the other fellow is just an ear. Never do this to a friend; talk with him!