20 Characteristics of Real Manhood

NOTE: Every man has the potential for real manhood, and it is not expected that these characteristics will come without time and effort.
1. Lightens the Burdens of Those Around Him
The Real Man does not spend time selfishly thinking of himself or his own benefit, but regularly thinks of and seeks the welfare of others. When it is within his power to do so he will do good things for other people, without the expectation of reward or recognition.

2. Values Himself and Others

The Real Man avoids the common, adolescent practice of seeking social dominance over others. He does not try to establish himself as superior, but instead maintains a strong, quiet humility. He is always willing to stand up for those who are mistreated or marginalized.

3. Views Women as Equals

The Real Man views women as equal to men, and he treats the women in his life with honor and dignity. He refuses to engage in jokes, interactions, or relationships that support or condone the degradation, mistreatment, or sexualization of women. Instead, he recognizes and publicizes the wonderful attributes, abilities, and contributions of women.

4. Abandons the Man-Cave

The Real Man does not spend time with himself or the guys engaging in activities that are macho, selfish, and/or that appeal to the lower instincts of man. Instead, the Real Man allots time and energy to more noble pursuits, such as the building up of marriage and family relationships, and positively contributing to his community. The Real Man never puts the guys above the wife or the family.

5. Seeks Truth and Understanding

The Real Man listens patiently and intently to others in his life, especially to his family members. He does not use aggressive or manipulative tactics to establish himself as being right about an issue, even when he is. He does not seek social dominance, but instead seeks to understand the elements of truth within each persons perspective, and allows others time to express themselves without fear of criticism.

6. Is Gentle and Respectful

The Real Man does not use force or intimidation in his relationships, but treats others with respect and dignity. He uses his properly-developed influence to build lasting, meaningful, and productive relationships. He is respectful and gentle toward those who might be viewed as undesirable or undeserving.

7. Honors the Virtue of Women

The Real Man does not view pornography or other sexually explicit material, but instead seeks to protect the virtue and honor of women everywhere. He recognizes the negative impacts of objectifying women and treating them as sexual objects. He values the potential of every woman to be good and virtuous, and he treats every woman accordingly.

8. Values People More than Sex

The Real Man does not view sex as a social commodity or recreational outlet to which he is somehow entitled, nor does he view sex as something that he must have in order to be happy. Instead, he exercises wisdom and self-restraint; he recognizes that sexual intimacy belongs in the context of a committed and loving relationship. He understands that it is something to be shared (with mutual consent) between loving, committed partners.

9. Invests in the Happiness of Others

The Real Man takes time to plan for the welfare of others, and seeks to make special occasions memorable for them (especially for his family). He does not neglect special events, or wait for someone else to make the arrangements. He prepares in advance so that his efforts can demonstrate his love for others.

10. Is Wise and Unselfish with His Time The Real Man does not waste time on video games, selfish hobbies, or other pursuits. Instead, he uses his time to develop family relations, serve people in need, or make meaningful contributions to society. He sees his time as a valuable gift to be used wisely. Although he may engage in some hobbies or outlets, he does so sparingly, to refresh his mind and body.

11. Develops His Relationship to God and the Universe

The Real Man utilizes his spirituality and values to guide and limit his personal behaviors and social interactions. He does not make decisions based on what is most immediately profitable, satisfying, or simple, but makes wise decisions with a long-term perspective in mind. Because he values his spirituality, he consistently engages in learning and activities that strengthen his spiritual knowledge and attributes.

12. Proactively Provides for His Family

The Real Man takes a proactive approach to providing safe and comfortable living arrangements for his family. He does not allow himself to get discouraged or apathetic about his familys physical welfare, but recognizes that providing for his family is one of his highest duties, and sees it as a privilege. He humbly accepts help when needed, but continues to work toward self-reliance and fiscal security for his family.

13. Values Trust and Complete Fidelity

The Real Man avoids engaging in thoughts and actions that would hurt the feelings or violate the trust of his wife. He stays away from relationships and contact with others that could in any way be seen as inappropriate or unfaithful. He works to be faithful in all his thoughts, feelings, and actions, and is not swayed by those influences that would encourage otherwise.

14. Does Not Abuse Drugs or Alcohol

The Real Man recognizes the negative impacts and risks associated with substance abuse, and works to keep it out of his own l ife, and out of his familys environment. He recognizes that drug and alcohol use can detract from his mental, physical, or spiritual health; can negatively impact family relationships; and can impair ones ability to be trusted and relied upon.

15. Diligently Fulfills Family Obligations and Duties

The Real Man does not neglect family obligations and duties (including housework), in a way that leaves his wife or other family members feeling overwhelmed or resentful. Instead, he does what he can to lighten the burdens of family members, especially his wife. He sets an example for his children by willingly contributing to the general family welfare, wherever his efforts are needed. He does not see himself to be above any household labor (including dishes, laundry, and toilet cleaning).

16. Invests Time and Energy in His Marriage Relationship

The Real Man takes a proactive approach to ensure that the marital relationship is developed in positive ways, and that his wife has no doubt that he loves her and wants to continually grow closer to her. He demonstrates this by ensuring that he and his wife frequently spend quality time together (including regular dates). He also ensures that his wife feels supported, and that the family burdens are shared.

17. Protects the Family Environment from Bad Influences

The Real Man does not bring people, materials, or philosophies into the family setting that would put the family's well being and long-term happiness at risk. He wisely considers how to screen and limit what media, literature, and other influences are welcomed into the home. He uses his influence to encourage only uplifting elements.

18. Is Honest and Trustworthy

The Real Man is honest in all his interactions and always seeks to find and uphold the truth. When he engages in improper or hurtful behavior, or makes a mistake that negatively impacts others, he acknowledges his error, seeks forgiveness from those impacted, and works to prevent similar events in the future. Instead of denying, minimizing, rationalizing, or blaming others for his behavior, he is honest, humble, and repentant.

19. Openly Expresses Love and Personal Feelings

The Real Man does not subscribe to societal trends for men, such as acting bad, macho, crude, or heartless. But, he is open with his positive expressions of love for his family and others. He is open about his inner feelings, even when they are feelings of loneliness, sadness, or hurt. He shows compassion for others who are feeling this way. He recognizes that emotions are part of the human condition.

20. Is Humble and Unassuming

The Real Man has slain the tendency toward self-aggrandizement and pride. He chooses to be humble, caring, and sensitive, and is the kind of person others feel good being around. He sees all human beings as equal in worth. He makes his contributions to the world, without the need to announce them or to self-promote. He is happy to see others get recognized for their accomplishments, and he humbly accepts positive feedback about his own

What Is Manliness?
by BRETT & KATE MCKAY on MAY 16, 2010 70 COMMENTS in A MAN'S LIFE, ON MANHOOD

Share When we cover topics that are a little deeper than say, Frank Sinatras slang, there are always some people who pick up what were laying down, some who understand it but respectfully disagree, and others who simply misinterpret the article. The latter happens either because they did not have sufficient faculties to understand it or because we failed to write it in an understandable way. Whichever was the case, I noticed some misconstrued conclusions being drawn from last weeks article on Scarcity, Luxury, and Proving Ones Manhood. So I wanted to take the

opportunity to flesh out the topic a bit more. At the same time, I realized that while this blog is called the Art of Manliness, Ive never really sat down and explained exactly what I believe manliness to be. So thats what Id like to do today. Pull up a chair and lets get to it.

The Need to Plant Manliness in a Firm Foundation

While there are some ageless principles of manliness, characteristics celebrated by hundreds of different cultures in many different eras, some of the ideals of manhood have varied across peoples and time periods. These aspects of manliness were planted in transitory parts of culture. For many ancient cultures, manhood was rooted in being a warrior. But it was a battlefield-specific manhood ill-prepared for life during peacetime. In early American history, manhood was connected with being a yeoman farmer or independent artisan. But when the Industrial Revolution moved men from farm to factory, men wondered if true manliness was possible in the absence of the economic independence they once enjoyed. In the 20th century, manhood meant being the familial breadwinner. But during times of Depression and recession, and when women joined the workforce in great numbers, men felt deeply emasculated. And in many cultures in many different times, being a man meant being part of a privileged class or race; in the United States, men owned slaves who were but 3/5 the equivalent of real men. When class and citizenship became achievable for anyone willing to put in the work, men felt that not only their position of privilege was under attack, but their very manhood:

When manhood is connected to such cultural, and ultimately ephemeral guideposts, and times change, a crisis of manhood results. Some men then cling stubbornly to a past that cannot be recreated while others seek to redefine manliness in ways that while well-intentioned, end up stripping manhood of its unique vitality. Thus, the definition of manliness clearly needs to be rooted in a firm and immovable foundation. One that works across time, place, and culture and is attainable for any man, in any situation.

Manliness as Virtue
While the definition of manliness has been endlessly discussed and dissected in scholarly tomes, my definition of manliness is actually quite straightforward. And ancient. Aristotle set out in his Nicomachean Ethics a code of ethics for men to live by. For Aristotle and many of the ancient Greeks, manliness meant living a life filled with with eudaimonia. Whats eudaimonia? Translators and philosophers have given different definitions for it, but the best way to describe eudaimonia is living a life of human

flourishing, or excellence. Aristotle believed that mans purpose was to take actions guided by rational thought that would lead to excellence in every aspect of his life. Thus, manliness meant being the best man you can be. For the ancient Romans, manliness meant living a life of virtue. In fact, the English word virtue comes from the Latin word virtus, which meant manliness or masculine strength. The Romans believed that to be manly, a man had to cultivate virtues like courage, temperance, industry, and dutifulness. Thus for the ancient Romans, manliness meant living a life of virtue. So my definition of manliness, like Aristotles and the Romans, is simple: striving for excellence and virtue in all areas of your life, fulfilling your potential as a man, and being the absolute best brother, friend, husband, father and citizen you can be. This mission is fulfilled by the cultivation of manly virtues like: Courage Loyalty Industry Resiliency Resolution Personal Responsibility Self-Reliance Integrity Sacrifice These virtues are manliness. And they can be striven for by any man, in any situation. From the soldier to the corporate warrior, from the firefighter to the stay-at-home dad. The ways in which men today can demonstrate these virtues may often be smaller and quieter than our forebearers, but that doesnt make them any less important or vital.

At this point, someone will always jump in and say, Wait, wait, shouldnt women be striving for these virtues as well? Absolutely. There are two ways to define manhood. One way is to say that manhood is the opposite of womanhood. The other is to say that manhood is the opposite of childhood. The former seems to be quite popular, but it often leads to a superficial kind of manliness. Men who ascribe to this philosophy end up cultivating a manliness concerned with outward characteristics. They worry about whether x,y, or z is manly and whether the things they enjoy and do are effeminate because many women also enjoy them. I subscribe to the latter philosophy. Manhood is the opposite of childhood and concerns onesinner values. A child is self-centered, fearful, and dependent. A man is bold, courageous, respectful, independent and of service to others. Thus a man becomes a man when he matures and leaves behind childish things. Likewise, a woman becomes a woman when she matures into real adulthood. Both genders are capable of and should strive for virtuous, human excellence. When a woman lives the virtues, that is womanliness; when a man lives the virtues, that is manliness. This is not to say I think the genders are identical. In the Code of Man, Dr. Waller Newell argues: We need to aim for the highest fulfillment of which all people are capable-moral and intellectual virtues that are the same for men and women at their peaks-while recognizing the diverse qualities that men and women contribute to this common human endeavor for excellence. We need a sympathetic reengagement with traditional teachings that stress that while men and women share a capacity for

the highest virtues, their passions, temperaments, and sentiments can differ, resulting in different paths to those common pinnacles. Which is to say that women and men strive for the same virtues, but often attain them and express them in different ways. The virtues will be lived and manifested differently in the lives of sisters, mothers, and wives than in brothers, husbands, and fathers. Two different musical instruments, playing the exact same notes, will produce two different sounds. The difference in the sounds is one of those ineffable things thats hard to describe with words, but easy to discern. Neither instrument is better than the other; in the hands of the diligent and dedicated, each instrument plays music which fills the spirit and adds beauty to the world.

Manhood and the Culture of Manhood

So how does all this connect with last weeks post about the culture of manhood? While I think that men and women can aim for the same goal of virtuous excellence, I dont think we have identical weaknesses in that journey. One of the weaknesses unique to men is that we have a hard time moving from boyhood into manhood. Yes, its a generalization, but women seems to have an easier and more natural transition into mature adulthood. Men, on the other hand, often need a push to leave adolescence behind. Its easier to remain dependent, to stay as a consumer instead of a creator, to live for self instead of others. Cultures across the world have recognized this. And as we talked about last week, the culture of manhood was designed to address the problem and to make manhood a desirable goal, something men would desperately want to attain. Immaturity was stigmatized. What

the culture of manhood did was provide an external pull which drew as many men as possible into manhood-it was a wide net, a tide that lifted many boats and motivated the many men who would have otherwise been content to hide in the background and live safe, mediocre lives. We see this played out in modern society where there no longer exists a strong culture of manhood-many men today are struggling to grow up and into honorable manhood. Theyre never sure when theyve crossed that threshold and have left behind the boy and taken on the mantle of manliness. But even though we no longer have a strong culture of manhood, this does not mean there arent still individuals who seek out manhood on their own. These men are far fewer in number and are self-motivated. Their desire for manhood comes from within, from an internal drive. But the attainment of manhood does not happen in a private vacuum. The men I admire today, the men who have attained manhood despite the odds, all have one thing in common: They sought and completed a rite-of-passage. They went looking for a challenge when others hid from it. While last time we mentioned that opportunities to prove ones manhood and experience a rite-of-passage were almost non-existent, this was meant to describe the state of things on acultural level. Society has become so niche-fied and fragmented, that there no longer exists rites-of-passage that are recognized by the entire tribe. The challenge for todays man is to become part of the little tribes that still offer this invaluable rite-of-passage. The military, churches, fraternal organizations, and adventures of other sorts can still help men cross the bridge into manhood. Or the passage may come to a man by accident, through the strong and resilient handling of the death of a father or the contraction of a disease. By whatever means

it comes, the rite-of-passage breaks the gravitational pull of the path of least resistance, the path trod by so many, and propels a man onto the road to true manliness. The loss of a culture of manhood surely has its downsides-the biggest being that fewer men will be prodded into mature manhood. But for the men with courage to still seek it out, the upside is that the manliness they find will not be born of outward pressures or cultural expectations but from inner values, conscience, truth, and heart. The bottom line? True manhood still exists for those who seek it.
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