Ex

Ne,
my
mykids
and
Forming a workable relationship
for the benefit of your children
Tips and hints on
surviving separation
Available free from www.csa.gov.au or call 131 272:
Disclaimer
The information in this publication is provided as a guide only on the understanding that
the Australian Government is not providing professional advice. The Child Support Agency
recommends that users seek professional advice for their particular circumstances.
Although every care has been taken in preparing this publication the Child Support Agency gives
no warranty or guarantee for the accuracy, currency or completeness of the information. Further,
the Child Support Agency accepts no responsibility or liability for any loss or damage suffered as
a result of reliance on the information contained in this publication.
Acknowledgements
The developers would like to thank all the parents and service providers for sharing their insights
and experiences.
Designed by Looking Glass Press
Author/distributor: Child Support Agency; Looking Glass Press (ill)
ISBN: 0-9751931-4-7
First edition printed 2005
Commonwealth of Australia 2005
This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may
be reproduced by any process without prior written permission from the Commonwealth. Requests
and inquiries concerning reproduction and rights should be addressed to the Commonwealth
Copyright Administration, Attorney Generals Department, Robert Garran Ofces, National
Circuit, Barton ACT 2600 or posted at http://www.ag.gov.au/cca
This publication was produced by the Child Support Agencys External Relations Group.
Queries or feedback about this booklet should be sent to CSACommunication@csa.gov.au
Practical ideas
on developing
and maintaining
relationships
with your kids
after separation;
in particular for
parents who spend
much of their time
away from their
children.
Addresses the
challenges that
arise around money
issues following
separation. Includes
hints and tips on
stretching your
dollar further.
Helping separated
people deal with
emotional issues
such as anxiety
with suggestions
and resources for
dealing with them.
Deals with
issues that afect
separated families
when parents
re-partner.
Includes tips on
building healthy
relationships
after separation.
An interactive CD
Rom where real
people in real
situations share
their experiences,
tips and tools
about navigating
their way through
separation.
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About this book
Children benet from the love and support of both parents. Making
parenting decisions, providing education, looking after their health
and providing a home will require you to both work together for the
benet of your children.
Were not together anymore so why do we
now have to develop a good relationship?
The most important reason is your children.
Developing a good relationship with the other parent after you have
separated isnt easy. This book provides help through:
Practical ideas on relationship building
Hints and tips
Experiences from other parents
Details on useful contacts for seeking extra help
A word of advice
Separation is often a time of conict between parents. Where
violence and abusive behaviour is present attempts to develop
a working relationship with the other parent may not be possible.
Seek professional help if you are affected.
Extra help can be found at the end of this book listed under
Useful Contacts.
WHATS GOING ON?
Flip through the book to read the sections that relate to you at this time.
Pause
Are you:
Angry?
Depressed?
Hurt?
Fighting all the time?
Try starting with
Pages 15 which help you to
deal with your emotions rst.
Pages 1920 which talk about
the causes of conict.
Proceed with caution
Are you:
Talking with your ex but things
could be better?
Falling into the same old
arguments?
Not putting your kids rst
all the time?
Look at
Page 16 for tips on effective
communication.
Page 24 for ideas about
parenting after separation.
Pages 2533 for suggestions on
parenting arrangements.
Move forward
Are you:
Feeling a lot better than you
did when you rst separated?
Keen to make the best of the
situation for your kids?
Looking for ways to keep being
better parents together?
Ways to move forward
Pages 1015 helps you to build
a working relationship that
focuses on your kids.
Pages 3436 provide
information and practical
tools on how to identify and
meet your goals.
Extra help is available during this difcult time no matter where you
are in your separation. See pages 4044 for the list of Useful Contacts.
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Table of Contents
Separation and emotions . . . . . . . . . 1
Cycle of grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
Tips on dealing with grief . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Painful games parents play . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Moving forward . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
What is a workable relationship? . . . . . . . . 11
Dealing with your ex . . . . . . . . . . 16
Effective communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
Conict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Hot spots with your ex . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Power and control struggles . . . . . . . . . . 20
How ghting hurts the kids . . . . . . . . . . 21
Resolving conict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Sharing parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Parenting after separation . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Parenting arrangements . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Planning your childrens future . . . . . . . . 26
Tips on how to reach agreement . . . . . . . . 27
Parenting time schedule . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
Parenting time schedule options . . . . . . . . 29
Example of a parenting time schedule . . . . . 33
New directions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
Planning for change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
Acting on your goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
Dealing with set backs . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Dealing with friends and family following
separation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
Useful contacts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40
Community service providers . . . . . . . . . 40
Government agencies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
Self help books . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
Websites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Parenting arrangements guideline . . . . . . foldout
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Separation and Emotions
Separation is not a single event. It can take
place over months or years and is often an
emotional roller coaster with many changes
and adjustments to a persons life.
Emotions experienced before, during and after
separation are those of grief at losing the family
unit as we have known it.
A range of emotions can surface in any order, at any time, for
different periods. Everyone experiences them differently.
Cycle of Grief
Shock feeling numb.
Denial disbelief and pretending that this isnt happening.
Anger frustrated outpouring of bottled up emotions.
Bargaining trying to nd a way out; to resolve the situation, or to
try and start again.
Depression/Isolation realising that its going to happen.
Acceptance nding a way forward.
Change looking for real solutions to move on and be focused.
Did you know?
Researchers estimate that
the period of adjustment
for families can range
anywhere from 1 to 3 years.
Did you know?
Children also experience the grief process when parents
separate. They may not know how to say it but might show
it through things like being clingy or crying or not being
able to focus on school work. Have a look at the What
About Me? booklet pages 3233, available from the Child
Support Agency. To order a free copy of the book visit
www.csa.gov.au
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Activity
Circle the feelings you have experienced in the last month.
Depression/
Isolation
Shock Denial Anger
empty disbelief hesitant furious
lonely unsure indecisive unforgiving
hopeless overwhelmed indifferent hostile
distressed confused rejected bitter
unhappy wounded dismissive jealous
fearful insulted negative mean
Bargaining Acceptance Change
guilty determined involved
regretful calm focused
sorry understanding relaxed
shamed respectful opportunistic
weak strong empowered
hopeful motivated active
Write down how you would like to deal with these feelings.
Why would you like to deal with these?
What would it look like for you if you dealt with these?
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Tips on dealing with grief
Shock
When people are physically in shock we cover them with a warm
blanket. Take care of yourself:
Take time out just for you even if its only 10 minutes a day.
Eat regular meals that include fruit and vegies.
Read a book, listen to some music.
Get some good sleep.
Cry as long and as often as you need its a natural reaction.
Talk about your feelings.
Ask for help. Find someone who will listen. (See Useful Contacts at the
end of this book). Take any assistance that is offered.
Anger options to deal with anger
Write it out Work through your anger by keeping a journal or
by writing letters BUT dont mail them. Its a way of putting down
what you think and feel and standing back and looking at what you
have written.
Shout it out Wind up the windows in your car or put your head
in a pillow, and scream. It helps to get rid of the negative energy in
your body.
Talk it out Instead of directing your anger at your ex, talk to
a friend or seek help with a professional who specialises in anger
management.
Take responsibility for your part of the relationship
break-up Its rare that only one partner is solely at fault.
Recognising what makes you angry can help to nd the triggers
and old patterns so that you can take steps to stop repeating them.
Think about the important issues Talking about every little
irritation provokes resentment let go of the small stuff.
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Denial
Denial is a natural coping mechanism for things that happen which
we dont really want to see.
Be honest with yourself and ask:
What are the thoughts or situations I have been trying to avoid?
What have I rejected because its too close to home?
Is there some truth in it? If so, what can I plan to do about it?
Face your behaviour, make a plan to improve it and then stay with
the plan.
Depression/Isolation
Sometimes when youre depressed its hard to get any enjoyment out of
things. You may have stopped doing things you used to enjoy, which
keeps the depression going.
It may help to get back into a routine but take it slowly. Try to
do more of the things you enjoy. Your doctor, counsellor, church
leader, elder or friend may be able to help you.
Find out about local support groups led by trained and
experienced professionals.
Re-establish familiar routines.
Get some exercise.
Bargaining
Ask yourself:
What would the situation look like in 12 months time if I did?
What would the benets be?
Change
Establish a plan for the future and set goals for 6 and 12 months ahead
(see page 36, Acting on your Goals).
For more information about dealing with
depression see What About Me? page
23. To order a free copy of the book see
the inside front cover of this book or
visit www.csa.gov.au
Extra help can be found at the end of this book
listed under Useful Contacts.
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I Spy
This is where one parent tries to get information about the other
parent. For example, Tell me sweetheart, who was at Mummys/
Daddys house when you were there?
Impact on child
Children love both parents and this game asks them to break
the trust of a parent or carry the anger of a parent.
Tug of War
Trying to get the childs support which then conrms that the
parent is right. For example, Listen, the kids dont like sleeping
over with you when your new partner is there isnt that right
kids?
Impact on child
Children feel as if they are being ripped apart and
consequently lose respect for both parents and themselves,
sometimes unable to show their real feelings.
Painful games parents play
Separation is usually a painful experience for everyone involved.
The emotions and feelings can lead to putting children in the middle
of battles.
If you nd yourself being drawn into one of these games refer to
the following sections for some suggestions on how to deal with the
situation:
Effective communication pages 1618.
Resolving conict pages 1923.
Tips on how to reach agreement page 27.
Common games parents play that can harm children are:
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Pass the message
Telling the children to pass messages to the other parent when it
should only be discussed between the parents. For example Tell
Daddy that he needs to put the child support in the bank account,
Tell Mummy to pack some more clothes next time you come to stay.
Impact on child
Being a messenger is a big load for a child. They feel worried
that the other parent will become angry with them and then
withdraw into their shell.
Setup
Trying to get in the way of the time the other parent spends with the
child. For example, Dad has footy tickets for a weekend game when
the children are not in his care and requires the child to ask Mum if
he can go. Mum responds with a No.
Impact on child
A child can become unfriendly and argue with the other parent.
It can also lead to behaviour that isnt the childs normal
character.
Party Pooper
The child is criticised for the activities done while with the other
parent. For example, Is that all you did today? Thats not very
exciting.
Impact on child
A child feels let down and bad about the day spent with the other
parent. This can lead to difcult behaviour next time.
Children learn from the important people in their lives.
They learn how to treat other people and manage
feelings and emotions. Parents need to deal with
game-playing and develop positive ways of dealing
with the other parent.
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What would I do without you?
Separated parents might count on their child to support them or
ll the emotional gap theyre experiencing. For example, You
are such a great help, especially when I am sad what would
I do without you?
Impact on child
Children feel responsible and worry when having to take on
the role of their parents friend or helpmate.
Over My Dead Body
Parents try to keep the children from the other parent, or
try to nancially bankrupt the other parent through costly
legal proceedings to show that they are the better parent. For
example, Unless you stick to the agreement I will go back to
court. Over my dead body will you do
Impact on child
Children feel it is their fault and that if they werent there
maybe their parents wouldnt be ghting.
Guided Missile
Children are used as a weapon to try and change the way the
other parent acts, or to try and get something from them. For
example, You are spending all your time with your new partner
what about the kids?
Impact on child
Children think that their feelings do not matter when they are
used as a pawn.
7
Name Calling
Sometimes parents believe that the children should know the
truth about the other parent. For example, What would you
know about being a responsible parent you loser!
Impact on child
Children deserve to feel good about where they come from.
By putting down the other parent, the child feels thats the way
they are thought of as well.
Money Games
Parents might let children know how worried they are when bills
arrive. For example, We have so many bills this month; I wish
the child support money was more regular. But dont you worry
well survive.
Impact on child
Children become scared and feel insecure. They may start to
unnecessarily worry about ways to bring money into the home.
Starting Over
Sometimes separation makes parents feel that they need to start over
and part of this is adopting a younger look with clothing or hairstyles,
staying out late or not coming home until the following morning.
Impact on child
Children nd it embarrassing and confusing when parents act like
one of the kids. Its a time when they need care and guidance
not to be guiding.
Spring Clean
Parents remove everything from the home that was connected to
the other parent, for example, photos, CDs, clothing, books etc.
Impact on child
Children feel a sense of isolation and loneliness and can retreat
within themselves afraid of the repercussions if they say
anything about the other parent.
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Blame Game
Im not saying its your fault. Im just blaming you!
I have nothing, your mother has everything! or I miss you so
much when you are with your father. I hate being alone. A parent
may blame the other parent to relieve their anger and frustration,
protect themselves from additional loss or because they want the
childs affection and believe this can only be done by alienating
the child from the other parent.
Impact on child
Children feel guilty and manipulated that they are being forced
to take sides and reject the other parent. They become fearful
and angry that if they dont take sides that they will lose the love
and affection of the parent. This could hurt your relationship
with your child as well as the other parent.
Phone tapping
Parents listen to the telephone conversations between the child and
other parent; regularly interrupting by making comments and
asking questions.
Impact on child
Childs sense of trust, privacy and safety with the eavesdropping
parent is jeopardised. The child becomes angry, agitated
and distracted which impacts on their willingness to openly
communicate with them.
Parents with Pressies
Some parents give extravagant gifts and outings to their kids
to try and compensate for their absence. Often the other parent
feels inadequate because they cannot afford to do the same and
animosity builds between the parents.
Impact on child
Children may come to expect these gifts and outings on a regular
basis and develop a distorted view of what relationships are about.
When the gifts stop the child may resent the parent for not giving
them their due, or think they dont love them any more.
9
If things are really bad,
it might help not to see
the other parent for a
while communicate
by phone, letter or
email instead.
I had to rethink my role
PARENT NOT partner.
Counselling can help.
You dont have to
win every ght.
Focus on whats best for the kids.
Blame and anger arent very useful.
Give it time
things will improve.
Talk to someone dont bottle it up.
Try to come to an arrangement
with the other parent.
Sometimes things go
backwards for a while.
Have goals and make plans for the future.
Look after yourself.
Moving Forward
Staying angry with your ex allows them
to live rent-free in your head.
Things can and do get better with the other
parent especially if you think of making it
a working relationship. You may no longer be
partners but you are parents forever.
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What is a workable relationship?
Its not about getting back together.
A workable relationship is one which involves both parents negotiating
the day-to-day parenting responsibilities. It takes effort.
Many people put up with difcult relationships in business situations
or partnerships e.g. shopkeepers, accountants, doctors, lawyers,
community services, restaurateurs. They do this in order to maintain a
workable relationship and to achieve their goals.
Activity
Ask yourself:
What are your goals regarding your relationship with your ex?
1. e.g. To deal with each other without it turning into a screaming match
2.
3.
What are your goals for your children?
1. e.g. To make sure the kids realise that they were not the cause of separation
2.
3.
What are your exs goals for your children?
1. e.g. To maintain their routines
2.
3.
How can you compromise with your ex to achieve the best outcomes
for your children?
1. e.g. Suggest we go to speak with a counsellor to help us reach
an agreement
2.
3.
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A workable relationship has four key elements:
Shared respect To not publicly judge the other
parent.
Consideration To be sensitive to the feelings
of the other parent. Put
yourself in their shoes.
Courtesy Being polite shows
consideration for the other
person.
Clear communication To swap ideas, listen, and try
to understand where the other
parent is coming from.
Although your relationship as partner has ended, your role as Mum or
Dad will continue for a lifetime. Children do well when they are able to
have a nurturing, supportive relationship with BOTH parents.
Children grow, so plan on them wanting BOTH of you to be involved in
holidays, weddings and other special occasions.
Parenting is forever!
Parents are still
responsible for their
children w
hether they
live w
ith them
or not.
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The benets of setting up a workable relationship include:
Agreed future directions for the children.
Shared parenting where BOTH parents make joint decisions
about the children.
Improved involvement with the children having a more active
role in their lives.
Increased nancial security for the children.
Less pressure to make and take full responsibility for all
decisions.
Providing a more stable environment for the kids.
Reduced legal conict.
Reduced stress for you, the children and the other parent.
Children develop healthy and safe ways to work through their
own feelings.
The choices parents make impact on childrens lives.
Positive choices will serve your children better.
Activity
Before you can move forward with your relationship with your ex you
need to look at where you are now.
Place an X and todays date where you are on the line.
No conict Sometimes ght Extreme conict
1 5 10
13
Think about the things that stop you from moving forward or
developing a workable relationship with the other parent.
CAUTION: Where children have experienced or are exposed to
abuse, developing a workable relationship may not be appropriate
or achievable. This harmful behaviour can have damaging effects
on children.
Ask yourself: Response:
1. Have you always been at
this point on the conict
line, or has it changed?
2. What caused the change?
3. What stops you from
changing?
4. Whats it like being on this
point on the conict line?
5. Where would you like to be?
Why?
6. What do you think is
realistic?
Look at where you are now. Where would you like to be in
6 or 12 months time?
No conict Sometimes ght Extreme conict
1 5 10
See page 36 for more information
about how to achieve your goals.
I used to be at a 9,
now we are at 2. It
takes tim
e and hard
work but its worth it.
Simon, separated 3 years
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Although progress
can be made
through these
feelings and
emotions, setbacks
are NORMAL.
TipsTipsTipsTipsTipsTips
Rethink your role PARENT not Partner.
Work through your anger (see pages 14).
Create limits with your ex:
Be clear about arrangements and agreements. Check your
understanding with questions.
Stick to talking about the kids and their issues.
Dont get stuck talking or arguing about the past.
Separate childrens needs from personal concerns
list them.
Ask yourself:
Is this really a problem?
How will it affect the kids?
Would the kids needs be met if my concern was not
acted on?
Try not to compete with the other parent. Let them talk without
interruption.
Face conict head on, resolve it on the spot (see Resolving
Conict on page 22). Arrange a time and place to talk
without the children.
Give changes a chance to take hold! Look to the longer term.
Suggest a time for review.
Accept others for who they are rather than how you would like
them to be. Respect the other parents privacy.
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Dealing with your ex
Effective Communication
Children benet when parents treat
each other with respect and can
cooperate. This can be a tough thing
to do as a relationship breaks down.
Understanding your personal style
of communicating will go a long way to help you make things more
comfortable.
Poor communication makes things difcult and feeds conict, creating
power struggles.
Roadblocks to communicating effectively
One or both parents have negative or hostile reactions to
each other.
Suggestion try saying it in an email or a letter (always
keep a copy for reference when discussing issues later).
Interference or distractions from the outside.
Suggestion use a neutral location to meet, for example,
a cafe; suggest both parents turn off their mobile phones.
Always being in a hurry does not allow effective
communication to occur.
Suggestion Arrange in advance a time to speak
not at changeover time.
Parents need to be clear about what they are saying.
Suggestion Prepare, write down the issues you wish to
cover and tick each off as you go through them.
Parents have different words to express themselves.
Suggestion Keep it simple. Reconrm your
understanding of the conversation with the other
parent Do I understand this correctly?
Separate your former
roles as partners from your
ongoing role as parents.
CAUTION!! Where high conict, abuse
or violence is involved, communication
with your ex may not be possible.
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There are three recognised styles of communication.
Passive Aggressive Assertive
Description
You put the
rights of others
before your own,
minimising your
own self worth.
Often feel that
you have no
control over a
situation.
You stand up for
your rights but
you violate the
rights of others.
You stand up for
your rights while
maintaining
respect for the
rights of others.
State limits and
expectations and
check on others
feelings.
Language
used
This is probably
wrong but
You have more
experience than
I do
You must
Dont ask why
just do it
I choose to
What alternatives
do we have?
Non-verbal
styles
(behaviours)
Sighs a lot.
Looks down or
away.
Hunched
posture.
Moves into
peoples space
overpowers.
Points, shakes
nger.
Frowns, glares,
stares.
Open, natural
gestures.
Direct eye contact.
Relaxed and
condent posture.
Potential
consequences
or effects
Lowered self
esteem.
Builds
dependency
relationships.
Disrespect from
others.
Feared by others.
Alienates others.
Higher self esteem.
Respect for and
from others.
Feels motivated
and understood.
Problem-
solving style
Avoids,
ignores, leaves,
postpones.
Agrees
externally
while disagrees
internally.
Must win
arguments,
threatens,
attacks.
Operates from
a win/lose
position.
Negotiates,
bargains,
compromises.
Deals with
problems at the
time they happen.
Doesnt let
negative feelings
build up.
Can you identify which style you tend
to use when dealing with your ex?
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Suggestions
You may feel uncomfortable using these phrases at rst, but with
regular practice it will become easier. Practice makes perfect.
Here are some examples of assertiveness:
1. Stating your preference or opinion
My preference is____________.
What Id like is____________.
2. Expressing your feelings
I feel angry/hurt when____________.
I am concerned about ___________.
3. Making requests
This arrangement is not what I hoped it would be. I would like
to change it.
This is what I really want.
4. Disagreeing with someone
I disagree with you when you say _____________
because_____________.
5. Confronting
I statements:
I feel______when you_______ because__________.
I want you in future to__________.
Activity
What is the most current issue with your ex that youre having
difculty with?
Write down your response to the situation.
The Assertive Style is generally the best style to use.
Very few people are all one style.
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Button pressing is where you feel you are being deliberately
aggravated by your ex.
This might include:
1. Reading what your ex has said about you in documents that you
believe not to be true.
2. Purchasing things for the children without discussing it with you rst.
3. Returning children without their clothes or other items they
left with.
4. Deliberately bringing up past
arguments or differences of opinion.
Conflict
After separation you need to be able to discuss
issues that affect the children without being stuck
in old battles.
Whats important is how you handle your
differences not that they exist.
Sorting out issues is part of everyday life.
There is almost no end to what sparks conict during separation:
Differences of opinion.
Complaints about how agreements/arrangements are carried out.
Criticism about behaviour/attitude.
Doing the opposite to what was asked.
Hot spots with your ex
Did you know?
In 60% of instances, it
is not what is said that
matters but how it is said.
He rolls his eyes every
time I speak!
W
hen she speaks to
m
e she always has her
hands on her hips!
He looks everywhere
else but at me when I
am speaking to him!
Its the look she gives m
e!
The things your ex did
when you were together often
continue to annoy you after
separation. Sometimes what
you think is deliberate
button-pressing to get you
annoyed is
simply the way
your ex is.
19
Activity
Recognise the trap before you take the bait; write a list of situations
that you nd yourself reacting to.
Write what it is you do to push their buttons.
Power and control struggles
When separated parents deal with power and control issues it is
important to understand the way it appears to the children.
Typical power and control struggles are:
1. Coercion and threats using physical violence or verbal threats.
2. Intimidation put downs, breaking things or acting aggressively.
3. Economic abuse withholding nancial payments.
4. Emotional abuse name put downs, criticising and making the
other parent feel guilty.
5. Children denying involvement, threatening to take the children
away, alienating the other parent.
Getting a third person to
help deal with conict can
take the heat and emotion out
of the argument to move forward.
Mediation services are provided by
local community service providers
and some government agencies.
For a list of your local Community
Service Providers visit
www.csa.gov.au or call
CSA on 131 272
Extra help can be found at the end of this book
listed under Useful Contacts.
20
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E
X
How ghting hurts the kids
Dont let your children become casualties of a war
I just wish M
um
and Dad understood how scary it is when they argue and ght.
Laura, aged 13
I get scared when M
um
m
y
says she and Daddy are going to
court
will they com
e back?
Jared, aged 7
When children hear parents heated debates, bad mouthing and
insults, it hurts them.
Children see themselves as being half of their Mum and half of their
Dad. When they hear bad things about one parent, they tend to feel
that it is something bad about them as well.
Children should not have
to go through nancial or
emotional hardship because
of a decision made
by their parents.
Every tim
e D
ad calls,
M
um
butts in saying Tell your
father blah blah blah. It really
cuts m
e
its m
y tim
e, not hers.
Im
ogen, 15 years
I just w
ant to tell them
to shut up w
hen they argue over
ridiculous things
they dont
give a dam
n about anyone
else. It really does m
y head in.
Isaac, 17
21
Resolving conict
Any conict that comes up should be sorted out quickly dont let it
go on and on until someone reaches boiling point.
Steps involved in dealing with issues
1. Let go of the old stuff how you used to do things. Avoid using
the words never, ever or always and you. E.g. You always make
promises you cant keep.
2. Think about your own actions and reactions. Work on things
you can control. If you become upset, stop and continue when
you have calmed down. Speak calmly, breathe slowly.
3. Pay attention to your physical and emotional health. Look
after yourself. Role-play practice with a friend or counsellor what
you want to say and how to respond in difcult situations.
4. Let your children know you both love them and will always
be their Mum and Dad, no matter what happens.
5. Agree on short-term arrangements then look at longer-term
solutions.
6. Focus on needs and interests, for example, The kids need to
see both of us regularly rather than taking a position which invites
arguments, for example, I want the kids every other week.
There are NO quick xes or miracles.
You can do all the right things and
still not have immediate results.
When parents can work through their conict, it helps children
learn about how to handle disagreements. It gives them condence
in their parents ability to take care of them and move forward.
22
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Activity
Try some of the following activities for three months with your
ex partner and keep using what works:
Be as calm as possible.
Remember when one parent wins and one loses both lose and
so do the kids.
Avoid statements like Prove it.
Take time to identify the actual issue you want to resolve.
Write down the best and worst thing that can happen.
Ask for what you want you might get it.
Talk straight. When you say YES mean yes and NO when you
mean no.
Try to negotiate a solution you both can live with.
Tips
Dont tell your ex that they are wrong. If you do, you can be assured
that your wrong ex partner will ght even harder to prove that
they are right.
Admit when youre wrong, its difcult but your ex should
have more respect for you for doing that than for defending an
incorrect decision.
Make sure your body language matches your words:
Body language communicates 60% of the message we send
to others.
Tone of voice communicates 30% of the message we send to others.
The actual words that come out of our mouths communicate
10% of our message.
For more tips on dealing with conict see
What About Me pp 3031.To order a free
copy visit www.csa.gov.au
Tip
Tip
Tip
Tip
Pick the right time and place to work it through. More often than
not, separated parents ght late at night when theyre tired and dont
have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with the problem.
23
Sharing parenting
Parenting after Separation
Children look to their parents for signs that the family can and will get
through this difcult period.
You are no longer partners but are still parents forever. This means trying
to nd a way to work through the issues of separation and parenting.
See pages 11-14 for more information on workable relationships.
Id like to see my kids more but they live two hours away. I get to
see them every second weekend and speak to them every Tuesday,
Thursday and Sunday. I meet my ex at a half way point for
changeovers. We split the school holidays and if there is something
really important going on for the kids, Im there. My ex and I have
set a regular time each week to discuss the kids. Its not perfect but
its working for the kids at the moment.
Nathan, separated 10 months
My ex and I have a folder that we send with the kids at changeovers.
It has school notes, newsletters, reports and homework sheets etc. If
money has to be paid for incidentals then it is placed in an envelope
so the kids dont see. Bags are dropped off at the other parents house
so the kids dont feel awkward going to school with them. This has
worked now for 2 years with no major problems.
Damien, separated 3 years
Initially after we separated and I spoke to my ex on the phone, it
ended up in a screaming match. I decided to go to counselling to
learn how to deal with it. I backed right off, didnt react to the
sarcastic comments and was more exible about arrangements for
seeing the kids. It took a while but my ex and I can now have a
conversation without it ending in a phone hang up.
Anna-Marie, separated 18 months
24
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Activity
Sit down with your children, and ask them what they want from
Mum and Dad. Make a list and stick it near the telephone as a
constant reminder.
Parenting arrangements
One of the ways to work through the
issues of parenting is to have some
parenting arrangements in place (see
the Parenting arrangement guidelines on
the foldout at the back of the book).
Parenting arrangements outline the
responsibilities of both parents in raising
their children. The focus should be on what is best for the children.
Typically, parenting arrangements cover important areas such as:
Recreation and holiday arrangements.
Residential and child care arrangements.
Financial arrangements e.g. who pays for what.
Decision making guidelines about the children.
Special occasion arrangements e.g. birthdays, Christmas.
Time spent with each parent and the wider family called a
Parenting Time Schedule (refer to page 28 for more information).
Parenting arrangements should ideally be changed regularly to meet
the needs of your growing children and the needs of both parents.
Initially, after separation both parents may want to review the
arrangements quarterly, or six-monthly. When relationships
and routines become more stable over time, it might be
appropriate to only review the document yearly.
When high levels
of conict are not
involved, exibility is the
key to successful shared
parenting arrangements.
25
Planning your childrens future
When creating your parenting arrangements make sure the age, needs
and personality of each child are thought about.
Children need:
stability and routine in relationships with family and friends,
in living environment, school, clubs and activities.
clear and honest explanations about what is happening and
why, appropriate to their age.
consideration their views need to be taken into account before
any nal decisions are made.
communication to know how to keep in touch with people they
care about, e.g. by letters, phone, email video/audio tapes.
Arrangements about the kids were disorganised and
this led to so many arguments. The counsellor suggested
we draw up a Parenting Plan so we did. Its much
easier now and theres less ghting we both
know what to expect so do the kids.
Liz, separated 16 months
It looked like it was going to get ugly there for a
while with the lawyers potentially making a packet.
I was told by a mate that he and his ex
had followed a thing called a Parenting Plan.
He ran me through what theyd done and
then I suggested to my ex that maybe we
give it a go. Its been working ever since.
Josh, separated 7 years.
What parents say

Your decisions about how much time the children

will spend in the care of each parent may affect:
how much child support a parent is
responsible for
whether a parent can claim a tax
dependency deduction
parenting rebates and other agency
payments e.g. sole parent allowance.
Since we set up our Parenting
Plan there arent the hiccups
there used to be. Its helped us
to be more focused on the kids
rather than on the issues we
have with each other.
Tom, separated 2 years
26
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For more tips on keeping in touch with your kids, see Me and My Kids.
To order a copy visit www.csa.gov.au
Tips on how to reach agreement
Focus rst on the areas of agreement and then move to
discussions about things you dont agree on.
First questions to ask are:
Is this a child related problem or a parent issue? If not a childs,
whose problem or issue is it?
What impact (if any) does the problem/issue have on your
children?
When you think the other parent is taking everything you say the
wrong way. Try asking:
Tell me what you think.
I hear you saying Is that correct?
What do you think would be best for our children?
When you feel yourself closing down:
Remind yourself you are doing this for your children. You and
the other parent love them and they need both of you.
If you nd yourselves getting stuck GET HELP!
Mediation see other useful contacts in the back
of this book.
Counsellors, GP, Church leader, Family Court.
Refer to Dealing with your ex on page 16.
Refer to What About Me? booklet One step
at a time pages 3031. To order a copy visit
www.csa.gov.au
Family Relationship Centres
27
Parenting time schedule
Parenting time schedules form part of parenting arrangements.
The contact schedule normally outlines the:
regular ongoing contact arrangements for the non-resident
parent and child e.g. weekly, fortnightly, monthly
arrangements for special occasions e.g. Christmas, birthdays, etc.
D
id
y
o
u
k
n
o
w
?
Budgeting for tim
e together,
if you live far apart, m
ay be
a reason to review your child
support assessm
ent. Call CSA
on 131 272.
Because peoples lives and childrens development needs continually
change, all agreements should be exible.
28
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Parenting time schedule options
012 Months Development of trust
It is important for an infant to feel safe; to have
consistent routines and their needs met promptly.
TIPS:
Contact away from the primary caregiver should be short but
frequent.
Contact needs to be adjusted to the childs eating and sleeping cycles.
Both parents should be aware of the infants usual routine.
EXAMPLE: 13 hours two to three times a week.
1224 Months Developing language and
memory skills
Emotional attachments to one or two caregivers start
to form and so a change in surroundings can be unsettling.
TIPS:
Contact with both parents should be no longer than three days apart.
To ease the initial anxiety at changeover ensure familiar possessions
are sent with the child cuddly toys etc.
The duration of contact with non-resident parents should increase
and progress to overnight stays over time.
EXAMPLE: One daytime period of up to 8 hours with up to two
non-consecutive overnights each week.
29
2436 Months Establishing bonds with
many caregivers
Initially a toddler may resist separation from the
primary caregiver and start to show their frustration
with tantrums.
TIPS:
Make changeovers as quick and painless as possible to minimise
separation anxiety.
Present a united front kids at this age will start to test the
boundaries and its easier on everyone if they are the same at both
houses.
EXAMPLE: Two non-consecutive nights per week with one weekend
per month.
35 Years Developing social skills
Children start to imitate adult behaviours and develop a
basic understanding of language, time and relationships.
They do not, however, understand the concept of separation
or divorce.
TIPS:
Foster good feelings about future time to be spent with the other
parent. Tomorrow Mummy/Daddy is taking you to the park and
then you are staying at her/his house!
Keep conict away from your kids.
Talk to them about their feelings regarding the separation
e.g. Are you feeling sad?
EXAMPLE: Two to three consecutive nights each week.
30
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612 Years (Primary School)
Developing relationships
Self esteem, condence, security and peer pressure
become issues.
Children begin to feel concerned about spending an equal
amount of time with each parent so it is important they
have individual time with each.
TIPS:
Inviting friends over to play is an important part of growing up.
Younger children still need frequent contact.
As a child matures, longer periods with fewer changeovers may
be preferable.
EXAMPLE: Alternate weekends with two consecutive overnight stays
in the off week.
1317 Years (Adolescents)
Increasing independence
Adolescents begin the process of separating from their parents, resist
rigid contact arrangements and start to make independent decisions.
TIPS:
Friends and social activities become rst priorities.
Flexibility is the key!
Dont be disappointed if your kids don't want to spend time with
either parent at this age. This might not be about the divorce but
more about the lifestyles of teenagers!
EXAMPLE: Every alternate weekend with some exible contact
in between.
There are many ways to share parenting. Dont be limited by the
examples above. As a parent you know what is best for your child.
31

Ideally both parents should experience all aspects of parenting
e.g. when child is happy, sad, sick, at school, with friends, at
mealtimes, at bed times, in the morning etc. Dont forget both
extended families should be involved with the child also.
At rst I didnt want Glen to have any
contact with the kids at all. Then I realised how
the kids, Glen and even I would bene t if he did.
N
ow he picks them
up from
school every day as he
nishes work early. They love spending tim
e with
him
and he helps them
with their hom
ework. I pick
them
up at 5.30 and we dont have to pay for
after school care!
Sarah, separated 2 years
Here are some suggestions that have worked for other parents:
Shared parenting time for very young children
e.g. both parents meet and play with child in a park or in one
parents home.
Non-resident parent drives children to various activities
e.g. picks them up for school, takes them to sport etc.
Grandparents become involved in kids school reading program.
A week in each household.
Non-resident parent looks after child when child is sick.
Parent with more exible working hours provides after school
care for children.
Shared parenting is not about splitting the time with each
parent 50/50 but is about both parents being involved in the
decision-making and the care of the children.
32
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After school pick up
Activity time with
non-residential parent
up to 2 hours
Contact period that has a duration
of up to 4 hours and includes a meal
Afternoon period 15.30 pm
Child sleeping over with
non-residential parent
Hobbies/Tutoring/Outside school
activities that the parent is
responsible for the transportation
Morning period
812.30 pm
Month SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Week 4
* Bruce Smyth (2004) Parentchild contact schedules after divorce: Family Matters No. 69 pp 3243
Parental Sport Duty/
Coaching
Key
For more tips on staying in touch and other activities to
do with your kids, see Me and My Kids. To order a copy,
see the inside front cover of this book or visit www.csa.gov.au
Example of a parenting time schedule*
You may want to show your parenting time arrangements with pictures
to give you a snapshot view of your week/month. Depending on your
arrangements, you can choose to add as many or as few pictures as
you like.
33
what you have
what you need
what things will help you to reach
your goal.
New directions
If you take charge of the little things,
the big ones will soon fall into place.
Separation can leave you feeling confused and without purpose or
direction. It might help to look at where you are now. Lay out a game
plan for the kind of life you want, and start moving in a positive
direction to achieve your goals.
Change
Change can be used as a way to review how you live and relate to
others; a chance to improve relationships and your quality of life.
After separation we are no longer under the same inuences that
directed how we lived our life. It is a new world where we can explore
and decide what we want and who we are.
Planning for change
Deciding to make a change means that you have set a new goal to
achieve. With all goals you need to gure out the:
steps you will take once youre ready for action (start small)
hurdles you may come across
tools and budget you will need to make this change
kind of support you need to make this change.
Remember at this stage you are planning only not doing.
Your focus should be on:
D
id
y
o
u
k
n
o
w
?
Changing som
ething requires
you to practice it for at least 30 days before it becom
es
a habit.
34
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S
Activity
What do I want to work on?
Friendships Physical health
Relationships with family
members
Hobbies/leisure time
Job advancement Involvement in my
neighbourhood/community
Housing More involvement in
childrens activities
Creative/musical interest Self care emotional
wellbeing
Education Volunteering
It is likely that the most important change you have recorded ts into
one of the major life areas above.
If you ticked more than one set a time for each and
take it one step at a time.
Fail to plan and you plan to fail.
35
Acting on your goals
Having decided on the steps you will take its time to set a structure so
that they can be achieved. You do not need to do all these things at once
it may take several months or years depending on the type of goal.
For example
Goal: To develop a social network broaden my circle of friends.
Task Tools Date to be
completed
1. Create list of social groups
within your area
Yellow Pages
Internet
Community radio
Local community centres
30 June
2. Contact each group and
ask about:
types of social activities
costs
age groups
guidelines about kids
being included
List Sheet of A4 divided
up to record the details
26 July
3. From the list created:
tick the things in each
that you feel comfortable
with
check your availability
make sure there is
nothing else booked in
Calendar 14 August
4. Recontact the social
group(s) whose activities
you would like to attend
and register for the next
function
Telephone 1 September
Remember allow plenty
of time to achieve these
tasks do not add
any other pressure
on yourself.
36
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S
Dealing with set backs
It is rare that everything goes according to plan; mistakes are made
and it can feel all too hard. The best thing to do is to make a plan for
how you will cope when you dont feel good about yourself or how
things are going.
Write down a couple of people you can talk to that will
encourage you to keep going.
Write down one thing that you will do when you feel like giving
up on your goal.
If it is not working out WHAT THEN?
If after doing the above, and things arent going right, there could be
several reasons:
Your original goal may no longer hold any interest for you
its not until you start that you will nd this out.
You have learned something
new about yourself along the
way and this is something that
you are not cut out for. This is
NOT a failure.
You could need a break
from working on your goal.
Knowing when to put this
work aside is as important as
pushing yourself to succeed.
Set a future date to review
and start working on your
goal again.
Your goal was too big to
start with. Break it down into
smaller more manageable chunks.
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37
Dealing with Friends and Family
following Separation
With so many changes in your life many of your old friends might seem
changed too. We see them differently. They see us differently. Many of
our old friends will not know how to look at us.
Its a sad fact but you are likely to lose some friends you are not expecting
to lose, especially married ones. They may not understand the emotions
you are going through and feel inadequate or your separation is a little
too close to home.
Comments made by separated parents
Divorce really lets you know
who your friends are.
I looked around and everybody was gone,
everybody got kinda weird when Id run into em
at school, the shops or at functions.
Why do my friends react this way?
It was awkward for a lot of people, but my
friends acted like they were getting divorced instead
of me. But now I know how to handle it
when it happens to somebody else.
38
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D
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S
What can I do to maintain my friendships following
separation?
1. As soon as you can, sit down and prepare the details that you
want others to know, like:
Is it okay to ask the ex partner/spouse to parties?
Is it okay to invite your exs new partner to social events?
2. Most friends and family want to help but are unaware of what
it is you need. Ask for what you want and dont wait for them to
call as they may feel that they are intruding.
3. Leave nothing to chance in their understanding of your
expectations.
Do you want them to stay neutral and remain in contact with
both of you?
Do you want a particular friend to be someone you can
conde in?
Are you comfortable being invited to the same function as
your ex?
4. Give friends permission to tell you when they need a break.
Try to nd a support group as an alternative to relying on
your friends.
If you want to have a friend be one.
39
State, territory and local
governments and
community organisations
also fund nancial and
other counselling, support
and information services
in Australia. Check the
phone book for services
in your area. For website
links to state governments
and local councils visit
www.gov.au.
Useful contacts
Disclaimer
This list of resources is provided for your information
and convenience only. The Child Support Agency
does not accept responsibility for, endorse, monitor or
control external resources and is not responsible for
their content, services or your access or use of them.
Please note: Extra charges apply to calls made from
mobile and public phones
Useful phone numbers
Centacare 1300 138 070
Family Services Australia 1300 365 859
Kids Helpline 1800 551 800
Lifeline 131 114
Mensline Australia 1300 789 978
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Telephone Interpreting Service 131 450
Need a service in your area?
The Community Service Directory is a list of
community service providers located across
Australia. Details of services in your area can
be accessed by calling 131 272 or visit the CSA
website www.csa.gov.au.
40
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F
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C
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S
Centrelink
Phone 136 150
www.centrelink.gov.au
Information on all government benefits
Child Support Agency
Phone 131 272
Teletypewriter (TTY) 1800 631 187
www.csa.gov.au
Includes calculators, budgeting guides,
and contact information for community
services in your local area
Department of Family, Community
Services and Indigenous Affairs
Phone 1300 653 227
www.facsia.gov.au
Includes parenting website resources
Department of Human Services
Phone 1300 554 479
www.humanservices.gov.au
Family Assistance Office
Phone 136 150
www.familyassist.gov.au
Family Court of Australia
Phone 1300 352 000
www.familylawcourts.gov.au
Information to assist in the resolution
of family disputes
Family Relationship Advice Line
Phone 1800 050 321
www.familyrelationships.gov.au
Assists people from famlies affected
by relationship or separation issues.
Federal Magistrates Court of Australia
Phone 1300 352 000
www.familylawcourts.gov.au
Legal Aid Offices
www.nla.aust.net.au
Medicare
Phone 132 011
www.medicareaustralia.gov.au
Regional Law Hotline
Phone 1800 050 400
Access to government legal information
and services, including legal aid and
mediation
Government Agencies
CSAonline
CSAonline is a secure Internet
service which allows all CSA
customers access 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week to:
receive various letters and
statements online
update personal details, and
advise CSA of changes af ecting
child support payments
Its easy to register. Go to
www.csa.gov.au and follow
the links.
41
Self Help Books
There are many books and pamphlets available that can help you with
parenting and separation.
Your local library, community centre or bookshops are good places to start.
Children and Separation: a guide for parents and Questions and Answers
About Separation for Children, available from your Family Court Registry.
What About Children? available from Relationships Australia.
Moms House Dads House: A Complete Guide for Parents who are Separated,
Divorced or Remarried, Ricci, I. Simon & Schuster, New York.
The Truth about Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions so You
and Your Children can Thrive, Emery, Dr R.
Men and Separation Choices in Tough Times, available through Mensline
Australia and Relationships Australia.
Check out the range of other
self-help books, listed on the
inside front cover of this book.
42
U
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C
O
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T
A
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S
Websites
Parenting
The Raising Children Network
Online guide to raising children aged
0-8 including information on behaviour,
nutrition, safety, health and daily care.
www.raisingchildren.net.au
Community.gov.au
Provides access to online services
and information for community
organisations, communities and
individuals.
www.community.gov.au
Families.gov.au
Search for families-related online
government information and services.
www.families.gov.au
Parent LINK, ACT
Links to parent guides, tips and
emergency fact sheets.
www.parentlink.act.gov.au
NSW Department of Community
Services
Information on child protection and
childrens services as well as tips and
advice on parenting.
www.community.nsw.gov.au
Northern Territory Families Website
Tips about parenting and living
in families.
www.families.nt.gov.au/asp/index.asp
Department of Communities,
Queensland
Parent tip sheets, information
for families.
www.communities.qld.gov.au
Parenting SA
Access to Parent Easy Guides
information on a wide range of
parenting topics from birth through
to adolescence.
www.parenting.sa.gov.au
Department of Human Services,
Victoria
Information about families and children
of all ages. Includes link to Better Health
Channel (health information).
www.dhs.vic.gov.au
Community Resources Online, WA
Provides parenting tips and information
and details of services for parents.
www.community.wa.gov.au
Department of Health and Human
Services, Tasmania
A gateway to health and human
services in Tasmania
www.dhhs.tas.gov.au
43
Especially for children
CSA recommends parents supervise
their childrens online activities.
Kids Health
This US site has separate areas for kids,
teens and parents each with its own
design, content and tone. It provides
doctor-approved information on topics
such as health, growth, development,
emotional well-being, behaviour,
parenting, dealing with divorce
and stepfamilies.
www.kidshealth.org.
Its not your fault
Information and advice to kids of all
ages whose parents are separating.
The site has been developed by a UK
charitable organisation.
www.itsnotyourfault.org
Relationships
Relate
Information on relationships, family,
love and life.
www.relate.gov.au
Financial
Commonwealth Financial Counselling
Program
Directory of CFCP funded financial
counselling services listed by state.
www.facsia.gov.au/internet/facsinternet.
nsf/family/cfcp-cfcp_directory.htm
Child Safety
Kidsafe
The child accident prevention
foundation.
www.kidsafe.com.au
NAPCAN
Provides information about child abuse
and neglect, and promotes child-friendly
communities.
www.napcan.org.au
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Name Residential address Date of birth
Child 1
Child 2
Communication between parents will be: (tick all that apply)
Type Parent to
initiate
contact
Period (daily,
weekly, monthly
etc)
Date, time
in person
by telephone
by letter
by email
other
Non-resident parentchild communication: (tick all that apply)
Type Weekly (day
and time)
Daily (day
and time)
Monthly
(day and time)
in person
by telephone
by letter
by email
other
Records (tick)
Both parents will have full access to school, day care, medical
and other records of our children Yes
No
Parenting arrangements guideline
Use the following as a guide. Photocopy if you have more than two
children. Keep a copy for reference.
Decision-making and
responsibilities
Details Person
responsible
(Mum/Dad)
Education (which school will
the children attend KYR12;
entry into special classes)
Medical (medical procedures
needed, medications to be
taken, emotional health
decisions)
Dental (procedures needed
including orthodontics)
Selection of health care
providers (GP, Specialists,
Physiotherapists, Naturopath/
Homeopath, Counsellor,
Psychologist)
Selection of Child Care
Providers
When with mother
When with father
Before and after school
School holiday programs
Extra curricular activities
(what the children will
be participating in when
these activities involve each
persons parenting times)
Religious upbringing (what
faith the children will practice
on a regular basis, what
special religious ceremonies
or occasions will they be
involved in)
Extended family and
friends (who children will
have contact with e.g.
grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins)
A parenting arrangement is not enforceable. If you wish to have it made enforceable,
an application to the Family Court for Consent Orders should be made.
Special occasion parenting time schedule
Special days/
public holidays
Even
years
Odd
years
Parenting time
from/to
Pick up/drop
off locations
Mothers day
Fathers day
Mothers birthday
Fathers birthday
Childs birthday
School holiday term 1
School holiday term 2
School holiday term 3
School holiday term 4
New years eve
New years day
Good Friday
Easter Saturday
Easter Sunday
Easter Monday
Anzac Day
Queens Birthday
Christmas Eve
Christmas Day
Boxing Day
Note: When taking holidays with the children, let the other parent know
where, when and how contact can be made e.g. mobile phone (if out of
range provide a contact alternative)
Weekday and /or weekend parenting time schedule
Weekdays Weekdays
Mum Dad
From (pick
up date/
time)
To (return
date/time)
Weekend
Mum Dad
Pick up/
drop off
location
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Week 4
Costs
Kids expenses Responsibility for $ amount/
percentage
Mum Dad
Before and after school care
Child care (before and after school;
day care, etc)
Childrens pocket money
Extra curricular activities and
equipment (e.g. music/dance/martial
arts/horse riding/soccer/football)
Health and dental insurance
Holiday programs
Holiday travel (circle): air/rail/bus
School equipment
School fees
School uniforms
Sporting clubs
Tutoring
Claiming of deductions/rebates
(specify)
Child mobile phone and ongoing call
costs
Future moves
Both parents agree that the acceptable distance that
either may move from the other parent without
notication is _________km (e.g. 60 kilometres).
Household rules
Both parents agree that the following rules apply to
children in both households:
No drinking
No smoking
Helmets to be worn when bike riding/skating
School night bedtime is at ________ pm
(add your own)____________________________________
Agreed review date: _____ /______ /_______
Did you know? Some child support payments can go towards these expenses. For more information call
CSA on 131 272 or visit
www.csa.gov.au
C
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9
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6
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6
The tips are
great theyre
like mottos on
calendars.
Melissa separated 3 years
If youre starting to
go through separation
it will be really helpful
it works as a checklist.
Julie, separated 1 year
It shows you the common
problems that impact
on your child and the
seriousness of their efect.
Guy, separated 6 months
If you use the Parenting Arrangements Guideline in the
book the right way you might understand how you can
celebrate an occasion, like a birthday or Christmas,
rather than make it into a kind of purgatory.
Matthew, separated 18 months
The games section is
fantastic so on the ball.
Alex, separated 2 years
It focuses upon whats
best for the kids.
Lisa, separated 15 months
Sometimes you get into bad habits
you dont necessarily do it to get
back at people thats why
reading this really helps.
Madeline, separated 9 months