THE

17th November 2007 St Andrew’s Day Edition £5.00

ETON ZEITGEIST
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 We misunderstand the terrorists
A
letter in Viz recently read:
‘If the failed 21/7 bombers
had just waited three more
days, we’d all be calling them the 24/7
bombers. This would imply that they
blow things up all day every day and,
despite their actual lack of success, make
them at least sound like they were good
at bombing’. This comment personifies
our view that because terrorism
often results in the horrific deaths of
innocents, we mistakenly infer that these
catastrophic fatalities are the primary
motivation of the average terrorist or
suicide bomber, and therefore not the
means to a different end.
Most terrorist attacks in the name of
outspoken ideals and principles are
often highly ineffectual in achieving
an intended result in the long run. This
is because terrorism’s most probable
sources for successful attack resulting in
the effective spread of fear and mayhem
are military targets instead of the most
frequently targeted civilian ones. If they
have minimalist goals like evicting a
foreign power from their country or
winning control of a piece of territory,
rather than maximalist objectives like
establishing an entirely alien government
in the nation or annihilating another
nation or entire religion. But even so,
terrorism is a pretty ineffective means of
influencing established policies.
Hezbollah’s targets of eliminating the
presence of diplomats and Israel within
Lebanon counts as a success, yet so does
the limited success by the Tamil Tigers
of establishing a Tamil state.
Most governments regard it that their
civilian populations are not attacked
because the terrorist group is staging a
violent outcry against external conditions
such as territorial occupation of their
fatherland or ignored and unaided
poverty; countries which are the victims
of terrorist attacks perceive any short-
term consequences of terrorism such as
the fatalities of innocents, a rejuvenated
lapse in confidence for the domestic
government and panic breaks out,
shortfalls in trade and the regression of
civil freedoms to be the objectives of the
terrorist groups. In short, target countries
view the negative consequences of
terrorist attacks on their societies and
political systems as evidence that the
terrorists want them destroyed. Target
countries are understandably sceptical
that making concessions will satisfy
terrorist groups who they perceive to be
mistakenly motivated by a maximalist
objective.
On one level therefore terrorism rarely
succeeds since it makes people less
likely to adhere to the group’s demands,
no matter how limited or seemingly
insignificant to lifestyle or political
orientation they could be. The reaction to
terrorism contradicts the intentions of the
terrorist; because of the physical impact
upon human lives and the lack of a sense
of safety at home, the average victim and
bystander cannot accept that the stated
limited demand could be a real one.
Thus we may understand what the
reason is for the claim that so many
blindly make which is that al Qaeda
terrorism (in some cases any Islamic
terrorism) has an ulterior motive to all
other groups. Many such groups have
real intentions to alter policy in a state,
whereas al Qaeda harbours the sole aim
of human destruction. This is something
we have heard from President Bush again
and again: “They hate our freedoms
-- our freedom of religion, our freedom
of speech ... We will take defensive
measures against terrorism to protect
Americans”.
Contrary to popular belief, Bin Laden’s
policy objectives have been relatively
consistent. These are six examples of
a former CIA analyst named Michael
Scheuer, whose book is named Imperial
Hubris:
1. End the USA’s support of Israel
2. Force American troops out of
the Middle East
3. End the U.S. occupation of
Afghanistan and Iraq
4. End U.S. support of other
countries’ anti-Muslim policies
5. End U.S. pressure on Arab oil
companies to keep prices low
6. End U.S. support for moderate
Arab governments, like Pakistan
Bin Laden has complained that the
American population has misunderstood
the intentions lodged behind the 9/11
attacks. Yet terrorism, and 9/11 in
particular, conveys such a drastic and
extremist element that people assume
that the effects caused by such attacks
are representative of the group’s political
intentions. Bin Laden’s actual objectives
are ignored as people focus on the
deaths, the destruction and the economic
impact the attacks upon the World Trade
Center, the Pentagon and flight United
93.
Appallingly, President Bush’s
misinterpretation of the motives of
terrorism grossly distorts their intentions
in the eyes of the West at large. The
fact that this prevents terrorists from
achieving their goals can never justify
their means; instead it does the opposite
by demonstrating terrorism’s impotence
as a political tool of influence. Terrorism
is not an end in itself but merely
the means, however misguided and
erroneous it may be; we must understand
not only the violence and loss caused by
their tactics but their motivation as an
aspect to which we must relate. It is our
deep-rooted prejudices which shroud our
understanding and cause us to maltreat
and nullify the motivation and focus
instead upon the threat.
Terrorists are fundamentally a case
against Darwinism - suicide bombers
must one day blow themselves up
to a point where their destruction
of themselves undermines their
effectiveness; all the best ones blow
themselves up. It seems that the causes
for which they die which will most
probably not change, but our view as
to their motives, will be steadily more
shrouded by our governmentally -
influenced assessments.
theetonzeitgeist_ 3
3 leading article
Alex MacKeith RDO-C
We don’t realize the real goal of
terrorism

5 editorial
The Editors organize a few events

6 KS in a Cage
Patrick Leigh-Pemberton
KS
Che Guevara II tries to start a
revolution in the school

7 Fancy a trip to the Editors: Max Wagner, Finn Dattenberg-Doyle, Jeremy Letwin
Designer: Joon-Son Chung
moon
Cartoonists: Will Moore, Richard Braham, Ed Maris
Chris Butcher IH
Hobbits: Johnny Lillis, Hugo Cobb
When can we summer in the sky?
Master in Charge: GDM
8 Scientific Etonian
Exciting new discoveries in the
scientific world

10 The Eton
boomerang: What
goes around comes
around
Hugo Cobb PB
Gossip from around Eton

12 Belgium should
settle for a quiet
divorce With thanks to: MCM, PKM, JMG, ML, RMS, MJA, PB, WFM, Theo
Archie Cornish KS Andrews, all our advertisers, the orginal Sheep team, our house
This country will soon cease to reps and all the people who have bought this magazine.
exist

14 Peter Doherty: 16 Columns 18 Interview with

What a waster? Fraser Brough DMG Geordie Greig
Johnny Lillis WFM Bobby Leigh-Pemberton Talking to Britain’s ‘most
Doherty seems to be on the road MJLB connected man’
to recovery Ze Beast WFM
Ramblings…

4 _StAndrewsDayEdition
 Editorial
Welcome readers,
Thank you for buying this magazine,
whether you signed up optionally, were
press-ganged into it or were told the
price was three issues for £5, which
unfortunately it isn’t. It doesn’t really
matter now; the chances are you will
read on anyway. Therefore we will not
bore you with a tedious summary of what
lies ahead; but instead give you a brief
history of how this magazine started.
This magazine was the brainchild of
Max’s Junior Chronicle days, and went
through a number of names including -
Hoot, The Maverick, The Gutenberg and
The Sheep, until finally we settled on The
Eton Zeitgeist, for a number of reasons,
but mainly because we like the word
Zeitgeist. We think it has a nice punctual
flavour to it. So then we went through
great lengths to make it official and find
a Master-in-Charge, after many long
nights and long documents both were
done, despite one taking a lot longer than
the other. And lastly we added the bread
and butter of the mag, the articles, and
despite annoying a few senior figures and
many boys along the way we created this
magazine. We started in E Lent!
Now that the history is over we would
like to take the chance to advertise some
activities the always eco-friendly Eton
Zeitgeist is organising:
However, if you would like us to be
made aware of an activity you think
we would be particularly interested in
1) In an attempt to reduce our organising for you do email our sub-
carbon footprints we have started an editor/ warlock at r.weasley@hogwarts.
eco-friendly march down Common com, we will try and respond as soon as
Lane on Friday 30 November, possible.
continuing every week from then
on. If you also feel a paternalistic,
unwarranted desire to ‘protect’ a We hope you enjoy the magazine.
perfectly stable planet we suggest
you join in on our festivities. This The Editors
week’s slogan is ‘we love the planet,
be green’ and we will be suitably
setting fire or destroying anything we
deem ‘not green enough’ in order not
to pollute the world any further. So
far we have received strong backing
from doomsday environmentalists:
In the next issue,
Stern and Gore. Bring your matches
and an idiotic mentality; this isn’t
much of an inconvenience.
The Revenge of the Sheep team
2) We are looking for compatriots
to help us form the Sloane The New Zeitgeist room
Appreciation Society on Facebook.
Requirements: long brown/black hair,
called Max/George/Johnny, wears
I saw the Hogwarts Express...
vintage Ralph Lauren or Abercrombie
and Fitch t-shirts, favourite band the The Jackal exposed
Kooks, reads the Week and plays
tennis in the summer because he is Scoop on Social Services?
+
made to. We suggest any volunteers
meet us at Starbucks on the Kings
Road?
Unfortunately these are the only
activities we are organising this half. Lots of interesting stuff
theetonzeitgeist_ 5
KS in a Cage
Monday
Was last person into chapel, again, dirty
look from House Master duly registered.
I think I pulled a muscle crossing School
Yard, have declared myself officially off
games, which is lucky, as I have no sport
anyway. Did the Maths for last Saturday,
it was actually quite short, and easy, but I
have to put on the semblance of someone
struggling to survive in this, our GCSE
year, thus avoiding all rips that might be
sent my way with the sympathy vote.

Tuesday
I was assigned my first F blocker today,
quite a nice chap, polishes well. I might
get another one, the going rate is four
Geography exams or one maths question,
it is a bit cheap, but demand has ceased
as last years’ crop have turned out to be
one of the best vintages ever, and many
have been kept on. Was talking to Serge
(identity obscured for fear of employee with very little cyber protection, and only fully accepts the need for revolution.
disloyalty) and apparently his block a growing awareness of something called Watched If, made a few notes
have no CD drive whilst at school, in Health and Safety, who are as we know Need more People
order that they and their friends may not: the greatest totalitarian group of them all. Need to start rebelling
watch DVDs, rip CDs, or play computer Need to do it on a day that is
games. Instead they are going to have to not the day that is not the 4th of June.
file share DVD rips, Steal music over the Thursday Need to get a jacket like
network and download crack games from I have been canvassing for the removal Travers, that is cool.
the Internet. Boys’ planning, as always, of certain totalitarian figures; just saw Have recommended If... to all fellow
has been impeccable. unnamed English beak give an innocent believers.
Fheed a dress offence for having black
socks on- he will be added to the list
Wednesday of beaks soon to be removed from his Friday
Had another think about diktat podium of power, at least, that is, if Chapel was interesting, some man who
above, and have spotted another flaw, everyone who said they would today, spoke like a machine gun and destroyed
supposedly this drive is also meant to all other ideologies just as fast, maybe
encourage more boys to read, instead he would be interested in leading the
of watch DVDs. I was stuck by how revolution....
this might affect the social dynamic of
F block. Instead of watching the latest
DVD on someone’s laptop, together, with Saturday
friends, they are to be encouraged to sit Slept through divs, needed to think of
in their rooms, on their own, interacting excuse, did not write in Diary, in fact
with nothing but a bit of dead tree. (This I am writing this on Sunday, which is
does not mean however, that they should odd, as it is normally my Diary day off.
stop subscribing to The Eton Zeitgeist.)
I have decided that something needs
to be done about this present set up. I Sunday
(CHE Guevara II) am going to start a
Diary Day Off, but read above anyway.
revolution , and bring the school back
into the golden age of the early 2000s,
6 _StAndrewsDayEdition
 Fancy a trip to the moon?
Chris Butcher IH wonders whether space travel will soon become a reality in the form of Virgin
Galactic. For only $200,000 a ride one can leave the whole earth behind.
Now that mankind has conquered the
skies with mainstream commercial
aviation, it naturally looks to broaden
its horizons. Man must now conquer the
universe, or rather, commercial space
travel. Is it possible?
When you look back no more than just
one-hundred years, human kind was
taking its first baby steps into taking
transport to the skies. The Wright
Brothers succeeded in “building the
world’s first successful airplane and
making the first controlled, powered
and sustained heavier-than-air human
flight on December 17, 1903”. About
thirty years later, man saw the dawn of
commercial aviation. The possibilities of
travelling thousands of miles – or going
abroad for the first time – were finally
possible.
So, here we find ourselves a century
later trying to make the next big
achievement in travel. A little more than
thirty years ago, the USSR launched the
first successful manned flight into space.
Sure enough, thirty years later we’re
striving to open the opportunity to the
public.
The idea is perfectly feasible, there is no
technical hurdle to cross before sending
people into space; - we’ve already
done it, right? But making it practical,
would mean revolutionising space travel
altogether. Today, you could book a
flight on Virgin Galactic, it boasts trips
as early as 2009. The cost? $200,000.
So, it would appear that for the next two
years, we can forget seeing an EasyJet
spacecraft flight. What about the next 10
years? What would commercial space
travel require?
Firstly, it needs to be safe, aviation
wasn’t safe enough to be used by the
public until thirty years later. So we’re
looking at a while before space travel
would be safe enough for public use.
Secondly, space travel isn’t comfortable
enough at the moment to encourage
“Space Tourism”. Having to reconstitute
canned food with water through a
syringe, the poor ventilation, and using
the toilet in zero gravity make this flight
somewhat less pleasant than a short hope
to Minorca. This also begs the question,
what’s a space holiday anyway? Is it a
trip into space and back, or a hotel stay
on the moon? A hotel on the moon is
even harder than a space journey itself.
Without oxygen, food or even gravity –
you can forget pools and tennis courts –
or even good weather. The simple space
flight couldn’t really be considered a
holiday, given the comfort of it all. Is that
what it’s all about?
You could argue it’s about experiencing
complete weightlessness, or the thrill
of leaving the entire earth behind and
going into the void. Well, for $200,000
per person, you can. But that’s an
experience, not a holiday. How long until
I can take my family to the moon? The
only player in the field of commercial
space travel is Virgin Galactic. It boasts
that “Virgin Galactic expects to provide
the first sub-orbital flights to the general
public, but does not itself as being in a
race.” ‘General public’ meaning those
who have $200,000 to burn, which
would probably work out being at
least double when you take in fuel and
training. Fuel being one thing that would
jeopardize common aviation, would
oust space travel altogether. So while we
can put the public into space, nobody
‘ hope so.
in their right mind would do it – which
makes the ‘commercial’ aspect void.
Until we’ve refined our space technology
to accommodate passengers in comfort
will the idea become feasible. Then, we
need to tackle the problems of cost, and
the environment. Fuel and the alarming
shortages thereof threaten to wipe out
the possibility of space travel on a
mass commercial scale, which means
an alternative fuel source is needed
before we can consider space flight
for the masses. A new fuel source is a
requirement more necessary to save our
planet than open up the curiosity in space
travel.
That doesn’t mean we should give
up the dream of going into space on
holiday. While commercial space flight
may not be viable in 10, 20 or even 50
years, the rate at which we discover new
and improve old aspects of science and
technology mean we could find ourselves
in space sooner than we may think.
Virgin’s vision of commercial space
holidays at $200,000 a pop by 2009 is
optimistic, but until man has really made
it available to the ‘general public’ will
it ever catch on. While we may one day
have the opportunity to go to space in
our lifetime, the question should really
be “Will commercial space travel ever
be convenient?” Curing cancer, saving
the starving in Africa and achieving
world peace may be priorities before
commercial space travel is possible for
everyone. Will it ever happen? I for one,
theetonzeitgeist_ 7
 Scientific Etonian
Nuclear repercussions
In 1957 the Windscale Nuclear reactor
had a fire, which, released radioactive
material into the air. This radioactive
material spread across Cumbria causing
what scientists thought would be
around 200 cases of cancer. Recent
re-assessment suggested that slightly
more radioactive material may have
been released than previously thought,
therefore causing around an estimated
240 cases of cancer. The cause of
the accident was an overheating of
graphite causing the material to leak and
subsequently be blown by the fan up the
chimney of the power station and not to
be filtered properly.
The laser harp
You may not have, before this time,
heard of a laser harp. It is not a relatively
recent invention and was amazingly first
produced in the 1970s. In most forms
of the laser harp a single laser beam is
reflected trough a lens which separates
it out into form many strands into a
fan like shape. The user of this laser
harp will then pluck at the beams, this
plucking causes the light beam to break
and so triggers a note to be played in a
synthesiser. The breakage of the light
is detected by sensors on the other side
of the harp. The laser harp is used in
Supersize me please
Liver damage, sky-rocketed cholesterol,
absent sex drive and 30 extra lbs. As
Morgan Spurlock demonstrated in his
award winning documentary ‘Super Size
Me’ in 2004, these are what the effects
of a month long McDonalds binge
does to your health. But in Sweden,
scientist Fredrik Nyström and his team
of volunteers are replicating the same
experiment. Each volunteer eats 6000
calories a day - the equivalent of over
10 Big Macs – and to ensure each
volunteer takes the full effect of the
8 _StAndrewsDayEdition
extravagant musical performances and
at concerts in order to amaze not as a
serious instrument. The strength of laser
required to be visible in air in the light is
quite strong and so the wearer normally
has to wear protective gloves and
safety glasses. The laser harp was most
famously used in a Jarre concert.
Sabretooth Bears?
For a long time when one has thought of
the most fearsome animal, a Sabretooth
“tiger” has come to mind. Recent
evidence suggests that although still
fearsome the Sabretooth was very bulky
challenge, walking moderate distances
has been prohibited, and free bus passes
distributed to ensure even the shortest
distances are covered by automation. All
in the name of science. In fact the current
results of the experiment seem to show
quite a difference to Morgan’s results
published in his documentary. While
Morgan’s liver was said to achieve life
threatening status, the students involved
in the experiment suffered hardly at all.
While Nystrom noted significant changes
in the enzymes and fat content of the
liver, he noted they were “never even
close to dangerous”. Despite the fat that
the volunteers gained throughout the
and was designed very differently from
lions or tiger. The tiger jumps on its prey
and asphyxiates them by clamping its
jaws around their neck, the Sabretooth,
on the other hand, would have been built
to wrestle its prey to the ground.
The Sabretooth’s famed bite is also at
stake. The research done suggests that
even if the Sabretooth had been built
more like a lion it would not have been
able to sustain the pressure needed to
asphyxiate most of its victims.
experiment, around 5-15% of their body
weight, none showed any signs of severe
heath problems, other than feeling “tired
and bloated” throughout the first week.
What the results mean is that we could
be misunderstanding the way which our
bodies can adapt to fat, and that heavy
eating takes a lesser toll on our vital
organs than previously thought. In fact,
Nystrom believes that eating to gain 10%
more body weight can be good for you.
Such extra fat can be burned off as heat
when we sleep, Nystrom believes that “If
that was not the case we would all have
to keep track of every last calorie”.
Chocolate. The source of
all evil? Think again.

Chocolate lovers of this world will be

pleased to know that chocolate is not
actually all that bad for you. In fact
you’ll be delighted to hear that, besides
being one of the most delicious foods on
the planet, chocolate is also an ‘essential
component of a balanced diet’ according
to the BBC. Interestingly enough,
chocolate bars were amongst some of
the vital supplies flown out to armies
fighting the Gulf War, however, one
cannot deny that eating too much of the
stuff will most definitely lead to obesity.
Another delightful statistic shows that in
a matter of years, chocolate toothpaste
will be able to save your teeth. Scientists
have discovered that the husks of the
cocoa beans, usually not included in the
ingredients for making chocolate, could
be added back in in to help prevent tooth
decay. However scientists will have to
find a way for the husks of the cocoa
beans to fully cancel out the tooth decay
caused by the chocolate in the first place.

When will you blow up?
Ultra thin TV
It might be whenever you least expect
A television screen only 3mm thick has
it, due to a phenomenon known as
been developed by Sony using organic
Spontaneous Human Combustion.
light-emitting diodes (OLED). The
Spontaneous Human Combustion is
OLEDs are more energy efficient than
not a fully proven scientific theory but
the average TV . The television will not
there is some evidence for it. Scientists
only be amazingly thin but will have a
have grouped Spontaneous Human
brighter, crisper picture than ever before.
Combustion into two types. Those
The first TV will be rather small and
incidences where the victim acts as a
will have a price tag of £850. The one
wick to a fire which has already started;
letdown of this is that the OLED had
the other type of Spontaneous Human
around half the life span of the LED.
Combustion is that where the victim
does simply what is said on the tin and
completely spontaneously combusts. The
wick effect is fully proven as a theory
and involves the human beginning to
burn and then the fat melting into the
human’s clothes and then after a while
the entire corpse (the person having
died on initial burning, normally while
sleeping) explodes. There are even some
cases of this type of Spontaneous Human
Combustion which involve the victim
not dying until the very end; the most
extreme case of this is one where a man
in America died from asphyxiation on the
fumes created by his own body burning.
The other type of Spontaneous Human
Combustion is rather less believable than
the first; it involves a person becoming
so statically charged that they simply
ignite. Most people, when they, get static
conducted into their body, simply release
it slowly into the air. Scientists believe,
however, that around 1/100,000 people
are susceptible to having especially dry
skin, and so, are able, when walking
across a particularly static heavy carpet,
to contain around 30,000 volts at a time.
This effect has also been reported to
result in the burning of only the victim
and not that of the surrounding, i.e.
pictures and desks or even beds. So the
answer is that you might one day just be
sleeping and suddenly blow up.
theetonzeitgeist_ 9
The Eton Boomerang
what goes around comes around
Hugo Cobb PB

Outdoor Pool: Thanks to a bit of

extended opening times, a few
hardened swimmers make the most of
their £30 subscription fee in 7-8 degree
water. One source has said that the
indoor pool will also face problems
soon. And that in 5-10 years there may
only be one swimming pool at Eton.

Marten Schools: JMAO-C is voted

the most hip, hop and happening
young beak in Eton, after his lead role
in hit TV series The Manor House, for
more information go to http://www.
pbs.org/manorhouse/thepeople/
mister_jonathan.html

School Hall: Tourists have adopted the

new tactic of standing right outside, as
opposed to across the road, when boys
are coming out of their houses, giving
the effect of paparazzi. Don’t worry the
A-Team will get ‘em?

Bekynton Schools: A beak tells us a Bekynton: A happy consumer body

new Politics, Philosophy and Economics after a very successful, curry/Asian day
building is to be erected in place of complete with Punjabi MC. Several
The Astro: After the school had Bekynton schools. Birley schools is also lucky diners also won curry cookbooks.
cottoned on, a notice was issued to due to be extended.
House Masters about ‘abuse of the all
weather surface’. And we’re not talking
about people moving the goal posts
about without due care. Rumours are
that designated smoking areas will be
installed in the next few weeks.

10 _StAndrewsDayEdition

Queen’s Schools: A new F block
starts their submission to the horrible
injustice of ECDLs. At the same time E
block are threatened with no internet if
they don’t complete them.
Rowlands: Chambers should definitely
be staggered block by block; people
are starting to get hurt in the bacon roll
rush.
Eton Security: As an addition to ‘the
A team’, our current security crew, the
school seems to have employed some
ex-marines. Word is one of them was
World’s Strongest Man in 1999.
Parade Ground: Thousands flock to the
Eton Action Fair, to thin out their wallets
and support hundreds of different
charities. Tens of thousands wonder
who that man is on the back of The
Chronicle?
Gym: PKM is honoured with the rank of
Lieutenant Colonel as he takes over the
CCF from Mr Wilcockson… Respect…
Common Lane: F block are to be seen
running for cover as conkers fly off the
feet and out of the hands of the power
crazy E block.
Cannon Yard Schools: D block’s
budding Geographers have a swell day
out on their coursework trip to Slough.
One woman exclaims “Please don’t give
my car a ticket!”, mistaking a boy for a
traffic warden.
theetonzeitgeist_ 11
Belgium should settle for a quiet Divorce
Archie Cornish KS reflects on Belgium’s ineptitude as a country, and
wonders whether it should go through a peaceful partition, with both sides
living in isolation like the tribes of Papua New Guinea.
At some time last week it looks as if
Belgium was officially declared pointless.
Absent-mindedly flicking through the
latest edition of The Economist (which is
of course, to my fellow Collegers and I, a
cracking good read) I found an editorial
concerning this fledgling European nation.
It highlighted the political turmoil in which
Belgium is languishing (the country is
without a government three months after
elections) and the social canyon dividing
the Dutch-speaking Flemish and the
French-speaking Walloons. The article
quoted a certain Yves Laterme, who
declared sometime this month that the
two Belgian social groups have nothing
in common except ‘the King, the football
team and a few beers’. He speaks the truth.
But who is ‘he’? Not the Euro sceptic
you might guess, nor the crazy French
nationalist. I hope he is not a closet Nazi,
either. In fact these are the words of the
acting Prime Minister of this country that
Lonely Planet grandly describes as ‘the
home of the saxophone’.
There is a gaping crater in my cultural
experience, never having been to this
chocolate-smothered land. I haven’t done
extensive research on its history (quite
short), its geography (flat) or its great
political figures (Poirot). I didn’t even
12 _StAndrewsDayEdition
read The Economist; the paragraph above
is sourced from the paraphrased version
of the article featured in The Week. But
fascinating though Belgium’s cultural
schism may be, I think Laterme’s words
have more significance when applied to a
greater separation. It’s extremely difficult
to talk of being ‘British’ nowadays without
sounding like David Cameron (though
I’m sure he’s proud to be Scottish, Welsh
and Irish as well), so I think it’s best to
refer to just general divisions between
the islands and the mainland (though for
almost half a century “Europe the united
continent” was hardly a convincing idea,
with a concrete wall running down the
middle to come to terms with). I think it’s
true that in Europe gaps just as wide as the
deceptively narrow English Channel exist.
We’re all miles, or kilometres, apart, in so
many ways. I should not tread clumsily
on the politics or the economics because
those arguments are left, quite rightly, to
those who have a fraction more resources
than the various magazines of a depleted
House Slab.
On perhaps his most well known and
loved songs (the clue’s in the forthcoming
handy quote and if you still don’t know
where have you been?) John Lennon
croons the words “Imagine there’s no
Countries”. Far be it from me to rubbish
the esteemed wisdom of the self-styled
Walrus, but perhaps John overestimated
people. If everyone were as open and
clever and wonderful as he was, wore
impossibly tight-skin shirts (like he did),
had silly haircuts (like he did) and posed
for posters holding roses (like he does on
a friend’s wall) then perhaps his vision
would be achievable. As it is, I think we
might be better off accepting that a Utopian
super-state in which people wear long,
flowing clothes and share cups of sugar
(or less suitable white substances) is not
the best way to go. It has been attempted
under several different incarnations. The
most mainstream is called the United
Nations, which has the power, when there
is a massacre in Rwanda, only to decide
that the situation is quite bad. The others
are variations on a similar theme: a nice
man with twigs in his hair goes to a Pacific
island with some like-minded friends, has
a great time and never comes back. If only
the UN was this powerful. To the innocent
bystander, it seems they spend the vast
majority of their time in Brussels.
But why was there a massacre in
Rwanda in the first place anyway? Again,
I am relying mostly on The Week and a
selection of Hollywood films but I’ll try
 to give the outlines. The killing was a
mutual business between the Tutsi and
Hutu populations. Unlike in Iraq, where
the sectarian violence seems to be, well,
loosely connected to the presence of U.S.
troops, the Rwandan massacre has its
roots in an openly colonial influence. The
tiny country was governed, from 1884
to 1962 (as the pinnacle of intellect and
scholarship Wikipedia would have it) by
Germany, and later, Belgium. Belgium
again? What a coincidence. After the
Belgians left in 1962 the Hutus began to
get their own back on the Tutsis for having
sucked up to the Belgians. Incidentally, do
the histories of Zaire and Rwanda, former
Belgian territories and the biggest and
once-smallest African nations, possibly
tell us something about Belgian colonial
expertise, seeing as one went through the
above massacre and the other was taken
over by a chap with a fondness for eating
his opponents’ testicles? But we’re getting
sidetracked. The point is that much of the
trouble in Africa is due to the efforts of the
Europeans to fashion various chunks of it
into single, easily-governed states. The
sad truth is that some groups of people
are simply not good at getting along. To
group two such groups into a country is
a mistake on only Belgian proportions
(which here, ironically, are huge).
Perhaps Rwanda’s reason for still existing
is the fact that everybody speaks the same
language (obviously Kinyarwanda). But
this is far from true for most of the world.
We may cheerfully remark to each other
that “learning Spanish’s actually quite
easy. It’s basically just Latin and a bit
of French”, but we forget that Europe’s
languages are almost all related like this.
Papua New Guinea (and here is perhaps
one of the best ever moments to insert
the words “on the other hand”), where,
mercifully, none of us ever got, is host
to no less than 23 language isolates.
This means that in two neighbouring
villages, the languages spoken have as
much in common as, say, the Queen
and Victoria Beckham. It has been like
this for thousands of years, and until
recently we said haughtily that this was
because they were reclusive cannibals
that only communicated with drums.
But personally, I think it’s quite sensible.
Not cannibalism or communicating with
drums, you understand, (although the idea
has an amazing romance to it) or being
reclusive, but none of these archetypes are
true anyway. Imagine, for example, that
we were obliged for a certain number of
weeks to go and live in France. We would
feel out of place, lonely and oddly clean.
The phenomenon is true even internally,
inside England. Is it necessarily a bad
thing that on first listen we might think that
Geordies are speaking some particularly
inaccessible dialect of Kinyarwanda?
Finally, because everything ultimately
does, I think we should relate the whole
issue back to our school. In almost
everything Eton College does it is
separating itself from the rest of the
country, distinguishing itself from other
schools, classes and styles of dressing. The
examples are everywhere. The real reason
we are single sex is really that we’re afraid
of becoming like everybody else. We
have our own rooms because, well, we all
know. That’s the point. Belgium should
go ahead and have a quiet divorce. The
last two people to try to carve out super-
empires of unity were Hitler and Stalin.
Neither, it has to be said, have gone down
massively well. Mr Laterme must just be
careful not to wear a headscarf though, or
the US might “help” with the division.

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theetonzeitgeist_ 13
www.bigyellow.co.uk Get some space in your life.
Peter Doherty: what a waster?
Johnny Lillis WFM gives us an insight into the past of Pete
Doherty, and wonders whether his new album, Shotter’s Nation,
will mark a dog turn in his lifestyle and music.
‘Pete Doherty’s cat is crack addict!’ round here/How do you do/I’d like to
declare the latest tabloids, adding to talk about that”. However, on the whole
the drug addled saga that has plagued the album sounds lazy and sprawling,
the singer’s life since his rise to fame especially in contrast to the tightness
with old band The Libertines five years of the Libertines’ albums. In particular
ago. The Sun reported how ‘Junkie Pete Doherty’s performances are poor; vocals
Doherty is snapped appearing to give his consist of hazy mumblings and his guitar
kitten crack – from a mini-pipe he made playing is spasmodic at times. It seems
specially for it’, while other tabloids that this was an album made in Doherty’s
described how Doherty regularly gives darkest period, and as a result the music
the kitten, called Dinger, crack cocaine suffers.
twist and tore our love apart”; Doherty
to the extent to which it believes it can At the end of 2006 expectant
retorts with “No, you’ve got it the wrong
fly. However, in their frenzied attempts fans were met with The Blinding EP,
way round/You shut me out and blamed
to shock, what the tabloids fail to report a huge step up from the disappointing
it on the brown [heroin]” followed
is that Peter Doherty is one of Britain’s Down In Albion. The five songs on the
later with “I know you lie/All you do
most talented singer-songwriters of the EP are much tighter, and Doherty’s
is make me cry”. Although the tension
time. He may be washed up, he may be performance is much more admirable.
between the two front men created a
a junkie, but he is also a deeply gifted ‘Love You But You’re Green’ is a
more interesting musical relationship,
lyricist, an area rarely touched upon by mellow lament, opening with the lines
it was obvious that things were going
the mainstream press. “I was a troubled teen/Who put an
awry in the Libertines camp. Barat
Even Doherty’s most loyal advert in a magazine/To the annoyance
finally disbanded The Libertines soon
fans are not naïve enough to dismiss of my imaginary lover” (and a riff that
after Doherty was released from jail after
claims that is destructive, deluded, and sounds suspiciously like Van Morrison’s
serving time for burgling Barat’s flat.
desperate – he is undeniably all three – ‘Brown Eyed Girl’!). ‘I Wish’ reveals
From then on Doherty’s life
but he is slowly but surely recovering a ska influence, complete with brass,
became a whirlwind of drugs, arrests,
from his problems (be they drug related, and ‘Sedative’ contains a huge rousing
court appearances, arrests, drugs, Kate
super-model related, or otherwise), chorus, that, in Doherty’s own words,
Moss, tabloids, drugs, etc., etc... Around
and this progress is evident in the ‘Makes Oasis look like the Smurfs.’
this time Doherty started touring with his
improvement of his music over the past Things were obviously improving for
new band Babyshambles, which he had
few years. Babyshambles with The Blinding EP, a
formed during the disintegration of the
In 2002 The Libertines debut release which in my opinion was one of
Libertines. Early gigs were shambolic
album Up The Bracket introduced to us the best of 2006 from any band.
and it was always rather hit and miss as
a young, aspiring Doherty, a romantic And so we come to Shotter’s
to whether Doherty would even turn up
who sang of Albion while simultaneously Nation, released at the beginning of
at all.
providing a sharp yet witty insight into October of this year. At time of writing I
In November of 2005, Down In
modern British life (with lyrics such have only had the album for a few days,
Albion was released by Babyshambles.
as the now infamous “There’s fewer but already the impression it has made
It was met with mixed reviews; some
more distressing sights than that/Of an on myself, and indeed on the media
people loved its romantic themes and
Englishman in a baseball cap” from has been encouraging. Some people
poetic leaning, but many claimed it
‘Time For Heroes’). Doherty, along with are claiming that the album is not as
was scrappy, incoherent, and at times
sparring partner Carl Barat, became the intimate as Down In Albion, but it seems
even unmusical. In my opinion the
great hope to resurrect British rock music to me that it is simply a different form
latter are right. True, Down In Albion
from the ashes of Britpop. of intimacy; instead of spewing his heart
does have its magical moments, such
The Libertine’s second self- out into the microphone, he leads us
as ‘Killamangiro’, ‘Fuck Forever’, and
titled album hinted at the beginning into his mind and reveals his thoughts
most notably ‘Albion’, a touching tribute
of Doherty’s decline, documenting in a much more subtle way. On opener
to modern Britain, featuring lines such as
the breakdown in Doherty and Barat’s ‘Carry On Up The Morning’ Doherty
“Down in Albion/They’re black and blue/
relationship through songs such as ‘Can’t sings “It’s not easy getting out of bed/Ah,
But we don’t talk about that/Are you from
Stand Me Now’. Barat tells how “You it’s too easy getting out my head”, and it
14 _StAndrewsDayEdition

is true to say that self-pity is very much
a recurring theme in Doherty’s lyrics
throughout the album. Another prevalent
change is the new found sophistication
introduced by producer Stephen Street
(The Smiths, Blur); this is clear in tracks
such as ‘You Talk’, a tight, fun, and
most importantly listenable track that
could never have been found on Down In
Albion. The album obviously contains a
wide range of influences, ranging from
the Kinks on ‘Delivery’ to Jam-style
the mood on ‘French Dog Blues’, via
‘There She Goes’, a song underpinned
by a groovy upright-bass line, that
shuffles along suavely. Songs such as
‘Unstookie Titled’ and ‘UnBiloTitled’
show Doherty’s recurring ability to
write mellow, touching numbers that
blossom gloriously. His confidence and
swagger of old is reaffirmed on songs
such as ‘Baddie’s Boogie’, which has the
biting, rising chorus “It’s a lousy life for
the washed up wife/With a permanently
plastered pissed up bastard”, and on
‘Crumb Begging Baghead’, where he
admits “I’m a crumb begging baghead,
baby yeah/Bet you say that to all of the
girls”. Shotter’s Nation then closes with
the poignant ‘Lost Art Of Murder’, a
stunning song which, if not actually
written about Doherty’s relationship with
Kate Moss, is still very applicable:
“What a nice day for a murder
You call yourself a killer
But the only thing you’re killing is your
time
There’s nothing absurder
Than a bird that’s a burden to your
Heart, soul, body, spirit and mind
Don’t look at me like that
She won’t take you back
Done too much been too unkind
Get up off your back
Stop smoking that
Change your life
Think it’ll change her mind” – ‘Lost Art
Of Murder’
You see, Pete Doherty seems to have
got to the stage where he has accepted
he is, to use his own words “Fucked,
forlorn, frozen beneath the summer”
(‘Delivery’), and thus Shotter’s Nation
is his chance to tell all who care to listen
his side of the story. He comments on his
own life: the tag alongs (“You said that
you loved me/Why don’t you fuck off” –
‘UnBiloTitled’); his drug problems (“Oh
well I never said it was clever/I just like
getting leathered” – ‘You Talk’); tabloid
coverage (“They sold my name/After they
stole my shame” – ‘Unstookie Titled’).
Peter Doherty is much more
than just a tabloid junkie rock star.
He has inspired a whole generation
(including myself) to pick up a guitar
and form a band, and the sound of The
Libertines can still be heard in nine out
of ten bands to emerge from London. He
is a cultured, well read man, who cites
Oscar Wilde and Joris-Karl Huysmans as
two of his biggest influences. He is also
an artist (his medium of choice is the
slightly unorthodox ‘blood on paper’), as
well as fashion designer and model (as
well as icon). As a lyricist, his poetical,
romantic approach to song-writing
differs hugely from almost all other
British song-writers, who tend to adopt
matter-of-fact narratives, and thus give
a fresh outlook on even well-trodden
themes. He may be hated by the press,
but then so was Keith Richards. Who
knows, maybe Carl Barat will go on to
receive a knighthood à la Jagger, but I
digress.
Doherty’s music is on an
upward slope, and right now reflects his
lifestyle. He has started to sort himself
out, and has just completed six weeks
in rehab. Provided he can maintain the
progress he is making, he obviously still
has a very big part yet to play in British
rock music, and indeed culture, not just
as a tabloid punch bag, but as the gifted
musician and lyricist that he is.
theetonzeitgeist_ 15
 saw the man. When their stares met, one
Bedtime Story with anger, one with acceptance, tears
A Gentleman’s Mantra
stood in their eyes. The dog lowered its
He Fought the Law head and prepared for pain. Those blood- Never Underestimate the
shot eyes had distracted the man and now
he swayed without a purpose. He fired Importance of Being Idle
by Fraser Brough anyway. The bullet threw itself out of the
way of control and in such a rage it drove
its head right through the dog’s foot.
by Bobby Leigh-Pemberton
Look at that man with his old gun, its
silver silver barrel, long and chic; antique The dog didn’t even move- it refused
to acknowledge the fact that it should There is, on television at the
in the moonlight and like his lengthy
be dead and instead just went on lying moment, an advert, by vodaphone,
neck it steels upwards. He marches like
on the floor, as it had done for so long. in which a man with a silly accent
a solemn hare - at a funeral. Frantic is
At this act of pure ignorance the man assures us that we can now make use of
inside him - throwing itself against the
became lost. Throwing fashion aside, he every single second of every day. I can
walls that professionally control it. The
clenched his fists right to the bone and honestly think of fewer more terrifying
entire atmosphere hanging over his head
bashed its spine until it broke, without prospects than every second of my life
he steps across the sand-1000 worlds
a rhythm just a frenzy of violence as being accounted for. I will admit that I
cracking under his weight-why don’t
passionate atoms raged around the room. am hopelessly lazy. But this term for the
they make more noise? KILL. Murder
With fury he made this old dog bleed. fist time since I arrived at this school I
rang in the air – anyone who saw him
And when in sheer exhaustion from have not been forced to squeeze into my
would know beyond the shadow of
the exercise that comes with hatred he shortest shorts and jog up and down a
any doubt that this man’s intent was
stopped to rest, his ribcage rising and pitch, whilst people who can jog faster
violent. Just like these amazing kids who
falling with all the might of an overdose. than I can look down on me, nor have I
stand at street-corners saying nothing
The dog removed its paws from its had to spend every free second learning
but who exude intimidation with such
cowering head and went on being lazy. lines for some play and nor have I
style that their aggression has become
And so again his wasted feelings turned been crushed by a million pages of E
a fashion. This man reached a caravan
to rage and he beat the thing until he block French pamphlet. Instead I have
- devoid of everything except a retired
could beat no more. But try as he might surrendered, totally and utterly, without
dog who stumbles about half-dead – all
he could not make this diplomat die, its hope (or indeed desire) of release to
the wonders of the world having gone
skill at evading death outran his passion the gloriously downy, cosy quilt of
to its head. The dog is all but asleep,
for the game every time. They were the absolutely bugger all. I am completely
lying in the middle of the broken room,
most spirited of teams, him and his fists wrapped up in it, and it feels good.
unfurnished apart from a dark poster
but he could not beat the subtle power I may not have scored more
of some sturdy campaigner, whose
that burned below his feet. And while goals than some other twit in lycra, I
forbidding face seems to rejoice in the
he hit it, he lost sight of the dog and may not have won critical acclaim on
fact that he is locked in the narrows of
instead swung wildly at an inanimate the stage, I may not have been awarded
the two dimensional by nothing more
pillow, a collocation of atoms, an object some book tokens for wearing my fingers
than tradition. It took the man two full
that was both abstract and material, so to the bone over some ghastly essay,
hours to open the door to the caravan
much so that it had become impossible but I have written reams of letters, I
– barely testing its strength with his
to destroy. And so he laid down right have improved myself with decent and
fingernails as he pushes it open with
next to the law his chest heaving with wonderfully trashy literature, I have
such precision that not a creak is heard.
his sad predicament, for he knew he listened to whole operas from to start to
With the silence of the desert and his
would be punished for his actions. The end on CD, I have arranged my room so
old, grey head buried in the wisdom of
dog removed its paws from its bloodied minutely that I feel entirely at home in
his paws, the dog didn’t notice him. This
head, and the two of them rested, for the it, I have drunk enough hot ribena to kill
man’s lithe arms rush forward with such
first time, by God’s grace, on which the better men, I have finally started to ‘get’
sleek strength it can hardly be considered
dog was founded, in harmony with one Leonard Cohen, I have been to every
manly. This beautiful revolver holds in it
another. society meeting that has caught my eye, I
the power to tumble empires, to undo the
have spent whole hours just lying on my
works of God himself, and yet like the
bed, staring at the ceiling, I have started
man, it does not quiver. Behind the face
to drink loose tea because I can, I have
of this man thoughts meander. ‘Look at
read the whole of newspaper articles, in
that dog. Just sits there. All day. You’re
short, I have made myself more content
not lucky - you’re an s**t. I can’t stand
than any amount of organised time filling
it any longer: that big dog - its grey
could ever do.
matted hair and tired eyes make it look
William Henry Davies
so stately. I hate it. Fire and damnation-
expressed what I am attempting to say
hell look out as I brandish this gun over
far more eloquently than I ever could:
the lazy beast- this controlling machine
that watches me live everyday, I have
What is this life if full of care
to think about it and walk it and feed it!
We have no time to stand and stare?
I have to feed it!’ With such aggressive
…
thoughts bouncing off the walls of the
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
little caravan the dog raised its head and
16 _StAndrewsDayEdition
 And watch her feet, how they can dance.
…
A poor life this, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
 
I do have the time to stand and
stare. I have all the time I like, I can
spend hours watching “beauty’s feet”,
I am happy to stare as long as any cow,
and as those of you who have come
across cows reasonably often will know,
there is no look of contentedness in this
universe to match that of a cow’s.
I imagine that there will be
those of you who just think that I have
been wasting vast acres of my time. I am
not going to fight this off too much, I will
just say this; you are wrong, you have
been misguided and you are scared to
realise it because it means that you, not
I, have been wasting time. And you’ve
taken a hell of a lot more effort to do it.
Guru
Steak and Beer day
by Ze Beast
Is there anyone under the sun who
is not aware of the pathetic excuse to
rekindle ye good ol’ days of chivalry
and courtly love endorsed by the so
called “public holiday” of February the
fourteenth? Well, allegedly a “public
holiday” if one even dares to call it that.
What is Valentine’s Day really all about:
Chocolates? £3.99 Cava? Love letters?
The colour pink? Cupids? All of these
seem pretty irrelevant in the era of gym
rats, the internet and multi-faith societies.
Now, opportunistic companies such
as Clinton’s or the local supermarket
have indulged in commercialising this
occasion by stocking up with noxious,
nauseating cards every year and raking
in massive profits, from a day which I
have always thought to have been rather
make-believe. Sure, this is a joyous time
of year for all those who claim to be “In
Love” or to be suffering a synonymously
outlandish hormonal attraction, but if
one takes a minute to truly admire the
underlying connotations of Valentine’s
Day it would be an event that would
imminently be ripped out of the calendar.
Valentine’s Day is commonly perceived
as the sole date for young loves to ignite
and share their undying passion, love and
romance with each other. However, on a
dramatically darker note, Valentine’s Day
is also one for desperate, failed old men
to release some of their heaped tension
with the aid of a younger woman under
similar circumstances for a modest fee,
due to their gaping deficiency of a life
and their essential nothingness. It is also
a widely known fact that prostitutes earn
more cash on Valentine’s Day than on
any other day of the year. Furthermore
on this day there is also the looming
superstition of disastrous relationships
forming, and who needs romance when
a sloppy, drunken fling does the trick
for most? Valentine’s Day is not worth
the trouble of trying to chat up some
unsuspecting lass when it can be just
as effective all year round on ten pints
of Stella. Of course, there are specific
repercussions after Valentine’s Day as
well, such as clinginess, monogamy, her
saying she wants to wait, the temporary
end of your lad’s nights out, having to
spend your pint money on her, your
mates having second thoughts about
your sexuality, and finally, the most
feared of all post Valentine’s day dates:
MARRIAGE...
Therefore geniuses with far too much
time on their hands, and something else
too, have devised a day (14th March)
which incorporates the things that men
love the most: steak and beer. One
cannot be a real man until one honestly
appreciates a thick, chunky morsel
of flesh, since there is nothing more
pleasant to the tongue than the tingling,
teasing sensation of a dead beast’s
haemoglobin. In the eyes of many,
vegetarianism is not healthy nor is it for
those whom possess a Y chromosome.
Once the steak has been guzzled down
accompanied by a healthy portion of
chips with the garden salad left aside;
finally what better way to please the man
than the scared art of pouring gallons
and gallons of beer down his throat. For
the giver it is utterly essential that he/she
is aware of the importance of premium
quality beer, and that this would be the
coup de grace of an outstanding evening.
Moreover since the man would have paid
for the madam’s evening a month ago, it
is only just that she return the favour so
to speak, by busying themselves solely
with filling up their partner’s glass and
cooking a healthy portion of red meat.
This day should not be regarded nor
frowned upon by feminists as it relates
directly to Valentine’s Day ,the more
effort and appreciation he gives on her
day the better his steak is cooked on
his. The principal advantage of Steak
and Beer day (for men) is that it is not
necessarily like Valentine’s day but a
much less formal yet more enjoyable
occasion for all guys on a world wide
scale. As many chauvinists would agree
with me flowers and chocolates are for
our ladies whereas a slab of meat and
a “couple” of pints would be far more
satisfying than a so called ”romantic”,
candlelight dinner strenuously organised
for that one particular day. It’s not our
kind of thing.
theetonzeitgeist_ 17
 Interview with
‘Britain’s most
connected man’:
Geordie Greig, Editor of Tatler
Why do you do this and is this what
you’d most like to have done?
Well, I suppose journalism, if that’s
what you mean, is what I’ve done since I
was at school. I wrote to various people
who interested me, including Alec
Guinness, Davis Hockney, and Henry
Moore and thought, wow, you can write
to quite important people and they will
sometimes write back to you and talk to
you. I helped start something called the
Eton contemporary art society where we
used to invite people down to the school
and I would interview them on stage at
School Hall. We had people including
Roald Dahl to Joanna Lumley to Peter
Cook, and we tried to get a punk star
called Polystyrene but he kept backing
out and so I had to keep giving people
their 50 pences back which is what
it cost. There was always a sense of
enjoying getting a response from people.
When you were at Eton would you
have been embarrassed to say you
were going to work at the Tatler?
I would never have imagined I would
work at the Tatler, my first job was as
a crime reporter in Deptford in South
east London. Then I was on the Today
Newspaper and then I was on the Daily
Mail and then the Sunday Times for 12
years where I was the literary editor. So I
went from a very mainstream career to a
society magazine called Tatler.
18 _StAndrewsDayEdition
Michael Meredith said that you got readers includes many men. I do what
into journalism in the worst way interests me, you know, so last week I
possible. Do you agree? was in Paris interviewing a designer; I’m
going to interview an author tomorrow
I thought in some ways it was the best who lives in Sisinghurst in Kent. I’m
way. You know, you can never start too very lucky because Tatler allows you to
low, and I was in a very lowly role on a go and interview whoever you want from
weekly paper in London called the South poets to rock stars to writers to models to
East Kent and London Mercury and it hedge fund kings. We had an interview
was very local news but, you know, I with George Osborne. You know, it’s a
had a great time. They sent me to the bit like a grown up school magazine.
Falklands as there were lots of soldiers
from south east London; I joined at the
In 2005 The Observer called you
hard news end. I think Michael Meredith
Britain’s most connected man. Would
thought one should be an editor from
you agree?
day one but it was a twenty-year journey
to be there. I remember when I first met
Well if you are editor of Tatler you do
Joanna Quicke the actress, when I was a
meet a lot of people and I enjoy that.
tiny bit older than you fellows, (15) and
I’m quite good at staying in touch with
she said it will take you 15 years to get
people I like: for instance when I was
where you want and I thought, oh, how
15 in 1976 I went to interview David
ridiculous. But, there was a certain truth
Hockney, and just a few days ago I went
to what she said.
to interview him in Milan again. So, I’m
quite good at maintaining friendship. I
Do you find it difficult to edit a like people, essentially.
magazine aimed solely at women?
How do you think that the Tatler
I’m very lucky that I have about thirty
can continue to make money in the
women surrounding me so I can ask what
“internet age” when magazines are
they think, and, do you know, essentially
losing money fast?
there is a big difference and essentially
there is no difference between men
Well, we are very lucky: we seem to be
and women, you know they are more
countering the trend, we have just had
interested in fashion, and handbags, and
our highest circulation ever, and we have
clothes, and beauty treatments, although
had our highest revenues ever, so I think
men are increasingly interested in the
there is still a market for high-end glossy
beauty industry they are not so upfront
magazines where there is a sense of
about it. Our buyers of the magazine are
luxury, and it is very hard to get a sense
essentially women but our circulation of
of luxury on the internet. You know, we
have the richest readers in Europe. We
are very lucky; we have a lot of money
to spend which brings in the advertisers
which allows us to do very aspirational
stories. People like holding magazines.
It’s more difficult to surf the net in your
bath but you can read Tatler in the bath.
socialising, so that’s pretty far reaching
today.
What do you think of Graydon
Carter? Would you ever like to take
over from him at Vanity Fair?
to do my own thing. Condé Nast is a
fantastic company, It’s probably the
most generous company to journalists in
terms of giving them space to do what
they want, so I weighed all that up and
thought I’ll give it a go.

I think Graydon is a fantastically clever Who would you most like to

Do you think Damien Hirst will be
remembered in 100 years?
I think Damien will be known as a
footnote rather than a major person in
the art world. But I may be wrong- who
would have thought that Andy Warhol
would be seen as such a major figure
today? And he certainly does very
arresting images. Although they may not
even last, the sharks and the other items
seem to be rotting so he may just be a
distant memory, but I suspect he will not
be a major influence.
Do you think there’s something
phoney about modern artists who
don’t actually make their own works?
I don’t think it’s phoney in that it’s the
reaction of the audience that matters
as much as what they’ve created.
And to some extent some of the great
Renaissance artists used people in their
studio to create things, to fill in the bits
of paint, but I do think there’s a distance
from the viewer of art if it’s all totally
disconnected from the making by a
human hand. I think often the making of
art by a human hand seems to bring me,
a greater connection and a greater reality
of what it’s about.
Who do you think is the sexiest person
you’ve ever had to interview?
Golly, I suppose I interviewed Mischa
Barton last week and we photographed
her again. Madonna’s pretty enticing, but
I think Mischa Barton seizes it.
Do you still need a double-barrelled
surname to work at Tatler?
Definitely not! I don’t really mind where
people come from as long as they’re
curious, funny, clever, energetic and
enthusiastic. Clearly we cover a social
world so we do like people interested in
and successful and brilliant editor. As interview?
far as I know there’s no vacancy. Vanity
Fair is a great magazine to edit and a job J.D. Sallinger, author of Catcher in the
anyone in the industry would, if it was Rye, who’s been a recluse for 50 years.
offered their way, have a great temptation Whoever gets him has got front page of
to go and ride that road. almost every newspaper in the world.
Where you ever in the bystander
You are known as the ‘discerner of
section of Tatler?
trends in London society.’ Do you have
any tips?
No. I longed to be at one stage but I
don’t think I ever was. I think at your
Follow your instinct rather than the
age I had friends I knew who were in it.
herd; individuality is what people notice
when I got married Harpers and Queen
rather than trying to keep up with the
did pictures from my wedding but Tatler
Joe Bloggses. That can be from having
no. I sort of have a rule that I try to keep
interests in goldfish breeding, to how to
myself out of Tatler - for instance most
tie your tie, to how to read Shakespeare
editors write a letter at the beginning of
or think about the theatre. Whatever
each magazine but I stopped that as soon
you’re interested in, follow your passion.
as I came.
What’s your favourite magazine apart
from Tatler?
Well, I love the New Yorker. I always
find I spend hours reading that, and I
love the Sunday Supplements, and I like
Vanity Fair very much. I wasn’t a very
magaziney person till I took over and
now I’m much more appreciative of the
different magazines and I read quite a
lot of them. I like Dazed and Confused,
I tend to go from that to Country Life to
Vanity Fair to the New Yorker.
Why did you move across from being
Literary Editor of the Sunday Times to
the Editor of Tatler?
Well I got a call saying, ‘this is probably
the most bizarre call you’ve ever
received but please don’t put the phone
down. Will you consider being editor
of Tatler?’ My current boss Nicholas
Coleridge made that call, and I thought
about it and I thought about having
my own ship to sail rather than being
just a supplement on a much bigger
paper, and I thought it’d be exciting
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